Random Thoughts- Do They Have Meaning?

Your Songwriter

2012-01-25T23:59:00.000-08:00

Dear woman,

That is sort of a nondescript way of addressing you now isn't it. I could be far more direct and make it clear to all who read this exactly who it is I am speaking to, because I am most certainly speaking.

You may be reading these words but I know you inside out and even after all of this time I know that when you read my words you hear my voice. You hear my voice and feel my presence and it makes you feel warm, loved and confused.

The logic and reason with which you want to view the world won't work here. I know because I ask for them to do so too. I look at math and science and search for something that makes sense of this crazy confusion. There are no theorems or proofs to apply. Newton can't explain it and Faraday can't diagram it.

But I know that you are the song of my heart and that once you said I was the love of your life. And I know that the song of my heart still remembers the love of her life in ways that cannot be broken or forgotten. It is kind of infuriating, is it not.

I remember the day you told me that it was a tragedy that we couldn't be together. I told you that you were wrong and you were silent. You didn't believe me because you didn't want to. You told me that I only hear what I want to hear.

And what I hear is your heart calling to mine. What I hear is our soul crying because neither one of us is completely fulfilled or experiencing the sort of joy that we know we can experience. We know because we have been there and we can be there again.

I am hard where you are soft and soft where you are hard. You make me feel things that sometimes I don't want to feel. So I find the dark places and remember the pain. I poke the bear and anger it so that I can be angry with you. I push so that I can create the space and feel ok with the empty spot that you once filled.

And in the midst of it all I feel you passing by and I look up and out the window. I hear soft chimes and smell...you. I feel your hand in mine and your lips upon me and I feel like I am back in high school again. I can't get up to answer the question my teacher asked.

So I sit here and wonder what would happen if we were to be alone. I think back upon the moments and know that I can still make you feel the same things you felt before. Your body will respond to my touch, but that would mean opening your heart to mine.

And I sit here and wish that I knew how to write the music I hear in my heart every time I think of you. And I sit here and think about the girl who loved a boy who wanted to do nothing more than take care of her. And I sit here and wonder if my heart is right and if we'll get that moment together....again.

Because life is short and when you find someone who can do for you what we did for each other, well you do all that you can to tend to that garden. So I sit here and wonder what it will take to earn the opportunity to park my car in your garage again.

Should I be the boy who loved the girl or the man who told the woman that he wasn't going to take her crap anymore. Should I tell you that I love you still and ask for your hand or come out and say that only a stubborn fool would ignore the opportunity.

Doors open and doors close but I am not the kind of guy who is afraid to tear down a wall or climb over a fence.

We were more together than we are apart.

He Tried To Forget Her

2012-01-24T07:18:00.000-08:00

She was the one who came unsought and unseen into his life and turned it upside down. She was ready but he wasn't and then he was ready and she wasn't. It was an awkward dance of ups and downs and uncertainties. It was a time of change in many things and many places and it was never clear what was really going on.

And so they took a step back to look at their lives and to review what it was and what it was not. A seesaw is a great place for a child but not always as much fun for an adult and so it seemed that if they could not be then the best thing to do would be to walk away.

To walk away and say that if it was meant to be then somehow it would work out. He said it and he meant it but deep inside it never did take. Though he did his best to try and forget her there were always things to remind him that something was missing from his life.

It was a funny sort of realization because something had been missing from his life for a long time and her arrival in it had filled that spot. It was a hole that had been there for a long time, so long that he had become accustomed to its presence.

And when he realized that it had been filled he was excited and thrilled in all sorts of ways. There was real joy in the knowledge that someone could still do that to him because he had convinced himself that it could not and would not happen.

It is probably why her absence from his life was so difficult. Think of the stories of man stealing fire from the gods and what would happen if it was stolen back. A fundamental part of your life, part of the trunk of the tree was gone.

Loss is one of those funny thing. Sometimes you don't appreciate what you have until it is gone. Sad, trite, but true.

And so he did his best to forget her. He found way to fill his days and when his thoughts drifted off he did his best to think of her negative traits. This proved to me moderately successful because though he could some up with a list he would find himself thinking about all of the good things.

It wasn't a case of denial, just reality. That was the problem. He wasn't romanticizing. He wasn't ,pretending and that is in large part why it was so hard. Inside he knew. He just knew.

For now he can't live with her and he can't live without her. Though there is no doubt that he is capable and able of walking alone and living a life in which there is no engagement with her ever again he doesn't really believe that to be the case. He doesn't really think that this is how it will go.

Because he knows that some nights when he stares out at the moon and thinks about her she is thinking about him. Because he knows that somewhere she is fighting the same battle as he is, albeit in a different place.

It had a crazy start to it, their relationship. But if there is one simple truth that they learned it was that the kiss that they used to kid around about was true. One simple kiss and it was all over.

One kiss that made it clear that sometimes there really are two people who belong together because they have what it takes to complete each other. One kiss made the impossible turn into the improbable and set off hope for the future.

So in his quiet moments of frustration he may curse the day that it happened he silently gives it his blessing. And he smiles at the moon and looks out at the sky and waits for a day that he hopes will come sooner than later.

Sometimes it is no more complicated than saying a boy loves a girl and a girl loves a boy and all that they ask for is the chance to somehow share that love.

Dreams of a future built upon hope and a memory. Fragments of a life that could have been built together and may still yet be are seen through the mist. Because if he can't forget her than what else can he do.

++++

The words above are part of a story I started that for now has no end. I have lots of other bits and pieces that I have written but I haven't figured out how to put them together. It is not because I don't have any ideas but because each time I do I decide that I don't like it so I pull it apart.

It is all tied into the story that I am working on here. I have this dream that I am going to figure out how to tie it together and turn it into something amazing. I have this dream that this is going to be the first of many books and that 2012 will be part of something special, significant and amazing.

So now I am working on ways to turn the dream into reality and trying hard to make hope something more than smoke in the air.

This is part of the Just Write project. You can find more information about it over here. If you like what you read you can find more information about me over here.

What You Should Be Reading

2012-01-18T16:37:00.001-08:00

Just Write Boychik

2012-01-16T23:33:00.000-08:00

It is pushing midnight but I am still awake. Still here at my keyboard searching for the keystrokes that will bring you closer to where I am and where we were.

Unsure and uncertain of how to find them I go back in time to the songs we listened to and hope that music helps to reconnect and recreate the magic of the day and the music of the night.

I do it because I promised to be your hero. I took the vow and swore the oath that will not let me rest. I fight the battles and go to war each day because there are no alternatives for me. It is not hype nor melodrama. I feel and hear the sound of that drummer and I dance because that is what is required.

But I do it with hope and a full heart. I am alone and apart because that is how I choose to be. I choose to remember and to believe in a past and a future that none could have predicted or imagined.

Let others live the life that is dictated by those who haven't the will to chase their true desire. That is not I and that is not you. Perhaps it is what we chose to do or how we chose to live for a time but it isn't who we are.

My heart and my head know better and so does yours. Each day I knock on your door and ask for your hand. Each day I remind you that once a girl let a boy love her and that he would do so again.

Not because of fear or obligation- but because he wants to and so does she. All I ask of you is to live one life together. We who are more together than apart can do what we choose and find a way to overcome the obstacles that exist.

This is a short post I wrote as part of the Just Write project. It was part of a warm up for the story that I am working on over here. If you are interested in reading more of my writing you can always try my main blog.

It is A Constant Source of Amusement

2012-01-14T12:14:00.000-08:00

I am a big fan of Letters of Note. It is a constant source of amusement. I loved the response that Saroyan got about wanting to become an editor:

I note what you say about your aspiration to edit a magazine. I am sending you by this mail a six-chambered revolver. Load it and fire every one into your head.

Classic.

How Many Blogs Must A Man Write

2012-01-10T09:54:00.000-08:00

Jimmy killed himself 11 years ago or maybe it was 12, I am not really sure. I know for certain when Max died because it was the Fall of 1989 when he decided that life wasn't worth living.

Been thinking about suicide quite a bit. Been wondering how you get to that dark place where you can't see daylight or feel the warmth of the sun. It is not because I have any desire to end my life because that is not remotely close.

We all have our troubles and I feel like I have received a double dose but I never seriously considered ending things. Strange to think about how many people I know who have because I can name a few more beyond those two.

I wasn't particularly close with any of them but I spent a lot of time with Max and Jimmy. We went to the same summer camps and participated in the same youth groups. Happy talk, isn't it, these musings about death.

*****

Been thinking about the various places in which I publish and wondering if it makes sense to have so many different outposts. I set them up with good reason and did my best to make them work for my purposes but things change. People change.

I have changed.

Most of my time is spent here. It is where I focus my energy but I can't quite this place up. There is too much wrapped up here, too many memories and good times. It is like my Tara, but I can't make it what it was. I can't chase the ghosts of the past because it prevents me from truly living in the present where I need to be.

What you see here and in the other places you may visit are parts and pieces of me. It is not a complete representation of who I am. Writing reveals much but not all and it would be a mistake to forget that.

Still there are stories to be told and tales to be had so I am off and running to find my best scribe and accumulate that which I can. It would please me greatly if you would come visit me at my main home.

Join us at Just Write.

Articles Worth Reading

2012-01-09T00:10:00.001-08:00

Posted via email from thejackb's posterous

Five Links For Friday

2012-01-06T07:42:00.000-08:00

Blogging 2012

2012-01-02T00:22:00.000-08:00

2012.

Every time I type that out I find myself shaking my head and wondering how this little corner of cyberspace has managed to survive for so long.

This may it will be 8 years since I opened up this place and I can't imagine life without it. This blog may not be my primary residence online any more but it is my retreat and somewhere that I visit because it is like a home that forever welcomes me with open arms.

Here is where I have loved and lost. Here is where it all started but not where it ends, at least not yet. That is a story that has yet to be told and I can only hope that when it does it will be an epic adventure worthy of all that I wish for it.

This joint will continue to be a repository of thoughts and ideas. It will continue to serve as another place to write and share pieces of passion and personality. Some will be fiction and some will not. It remains to be seen whether I will share which is what.

Circles

2011-12-30T16:34:00.000-08:00

You and I dance alone in places far away but our hearts continue to sing our song...together. The physical parts may be alone and apart but the spirits never are and I suspect never have been.

That connection we built was forged in flames that burn brighter and hotter than anything we could make on our own. That connection is what prevents us from true separation.

Neither you nor I are willing to just let go and walk away. We have tried to do it on more than one occasion. Tried to wave goodbye and find new places to hang our hats but it hasn't quite worked. Hasn't quite worked because the heart always finds a way to beat the head.

Hope and optimism defeat fear and pessimism. Dreams of what could be are coupled with action and purpose. a Skeptics shake their fists and gnash their teeth. They claim unrealistic expectations lead to illusions of grandeur. They think that the emperor has no clothes but they do not understand.

They cannot understand that a thousand years might pass and my heart would always recognize yours. They don't understand that some things cannot be prevented. You can slow them down and put obstacles and assorted hurdles in their paths but a will finds a way.

The Muppets Use Google Hangouts Too

2011-12-25T12:02:00.001-08:00

Chanukah Music

2011-12-23T17:07:00.000-08:00

A Look Back At What Was Written

2011-12-22T01:00:00.000-08:00

Tip Jars- I don't like them

My Son's First Day of School

Thirty-One Years of Friendship

Kiss Me Daddy

For A Good Time Call...

My Own Worst Enemy

TOP 10 HOTTEST MOBILE PHONES, DEVICES & ACCESSORIES

2011-12-21T15:39:00.000-08:00

Don't miss out on taking advantage of these great gifts!

Kindle Wi-Fi 6″ E Ink DisplayThe least expensive Kindle is Amazon’s #1 best seller and has the most 5-star reviews of any product on Amazon.
iPhone 4SJust when you thought a smartphone couldn’t get any better, it just did — the iPhone 4S is sure to change the way you communicate.
HTC EVO PhoneHTC EVO 4G is a snazzy-looking Android touchscreen phone that houses a 1 GHz Qualcomm QSD 8650 processor for the smoothest mobile multi-tasking experience ever.
iPod TouchEnjoy watching videos on the 3.5-inch Multi-touch Retina display of the iPod touch 4G at a stunning resolution of 960x640p.
Earphone Headset for iPhoneLight Weight, compact, stylish, replacement headset for all iPhones!
HTC Sensation“HTC Sensation 4G is a fashionable touchscreen phone that houses the dual core Snapdragon 1.2 GHz processor.”
iPhone 3G/3GSThe inexpensive iPhone. The 3GS with a full 3.5-inch screen, the iPhone 3GS cell phone gives you a clear view of all the contents and applications.
Motorola DroidThe popular Smartphone powered by Android 2.0 developed in partnership with Google and Verizon wireless.
iPod NanoThe Smallest iPod – A 1.54-inch color multi-touch display makes navigation unbelievably fast so your music is just a tap away.
iPad 2Movies, games & books come alive on the stunning 9.7-inch widescreen LED Multi-Touch display of the Apple iPad 2.

TOP 10 HOTTEST KIDS TOYS

2011-12-20T16:25:00.000-08:00

If you haven't finished your holiday shopping and are in need of some great gift ideas for kids you need to take a look at the toys listed below.

TOP 10 HOTTEST KIDS TOYS

Barbie Dolls & Accessories
This classic from Mattel is still tops: Live the fab life with Barbie Dolls & Accessories!
Hot Wheels are still incredibly popular, and are a must have gift for the little auto enthusiast on your list this holiday season.
Transformers Action FiguresThe popular movie comes alive with all the Transformers action figures.
Star Wars Lego SetsStar Wars Lego Sets are galactic fun for kids of all ages this holiday.
Disney Pixar CARS 2 Shu Todoroki #22Cars 2: With authentic styling and details, this popular character is die cast, and perfect for recreating all the great scenes from the movie.
Disney Pixar CARS 2 Miguel Camino #23Another one of your favorite characters from the Disney Pixar film, CARS 2, in 155th scale.
Harry Potter Lego SetsBring Harry Potter play alive with these popular Lego sets.
Air Hogs Real Lightning McQueenGet the real deal with the real Lightning McQueen. Watch his eyes and mouth come to life with amazing impulse projection technology.
Air Hogs R/C Hawk Eye Blue SkyGet in the pilot’s seat of the air hogs camera plane for an adrenaline pumping ride full of high-action video.
Disney Pixar CARS 2 Lewis HamiltonSpecial Cars 2 character featuring Formula One Driver Lewis Hamilton, with actual rubber tires.

Chasing Excellence

2011-12-19T20:17:00.000-08:00

“Gentlemen, we will chase perfection, and we will chase it relentlessly, knowing all the while we can never attain it. But along the way, we shall catch excellence.” ― Vince Lombardi

I would have liked to have played for Lombardi. I think that it must have been quite the experience being part of his team. I expect that it would have been filled with the usual roller coaster of chaos and conflict but there would have been good times too.

Probably more good than bad.

I feel like I am chasing perfection and working hard to at least catch excellence. I haven't succeeded nor have I failed...yet. I say yet because it is a journey and the damn thing doesn't end until I die or give up. Well, I haven't died nor given up so I say that I am still climbing that hill.

It is scary and exhilarating. There is more at risk than ever before but my gut tells me that this is where I need to be and what I need to be doing. I am pushing myself to take that extra step and to somehow grab that brass ring that is almost out of reach.

Three blogs. I am trying to keep three blogs going. There is this one, TheJackB and Words Left Unwritten. There is a point and a purpose to each blog and if they work as they should they will help me meet and or exceed the goals that I have set for myself.

TheJackB is my primary blog and I can't help but notice a million little things that need to be fixed. Two months ago I purchased a license for Headway and have spent a chunk of time trying to build a blog that looks good. I am getting closer but I am still not there.

I am not a designer or a programmer so I give myself some latitude to screw things up but it is frustrating to me not to be farther along with it than I am. If I find a decent child theme I may end up adopting that.

Words is where I am working on the story that I am going to build my book around. It is another work in progress. I feel like I have a decent start but there is a long way to go. Sometimes I write posts that I don't publish there.

That is not how I usually operate. Most of the time I publish what I have written regardless of how it looks. My work tends to be pretty clean but like all other writers there are always things that I could do better. Publishing it all provides me with a sandbox that I can practice in and an easy way to see my growth.

But the story is different. I want it to come to life without looking like Frankenstein's monster. I want people to see what I see, hear what I hear and to feel the rhythm of my words.

So I write and write and write some more. It is all about chasing perfection and hoping that I can somehow catch excellence.

This post is part of the Just Write Project.

Writing Music

2011-12-18T11:42:00.000-08:00

Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert Sing Together

2011-12-16T13:42:00.001-08:00

Holocaust survivor learns his father's fate

2011-12-15T15:19:00.001-08:00

The Monster Will Eat You For Christmas

2011-12-14T15:31:00.000-08:00

"What better way to celebrate the holiday season than with a parade? What I mean is, a parade honoring Santa's long-tongued beast buddy who gobbles up all the really bad children? The Krampus is a holiday fixture that's popular in the Germanic countries."

I didn't make it up. Check it out.

Lost Comments

2011-12-13T18:35:00.000-08:00

Some time ago when I first installed Intense Debate I inadvertently cause it to overwrite the Blogger comments that were there prior to its installation.

I mulled over whether it bothered me to lose those comments and ultimately decided that it did. In many cases those "lost" comments added a lot of life and spice to the post itself so it made sense to me to uncover them so that they could continue to "do their job."

I haven't decided yet if I am going to re-install Intense Debate but if I do I will make certain that the old comments aren't covered. In the interim I need to see if I can export comments made in Intense Debate into Blogger.

A Better Father

2011-12-13T07:44:00.000-08:00

I am not the first person to say that they feel like they have been living through a bad dream nor will I be the last. But none of that changes the feelings of frustration that come from fighting ghosts, chasing shadows trying to catch the moon in a barrel.

These are things that I know aren't productive. These are things that don't lend themselves calm and serenity but for the longest time they have been a regular part of my reality. It doesn't matter if others have a harder life or more challenges because their struggles and their pain don't eliminate my own.

That doesn't preclude my feelings of gratitude for what I do have or compassion for those less fortunate because they still exist. It doesn't mean that I am unaware of the slippery slope that I stand upon either. It is because of this slippery slope that I push those things aside.

I cannot do anything but focus on securing a better foothold so that we don't get pushed over the edge of the waterfall. During the brief moments of calm and serenity I catch my breath, look around and remind myself that I have done a pretty good job of dealing with it all. I can see progress and daylight.

But that doesn't mean that I don't feel the pressure or the drive to do better, to be a better father. Because that whisper is what I hear. Be a better father. It is sort of an all inclusive thing that covers all of the areas where I feel I might be coming up short.

So I come back here to this blog where it all started and see the history of failures and success. I come home to Tara and remember who I am and what I am about and recognize that means accepting the changes that have come and embracing them.

The book that I am working on is coming along but isn't where I want it to be. I am hard on myself about this because I know that if I get it right I can make it so much more than it is. I am pushing because I see something that is good enough but I want better than good enough.

A better father doesn't settle for good enough or maybe he does. Maybe he does a better job of recognizing what battles to fight and what not to. I don't need to fight windmills or challenge the reflection in the mirror to fights that cannot be won.

Don't mistake the words that have been written here to mean that I don't love or feel comfortable at the new home because I have a deep love for that place too. It is just different than here and that is ok. It may be darkest before dawn but the damn dawn is coming and I don't need to be a better father to see it or get it.

Some days all we can do is play the hand we are dealt for one minute longer than the next guy. I can do that. I can be that better father.

Welcome to the Just Write project. It is a weekly exercise in free writing and ridding the mind of the flotsam and jetsam that sometimes collects there.

Monetizing The Blog

2011-12-12T08:40:00.000-08:00

Even though I may not spend as much time here as I used to there are still reasons to use this place and not just because I have taken steps to monetize it.

This joint is home and it doesn't matter where else I may live or what I do. I can fill it up with all sorts of toys, electronics and kitchen gear but I never forget what it looks like in its naked state. I am good with that.

Speaking of gear it is pretty darn close to Chanukah. Been out shopping for the kids. There are new Lego sets floating around and games for the 3DS. Got a few new ones for the Wii and some clothes for the girls that live here too.

But if I were shopping for me I would have to look into an iPad and or maybe a Kindle Fire. It kind of depends on my cash flow. I still want a new computer and a big screen television too. If I am allowed to dream I'd throw in a new car and a new cellphone.

Not to mention shoes, I need some shoes.

Chances are I'll probably end up with a couple of books and maybe a shirt, but I am good with that too.

Not Quite There

2011-12-08T00:40:00.001-08:00

I am still working on my book but it is not quite there yet. The post below this contains one rough draft but it looks like hell. Part of that is because the code from the other side has a problem with Blogger and so I end up with a bit of a mess.

But the truth is that it is not quite there at the other place either. I am actively working on it but my focus is on content and not how it is currently rendering. That is because I am going to go back and edit it. I may not spend much time rewriting blog posts but this is different.

This is different for a million different reasons. I feel a bit like I am wrestling with a lion and trying to keep that sucker from clawing, mauling and or biting me. Sometimes I hate these words and sometimes I love them.

But it doesn't matter because I am going to see this through. Going to see it through because I can't not do it. This is personal and I am obligated to myself to finish.