• There’s no nostalgic value for me. I’ve never seen the show the first go around and was told by my parents that it was stupid and annoying. And it was MTV, so of course parent’s just don’t understand. So I am able to give it fresh perspective.
• C’mon Mike Judge. After doing a semi-bellyflop with the cartooned “King of the Hill” and a painfully full-bellyflop with Extract, I say we give him one more try.
• The Adult Swim variety of cartoons are increasingly enjoyable. Let’s list a few shows that aren’t for my target demo, but I like anyways. Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Home Movies. Metalocalypse. Archer. Superjail. See Beavis and Butthead could easily fit in there as a happy surprise.
• What else does MTV going for it? Skins?

Also, refresh your memory with the pilot episode here:

1. Everyone loves the draft. No matter who you root for, you can imagine that whoever your team picks is going to be AWESOME. I mean, just look at their college highlight reel!

1a. If you have a bad team, the chances of getting an AWESOME player are even higher! Or if you have a good team, you’re probably only one player away from winning the Super Bowl!

2. It’s in prime-time this year! (That changes nothing, but just go with it.)

Ready? OK! Pumped? Me too. I even spent all last night making some images that can go with this post. I hope you all can enjoy them.

7:33: Roger Goodell: “The thing that makes the NFL Draft special is that it’s about hopes and dreams.” So true!

7:35: Rams been on clock for 5 minutes. What, they’re still deciding?

St. Louis Rams pick Sam Bradford (QB, Oklahoma) — Buy!

As expected, Rams pick Bradford. Having passed on Matt Ryan, Joe Flacco and Mark Sanchez, there really was no other way they could go here. The fact that he’s a spread offense quarterback is tricky, but almost every college QB is a spread guy these days. I’m more worried about his shoulder. The one time he had a less-than-good offensive line, his shoulder went supernova.

Detroit Lions pick Ndamakong Suh (DT, Nebraska) — Buy!

Suh is the best player in the draft. I know that because everyone says he’s the best player in the draft. (Also, because I saw him tear up Colt McCoy in the Big 12 Championship.) He’s a defensive player, the Lions defense sucks. It’s a win-win! (Also, the crowd totally sounds like they’re booing, but I can only assume they’re saying “Suuuuuuhhhhh.”)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers pick Gerald McCoy (DT, Oklahoma) — Buy!

Again, the third pick goes as expected. People say McCoy’s good, I believe them. And he’s crying! Crying = high-character guy. “At defensive tackle, desire may actually outweigh talent!” Good to know, pundits!

7: 53: But who will Redskins draft? They HAVE to go OT, or Donovan McNabb will cry.

Washington Redskins pick Trent “Silverback” Williams (OT, Oklahoma) — Buy!

It was either him or Russell Okung, but apparently Williams is better right now. Donovan McNabb will not cry himself to sleep tonight.

8:04: But now what will the Chiefs do? Noo they’re calling Berry!! Goddammit.

Kansas City Chiefs pick Eric Berry (S, Tennessee) — Don’t Buy!

This is where my Eagles fandom is takes over my football fandom. I think Berry is going to be a great player, but I had pipe dreams of the Eagles trading up to get him.

Has to be Okung now, right?

8:12: Also, if it is Okung, how boring has the top quarter of this draft been? We were spoiled with teasers of trades and shockers, and the first six picks could have been predicted 2 months ago. Still, the Raiders are picking soon…

Seattle Seahawks pick Russell Okung (OT, Oklahoma State) — Buy!

The age-related decline of great units always depresses me. Like McCoy and the Bucs’s front four, so goes Okung and the Seahawks offensive line. Rejuvenation!

Cleveland Browns pick Joe Haden (CB, Florida) — Buy!

With the exception of the Williams-Okung swap, this draft has gone exactly the way every mock draft predicted in February. Has any other draft been this predictable?

Raiders’ pick coming soon. PLEASE: INSANITY!

Oakland Raiders pick Rolando McClain (ILB, Alabama) — Don’t Buy!

I count on the Raiders to be insane. But taking a middle-linebacker ranked in the teens at pick 8? That’s not insane, that’s just a normal maybe-bad, maybe-good decision. I can’t do anything with that.

Buffalo Bills pick C.J. Spiller (RB, Clemson) — Buy/Don’t Buy!

Our first surprise! The Bills have former first-rounder Marshawn Lynch and underrated Fred Jackson at running back. They’ll probably trade Lynch now, but how much leverage do they have? But their quarterbacks suck and they play in the cold, it’s not a HORRIBLE move. But their O-line kinda sucks still. I’m wishy-washy about this.

Also, how far will Jimmy Clausen fall now?

Jacksonville Jaguars pick Tyson Alualu (DT, California) — Don’t Buy!

I told you, I don’t follow college football. I have not heard anything about Tyson Aluahu. At #10, do the Jags need another player no one has heard of?

Mel Kiper just called him “a quick penetrator.” No Pittsburgh-QB jokes!

Also, the Jags/Eagles didn’t want to trade?

Our first trade! Denver trades down a couple spots!

San Francisco 49ers pick Anthony Davis (OT, Rutgers) — Buy!

Good pick! 49ers needed a right tackle and were afraid of a run on lineman, and it only cost them a 4th rounder!

Another trade!

San Diego Chargers pick Ryan Mattews (RB, Fresno State) — Buy!

Two in a row! Sproles is small and LdT is gone! It’s a little bit of a reach, but they needed him.

A third! Who will the Eagles get? (Please be in the secondary!) Also, crowd is chanting “Eagles suck!” Giants fans?

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES!! pick Brandon Graham?? (DE/OLB, Michigan) — Don’t Buy!

Earl Thomas and Kyle Wilson are still on the board. Graham I think will be good (Football Outsiders call him the 3rd-best pass rusher this year), but we have Juqua Thomas and Darryl Tapp. Unless we move him to SAM linebacker? And historically we’ve sucked at evaluating high-round defensive ends. I’m going to be despondent for the next few picks.

Seattle Seahawks pick Earl Thomas (S, Texas) — Don’t Buy!

He should have been ours! He should have been ours! (This is a good pick for Seattle, though. Historically their secondary has sucked.)

New York Giants pick Jason Pierre-Paul (DE, South Florida) — Buy!

And I said yes yes yes yes yes yes. I’m happy again. Besides Clausen, JPP is the closest thing to a sure-thing first-round bust this year. Seriously. Workout warrior with minimal college experience and production? I love it. Now time to re-read this Football Outsiders piece on SackSEER and hope it comes true.

Tennessee Titans pick Derrick Morgan (DE, Georgia Tech) — Buy!

We’re in the middle of the run on pass rushers, and Morgan is a solid pick. He’s apparently just as good against the run and the pass, and much more complete than JPP. And ESPN pundits are right: another team re-building a unit that used to be its strength.

San Francisco 49ers pick Mike Iupati (G, Idaho) — Buy!

San Fran’s skill positions are solid (except at QB maybe), and their defense is OK. But their O-line sucked. With two first-round linemen, it should be better! And Berman on ESPN makes the good point: David Carr is a backup now, primarily because he got beat up behind a sucky O-line –  how much does his life suck right now?

Pittsburgh Steelers pick Maurkice Pouncey (C, Florida) — Buy!

Again, their O-line sucked, especially the middle. Solid gold pick, and probably not a rapist.

Atlanta Falcons pick Sean Weatherspoon (ILB, Missouri) — Buy!

This pick was predicted by everyone! That makes it good!

Houston Texans pick Kareem Jackson (CB, Alabama) — Buy!

I don’t know much about him, but the fact that Kyle Wilson hasn’t been picked yet suggests everyone might have over-rated him. A possibility for Eagles to pick up tomorrow?

Cincinnati Bengals pick Jermaine Gresham (TE, Oklahoma) — Buy!

Carson Palmer was under a voodoo spell for much of last season. Hopefully with a good tight end the Bengals can install a remedial offense while Palmer gets his sea legs back.

Denver trades back up! To New England! I guarantee both McDaniels and Belichick think they’re smarter than the other.

Denver Broncos pick Demaryius Thomas (WR, Georgia Tech) — Buy!

First off: Is ‘Demaryius’ the only word ever with a y-i? It’s redundant! But they lost Brandon Marshall, they need a receiver, Thomas doesn’t have the character issues that Dez Bryant does, and he looks like he’s a similar player as Marshall. And they got a bunch of picks trading down (and trading Marshall, too.) Nice work!

Green Bay Packers pick Bryan Bulaga (OT, Iowa) — Buy!

Aaron Rodgers played behind a sieve last year, so the Packers would take any tackle who fell to them. Bryan Bulaga looks like a Green Bay type player, which is to say that he’s white.

Dallas Cowboys pick Dez Bryant (WR, Oklahoma State) — Don’t Buy!

Fuuuuccckkkk. The Cowboys now have Jason Witten, Miles Austin AND Dez Bryant? And the Eagles neglected to pick up a cornerback or a safety? We’re fucked fucked fucked. Hope you like passing, Kevin Kolb, because you’re going to be playing from behind a lot.

10:05: Berman: “Tebow is on the phone! Baltimore is on the clock!…Oh, it’s Denver!”

Denver Broncos pick Tim Tebow (QB, Florida) — Buy!!!11!!!1!

Hope the other Broncos get used to hearing abour circumcision.

(I was tempted to just leave it at that. But I’m happy for Tebow. He seems like a very nice, completely sincere guy who just wants to be himself and love God as much as he can. And I’m happy as shit that Clausen is falling. If I was a legitimate analyst, I’d say something about his throwing motion — but I’m not so I won’t.)

((Also, how bad did this pick make Notre Dame fans feel?))

Arizona Cardinals pick Dan Williams (DT, Tennessee) — Buy!

He’s supposed to be a very good 3-4 nose tackle. Arizona runs a 3-4? Apparently. So then: good pick.

(Also, I just realized that Tim Tebow is probably now the richest virgin in America.)

New England Patriots pick Devin McCourtry (CB, Rutgers) — Buy!

This was a guy the Eagles were supposed to take at 24 if none of the better CBs fell to them. The Eagles didn’t take him early, and apparently the Patriots didn’t like any of the pass-rushers available here. So this makes sense. If I were a grader: solid B.

Miami Dolphins pick Jared Odrick (DE, Penn State) — Buy!

Of all the positions that get picked in the first round, is there any more underwhelming than 3-4 defensive end? They’re not huge like nose tackles, they don’t get bunches of sacks like outside linebackers or 4-3 ends; their main job is to stop the run. This guy seems alright at that, though.

New York Jets pick Kyle Wilson (CB, Boise State) — Buy!

The rich get richer. I wanted him to drop down to Philly in the second, but that was more of a ‘wish’ than a ‘hope.’ Now Rex Ryan has Revis, Cromartie and Wilson; he can blitz the shit out of anyone he wants with those guys holding down the back. (Also, as Aaron Schatz tweeted, Wilson is insurance if it turns out that Cromartie kinda sorta maybe sucks.)

Another trade! By the Lions??!?

Detroit Lions pick Jahvid Best (RB, California) — Don’t Buy!

If you are the Detroit Lions, what is on the top of your need list? Their defense is horrendous, and I’d say running back is maybe only their second- or third-biggest need on offense. But I get the reasoning: Matt Stafford needs weapons. “We’ll just outscore them all!” Get used to a lot of dumpoffs in the flat, Jahvid.

10:53: Time for the last two picks! Push it through!

Indianapolis Colts pick Jerry Hughes (DE/OLB, Texas Christian) — Buy!

Colts needed a pass rusher to spell Freeney and Mathis, and SackSEER loves this guy. Nice work! One left!

New Orleans Saints pick Patrick Robinson (CB, Florida State) — Don’t Buy!

The Eagles traded up just in time for the run on cornerbacks to happen between their two picks. I wasn’t in love with Robinson, but who’s left for tomorrow? But this is a good pick for the Saints. If you’re a blitzing defense, you can never have too many defensive backs.

—

So: 32 picks, three-and-a-half hours, 23 ‘Buys,” eight “Don’t Buys” and one “dunno.” I’m very sad I didn’t get to use my Jimmy Clausen and Colt McCoy pictures, though. I’ll put them below, because there’s no way in hell I’m going to live-blog the second round:

And:

Hopefully McCoy goes to a team where they let him sit for a while, and Clausen goes to a team with a good sense of humor. But that’s a story for another time.

That’s all for now. I’m going to wait three years before looking at this post again and laugh wholeheartedly!

-Was the White House rebuilt?
-Did Randy Quaid survive?
-Does Jeff Goldblum have other things to say with his hands?
-Are there other black pilots?
-ARE ALIENS REAL?!!?#!!!

Here are my re-purposed slogans for ID42 and ID43:

We’ve always believed we weren’t alone. Pretty soon, we’ll wish we had more alone time to get done those errands we put off.

THESE extraterrestrials don’t want to phone home…They want to text.

EARTH Take a good look. It could be your last. Ha. Made you look.

Don’t make plans for August. It is really hot.

The question of whether or not we are alone in the universe has been answered. Next summer… the question will be re-posed and hopefully answered in a different context.

Enjoy The Superbowl. It May Be Your Second to Last (Superbowl Promo)

On July 2nd, they arrive on vacation. On July 3rd, they strike gold at a strip joint. On July 4th, we fight back against sex tourism.

On July 2, 2011, the aliens came. On July 3, 2011, the aliens saw and struck. On Independence Day 2011, the human race will CONQUER ONCE MORE WHAT ONCE WAS THEIRS ONCE.

(h/t: coming soon)

*A roundup: “Greek” is good and fun, but hardly clean; “Ruby and the Rockets” is clean and fun, but never good; “Make It Or Break It” is clean and good, but rarely fun; and “Secret Life of the American Teenager,” given that it is absolute shit, is not good, clean nor fun.

But after flicking to “10 Things” during a commercial break in “Chuck” last week, Sara and I unexpectedly witnessed this: undoubtedly The Most Offensive Scene in Basic Cable History:

What????

While I would also accept nominations for the climax of ‘Scott Tenorman Must Die’ and any ‘Previously on “Secret Life”‘ montage, those at least have reason to exist. This? Plopped down in the middle of an otherwise-innocuous episode, this scene is like finding out your favorite restaurant serves rat meat. Intentionally.

I’m kidding a little bit, but I would still like to know the thinking behind this development. Who decided that a heartwarming series about a man trying to prevent his daughters from having sex needed more broad racial caricatures?

While I dial the PC Police, readers, let me know: What do you think is The Most Offensive Scene in Basic Cable History?

That, in itself, is a miracle, don’t you think? No? I have to sell you on this?  Okay.

• And I quote “Magic everywhere in this bitch”
• And I quote again: “Fuckin Magnets, How Do They Work?”
• They are wearing clown make-up… and the one guy is a fatty! Hilarious
• ICP fans (like this guy)
• This:

30 seconds of children dancing and talking about changing their clothes, while an adult voice tells them to “shake it.” Dear Lord.

But the animals are so cool and friendly! And the music is so catchy! You’re damn right I know all the words:

Baby let me show you how to do this

You got to move it

You’re doing fine!

Ain’t nothin’ to it

You got to move it

C’mon and groove it

Shake it! Shake it!

My head and my heart are at war because of Garanimals. There is no way this can end well.

[UPDATE: Five minutes ago I found the original song and am pleased to report its video is much less pederast-y:

Now I can relax!)

However, it would have been even funnier if Sara hadn’t shown me this clip from Target Women six months ago:

Obviously it’s not fair to assume that Saturday Night Live stole the sketch; Target Women, after all, airs on CurrentTV. (What’s that? Exactly.) But it is still a sad little reminder that, in this season of SNL, all of the best moments have just been been retreads of previous ones.

I: Status Quo

November 4, 2005:

What’s more important: talent, coaching, or swagger? These quotes may help you decide. Each tells us something important about that magical gait.

[...] FOX’s Adam Schein, on the Cowboys’ rout of the Eagles a month ago: “Finally, swagger and aggressiveness from the Dallas Cowboys.” Maybe the nefarious Cowpokes swiped it from the Eagles. Or maybe Barry Switzer just misplaced it in the team offices a decade ago.

Chris Harlan, Beaver County Times, on Monday’s Steelers-Ravens game: “Ray Lewis was wearing jeans, but the Ravens’ swagger was still there.” It’s a key ingredient in upsets, and stars like Lewis can horde it for five years after a Super Bowl win and project it telepathically from the bench.

Pro Football Weekly’s college scouting report on Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder. “Plays with a sense of urgency. Very confident. Has a swagger.” It can be spotted by trained scouts, who no doubt watch for signs of it at Senior Bowl practices.

[...] This is serious stuff. [...]  With the exception of some rookies in tight situations, all football players are confident. Swagger must be equivalent to super-duper-ultra-confidence, not to be confused with cockiness, which we all know is bad.

II: Appropriation

August 8, 2007:

No one on the corner has swagger like us

Hit me on my burner, pre-paid wireless

We pack and deliver like UPS trucks

Already going to hell, just pumping that gas

III: Mainstreaming

September 6, 2008:

No one on the corner has swagger like us

Swagger like us

Swagger, swagger like us

Mr. West is in the building

Swagger on a hundred thousand, trillion

Hey yo, I know I got it first

I’m Christopher Columbus, y’all just the pilgrims

IV: Watering Down

August 7, 2009:

And now the dudes are lining up, ’cause they hear we got swagger

But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

V: Self-Parody

January 5, 2010:

According to the Kansas City Star, [Justin] Bieber says, “I have a swagger coach that helps me and teaches me different swaggerific things to do,”

Yes! There’s more: “He has helped me with my style and just putting different pieces together and being able to layer and stuff like that.”

Study Questions:

1: What does the word ’swagger’ mean today?

2: What does the concept of ’swagger’ mean to you? What did it mean to you five years ago?

3: Are there other clichés that have had their meanings changed or obfuscated over time due to their usage in popular culture?

BONUS: Where does this line from Sufjan Stevens’s ‘The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out to Get Us’ fit into the timeline?

All of my powers, day after day

I can tell you, we swaggered and swayed

Please submit your answers in the comments.

The latest: Kurt Cobain on Ice!

Is it just me, but does that skater kind of look like Mel Gibson?

No.

If you do this, I will first lose respect for you then despise you for the rest of the month.

Enjoy. Or not.

Portuguese Lady Gaga:

6 year-old Ke$ha

Parents? Where are you?

But for her being one of my favorite musicians, Newsom’s LPs always left me the slightest bit cold. I couldn’t get into her debut, The Milk-Eyed Mender, for a mixture of good and bad reasons. I can’t hear beyond the frog-child squawk of her early vocals, but beyond that the songs on the album seem to me like cute little arts and crafts projects you appreciate, buy and then leave on a shelf and never think of again. And while her 2006 follow-up Ys is a beautiful album, it’s also extremely heavy (the ending of “Monkey & Bear” still puts me in a weird place) and a little bit distant. Its 11-minute behemoths feel more like museum exhibits than songs: You can admire them from afar, but they’re definitely Joanna Newsom’s songs, not yours.

It wasn’t until I stumbled around Hype Machine and found some live tracks that I discovered my favorite Newsom song, a new track called “Esme”:

“Esme” is no doubt her prettiest song, and also one of her simplest. The tone and tempo don’t shift anywhere near as dramatically as the tracks on Ys. The harp runs sound a lot like what our notion of a harp should sound like. The lyrics bounce on the sweet swaying rhythms of a nursery rhyme: “It’s a beautiful town / With the rain coming down / Blackberry, rosemary, jimmy-crack-corn.” (Not that intellect is any vice in music, but sometimes it’s nice to not need a dictionary when you listen to a song.) And her voice reaches heights I didn’t know she could hit. When she scales the “But if you are scared / If you are blue” climax, a part of me melts every time.

—

All of this is a roundabout way of saying that for two years I had but one hope for the new Joanna Newsom album, and that was that it contained some version of “Esme.” So when I heard that Have One on Me, her latest, would be a two-hour, three-CD opus, well, that was reason for optimism.

As it turns out, “Esme” is on the album, along with 17 other songs. Yes, that’s right: 18 songs, with an average song length of seven minutes. This is a long, long, LONG album — only 40 minutes shorter than Avatar — and it is work to slog through it all. But not as hard as you might think

The baroque tidal wave of orchestration that enveloped much of Ys is gone and the result is a much more relaxed album. There’s more space between the instruments here, and more variety in them too: piano, horn, electric guitar and I swear even a harmonica buried deep in the mix at places. And apart from the title track, written from the perspective of 19th-century courtesan Lola Montez — that’s our Joanna — the historical/metaphysical/astrological angles get short shrift here. Instead, Newsom’s talkin’ ’bout love: romantic love, violent love, break-up love, niece-and-nephew love.

The standout is “Good Intentions Paving Co.”, an ode to a new relationship gradually turning serious, and the most infectiously exuberant new song I’ve heard since “Two Weeks.” Riding a bouncy soul piano, Newsom sounds more gleeful than ever thought possible: “And I’ve been fessing double-fast / Addressing questions nobody asked / I’ll get this joy off of my chest at last / And I will love you ’til the noise has long since passed.” And after a crooning breakdown, the songs ends with an instrumental fade-out as the piano and trumpet play a lazy duel; it’s probably the grooviest minute-and-a-half she’s ever recorded. Some R&B artist somewhere needs to pull a Solange and cover this, immediately: instant crossover smash!

The rest of the album never reaches those heights, although it’s maybe unfair to expect it to. “Soft as Chalk,” the only other ‘fast’ song, dances its way around two awesome piano riffs but never is able to lock in and turn things up to 11. The rest are slow songs in Newsom’s familiar key/tempo range, but the best of these still reveal secret depths. “Easy” starts off as an lumbering ballad before periodically unveiling a hidden sexy side. The break-up ballad “Does Not Suffice” wrings more meaning than it should be able to out of re-purposing the piano part from “In California”, the long-distance love story that came nine tracks before. And Newsom begins “Kingfisher” by gently asking “Whose is the hand that I will hold?” and ends with something much more macabre: “And I saw that my blood had no bounds / spreading in a circle like an atom bomb / soaking and felling everything in its path.”

Elsewhere the pleasure are simpler. “Baby Birch” and “Ribbon Bows” both weave gorgeous vocal melodies, while “‘81″ offers a spare harp part and this very Newsonian appreciation of agriculture: “I found a little plot of land in the Garden of Eden / It was dirt and dirt is all the same.”

But compared to other epic-length albums, Have One on Me suffers from a relative lack of stylistic adventurousness. The reason the album feels longer than, say, Sandinista!, is that Newsom can only go so far. I’ve listened to the whole thing five or six times through and I’m still not quite able to tell apart “Go Long,” “Occident,” “No Provenence” and “Autumn,” other than that I’m pretty sure I like the first two and dislike the latter. On another album, four songs that sound similar might not be that big of a deal, but here that’s nearly half an hour of slow, spare and vaguely downbeat music with obtuse meaning.

Ironically though, for the most part even the lack of ambition — and yes, this is probably the only two-hour album you could call ‘unambitious’ — works, in a strange way. The phrasings of the music and lyrics don’t follow as strict a syntax as they did on Ys (listen to “Have One on Me” again, comparing it to “Emily”), but the end result is a much looser and freer album. You don’t get the feeling that these are songs that have had all the life meticulously plotted out of them. These are songs that, with enough listens, could be yours.

—

And as for “Esme”? As I wrote before, it’s here, near the end. Like a few of the songs on the album, I prefer the live version; the recorded version is a touch slower and softer and that makes all the difference. Stuffed into this huge album, it’s easy to forget that’s it’s coming. Odd that the song I waited years for turned into an afterthought.

Is the cat food laced with LSD? Cat ladies, why do you want your cat to go on a magical adventure without you? Are cats more pure than humans, being that this cat has an opportunity to go on a murderous buffet and doesn’t?

Basically, why CGI cat? Why CGI world? Can’t you just sing the meow mix theme song and call it a day? Or have a cat lady declare how her kitty deserves the best?

Side note: have you ever noticed the cats printed on cat food cans? They looked trapped. Creepy.

(Help Me)

What is going on with these two? Are they lesbians — or, being the only two young nuns, are they just very good friends? Also, are nuns even allowed to wear bikinis, or is that a hint that they are leaving the church altogether? How will we ever find out??!?