Did you know your name has the word “zoo” in it? you probably do cos you’ve had it for all your life but I just noticed and it surprised me. Do you like Zoos? If you had to choose one bestest animal what would it be? Mine would be my Cat Deeley. She’s totally lovely and I have growed her from a kitten.

You have appeared in a lot of the fillums I have watched recently like Elf and Gigantic both of which were good films, I mostly like elf cos of the funny in it and the Christmas. I’m a right sucker for Christmas, I love the lights and the cold stuff. I also like the “Baby it’s cold outside” song.

have you ever been to engerland? or france? or more to the point the crossed the channel betwix the two? in germany i think they might call the channel “des chanel” which would be your name . OOoo oo o oo I have an awesome idea. Work with me on this. A zoo. on/in the channel. and it would be the zooey deschanel?!! i mean the marketing practically writes itself!

More to the point would you be able to send me a signed photo for my celebritney signed photo collection? I’ve got loads now but yours would be a welcomes addition.

I thank you muchly.
Stevey De La Shawy

I have seen in the news recently that Vernon Kay has been sending in appropriate texts to some girls or something. Now can I just say I could of told you years ago he was a complete douche, I mean seriously, what are you doing with that fool? You know if you look on facebook it turns out that Vernon Kay = Douche. Now that formula, no matter how you look at it is flawless. There’s no room for error in that algebra.

I would appreciate it if you could send me a signed photo, you see I write to celebritneys and ask them for some, I asked dame judy dench and she totally sent me one and also Fergie from the Black Eyed Pees, who i think has now got a royal seal of approval cos she was calling herself dutchess of yourk or something. But it would be ace to get a photo of your lovely face without that no good for nothing smelly vernon. ( I bet he smells like sweat or something cos he’s a right mucker.)

Anywhays can you send me a signed photo cos I think you are nice and deserve better than that crazy fool.

speak to you soon
steve

i think your song tick tock was gr£at, it was a r£lly good pop song with loads of v£ry int£r£sting things in it. do you actually brush your t££th with a bottl£ of jack? now would that b£ jack dani£ls or scrumpy jack? both of which i think would b£ a bit gross with minty tooth past£ also I was r£ading on my bottl£ of p£roni that I was £njoying just now whilst watching gl££ i think you should watch out just how much you drink b£caus£ the s£rg£on g£n£ral says its not good for girls to drink that much. What do you think of that Gl££ program? £v£ryon£ mostly says its for th£ gays but i lik£ the £moting in it and the ch££s£y songs, I’m not gay though, nor am I w£ird, m£ntal or on any drugs.

Th£ oth£r day i was chatting to my fri£nd Zaffa and h£ was all like £rr and I was lik£ way, it totally w£nt down lik£ that. th£n he gav£ it th£ blah blah blah, you know th£ kind you did that song about it “your lov£ is my drug” or som£thing lik£ that. If you ar£ £v£r in l££ds th£n drop m£ a lin£ cos w£ can g£t som£ bacon snamich£s or g£t a party start£d as soon as you walk in.

anyhooo. if you could s£nd m£ a sign£d photo that would b£ gr£at. I coll£ct th£m you s££, i got on£ th£ oth£r day from whoopi£ goldb£rg cos I warn£d h£r about patrick swayz£ and sh£ appr£ciat£d th£ advic£.

Ch££rs
St£v£

Dear Craig Charles,

My cousin came up from London Town to visit me at the weekend and was all a flutter because she had found out that a certain Dave Lister would be at The Elbow Room on Saturday night playing some funk and soul, and so even though I was super poorly after drinking too much wine I made it there for 9pm, because that’s the time the flyer said on it. And so we waited for a bit and then it got to 10pm, and we thought ‘ooh he’ll be on now!’ and then at 11pm I remembered reading ‘11pm’ somewhere on the flyer and so we got well excited thinking ‘he’ll be on now, you just wait!’ and then you didn’t come on til after midnight and by then I thought I was going to cry because my hangover paranoia had kicked in and people were looking at me funny, I swear it.

So basically, we danced for about an hour or so and then my feet hurt and my tummy hurt and my head hurt and it smelt a bit of B.O. and everyone else was drunk and even though the music was well funky and that we went home because basically it was way past our bedtime. When we came into town we used our Dayriders and to be honest I was hoping we could use them home but by then we were nearly two hours too late, so thanks for that.

I was going to ask you to reimburse me the £8.20 I had to pay for a taxi thanks to your lateness but instead I’ll accept a signed photo please, thank you.

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight

Dear Myleene Klass,

I have been reading with some horror about the appalling way you were treated by the police. You were simply trying to protect yourself and your family within your own home – surely they can see that? So what if you waved a knife at the ‘intruder’ that you ’saw at your window’? It’s not like you stabbed anyone or drowned a kitten or anything – they should totally just leave you alone.

And so what if it was your agent that leaked the whole story to The Sun? It’s the principle of the thing, isn’t it? Everyone should have the right to bear arms, particularly in their own home. That always makes me think of someone on a market stall shouting ‘Bear arms! Get your bear arms here, two for a fiver, nice and furry!’ which I know is a bit off topic, sorry. Back to you and your terrifying incident.

Isn’t it weird how there are always two sides to every story? Like how the police force have apparently said they didn’t tell you off at all and were all friendly and nice and that and worried for your safety but then they’re probably lying, yeah, stupid rozzers. Can’t trust them as far as you can throw them, can you? Oink oink, etc etc.

If you’re not to traumatised by the whole saga, please send me a signed photograph. Then I can look at your smily face and feel comforted in the knowledge that you’re out there somewhere with your mad knife skills ready to get all the baddies.

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight

Dear Bradley Cooper,

I bought Steve The Hangover extended version on BluRay for Christmas, because there wasn’t an extended version on DVD, which is a more than a bit of a shame, because BluRay is only worth paying the extra for if it’s a proper action film or something requiring super high definition or something, which The Hangover isn’t, although it is dead good and that.

So basically, I paid £19.99 for it, which might not be much to you because you’re a famous film star and earn more than me (I am just an auditor), but it was about £5 more than I’d anticipated paying. Again, while £5 sounds insignificant, that’s five tubs of Morrisons fresh tomato and basil soup, which equates to ten lunches. Puts it into perspective a bit, that, doesn’t it? Ten meals. All because you had to release the better version on BluRay and not DVD.

If I am incorrect and there is a DVD version but it’s actually HMV’s fault for not stocking it, please let me know. In the meantime, I would be most grateful for a cheque (or postal orders) for £5, to reimburse me for my lost lunches, and a signed photograph of your nice face.

Your sincerely,

Lucy Knight