GoFugYourself

Sophie Fuglkiner

2009-11-10T22:17:51Z

This is Sophie Falkiner. The best I can figure it out, she is an Australian model who plays the Vanna White role on the Australian Wheel of Fortune. (For some reason, I assumed Vanna White was Vanna White in every Wheel of Fortune EVER, although that is obviously not possible due to the rules of time and space, so this blows my mind.)

In keeping with that, I have a puzzle for her:

W_F ARE Y_U WEARI_G? _H H_ _ EY, _O.

Can't Fug the Moonlight

2009-11-10T21:54:33Z

Somewhere in the enclaves of Malibu, Eddie Cibrian's ex-wife is looking at this picture and composing an enraged statement about it on her Blackberry, to be sent to US Weekly at her earliest convenience (aka, as soon as she finishes writing it).

It surely says something along the lines of, "I can't BELIEVE LeAnn would wear those incredibly hideous tights when she knows that I have those same hideous tights myself. She's obviously stalking me and I plan to file for another restraining order. By the way, did I ever mention that Eddie has three nipples. HE DOES. HE DESERVES THAT THIRD NIPPLE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT'S THE MARK OF THE DEVIL. THE CHEATING DEVIL! BURN HIM! BURN HER! BURN THEM ALL! BURN THE WITCHES!!!!!!!!!!! AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE."

(I mean, the tights ARE seriously bad -- especially with LeAnn's hideous open-toed clodhoppers -- but really I'm just relieved to have found myself an opportunity to point out that Ex-Mrs Cibrian truly has released more angry statements to the press about her failed marriage than any wronged woman, ever. I mean, I feel you, girl. Infidelity is as ugly as that outfit. And these two have been irritatingly and publicly smug. But what I'm really trying to say is that revenge is a dish best served cold and IN NEAR SILENCE. When they both awake to find their shampoo has been replaced by Nair and their body lotion with self-tanner, you need PLAUSIBLE DENIABLITY. You know what I mean? Ahem.)

The House Fugly

2009-11-10T20:49:52Z

Can I just reiterate how much I hate Katharine McPhee with the short, blonde hair?

She looks like she's playing one of the Dixie Chicks in a Lifetime movie.

Fug Moon/Better Played, Kristen Stewart

2009-11-10T20:08:19Z

ROBERT PATTINSON: Come on, everyone. I DARE YOU.

KRISTEN STEWART: Dare them to what? Ask if we're sleeping together?

TAYLOR LAUTNER: Oh, please God, no. I so don't care if you're sleeping together.

K.STEW: Right? BORING. I'm not even interested in whether we're sleeping together, at this point.

R.PATTZ: I'm so bored of us that my boredom comes back around to being arousal.

K.STEW: Ew. Not mine.

R.PATTZ: No?

K.STEW: LOOK AT YOU. I am not sleeping with you again, by which I mean for the first time, until you shower and shave.

TAYLOR: THANK YOU. It had to be said.

R.PATTZ: Well, I'm not sleeping with YOU ever again, or for the first time, until you go back to wearing Converse and tight jeans and not brushing your hair. You look like you're playing dress-up in Zoe Saldana's closet.

K.STEW: I think I look nice. And clean. And event-appropriate. AND CLEAN.

R.PATTZ: No no, I like my girls to look troubled and ill-rested and as though they're still coated in the sweat from our fervent horizontal joyride. You know, like me.

TAYLOR: SERIOUSLY. PLEASE STOP SENDING ME TO THESE THINGS WITHOUT DAKOTA FANNING. I AM NOT JOKING.

Fug or Fab: Rihanna/Take A Fug

2009-11-10T19:22:43Z

There apparently is part of me that's JUST OCD enough that I see Rihanna's dress dragging on pavement, and I think, "AAAH. It's going to be DIRTY and RUINED."

[Photos: Splash News]

It would be a shame to have this thing pocked with brown spots before it even makes it inside the Glamour Woman of the Year awards. Part of me is in love with the crazy architecture. But another part of me thinks it looks like dramatically wayward office clutter -- a Seussian filing nightmare. And what is the point of that pocket? It's so tight and tiny, you can't actually keep anything in there unless you want everyone to see what it is. Okay, MAYBE a couple bucks for the bathroom attendant. But if you want to keep your lip gloss there, everyone is going to think you have a strange cylindrical pelvic tumor.

So I can't decide: fab drama, or fugtastic Alice-style adventure through the bottom of a bourbon glass on the Mad Hatter's desk?

I am much more clear on my feelings about another recent RiRi gown:

I WANT to think it's pretty and graceful. But all I can see when I look at it is fabric glued to a Land's End maillot, as if this week's Project Runway challenge was to design a glamorous beach cover-up for Tinkerbell's seaside birthday party. Actually, given the quality of most of the challenges this season, I wouldn't be at all surprised if that turned up in the finale somewhere. Newly crabby Heidi would be all, "I HATE IT. IT LOOKS LIKE RAM'S HORNS ON HER BELLY," and Michael Kors would be like, "If it got wet, it'd be so heavy she'd DROWN. And Where do Tink's WINGS GO?" and if Nina Garcia is even there, she'd say something about construction or practicality, and then the usually useless guest judge would be all, "You have definitely made something." And I think I agree most with Usually Useless Guest Judge: Somebody definitely made... something... here.

Freaky Fug Friday: Voting Extension

2009-11-10T18:51:56Z

Wow, this is the closest fug contest we've had yet: The leading reader song parody is only ahead by ten percent, and the others are all within one or two of each other. Since the post went up relatively late yesterday, we're going to keep voting open another day. So hop along to this post right here and revisit the brilliant parodies -- two "I Kissed A Girl" rewrites, a Perry Como song, and the "Super Bowl Shuffle" starring William "The Refrigerator" Perry -- and rock the poll with your opinion. The winner will be announced tomorrow.

Who Fugged It More: Mary Alice Stephenson or Katherine Heigl

2009-11-10T18:21:43Z

Remember the time Katherine Heigl wore this? And we all chatted about it at length and it was so fun?

Well, except maybe for Katie. Whatever, she can go cry on a pile of cash and then go kick Dempsey in the shins, or whatever she does when she's feeling persecuted. ANYWAY, someone's trotted that old girl out again. I'd pretend it was a MYSTERY who, but her name's in the title up there. See?

WHO? You ask. Fair enough: Mary Alice Stephenson once hosted America's Most Smartest Model on VH-1, and has been a stylist and works at Harper's Bazaar. (From what I can tell, anyway. MAS also seems to suffer from the lack of a Wikipedia page, an affliction which deserves a name: let's call it UnWikipedizedmysitisis.)

MAS has 86ed the belt. Which I think was the right decision. Wait. No, I don't. Wait, yes I do. Wait. Maybe she just needed a different belt. Wait. Maybe no belt. Wait. God. I don't KNOW. Clearly, I need your advice: vote it up, and comments ahoy.

poll by twiigs.com

Fug House

2009-11-10T17:17:01Z

Aw, how sweet:

Bob Saget and that pretty girl in the awesome coat took dragged that poor conjunctivitis-afflicted grandma out to a party. What a tale she'll have to tell the rest of the ladies at the home!

20fug2

2009-11-10T16:17:05Z

I have a lot to say about 2012. For one thing, when I saw the preview, it literally took me like the entire duration to realize that it was actually starring John Cusack and not Nicolas Cage. That movie SHOULD be starring Nic Cage, and goodness knows poor Nic could use the cash. (Those shrunken, possibly human heads don't buy themselves.) The other thing is, I wish I could have been in the meetings where they discussed which iconic American landmarks should crash into each other. "I know! The White House can crash into the Grand Canyon!" "That makes no sense, you FOOL. The Washington Monument should impale the Hollywood sign!" "That's RIDICULOUS! The Lincoln Memorial should smash into the Bellagio!" "Don't be INSANE. Mount Rushmore should crack over the Statue of Liberty's head!" What I'm saying is, the movie looks like lunacy, but it might secretly be terrible, unrealistic, scenery-chewing fun: after all, no one laughed harder or enjoyed herself more at Poseidon than did I. Anyway, the role of The Girl in this movie -- often taken by Emmy Rossum, as in the aforementioned Poseidon, and of course in Run! It's the Weather (aka, Day After Tomorrow) -- is being played by Amanda Peet, who for some reason has, thus far, appeared at both premieres wearing white. Either she's feeling real virginal lately or someone just learned about the magical powers of bleach. Behold:

I mean, this is pretty. A bit boring and she kind of looks like an under-styled debutante but it's inoffensive at worst. I also enjoy that the car on display at this event has been styled to look as though it crashed through the wall. DRUNK-DRIVING WILL BE RAMPANT IN 2012!!!

Being drunk might also explain THIS:

Okay, allow me to be nice, first: her hair is so shiny and bouncy. And I suspect that if you remove those tights, the shoes are to die. But this leaves the question: why is she wearing a child's eyelet pinafore? Is there some kind of Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm subplot to this movie of which I am unaware, due to how distracted I was during the preview by the image of the St Louis Arch smashing into the Rose Bowl, and the Sears Tower careening into a Mardi Gras parade? Because if so, someone needs to rethink their marketing plan, and if not, someone needs to change.

Freaky Fug Friday: Voting Editon

2009-11-09T22:07:50Z

Yet another Freaky Fug Friday contest in which you all out-did yourselves. This week, the challenge was to take the picture of Ms Katy Perry below, and fug it in song. The catch? Whatever song you used had to be performed by Katy Perry, or any other Perry of note: Joe Perry, Steve Perry, etc.

Once again, it was crazy hard to choose our top options here, for REAL. Yet, those hard choices were made. PLEASE TO VOTE ON:

OPTION ONE, by Minutiae:

To the tune of the Chicago Bears' "Super Bowl Shuffle," featuring William "The Refrigerator" Perry:

Katy's queen of the Fugly Crew
Wearing swiss cheese just for you
This new one sure is intense
Blowing our minds with her fashion nonsense
We sure do like to snark on her
It's nice she provides such great fodder
She ain't here to start no trouble
She's just here to wear a moon crater ruffle

Her name is Katy
A rookie she's not
We see her on GFY a lot
She's worn muppets and rubber pants
And fuzzy dice on stage to dance
She has more tricks for us to view
A holey dress in a pumpkin hue
She ain't here to start no trouble
She's just here to wear a moon crater ruffle

OPTION TWO, by Sally Racket

Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" as Performed by Her Dress (Or, A Postmodern Cautionary Tale About the Potential Misunderstandings Engendered by Gaping Holes)

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so [ ], drink in hand
Lost my [ ]
It's not what I'm used to
Just wanna [ ] you [ ]
I'm [ ] for you
Caught my [ ]
I kissed a [ ] and I liked it

OPTION THREE: by Poltergasm

To the tune of Perry Como's "Accentuate the Positive"

"I've gotta accentuate the insanity
Cuddle close to tulle inanity
Russell Brand's my new calamity
I've got the good sense of a lima bean."

"I spread my joy WAY up to the maximum
Poppin' holes WAY up to my stern-i-um
Look close: see my vag-I-n-ium
Soon Russ'll have me having up fourteen"
{ed note: While he's the only guy upon the scene.
Sorry.}

("To illustrate my last remark
My Bible-toting parents spark,
Occasionally they even BARK, but
What did they do
Just when everything looked so dark?")

Man, they said we better
Accentuate salmon-effluvia
Plaster on the drip-mascaria
Chop holes from centrifug-ia
& Let her mess w/ always In-Between
Mess w/ Mister Meat who's In-Between
Chick on chick on chick, some not quite keen.
Genetics responsible for lima bean.
They learned from kissing girls
they wouldnt scream.
Just cut her clothes
til scarcely they'll be seen.

OPTION FOUR, by T Shadix

"I Kissed A Girl/Missed the Wall"

This guy at Sears whose name was Stan
Sold me a Craftsman
I got so drunk, drill in hand
Lost my direction
It's not what, I aimed for
Just wanna hang a pic
I'm feeling blue 'cause I've
Drilled through my small intestine

I missed the wall and I'd like it
If you could call a medic
I missed the wall and my thigh's hit
I hope Sears will refund it
It felt so wrong
To drill so quite
Close to my innards tonight
I missed the wall, ow my right hip
My right hip

[With a special shout-out to Marjan, who wrote:

"Could that skirt BE any cheesier?"

- by Chandler Bing, aka Ms Chanandler Bong, aka Matthew PERRY.

(Not technically a song and therefore ineligible for voting, but: funny. I can't resist a Chandler Bing reference)]

poll by twiigs.com

The Invisible Fug

2009-11-09T21:09:28Z

Last Thursday, GFY Icon of Irreverence Tilda "SWINTON" Swinton turned 49. We celebrated by stapling curtains around our bodies and then drinking champagne out of our highest stilettos -- the former because, let's face it, sometimes that's what SWINTON's outfits look like, and the latter just because it seemed like fun and Intern George hadn't washed our champagne flutes in a few days.

SWINTON evidently feted the day by taking a lesson from Lindsay Lohan on makeup application:

[Photo: WENN.com]

Between the orange foundation and the intense eye brightener, her face looks like a creamsicle. Which is doubly jarring because I believe she's wearing an undertaker's sofa.

I love you, SWINTON. Never change. Happy belated birthday.

Real Housefugs of New York

2009-11-09T20:11:59Z

Have I totally lost the plot, or is Kelly Bensimon walking down the street wearing her bath mat?

I'm serious. And this is honestly not even that surprising. Having watched many an episode of every Real Housewife franchise -- because I have no shame -- I can truthfully testify that Kelly Bensimon DOES seem to be the sort of person who might look down at her bathroom floor and think, "THIS. I'm going to wear THIS." I mean, she also jogs down 5th Avenue. THE STREET SECTION. NOT THE SIDEWALK. Wearing a bath mat probably seems neither bizarre nor questionable to the mind who doesn't see anything weird about forcing traffic to follow her at low speeds while she trots through the streets of New York. We should probably be glad it isn't her shower curtain.

Kenzie Fugton

2009-11-09T19:22:53Z

[Photos: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY: Kenzie. Don't look up. Stare at the ground.

KENZIE DALTON: Why, Chad?

CHAD MM: Because.

KENZIE: That's a bad reason. If I stare at the ground, no one will see my face, and then I'll never get in Us Weekly and our whole mystifying 4-year engagement will be for NAUGHT.

CMM: Look, everyone already thinks I'm a douche, okay? I just don't want them to think I am in any way associated with those pants. Or that refried Carrie Bradshaw flower on your coat.

KENZIE: You're being annoying. Am I old enough to drink yet? Because I need one.

CMMMMMMMMM: Just hurry, okay, before anyone recognizes us.

KENZIE: No, Chad. Stop. You're denying America your special gift. Do you really want to skulk anonymously through the night, just because it looks like a small child ran with scissors directly at my pants? Do you? Is THAT the kind of man I'm marrying?

CM-SQUARED: Well, but we're never ACTUALLY getting married, are we?

KENZIE: LOOK UP AND DO WHAT YOU WERE BORN TO DO, or else I will wear these pants every day.

C-DOUBLE-M: FINE. I'll do it.

KENZIE: YES. That's more like it. Which squint is that one? Shock? Awe? The pain of love lost? The satisfaction of seeing a dog eat your father's heart?

C-TO-THE-2M: It's "Oh my GOD, my fiancee really wants to leave the house in that outfit."

KENZIE: God, you're talented.

C-EMINEM: I know, baby. Now let's get out of here before anyone else sees you.

Fug and Grace

2009-11-09T18:26:59Z

I really miss that terrible show Debra Messing was on last year. You remember. Judy Davis was using it to pay the rent. Vampire Bill was on it when it was a mini-series, as Debra's boyfriend, who happened to be both homeless AND a murderer but still was supposed to be seen as a legitimate catch, like I know it's hard to be single in Los Angeles but come on. And he was truly terrible, so bad that I think he must thank God every day that he landed on True Blood, where his slightly wooden affect works well for his uptight-yet-largely-nude vampire character. I can't remember what it was called, but I miss it, and clearly Debra has sunk into a deep depression regarding its cancellation, because what else could possibly explain...any of this?

I mean, a secret pregnancy would explain the cut of the dress. But nothing save for depression/head injury/a misguided attempt to switch to lo-flow shower heads could possibly explain the styling. Sugarplum, ain't no shame in throwing up your hands and just wearing a ponytail. You feel me?

Fug or Fab or Unfug: Freida Pinto

2009-11-09T17:29:06Z

Well, from the neck up Freida Pinto is as gorgeous as ever.

From the neck down, I'm less sure. I love the shoes. And the bag. And the fouffiness of the skirt ("fouffiness" being a technical fashion term). It makes me want to twirl around. But I kind of wish the under-dress were black, too, because something about the beige reminds me of Spanx. And Spanx reminds me of being unable to breathe. And then I start to hyperventilate and I want to lie down.

What do you think? Tell me while I look for my inhaler.

poll by twiigs.com