For me being self expressed means saying whatever I want to say to whomever I want to say it without worrying about what people will think of me. I am not talking about being rude or insulting someone but of being assertive in the way I talk so that I am clear and confident.

I don’t just refer to my ability to communicate though when I think about self expression, I also consider my creativity and being able to express it in whatever way I desire. I love writing and the written word but I also love to dance. I am in no way a semi/professional dancer but I love to express myself by shaking my behind on the dance floor. Being at a party and not being able to dance will be an extremely painful thing for me making dance an important method of self expression in my life. Two forms of self-expression that I don’t currently use but would love to learn how to do is draw (sketch) and play the guitar – they are on my ‘bucket’ list!

Speech and creativity are my two forms of self-expression that help me enjoy a full and happy life. You can also call your business life a form of self expression and your parenting – it really is up to you what you choose – bottom line is whatever you choose you do so because you couldn’t imagine your life functioning without it. You choose your forms of self expression because they fill you full of joy and help raise your self confidence. They help you move forward with life and fill you with pride at your achievements.

Another name I might give to self expression is having a drive to express myself. I do it whether I generate an income from it or not – like writing on this blog.  These words are my thoughts put into action that you get to read and that too is a form of self expression, my fulfillment comes from the writing not wondering whether any one reads it or whether it will help me earn some money.

Therefore, to answer the questions what does it mean to be self expressed my reply will focus on it being about our desire to express something through our actions, the expression of which helps us to feel a sense of pride in what we have done.

What does self expression mean to you?

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I was so inspired I began to write down some of the different things about us introverts and it turned into this free eBook that I wrote yesterday and am putting up today.  Below are some of the 101 things about being an introvert that you might like to know – either because you think you are one or you are an extrovert who lives/works with one who you never quite get!  You can download the complete list in a PDF after Liking our Facebook Page.

101 Things To Know About Being An Introvert

Extroverts. Still waters run deep. Make the time to get to know an introvert. You may be surprised by what you find and how much fun they are.

Being an introvert can be a label that we hide behind. Almost as if there is no hope for us. Be careful not to let it stop you from enjoying life.

When describing an introvert it is popular (and accurate) to say we are energised when we are alone and drained when we are with people for long lengths. A weekend training seminar is a nightmare for me so I use lunchtimes and breaks to recharge, which of course can isolate me from the group. Learning how to balance alone time and connecting with others is essential.

If we say we want to be alone it doesn’t mean you have to leave. Most times it just means we need time with our own thoughts.

We can work great with extroverts if they will only be quiet long enough to give us some time to think!

Most extroverts love us because they get to talk about themselves all the time and we don’t actually mind.

Don’t take our lack of excitement as a lack of interest. That isn’t the case. We just don’t feel the need to jump up and down with joy when you share your idea.

In social situations we may not have much to say but most of the time what we do say matters.

I have been called “aloof”, “too serious”, “boring” “loner”, “withdrawn” and a bunch of other words. We are definitely not celebrated in a world of “warm, vibrant” extroverts and if we can’t celebrate ourselves why should we expect others to do so.

I know myself to be an introvert who is self-reliant, independent, reflective and sensitive. That’s something to celebrate.

Wearing a “mask” where you pretend to be an outgoing bubbly popular type is exhausting if you are an introvert. Learn how to relate to people without having to pretend to be something you are not.

When asked a question people expect a quick response. If you can’t give them one just look at them and say “give me five minutes to think this through will you?” and let them wait.

When I date extrovert men they interpret my quiet nature as me not having fun. One guy believed when we first met that I didn’t like him because I was so quiet. Now I actually tell men if I go quiet its mainly because I am having such a great time!

We may not be comfortable at being on stage in front of a thousand people but we are brilliant at organising it all.

Extroverts. An introvert may see you as “pushy”, “arrogant”, “bossy” – don’t take it personally, it says more about them than it does you!

Introverts are not easily impressed so talking about how many of the latest gadgets you have won’t engage us in conversation and we may even appear a little aloof. No we are not jealous. Just not interested.

Extroverts. Learning how to communicate with an introvert will save you hours of frustration and vice versa.

I have never dated an introvert man. When asked how come the only explanation I could think of is that I am a little old fashioned and like men to approach me. I don’t chase men. So I guess finding myself a great introvert will only be possible if I change that view.

Some of us are predisposed to want to look before we leap so if you need a decision made about a project make sure you allow time.

Introverts have been an amazing contribution to the world – just look at Mother Theresa and Ghandi.

We are a misunderstood group us introverts and we can use that as an excuse to limit our own potential. Once you are old enough to understand your personality you are old enough to learn how to manage it.

It’s really okay to be you – you are not weird!

If you stay true to yourself you will never end up dancing on tables but you will know how to have a great time.

Like it or not you are going to have to learn how to handle confrontation. Learn how to be more assertive.

You are a deep thinker and deep thinkers have the potential to change the world. That’s something worth celebrating.

Things don’t always have to be perfect. Give up perfectionism and embrace “good enough is good” – it will help you learn to relax a little.

We may not thrive well in teams but we absolutely can contribute. Introverts who are given the space to say what they think and given time to think about what they have to say make great team players.

Pretending to be an extrovert is not the answer.

I have been an introvert without confidence/shy and I am now an introvert who is okay with taking part and joining in. It is possible to move from one to another.

Stop apologising about who you are. I used to do this a lot “sorry, I’m shy…” or “sorry, I’m an introvert…” as if it was something to be sorry about.

People will accept you or they won’t – that’s their choice. Learn to be okay with it because it says very little about you and more about them as a person.

Learn how to ask for what you want. Life is easier when you can do that.

You are or have the potential to be a great listener – in a world full of talkers that is something to celebrate.

If you have spent most of your life telling yourself you are shy maybe it is time to end that inner conversation. If you are not uncomfortable talking to people but you never say much then you might just be an introvert but you are not shy. If you are uncomfortable then you need to work on your own personal development.

Treat your introvert child with respect and teach them that it is okay to be who they are. Show them how to celebrate being themselves by being a great example for them to follow.

If anyone complains about your child being “quiet” or a “loner” don’t get defensive or upset about it. Take 5-7 points from this blog post and remember them well – then repeat them to that person why being an introvert is a great way to be.

Learn how to adapt so you can be more open because life really is more fun.

Take time out for yourself and don’t ever feel guilty about it. There is nothing wrong with it and we get our best insights when we spend time in solitude.

The film “The Sixth Sense” provided a great insight into a sensitive, intuitive, loving, wonderful, misunderstood introvert who “sees dead people” – putting that aside for one second think about the actor who played the young boy. That is a great portrayal of an introvert child. While yours may not see dead people they are happy in their own world.

Becoming an extrovert is not the ‘antidote’ to being okay with yourself. Being able to have fun and be around people, while also being happy to be alone and with your own thoughts is a much better way to tackle it.

When I first started building my self confidence I thought I had to become an extravert (or at least pretend) and I trained to become a teacher of adult education. As I hated people looking at me I figured if I put myself in front of people I will have to “get over it” – this is a little like throwing a non-swimmer into water and shouting “swim!” – it works but it is not always the best or easiest way to go about things.

Being an introvert shouldn’t stop you from becoming famous. Famous introverts include Clint Eastwood, Meryl Streep, and Laurence Fishburne.

Personal growth is your friend. The more you learn about yourself the more you will learn to love who you are.

You are sensitive and that’s okay. Just learn how to take constructive feedback and see it as a chance to be a better person.

The silent and moody treatment when you don’t get your own way or you don’t get your needs met is more of a turnoff than a turn on so learn how to assertively express yourself so you can say what you want to say.

Let go of all your grudges. Holding a grudge says more about you than it does the other person. They have probably forgotten about it already. If something upset you let the person know.

We don’t often get seen as happy people but we have the potential to be. Spend time thinking about what makes you happy and do more of it.

Don’t be intimidated by extroverts – they have their own set of issues.

Take yourself out of your comfort zone and do things that challenge you like organise an event or start a group.

We are more likely to be on the honor roll than on the cheer leading squad – be okay with that.

Being away from the group helps us feel a sense of security. Give us that space to not have lunch with our team members without making it mean we are not a ‘team player’.

Be polite. Be assertive. Ask that colleague that stops you from working to just BE QUIET! (respectfully)

The fact that I don’t talk to you is NOT because I consider myself too good to talk to you. It is because I don’t know how and/or I need time to get to know you.

Believe it or not introverts we do intimidate people sometimes with our quiet, thinking ways. They see it as us being snobby and arrogant but that has more to do with them than us. Don’t let that change who you are.

Two introverts in love can stay in all the time, watch movies and have fun together but at some point its also nice to look up and see what’s happening in the world around you. Don’t allow your love of alone time to cut you off from the world.

Extroverts stop judging us. Stop imposing your expectations of how we should behave upon us. Introverts learn to ignore what others expect of you and stop letting it get to you.

We don’t need extroverts to adjust their thinking about who we are. We need to embrace who we are so they can see we have adjusted our thinking. Only then can things change.

It is not rejection if someone says no. They have just said no – deal with it and be okay with it.

It is not rejection if you say no to someone. You are just saying no – learn how to be able to say no to people and be okay with it.

In a group conversation it is highly likely that an introvert is sitting there with a lot to say but they are saying it in their head. They are thinking about how they will respond. Introvert – say those thoughts out loud so you can contribute to the group.

Being an introvert is an inside job. Everything we do comes from the inside out. When you learn how to use that for your own personal growth you will experience real love and affection for yourself. When you don’t you experience an inner prison that will keep you stuck.

Chances are there is something you want to share with the world either through words, paint or music. Let it out – people are waiting. It took me 35 years to finally say “what the hell” and promote my first eBook. Now I have written a few of them.

Some people will love what you do and others will hate it. That is a natural part of life for everyone who chooses to share their work with the world (or even their friends and family) – it is really easy to hide it rather than risk being the subject of negative criticism but then you “die with the music still inside you” – let it out, set it free, in the process you free yourself.

If you find being around extroverts at work a daily source of stress for you then learn how to manage that. Let them know you need to take yourself away for your own piece of mind and sanity. Its not them… its you (people love that one!)

Stop blaming the extrovert for your feelings of “tension” – no one can make you feel inferior or bad about yourself unless you let them. Recognise it is not about what the other person is doing but the meaning you assign to what was done.

Pretending to be chatty and talk more really isn’t necessary in social situations no matter what anyone says.

Extroverts do NOT have to modify their behaviour. You need to stop thinking that you’re life will be okay if an extrovert will only learn to “get” you – here’s the news – they may never get us. Be okay with that and learn how to manage what people do so it doesn’t have such a traumatic effect on you.

Are you sure you sent that email or left that important phone message? Some of us have a habit of being so much in our own world that we think about our responses to emails and we say them to ourselves but we actually forget to write it out and send it! Learn how to be in the present moment and get things done.

If like me you have spent years walking away from a conversation only to think “if only I had said that” give yourself a break. Either you will learn to contribute to a discussion as it happens (and it is worth learning how) or you won’t but continually going over what you coulda, woulda, shoulda said or done is futile.

We are passionate people when you engage us in conversations about topics or things we love. Introverts be willing to share more about your passions. If you are looking to get to know more about an introvert find out if they have a passion and give them the space to talk freely about it.

If you are tired of hearing that there is something wrong with us simply because we are introverts then give up thinking there is something wrong with you simply because you are an introvert.

Never let anyone tell you they know how you need to behave.

This may come of somewhat of a relief for you to know but you are not alone. There are millions of us out there who all fall under the banner of being an “introvert” – you really are normal.

Introverts can be seen as the biggest oxymoron around because we want to be alone but we love you and want you with us.

Don’t take the weight of the world on to your shoulders – sometimes life just doesn’t work out the way we want it to. Keep going and try again.

Loosen up and don’t take yourself so seriously all the time.

Extraverts are NOT happier than introverts. Both can find themselves living a happy or unhappy life based on the choices they make.

It is easy to over compensate at parties and become the “smart girl” or the “funny girl” – next time you go to a party try just being “the girl” and see how people deal with it.

To an extrovert with a lack of self confidence you are an easy target. They will put you down and make fun of you so they can feel better about themselves. That says more about them than it does you.

Introverts will resist doing new things and putting themselves into certain situations but when pushed by their extravert friends/partners to do it they love it. That is one of the frustrating things about knowing introverts!

The world needs balance to keep going. Hot and cold, dark and light, introverts and extroverts. Let’s stop loving one over another – it is like favouring one child over another. We both have our qualities and life is far more interesting when we are both allowed to express them.

Stop thinking there is no such thing as a shy extrovert because there is – being an introvert has nothing to do with being shy (hopefully you understand that now) and everything to do with how we relate to people and where our energy comes from.

Introverts aren’t unhappy because they are forced to live in an extroverts world but it can be used as a great excuse for keeping yourself unhappy. Neither are introverts unhappy because extraverts force us into feeling bad about ourselves. If you are saying stuff like that it is time to stop with the excuses. No one can make you feel inferior unless you allow them to – learn how to feel great about being you.

Only extroverts are successful. Seriously? If you believe that get a grip. Look up famous introverts online and I think you will find there are plenty of them out there.

Introverts. You do have some extrovert in you and it doesn’t always have to come out as a result of too much alcohol! Learn how to embrace the extrovert in you and enjoy expressing that from time to time.

So, there you have it. 101 things you need to know whether you are an introvert or you know one.

DOWNLOAD THE PDF

You can download the PDF by Liking our Facebook Page and if you are a member of our free self confidence group you will find it in there too. You will find a copy of the PDF in both places.

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I took my first Myer Briggs test when I was over 30 and discovered the word “introvert” – it was a word given to people who are naturally quiet, thinkers who don’t need to be the life and soul of the party and who don’t even need to be at the party because they would rather be at home! People who enjoy solitude, are observers, listeners and very hard to impress.

I can’t recall the exact moment when the light bulb went off and I realised that I am not in fact shy at all but an introvert. It was a label I was happy to adopt. Today in a LinkedIn group I belong to one of the members (Jacky Sherman) shared an article that appeared on a website called Scientific American about a book which focuses on the power of introverts.

The Power of Introverts: A Manifesto for Quiet Brilliance.
Source : Scientific American

Video: CBS News – Interview

If you lack self confidence and believe you are shy you may want to stop and challenge that belief you have about yourself. There is a very strong difference between an introvert and someone who is shy. When I was shy I was uncomfortable talking to and meeting new people, I wasn’t comfortable in social situations, I feared them and I couldn’t wait to get out of them.

As an introvert I can start and hold a conversation with just about anyone, I am happy to be around people however I am much happier at home on my own or with family and close friends.

If friends or family come round to stay I can’t wait for them to leave. Not because I don’t love them but because I prefer to be in my own space.

If I had a choice between a New Year’s eve party full of people I don’t know and a night in with my kids and partner the night in will always win with me…. which is probably why I enjoy dating extroverts because they will drag me out!

I have been called “aloof” and “anti social” as well as shy – although for some reason I quite enjoy being known as aloof. Being cool and distant really does piss people off and at least it means I get left in peace!

Men (who are looking to chat me up) have told me they found it difficult to approach me. Those that are brave enough to actually talk to me are then completely surprised that I am a really friendly and warm person to talk with. At one point I did wonder if it was my facial expression and whether I looked as if I would kill anyone who dare approach me. I did try smiling more but that just got me into a different kind of “trouble” with men who believe a woman smiling at them is a signal for all kinds of stuff.

I listen carefully and I hear people. Really hear them. I connect with them because I remember the little things they say and that means a lot to them. I am always told I am easy to talk to (probably because I let the other person do all the talking) and that I am a good listener.

So… do you recognise yourself in any of that? If you Google “what is an introvert?” what you will find will list many of these traits as typical introvert behaviour.

As I worked on building self confidence I began to move away from being introverted and tried to become an extrovert hoping that eventually it would “rub off” on me but I wasn’t being true to myself.  After all I had managed to fake self confidence until I felt more confident so I thought this would work too but it never did and eventually I realised I am going to have to be comfortable being an introvert. I had people talk about my “powerful presence” and my “calming influence” – I saw these as positive introvert traits that I possess.

Famous Introverts

I did a little research on famous introverts and was amazed to find that I actually admire and love many of the people who appeared on different lists. Maybe I have a natural introvert radar – it included people like

• Gandhi
• Meryl Streep
• Diane Keaton
• Audrey Hepburn
• Clint Eastwood
• Michael Jordan
• Bill Gates

Mother Theresa didn’t come up as an introvert but it wouldn’t surprise me if she was one too.

Maybe you are shy, or perhaps you could be an introvert trapped in a shy woman’s labelled body and you just need to be okay with being you. Remember, as long as their is fear present when you think about meeting people or going to social situations then there is some work to do towards building self confidence.

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They themselves are makers of themselves by virtue of the thoughts which they choose and encourage; that mind is the master weaver, both of the inner garment of character and the outer garment of circumstance, and that, as they may have hitherto woven in ignorance and pain they may now weave in enlightenment and happiness.

James Allen

Here’s is the line that you need to pay particular attention to

“as they may have hiterto woven in ignorance and pain they may now weave in enlightenment and happiness”

Until now you may have woven in pain through the words that you use and the good news is you can change that by deciding to think different thoughts, speak different words and “weave in enlightenment and happiness” to your life.

When I realised that my life was the way it was because of the thoughts I had and the words I used it was a big moment of self discovery for me. At first I struggled to believe that I could build self confidence and change my life by simply changing my thoughts and words but it really did happen. Unfortunately, while it is simple as a process it isn’t always that easy to practice. When negative thoughts were continually playing over and over in my head learning how to stop them (because at the time that is what I thought I had to do) seemed like an uphill battle.

I think the important thing to remember is this journey is not about stopping, fixing, getting rid of what we do but instead learning how to manage, work through, take action despite and change small aspects of who we are step by step until those small steps make a major difference. I can even say that I have silenced many parts of my negative thoughts but it took several years to do that and lots of learning about myself through books and seminars.

Do you know about the power of using affirmations?

How have I managed my negative thoughts? One negative thought at a time. I took the negative thought that was having the biggest impact on my life, the one that was causing the most damage to me because it limited how much I would and wouldn’t do in life. I wish I could tell you exactly which negative thought it was but I had so many and I worked through so much that I truthfully can’t.

I do know that believing I was ugly was a big one for me. At 16 when I met someone who wanted to date me I just wasn’t sure what it was he wanted from me because he couldn’t possibly think I was attractive. At age 25 when I started working on my self confidence I decided it was time to work on the way I felt about myself and it took at least five years before I could look in the mirror and believe in my heart that I am a beautiful woman.

Negative thoughts destroy and waste life. From a young age of 13-14 up to the age of 25 I spent my time believing I was ugly and that stopped me going out and it stopped me engaging in relationships. It just stopped me full stop!

Which negative thought are having the biggest impact on your life right now?  If you care to share leave a comment below. If you aren’t sure take a look at what isn’t working in your life and see what thoughts you have about that particular area and you will gain some great insights.

When you are ready to tackle those thoughts I recommend learning how to write and use affirmations to help you. The power of affirmations will really support you in writing out more positive and empowering thoughts, while feeling a connection to them so that as a woman thinketh so shall she be.

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Here’s a great video I found on being assertive that is actually quite funny and it explains how to be assertive so you can get your point across without anger and without giving in to the other person.

Here are my top tips for being a more assertive woman

1. Just like confidence building your assertive skills is going to take time and patience. You are not always going to get it right on the first try and the key is to keep focusing on what does and doesn not work until you find your own routine for asking for what you want.

2. You need to be ready to change your mindset. Assertiveness is a state of mind just like self-confidence. Yes, learning techniques will help but ultimately you need to work on

3. You must be open and willing to take action. You can not simply learn asssertiveness and become more assertive by doing nothing with it. You have to be ready to step out of your comfort zone and say things that you have wanted to say for a long time. People will be familiar with you one way, maybe they see you as a “yes” woman who wil take on anything and now you have to let them know you will not always be saying “yes”. It is going to take some adjustment so be ready for resistance.

4. See your mistakes and errors as things that need to be improved upon. You will definitely mess up when you first start using your assertiveness skills. Situations won’t always go your way and you may even give in from time to time. Remember, this is all about progress and with each attempt you will find yourself growing stronger as long as you see your mistakes as events to learn something from not beat yourself up about.

5. Keep a record of your progress. When you begin to work towards your new assertive self it will help you to write things down and plan things out so having a journal is a great investment, it doesn’t have to be anything flash – a simple exercise book will do. Keep all your thoughts in there, how you are feeling about approaching someone for the first time, how everything went, the things you have found out about yourself and everything you feel is worth writing in it. When you look through it months or even years later you will be surprised at just how different you are now because you took the time to use what you learn and implement it into your life.

If you know your lack of self confidence comes from being too passive or too aggressive click the link to download a copy of my eBook A Beginners Guide To Assertiveness – How to respectfully get your own way to help you correct that and be confidently assertive.n

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I won’t hit you with all the clichés here! You know the ones I mean. A ship without a sail, a house without foundations, an aeroplane without a pilot type clichés that are all used to tell you the same thing. Lacking vision kills self confidence so you must know where you are going if you want to be sure that you get there!

Having a clear direction to go in, feeling the emotional high when life has purpose, being focused on your desires, these are all things that provide excitement, fulfilment, peace and happiness to life.

It doesn’t mean you then stay moving in this direction forever. Your direction will change as you grow and you will gain the strength to flow with it if you are willing to.

What is your vision? It could be a personal one for yourself and your life, or it could be a professional one for your business. What do you want to accomplish by the end of 2012? 2015? 2020? Do you know yet?

Are you working towards a vision for your life? If not, why not. If you are hoping that you will get a magical answer that will instantly provide you with the answers you seek then I have some good news and some bad news!

The bad news is there is no magical answer!

The good news is, the best person to tell you what the vision for your life is, is you! Yes, that’s right, not the book on how to do it (although it provides great guidance), but you.

Inside you is the answer you seek, all you need to do is begin to listen to it. And here’s some more good news. Your purpose isn’t something you work towards achieving; it is something that lives in your life every single day.

So where ever you are in life right now, that is your purpose, yes you heard me, no matter what emotional turmoil you are in right now you are living your life’s vision. You may not have connected with it fully or it may not be going along the path that you want it to and that is why there is turmoil, but it is alive and well within you. All you need to do is apply  focus and concentration to help you bring it out t so you are living it every day.

It really is time for you to take back your power. Stop thinking the book will give it to you, stop thinking your Life Coach will give it to you, stop thinking the seminar leader will give it to you. They are just tools, facilitators, catalysts that are there to help you bring it out of yourself.

If you believe “You don’t know” your vision can I invite you to stop lying to yourself. Yes you do. You always have. You may not know how to bring it out of yourself, or articulate it, now that’s something different. But you know what it is.

Are you using “I don’t know” as a way to stay stuck? To ensure you never have to work towards achieving anything, but that you have a great excuse and reason why not?

The question here is “Am I ready to connect to my vision?”

Staying Focused

Focus is the other area that I struggled with moving from one vision to another, thinking that the thing I was working on at that time “is it” only to discover years later that I was unfulfilled and searching again. Once I accepted my role as ‘teacher’ and someone who loves to help people through confusion a vision for my life became easier. I was always doing that in life anyway, it was something that came naturally to me. The way I choose to do that is to write blog posts and create eBooks and audios that help me get my message out online to a wider audience.

When you have found what you love to do, when you have connected with what you are passionate about, every action you need to take is easy. It’s easy, its fun and you love it. You wouldn’t want to do anything else.

But hey, relax, remember this is a journey, and the journey would be far too easy if we all just hit upon what we love instantly. The important thing is you are doing something about being unhappy. You are, aren’t you?

Having your own confidence building life coach can make a difference to your life, get in touch to discover how.

It took me a long time to relax about what my purpose was and whether I was working towards it. I began to feel as if I would never find it until  I realised that it is whatever I define it to be. I find when I treat my whole life that way I can relax a lot more because it is all up to me. The trouble is when you lack self confidence it can be difficult to see it that way and I really did believe someone else held the key to helping me define who I was and what my purpose in life was.

I was lost, confused and adrift. You will be amazed at how much peace and clarity comes from deciding that you really can choose to define this for yourself and relax about it all.

Our eBook Mastering Concentration will help you apply your focus and attention to getting more done. Click the link to get your copy.

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When I was desperate for my life to change I wanted everything that was wrong with me to magically disappear overnight. Eventually for my own piece of mind I had to accept that some things were going to take longer to work through and learn how to manage than others.

Little things like being able to speak up in a meeting I managed to work through in weeks. Other things like sabotaging my success took a lot longer and I discovered different ways I sabotaged my life. Every time I thought I had dealt with it I would find another way. It was like I peeled back a new layer of myself with each find but there was so much to do.

When I talk to people at events I usually get someone who will say to me “I tried for a while but it didn’t work” and that is their reason or justification for giving up or they may say “shouldn’t it be gone by now?” as if somehow we magically get rid of what is wrong with us when the truth is for the most part we learn to manage it or work through it – but waiting to remove it will require a long wait.

Let’s have a reality check here shall we. When you spend 10, 15, 30 years thinking and behaving a certain way, your way of being does not magically shift overnight. Now whilst I am an optimist and I believe that anything is possible, even I have a limit on this one!!!!

Changing your mindset takes time, it takes dedication, discipline and patience. Taking yourself from negative thinking to self confidence is a journey. All learning goes through stages called the “Conscious Competence Learning Model!” Here are the stages:

1. Unconscious Incompetence – you are a 2 year old child and you cannot tie your shoe laces, but you don’t know that you cannot tie your shoe laces and it is not important to you.

2. Unconscious Competence – Now you are 5 years old, and you watch your dad and older brother tie their shoe laces and you realise that there is something to this shoe lace thing. Now you want to learn how to tie yours!

3. Conscious Incompetence – Now you are 6 and you have been practising how to tie your shoe laces and you can do it but you still need to think real hard about it. It doesn’t come naturally all the time.

4. Conscious Competence – You are now 10 years old and you tie your shoe laces without thinking about it and get on with your day.

The question here is “What action(s) am I ready to take to ensure I effortlessly move through these stages with every new learning experience?”

When you decide to build your self confidence you will go through the same stages. How quickly you move through them will depend on your willingness to learn. If you read a book a year chances are it will take you a long time. If you read a book a month, listen to audios, attend seminars and take action to implement what you learn chances are you will move through them very quickly.

You may spend years between conscious incompetence and conscious competence – between having to think about what you need to do and being able to do it easily without any conscious thought. Again, the key here is to be patient with yourself. The switch from one to the other will happen, you may not even be aware of when it does but with patience it will take place.

You Manage You Don’t Always Remove

When I first started building my self confidence I wanted to fix myself. I was hoping that being shy would disappear and I would never suffer from it again. The truth is with many of our internal limits we learn to work through them and/or manage them but we don’t always remove them – although overtime we can. I can truly say that being shy isn’t something that bothers me anymore but it took 20 years for that to happen.

When it comes to limiting myself through negative thinking if I allowed it to it can still happen. The difference is I refuse to allow it or even entertain it. Should a negative thought enter my head I know what to do to immediately remove it. I remove the thought but I may not remove my mind’s need to go to the negative at times.

When you build your self confidence you do learn the tools to help you “feel the fear and do it anyway” to quote the title of a great book (that everyone should read!) and it is important that you accept that the same issue may always raise its ugly head from time to time. Every time it does there is something new you will learn about yourself if you are open to doing that.

So if you set yourself a goal and hear yourself say “it is not going to work” take a look at whether you have planned enough. Are you in touch with the right people? Have you done everything you could possibly do to ensure this “will work!” – your negative thoughts may be trying to protect you from things going wrong so take a look at what else you need to do to make yourself believe that it will work.  Decide that your feelings of something not working are in fact signals that there may be more that you can do. See your old ways of being as a signal to tell you that something may need to change, or you may have missed something out.

Usually, when people are upset, it is because there is a way they want things to be. If you are upset, use that as a signal that’s telling you there is a way you want something done, or there is something you need to say. Begin to use these emotional signals to your advantage, create a different perspective for yourself. If you find that actually it is just you being stuck in your old ways, be gentle with yourself, affirm your commitment to think and behave differently, and then work towards that.

Be patient with yourself and you will be rewarded.

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This has was a huge, gigantic barrier for me right from the start because I grew up believing that I was not good enough and even now, 20 years later, I can find myself having to work through and overcome this feeling of not being “good enough!” if I find it is behind me not achieving a goal I set myself.  The difference is now I work through it fairly quickly, it took time to learn how to do that and writing out and using affirmations was definitely a key in helping me.

Thinking, feeling and believing that you are not good enough is confidence enemy number 1! You need to make a commitment to actively seek personal and professional help to overcome it. The personal help can come from listening to audios and reading books that support you in working through this as I mentioned in the last blog post on killing self confidence with a lack of support.

The professional help can come from attending workshops (e.g. Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life or Landmark Education’s course ‘The Forum’) and even taking on your own life coach to support you. The great thing is you will meet people all working towards the same goal. Some of these people will become part of your network of people who are all looking for bigger and better things. Overcoming this belief is a work in progress, but the reward far outweighs the “work”

The question here is “How long have I believed I am not good enough and what am I going to do to change this story?”

I want to end this with a plea. If you are a woman with children please watch what you say to them, children are literal creatures and will believe every thought you put in their head.

Please nourish them with positive affirmations about being capable, lovable and able to succeed at whatever they put their minds too. And please no longer allow other people to indulge in calling your child(ren) names. Not even the little pet “you clumsy thing, you” that Grandparents may lovingly say when they drop the plate of cookies.

Growing up believing you are not good enough is one of the most damaging things to go through. Having said that, when you are willing to work through it, it can provide you with the energy to be the best that you can be; that’s what it did for me.

Need Support?

Our growing range of personal growth eBooks will help you build self confidence. If you think you are not good enough and you want to start working to overcome that you can do two things.

1. Learn how to write and use affirmations

2. Learn how to be more assertive

Click the links above to buy your copy of these eBooks and begin the journey of changing your life.

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In life things don’t always go the way we had hoped and sometimes we may even wish that we had done things differently. It is always good to take a long hard look at the impact our actions have in our life and on other people because you gain a number of insights doing this kind of self reflection.  Once you learn from your mistake the next step is to look at what you will do differently next time and how you can learn from your mistakes.

Then finally, the thing to do so you don’t waste your life on regrets is to LET IT GO and forgive yourself! Let go of the past, focus on what’s great in your life right now, and create a compelling future for what will be. Every minute, hour, week, month and year you waste on blaming, shaming, criticising and regret does nothing but reduce the happiness you can experience in your own life. It robs you of your passion to move forward and look at “what’s next?”

The question here is “What stories can I give up about events in the past, the giving up of which will help me to move forward?”

I regret that allowed myself to get in a financial mess and I had to sell my house but it was the only way to get myself out. I didn’t end up with any cash. I literally started again at zero but at least I had the opportunity to do that. For months afterwards as life continued to move forward and I looked at how I was going to come back from this I wanted to focus on what I had lost but I knew doing that meant I would miss the opportunities in front of me.

I remember a quote from someone that went something along the lines of “when you keep looking to the past and longing for everything you have lost you miss out on what’s ahead, in the future.”

I knew that I wanted to rebuild and I knew I had the strength and ability to do that. I focused on everything great that will come from not having a mortgage like paying off most of what I owe and being free from all debts/financial ties. At one point I literally had no financial responsibilities – I am not talking about the little things like gas, electricity and water – I had to pay those but the big things like a car payment, or a cell phone payment and a mortgage. All of it was paid off and gone. That was a huge blessing to me and I felt completely free.

It is a feeling I have wanted to keep with me over the years because I know it will leave me free to travel without having to use things like my house, car or other commitment to weigh me down and keep me stuck. My children are my only tie to being in the UK right now and I love that freedom too  – the thought of belonging no place but everywhere.

Take a long hard look at the business deals that didn’t work out, the partner that you didn’t support, the people that “did stuff to you.” Are you ready to let it all go? This is not about blame. Maybe what they did was wrong, but when you continually focus on it that will not make it right, or change what happened. Is it time to find another way?

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a big key here. Forgiving yourself and forgiving other people. In the past I refused to look at this area because as far as I was concerned things happened that were not my fault and I refused to say I forgive the person.

The more I thought about these events the more they ate away at me slowly. Refusing to forgive really can limit your own personal growth and here is an important lesson that I discovered.

When you forgive someone you are not saying “what you did was okay” you are saying “I am going to release my need to keep focusing on this”

Forgiveness is more for you than it is for the other person. You can choose to say you forgive them or not – that is your choice but what you do when you forgive is release all the internal anger and mental anguish you are experiencing when you continue to think and talk about different events that have happened to you.

This is a huge area so you may want to think about reading a book on forgiveness as a way to help you because it really is a big part of being confident. You really can’t expect others to forgive you if you can not forgive yourself and you can never truly be at peace if you hold on to all those negative thoughts and the anger they bring up inside you. At some point you have to let go.

Learning about the power of forgiveness was a major milestone for me and sometimes an event will still repeat itself in my head and I have to forgive them, forgive myself and then forgive myself again for continuing to think about it. I release it and I let it go because I know that holding on to it is a little like drinking poison that fills my body and expecting the other person to die.

Forgiveness is for you. You forgive so you can let go. When you let you your life is filled with a sense of peace and tranquillity that you will never believe and that I can never describe. It is something worth working towards so you can experience it too.

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One of the reasons I decided to train as a Life Coach was because of the way it moved me towards my goals so quickly. The other was the support it provided. At first I didn’t even think about taking on clients, I just wanted to use the tools and support myself to change my life. When I did start taking on clients I found being in a group full of other life coaches helped me to stay focused.

When you set yourself a goal to build your self-confidence there are a number of different ways to can gain support for yourself. Here are a few ways that I used:

1. Invest in training

Whether it is a free weekend (you don’t have to buy anything), a $5 eBook or a $10,000 weekend retreat if you are serious about building your self confidence you can support yourself by investing in books, audios, DVDs, workshops and seminars that will help you – especially at the beginning. I would not be where I am now if it wasn’t for all the training I decided to undertake – some of it was as simple as following the exercises in a book I bought and others were far more intensive. Whatever you use you need training.

2. Meet up with other people

Nothing is better than having your own social support networking whether it includes a few friends, work colleagues or people you meet online in a social network group. You want to hang out with other people who are interested in developing themselves because it will give you a place to ask questions and seek advice. Just being around other positive people can be enough to lift your spirits.

When I wanted to become a speaker I joined a Toastmasters group, when I wanted to build my online business  I joined a mastermind group – actually I have been part of a few over the years – there are all kinds of groups you can join and the support is usually brilliant. You will make some really strong connections with the people you meet.

3. Have professional one-to-one support

When you are working on a specific goal that you want to achieve the one-to-one support of a professional can really help you. To get rid of deeper inner issues you may seek out a hypnotherapist or counselor.  If you want support with staying focused on achieving a goal you may take on your own life coach to help you.  Yes, you can use a friend or work colleague in a buddy system if you want to do that but having professional one-to-one support will help you work through any limits you may have quicker. I spent a year working with a spiritual life coach who taught me things about myself that helped me to change the way I thought about life. One of the biggest lessons I needed to learn focused on the illusions of fear and doubt – too heavy to get into now but for me it was a real eye opener for me and something I may have never discovered if it wasn’t for my coach.

When you set big goals for yourself you need support to help you achieve them, what you need is positive, affirming support from either a group or professional support. Mastermind Groups or Mastermind Alliances as they are sometimes known are one of the best ways.  This group will be a network of people who see more in you than you see in yourself.  They will be big thinkers, supporters, like minded people that you can rely on to hold up the highest vision of who you are.

The question here is “Where can I find an alliance that will support me in achieving my dreams?”

Knowing that you have your own alliance that is available to you whenever you find yourself in need of motivation, or experiencing a challenge, or when you just want to share a success is an important and worthwhile investment of your time and money.

We have a range of personal development eBooks that will help you learn how to build self confidence. Take a look and see if any of them can support you:

http://inspirationalguidance.com/store/products/

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