No Hands But Ours: the blog

Adoption Tax Credit for 2011

2012-01-27T09:53:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has adopted should know about the Adoption Tax Credit. It's a huge blessing for adopting families to recoup a portion of expenses when adopting a child. But if you're most of us, that's about where your knowledge ends.

Internet to the rescue.

With tax season upon us, here are some links to help you maximize your credit, and minimize the effort.

Ask the Adoption Law Expert - by Adoptive Families Magazine
The Future of the Adoption Tax Credit in 2011, 2012, 2013 & Beyond - by Creating A Family
Adoption Tax Credit: For Families - by Jackson Hewitt and the Dave Thomas Foundation
Adoption Tax Credit - free webinar! by Adoption Learning Partners Adoption
Claiming the Federal Adoption Tax Credit for 2011 - North American Council on Adoptable Children
Adoptive Parents: Don't Delay Your Adoption Credit Refund - by the IRS
Six Things to Know About the Expanded Adoption Tax Credit - by the IRS
Qualified Adoption Expenses - by the IRS

The numbers below reflect the total Adoption Tax Credit amounts. Note that only in 2010 and 2011 are these amounts refundable, which means that the refund is received in a lump sum. This was a huge surprise to many of us last tax season when we learned that our refund was going to be significantly larger than anticipated. But the IRS insisted on auditing many adoptive families, so it is wise to make sure you have all your receipts and documentation of expenses organized and ready to go before you file for 2011. According to the IRS website, "Taxpayers may also be asked, after filing their returns, to substantiate any qualified adoption expenses they paid."

2013: $5,000 or $6,000 for a special needs child (projected)
2012: at least $12,170 (will be indexed for inflation), non-refundable
2011: $13,360 (will be indexed for inflation), refundable
2010: $13,170, refundable
2009: $12,150, non-refundable
2008: $11,650, non-refundable
2007: $11,390, non-refundable
2006: $10,960, non-refundable

Adoption Tax Credit Amount Source: William Perez - about.com

If you have any sites or tips to share for this tax season, please do. I know that many of us learned way more about taxes than we wanted to last year when the vast majority of refunds were being withheld due to audits.

CHD: Single Ventricle Heart (Probably more than you wanted to know!)

2012-01-21T19:54:00.000-08:00

I had a reader* (on my family blog) ask a question the other day that I figured some others may be wondering. I also think answering it could potentially help educate others about single ventricle heart disease, and education is POWER and could mean another child going from orphan to a son or daughter. So here goes.

Way back in March, a team of volunteers from Love Without Boundaries traveled to Guizhou Province and visited several orphanages. In one of those orphanages, they found a little baby girl who was not doing well and who appeared to have heart disease, which was apparent in her blue-tinged lips and other signs I'm assuming involving her breathing and possibly her fingers and toes (clubbing). By April, LWB was given permission to seek evaluation and possible treatment for this now 14-month-old baby girl in Shanghai. They also in April pleaded with supporters for funding for several children including a little girl they had given the name Keely. Within weeks, this little baby girl was receiving a much-needed, open-heart surgery in Shanghai. I wish I could share a face*book post link, but if there is a way I haven't figured it out! Anyway, LWB posted many updates on their face*book page about the little girl they call Keely when she was in Shanghai receiving surgery for her heart

She received what is more commonly called a glenn shunt. This link is a very layman's terms description of the Glenn shunt. It has pictures. If you are really adventurous, I have found youtube videos of the operation and I'll be honest: I have watched them and find them absolutely amazing and fascinating. The Prez thinks I'm a bit off, but I really found watching them helped me understand it a lot better and to see a surgeon working with such a tiny heart—amazing and miraculous.

**If you would like to see the link, I do have it posted on my family blog. I do not have it posted here because it is graphic. I just want to be careful and not offend! I find it fascinating and informational, but I realize others may not. You can also google you*tube and glenn shunt to find it if interested.**

After the Glenn shunt in early May, this baby girl was now receiving more richly oxygenated blood to her head and upper body. Still, the lower half of her body and lower limbs are still receiving very blue (oxygen-poor) blood. She needs another surgery, which is called the fontan in order to COMPLETE the fontan circulation.

To answer Trish's question, yes, LWB provided her with a much-needed and life-saving surgery, but she needs another surgery. She needs the full fontan circulation completed. This surgery she had in Shanghai though not only gave her a better chance for the full fontan circulation to be completed, it greatly improved her quality of life and her chances of being adopted. If I'm being completely honest, the Prez and I found a huge amount of relief and peace in knowing she was given such an incredible gift and chance. Our first daughter didn't receive this surgery and time took its toll on her little heart as she waited and FOUGHT to live. I still get totally overwhelmed when I think of what our Li'l Miss ENDURED. We watched her coming home video again today and I have a snippet of video with her labored breathing ... every single time I am overcome when I remember seeing her suffering like that. NO CHILD should have to suffer like that.

Our little girl, who is the same little girl known as Keely with Love Without Boundaries and who we will meet in 15 DAYS!, has single-ventricle cardiac disease just like our Li'l Miss has. Well, their defects are somewhat different but ultimately they both were born with one formed ventricle instead of two, and both needed the fontan in order to live the most full life possible with current medical advances. There is no cure or heart repair for single ventricle disease, but the glenn shunt and hopefully following that the fontan will give our waiting daughter the chance to lead a full life. She also has been diagnosed with dextrocardia, which by itself can by a totally non-issue, but with a complex defect such as single ventricle it certainly complicates matters. We are also unsure of possible other defects because we have received some conflicting information. Rather than pursue a lot of clarification, we decided to move forward because clarification was not going to change our decision to pursue her adoption nor was it going to significantly affect the fact that we will not know her surgical options until she is home and can be evaluated by a cardiologist and particularly through cardiac catheterization.

This page from Cincinatti Children's Hospital is one that I find extremely helpful for a laymen like me to understand our daughter's heart defects. You can click through and read about treatment options and various considerations.

Trisha also wondered why the urgency if our daughter already received life-saving surgery and if she is "doing well" as was stated recently on a post about her. While she is doing well right now, ideally she needs the fontan circulation to be completed (the lower vena cava to be rerouted to bypass the pumping chambers of the heart and flow directly by pressure into the lungs) and for it to be done sooner than later. While neither of these operations is considered curative, the optimum outcome for her would be a completed fontan circulation.

It is important I think to note here that the fontan operation is a last resort. It is not optimum, but it is what is available to better a child's life and give them a chance to live a life without being on oxygen hopefully and to experience everyday things that many of us take for granted. But ultimately, the fontan bypasses the pumping chambers of the heart because the defects are so complex that this is BETTER than allowing the blood to flow through the heart. I still have a drawing our amazing Dr. B, the surgeon who performed Li'l Miss's fontan and who will perform Li'l Bit's as well God willing she is operable, gave us as he explained in a way we could understand exactly what it was he would be doing to our Li'l Miss's heart. I saved it for her to have someday. I will never forget sitting in her hospital room that night, the night before he would operate on her heart, and hearing him tell us the risks, him having to ask us to sign the consent and his obvious grace toward us in that moment, and ultimately him saying as he stood, "It is in the hands of her Maker." Yes it is. Even today, that is it. Our Li'l Bit's heart is in the hands of her Maker.

On that same page from Cincinatti Children's Heart Encyclopedia, you can read this:

For a heart with a Fontan reconstruction to work well, there are a few crucial features that must be maintained. These key factors must be kept in mind when planning the medical or surgical management of children with single ventricle defects from the first day of life onward.

The single ventricle must not be overworked for a long period of time, in terms of either having to pump too much blood or pump at too high a pressure.

The pulmonary arteries must grow well without stenosis (narrowing) and must remain low resistance (or be very relaxed). If the pulmonary arteries are narrow or if the resistance in these vessels is high, blood will not be able to flow into them without a pump, so the Fontan will not be successful.

Lastly, leaky or tight valves may adversely affect the function of the ventricle or the flow of blood to the lungs.

I bolded the parts above because this information is crucial to understanding why the urgency and also why what LWB and its supporters provided is so amazing. Not only did the shunt operation she had done buy time so to speak, but it GREATLY INCREASES her chances for a successful and complete fontan circulation by hopefully protecting her lungs and pulmonary arteries from high pressures that could make a fontan impossible.

We know personally how NOT getting the glenn shunt adversely affects a child. We saw with our own eyes how sick our older daughter was. She was 35 months old and never received the glenn shunt which our Li'l Bit has had done thanks to LWB and its supporters.

As far as the urgency it is mult-faceted. The ideal time for completing the fontan is two to three years of age. Not only that, the longer our daughter waits for the full palliation, the more chance she could become ill and not be able to fight it and also the more chance her heart is being overworked (and could be enlarged), and finally the more chance irreversible damage is being done to her lungs and/or pulmonary arteries.

This is an excerpt from the Cincinatti Children's page:

The third and final stage in the reconstruction of a single ventricle heart defect is the Fontan completion operation. This operation is usually performed at 2 or 3 years of age, based on the child's size and clinical status.

On that note, the optimum time for a child in the US to receive the hemi-fontan, or glenn shunt, is by six months of age. Our daughter received it at 14 months of age. We don't know what happened with her heart and lungs and pulmonary arteries while she waited so long. What we do know is that she survived for all of that time, that she made it through the surgery and that she is doing well right now.

I also want to add that children with single ventricle heart disease are very susceptible to infections, to *regular* childhood illnesses being much more serious for them, to the lack of oxygen causing secondary problems such as poor brain development, learning disabilities, damage to the lungs which could be irreversible. While the surgery LWB provided most likely improved our daughter's oxygenation from the 40s or 50s to the 70s or 80s, this is still not ideal. A normal heart will function in such a way that the body will receive blood with an oxygen saturation of 99% or better. So, 80% oxygen saturation is certainly better than 40 or 50% saturation, but is not something ideal for the long term. It is very possible our daughter could live with just a hemi-fontan and at 70-80% oxygen saturation, but we are hopeful that she can receive the completed fontan circulation and hopefully 95% or better oxygen saturation. For reference, Li'l Miss had oxygen saturation of 40% when she came home and 70-80% after her complete fontan repair. However, due to her case of having no partial fontan done, her surgeon felt it necessary to leave a fenestration (a type of pop-off valve if you will to allow pressure releases) in her heart. About a year after her fontan operation, the fenestration was closed surgically in the cath lab. Since that time, Li'l Miss has held steady with oxygen saturation of 96-99%.

I want to touch on something I am often asked about: life expectancy. I copied this from that Cincinatti Children's page as well because it explains what we know so well (and also a lot of what we just don't know):

After a successful Fontan surgery, the reconstructed single ventricle heart has achieved its maximal efficiency in terms of ventricular work and near normal oxygen levels, but its capacity for work will usually not match that of a normal heart when examined using sophisticated testing.

The limitations children experience due to their heart defect, though, can vary greatly. At one end of the spectrum there are children with Fontan circulations who have participated in competitive sports such as swimming and gymnastics.

Other children may have significant limitation in their capacity for exercise. Most children fall somewhere in between the extremes.

Most children are on a blood thinner called coumadin after their Fontan to prevent clots from forming in the Fontan circuit. When a child is on a blood thinner, you must take extra careful to avoid falls or head trauma as they are at increased risk for internal bleeding.

How long a heart with a single ventricle reconstruction can function is not known. The first children to have a successful Fontan operation are just now 30 years old and many improvements in surgical technique and medical management have occurred over this time period.

Late complications including irregular rhythms and heart failure may occur. Some speculate that most single ventricle hearts will not function efficiently beyond 30 to 40 years, but improvements in surgical technique and medical care may increase this age significantly. In some cases, if the ventricular function deteriorates significantly, heart transplantation may be considered. Because of the possibility of late complications in patients with single ventricle anamoly, continued regular follow-up with a cardiologist for the life of a patient is essential.

So in all honesty, we don't know how long our little girls born with single ventricle disease will live. But who of us does know? What we do know is that they are amazing people and they deserve every good thing life has to offer, including a forever family. We also know our Li'l Miss has brought great joy and love to our family and occupies a place in our hearts that we never knew needed filing, and we don't doubt our Li'l Bit will do the same.

We hope she is able to have the completed fontan circulation. We hope in the Lord ultimately for her future. He is the only Hope we have.

*I am cross-posting this from my blog. There are so many children who wait with single ventricle heart disease. I hope by sharing more, others will come to a place of feeling led to take that leap and bring one of these amazing children home. In that regard, please email me (cljjs (at) yahoo (dot) com) or leave a comment if you know of children who wait with single ventricle heart disease. I'd love to advocate for them.

next shared list

2012-01-16T08:40:00.000-08:00

The next shared list is set to be released on Tuesday, January 17th... before Chinese New Year! And that's wonderful news for all those families out there who are waiting!

Congratulations to all families in the Special Needs program, whether you find your child on shared list, the Special Focus list or an individual agency list... it's always wonderful when children find their forever family!

If you have recently been matched with your special needs child, please feel free to share your news. We'd love to hear about your new little one!

What we're reading Wednesday: links

2012-01-11T05:11:00.000-08:00

From the last few weeks, some good stuff we've read that relates to adoption from China and/or parenting a special needs child from China.

As always, if you are a traveling family, or have posted something, or read something, that you'd like to share here on No Hands But Ours, please let us know at nohandsbutours@gmail.com.

From the news:

From the Nanfang Insider, a heart-breaking story of a 3-year HIV+ old boy, who was abandoned at birth and found to be HIV+ a year later. He was separated from the other children and now lives a life of solitude, with hopes of being adopted one day.

In China, a daring few challenge one-child limit (APNews) by Alexa Olesen who tells the stories of several families in China who are trying to change the one-child policy. One desperate mother shares, "I don't think I've committed any crime. A crime is something that hurts other people or society or that infringes on other people's rights. I don't think having a baby is any kind of crime."

Amy and Benjamin Root adopted baby Maisy from China with a special need of hairy nevus birthmark. They just celebrated the one year anniversary of the life-saving surgery she underwent to remove the potentially cancerous mark - and she has made an amazing recovery.

And an article from The Washington Post about Guangzhou, the stopping place for all adoptive families before they exit China. Lots to learn about this beautiful city, the third largest in all of China.

From the bloggy world:

Sara, who blogs at Football and Fried Rice, just came home with her second little one from China. And she shares what it really looks like when you get home from an adoption trip.

Our very own Wife of the Prez shares about her littlest guy, and his new BAHA hearing aid. Adopted from China with a heart defect and cleft lip and palate, his hearing deficiency was an unknown need... but with the help of his BAHA, he can now hear in both ears.

Rachel, who blogs at Kittens and Ladybugs, recounts her new son Jaidin's recent cleft lip and palate surgery - just weeks after coming home from China.

Maia, who blogs at Une Envie de Sel, recently shared a very profound conversation with daughter Q, who came home from China with cleft lip and palate.

Kelley, who blogs at Gazing Upward, recently celebrated six months home and a major breakthrough with her daughter, Caroline LiYun, 13.

Our beloved Tonggu Momma answers some very pointed questions in her post "Am I Angry?" regarding her new daughter, Squirt, and her recent medical scares. Although Squirt came home as a non-special needs child, she has since suffered from several unexplained seizures.

Branda, who blogs at Days Made of Now, shares a red-letter day in the life of parenting a child who was adopted as an 'older child'. Her daughter, ManYu, has made a big step in accepting her new family, and calls her mamma for the very first time.

Liz, who blogs at Learning Patience, recently came home with two little ones from China. She offers up her candid thoughts for anyone considering adopting two children at once.

Traveling Families:

And lastly, if you're like all of us around here, you'll want to take a few moments (or hours!) and travel vicariously with these families currently in China to bring home their kids.

An Anniversary, a Hope, and a Video

2012-01-07T10:46:00.000-08:00

It's been nearly two years since our youngest daughter had her last shot of PEG Interferon. Two years since we happily bid farewell to the sharps container and the alcohol wipes. Two years since we left behind the marathon naps and achy tummy and bloody noses. And two years since we learned that our daughter no longer tested positive for Hepatitis B.

Which brings me to the hope part of this anniversary. When our daughter began PEG, it was not approved for pediatric use with Hep B. Another type of interferon, Intron-A, had been used for many years with children, but not PEG, the extended release version of interferon that took the number of shots down from three times a week to only once a week. Although the convenience was a factor, the biggest reason we pushed for PEG was that our daughter's doctor felt that it might have a slight edge over Intron-A in achieving success. If we were going to spend a year doing shots, a year getting weekly blood tests; if we were going to inject our little girl with something that would make her feel sick, we wanted the very best stuff we could get our hands on. As it turned out, getting that PEG delivered to our door wasn't so easy. Because it wasn't FDA approved for Hep B, our insurance company said they wouldn't pay for it. Our doctor wasn't surprised and wrote a long letter explaining why our daughter's situation was unique and why she felt PEG was her best bet. The insurance company wouldn't budge. I looked into purchasing the PEG out-of-pocket. It would be $1,000.00 per shot, once a week, for a year. In addition, there would be the fees for the regular lab work, and unbeknownst to us at the time, another $700 per shot medication she would need sometimes up to 3 times a week to counteract some of the detrimental effects of the PEG. Out-of-pocket wasn't going to work. So I gathered all the information I could. In the dark den, illuminated by the glow of the computer screen, I spent many late nights taking notes on adult Hep B usage of PEG or on the safety of PEG used in pediatric cancer patients. I sent all the information to the insurance company and filed an appeal.

With the appeal process, the insurance company sends the patient's information, and anything else the family wants to include, to another specialist in that field, one of their own choosing, and the decision is in the hands of the doctor. Within a week, I heard that our insurance company's decision had been overruled and that a refrigerated package of PEG would be arriving on our doorstep whenever we wanted it. I happily paid the monthly $35 copay.

And now, in small part due to my daughter's success, doctors at major hospitals on the East and West coasts are recruiting children with Hep B for a research trial of PEG interferon. They plan to combine it with an oral antiviral, hoping that the lowered viral load will give the PEG the edge that it needs to wipe out the virus. I don't envy those parents or children the year of treatment. It's not fun. But I do hope and pray that when they pick up lab results at the end of that year, in the column where it says: Hep B Surface Antigen, next to it will be the blessed word NEGATIVE.

In honor of this anniversary, I wanted to re-post my little girl's video. She was 4 years old when she told her story. She sounds so babyish compared to her current 6 year-old self, but at the same time, I'm impressed with her maturity and strength. Always have been.

welcome to Nicole Chryst

2012-01-06T12:23:00.000-08:00

I am excited to introduce our newest member of the No Hands But Ours team, Nicole Chryst. She is the mom of three, one from China with cleft lip and palate and, well, let me let her tell you herself...

___________________________________________________________________

I am so thrilled to be joining the No Hands But Ours guest blogger team! My name is Nicole Chryst and just like you, I wear many hats. I am a wife to an amazing man who always pushes me to go after my dreams and supports me in every way. We’ve grown so much together in our faith & life, and I think I’m in love with him more today than I was when we got married 8 years ago! I am also a mama to 3 special kiddos who are everything to me - 2 biological and 1 recently adopted from China. Peyton is 6 1/2 and is a smart and caring 1st grader who loves God. Ryan is 4, an adorably sweet & sensitive little guy who I’ve nicknamed “lovebug.”

Brooklyn is our 19 month old little firecracker who we brought home from China through the special needs program - she had a diagnosed un-repaired cleft lip & palate and undiagnosed physical delays. She’s been home for 7 months now and has undergone 2 lip repair surgeries and more physical therapy sessions than I can count. We have a palate repair scheduled for February, and then she has a surgery break for a few years. Although at that point, speech therapy and possibly occupational therapy will begin. She’s been through a lot, but has blossomed into a wonderfully spunky, sunshiny, fun baby girl that is so full of life; and we’re completely in love with her! We feel so blessed that God led us down this path of adoption - although it's been difficult at times, we have grown and stretched so much and learned to feel a love we didn’t know before. What an amazing journey!

When I am not doing the wife & mama thing, I am a professional newborn photographer and pretty much adore my “job.” I have had a few careers during my life but I really think I’ve found my calling with portraiture. I love to read (although never seem to find enough time) and I also enjoy blogging about our life on my personal blog and am excited to share a little bit of that with the NHBO readers! I am, by no means, an expert on anything ... but I hope and pray that my perspective of Brooklyn’s adoption and special needs will help some of you!

-nicole :-)

Website: http://www.nicolereneeportraits.com

Blog: http://www.nicolereneephoto.blogspot.com

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/nicolereneephoto

Personal Blog: http://www.chrystfamily.com

Mankind is our business~

2012-01-01T07:00:00.000-08:00

Well Happy New Year! I don't know about you all, but I'm plumb dumb excited to jump into 2012 and see what the Lord has for us all! 2011 proved to be difficult in many ways for us and though we walked a road we didn't choose, we can look back and see the hand of God moving in our midst. I trust it will be no different this year.

My family has a long standing tradition that we all just adore. We live pretty close to a big city and each year, "A Christmas Carol" runs at the downtown theater from Thanksgiving till Christmas Eve. I can't tell you how many times we've all been. How we love this play! And the actors are simply phenomenal. Most return year after year to their roles. I absolutely love it. I picked up my old copy of it this Christmas to read too.

Each year, I walk away with more gratitude than the year before; and with deeper conviction. Have you ever noticed how these two are bed fellows?

Gratitude and conviction.

They go together like peas and carrots.

We weren't even supposed to see the play this year. Honestly, it's $44 a person and well, we have a baby boy in China to find and bring home. So even though I adore it, "A Christmas Carol" took a backseat in my financial plans. Usually, when times are good, my mom and dad treat us all {siblings, kids, friends} to a December evening at the theater. But money is tight all around and I told my dad to just do for he and mom. We could skip a year...no worries.

But I had a text waiting for me a few weeks ago after church. My dad said to call him asap. He told me that my mom was feeling bad and couldn't go to see the play with he and my siblings. A friend had also backed out at the last minute. My husband is a staff pastor {youth/education} at our church and had a million responsibilities that afternoon. So, I snagged my nine year old and we headed south to the big city.

Literally five minutes before exiting to the theater, my sister calls and said that the tickets were for last night.

$500 worth of tickets for last night.

I thought my dad may cry. But he went in to the ticket counter and they gladly placed us in other seats. We didn't sit all together like usual since the show was nearly sold out. But hey, we were in the theater!

The entire time, I sat there with a lump in my throat. Gratitude and conviction swirling in my head. Realizing that I had been placed in that chair for that day to hear those words being spoken to me. Sometimes you wonder, when unexpected things come your way if maybe you should stay the course because you're under fire or if you should simply relent because surely you are not on the right path. I wondered if there were some reason that all of these things, these details had come together so that I could be sitting in that theater. Church that morning had been rather emotional for me as we had been out of town the week before and this was the first time I had been to worship since Seth died. But there I was nonetheless watching the play unfold and entertaining these two beautiful and constant companions, gratitude and conviction. Gratitude for the countless blessings in my life and the undeniable peace we have felt in the midst of current storms. Conviction that so many others can't say the same. That people are wondering around with little, if any, hope to carry them. Children needing parents, parents needing to find a way to feed their babies or keep a roof over their head.

I could just about recite this play. I know when the best parts are and when the scary ones happen that I need to hold my baby's hand. I remember which songs they sing and when they come during the play. I love everything about it. It's familiar.

But this year, this afternoon, I saw it in a new way. I mean, I have always understood the meaning of "A Christmas Carol". I had just never been mourning during it. I've never been hurting when it rolls around. Sadness has not marked a Christmas for me like it has of late. And all I could think of was, to me, the most profound piece of the play.

You all know the story. Just after the onset, Marley's ghost visits Scrooge and they have a haunting conversation. It comes to a head like this,

'But you were always a good man of business, Jacob,' faltered Scrooge, who now began to apply this to himself.

'Business!' cried the Ghost, wringing its hands again. 'Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were, all, my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!'

Isn't that so powerful? And this year, sitting in a packed theater with my sister on my left and my Sydney baby on the right, my thoughts drifted to China. And our Seth who now lives in Heaven. And the countless others who are left waiting for families and security and love. These beautiful, made in the image of God, children...who are our business.

Our attorney, who recently finalized 18 adoptions in just two days, said to me last Wednesday, "Kam, there is no shortage of orphans in this world." How depressing and true that statement is.

Are you like me?

I have so much that vies for my time and affection. So many things that steal my focus. Trinkets worth nothing that I selfishly place value on. Oh, that I; that we; would see the need to have a different perspective. That we would be awakened. That our hearts would be redeemed as Scrooge's was. May 2012 be a year that we would rise up and change the lives of the fatherless.

Because my friends, mankind IS our business. And business is booming.

next shared list

2011-12-20T20:25:00.000-08:00

... is being released tonight, December 20th.

What an amazing Christmas this just might be for many waiting families.

Congratulations to all families in the Special Needs program, whether you find your child on shared list, the Special Focus list or an individual agency list... it's always wonderful when children find their forever family!

The Undiagnosed Special Need

2011-12-20T07:30:00.000-08:00

Well, out little Bing is home, and has been for the past three weeks or so. And he is doing great (at least with me).

HI! I'm HOME! And I'm CUTE!

For those who follow our Forever Family blog, you will know that Bing as some Special Needs.

When we got his referral, it stated that he did have Spinabifida. I know I've talked about Spinabifida time and time again, so I'm not going to cover it here.

Then, we found out two weeks before my Wife travelled to China to bring Bing home, that Bing had been diagnosed with another Special Need - Vitiligo. Which can be a minor cosmetic need, or a more severe auto-immune or thyroid condition. Again, I think I've covered Vitiligo a few times, so I'm going to move onto the 'Undiagnosed Special Need'

This 'Undiagnosed Special Need' is a rather bad one as well. It affects not only our little Bing, but the whole family. Not just our family, but it can affect almost everyone he has known. And in fact, there is no medicine to help, no surgical option and no guarantee that he will ever recover from it. And it is also the reason this post is a little late today... because I was dealing with it last night.

What is it? Keep reading.

Friend: So how are things settling down with Bing?
Me: Oh good. Better than expected.
Friend: So he has stopped hitting your wife and likes her now?
Me: I wouldn't say that. He gets along better with her.
Friend: Hummmm... I wonder why.
Me: Yea, I'm not sure...

Wife: WHY IS HE CRYING?
Me: I DON'T KNOW! LET ME TRY TO ASK HIM!
*I turn to the 'Screaming Wonder'(tm)*Me: WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!
Wife: ASK HIM IN CHINESE!
Me: Oh, right. 为什么你哭了？
Bing: 我的妈妈回来！
Me: He wants his Mom to come get him.
Wife: WHAT?!
Me: HE WANTS HIS MOM!
Wife: I AM HIS MOM!
Me: HIS OTHER MOM! THE ONE HE KNEW HIS WHOLE LIFE. HIS FOSTER MOM! BOY CAN HE EVER CRY LOUD!
Wife: WHAT?

Me: Yea, can't figure it out. I wish he would give me a clue or something.

Me: Why is his shirt covered in blood?
Wife: Because he got a nose bleed he was crying so hard.
Me: But he stopped crying!
Wife: Oh... just wait a second... he will start again.
Me: 你好炎兵！
Bing: *incoherent babbling* 爸爸 *more babbling* 飞机 *babbling* 回来！*begins crying again*Wife: What is he saying.
Me: Something about an airplane, and his Dad.

Friend: Do you think it is because your wife is the one who took him away from China?
Me: Yea, maybe. Bing had been in the same foster home since he was 20 days old. So really, the foster family were his mother and father. I don't think a two year old understands the concept of "foster".

Bing's Foster Sister (BFS): We all miss Bing very much.
Me: I know. He misses you all as well.
BFS: I catch his Mom, everyday she looks at his picture you sent us and she cries.

Now, I am no Doctor. But when I was younger, I liked playing one. I am however, a Father. And as such, I feel I am distinctly qualified to diagnose our sons 'undiagnosed special need'. See, our son is suffering from a Broken Heart.

No, no CVT Valve, or holes in the muscle problems. Those are different... those types of Special Needs are commonly diagnosed as Heart Defects.

My son has a fine heart. No defects. It is however, simply broken.

And as his Heart continues to Break... so to do the hearts of his new Mother and new Father. His new brothers and sisters hurt for him, and his Foster Family back in Taiyuan miss him greatly and their hearts are breaking as well.

I have seen Broken Hearts render even the strongest man distraught and useless. I have seen Broken Hearts take years to heal, if ever at all.

Unfortunately, there is no surgery to fix his condition.
Time is often considered to be a healing factor... but time can also cause the pain to worsen.
I have no medicine.
No crutches.
No words to soften the pain.

Cuddles help... its like Tylenol(tm) for a Broken Heart

I have two arms strong enough to hold him when he cries, and a heart big enough to love him while he hurts... but I can not fix this Special Need.

I really wish they would list this special need on the Adoption Reports. Maybe it would help prepare the parents of these hurting children so we can better help and understand them. Give them more grace when they cry, and more patience when they push us away.

Hope, as one Broken Hearted child continues to heal her
broken heart, she can pass encouragement onto the others

And if you DO have a child who is suffering from a Broken Heart, you are not alone. I think almost everyone has had a Broken Heart at least once in their life. :-)

And always remember the words of the highly regarded Rick Astleys, who obviously was trying to overcome someone else's broken heart, their doubt in love and dealing with a difficult past in love. His words continue to help young people overcome Broken Hearts even today (20ish years after his initial writings were released):

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

What We're Reading Wednesday: Links

2011-12-14T18:32:00.000-08:00

Nicole, from the Chryst Family blog, shares about 'Saying Yes' to adopt daughter Brooklyn six months ago. She also details much that has transpired since: traveling to China, a cleft-lip surgery, and falling madly in love with their little girl.

Jaime, from Hope Written, chronicles her daughter Elisyn's journey since arriving home with a severe heart defect. It's been over 50 days since Elisyn's open-heart surgery and it continues to be a very difficult road. Please take a moment to visit Jaime's blog and offer a word of encouragement!

Kelly, who blogs at I Overthink Everything, shares about the struggles of choosing the healthiest way to discipline her adopted daughter, and that disciplining a biological child is very different from disciplining a child with a history of abandonment.

Friend and advocate Annie, who blogs at Cornbread and Chopsticks, retells the story of Xiaoyun, a little one with scoliosis that Annie advocated for on her site as she was very close to aging out. Well, Xiaoyun is now home and you positively must listen to her share her story in her own incredibly special words.

Our own Kam, who very recently lost her son Seth to his severe heart defect as he waited in China, shares about the sorrow of losing her son, one month later.

Danielle, who blogs at Westhaven Kids, chronicles the medical journey for her son, Asher, who has bilateral upper limb differences. Asher also suffered from undisclosed developmental delays, but has made rapid gains in a very short time. Way to go, Asher!

And lastly, if you're like all of us around here, you'll want to take a few moments (or hours!) and travel vicariously with these folks currently in China to bring home their kids.

If you have posted something, or read something, you'd like to share here on No Hands But Ours, please let us know. Email us at nohandsbutours@gmail.com.

Ambly-what?

2011-12-11T14:36:00.000-08:00

A few months ago we assumed that our oldest son had perfectly good vision.

Then I took him to his yearly check at the pediatrician's office. He rocked out the vision chart using both eyes, and then again with his left eye. But when it came time for his right eye, he just giggled and shrugged his shoulders. The nurse got ready to write "uncooperative" on his report, but something about the look on his face told me he was serious. So I pressed for her to continue testing him.

After several minutes of him saying that he couldn't see the letters, I was pretty much blindsided by the result. He couldn't even read the 20/200 line, putting him at legally blind without corrective lenses. We had no idea.

Next stop was the opthamologist to have a full vision exam. End result, 20/25 in his left eye and somewhere around 20/250 in his right.

Glasses were prescribed and we were to come back in 30 days to see if they alone would correct the problem.

We went back. They didn't. While there was some improvement ~ he could now see at 20/150 in his "helper eye" ~ his vision was still drastically unbalanced.

That was the day I first heard the term amblyopia. Not life threatening for sure, but still, without treatment the brain simply stops trying to decipher signals from the weaker eye. Over time, irreversible damage occurs. The ideal time to begin treatment is before age 5, and doctors seem to agree that if amblyopia goes undetected past age 10 that it is too late for vision to be corrected.

(And I was really put out with myself when I went back and checked his previous well visit reports. Each year for vision before the nurse had simply written "uncooperative." We perhaps could have started correction for his condition a year before...)

Thankfully I haven't had to kick myself too hard. After five weeks of wearing an eye patch "all waking hours," his vision has improved drastically. He went from 20/150 to 20/50. His opthamologist thinks that by the end of this next five weeks that my sweetie may be totally done with his patches.

Until then though, we have two patchers in our house. While neither one of them are crazy about loss of periphery vision, anything you can share with your virtual twin makes it more bearable...

**End note ~ we've since had a full eye exam for our oldest daughter and have one scheduled soon for our newest addition. The US National Library of Medicine recommends that all children should have a complete eye examination at least once between the ages of 3 and 5. With two kids who came home with undisclosed vision issues, now I'm a believer.**

brand spankin' new~

2011-12-09T18:31:00.000-08:00

I really can't decide where to begin. Being new here fills me with a million questions. None of which really matter to anyone but me! Still, I don't want this "Hello" post to be about me or us or our family. But I just think it could come across rude to just pop in like I've been here forever. It feels like I have though.

Over the last week, I've worked my way through many contributors' posts and I've gotten to know your hearts. I've wept for you and with you. My spirit has rejoiced with yours. I've laughed out loud at you and because of you. I've confiscated my husband's Macbook and read your posts to him through downright belly giggles and at times, tears streaming. You've made your way into my heart through your words. And I'm really, really happy to be part of you. A teeny tiny new part of the No Hands But Ours community.

If you're wondering who I am or what we're about, you'll find the full skinny at http://faithfamilyadoption.com. The abbreviated version will do nicely though. In short {not really}, I'm a mama to two precious daughters by birth {current ages 11 and 9} and a Thai Tornado of a son {age 5}. My husband and I celebrated 15 years of blissful marriage last week. We live in the Southeast US where he serves as a youth and education pastor. I left the world of working with surgeons in Labor and Delivery ten years ago to be home with our first daughter and haven't looked back since. We have a wonderful {for us!} school situation in which our children attend a private Christian school on Monday's and Wednesdays and we home school the three remaining days. We are under the authority umbrella of the school {it's not a co-op situation}. So the school choses curriculum, degreed teachers teach all classes, etc. We as parents carry out assignments on home days and fill in gaps of teaching them one on one. This is our third year and we absolutely love it. I'm also a part time photographer. I began my business in the hopes of helping adopting families offset financial strains during the process to bring home their children. The Lord has blessed it and we are grateful.

I will say, I've been drawn to adoption all my life. Strangely though, until adulthood, I never knew anyone who had been adopted nor anyone who had adopted. It may be more accurate to say, I've always been drawn to orphans. I remember listening to an old 33 LP album of Disney's "The Rescuers" over and over and over as a small child. I wanted to go in and rescue Penney like the two little mice were. I was angry at the dreadful Gogans in "Pete's Dragon". And my heart broke over and over again the hundreds of times I watched "Annie". I also begged my parents for an Xavier Roberts authentic "Adoption Doll" {now the everyday version is Cabbage Patch Kids} in the early 80's. Gosh. I'm so old. I was in the 1st grade and remember in detail going to the specialty store {the only local place where these dolls were sold}, standing before the owner of the store, and raising my right hand in promise that I would care for her and love her. Then, I signed the official adoption papers in my best 7 year old penmanship. The fact that I was adopting her filled my heart with joy.

I won't go into all of the details here because really, who has the time!?! And it's so detailed on our family blog...but the Lord changed our lives when our son came home in 2009. We began to understand Him in a different way. We were living out the Gospel in a completely new way. New to us anyway. The adoption of His people has been the heart of God, even since the foundation of the world. It was never His plan B. It was always THE plan, in full force before we ever fluttered in our mom's bellies or gasped for our first breath. And the adoption of orphans has more Biblical parallels than I can fathom.

We saw our son's picture in a waiting child catalog that came in the mail from our agency. He had several special needs at the time but in God's goodness, many were resolved before we traveled to Thailand for him. No one would even know the hurdles and tragedy that he endured during the first year of his life now...he is a happy and healthy and I must say, beautiful little boy inside and out. We are completely blessed.

Earlier this year, at the leading of the Lord, we began a second adoption for a son from China. We named him Seth and fell quickly and madly in love. He had five heart defects {ToF + a minor defect} as well as a radial club right hand. One month to the day after receiving PA from China, we received the devastating news on November 14th that Seth had died. It has been such a difficult and blessed three short weeks that we have walked. I wouldn't wish this loss on anyone. But the outpouring of love and support and prayers has been overwhelming. And has only solidified our desire and resolve to bring home a China heart baby boy. Seth's story lives on and the Lord is using his albeit short, but precious life, to do amazing things.

Again, I'm blessed by you all and I hope that in some way, I can be an encouragement to you as we step out in faith once again onto this risky adoption road. My prayer is that anything I write here will shine a huge spotlight on Jesus and not on myself; that others would see the precious privilege and joy of changing orphans into sons and daughters and that through it all, our lives would live up to the great calling we all have to love and care for the fatherless.

Merry Christmas new friends!

For His fame alone~

Kam

Only a Mama

2011-12-07T09:03:00.001-08:00

Last week, our 4 year-old son, XiXi had just had his bath, was in his favorite pair of monster jammies, and smelled of that wonderful combination of shampoo and toothpaste. I was tucking his blanket around him when he brought up China. He's only been home eight months, but very rarely mentions anything at all about his years in the Kunming orphanage. "In China," he said, "one night I have to go potty, but NO get out of bed. No, no, no." With each "no" he wagged his chubby little finger back and forth, indicating that getting out of bed was definitely against the rules.

"What happened?" I asked gently. "Did you wet the bed?"
"No," he answered. "I cry and cry and an ayi come and take me to the potty."
Always happy to grasp onto moments of love and kindness coming from the orphanage, I said, "That was so nice of Ayi. I'm glad she did that. I bet when she took you back to bed, she tucked you in, gave you a kiss on the head, and said, 'Goodnight, XiXi.'"
He pouted and shook his head. "No," he said. Then the corners of his mouth turned up in a grin. "Only a Mama do that."

I swelled with love for our son and thanked God not only for XiXi's presence in our home but also for the reminder that there is nothing more important on my agenda than tucking in that little four year-old boy.

Who Are You Waiting For?

2011-12-06T08:53:00.000-08:00

Are you waiting for a referral?

Are you waiting in the Waiting Child (SN) program or the traditional (NSN) program?

Are you waiting for what seems like years? Or perhaps you have been waiting for years?

Do you know who you are waiting for?

A daughter younger than two years old perhaps?

Or maybe she could be three or … possibly … four … maybe?

How about a son … or not?

These are questions all parents have probably at the very least mulled over, maybe even revisited again and again if waiting for years for a referral from China.

And these are all questions that at times honestly perplex me.

The biggest question I would love to ask everyone who is waiting for years for a referral is this: Who Are You Waiting For?

Let me assure you that I have never asked a waiting parent this question. I suppose in a roundabout way I am asking anyone reading to consider it now. Obviously in a blog, no one has to answer or even feel the need to answer. On the other hand, comments are always open and welcome here so a discussion could always come about … and that is most often a good thing.

Let me throw out some hypothetical assumptions here. I am basing these on conversations I have had over the years with other APs, many of whom are astounded when they actually meet our "special needs" children and learn that all three of them fell into the "hard to place" category.

Hypothetical #1: You are one of a majority of families who are NOT open to a child with multiple needs. A child who was born with complex heart disease and cleft lip and palate.

That would be entirely too much. Now, let me stop here and say let's assume insurance is not a deciding factor and also that you qualify in every way for these hard to place children. But assuming you have excellent medical coverage and all requirements are met, you are just not open to a child with those "severe" needs.

Let me introduce you to our child who was born with complex heart disease and cleft lip and palate. I am going to show a VERY RARE glimpse of our Li'l Miss on video. She is singing a song she penned herself, and she sings it often to Jesus. In one line, she sings:

Lift up Jesus Christ, He loves you sooooo much.
Lift up Jesus Christ, He made you so wonderful.

Does it get any better than that? Wow. I admit to just about losing it when she sang it for me the first time. I already mentioned she made this song up herself. Did I mention she has complex, single-single ventricle heart disease? Yes she does. And no, we don't know what her life expectancy will be, and honestly we don't dwell on that and didn't even consider the question when deciding to move forward with our second daughter, also born with single-ventricle heart disease.

Why? In short, they all deserve a home and a family. And if you met her, I can almost assure you that you would never ask the question again, "What about life expectancy?" which is the #1 question asked of me by parents wondering about bringing home a child with complex heart disease.

Now let me be clear in saying PLEASE ASK QUESTIONS. I love to answer, and though my answer may not give you any peace or reassurance, it is honestly how the Prez and I feel. It DOES NOT MATTER what their life expectancy will be. We adopted her and will adopt her little sister not because of how long they might live, but because they ARE living and they need a family … and I think we need them just as much or maybe more.

Our daughter is 6 years old. She has been home for 3 years. She has SEVERE language delay in the area especially of articulation, but did you hear her singing? I might be just a wee bit proud of her. She WORKS SO HARD. She had significant hearing loss for more than 4 years until tubes were finally placed and her hearing is now excellent. She has endured 8 surgeries since she came home, and does so with bravery and courage that most of us will never know.

She is AMAZING. If you met her, you would not believe she has faced so many needs and endured so much. She is our daughter. Why do I share so vulnerably here?

On the shared list today, multiple children with needs EXACTLY like our Li'l Miss wait and wait and wait. Maybe you haven't ever felt like you are waiting on a child like that. Maybe though you are missing out by not pursuing one of those children.

Hypothetical #2: You would never consider bringing home an older son because there are too many risks and older children can never bond anyway, and if you did go there you would definitely only consider a girl anyway.

Enter this charming young man.

I know he is charming, because he is my son. My 3rd son … well really 2nd … except he came to me 3rd … but he is our 2nd oldest. I know it confuses my brain sometimes too. I know how you feel because I was definitely not open to an older child … and definitely not open to an older son … and definitely not open to bringing an older boy into our home with younger children. No way. That is what other families do. Not us. Besides, that is irresponsible and just asking for trouble.

Except he hasn't brought us trouble or made us irresponsible parents. In fact, he has brought more joy and love and grace into our home and our parenting. Not only that, we are immeasurably more blessed for having stepped way out of our comfort zone and done the thing many think is taking it way too far.

He is the most loving and compassionate guy you'll ever meet. He loves with his whole heart, which I should add is not perfectly formed. He was also born with heart disease, and though a PDA seems minor enough, his was not repaired until he was 10 years old in China and while we awaited our LOA for his adoption.

So, I know you may fall in that majority who says, *IF* I was going to adopt an older son, he would have to be healthy. But let me tell you, our son is HEALTHY as an ox. He does anything he wants to do sports-wise and he is smart and funny and just adds another layer of love to my heart!

So, my advice: don't assume you couldn't adopt an older son. Maybe an older son is just who you have been waiting for all of this time. Many of them wait on the shared list right now. Today. And a LOT of those boys are healthy, and some others have "needs" like our son did, but don't let those needs define the child. Look past them and do your research and talk to experienced parents. And then decide. But at least consider an older, waiting son.

Hypothetical #3: You do not need a son. You want a daughter. You are not going to change your mind because this is your dream and that is that.

This is a tough one.

I know this may not go over well AT ALL. I am well aware of that fact.

But sometimes the tough stuff needs to be said. And sometimes we just gotta say it.

I have been blessed with four amazing sons, 2 by birth and 2 by adoption. When we had our 2 birth sons 4 years apart, I remember being thrilled both times to hear the ultrasound tech say, "It's a boy!" I mean, absolutely thrilled. There was no disappointment in me or my husband whatsoever. Why would there be? Both boys appeared to be healthy, growing as they should, and due right on schedule.

That was enough. A son. And then another son. Icing on the cake!

And then came China. And our 2nd adoption, 4th child. A son? Really God? Are you sure?

But I knew. Without a doubt. He was calling us to THIS CHILD, the one I just spoke of above. The older boy. Who happened to be on our agency's designated list at the time.

And so we moved forward, and once we did I never looked back. What I would have missed? I can't even fathom now.

Enter son #4. REALLY GOD??? ARE YOU SURE???

Oh how winding our path was to this Li'l Dude you see pictured above (and whose upper lip finally seems to have expelled those last remaining "dissolvable" stitches). I can only imagine the Lord knew how much He needed to grow my love for this little guy BEFORE we met him … and grow it the Lord did!

When we met, I quickly realized his immediate needs were great. Far greater even than I imagined. And I imagined fairly realistically. And yet, less than a year and a half home, he IS rocking it out! I tell you he stood up on the stage at church Sunday night in the preschool program and acted the part of a CAMEL. Now he didn't have all the right moves precisely down like his sister and the third camel, but he stood there and he didn't run away or act disruptive … and he definitely was one of the two cutest camels on that stage!

He is now reading some too. AMAZING. Did I mention he was born with heart disease (TOF), cleft lip and palate, is deaf in one ear … oh and he lived in an orphanage in China for 5 years?

Yeah. He was waiting for YEARS for a family too. Did I mention that? Why?

I think probably because he is a BOY, he was older (4 at referral; that is OLD for a little boy waiting), he has multiple needs, and … uh, oh … and undisclosed need. That is way too much.

And yet, when I look at the above photo, I just see my little surprise. That is what I call him: my little surprise! He grins that big grin and says, "I LUBBBB you, Mommy" and my heart melts all over again.
Who Are You Waiting For?

If you are waiting, perhaps even years for a NSN referral of an AYAP girl, maybe it is valid question. Maybe it is not. Only you can decide that for your family. I will tell you this though.

Our first LID was December 14, 2007.

12/14/2007.

We are still YEARS … yes, YEARS … away from a referral with that log-in date. Since that date, we have brought home our … three waiting children … all hard to place … all NOT fought over … all NOT part of the "new shared list" each month … and yet all equally amazing and a blessing to everyone they meet … and most importantly, treasures uniquely created by our Father God.

Our Li'l Miss …

Our "Larry" (one of our 3 stooges ;) …

Our Li'l Dude …

And our Li'l Bit … waiting for us in China …

… and born with a single ventricle heart … and EQUALLY deserving of a family … and we feel completely overwhelmed in a good way that God is entrusting us yet again with one of these special babies!

Who Are You Waiting For?

Feel free to check out our adventures in life as a family of seven … soon to be eight … at my family blog, Room for at Least One More.

What We're Reading Wednesdays: Links

2011-11-30T04:52:00.001-08:00

David Platt, author of Radical and pastor of The Church at Brook Hills, is in China with his wife and two sons to bring home a little girl from MaoMing. He has chronicled the journey to adoptive parenthood beautifully, I encourage you to begin reading here and continue. Their new addition, Mara Ruth, is positively precious, so be sure to watch a few videos as well!

Kam, mom to sweet Seth who passed away from his heart defects before she could travel to bring him home from China, shares her grief transparently and eloquently at her blog Faith, Family, Adoption. Please take a few moments to visit her site and say a prayer for their grieving family and for their precious Seth.

Angie, mom to Emery recently adopted from China, details the amazing transformation that has taken place in the few months that Emery has been home on her blog, A Blog Full of Weldons. You won't believe the difference between the "then" and "now" videos...

Sarah, waiting mom to a little one in China, shares the story of how they came to 'find' their new daughter, Madeline, on her blog aptly named... Madeline. Be sure to read the whole story of "God's Plan vs. My Plan": Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 and Part 5.

Joy, mom to Rachel from China, expresses her sorrow at not knowing all the details of her daughter's birth story, especially when a birthday rolls around, on her blog Red Thread Notes.

And lastly, if you're like all of us around here, you'll want to take a few moments (or hours!) and travel vicariously with these folks currently in China to bring home their kiddos:

Football and Fried Rice - welcome beautiful Ruby!
Two More Treasures
Lots o' Kidz
The O'Cain Crew
The Church at Brook Hills pastor David Platt and Family

If you have posted something, or read something, you'd like to share here on No Hands But Ours, please let us know. Email us at nohandsbutours@gmail.com.

next shared list

2011-11-29T06:30:00.001-08:00

The newest shared list was released by the CCCWA last night, November 28th!

Congratulations to all families in the Special Needs program, whether you find your child on shared list, the Special Focus list or an individual agency list... it's always wonderful when children find their forever family!

Sleepless in Beijing

2011-11-21T04:29:00.001-08:00

So the wife is currently in China, and I'm still here in Canada.
The Wife, BigD (our 2nd eldest son) and our new son Lukai are about 5 days away from coming home.
There have been a great many thing which I've learned over the last few weeks. Some of them related to adoption, most related to our new son, and even a little about myself.

So instead of coming up with a comprehensive, well written, insightful and thought provoking blog post today (like my other blog posts have been really deep and insightful, I know), I'm going to walk though many of the emotions and "things" which have come up over the last few weeks.

I think this is a good idea, mostly because I am grotesquely sleep deprived and forming any coherent though feel well beyond reason and possibility... but also because it is my hope that everyone reading this either has, or will have had the opportunity to have an energetic little boy (or girl) throwing die-cast cars at their spouses head while you yell in vein over Skype (in chinese) to stop throwing said die-cast cars at their new mother... er, wait, what I meant to say was "I hope everyone gets to experience the joys of adopti... er family!"

Special Needs be darned!
See, I was expecting and prepared for SpinaBifida. But just a couple weeks before we left, he was diagnosed with a 2nd previously unknown special need - Vitiligo. Now, we don't really care about the Vitiligo - it could be as trivial as a cosmetic issue, or as severe as a thyroid or auto-immune deficiency. What we were scared of was *someone* deciding that the adoption was no longer allowed. Our provincial government could have decided that this special need was not "on the list" and therefore, the terms of adoption are no longer valid. Someone in China could have decided that it was no longer in the best interest of the child to be adopted. It was a few days of complete emotional panic as we tried to re-assure our adoption agency, our province and China that we still wanted to adopt little Lukai.

1st meeting between Mom and Lukai

But the bottom line was, we already loved our child, even though he was not home yet. And if tomorrow any one of my children were diagnosed with Vitiligo, it would not have changed my love for them.

Little Boys are Energetic!
It has been a while since we've had a little boy around the house. I think its been about 9 years since we've had a little high energy, rough and tumble little ball of AAAAAHHHH stop throwing things at my head!!! But that is OK.

Looks happy, but apparently dosn't like swimming

Well, it is OK for now, because he is still in China, and I am safe and sound over here. My wife however, is looking a little tired.

When the 1st Words out of your Child's Foster Mother's mouth are "He is Such a Naughty Boy"
... take it at face value. :-) Oh cute for sure. Little at that smile. Those rose coloured cheeks! How could he ever be so Naugh... hey, hey, put the car down! No, don't you smile at me like that. Finger wagging and head shaking is universal. Wipe that smile off your face. Don't you DARE throw that OWWWWWW!

That is the foster mom in the middle

She did happen to say that he was a naughty boy in the loving, endearing way that only a Mother can, where you know you are loved, but oh so close to getting into serious trouble!

Being Stuck at Home playing "Mom" for 3 Weeks is NOT fun
I don't know how you Moms do it. I really don't. I mean, I now understand why my wife yells at the kids. I mean, being a Dad, you sometimes see your wife snap at the kids with the old "Oh I have told you a THOUSAND times!!!", but I didn't really understand it until now. Until the 12th day of getting them ready for school as they run outside in their bare feet and no coats... and I'm standing in the door way, yelling like a crazy person "GET YOUR COATS ON!". Oh, and I understand too why when I come home after work and am all "Hey, how YOU doing?" she isn't at ALL interested in how I'm doing. She wants to sleep. I get that, now, more than ever. Because I'm not even interested in how I'm doing after a long day of work, children, cleaning, laundry, and all that stuff.

Never Judge a Foster Parents by their Picture
... even if they look so very unhappy. My wife was able to meet Lukai's Foster Mom (you can read about it here), which was AMAZING. And WAY better than we expected, after THESE photos. But I just finished an hour long Instant Message (via QQ) chat with them, and their hearts are breaking. I know that in China, if the foster family wants to adopt the child they are fostering, that they have to come up with the orphanage donation - which is something like 35,000RMB. Or roughly two years wages for the average worker. I do not know what happened with their family, if they tried to keep Lukai, if they wanted him to get a home, but I DO know that they love him deeply. They said repeatedly that they are happy he is with us, but they miss him. My Chinese will never be good enough to express my thanks to them, and pay them the respect and honour they deserve ... and it is not because I suck at Chinese, it is simply because words can not express things adequately, regardless of language. However, if I knew Interpretative Dance, I think I could have nailed what my heart wanted to say!

See, my child is still 1/2 a world away. And that is all I care about. Getting him home, holding him in my arms, hearing him laugh (Skype just doesn't cut it), and dyes, even dodging the odd die-cast car launched at my head.

All the Special Needs, pain, troubles and worries pale in comparison to my desire to simply hold my child for the 1st time.

Now, my next post might be asking the best way to bandage head wounds inflicted by flying die-cast cars...

What We're Reading Wednesday: Links

2011-11-16T13:25:00.001-08:00

Johanna, from Stop and Smell the Flowers, is mom to Tahlia, who is still waiting in China. Johanna shares about Tahlia's special need of cleft lip and palate, the preparations they are making for her arrival home and how they came to be a family, even though they were initially intimidated by her new daughter's special need.

Lori, who blogs at Stress Is the New Black, shares about her son Ethan's long-time fear of being without food and it's far reaching effects.

The Gang's Mama, from The Gang's All Here, writes about Lil' Empress and the challenges of parenting a child with deep-seated separation anxiety.

Follow Kyle Maynard, a quadruple amputee, and the entire Mission Kilamangaro team of "wounded warriors" as they climb Mt. Kilamangaro.

And lastly, if you're like all of us around here, you'll want to take a few moments (or hours!) and travel vicariously with these folks currently in China to bring home their kiddos:

Forever Family - Our very own Adrian is now a father... again :)
Journey to Lydia Hong Mo
One More Blessing
We Were Led to You....
And So We Wait
House of Payne

If you have posted something, or read something, you'd like to share here on No Hands But Ours, please let us know. Email us at nohandsbutours@gmail.com.

next shared list

2011-10-28T04:19:00.000-07:00

The newest shared list is expected to be released by the CCCWA on the night of October 31st.

Congratulations to all families in the Special Needs program, whether you find your child on shared list, the Special Focus list or an individual agency list... it's always wonderful when children find their forever family!

What We're Reading Wednesday: Links

2011-10-26T18:11:00.000-07:00

Incredibly inspiring video of a college-aged girl, Scout Bassett, adopted from China when she was 9. She was abandoned as a toddler with severe burns (and eventually lost her leg), but now runs, bikes and swims competitively, all with an amazing courage and determination.

Beautiful Emme Jade's family recently found out that she had a previously undisclosed special need. She had surgery today, and all went well! Please visit her blog and wish sweet Emme well.

Lucy came home from China a few months ago with a special need of cleft lip and palate. Her mom, Lisa, shares about their recent visit with the Cleft Team, as well as Lucy's love for sweets and her distaste for good ol' healthy food.

Lori, mother to Rachel who came home from China with a very serious heart defect, shares about Rachel's recent (and successful!) open heart surgery.

And lastly, if you're like all of us around here, you'll want to take a few moments (or hours!) and travel vicariously with these folks currently in China to bring home their kiddos:

Waiting for Sprout... and now Xiao Mei - as they travel to bring home new daughter Violet
Adopting in Oklahoma - as they travel to bring home a little boy, Joseph, a little girl, Jewel
Zoey Fei-Li - as they bring home their daughter, Zoey
A Place For You - as they bring home their son, Nolan, and daughter, Gracelyn
God is Up to Something - as they bring home their two new daughters
And follow From the Pages of our Hearts - they are just beginning their journey to bring home a daughter, Bethany Joy, and a son, Jacob

If you have posted something, or read something, you'd like to share here on No Hands But Ours, please let us know. Email us at nohandsbutours@gmail.com.

I Got This

2011-10-21T04:00:00.000-07:00

Refuses to let me help her tie up her gia...

Ping: I no can do this!
Me: What's wrong baby?
Ping: I no can fix my gia.
Me: Well come here, I can fix it.
Ping: You know how do it?
Me: Yea, I got this.
*I tie up Ping's gia for karate class, and she runs out of the bedroom*
Me: Ahhhh, kids are cute.
Wife: Oh yea? What did she do?
Me: Oh she was just all panic'd that she could not tie up her gia properly. It must have seemed like a big problem, because she was pretty upset.
Wife: And you fixed it for her?
Me: Of course. That's what Daddies are for. Sometimes they are so determined to be independent that they won't let me help, but eventually they get tired of trying to do it on their own.

Son#1: My bike tires are flat. I can't get them pumped up.
Me: Why not?
Son#1: I can't get the pump thing on the other rubber thingy.
Me: Ahhh, I see. Okay, I got this.
Son#1: Mom already tried. It won't work.
Me: Hey, just trust me. I got this.
*A couple minutes later, Son#1 jumps on his bike and goes 'cruzing'*
Me: Ahhhh, it's good to still be needed.
Wife: Huh?
Me: He needed some help with his bike. I got it fixed up for him.

This is one part of being a father that I really enjoy. The ability to take care of things for the ones I love. There is something so satisfying when you can see a situation and help solve it. Not everything is solved so easily. Some issues the family face are larger than others... and everyone has a different perspective on the issues currently in progress. But we parents are not immune to getting scared or confused at times.

Adding a couple of bedrooms for the new additions to the family...

Me: What do you mean?
Banker: Well, the money can't be released until the home renovations are 40% complete.
Me: But... my house is missing part of it's roof.
Banker: I understand.
Me: And my one wall is almost completely torn down.
Banker: I understand.
Me: And I kind of need the money to complete the construction.
Banker: I understand.
Me: But you are telling me that I have no money to pay for the roof trusses, or anything else?
Banker: That is correct.
Me: ... okay. Um, I'm just going to go and cry now. Can I call you back later.
Banker: Yea, call me tomorrow. I'll see if we can switch from a Construction Mortgage to a Refinancing Mortgage.
Me: Yea... *click*
God: I got this.
Me: Yea? Do you? Cuz I thought you did.
God: I got this.
*ring* *ring* *ring*
Me: Hello.
Wife: Hey, don't be mad.
Me: Uh-oh. Look, if it is about money, if you spent any money today, just don't tell me. Talk to me tomorrow about it.
... awkward silence...
Me: ... you spent money?
Wife: I had to put the down payment on the roof trusses.
Me: What? Why?!
Wife: Because the builder said that we were running out of time. Even with ordering the trusses now, they won't be ready until November. And they can't risk running into the snow and stuff.
Me: Okay. No. That's fine. You did the right thing. How did you pay for it? The bank account is a little bare right now.
Wife: I had to use the money in the adoption fund.
Me: Okay. Great! No. That's... that's fine.
Wife: Are you okay?
Me: I'm just freaking out a little about money right now.
God: I got this.
Me: Did you hear that?
Wife: Hear what? Look, we will be okay. We have three weeks before I leave for China. We will get the money back.
Me: I still don't have the money from the bank for the renovations, and there are some complications...
Wife: Well, I prayed about it, and went on faith that everything would be okay.
God: I said, I got this. Just trust me.
Me: Okay, you know what, you're right. It is okay. I'm sure that the money will come in in time.
Wife: Love you. *click*
Me: Okay God... I donno how this is gonna work... but this is totally in your hands now.
God: I got this.
... about 2 hours later ...
*ring* *ring* *ring*
Me: Hello? Oh, why are you crying?
Wife: I just got a letter in the mail from my Mom and Step-Dad*.
Me: Oh? Everything OK?
Wife: They just sent us a check for more than twice what I had to pay for the roof trusses!
God: See. I told you I got this. Ahhhh, kids are so cute. Trying so hard to do everything on their own and be so independent.

See, like my own kids, I struggle with what goes on everyday. I try to do as much as I can on my own strength and when things go wrong, I try to "fix them". But really, there is only so much I can do. But what I am learning, is that sometimes, it is best that I let go, and give the control over to someone else...

While I was busy complaining about having to wait over 135 days for our LOA, that wait was giving my wife's friend a chance to save up money so she could go to China to help my wife.
While I was busy trying to speed up some paper work, that delay made it possible to travel at the same time as another adoptive family we know, which ensures my wife will never be alone - and there will be at least 1 other Dad there to help look out for our 11 year old son and do all the 'manly' things.
While I was busy trying to get a construction mortgage set up, the delays in that saved us thousands of dollars (a long story).

Lukai - coming home Nov 24th

Life doesn't always make sense when we are going though it. It must not have made sense to our little Ping, Lukai or the other 147million children in orphanages without a mother and father... but there was a Father in the picture, who looked lovingly upon them and softly whispered to them "I got this".

Then that same Father turned his attention to us and whispered softly...

... and I'm so happy we were listening.

* I could blog a whole bunch about my wife's Step Dad. He has been just a wonderful support though both our adoptions. He is an adoptive parent as well... but that is for a different post, for a different day.

adoption grants and loans

2011-10-20T04:34:00.000-07:00

We are working to create a database for adoptive families pursuing adoption that need help funding their adoption. Please leave a comment or email us if you have any organizations to add to our list.

Both Hands - http://www.bothhandsfoundation.org/

Lifesong for Orphans - http://www.lifesongfororphans.org/adGrantLoans.html

JSC Foundation - http://jscfoundation.org/

Katelyn's Fund - http://katelynsfund.org

A Child Waits Foundation - http://www.achildwaits.org/

Show Hope - http://www.showhope.org/

Anna's Forever Families - http://annasforeverfamilies.org/wordpress/

Gift of Adoption - http://www.giftofadoption.org/

National Adoption Foundation - http://www.nafadopt.org/how-we-can-help/how-we-can-help.shtml

Resources 4 Adoption (general resource that lists other organizations that provide grants and loans) - http://www.resources4adoption.com/

A Valid Question Further Explained

2011-10-18T10:08:00.000-07:00

My Mom called before 8 a.m. wanting more details after reading this post.

I don't *think* she was mad when I refused to answer a specific question.

Let me just say my Mom is one of the coolest and most awesome ladies I know, but man it feels good that I have the confidence to say "No, Mom, I'm not going to tell you."

She tried hard, but the point of the post was to just say this: The Prez and I do NOT feel called to adopt a healthy child.

There.

I said it.

Let me say, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ADOPTING A HEALTHY CHILD.

I truly believe that.

But God calls us all individually. And He has called us to this: special needs adoption.

And it seems like He has called us specifically to adopt children with heart disease and more than that, children who are "hard to place."

Oh, I REALLY DON'T LIKE that term.

But it is out there. And unfortunately, it is true.

All 3 of our children who were adopted WERE hard to place. Man, that hurts my heart. BREAKS it nearly.

Our first child by adoption: Li'l Miss was only 2 1/2 when her file was put on the shared list, BUT she had unrepaired heart disease (4 listed defects including transposition of the great vessels) and unrepaired cleft lip and palate. Many people are just not open to taking that step, to adopting a child with all of those needs, especially together, and especially complex heart needs.

I have said this before but the #1 question I get asked by far when counseling people considering adopting a heart child is this: "What about life expectancy? Will her life be shortened?"

Well, I don't know. Do any of us? I do know that she had a fontan operation and that this is cutting-edge in the scheme of heart repairs and no one knows, but Li'l Miss had a heart working over-time for far too long, and damage was done. But when I watch her living life TO THE FULLEST not just every day, but every moment of the day, I wonder if those same people could see what I see ... would they even ask the question?

And then our Li'l Dude. Well, he was 4 AND A BOY. Two strikes there. Most PAPs don't want a son (1 out of 8 adoptive families will CHOOSE a boy; the other 7 choose a girl no matter if there are any children yet or not) and if they do, why would they choose an older one when so many little babies are waiting with no one waiting on them? And did I mention Li'l Dude was born with tetralogy of fallot and cleft lip and palate? And he has some other defects, namely hearing loss in one ear and will be wearing a BAHA soon on that ear.

And Larry. Well he was 9 years old sitting there on our agency's individual list. I remember skipping by his picture and bio myself. I mean, really, a 9-year-old boy? I don't think so. But if you could see this child and his loving ways, and his HUGE heart and his smile and his curiosity and trust? He is just precious, and his heart is special too! At the time we submitted LOI, he had a very MINOR yet unrepaired heart defect. Turns out, he got really sick and had open-heart surgery in China. Oh that really was not what we signed up for, but we signed up for HIM. And we are so glad he is home with us.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I see so much chatter about how tired of waiting families are month after month, how "small" this shared list release was, even our agency {whom I love} has jumped on the bandwagon of branding that quite frankly leaves me a bit fumed.

Is God really calling the majority of families to special needs adoption, and then calling them to adopt ONLY the children who everyone else wants to adopt? Would He really do that?

I am just asking the question. Believe me, it has been rolling around in my head for MONTHS. And I do mean rolling like a bag of rocks or something. It really keeps me awake. Where are His people and why don't they want the ones no one wants. I know people are not going to understand if the Prez and I willingly go to China to bring home another sick child. If we do, we will do it because we know and have peace that God has called us to that child.

Many, even believers, question us on that--why would we do that, why would He ask that of us again?

BUT WHY WOULDN'T HE??? And why wouldn't we???

Didn't Jesus go to seek the sickest among the crowds? Didn't He seek out those who needed help the most? Didn't He go to the ones everyone else had turned away from?

Does anyone else want to join me in praying more believers who are called to special needs adoption will step out and consider the children who are not sought? The children whose futures may be very uncertain? The children who are passed over month after month? The children who are labeled with diagnosis that make us uncomfortable?

Is it possible that is right where God wants us? Uncomfortable?

I know this post is out there, but I just can't contain it anymore. I wish the Prez and I could adopt more than one again. But we can't for many reasons, but there are SO MANY waiting who seem to be forgotten. Or too hard. Or too risky.

BUT GOD.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Being a "Special Needs" Parent

2011-10-17T10:46:00.001-07:00

So this past weekend, I was driving the car, listening to the Moth story hour on NHPR and feeling lucky. I love the Moth (true stories told live). Hell, I have a story I want to tell the Moth. (The Pringle Fairy.) But mostly, I love that what I expected to be a chore—a half-hour's drive to a sleepover for Lily—was going to be a pleasure.

Double amputee, athlete, actress and over-achiever Aimee Mullins was telling a fantastic story, about how she didn't just "come to terms with" her artificial legs but began to love them, to truly love them, and demand that they over-achieve right along with her. It was fantastic, a great listen (available on a podcast, too). She'd just reached a moment when a little six-year-old girl born with one leg dramatically shorter than the other came up to her and told her about how she (the little girl) just flat out demanded that her parents have her short leg amputated so she could have a "better leg." She was so impressed that the parents had done it, instead of pushing the girl to try to use her short leg and feel limited. They'd said, yeah, get a better, totally different leg and make it yours! ANd that little girl didn't get some fake-real looking leg. She got a hot pink leg with pictures of High School Musical on it.

Wow, I thought. I hope that if I ever have a kid who needs that kind of support in being different, I'd be that parent who helps her see that her difference is just one of the many fantastic things that make her who she is.

And then the little nagging voice that had been tugging at my mental shoulder as I had that thought whacked me over the head with a two-by-four and said, DUDE! You DO have a "special needs" kid!

Oh yeah.

I'd forgotten. Completely. Rory doesn't have a limb difference (or I'm sure I'd have clued in long before), but China, at least, thought her "difference" (which at the moment amounts to nothing more than a scar and some orthodontic and speech issues) was worthy of singling her out. Before she came home, I was hyper-aware of it. I examined that scar in every photo. Once she got here, I worried about it. How much did the cleft affect her speech? How did if affect her appearance? Would she want to have plastic surgery when she got older, to lessen the scar? How would it impact her life?

And now, two years later, I can honestly say I can't remember the last time I even saw the scar, if you know what I mean. I'm aware of Rory's cleft, of course. I was just considering how it might impact her sinuses last week, and she goes to regular speech therapy. But I just never think about it, except in those contexts. I don't think I deserve a medal for this. I think it's the way every parent of a kid with a physical "difference" is in moments when the "difference" isn't brought front and center by some outside influence. I just hadn't realized it had happened, or that it would be so complete.

Again, I don't think I'm special. But when we adopted Rory, I think my expectation regarding her cleft and scar was that I would still see it, I just wouldn't mind it, by which I don't mean "mind" in a bad way. To get all meta on you, I thought that I would notice myself not noticing it. Which I guess I have, now, but I thought I would always notice not noticing it. I thought that I would be constantly aware of not looking at or not noticing her scar in a very used-to-it kind of way. I know that's a very amorphous statement, and I hope it makes some sense. I never thought the scar or cleft would "bother" me. I just didn't realize that eventually you really just don't see it.

Rory is only six, so her face isn't something she spends a whole lot of time thinking about, unless you apply a sparkly butterfly or a skull tattoo to her cheek. But I would like to admit, right here, that I really used to expect her to come to us, relatively early in her teens, and ask if there was anything that could be done to make her lips more perfect—or rather, more "normal." I figured we'd just help her to do that.

Now, when I look at her, I just see ... her. I can't imagine why she'd feel the need to do anything to her lips besides put on some lipstick and rock them. Or rather, because I've been a teenaged girl, I can, but only in the same way I can imagine any teenaged girl being dissatisfied with any one of her features. Rory's lips are fantastic! Her nose is fantastic! It's her!

So I feel like I have just a tiny glimpse of the way Aimee's parents, and that little girl's parents, felt all along. Once upon a time, when I complained about whatever (I actually have a huge scar down my back that I never think about, so this is all a little ironic) and my mother said oh, honey, you're perfect the way you are, and however you are, I figured that was just what parents had to say. Now I know the truth. We really mean it. We don't even understand how you could think anything else.

Cross posted at Raising Devils.com.

What We're Reading Wednesday: Links

2011-10-12T08:06:00.000-07:00

You've certainly heard about Steve Jobs' (of Apple fame) passing from pancreatic cancer. But did you know he was adopted as an infant? Read the article Steve Jobs Changed the World: Adoption Changed His, written by another adult adoptee, Ryan Bomberger. I also encourage you to watch Ryan's video about his own experience being an adoptee... incredibly moving.

And did you know that wheelchair bound children are getting a chance to surf? Like, in the ocean? Read about 3 year old Surf Princess Maile, who is riding the waves (and setting Guinness World Records!) thanks to Life Rolls On.

Our own KJ, who blogs at Raising Devils, shares her most recent accomplishment: creating a birthday cake for her daughter Rory - who hates birthday cakes. Read A Cake for the Cake-Hater and I guarantee you'll either relate to the cake-hating or hating the cake hater's cake hating.

My friend Branda, who brought home her daughter Man Yu from China in July, shares openly and honestly about what life is like when adopting an older child. Branda shares that even when you've done all the reading and researching, and think you're ready for anything... you might be surprised.

And lastly, if you're like all of us around here, you'll want to take a few moments (or hours!) and travel vicariously with these folks currently in China to bring home their kiddos:

The Most Important Things - bringing home their son Lin Feng
We Are Adopting From China - bringing home their daughter Myah, who has cleft lip and palate
Follow Meili Home - bringing home their daughter Meili, who has microtia

If you have posted something, or read something, you'd like to share here on No Hands But Ours, please let us know. Email us at nohandsbutours@gmail.com.