Bi-Continental B-Movie Writers

This Is Why It's Called Development Hell

2009-04-22T06:17:00.003+08:00

Hi. Long time no see. How you been? Yeah? Me? I've been OK, I guess. You know, same old, same old...

Oh who am I kidding.

Last week, my dream was momentarily crushed.

So you all (or you both, or maybe just "you") remember how I was working on a super-secret TV project with a hot big-name director who was gonna develop it and start selling it to networks who would have all jumped at the chance to work with this guy? Life was good.

We (me, My Manager, some other people on my side of the bill) were working with them (the big-name director and his underlings) for about six months. Sending drafts back and forth, getting notes, refining the script and treatment to fit their brand, etc. We were close. Actually, I thought we were done.

Turns out, all was not what it seemed.

The big-name director hadn't actually ever read any version of the script, or if he had, it was the earliest version, back when this started. After that, it was all Us and His Underlings. And His Underlings were developing (in our opinion, at times over-developing) the script with a fine-toothed comb. Then we got to a point where We and Them figured it was time to run our baby by the big-name director. So the big-name director took it home over a weekend, read the script, read the treatment, read the "this is what's really happening, but don't tell the audience" document, and came back to work on Monday.

And he told My Manager that, while he thought it was decent, it didn't really fire him up, and he was gonna pass. He had other projects that interested him more in his lap.

They walked away.

So, well, fuck.

Where does this leave the project? Well it's ours again, and we're gonna have a meeting of the minds, decide what version, or what part of each version, we want to keep, draft a new version and send it out again. There were other big-name directors interested six months ago (though none as big as this guy) so we'll see if they are still interested, and we'll see if we can get anyone else interested.

And the TV project will continue to exist in a little place known in Hollywood as Development Hell.

When is Technology 3.0 TOO interactive?

2009-03-19T11:55:00.006+08:00

Before heading back to China from my recent US visit, I became obsessed with Amazon's new Kindle 2.0 digital reader.

To a frequent traveler and overseas resident, it seemed like the perfect way to get American reading material. Sure, you can get books, but also newspapers and magazines as well. Mind you, GIANT HOOTERS MONTHLY isn't on the list yet, but I'll settle for Newsweek and Foreign Policy these days.

So I plunked down $300, bought a few books (to include Russell Brand's fantastic My Booky Wook), and subscribed to Newsweek and the Atlanta Journal Constitution. And, of course, having finally taking the plunge, I began a vigorous letter writing campaign to Jeff Bezos to demand inclusion of GIANT HOOTERS MONTHLY in the Kindle magazine store. So far no dice.

Anyhow... so far I really dig my Kindle. Every day I read the Atlanta news from back in the US, keep up to date on national goings-on with Newsweek, and am reading 2 novels at once (this from a reformed reader who'd turned, instead, to film and tv as my media of choice). I drag my Kindle everywhere.

So here's the killer bonus to having a Kindle: It's a better chick-magnet than a freaking dog or a baby. The minute I pull out the bloody thing I'm swarmed with people wanting to talk about it. And by people I mean people who read, which would by anyone with breasts, and (manageable collateral impact) old men. Everyone knows young guys don't read.

During my flight back to China I, no exaggeration, was approached by more than 20 random strangers, 19 of whom were female, wanting to look at the Kindle, talk about it, ask how I like it, etc.

Point here being... if you're a single guy (I'm not, so mostly this was just entertainment value for me) -- BUY A FREAKING KINDLE, STAT. You will meet more chicks than you can shake a stick at. Of course, if you're a single old lady, you may want to consider this, as well.

As long as we're on the subject of interactivity, I'd like to ask what the hell is up with Twitterholics?

Now, I'm more geek-inclined than most. I've been working in the internet industry since 1995, and have ridden the wave of nearly every nerdy innovation along the way... especially those that are social in nature. I blog (as you know). I facebook. And, driven by many of my friends Twittering, I recently decided to get on board that trend and open a Twitter account. I added a bunch of buddies, they added me, and a-Twitterin' I planned to go.

But here's the thing about "micro-blogging." People seem to broadcast their every action. Sure, I get promoting your business, or talking about especially noteworthy events in your life like you'd do on Facebook or in a blog (even if its periodic updates of the mundane). But I'm looking at Twitter and I see an ENDLESS, FREQUENTLY updated thread of human minutia that no one could possibly care about. Here's what my current TWITTER home page feed looks like:

FRED: Why is Charmin so expensive compared to Kroger brand?
FRED: Wiping...
SALLY: HAMBURGER HELPER KICKS ASS!
TONY: Relax, don't do it!
FRED: Pooping!!
FRED: Sitting down... seat is cold.
ELMER: How can you tell which Craigslist ads are hookers?
FRED: Closing bathroom door and locking.
SALLY: Hrmm... ground beef and an old onion.
TONY: The Reflex is an only child...
TONY: Too-raa-loo-raaa-loo-raaa-laaay
SALLY: What should I make for dinner?
FRED: Have to use toilet.
ELMER: Who wants to buy a '78 Pontiac Firebird?

Seriously. There isn't a drop of valuable information in that 1-hour's worth of posts, unless one's an 80's music fanatic or a fecaphile. Do I need this level of communication with my friends?!

Upon reflection, maybe my friends just suck. I know... I'll pull out my Kindle and make some new ones!!

Missing Chipper...

2009-03-12T12:02:00.000+08:00

As I write this, I'm en route from Atlanta back to Beijing.

There are lots of things I love about China, and Beijing. Frankly, its rapidly becoming one of my favorite places I've ever lived -- and I've lived in a lot of damn places. The people, the food, the culture... even my job. They're all great.

But there's a critical thing that's missing -- Chip.

Chip's my son, and he remains in Atlanta. With each mile that passes 31,000 feet below me, further separating us, my heart grows heavier. I tell myself I'm doing this for the greater good - and I truly believe I am - but it doesn't make it any easier. Being around him is like breathing sunshine.

Miss ya, buddy... can't wait to see you soon!

Motherf**in' Culture Shock

2009-03-03T11:37:00.004+08:00

A lifetime ago I was in the Army. For 5 years, no less. This is often a shock for people who only know me as old, soft, weak, fragile Charlie, but indeed I served my country.

Like anyone in the Army, I'd go on field exercises and deployments. When you're "in the field," things get kinda salty. You curse a lot, you spit, do dip, talk a lot of trash, and generally act macho and tough. And when you return from the field to "the world," its always a bit of a transition. The old joke, but dead accurate, is that when you go home for Thanksgiving you'll inevitably end up saying "Pass the motherfu*king potatoes, Grandma."

Returning to the US is kind of like that. I've now been in China for 2 months as an expat, versus just a periodic visit, and have just returned to Atlanta for my first visit. Its a bit of a transition.

First off, forks suck. At nearly every sitting, I find myself desperately missing chopsticks. Its just so much easier to eat with them. Even something like steak or a chicken breast... I'd so much rather pick up the whole bloody thing with chopsticks and take a big bite outta it like some kind of hobo than be inconvenienced taking a knife and fork... cutting a piece... setting the knife back down, eating the single piece, then getting the knife again, later, rinse, repeat. Waste of damn time and effort. Western manners suck.

And dealing with bones, gristle, shells, olive pits, etc is so much easier in China. Here you have to delicately spit the non-digestible item into a napkin, elegantly and discretely. In China if you don't wanna swallow it, you just spit it out... right there on the table. PTOOOEY. Problem solved.

I also miss screaming "FUYAN" across a restaurant every time I want something. Its so much easier to bark for service than having to wait for a waiter to happen buy, or desperately trying to flag one down from across the room. I'm dying to scream "HEY WAITRESS" at the top of my lungs across TGI MCFUGNUTS to get a fresh order of wings, but I know I'd get tossed out for doing so...

And I probably don't need to mention the dirty looks I got when I hocked a big loogie on the street this morning? Mind you, I usually get funny looks in China when i do it but its more of a "HEY! LOOK! The big laowai just spit on the sidewalk, too" than any true judgment.

Another weird transition is driving again. I haven't been behind the wheel of a car in over 60 days, and now have Beijing cabbies as my automotive role model. Atlantans seem less tolerant of me honking, swerving and weaving, stopping wherever I want, turning without a signal across multiple lanes, and driving with an unpredictable mix of g-force speed and an unexplained crawl.

And could I actually be craving baiju?! I swear I miss the stuff. Tonight I soaked a dirty sock in some grain alcohol trying to recreate that perfect mix of burning and stinking. Its just not the same.

But, oh man... Five Guys Burgers make it all worthwhile. Aside from my son, Chip, 5 Guys may just be the finest thing in America. I'd like to marry a 5 guys burger, have sex with it, and have baby 5 Guys burgers, just so i could eat them, too.

And you know as I was enjoying it, without thinking, I asked my Grandma to pass the motherf*ckin' french fries. Some things never change.

The One Where Charlie Gets Rubbed By A Guy

2009-02-28T06:48:00.002+08:00

It started innocently enough.

It'd been a very long day. I'm heading back to the US in a few days, and my Mom wanted me to bring back some wall-hangings for her. So after 3+ hours at the Panjiayuan antique market, haggling and negotiating and fighting and arguing, I was beat.

And when in Beijing and tired, only one thing will do - a nice foot massage!

For those not familiar with this heavenly blessing, a good Chinese foot massage lasts 90 minutes and really involves a good back and shoulder massage, followed by a lengthy deep-tissue rub of both feet, followed by the legs. During this, at a decent spa, you'll gnosh on gratis snacks and tea. One of the better spas in Beijing, Oriental Taipan, conveniently has a location just 2 blocks from my apartment.

And so off I went. It started off innocently enough. I went in, indicated I'd like a foot massage, was shown to a room, ordered some snacks, ordered my usual foot-massage girl (#22 - she does a good job), and settled in for 90 minutes of pampering.

When there was a knock at the door I barely even glanced up, knowing it'd be Ol' #22. I'd already taken off my shoes and socks and had reclined my chair into a position of total relaxation. I didn't even look up as #22 carried in the standard vat of hot tea to soak my feet. She took the customary seat, placed my feet in the steaming tea and started washing down my feet.

This was the first hint that something wasn't right. #22's touch seemed different than usual. Stronger and more... hrmmm... manly, almost? I forced myself to open my eyes and sit up enough to glance down and see what was amiss... maybe she was wearing gloves or something?

IT WAS A DUDE!

Now, not that there's anything wrong with it, but this wasn't what I had in mind. I quickly hit the buzzer for the hostess. She came in and I explained that, no offense to the guy at my feet, but where the heck was #22?!! She explained that #22 was no longer with the spa and, unfortunately, all the other female masseuses were with customers. Only guys were available, and I should be psyched, since they have stronger hands and give a better massage.

At this point I was already calf-deep in hot tea, so I figured in-for-a-penny, in-for-a-pound and shrugged. Besides, I reasoned with myself, who had it worse? Me or the poor bastard who had to rub my tired dogs?

To paraphrase Lilly Allen, "A guy rubbed me down, and I liked it." #34's touch was strong and firm. He worked on muscles I didn't know I had. In fact, even now, days later, I have a bruise on my shoulder from where he went after a muscle-knot like a dog on a bone.

Really, my only complaint would be that during the 3rd act of the massage (Act 1: Shoulders/arms; Act 2: Feet; Act 3: legs), his leg massage went decidedly north. Like... to the waist. He got my thighs and enough of my pelvis that he was getting close to Melvin & The Boys. Never made contact, thank God, but I was sweating it... I figure he was about a quarter-inch from an international incident.

He was less shy when getting the back of my thighs, kneading my butt like pizza dough.

So I guess its true what they say - once you go masseur, you never go back. Next time I visit Oriental Taipan, I'll be asking for #34 by name... er... number, and revisiting the forbidden fruit of the man-massage.

The First Firsts - Absinthe Brings The Pain

2009-02-23T08:52:00.007+08:00

This was a weekend oriented around some interesting "firsts."

Friday night I went out with some friends to a local watering hole called TUN. TUN's a melting pot of East-meets-West that's roughly 50/50 (depending on the night) foreign to Chinese customers. Its also CRAZY packed on Friday nights. That's because its ladies night - girls drink absolutely free from 9pm to midnight. And even for us guys, drinks are pretty cheap - $4 gets you a jack and coke.

Anyhow, I went with some folks from work and then we met up with some Chinese friends of theirs. As we made introductions, the friends-of-friends announced they'd had a REALLY long week and wanted to tie one on to unwind. "Charlie can help you order," they were informed by my astute colleagues, " he knows all about this."

Now... of course I knew what to get them, but I felt like some precautionary disclaimers were in order. I shared with them how, true story, the week before I'd sat at that same table, in that same chair, and watched a gaggle of laowai schoolteachers drink themselves blind before one (a heavyset German gal) passed out in a heap of her own sick.

My new Chinese friends weren't having any of it, though. "We're CHINESE," they insisted, "we drink Baiju all the time at work and never pass out or barf." Okie dokie. The rest of the evening played out as you would imagine. I like to remember it as a series of smash-cuts, like you would see in a movie:

10:55 Charlie orders a round of Absinthe.

11:01 Round of absinthe arrives. Everyone drinks - its their first experience with Absinthe. Even the tough Baiju drinkers wince.

11:16 My new Chinese friends tell me how great I am and that America's so much better than France. "Frogs suck" I'm informed. Farbeit for me to disagree...

11:21 Erin (names changed to protect the innocent) goes down for the count. She sleeps peacefully on the table. Jimmy (also a pseudonym) dances like a retarded monkey, grinning from ear to ear, as happy as anyone I've ever seen.

11:31 Erin turns a disturbing shade of green, lifts her head, and projectile vomits all over the table next to us.

11:32 Erin collapses in a heap, totally unconscious. Jimmy continues to dance around, oblivious, smiling like a 8 year-old kid on Christmas morning.

11:33 I pronounce our evening officially dead and we haul Erin outside and pile into a taxi. I think she's breathing. Jimmy begins to cry unconsolably. "No body loves me," he wails, "I've got nothing. Nobody. My life is so awful." He howls like a new widow the whole way.

The rest of its just a bunch of struggling to drop off superunbelievablydrunk people and really not worth smashcutting to.

So... the first first was Jimmy and Erin's virgin experience with Absinthe. I think its safe to assume neither will revisit the Green Fairy again anytime soon.

Next post tease: My first time having a guy rub my butt.

Me? You Want To Know About Me?

2009-02-19T20:37:00.004+08:00

Well, since Charlie has gone all Red Dragon on me and time shifted 12 hours into the future so he's never on IM the same time as me, it seems the only way to stay up to date with each other is by publicly spilling our guts on the Internet.

So OK. Here's the latest on Producer Dude.

*crickets*

Actually, in a bizarre twist of fate, the film he made before he was going to make our film has found a surprising amount of success. Something called The Dark Knight. Not. But his masterpeice has won some b-movie awards and can be found in pirated-DVD stalls across the globe, as attested to by Charlie Chang-Yang-Ming himself.

Is this good for us? Well, on one hand, the next film made by Producer Guy will undoubtedly have an audience based on his most recent success. On the other hand, this is Producer Dude. So.. no.

So what have I been doing?

Glad you asked.

Writing.

My brilliant Hollywood Manager remains brilliant. With My Manager's help, I have developed a TV show. So what does an unknown writer do with an original TV show? He searches far and wide for someone who is not unknown to become interested. Or, more precisely, he waits for His Manager to find the Golden Calf.

Golden Calf found.

I can't name names, and I won't, but after bumping around between a couple of different companies, my TV show has garnered the interest of a company centered on a currently very big Hollywood individual. I have been working with this company, and just sent them a final draft of the Pilot episode on Thursday. They read it over the weekend, love it to death, thought we hit all their notes just right, and will be be getting it back into the hands of the Golden Calf next week. Why next week and not right away? Because due to the Golden Calf's latest project, the Golden Calf will be kind of distracted until on Sunday.

If you can read between the lines, you won't know who the Golden Calf is, but you might understand why things look pretty damn good.

Anyway, that's me. When I'm able to say more, I will say more. But for now, I have to go back and take my drumming from Charlie in scrabble- who I never thought would be so damned good at the game.

How The East Was Won

2009-02-18T12:04:00.009+08:00

There's a lot I want to share about China, but one of the most critical revelations I've had here relates to a rather unexpected topic:

Bare baby ass.

The Chinese people are a hardy, stalwart, lot. Over the course of thousands of years they've faced war, famine, disease, natural disasters, plague, and countless other hardships. Even today, with an entire generation of Chinese Gen-X'ers who spend the day sipping Starbucks carmel macchiatos and doodling with iPhones while shopping at Prada, there are still countless billions (literally) of people in this country who struggle on a daily basis to get by.

But they do it, just like they always have. The grit their teeth and face whatever obstacles life has thrown at them. Chinese people are tough, man, and they know it. They take pride in the determination, gumption and tenacity they possess as a nation and as a race. And I'll readily admit that I admire the strength and will displayed here on a daily basis, and wish I could posess even a fraction of the indomitable Chinese spirit.

And so I've been left to wonder: How is it that this nation has produced such stoicism?

The answer hit me a couple of days ago. It was bitter cold in Beijing. I was bundled-up warmly, from head to toe: long underwear, heavy coat, scarf, hat, gloves, and yet I was still freezing. I was working my way down a narrow-street - the kind that perfectly conducts bone-numbing gusts of cold wind - when I happened upon a Chinese mom and her toddler kid. The kid was bundled up from head to toe with so many layers that she looked like a miniature Hello-Kitty-pink version of the Michelin Man. As she waddle-danced around looking uncomfortable, her mom barked out something in Mandarin, and the kid stopped squirming, squatted, and let a massive river of steaming kid pee loose on the sidewalk.

Now, you'll note I didn't say "stopped, dropped her britches, squatted, etc, etc..." That's because, from my observations, Chinese kids under the age of 3 or so tend to cruise around in crotchless Garanimals.

As its been explained to me, this is a matter of practicality. There are still a lot of people who can't really afford the cost associated with disposable diapers, and having to deal with constantly cleaning soiled cloth nappies is something that can be extremely burdensome in areas where running/hot water can be a scarce commodity. So... if you've got a kid who's not potty-trained yet, crotchless attire allows them to take care of business without a whole lot of muss or fuss, regardless of when and where you are.

And this leads me to my theory on the intestinal fortitude of Chinese people.

Think about it. From the time of birth their genitals are exposed to the entire world. Subject to the elements: Freezing cold. Driving rain. Scorching heat. Gusting winds. Dust storms. Sand storms. Snow storms. Electrical storms. Passing animals. Small pebbles kicked up by passing cars. Ants. Plus the wandering eyes of the masses. (As you can see, I've given tremendous thought to the terrifying amount of things that could damage one's exposed nether region... I have nightmares).

Its no bloody wonder they're so tough. If you had your junk exposed 24/7 to Mother Nature and the entire neighborhood, you'd be able to withstand anything fate tossed your way, too. Me? I can barely muster the will to stand in front of a poorly-maintained urinal in a well-lit McDonalds, but as near as I can tell, Chinese kids all across this country are dropping trou on crowded streets, in sub-zero driving hail storms, to take a leak.

I'm sorry, man, but that'll make a person bad-ass.

Literally.

B-Movie Writers Reloaded

2009-02-18T09:21:00.000+08:00

So I know its been awhile since we've posted. Like... 6 months.

Most of you are probably long-gone. You've moved on to bigger and better things: Your "25 Totally Wacky Things You Didn't Know About Me" lists on Facebook; Videos of a dog peeing on a baby on Youtube (Barney's right, it is funny); pictures of a kitten standing on a CD captioned "I IZ UR DJ NOW, RT?!"; and blogs about Monkey Attacks.

Let's face it. We deserved to be deserted. We let you down.

But we've got an excuse. I swear. See... we didn't have anything meaningful to say. I mean... a LOT has transpired, but not stuff that'd really be germane to readers of a blog about screenwriting.

So... I'm vowing to remedy this by, well, writing about stuff no longer germane to readers of a blog about screenwriting. Hope you're all willing to go through a transition with us as we expand our horizons a bit and write a little more about general interest topics, entertainment in general and, God willing, occasionally something related to screenwriting.

Let me bring you up to speed:

Since we last wrote I've moved to Beijing, China, relatively full-time. I have a job here, an apartment here, several pairs of shoes, a bank account, and a gym membership. If that ain't expatriation, I don't know what is.

And Dave... well... I don't really know WHAT Dave's been up to. Frankly, that's part of the impetus behind rebooting this blog. I miss the lil' fella. We haven't written together in eons, though we communicate several times a week. Unfortunately, here's what a typical communication these days looks like:

Charlie: Hi Dave!

Dave: WTF is a Zouk?!

Charlie: Um... its a type of music?

Dave: You couldn't possibly know that word.

Charlie: Sure. I rock out to zouk all the time.

Dave: YOU'RE USING A SCRABBLE WORD GENERATOR YOU MOTHERLESS SON OF A CHINESE WHORE, COMMIE-WORSHIPPING, LO-MEIN EATING, BIRD-FLU CARRYING, HEPATITIS-A CATCHING SCAB!

Charlie: Oooookay... Anything from Producer Dude?

Dave: Go F yourself. And no.

So we're rebooting. I haven't mentioned this to Dave yet, so here's hoping he reads this blog still and comes along for the ride.

And in the meantime, I'll be writing about how nutty it is to be an expat American in China (it is), all the cool paces I get to go (China and beyond), all the zany things Chinese people eat (dog!), and will do my best to at least peripherally relate some of it to film and media.

And maybe Dave can write about how nutty it is to be an expat Californian in New York (it can't be), all the cool places he gets to go (the mall), all the nutty things New Yorkers eat (perogies!), and he's probably actually writing, so he can help keep us on topic.

So come back often, tell your friends, join our Followers List on the right, and buy the t-shirt.

- Charlie

Dear Diary...

2008-08-06T02:41:00.000+08:00

Ok. So here's the latest update.

Producer Dude's "Other Movie" - the one he's made just before he's really, really, really, really gonna make SIEGE - is an award winner. Last week at the Boise Action & Musical Comedy Film Festival (or something like that) it was nominated for something like 18 awards in nearly every major category, and managed to snag several of the top prizes, like Best New Actress In A C-Grade Action or Musical Comedy, Best Action Sequence In an Action & Musical Comedy Film Willing to Screen At The Boise Action & Musical Comedy Film Festival, and the grand prize, Boise's Corn D'Or.

All of this, if you believe Producer Dude, is REALLY REALLY huge news for SIEGE, and as soon as we move things forward with preproduction on it, its gonna be MASSIVE.

That said, we've all heard this song and dance before, haven't we? Yes... the cynicism is palpable.

In the meantime, I've finally taken a couple of steps forward with the previously untitled sci-fi/horror flick that I've now taken to calling "FREE 3G IPHONES: THE ACTION AND MUSICAL COMEDY FILM THAT LOVES IOWA" just because I think it increases our chances of getting butts in seats and entry into certain film festivals.

Its actually printed out and sitting on my desk right now. Look:

Yup. I've actually even made a few notes. Sure, its slow going, but I'm working on it folks, and that, in its own right, is massive progress. In fact, I haven't even heard much from Dave lately. I think he hates me now, and this is the first step in reconciling our relationship and winning back his love.

Meanwhile, I'm heading back to China in a few days. I love that country, ya'll.

- Charlie

More From China

2008-05-19T14:59:00.000+08:00

Sorry, folks, but this'll be another posting having little to do with film-making. Truth is, a couple of folks (therefore 100% of our readership) told me they appreciated the "front lines" post earlier in the week from China.

As the result, this is a bit of a follow-up.

Today was the first day of a 3-day period of national mourning. At 2:28 there was a 3 minute period of silence.

People from the various companies gathered outside. Some were "formed up" military style by their companies. Others just stopped dead on the street. All traffic halted. All pedestrians came to a screeching halt. Amazing to see - like something out of a movie - because its such a massive city and so busy. Just... thousands of people and cars stopped dead in their tracks.

You know when you see movies and some crazy apocalyptic thing happens and they show zillions of New Yorkers all frozen in place and its this weird, freaky looking notion, because New York just NEVER stops? Beijing's like that. And that's exactly what this looked like.

After a beat, the sound started. Air raid sirens from all over the city... this buzzing drone. After a moment they were joined as every car within the city started blowing its horn. It was just this 3 minute long deafening buzz unlike anything I've ever heard before, and which is almost impossible to describe. It came from everywhere and was almost like a tv or radio station test signal sound. All around people were staring at the ground or looking to the sky. Many were crying.

I wanted to take pictures, to try to capture what it was like, but I couldn't think of a way to do so and be respectful. Its moments of massive national unity like that when you feel especially foreign.

Yeah, I know... I don't do serious...

2008-05-17T07:27:00.000+08:00

So, once again, its been eons since we posted (and I'm the worse offender between the two of us, I know).

Sadly, there's just not much to say. I have a minor update, though, and an appeal.

Last night I was blind copied by Producer Dude on an exchange between him and... well... I have no idea. The exchange went something like this:

-----------

Producer Dude,

Congrats on the thing with the thing! That's great... I hear it went well and people are excited. You must be pumped about this thing and how it'll impact that stuff. Way to go!!

Fred

-----------

Dear Fred,

THX, man. Yeah, the time is now, the place is here, the iron is hot, we're on the 1 yard line and the ball is in motion, its the 11th inning and bases' are loaded and we've got Dimaggio at the plate, we're the spaceshuttle about to blast off and the countdown has reached zero.

Peace,

Producer Dude

------------------

Honestly, I have ZERO idea what they're talking about, or how it impacts Dave and I. None. Maybe the other movie that Producer Dude has been doing (in lieu of ours)?

Beats me. Maybe Dave can post and shed some light.

In the meantime, I'm back in China.

Most of you have probably read by now about the massive quake that rattled this country last week. The devastation in the Sichuan region is massive, and hard to comprehend. 50,000+ dead. Hundreds of thousands wounded. Millions homeless and displaced.

I've been watching the stories from the US, heartbroken for this nation, which I really do love. And yesterday got back to Beijing and was surprised at how dramatically this tragedy is permeating society and the public consciousness right now (though mostly, because, I guess I just hadn't really considered it, like most Americans).

Imagine the US shortly after Hurricane Katrina. Its pretty much all that’s on TV, radio, etc. There are donation drives and stands and boxes everywhere. Its what cabbies talk about, its what people on the street talk about. Every concert hall is hosting a benefit, every restaurant a fundraiser, every school a donation drive. Young couples from Beijing are convoying to Sichuan to try to adopt the thousands of now-orphaned children. Its equally heartbreaking and inspiring. Sometimes nationalism is an amazing thing. There is no "them" that were hit by the quake here. It impacted "we" -- and everyone wants to help.

This country has been rattled, both physically and psychologically, but is determined to do whatever it can. Its amazing to see how strong the grassroots efforts are in a nation known for such a strong centralized government.

Anyhow, China remains more beautiful than ever, her resilience and determination adding to her allure. And there are millions suffering right now in the far reaches of Sichuan. I'd ask if you're reading this to consider making a donation to one of the many multinational relief agencies providing support for this disaster:

Mercy Corps

World Cares

Red Cross

There are many others. Google it. But if you can, give.

Heck, if every reader of this Blog gave just $1, then... well... that'd be $2 more than they have now.

Thanks for indulging some seriousness...

- Charlie

Dave Hates The Jews!!

2008-04-24T10:59:00.000+08:00

Of course I'm kidding. Dave loves the Jews.

It's the blacks he hates.

And Latinos.

And Native Americans.

And Asians. Especially the Chinese.

See... I've been MIA because of the Chinese. Since November I've been to Beijing 3 times, for a total of like... 80 days in China. Working hard launching a company in China... hiring people. Finding office space. Building a website. Translating content. Its hard work, ya'll. Seriously. And I've been there a LOT. I even have an apartment there. And, no, it isn't painted red.

And - get this - I get paid for this work. Its kind of like the OPPOSITE of my screenwriting career, and the work we do with Producer Dude.

But Dave... he doesn't understand. He calls me a traitor. A traitor to my country. My race. My screenplay. I think he's a script-bigot. He's jealous that I'm working on something else. And that the people I'm working with aren't 30-something White, protestant, upper-middle-class hybrid drivers. He sneers at me saying things like... "Is China nice?" and "Have you seen the wall yet?" and "will you ever review our screenplay?"

Don't think I can't read the racist subtext of his questions, my friends. I know what he's saying, and it isn't pretty.

So... yeah. I guess I need to move my ass. Before I go back to China next month and Dave tosses out a bunch of his yellow-baiting dogma, smearing the honorable people of China with his obnoxious Dalai Lama loving rhetoric.

(Okay. Now don't lynch me when I get back, guys. I'm not French. I love China. F*ck the Dalai Lama, Tibet, and anyone that screws with the Olympics. And Dave. Especially Dave.)

- Charlie

Charlie Doesn't Love You

2008-04-22T20:47:00.000+08:00

It's true. He thinks you're a waste of his time. And this isn't just because he's too busy to blog, he actually told me the other day.

"Hey Dave."

"Yeah?"

"You know that one guy who reads our blog?"

"You mean me?"

"No, the other one."

"Oh, right."

"I don't love him."

Doesn't get any clearer than that.

The sad truth is, there are times that I even doubt his love for me. Like when he doesn't read my draft of the Munchkin/sock puppet/serial lesbian/voodoo script that I sent him, like, months ago. Like when he'd rather spend time doing his JOB than pay attention to our dreams of getting Siege made. (Oh, it's going to be made this year. Producer Dude says so." Like earning money to feed and house his family is more important than his dreams.

As if.

So we sit and stew. Two of the greatest screenwriting minds of the 21st Century, dragged to a stand-still due to the pressures of modern life. Charlie has to work for The Man, and I have a huge conference call with a production company in LA tonight interested in producing the TV series I've put together with My Manager and My Agent.

Priorities. Bah.

High Times, and an American Idol musing

2008-03-27T22:42:00.000+08:00

First, Producer Dude's new movie that was not written by us has been screened at 20th Century Fox Studio, and is having a world premiere in an actual theater in a small nation that is not the United States.

This is a good thing. Why? Because Siege is going to be his next pic. It really, really is. And people who make movies tend to get bigger and bigger each time. So if this one is being shown on screens, real-life movie screens, then Siege might make it to a screen in a not-quite-as-small nation as the one his current is premiering on. Like instead of Andorra, Siege will be shown in theaters in Uruguay. That's a step up.

That's cool.

Which means we're so, so, so, so, so close. Right?

Meanwhile, in the American Idol world, I have a thought. You know what I'd really like? I'd like to see the Idols do a week of Weird Al songs. I think that would be awesome, and Simon would probably implode from agony. Talk about must-see-TV!

OK, now back to your regularly-scheduled Veggie Dance.

Building on Someone Else's Success

2008-03-21T20:42:00.000+08:00

Aloha,

So while we've been twisting in the wind, Producer Dude has made another movie. This has nothing to do with Siege, and we knew he was making this film. It's made, and he's about to set off for a whirlwind tour of a few countries that you've never heard of to promote the film, which is actually going to be released in the theaters in some of these countries. Not all, and not any that have a GNP larger than Rhode Island, but all the same...

Meanwhile, Siege continues on track for a Q4 start of production. I'm assuming that's Q4 2008, but really, who can say?

So here's my thing. Producer Dude has a "hit" on his hands- at least when compared to his other films, none of which ever got any kind of theatrical release anywhere. So with success comes clout, the ability to do larger projects, the ability to bring more money into the process.

And Siege is his next film.

A theatrical release for Siege in the tiny island nation of Barbados? It could happen.

But now, of course, he wants to emmulate the success of his current opus. Which means he may want rewrites, to turn Siege into something with, get this, "character development" and "an easily-followable plot."

Oh the sacrifices we make for our art.

I guess the end result of all this inner-chaos is that I'm gonna have to try and pry more "money" from Producer Dude. Hey, if he's loaded, time to spread it around, right?

Soldier on.

Nothing to see here. Move Along.

2008-02-28T10:59:00.000+08:00

Yeah, yeah, its me, Charlie... the one who never posts anymore. I know, I know. I'm a douchebag.

The thing is, there's really nothing to say, at least as it relates to B Movie Writing.

When Dave wrote a couple of weeks ago, he told you that Producer Dude had re-emerged to tell us that this time we're REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY SUPER CLOSE, which is different from last time, when we were REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY CLOSE (no "super") and the time before that when we just got REALLY REALLY REALLY CLOSE (only three REALLY's which, really, we all know is not close, at all, but rather is quite far).

Thing is, we haven't heard from Producer Dude since. So... its business as usual here in B Movieland. Lather, rinse, repeat. Which is to say, Dave gets lathered, begs me to rinse him, and I repeat gagging.

In related non-news, as Dave said, he's sent me rewrites to the Donkey herders/firefighters/armageddon/jesus musical. And I've been hard at work on... well... not even reading them. I've just been slammed and haven't had the chance and... yeah. I'm a douche, as I said. I need to read 'em.

Anyhow... we'll post again as soon as sometime happens. Or doesn't happen and one of us feels guilty.

- Charlie

Has It Really Been A Month?

2008-02-13T21:36:00.000+08:00

Wow. Time flies when you don't blog.

So over the last month we've... uhm.. we've....

Actually. No. We have. I finished my draft on our rocking horse/velvet curtain/glowing spear/banana leaf epic and sent it over to Charlie. He emailed me back (eventually) to say he couldn't find my email. So I then emailed it to him again.

That's progress.

Also, Siege didn't get made. But, and this is key, Producer Dude says we're SOOOOO CLOSE. Actually blind-copying us on emails from money people to producing people talking about schedules and finances and production slates and howthere's this mysterious inload of funding that first needs to be "laundered". Or maybe our movie is the laundering. I'm not sure.

There is also talk of a re-write. Which means Charlie and I will have to read the script and see what it's all about, since we have no clue. I think there's a midget in it. Hopefully a lesbian.

Actually, the truth is even funnier. See, we wrote Seige back in Ought-Five to be this no-nonsense, people beating people up in inventive ways, all-action, every line of dialogue should be able to be plastered on a snarky coffee mug, film. Now Producer Dude says that when we go into the rewriting process (which no one is doing until some money exchanges hands and ends up in the bank account of me and Charlie) we need to try to instill the script with character depth and meaningfull, dramatic dialogue.

Character depth. In Seige. Huh. Here's my take on that.

"There are three bad guys around the corner! You only have two bullets in the gun!"

"It's OK. I've done a lot of soul searching, and I think there's a better way. Before my father died from colon cancer, he taught me what was important in life. He taught me to really be there for everyone. And though I only have two bullets, those two bullets will really be there for me."

"I understand your pain. My own father was raped by a balloon salesman and left for dead in the tiger cage at the zoo. It has scarred me to this day."

"That's why you hold such animosity toward animals?"

"Both in the flesh, and the balloon variety, yes."

"You need to be there for your own inner child."

"I try. The pressures of being a real man in today's non-stop society make it difficult to cry."

"I'm so sorry. Let me use my two bullets to violently murder the three men around the corner, then we should sit down and have a good cry together. For you. For me. For us. And for the three dead men who will be in the hall."

"They have lives, too. Lives which we are about to end."

"Sometimes I hate myself."

"It's OK. Now go plug those assholes good."

I'd like to thank the Academy...

Dave's New Year's Resolution

2008-01-04T00:15:00.000+08:00

Well, my resolution as it would pertain to this site and the subject matter wee talk about here. Writing. Writing with Charlie.

So it's really a subsection of my actual writing resolutions, which themselves are a subsection of my entire resolutions. Just wanted to be clear.

OK.

I'm gonna write more.

Hmm, that seems vague.

Well for starters, the current status of the Human Growth Hormone/Mango/Midget sex romp is in my hands. I'm going to finish the draft. And soon-ish.

Soon-ish? That tends to mean, like, when I get around to it. But before I forget about it completely.

See, some other non-Charlie-writing Resolutions will have to be satisfied before this one, because of things outside of my control. But then I'll jump on this and be rocking and rolling.

So there you have it. Dave's Charlie-Writing New Year's Resolution.
Astounding, I know. Inspiring, I'm sure.

Oh, and some day we'll make Siege.

Hey America - Go F Yourself!

2008-01-03T11:12:00.001+08:00

Hey America... what the f*ck?!

I've put up with a lot over the years. Ketchup as a vegetable when I was in school. Bush. Not once. Not even twice. Three god*amn times. Susan B. Anthony dollars. Crocs.

But you've gone too far, America. This time... you've gone too far.

Have you really shelled out nearly $150 million dollars to see National Treasure: Book of Secrets?" YES, America, you have.

You filthy, gutter-dragging, lowest-common-denominator-pandering whore. $150 mil??

That's just wrong.

Its over, America. I'm going back to China. Call me when you're ready to drop that kinda dough on movies like ONCE.

- Charlie

A Christmas Miracle

2007-12-23T21:16:00.000+08:00

...and so I'm all like... "I don't care WHAT you do for Fabio, I can't score women for you."

Huh?

Oh... wow... hey, you! I sure didn't expect to see you here.
(Excuse me for a few minutes guys...)

Wow. Look at you. You look incredible. How long's it been?

God, that long? Jeez. I knew it had been awhile, but I didn't realize how time had just slipped away from me. You really do look great. I dig the new hair - bangs - totally works. Super cute.

I really meant to get in touch... it's just that work has been totally crazy -- I was in China for a few weeks, and then Thanksgiving - hey do you call it Bangsgiving now? Hahah! Um... yeah... I bet you don't miss the lame jokes, huh? Anyhow, my paying gig's been so crazy I just haven't had any spare time at all. Its all good, though... China was amazing, and I got a nice promotion and a big office...

Man, I miss the good old days. Remember how we used to snuggle in the morning under that big comforter of yours?

What? Oh. God. That's embarassing. Sure sign I'm getting old... memory's going, heh. I could have sworn we used to do that.

My writing? Yeah. We haven't seen each other in ages, but that probably hasn't changed much. Dave and I finished up the un-named horror/thriller thingie, and then I was going to do a polish, but I got so busy with work... And remember Producer Dude? As usual, he's reappeared after months of silence and is again promising the movie is going to move forward sometime REALLY REALLY REALLY soon. But, you know... that's pretty much the same story as last time I saw you. And, for that matter, when we first met.

You knew all of that already? How?

Oh... I didn't realize you and Dave still talked. Huh. Do you guys see each other often? Really? I can't believe he hasn't mentioned that.

Um... well... I should probably get back to my buddies. Tim always gets drunk at these Christmas parties and ends up making out with the busboy or something. I don't want to miss it. But - hey - let's get together after the holidays. It'd be great to hang out and really catch up.

Ok. Yeah... you, too. And you really do look hot. Cheers!

Right... bye!

(God, how awkward was THAT?)

- Charlie

Keywords: b movie, Siege, screenwriting, screenplay, scriptwriter, script, movies

A Bigger Slice of Nothing

2007-11-28T20:59:00.000+08:00

I have gone through another round of contract negotiations with Producer Dude.

That sounds a lot more impressive than it really is.

"So, Producer Dude, what's up?"

"We're so close, David. Tell Charlie that we're so very close. In fact, I need to look at our contract again."

"The one we haven't signed because you've never gotten a finished version back to us?"

"Yes, that one."

"Well alright, but it'll cost ya."

And so it goes. Every time Producer Dude "re-opens" the contract, I make sure we get more money. That's not as difficult as it seems, either.

"What did we agree upon again, David? I can't remember."

"You were giving us X for the script."

"Really? X? That seems-"

"X. We agreed."

"Oh. OK. Let me make a note..."

In reality, X is generally the previous amount x 2. True, twice nothing is still nothing, but it makes me feel good.

So there's another contract that he's once again sending to his people. Then, according to the plan, he will send it back to us to sign. We get a mighty option signing bonus (so we can buy a new toothbrush) and then sit and wait for production to start.

Sure, we've been here for the past 15 months or so. But this time, when Hell freezes over, we end up with a slightly larger chunk of change.

If he keeps this up, we'll get real money in a few contracts. Hell, you double a single grain of rice long enough...

I Have Had Charlie Cryogenically Frozen

2007-11-12T20:29:00.000+08:00

Hello out there in Blog Land.

I haven't written as much as usual. But Charlie hasn't written anything at all.

Because he can't. He's cryogrenically frozen.

I grew tired of his whining and complainng that I didn't like his work, that I stole all the spotlight, that I got the best Blog-Groupies, so I snuck into his house, found him in the shower singing old Erasure songs, kidnapped him (or rather, adultnapped him), stuffed him into a burlap sack, beat him a few times with the an 8-track player, carted him over to "Chillin", and all-night cryo clinic, zapped his ass cold, and stuffed him in a meat locker.

So don't expect anything from him soon.

We're still writing, of course. Well, I am. Charlie's thinking about things as best he can at 2 degrees Kelvin. I'm working on projects and projects. Producer Dude is making noises once again about a contract, about making Seige. Noise is just that, however, until the payola is recieved and the cameras roll.

Now, when I say we are writing, I of course mean that we are writing only so much as it is allowed with the current Writer' Strike. We can write for ourselves, which is what we're doing. We can actually write for Producer Dude, because he is so small and unimportant that he isn't a target of the strike. See, there's a list of companies that you can not work for, and it's really, really long. And yet Producer Dude isn't on it.

That's right, we're in the corridors of power now, baby!

So anyway, there's your update.

Choke on it.

A World of Possibilities

2007-10-24T00:45:00.000+08:00

Nothing new from Producer Dude.

Nothing new on any front that I'm working on solo.

Nothing new from Charlie on the script that is in his hands. (That boy can be slow when he wants to be).

Nothing new in my own head about any ideas.

Nothing new on our comedy, ripe for the plucking by some astute Hollywood exec looking for the next big thing.

And yet today I feel as if the world is at my feet.

There is no explanation for this. There is no proof that the world is, in fact, lying at my feet. Rather, it is a feeling. A sensation. A jolt of free will.

Perhaps tomorrow, all will be as it was, and we will again languish in obscurity. But for now, it is a new dawn, filled with promise.

Feeling lucky.

When They'll Take Anything

2007-10-11T20:27:00.001+08:00

I'm working on a short film adaptation of a post I wrote last month that got some interest from an Independent Producer (not Producer Dude).

It's a cute little story about The Time I Helped Some Jews (Yeah, that's a link to the story. Go read it if ya want a good read).

The problem with the situation is that this producer, while very nice and very enthusiastic, isn't the most... picky. Basically, they really like the story, they really want to turn it into a short film, and they're happy as all get-out that I'm willing to write the screenplay for them. (As if I'd let anyone else touch my own story).

But they'll gladly take whatever I give them. And that's not a good thing.

Because I need editors. I need people who will read my first few drafts and point out where the script sucks. Otherwise, you get a bad script, which becomes a bad film, which becomes a waste of all our time.

I'm probably gonna send a copy over to Charlie soon (shhhh, he doesn't know yet) and my wife's already looked at it and torn it apart, but it's discouraging to know that I could send crap to the producer and I'd get:

"Awesome, Dave! Just awesome! Thanks so much! We'll let you know when we shoot it! You're the best!"

Now I love to hear that, of course, but when it comes without qualifications, then what's the point?

In many ways, this is also a problem with Producer Dude. He loves EVERYTHING.

We had to hold back Siege until we felt it was good, other people had told us it was good, what have you. Because he loves EVERYTHING. Thinks it's all really great, can't wait to make the movie. (cough, cough.) It's why he's still making B-movies, because he doesn't care about the script. Or rather, he cares, but he is unable to tell when something isn't very good.

I have a script I wrote for him, like, 8 years ago (yipes, it's been a while) and he mentioned the thought of pushing it back to another money man, get some more funding. The subject's coming back around to being timely again, maybe now's the time to do it.

Thing is, I read the script. It's HORRIBLE. Yes, I wrote it, all by my lonesome, but it sucks to high Heaven. And he wants to shoot it?

I don't know why I care, this is Producer Dude we're talking about, so it'll get made in about 2017, but the fact that he even considers making that script is chilling.

Sometimes, we writers need someone to tell us that our shit stinks.