CHAPTERS

A-Day 2014

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 19:51:00 +0000

One of the things DW looks forward to each year is going down to Auburn for the annual A-Day game. This year, we made the trip over with our friends, Stephen and Amber and LC's buddy, Z. We loaded the kids in the car together so we could let them entertain each other and it wasn't long before there were lots of giggles from the back seat. And also...romance. Ha!

Road tripping over to Auburn with my best friend... #texastechrepresent

After lunch at one of our favorite restaurants, Amsterdams, we parked and walked around, taking in the changes on campus and visiting the bookstore to pick up our AU gear. We also took a couple minutes to take pictures that we joke we will recreate in 2030 when the kids head to college.

Headed to get our seats...clearly LC and Z enjoy holding hands because they do this without being prompted. I guess this is what friendship from infancy looks like. I adore it and hope they will always share a special bond, even if its more like brother and sister one day.

Often, little miss Sassy Pants leads Z around by his hand and he's patient and sweet enough to let her. Here and there, though, you have to wonder if he gets tired of being (wo)man-handled. This picture would make one think so...

Getting ready to cheer for our team with my Daddy...

All War Eagled out...

On that 6th Time Around...

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Mon, 07 Apr 2014 20:41:00 +0000

About the time I became a mother, something inside of me shifted from completely open about any and every subject to slightly more private in certain areas and very private in others. As the writer of this blog, I feel like I shared our journey as a couple and through infertility (with DW's blessing) to whoever chose to come and read about our story in a very unguarded way. At the time, it felt safe and natural...so it never occurred to me to filter much of anything I said. And then...

One afternoon when LC was sleeping (a miracle in and of itself), I sat down and started reading back through old posts...like, really, really old posts...and all of the sudden, I just felt a little...nekkid. Like, I really told people ALL that? I remember thinking. It was a really weird moment. I guess when you're reading or writing about intimate thoughts that you know your child might read one day...it just sort of changes things.

At first, I didn't want to write much because we hadn't finalized the adoption and I wanted to protect LC and our family as much as possible.

And then, it was something else. All my words and desire to "talk it out" just left me. Looking back, I know what triggered it...when life is good (albeit not without struggle but good as a whole), having a community of people invested in you can be a nice feeling. Having a group of people surround, comfort, and pray for me/us during a painful season of dealing with infertility was very healing and wonderful to experience. But then this thing happened where my whole world radically changed in every way. And I mean every.

And not only did I not know how to deal with it myself...there was this sudden realization that I didn't think I could handle people watching me figure it out. I didn't want to get on the blog and write about life and motherhood or marriage or health because all of the sudden I felt like I didn't know what the "balance" was anymore. I didn't want to pretend I had it all together but I also didn't want to put myself out there for unsolicited advice from people who didn't know all the details of what we were going through as new parents or as a couple or while I figured out how to deal with my health issues, either.

Suddenly, DW and I weren't just two people who had spent the last 6+ years alone, having funny conversations or doing spontaneous things anymore. Instead, we were exhausted, co-parents to this wonderful little human (and also tiny terrorist) we had yet to figure out. I'm not complaining, only stating we could barely finish a sentence - much less have a conversation - without interruption.

Suddenly, I wasn't so much worried about small "luxuries" like whether my shirt was cute or whether my hair looked good, I was more worried about whether my shirt was even buttoned correctly or whether my hair had vomit in it. Ha!

Also, I recognized that pretty much every blog post I would have written post adoption would have said the same thing over and over. Something along the lines of: "I can't believe God has done this amazing thing for us..." I still feel that way pretty much every day but I also wanted to take some time to process those feelings on my own.

And then, after the new and different wore off a little and it became a little more normal, a new "season" hit. A season where, even though I had looked fully in the face of God's grace and sovereignty when He entrusted LC to us, I didn't feel as close to Him as I had in the past. It made me feel guilty. He did this crazy, amazing, great thing that a lot of y'all watched happen and yet, here I was already doubting Him about other areas of life. I'm pretty sure I may fall in the category of His "problem" children. ;-)

While I don't plan on sharing the details, I will just simply describe it by saying that I felt like I was fumbling around in the dark and I wasn't going to bring anyone in there with me. This particular journey was/is for me and Him alone to walk through. What I do want to share, however, is a realization I've had as I look back over this little season. Well, and every other season of my life where I've felt a little "off" in my walk with God...

When I get in "trouble", it ALWAYS corresponds with times when I trust my feelings instead of my Faith.

Example?

I was absolutely 150% convinced that there was no way I could love an adoptive child the way I would love a biological one. When people even mentioned adoption to me as a "solution" to our desire to grow our family, they were lucky I didn't rip their faces off. Those of you who have been reading for a long time know this. I mean, did I not say that "if God were going to call us to adoption He would literally have to drop a baby in our lap"? (Dear Lord, I'm so sorry I was so spiritually immature and such a jerk by the way. I should have known better...)

But I couldn't have been more wrong. Biology hasn't absolutely nothing to do with our capacity to love another human being when its what God intends. Trust me when I say, my heart is fully satisfied.

But could ANYONE on this earth have ever come to me when I was in the midst of the infertility struggle and told me that I would FEEL like this now? NO. I just had to keep leaning on my faith until the picture became clear because, I can promise you, there were times I wasn't sure things were ever going to change for me.

It's ok to have feelings...doubts, struggles, fears, hopes, dreams...if it weren't, I would be in a whole lot of trouble because lawd knows I'm full up on those. And one thing I've realized is that it's even OK to be tempted. Jesus was even tempted. We are going to falter at times...we are human.

But to justify my feelings as more important than my faith is wrong. Feelings are good sometimes but one thing to always keep in mind is that Feelings lie. All I have to do to know that is true is to look back over my life and recall times when I was SO sure that I couldn't/wouldn't be able to survive or live without this particular certain someone in my life or without having this certain outcome I'd expected or hoped for. And now I look back with that perfect 20/20 "hindsight" vision and want to literally beat the crap out of myself for thinking that way.

Fact: I have feelings that are contrary to scripture. Probably every day, in fact.

Fact: I have times when I think God's way might be a little too "old school".

Fact: when I don't understand God's plan, I almost always catch myself "bargaining" with Him to get Him to do it my way. I often catch myself offering alternate solutions to His plan when I'm uncomfortable.

Fact: when I'm uncomfortable in what God or His word is telling me to do, I usually find myself justifying, "surely God doesn't want me to feel this way..."

Fact: I've been known to struggle with a "Grass is Greener" syndrome.  But like an awesome local pastor said recently, "If the grass is actually greener over there, the water bill is also probably much higher..." I may need to tattoo that on my body somewhere.

I recently met with a lady who is a very discerning and wise mentor, biblically speaking. She works with women a lot and one of the things she told me about myself was that I put too much value in my feelings. She said what I'm saying now: "We can't always trust our feelings.  With feelings, you have to line them up against God's word and, if they don't match, then your feelings are what's lying to you - not God - because God doesn't and can't lie. It's not in His nature or character."

This woman also gave me some emotional/spiritual homework to do and I know, without a doubt, that I looked at her like she had lost her mind. I know this because she told me I did...and, let's face it, I'm not one who hides what I'm thinking well.

What if it doesn't work? I asked, like a petulant child, one hand gripping each demin-clad thigh in frustration. What if I do what you're asking me to do and nothing in my life or heart changes?

"Honey," she leans in toward me, pinning me to the back of the couch with her intense stare, and says: "Don't you think that on the 6th time around the city of Jericho the Israelites looked up at the sky toward God and said in frustration, "Lord, this ain't working!

But, she continued, the walls came crumbling down on the 7th trip around. And do you know why?"

I don't think I said anything...I only remember shaking my head "no". Why?

"Because they followed their faith (in God) not their feelings..." God blessed them for doing what He said, not for doing what they felt.

Kinda awesome.

Also, kinda overwhelming. They weren't even told the exact number of trips it would take to make the walls crumble around Jericho. They were only given the instruction to TRUST and start walking.

And definitely kinda scary...I mean, what if they had quit on that 6th time around?  What if they were more like me and were the kind of person who says, "I don't want to do what you're asking me anymore...this ain't working." I don't know about the Israelites but I'm someone who likes to have a pretty clear plan in mind before I start walking the Path. The irony about Faith is, however, that God most often expects us to learn by leaping.

So instead of my feelings, I find myself leaning on some classic biblical truth today in Proverbs 3:5-6:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; (God, my situation makes no earthly sense to me)

...in all your ways submit to him, (Lord, you know what you're doing even if I don't)

and he will make your paths straight (and one day I know I'll see what You were doing - just like I have before when I trust you.  I'll be able to understand WHY You made you go that route)...

I don't know about you but what I want (desperately) is to stay on that straight path.  There is a phrase I have been repeating to myself in my lowest moments of each day when I feel defeated or when I feel "tempted" by my feelings. In the midst of my feelings that want to lead my off track and despite my stubbornness, I know that my Faith won't lie to me. I must fall back on this one, single truth that has never once failed me:

What The Lord wills for my life, I will for my life...

The Vision...

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Wed, 02 Apr 2014 18:18:00 +0000

As I think about how long it's been since I posted here, I'm actually wondering, "Do people even read blogs anymore?" Ha! In fact, I catch myself feeling like I'm on one of those live TV shows, playing the part of that very unsure person who walks up to a microphone in the center of a large wooden stage, leans in a little too close and asks, voice garbled as their lips graze the mic:

"Ummmm, is this thing on?" and then does the Tap. Tap. thing people always do even though they've seen enough movies to know better, surely.

In my imagination, the mic makes that atrocious, squealing feedback noise causing the speaker to step back and grimace, realizing they've caused everyone to grab for their violated ears and cringe for just a second. Awwwwkward.

Yes, I feel that out of practice.

Still standing in front of this imagined microphone, I'd clear my throat and try again...

"Well, hey there...it's been a while."

My eyes would scan the audience, thankful for the ones who came and scattered themselves in the seats around the room. Some people, I'd notice, would be nodding in encouragement, willing to hear what I have to say and ready to catch up. There would be a few, like those who have reached out over the last couple months, who would have a bit of concern etched on their faces. Has everything been okay? their eyes would ask, silently. Others, probably those most like me, would be leaned back in their chairs, faces stoic and arms crossed. One look in their eyes and I know I'd have to earn them back...after all, it's been a while. I feel like the friend who asked them on a coffee date each week for years and then one day stopped showing up, without explanation, for our regular meetings.

Mostly, I know I'm over thinking it but, hey, it's what us slightly strange, semi-creative people do. We over think. Usually everything in this girl's case.

Moving right along in my weird little mind...it occurs to me that if I were going to "come back" for the first time in a long while, I better make it "good", right? As in, really give you a glimpse into where my heart and mind has been during this quiet season. But that seems overwhelming and so I thought I would share the most important thing...and the thing that I was last and most focused on when I left off. The rest I can save for other posts and other days.

In an ideal world, I wanted to share this video when I'd made progress...like, for instance, once the website was fully up and running and when my 501c3 non-profit status was established. But life, especially with a two year old constantly underfoot, both flies by and drags on. Not much (at all) has changed since we filmed this Custom Made Kid video with our friends from Burgeon Media...time has simply marched on. Baby steps, right?

When I took a peek back at it the other day, I realized that DW and I have been married a year longer than the video says and our child has almost literally doubled in size. So instead of using this video as an introduction once it's all complete, I've realized it is instead, time to share it as "the vision" for what Custom Made Kid is...and where it's headed.

All I humbly and hopefully ask, is that if you take/took the time to watch and "get it" - if it sparks something in your heart or you see any magic in it - please share it however you feel comfortable. On your twitter, your facebook, your blog...whatever. I'd love to get the word out and there are lots of adoptive families and future adoptive families out there, with their very own "Custom Made Kid" or Kids that I can't reach without your help. CMK is also on Facebook now if you want to "like" the page and get updates on the (very slow) progress of the book and non-profit. I don't know if it will be weeks or years before it all manifests. I only know that I feel like God, from all the pain of infertility and the joy that LC has brought us, has put this passion in my heart and it's time to "step up to the mic", if you will. Passion from the pain...what a beautiful thing!

Without further ado...click the pic below to go see our video!

Thank y'all for sticking with me on this journey...and for watching. :-)

Though She Be but Little...

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Sun, 22 Dec 2013 15:59:00 +0000

"Though she be but little, she is fierce." - William Shakespeare

Happy 2nd Birthday to my favorite little girl in the world. LC, you have brought joy to my heart in unspeakable ways. Your life - and especially your presence in our family - is a *constant* reminder of God's infinite love for and grace on me...because how else would I have ever been so blessed as to call you my daughter?

I thank God every day that you were always in His Master Plan for our life. I pray for you each and every day, baby girl...that "though you are little", you might always stay "fierce". I truly believe with all my heart that He has a special plan for your life and it is my greatest joy to be allowed to come beside you in this journey to not only help guide you and protect you but also to champion you.

You are "Custom Made"...

...and don't you ever forget it.

Santa Claus & Aubie Claus

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Fri, 20 Dec 2013 22:11:00 +0000

Last weekend, we took LC to meet up with her best friend, Zachary to do the obligatory Santa Claus photos. These two really do love each other and, I swear, I need to write a kids book with them as inspiration. They call each other "Khaki" and "Lanlee" which is pretty adorable.

Anyway, we stood in line as the kids played, waiting on Singing Santa to stop singing and get down to business. LC played a little hard-to-get with Zachary, paid a little attention to their 2 month old little girl, MB...

...and snuggled a little with her Daddy (although she still purposely calls him "Gaggy"). I get told constantly how much LC looks like me from absolute strangers but this particular picture blows me away how much she looks like DW. Makes my heart pitter-patter in my chest a little.

...and then we got close enough to spot Santa...

LC wasn't too excited about it as you can see.

Honestly, I wasn't sure how LC would do because she is not a fan of strangers but she held her own. What really freaked me out was when I compared the difference between last years pics and this years pics. I can't believe how much she's grown. Although, I kinda can since it feels like I'm carrying a 13 year old most days. She is super tall (and dense) for her age or something because I know several 4 year olds that LC is looking at eye to eye.

Clearly she thinks Santa is for babies...(eye roll).

Zachary's face makes me laugh...I love that kid. It was like a very painful "Cheese".

We also, as Auburn fans, couldn't miss out on the opportunity to take the kids to go see Aubie-Claus. The real Aubie was actually visiting a local church and taking pics with kids so we reserved a time and headed over.

LC with her two crushes, Khaki and SEE-ven.

Zachary's face lit up like a Christmas Tree (to use a seasonally appropriate expression) when he saw Aubie and, as you can see from the pic, was absolutely thrilled to get to meet him.

LC, on the other hand, went into full blown cardiac arrest. Her daddy can only hope this doesn't mean that she grows up and becomes an Alabama fan. DW's entire family and my Dad, her "Ace", wouldn't be sad in the least if this catastrophe happened.

Notice to Alabama fans: the comment section of this blog post is closed. ;-)

The Single Girl's Manifesto

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Wed, 18 Dec 2013 16:41:00 +0000

I'm not single but yet the whole "singleness" thing has been heavily on my mind and heart lately. I can't even really tell you why. I guess, as the mom of a little girl, I see the world very differently when I think of it through her eyes. I already see a yearning in her for male attention and it makes me realize how intentional DW and I will need to be about showing her how to value herself from a very early age so that when she reaches the dating era of her life, she'll be well prepared.

In thinking on these things, a list started forming in my head of things I'd want to tell her "one day" pertained to dating and choosing someone to "do life with". I called it a "manifesto" simply because a manifesto is a published verbal declaration of the intentions, motives, or views of the issuer. Clearly, I don't claim to have any professional expertise in this area nor is this list comprehensive. It's just some personal thoughts...feel free to comment and add your own two cents.

As I was considering what I wanted to write down, I asked two very close friends the question, "If you could have a conversation with your 'former', single self about what you wish you knew then about relationships, dating, men, marriage, etc...what would be the one thing you would want 'her' to know?" Their answers are included in this list but this post is largely based on my own long list of poor dating choices, faux paus and personal transgressions.

The Single Girl's Manifesto

1. Be yourself… Like, your real no-holding-back self. If they don't like you, so what? There will be someone else who will. Worry less about making an impression on someone and more about just being "you". It will save you a lot of trouble in the long run. Honestly, this is a mistake I made frequently when dating. I wasn't NOT myself in the sense that I pretended to be something I wasn't but I let the idea someone might not like the real me affect my ability to just have fun and enjoy the process. Bottom line, I cared too much about what people thought about me instead of focusing on evaluating them thoroughly.

2. Be honest and expect honesty back. I feel like this one is self-explanatory but, again, it needs to be said. I think too many times people are afraid to offend in the dating process or be open about their values, standards, and expectations about life, love, etc but, if more people were, maybe there would be less divorce. Dating should be a process of elimination. Eliminate wisely and don't let it rock your value when others do the same.

3. Learn to be alone with (and actually like) yourself. Again, another failure on my part. Sometimes I wonder how I'm ever going to be able to encourage my daughter to do this when I was so horrible at it myself. I feel hypocritical, in a sense, because I didn't learn to love myself until much later in life and I'm still working on it. But if, for a moment, I could live by the principle of "do as I say, not as I did", it would be to encourage this:

Don't be afraid to be single. Don't be afraid to be a little bored or feel a little lonely. Instead of looking for someone (anyone) to be your crash pad, find other things besides a relationship to try and/or embrace. Try something new. Check off some "bucket list" items. Even if you don't necessarily want to do them by yourself, do them. If nothing else, it will make you more interesting to talk to and get to know.

4. Choosing to be single for a season doesn't mean you are completely missing your chance. Don't get me wrong, I know there are women who feel like they might have missed their chance and I'm not minimizing or belittling their single status. I don't know that pain. What I'm referring to is a short season to just be independent, self-contained, and to figure out how to do #3.

5. Just because you're attracted to someone don't mean they should be let into your life...or your heart. Even if you are inexplicably, insanely, incredibly attracted to someone, ironically, it doesn't mean that you should be with them. Especially… Especially… Especially…(are you getting this?) if it is mostly based on physical attraction. Looks fade and sex is like lighter fluid...it makes things burn bright and hot but if the slow-burning embers aren't there...your fire will die. It's only a matter of time. If you don't actually LIKE the person as a person, hit the road, Jack.

6. Have a "no compromise" list. I'm not talking about a long list of superficial physical qualities or personal attributes that you impose on someone or that you can't look beyond. I am talking about some issues that you absolutely can't bend on because they are "core values" that reach to your very soul. If someone has any of your "no compromise" traits...do just that, don't compromise.

7. Be smart. If you start recognizing the signs that it's highly unlikely to work, jump ship before you get your feelings deeply involved. Too often, I think women keep trying to make something work that deep down they know they shouldn't. Don't try to fit a square peg into a round hole. That's just begging for a broken heart down the road. You'll end up kicking yourself for not going with your gut back when.

8. What you feel early on aren't real feelings, it's emotional adrenaline. It's too easy to confuse infatuation and those "new" feelings that you have when dating with something more permanent. Those fluttery, excited feelings you get when you are getting to know someone shouldn't be confused with the verb "love". Love is an action, not just a feeling.

9. Let yourself be pursued. Don't do his "job" for him. I'm not saying play games at all...but what I am saying is not to be the one to initiate every conversation or meet up. Don't always be the first one to reach out. Let him seek you out. Let him romance you. I'm afraid women in this world have forgotten how to let themselves be romanced and I'm more afraid men are forgetting how to do it because they aren't really expected to anymore.

10. Less is more early on. Don't rush the process. Enjoy it. Don't wait by the phone for him to text or call. Don't not do things you want to do or cancel plans with friends to accommodate his schedule. Live your life authentically and thoroughly. Don't make him more important than you and don't treat him as less important than you. Simply, keep on running your race and let him come alongside you.

11. Dating should be the easy part. Newsflash: there are no trophies awarded for making a dating relationship work. Again, as I said before, dating is an elimination process and not everyone deserves to make the cut. In fact, only one person can make that final cut. I've done it myself and I've seen others continue a relationship that isn't healthy nor fulfilling. Marriage is (or should be) a lifelong commitment and it's very hard work at times. If your dating experience with someone is difficult or conflict-filled, consider there is a reason for it and recognize it doesn't get any easier.

12. Break the technology bond. Can you "do life" well face to face? Sure, texting can be flirty and cute and fun but if you can't have a real, emotionally fulfilling conversation face to face, do yourself a favor now. Bail. It is simply a false sense of "intimacy". This rule could also include the statement that if you find that you're checking your social media accounts on your phone more than you're giving (or getting) quality face-to-face time with him, you might not be that interested. When you really care about someone (or vice versa), you listen with your face.

13. Don't jack up the balance of power. If he takes an unexplained step back, don't step forward. Hold your ground. Don't try to "fix" it. Don't force it. Just be that real, authentic you and let him work through whatever it is. If he needs your input, he'll ask for it. If it's supposed to be, it'll all even back out but not if you start smothering him.

14. Don't over think it. Men have compartments. Your compartment might be closed right now and if you act like Andi Anderson on How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, you're the one who is gonna blow it. If he gets quiet for a couple hours or a couple days, chill out. He'll be back. And if he doesn't reappear, consider yourself blessed for knowing sooner than later.

15. If it seems like he's probably not interested, he's probably not interested. Don't overlook the signs just because you don't want to see them or because his lack of interest in you makes you feel rejected.

16. If you believe you need to end things, go with your gut and make the cut. It's a lot like taking off a bandaid...the sooner and the quicker you do it once its time, the less it will hurt. And even if it hurts really, really bad, it will hurt a lot more the longer you wait or the more you drag the inevitable out.

17. Men are resilient. Trust me, he'll survive. Don't be afraid to do what's best for you.

18. Don't worry about some one's feelings that doesn't worry about yours.

19. Don't be one of those girls who wants what you can't have. Ever met the girl who seems to date the men who are "bad boys" or heart breakers and then wonders why they get hurt? It's very unlikely you'll be the one to "change him" and it's not smart of you to try. Don't be that girl.

And on that note:

20. If you play with fire, expect to get burned. If you know someone has a certain reputation, consider they might have gotten it for a reason. I'm not saying to be judge-y but I am going to stick with the fire analogy and state the obvious: "where there is smoke, there's usually fire".

21. Be smart. Oh did I say this one already? Well, I meant it.

21. Don't start doodling his last name. What I mean by this is don't start fantasizing about a future with someone before you really take the time to get to know them. If you're so focused on getting from Point A to Point Z, you might miss a lot of things. Namely, some very important clues about the person you wish you would have known. Great that your names go so perfectly together when doodled on a piece of notebook paper but will your life be great together because you're equals? Infatuation isn't the same thing as Love.

22. If you've ended the relationship, keep a mental list handy of the reasons you ended it. Feelings are misleading. If you know - deep down know - that you don't need to be in a relationship with someone, it doesn't mean that every last feeling will immediately go away. Give yourself time to heal but, in the meantime, make a mental list of reasons that you ended the relationship so that you won't let your emotions rule you.

23. Refer to that above list of reasons as often as needed.

24. Don't make excuses for someone and/or cross reasons off the list that should stay on the list. Come on, you know you've done it. Don't start bending on your no-compromise list to make something work that shouldn't work. You're asking for trouble and heartache down the road.

25. Whenever you go, there you are. Don't think that a new situation or a new person is what's going to make you feel complete or happy. No person can do that for you. You can only do that for yourself.

26. Don't marry someone just because they ask. True Love and being "safe" are not the same thing. Too many times I talk to women who admit they thought a LOT about getting married, planning a wedding, and dreamed of their diamond ring but did very little thinking on the fact that an actual Marriage comes after all that. Don't let superficial things matter more than the real thing.

And finally, one last, really important one...

27. If you have doubts, slow down and wait. And if you have really big doubts, don't be afraid to stop. If you think it will "be embarrassing" to call off an engagement/wedding or you're "worried about what people will say", I'd submit it would be about 1000X more difficult to announce your divorce. And think about what those gossipy people will be saying then.

In summary, Take your time. Be discerning. And, for goodness sakes, value yourself. .Afterall, this is potentially the whole rest of life we are talking about here.

Paid in Full...

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Mon, 09 Dec 2013 15:42:00 +0000

When DW and I were adopting LC, there were a ton of steps to the process. We had to have our initial home study done to determine whether we could provide a safe environment, a Federal background check to ensure there were no crimes against children in our backgrounds, we had to hire a lawyer here in Alabama to work on the actual adoption and a lawyer in LC's birth state to do all the things necessary (like terminating the birth parents rights, making us legal guardians, etc) to make her adoptable. Needless to say, it wasn't inexpensive. And also needless to say: it was a hundred million times over worth it.

When I sent the final payment to the Alabama lawyer, we received a letter back from them in the mail. I tore the seal of the envelope open and there, at the top of the page and in all caps, were the following words:

ADOPTION STATEMENT

Below those two words, there was the original total of what we owed, followed by a line by line detail of each of the charges incurred during the process of the adoption. Each one of those items, in a very long list, had cost us. In fact, they filled the entire page. Our debt was large.

My eyes continued to scan down the page and I finally found what I was looking for. In red capital letters, there it was: PAID IN FULL. Immediately, I felt that burn you get behind your eyes that tell you the tears are a'comin.

In fact, if someone had asked me to talk in that moment, I'm not sure I could have past the huge lump in my throat. Not only did that Paid in Full symbolize something wonderful for our little family - in every way LC was ours and ours completely - I couldn't help but think that it was a perfect picture of what Christ did for us.

I imagine salvation as a tangible thing and this is what it looks like. It's a letter that comes in the mail and at the top it says: ADOPTION STATEMENT. God looks down this long list of charges against us, knowing each one of those charges created a debt. He KNEW that loving - and saving us - would cost Him but He did it anyway. With His life, he marked our debt: PAID IN FULL

It blows my mind every day that He invited me into a relationship because He wanted me and because I needed Him. He paid the full price to adopt me, made me a full heir - equal in every way to the best and the least in His family - and chose to love me without condition. I'll say it again: blows. my. mind.

Before, in a life Pre-LC, I didn't understand adoption. To me, it was a great concept...it was important there were people (others better than I) who would adopt...but there were more reasons NOT to adopt than TO adopt.

I feel physically sick when I think of what it would have cost me to not sacrifice our finances to adopt our daughter, the very light of my world. Our bank account would have been much more full but our lives and our hearts...our very existence...would have been so much more infinitely empty.

I feel both humbled and heartsick that my list of excuses was always so long...

...what if I don't love them?

...what if they don't love me?

...what if they have problems from _____ ?

But the very first one on my list was always: IT WILL COST ME TOO MUCH.

It could cost me emotionally.

It would most assuredly cost me financially.

It would require I sacrifice myself for another...lay down my life for another.

I say those words again, with tears pouring down my face: It will cost me too much.

How glad I am that my Savior didn't say that about me. How glad I am that He didn't make a list (like I did), of all the reasons saving me (and loving me) wouldn't make sense. How grateful I am that He didn't choose to look at the long list of "debts" against me and say, No, this one isn't worth saving. It will cost me too much.

It humbles me to know that I have been privileged with the ability to adopt and, in doing so, have a new and intimate understanding of what Christ has done for each of us. I think, despite my resistance to adoption, God knew it would brand my heart with the truth of His indelible grace and so it would be. I've been blessed beyond my wildest imagination by the gift of adoption and so you'll never, ever hear me complain about the cost. And if I could sit down and have coffee with Jesus and ask Him how He feels about what I cost Him, I imagine I wouldn't hear Him complain either.

He'd simply reach out and hold my hand in His nail scarred hand and, with a knowing smile, say three of the most beautiful words I've ever heard...

PAID IN FULL.

Almost

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Tue, 12 Nov 2013 16:44:00 +0000

When LC first became our very own Custom Made Kid, I had soooooo many moments throughout every single day where I thought with surprise, "Holy Cow...I'm a mom." I would look at her and feel this sense of awe that she was actually a part of my life. I was doing the day in, day out role of a mom but it felt a lot like putting on a new pair of jeans that hadn't been broken in just yet. The jeans fit but they weren't comfortable and I wasn't sure exactly how to wear them. With a little time and a few trips through the ringer, things changed. Things began to fit just right and now, well, it's my favorite pair.

During that early season, there were so many times where I also thought, "Somehow someone is going to realize I don't deserve this..." and it felt like just as rapidly as our world changed for the better, it would all disappear just as quickly. But with time, LC and I both (and DW, of course) settled into our rhythm, I started feeling "safe" that this good thing really had happened to us and was here to stay, and being a "mom" felt like less of a "role" and became something "organic" inside of me. Somewhere along the way, it stopped being a thing I was doing and became a part of who I am.

A Day In The Life of Almost Two

One moment I'm sitting on the couch folding laundry while she's playing with toys and LC runs over and says, emphatically, MOMMY! HUG, peas!

My heart melts.

Fifteen minutes later, I walk by LC, lean down, and say, Can I have a kiss?

NO PEAS! she whines, turning her head and body away from me so fast that wispy blond hair whips her in the face.

Well, ok then.

I made the mistake (?) of trying to teach LC to say "No, thank you" when she doesn't want something instead of having a meltdown. Instead, it became "No peas!" and it is used so often I dream of a rewind to the day I thought that was a good idea. I think it was my dad who, during the middle of a tantrum, laughed and said, "Well, at least she's polite in her disobedience..."

Oh yea, mark that one in the "win" column... (shaking head no)

One moment I say, "Ok, lets go to school..." and she responds like this:

NO PEAS!!!

Ummmm, I reply, I need you to be sweet, please...

Weet, she replies, a total transformation coming over her.

Beyond the moments of crazy almost two, LC has become such a funny little girl and I absolutely have so much joy in my heart because of her. Last night I was sitting at the table with her and wanted her to try a bite of a food she really doesn't like but will tolerate. I handed it to her and said "Take a bite, please..." and she replied, "No peas."

"Yes" I counter and she raises it to her mouth, does this squirrel nibble on it (she didn't even touch it) and then she (fake) dry-heaved and said, "Sca-wee." (Scary).

I'll be the first to admit that I have far more "hanging on by the skin of my teeth" moments in motherhood than I expected. Being LC's mom has made me crazy (at times), a hypocrite ("I will NEVER do that with my kid), a more outwardly emotional person (inward has never been a problem), and it has humbled me in ways I didn't know were possible. It has also fulfilled my dreams and then some.

Thinking of a life without her...now that's Sca-wee.

CMK Model...

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Fri, 08 Nov 2013 16:54:00 +0000

A few weeks back, I wanted to test the sizing and quality of various t-shirts and I couldn't resist sharing a few pics of LC modeling her very own Custom Made Kid™ tee. I seriously underestimated how happy this would make me and how much I would die over the cuteness of seeing her wearing her very own LC-inspired "brand".

It's Fall, Y'all...

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Thu, 24 Oct 2013 09:48:00 +0000

Yesterday was an absolutely gorgeous Fall day here in Alabama and LC was in a super cute, playful mood. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to spend a few minutes behind the camera...

Can you say cheese?

Chiss.

What are you holding?

Egg.

Can you dance for Mommy?

A bug has been spotted...

This photo shoot is officially over, Mommy...

SOOT!

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Wed, 23 Oct 2013 19:24:00 +0000

On Sunday night, we took LC and met her bestie, Z, at the Birmingham Zoo for their annual "Boo at the Zoo" celebration. The kids were definitely a little young to understand the whole thing but the lights and all of the costumes people were wearing was super entertaining and it was just fun to do something different.

We did stop to take a quick cameo with a skeleton that was in the corner of the petting zoo. It's a miracle...we actually have a picture with all three of us in it.

The Stone family...minus Miss McKenzie. The Stones, although not in the picture, just added a sweet baby girl to their family this month. I seriously still can't believe Amber was willing to get up and walk the entire Zoo. Tough lady!

LC wasn't sure about standing so close to the creepy skeleton...

...and, of course, what post is complete without a picture of LC's little tongue sticking out?

Speaking of LC, she is growing up waaaaaay too fast. Today I was running some errands and ended up forgetting something at the store so I went "Ugh!" and whipped the car around. From the backseat I heard a tiny little voice say: SOOT! (Shoot!) Guess it's time to more mindful of my exclamations.

On this same errand adventure, I had to slow down to let a high school-ish boy cross at the crosswalk. He was dressed nice and, admittedly, a handsome little thing in a total non-cougary way. Statement of a fact.

We paused and waited as he crossed and in my rearview mirror, I could see LC craning her neck to look at the person crossing the street. Then, from the backseat she commented:

"Boy. Boy." and then added "Coot Boy." Heaven hold me. I'm not ready for this although my mom tells me that I was about LC's age when I threw myself down in front of our teenage next door neighbor, batted my eyes and said, "Hep me up..." I guess life has a way of humbling you. ;-)

More recent LC-isms...

The other night for dinner, I threw some chicken on the grill and when DW walked in the door from work, I asked him if he would go check it. Since he was holding LC in his arms, he took her with him. When he opened the lid, he said something along the lines of, "See the chicken, baby?" and she replied: Bock. Bock.

He came back in laughing so hard because he said that right after she made the chicken noise (which she has done before) she took this long pause and under her breath said, "Bye Bye Chicken."

I still laugh every time I think of it. No idea if she made the connection for real or what but still...

Recently, I've really been working on getting LC to "use her words" instead of whining. When she starts with the tantrums, I make sure to ask her, "Are you whining? Is whining a no-no?" and she will often respond, "Whining...no.no." There are times that pointing it out and just getting her to articulate stops the whining but, if she chooses to continue, we tell her to go put her nose in the corner. For LC, this is a VERY effective method because she's big on attention. We give her a minute to center herself and when she stops whining, it's not uncommon to hear her yell, "ORRY!" from the corner.

Once she apologizes, we let her come out and ask her to come to one of us and "talk about it." We want her to understand why she got time out, obviously. Discipline without instruction just seems wrong to me. I feel like just getting in trouble without understanding "why" just begs to teach a kid how to be deceptive. I desperately want to teach her to have a heart change...not just hide her "bad" behavior. Our conversations often go like this:

"Come here...let's talk about it. Do you know why you had to stand in the corner?"

"Whining..." she will usually reply...or if she doesn't, we help her with her answer.

Is whining a no-no? I'll ask.

No no.

Ok, well, lets not do that, ok? Can you tell Mommy you're sorry?

Orry.

Ok, I need you to look at Mommy's eyes when you say you're sorry. Show me you mean it.

Eyes. Orry. Mwean it.

Thank you, baby. I forgive you, ok?

Ok.

Can I have kisses?

I always try to talk about what she has done and then I always want her to know that her actions - even bad ones - don't change how I feel about her. I want her to be able to tell people she's sorry when she's wrong and I definitely want her to learn how to give and receive forgiveness. And then we always end it by reconnecting. I don't want her to feel distance between us and, while she might refuse my "make-up kisses" one day - that day isn't today. It's so important to me that she know that discipline doesn't mean I withdraw my affection.

Granted, it doesn't always work like this but the more we do it, the more it does...at least at home. Public tantrums are a different story. Oy.

The other day, she walked into the kitchen and started whining about something. I raised my eyebrows and gave her "the look" and she instantly said, "WHIIIIIIIINING..." I almost laughed out loud but much to my amusement and surprise, she walked herself to "her corner" saying, "WHHHHYYYY-NING...." over and over againg as she put her own nose in the corner. I still didn't say anything because I was curious what she would do and it wasn't two more seconds before I heard, "Orry!" and she took herself out of the corner. Into the kitchen she ran and said, "KEESH!"

Kiss. It's what we do, like I mentioned earlier, and I LOVE that actually recognizes that's a part of the process. :-) It was cute but, honestly, it melted me. It was one of those all-too-rare moments in motherhood where I thought, "What I'm doing is working..." There is a lot about motherhood where I just HOPE she's getting it but in this case, I was able to see that she was. It's like getting a much-needed pat on your back at your job (although please take the word "job" loosely).

Anyway, not too long after the self-discipline incident, DW and I were driving somewhere and we got into an animated conversation. We weren't fighting but we were definitely talking about an issue - debating - and we both got really engaged about it. Suddenly, from the backseat we realized LC was yelling, "WHINING! WHINING!!! Mommy! Gaggy! WHINING!"

She recognized that we were definitely not using our normal tones and she let us hear about it. We have incorporated "WHINING" into our vocabulary thanks to LC. Every time of us catches our self complaining about something, we cut off the negativity simply by saying "WHINING!" in an LC-like voice. Usually it sorta clears the air and makes us laugh.

And, boy, does that girl ever give us reasons to laugh...

Baby Steps...

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Mon, 21 Oct 2013 15:14:00 +0000

I am having far, far too much fun with developing Custom Made Kid™ to be able to consider it "work" in any way and wanted to share what I've been up to lately with CMK. It's been absolutely amazing to feel how "home" I feel to be working on this project and how much I feel the Lord encouraging me to keep going. Follow through isn't always my strong suit.

I'm almost done with the website that I've been working on. In a moment of stark-raving insanity, I decided I would attempt to design the website from scratch all by myself. Days, weeks, less hair, and at least 12 migraines later, I think I'm almost done. I'm actually pretty proud of it and keep telling myself it's ok if it looks a little bit like a 6th grader designed it. It's a website about kids afterall so maybe people will just assume I did it that way on purpose. Yea that. Either way, I had three main goals...give clear and concise information, keep the website super easy to navigate, and keep the overall look clean and simple.

Here's a couple shots of some of the pages although the quality isn't anything like what the actual website looks like...but it gives a good idea.

My friend, Jessica, shot the picture below for her friends that are adopting. I fell in love and begged her to use it on the website. It pretty much says it all for me!

Currently, as some of you saw elsewhere, I'm trying to decide which "style" I'm going to go with for the kid's shirt. Note: not using the black shirt...it's "for example" only.

tshirt image courtesy of american apparel website

I also think I've narrowed down the first round of women's CMK shirts to these three and plan to put them on Alternative Apparel brand tees because they have that super-soft feel without being cheap.

tshirt image courtesy of american apparel website

This last one, I questioned for a while because it looks a little LSU-ish and, if you know a thing about the SEC, you know they be cray. Nothing against LSU but it's like a rule that SEC people don't wear other schools colors. I finally decided that people that would hate on this shirt for the colors are the kind of people who would kick puppies. You can wear purple and gold for the chil-rens.

tshirt image courtesy of american apparel website

I couldn't pass it up since that banner the kids are holding in the logo has exactly the gold and purple for two of the flags.

Anyway, these tees and a couple others are going to be on the website eventually under our "shop" tab. Any other colors or styles you'd like to see? I'm open to suggestions...

Blue Door Diary

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Fri, 18 Oct 2013 14:16:00 +0000

This picture creates so much perspective for me. I look at LC on her tiptoes, reaching up to try to open that blue door, and something about it has stuck with me for the last few days. I just keep going back to look at it.

My friend, Jessica, and I decided that, since we both had our afternoon free earlier this week, we would meet up halfway between our two great states - Georgia and Alabama - and have lunch and let our girls play. While LC and I were waiting on Jessica and Olivia to arrive, we were walking up and down the sidewalk in a cute little renovated town and came upon this row of offices that looked more like something European-esque to me.

Five Blue doors spread out in a row in front of LC and I watched as she went to each one, knocked, wiggled the handle, and tried to figure out a way to open the doors. Up and down she would walk.

"Knaw-Knaw" she'd say, tapping her tiny, balled up fist on the door and trying to repeat the "Knock-Knock" we've taught her to do before coming into a room. Most of the offices were closed for the day and I didn't have to worry about us bothering anyone so I just let her explore.

Of all the doors, there was this one in particular LC kept coming back to and I found myself wondering, "Why?" Why did she want that one? What was it about the idea of entering Blue Door #4 that captured her when there were so many other doors to choose from?

I couldn't help applying that analogy to life and faith as I stood there and watched her. How many times, in my own life, had I decided on a particular Door and just felt determined it was the right one, forsaking all other Blue Doors without a backward glance?

There have been many of those times, I know.

I know that I did that with motherhood. In my infertility, I looked at Biology door and thought, "That's my door...that's the only door for me." and then I proceeded to do everything I could do to get in.

Locked?

Meh, no matter. I'll just wiggle the handle and pound on the door and scream and cry and shake my fist until it opens because I only have eyes for this door. Surely with enough persistence the door will open or someone on the other side will hear the pounding and let me in. Who would keep someone outside that wanted in so desperately? Surely my cries wouldn't be ignored. Surely.

But no, the door stayed closed and instead of stepping back and looking with fresh eyes at the other doors - those other opportunities that might be better for me - I somehow thought that leaving the locked door and walking through another one must mean I was giving up. After all, Biology Door was what I desperately wanted...and didn't that mean something?

I wonder if God looked down at me - His little girl - as I stood there on my tiptoes, rattling the handle and pondered why I was so incredibly determined to get in that door. The one He had sovereignly locked me out of for a very good reason. Quite simply, it wasn't the best door for me.

I wonder if He marvelled at how long I was willing to stand there and pound, even though it was so clearly locked. And I wonder if it hurt Him when I turned to Him, tears streaming down my face as I shook my little fist, angry He wouldn't let me in.

If you love me like you say you do, I screamed, HOW CAN YOU JUST STAND THERE AND DO NOTHING?

I wonder if it broke His heart when I turned away from Him and dropped to my knees in front of that door, head hung low in despair, and said, "I know you told me that you have a good plan for my life but I'm not sure I believe you anymore. I've been asking you for help and you're just standing there."

I remember now, though, how He gently called to me and reminded me there were other doors. I see now that there were times He tried to let me know that behind a different door there were greater things ahead for me.

I remember how He walked forward and gently embraced me as I cried and I remember how He stood and held out His hand to me and said, "Stop fighting, little one..."

I recall how His arm didn't grow weary and He never stopped reaching out for me, even as I refused to stand up and take His hand. He waited for me to cry all my tears. He patiently waited for me to tire of pounding and screaming and, as a parent now, I know how that must have hurt Him to watch.

And, finally, when I had given up on my own Blue Door dream and said, "Show me. I want to see what you've got that's so great..." He took the hand I offered and gently said, "Come this way...you're going to love it."

And He was right...

Unimaginable blessings and happiness and hope and peace. Behind a different door I'd find my passion and I'd, for the first time in my life, truly find my purpose. Behind a different door - one I was so dang determined to ignore - there was a beautiful story waiting for me. I only had to stop pounding on the wrong door and start seeking out the Door I was meant to walk through.

Little girl in front of the Blue Door, may you always find your way...

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Matthew 7:7-8

Custom Made Kid™

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Fri, 11 Oct 2013 13:33:00 +0000

I am super, super excited to share the logo I had made for my children's book now that I've gotten everything officially registered. I knew that I wanted it to be clean yet also somehow whimsical and a bit "vintage" looking. I think the logo designer I chose really managed to do a great job with making all those desires come together in one sweet little logo!

Eventually, I plan to post a widget on my blog that will link to the website where people can purchase the book, buy CMK t-shirts, and also find out more information in general. I'm still in the goal setting phase for the official release date - and I'm not one for patience when it comes to something I'm excited about - but I'm trying so, so hard not to rush this process. I feel like God gave me this specific dream and want everything to be exactly like what's in my head...no corner cutting no matter how ready I am to get this ball rolling.

I can't help but think back on all those dark, infertility years of not knowing and pain and just plain hurt that God could leave me in the "valley" for so long. What was He doing? I was so upset at Him at times even though I knew better than, based on our history together, to question His plan. And then one day completely out of the blue, I get this call and my whole world from top to bottom gets completely flipped upside down.

Crazy.

It was like that with meeting DW, too. I had no idea that I was going to meet my future husband when I packed up a Uhaul truck and headed to Birmingham for a "fresh start". 500 miles and a few short months later, much to my surprise and everyone else's concern, DW and I had eloped. Single to married in under 3 months from the time we realized we weren't "just friends". Heartsick Infertile to Mother in less than 15 days. God seems to like to make me wait until I'm sure that there is no other possibility but for Him to do something miraculous and then WHAM!

Huge and amazing things happen. What a show off. ;-) (I mean that in a completely loving and admiring way, God. Please hold the lightning.)

I think of LC like that final piece of the puzzle that just made this entire crazy picture come clear for my life. She's not the last piece...she's just the one that finally made that picture start to make sense.

Being honest, I don't know what will happen with Custom Made Kid™ but the more I pray about it, the more I realize that the outcome doesn't really matter. I could sell 5 books, I might sell 5,000 but, as I remind myself daily, it really shouldn't matter. What should matter is that I am trying to be faithful to what I feel like God has called me to do in this season and whatever He does or does not choose to do with it isn't my call. Simply walking this leg of the journey like He's asked me to is all I have to do.

Instead of feeling vulnerable and desperately afraid of failing, I try to constantly think about the fact that if this book helped one family or one child by telling them (or reminding them) that God loves them and they believed it to the bottom of their hearts...then its successful. And that, my friends, takes a whole lot of pressure off and just allows me to let the creativity flow and lets this Dreamer dream.

I am completely (good) emotional and I feel like I have to say, from the bottom of my heart, Thank you! I truly believe that the readers who hurt with us during those dark, dark days of infertility actually hoped and prayed LC into our life and, in doing so, also brought this dream to life. Gah, this is embarrassing to say this out loud but I don't think of this as just "my" dream...I think of this as "our" dream. As in the people who invested in my journey and are still investing their time in reading and lift up prayers on behalf of our family and even Custom Made Kid™. Gag if you want to but I swear I mean it.

God has given me this incredible vision for Custom Made Kid™. It literally makes my heart palpitate when I think of it. It's not going to be just a children's book...it'll have super powers. :-)

Will you come dream with me?

Whoooo Whooooo...

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Thu, 10 Oct 2013 11:22:00 +0000

I swear, these days I'm either laughing at LC or dying of embarrassment. The child has a gift.

LC has really started to show an interest, for the first time, in playing with and kissing her stuffed animals (or am-in-als as she calls them). The other morning, while I was changing her diaper, she held out her stuffed puppy to me and said, "Keesh". Since I was a bit occupied, I kissed the air in the general direction of the puppy and LC looked at me with this disturbed little face and then back at the puppy before holding him back out to me and clarifying, "Mouf. Keesh." Mouth kiss. Guess there is no fooling her...and I was pretty impressed with her ability to communicate her dissatisfaction as well as the solution!

When its time to leave the house, she carefully chooses who gets to go with her and then tells the others, "Buh bye" in a strangely deep voice, waving so long on her way out the door to those left behind. Most often, she takes her stuffed Puppy (Pup-PEE) and her stuffed "Owl" (OW), both gifts from my Mom now that I think of it...so high five, Gee.

I've absolutely loved and thought its so super cute that when LC holds her bunny, she calls it "Bunny Hop Hop" and her cat is "Kitty Yeee-ow" and the Puppy, which makes total sense is "Puppy Ruff Ruff". Almost as if those are their last names.

WELL.

I tell you these details not because I want to give you every trivial detail of my child's life but because you'll see in a minute how this matters. I don't remember if I mentioned it before on the blog or not but several months back, LC had this obsession with blueberries. At home, when she called them "boobies" it was funny. When I quietly walked by the blueberries in the grocery store and LC began screaming "BOOBIES!!! BOOBIES!!! BOOBIES!!!" at the top of her lungs, it was not so funny any more.

She's been articulating her words better lately and I had assumed that, for the most part, those type of awkwardnesses had passed until we got more into the sentences. Not so. The child likes to keep me humble, whatcanIsay?

Anyway, we left the house the other day with the Pup-PEE and the OW per the usual and I'm running errands. When I set her in the cart with her owl (the only one who had made it indoors with us this time), she started playing this game where she would throw her Owl on the floor or into the back of the cart. I gave it back to her a couple times but once I figured out that it was a game, I signed to her that she was "all done" because we don't throw things on the floor.

A few seconds later, LC started asking for her Ow Who Who and I remind her that she doesn't get it because she was throwing it down after I asked her not to.

"Ow Who Who, Mah-ME. Peas..." she says.

No ma'am. Mommy told you not to drop it.

"Dwop it." she replies.

That's right, I confirm. You can either hold it or leave it.

"Weave it." she parrots.

Yup.

Ow Who Who, Mah-ME, PEAS. she says again.

I continue pushing my cart but I don't respond and it frustrates her.

OW WHO WHO, PEAS!!! she says more loudly, as if I'm suddenly suffering from deafness rather than purposely ignoring her.

No ma'am, I'm sorry...we already tried it and you dropped it again. I remind her.

At this point, LC somehow understood that I was not responding in the way she was hoping and the toddler wailing and crying began. I grit my teeth because I hate public tantrums but I'm also SO not going to send the message, "Cry and throw a fit and I'll give in..."

Sorry, aint happenin. I'll just be dying of embarrassment on the inside, thankyouverramuch.

Much to my great dismay, though, her tears escalated and what I hadn't factored on was how strangers would look at me when my child began crying and screaming, "OW-WHOWHO-Mommy! OW-WHO-WHO! OWWWWWWWW-WHOOOOOOOO-WHOOOOOOO" over and over.

Let's face its, when a child begins screaming the words "OW" and "WHOWHO" in the same sentence - in public no less - its a little problematic. I literally started sweating and felt a strong need to explain to those around me that her "WHO WHO" was just fine by holding up her little stuffed owl. This, I wanted to say, is her Who Who. Its not what you're thinking. Finally, I managed to distract her with some Savior Gummy Bears I had in my diaper bag, hoping and praying that no one called the police before we made it out of the store.

In retrospect, it might have been a better idea to just give her back that dang Owl Who Who after all.

When My Foot Is Slipping...

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Wed, 09 Oct 2013 11:54:00 +0000

When I said, "My foot is slipping,"

your love, O Lord, supported me.

When anxiety was great within me,

your consolation brought joy to my soul.

Psalm 94:18-19

I don't think I could say enough how much I love the above verses. There have been so many times in my life where I felt like "my foot was slipping" - whether that be spiritually or in other areas of my life like motherhood, marriage, self-worth, etc. I've never pretended to have it all together on this blog and I surely won't start pretending now. I thought I'd share this verse and why I love it so much, especially since I'm convinced other people feel this way, too!

Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling like my finger got stuck in an electric socket. If you're someone who deals with anxiety, you probably know exactly the feeling I'm talking about and its not a good one. The closer I've learned to trust and walk with Christ, the less this happens to me but it's not gone. There are times where it feels like someone has their boot in the middle of my chest.

Sometimes I feel this feeling because of some obvious stressor in my life that I'm allowing to control my thoughts and other times Anxiety just shows up uninvited, comes in without knocking, and makes itself right at home. More and more, I'm learning that I have this negative soundtrack that plays over and over in my head and the longer I let it "play", the greater my anxiety. The sooner I realize what internal "soundtrack" I'm allowing to play - and the quicker I change the channel if its a negative one - the more that uninvited visitor stays away.

Recently, whenever I start thinking negative thoughts about life or finances or myself, I literally visualize that God is standing there right by my side. Its funny, but there is something about imagining the Creator the the Universe standing there listening in to every thought that makes me want to get my mind quickly in check. After all, I tell myself, if I were standing in front of the artist of a painting, there is no way in the world I would say to them, "You know what? This thing you created...well, it's total crap. You clearly didn't know what you were doing."

No...no matter what I thought of that person's creation, if I were standing right there in from of them, I wouldn't demoralize them in that way. I wouldn't tear down their hard work and I wouldn't say things that made them feel like their efforts were in vain. What I would try to do - not to be fake but to honor that person's genuine effort - is to find the positive things I could say about it and I would focus (sometimes really, really hard ;) on those.

But yet, I basically tell God (as Author and Creator of All Things) that His artwork isn't good enough ALL the time. My negative self-talk tells Him that I don't like what He created. My anxiety/worry about life situations tell Him, if I boil it all down, that I lack trust in His plan and don't necessarily believe He will take care of me when the rubber really meets the road. Strange when I think of it in that light but also humbling and very convicting.

Just out of curiousity, I looked up the Hebrew word for "consolation" in the context of that verse (above) and it's "tanchum" which simply means comfort. I mean, I'm smart enough to know what consolation means but when I think of the word "consolation", I typically think of it in terms of the phrase "consolation prize"...as in, don't feel bad you're a loser. But in this text, it simply means "to bring comfort to someone in distress."

It still surprises me every day all over again that God would care about the things that matter to me. Insert a moment of awe here (on my part) as I repeat now: The Creator of the Universe cares for me (and you) and is willing to comfort me (and you). Yes, you.

Yup, mind blown.

And then, finally, I made a quick little list of verses I could think off the top of my head about God's promises (His comforts so to speak) and so I thought I would share a few..

1. Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength..."

Amy's translation/thoughts: I confess before man and God, I don't like Philippians 4:13. It ranks extremely high on the verses overused by Christians when they speak "christianese" and so, God forgive me, even though I know its applicable and totally true and I believe it with all my heart..I don't like it. But it came to mind so here it is. And it is comforting unless someone says it to me when I'm hurting and then I want to rip their Christian tongue out.

2. Luke 12:6-7 “What is the price of five sparrows—two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows."

Amy's translation/thoughts: if God cares about a dumb bird, He fo sho cares for you and me.

3. Philippians 4:19 "And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus."

Amy's translation/thoughts: I need to keep in mind that God said He would take care of my NEEDS. He did not promise He would take care of my every WANT. Designer jeans are not "glorious riches" despite what I might think.

4. Psalm 145:13-14 "The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all He has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down."

Amy's translation/thoughts: If the Lord is faithful to all He has made...and He made me...then I guess that A+B = C and He will be faithful to me...even when circumstances in life might not seem like it.

5. 2 Peter 1:3 "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness..."

Amy's translation/thoughts: If you want answers about life, get to know Him. Pray. Get in the Word...because if you have questions that need to be answered or want to know God more, go there. It's His treasure map, full of clues about who He is and who you are in Him. I'm not even saying you have to believe in God just yet. But I beg you this one thing: show up with an open heart.

6. James 1:1-7 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Amy's translation/thoughts: I hate trials. But I love what God has done in my life through them.

7. James 1:6 "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

Amy's translation/thoughts: Please note that scripture comes with a condition..."But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord". That's harder said than done for me, however, I'm learning.

8. Matthew 11:28-29 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

Amy's translation/thoughts: Pretty self explantory but I just have to add that this is one of my favorite verses of all time. I lean into it when I'm hurting and it's always proven true for me.

The list could go on and on...anyone have any "comforts" of God they would like to add to the list? I'm all ears...errr, eyes.

Yayas...

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Tue, 08 Oct 2013 11:43:00 +0000

Here and now, I'm making a commitment to more regularly documenting on the blog. I mentally needed a break from it during the last year or so but I'm also realizing that I'm just horrible at recording memories unless I do it this way. So here goes nothing...

Like I mentioned yesterday, this past week/end was filled with progress and people we love. Jeremy left on Friday morning and Dan and Amara rolled in Friday evening. Amara was my faithful workout buddy in college (I miss it!) and, at one point, was a roommate, too. Once we "grew up", Amara went to New York to pursue her dreams and I met myself an Alabama boy who stole my heart. Even though its been 8 years since we had last seen one another in person, it was as if no time had passed at all. I think that's a pretty good sign of our friendship. :-)

While I live what I would call a fairly predictable life in Alabama, Amara and Dan live the least predictable life I can imagine. They founded Burgeon Media a few years ago and have spent their time traveling to places I've never even heard of, filming projects for the History Channel, Travel + Leisure, and collaborating with organizations like CBS and The Center for Healthy Housing. It might sound like I'm bragging on them and, I guess, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. Honestly, I'm just incredibly proud of them. I know, from talking to Amara, how incredibly laborious its been to grow their business and so I'm ecstatic to be able to witness their dreams come true.

And speaking of dreams coming true...while they were here, they very generously offered to film a short promo video for the children's book I've been working on. I can't believe I'm watching this dream get closer and closer! To have this video filmed by these two was such a blessing to me, especially after months of hitting roadblock after confusing roadblock about what the right "next step" should be. It helped to be talking to friends in front of the camera because instead of being terrified, I felt prefectly comfortable. God definitely sent the right people for the job!

I boo-hoo'd when I watched it for the first time...and the time after that....and the time after that...and...

I'm not ready to roll it out just yet because I'm finishing up the website and really dotting my i's and crossing my t's...but I absolutely can't wait! In the meantime, here are some (unfortunately grainy) pics of my sweet friends from this weekend.

And a quick screenshot of the video, although I couldn't catch one where my mouth wasn't running...

Baby steps!

Let There Be Light...

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Mon, 07 Oct 2013 14:45:00 +0000

This past week was one of the most "full" weeks I've had in a very long time. We did a lot of work on our house projects, got to spend time with some very special people in our life, and I had a ton of adult conversation...which always seems to knock the dust of my mind and emotions. After spending days and weeks on end with the wonderful person in my life who speaks in mostly grunts and one word answers (and no, I'm not talking about DW ;), sometimes adult conversation feels as if its a mythical creature like a unicorn.

One thing I'm realizing more and more is that DW and I are truly blessed with great people in our life who truly verb-love us. It's one thing to have people tell you that they care about you or that they will be there for you but this words person is growing up and learning that words can be - while temporarily gratifying - very cheap when not backed up by action. It's incredibly humbling for me to realize God has blessed us with people in our life who regularly show up in our life in a variety of ways.

Now, let me quickly make a disclaimer here...I'm not saying that people have to do things for us for their friendship to count...not even. But what I guess I'm trying to say is that we have lots of doers in our life - from people who roll up their sleeves and get their hands dirty...to people who check in and really dig in with me about where my head and heart is at. I'm feeling very blessed to realize that.

Last week, our good friend from Memphis and the most do-it-all person I know, Jeremy, called and said, "I've got vacation time to burn and my tools ready...got a project for me?"

Ummmm, why YES. Yes, I do.

My mother-in-law graciously watched LC while DW and I embarked on a new "this old house" project. As far as I can tell, people in the 50's who built houses didn't believe in light. When we purchased our house, each room had a single bulb-light in the ceiling and we've slowly added fans and lighting throughout the house. That said, we knew our biggest, most intensive lighting project was going to be our kitchen and den but we just hadn't made the time to do it. Jeremy's call was just the bump we needed to get something we've been wanting done for a long time.

In the kitchen, Jeremy was able to run/reconfigure our electrical so that we could get rid of the center kitchen light, put in pendent lighting over our bar (to add a little subtle division to the rooms), and we also installed some recessed lighting. In the den, we added recessed lighting and secured our fan so it wouldn't fly off one day and decapitate someone.

Our kitchen and den have come a long, long way from when we first purchased it.

THEN:

NOW:

THEN:

NOW:

THEN:

NOW:

I knew that the project would make a difference - and I guess you would probably have to live here to know what a huge difference it actually made - but WOW. It's like night and day...errrr, no lame pun was intended. Thank you, Jeremy!

The afternoon Jeremy left, our friends, Dan and Amara, the masterminds behind Burgeon Media arrived for a visit on their way to a shoot in South Georgia...what a wonderful couple days it was...but more on that tomorrow!

You Are...

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Wed, 02 Oct 2013 11:54:00 +0000

I know this video is making its way around the internet but it really spoke to my heart. I thought I would share just in case someone who needed to hear these things missed it.

Nuh uh...not me, Satan.
I am a daughter of the Living God.
Cherished, Loved,
and Adored above all things,
by the Creator of all things,
for the glory of Him who is
Greater than all things.

I. Am. Awesome.

Unzipped...

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Tue, 01 Oct 2013 15:16:00 +0000

So there I was, standing in front of LC's school in nothing but my flesh-colored bra...

Oh wait. I guess I need to back up a little and explain how I got to one of the most embarrassing moments I've had in motherhood - or life - so far. And that's saying something since I manage to unintentionally get myself into awkward situations like its my day job.

Both of my Tuesday clients cancelled their sessions last night so I happily deactivated my alarm before bed and joyously embraced the opportunity to sleep in a little this morning. As things go, I seriously underestimated how long I had dozed after DW left for work and, when I looked at the clock, I quickly determined that I was running behind to get LC ready for "scoo". I flung back the covers and ran to the kitchen to make her/our breakfast and then I went and woke her up. She and I scarfed our breakfast down, I got her dressed and then proceeded to make her lunch that included such staples as raspberries, "am-inal cackers" (animal crackers), cheese, and yogurt melts. Normally I take time to make sure she's getting all the quality food groups and a protein but, no, not this morning. I rapidly packed her school bag and would only later realize I hadn't even remembered to pack my child's sippy cup. Water? Who needs that anyway?

From there, I threw my hair that is at-least-one-day-too-overdue-for-a-wash up in a hat - to be dealt with later - pulled on a pair of jeans and flip flops and then zipped on a track jacket over my bra, not taking the time to put on a shirt because, I thought, I'll be right back and who has time for important details like that when you're running behind anyway. Makeup-less and carrying a child whose hair seriously needed to be brushed, I rushed to the car, buckled LC in and drove to the church where LC attends MDO.

Now, let me back up briefly for a moment here.

Lately, LC has gotten into that stranger-danger phase but also wants to be paid attention to. For instance, if we are at the grocery store and someone is nearby, she will lean into their line of sight, wave, and say "Hiiii...", drawing out the word as we Southerners tend to do. But when they actually turn to look at her, she immediately goes all mute and shy and avoids eye contact. A lot of times, when they start trying to draw her out of her shell, the only thing she can think to tell them is "Mommy" or "My Mama" as she points to me. Almost as if she's reassuring herself that I'm there as well as telling them not to mess with her, I've got her back.

When she's in my arms and this happens, she doesn't usually point at me, I've learned. Instead, she says, "my mama" and proceeds to stick her tiny hand down the middle of my shirt where my cleavage (if I had any) would be. I try to casually remove her hand from down my shirt as I avoid further eye contact with the person. The time this happened while a man was talking with us was SO awkward...but I know what's coming now so I've learned how to avoid that mild embarrassment.

Well, fast forward to the present and LC's newest obsession is zipping. She loves to play with all the zippers on the diaper bag most often and because I'm almost always wearing the same black track jacket in the mornings after work, she regularly zips and unzips my jacket...which isn't a problem when, OH YOU KNOW, you're ACTUALLY WEARING A SHIRT.

Which...I wasn't this morning.

I unload her from the car, adjust my hat so that's its covering the maximum amount of face and hair possible without looking like I think I'm some hood rat, and then grab her school bag in my free hand. Since she was in my left arm and her bag was in my right hand, this left me vulnerable and it's as if her little mind sensed that very fact and beckoned her...

...now is the time to make your move, my child...

And she did. Just as I take that last stair to the entrance of the school and make eye contact to smile at the sweet, well-put together administrator that helped us enroll, it happens.

ZIP. Or shall I say, UN-ZIP. Because, why yes, that would be a much more accurate detailing of events.

Immediately, I know exactly what happened but I jerk my head down in mortification to confirm it anyway. Indeed, the fastest unzipping in the ~~West~~ South had just happened and I knew this beyond a shadow of a doubt when I felt the cool fall breeze hit my suddenly exposed chest.

My smile faltered and the Church Administer's perfectly made-up face only faltered momentarily before she politely averted her eyes, pretending not to notice what had just happened.

Only who could miss that my jacket was unzipped down to my belly button OR the fact that, there I was, standing there in front of the entrance to the school with both hands full and my unattractive, flesh-colored, ill-fitting and OB.vi.OUSLY padded bra exposed?!?!

I dropped LC's school bag like it was on fire, managed to zip my jacket back up at lightning speed...all the while cursing myself for not thinking that one all the way through.

If it were a movie, I caught myself thinking, this would have only happened to that mother with the perfect C cups in a stylishly lacy bra that matches her designer shirt. This would NOT have happened to the mother who is barely out of bed, pads herself every morning because she has the upper body of a 12 year old boy and was wearing gym clothes.

My face burned as I continued into the building, dropped LC off and returned to my car, smiling at the adminstrator who, on my way out, said in a sing-song voice, "Well, have a nice day..."

And that, my friends, is how my day started. How about yours?

Of Course...

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Fri, 27 Sep 2013 14:21:00 +0000

LC has turned into a verbal parrot these days and its stressing me out a little. I've caught myself saying "oh crap" or just other little things that aren't bad but I also don't like the idea of them coming out of my sub-two year old little girl's mouth. Let's just say it's making me slow down and think before I speak a lot more.

Yesterday, I went into the store to get some Scotchguard to put on her Fall/Winter shoes and I grabbed a $5 bill out of my wallet. Surely that will cover it, I think. I just wanted to run inside for that one thing real quick and didn't want to schlep my child and the diaper bag along when it was just an in and out thing. When we get inside, the household cleaning items are in the far back of the store so I trek all the way back there only to realize the price was $5.33 and my $5 bill, obviously, wasn't gonna cut it.

"OF course..." I mutter to myself out loud.

"UH COYse..." I hear LC parrot back to me, smiling.

I couldn't help but laugh at her baby Boston accent and she repeats, UH COYse...UH COYse...all the way out to the car and back and then on and on for most of the afternoon. I guess, for whatever reason, she liked the sound of it.

And what was one of the first things out of her mouth this morning?

But UH COYse.

No Keesh.

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Thu, 26 Sep 2013 14:09:00 +0000

One of the things that we've been working on with LC is not to have a total meltdown when something doesn't go her way. Granted, part of it is that we are just at "that age" but I know a lot of her frustration comes from having a will/opinion now that she can't seem to communicate accurately. For instance, yesterday for lunch I put chicken on her plate and she's gotten to the point where she doesn't want to eat chicken without ketchup (thanks, Dad!). In fact, if I'd let her, I'm pretty sure the child would drink ketchup, a quality I totally understand because I love the stuff.

When I handed her the plate of food, she started saying, "Catchu? Catchu?" and I had absolutely NO idea what she was trying to say initially.

Chicken? I asked, trying to decipher the message.

Her eyebrows furrowed in frustration and in her sing-song voice, she said, "Noooo!"

Cheese? I try again.

Grunt and whine combo followed by another emphatic "No!"

Catchu? she says again, as if I should understand simply because she repeated the word.

Finally, it dawned on me. Ketchup? I asked and I knew the second her eyes lit up that I'd cracked the code.

Catchu! she exclaimed again, as if CLEARLY that was what she had been saying all along.

How frustrating... I caught myself thinking. No wonder toddlers spend the better part of their twos and threes in tears. If you had the mind to know what you wanted but lacked the verbal capacity to speak it or, in many instances, lack the physical ability to either do it for yourself or be reasoned with about why your choice isn't making sense...ummmmm, yea. I'd be really, really frustrated myself.

In fact, Mother-of-the-Year here finds that I get frustrated sometimes with LC for wanting something so strongly but I lack the super-sleuth ability to figure it out. It's hard both ways...to not be able to speak your wants but also to not understand what's wanted. I can see why the toddler years are painful for both sides now.

Motherhood, I'm finding, should come with extra credit job titles. Like, forget telling people I'm a Mom. Instead, I'm going to put on my resume, when the time comes, that I've most recently had the role of Language Interpreter, Private Detective (where IS that stinkin paci?), Mental Healthcare Provider, Travel Coordinator, Conflict Resolutioner and Communications Director.

I'm a little ashamed to admit this but I was talking to my mom the other day on the phone and I was explaining to her about how LC could be playing and smiling at me one second and then the very next second might look at me and suddenly burst into tears of frustration. The mood swings happen so fast and seem so extreme lately it can make my head spin.

"It's way too early to diagnose mental illness, isn't it?" I asked her. I'm not making a joke at the expense of those who have struggled with or have family who struggles with mental illness. I really meant it. There are moments when having a toddler feels like that. Yes, honey, it's way too early...she replied. That's called, being a toddler. I mean, I know that...but...

I severely underestimated Motherhood as a job. I used to think that it would be like taking time off from the stressful workforce to smell the roses with some perfect sidekick/fashion accessory. BAHhahahaha! is all I have to say about that.

I'm not elevating my status of being a full-time mom over working mothers because I honestly have no idea how they keep all those balls in the air. But what I am trying to say is that motherhood itself, is surprisingly hard in its own, unexpected way for me personally. Every morning now, I wake up to a new job, a new challenge, new expectations but also, blessedly, new joys and discoveries.

Beyond the meltdowns caused from our communication misfires, I find myself laughing at the things that LC can communicate now. Recently, I've been trying to tell her how to express when she does or doesn't want something.

Do you want such-and-such? I ask

To which LC replies with grunting or whining.

Ok, no whining. I say... If you want it you need to use your words and tell Mommy "Yes, please..."

Yessssh...she will reply, adding an adorable "sh" sound on the end of the word.

Please? I say. Use your manners.

Yessssh, PEAS. she replies and I hand over whatever we might be talking about, praising for her use of manners.

No thank you, however, is much harder. Why use words when crying or throwing yourself on the floor gets the point across one little person might ask?

But yesterday afternoon, we had a "click" moment. I was holding LC at her request as we were leaving the gym and I said to her, "Can Mommy have a kiss?" Her forehead immediately pinched and she started whining, making it obvious that idea didn't sound like something she was interested in.

Ok, I reply, you don't have to give Mommy a kiss but you can't whine about it. Just say, "No, thank you..."

No! she says and then signs "Thank you".

Close, I think. I'll take it...and so I didn't press her again for affection.

Later, as I was hanging LC's laundry in her bedroom, I could overhear DW talking to her in the kitchen.

Can Daddy have a kiss? I hear him ask.

No! LC replies and I have to admit I caught myself laughing when I heard him respond with:

Please? Can Daddy have a kiss, please? Guess he thought "using his manners" might score him one.

No! LC replies again.

And then she added for good measure:

NO. KEE-sh.

DW started laughing. "Did you hear that?" he calls to me from the kitchen.

What? I say, wanting to hear it from him because I wasn't sure I heard the whole thing.

Sure enough, LC had said to him: No kiss.

We laughed together pretty hard about it, as we do many things LC says or does lately. But it's also weird to realize the process of "letting go" really started the day she came into our lives. Our job, I'm realizing, is more than teaching her and loving her. It's about preparing her. This is just the beginning of LC finding her own way in life and the wanting us less and less has begun.

Good thing I have about 16.4 more years to get used to that idea.

Little Big

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Wed, 25 Sep 2013 17:46:00 +0000

LC is at that stage where her mind is getting so "big" even though her body is still little. It's hilarious watching her brain work and she is surprising me every day with new things she has quietly picked up on and now is trying to implement.

For instance, recently she grabbed my car keys, opened our back door, and said, "Bye, bye...Go!" as she exited the building. Clearly I took the hint and we made a trip to the park to end the monotony. That girl is like her mama...gets bored when we sit still too long.

Some other LC-isms I don't want to forget...

- We taught her to say please when she wants something and "use her manners". As I was driving this morning, I couldn't reach what she wanted and told her, even after she said "please" that she had to wait just a minute. She didn't like my answer and started crying and dramatically screaming, PEAS! MAN-WERS, PEAS! at the top of her lungs. I was half laughing, half feeling bad because there is no way I can explain to her that "please" doesn't mean you'll get everything you want.

- She's fallen in love, to my dismay, with a boy at the gym named Connor and I have to hear the name "Con-no" ALL DAY long. On the other hand, it's nice to have some accountability to get to the gym...it's the only way I can make it stop. It's also amazing how many forms the name Connor can take.

Con.NO. (as in, I'm thinking about him)

Con-NO? (as in, is it that time yet/am I going to get to see him today?)

CON-NO. (as in, I want to see him RIGHT NOW)

COOOOOOONNNNNOOOOO (this version happened the other day when she got in trouble. Apparently, she thought he might come rescue her from the corner).

Pay. Con-no? Pay? (Can we go play with Connor?)

I officially want to ban that name in my house although I adore him and how sweet he is to my daughter.

- I told LC to do something and she looked at me, raised her eyebrows, and stated, "Peas." It occurred to me that she was right, I hadn't asked using my manners and she let me know. There was absolutely NO question she was correcting me.

- Speaking of correcting, one of her most-used phrases right now is "No! No! Ully! WEAVE it!" Translation: No-no, Sully, leave it!" Guess she does hear that phrase pretty often these days. It's harder than I imagined to teach a dog the difference between their toys and baby toys! We are getting there.

- ME: LC, you better hold your horses. LC: Neeeeigh!

- The other day I was sitting on the floor and Sully had her head in my lap. LC noticed and got jealous so she came over saying "My MAH-me" and tried to sit down in my lap. I laughed as I watched Sully swat her away repeatedly with her paw, not allowing LC to take over the attention and I didn't stop it because I think its good she has to share. All of the sudden, LC takes off running out of the room and it gets too quiet (always a sure sign of trouble) so I call out her name and say, "What are you doing? Come here..." Next thing I know, she races back around the corner, Sully's chew bone in her hand. She holds it up to show Sully and gives it a little toss. As soon as Sully popped and raced off after it, she smiled a HUGE smile and backed up into my lap. Score one for LC. I won't lie...I was impressed.

- And finally, the letters...she's gotten a lot better since this video but it's the only one I've taken so far. She can now recognize and speak every letter except R, V, W, & Z without help. Kinda cool...just can't believe she's already old enough to do this!

Pretty In Pink...

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Wed, 18 Sep 2013 15:11:00 +0000

When I was growing up, I always thought I would have boys. I grew up with my brother and boy cousins, my best friends were usually boys and DW's family is also heavily dominated by the male gender. So I just thought that it would "make sense" that I would raise boys. Which, I figured, meant God would most likely give me a girl. During my long journey through infertility, I kept accumulating items for my "hope chest" and, inevitably, the things that I felt drawn to were always - to my surprise and semi disbelief - girl things. Boy things just never felt "right" for some reason despite what I'd always expected.

Several times, over the years, I even had a dream about our family and, in those dreams, it always included a little girl. Interestingly enough, I only ever saw one child in my dreams so I don't know if that means we will only have one or if that was just all I needed to see at that time in my life to keep hoping. Incidentally, I'm 100% happy if LC is our only child despite all arguments I regularly hear about how she "needs" siblings.

More and more I realize that God didn't look at my life and decide, "She will struggle with raising a little girl so that's exactly what I'll give her..." No, I'm finding my expectation - or understanding - of Him was skewed.

I've realized the real truth is two-fold: (1) I often choose the most comfortable path for myself in my planning and (2) He doesn't send things that I find difficult my way because He's mean or ugly or even just wants to see how I'll handle it. Having a daughter has shown me that He gives me these things...these sometimes challenging things...because He loves me and He knows exactly what I need.

There isn't a day that goes by where I don't either (physically or mentally at some point) have to get on my knees to have to ask for His guidance...nor is there a day that passes where I don't - despite the frustration, fatigue, and frequent feelings of failure - also find myself praising Him for this gift He has given.

In all honestly, just like I thought I find raising a girl confusing and often challenging...because, oh lawdy, the emotions...but I also find it to be the most life-altering, fun, fulfilling responsibility God has ever given me. I look at LC and I see His goodness and His grace...but mostly, I see His sovereignty. He knew that I would have felt blessed with boys but I recognize now that He even cares about the order of our life experiences. First or only, LC was my God-given destiny. She had to get here in order for more of the puzzle pieces of my life to fall into place.

I know as sure as I'm sitting here blogging while my baby girl is sitting on the couch, flipping through her book quietly (by some miracle) that there was a specific time when God would finally answer all of my questions. And I also recognize now in hindsight there was a specific calling for a specific little girl...and if my God is anything, He's specifically about our greatest good and His greatest glory. No matter what present circumstances did - or might one day - try to tell us to the contrary.

Lord, all I can say, is that You have really outdone yourself this time. My cup truly runneth over.

Blue Devils...

noreply@blogger.com (amy (metz) walker) — Mon, 16 Sep 2013 13:48:00 +0000

DW and I have been talking about taking LC to one of his hometown's high school football games for a while now to see how she does and Friday night was the night. As it turned out, the Stones were going so LC's best buddy Zachary was going to be there as well.

The two of them spent 90% of the game side by side intently watching the game.

LC only showed her 'tude when Zachary shook his shaker too close to her face...

And if you've ever seen the movie Sweet Home Alabama, could it not be more perfect that this guy showed up to sit watch a little Friday Night Football?! I love it.

Clearly, Zachary agreed with me...

He seriously slays me with how cute he is. I always tell Amber he's so cute he looks like a little cartoon.

It couldn't have been a more perfect night...we found a spot in the stands that wasn't too crowded, the weather was cool and, as it turns out, LC loves her some football. She kept clapping and yelling YAAAAAAY!!!! every play. Now we just have to work on cheering for the right team.

When they finally got too bored to sit, Amber and I took them for a lap around the field and LC was determined to hold Z's hand. At moments like this, I have visions of an arranged marriage.

Although, Amber and I have discussed that if we end up wanting Zachary and LC to get married, we will have to pretend that we don't want them to at some point...maybe like the teenage years. I figure all we have to do is suggest that we really don't want them to date one another and it's probably a sure thing they will. ;-)

Until then, we can just keep adding pics to the "potential future wedding video" file.