Missing Pieces

After Abortion...Silence

2011-01-24T06:56:00.002-07:00

I can't help but compare the Sanctity of Human Life Day and the Roe vs Wade Legalization of abortion days (January 23 and January 22 respectively) with the actual abortion process. Everything falls in line with so many similarities.

SILENCE.

I'm not a news junky, but I heard very little conversations about this topic in the media this weekend.

There is so much silence surrounding this issue. We have grown weary with the debating of it all and there are more pressing issues at hand.

So the women of choice passed quietly through this weekend. Hardly noticing any twinge of pain themselves. Ignoring everything connected to choice seems to be the answer. Maybe if we ignore the whole thing...maybe, just maybe "it" will go away.

NOT. Pain always has a way of surfacing "somewhere." In our bodies, in our minds, in our souls, in our relationships.

Yes, it was a quiet news weekend. Not much up. And so our culture marches on with denial as our best friend.

Trigger Day

2011-01-21T07:01:00.003-07:00

OK.........so we're 38 years past legalization of abortion in our country. Well, we will be tomorrow, January 22nd, the day it officially became a legal right. As we continue to debate the pro's and con's...women sit in silence. I am amazed at how many women keep falling through the cracks. Why talk? No one will listen. My heart saddens on this day...for the women who are trapped in their prison of silence. Like me on Thursday of this week when hearing my friend tell of a news story about a former abortionist. For a few silent and unknown seconds (except to me) I entered my world of isolated horror and grief. I could not in any way connect to the reality of it all. My mind "went there" for a few seconds...my own living hell...then I came back to life and went on with my day. I am a person who is years past the event and with countless hours of healing "under my belt, in my head and heart."

Still there are the ice cold moments that trigger us. Only those who have been there could possibly understand.

The irony of it all is that my abortion was NOT legal. Whether or not it was legal did not make a difference to my thoughts, feelings and own heart. For this reason, I hope I can be a "safe place" for women to share. I feel this is my slice of the pie.

Not me.

2011-01-20T07:04:00.001-07:00

It is nearing the anniversary of Roe vs Wade. (January 22). A friend of mine was sharing yesterday a radio broadcast she heard that was very powerful. A woman talking about watching an ultrasound of an abortion. Baby was "fighting" for its life...only 12 weeks old. I tried to wrap my mind around "the process" of abortion. As I listened to her words, I "felt" myself going into an out-of-body experience. For the first time ...all these years past my abortion...I was able to recognize the actual dissociation reaction I was having as she talked. I was unable in my mind and heart to even imagine that my friend could have been talking about ME and MY baby. NO...this was someone else she was describing. NOT ME. For a few fleeting seconds my body was frozen in time. My mind literally went away. I COULD NOT connect what she was describing with my own personal experience. Herein lies the problem for millions of women. Even after all the help and amazing healing I've personally been through for years and years...it is so hard for me to wrap my mind around the horridness of "it" all and connect it to my own personal experience. The power of fear keeps all of us from really "looking at" the pain of abortion. I guess this is why I'm passionate about helping women tell their secrets in safety and with no judgement. I have a feeling there are millions of women "out there" whose mind and hearts go to a "different place" when they hear their friend talk about abortion. For me, it was another time. Another world. Another place. It wasn't me. No, NOT ME.

Starting All Over...

2010-06-23T10:55:00.003-06:00

Making big decisions is hard. Sometimes the choices we make will impact our entire life...forever. As I look back on my life, I see how one choice leads to another choice and yet another...then before you know it your life takes twists and turns down paths you never dreamed. Working with my clients as we look at the missing pieces in their lives it becomes very clear how our choices direct our days. And the days the weeks, then the years.

Sometimes it comes down to making one big decision...a decision to just "start over." Instead of being at the mercy of fate, sometimes we just have to get intentional with our decisions. One big decision I encourage my clients to make is to start going down a path that brings health. It is quite freeing to some of them to actually realize that we can choose health! Wow! What a revelation!

I encourage the women I work with to choose health, choose life, choose to choose! We don't have to be stuck and at the mercy of fate. We can begin to make small baby steps toward health. If we make correct "little decisions" we will be heading down a path where the big decisions have a greater chance of being ones that will impact our lives in a positive way.

Recently I've decided to commit to health...for the rest of my life...what about you?

Press Release: New Resource Helps Women Face Grief After Abortion Without Fear

2010-04-29T19:04:00.002-06:00

Buena Vista, CO (PRWEB) April 21, 2010 -- Professional Therapist Trudy M. Johnson, L.M.F.T., who helps women with grief after an abortion decision, says it is time to give women who've chosen to voluntarily terminate a pregnancy a venue to grieve and process their loss.

Women who've made abortion decisions over the last four decades make up one of the largest demographic in our nation. According to the Alan Guttmacher Institute, a statistical gathering arm of Planned Parenthood over one million choice decisions per year have been made since 1973.

Johnson believes women do not typically talk about an abortion in their past, "This is because they don't want to risk rejection, receive condemnation, or be misunderstood about the natural sadness that can occur after a voluntary pregnancy termination.

Women experience something called disenfranchised grief after an abortion. There are no open venues for talking about, crying about, or expressing any emotion over the feeling of loss that can often blindside a woman after a decision to terminate a pregnancy," says therapist Trudy Johnson, founder of Missing Pieces. Org.

Pain is a Universal Language

2010-02-20T02:05:00.003-07:00

Pain is a universal language that needs no interpreter. I have seen more pain the past few weeks than I've seen in a long,long time. Maybe I am just wearing down with it all. The thing about pain is that it imprisons a person in such a way there is no escape. Trying to run or medicate works for awhile, but even these coping skills only have a temporary lifespan. You have to get away, but getting away only means that coming back is inevitable.

When I discharged a client from her two-week participation in the brief intensive therapy program she completed yesterday, I gave her a symbolic going away present. I remembered having to get out a new box of kleenex from the supply cabinet when she arrived. Now on the last day, in the last hour of our session, she pulled the last kleenex from the box. As she wiped the last tear from her face, we laughed about her using a whole box full of kleenexes. I took the scissors and dismantled the box so it would lay flat. I handed the flattened package to her as a memorial of the "only way" she could release herself of the pain...crying!

Finding a safe place to grieve losses is a starting place for dumping the pain in our souls. There is something about someone "being there" and sharing the pain with you. Truly a burden shared is reduced, not magnified. Crying helps. But someone crying with you is even better.

Disenfranchised Grief and Depression

2010-02-11T06:33:00.005-07:00

Ok. I'm talking about a very heavy subject this morning. Sorry for those of you looking for "light reading." Maybe you should google on something more cheerful if you can find anything in the news.

Disenfranchised grief is grief experienced by an individual that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated or publically observed. The loss experienced is real, but survivors are not accorded the “right to grieve” by anyone around them. An individual may have an intense and multifaceted reaction to a loss, yet those around him are completely ignorant or invalidating about the sadness that person may feel. Society at large simply is not comfortable with grief and for the most part completely ignores many instances of grief.

Some examples of disenfranchised grief are:

1) Loss of a pregnancy due to miscarriage
a. People say stupid things like “you can always have another baby.”
2) Loss of a pregnancy due to abortion
a. There is no public venue and complete lack of permission to grieve the loss of voluntary pregnancy termination
3) Loss of a child in an adoption process
a. Complete lack of understanding by society at large
4) Loss of an ex-husband or ex-wife
a. People say, “Wow! You should be glad they are out of your life now!
5) Break up of a gay couple
a. Complete lack of acknowledgement by society as a whole

When a person is in a disenfranchised grief circumstance, they are unable to process the emotions involved in that loss. They will do this usually completely alone and with no support system. The grieving process is always best done in community. It is important for others to share the tears and the pain of the loss. Yet in the instances mentioned above,parties involved in these losses are completely abandoned and isolated in their pain.

While there is a great movement of grief support groups in our nation, even those are probably not going to touch on the above mentioned losses, unless someone finds their special niche of group. They are available but sometimes hard to find.

The grieving process can be a long, difficult and painful process. The ideal way to grieve, again, is to have someone walk that valley of pain with you. It is the isolation and the abandonment that heaps even more coals of pain onto one’s heart in a disenfranchised grief situation.

Without validation and confirmation from another person, the emotions of sadness get pushed down. Eventually a person with disenfranchised grief will find themselves with a full blown case of depression.

Some common signs of depression are:
1) Lack of interest in things that used to bring joy
2) Difficulty getting out of bed in the morning
3) Sluggish, tired feeling
4) Unable to sleep or restless sleep
5) General feeling of sadness
6) Crying spells
7) Feeling fearful

Disenfranchised grief needs community for healing. If you are suffering from depression caused by disenfranchised grief it is important that you find someone to walk the valley of sadness with you. You can either find a professional who is trained in grief counseling or find the particular support group that would pertain to you. At the very least, it is important for you to find a friend who could listen to your story and who would be a safe place to cry with you.

You can take a grief inventory quiz on my Web site at www.missingpieces.org

White As Snow

2010-02-09T06:29:00.003-07:00

We hear the phrase "white as snow" from time to time. I don't think you can really grasp how white snow is until you see it all around you. We had one of our famous February snowstorms recently here in the heart of the Rocky Mountains. The snow was so beautifully white as the sun shone on it the next day! It was completely necessary to wear sunglasses even making a small drive to the grocery store.

The whiteness, the newness, the crispness...the concepts of being covered with such a pretty blanket of white reminded me of my clients who come to the intensive counseling programs. They are so desperate for a fresh new place to start again in their lives.

They want the old gone and a new blanket of whiter than snow to envelop them. This does happen so many times! It is an awesome experience to be rid of the things that weigh a person down. To be brand new...white as snow...this isn't an impossible goal. The clawmarks of trauma taint us all. It is encouraging to see so many women walk away with a newness of life after taking part in brief intensive therapy.

Sad Grandma?

2010-02-05T08:50:00.003-07:00

Future and past met and collided when I held my first Grandbaby in my arms. Women of choice are often overcome with an unexpected flow of happiness and grief when they meet their first grandbaby.

If you have chosen a voluntary pregnancy termination you need to know that grief after an abortion choice is real. While our culture says that abortion is the closure, what I see from my personal vantage point and also the professional venue, the abortion is a start of a long process to resolution.

Here are some things to consider if you are a Grandmother with voluntary pregnancy termination in your past.

1). The grief you feel is real. You are experiencing disenfranchised grief over your abortion experience. There is no permission to grieve your choice. There is no public forum to even talk about what you feel.

2). You are not alone. Over 50 million women have made choice decisions. The majority of us feel just like you do. We want to cry, but don’t feel like we deserve that option.

3). Grieving an abortion is a process that can take many years and can run in cycles. An event like holding your first grandchild can trigger all those feelings of confusion and sadness to rise up inside of you.

4). There is a lot of hope and many places to talk about your abortion experience where people understand how you are feeling. You can go to www.amazon.com and type in “help after abortion” to find books on the subject.

5). You can find a support group where other ladies feel the same as you. There is a lot of comfort available in a support group setting. The best Web site I’ve found for this help is www.abortionrecovery.org They will have a listing of counselors and support groups and other helpers available 24 hours a day.

Be encouraged! You are not alone in your overwhelming celebration of new life and sadness over life that wasn’t allowed. Collin Grant is an amazing person. I feel so privileged to be “his Gammy.” I will always remember holding him that very first time. Even when he walks down the aisle at his high school graduation, I will think of him as that little person all wrapped up in the soft blue blanket. I grieve, but not without hope.

That little baby gave me hope for new beginnings. I wish this hope for all my sisters of choice who sit silently in their prison of silence over a past voluntary pregnancy termination.

Grandbabies: Abortion Reality Check

2010-02-04T06:40:00.005-07:00

I compartmentalized my voluntary pregnancy termination so many years ago while in college. Now as I was holding this wee little bundle of a grandchild I was hit with emotion I didn’t know how to handle.

Working with women who reach a new level of reality concerning the deep dark secret of their abortion choice, I never cease to be amazed at how the birth of that first grandchild can be an incredible trigger. On one hand I am always comforted that I am not alone in this place of pain. On the other hand, I never cease to be amazed at how much buried angst resides in the hearts of women who’ve made a choice decision.

I accomplished some level of healing over a period of years. But abortion is (I say probably much too often) the gift that keeps on giving. I was visiting my son and his wife after the birth of my first grandchild. I was excited about the visit. I thought the plane to Ft. Lauderdale from Colorado would never get there. I thought I was prepared for seeing Collin Grant. The name fits him appropriately now. But at the time, I thought it was an awfully grown up name for a brand new baby. I imagined that “first hold.”

But in retrospect there was no way to fathom what looking down in that little face wrapped in the soft flannel blanket would mean to me. Words can’t describe the emotion that welled up strong inside of me.

I thought I was prepared, but I wasn’t. This is often the reaction I hear from other ladies who also go through the experience of that “first grandbaby hold.” The impact of the generational flow of life is beyond comprehension and very powerful. When you add the component of grief surrounding your own decision for voluntary pregnancy termination, the experience is a double edged sword. The little bundle is a reminder of the hope of the future and a reminder of things not meant to be from the past.

Future and past meet and even collide. Women of choice are often overcome with an unexpected flow of happiness and grief when they meet their first grandbaby. If you have chosen a voluntary pregnancy termination you need to know that grief after an abortion choice is real. While our culture says that abortion is the closure, what I see from my personal vantage point and also the professional venue, the abortion is a start of a long process to resolution.

Tomorrow I will give you things to consider if you are a Grandmother with a volutary pregnancy termination in your past.

Abandonment-A Real Hurt

2010-02-03T06:09:00.003-07:00

OK...so I have the appearance of abandoning my blogging. I haven't really left. My heart has been here. I wake in the middle of the night thinking ...I need to jump up right now and write something. Yes, I think about my blog. But have I done anything? Nope. This is the same concept as abandonment that clients I work with deal with when trying to reach a place of peace. They say, "well, my parents weren't that bad. They bought me things. I didn't go without food. There was a roof over my head. I know they loved me. Yes, their parents had the appearance of caring, but were they really there? There were no messages of encouragement, no words of hope. Only silence. All the while their children were wondering...do I exist? Do they know I am here waiting to hear...waiting to know if anyone cares? Abandonment can be one of the most painful experiences a human can go through. The recovery process is slow. This sense of absence of important people who should be there and who should give verbal and physical messages of caring can only be healed in community. Having a new reality of someone walking beside you offering their presence in a real way...this is the hope that brief intensive therapy provides. It really works! Yes folks, I am back and I promise, promise, I will no longer abandon my commitment to my blog. I have missed you too. Really, I have!

A Reminder of How Talking Helps

2009-11-07T09:48:00.003-07:00

The tragic shooting at Ft. Hood left our nation in a cloud of sadness. The grief touched our hearts and souls at the deepest levels. I was sad about the loss of people I'd never seen, never met, never knew. Deep inside us there is a natural grief that follows a loss like this. I found myself trying not to think about "it." Yet a few hours later, I would start talking about "it" again. I was compelled to send my two boys emails reminding them I loved them. I called my mom..."just to talk." Something about grief and loss drives us to want to connect. We don't want to be alone in our sadness. Thinking about this, while a completely different circumstance, I was reminded of how those of us who've chosen to voluntarily terminate a pregnancy are so alone in our grief. We don't, won't, can't talk about our feeling of loss and sadness. This isn't a natural reaction to grief. We need a better way for women.

The Real Losers: Women Who Sit in Silence

2009-11-02T12:56:00.001-07:00

The buzz on the blogs is that the pro-choicers are losing the battle to the pro-lifers. Once again this confirms my mantra. In the midst of all the dialogue and political rheteroic and debate, women sit silent afraid to talk about their abortions.

The real people getting hurt, dismissed and minimized are the women who know the most about the issue. They sit silently with no where to go with their disenfranchised grief.

The blah blah continues while women cry in their closets. It is time to stop the debate for lets say two days or so and let women have their voices. Come on people! We can do better for our women. Pro-con...whatever... It's all a bunch of words to the woman who suffers in her disenfranchised grief bed.

Common Ground

2009-10-30T09:22:00.000-06:00

In his controversial speech to Notre Dame this year, President Obama challenged us all to find common ground on the abortion issue. Our culture needs to understand: letting women talk about their abortions is the common ground that each side can embrace.

The "A"- word (abortion) incites an incredible amount of political and religious rheteroic. In the meantime, women of choice sit silently with no venue to grieve. Women don't talk about their choice decisions for fear of risking rejection, condemnation, misunderstanding or invalidation of the pain they might feel.

Glamour Magazine courageously offered an article (February '09) that will be the catalyst, I believe, for revolutionizing the way women process their choice decisions. You can read the article titled, "Abortion: The Serious Health Decision Women Aren't Talking About Until Now" here: Abortion: The Serious Health Decision Women Aren’t Talking About Until Nowhttp://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2009/02/the-serious-health-decision-women-arent-talking-about-until-now

Thirty Years of Tears

2009-10-27T09:57:00.000-06:00

Just yesterday I had a woman on my couch (literally) who wept and wept about the abortion she had 30 years ago. She was only 16 at the time of the "vpt". She had never talked about the abortion, much less cried in front of anyone. This wasn’t anything about the legalities of abortion. This was one woman’s heart that needed to let out the grief she had felt so long.

We’ve taken the issue of “choice” off the streets and out of the back-alley. It is now time to let those who have made the choice grieve their loss without the spotlight of political or religious dialogue. Women who’ve made the choice shouldn’t have to risk rejection, condemnation, misunderstanding or disapproval just because at a later point in time they are searching for resolution to their loss.

April 19, 1985

2009-10-15T05:38:00.003-06:00

She was sitting in the big granny rocker that's in the corner of my counseling room. I guessed her age to be 10 years younger than she actually was. She was delightful in demeanor but in her eyes were a sadness that compelled me to look closer.

I never cease to be amazed at women's stories. I am also reminded frequently at how many details of the "vpt" day that come to mind when "the story" gets told. She remembered "that day" very well. Her "vpt" day was April 19, 1985. She described the weather, the doctor's office, the doctor's face, the feel of her husband's hand as he stood beside her and squeezed it. Tears were flowing and her voice shook. So much emotion there that had never been expressed! Her tone turned to anger as she talked about the reasons why. It softened as she went into the "what-if's" and the "I wonders." "I wonder what my child would have looked like. Would it be a girl, one like my precious 25 year old daughter...the light of my life.?"

I could go on recounting the story. The important thing is that someone was there to hear her story. Someone was there to listen with compassion and hand her a kleenex to wipe the tear falling down her cheek. It is so good to tell our stories. This is the beginning of finding our way home ...to comfort and to peace. ~Selah.

"Now We're Talking!"

2009-10-13T13:13:00.000-06:00

Abortion or "voluntary pregnancy termination" is not anything we set out to do as a “goal” per se. It was never any of our basic desires to have to choose. Just like we were all on different roads and now we are here at this intersection, so are the choices we’ve made. Every choice, every decision has its own unique set of circumstances.

For women of choice our commonality is the same. There are other choices we could have made. Single-parenting, “having to get married,” adoption or in the case of a tough medical outcome…none of the options available provided perfect answers. For many of us perfection was demanded from us, either by ourselves or by others.

Choices, decisions are hard. There is never any easy answer. Every single one of the roads we could have chosen involve loss and grief. In abortion decisions we take the solitary road. If feels like we are alone. We don’t talk…until now!

30 Years of Tears

2009-09-28T12:51:00.003-06:00

Recently,I had a woman on my couch (literally) who wept and wept about the abortion she had 30 years ago. She was only 16 at the time of the "vpt". She had never talked about the abortion, much less cried in front of anyone. This wasn’t anything about the legalities of abortion. This was one woman’s heart that needed to let out the grief she had felt so long. We’ve taken the issue of “choice” off the streets and out of the back-alley. It is now time to let those who have made the choice grieve their loss without the spotlight of political or religious dialogue. Women who’ve made the choice shouldn’t have to risk rejection, condemnation, misunderstanding or disapproval just because at a later point in time they are searching for resolution to their loss.

Legal Right to Cry

2009-09-21T09:28:00.001-06:00

I didn’t realize until I began studying grief in my chaplaincy program that there are several types of grief. What I was feeling and what other women with a history of “vpt” are experiencing is something called disenfranchised grief. The word disenfranchised means to “deprive of a legal right, or of some privilege or immunity.”[1]

Isn’t it interesting that we are given the right to legal termination of a pregnancy but we are not given the right to grieve the loss of the pregnancy when the time comes for us to do so. As someone who made a choice in a difficult situation, I know the pain of “not being allowed to grieve” my loss. The grief is there but we do not give ourselves permission to “go there.” Imagine that getting license to cry could actually be a privilege!

[1] Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary http://www.merriam-webster.com/

After Abortion: No Cry Zone!

2009-09-17T07:12:00.002-06:00

Glamour Magazine courageously offered a recent article (February '09) that will be the catalyst, I believe, for revolutionizing the way women process their choice decisions. You can read the article titled, "Abortion: The Serious Health Decision Women Aren't Talking About Until Now" here: Abortion: The Serious Health Decision Women Aren’t Talking About Until Nowhttp://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2009/02/the-serious-health-decision-women-arent-talking-about-until-now FINALLY! Women are able to talk about the grief they feel over an abortion loss.

As someone who made a choice in a difficult situation, I know the pain of “not being allowed to grieve” my loss. The grief is there but we do not give ourselves permission to “go there.” There is no public venue for grieving. This type of grief is called disenfranchised grief.

Disenfranchised grief is what women who choose "vpt" are feeling about their decision. I am creating a resource to help women specifically with disenfranchised grief and abortion loss. This is the first book of its kind and I hope it will help many women process and resolve their voluntary pregnancy termination. The book is PUBLISHED NOW!!! Go to www.missingpieces.org and choose Pressroom to read about it. :)

Out of the Back Alley

2009-09-16T11:11:00.001-06:00

We’ve taken the issue of “choice” off the streets and out of the back-alley. It is now time to let those who have made the choice grieve their loss without the spotlight of political or religious dialogue.

Women who’ve made the choice shouldn’t have to risk rejection, condemnation, misunderstanding or disapproval just because at a later point in time they are searching for resolution to their loss.

Those who’ve chosen shouldn’t have to assume that if they even try to resolve the grief around the issue that they are putting choice in jeopardy of de- legalization. This would be paramount to a person suffering from alcoholism being afraid to get help because it might cause the nation to go back into the era of prohibition.

It should not only be “OK” to get help to process a past abortion, but it should be absolutely acceptable in the eyes of our culture.I’ve been helping women grieve their abortion losses for 14 years now. Through this process, I’ve realized that we are keeping women in the dark ages because they are unable to grieve a very important loss in their life. This type of grief is called disenfranchised grief.

Bringing the "A" -Word Out of the Closet

2009-09-15T14:19:00.002-06:00

Glamour Magazine courageously displayed an article early this year(February '09) that will be the catalyst, I believe, for revolutionizing the way women process their choice decisions. You can read the article titled, "Abortion: The Serious Health Decision Women Aren't Talking About Until Now" here: Abortion: The Serious Health Decision Women Aren’t Talking About Until Nowhttp://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2009/02/the-serious-health-decision-women-arent-talking-about-until-now

The "A"- word incites an incredible amount of political and religious rheteroic. In the meantime, women of choice sit silently with no venue to grieve. Women don't talk about their choice decisions for fear of risking rejection, condemnation, misunderstanding or invalidation of the pain they might feel.

There is a natural and unavoidable grief process for choice decisions, yet there is no venue for talking about, crying or expressing any emotion about the loss. As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I am using "vpt" ~ "voluntary pregnancy termination" instead of the "A-word" when helping my clients grieve their pregnancy losses incurred because of past choice decisions.

"Vpt" brings processing and resolving the grief connected to the loss out of the political realm into the true heart issue women face...that of grief and loss. We’ve taken the issue of “choice” off the streets and out of the back-alley. Women who’ve made the choice shouldn’t have to risk rejection or misunderstanding just because at a later point in time they are searching for closure. Women haven't been talking. Until now...

09 09 09

2009-09-09T16:12:00.001-06:00

Today is an unusual day in the history of time. 09 09 09 is an unusual configuration of numbers that will never occur again. It is for this reason, I am beginning my blog on this special day. My life’s passion is so unique that it deserves this special configuration of a point in history.

I hope you will be blessed to read my thoughts and my journey and that you will receive encouragement and hope with these posts. Truly, 09 09 09 is the first day...for me...for us!