One day I want to walk into a job interview wearing a pair of Converse low tops. I haven’t considered what sort of outfit I’d wear with them; I suppose that means this pipe dream is half-baked. I’d probably be interviewing at a marketing or advertising firm so I think I’d have to go with an Ellen DeGeneres vibe: new black jeans, a crisp button up shirt and a blazer.

With my low tops. I think I’d probably spring for a new pair because wearing a new pair makes me feel chipper and it’s good to feel chipper when going on a job interview.

Anyway, I’d walk into the reception area where the receptionist would greet me with, “Welcome to the Mandrien Consulting Group; how can I help you?”

“I’m Cardiogirl; I have an interview with Julian Banks.”

“Ah yes. Have a seat please, Mr. Banks will be right with you.”

And that’s when I would start second guessing myself. I’d start to sweat but wouldn’t dare take off the blazer since armpit stains do not scream success. Then I’d start to worry about my most dreaded interview question: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Gah! I have no idea where I’ll be in five years. Alive? At my goal weight? Breathing down 50? Working at a job I can deal with so I’m bringing in money to pay the mortgage?

Hang on. If this is just a pipe dream why do I have to be neurotic about it? I know. It’s who I am; I can’t even dream big without stressing out. With that new mindset, I’d like to walk in cold, with my low tops, and just casually answer Julian’s questions.

I’d lean back in the interview chair, stretch my legs out and cross them at the ankles. “Thanks for meeting with me Julian. Can I call you Julian? Great. Thanks for your time, Julian. Now what, exactly, does this job entail?”

I’d go totally stream of consciousness with my answers: “That is a great question, Julian. I’m not sure where I see myself in five years. I’d like to be at my goal weight and I’m hoping my kids will outgrow their allergies so I can get a cat but beyond that, I’m open for suggestions.”

“What can I offer your company? I think the real question here is what can your company offer me?”

I also like to think, in this pipe dream, that I’d be totally cool when Julian began to berate me and then called the secretary to see me out.

I’d stand up, shoot my cuffs and say, “Goodbye, Julian. We really aren’t a good match.” I’d turn away and then look back over my shoulder as I said, “When you get your shit together, give me a call.”

Now that would be an awesome way to end a job interview.

cardiogirl Should I add wearing a pair of Converse low tops on a job interview to my bucket list? Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.

Here’s a not-so-rhetorical question for you.

Is it better to have a family of five taken down with the intestinal flu all at once or in succession eight to 36 hours apart?

Discuss.

cardiogirl Go down in flames or slowly increase the torture day by day: discuss Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.

Guest written by our friend Mason Abbott

One of my favorite reality television shows to watch these days is Supernanny. There are parts that I don’t like. For example when the children on the show are allowed to run around cursing and hitting and biting their parents but this is only in the beginning.

The nanny, Jo Frost, will come in to the home for an observation day to find out what is going on and what the normal family routine is like. She will then make assessments based on what she sees and will adjust things accordingly.

Jo is really great at assessing the underlying issues in the relationships between the parents and the children and even between the mom and the dad. Sometimes she spends more time counseling the parents than she does correcting the children’s behaviors.

She recognizes the things that it is sometimes hard to see when you are the one in the relationship or in the family situation and she helps each family take a step back and realize what is going on.

Check out your DirecTV guide to find out when Supernanny comes on in your area.

cardiogirl Supernanny Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.

The Spam Mash-Up started a while ago when I discovered that some spammers are pretty clever and sometimes even witty. If you make me laugh you will get my attention, that’s a fact.

So now I peruse my spam folder in search of a good nugget. Last time those crazy kids were extolling my virtues and laying it on thick. Yeah, I enjoy the accolades even if they are false.

Today’s batch of spam is philosophical and each one reads like a fortune cookie. Feel free to add the phrase “in bed” after each fortune if you feel the need.

It is the best time to make a few plans for the longer term and it’s time to be happy.

- Naida

You know what, Naida? It really is time to turn that frown upside down. Come on get happy!

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

- Scutece

Snaps Scutece! By the way, how do you pronounce that name — soo-teece? Regardless, nice job wishing me good health while slipping in some financial stuff. It’s like a subliminal message.

Is it necessary to be the lifetime of the party to have fun? Being yourself is usually the simplest policy.

- Lawrence

I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary to be the lifetime of the party, but when you add “in bed” to this equation the answer might differ.

There must be quite a few things a hot bath won’t cure but I don’t know many of them.

- Robb

I’m not much of a bath person, but I think this axiom could hold true for me if we substitute hot tub for hot bath.

Keep the smile, Leave the tear, Think of joy, Forget the fear, Hold the laugh, Leave the pain, Be joyous, Coz it’s new year! Happy New Year!

- Scutece

Look at my friend Scutece sliding in with a New Year’s greeting! Thanks, pal. I’ll be sure to leave the tears at the door.

cardiogirl Spam Mash-Up: The fortune cookie edition Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.

I like it when a celebrity shares some inside information, but only if it’s something most of the general public can relate to. I’m not feeling LeAnn Rimes’ pain because everyone thinks she’s anorexic.

But I digress. I can only think of two celebrities who’ve come clean with some information that I think is useful.

Kathy Griffin

You’ve probably seen the sharp-tongued redhead on Bravo but if not, she’s a comedian who relentlessly skewers A-list stars. I do cringe as I laugh because she does decimate them but, apparently, that doesn’t stop me from watching.

Anyway, she’s had her fair share of plastic surgery that she openly admits to. Right there she gains a lot of credibility with me. She’s honest about it instead of saying she just has good genes.

And while I’m on my soapbox, I also appreciated her stand-up bit about celebrities and dieting. You know the drill, most celebrities will say they eat whatever they want and never gain weight since they “just have good genes.”

Kathy calls bullshit on that and so do I. Her own method of dieting goes like this — frustration and starvation. She’s frequently quoted as saying, “I’m hungry all the time and I’m cranky.” Finally, some honesty in Hollywood.

Regardless, she’s tangled with liposuction in the past and it did not go well for her. She had some nasty complications that included a bad infection and a week-long catheter. And after she recovered she said she didn’t see any difference in her body!

What impressed me was that she didn’t go on a crusade to stop liposuction. She just pointed out that every procedure has risks and then, years later, underwent lipo again with good results. I’m positive I wouldn’t have gone through that again but I admire her for telling it like it is.

Patricia Heaton

The only other person who’s spoke sincerely, in my opinion, is Patricia Heaton. She played Ray’s wife on “Everybody Loves Raymond.” On the show her character had three kids that included a set of twins. In reality she had four kids via four C-sections and then she had a tummy tuck and a breast reduction. (It’s crazy to hear about a breast reduction in California, isn’t it?)

You know why she did it? This is what she told People Magazine: “Vanity. I mean it. Vanity.”

Bravo, Patricia Heaton! You get a one-woman standing ovation. She owns it, gingah. She didn’t like how her body looked and so she made a change. She did not tell the world that she did 1,000 crunches every day for three months to get a flat stomach.

Total side note: I just thought of this, how much does a tummy tuck cost? Unless your doctor is willing to massage the insurance forms, all of these procedures have to be deemed cosmetic and optional. As far as I know, there’s no insurance company that pays out based on vanity.

I know. These are celebrities with tons of disposable income. Buying cheek implants is probably like upsizing that McDonald’s Extra Value Meal.

So tell me, are there any celebrities out there whose honesty you admire?

cardiogirl Snaps to you Kathy Griffin and Patricia Heaton Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.

I wish I were a better housekeeper. Strike that, I wish I had a housekeeper.

I got a phone call yesterday at 5 p.m. from an insurance guy who needs to take pictures of our house for a new homeowner’s policy. And he’s coming over this morning at 10.

Side note: If I never post again it was the faux insurance guy who killed me and then hid my body. His first name is Rick, I didn’t catch his last name.

We switched insurance companies and are saving a thousand bucks a year, but part of the deal is that they come inside and photograph the kitchen, bathrooms and basement. I wanted to get it over with so I told him to come over today and then I set about frantically cleaning the house. I should really install a few enclosed bulletin boards. That way my to-do lists would remain where I put them and not under the table.

I can work myself into an anxious frenzy with little to no notice and I absolutely hate the pop-in. Most of the time, the house is ready for a pop-in but I prefer having advance notice so I clean to my satisfaction.

I can tolerate 75% cleanliness with my kids and husband. Everyone else requires 100% and I’m talking about everyone — the furnace repairman, a neighbor who ran out of butter (yep, I have one neighbor who’s allowed inside to borrow food) and the cable guy. If I hung one of those enclosed fabric bulletin boards in my kitchen I would have a decorative place to put all of my kids’ school work. Ugh, they come home with half a forest in their backpacks every day.

But keeping order in the house would be easier. I routinely scour this place for the babysitter, my kids’ friends and overnight guest. It never fails; once a foreign body is in my house I suddenly have X-ray vision. Those are the times, while I’m sitting on the couch, that I notice the cobwebs in the corner and the yogurt container that my kid left on the bookshelf.

Excellent.

Back to my lack of organizational skills. I could probably install enclosed cork bulletin boards on the inside door of my bedroom closet. No one would be the wiser and I could keep things under control. Well, I could keep my lists in one spot and I could use some snazzy push pins without my kids stealing them.

But the thought of this guy coming into the house and capturing this stuff on film — forever — has sent me into a crazy spiral. I know that he’ll use a digital camera and that the photos will be attached to our policy. I realize these insurance people could give a shit about a missed glob of shaving cream on the bottom of my pedestal sink.

But knowing that I’ll see it while he’s snapping away is really making my chest tight. And yes, just in case you’re wondering, it really is difficult to be me.

cardiogirl Clean House, the extreme anxiety edition Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.

Oy vey. I’m never getting a cat; it’s just not in the cards for me. Why, you ask? Because my oldest kid has asthma and is allergic to cats but you probably already knew that.

These days my middle kid is flirting with asthma. It’s definitely not as severe as my oldest kid’s but it’s questionable and that is why we visited my old buddy the allergist. It seems my middle kid occasionally feels like an elephant is sitting on her chest and when that happens puffing on the oldest kid’s inhaler seems to help.

Sounds like an open and shut case, right? Wrong. Her symptoms are not consistent, I cannot find a trigger of any sort and I’m wondering if the inhaler is having a placebo effect on her. The doctor agreed but did not discount her tight chest so we left with a peak flow monitor, a spacer and an inhaler.

That was almost it until he looked up her prescription history on the computer and discovered the pediatrician had prescribed Flonase nasal spray in the spring. “Does she have allergies?” he asked.

“I’m not sure; she sneezes a lot in the spring.”

“Let’s do a scratch test before you leave,” he said.

Have you ever had a scratch test? It’s not really a scratch. It’s more of digging-a-needle-in-the-skin-and-then-scraping-it-back-out test. Four rows of six on her back.

The results came back like this: allergies to all trees, leaves and pollen which is why she sneezes a lot in the spring. The next row on her back showed up as dust mites. And row three was the domestic cat. Damnation.

So in addition to never having a cat again, I now have to worry about dust mites making a shanty town in the bed skirts. I also need to buy a few mattress covers for two mattresses and two box springs since she shares a room with her younger sister who, as of yet, is not allergic to cats or dust mites.

Now that I’m going on a shopping spree maybe I should break the bank and buy some satin pillowcases while I’m at it. Although those things are pretty slippery, aren’t they? I don’t need her sliding out of bed in the middle of the night, banging her head on the floor and spiraling into an asthma attack.

I’ll just keep using cotton pillowcases and wait for those dust mites to trigger an attack.

At least then I won’t have to deal with a concussion.

cardiogirl Now I have to wait another decade to get a cat Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.

The last time I told you about my oldest kid, she was angling to get a TV in her bedroom. At that time, I pegged her future career as a criminal defense attorney. She began with reasons why she should not have a TV in her room then she gave a pretty solid counter-argument for each one.

I have to admit I was kind of impressed.

Anyway, her recent written communication centered around a membership at a game website that allows you to create a character that earns fame, coins and movie star status. I have mixed feelings about that.

I don’t want my kid to grow up to be a Disney tween star who turns into a coked-out newfangled version of Lindsey Lohan/Miley Cyrus/Demi Lovato.

However, maybe indulging this desire virtually will eliminate her actual desire to become a pop star.

Anyway, the main obstacle to this membership is the payment. I’m not willing to pay for her to spend hours on the computer and the payment method always requires a credit card. Then they kick into automatic payments on the credit card and you have to walk three miles through fire to cancel the membership.

Undeterred by my concerns, she provided the following proposal last weekend.

Where to begin?

She’s got $18 burning a hole in her pocket. This kid needs to learn how to save money, however she gets major points for knowing she’ll be paying for the membership herself.

She has also outlined the pricing options and has chosen the most bang for her buck. What she failed to notice is that she’s short by $1.99.

Regarding the perks, she is absolutely correct that she did not spend much time on the computer in the last month. However, she did receive an iPod Touch for Christmas so that’s sort of a wash.

I have to admit that I thoroughly enjoyed the call to action at the end of proposal complete with a deadline. Call now while supplies last!

While we did not give her an answer within the 67-minute window that she provided, I did have a decision a few days later. I asked her to research the payment options to see if they accept Paypal. Turns out they do, so she signed up for a one-week test run and promptly handed over three bills after I hit submit.

I think she might actually have a shot at producing infomercials once she grows up.

cardiogirl On second thought, maybe she’ll be an advertising executive Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.

I think it’s time to play the $25,000 Pyramid again. Last time Sheryl Crow agreed to be my partner in the Winner’s Circle. Today Seal has agreed to be my partner. He will give the clues; I will make the guesses.

Why Seal? I really like his music, I’m a big fan of his wife, Heidi Klum, and he has a British accent. British accents rule.

Producer cues “Amazing,” Seal walks out to applause, music fades and he takes his seat.

Cardiogirl: “Thank you so much, Mr. Seal. Can I call you Seal or would you prefer Mr. Seal?”

Seal: “Seal is fine. Right then, shall we get started?”

CG: “Yes.”

Two minutes are added to the digital clock and the bell rings.

Seal: “Lockers. Your oldest kid. Being in middle school and having a small locker at your disposal.”

CG: “Things that make me have anxiety dreams at night including — but not limited to — the fear of forgetting the combination when I use one of the steel lockers at the Y.” Buzzer sounds to indicate a wrong answer.

Seal: “You’re over-thinking this. Conversations with your kid last summer before school started.”

CG: “Things that I over analyze!” Buzzer. “DAMNATION! Things that my kid talked about obsessively all summer long before school started.” DING!

Seal: “The sound of Keith Morrison’s voice. Petting a cat.”

CG: “Things that I enjoy.” DING!

Seal: “Fish. The musky scent that old hippies wear. Burning incense.”

CG: “Things that set off my gag reflex.” DING!

Seal: “Watching true crime any time you want on Investigation Discovery.”

CG: “Things that make me get down on my knees and praise Jesus.” DING!

Seal: “New Year’s Resolutions. Squirrels.”

CG: “Things that I cannot stand and that should be eradicated from society.” DING!

Seal: “Vinegar. The fact that you FINALLY have some normal neighbors who moved in across the street.”

CG: “Things that make me believe that miracles still occur.” DING!

Time ends and I win all the money.

cardiogirl $25,000 Pyramid featuring GRAMMY Winner Seal Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.

If you’ve been blogging for more than three months you’ve probably realized you’re not going to get rich quick by blogging. Money can certainly be made but it requires work and a realistic attitude.

There’s no legal real way to get rich quick

The money I’ve made so far has allowed me to buy four pairs of Converse per month. I’m not getting rich since this is just enough to pay six days of our monthly mortgage, but it’s a start.

There are ways to supplement your income

One of the ways to make some money online is through affiliate marketing. You can choose a specific product or company to promote like Bluehost or Sponsored Reviews or you can join an affiliate program such as Blue Global Media.

If you do choose to join an Affiliate network you’ll have the opportunity to promote a few different products rather than just one. And that means you’ll have a better chance of making money since you’re offering more than one item.

You’re working on commission; the harder your work the more you’ll make

Keep in mind that you’ll earn a small percentage for every customer who actually purchases the product your offering; it’s basically working on commission.

For instance, if you sign up for a Payday affiliate program you will receive a certain amount for each customer you refer who actually signs up for the program.

Now when I started blogging I thought I’d see tons of money rolling in just because I threw an ad in my sidebar. Not so. Just like anything else, you need to work that angle by writing posts. In the example above, you’d need to consistently write blog posts about payday affiliate loan programs in order to show up on a Google search. That’s how you’re going to find your target market.

Once your target market has arrived you’ll need to provide some useful information so that person is compelled to click through to the affiliate program.

So if you’re a strong sales person in real life you’d probably make some money with affiliate marketing. If you’re passive, like I am, you might consider getting a part-time job down the street.

cardiogirl I’m not getting rich but I am making some money online Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.