Dear Lisa Khoury,

I just wanted to congratulate you on your recent article, ‘Why put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?’. I think you highlight some really important issues facing women today, like how they should do yoga and join a gym and worry about what people (including their future grandchildren – I hadn’t even considered that before) think of their appearance.

You’re right, it’s vital that men find us attractive and that we don’t do anything to jeopardise that such as getting a tattoo – I can’t think of anything more tacky or less classy. I don’t care whether it’s a tattoo someone’s designed themselves, that means a lot to them, helps them feel comfortable in their own skin, covers a scar they hate, reminds them of a friend or family member, or simply one they had done for fun, it’s disgusting. And they should expect me to judge them, because of course it’s my business, I have to look at them for goodness sake! And even if I don’t, I should be able to assume they’ll regret their decision when they’re older, and make snarky comments accordingly!

Oh Lisa, I’m so grateful that there are people like you in this world, to help keep young women on the right path, namely one without tattoos or self expression of any kind. I really think if we met we’d get on like a house on fire. In fact, maybe you could send me a signed photo so I can put it on my mantelpiece and look at it the next time I feel tempted to head down the tattoo parlour.

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight

Dear Gillian Anderson,

I know you are not a priest but I am writing to you in the form of a confession, in the hope that when you finish reading you might send me a signed photo by way of absolution. Here goes.

Forgive me, Gillian Anderson, for I have sinned. I have never confessed before. I write letters to celebrities to get them to send me signed photos which I publish online, and most of the time I don’t like any of the celebrities I write to.

Sometimes I laugh at jokes about ginger people.

I had the X Files ‘X’ tattooed onto the back of my neck and I still wear my hair down around my parents so they don’t find out. I am 31.

I was given the X Files box-set on DVD for Christmas the year before last and now every January I watch at least one episode a day until they’re all finished. Last year it took me four months.

I have a David Duchovny action figure doll on my Amazon wishlist.

I didn’t like the 2nd X Files film.

I wrote this letter at work after my lunch break had finished.

That’s as much as I think I ought to confess right now. If I need to say any hail marys or anything you can let me know when you send me the photo.

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight

Dear Lisa Faulkner,

My friend Ste asked me to write to you on account of he fancies you. When he said to me, “Lucy, write to that Lisa Faulkner” I was all like, “Lisa who?” and he was like, “that fit one in Spooks who got shot and does that cookery show with the footballer on Channel 5.” And then I Googled you and realised you’re her off of Holby City and the one who won Celebrity Masterchef that time!

You’ll probably know me from Saturday Kitchen (April 2007) and Rachel Allen’s Bake! (October 2008). I’m thinking of giving Come Dine with Me a go now it’s just 4 people instead of 5 because I didn’t used to have enough chairs. I will keep you posted.

Anyway, if you could send me a signed photo for Ste, that would be great. He is from Darlo, home of the famous Parmo, so you might want to cook that on your programme some time.

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight

Dear Hugh Dancy,

I recently watched your film Adam where you play a man with Asperger’s Syndrome, which was quite a coincidence because two days earlier I watched a South Park episode where Stan was diagnosed as having Asperger’s but Cartman thinks it’s called AssBurgers and starts his own burger chain.

Anyway, I really liked your film, so I googled you and found out another coincidence which is that you’re from Stoke on Trent, and Steve is from Stoke on Trent too! Wait, there are even more coincidences to come! Stoke on Trent was the subject of a documentary on BBC4 on Monday night! It was actually very interesting, about Josiah Wedgwood and the rise and fall of the pottery industry, and as a result I found out that Steve’s granddad was a Saggarmaker’s Bottom-knocker at one of the potteries. What was your granddad? One of mine was a postman, and the other worked at Mars (the chocolate one, not the planet, although that would have been another coincidence because you like planets in that film). Which brings me to my final coincidence, because on Wikipedia it says that you are going out with Claire Danes, and she plays a star in Stardust, and Adam also loves stars!

I’m sure you’ll agree that that’s quite a lot of coincidences and/or very tenuous links, and so by way of acknowledgment of my efforts it would probably be appropriate for you to send me a signed photo please.

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight

Dear Geo Comparo,

I am writing to let you know about my newfound regard for opera. I thought it was just about fat people (no offense) singing foreign songs but I was so wrong! Some of them aren’t fat and sometimes they sing in English, like on your adverts. I have just bought Puccini’s Madama Butterfly on CD and while it’s no JLS, it’s still good. So I was wondering whether you might be able to send me a signed photo. I don’t know any other British opera singers apart from Rhydian and I find his hair disturbing.

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight

Dear Chris O’Dowd,

I saw you the other day in Bridesmaids and thought you were brilliant! When did you suddenly get hot?! That was a new one on me, anyway. One minute you’re this geeky IT guy (no offense, some of my best friends are geeky IT guys), and then you’re in a Richard Curtis film and then WHAM you’re in a properHollywoodblockbuster as the sexy love interest! What the I don’t even.

I read on wikipedia that you are fromIreland. My Grannie was from Newry which is mostlyNorthern Irelandbut who really distinguishes between the two nowadays anyway? I am a big fan ofIrelandas it brought us potatoes, Father Ted, and Dunnes Stores. I also read that you are Dawn Porter’s boyfriend and that pretty much cements the fact that you are a pin up as she is proper fit. Not that I’m suggesting you’re punching above your weight or anything, but you’ve done well there.

Maybe you could send me a signed photograph so I can show everyone how handsome you really are. Thanks.

Yours sincerely,

Dear William Shatner,

I am writing to wish you a happy belated birthday as I understand you turned 80 this year. Congratulations! May I say that you are looking very well for your age. I can tell the force is strong with you. In fact, I wouldn’t normally consider bumping uglies with an old person but for you I would make an exception. Although my friend Ste informs me that you wear a toupé, and that might count against you. Embrace your baldness William! There are some very handsome and powerful bald men out there you know. Just look at Duncan Goodhue!

I am also writing because I am a bit of a sci-fi geek and it would really make my day if you could send me a signed photo of you and your lightsaber.

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight

Dear David Schwimmer,

I am writing to let you know that my friend Sanjay is the spitting image of you. He was once voted Best Looking Asian in Bradford Revolution so that’s quite a compliment! A lot of people comment that he could play Ross from Friends in a Bollywood production, so I was wondering if, with your connections and directorial experience, this might be something you could look into? I am happy to act as his agent so feel free to pass the details to me initially.

Also, if you could send a signed photo it would really make his day. The Bradford Revolution thing was a few years ago now so he needs a bit of a boost. Thanks.

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight

Dear Bill Murray,

Please accept my apologies in advance for what may turn out to be a bit of a gushy letter. I’m sure you are used to getting fan mail but I am actually probably your biggest fan (not in height, I am only 5 foot three and a half inches).

Steve, Mickey and I were talking last night about you and we agreed that you are our favourite Ghostbuster. I even went so far as to say that you would be my first choice as a celebrity dinner party guest. Steve had already used up his spaces and wouldn’t swap Christopher Walken for you – what kind of a fan is that? People always say they’d invite Stephen Fry to their dinner party but I don’t like him that much, so my guests would be:

1) You
2) Jack Black
3) Miranda
4) Pam St. Clement

I think Pam would bring a level of sophistication that the rest of us (no offense Bill) simply don’t have, wouldn’t you agree?

Here is a list of my all time favourite Bill Murray films:

1) Scrooged
2) Ghostbusters
3) Zombieland
4) Groundhog Day
5) Little Shop of Horrors

I was going to put Caddyshack in there but I haven’t actually seen it all the way through so it would have been a fib. I have heard it’s very good though. Well done.

I also liked Lost in Translation but I didn’t really follow the one with the boat. I think it was a bit too high brow for me, like Garfield.

I would very much like to visit your restaurant the next time I am down Florida way. Perhaps you could send me a menu I can mull over in the meantime? Actually a signed photo would probably be better please, thanks.

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight

Dear Yaniv Schulman,

Before I start, I should let you know that I am me and I’m not pretending to be anyone else or anything sneaky like that, so that should put your mind at ease. Although back in the summer of ’96, when Walkers Crisps gave away Star Wars Tazos I did write to them pretending to be an 8 year old whose mean brother would beat her up for her Tazos, and she only needed numbers 18, 19, 42 and 61 to complete her collection and it would mean the world to her if they could possible send them to her, and do you know what? It only bloody worked. I put it down to my clever discovery that writing upside down looks incredibly like an 8 year old’s handwriting. Try it.

Anyway, I’m writing to you because I think Catfish is a brilliant film. Megan is sooo pretty, it’s such a shame she’s in rehab because you two would make a lovely couple. I don’t suppose yours would be the first relationship dashed by the evils of drink – it’s a familiar story, but a very sad one all the same. I sincerely hope your film helps other young people stay off the booze and drugs. Perhaps they should show Catfish in schools.

I once went out with someone I met on the internet, but now I’m with Hot Steve who is from real life, and he is much better. He isn’t called Hot Steve for nothing you know!

What do you think of Google Plus I don’t like it.

Please could you send me a signed photo?

Yours sincerely,

Lucy Knight