8! You are 8 years old today, Rio! That is so big. The biggest you have ever been. I love you at this age. You’re so comfortable in yourself, in your body, in your mind, in your spirit.

You embody that adage: “Dance like no one is watching, love like you’ve never been hurt, sing as though no one is listening, live as though heaven is on earth” which I find all over the Internet attributed to different people, so pick your source.

That is a totally cheesy saying, and yet, and yet. To watch you dance and sing and bike and swim and play is something. You’re so in control of your body now; you’ve left behind that clumsy period of figuring things out for the first time. You know how to ride a bike, how to swim passably well, how to sing better than I can. You’re at this sweet spot between the early childhood struggle for these basic skills and the adolescent self-consciousness about using them.

Your mind is the same way. You can write in cursive (mostly) and read anything you like. You’re learning math and science and history. You know things I don’t know. You surprise me with trivia and with your creativity. We have real conversations, on an almost adult level. Babyhood has really and truly left the building.

And love. Oh, kid, how you love. You’re kind to strangers and caring with your sister and always generous and gentle with your classmates and your friends. Last night I was tired and cranky and not the best mom ever and you cheerfully offered to put yourself to bed. “I can read, and I can turn out the light, and I can give myself hand rubs,” you said.

Oh sweetie, you’re big, but I can do those things for you. And I want to and I will, as long as you let me.

Perhaps even more than when you were a baby, I feel this tremendous urge to protect you, to safeguard this beautiful person you are becoming. I wish I could bottle the essence of you at 8 and share it with you when you’re 16 and doubting yourself. I hope some magic happens and you never doubt yourself, that you sail through life as mighty and self-assured and held in love as you are right now.

Some more birthday wishes for you:

• I wish your transition into public school is graceful, and that you continue to find great friends, great teachers, and a simple joy in learning.
• I wish you continue to embrace difference in yourself and others as easily and gracefully as you do now.
• I wish you and I find ever more time to connect with each other. I love being your mom, and as you grow I’m loving becoming your friend as well.

All the love,

Mama

ps: not having a birthday party this year was totally the right call. I loved that simple bike ride and ice cream with less than a handful of close friends. Smart move, kid.

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A few years ago I quit everything. Well, not everything, but nearly all our organized activities. I was tired of the running around, tired of the time pressure, tired of the money sink. Tired.

We’ve had a few relatively quiet years drenched in free play and getting used to the routines of school life. Now that’s changing.

It started with Softball. One day last week, a friend of Rio’s from school invited her to play softball after school. They picked her up and took her out for what I thought would be a pick-up game in the park. Or rather, I guess I knew there was some level of organization involved. I just imagined this was like Bring A Friend day at music class – a chance to check out what your friend does at her activities.

I did not expect her to come home wearing a uniform! Which she totally did, leaping about shouting, “I made the team, Mama! I’m #1!” Indeed, her team shirt is emblazoned with a big #1. She’s got a loaner glove from the team and a practice and game schedule that keeps us busy two or three days a week. *poof* The cult of sports is upon us.

I may seem a little snarky about this, so let me be clear: I love softball now. I love it through my kid. Her enthusiasm for the game, for learning what her body can do, for making new friends on the field… all that is contagious. I feel her excitement as if it were my own. I share her disappointment when practice is cancelled due to rain, and her elation at hitting her first run.

Then there’s swimming. We’re planning to spend most of the summer on a lake in Maine. To get ready for that, the girls need to have swim lessons. A Real Mom [tm] would have had them in swimming lessons all year, but I belatedly signed them up two days ago. Luckily for me they LOVE it; they’re both complete water babies who can’t get enough of the pool. They want to swim every day, and are all over having two lessons a week.

Add that to their existing (totally manageable) Saturday morning music classes, and the kids are at out-of-school scheduled activities four days a week minimum.

I want to say this is not what I signed up for, but sign up for it is exactly what I did.

So far it’s pretty good. Everything is shiny and new; no one has had time yet to get bored with a lesson or pick a fight with a teammate. I know it won’t always stay so blissful, but at the moment these activities are a breath of fresh air, giving the kids extra chances to spend time with existing friends and make some new ones. They’re moving their bodies more and watching cartoons less. It’s a win.

I doubt I’ll want to spend so much time ferrying them from one organized activity session to the next for long, but I guess that’s what carpooling is for. In the meantime, I’ve become one of those moms who is busy chasing after her children on sports fields and swimming pools after school every day, and I kind of love it.

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Rio recently interviewed the Nields, one of our family’s favorite folk bands. They also hooked us up with a review copy of the new album, which I’m doing my level best to review here.

The Full Catastrophe isn’t a kids’ album, but it is catchy and listenable in a way my kids enjoyed. It’s thematically dedicated to families and motherhood. It’s no wonder the Nields are focused on motherhood. When we talked, Nerissa said, “We are inspired by what we do. Of course, being mothers, that’s what we’re thinking about all the time.”

Of course? I think about other things sometimes. But it’s true the kids are always there in my mind, even if I’m focused on a Scrabble game or an article or a knitting project. I get what she’s saying.

What do the Nields have to say about parenting? Here’s Nerissa again, “We prefer chaos to simplicity.”

She talked about the quality of complexity and depth that runs through life as a parent. There’s something better than happiness, they told us. The highs get higher and the lows get lower. Overall, life becomes richer. That about sums it up.

Let me just say: there is not enough good music about family life. This is a welcome dose of it; interesting lyrics and fun songs. In “Can I Love You Too Much”, they address their kids in those trying moments every parent has gone through: coloring on the walls, creating toy guns out of nothing. How do you parent through that? Makes for an interesting song. I also particularly love “Your House Is Strong” and the title track “The Full Catastrophe”.

And that is the end of my short review. You should totally check out The Full Catastrophe for yourself.

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No, they did not.

They did play lots of house concerts in Ireland, though, while traveling there. They played for every house that hosted them.

Ask me how I know? Because Rio interviewed them, and one of her first questions was, “Did you ever play for the Queen of England?”

The Nields are one of our family’s favorite bands. We love their music, we love their attitude. We love the music they make for adults and the stuff they play for kids. You can imagine how excited we were when I was invited to interview them about their new album, The Full Catastrophe.

Rio at 7 knows more about music than I do, and she’s been practicing her interview skills at school, so I asked about having her do the interview in my place. Nerissa and Katryna were totally into that. Rio caught up with them last week. In addition to learning that they had not played for the queen, she asked some great questions about the band’s history.

If you know nothing about the Nields, let’s back up a little: they’re a folk (and sometimes rock) band led by two sisters, Nerissa and Katryna. They have been playing together since the early 90s; touring widely. There have been a lot of guys named Dave in their band, some of whom still play with them when they perform as a full band. Usually, these days, the sisters write and perform together as a duo.

Rio learned a lot more about their background, including how they got started singing:

“Our parents had one car and it was a Barracuda,” Nerissa told her. “Little kids could jump from the back seat to the trunk. We would ride around in the trunk of the car hiding from our parents, and then we would pop our heads up and sing songs for them. We were always singing.”

Each of the sisters belonged to singing groups in college, but neither has been in another band. Nerissa decided she wanted to be a singer when she was 7 years old. It took Katryna a lot longer; she didn’t realize she wanted to be a musician until she was 20 and travel in Nepal where a teacher encouraged her to pursue a musical career. Before that, she thought she wanted to be a lawyer. When she realized she wanted to sing, she wrote Nerissa a letter and said, “Guess what? I want to be a singer.” Nerissa said it was one of the best letters she ever received.

My favorite question: Was the band always called The Nields?

The answer: They always performed as The Nields, but when the band was forming, they considered and rejected a variety of band names, including these:

• Atticus
• The Wheels
• Odd Man Out
• The Big Idea
• Cartoon Kids
• The Blister Sisters

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Serena has a new game. Whenever she gets me alone for a moment, she curls up in my arms as tight as she can, like a baby. Then she smiles up at my face beatifically and says, “Jokey time?”

Here’s how this goes:

Serena,” Why did the reindeer cross the forest?”

Me: “I don’t know. Why?”

Serena: “You have to guess.”

Me: “OK. To get to the other side?”

Serena: “No.”

Me: “To tickle Serena’s belly?” *tickle*tickle*tickle*

Serena, laughing: “NO! You only get one guess! The answer is: to get more grass.”

Silence.

Serena: “Reindeers eat grass, don’t they mama?”

Me: “Yes.”

Serena: “So that is the joke. To get more grass. To eat.”

Me: *laughing*

Serena: “Now it is your turn!”

I quickly dust off my favorite joke from childhood, sure it will crack up my little comedian.

“Ask me if I’m George Washington!”

Serena, induilgently, “Are you George Washington?”

Me: “No!”

Serena: “How is that a joke, Mama?”

Me: “Well, it’s funny. To me.”

She thinks about this for a second. “I guess it is 1 percent a joke. My turn!”

Clearly, what this child and I need is a roster of stupid jokes we can trade during snuggly time. Care to tell me your favorite kid-friendly jokes?

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Our 20/20 episode aired last night, and I’m quite happy with how it came out. You can watch the episode on Hulu or on ABC’s site. If you appreciate the work that went into it, you can leave a positive comment on the article that accompanies the video segment.

I did this because I wanted to give mainstream America a peek at a healthy, happy, thriving circle of poly families. It’s my hope that we’ve done just that, and that this is a step toward a future where news shows won’t want to do segments on how “kooky” polyamory is, because it’s just a thing some people do.  I am fairly confident positive portrayals on TV can make a difference, and I’m grateful to ABC for their approach in this one.

My great thanks go out to ABC, 20/20 and in particular anchor Elizabeth Vargas and our producers Marc and Michael. I felt they gave a respectful, balanced portrayal of our family life and relationships.

I’m also grateful beyond words to the family, friends and loved ones who appeared in the segment: thank you for your courage and wisdom. To those who counseled me off-screen, practiced interviews, loaned me pretty things to wear (thanks mom!), hosted the viewing party, recorded the show and were there when I needed a hand to hold or a kind word: thank you from the bottom and the top and every in between part of my heart. This couldn’t have happened without each of you.

Finally, thank you to everyone who has offered kind words of encouragement or thanks in comments on these posts and elsewhere. You keep me coming back to this work, and afloat when it feels like I’ll drown in it.

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Getting ready for 20/20 tonight. Here’s their press release:

“Open Marriage with Kids: With one in two marriages ending in divorce, some couples, instead of blowing up relationships, are quietly expanding them. “20/20″ profiles two couples who are living the open marriage lifestyle while raising kids and growing old together and they say it has made their relationships better. Having other paramours not only spices up their love life but the romantic intimacy builds a kind of extended family that actually helps with childrearing. Vargas reports.”

There’s also a long article that I’ve been assured is essentially a written version of the segment. It was written by the producers who worked with us for the piece. I think they did a great job with it and am looking forward to seeing the TV spot tonight.

There are comments on the 20/20 article. If you care about me you probably won’t enjoy reading them. I encourage you to leave one if you feel so moved, though. That’s a great place to offer feedback on this piece.

(photo is ABC’s, not mine; I just pulled it from the site.)

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My household, along with several of my friends and loved ones, are being profiled by 20/20 about our ethical nonmonogamy, a.k.a. polyamory, a.k.a. open marriage. The part where Martin and I are happily married and also happily dating other people, whatever you want to call that.

The episode is currently scheduled to air this Friday, April 20, at 10 p.m. EST on ABC.

Here’s what I hope you will do with this information:

1. Spread the word. I’d love for there to be a large contingent of engaged, progressive viewers for this show. 20/20 has a typical audience of 7 million people. Most of my friends (probably most of your friends) are not their target demo. Let’s represent!

2. Watch the show. It’s bound to be interesting. The whole piece is on the “evolution of marriage”, and will feature my family, some of my friends and lovers, and another poly community in Seattle. They’ve talked to some interesting authors and researchers as well.

3. Record it and send me a copy. I’ve figured out how I’m going to watch the episode when it airs, due to the graciousness of one of my dear friends who has a TV and knows how to use it. I have not figured out how I’m going to keep a recording of this madness for future reference. If you can easily record it, please do!

4. Thank ABC for their work. Remember that audience I was talking about? This is a controversial topic. I’m sure they’ll get plenty of criticism for covering it at all. It’d be great to know they’re also getting positive feedback. So even if they fuck it up, let’s say thank you and offer constructive critique.

5. Give me some lovin’. I’m exposing myself and my family to a huge amount of public scrutiny and criticism. Throughout this process I’ve worried about everything from how my relationships will be portrayed to what middle America will think of my housekeeping. I can’t overstate how much support from readers means to me. Your kind words keep me going. Please offer me constructive feedback and support if you can. This goes double for everyone else who was involved, if you’re lucky enough to know the other cast members.

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Ah, school decision making. How I don’t love you. Deciding where to send my kids for school feels like one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made as a parent, especially this year.

Here’s the sitch, for readers just tuning in: a few years ago I set out to homeschool my kids. Rio put a stop to that by announcing that she was going to kindergarten no matter what. She was speaking from this place that we think of as The Adult Inside, very grounded and sure of what she needed. So we listened and sent her to the wonderful Eliot-Pearson Children’s School, the lab school attached the Tufts Education Department. This year, both girls have attended EPCS, Rio in second grade and Serena in kindergarten.

Second grade is the final year at EPCS, so Rio needs to do something different for school next year. Serena could continue there, but we can’t really afford another year of private school, even with the generous scholarship the girls have been getting.

So we’re on to new things. Our choices are public school, charter school or homeschool.

For a long time I was strongly opposed to ever sending them to a public school: I don’t like the nationalism that’s embedded in every public school curriculum I’ve ever encountered, and I don’t like the short recess and heavy homework load and overall approach to learning that I saw as an education reporter in different schools. I had a terrible time in public schools myself, always out of sync with my peers socially and academically, and I wound up underchallenged throughout school and then also underprepared for the rigors of college. I want a better education for my children than what I got.

But Rio & Serena love school. They’re both extremely social learners, and they thrive within the flexible structure of a good classroom led by a deft teacher. I don’t know what they’ll get if they go to the local school, but it might be just what they need. It seemed worth checking out.

Rio was really gung ho to homeschool next year. She has a lot of good friends who homeschool, so that makes sense, but it also seemed to be coming out of a fear of change, and a worry that no school could be as good as where she is now. Since she’s done so well with school for the past three years, I encouraged her to at least check out some of her school options with me.

We looked at a few public schools, and chose one with a progressive, experience-based learning model and a bright, modern campus. The district will assign them to a school, maybe the one I picked, maybe not. I also put the girls’ names into the lottery for our local charter school, which has a very highly rated high school attached to it.

We haven’t gotten the girls’ school assignments from the district yet, but the charter school lottery results are in. Serena has been offered a spot in the kindergarten class. Rio has been waitlisted for 3rd grade, but she’s fairly high on the waiting list and likely to get a seat mid-year if not before school starts.

So what to do? Rio now has her heart set on going to the public school, and does not want to hear about the charter school. The public school certainly has a more attractive campus. But the charter school runs all the way through 12th grade, and has a better track record of getting kids into “good” colleges than our local high school does. It’s a small program, with about 90 kids per grade, which seems likely to build a strong community, especially in the upper grades.

Essentially: the charter school seems like it might not be the best cultural fit for our family. They wear uniforms. They’re very academically focused, even in kindergarten. But they have great test scores and college prep programs. The girls would have access to more resources there, especially at the high school level, stuff that they’d just miss out on if we sent them to our city’s public high school. Do I sacrifice something of their experience in grade school for the chance to get them a better education as they grow older? And how big a sacrifice is wearing a uniform anyway?

As for the public school: it seems less intimidating now that the kids have been in school for a few years. It’s less rigid in some ways than the charter school (no uniforms!) but it’s still a public school. There will be pro-US history lessons and nationalist holiday celebrations and an insufficient critique of cultural hegemony. They’ll be asked to pledge allegiance to a flag. What do I do with that?

Well, we could homeschool. I could scale back my writing to homeschool the kids, and I think I’d enjoy it. But knowing how much the girls have thrived in a classroom setting makes me leery of pulling them out without even giving another school a chance. I know it won’t be the same, but it’s possible it will still be good. They both love structured routines and learning with groups and seeing their friends every day. I could give them a lot of those things as a homeschooler, but it’d be harder. On the other hand, they’d have the freedom to explore and learn more creatively, and could spend as much of the day outside as they wanted. Of course, right now it is beautiful out and they’re watching cartoons. So maybe that wouldn’t work out quite how I’m imagining.

What I am trying to say is, I genuinely do not know what the best choice for my kids is. I don’t even know how to find out, other than doing what I’m doing: talking with other parents whose kids are in these schools or are homeschooling, visiting the schools and looking into homeschooling resources, and listening to my kids.

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Last week we talked about how to say good-bye to a school friend, and everyone had great suggestions. Skype! Instant Messenger! Email! Facebook!

That’s right. We live in the future, where keeping in touch with Germany is so much easier than it was during my own childhood. It’s hardly like saying good-bye at all.

Except that it is. Having her friend in her class meant they spent six hours a day together whether they liked it or not. Effortlessly. Every game, every lesson, every life event happened right there, together. Keeping in touch via Skype is certainly possible, but I know from painful experience that it’s not a replacement for having your best friend live in your neighborhood.

So. Even though we live in the future and there are no real good-byes, this still feels like a big change. One that warrants a lot of care and attention.

Of all the ideas on how to keep in touch, the one that struck the strongest chord with me and Rio was a suggestion to give her friend a stationary set with preaddressed envelopes, so that they can be old-fashioned penpals. We went to the craft store and bought two boxes of sturdy cards in simple colors: one to give her friend, and one to keep for mailing letters to Germany ourselves. Rio picked these because they had the most cards per box. Sensible girl, she’d rather have more letters than prettier ones.

Once we got them home, she diligently addressed 25 purple envelopes with her home address. We hunted down some German stamps to include in the box, to get her friend started with the postage.

Then we said good-bye. I won’t pretend the day was easy. The girls played together for the morning, almost right up until she had to go to the airport. The couple of hours after she left were marked by screaming and tantrums and a profound insistence that Nothing Was Wrong.  The whole week has been kind of like that: a lot of attitude and tears and not wanting to talk about things.

But! But! We came home to a one of Rio’s painstakingly self-addressed envelopes sitting in our mail with a letter from her German friend in it. That trick totally worked. Thank you, readers!

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