Dating & Relationships

Sex Berfore Marriage

2015-10-08T09:52:00.001-07:00

A lot of teens these days are taking something called the "purity pledge," wherein they vow not to have sex until they get married. Hey, I'm all for people putting off sex until they're adults and can handle the ramifications. Because even with safe sex, sex comes with responsibilities. It does tend to emotionally bond you to someone, and that can mean getting emotionally attached to the wrong person. Once sex enters the equation, a relationship is never the same. But one woman recently wrote about her “purity pledge” that went wrong. It led to an incredibly short starter marriage. Once she realized that she and her new husband had absolutely zero sexual chemistry, she counted down the days until she could get a divorce, which happened six months into their marriage. Here are five reasons to get rid of that purity pledge and do the dirty before you say "I do."
Sexual chemistry.
Jessica Ciencin Henriquez, who kept her "purity" until her wedding night, writes in Salon:

As Jessica found out, sexual chemistry is something that can really only be ascertained by, well, having sex. Jessica would make out for hours with her husband before their marriage, so she thought that would translate into awesome horizontal mambo. But it didn't.
Sexual identity.
I know too many couples where one partner was able to cover up his or her true sexual persuasion because he or she simply didn't have sex with anyone. Not having sex with the opposite sex can also mean you ignore those longings you might have for the same sex, and therefore don't acknowledge them.
Sex itself.
Not everyone is great in bed, and most people don't start out very good at all. A lot of good sex is about listening to your partner and being able to respond accordingly. But how do you know if someone is a good listener or responder unless you try it first?
Size.
Don't you want to know if your husband is packing a hunting rifle or a tiny little plastic kid's pistol? After all, he knows how big your boobs are. I'm not saying size would be a dealbreaker, but don't you have the right to know what's down there?
Sexual issues.
Sexual problems like premature ejaculation, inability to get an erection, or even an allergy to your partner’s semen are all possibilities, wouldn't you rather deal with those issues before you're married? This way you know if your future is even going to address them.
Let's face it, sex plays a big role in marriage. Just like you should discuss children, religion, and where you both want to live before tying the knot, sex is too big a part of a relationship to leave to chance.

Threats to New Relationships

2013-02-21T19:12:00.003-08:00

The most common way we sabotage new love possibilities is through what I call the Wave of Distancing (or simply, the Wave). The Wave occurs when we unconsciously push a caring and available person away by inwardly diminishing his or her worth. Our lack of training in the phenomenon of the Wave has led to the loss of countless relationships. Groucho captured it perfectly: "I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member." Here's what this phenomenon might look like: You're dating someone caring and available, and there has been at least a spark of attraction for you. And yet: • You can't find the sense of affection and desire you once had. • You keep getting irritated at them or bored by them. • Their flaws make you quickly lose respect for them, even if you don't show it • You start yearning for the excitement of the hunt • You feel like a fraud, pretending you're still interested when inside you just don't feel it anymore. This has huge implications for our romantic lives. If we can't navigate the Wave, we'll keep going after the wrong people and passing the right ones by. Related Articles Love at Any Age Love Is Not a Game Romance and Romantic Stories Romance and Marriage After 60 The Museum of Broken Relationships How many people do you know who've been in a new relationship, only to have their partner flee for no valid reason? Have you ever done the same to someone? Most of us have. I've seen many people change their entire relationship futures simply by recognizing the Wave for what it is -- and responding to it in a new way. So what do you do when the Wave hits? The main thing is to recognize that it is just a wave. And waves pass. In most cases, your affection just went temporarily underground. Even though you can't feel it, its probably still there. If you can just give yourself a bit of space - you're allowed! - and keep a sense of good will toward the person you're dating, the feelings almost always come back. It can help a lot to speak with friends who can remind us of what we like about that person. Sometimes a simple, "Are you nuts? This guy (or gal) is great!" can be enough to bring us back to our senses. And when the Wave passes, you'll probably find an added benefit. You'll have a clearer view of who this person is and what you feel for them. Have you ever gotten close to a bird's nest in the wild? It's very disconcerting. The mother bird's most precious possession is in danger, and she does wild things to keep you away from the nest. She may attack you, or she may act as if she has a broken wing, distracting you away from the nest. It is a desperate instinctual response to having her nest endangered. When someone is available and decent, something inside us knows they can get to our nest, our soul; the place where we care the most and can be hurt the most. And our unconscious gets panicked. It does whatever it can do to get us away. Like the protective bird, it creates a ruse; anything at all to keep the nest safe. And the Wave can completely throw us off course - unless we know better. Let's briefly explore another rich dimension of this wave. When we risked our heart in the past and were met with coldness, distance or abuse, some part of us learned that there is something shameful about being so vulnerable. So now, when someone becomes vulnerable with us, our old wounds come back and unconsciously instruct us that there is something shameful in our partner's vulnerability. The more we've been shamed for our openheartedness, the more we will be prone to the Wave. It can be tremendously helpful to do deeper therapeutic work to heal these wounds. But whether or not you choose to do deeper work on this issue, the techniques I'm describing can still help immensely when the Wave hits. In fact, when you are in the Wave, it may be time to celebrate! You may well have just found someone who is really good for you. Please know that I'm not advocating that you settle for less, or that you discount your intuition when someone doesn't feel right for you. What I am suggesting is that you simply let the Wave pass, and let the affection wash back in. And then see how you feel. Do that as many times as you need to. It may change your dating life. Have you experienced the Wave in your dating life? Please join us in our discussion and tell us your story, and what you learned from it. Are you in the Wave now with someone? Let us know what happens.

18 Steps for Long Distance Relationships

2012-09-11T13:11:00.002-07:00

Ask the important questions at the onset, to make sure you are both clear on the parameters of the relationship. Setting parameters such as naming your relationship (dating, seeing each other, boyfriend-girlfriend, engaged) as well as defining exclusive (limited to one person,) or non-exclusive. These can be difficult and awkward questions to ask, but will save you great heartache and misunderstanding down the line. Example: "Are you open to the possibility of relocating if the relationship should become more serious?" or "What are you looking to get out of the relationship?" Stating your end goal or ideas will allow each person to maintain what they need. 2 Do things together. Defy the distance. As a long distance couple, it's important to do other things together besides the usual phone call. In a long distance relationship, interaction over the phone can become dull in the long run. Incorporating other forms of interaction are important. Just think... People in short-distance relationships do not spend the majority of their time talking, but rather doing things with each other. Try to replicate this by finding things to do together such as watching a TV show or movie simultaneously. Here's a free list of 100+ things you can do with your long distance partner. 3 Consider using Skype video chat calls every day or as often as possible, text messaging, phone calls and email every day. It is important to maintain contact and to be in each others daily lives as much as possible. 4 Communicate in some way every day, more than once if possible. Since you won't be seeing each other, it's important to establish and maintain an emotional connection. These don't always have to be long, in-depth conversations. Tell each other about your little triumphs and tragedies. Ask on for advice. Use an instant messenger program or VoIP for real-time chat, or web cams for that visual connection. E-mail is great so make sure you use it, especially if long-distance phone calls put a strain on your budget. Ensure the e-mails are substantive and detailed, it will show that you care enough to put in the time and effort. Write love letters. Send small gifts, cards, or send flowers for no reason. In this case, quantity is as important as quality. You may discover an advantage over others whose partner is close at hand—you don't take communication for granted! You can set up reminders, including automatically-recurring reminders, for this purpose in calendaring software on your computer or online. This is especially important when you don't have much contact with the others friends to remember important events such as birthdays. 5 Take advantage of the benefits a long distance relationship offers: more time with friends and/or family, no arguments over toothpaste caps, the pleasure of seeing your sweetheart again after a long absence, time to mull your options (rather than snapping at your partner impulsively) before you respond to that email s/he wrote that seemed so rude the first time you read it, not being dragged into a bunch of chick flicks, etc. Most important, being far apart gives you a chance to maintain your individuality—something that can get lost in the shuffle when couples spend all their free time together. Here are additional benefits of long distance relationships. 6 Pursue common interests, even if it means pursuing them apart. If there's a movie you're both interested in seeing, watch it individually and then call each other afterward and talk about it. Read a certain book at the same time. Stargaze while you're on the phone. Set your watches to go off at the same time every day, and synchronize your alarm with that of your partner. Make it a point to think of each other when your watch goes off, and revel in the fact that he or she is thinking about you, too. Find creative ways to bond. 7 Avoid the temptation to be controlling. People have free will and no one can or should control another person. As long as you are both interested in being in the relationship, you will stick with it and distance will not make a difference. As soon as one of you decides the other is not a good match—or someone else is a better match—your relationship ends, whether you live 3000 miles apart, two streets over, or share the same bed with your wedding picture on the wall. You are going to have to trust each other completely if this relationship is going to work. 8 Try challenging each other. This is not the same as being controlling. You may find that you can do things for each other that you couldn't quite find the motivation to do on your own. Perhaps you could motivate yourselves to get some exercise or to cook better or more often. It will give you something to do while you wait to see your partner again, and it will give you both something to strive for and talk about until then. 9 Talk about your future together. Assuming that ultimately you'd want to live together, discussing how you're going to get to that point will help you prove to each other that the relationship is going somewhere and that your efforts and frustrations are not in vain. 10 Remember: Things will get better with time, and even the relationship will become better. Have hope. 11 Visit often. Try to make the time to visit each other as often as possible or as often as your budget permits you to. A relationship cannot thrive if the only thing you have is the phone call. You need to see each other up close and personal every chance you get. The key here is to set up some "rules" about frequency of communication and visits and stick to them. Consistency can help a long-distance relationship survive. 12 Avoid jealousy and be trusting. One of the easiest ways to destroy a perfectly healthy relationship is to poison it with jealousy and drama. When you start a long distance relationship, you must be realistic of the difficulties ahead. It always helps if you go in a relationship with the idea that everyone is innocent and worthy of trust until proven otherwise. Don't fall in the trap of interrogating your partner every time he/she decides to go out for a drink with people you haven't met or he/she didn't get back to you right away when you called and left a message. Just because you are in a long-distance relationship doesn't mean your lives will pause. Your partner will naturally have a social life where he/she lives and so should you. Sure, it helps to have your eyes open and not be totally naive, but being overly suspicious is unhealthy for you and your relationship too. You should both maintain your social activity and be happy with yourselves. 13 Be positive. Staying positive and not focusing on the negative aspects of a long-distance relationship is essential to keeping your relationship blooming and your partner content. Being away from your sweetie is not all bad news. Use the opportunity of personal time to pursue your interests and hobbies as well as your career objectives. Another positive point is that long distance dating pushes both of you to be more creative, to communicate better since you don't have "face-to-face" time and to test (and express) your feelings. As long as you see the long-distance relationship as a temporary state, you will keep your chin up and transmit that feeling of security and happiness to your partner too. 14 Give them a personal object of yours so in a time of need, when they miss you, they are able to hold on to something that once belonged to you. This will provide comfort, happiness, and the thought of being with you. 15 Work towards a balanced relationship between partners. A relationship must be built on strong foundations of trust, understanding and determination to make it work. The key is to ensure that an equal amount of effort is made by both parties. The two partners should be reasonable about their expectations and willing to cooperate so that the relationship can lead to a happy ending. If these parameters are taken care of, you have nothing to worry about. But don't forget to ask some questions because if you don't, your partner may start to think that you're losing interest. 16 Create your own set of relationship standards that both of you have mutually agreed upon. That creates a common goal for you to work towards, developing a strong relationship whether you are together or apart. For example, agree to disagree, accept each other as you are, practice trust and honesty, strive towards compromise and self-sacrifice, seek spiritual unity, and maintain open communication. 17 Remember that you're still in a relationship. You HAVE to be there for your partner. If your partner is ever in trouble, or hurt, or whatever, you have to be there for them.Make sure you are available to them so that they can reach you if they need you. If they end up dealing with everything alone, they will eventually not need you. And sometimes, distance permitting of course, that means being actually, physically there for them. 18 Because time together is rare, when you do see each other, take as much advantage as possible of your ability to get intimate with each other. You don't have that privilege during those stretches when you can’t be with each other physically. You’ve got to keep those feelings of excitement and attraction alive or they will wane in time.

How to tell kids about divorce.

2012-07-12T01:07:00.000-07:00

Children and Divorce Helping kids cope with separation and divorce Children & Separation or Divorce For children, divorce can be stressful, sad, and confusing. At any age, kids may feel uncertain or angry at the prospect of mom and dad splitting up. As a parent, you can make the process and its effects less painful for your children. Helping your kids cope with divorce means providing stability in your home and attending to your children’s needs with a reassuring, positive attitude. It won’t be a seamless process, but these tips can help your children cope. In This Article: Supporting your child What to tell your kids Listen and offer reassurance Provide stability and structure Take care of yourself Work with your ex Know when to seek help As a parent, it’s normal to feel uncertain about how to give your children the right support through your divorce or separation. It may be uncharted territory, but you can successfully navigate this unsettling time—and help your kids emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and strong. There are many ways you can help your kids adjust to separation or divorce. Your patience, reassurance, and listening ear can minimize tension as children learn to cope with new circumstances. By providing routines kids can rely on, you remind children they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. And if you can maintain a working relationship with your ex, you can help kids avoid the stress that comes with watching parents in conflict. Such a transitional time can’t be without some measure of hardship, but you can powerfully reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority. What I need from my mom and dad: A child’s list of wants I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions. When you don’t stay involved, I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t really love me. Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty. I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other. Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth. When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side. Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems. Source: University of Missouri Helping children cope with divorce: What to tell your kids When it comes to telling your kids about your divorce, many parents freeze up. Make the conversation a little easier on both yourself and your children by preparing significantly before you sit down to talk. If you can anticipate tough questions, deal with your own anxieties ahead of time, and plan carefully what you’ll be telling them, you will be better equipped to help your children handle the news. What to say and how to say it Difficult as it may be to do, try to strike an empathetic tone and address the most important points right up front. Give your children the benefit of an honest—but kid-friendly—explanation. Tell the truth. Your kids are entitled to know why you are getting a divorce, but long-winded reasons may only confuse them. Pick something simple and honest, like “We can’t get along anymore.” You may need to remind your children that while sometimes parents and kids don't always get along, parents and kids don't stop loving each other or get divorced from each other. Say “I love you.” However simple it may sound, letting your children know that your love for them hasn’t changed is a powerful message. Tell them you’ll still be caring for them in every way, from fixing their breakfast to helping with homework. Address changes. Preempt your kids’ questions about changes in their lives by acknowledging that some things will be different now, and other things won’t. Let them know that together you can deal with each detail as you go. Avoid blaming It’s vital to be honest with your kids, but without being critical of your spouse. This can be especially difficult when there have been hurtful events, such as infidelity, but with a little diplomacy, you can avoid playing the blame game. Present a united front. As much as you can, try to agree in advance on an explanation for your separation or divorce—and stick to it. Plan your conversations. Make plans to talk with your children before any changes in the living arrangements occur. And plan to talk when your spouse is present, if possible. Show restraint. Be respectful of your spouse when giving the reasons for the separation. How much information to give Especially at the beginning of your separation or divorce, you’ll need to pick and choose how much to tell your children. Think carefully about how certain information will affect them. Be age-aware. In general, younger children need less detail and will do better with a simple explanation, while older kids may need more information. Share logistical information. Do tell kids about changes in their living arrangements, school, or activities, but don’t overwhelm them with the details. Keep it real. No matter how much or how little you decide to tell your kids, remember that the information should be truthful above all else. Helping children cope with divorce: Listen and reassure Support your children by helping them express emotions, and commit to truly listening to these feelings without getting defensive. Your next job is reassurance—assuaging fears, straightening misunderstandings, and showing your unconditional love. The bottom line: kids need to know that your divorce isn’t their fault. Help kids express feelings For kids, divorce can feel like loss: the loss of a parent, the loss of the life they know. You can help your children grieve and adjust to new circumstances by supporting their feelings. Listen. Encourage your child to share their feelings and really listen to them. They may be feeling sadness, loss or frustration about things you may not have expected. Help them find words for their feelings. It’s normal for children to have difficulty expressing their feelings. You can help them by noticing their moods and encouraging them to talk. Let them be honest. Children might be reluctant to share their true feelings for fear of hurting you. Let them know that whatever they say is okay. If they aren’t able to share their honest feelings, they will have a harder time working through them. Acknowledge their feelings. You may not be able to fix their problems or change their sadness to happiness, but it is important for you to acknowledge their feelings rather than dismissing them. You can also inspire trust by showing that you understand. Clearing up misunderstandings Many kids believe that they had something to do with the divorce, recalling times they argued with their parents, received poor grades, or got in trouble. You can help your kids let go of this misconception. Set the record straight. Repeat why you decided to get a divorce. Sometimes hearing the real reason for your decision can help. Be patient. Kids may seem to “get it” one day and be unsure the next. Treat your child’s confusion or misunderstandings with patience. Reassure. As often as you need to, remind your children that both parents will continue to love them and that they are not responsible for the divorce. Give reassurance and love Children have a remarkable ability to heal when given the support and love they need. Your words, actions, and ability to remain consistent are all important tools to reassure your children of your unchanging love. Both parents will be there. Let your kids know that even though the physical circumstances of the family unit will change, they can continue to have healthy, loving relationships with both of their parents. It’ll be okay. Tell kids that things won’t always be easy, but that they will work out. Knowing it’ll be all right can provide incentive for your kids to give a new situation a chance. Closeness. Physical closeness—in the form of hugs, pats on the shoulder, or simple proximity—has a powerful way of reassuring your child of your love. Be honest. When kids raise concerns or anxieties, respond truthfully. If you don’t know the answer, say gently that you aren’t sure right now, but you’ll find out and it will be okay. Helping children cope with divorce: Provide stability and structure Helping children cope with divorceWhile it’s good for kids to learn to be flexible, adjusting to many new things at once can be very difficult. Help your kids adjust to change by providing as much stability and structure as possible in their daily lives. Remember that establishing structure and continuity doesn’t mean that you need rigid schedules or that mom and dad’s routines need to be exactly the same. But creating some regular routines at each household and consistently communicating to your children what to expect will provide your kids with a sense of calm and stability. The comfort of routines The benefit of schedules and organization for younger children is widely recognized, but many people don’t realize that older children appreciate routine, as well. Kids feel safer and more secure when they know what to expect next. Knowing that, even when they switch homes, dinnertime is followed by a bath and then homework, for example, can set a child’s mind at ease. Maintaining routine also means continuing to observe rules, rewards, and discipline with your children. Resist the temptation to spoil kids during a divorce by not enforcing limits or allowing them to break rules. Helping children cope with divorce: Take care of yourself Need More Help with DepressionNeed More Help with Divorce? Helpguide's Bring Your Life into Balance mindfulness toolkit can help. The first safety instruction for an airplane emergency is to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child. The take-home message: take care of yourself so that you can be there for your kids. Your own recovery If you are able to be calm and emotionally present, your kids will feel more at ease. The following are steps you can take toward improving your own well-being and outlook: Exercise often and eat a healthy diet. Exercise relieves the pent-up stress and frustration that are commonplace with divorce. And although cooking for one can be difficult, eating healthfully will make you feel better, inside and out—so skip the fast food. See friends often. It may be tempting to hole up and not see friends and family who will inevitably ask about the divorce—but the reality is that you need the distraction. Ask friends to avoid the topic; they’ll understand. Keep a journal. Writing down your feelings, thoughts, and moods can help you release tension, sadness, and anger. As time passes, you can look back on just how far you’ve come. You’ll need support At the very least, divorce is complicated and stressful—and can be devastating without support. Lean on friends. Talk to friends or a support group about your bitterness, anger, frustration—whatever the feeling may be—so you don’t take it out on your kids. Never vent negative feelings to your child. Whatever you do, do not use your child to talk it out like you would with a friend. Keep laughing. Try to inject humor and play into your life and the lives of your children as much as you can; it can relieve stress and give you all a break from sadness and anger. See a therapist. If you are feeling intense anger, fear, grief, shame, or guilt, find a professional to help you work through those feelings. Helping children cope with divorce: Work with your ex Struggling to make joint custody work? See Tips for Divorced Parents Conflict between parents—separated or not—can be very damaging for kids. It’s crucial to avoid putting your children in the middle of your fights, or making them feel like they have to choose between you. Rules of thumb Remember that your goal is to avoid lasting stress and pain for your children. The following tips can save them a lot of heartache. Take it somewhere else. Never argue in front of your children, whether it’s in person or over the phone. Ask your ex to talk another time, or drop the conversation altogether. Use tact. Refrain from talking with your children about details of their other parent’s behavior. It’s the oldest rule in the book: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Be nice. Be polite in your interactions with your ex-spouse. This not only sets a good example for your kids but can also cause your ex to be gracious in response. Look on the bright side. Choose to focus on the strengths of all family members. Encourage children to do the same. Work on it. Make it a priority to develop an amicable relationship with your ex-spouse as soon as possible. Watching you be friendly can reassure children and teach problem-solving skills as well. The big picture If you find yourself, time after time, locked in battle with your ex over the details of parenting, try to step back and remember the bigger purpose at hand. Relationship with both parents. What’s best for your kids in the long run? Having a good relationship with both of their parents throughout their lives. The long view. If you can keep long-term goals—your children’s physical and mental health, your independence—in mind, you may be able to avoid disagreements about daily details. Think ahead in order to stay calm. Everyone’s well-being. The happiness of your children, yourself, and, yes, even your ex, should be the broad brushstrokes in the big picture of your new lives after divorce. Helping children cope with divorce: Know when to seek help Some children go through divorce with relatively few problems, while others have a very difficult time. It’s normal for kids to feel a range of difficult emotions, but time, love, and reassurance should help them to heal. If your kids remain overwhelmed, though, you may need to seek professional help. Normal reactions to separation and divorce Although strong feelings can be tough on kids, the following reactions can be considered normal for children. Anger. Your kids may express their anger, rage, and resentment with you and your spouse for destroying their sense of normalcy. Anxiety. It’s natural for children to feel anxious when faced with big changes in their lives. Mild depression. Sadness about the family’s new situation is normal, and sadness coupled with a sense of hopelessness and helplessness is likely to become a mild form of depression. It will take some time for your kids to work through their issues about the separation or divorce, but you should see gradual improvement over time. Red flags for more serious problems If things get worse rather than better after several months, it may be a sign that your child is stuck in depression, anxiety, or anger and could use some additional support. Watch for these warning signs of divorce-related depression or anxiety: Sleep problems Poor concentration Trouble at school Drug or alcohol abuse Self-injury, cutting, or eating disorders Frequent angry or violent outbursts Withdrawal from loved ones Refusal of loved activities Discuss these or other divorce-related warning-signs with your child’s doctor, teachers, or consult a child therapist for guidance on coping with specific problems.

How to Financially Prepare for Divorce

2012-07-12T01:03:00.000-07:00

The writing is on the wall: Your marriage is ending and the fallout of your once-blissful relationship will leave some painful and visible scars. Divorce is inevitable, and if you think the process is going to get nasty, it's time to prepare for the worst and get your finances in order to mitigate any collateral (literally) damage. Here are some tips to financially prepare for divorce and make sure you survive without any permanent monetary scars. Get an attorney It might cost you a couple of thousand dollars for a retainer, but hire an attorney as soon as you can when you are trying to financially prepare for divorce. You do not necessarily have to strike first and serve papers, but you want some assistance in beginning correspondence with your future ex-spouse and some help putting things in writing. For instance, your joint credit card or home equity line: As long as you are married and both names are on the account, the liabilities of those credit lines are split 50/50. The creditor could care less if your ex spent $5,000 on her girls' shopping trip to spite you or get you steamed -- you are responsible for half of it. However, if you have a documented, certified communication to your ex from your attorney, in a nasty settlement proceeding the judge may award you damages in your favor. It may not directly get you off the hook from the creditor, but it can’t hurt. At the very least, your attorney can help advise you on the entire situation -- he has likely seen every imaginable divorce situation. Get financially up-to-date You may hate talking to your spouse about anything, much less something as sensitive as finances, but now (more than ever) you need to be fully aware of the complete financial situation at hand. You need to understand all of your outstanding debts -- not just what the two of you have jointly, but also individually. With the assistance of your attorney, ask for a full disclosure of all financial records and accounts. You want to understand the full picture as it pertains to credit card accounts, home equity lines and even other items such as past IRS taxes, student loans, business debts, and department store charge cards to avoid any unforeseen surprises. You should also be prepared to disclose your full financial position. Get your own accounts Once it is certain that divorce is inevitable, in order to financially prepare yourself you should immediately begin establishing your own accounts that are only in your name. This includes checking, credit cards, savings, retirement, and even things like car insurance. You should start routing all of your deposits and paychecks through this account. Any asset account with both of your names listed will potentially be split 50/50, and you may not be so fond of your spouse using your money to pay off her credit cards and attorney fees. Sort out mortgage/rent payments If you have purchased a home together or are both on the lease of your current domicile, you need to take this issue under strong consideration when you financially prepare for divorce. The creditors expect the payments to be made regardless of your personal situation. You may want to move out as soon as you see this relationship is toast, but doing so may hurt your claim to the home and, again, you are still responsible for at least 50% of the mortgage payments. In some cases, the two spouses can come to an arrangement about who keeps the house and what concessions are to be made. However, more often than not, a sale of the home can be mandated by the judge to make the settlement process simpler and cleaner. There are a few more things you need to remember when you financially prepare for divorce.. Share Email Print RSS Pages: 12 Prepare For Divorce iStockphoto.com You do not want to be in a worst-case scenario where your spouse is living in your old home and you are still paying the bills. If you are the primary breadwinner you should continue to make mortgage payments and enlist your attorney to keep records of these -- you will not want late payments or foreclosure to show up on your credit score (which will be very important in your newfound single life). Divorce proceedings can take months, and if you have been 100% footing the mortgage during that time, you can take the position that the settlement agreement reflects your contributions to the mortgage. Changes to the will If you have a will, this should immediately be discussed and adjusted based on the divorce settlement agreement when you financially prepare for divorce. It may not happen for many years, but imagine how you would be rolling over in your grave if your estate were passed to your ex-wife 40 years from now. You should have your attorney consider things about who would be the executor of the estate or, if you have children, how children from your current marriage may be treated when compared with possible children or stepchildren from a future marriage. There are often horror stories of the children from the first marriage being left with nothing as the second wife takes control and passes on the goods to her children. From a legal perspective, divorce is best when it is a clean break. So, to financially prepare for divorce, reviewing your estate plan, no matter how small, will help to avoid any gray areas down the road -- some of which may take years to surface. Child support If you have children, child support will absolutely be an issue when you financially prepare for divorce. Child support rules are established by each state, but there are no formal rules. Basically, the state expects the parents to be able to come to an agreement that is equitable to the children and that does not affect their accustomed standard of living. That may not be reality, but the state will always put the children first. The state publishes guidelines based on your combined incomes and how many children you have, so that would be a starting place to review what is actually real when you financially prepare for divorce. If you won't have primary custody of the children, accept that you will be paying some form of child support. How much you pay is up to you and your spouse -- and your financial situation as it pertains to the children. If you and your spouse cannot find a common ground, you will be at the mercy of the court to make a recommendation based on the information presented by your attorneys. divorce dos and don'ts In a rocky relationship, divorce may seem like the quick and easy answer to personal liberation and an opportunity to start again. It may very well be just that (and it can be), but if you don't come to terms with the financial picture from the onset of divorce proceedings quickly, you may find yourself in a world of financial troubles for many months -- or even years -- to come. When it comes to financial planning and divorce, maintain your composure, get your records together and consider enlisting the help of qualified professionals. A definitive agreement now will save both you and your spouse a lot of financial and emotional pain down the road. It will also make it infinitely easier to establish your own life -- and even to get involved with someone else -- after the divorce.

How to Catch a Cheating Spouse

2012-07-12T00:55:00.000-07:00

Click Here! How to Catch a Cheating Spouse woman thinking How can I find out if my husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on me? It can be very difficult to catch a cheating spouse. Understandably, most people do not know how to investigate a spouse. Tips, resources and advice to help you discover the truth can be found at the bottom of this page (take me there now). But, if you want to catch a cheater, it often helps to understand the nature of the problem at hand. Why is it so difficult to catch a cheating husband or wife? Catching a cheating partner is difficult because cheaters have an unfair advantage when it comes to infidelity. In fact, most infidelity goes undetected, or unproven, because the rules of the game tend to favor those who cheat. How does this work? Exploiting Trust Most people have a strong desire to believe what a partner has to say. Trusting a partner creates a sense of security and comfort. No one really wants to think that a spouse may be lying, especially when it comes to infidelity (see, love is blind). Rather than assume the worst, it's often easier to believe a "pleasant lie" than to acknowledge an "devastating truth." In fact, some people work very hard to overlook a spouse's infidelity, because to acknowledge the alternative is much too painful. This helps explain why the spouse is typically the last to know: Because knowing always causes a faithful spouse the most pain. And cheating spouses take advantage of this. Cheaters often exploit their partner's desire to trust by telling their partners exactly what they want to hear ("I would never cheat on you."). Signs of a Cheating Partner Cheating spouses not only exploit their partner’s desire to trust, but there are few hard and fast signs of infidelity. Cues of infidelity vary widely, from situation to situation, and from relationship to relationship; making it impossible to provide a list of behaviors that is useful with a high degree of accuracy. Though in hindsight, the warnings signs are ALWAYS obvious. In fact, there are so many "telltale" lists of infidelity cues that it is hard to know what to believe (see, signs of cheating). Given all the different lists that exist, it helps to keep the following in mind: Providing a list of the signs of cheating is often counterproductive. First, any given behavior is open to multiple interpretations. Does a spouse's sudden interest in losing weight signal infidelity? Or could it be due to some other reason? The explanation for any behavior is never as clear-cut as we would like to believe. Furthermore, looking for signs of infidelity tends to fuels one’s suspicion. For instance, does your spouse clear his or her call log after each call? Dwelling on such matters tends to make people more anxious and suspicious. And the way people generally handle their suspicion ends up helping a cheating spouse. Suspicion Tends to Help Cheaters woman cryingSuspicion is a very strong emotion and it's difficult to hide. Suspicious individuals tend to signal their doubts by making accusations, acting insecure and anxious, being overly inquisitive, and so on. And a cheating spouse’s worst fear is getting caught. So, cheating spouses constantly monitor their partners for signs of suspicion. And if a cheating spouse detects suspicion, he/she will adjust his/her behavior to better hide and conceal the affair. Simply speaking, suspicion tends to help cheaters cheat more effectively. If your spouse is cheating, and you signal your doubts and suspicions, it's going to be much more difficult to discover the truth (see, common mistakes). When you put it all together, cheaters have the advantage: Both, trust and suspicion, tend to work in their favor. So, how can you catch a cheating spouse? If you suspect infidelity, do not confront your spouse until you have proof. And while it is helpful to talk to partners about most relationship problems, this is NOT the case when it comes to infidelity. A cheating spouse will almost never admit to infidelity, unless presented with evidence to the contrary. Even when presented with evidence, some spouses continue to lie (see, husband won't confess). Along the same line, while there are many tactics that you can use to get a partner to be more truthful, these tactics fail to work when it comes to infidelity. Despite these problems, there are several practical methods for catching a cheating spouse. All of these methods rely on some form of surveillance and careful observation. And while these methods can raise some ethical issues (see, is it ethical to spy on a spouse), they also tend to be very effective. These methods allow you to establish proof of an affair. No matter what your situation might be, there is most likely a way to discover the truth. Click Here!

How to know if you are in love? (SOUL MATES)

2012-07-12T00:52:00.000-07:00

Soul Mates are an experience. You will find that throughout your life, you will have many, many opportunities to connect with, or link up with, those that you have had experiences with before. It may have been in other planes of existence, in other lives, or in many other ways. So yes, you could call many of these relationships soul mates.

When two people connect and have a feeling of familiarity or a sense that they are connected for some reason other than they can imagine or know with their minds, often it is because they have soul mate qualities. You can even make a new soul mate in this life if you choose. So, let us create clarity with this question of, "What is a soul mate?"

A soul mate is a person or a being that you have a connection with from a soul level. I'm defining soul connection as being of greater expression, greater desire, or greater connection than just the purpose of connecting in your physical body. Soul mates come in many expressions.

When you do connect with someone with whom you have created a soul agreement to come together--to acknowledge one another--it can be an easy experience. Or, it can be a difficult experience. It depends on what you both decide you want to co-create and why you both came together.

Sometimes soul mates come together to wake each other up. Sometimes that can be a painful experience. Sometimes soul mates come together because they have achieved great heights. They have manifested great awarenesses in previous lives and are coming together in this life to celebrate and to bring forth more light upon this planet.

You see, we also have soul-groups. I bet that you can recognize many people that are in your soul-group already. However, I get a feeling that this questioner has more personal love interests in mind.

Yes, you can connect with a person that has the qualities of a soul mate, and they can be a significant relationship in the love interest area. Yes, you can create a relationship that flows easily and effortlessly. In this relationship there may be an awareness that you perhaps have differences. There may also be a willingness to create a place to allow each other to have their individual expression without feeling that one's nature needs to react because of lack or scarcity. That will allow the relationship to flow.

You will find that when two people come together who are soul mates, they will have made an agreement to benefit each other and to help in each other's lives in some way. Through their compatibilities, you will usually find they have a spiritual connection as their primary attraction. Then it will blend on an emotional level, and then you will find the mental. The last level to be discovered between soul mates is often the physical connection. Sometimes there will be a spark placed there to create the attraction so that you may find each other again. We are in a body, yes!? Therefore, the physical cannot be left out.

Does True Love Exist?

2012-02-12T05:19:00.000-08:00

Does true love really exist? You know, the kismet kind. The kind that envelopes two spirits before they’ve even met; the kind Shakespeare must have been writing about in Romeo and Juliet.

Does true love really exist? You know, the kismet kind. The kind that envelopes two spirits before they've even met; the kind Shakespeare must have been writing about in Romeo and Juliet; the kind that makes you give up everything familiar, moral, safe, to walk in the direction of destiny.

Though true love appears to be an under-researched topic, Dr. Dennis Neder, an ordained minister and doctor of metaphysics, does advise love has three phases: the infatuation stage, the bonding stage and the familiar stage. He says it helps to consider all three phases when trying to figure out whether or not it's the real thing.

But, if it's true love, does it warrant dissecting and breaking down into stages? Do you have to consider anything at all; or, is it just “so”?

One Discovery.com author wrote there are nine ways to tell if the love you have for your partner is the real thing:

1. You feel good.
2. You look forward to spending time with your partner.
3. You respect your partner.
4. You're interested in what your partner thinks.
5. You accept your partner's quirks.
6. You're able to work through your problems.
7. You feel safe. (You're not afraid of losing your partner.)
8. You can't explain why you're together.
9. You don't compare your partner to others.

“True love is when you care enough for another person to allow them the space and time they need to become all they can be,” says Christiane Northrup, M.D., author of Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom (Bantam, 1998).

Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D., and Gay Hendricks, Ph.D., authors of Everlasting Love, say true love occurs when you shift from unconscious commitment to conscious commitment.
But is it really that clinical?

Cassandra Black, the author of Samantha's Cravings, (http://www.SamanthasCravings.com) a new novel about love, laced with improper timing, infidelity, choices and consequences, says she is a simple romanticist.

“I believe true love exists. Of course it does,” says Black. “But I think we are so numb in society today that many of us wouldn't recognize it if it bopped us over the head. Maybe it has been relegated to medieval times. We live in a too-fast society, riddled with rote, which is often the hurdle to subconscious, fateful wanderings of the heart.”

Ms. Black says when doing research for her book, she interviewed several women who talked about that one special someone. “Everyone knows who that one true love is in their lives if they've met them. But it takes courage to choose them; courage often strapped by fear and society's characterization of morality.”

57 Valentine's Day Ideas

2012-02-12T05:14:00.000-08:00

It’s almost that time of the year again…Valentine’s day. It’s silently expected from your girl that you do something special for her, something to show her how much you love her. But what do you do for Valentine’s day this year?

Personally I think that Valentine’s day, Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day have become way too commercialized. It is stamped into your mind by social conditioning that you need to spend money on these days to show people that you care about them.

What happened to, ‘The best things in life are free’? Love is totally independent from material cost or possessions. I’m sure that you’d much rather spend the day taking a walk on the beach with the person you love than getting a $5000 watch from them while they’re too busy to see you. (I bet some of you will say you’d rather have the watch but in that case it’s not really love).
Valentines Day Ideas

Valentines Day Ideas

This brings me back to my main point. It’s Valentine’s day, and what do you do for your girl?
I was thinking of some things that I could do, like:

Booking a night in a luxurious hotel room for $200+ or booking a night in a spa hotel for $600+. Heck, you could even take her out for a fancy dinner which will likely cost you around $80 or more.

I think that you should do something special for your girl on Valentine’s Day, but it doesn’t necessarily have to cost you a lot of money. Often the most memorable and meaningful gifts are ones that are handmade or gifts that offer experiences (like a picnic on the beach at sunset).

57 Valentines Day Ideas

I’ve written all of these ideas from the perspective of guy to girl, but ladies, of course you can use any one of these ideas to make your man’s Valentine’s Day special too.

Pack a Picnic

Whether you just go for a lunch in a park or do a romantic evening picnic on the beach at sunset, the idea is that you get to spend quality time together, chat, laugh an enjoy great food.

Cook Her Dinner

This is really special if you hardly ever cook. Get a tasty recipe with all her favorite food and cook it at home for her. Add candles and a couple of roses and you’re set! (If you can’t cook you might want to practice the recipe before the actual day).

Play Her A Song (Yourself)

Imagine being able to play your girl’s favorite song on piano or guitar. She’ll be crazy about you!
Even if you have no musical experience, if you have the instrument it’s not that hard to learn a single song. Just search on Youtube for a tutorial and you will find dozens of videos that teach you note for note how to play the song you are looking for. Depending on the song you can learn to play it with a couple of hours of practice.

DVD Night With Sweets

It’s kind of cliche really, but still fun. Hire a couple of DVD’s (romantic comedy/drama get bonus points), pack your fridge full of cake, chocolate and her favorite sweets and enjoy an evening of cuddling and fun.

Under The Stars

Do you live in a place where you can see the stars at night? Then find a place where you can safely and privately relax, pack a blanket and cooler box with champagne and spend some romantic time under the stars together.

Flowers and Candles

This is also very cliche but your girl will still love it. Beautiful flowers or the bed covered in rose petals. Lots of candles around the bedroom. Let her come home and lead her into the bedroom like that and it’ll be a perfect Valentine’s day for her.

Take Her Dancing

If you know how to dance then this is an especially nice thing to do for V-day. Whatever your style of music (salsa, jazz, ballroom), if you can find a nice restaurant or club where youc an dance slowly and romantically she’ll love it!

Give Her a Massage

Not just a short 5 minute massage but a to-die-for massage. Learn the proper technique, get massage oils and lotions and pamper her for at least an hour or even two.

Scavenger Hunt

Plan an adventure with clues and little rewards leading up to a big treasure. This can be done in your house but also outside in the city or forest. If you’re feeling creative this could be a lot of fun.

Rent a Hotel Room

Even if the hotel is right next door to where you live, the whole luxury thing makes the day and night seem like a perfect romantic getaway. I know it’s expensive and you should only do this if you can afford it and because you really want to do it. Don’t do this just because it’s Valentine’s day.
Make Her a Mixed Tape

Well, in today’s time it’ll be a mixed CD. Get all her favorite songs and some of the most romantic songs of all time and compile it on a CD that you’ll give to her and play on the day at your place.
Look deep into his/her eyes with love and say ‘I Love You’

You may never have said it before or may you be so used to saying ‘I love you’ that it has lost meaning. If you really love your partner then say ‘I love you’ this time like it counts.
Take her out for a long drive at night.

Whether it be on a scenic drive out into the country or right through the heart of the city, a long drive with just the two of you can be incredibly intimate.
Plan a dinner out with your loved one.

It can be at a fancy restaurant, a posh place with a view or even some hippie joint with great food. If you want to make it really special, go to the place where you had your first dinner date together.
Surprise her.

Give her the dress or shoes she left at the store because there was no money or it just seemed like too much at the time.
Give her a plant.

Pot a plant in her garden which will grow up and remind her of you everyday, she crosses the garden.
Send her romantic love quotes.

You can give her a book, you can write a page, you can record a video. Give her a selection of romantic love poems that you think apply to her and your relationship together.
Give her a CD with pictures.

Make a selection of all the best pictures you’ve taken in your time together. This will be an amazing memory and very thoughtful from your side. Ladies, if you want to surprise your man, make him a CD with lots of naughty pictures of yourself.
Arrange a pool party for her at night.

Find a private pool you can use or rent at night. Make sure there are lights under water, and place candles all around the pool.

Go Clubbing

There’s nothing wrong with some wild partying and clubbing on Valentines day. Just the two of you, go out and have fun. You can even pretend like it’s the first time you’re meeting each other and flirt and roleplay.
Sexy Times

If you want to appear wild, give her red, hot lingerie. She can put it on for you right away.
Fake Stay-Away

Surprise her by saying that you won’t be in the city but convince her to stay in that night. Show up at her door with dinner and a movie.
Breakfast in Bed

Serve a breakfast in her bed in the morning of Valentine’s Day. Add her favorite dishes to it.
Perfume

It might be cliche, but personally I can never get enough of my favorite perfume/cologne.Gift a perfume which she loves.
Baths & Spas

Women love to have romantic baths and spas. Make her both, especially with scented soaps, floating candles and message oils.

A Simple Card

Make a valentine’s Day card, full of the feelings you have for your valentine.
Home-Made Movie

If you’re any good with video editing you can make a very special and meaningful gift by combining and editing footage of her and of the two of you. This is really where you can get creative.

Take Her Shopping

All girls love shopping. Tell her you want to spoil her and let her choose whatever she wants. This may be very expensive so be sure that you can afford it (or tell her how much she can spend)
Photographs Are Forever

Print the best pic of both of you and give her a pretty photo frame with your photograph.

Write Her A Poem

Write a poem for her though you do not know how to write. She will love it.
Stick With The Theme

Arrange every moment of the day in the theme of love and hearts.
Burn Baby, Burn

Light a small bonfire at night and feel the warmth of each other around it.
Share a Laugh

Write some love words on craziest things like toilet paper, napkins which can be scented too. Make her laugh.
Jewelery

Buy her some romantic jewelery like a necklace or bracelet etc. You can engrave her name or a romantic message into the jewelery if you like.

Outsource A Musician

Take a group of musicians to her house who can sing romantic chorus for both of you.
Basket of Goodies

You can make a basket fill of little goodies and things your partner needs daily (like body sprays, lotions etc.).
Lipstick Love

On her mirror, write in lipstick, ‘I love you’. Be sure not to use her most expensive lipstick, she might not appreciate that.
Give Her A Day Off

Do her household job or chores for the day so that she can have the day off to do what she wants.
Get a Tattoo

Get a tattoo that’s symbolic of your love for her. I’d be careful getting her name tattooed, but if you’re absolutely 100% certain that she is the one for you, then go for it.
Be Adventurous

Go camping or for an adventure trip on this Valentine’s Day. How about bungee jumping or sky-diving?
Give her a manicure and a foot massage

If you know what you’re doing, make her feet pretty and give her the most relaxing foot-massage in the world.
Boardgame Love

Play scrabble, chess, act like teens, using ‘love’ words as many as you can.

Lead The Way

Leave a trail of rose petals from door of her room to the nearby part where you have arranged champagne and lit candles with romantic music.
Make a Donation

Donate to a charity or noble cause in her name. If she’s the kind of girl that will appreciate that then this can be a very meaningful Valentine’s Day gift.
Engrave Your Love

Carve your names in a heart on a tree. This way a symbol of your love for each other will be around for longer than your time on earth.
Romantic Cleaning

Secretly was her car and decorate it with hearts and flowers. Leave her a romantic note under the windscreen wiper.
Puzzle Love-Letter

Write her a love letter and cut the letter into jigsaw puzzle pieces that she needs to put together before she can read it.
A Formal Invitation

Make her an invitation letter, very attractive, decorated and romantic, inviting her to celebrate Valentine’s Day with you.
Romantic Reading

Hide some heart shaped bookmarks in her books and magazines.
Be An Artist

Draw a silly (or pretty) picture of both of you and write ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ on it.
Publicize Your Love

Publish your love story in the personnel column of the local newspaper.Celebrate your Valentine on social networking sites like Facebook. Make profile of your partner special. Post some lovely message.
Visit a Church

Visit church for praying and remaining together, or even just for being thankful for life. If you’re someone who never goes to church then this may be really special.
Arrange Tickets For Her Favorite Rock Star Concert.

If you’re lucky enough to have a cool concert playing close to or even on Valentine’s day, take her there and enjoy the music together.
Give Her A Gift That Will Remind Her Every Month

Gift a monthly subscription of favorite website of magazines that he/she usually read.
Give Her Your Favorite Cologne

Give her your cologne, even if it’s half-used. This way when she misses you she can still smell your favorite scent and be reminded of you.
It’s In The Stars

Give her a love horoscope that describes your wonderful future with together with her.

Be Anonymous

Send her gifts without a sender’s name on it. Flowers, chocolates. You can even have them delivered to her work address during the day.

998 Valentine Day tips

2011-02-09T16:03:00.000-08:00

Romance 101

2
Give your lover a dozen roses and do it with a creative twist.
Give eleven red roses and one white rose. Attach a note that reads:
"In every bunch there's one who stands out and you are that one."

3
Sending a birthday card isn't just a good idea, it's an obligatory romantic gesture.
But how about doing something different this year?
On your lover's birthday, send a "thank you" card to his/her mother.

4
Gallantry never really goes out of style.
So every once in a while kiss her hand with a flourish.
Note: The proper way to kiss a woman's hand is to lower your lips to her hand.
You don't raise her hand to your lips.

Little Things Mean a Lot

6
Gift wrap a wishbone in a jewelry box.
Send it to her with a note that says,
"I wish you were here."

7
Unplug the TV.
Put a note on the screen saying,
"Turn me on instead."

8
Go through revolving doors together.

12
Write him a little love note.
Insert it into the book he's reading.

Bigger Is Better

16
Make a custom bannera BIG banner to welcome him home from a trip
(or just to say "I love you!").
Use construction paper and crayons, or poster board and markers, or old sheets and spray paint.

17
Craig liked doing things in a big way.
He was a dramatic and loud (though lovable) kind of guy. Mary, on the other hand, was proper and quiet (and just as lovable). Craig sometimes criticized Mary for not being expressive or outrageous enough. Until . . . one day when Craig returned home from a business trip and was greeted by Mary and two hundred forty-three members of the local high school marching band on their front lawn. (Most people don't consider John Philip Sousa marches to be romantic but Craig does!)

Romance for Dummies

34
Practice "Even-Day/Odd-Day" Romance:
On even days it's your turn to be romantic, and on odd days it's your partner's turn.

35
No time or too lazy to wrap those gifts?
Buy fancy bags and pre-decorated boxes for gift-wrapping presents.

36
Ask her best girlfriend or her mother for help. Ask her to go shopping with you (secretly!).
Tell her you want to spend one afternoon shopping for a year's worth of gifts for your partner. Establish a budget, let her think about it for a week, then go shopping together.

It's Not What You Do

68
Don't just walk into the house tonight the way you always do.
Pause on the porch; ring the doorbell;
and greet her with one red rose and a bottle of champagne.

71
Not that it really matters, but I was just wondering . . .

Why do we have birthday cakes and wedding cakes, but no anniversary cakes or Valentine's cakes?

Why do we have Christmas tree ornaments, but no special ornaments with which to celebrate other special occasions?

Why is Columbus Day a national holiday, but Valentine's Day isn't?

Why is it crude to tell jokes that characterize races and religions in stereotyped ways, but it's acceptable to be a "gender bigot" and stereotype men and women?

But How You Do It

72
Want to jazz up the presentation of a special meal?
Buy a little hunk of dry ice from a local ice house. Put it in a bowl of water and place it on your serving tray. You'll create wondrous, billowing white clouds!

75
Okay, let's say you've decided to give her the complete collection of The Moody Blues'
(her all-time favorite group) albums. Let's now give this gift a creative twist. Instead of simply wrapping the CDs and handing them to her, do this:

Remove the CDs from their cases.

Hide the CDs around the house.

Gift-wrap all the CD cases separately.

Attach a note to each gift . . .

Each note gives clues to the location of the CD . . .

And each note's clues are based on each album's title.

Days of Future Passed is hidden in a photo album.

To Our Children's Children's Children is in the kids' toy box.

On the Threshold of a Dream is hidden in your bedroom.

Long Distance Voyager is hidden along with airline tickets to Tahiti.

Classy

756
Dress up for dinner at home. Tuxedo for him, evening gown for her.

757
Hire a pianist to play during a romantic dinner at home.

758
Anything from Tiffany's.

759
Take a leisurely stroll through a local park or public garden.

760
Learn calligraphy so you can create incredible love letters for him/her.

761
Get a pair of crystal champagne flutes. Use them often!

762
Hire a limousine for an elegant evening out.

763
Have dinner-for-two prepared in your home by the best chef in town.

A Kiss Is Just a Kiss

94
Give her one Hershey's Kiss.
Give her one thousand Hershey's Kisses.

Remove all the little paper strips (that say "Kisses" on them) from a couple hundred Hershey's Kisses. Fill a little jewelry box with them. Wrap 'em up and present them to her.

Write a clever certificate explaining that the little paper slips are coupons
redeemable for one kiss each.

95
Best movie kisses:

The Way We Were: When Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford kiss in front of her fireplace.

Life Is Beautiful: The kiss underneath the banquet table.

Gone with the Wind: When Rhett steals a major kiss from Scarlett while he's helping her escape as Atlanta burns.

96
Best songs about kissing:

"Kiss Me in the Rain," by Barbra Streisand

"One More Kiss," from the Broadway musical Follies

"Kiss," by Prince

"Shut Up and Kiss Me," by Mary Chapin Carpenter

"Blowing Kisses in the Wind," by Paula Abdul

"It's Been a Long, Long Time," by Bing Crosby

"Kiss Me Baby," by The Beach Boys

"Kiss You All Over," by Exile

"Say It with a Kiss," by Billie Holiday

"Sealed with a Kiss," by Bobby Vinton

"Put That Kiss Back Where You Found It," by Benny Goodman

Daily & Weekly & Monthly & Yearly

223a
Daily Romantic Checklist:

Compliment your partner.

Spend twenty minutes of uninterrupted time together.

Check in with each other during the day.

Perform one small and unexpected gesture.

Say "I love you" at least three times.

Thank your partner for something.

Look for romantic concepts in the newspaper.

Take an extra minute when kissing good-bye.

223b
A Weekly Romantic Checklist:

Bring home one small, unexpected gift or present.

Share some form of physical intimacy.

Share an entire afternoon or evening together.

Share two insights you gained this week.

Write at least one little love note.

Mail something to your partner.

Make love!

Plan something special for the upcoming weekend.

223c
A Monthly Romantic Checklist

Plan one romantic surprise for this month.

Re-stock your stash of greeting cards.

Go out to dinner once or twice.

Rent at least two romantic movies.

Make love several times!

Make plans for a three-day romantic weekend sometime in the next three months.

Plan one romantic event with a seasonal theme.

223d
A Yearly Romantic Checklist

Make a New Year's resolution to be a more creative romantic.

Make plans for your next anniversary.

Think of an unusual way to celebrate your partner's birthday.

Review your plans for your next vacation.

Create a special "Romance" category in your household budget.

Make plans for Valentine's Day well in advance!

Wonderful Weekends

794
Select a theme for the weekend based on a type of movie.
(It could be a film genre, like westerns, science fiction or musicals; or it could be based on a favorite actor or character in a movie.) Rent three movies that match the theme and then: Rent costumes that match the theme! Exercise your creativity and sense of fun with a little fantasy!

795
Surprise your partner with an unexpected three-day weekend.
Arrange it ahead of time with his or her boss and staff. This may take some time to coordinate just right, but the payoff is well worth it!

Just picture the scene:It's a typical Friday morning. You both get up at your usual time. You shower and get dressed. Over breakfast you turn to your unsuspecting partner and say, "Oh, by the way, we've both got the day off work today. What would you like to do?"

After your partner recovers from the shock and showers you with kisses and thank-yous you get to plan the day together. What are you going to do?? Go back to bed and sleep til noon? Go back to bed and make love? Go for a drive? Go shopping? Go out for lunch?

796
The surprise get-away weekend is a romantic classic.
Find a quaint bed and breakfast or picturesque inn. Pack bags for both of you, and whisk your partner away upon his or her arrival home from work!

797
What if you have a house full of kids? Try the "Distraction Diversion":
Rent several of your kids' favorite movies; buy a ten-pound bag of popcorn and a bunch of juice boxes. The kids sit hypnotically in front of the TV while the two of you escape upstairs for some "quality time" together.

Generating Ideas

847
Set a goal of generating or discovering one new romantic idea each day for a year.
(Your commitment will help draw ideas to you.) Keep your notes, articles, comics, ads and miscellaneous reminders in a shoebox under your bed.

848
Train your subconscious mind to find romantic ideas for you.
Hey, why should your subconscious mind be doing nothing but daydreaming all day long while the rest of your mind is doing all the work? Scientists say that we only use about 10 percent of our brains: This is a way to boost your brain efficiency to 25 percent or better!

Seriously, you can assign a small portion of your brain the task of being constantly on the lookout for romantic ideas. The goal is to retrain your mind to stop filtering out those ideas, and start letting them come to the attention of your conscious mind. What starts happening is that romantic articles and gift ideas will start "jumping out at you." Guaranteed.

849
Practice creating "Variations on a Theme" for generating romantic ideas.

Start with any idea and build on it, expand it, extend it.

Start with "greeting cards": Buy one; buy a hundred! Make some yourself. Send one-a-day for a week, send one-a-day for a month! Frame some cards that she's given you.

Start with "candy": What's her favorite? Buy ten pounds of it. Fill her shoes with candy; fill her purse, her glove compartment, her pillow. Send it to her at work. Spell out words with it. Create trails throughout the house with it.

Be My Valentine!

274
For future reference:
Buy an extra bag of Valentine Conversation Heart candies and save them for use six months later.

275
While sharing stories from their childhoods,
Pete told Deb that, because he grew up poor, he was unpopular in grammar school. Every Valentine's Day when the children would decorate their shoeboxes so they could deliver Valentines to each other, Pete's box always remained empty. Deb thought this was the saddest thing she'd ever heard.

For the next Valentine's Day she decorated a shoebox and filled it with Valentines. And Deb promised him that he would never go without a Valentine again.

Little Love Stories

876
Charlie and his girlfriend Randi were aboard Continental Airlines flight 191
from Newark to San Francisco. Shortly after takeoff the pilot made this announcement: "I have an important message for the passenger in seat 3-B. Will you marry the gentleman in seat 3-A? If the answer is yes, press the Call Button for the flight attendant." As Randi burst into tears, Charlie kept saying "Push the button!" When she did, a flight attendant came up with a silver tray, champagne and the ring!

877
Mary was a Beanie Baby fanatic.
Her husband, Bob, hired a custom doll-maker to create a "Beanie Bob" for her.

878
Tom arrived home from running errands one Saturday morning
to find his wife, Susan, gone. His daughter handed him a note from her:

"Go to the drug store. See the pharmacist." Even though his first reaction was, "Why? Who's sick?" he went along. What else could he do but follow instructions? When he started up the car, a tape of romantic music started playing. ("Ah, ha! I think something's going on here!") The pharmacist had a card for him: "Happy Anniversary! Now, head for the liquor store!" A bottle of champagne was waiting for him there, along with another note: "Ready to celebrate? Not yet! On to the men's shop first!" A monogrammed shirt was his surprise there. The note was no longer a surprise: "Almost done! But first, please stop at the grocery store." A picnic basket packed with goodies was ready for him there.

The last note simply had an address on it. It led him to a romantic little bed and breakfast, where Susan was waiting for him. The rest, as they say, is history.

ABC's

942
Always kiss each other hello and goodbye. Be there for each other always.
Create an environment of love. Do it. Escape from the kids. Fight fair. Give of your time. Handle with care. Inspire your partner with your love. Judge not. Keep your good memories alive. Listen to her. Make love with your partner's needs foremost. Never go to bed angry. Offer to handle an unpleasant chore. Praise him. Quality Time isn't just for the kids. Respect her feelings. Say what you feel when you feel it. Tell her you love her every day. Every day. Understand your differences. Valentine's Day is every day. Walk together; talk together. Excite your partner as only you know how. You can never say "I love you" too often. Zero-in on his little passions.

943
Give your partner a "Romantic ABCs Coupon":

Write the letters of the alphabet on twenty-six slips of paper.
The coupon-holder picks one letter out of a hat.
The coupon-giver will create a day of romance with gifts and gestures that all begin with that letter.

Hearts
987

1
Make a heart-shaped pizza.

2
Your initials in a heart in skywriting.

3
Cut the kitchen sponges into heart shapes.

4
While out at a formal dinner, nonchalantly draw a heart on the back of his hand with a pen.

5
Have a heart-shaped pool built.

6
Your initials in a heart on wet cement in a sidewalk.

7
Trace a heart shape in fogged-up windows.

8
Your initials in a twenty-foot heart in the snow.

9
A quilt with a heart motif.

10
Your initials in a heart-etched on a brick in your patio.

11
Place the pepperoni in the shape of a heart on the pizza.

12
Trace a fifty-foot heart in the sand on a beach.

13
Grill burgers in the shape of a heart.

14
Heart-shaped sandwiches.

15
For math nuts: r = a (1-cosA).

16
Use heart-shaped stickers .

17
Band-Aids with heart designs.

18
Trace a thirty-foot heart on the ice when ice skating.

19
Heart-shaped place mats.

20
A silk tie with hearts on it.

21
A heart-shaped chunk of cheese.

22
A mug with hearts on it.

23
A heart-shaped mug.

24
A heart-shaped door mat.

25
Socks with heart designs on them.

26
Heart-shaped doilies.

27
Heart-shaped eyeglasses.

28
A front-yard flag with hearts on it.

29
Poke holes in a heart-shape in the crust of a freshly baked pie.

30
Make heart-shaped chocolate chip cookies.

31
Heart-shaped confetti.

32
The classic heart-shaped box of chocolates.

33
Heart-shaped chocolate treats.

34
Carve a heart with your initials in a tree.

35
Get a heart-shaped tattoo with her initials in it.

36
Greeting cards with heart.

37
Fold the dinner napkins into heart shapes.

38
Silk boxer shorts with a heart motif.

39
Draw hearts on the bathroom mirror with lipstick.

40
Use only Love Stamps with heart shapes on them.

41
Find a wine with a heart motif on the label.

42
Heart-shaped rubber stamps.

43
Heart-shaped cakes.

44
Heart designs in icing on a cake.

45
Heart-shaped candles.

46
Heart-shaped appetizers.

47
Heart-shaped picture frames.

48
Heart-shaped wreaths.

49
Heart-shaped ice cubes.

50
A heart-shaped rug.

51
Find a heart-shaped Jell-O mold.

52
Cut banana slices into heart shapes and put them in Jell-O.

53
Shape pancakes into heart shapes.

54
Cut toast into heart shapes.

55
Cut a heart shape out of toast and fry an egg in the center.

56
Heart-shaped Rice Krispy Treats.

57
Slice strawberries into heart-shapes.

58
A heart-shaped pendant.

59
A heart-shaped pin.

60
Heart-shaped earrings.

61
Heart-shaped pasta.

62
Heart-shaped red balloons.

63
Heart-shaped cookie cutters.

64
Heart-shaped key rings.

65
Heart-shaped candy conversation hearts.

Best of the Best

993

Best romantic gift: The gift of time

Best romantic present: Your own presence

Best romantic car: Triumph Spitfire

Most romantic comic strip: Rose Is Rose

Best romantic TV show: Mad About You

Most romantic city (in the world): Verona, Italy

Most romantic city (in the USA): San Francisco, California

Best romantic color: Red/PMS #1795 CVU

Most romantic Broadway musical: Phantom of the Opera

Best romantic movie: Casablanca

Best romantic actress: Greta Garbo

Best romantic actor: Clark Gable

Best romantic hotel: The Grand Hotel, Mackinac Island

Best romantic voice (male): Barry White

Best romantic voice (female): Sade

Best romantic song: "You are So Beautiful (To Me)," by Joe Cocker

Best Brief Advice

994
Gals: You want more romance? Give him more sex.
(Try having sex every night after night after night after night until he begs you to stop! Just try it as a little experiment. It just might transform your ho-hum relationship into a raging love affair!)

995
Guys: You want more sex? Give her more romance.
(Romance her like Don Juan. Like Romeo. Like Clark Gable. Romance her every day in every way. Romance her using every single idea in this book and then think up one thousand and one more ways to be romantic. And she'll give you all the sex you could ever dream of.)

996
Best way to create more time in your life:
Shoot your TV.

997
Use gifts and presents to express love and appreciation.
Don't use them to apologize after a fight or make up for some dumb thing you've done. This strategy eventually backfires.

998
The unasked-for gift is most appreciated.
The surprise gift is most cherished.

What she wants to try tonight

2010-05-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

If you’re like most dudes, you have upwards of 2.5 moves in the sack that you feel pretty confident in and can do in your sleep -- literally. Your gal, however, needs more than your limited arsenal to please her the way she deserves to be pleased. Being a chick, she likely will not tell you what she wants you to try, but will assume you know what she wants you to try. Such is the conundrum us guys live with every day. Well, this is your lucky day, because MadeMan is here to break down some of the things she wants you to try. Use it for good. Or evil. Whichever works.
Try Breaking the Normal Routine
Men are creatures of habit, so it really isn’t your fault that you follow a paint-by-numbers routine in bed. It’s in your nature. Unfortunately for men, the ladies like something called variety. You are probably asking, ‘what is this variety you speak of?’ In the bedroom, it’s something other than stumbling in, being the best missionary you can be for all of three minutes, then finishing off some Spam before drifting away to dreamland. If you always start the same way every time you sex her up, you have no variety, Dude. So go opposite. If you normally zig, then start zagging. Normally go left? Go right, Son. If you throw something new at her and she’s still expecting the same old boring you, she might get the Big O just from the change of pace. Either that or she will suspect you are cheating on her and are practicing your new moves on her.
Try Traveling
Nothing rocks a world like traveling. How many times have you covered more than one or two rooms while showing your ladyfriend a good time? Likely the answer is MAYBE once. Starting in one room, then moving to the -- we’ll call it the ‘party room’ -- is about as fancy as most guys get. What chicks would like to see is taking the whole show on a trip around the house/hotel/brothel. She also wants you to stay in control during this guided tour. Simply guiding her from room-to-room by the hand will kill the mood quicker than your old boring routine. She wants you to ‘take’ her from room-to-room and don’t tell her ahead of time where she is headed.
Try Standing
Standing. The revolutionary sex position. There are some fancy names for standing positions, but we’re too lazy to look them up in our worn copy of the Kama Sutra. What standing means for you? Bonus points. It’s something she’s been wanting you to try for a long time because of the different stimulation she receives, it’s something new (read: she can pretend you are someone else), and it is not routine. The standing positions vary, as we are sure your dad told you about when he had ‘the talk’ with you, and chicks want them all. Face-to-face, behind, and other cool positions we don’t even know about yet. Get on your feet. She’ll thank you for it in the morning.
Try Talking To Her
Whether she talks to you during sex or not is a moot point, because she definitely wants you to talk to her. She wants you to try and bring her to the point of no return using your wordsmith ways -- complemented by your sexual prowess, of course. The sex talk list depends on what type of girl you are with. It can range from just verbally boosting her on a pedestal, to the naughty unprintable stuff. Understanding what she might want if part of your job, although it can at times be impossible to know. If you are unsure what level of talk she wants, start off in the safe zone and build upon her reaction to it. Our guess if she will want ‘the works’. Because all chicks are naughty that way.
Try Spending Time on Her
You’re just happy someone is willing to allow you access to their goods, and this usually leads you to getting your rocks off while attempting to give her a couple minutes of semi-pleasure. What she’d love for you to try is HER. Take a step back from what you need and spend some time ensuring she is satisfied before you proceed getting your satisfaction on. Massaging works. Like, a full body massage. As does using your flapper for more than trash talking about fantasy football. There’s not a woman on earth that doesn’t want you to do this. You probably already do this on occasion, but what she wants is some lingering. Take your time on her. Trust us. That’s what she’s thinking as soon as she enters the bedroom.
Try the Unspeakable Stuff
She’s adventurous, right? Or at least curious. She wonders about the things the kids are raving about and she wants you to try them. But she doesn’t want to bring them up for fear you will react adversely. You know, like calling her a whore and stuff. There are several things in this category she wants you to try and we will let you pick and choose which ones to employ. But you know what we’re talking about. Things that could get you arrest in the 50’s. We say, what was yesterday’s arrest is today’s bedroom pastime. That’s just one of many wise things we say on a daily basis.

13 Ways to Ruin a Date

2010-05-11T09:26:00.000-07:00

I think we all know by now that ruining a date is no difficult task. But perhaps by looking at a solidified list of the sorry scenarios you're accidentally getting yourself into, you'll be able to steer clear of such shocking, unfortunate instances in future courting.

What never to say

Because the majority of your dates will most likely involve a meal, which leaves a gaping hole of time just asking to be filled with conversational errors, it's most important to watch your mouth. Here are some tips of subjects never to touch on.

#1 Your ex

She already hates your ex. She hates that you even opened your eyes and saw women before you met her. Unfortunately, she's always desperately curious about your romantic past and, therefore, won't shut you up if you're silly enough to bring it up. She will, however, still hate you for it.

#2 Your mom

While some women love men that love their mothers, it's a dodgy subject and a thin line. When first getting to know someone, unless it's just a quick mention of your mother's unimportant role in a story, don't bring her up. You can be all too easily categorized as a mama's boy who may not know how to cook for himself, clean his own clothes and cut his own hair (NOTE: It does not matter if these things are true, so long as she does not know it).

#3 Your financial problems

Yes, it's a tough time for nearly everyone we know and it makes for a good conversation starter at a bar. But not at a restaurant with a woman you'd like to take home. While she may not be snooty or inconsiderate or even judge you negatively for your current lack of funds, it's best to avoid a conversation as controversial as this, considering a woman wants to feel that she (and the bill) will be taken care of.

#4 Stories about strippers

Even if you've come up with the most ingenious way of engaging in a wild sexual experience (http://www.mademan.com/how-facilitate-threesome/) or have the most entertaining sexual escapade to share, DON'T. Not until you've felt out her vibe enough to notice if she's the kind of chick who can dig off the fly, bizarro anecdotes. Most women do not get a kick out of strippers, hard as that may be for you to believe.

#5 Too much mention of brodeo

If you're at a dinner with a new lady and the topics of conversation keep returning somehow to this hilarious thing your best friend did or the way you spent some several weekends with your closest dudes, watch out. This might signal to your date that you're in "man-love" with your homeboys and, therefore, imply that she'll be in tight competition. Women cannot stand being pitted against the group of bro's, so try to tone down the man-to-man love for the dinner's duration.

#6 Family baggage

Family problems, insecurities, instances and traumas are likely a big part of a lot of people's lives. We all keep a collection of stories that have deep emotional significance in our personal lives. HOWEVER, nothing says "Run!" to a new woman like an overbearing confession concerning torrid pasts and tortured souls. Try to keep the conversation light for at least for the first few meetings, so she doesn't feel like she's walking into a death trap of dead-end problems.

#7 Awkwardly complimenting

In the heat of the moment, when a pretty woman is sitting across from you, staring back expectantly, it's often easy to get jelly mouth and have your tongue betray you. For this reason, try to stick to pretty standard compliments if you're looking to flatter your female. Something like "That's a beautiful dress, by the way," or "I really like how your hair looks like that," is perfectly tempered. A woman just wants to know that you're noticing her. This is enough to get her in the mood to pay attention to you, without giving you opportunity to screw it up by scrambling for poorly arranged phrases.

#8 What she's eating

Obviously, at a dinner, it's known that people ask "What are you getting?" or "How's your food?" - and this is entirely appropriate. What is not appropriate, however, is making some seemingly unloaded comment about how much your date is eating, why she ordered a salad instead of a steak, or pestering her about her decision to be a vegetarian. Women are insecure. The end. Don't address their dinner in these ways while they're eating it, or they'll be gone before even thinking about ingesting another bite.

What never to do

It's officially fact that men and women are alien species to each other and that our behavior is therefore mismatched at many moments. Thus meaning, something you do on a date that you would not interpret as being awfully offensive, may immediately imply not-so-awesome things to her. So, after watching your mouth, you'll need to (at least mildly) monitor your male instincts.

#9 Picking the wrong place from the start

If you don't know what "kind of gal" you're taking out (meaning, whether she's a sports bar kind of chick or a ritz gala kind of lady), then try to shoot for something pleasantly in the middle. A nicely upscale, but none too fancy restaurant will do just fine. If you're at all interested in having this date go someplace other than the restaurant, you'll need to make sure the dinner experience is so wonderful that she can only assume what comes next will follow accordingly.

#10 Eying your waitress

Sure, sometimes it's good to tease a woman's interest by subtly showing her that you're attractive to other women. But, on a date, this is not the right way to get her excitably envious. It is, however, the right way to get her super excited to slap you in the face (unfortunately, in the non-kinky way).
#11 Forcing her to dance
Some women have absolutely no confidence in their fancy feet, no matter how drunk or desirable they (or you) are. So while it may be a cute thing that leading, charming men do in movies, grabbing a girl and forcing her to hop up and jive despite her flailing arms and big cringe, let's leave it to the movies for now. You may cause your date serious humiliation, which will immediately close the door to your post-dinner potential.

#12 Answering your phone

I don't care if you're the CEO of a fortunate 500 or the biggest club promoter in Hollywood, do not pick up your cell phone at a dinner table if you're intending to get laid. Women love nothing more than uninterrupted attention. So, turn off your phone entirely, because even if she sees you look at the screen and ignore the call, she'll assume it's another girl. And oh boy, you can only imagine how bad things get from there.

#13 Ordering for her

At this point in the 21st century, we would all hope that this one is common sense, but sometimes, in an effort to capture old-fashioned chivalrous behavior, men slip up here. Don't order for her unless it's a bottle of something fantastic at the dinner's beginning that you've already cleared with her taste buds. There are other ways to be chivalrous and charming (http://www.mademan.com/get-her-dinner-bed/) that are better appreciated and, therefore, better rewarded.

Poem of a Long Distant Nature

2010-01-12T18:51:00.000-08:00

Is long distance love possible?

Can a love overcome mountains, oceans and thousand of agonizing miles? If we were to ever find our true love, our solemate, on a different continent, can it be our destiny to be together? How can the longing of two lovers hearts surpass the many, many obstacles presented by such a situation? Is true love stronger than anything put before it?

Two cultures, the highest mountains, the deepest seas and the longest miles may separate two hearts, but only time can tell if the hearts are to be together forever...

Miles and miles and miles apart.
Although so far you've touched my heart.
Your laugh, your voice, your adoring smile,
Seem to shorten every mile.

I wake every morning and rest at night,
My thoughts and dreams filled with your sight.
Oh how I wish, even for one night,
I could hold your hand and you hold mine tight.

Not just a little briused or battered,
When I think of the distance it's completely shattered.
We'll never give up or say goodbye.
Remember together, the moon in the sky.
Your heart's a part of me and mine of you.
With that alone, we shall not be blue.Is long distance love possible?

Can a love overcome mountains, oceans and thousand of agonizing miles? If we were to ever find our true love, our solemate, on a different continent, can it be our destiny to be together? How can the longing of two lovers hearts surpass the many, many obstacles presented by such a situation? Is true love stronger than anything put before it?

Two cultures, the highest mountains, the deepest seas and the longest miles may separate two hearts, but only time can tell if the hearts are to be together forever...

Miles and miles and miles apart.
Although so far you've touched my heart.
Your laugh, your voice, your adoring smile,
Seem to shorten every mile.

I wake every morning and rest at night,
My thoughts and dreams filled with your sight.
Oh how I wish, even for one night,
I could hold your hand and you hold mine tight.

Not just a little briused or battered,
When I think of the distance it's completely shattered.
We'll never give up or say goodbye.
Remember together, the moon in the sky.
Your heart's a part of me and mine of you.
With that alone, we shall not be blue.

How to make a long-distance relationship work

2010-01-04T23:39:00.000-08:00

The modern world is an expensive place, where most households require two incomes to purchase even the most modest of dwellings. Couple this fact with the progress women have made in the workplace since Eisenhower was president and you’ve got a perfect cocktail for a potentially sour brew known as long-distance relationships, which are brought on by career moves that often mean a change of address.

Careers can pull anyone across the country provided the opportunity is grand enough. You’ll need to look inside yourself and be sure that you’re ready to deal with this level of commitment. If you’ve been tempted to stray while she was still living in town, chances are you’re not ready. However, if you can’t see yourself with anyone but her, there are a host of factors to consider when embarking upon long-distance relationships.

Agree on an end

Before you decide to jump headfirst into long-distance relationships, you should first agree on an end goal with your partner -- a specific time, be it six months or a year, when the separation is going to end. You can reunite, she can move home, you can follow or you can call it quits. There has to be an agreed upon goal to look forward to when you first embark upon long-distance relationships. Otherwise, you may end up stringing along the status quo indefinitely, which breeds a particularly robust strain of frustration.

Be realistic in your assessment of this relationship timetable. Make sure to leave enough time to accomplish the goals that forced the separation in the first place. Trying to rush through an experience, even for a relationship, is a good way to build up unhealthy levels of stress.

Schedule communication

The quality and quantity of communication with your woman will need to increase substantially when you embark on long-distance relationships. Be prepared for this increase in verbal Olympics. Make sure your phone bill is ready as well by switching to a new cell phone plan with unlimited long distance or make sure your landline carrier is providing the best rates. You will need to be on the same page with your girl as far as frequency goes; will you speak three times a week or once a day? If you’re not on the same page, one party will feel slighted and an insurmountable rift will begin to develop between the two of you that will make the physical distance seem minuscule.

Schedule visits

Visits act like mini-ends. A weekend together is vitally important at least once every six weeks. For all the Jetson-like qualities of video chat, there is no plug-in to replicate touch or smell -- at least not yet. And since smell is the strongest sense tied to memory, you’ll want to keep up physical relations during long-distance relationships. A trip to visit your significant other every once in a while shows her that you still care, and that she’s still very important to you no matter how far away she is.

Don’t just go and visit each other though. Instead, try to create something uniquely you. Taking mutual vacations away from your respective lives creates newness in your relationship and keeps it progressing. It’s important that your relationship continues to grow, not just maintains, despite the distance.

Raise your trust level

When living a great deal of your lives away from each other in a long distance relationship it’s natural that you develop some of your once-laudable independent tendencies. Proceed with caution, however, since she’s going to be developing the same independent instincts. Stories will begin to revolve around people you’ve never heard of and she’ll begin to take on certain characteristics you won’t recognize. Your role will change slightly as well. In a proximal relationship of this caliber, most of your free time is spent with each other.

If you were in charge of planning dates and filling free time, someone else is going to be filling that role. It’s not an attack against you, so try not to show too much jealousy. Let her know you still care and love your role in her life, but you can’t be an anchor from hundreds of miles away.

LONG-DISTANCE LOVIN'

When it comes to long-distance relationships the name of the game is prioritizing what’s important to the both of you. If it’s family or a relationship that you find occupying the top spot, great, but you’ll have to sacrifice your career a little bit. If you are both career-oriented people and can put your relationship on the back burner for a while, then a long-distance relationship may be for you. It’s all about weighing the ups and downs associated with what you want from your life.

Chaney

2009-12-07T17:48:00.000-08:00

From The Moment We met
I Knew You'd be Someone i could never forget
We talked we laughed we made memories
There was just something about you
It seemed to good to be true
People tried to come in between us
We stayed strong and stuck by each other
We've had our up's and our down's
Our Smile's And Frown's
My Love for you just grew
My love for you is so true
You make me feel what no other has ever made me feel
It's like our love is so unreal
You're my missing puzzle piece
I've made my mistakes in life
With you everything feels so right
I Don't have a worry in the world
I feel so safe as you hold me in your arms
I love you without a doubt
I'll stick by you no matter what
Thick, thin, ice and snow
My love for you will just grow
Even tho you're moving away
You'll always be my ay bay bay
We can make it through anything
You're like my sunshine on a pitch black night
We get along so perfectly
For once i feel like i'm worth something to someone
You're the most amazing person I've ever met
Chaney You Will Be Impossible to forget
I Will always love you for you
There's nothing in this world that could make me not
Flaws and all you are my everything
I love how i can talk to you about anything
I love how you can make me smile when i wanna be pissed
I love the way you look at me it makes my heart melt
I love the way you love my son as if he were yours
I love how i can just be me around you
I love how you don't judge me for the stupid shit i do and say
You're everything i wanted and more.
I'm so lucky to be able to call you mine!

I Love You Chaney <3 Today,Tomorrow,Always <3

Written by Kelly

A very goof friend of mine, sigh hate ppl that hurt her, but she can always do better =p. Kelly its his lost, ull find other ppl that appreciates u better

How to know if you are in love? (SOUL MATES)

2009-11-30T10:41:00.000-08:00

Love after bereavement

2009-11-30T10:35:00.001-08:00

Losing someone we love is one of the hardest things we have to face in life. But eventually, once we're ready, it's highly likely we'll consider the possibility of finding love again. And this can happen at any age.

In our own practice we have known men and women form new relationships well into their eighties.
Grief and romance

Although it can be exciting to find love again, thoughts of the dead partner can cast a shadow over any new romance.

Sometimes people feel guilty about wanting company and physical love.

Often they have all sorts of other unresolved emotions about the death of the partner, and the more they try to ignore them, the more they tend to surface.

Such emotions are often about loss. But they might be about anger that the person has gone, or about resentment that other people are still a couple and can look forward to an old age together.

Sometimes feelings revolve round horrible images of the last days or weeks of a partner's life. And the surviving spouse may well feel that he or she was not always patient or very loving when the other person was dying.

All of these emotions are quite normal to have, but that does not make them easy to deal with.
Stages of grief

There are generally reckoned to be about seven stages of grief:

* shock, disbelief, numbness
* denial
* panic
* anger
* guilt
* depression
* acceptance.

Most grieving people experience at least some of these stages, but there is no set order or time limit for these feelings.

It's not unusual to feel as if you've experienced several elements of these stages on one day alone.

For this reason, use these stages as a rough guide that can help you to understand sudden difficult emotions such as anger.

Recognise that these emotions are part of a process, and that others feel like this too.
When should you be ready to start a new relationship?

You may find your grieving process doesn't coincide with other people's ideas of how it should be.

Sometimes friends or family will get impatient if you're not 'over it' after six months.

At other times, you can get a strong sense that some individuals think you are hard-hearted because you appear to have got over the death quickly.

We all find our own way of dealing with death. None of us should judge anyone else about how they are coping.

But when it comes to new relationships, people are often quick to disapprove if a new romance blossoms 'too soon'.
When is too soon?

If a partner has been dying for a long time, the chances are you have done loads of grieving before he or she actually stopped breathing.

You are then more likely to feel ready for a new life than someone whose spouse dies suddenly.

In cases of lengthy terminal illness, it's not unusual for a new relationship to blossom even before the partner dies. And although this new relationship can be a great comfort, it can also be the source of deep guilt.

But there are no absolutes when it comes to people's feelings. And no two individuals are the same.

In general, society doesn't tend to condone new relationships that go public before an interval of around one year.

And certainly, new romances won't go well if a grieving person is avoiding the pain of bereavement by replacing one partner with another. Recovering from a loved-one's death is just not that easy.
Coping with other people's reactions

You have to remember that no-one knows exactly what you're suffering. And no one knows for sure what went on in your relationship with your dead partner.

So really, other people should resist commenting on any new romance you have. In reality, friends and family will have a view on it.

Hopefully, many will be pleased that you have found happiness again. But there may be jealousy from other friends who have been on their own for longer.
In-laws

Unfortunately, you may find your dead partner's family cannot come to terms with a new relationship even if years have gone by. This is because they feel their relative is being forgotten.

If that happens, try to discuss with them just how much your late partner will always be in your mind. You might also gently suggest that he or she would not want you to grieve forever.

In time, they may come round to the idea, but it is a situation that requires kindness and tact on both sides.

And while it's easy to see any criticism by your in-laws as an unnecessary obstacle to your new life, try to remember that they too have had to deal with the loss of your partner.

Don't forget that your in-laws are your children's grandparents or aunts and uncles. As such, it will be painful all round to fall out with them in a big way.
Sons and daughters

You may also have serious difficulties with your own sons and daughters.

If your children are still living at home, they will be affected by any new relationship. And they may be quite hostile because they think that Mum or Dad is being airbrushed out of history.

It can be very difficult to deal with this kind of upset because your children may still be deeply upset by their loss.

In such a situation, it's wise not to be blatant about your new love until your children are more ready to accept the idea. So don't allow your lover to stay overnight before your children have come to terms with your new romantic happiness.

If your children have left home, you won't have quite the same problems.

But even if their father or mother died several years ago, your adult offspring may react negatively when you tell them you've found love again.

And if you usually stay over when you visit, be sensitive to the fact they might feel awkward if you want your new partner to accompany you - especially if you're asking to share a bed.

This is a highly inflammatory situation for families to deal with, and the best advice anyone can give you is: take your time.
Sex in your new relationship

After a bereavement, many people decide they will never have a sexual relationship again. This is particularly likely when the death happens late in life.

But a lot of men and women find their sexual urges return after a while.

Unfortunately, this can lead to intense feelings of guilt, mainly caused by a feeling you are being unfaithful to the dead partner.

Post-bereavement sexual guilt manifests itself in three main ways.

* Worries about masturbation. After a few months on their own, quite a lot of older men and women experience a desire to masturbate. This need for relief is largely physiological: it is caused by the normal workings of the body and its hormones. It isn't something you should be ashamed about.
* Difficulties with erection. Many widowed men experience erectile dysfunction (impotence) when they try to have sex with someone else. Counselling of the couple is usually effective. Sometimes it's useful to give the man a short course of erection drugs to build confidence.
* Vaginal dryness. When a woman decides to resume sex, she often finds she can't relax. As a result, her natural lubricant doesn't flow, making sex uncomfortable. Counselling by an experienced family planning doctor will often put matters right. Also, the use of a good vaginal lubricant will help. A course of vaginal hormone may benefit post-menopausal women.

What happens if your new relationship fails?

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for a new relationship to fail because of guilt or because you are not emotionally ready to move on.

Sometimes your new partner may walk away because he or she considers you too needy or too emotionally involved with your dead partner.

Whatever the reason for the break-up, it will probably hit you hard - and may resurrect all sorts of pain related to the death of your spouse.

If this happens, try to realise this romance was not your only chance of happiness.

It's likely you weren't really ready for a new relationship and you may need to spend time grieving for your dead partner and building up your own strength and happiness.

Spend time being single again, catch up with friends and maybe get some help for your sadness.

You will find that after a period of several months - or even a year or two - you are more ready for a social life, including romance.

Love after bereavement

2009-11-30T10:35:00.000-08:00

letting go

2009-10-16T21:05:00.000-07:00

How do you walk away from someone you love
And take the road of friend;
Can you reroute the course you have taken
And start over once again?

I don't really want to let you go
But inside me I know I must;
The times we've loved . . . the times you've left
My heart says stay . . . but it's my mind I must trust.

We have shared so much together
Laughter . . . fun times . . . tears;
Yet sometimes we can't turn back time
We must walk away, and allow ourselves to heal.

I know one day you will be happy
And your soulmate you will find;
I know we each have one out there
Even if for now . . . only in our minds.

May life be gentle with you
May God's best come your way;
And on some quiet tomorrow
You will realize things were better this way.

If She Wants a Break

2009-10-12T17:04:00.000-07:00

In some relationships one of the partners will suddenly decide they need a break from the other person. No one is exactly sure what this means but in most cases it means the partners who requested the break wants to date other people. If you are a man who has a girlfriend who recently said this to you, you may be sitting at home thinking of every worse case scenario possible. Your thoughts will run thru the entire series including which man she is spending her time with and what they are doing. If you aren't ready to hand her over to another man, there are ways to get your girlfriend back in your life.

One thing that many men face when their girlfriend decides to take a break is that they don't get themselves into that same mindset. Instead of using the time to explore other dating experiences, they sit at home waiting for their girlfriend to call with her decision. In essence, the man is putting his entire life on hold while his girlfriend goes out and has as much fun as she likes. One of the most effective ways to get your girlfriend back if she wants to date other people is to do the same. She'll will hear of what you are doing and if she has any feelings for you at all, it will drive her crazy.

If your girlfriend has already started seeing someone else, don't take it upon yourself to point out all of his flaws to her. Do not make negative comments about him because this will result in her thinking you are jealous. If she does bring him up when talking to you, and she likely will, tell her that he sounds great. End the call quickly by telling her that you've got plans and that you hope to talk soon. Treat her as you would any friend. It's very important when you are looking for ways to get your girlfriend back, to try and view her as a friend. If you can't do it, at least learn to treat her as such. This is your first action in eventually getting her back.

A very large and common mistake that men make when they are looking for ways to get their relationship back to the way it once was, is to make themselves completely available to their ex girlfriend. This means that when she calls, he jumps. If she calls telling him she wants to talk, he'll rush right over. If she calls him because she's lonely, he'll be the one who comforts her. Putting yourself in this position is a huge mistake. If you do this, your girlfriend will take you for granted. She'll view you as someone who will wait for her, no matter what she does. You need to show her that you are not that person. Don't run to her. Let her be the one who comes to you. To do that you need to make yourself scarce and keep yourself as busy as possible. She needs to see that you have a full and enriching life without her.

?

Heartless x2 (Subscript)

2009-10-11T10:33:00.000-07:00

I met a girl who showed me she was interested (smiles, body language, etc). She is the one who gave me her phone number. We started dating. She introduced me to her family and friends.

Her mother told her that to be successfull in life I was the right guy for her. Her mother and family adored me. She would not stop telling me how happy she was with me, that she felt so good when we were around each other, etc etc.

She bought a big house plant for my living room and put us as being in a relationship on facebook. She talked about us moving in together.

So I thought that things were flowing well towards something more serious than just dating...

Then out of nowhere she went back to her ex-boyfriend. The same ex boyfriend that her mother dislikes. The same ex boyfriend that would threaten suicide and call her crying while we were dating to try and get her back. The same ex boyfriend that had cheated on her and that she accused of having stinky feet and unbrushed teeth. The same ex-boyfriend that at 30 years old has not finished his studies, works a part time job as a waiter and lives with roommates...

I do not understand!!?? I have my own apartment. I have a great full time job working for the leader of a federal political party. While he is short chubby and average looking I am tall fit and average looking. My teeth are brushed and my feet dont stink. I dont cry and threaten suicide to get a girl back.

Still I end up single, rejected, broken hearted and used while her ex-boyfriend ends up happy and satisfied. There were obviously problems in their relationship or they would not have broken up in the first place. And what does she do? Leaves me to return to something broken...

I really dont understand...how can I trust women now. How can I trust love, relationships, dating, body language...

I still have hope that she comes back to me but even then I know this would not be a good thing!!

Relationship Break-up and Emotional Breakdown

2009-10-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

Lost love. It's difficult to think of great literature without this enduring theme. Would, for example, Emily Bronte's Heathcliff and his passion for Cathy have captured our imaginations if they had lived happily ever after in Wuthering Heights? And would Romeo and Juliet have been as memorable if they had quietly married with the blessing of their families?

Unfortunately, what makes for great reading doesn't play out well in real life. As in recovering from a grave physical injury, healing a broken heart takes time and care. If time doesn't ease your grief, or it interferes with your work or your ability to connect with friends and relatives, you probably need professional help: You may be battling a case of severe depression.

What feelings are normal after the breakup of a relationship?

The rupture of an intimate bond between two people spells crisis in most people's lives, and grief and even anger are normal, healthy responses to this overwhelming loss. In a breakup, not only are you losing the person you love, but your existence as part of that couple. For most of us that means the loss of the way we led our lives and much of what we held dear -- love and intimacy, the social activities we care about, shared friendships, and a secure home. Small wonder, then, that the end of a relationship can feel as though life has ended as well.

Certainly, the pain associated with losing a loved one is not confined to married couples. Some studies indicate that as many as one out of five teenagers suffers depression because of a romantic breakup. Teenagers who've gone through a romantic breakup, in fact, are more likely to experience the onset of a major depression while still in adolescence, according to a study published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology. If the phrase "love is a drug" has any basis in fact, its sudden loss can be likened to going through drug withdrawal, and often involves the same harrowing set of symptoms: real physical pain, sleeplessness, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, loss of motivation, and thoughts of suicide. If you have constant thoughts of suicide, it's important that you talk to a doctor or call a crisis line immediately.

After 16 years, Dona Blanchard* still recalls the sleepless night she spent after her first painful breakup at age 24. The end of the relationship came during the holidays, and instead of celebrating with friends, she spent Christmas at home weeping. Instead of commiserating with her, some friends were impatient for her to get over the loss of her three-year relationship and enjoy the holidays with them.

"I cried the whole holiday season. I wanted to kill myself. It was really like I was losing an arm," she says. "But a lot of my friends didn't know how deep the relationship was. It seemed like people really didn't care that much. They said to me, 'That's okay. You'll get over it.' "

Others interviewed echoed her experience, adding that recently divorced people are often treated with more understanding and compassion by their friends. "I remember so clearly the breakup of my deepest relationship," says one woman. "We had been in love for five years, and I was so depressed I felt suicidal. Yet in the first week of the breakup, friends were already inviting me to come to parties and 'meet some cute guy.' I felt like I was in an insane asylum. I truly believe that if my sweetheart and I had been married, people would have taken my feelings more seriously."

People who are depressed not only feel sad, they are usually contending with a persistent sense of hopelessness and lethargy. The ability to concentrate and make decisions wanes, along with interest in eating or going out with friends. When emotional exhaustion sets in, even thinking of activities that might distract them is beyond the scope of most people suffering from depression.

When Jack Anderson* moved to California from Ohio to be with a woman he'd been with since college, he thought they'd be together forever. But when she revealed she was seeing someone else, he was devastated. It was like his body shut down. He couldn't sleep well and felt so unmotivated and lethargic that his dinners soon consisted of beans eaten straight from a can. "That's all I had the energy to do," he says.

What can I do to break out of my depression?

If, after two months, you feel as rotten as you did the first week you broke up, or if your mood is affecting your work or making it difficult to take care of yourself or your family, it's a sign you may be suffering from a clinical depression. In this case, you should consider consulting a psychologist, marriage and family therapist, or psychiatrist who can help you determine if you have a mood disorder that can be treated with therapy and/or antidepressant medications.

Talking to your doctor or a counselor can also help speed the healing process. Depression is a serious disease that can be treated with a variety of drugs, but you might find the best help comes from combining them with some type of individual or group therapy that can help you cope with your feelings.

Cognitive behavioral therapy and interpersonal therapy are two types of therapy that have been shown to help people recover from depression; others may find regular psychotherapy helpful. In part, cognitive behavioral therapy consists of changing negative ways of thinking: Healing from a breakup, in part, requires that you not give into obsessive thoughts about the loved one, and that you not rehearse over and over again what went wrong in the relationship. Some therapists also suggest relaxation techniques or other behavior modification tools that may help you overcome symptoms of distress.

Therapists may also suggest you see a physician who can prescribe antidepressants, while some may suggest herbal supplements. The effectiveness of herbal remedies is still a matter of debate, however. Although a review of 23 German studies concluded that St. John's wort, long considered useful in maintaining emotional health, can combat minor bouts of depression as successfully as some antidepressants, a major study published by the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine, the Office of Dietary Supplements, and the National Institute of Mental Health found it to be no more effective than a placebo. Always consult with your doctor before taking herbal supplements because they can interact adversely with other medications, including antidepressants. (Note: never combine herbal antidepressants with antidepressant drugs; the combination can be extremely dangerous. Also, don't take St. John's wort if you're using HIV drugs or organ transplant medications.)

Though the temptation to brood may be overwhelming, try not to let yourself sink into apathy and a lethargic state of mind. It can undermine your self-esteem and exacerbate a downward emotional spiral. Keeping to a schedule of seeing friends or exercising will help fill your time while your heart heals.

As you begin to heal, you may also want to consider the following strategies. They can help you pick yourself up and dust yourself off, even if you're not ready to start all over again.

•Find time to exercise. Studies have shown that getting at least 30 minutes of exercise at least three times a week can lift your mood as much as taking certain antidepressants. Exercise raises the levels of serotonin, the brain chemical that boosts feelings of well-being. (For more information, see Exercise and Depression.) Joining a group of hikers or tennis players will also get you out of the home, where you're more likely to brood.
•Reach out. Isolation can exacerbate depression. Whether it's your family, a formal support group for those going through a breakup or divorce, an informal network of sympathetic friends, a church or synagogue, reaching out to others is crucial in rebuilding your life. Schedule plenty of coffees and lunches with your supportive friends. If you haven't made a new friend in a while, you can use the gym or your local bookstore to find companions.
•Watch what you eat and drink. If you're the type of person who doesn't eat or binges when you're depressed, you shouldn't use this time to embark on a diet or go overboard eating chocolate for dinner. Your body as well as your mind will need healing. Try to keep up with vitamins and supplements that you normally take. Eat the foods that maintain your energy, including fruits and vegetables.

Several natural remedies are thought to boost serotonin levels in the brain and help stabilize your mood, including omega-3 essential fatty acids. According to Harvard psychopharmacologist Andrew Stoll, omega-3 fatty acids, which are found naturally in fatty fishes like salmon, play a significant role in healthy brain function and seem to have a preventative or mitigating effect on both depression and bipolar disorder. You can also get your omega-3 fatty acids courtesy of seafood, but you need to eat fish several times a week to get the full benefit. Taking fish oil or flaxseed oil supplements containing omega-3s is another option.

Although you might be tempted to dull the pain of losing someone with alcohol, consider the effect it will have on your energy level, mental state, and antidepressants you may be taking. It might be healthy to drink moderately (up to two drinks a day for men, up to one drink a day for women), but try not to overdo it. Since alcohol is a depressant, too much of it may depress you further. And remember that with some medications, you shouldn't drink at all. When in doubt, ask your physician.

•If you're healed up enough to venture out of your routine, consider taking a class or otherwise nurturing your creativity. A major life change is an opportunity for reevaluation. If there's something you've always wanted to learn how to do now is the perfect time to try. Universities, dance studios, and community colleges are good places to find literature, painting, language, sports, writing, and music classes.

Creative activities can be outlets for emotions that we don't know how to express in other ways. Some researchers also believe that brain patterns change and serotonin levels may increase when you're painting, playing music, or engaging in other types of art. Writing in a journal can be not only creative, it can help you get feelings of anger and hurt out. Keeping them inside only adds to depression.

•Volunteer. Many people forget about giving to the larger community when they're in a relationship. But community services that involve interacting with others or creating a product that helps others is a good way to restore your faith in humanity. They're also a good way to find new friends.
•Consider a change of scene. Never underestimate the power of an adventurous vacation. Traveling, whether it's to a town just a few hours away or to a different continent, can help you focus on your immediate surroundings and less on the past.

But because traveling alone can sometimes reinforce feelings of isolation, especially if you're in a country where the language is strange to you, you might want to travel in a group or book a vacation that involves activities with other people.

It's probably not a good idea to make any major life changes at this time. This is not the time to suddenly change your job, or move to another city or state. Give yourself some time to adjust to this new state of being before embarking on another big change in your life.

In other words, take care of yourself.

A year after he broke up with his girlfriend, Anderson found a new job and returned to Ohio. And although he and his girlfriend continued to talk by telephone after his return, he was able to concentrate on his new surroundings and resolve his feelings. "There's still a strong sadness," he says. "I still question the things that led up to the breakup, but I don't question the breakup itself."

For Blanchard, it has taken years for the pain to go away. She coped by developing her career as a writer and eventually, she married someone else. Even though she still thinks of her former boyfriend occasionally, she now believes the relationship would never have worked. "I still love him," she says. "But it's a long mourning process. It just has to run its course."

-- Melanie Haiken, M.A., is the former health editor of Parenting magazine. An independent journalist specializing in health, business, and parenting issues, she has served as managing editor of BabyCenter and the San Francisco magazine and executive editor of an Industry Standard magazine, and has written for Time Inc. Health, The Washington Post, and many other publications.

•These names have been changed.
. Different Locations

Depression and Breaking Up

2009-10-11T10:28:00.000-07:00

Every relationship has an end. But though we all know this little grain of truth, it does not lessen the pain when you have to say goodbye to someone or to a relationship.

Becoming depressed after a break up is but normal. In fact, only the insane can stay happy after such a devastating blow! Who would not be sad when the relationship that you have nurtured for so long ends? In a break-up, you are not only losing someone you love, you are also losing the sense of being a couple. There will also be the constant reminders of friends and acquaintances who have been used to seeing you together.

This is perhaps the wrong perception that people should try to change. It is normal to cry when you have gone through a break-up. It is normal to feel sad, to want to mope around and just stay in bed and eat ice cream all day. It is normal to reminisce on the days that you have shared together and remember the happy times. It is normal… up to a certain period.

If you have been depressed for years now, then that is not something that you should still consider normal. People need time to cope with their emotions. They need time to heal and to make sense of what has so suddenly changed in their lives. They need time to pick up the pieces of their lives and gather the broken pieces of their heart once again. But hearts do not remain broken. People do recover from a failed relationship. They move on. They live and love again. If, however, you have not recovered for months now and it is starting to affect your professional and social life, then it is time to rid yourself of the thought that it is normal and then call a psychologist immediately. You might be dealing with a full-blown depression or if not, on the verge of doing so.

Teenagers are especially vulnerable to depression after a break up perhaps because in addition to coping with the stress of a failed relationship, they are also going through a lot of changes in their lives. Teenagers are also more emotional and less able to handle their feelings well. This inference was supported by a clinical study that was published in 1999 in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology. The study found out that one out of five teenagers suffers from depression after a break-up.

Teeners who have had relationships in the past are also more likely to suffer from depression than people who never had any relationships at all.

Among the symptoms that depressed people experience are inability to sleep, anxiety over a lot of things, excessive worrying, inability to concentrate, lack of appetite, feelings of hopelessness, loss of motivation, and deep sadness. Some people will even have suicidal thoughts although only a few would actually kill themselves. These people will suddenly lose their interest in things and in their work. They will stop doing the things that they usually do. They will stop doing the things that they used to love doing. They will even stop hanging out or talking with friends.

Usually, doctors give people who have gone through a breakup two months to cope with the situation. If after two months, they are still not over the break-up and has not yet recovered, it is best that they consult a psychologist. If psychologists make them feel awkward, they can always call telephone crisis lines or call their friends for some counseling sessions. Joining online community groups that are composed of people who are also suffering from the same dilemma can also help you heal.

Talking it out is the best way to help people heal after a breakup. This is the time when you need the support of your friends and your family. Finding a diversion can also help a lot. In fact, people who have gone through break-ups would immediately start a new hobby or enroll in a new class. Learning something new can fill up your time and will be a great way to also forget what happened. What is more, starting a new hobby can also help you meet new friends and perhaps a new love.

Do Nice Guys Have to Finish Last?

2009-10-11T10:27:00.001-07:00

Why is it that the women you know tell you they want a "nice guy," but it's the smooth player who gets their number while you stay home weekends watching bad cable TV? You're a nice guy. Lots of women have told you so. Of course, it's in the form of, "You're a nice guy, but..." Do women want nice guys or not? The answer is yes, they do. But the simple reason that they often date the "player" is because these guys actually ASK THEM OUT. They don't just sit on the bench: they get in the game. They know that while a batting average of .300 is a really good thing, it means that they will still strike out over 2/3 of the time, but they take their swing anyway. This confidence is very attractive to women. It's not that women want nice guys to become "players," but they would love it if you would get in the game.

Most nice guys are trying to respect a woman's feelings and her space. They don't want to come on too strong. They do want to acknowledge her strength and independence. But sometimes in being "nice," they sabotage their chances. It's the "Halfway Theory." Nice guys assume the woman will meet them halfway. That way, she still has control and feels empowered. That's nice, but it's wrong. You will not make yourself attractive to a woman by pursuing her only halfway. Think about it: if Sammy Sosa got up to the plate, hit the ball and then ran only HALFWAY to first base, he'd be out. And if he didn't even try to swing at the ball at all, he'd also end up back on the bench. Articles on MarsVenus.com, explain the fact that most men don't realize the power they have to win a woman over. Your attraction and interest in her will make her more interested in and attracted to you. This is why halfway is not far enough. We surveyed women in our office about the things nice guys do that don't quite connect and came up with four tips to help a nice guy make contact—all you have to do is take that swing:

1. Don't sweat the "etiquette"

You've always been taught "Ladies first," and so there you are waiting for a signal before approaching and making your move. For some guys, it can be as small and subtle as a quick smile; others need the equivalent of a sledgehammer over the head but whichever category you fall into, you may be waiting forever so Do make the first move. If you are attracted to a woman, making that move will make you more attractive to her. Our research shows whenever a man does something to make a woman feel special, in her eyes he becomes more attractive.

2. Don't play it cool

Now you're probably thinking, "But I don't want her to feel like I'm hitting on her. I don't want her to think I am trying to pick her up." You do want her to think you are hitting on her. If she thinks you are just being polite or friendly, then she will not see you as a romantic prospect. So, do express your interest. This doesn't mean some tired line like, "Hey baby, what's your sign?" Ask her questions about herself. Find out about common interests. Listen to her instead of talking about you. Again, your interest in her will fuel her attraction to you.

3. Don't compliment clothing

Compliments can be a good icebreaker—if they are done right. One of the women at in our office recounted that she was grocery shopping after work and a guy came up to her and said "Nice jacket." She looked at him like he was from Mars (which he was) and muttered "Thanks" and continued shopping. It didn't occur to her until much later that he was trying to make contact with her because he was attracted to her. She thought he was interested in her jacket. So remember, do compliment the woman. Had this guy said, "That jacket looks great on YOU" or "YOU look nice in that jacket," she would have understood his intention.

4. Don't hand a woman your business card

You give a woman your business card because you are trying to be respectful and considerate. Let her feel empowered. "Give me a call if you're interested." This can backfire because then a woman interprets this as you wanting to be pursued. It makes her feel as if she isn't attractive enough to you for you to pursue her. So instead, do ask for her card/number. She might say "no," which could mean she's uncomfortable giving out her number or she's not interested. But if she is somewhat interested, the act of asking for her number is likely to increase her attraction to you. After you've make that move, then giving her your card will more likely be interpreted correctly.

Nice Guys Don't Have to Finish Last - Part 2

In our last article we explored some of the things nice guys do that, although they feel they are being respectful towards women and their feelings, can backfire and hurt their chances of getting in the game. The problem can be summed up by the "Halfway Theory," which comes into play when nice guys expect to be met halfway by the woman, to give her control and empower her. Our dating articles explain how most men don't realize the incredible power they have to sweep a woman off her feet. The secret of "players" is that their confidence and interest is attractive to women.

Don't ask her out halfway

Again, not wanting to pressure the woman or come on too strong, you say something like "Hey, maybe we could catch a movie some time" or "Let's get together for lunch." This leaves the ball in her court and then she's forced to pursue you. Her attraction to you diminishes because you are not showing anything but casual interest in her so do make specific plans. Instead of "Maybe we could catch a movie sometime," try "There's a Cary Grant retrospective playing downtown next week. Would you like to go with me?" or " This great new Italian place opened near work. Could I take you there sometime next week?" If you must test the waters with the vague "Maybe we could get together sometime," be sure to FOLLOW-UP with a specific plan immediately.

So if you say, "Maybe we could catch a movie sometime" and she says "That sounds great," immediately come up with a specific plan as in, "There's a Cary Grant retrospective playing downtown next week. Would you like to go?" Woman love the confidence of a man with a plan.

Mean Women ( The real bitches)

2009-10-11T10:15:00.000-07:00

Number 10
She is self-centered
To a bitch, the only person in the world of any importance is herself. Others are merely warm bodies who get in the way of her selfish pursuits. She is the only person affected by a tragedy. The only feelings worth considering are hers. A bitch is so obsessed with herself that she would rather get a manicure than visit your father in the hospital.

No one should have to tolerate this kind of superiority complex -- especially a good man, who tends to be the preferred victim of the bitch.
Number 9
She criticizes everything about you
Shaming is a common tactic women use to control their men. The bitch takes this to the extreme. By making you feel inadequate in every domain, she hopes to make you lose your self-confidence, then rely on her to do things "right." Nothing is good enough for her, and you are the only one, aside from her bitch friends, who actually listens. So she nags about everything you say and do.
Number 8
She's cold-hearted
A bitch is typically amoral, adhering minimally to the ethical codes of society while transgressing those that are inconvenient to her. She dismisses civility for her own gains. She's manipulative and scheming, always looking for underhanded ways of taking advantage of people or even hurting them. And as proof that she lacks a woman's gentle soul, she never cries or shows soft emotion.
Number 7
She expects to be treated like a queen
A bitch is usually a spoiled brat who simply refuses to grow up. She was pampered and adored as a child, and typically given anything she asked for. As an adult, she still thinks she is entitled to everything. She consistently expects car rides, gifts and attention from you. She makes constant demands of people, and never listens to their requests. There is no fixing such a person; it's programmed into her. Only by being denied several times will she begin to get a clue.
Number 6
She slights you in bed
You want to know just how heartless such a woman can be? Not only does she not appreciate all the effort you put into pleasing her sexually, she also has the gall to ridicule you. But she'll pick the oddest times to do so, such as during an unrelated argument or just randomly in passing. This could be a cruel comment about your size, stamina or technique. More grating still is the fact that she would go crazy if you were to reciprocate the slur.

If she treats people like trash, bosses you around and embarrasses you in public, you know what you have to do...
Number 5
She treats people like trash
As someone who believes luxury treatment is owed to her, a bitch has no respect for those who do things for her. She's rude to people who work in the service industry, such as waiters and clerks, seeing them not as human beings, but as robots who exist solely to serve her. She talks at them -- not to them.

She has no compassion for people in need, such as the poor or the sick. "It's their own fault," she'll tell herself and others. More sickening still, she's mean to children, as they are a nuisance and can't do anything for her. And since her existence dwells on envy, she constantly badmouths other women over trivial things, such as their earrings or the way they speak.
Number 4
She never pays
As she thinks that it is the duty of others to provide for her, the bitch is a tightwad. On dates she always selects expensive restaurants and orders the priciest dish and drink, but never offers to pay. She won't pitch in for gas on trips or for food at a get-together. She buys crappy gifts for others, when she can be bothered, usually expecting you to pay for them. And if you mention any of these things, she'll accuse you of being cheap!
Number 3
She bosses you around
A bitch's massive superiority complex makes her think people are born to be her servants, especially her boyfriend. As someone who spends a lot of his time with her, she uses you to do all the menial tasks that she doesn't want to. Sometimes she'll even boss you around for the power trip -- just because she can.
Number 2
She embarrasses you in public
A bitch cares nothing about the feelings of others, not even those of the hapless sap she may be dating. In fact, she uses her man as a punching bag. Sometimes she even berates him in front of his friends, or even hers. She does this either as a power trip, to show others she can, or simply to beat a man's self-worth down to her own level -- after all, misery loves company.
Number 1
She flirts with other men
This is the most intolerable trait of a bitch, which many men sadly tolerate. She'll tease and allure other men right in front of you, never once considering how you may feel about it. There are no bounds to her search for attention and admiration. And to top it off, she'll wheedle whatever feelings of jealousy she can from you by comparing you to other men.
ditch the bitch
It's a strange phenomenon of life. So many good men somehow end up with the cold, abusive woman I just described. They may think they can help her, or even more tragically, they may believe they can't do any better. But no man should have to put up with someone who treats him like a pest.