The genie thought for a few minutes and said, “No, I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask.”

I think the most difficult part of understanding women is, just when you start to settle in and get the hang of ‘it’, ‘it’ changes.  Like most guys, I wanna be able to just put the relationship on cruise control to maintain it.  I don’t think about upgrading it, or enhancing it.  Oh, but not my wife.  She will want us to GROW! Do I really have to completely ‘get it’ before I can have a good relationship?

I’ll let you in on a little secret I’ve discovered over the years.  I’ve discovered my wife doesn’t need me to solve the problems or the dilemmas she’s facing.  She just needs to know I’m interested and with her while she deals with them.  She’s plenty competent and capable, and she has been since long before she met me.  When she knows I’m tuned in and in her corner, she’s freed up to tackle just about anything. 

So here’s the deal.  Feel like you need to understand your wife (or girlfriend) fully in order to be effective with her?  Give it up!  Wanna know the secret to keeping her happy?  Quit trying to figure her out.  It’s too exhausting.  Instead, when she needs to talk, just take time to listen to her.  Listen, and don’t interrupt, correct, or try to fix.  Bite your tongue.  Nod periodically and make eye contact (quit glancing at the computer!!) while grunting periodically to show you’re tracking with her.  She’ll feel understood…, even if you don’t really fully understand.  Pretty simple assignment really.  Now Man Up and just do it!  Remember - Happy Wife; Happy Life!!   Oh yeah, by the way, we still have to take out the garbage and fix the leaky faucet!

"Sounds reel to me!"

They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word.  So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing, or Sex,” and she said, “Wear a sweater.”
MORAL OF THE STORY:  It’s always good to give our spouses options, and not make demands!

I’m not convinced that we ALWAYS need to give our spouses options, but I definitely know I do much better when my wife doesn’t just ‘let me know’ what she’s gonna be doing.  I feel respected when she chooses to consult me or consider any thoughts I might have about her plans (’cause they generally effect my plans too!).  It helps me see that I’m valued.  I want to treat her with the same respect, and ‘consult’ her before I make plans.

The big complaint I hear from guys is that they feel like they need her permission, and it feels like she’s trying to be his mom.  This ticks them off.  Hey fellas, she’s not your mom!  She’s your wife, and this is what marriage looks like when you choose to share life with a partner.   If you were partners in a business, you probably would be making sure your decisions were copescetic with your partner dude, and vice versa.   Seems like we can lose sight of this when we are feeling controlled or disrespected.  If that’s the case, TALK ABOUT IT WITH HER.  Don’t just go and grab a reel; get REAL!

So now I’d better get to helping my daughter with her homework first so I can go watch the game later….. (okaaay, it was Linda’s ’suggestion’!).

'Optrickle' Illusion: Teen or Parent?

A big hunk of recent brain research these days is telling us that the brain grows from back to front, and it is the center of the brain which is in the process of forming in early adolescence.  The middle of the brain is the part which handles emotions - go figure!  Interestingly enough, it is also the section which is responsible for bonding.  Our teen’s brains aren’t fully cooked yet!  Our job is to help them learn good responses; to learn what bonding looks and feels like; while the cement is still wet.  The question I’ve got to ask myself is, If my kid is still partly brain dead, do I think acting like that too sometimes will help him/her grow up?” 

If we’ll take time to get into our kids’ worlds it can help!  I know that, in my household, some 80% of the time, the kiddo at least outwardly has less than zero interest in spending time with me.  It’s a bummer.  What ever happened to that little girl who could hardly wait to see me?  Overcoming those feelings of rejection takes work.  Three strategies I’m employing are:
1.  Plan to go places or do things together which they will still moan about, but do them anyway (i.e. run errands, watch a movie or, play a board game together, etc);
2.  Do things with them in their world (i.e. take them and their friends to a concert; play Wii, ask them to tell you about their music, get crushed by them in X-box, etc.);
3.  Make the most of your chauferring time in the car.  Turn the radio off and ask just one question, and then just LISTEN.
Oh yeah by the way, if you do these things and your kid still isn’t responsive, you’ve still succeeded. You didn’t quit.  You kept moving toward them.  And your efforts will mean something good down the road.

Dad’s who model what they want to see; who encourage instead of scream or humiliate; who have well thought out consequences for disrespectful behavior; these dad’s gain the love and respect of their kids.

One last thought, if we can just keep in perspective that these teens of ours are just passing through this stage.  When they get to the other side (for some it won’t be until age 25!), and they look back, they will remember their own knuckleheadedness.  What do we want them to recall when they think about how we acted? 

 I guess it’s time fo us to man up, eh?

Last Saturday, Greg and I has an opportunity to chat with Starr Hoyte, an ATM -Abstinence ‘Til Marriage - teacher.  Starr had some helpful hints for parents to make them more effective in helping their teens deal with adolescent sexuality. After all, she also told us that we parents are the #1 influence in our kids’ lives!

Starr recommended that parents avoid lecturing as much as possible.  They can do this by using humor, and by asking just a few questions, and then just drop it for a while.  Since Greg has such a disturbed sense of humor, I think he might actually do better if he lectured his kids into numbness.  Starr also suggested that we parents understand about STD’s (sexually transmitted diseases) so we can offer a little information to our kids and let the facts do the talking.  By the time we got done covering some of this, I realized that, though I’ve talked with my kid about some of this, I need to do it again, this time with a plan on how to be effective in mind!

Greg and I also think we should make sure our kids know how God feels about sex before marriage.  It’s not so much about preaching at them as it is helping them understand we find our source of fulfillment in life by following God.  1 Corinthians 6 offers some wonderful reminders of how to hanlde sexual intimacy in ways that please God.

For more information for parents, or for info on ATM, check out www.missthemess.com.

Our Man Up takeaways included:

1. The more you need for them to know, make sure you LISTEN! - know their world, their friends, their interests. 
2. Before you  seek to be understood, make sure you seek first to understand… their thoughts and feelings.  Don’t discount these, even when you disagree with them.
3. Despite how awkward it can feel for both you and for them, make sure you go and really have ‘The Talk’.  And remember that, as they grow, it’s ok to keep checking in with them on this topic.

Okay guys, now it’s up to us to go do it- that is, to talk to our kids!

For instance, let’s say a guy is “falling in love” with someone who he’s only been out with a handful of times because she’s hot and fun. He says she’s his “type”, yet he doesn’t even really know her. Who can really know someone after a few evenings out? He’s not met her friends, family, or seen her when she’s mad or disappointed or some other not-so-fun emotion. In other words, this guy is getting emotionally further into the relationship than his brain has info to support. Most likely, the physical relationship is getting way ahead of other key areas - like trust and commitment - as well.

I’d recommend getting Van Epp’s book if you want to figure out how to prevent yourself from falling for that person who, at first, seems great - then turns out to be, well, a JERK!

Check out Kary’s book. It’s really a pretty decent read. It starts with the theory stuff in the beginning, then gets a little deeper, and then goes into the real-life messiness of faith in action. That’s where Kary shares some thought provoking and moving stories about real people living it out. Or, you can check out his blog - right this way… karyoberbrunner.com

I think my 14 year old daughter frequently dresses provocatively.  I’m not okay with this, but her mom tells her it’s okay to express her individuality. What should I do? 

Bob - I just want to know, who wears the pants in this family?

Greg - Well, maybe dad’s the only one, because mom and daughter can finally share clothes.

Bob - Part of the problem with today’s fashion is you pay so much for so little.

Greg – Some teen trends bear striking similarities to those of the 70’s street walker. Our current era champions unabashed self expression. Yet, some inhibitions need to be encouraged.

Bob – Unfortunately, some parents like their kid to look “more mature.” I’m not sure what that’s about, but I know kids are not emotionally ready to handle the advances they will attract from older kids when they dress provocatively. 

Greg – We are barraged with anti-modesty messages.  Opponents of modesty view it as an archaic fear-based devaluation of our bodies. Perhaps, for some, fear does motivate a Victorian fashion sense. We would suggest modesty be based on the rich beauty and splendor of human form and function.

Bob - Compare fine China and paper plates. One is for common everyday use. It’s relegated to the trash heap after holding the hotdog and chips. The other is for truly exclusive occasions and is maintained with great care.

Greg - We don’t serve tenderloin to dogs. Nor would we flash a stranger – or would we?

Bob - I imagine that one argument FOR the daughter wearing these outfits is that the girl is just a kid and clothes don’t compromise her innocence.

Greg - For most girls, it’s not about trolling, but about feeling cute and pretty. It’s about wearing fun and trendy clothes.

Bob - But it is about being noticed, too. Clothes serve as an attention magnet for girls (and boys). However, when you put meat in a tigers den, you may attract more than flies.

Greg - How will teenagers figure this stuff out? Well, kids do not only take cues from friends. Research shows that mom and dad are the most influential forces in a kid’s life (yes, even teenagers!)

Bob - So if mom, dad or the caregiver won’t teach modesty, who will?

Greg - It certainly won’t be A&F! We can’t expect adults at school or even church to model this message, either.  Modesty is such a counter-cultural choice - especially for girls in the 12 to 25 age range.

Bob - So what about the argument that the girl should wear whatever she wants, and it’s the guy’s problem if he’s a lusting voyeur?

Greg - In 2005, 20 year old British Prince Harry wore a Nazi swastika to a costume party as a joke. He didn’t intend to prompt the ensuing outcry. Did Harry have some responsibility to the viewers of his costume? Answer it how you want, but the Prince made an apology and, I imagine, won’t be seen wearing Nazi gear again. He learned a hard lesson.

Bob - What lessons do we want our little girls (and boys) to learn?
**********************************************************
Greg and I have both explained to our own daughters that, in their attempts to look attractive and get noticed,  they are being noticed by a lot more than just those hot guys they hope will see them.  They are being ogled and  undressed by the so-called loser guys they think are gross too.  This also applies to not only those boys, but the old men hanging around the pool or the school as well.  Our girls may not fully believe us right now, but they have at least begun to hear the truth about how their choices of dress realistically effect many males.

Think of it like we think of skin cancer - the more that is revealed, the more likely it is to get burned.  We’ve decided the solution to all of this is simple- BURLAP!  We want to start a new fashion trend, anchored in lots and lots of burlap.

One last thought.  Parents remember it is not our job to be liked, nor to be their friend.  Our goal is not the words of appreciation and agreement we hear from them in these teen years, but rather those we hear from them when they too are adults.

In a society which is increasingly tolerant of sexual exploitation (and just about everything else - except, of course, for those who have conservative values), men are becoming increasingly laissez-faire about porn.  “Objectifying women - Hmmm, now that ought to help me, as a real man,  to develop really good interpersonal attitudes and skills which will prepare me for a life long successful relationship with a woman!” Unfortunately, most of us men aren’t thinking rationally with the correct head when we permit ourselves to get sucked into looking at porn.

There is a wonderful proverb in scripture which says something like, “Above all else, guard your heart; for out of it flows  the wellspring of life.” Aside from being a shameless subliminal plug for my counseling practice, there is vital truth here.  What we put into our minds makes the journey down into our hearts and can never be totally erased.  Images, once consumed and digested, subconsciously linger and will forever haunt our future expectations of, and attitudes towards women. We cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube.  (That’s probably not the best analogy…)  How about, “Garbage in, garbage out.” - what we put in our minds comes out in our attitudes and relationships.

And don’t get me started on those who say using porn while in the bedroom with your spouse will ’spice up’ your sex life!  Let’s see:  Wanna make a woman feel good about herself & feel cherished?  Then by all means look at images of other women so you are not thinking of her when you are engaged in the most intimate and vulnerable state two people can share.  That’ll provide just the boost your quietly eroding relationship needs!  We men are good at compartmentalizing (oooh, that’s my really big word for the day!), which is another way of saying we pretend what we are doing sexually in our minds and with our bodies will not affect our real life relationships.  Sounds kinda ridiculous when you see it in print, now doesn’t it?

Want help?:  Tell another man your struggles and get some accountability before it consumes you (and it will eventually!).  You are not alone in this struggle.  Good men struggle with temptation.
If you think she can handle it, tell your partner about your struggle and ask her to check with you periodically about it.  Look her in the eyes when she asks you about it, and when you respond.  Team up against the problem!

Put the computer in a high traffic area of the home (no Greg, not the driveway!) where others can walk by at any moment.  Go to bed at the same time your wife does.  Late nights are the toughest times for many guys.  Idleness is the devil’s playground.  Get a good porn blocker like those at wisechoice.net or safefamilies.org. Wanna good read which can help?  Check out “Every Man’s Battle” by Arterburn, Stoker and Yorkey.

All of this to say, don’t believe the lie that pornography is not a threat to you and me as men; as image bearers.  The lust we all have at varying levels is a reality we need to bring into the open so we can work together on it, without shame.