Chaseblogger | a comedy blog

I'm not funnier than Maxine Swaby? #FML

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 10:56:50 PST

About a month ago, I posted a quick blurb about a music video I saw shared by someone on twitter. It was a song by some no-name talent, Maxine Swaby, singing Pardon Me. That post has since gone on to be one of my largest traffic drawing entries in a long while.

Just thought I'd take a moment to share how badly this affects my already suffering self-esteem.

Please leave me a comment and tell me what I could possible do to one-up this thing.

A quick post about Groundhog Day

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 08:36:48 PST

If a ground hog comes up out from its ground hole and the sun is shining down on him, yet no shadow is cast on the ground - hope you have a wooden stake handy so you can STAB IT. Because that's a vampire ground hog.

News jokes: Pirates, Shakespeare, Bin Laden

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 08:37:31 PST

'Poltergeist' actress Zelda Rubinstein died today at 76 after suffering a heart attack. In a final statement Rubinstein told fans, "You all were right. I am very creepy. It's just that I'm such a small person with a very high pitched voice."
The tragedy is further evidence that the Poltergeist movie curse is true. Everyone in that movie is going to die. . . Eventually.

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Montag: 'I almost died' after plastic surgery
The rest of us: 'We almost got her!'

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Jay Leno told Oprah in a recent interview that he isn't going to talk to Conan O'Brien until "things cool down". He then immediatley leaped on top of Oprah's couch and proclaimed "I love Katie Holmes!"

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Production has started on the 4th installment of Pirates of the Carribean set to be filmed on location in Hawaii. If this is how they end Lost, I am going to be pissed.

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MSN Health and Fitness issued a list today of the Top Phobias of 2010. Fears for the upcoming year include terrorism, flying, and the next live performance from Lady Gaga.

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An Oregon professor says Shakespeare hid secrets in sonnet codes. Decoded messages in some of Shakespeare's work revealed the following messages: "Man these ruffled collars are itchy!" "If you decoded this, you're a nerd" and "Iambic pentameter FTW!"

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A U.S. monitoring group says the phrase "Peace be upon those who follow guidance" in a recent audio release from Osama Bin Laden is be a strong indicator of an upcoming attack. Another suspicious indicator on the tape was the phrase, "Hey, United States! I am going to PWN you Noobs!"

Our national debt is SOOOOO big

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 14:54:23 PST

I heard that our national debt is so huge now that we don't even no what the actual dollar amount is anymore. We can only speculate what our current debt is. When we need to find out what our debt is currently at, we have to get Stephen Hawking to theorize what the number is.

<robot voice> " You have to remember to account for imaginary numbers for this equation. . . black holes. String Theory."

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Words I've said that prove my bad parenting

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 10:51:27 PST

"hey, when you play, you can't really punch eachother."

"stop prentending to beat up that toy baby."

"It is never appropriate to point you penis at someone and pretend to pee on them."

". . . Or actually pee on them."

Sent from my iPod

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Some new smart humor from me - Audio Edition!

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 22:09:16 PST

Here is an ALL NEW audio message from me today via SayNow.com

Enjoy.

Conan O'Brien vs. Jay Lenco vs. Jeff Zucker

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 12:30:15 PST

I am a huge fan of Conan O'Brien and have been frusterated over the recent fiasco at NBC over The Tonight Show (although, I grew up on Letterman, not Carson and never watched The Tonight Show until recently (this was an unusually long parenthetical.)) In case you aren't sure what the issue is or what has been going on, here is a the best explanation I have ever seen.

Maxine Swaby sings Pardon Me

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 09:52:51 PST

Just thought I would share this amazing video/vocal performance post on RobertPopper.com by the Maxine Swaby. Rainn Wilson shared this today on his Twitter account and boy am I glad he did. Such a catchy tune!

An open letter to the guy who delivers my phonebooks

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 08:23:32 PST

Dear Guy who leaves the new phone books at my doorstep,

Hi. You just dropped off a new phone book at my doorstep. Could you please come back and pick this up? Turns out, I don't need it because I have the internet. Apparrently, everything single thing that any person could ever need to look up about anything ever is on there. . . so you may need to come up with a new business model.

Sincerely,

Chase Roper

a plea to @JimGaffigan to re-follow me on twitter - Reason 1

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 08:16:29 PST

Dear Jim Gaffigan,

Here is reason number one.

1. I am the funniest stay-at-home-dad / comedy writer using Twitter today.

Sincerely,

Chase Roper

Hubble telescope reveals toddler universe

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 12:43:51 PST

The Hubble telescope has revealed galaxies from a toddler universe that is 13.7 billion years old. Astronomers say this universe is in a phase commonly known as the terrible billions.

The Galaxies are invisible in the visible part of the light spectrum but infrared images show the universe screaming in the middle of the grocery store because its parent universe refuses to buy Captain Crunch.

I am going to shoot some comedy sketches.

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 12:04:05 PST

I have a few comedy sketches I've written and have never bothered doing anything with. I have decided to take up the task of filming them somehow with my terrible video capturing function on my digital camera and then butcher them with my lack of editing equipment/ability.

Why would I do this? Because I have run out of projects to start and then not complete. Up first - the dead pet sketch. Think I'll upload them to atom.com first, then embed them here. Hopefully I can have my storyboard done this week and then throw it all together some time in a month or so. Keep you posted. . .

join my mailing list, get something free

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 02:34:09 PST

If you feel like joining my mailing list, you'll get a free copy of sketch I wrote. Feel free to shoot a video for it and share it here.

Relating to your children

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 13:35:49 PST

Often times, I'll hear parents tell say to their kids "you can't do this" or "you can't do that" which I think, often times, is confusing to kids because that isn't very specific.

Something I learned when I first became a stay at home dad is that there is more to parenting then telling your kids what they can't do. There's also chores and feeling insecure about yourself.

best way to contact me

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 06:46:55 PST

Myspace made me set up a Myspace email address. So if you want to contact me, just shoot an email to

iwillnevercheckthis@myspace.com

Things I've learned as a stay at home dad (part 3)

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 16:02:17 PST

Me this morning: (yawn) Today should be pretty good. It's friday, my wife is off work, and we're going to look at Christmas lights tonight.

My kids this morning: I bet we can make dad schedule a vasectomy today!

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Check out my pal Bob Bledsoe in this Christmas Tweetcam special

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 13:21:02 PST

If you love great comedic filmmakers like Woody Allen or those brother who made There's Something About Mary, then you might be bored with this clip. Stil, though, I think you should watch it - it made me laugh.

I'm all over the web

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 15:15:28 PST

I'm not the only person who's Googled their own name. Here's a brief list of links I found when I Googled my own.

22 million missing Bush White House emails

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 12:40:50 PST

Two non-profit groups announced today the discovery of 22 million missing Bush White House emails. If made public, the emails may reveal private conversations surrounding our invasion into Iraq as well as the former President's many suspicious Nigerian inheritances and apparent erectile dysfunction.

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Nevada's first male prostitute

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 09:41:40 PST

Nevada's Shady Lady Ranch my soon be the first to offer a male prostitute. Owner Bobbi Davis will not release the name of their latest addition other than he is an "exotic looking former professional athlete who loves having sex almost as much as playing golf."

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People who call in to radio stations during Christmas

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 13:10:35 PST

Here is a recording of me talking into my phone. You probably won't even like it.

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Some more news jokes

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 08:53:40 PST

Once again its time for my news jokes that weren't quite good enough to run anywhere else. Should I be discouraged that the list is long? Maybe, but not as much as you should be for bothering to read them.

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Tragically, an army psychiatrist at Fort Worth went crazy this week when he gunned down over 40 people. This shouldn't be funny - but the sheer IRONY OF IT.

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Carrie Prejean dropped her case against the Miss America Pageant after a solo sex tape starring Prejean was revealed in court by defense attorneys. Sean Hannity of fox News said that its a shame to lose such a strong supporter of same sex marriage and then noted what a huge blow this is to the Obama administration.

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A suicide prevention group is protesting a recent episode of NBC's The Office because a character on the show pretended to hang himself with a noose. The group is worried that mentally ill people may be influenced to attempt suicide. In other news, a crazy person stabbed some people and killed himself.

An upcoming episode of CW's Gossip Girl has come under fire due to an ad suggesting the show will depict a three-some. The Parental Advocacy group is reminding parents to be sure to tell their kids not to WATCH THE SUPER HOT THREE-SOME ON THIS WEEK'S GOSSIP GIRL ON CW.

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On Stephen Tyler quitting Aerosmith: Joe Perry and the rest of the band admitted to being sick of Tyler giving them so much lip backstage.

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A gruesome scene in Louisiana when a woman was accused of having what was deemed a "concentration camp" for dogs in her backyard after authorities discovered dozens of buried dead animal remains.

Hey! Hitler LOVED dogs.

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While talking to PEOPLE Magazine on Wednesday, Levi Johnston called Jon Gosselyn "a good guy." While Jon Gosselyn referred to his ex-wife Kate as "Vaginormica."

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The University of Virginia's Miller Center of Public Affairs will record an oral history of President George W. Bush's presidency. The fully illustrated jumbo sized children's coloring book will be due out next fall.

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A bomb Sniffing dog that went missing in action after a battle in Afghanistan was discovered safe after 14 MONTHS. The insurgents originally thought the dog had defected from the capitalistic, freedom pushing ways of the Xionists, but were later surprised to find a few of them just had bacon in their pockets.

President Obama was so inspired by the dogs return home that he drastically changed his game plan for Afghanistan stating that we should have the Taliban stand on one side of the country and us on another with the fledgling new military and government in the middle. Obama said we will "call out it's name and see who it wants to be with the most."

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People in Serbia are stocking up on garlic rather than vaccines in order to fend off the swine flu pandemic. Garlic is regularly used there (and this isn't the joke) to "ward off vampires, protect babies, and promote good luck and fortune in the lives of whoever keeps the garlic in their pockets."

In other news: Serbia is soon to be eradicated by swine flu.

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The CDC says sex infections are still rising with reported chlamydia cases setting yet another record in 2008. Also on the rise - the number of people having sex with Lindsay Lohan

My kids say the darndest things (is that how you spell darndest?)

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 08:27:18 PST

My 5 yr old came into the kitchen this weekend with two little Disney chipmunk figurines. "Mom said these are called Chip N' Dale. But which one is Dale and which one is Chipin?"

". . ."

"Dad?"

"The one with the red nose is Dale."

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Dear Adam Lambert (in regards to your dude kiss)

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 12:22:07 PST

Dear Adam Lambert,

I know you are probably flamboyantly fuming over what happened on CBS this morning. The show aired a blurred version of your man-on-man kiss but then later aired an uncensored version of the infamous Britney Spears/Madonna kiss from MTV. Is this a double standard? Yes, but the world can't help the fact that two chicks kissing is just way more awesome to see than two dudes.

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I would like to see Paul F. Tompkins live

chase.roper@gmail.com (Chase Roper) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 08:57:53 PST

If you live within driving distance to Seattle, WA and would love to see Paul F. Tompkins live, then click on the little widget below and demand he come here. He'll listen. He has a heart. . . and also a desire to be paid to perform live comedy in front of a good looking group of adoring fans.

View all Paul F. Tompkins tour dates

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