Speaking of the Inner Child

Linkin Park - Numb

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Fri, 04 Jul 2014 13:49:00 +0000

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me,
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take.

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.

And I know
I may end up failing too.
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you.

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware.
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)

Icon for Hire - The Grey

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Thu, 03 Jul 2014 13:43:00 +0000

I am standing on the edge of returning or just running away
I am letting myself look the other way
And the hardest part in all of this is I don't think I know my way back home
Is it worth the journey or do I let my heart settle here

How cold have I become
I didn't want to
Lose you by what I'd done
Caught in the grey

I don't wanna look you in the eyes, you might call my away
I don't wanna give you the chance to make me stay
And the hardest part in all of this is
I know my way back, I don't want to go
And let you see all that has become of me

I should've know, I should've known
I didn't have a chance

How cold have I become
I didn't want to
Lose you by what I'd done
Caught in the grey
It burns for a moment but
But then it numbs you
Takes you and leaves you just
Caught in the grey

In your deepest pain
In your weakest hour
In your darkest night
You are lovely

In your deepest pain
In your weakest hour
In your darkest night
You are lovely

How cold have I become
I didn't want to
Lose you by what I'd done
Caught in the grey
It burns for a moment but
But then it numbs you
Takes you and leaves you just
Caught in the grey

In your deepest pain
In your weakest hour
In your darkest night
You are lovely

In your deepest pain
In your weakest hour
In your darkest night
You are lovely

Showing Affection

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Wed, 25 Jun 2014 17:21:00 +0000

So I think I have developed this bad habbit that when something really upsets me I can't get to sleep without talking to someone about it or writing about it. Basically getting it out.

It's amazing how writing can be therapeutic to me and that is the reason I write. I don't have a formal structure or strategy when I write and my blog isn't about that. It is almost like a vague compilation of my thoughts and feelings. Random at most times and hence the frequency. More posts usually when I have peaks and lows in life but since you share more of the highs than lows with friends you end up having less to write about the highs (if that makes sense...).

So here I am again, writing to you about my low point in life. Ever tried so hard and expect things to work out and when they don't you blame yourself for it and get upset? You start to break it down to every little detail and what you could have done better. What is worse is when the person you care about, rather than encouraging or being supportive, caring, loving and all the good stuff the girls wants, starts to blame himself, gets frustrated at you for being upset and tells you all the things you probably shouldn't have done. He starts to tell you to go to sleep and to just shut your eyes and not think about it (feels quite dismissive).

Is it so hard to be nice to a girl once in a while? I mean, perhaps I am basing this all off fantasy and fiction movies or novels but sometimes sweet (or corny) lines do work. I wish he could have said "it doesn't matter, I still love you and whatever you do won't change that" or "you're being silly and overthinking it" followed by kisses and hugs then "please stop thinking like that, just for me, ok?". Believe it or not sometimes I just need something like that to feel like I am with someone who cares and is loving by showing his affectionate side. It does require lots of patience when I am in a ball of negativity and all the replies I throw back are negative but without this I can only continue to be negative.

Now that I have gotten my thoughts off my chest I am going to be able to sleep.

Putting Myself First

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Sat, 21 Jun 2014 07:47:00 +0000

It's hard maintaining a relationship sometimes. I don't really know how this works or what to do. I feel as though he doesn't try anymore and all the efforts come from me. It makes me sad to say that I have tried so hard to get nothing in return.

We both make our sacrifices to spend time together but sometimes we are together but we are doing separate things. Is this normal in a relationship? How come I feel as though I don't get to do anything with him anymore? I am simple and I am happy even if we sit and watch a movie together.

Maybe I am asking for too much but I really feel stupid to be making sacrifices and not going to a friend's birthday just to spend the night arguing or doing hardly anything. Perhaps I need to stop trying to repair this damage and start to put myself first.

.the damage that has been done

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Fri, 02 May 2014 13:04:00 +0000

I can't help but live in the past. All those endless fights we have had. All those late night dramatic experiences of shouting and arguing with each other. The slightest thing would remind me of all those that once was... an unforgettable experience and it all starts to expand in my head about how ridiculous or how upsetting it all could get.

From the point I feel a little discomfort in a situation I cannot help but to submerge into another world. To block myself out, be cold, be selfish and be all for myself. I don't want to be hurt, I don't want to fight and I don't want to be in tears till I cannot weep anymore.

Is this the reality I have to face? that I will just be unhappy letting myself be in this situation? Regardless of how happy we are when we are together the bad seems to outweigh the good. I have been able to shut it out but I guess some part of me, the back of my mind, was always preparing for the worst to happen.

I really don't know what to do anymore and I seek for clues and guidance as to what to do next.

The Black Hole

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Sun, 23 Mar 2014 11:33:00 +0000

As of late, I feel a hole in my life and I am struggling to find the solution to fill it. After writing a ridiculous paragraph after paragraph, I thought this would be a more simple form of delivering the questions I have asked myself:

Why can't we just be happy and content with what we have?
Do I deserve better than what I have now?
Is my life right now really that bad?
Am I expecting too much?
Have my expectations been too low?
When is enough actually enough?
Do talking to others make matters worse?
Do we talk to people to really ask for reassurance as we are subjective telling our stories?
Would people tell you what they actually think? should they be? would they?
So why is our life full of lies and deceit?
Are complications and fake reassurances used to make ourselves more miserable or feel better depending on our worth?
What is the point of all this?

To summarise, I have no answers to all of this. All I know is, we live and we learn and that maybe answers to these questions will reveal itself over time. Maybe patience is the key.

Jessica Mauboy - Never Be the Same

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Mon, 17 Mar 2014 09:22:00 +0000

Sometimes we place our importance on one thing so much that we lose sight of everything that is in front of us.

----

Let me tell you about a girl that I used to be,

Same name same face but a different me,

She didn't know what she was thinking,

Didn't know her world was sinking,

Had her dreams written on a paper in her hand,

Held on tight but she didn't understand,

The love and hurt that she's replacing,

All the past that she's erasing,

We all get lost sometimes and we forget who we are and we forget who we are

Somewhere along the way, we're all running in the crazy race,

Never thinking about the hearts we break,

And as our hope starts fading away things are never gonna be the same,

Cause when you're standing there all alone,

Losing everything you've ever known,

You're staring at a different face things are never gonna be the same,

I wish that I could share a different point of view,

But the words coming out wouldn't speak the truth,

You wouldn't know what I was really thinking,

And I'd return to the girl, who's sinking,

Sinking down to the world that waits below,

And I don't want to be there anymore,

Don't wanna be there anymore,

We all get lost sometimes and we forget who we are and we forget who we are

Somewhere along the way, we're all running in the crazy race,

Never thinking about the hearts we break,

And as our hope starts fading away things are never gonna be the same,

Cause when you're standing there all alone,

Losing everything you've ever known,

You're staring at a different face things are never gonna be the same,

The more you win, the more you want,

It never ends, it never stops,

Oh it's never enough,

Oh, the more you win, the more you want,

It never ends, it never stops,

Oh it's never enough,

We're all running in the crazy race,

Never thinking about the hearts we break,

And as our hope starts fading away things are never gonna be the same,

Cause when you're standing there all alone,

Losing everything you've ever known,

You're staring at a different face things are never gonna be the same,

Things are never gonna be the same,

When you're standing there all alone,

Losing everything you've ever known,

You're staring at a different face things are never gonna be the same,

Things are never gonna be the same,

Never gonna be the same.

Where I am in life

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Thu, 13 Mar 2014 14:06:00 +0000

I used to be the type of girl who would go out every weekend and every day when I am in a long distant relationship - even if it was for a short while. Go out and party, have some fun and enjoy myself with a lot of alcohol and dancing on the weekends. Though, that person isn't me anymore.

Let me set the scene here. I have been in a few different long-term relationships pretty much since I was 17 - of course with short breaks in between... Regardless of what people say, I have always loved being in a relationship. I know, this is subjective to various people but honestly, I don't care if you judge.

I don't know if the "new me" or the "current me" means that I think I have found "the one". By the way - this may be crazy for me to read back in a few years time if we have broken off and gone our separate ways.

The new or current me seems to be the type of girl who doesn't care if she has no one else to hang out with every single day. She doesn't feel lonely and isn't needy at the same time. She has found balance in her social life, her work life, personal life and her relationship. She is happy and content with life. She has goals and dreams. Couldn't ask for anything more really. She doesn't feel insecure anymore and doesn't see the point of being insecure.

Insecure. Isn't that a funny thing? Deep down I used to be a very competitive person even if I didn't show it. I used to be jealous of people who were better than me - this included the people that were closest to me. I used to feel excited or happy when I did better than other people. But now, I am so much more focused on being competitive to myself. On wanting and working hard to improve myself. This didn't involve anybody else anymore. I don't need to impress because I know I'm good, I'm worth it, I am doing my best.

As lovely as it all sounds, it doesn't mean I think I am perfect.

As per usual, I side track so much - back to the topic. So the new me doesn't feel like she needs to go out and hang with her friends when her boyfriend isn't around. She used to want to go out because she felt she wanted to show him she was fine when she wasn't. She wanted to get lost in her world because she hated the idea of waiting at home for him - like waiting for him to call or to answer his damn phone when you tried to call. She hated texting... and besides, the real thing of him being physically there was always better. She was clingy, she felt the need to call him, she felt insecure, she was... crazy. I admit, I must have been crazy.

Thankfully I have freed myself from all of this drama. I've changed so much since. I don't just have myself to thank. I have to thank the person who has made me the better person. The person who treats me right despite our differences. I am happy to be here with him at this point in life and think that I can only improve more from here. I know my worth and I have confidence. I have grown to be exactly who I had hoped and wanted to be. I just wanted to share this with you all.

Dancing

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 10:40:00 +0000

I'm sure we all have tried many things in life - learning the guitar or the piano, joining choir, training in tennis, learning a new language... but how many of these skills become something we are so passionate about to be able to take it to the next levels of our lives? are we just people that drop commitments when it comes to work, study or having reached a particular level until we are sick of it?

I look back and wonder to myself, if I could make choices for myself throughout my life with my current maturity and experience in life, would I allow myself to take a different path which would subjectively make me more happy? I'm not expecting to change anything and I most certainly do not wish to turn back time or regret in any sense, but sometimes I wonder, why did I make certain decisions in life?

I have played the piano for approximately 10 years. That's almost half of my life. I cannot decide still, whether I am passionate about it or not. I still love piano music and love playing piano, but I know for a fact that the passion isn't enough since I have stopped for 6 years now. Sometimes I wonder if I should pick it up again, but is this only because I feel that it is a wasted skill? That isn't really a good reason to pick it up again. As a kid and a teenager, what made me persist? was it passion? or was it purely to be responsible by committing?

I have recently picked up hip hop dancing. I have only just realised how much was out there. The dance world to me was very alien initially, but something about it felt so comforting and so reassuring in my moments of doubt in life whilst dancing. Amazingly I cannot tell you how much I am loving it. I have taken various classes and have trained often to pick up different dance levels. I have been trying open classes which at times hit or miss as to how well I can cope. In the end, it isn't even about coping or keeping up. It is about what you get out of it in the end, for yourself - and this time.. nobody else. Every experience counts and more of these experience accumulates. I have seen improvements in myself. I find it fascinating how the body remembers moves/choreographies and how once a choreography is memorised, the detailing and personal flavours can emerge so naturally. This is something that, without dancing, I would have never known. Sure, I could watch it on TV and be inspired by the dancers, but I don't know how hard they train, I don't know how the learning process works... In so many ways it amazes me and allows me to appreciate it more.

I do see many correlations between dance and the piano though. The way your brain remembers where your fingers should move to and when you don't even have to look at the scroll anymore you realised that you are prepared to play the music to add your own touch and not concentrate on what to "follow".

I don't know what it is about dancing that allows so many emotions and thoughts that it takes away other stress and everything else that is happening from my world of reality. Perhaps that's what is so comforting. I have always loved music - I sing, I dance and I play instruments. I have learnt the piano, the guitar and have attended a couple of choir groups in my life. I wonder, why now, why now am I learning dance?

Being opened up to the world of dance I have learnt to appreciate it too. I sometimes wonder, what if it was hip hop that I took instead of the piano? Might have had something to do with having a chinese family that it was an ideal thing to do... dancing probably wouldn't have made it. In fact, there was a small dancing culture in Darwin at the time I was in high school. Nothing such as hip hop or any performance groups that I was aware of. Maybe I was just never exposed to it till now when I decided I needed and wanted a new hobby, something to take my mind off the troubled times.

searching for the way...

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 10:33:00 +0000

It's been a while. I'm at a point in my life where I really do not know what I want. I start to wonder, does anybody? I flew all the way here to freshen up and figure things out but I feel like there is no answer out there.

All this time, I have been so certain of myself, saying "This is the plan, this is what I want to do..." - but at the end of the day, is this what I really want? how do I know this is what I want when I have never owned it and never experienced it? All this while my mentality has been this - get good grades, graduate high school, study uni, graduate uni, find a job in this field, buy a car, buy a house, get married and have kids. Is that what most people expect? is this the ideal life? why is it that I think this is what I should want and what I should have?

Are we all carrying false expectations? are we all working so hard for the ideal life which at the end of the day has nothing to do with how happy with are? I wonder if people are actually that happy if they have all of that.

Do we actually know what is good for us? we can hardly grasp our rational thoughts when emotions take over. Take love for example - We want love, the feeling is great, therefore it is good for us; but logically speaking, we can't just look at the person we have fallen for, there are many other factors - do they have to be the type able to support us? realistically? do they have to get along with our family? do they have to be someone that loves you back?

I don't know. Maybe over time you learn to grow out of your fantasy world and know that you cannot expect too much and not to follow others expectations. Judgements and the media in our social society creates a model for the life we should live. Really though, we are making decisions and choosing things in life for ourselves and nobody else. Live the life you want to live and start doing what you want.

My Distorted World

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 10:25:00 +0000

He is so funny and so good at what he does I couldn't resist and wanted to hide my flaws to him. I was guilty as a matter of fact to deliberately have done the things I did. We exchanged numbers and we messaged one another it was like the biggest dream coming true in reality. I have had a crush on him for ages and he finally comes to Australia, one of the awesome b-boys who I never thought I'd meet, which is why it made it even harder to believe. - sounds like a teenage crush huh?

Meanwhile I was facing fears of a chaotic life. My friend and I went through zombies and hell, fighting our way through an isolated passage way up onto the escalators. It was a family? with messed up blonde hair and unrecognisable features. I didn't know what I was facing but as they started to pull my arms, legs and clothes, I didn't know what it want but I knew I wanted to get out. After all the shoving and pushing we finally escaped and we did not realise that the next time we went through they were "art sculptures" on seats. "What the hell are they doing there?" I thought to myself. I told everybody I knew that they are demons and things that are not to be kept but nobody believed me, they said it was all in my mind. My friend and I desperately tried to communicate this but nothing and not a single soul on this living planet believed us.

Meanwhile, with all the fuss going on I realised I had missed 9 text messages from "the dancer" I met in his workshops. I was conflicted, he was definitely not the type I had gone for in the past and is definitely a playboy, but what was so attractive about it all? what made me want to reply or see when he would reply or even when we were both online that made it so exciting and my heart pounding? was it because he was a celebrity? yeah right, like I would ever meet him... in my dreams.

Yep, all of the above was in a four hour "nap". Can you even believe that this is going through my mind right now? I have had dreams. Really random dreams. Three sleeps in a row. What is really keeping me up and keeping my mind at ease?

conflicted.

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 05:27:00 +0000

Last night, my dream allowed me to live and breathe a situation. I had an argument with J, he left me at the shops and I knew it was the end of it. I relived the moment of someone living me, someone I truly cared for, something I didn't want to go. I was honestly shattered... my heart felt hurt, my tears started to build up, I tried to pretend nothing had happened... I wanted to cry but I didn't... it was... really upsetting.

Whilst this was a dream... it made me realise how important all this is to me... what we have, what I want to last... but I'm so conflicted... I don't know what to do from here on.

Two New Years Resolution

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 19:09:00 +0000

Considering I will have NOTHING to do in Adelaide, my new years resolution list has 2 main things:

1. Apply for all job opportunities available.
I need a job! nothing is worse that being broke, so I would really have to get a move on with life as soon as possible and get some money to keep me financially stable. I will apply for as many jobs as possible that will suit me and avoid jobs where I'd be in the position of possibly being robbed or stabbed (e.g. I would not work in a petrol station or a video store and probably not dodgy stores that open till late in Elizabeth or Salisbury)

2. Train daily so that my time and energy is used at the gym (sorry for the awful quality and the size).
Basically my main training plan begins on the 15th of January since that's when I get back to Adelaide! I have listed the programs I would undertake at those times and will hopefully stick to it and not be lazy or slack off. (will set a reminder to write a blog post on the 20th to let you know how I've done)

Why do I do the things I do?

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Thu, 27 Dec 2012 14:49:00 +0000

I suppose I'd begin asking myself this question, is it always me who feels as though the relationship could end without me feeling much pain at all? If its too tough and it hurts so much, would it be easier to give up on it? Or is that just purely a selfish act? But forcing yourself to stay with this person, does that mean you're being irrational? Sometimes I don't even know how I feel or what I want. Perhaps it's a way of defending myself, to become less involve and less naive as I once was.

Second, I'm both hot and cold, it confuses me. I'm not cold because I'm annoyed at him or don't want to be attached. Sometimes though, I am cold because I choose to do what I shouldn't because I feel taken for granted or misunderstood. Sometimes it is a way of seeking attention?

Honestly, I care and I don't understand why I do the things I do. Whilst these are unsolved reactions, I feel happy and lucky when I am with him even though these feelings and thoughts exist.

Disturbing dream

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 14:34:00 +0000

As you may know.... I have always been a believer in dreams, what they tell you about yourself and how you feel. I dreamt this morning when I woke up and fell back asleep. The dream was very disturbing and now I can't help but to worry what it meant. I have had a similar dream before but I hope it doesn't mean what I think it means. All in all j and I have been together for exactly a year yesterday. Whilst I complained we didn't do anything on the exact day but rather fine dining... I felt as though it isn't enough. It isn't enough for me to be obsessed and in love with him the way I used to. I am in love... I'm just not crazy over it anymore. Exchanging gifts seemed to be casual and lazy. Lately we've been having many arguments and I guess it stems from me being tired and frustrated because I've been unemployed for a month. I feel as though there isn't so much of that spark there anymore. It took this long till we're at comfort stage, where we see each other every single day and are comfortable in each others company. My dream reflected me rebelling this relationship and I realized how much I treasure this if I did him wrong. How much he means to me and how I want to try and keep it together and not do anything to destroy it. Perhaps this is just the downhill in the roller coaster route.... Maybe we will go back up....

April 25th 2011 - disturbing dream. Was a similar dream to what I had dreamt about.

sometimes it's a struggle

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 07:25:00 +0000

Sometimes you stress me out to the point that I don't know what to say to you anymore. Everything I say becomes an attack to you, everything you say becomes something to defend yourself. I am utterly upset and sometimes I try to calm you down which makes it even worse by you denying the fact that you're annoyed at me. I become tired sometimes and question why I even bother putting up with this. Why am I fighting so hard to stay together and put all this effort into it? why is it that everything you do and everything I say becomes something that hurts each other. Frustration and patience becomes a major problem in all that we do. Maybe sometimes it's best to leave, at least for a bit...

The Fall

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Fri, 16 Nov 2012 17:11:00 +0000

Saved as a draft from the 17th of November 2012 - I have finally decided to publish it.

--------------

There are times where we doubt ourselves, uncertain what the future holds, unsure who our real friends are and wish we were that someone else. But the life you're given is who you are and you decide your fate. Drowning in self pity is the form of someone weak, someone who can no longer fight and someone who let their guard down only to be further drowned in this pool of self pity.

I cannot be like this, I need to stand strong, I shall not be defeated.

This is a battle, a war, a way to fight for more as I struggle in this pain and emptiness I feel.

When I found out I had been excluded from the exhibition I felt as though my world has been crushed... I thought of complaining, of begging and even giving up hope on everything I have done up until this point. I don't understand... And what's the use when you feel as though your tutor has something against you, design is subjective, so subjective. How do we even judge what is good and what is bad anymore? How can an overall positive feedback and walking out of your final presentation, happy with what you've done become the idea of all false hope?

What a great way to end my five years of study. I cried out loud when I read the email, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I was angry and upset... No, no words could describe how I felt at that point... I was disappointed, unease and utterly disturbed. I came to eventually realise that, at least I passed. Perhaps this final presentation is somewhat like a TER... It's something so major, though in the end, it's nothing at all. As I started to pull myself together these points began to come together for me. Perhaps it was just an achievement in life and my ego. I didn't want to let people around me nor myself down. Perhaps I've always been a high achiever, I've had a job before everyone else.... I've started too high only to fall so hard down low.

It's funny how people are sometimes... I honestly know that it's no big deal, but why am I consciously avoiding? Wanting to hide and catch a plane home... Hide from everyone. Wanting to be away from this place and everyone that surround me.

I am however, no longer in self pity but with the mindset of proving people wrong. I am moving on with the next part of my life. I've worked on several job applications for hours as opposed to going out with friends to have fun. I am constantly searching for suitable positions as I know I cannot live without feeling appreciated for my living on this earth... I also have bigger issues to deal with - financial difficulty. I've supported myself through most of my studies. I am now stuck though... With no job and no income. At least I feel another side of desperation coming out of me and becomes my drive forward. My new goal and aim in life for now.

Sometimes I'm so busy, I forget about blog writing. Whilst its really personal information, I feel as though it helps to write everything out and to thoroughly analyse it like a report afterwards. It's meaningful to look back on several posts to see how much I've improved.

Even though I was feeling a little uncertain of myself and lost, I have understood myself better through this act of writing. I no longer doubt myself and realise that I already know, deep within me that I have automatically done things in life to keep me going, by understanding it I realized this is what my next goal is, this, is the bigger picture.

loneliness

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Sun, 14 Oct 2012 13:48:00 +0000

Sometimes I question if I really want this... why is it that the loneliness makes such a presence at points of my life? wouldn't it just be easier if there was no company to begin with and just deal with the loneliness that I am used to? Is it not just better to be free with no strings attached and things to hold you down? Also, is the grass really always greener on the other side?

Facebook subscription

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 14:25:00 +0000

I have officially unsubscribe from you. The reason I don't use twitter is because I prefer it if our friendship was mutual, none of this following crap. Follow me and I'll follow you, that could work.

.

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Sun, 19 Aug 2012 10:08:00 +0000

Negative emotions linger.. positive emotions stay around for a small period of time, other times I am just empty. What is it that I'm missing?

November 2009...

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 16:32:00 +0000

I thought you were so strong that you can make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
I wish I could talk to you for awhile
I wish I could find a way try not to cry
As time goes by...
...It feels like you're gone too soon
The hardest thing to do is say bye bye

Failing?

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Tue, 24 Jul 2012 14:59:00 +0000

When someone or the whole world thinks you're going to fail, you are the only one left believing you will succeed. Hold on to your dreams and prove them, the world, that you are worth more and you can succeed. Nothing is impossible.

Foolish

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Tue, 24 Jul 2012 08:36:00 +0000

If you play someone like a fool... Eventually they will know.

Someone that you get to know....

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Thu, 19 Jul 2012 13:04:00 +0000

Sometimes he just frustrates me and makes me angry! I cannot stand the way he talks, the way he judges and mostly, the way he argues. To this point I started raising my voice when we fought over something significantly small, my general way of living life. Not only did he just jump to conclusions but he begins to judge. Sure, I am not the most clean person nor hygienic but he really doesn't have to be so critical. The way I was raised, the way I do things... What is he's problem if it works for me? I am glad we are holding off living together for about another 3-4 years because i cannot stand he's behavior. Sure, we fight and argue over little things but I hate being judged on one thing. I am angry, frustrated and so annoyed that I don't even know why. I know this seems to be a fairly hurtful comment but it's only me being logical... What if he finds too much about me that he doesn't like or freaks out about before getting to know the real me? I am honestly probably just a little scared. I am terrible with arguments, I know my flaws. I am very defensive and I am also very critical.. In the heat of the moment I just cannot understand where the other person is coming from. It's like I am all right... But I know, I am never right.. Deep down I know there is something wrong on my end too but I just can't figure it out. What is worse, we are both so alike and things become heated... But maybe that's why we are together, because we are both so stubborn? No, maybe it's because we are similar in the way that we both try hard in life and we both are trying in many things, we are both learning and we have both been through so much.. Sometimes it's like we are complete opposites and that balances everything out, two extremes. No matter what, the good through to the bad I am always smiling because I know he is meant for someone like me and vice versa. I haven't actually felt so close to someone before, where I can freely plan and talk about our future, someone who isn't afraid to commit and someone I really care and deserves me.

Married already?!

noreply@blogger.com (lina) — Thu, 19 Jul 2012 04:31:00 +0000

I can't express how happy I am for this friend of mine. I am not too sure about how it all works but it's pretty interesting. My friend is Lebanese, had lunch with her today and she pretty much told me that she is married already, married religiously. I asked her if that meant she's legally married, she told me she thinks so. However, she is having her ceremony at the end of this year, isn't that strange? like how they do it is that you can't live with someone until you get married. She's someone from my course and the first person I know that is getting married, well the first person I know personally that is getting married. I suppose it excites me so much because I have never been to someone's wedding which I know of.

I don't know what to think of it but I'm really happy for her, even though the way I would choose to be married in my time of life is very different from hers. I suppose it's sort of hoping for that stability before settling down with someone, getting something permanent which I hope I will one day. Sometimes it's not even just about something permanent but something that I enjoy and am passionate about, preferably architecture.