I AM NOT MENTAL: DΔRRΞNX

Oi Q

2012-01-09T08:42:00.001Z

From: Darren Russell [thedarrenxshow@gmail.com]
Sent: Sunday, January 08, 2012 5:16 PM
To: Rees, Paul
Subject: LETTER: Oi Q...

Oi Q,

What do you think you're playing at?

Just finishing reading your '140 songs to download' feature and whilst it was a throughly enjoyable lazy sunday spent listening to each of the songs recommended. I couldn't help but spot that you sneakily put 'Pulled apart by horses - V.E.N.O.M' in at number 32 AND 131. Whilst i am partial to a bit of Horses, this song isn't that great in my opinion that it merits being downloaded twice. Frankly, I would rather use the extra 8mb that it would take up on my hard drive to put towards my ever growing collection of GIF kittens. Whilst i am sure this is only an editorial failure and punishment of which should be nothing less than to sit and listen to Chris Moyles on repeat for the next 3 days only stopping occasionally when someone comes in to check you haven't OD'd on his EGO, i would appreciate if you would give us the missing track, as I believe I, and countless other Q readers have been misled by your 139 songs to download instead of 140. May i suggest some 'Hot hot heat' because its my favourite?

Yours Exaggeratedly,

Darren Russell

From: "Rees, Paul"
Date: 9 January 2012 08:17:55 AM GMT
To: Darren Russell
Subject: RE: LETTER: Oi Q...

Good spot, Darren.

The hairshirt is coming out of the cupboard as we speak...

The Future of Nightclubs

2011-11-09T22:16:00.001Z

Having recently purchased an iPad I have now seen the future of nightclubbing and pub DJing. Maybe DJing in general.

Firstly, the iPad isn't only the most solid media device I think I have ever used. It's not a computer and therefore shouldn't be treated like one. What this means is; the way you have to close a computer down and take a big enough bag with you to take it to the gig, the iPad you don't. The iPad sleeps and awakens instantly. Throws straight into your bag and feels like you can just forget about it. Let alone the battery life is astronomical even for a hardcore user. But the iPad itself isn't what will change the DJ landscape forever, it's the software that is available.

Damon Albarn recently recorded a whole album using entirely iPad apps. What's to stop you going into a club and DJing for 4 hours doing the same?

The most awesome DJ app of he lot is DJAY. I lets you use your iTunes library (stored in your iPad) to DJ two tracks at a time as stealthily as your heart desires. It's seamless, it almost is too good sometimes. It also has a shit load of effects and is stocked just as much as Virtual DJ for your laptop. Just say one of your punters ask for a song you don't have. Just download it on iTunes and then it's available straight away in the application to cue up next.

There is a few things that are gong to be added in due course like sampling which also might come in handy if you want to use your iPad for broadcasting etc.

Say DJAY were to link this little bad boy with spotify and give you premium members the access to all the music on there too. It'd be unstoppable.

Anyway, rant almost over.

DJ's ditch that laptop. Use your iPad.

Done.

Q Magazine: Y U NO IPADY

2011-11-07T23:22:00.000Z

Dearest Q,

Why are all the other magazines which i subscribe (namely: The Beano and Take A Break - say what you like about it but there make-it-yourself section is second to none, what with the recession and that, who doesn't want to know how to turn there curtains into a handy shoe rack or how to make CD coasters) now offering an iPad (other tablets available) version of there magazine to loyal subscribers and not you. I understand that this is probably more of a logistics issue rather than just because it'll give some bloke in marketing more work to do (and let's face it - nobody that works in marketing is particularly pleasant) but imagine this if you will:

I am marooned on a small island after my RyanAir flight (which i am taking due to aforementioned recession) becomes too heavy as they have started to double up passengers on there planes. Not just normal passengers but fat ones. Americans if you will. Long story short. An American goes to the toilet to freshen up after his KFC bucket and hot wings before having desert (a zinger tower meal) and gets stuck, wedged behind the door unable to retreat. He is there for literally minutes before he starts getting hungry again. Panicking, realising that soon he may be able to start seeing his feet again, he looks around for the first thing that he can grab to stop his famine. Toilet paper, soap, waste bin, toilet seat, before all the remotely loose objects are making there way through his torso. He burps, still hungry he knows that he needs to do something quick. At that, he grabs the wall of the plane and shuvs it into his mouth like a cat eating tuna. Sure enough, he creates a big hole in the side of the plane and gets sucked off to his horrible death straight into the engine. I survive. Obviously, I'm the main character. Only my iPad and a few cigarettes remain of my belongings. I swim ashore, iPad overhead straight onto a desert beach. Everything is sad. Yes. I'm in what many would call paradise away from murderers and Cher Lloyd but I'll never see my loved ones again. Never get to see them laugh or cry. Never get to wake up on a Sunday morning to the birds singing at my window (I live next to a brothel).

Then I remember; my iPad. Of course. Everything will be ok after all. I smile. Quickly opening it up and going to the app store, clicking the search button and typing in 'Q Magazine' only to be greeted by some silly girls fashion magazine. All of a sudden, I feel a cold drip of sweat ripple down my back "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I say. I wish I could swap places with fatty now. I am done!

Get what I mean?

Darren X

Man seeks counselling for sausage addiction

2011-05-29T12:34:00.001+01:00

A British man has become the first to seek therapy for an addiction to sausages.

David Harding has a 13-a-day sausage habit and has reportedly spent almost £2,000 on counselling and hypnosis sessions to help his compulsion.

"I genuinely cannot bear the thought of living without sausages," Harding told The Mirror of his problem. "Drug addicts crave their fix and it's the same for me, except my drug is a banger."

The 47-year-old said that he realised that he had a serious problem when he got mad at the idea of not having sausages for dinner, and decided to seek professional help.

"Apparently I just like sausages, plain and simple," Harding said, after admitting that therapy hasn't helped. "I don't see there is anything wrong with that, but I do think that I have to look at ways to control my urges."

Harding claims to have had at least one sausage every day since the age of five.

The man who stole the leopard

2011-05-20T14:15:00.000+01:00

Would never be Scene dead in that bar

2011-05-20T10:07:00.002+01:00

Scene is the shittest gay bar in Glasgow, if not the UK.

If you drink there, you are scum.

The staff are all rent boys who take nothing but pleasure in offering freebies with a vodka mix. As they are normally, these rent boys are the most hideous, vulgar, dregs of society but yet insist on taking there tops off at almost any occasion to reveal there pale, spotty and overall grotesque bodies which could quite simply be compared to that of the long dead corpse that once belonged to a skinny 12 year old child.

There regulars almost always fit into one of the following categories:

1. Paedo
2. Under age
3. Mentally disabled
4. Pill junkie
5. AID's carrier
6. All of the above (the most popular)

Frankly, it's great that these cretins visit this shit hole as it keeps them off the streets and out of my way. I'm fairly confident that they have a toilet somewhere in the building, yet most of Scene's regulars prefer to use the floor which just adds to amazing aroma of puke, sweat, shit and watered down alcohol, which is unique to the pub and the regulars must enjoy the smell as they are often heard sniffing very loudly from the 'VIP' area. Yes, you heard correct. If 'VIP' areas consist of a pool table, an old pervert, heavy petting and a sticky floor then this is most certainly, a 'VIP' area. Wouldn't you just feel so important?

The pub itself is laughable. The decor just screams "TACKY", just like the staff, and it has never, even when it just opened, looked good. If you're trying to find Scene then look no further than the dark, uninviting doorway which sits amongst the Italian centre. From there, go down about 600 stairs to a place where you can't get a reception on your mobile, a hot date, a good chat or a cold beer. You can however enjoy easy boys with no self respect or shame, terrible customer service delivered to you by an under age prostitute selling shots, unconvincing and unfunny drag queens squeezed into there mums church frock, a bunch of people (see above) that are out there face on amphetamines and have forgotten the basics of the English language and of course, some of that watered down lager we promised you earlier. Mmmmmm.

As I said, shit hole.

Go once just to laugh at how much of a dump it is and get an ego boost from the fact that you're the most handsome person in the building. But visit it quick, it's not likely to see another year. Then once you've visited. Leave and go visit a nice pub with a good atmosphere, instead of one with so much tension you fear you may get your throat slashed.

Tell them Darren sent you.

Twist My Words

2011-05-14T14:29:00.002+01:00

LESTER, FESTER, KID PESTER

2011-05-01T15:24:00.000+01:00

It's just over a month ago since I outed @Lightbringer87 on this site and told nearly 5000 readers (in the space of 24 hours) about who he actually was and to be honest the whole thing very quickly got out of hand... and it was FUCKIN hilarious.

I had 500 tweets in 15 minutes, every one of them telling me just much they enjoyed reading it and people like those fuckin fairies GALE and HOE tweeted me (I still have copies of them) and said that it was awesome and that 'I was the most entertaining person on twitter', hypocritical considering they then went on to tell the person I 'outed' how 'out of order I was'.

What happened afterwards? The retraction, the apology, the silence, etc.

I stand by everything that I said in those two original blog posts. If you read them and know what they said and who they 'outed' then I'm sure you will agree that he/she deserves the title of 'Online sexual predator' and 'Fraud'.

That person made so much of a big deal out of it on twitter and purported to get solicitors etc (Bullshit as they would laugh in his/her face)

They even went to the lengths of getting my old address (which anyone can have I don't exactly hide it) and threaten me.

NOW I'M SORRY, but if you really WERE innocent wouldn't you just drop it and get on with your life? instead you're threatening someone.

I stand by every word i wrote and the reason I've waited until now to bring this whole thing up again is because it's only just died down.

PEOPLE WERE STILL TALKING ABOUT IT ON MY TIME LINE LAST WEEK.

It is by far the funniest thing i have ever used my twitter for yet and is up there with Mrs. Snugglepuss, that Naked picture, the Storm Lee thing, GRINDR hot or not, Bieber or Beaver, TOP OR BOTTOM and it certainly wont be the last thing i post on twitter that will once again concrete the fact that, were you like me or not, i am the most entertaining person on twitter if not a bit of a dickhead.

30 Songs: Part 3

2011-04-11T14:58:00.000+01:00

Song 10. A song that makes you fall asleep.

Song 9. A song that you want to dance to.

Song 8. A song that you know all the words to.

Song 7. A song that reminds you of an event.

Song 6. A song that reminds you of someone.

Song 5. A song that reminds you of somewhere.

Song 4. A song that makes you sad.

Song 3. A song that makes you happy.

Song 2. Your least favourite song.

Song 1. Your favourite song.

30 Songs: Part 2

2011-04-10T14:40:00.006+01:00

Song 20. A song you listen to when you're angry.

Song 19. A song from your favourite ever album.

Song 18. A song that you wish you heard on the radio.

Song 17. A song you often hear on the radio.

Song 16. A song that no one would expect you to love.

Song 15. A song that is a guilty pleasure.

Song 14. A song from a band you hate.

Song 13. A song that you used to love but now can't stand.

Song 12. A song that describes you.

Song 11. A song from your favourite band.

30 Songs: Part 1

2011-04-09T14:39:00.000+01:00

Song 30. Favourite song from this time last year.

29. A song from your childhood.

28. A song that makes you feel guilty.

27. A song you wish you could play.

26. A song that you can play on an instrument.

25. A song that makes you laugh.

24. A song that you want played at your funeral.

23. A song you want played at your wedding.

22. A song you listen to when you're sad.

21. A song you listen to when you're happy.

Doing Me

2011-04-02T15:58:00.001+01:00

I've always been very independent about certain things. The only thing I've ever been happy to be led with is my social life. It had never crossed my mind before my recent singletonness that i didn't really have one out with a relationship. My first boyfriend, Chris took the reigns and whenever the weekend came, we had plans which usually involved his friends etc. This never bothered me. I quite liked being involved in his social circle and most of his mates were alright. I was just told where to be and when and i went. Through this, now in hindsight, i have lost a few of my own friends. It never occurred to me that when he was doing something that i wasn't involved in, i didn't really have anything to do...

Fast forward 4 years later and i find myself single. This is strange. Ever since i came out when i was 15 i always craved the safety and security of a relationship. I used to look at single people and feel sorry for them. I couldn't understand why anyone would want to be single. Now, however, i find myself the happiest i think i have ever been in my life. SINGLE. I have actual no interest in relationships at all. I have been on dates (see previous posts - go on, they're funny as fuck) but only for a laugh and, well, obvious reasons.... Being out and meeting people, having a drink, having my own plans, being able to spontaneously do stuff, chat to hot guys, get there numbers. Its all amazing. Fair enough I've met a few pricks along the way but right now, this very second, i can honestly say that i am the happiest boy in the world.

I am writing this to look back on when I'm low and it might just bring a smile to my face.

PEACE xx

PSYCHO KILLER

2011-04-02T13:59:00.000+01:00

Mom... Who is she?

2011-04-02T08:55:00.002+01:00

Ass or Elbow

2011-03-31T19:02:00.001+01:00

I'm often being told that i wouldn't know my ass from my elbow...

HOW WOULD YOU FAIR?

Click the title to start!

Twitter Bureau of Investigation

2011-03-31T12:47:00.001+01:00

Mistakes

2011-03-30T18:57:00.000+01:00

"Assert your right to make a few mistakes in life. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their own fault."

TWITTER FAKES: Part 2

2011-03-29T20:40:00.005+01:00

You've all been waiting on it...

Here goes. As soon as I started thinking about this yesterday (you may have seen my rant/tweets), it made me really angry. More at myself than anyone. I had trusted, blindly, someone I didn't know. Just completely believed everything that @lightbringer87 tweeted and all his avatars were really him. The more I thought about it, the more annoyed I became. I started to then do some digging....

Firstly, no facebook. No twitpics. No yfrogs. No locational tweets. Nobody on twitter that has ever met him. I could go on... Secondly, did you know there is a website called Tineye.com. It reverses an image search. You upload a picture and it searches the Internet for that same picture elsewhere. Sometimes it doesn't work and it took a couple of goes with the 4 different avatars @lightbringer87 has had over the years (yes, he's only had 4 in nearly 2 years - compared to the average users 20 a year) but then BINGO....

The image was tied to a Greek (yeah I know - it gets better) version of linkedin. Only that and a picture of a harbour. All pretty boring. The username on the profile though was for a Raymond Mitsotakis. I then facebooked the fucker....

I was about to give up then i came across this.

I messaged him saying about @lightbringer87's profile on twitter and he should check it out if he doesn't know him and it wasn't until about 1pm today that Raymond replied. He wasn't too happy. Raymond models and it is the only explaination i was offered. I assume that our faker stole them from some other website that tineye didnt pick up on. I left it at that.

This now confirmed that @lightbringer87 was in actual fact not as we all beleived at all. SO WHO THE FUCK WAS HE?

The search continues.....

PEACE xxx

Twitter fakes

2011-03-29T17:49:00.002+01:00

This is a trend which before now I have been completely oblivious to. Why would someone pretend to be someone else on a social networking site?... It's a question I can't answer, frankly I wouldn't have the time to live my own life as well as someone else's. Each to there own though, the point of this post is to educate everyone, hopefully work out and understand why but most importantly because, let's face it, we all enjoy a good gossip....

It all started on Sunday evening. I was enjoying a drink or two with a fellow tweeter when they enlightened me about someone on twitter who was a supposed fake. This shocked me as I had thought I was quite friendly with this person. I started following this person around a year ago and our first words were flirty ones. It made sense to me as I am, the self proclaimed, biggest flirt on twitter. I went along with it and thought he was a nice guy. From his avatar he was cute and it was evident from other peoples tweets to him that i wasn't the only one who thought so. He told me on several occasions he had family in Glasgow and he visited them a lot and the next time he did we should arrange drinks. The chat continued. Relaxed. Flirty. He never then mentioned once that he wasn't who he said who he was, in fact, when I complemented him on his sallow skin and cuteness he indulged.

This persons name?

Well, he told us it was Aaron Spencer. Or @lightbringer87....

It's only obvious once you know. After I started talking about it on twitter I was joined by a dozen people who had clearly worked it out before I was told.

Now... I'm not the type of person who would easily hear gossip and automatically believe it without questioning it... Or doing my own investigating.

It's AMAZING what google will bring up if you know where to look.

I've got pieces of evidence that proves @lightbringer87 isn't the guy in the picture...

And better than just telling you about my proof. I'm going to show you.

TO BE CONTINUED....

Tattoo ideas

2011-03-26T20:17:00.001Z

Date Blog: 'oh for fuck sake' PART 2

2011-03-20T20:00:00.000Z

As always with these post, they get an extremely large audience of which i am grateful that you can share my misfortune. Please leave your comments below or tweet me @dx_1...

So at this point we are in his car, he gets lost and takes the wrong road meaning we end up in Glasgow. When we are in the car we are talking about loads of random stuff which to be honest he leads. I very rarely get two words in. We stop at ASDA i go in and get some vodka and mixers. We head to 'his' house and he turns on the TV and we look at menus for the local Indians. At this point i feel a bit weird. Do you remember when you were young and had your first ever boyfriend. None of your other friends knew him, your parents had never heard of him nor seen him around the house before now and he was from somewhere quite far out, a place that you had no business having 'friends' in. Whenever he was over at your parents house none of your other friends were and you only ever sat in your room with him and never went out. Then as soon as it was time for him to go, you would both would appear in the living room with noticeably messier hair than 3 hours ago - and we thought our parents didn't know. Eh!. Anyway, it felt like that... Uncomfortable and awkward. I felt 15 again. It was horrible. I felt completely out of character. Even as I'm typing this i don't feel like its me I'm talking about. I'm new to this dating thing but even i knew that this wasn't a date.

We have a couple of drinks and start chatting about the call he made to he in the morning, i embarrass him on purpose by telling him about the 'i love you' he remains that he can't remember any of this. Dinner arrives. I pay and we eat. He sits on the couch opposite. From the looks of it he doesn't seem particularly annoyed by me casually looking at him eat, neither does he eat it funnily as i expected by his insistence to not eat out. We start talking about, guess who, his ex again... He tells me that since his gran has been on holiday for the last 3 months both him and his ex have been living in her house rent free until there mortgage was approved. He tells me that there relationship basically consisted of him coming home from work and saying hi to him then not speaking for the rest of the night. I sympathise with him as i do genuinely believe him. He protests that he and his ex are over and that he went back to him before but never will again. He adds that if he did decide to go back to him then his mum would probably fall out with him as she doesn't like the ex boyfriend. At this point I'm getting quite fed up of hearing about him so i am trying to do everything i can to change the subject. I decide that i should use one of my cheesy lines to get a kiss. This time i opt for 'You owe me a kiss' he doesn't ask from when Instead we kiss. Its nice, although i still feel 15 year old.

The night continues the same way, random chat, the odd link to his ex will pop up every now and then and more kisses. At this point he does begin to get a little touchy. I stop him a few times. (I'm only sharing this as its vital to the story - not boasting)(ok, i was boasting a little) We continue drinking, I notice that he doesn't really look that interested in his vodka. He tells me this is because of his hangover. We watch a film and start to cuddle. All very nice. (Still feel 15).

He tells me that he's too tired and he's going to bed. I agree and tell him that I'll sleep on the couch. The reply was "you're sleeping in with me, shut up" He turns off the TV and we head into the room. We kiss, cuddle and well you get the picture... (still feel 15) Its just after the foreplay, we haven't yet discussed what part we each play in the bedroom. He tells me he is a top. This doesn't work for me much and regardless of how much you say sex doesn't bother you in a relationship, inevitably, it will and roles are a vital part of this. I could imagine that 2 bottoms would be ok because there are things they can buy. Us tops are fucked, well, not literally.

We don't spend much time kissing afterwards when Jamie then tells me he is too tired and we can continue in the morning when we both wake up. Not happy with that i pretend i am anyway and roll over. Its at this point that i remember 3 things, I don't sleep well when I'm horny, I don't sleep well when I'm drunk and I don't sleep well when I'm in a strange bed. It was long night... Without going into too much detail we were both naked (his idea) (still feel 15) this just makes matters worse.

I get about 13 minutes sleep the whole night and I'm bright as a button by 8am. I fidget that much that he wakes up. I start kissing him. He doesn't kiss back. He picks up his phone and proceeds to do facebook shit for the next 45 minutes before telling me that he needs to go do some course work that morning and getting up out bed and putting clothes on.... I'M LIVID. Now lets just stop for a second and go back. You can tell me if I'm being unfair.

His idea for me to come over.
His idea for me to buy vodka.
His idea to sleep in the same bed.
His idea to sleep naked.
His idea to have foreplay.
His idea to continue in the morning.

Am i being really unreasonable or whatever or have i got a right to be annoyed? I get my clothes on, he drives me back home. He tells me that he is going to do his course work and then go out that night with some mates that evening and seems pretty chirpy in the car. He tells me that he enjoyed the evening. When i leave the car he tells me that he will text me.

Rather than hang around, i text him, it read:

'not 100% sure what happened. I enjoyed my night (lies)'

He then replied:

'i just get the impression all you wanted was sex xx'

NOW HOLD ON A MOTHERFUCKIN' MINUTE. I wasn't going to text back and tell him how indeed it was the other way around. Instead i went with the more subtle:

'You know that's not the case, would i really have spend the last week flirting with you if that's all i wanted'

His reply was:

'dunno, it doesn't matter anyway'

I text him again further defending myself telling him that now i feel like a dick because I've made him feel uncomfortable, Lies. I don't feel like a dick at all... I feel like a Muppet for going all the way through to his grans. I add at the bottom of the text that it doesn't really matter anyway as i can't change it and that nevertheless i did enjoy my night. He texts back:

'you're a nice guy xx'

ARE YOU FUCKIN' KIDDEN ME? Nice guy... That's it? I text him back:

'...But'

He replied:

'dunno... maybe just too soon'

I haven't and probably won't text back. I need to get away from these queens that are clearly still infatuated with there ex boyfriends. I just can't understand what went wrong here either... It's actually getting to the stage were it is funny. I must be such a bad person that none of these guys want to come near me again. Weird.

Lets face it, its either the fact that we are both tops, he still loves his ex or that he is clinical insane. I'm going for a mixture of all three.

Anyway, i will not stop searching. I know there must be a decent guy in Glasgow somewhere.

PEACE x

Date Blog: 'oh for fuck sake'

2011-03-20T17:40:00.001Z

Dear readers, as you will know from my previous ramblings on here my dating experiences haven't gone too well since a recent break up. After the disaster of my previous date i decided to give it another go. The following post will enlighten you as to how this went. Beforehand however, i would like to make it clear that if i ever find myself on a date that ends remotely well, i may not feel the need to blog about it. Until such times....................

An hour after submitting my previous 'The Best/Worst Date of my Life: Part 2' post, i find myself out with mates in a local bar. Feeling high as this post had generated some 500 views in an hour plus the fact that i was now off work for a week, the drink was going down like water. I was in a great mood. We visit a few gay bars in Glasgow. Nothing particularly attention grabbing in any of them. As we move from bar to bar for various reasons ranging from flat pints to abusive, fat, karaoke-hogging lesbians i can feel the definite effects of alcohol. Before we know it, its closing time at the bar we are in and we are offered free passes to the local tramp spot 'Bennets' which we indubitably except as we feel that our night out has yet peaked. We reach the bar at the worst gay club in the UK and order a few drinks, we down these and then plan to leave. As we do we get chatting to a group of girls outside. They mention that they are in with there gay friend who has just split with his boyfriend. Said friend then comes over and starts chatting away. He's a cute, blonde, fresh faced young guy. Very bubbly and funny - a bit camp but not enough to put me off. Lets face it. By this point i am wrecked and i am hardly Casanova, in fact i am surprised that i even had his attention at all.

We go into the club again since our new 'friends' had made the evening somewhat more exciting. I'm up dancing. I say dancing. That is me being very generous to myself. We chat away, no idea what i told the guy. He told me about his ex and how he was only just out of a 2 year relationship in which he was bullied and had no confidence. At the time didnt really think about this but in hindsight he was the one that started speaking to me... The dancing continues, i buy a few drinks, we talk more, he tells me a few more things about him and his ex, how his ex made him get a tattoo of his name on his body to prove how committed to him he was. My immediate though was that he was a bit nuts but who am i to judge, really. He tells me that him and his ex were going to get a mortgage for a house together before they split and it was the pressure from this that then meant the relationship ended.

The music stops and we all leave. As we walk round to the chip shop (this is law after the dancing) he seems quieter and a bit strange suddenly. They all go in and get there food and meet me back outside. By this point he is starting to be a bit more talkative again. He offers me to come stay at his house, i decline, i then phone 2 taxis. We exchange numbers. He tells me his name is 'Jamie' and that i should text him later. We both get our taxis and exchange texts on the way home. Nothing too heavy just, enjoyed my night, lets meet up soon etc... I don't know why but i proceed to call him when i get in the house. To be honest i have no idea how the conversation went. All I can remember is calling him a 'Little cunt'. As i said, Casanova.

I wake up and text him 'good morning' no reply for a few hours. Then i get a text saying something like 'KILL ME NOW'. We exchange texts throughout the day. I add him to facebook and get a swatch at his photos to make sure i didn't have my beer goggles on. Thankfully, i didn't. All i can remember is that he had an amazing smile. One of those smiles that could make you smile. I get the idea that he's not really into me as his texts become quite short and unimaginative. The obligatory "LOL xx" etc... I ease off and decide just to leave it. I then get a text a few hours later asking what i'm up to. This i assume means that he just isn't a texty person and the short text before hand were an output of this. We keep texting, i ask him when i can take him out for some dinner. He tells me that he is free the next two nights. I ask him where he would like to go, i get told that he doesn't like eating in front of people, he can't read fancy menus and eating out isn't really his thing. I take the hint and again back off.

We continue to text throughout Monday, Tuesday... The date doesn't materialise and i assume that it never will. We speak on the phone on Wednesday night for about 30 minutes. He tells me that he is in a mates and can't really speak. Afterwards he tells me that his mate has just started seeing this guy who is extremely wealthy, he tells me that his friend is 18 and his boyfriend is 42. He drives a Lamborghini has a big house etc. I then get asked sort of playfully how much i earn. I don't answer of course but it does stick in my mind that he is maybe just after a sugar daddy and not actually interested in me. For the rest of the evening the chat remains pretty soft.

The next day he tells me he will phone me after work. When he does his voice sounds different to how i remember it sort of husky. He is funny and just as chatty as i remember. We speak for just under 3 hours and talk about all sorts of shit. I'm surprised by how much he continues to talk about his ex boyfriend. Enough so that i ask him is he still has feelings for him. He tells me that he hates him for being a bully and feels like he spent the last 2 years in a relationship that was completely meaningless and he felt like he couldnt get anyone else and that is the reason he said with him. He also tells me that he had cheated on said ex and it is for this reason that he was asked to prove his commitment by getting a tattoo of his name. He tells me that he works as a nurse and does in fact earn a great deal of money, enough so that he decided to take him and his ex away abroad for his birthday. It is towards the end of this call that he tells me that he would like to meet me. We arrange that we should go out for dinner that weekend. He seems excited and he even goes as far to say that i am the first guy that has made him laugh in years and that he's enjoying speaking to me. I enjoy speaking to him. Its strange because i feel like i know him really well even although i've just met him.

It's friday night and i decide not to go to the pub as my date the next day. Jamie and I continue to text throughout the day as normal. We start talking about Saturday and the plan for where we would meet etc. We had decided that we would go have dinner in glasgow and then go for a few drinks afterwards. He then decided that instead of going for drinks we should just go to his house and have drinks after as town was too expensive. Thinking that i could always get a taxi home if its going tits up anyway, i should just go for it. We continue texting about silly stuff then around 5pm the texts stop. Its about 10pm before i hear from him again. The first text reads that his battery died. Then the second, rather strangely says:

'Shall we get a hotel for tomorrow? xx'

Confused by this i tell him that i would feel weird doing that as I'm not just looking for sex and he then tells me just to forget it and stick to original plan. Still confused, i ask why he asked about the hotel. He tells me that its not his flat we would be going to, its his grans, she is on holiday and he's house sitting. He was worried about bring people back as he doesn't know me. I tell him that i was only going to 'his' because he invited me and that otherwise i would be quite happy to have a few drinks in glasgow then go home. He tells me its ok and that we should still go to 'his' flat.

I go to sleep at around 1am. At 3.45am i get a call from him which i ignore. I then get another call. I text him saying 'Its late, i'll phone you tomorrow x'. He phones again. This time i answer. Within the first few words i know how drunk he is. He tells me that its the drunkest he has ever been and asks if i want to come over and he will pay my taxi. I tell him no. He then says 'love you' and hangs up. I find this cute as he's drunk and whatever and think nothing else of it.

I wake up the next day and send him a text. I also try calling him a few times in the hope of waking him up as pay back. His phone rings out. Around 12pm he calls me and tells me that he has the hangover from hell. He says that he can't remember calling me or about the hotel. We both laugh, he says that he is embarrassed. I tell him not too worry that i find it cute. He tells me that he hates the fact that he is so hungover. He asks me if i want to cancel the table and we can get a take away at 'his' instead. I agree (have no idea why) and he comes to pick me up a few hours later.......

(TO BE CONTINUED)

STILL TO COME... Take away, Laughs, Drinks, it all goes tits up and NO FUCKIN' SECOND DATE!!!

Its only fair: TOP OR BOTTOM

2011-03-20T16:22:00.003Z

I've done it with all you...

Its only fair you get to do one for me back...

@DX_1

TOP OR BOTTOM Vote above.

Twitter: TOP or BOTTOM's

2011-03-20T14:10:00.003Z

Its all fair and well with celebrities... It's a bit harder to judge when its REAL people just in every day life...

What about people from twitter?

Do you think the following as top or bottom?

(I've changed the voting thing cause it was shit)

@jake279