Diabolical Kids from the Corn

2-0

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Sun, 23 May 2010 19:00:00 +0000

Either/Or Moral Dilemmas

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 20:59:00 +0000

Here’s a little test for the Ambush. What follows is a list of lose/lose scenarios and you need to choose the lesser of two evils. Each question is an "Either/Or" conundrum. There is no third option or loophole…including suicide. The BT do not condone suicide…well unless you’re REALLY annoying, or if you run a really lame blog. Anyway, on to the situations. Take your time, think about it, feel free to ask your friends. We will post the correct answers next week.

Situation #1: (We’ll start you out with an easy one!) Who would you rather get hit on by at a bar? EITHER a gay man, OR a drunk, fat chick?

Situation #2: If both had a heart attack right in front of you at the same time, who would you give Mouth to Mouth to? EITHER Charlie Weis, OR Larry Flynt?

Situation #3: Which beer would you rather drink? EITHER Coors Light with the blue mountain cold indicator, OR some kind of fruit (like Raspberry) flavored beer?

Situation #4: Which would you rather do? EITHER spend 24 hours in a federal "pound me in the ass prison" (where the rumor is you’re a child molester), OR blow your best friend?

Situation #5: Which would you rather watch? EITHER "Roadhouse" on basic cable (without the nudity), OR a two-hour video of morbidly obese people getting sponge baths?

Situation #6: Which product would you rather use in public? EITHER a Blue-tooth Hands free headset, OR an incredibly phallic "neck" massager?

Situation #7: Which would you rather do? EITHER sing the national anthem at Fenway Park naked, OR lick your dog’s genitals?

Situation #8: Which would you rather drink? EITHER your own urine, OR an entire bottle of turbo-lax?

Situation #9:Who would you rather spend 24 hours with? EITHER Terrell Owens, OR Courtney Love?

Situation #10: Which would you rather do? EITHER be the best man at Lindsey Lohan’s wedding, OR take second place in the Iowa City "C" league softball tournament?

Does P stand for Patton?

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 14:31:00 +0000

Sorry Ambush, as we have not posted in a while. We have been too busy polishing our skills before heading into the playoffs. Tonight, we have a very tough game against one of our arch nemesis, the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Celsius Softball team. Out of nowhere, we received this rousing e-mail from our elder statesmen, EP:

"There are three reasons why we are playing this game. The first is because we are determined to preserve our traditional liberties. Some crazy Celsius dudes decided they were supermen and that it was their holy mission to rule the softball world. They've been pushing people around all over the league, looting, killing, and abusing millions of innocents. They were getting set to do the same thing to us. We have o fight to prevent being subjugated.

The second reason we are playing is to defeat and wipe out the douchers who started all this god damned son-of-bitchery. They didn't think we could or would fight, and they weren't the only ones who thought that, either. There are certain people in Coralville who had the same idea. Both were wrong.

The third reason we are playing is because men like to play softball They always have and they always will. Some sophists and other crackpots deny that. They don't know what they're talking about. They are either god damned fools or cowards, or both. Men like to play softball, and if they don't they're not real men.

If you don't like to play softball, CW doesn't want you around. You'd better get out before he kicks you out. But there is one thing to remember. In softball, it takes more than the desire to play to win. You've got to have more than guts to lick the enemy. You must also have brains. It takes brains and guts to win softball games. A man with guts but no brains is only half a baller.

We licked the 5 year olds with sticks and BWW because we had brains as well as guts. We're going to lick them for the same reason.

That's all and good luck."

15 July 2009

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 19:56:00 +0000

A day that will live in infamy. Lear Hawk 9 - Bayside 4.

I will never mention this day again.

10,000 BT

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 17:36:00 +0000

Hey big news Ambushers, we have reached over 10,000 hits on our wicked awesome site. This is quite an accomplishment and was achieved in a little less than six months. According to the stats we have received visitors from 60 different countries. Apparently we are quite appealing to Canadians, Mexicans & Finlandans (or is it Finlanders) as they are the folks that spend the most time on our site from foreign countries.

As far as our great country goes we have received hits from every state but Vermont. I don't know what the deal is with those Vermonters we like maple syrup, socially conscious ice cream and gay marriage. Obviously we are most popular in the great state of Iowa with over 3,500 hit from here. The next top visitors are from Illinois, California & New York. The Ambush is spreading throughout this great nation and around the world.

The site that has referred us most is sadly Cyclonefanatic.com and all because they were so mad about the truth we dropped on them about Jamie Pollard. Hey Cyclone fans go to Google & type in: Jamie Pollard Visionary and let me know what comes up number one.

Google's top searches for us are obvious ones like bayside tigers, bayside tigers softball, bunt pirates, celsius softball & diabolical kids. There are a couple that have us confused though: blue duece is created by eat blue corn chips, how short can your hair be to have a perm, underaged kids get baged by man & wet speedo kids. Obviously those last two are especially concerning & confusing. For the record no one on the Bayside Tigers even likes kids, ever.

Well that's the update from our far from humble website. We intend to continue being awesome and sharing the love.

Good luck out there - BT

Who Wants Chicken?!

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 17:02:00 +0000

Your beloved Bayside Tigers are on one of their patented runs to the championship again. We have strung together four wins in a row and have gone from 6th to 3rd place in 3 weeks. We're coming for you Firehouse & Lear Hawk.

Last week we were visitors for a record 38th straight game. We used that to our advantage by jumping on the chicken slinging boys from Buffalo Wild Wings from the get go. We scored 3 in the first & 3 in the second. Turns out that would have been enough as they could only muster 4 runs against our steel trap of a defense. The final score was 17-4 or something like that. It's hard to remember because I drink so much celebratory beer after each game.

Highlights of the game included 2 tomahawk bombs by Brett, a 1-5-2-6 double play administered by us, Dad got thrown out trying to stretch a single into a double, Hunnel made an amazing diving catch in RCF, Unit didn't tag on a fly & T-Money missed the cut off man.

We are preparing to play Lear Hawk this week in a game that will determine if we are contenders or pretenders. Last time we played them they loaded up with 3 D1 athletes that I recognized. They had better bring 3 more this time if they want to have a chance because we are tuned up and ready to roll.

Here is a little something to get the team juiced up...

Filthily The Bayside Tigers

Bring Your Kids To The Park Day!

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 02:18:00 +0000

Hey kids, we have good news to report. We are on a bender of epic proportions, relatively speaking of course. Since our last update we have won three games in a row. Taking out the fun loving Bunt Pirates, the incredibly outmatched 5 Year Olds With Sticks & the intollerable pant-wearing Celsius Softball boys.

We'll start with an update from two weeks ago when we took on the Bunt Pirates. This game was a snoozefest as they didn't bring their illegal pirate bat & we didn't bring any bats. Luckily for us we did bring the leather & managed to squeek out a 5-4 win. The game went into the 7th inning tied as we came to bat. We were down to our last out when Nick got us started with a single, Brett then took a walk & Dad singled to drive in the go ahead run. Finally we strapped on the leather and shut them out for the win.

Last week we first took on 5 Year Olds With Sticks. This is not meant to be demeaning but they are possibly the worst team ever assembled. Wait, that was pretty demeaning. Truth hurts fellas. Anyway we managed to beat them 17-2 by swinging at nearly every terrible pitch that was thrown our way. I hope that they get better before the season ends or someone on their team may get decapitated by a line drive. Our biggest challenge in this game was keeping Global's baby entertained.

Then we took on our nemesis Celsius Softball. We jumped on them early and kept the pressure on the entire game. They managed to stay in the game by being selective hitters. Vin had some control issues and the "manliest" team in our league tried to walk their way to a win. You gotta swing the bats to win the game gentlefriends. We were up 16-11 going into the bottom of the last inning when the Celsius boys strung together a bunch of walks to tie the game up. We were not discouraged and put 3 more runs in their faces the following inning and they went down with a whimper but not before trying to take some more walks. In the end we pulled out the 19-16 win.

There are many funny highlights a BT enjoys seeing during a game. From the usual Brett hump of the dugout fence after a homerun or EP tripping over himself running the bases. That said, nothing tops when our awesomeness inflicts itself upon members of the opposing team. It was never so apparent, than during an epic tantrum by the Celsius pitcher. On a gritty play by Hunnel where he went from 1st to 3rd, their throw kicked into the dugout allowing him & T-Money to both score. This misfortune sparked an eruption from Mount Angry Pitcher, as he attempted his best Carlos Zambrano meltdown. Debate engulfed the BT dugout of which was more entertaining, the fact he threw his glove into the ground like an angry baby or his Pele'esque soccer kick of the softball. It was a sight to behold.

Keep getting wet out there!
Your Bayside Tigers

Please, Please Gifts Aren't Required

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 16:22:00 +0000

As we near our inevitable championship, a lot of people have been asking what they should get us as gifts to celebrate the event. First, gifts are not necessary…cash is fine. But if you insist on buying something and wrapping it up, well then here are some ideas that would be appropriate for any and all of the BT.

1. A copy of The Boz: Confessions of a Modern Day Anti-Hero by Brian Bosworth. Yes, I know we all have copies, but they tend to get worn out.

2. Any t-shirt that features a wolf and the American flag. BT’s dress well and we like to send a message to the ladies about our virility. Nothing says, “I want to party” like a super cool wolf T-shirt. Also, please buy them a size small, they’re better when they’re tight!

3. Since Alabama has had to vacate several NCAA football wins over the last couple years it’d be pretty cool if you bought us one. C’mon everything’s for sale. It doesn’t have to be a big win…maybe just a win against Ole Miss or someone like that!

4. A DVD of “Roadhouse” because as I’ve said before, watching it on cable is like watching soft-core gay porn. Rumor has it that certain members of the BT insist on watching it on AMC…c’mon Ambush…help a brother out!

5. A copy of Lesbian For Dummies: Highlighted Pocket Edition by Robyn Paul. Might be handy to have in your pocket at the bar when you’re trying to convince two chicks to make out. Also, there is a companion book that would be good to have too, Sushi For Dummies. (Seriously, go to Amazon.com, search for “softball for dummies” and those are two of the alternatives listed.)

6. A super cool lime green sport watch. Nothing better if you need to check the time during a softball game!

7. A date with Lindsey Lohan. I mean seriously, what’s a guy gotta do? Listen, we play softball on Wednesday nights. Have her meet me there. Or, better yet, have her meet me at Old Chicago afterwards. I’ll be the sweaty guy in the orange T-shirt. (Speaking of Old Chicago, on my way out the other night an ultra-granola chick stops me. She’s got the blonde dread-locks working and has obviously sworn off deodorant…cuz it’s not good for the environment or some shit...but let me tell you, her BO wasn’t helping the air quality at Old Chicago. Anyway, she asks me if I know a place in town that has a good salad bar. Really? Do I LOOK like a guy who knows where there’s a good salad bar? I’m not sure I’d know a good salad bar if it were squirming on my face! Seriously, you walk into a place that proudly advertises that it serves 110 different kinds of beer (including some kind of really gay RASPBERRY beer…No China Wall I haven’t forgotten) at 9:30pm and you ask a fat, sweaty, bald guy in an orange t-shirt with the Official Seal of Awesomeness emblazoned on the front, if he knows where there’s a good salad bar and you expect him to have an answer? You might as well have asked Charlie Weis where the next Weight Watchers meeting was being held!)

8. A copy of O’s Big Book of Happiness, by Oprah Winfrey. Oprah Winfrey is the motivating force behind the BT’s ’09 title run…she made Dr. Phil a star and she’s going to make us champions…really…I’m not kidding.

9. A matching set of jean shorts for all the BT’s. Nothing says “Softball Dominance” like a sweet pair of jean shorts. Please, make sure you don’t get the pre-washed-worn-in kind…we want the real dark blue babies.

10. A Blue-Tooth Headset. BT’s simply do not have the time to open a cell phone device and then place it to our ear. Nope. We don’t. We need to keep our hands free…for stuff…cuz we’ve all got REALLY important jobs and we’ve got to…or I mean we don’t have to…Frick! Why do we need these? I hate those frickin things and all people who use them. Cell phones are annoying enough, but these things take the cheesecake. They’re like Douche-bag-tags! A BT doesn’t need help or a prop to make us look like douche-bags…it kinda comes naturally. In fact, if you EVER see a BT wearing a Blue-Tooth headset, do me a favor and kick him really hard where his balls should be.

Look for an update on recent results soon. Your Tigers are making a move.

Love - BT

Hey Bunt Pirates

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 02:17:00 +0000

Holy Split! It Happened Again

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 00:05:00 +0000

In an easily predicted turn of events we split another double header. This brings our record to a dismal 2-3. Not to worry though Ambushers because the bats came to life last night. Also another glimmer of hope is that the team that beat us used an illegal bat the entire game and only beat us 16-11. We'll discuss those dirty Bunt Pirates later, first let's bask in the glow of our destruction of the Enforcers.

The hits came early and often against the young team of Enforcers. Highlights of the game included a grand slam by Nick & a traffic disrupting bomb by Brett. China Wall did some magic by moving our consummate number ten hitter into the two hole. Brett repaid the move by going 78 for 78 with 1000 RBI's (I think that is an accurate tally, I'll check Wikipedia later).

The Enforcers on the other hand took the approach of "everyone gets a walk" which is a relatively weak idea in the world of rec league softball. In the end they took a few walks, plated a few runs and the final score was approximately 25-10 & it wasn't even that close. I liked the Enforcers though as they were good sports and they'll be good in another 12 years when they become grizzled and swarthy like us.

Game two brought an immediate onslaught of crushing hits from a group of guys the looked as athletic as their name the Bunt Pirates describes. EP noted immediately that he thought that they were using an illegal bat but a catcher that shall remain unnamed refused to ask the ump to take a look at their bat. We managed to hang tough the entire game & the bash brothers part two, Nick & Brett, crushed another pair of dongs in this game. In the end we lost 16-11 and didn't cheat. At least I slept well last night knowing that fact or maybe it was just the post game beer. Either way the Tigers split another effin double header and we are really digging ourselves a hole early in this season.

Post game we shook the Old Chicago routine and listened to some soothing karaoke at Charlie's Bar & Grill. Numerous beers were consumed, Jason made the x-rated wings his bitch & of course many buck were hunted. *Note to karaoke singing dude at the bar, you know who you are - You should never sing again. Perhaps even give up talking just in case someone accidentally thinks you are singing.*

One final thing, my future best Internet friend Michelle hasn't responded to me yet. Keep your fingers crossed. If all goes well, I see some knitted bat coozies coming our way.

Until we meet again - The Bayside Tigers

Oh The Huge Manatee!

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 16:58:00 +0000

Well friends, it was a long/short night at the Hawkeye Softball Complex for your Bayside Tigers. We looked like Tinker stuck under that stuffed bear by the end of this debacle. We managed to last 5 innings which lasted approximately 28 minutes and the game ended in a tooth rattling knockout. My head still hurts too much to even remember the score...something like 72 - 4. Sweet Jesus we sucked bag last night. On the bright side no one died and I got to touch Ed Hinkle's ass once. We are also one week closer to the return of the mighty Global & the two guys that wore the collar last week managed to go a combined 4 for 4.

The game started nicely on the defensive end. Both teams got the lead-off hitter on only to strand him on the base paths in the first inning. We politely delined to score again in the second inning. Apparently Lear Hawk didn't get the memo about making this the longest scoreless game in the history of Iowa City softball and they plated 4 runs in the bottom of the inning.

Top of the third is when we got crazy with the bottom of our line-up. 8-9-10 Strung together a single & back to back doubles to score 2 runs. Things looked like they were setting up for a big inning then the baserunning bug struck again. Brett tagged up on a shallow fly ball to center and scored easily...we thought. The ump ruled that he didn't touch home and that turned into double play that deflated our spirits faster than finding out you have the herp.

Over the next two innings Lear Hawk treated us like a Charlie Weis would treat a box of Bavarian cream pies (that means they ate us up). They banged in 11 more runs while we returned to our effort to go scoreless (mission accomplished). The game was then mercifully called and we are left with just one question.

Are we too legit to quit?

Tune in next week to find out.

Love - El Tigres

Hey Lear Hawk... There's a Storm Coming

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 15:54:00 +0000

Week 2 is upon us and we are preparing to take on Lear Hawk. We're not familiar with them but a quick Internet search (thanks again Wikipedia) has helped us find out that Lear is some type of Shakspearian king that makes a bunch of bad decisions and everyone ends up dead in the end & that Hawk is a crime busting television series from the 60's starring Burt Reynolds.

Quick goat thinking leads me to believe this game should be a cake walk. I mean seiously, who comes up with this stuff? Lear Hawk...Why not just name yourself Smokey & The Jonestown Massacre? You get Burt Reynolds & bad decisions with dead people and it's way catchier. More importantly we are the Bayside Tigers and we are wicked awesome. That alone should put us over the top.

The only thing that concerns me is that the game is at 9:00 which means some of us might be drunk before the game starts. Ha! What am I saying. I'd be concerned if we weren't drunk before the game. Best of luck on Wednesday David Carradine Ball Run you're gonna need it.

Another big promotion this week is the first person to chat with us about the blog on Wednesday evening gets a hug from the moistest first baseman in the league, China Wall. Good luck kids!

The Curse Continues...

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 13:12:00 +0000

A-hoy, Ambush.

At long last your beloved Bayside Tigers took the battlefield last Wednesday for a season-opening double-header. Seating was scarce at the Hawkeye Softball Complex as fans are believed to have waited overnight for the best bleacher seats. Ticketmaster could not be reached for comment but it has been rumored box seats sold faster than Miley Cyrus tickets at a pedophile convention.

Alas, things did not go well for the Tigers in game one as they squared off against Firehouse Lawn Care and their ever-talkative, gregarious middle-aged pitcher. Playing one man down as Nick served his league-mandated one game suspension, the Tigers put up a "valiant" effort but came up short. A steady diet of well-placed junk and friendly banter kept the Jungle Warriors off-balance most of the game. Only five Tigers reached base and when they did, they were immediately done in by double-plays and some wickedly stupid base running by team manager and sparkplug, China Wall.

Mercifully, the game was halted after six as the Tigers fell victim to the 10 run rule.

The night was not completely lost as the Tigers were able to rebound in the nightcap of the doubleheader against a feisty but ultimately over-matched Buffalo Wild Wings squad. Bayside, playing as the home team, jumped out to an early lead in the bottom of the first as the first three men to the plate came around to score. After lead-off singles by Vandemonium and Tracy (looking very J-Crew in his signature Khakis), Nick made his return to the lineup and brought the two speedsters home with a double to right center field. OT followed with a double of his own two batters later to spot the Tigers a 3-0 lead.

The B-Dub-Three boys came back over the next few innings despite a strong outing on the mound by Vin. As the bottom of the fifth rolled around, the mighty cats found themselves staring at a 5-3 deficit. Once again, Mr. Khaki provided the spark the sluggish Bayside bats needed with a hot-shot single up the middle. Nick approached the plate and jumped on the first pitch he saw, launching a 275 foot blast that bounced off the top of the fence, landing just over the center field wall. China Wall followed with a stinging line drive two-bagger (not to be confused with his favorite party trick) that nearly put a hole through the chain link in left field and was brought home by OT's second double of the game.

With Bayside clinging to a 6-5 lead, the chicken slingers refused to go away. They threatened in the top of the sixth before the Tigers' turned their team-record third double-play of the evening to get Vin out of a rare jam. It was then that the Kings of the Congo decided to wake their bats the f*%# up ( incidentally , the Tigers resorted back to their five year-old lead bats due to one of two things: A) Our fabulous Easton bats are not yet broken in , or B) In some awkward ploy to bring down the Tigers, Gorman hijacked the mail truck delivering said Easton bats and replaced them with dead ones.) Vin singled, Brett took the first three pitches of his career to draw a walk, Van, Tracy, Nick and Chris singled, OT doubled and when all was said and done the Tigers were up 12-5.

The fowl furnishers put up a couple of garbage runs in the bottom of the seventh but the boys in orange (did you know no other word in the English language rhymes with "orange?" Check Wikipedia) closed the game out and reigned victorious once more.

Once again, the Achilles heal of the Tigers prevailed, as the team of out of shape thirty-somethings is simply not built for double headers . If nothing else, Bayside proved to have the gnarliest jerseys in the league, at least they look pretty losing! Wait….

Check out your favorite B league softball team as they roar back into action next week against Lear Hawk at 9:00 p.m. First twenty fans in the gate have the opportunity to warm up with the Tigers!

So until next time stay wet...

Much Love - The Bayside Tigers

The Only Thing That Could Hold Us Down: Rain

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Thu, 28 May 2009 14:02:00 +0000

Well I'm sorry to say our 2009 debut will have to wait until next week. The rain on Tuesday apparently made the field too mushy. Since we don't have anything awesome to write for the recap here is the next best thing.

TO: Nick
FROM: Jeff , Program Supervisor
DATE: August 14, 2008
RE: Player Ejection Notice

Due to your unsportsmanlike conduct during the Bayside vs. Zambini Brothers game on August 13, 2008, you normally would have been suspended for your next Wednesday CC League game. Since the season is now concluded, you will be suspended from your next game in a Recreation Division league. Please inform me as to your next team's name and league playing in so we can take the appropriate action. The rules that cover your actions are stated below:

Anyone ejected from a game for any of the following reasons will be suspended for the next game and could be suspended for a longer period of games, the remainder of the season, or a permanent suspension from all activities conducted at any time by the Parks & Recreation Department:

A. Unduly questioning or disputing a judgment call(s).

B. Profanity, obscene gestures, or disparaging remarks on the field, bench area or surrounding area.

C. Unsportsmanlike conduct.

If an individual is ejected from a second game in the same league, he/she will be suspended from that league for the remainder of the season, including tournament play.

If three (3) participants (players, managers and coaches are considered participants) from the same team are ejected in the same game, the game is over and will be declared a forfeit to the other team.

This behavior will not be tolerated by the Iowa City Parks and Recreation Department. Any additional unsportsmanlike conduct displayed by you in any Parks and Recreation league (basketball, softball, football, dodge ball, volleyball) will result in a more severe suspension.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at the Recreation Division Office.

We do not dispute that Nick should have been tossed. We just wanted you guys to have full disclosure. So until Nick gets back we'll just have to wait...

That guy is awesome!

Love - The Bayside Tigers

24 Burning Questions

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Sun, 24 May 2009 18:45:00 +0000

The Internet is a bottomless pit of knowledge! What a bunch of crap! Maybe a bottomless pit of USELESS knowledge! I cannot find the answers to some real questions! So, I am going to use the vehicle of awesomeness that is bayside-tiger.com and put the question to the AMBUSH! Feel free to chime in with answer to any or all of these questions…cuz I really am dying to know the answers!

1. Is Erin Andrews hot because she’s hot…or is she hot because she likes sports and spends most of her time holding a phallic symbol close to her mouth?

2. Why do people insist on drinking flavored beers? Beer IS a flavor…and likely the best one!

3. Why are roads always wet in movies?

4. Does it look gay when I passionately lick the butter off corn on the cob before I eat it?

5. What happened to the Cop Car Decepticon (Barricade) in “Transformers?” Did he just decide to take the battle in the city off or what?

6. Why would anyone draft a quarterback in the first round? Is there a bigger crap-shoot in the world? Basically, you have a 70% chance of paying a guy millions of dollars for sucking…(insert your own joke here). You gotta go line in the first round.

7. How many blades do I really need on my disposable razor in order to get a close shave? How many are we up to…five? Are there scientists locked in a lab somewhere dreaming this crap up? “How are we ever going to top 4 blades? That’s it! We’re done! Mission Accomplished! There is no way we’re ever going to come up with a better idea…than four blades…wait…hang on…this is going to sound crazy….but hear me out…”

8. What the hell is Manfred Mann talking about? How can something be “wrapped up like a deuce?” I’m really confused! Of course not as confused as I was when I was a kid and though he was wrapped up like a douche.

9. Steven Seagal is still starring in movies. Yes, they are direct-to-video “features” on the top shelf at your local video store, but they are still movies. Now, don’t get me wrong…I like “Under Siege” as much as the next guy…especially the birthday cake scene… but that movie came out like 17 years ago! He’s still making like 3-4 movies a year! Here’s what disturbs me… Follow me on my logic here: 1) If he’s starring in movies, then somebody is paying him to star in movies. 2) If somebody is paying him to star in movies, then somebody must be making money off the movies. 3) If somebody is making money off the movies, then somebody must be buying/watching the movies. With me so far? Good. Now here’s the question: WHO THE HELL IS WATCHING THESE STEVEN SEAGAL MOVIES?

10. Okay, so “BLOG” is a contraction or slang term for “web-log.” Hey, cool take a nonsense word, give it a back-story and make it important. I’m onboard 110%! But here’s my question: What the hell happened to the “W” and the “E”? Where did they go? Are they building up in some account somewhere like those half-pennies from “Superman III” and “Office Space”? I’m worried…or should I be ORRID?

11. Why didn’t anyone EVER call the police in the movie “Roadhouse”?

12. What’s with the Coors Light cold activated cans and bottles? Was not being able to tell if your beer is cold really a problem? REALLY? What does this say about the Coors Light demographic? I guess they’re too retarded to use common sense or their brains are too feeble to interpret the complexities of tactile sensation. Coors Light is officially the NON-beer of the BT…Ambush, this goes for you too…NO COORS LIGHT!

13. If the machines in “The Matrix” were so friggin’ smart, how come they never figure out that everybody they flushed out of their pink goo ended up going to Zion and becoming a pain in their ass?

14. Will farts ever cease to be funny?

15. When is Kevin Costner going to get the credit he deserves as a true national treasure? C’mon! Think about it! “The Untouchables,” “No Way Out,” “Bull Durham,” “Field of Dreams,” “Dances with Wolves,” “JFK,” “Tin Cup,” & “Thirteen Days”…ALL CLASSICS! Even some of his bad movies: “Robin Hood,” “Waterworld,” & “The Postman” are entertaining despite their hokey preachyness! Kevin, YOU DA MAN! I shouldn’t be saying this…so just keep it between us…you are being strongly considered for Honorary Bayside Tiger Status!

16. Alicia Sacramone…will you please make your deal with Hef and appear in Playboy?

17. People talk about playing centerfield for the Yankees as one of the “glamour” positions in sport…Really? WHY? Okay, I get DiMaggio and Mantle…I’ll give you those…but who since? Bernie Williams? Good player…maybe even great…but can a man named BERNIE ever be considered glamorous?

18. Who the hell are the Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana, The Cheetah Girls, Raven and Zoey101? Where do these people come from and why are they being forced upon my consciousness? Who do I call to make it stop?

19. Is there anything GAYER than two guys listening to an ipod sharing one pair of earphones?

20. Did Tony Romo make the right choice…Jessica over Carrie?

21. How much of a BAMF is Albert Pujols? How can it be that NOBODY (not even Cubs fans) makes fun of the pronunciation of his last name?

22. So I’m thinking about starting a drug habit. Why, do you ask? Well, first of all, I’ll ask the questions here buddy…but I digress. Drug habit…me. I have a very good reason. I figure my chances of meeting Lindsay Lohan are pretty slim…let’s face it, living in Iowa City may not be helping…I’m not likely to run into her at Brothers, (NOTE TO LINDSAY: You would be likely to run into ME at Brothers…hot waitresses and The High Life…I like it there!) Anyway, back to the drugs! I figure if I get a good habit going, then the next time Lindsay goes into rehab, I go to the same place, we connect, kick the habit together, I bring her to a BT game and the rest is history! Good plan, right?

23. What the hell happened to Gorman? Are he a Charlie Weis locked in a room somewhere plotting the demise of the BT? They’d have a better chance figuring out nuclear fission.

24. Why isn’t there a Vegas line on BT games? Is it because there isn’t anyone stupid enough to bet against us?

It’d be great if you could get back to me on some of these…seriously…stuff like this keeps me up nights.

Let's get blinded by the light...

Your Bayside Tigers

Mail Bag Spawns Official Man List!

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Wed, 06 May 2009 23:31:00 +0000

Well, it’s time for us to answer some fan mail:

Larry from Valders, Wisconsin writes:
“As a man who would like to one day become as awesome as the BT I was wondering if you could give me a little help. You guys are clearly MEN in the finest sense of the word. Could you give your readers some tips on how to be a man among men?”

Larry, that’s a great idea! We should use our wicked awesome manliness to be role models in this world of quasi-men (see-TurningTwo). So here is a list of rules, or guidelines all BTs live by…or strive to live by. I think you’ll find that these rules not only lead to softball dominance, but also a social dominance that is synonymous with AWESOMNESS!

Bayside Tigers Official Man List: PART 1. (Please keep in mind that these are in no particular order…awesomeness is not an exact science)

1. We watch “Roadhouse” unedited with the nudity. Edited and played on basic cable…it’s basically soft-core gay porn.

2. We do not use our cell phones in a public bathroom. There is NO talking in the men’s room. No foot tapping either, but I think that goes without saying! You see, men do not need to verbalize every thought that springs into our heads and therefore 99.99999% of what we’re thinking should not be said aloud anyway…therefore the odds of you having a thought worth expressing while pissing is pretty slim! Talking (or texting) in the can is a chick thing. That’s why women go in herds! Men are solitary animals…it’s science!

3. Either you have facial hair, you are growing facial hair, or you don’t have facial hair. The permanent stubble look is for douche bags with jell in their hair! If you have some kind of electric razor that trims your facial hair to a five o’clock shadow look everyday…throw it out!

4. You do not color your hair for ANY reason. Whatever color your hair grows, that is your color. We also do NOT try to hide our baldness…I’m talking comb-overs here. You’re not fooling anyone! Oh, and if you have a perm, or have ever had a perm…exit this site immediately, go flip over your mattress and cry yourself to sleep you bed-wetting douche bag!

5. We are awesome at softball. (However, we don’t TALK about it…everyone in the world knows it…talking about it would be redundant!)

6. We fill out brackets for the NCAA tournament, watch the Super Bowl, eat meat (in vast quantities), have tools we bought for one job and have never used again, have magazines next to the toilet, can punch in the channel number for ESPN on our remote without looking, can quote from “Caddyshack,” “The Godfather I or II,” “Shawshank Redemption,” and at least one Will Ferrell movie.

7. We will ditch a buddy in a second to get laid. “Bros before Ho’s” sounds kinda gay. Let’s face it, we’ll do just about anything to get laid…cuz you see…it’s fun…WAY funner than hangin out with the guys! Also, NEVER refer to a friendship as a “Bromance!”

8. We do NOT have “second-favorite” sports teams. You have one team per sport and you stick with it for life…sorry Cubs fans.

9. We NEVER comment on, or even NOTICE what other men are wearing! Unless it’s a t-shirt with a smart-assed line on it…then you can give your approval. (Okay, there is another instance when you can make fun of a buddy, if he’s wearing something so ridiculously inappropriate for a given occasion, you may make fun of him for it…like wearing biking shorts when biking, a speedo while swimming or khakis while playing softball.)

10. We carry our weight (fat) above the belt…we do not have FAT NUTS or allow ourselves to have FAT NUTS! A big butt is acceptable…just as long as it stays in the back of your pants.

11. We just don’t talk about our feelings…especially to each other. We don’t actually have feelings other than hunger, thirst and lust so why talk about them…they’re a given. (Another exception is that a BT will occasionally recognize the feeling of constant gratification that comes from knowing how awesome we are…but again, we don’t TALK about it…everyone in the room knows it…talking about it would be redundant!)

12. We bathe, wear deodorant, and brush our teeth regularly…we do not wear cologne, body spray or put any “product” or conditioner in our hair (even if we had any).

13. We can grill anything…steaks, fish, pork, spaghetti…ANYTHING!

14. We do not bring a bag of chocolate to a buddy’s house…EVER!

15. We do not brag about how awesome we are…and irony NEVER escapes us!

16. We do not find our women on the internet…we do as God intended…we sit in bars and wait until we hear the mating call from an acceptable prospect. (The mating call is: “I am soooo drunk!”)

17. A man is not defined by the car he drives…even if it’s an early 90’s Mercury Station wagon that your wife has played bumper cars with. The opposite is true also…just because you have an awesome ride does not make you awesome…in fact, you’re probably the douche bag who takes up two spaces in the parking lot and has the #69 on the back of his softball jersey!

18. Tattoos are a grey area in the man definition. You certainly don’t NEED a tattoo to be a man and I’ve never seen a tattoo enhance someone’s awesomness. However, tattoos CAN be cool…but most often they are douchey. Also, if your tat has some kind of symbolic importance…I don’t want to hear some long story about it. Save it for the chicks. If a guy asks another guy what his tattoo means…he’s most likely making fun of him. Moreover, NEVER, under any circumstances, get a tattoo of a woman’s name…Mothers and Daughters excepted. (No, a Bayside Tiger tattoo is NOT cool…it’s too much like advertising one’s awesomeness and we don’t TALK about how awesome we are…everyone in the world knows it…talking about it would be redundant!)

19. Being drunk is not an excuse…it might be a goal…or a benefit…or even a reason…but you’re still responsible for what (or who) you did. Beer does not make you stupid…you were stupid long before the beer got there. Beer is your friend…it’s always there for you…stop blaming it for shit!

20. Men don’t write checks. There is no earthly reason for a man to carry a checkbook. Get a debit card.

21. A man’s signature should be the only words he knows how to write in cursive! Also, his signature should be signed in 1.74 seconds or less and be completely illegible.

22. A man should know at least one joke that is sexist and demeaning to women. (Please keep in mind that one is the minimum…more is better.)

23. A man has done at least one critically important thing hung over. (If you’ve done A LOT of critically important things hung over you’re not awesome…you’re an alcoholic and you may consider this your intervention.)

24. A man knows who Kaiser Soze, Wally Pipp, Mr. Hand, Moonlight Graham and Fern Liebowitz are. He knows who’s Money and what to eat with fava beans and a nice Chianti. He knows what the Green Monster is, how to make a sticky bomb and whether they were built for speed or comfort. He knows who Luka Brazi sleeps with and what Rocky eats for breakfast. He knows who’d consume the English with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arse. He knows what the tuck rule is, and what the Statue of Liberty play is (unless he’s from Oklahoma). He knows where Zihuatanejo is and what word the Knights Who Say Ni cannot hear.

25. A man also lusts after Lindsay Lohan…okay I may be going rogue here…I think she’s really hot, but that might not be a “man” thing…it might be more of a “me” thing…Lindsay, if you’re reading this (of course you are!), go back to red and call me!

So, Larry, there’s a start. The list is alive and will continue to grow so keep checking back for updates. Please feel free ask any questions regarding this or future lists. Also, we’d be willing to listen to any and all suggestions from the AMBUSH! If your suggestions are good enough, they might make the top 100.

Let's get all Doctor Lovish

Live Once, Get Wet & Then Die...

Your Bayside Tigers

Sorry For The Absence

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 00:42:00 +0000

Sorry Ambushers - We have been on a little hiatus preparing for the season. We will be back in full force shortly. Also please send your prayers out to OT. He blew out his knee, got the clap & was arrested for taking on all comers in the ped mall. Watch for a sweet blog shortly!

Get Wet Everybody!

Getting To Know Vincent Van Slow

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 01:14:00 +0000

1. You are by far the slowest buffalo on the team. How does this make you feel?

Actually, I don’t feel that bad about it…I know I make up for it in other ways…like my lack of power, athleticism and skill. Plus, I don’t think a BT should be judged based on his foot speed, he should be judged (as everyone should) on his relative attractiveness, sports team affiliations and (most importantly) quality of facial hair.

(Author's commentary: But seriously you're really slow.)

2. You are a thespian who hangs out with high school chicks all day. Are you on any lists we should know of?

No, no lists…that you should know of. But seriously, you won’t be laughing when I deliver the "Saint Crispian’s" speech from "Henry V" in one of my pre-game motivational talks!

(Saint Crispian? Love that guy almost as much as Saints Cracklian & Popian.)

3. What is your greatest BT moment?

When I was on second, Global was on first and Brett hit a short single to left. Global and I both jogged to the next base, but Brett rounds first and is heading for home…so naturally he gets caught in a pickle. So, being the good teammate I start hopping off third and draw a throw home and Brett gets back to first safely. Actually, that’s not the greatest moment, the greatest moment was when on this blog (in front dozens of my greatest fans) Brett gave credit for the saving his butt to Van. Thanks buddy!

(Did someone say give me your two greatest moments? Tone it down there Chatty Cathy.)

4. Have you been told you look like the love child of Kevin Youkalis and Willow?

Not since I shaved my head? Weird huh?

(After seeing Youk's wife I'm sure he'd never stray to sack up with Willow.)

5. Name two things you consider yourself to be very bad at besides slow-pitch softball and life.

I’d say being a teacher and husband, but that’s just too obvious! So, I’m going to go with anything having to do with babies…which reminds me, no babies at BT games (they freak me out)…and tolerating stupid people. (Which begs the question, why am I associated with the BT?)

(Uh the Tigers have been described as having stupid mad skillz by the younger set. I assume that's what you were insinuating when referring to the Tigers as stupid?)

6. If you had to choose to root of the Yankees or hit yourself in the nards with a sledgehammer, what would you choose?

Duh! Sledgehammer to the nards. Pain goes away, hatred for the Yankees lasts a lifetime!

(Sledgehammer pain doesn’t go away. You're right though it's still better than being a Yankee fan.)

7. Which one of the current or former Bayside Tiger’s is your favorite?

That’s a tough one, but I’m gonna go with Jessie. She’s hot! "Showgirls" was a big moment in my life!

(Solid answer from a guy that doesn't know any former Tigers.)

8. When was the first time you realized you had reached stardom with the BT’s?

When I was hanging out in the Hy-Vee entryway in front of the picture of Tracy telling people that I play softball with this guy…it was a Tuesday, I know because that’s what I do on Tuesdays…when a college chick walked by and said, "Cool." It was an awesome moment.

(Sweet, I knew college chicks would love us. This is sooner than I had hoped.)

9. If you beaned a batter on purpose and he charged, would you A) aggressively go after him B) lure him in then sucker punch him when he got close C) pray that Brett leg whips him before he gets to the mound D) run like a girl?

C then B and then D…but as established in Question 1, I’m not going to get away from him, so once he catches me, A. However, under no circumstances, if I win the fight (RIGHT!) will I spit on him! I’ve learned my lesson!

(The perfect answer)

10. If you could choose, how would you want to die?

The usual, I want to be raped to death by the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Or fall off the Green Monster…while being raped by the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

(I think you don't fully understand what rape means. I do like your scenario though.)

Okay, so we are straying a bit from the typical awesome music videos, to play something very special for Vin.

As always, live once, get wet, then die.

Your beloved,
Bayside Tigers

Better Than The Cincy? No Doubt About It.

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 22:54:00 +0000

As word of the wicked awesomeness of the Bayside Tigers spreads like Paris Hilton when a camera comes out, we think it’s time to go on the record and say that despite sharing colors and mascot with the Cincinnati Bengals, we have absolutely no affiliation with them.

We want there to be no confusion amongst “Ambush” and “Jungle” cuz…well…they’re a bunch of loser-d-bags and we’re awesome (way awesome). (Proof our fan base is so ridiculously awesome; they named themselves Ambush, which is specific to Tigers. Bengals fans named themselves the Jungle? There are bengals, tigers, lions, bears, and jaguars in the jungle. There are spider monkeys in the jungle…why are there no NFL teams with a spider monkey as a mascot? Doesn’t make much sense to us…)

So, Cincinnati Bengals…QUIT CALLING US! We are not going to appear at your home games or on your media guide! We’re also not going to be character witnesses for you & we definitely aren’t going let Chris Henry baby-sit our kids as a part of some jacked up Cincinnati court ordered scared-straight program.

For those of you in the Bengals front office who need things explained in an Us v. Them shaped format…here is a little comparison detailing the differences between us (awesomeness personified) and the Cincinnati Bengals (Gormanosity personified):

Cincinnati Bengals v. Bayside Tigers

Them: Prolific Losers, let’s face it they are Gormanesque (I know this seems obvious but it’s a good place to start) - Us: Winners…Awesomeness (Also obvious, right?)

Them: Guys with gold teeth? - Us: Guys with beer & chicken wing stained teeth…well except for Tracy and that electric smile! (Personally, I think that’s why he goes with the khakis on game day…he’s trying to “ugly-up” just to fit in! Thanks for that Tracy!)

Them: Anthony Munoz (HOF)? - Us: Brett is built just like him! (In a weird coincidence, Munoz wore #78 and Brett HIT .078 last year!)

Them: Tim Krumrie breaks his leg in the Super Bowl and gets carted off the field. - Us: If a BT breaks a leg in a game, he’s gonna rub some dirt on it and finish the damn game…well…unless it’s OT…he’d cry like a sissy and go to the hospital! (Another odd coincidence, Krumrie wore #69 and OT missed 69 games due to injury the last two seasons)

Them: Carson Palmer has a Heisman Trophy (& a penchant for wieners)? - Us: Nick has a trophy from his 7th grade basketball team for being tallest! (Ok this is just getting spooky! Palmer wears #9…Nick flies out to the RF every at bat…In the score book the right fielder is #9!)

Them: Players demand trades from Bengals or leave via free agency! - Us: No one has ever asked to leave the Bayside Tigers. EVER! (We did try to trade Solo, but the other team couldn’t come up with enough Miller High Life to satisfy our requirements. Sorry China Wall, but in our defense, we love beer.)

Them: Ken Anderson’s cheesy moustache? - Us: BT players rock the cool facial hair…except Van…but Sunshine in “Remember the Titans” didn’t have facial hair either! Van is the BT’s version of Sunshine! Seriously though, come to a game sometime, it’s like an Al-Qaeda meeting. Whiskers as far as the eye can see.

Them: Draft History? David Klingler, Dan Wilkinson, Ki-Jana Carter, Akili Smith, Peter Warrick? BUST CITY! - Us: Last year we drafted EP and Vin…and EP is pretty good…except for the crocs! This year we picked up Hunley and we didn’t even have to trade up to get him! (All-Stars!)

Them: Stupid Nicknames Like “Ocho-Cinco?” (One nickname we do agree with is the Bungles) - Us: C’mon…Global is an awesome nickname…but he’s not going to go legally change his name because of it? (This one’s a bit of a reach, but freaky if you think about it… “Ocho-Cinco” means “8-5” and the score of the game on the field where Global’s famous rage throw landed was 8-5!)

Them: Professional Football Team? - Us: We’re actually a better football team!

Them: Cheerleaders? - Us: Okay, they’ve got us there, but we couldn’t do much with the talent that showed up at the tryouts?

Them: Lard Ass - Us: Andy Dufrane

Them: Screech - Us: Zack

Them: Porkins - Us: Luke Skywalker

Them: Wes Mantooth - Us: Ron Burgundy?

Them: The Ickey Shuffle? - Us: Do you know how many kids Dad has? He must have the sweetest fertility dance EVER! (Okay, this coincidence is going to blow your mind…Woods wore #30…Dad has 30 kids!)

So, I think that spells it out pretty clearly. Now, if you see a Cincinnati Bengals fan (or Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster or a girl interested in Gorman) don’t disparage them…just pat them on the head, turn them around and send them back to Ohio where they belong! It’s almost unfair to compare the BT to the Bengals if you consider the merits of the two cities! So, with all due respect to Letterman again, here’s the TOP TEN reasons of why Iowa City is so much better than Cincinnati.

TOP TEN REASONS IOWA CITY IS BETTER THAN CINCINNATI!

10. What the frick does the word “Cincinnati” mean? It’s nonsense! Iowa City means “city in Iowa.” Have a name that means something!

9. Jerry Springer was elected mayor of Cincinnati before his show! Well, I guess he’s always been popular with white trash!

8. Iowa City has the Wig & Pen…it’s a British-style Pub that serves Chicago-style Pizza! Genius! (Now that said, if Management from the W&P reads this, will you PLEASE get Miller High Life back on the menu! C’mon, it’s the champagne of beers! Now that said, if management for Miller Brewing reads this, MHL is already the official beer of the BT Pitching staff, and I think we’d be MORE than willing to make it the official team beer!).

7. Kirk Ferentz could kick Bob Huggins ass! (I know Huggins is at WV now, but he’s the only coach from the University of Cincinnati that anyone has ever heard of and can rival the rap sheet of any Hawkeye football player!).

6. Cincinnati is practically in Kentucky…don’t get me started on Kentucky!

5. The Ohio River hasn’t flooded Cincinnati in like 70 years! Sallys! Flooding builds character! (For the record though, it does nothing for your living room carpet, drywall or your softball field).

4. OHIO uses the same vowel (o) twice…your name is only 4 letters long…how about a little creativity? IOWA…no repetition there! You puds tried the 3 vowels and 1 consonant and failed. We perfected it. Watch and learn, turds.

3. Okay, Kevin Youkilis played baseball at the University of Cincinnati and that’s pretty freakin’ awesome…but he was in their own back yard and the Reds were too frickin stupid to draft him! (You can bet that if IC had a pro-baseball team, they would have drafted Youk!).

2. University of Cincinnati BEARCATS? What the frick is a BEARCAT? Who picked that mascot, Napoleon Dynamite? Does it have cool magical powers too? Iowa Hawkeyes! That’s BA…named after an awesome character from the classic novel Last of the Mohicans. Hawkeye totally got Madeline Stowe in the movie!

1. Iowa City has the Bayside Tigers…nuf said!

So, in summation: Cincinnati Bengals are losers, BT are winners; Cincinnati sucks, Iowa City rocks. There you have it! So simple even a Bengals fan could understand it!

Welcome to the jungle baby...

Live Once, Get Wet, Then Die

The Bayside Tigers

Turning Two: Dropping A Deuce - The Gym Class Heroes Strike Back

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 16:55:00 +0000

I received an e-mail from an Ambush member the other day and here is what it said:
“Are you going to let Gorman get away with cutting up the Tigers?”
My immediate thought was “Former Milwaukee Brewer, Gorman Thomas has taken issue with my team?” It actually made sense to me since we are all fat-mustachioed home run hitters, a role he pretty much invented. I was looking forward to a Coke vs. Coke Zero lawsuit type of thing. But no, as it turns out, it was some innocuous turd burglar named Gorman that has a craptastic blog about sports -- and apparently he has a beef with us.

As you all know, we like to spread knowledge while we are out there in the abyss known as the Internet. A couple of weeks ago, we made a comment concerning the delusion surrounding a terribly insipid blog Gorman vomited accusing Club Trillion blogger, Mark Titus, of plagiarism. Of course, in true BT fashion, we did not sugar coat any of our comments in the response. Like Mom always says, “If you can’t take the heat then get your head out of the oven, idiot.” Our message apparently struck a nerve. To our wonderment, Gorman, in true douchetastic fashion, decided to write an entire blog bashing Iowa, bashing our blog, declaring war on the BT and suggesting his 12 readers (guy has a pretty big family!) should choose a side, all whilst continuing to get his shots in on Titus. After reading the entry multiple times we figured we were dealing with some no talent soccer scorekeeper, Charlie Wies’ dietician or (fill in the blank for someone that does a bad job). As semi-professional psychologists, we have concluded that Gorman must suffer from TSD.

So, here we are, at an impasse. How do we respond to this hack known as Gorman? Let’s give it the old college try…

First line of his article Gorman says: “I’m absolutely certain this post is not going to make me wildly popular in Iowa.” I wouldn’t flatter yourself if I were you. In the six days that your post has been on your front page we have had 13 visits redirected from your site (11 of which are probably from BT members). You’re not exactly setting the world on fire with your journalism, nor are we, but then again, our awesomeness is already known worldwide. You appear to be less significant in AND out of Iowa than Amy Winehouse’s toothbrush.

I greatly appreciated Gorman’s definition of our spat as ‘war’. Gorman, we are not at war, not even close. For the record, if we were at war, then your first strike made you seem a little French. At best, we are in a bickering match with a 3-year-old who starts every comeback with “No, you’re the (fill in whatever we just said)". At war? Hardly. There are currently only two wars going on in this country, U.S. v Terror & Charlie Wies’ gut v his elastic waistband. At most I would consider this a bickery slap fight. Unfortunately for you, we have big hands (although we were not, in fact, the inspiration for “Big Hands” character mentioned in the classic Violent Femmes tune “Blister in the Sun!”)

Allow me to quote your “assault” on Iowa: “the land of a Caucus, some corn, and pretty much nothing else.” Well, you got two out of three right, big guy! That’s 66% and that’s nine points higher than your IQ! We are the land of THE Caucus and we do have some corn (actually a “crapload” might be more accurate!) But the “nothing else” part just shows a lack of knowledge and effort! C’mon, Gorman, there are a million other things about Iowa you could have chosen to make fun of! What about Zach Johnson? Too elite for you to pick on? You dropped the ball there, buddy!

There is nothing better than when a moronic dolt digs deep into their pot of delusion to make fun of something he knows little about – in this case, Iowa. However, you may have combined stupidity with bad luck by taking a pot shot at the state of Iowa from your little ivory tower in Massachusetts. You see, I grew up in Massachusetts…so I know just how crappy that state really is and just how miserable the people are!

Now, let’s give credit where credit is due. Massachusetts has a great history that has shaped this wonderful country…yes, even the Salem Witch Trials went a long way in that regard! Also, AMAZING seafood; I miss the pizza a lot too! The Boston Pops, Fenway Park and the Red Sox? Nothing better than those! Cape Cod and Nantucket were getting a little exclusive and a tad pretentious the last time I was there, but they are really pretty cool. Begrudgingly, I give you the Patriots and even the Celtics…in other words, I admit their greatness, but I’m not happy about it. Now, I know there are other noteworthy items, but I’m not here to kiss your ass!

So, let’s talk about some of the not-so-wonderful things. And, Gorman, since you’re a slowcoach, let’s make it simple and steal from Letterman to make things easy for you: here are the Top Ten Crappy Things about Massachusetts:

10. The Kennedy Family…(Not JFK or RFK…may they rest in peace.) As bad as the drugs and the drinking and the cheating and the murder scandals have been…Maria Shriver married Schwarzenegger? Really? Were Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme not available?

9. “Southie” – which has been overly glorified and romanticized in movies lately…if you count “Good Will Hunting” as lately – is a real frickin’ hellhole. If you’re not from Southie, you don’t GO to Southie (unless you want drugs or hookers), and if you have a chance to get out of Southie, you don’t walk, you RUN.

8. Your house costs 5 times as much as mine and it’ll fit in my garage!

7. Great private schools…crappy public schools. Sure, you have Harvard and MIT, but how many people from Massachusetts actually go there? The private schools are pretty pricey and out of reach of the common man. Most people have to go to a dismal public high school and then UMass or Lowell! The average Iowan goes to better schools and universities and is therefore better educated than the average Mass-hole! Based on your writing ability, Gorman, I’m thinking you’re a product of the sub-standard Massachusetts public school system and Bridgewater State. Think I’m wrong about MA public schools? Remember, Teddy Kennedy was one of the architects of No Child Left Behind…I wonder why? (BTW: I went to a private high school and then out-of-state for college)

6. You’ve got Matt Damon and Ben Affleck…okay, I raise you Ashton Kutcher and Tom Arnold! What can I say? I guess Iowa men love their HOT older women! (Gorman…that’s a joke…Tom Arnold married Rosanne…NOT HOT! I was being facetious. ;))

5. “The Perfect Storm” glamorized the Atlantic fisherman as gritty, blue collar, salt-of-the-Earth types, but we all know that real fisherman are about as white-trashy as they come. We’ve got white trash in Iowa, but at least they know they’re white trash. The average professional fisherman has more convictions than teeth…and is proud of it!

4. You don’t have Shawn Johnson…less than ten months until she’s 18! You’re lying if you say it hadn’t crossed your mind!

3. The Massachusetts accent? C’mon, you know you sound like idiots to the rest of the English-speaking world, right? I mean it’s REALLY stupid sounding! It makes New Yorkers sound sophisticated! Why don’t you, “ Paak yuh caaa in Haaavid Yaad” and have them frickin’ teach you to pronounce the letter “R!”

2. Q: What’s the greatest American novel? A: Moby Dick. What’s it about? A boatload of New Bedford (MA) men go to sea and get their asses kicked by an albino whale. The quintessential American novel is about a bunch of losers from Massachusetts underestimating a force of nature and eating it big time! Sound familiar? (Gorman, I know you’re not very educated, but in the metaphor I’m setting up here, you’re the nimrods on the boat and we’re the ass-kicking mammal with the big dick) Gorman, maybe you should change your blog’s name to “The Pequod!”

1. Massachusetts doesn’t have the Bayside Tigers! In Massachusetts terminology we are “wicked awesome.”

So, there you have it. I could go on and on rebutting every dumb thing this toolbox wrote but in the end, I think you should just go over to his “creative and humorous” blog and read for yourself. If you never come back because Gorman won you over with his razor sharp wit and charming personality, then good for him. I predict you will likely fall asleep after his opening paragraph, conk your head on the computer desk and curse the day you ever heard of Stormin’ Gorman and his coma-inducing blog. Personally, I’m looking forward to his comeback in which he points out that Iowa has pigs and soybeans and not much else! Gorman, I know you write, “From the heart. The gut. The soul,” but maybe you should try writing from your brain.

And, in true Bayside Tiger fashion, a music video shout out to our boy, Justin Gorman.

Live once, get wet, then die!

Sincerely,
"Your Gym Class Heroes"
The Bayside Tigers

From This Day Forward You Will Be Known As...

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 00:35:00 +0000

Well, here we are, the culmination of what has surely been an eventful vote. We, as much as you, have thoroughly enjoyed the rise of the Bayside Tigers from national predominance to worldwide domination. We are now officially bigger than Charlie Weis. Due to our huge following, we decided to leave it up to our fan base to name themselves. After a huge voter turnout of 54 votes, I present to you the winning name. The winner is Dale Thornton III from Farmersville, Ohio. Because of Dale’s witty charm, the fan base of the Bayside Tigers will be referred to as……….

AMBUSH!

Thanks Dale, Ambush appreciates your creativity, or lack there of.

Sincerely,
The Bayside Tigers
Live Once, Get Wet, Then Die

Flairin' it up with EP!

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 14:43:00 +0000

1. Are eyebrows considered facial hair?

Depends. If they are growing like you fertilized them or you were born with a unibrow – definitely yes and should be maintained as such.

I should have given this more thought before asking this question. I was dying to use that Madonna's kid picture. Beyond that, how interesting can I be when talking about eyebrows? Given a second chance I would have asked which song is better, Working For The Weekend by Loverboy or Two Tickets To Paradise by Eddie Money. Let’s face it, Eddie Money is a homerun every time you talk about him.

2. If you were single, which dating website would you use?

Search Ladiesman217 and you’ll find out. My wife knows I’m joking.

Does she?

3. What is your greatest BT moment?

I have to share 3 greatest moments:

#3.) Championship game, my right knee is so stiff and sore I can’t play but CW asks me to show up. In the bottom of the 7th with 2 out we’re down 4-3, CW takes a walk and asks if I can pinch hit. I hobble up to the plate and work the count full. I hit the next pitch into the right field bleachers to win it 5-4. I literally limp my way around the bases – but what a moment.
#2.) Tracy is playing right center and overthrows the cutoff man (surprise there) as the runner rounds third. Trying to be heads up and anticipate the throw I race over from shortstop and pick up the overthrow on one hop (the throw was off-line too) and flip it to Brett- just in front of the runner to get the out and save a run. If the runner slides he’s safe but, in this case, he didn’t.
#1.) Had been living in Iowa City for about 2 months, when I finally get the call up to the Tigers for the 1st round of the League tournament. Hit pretty well that day but think I earned my spot on the club with a diving play behind second base Get up and shoot the guy out at first. Unfortunately we lost the game but I consider myself lucky for being around the day Global got his second nickname.

Zzzzzzz What? Oh, you are done? Oh, yeah, great answer.

4. Have you been told you look like the offspring of Bret Bielema and Jeffrey Lebowski?

Nope never heard that although my wife’s grandma insisted I looked like Troy Aikman – loved that woman.

I’m sure she loved you too, rumor has it she makes one hell of a meatloaf also!

5. Name two things you consider yourself to be very bad at besides slow-pitch softball and life.

Golf and origami.

Are you intentionally answering these questions so I can’t think of a response? Hey guys! What’s more boring than golf? Yep! Origami. Seriously dude give me something to work with. On a positive note you are really bad at two irrelevant things.

6. Why on earth do you wear Crocs in public and who told you wearing Croc flair was cool?

Come on – first – Crocs are timeless, like a classic black dress or Chuck Taylors. Second, I’m too old and wise to give a $#@! about what other people think. Comfortable and convenient – especially when you’re putting the boat in the water.

Dude, you can not be serious!

7. Which one of the current or former Tiger’s is your favorite?

Each Tiger brings something to the Ambush*. As the elder statesman, I can have no favorites.

Answer the question! Jerk! (can you ever get enough of McEnroe?)
*Editors note: Results for the BT Fan Base naming contest are not final, but it looks like Ambush is clearly the favorite.

8. When was the first time you realized you had reached stardom with the BT’s?

Stardom? I’m still trying to keep my roster spot!

Another Tiger feigning modesty. This is becoming an embarrassing epidemic. We were built on bravado and an undying belief in our abilities. Get with the game or we’ll give your spot to Glen Worley. At least he thought he was good.

9. If you could be one of the following, who would it be and why? Richard Marx, Milli (he’s the black dude with long braids) of Milli Vanilli, or David Coverdale of Whitesnake?

Not Richard Marx – his music gives me seizures..no really. Never been much of hair band guy so I guess it’s the Milli for me but that’s by default.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-baby! Don’t forget you’re a whitey.

10. If you could choose, how would you want to die? I know the ways I don’t want to die:

-like the woman who is crossing the railroad tracks in front of the train…and doesn’t see the other train.
-eaten by a shark, that’s why they have eyes on the top of their head you know.
-caught in a combine – yikes.
-trapped in a sinking car – too dramatic
-trapped in a sinking boat – too Titanic
-I guess if I have to answer, from exhaustion – at the hands of Halle Berry.

Uh hmm, what happened? I was reading along someone said something about Halle Berry and I blacked out. Weird.

Here is a tribute to Ladiesm..., err, EP.

Live once, get wet, then die!

Sincerely,
The Bayside Tigers

Jamie Pollard: Visionary or D-Bag?

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 02:05:00 +0000

I have had this long running back and forth with this goofball ISU fan about Jamie Pollard and his success at Iowa State… Or lack thereof. It has gotten to the point that I think I’d like to put this all down in a blog for his own public humiliation. You guys should enjoy his foolishness as much as I do.

Let me first start out by saying Jamie Pollard is to ISU what the stomach flu is to me, not wanted and super crappy. Jamie Pollard is Michael Scott (minus the humor). Everything the guy does just makes you cringe. You want to love the guy, but at the end of every episode (decision) he is still a huge doucher that no one likes. Oh, what? You are really going to question my authority on this? Let’s start here:

1. He fired Dan McCarney. Danny Mac seems to be the only guy in the world that had two requirements that could give ISU long term success. One, he knew how to get serviceable players to Ames, which by the way is a beautiful town if you’re coming from Coon Rapids, IA. Two, he actually wanted to be there for the long haul. ISU has been two things in the past; a career crusher or a stepping-stone.

That lunatic could inspire his team like no one else at ISU, before or since. Dude could get his players fired up like William Wallace preparing to take on the Brits. Unlike his complete failure of a successor, whom we will discuss later. That dude could make an orgy boring.

2. He tried to pass the McCarney firing off as a resignation and even cried to emphasize the story. Phoney!

3. He put up that ridiculous billboard. ISU was on quite a roll against Iowa until that genius move took place. To top himself, this gutless turd didn’t have the spine to leave it up through the Iowa-ISU football game that year. You’d think if the man was so proud of winning the Hy-Vee trophy then he’d want to have it on display the week of the Iowa game.

4. He signed Greg McDermott to a nine year deal. Nine years! That’s a long time for a guy that took UNI to the first round of the NCAA tourney three years in a row. He has managed to take ISU nowhere in three years. They have a record of 44-48 since his arrival with a Big 12 record of 14-32. The dude has had nearly as many players leave the program as he does conference wins (11 players if you’re counting). Wait what? There is talk of another guy leaving early after this season? Weird.

5. Wayne Morgan was fired by Pollard without notice. Morgan said he was told the basketball program should be the marquee of the athletic department but "we don't think you can do that." Morgan could at least get the Cloney’s into post season play. I guess getting destroyed in the Big 12 is what Jamie meant by “marquee”.

6. He sold the ISU faithful on Gene Chizik, the man of God and integrity. Iowa State athletic director Jamie Pollard told The Des Moines Register. "We were told we wouldn't be able to get him by a lot of people. He's the real deal."

Yeah he was the real deal alright. He led the mighty Cyclones from the depths of the Big 12 to uh, well even deeper into the cellar. He had a 5-19 overall record with a 2-14 Big 12 record in two years. The good news for The Real Deal is that some other school recognized that ISU stunk so much that they gave him a shot at their head coaching position. The man of faith then blatantly lied to his boss (Pollard) and Bolted out of town after a 5 minute meeting with his team. The Real Deal told a transferring player earlier in the year that he was a quitter for doing the same thing. Nice choice of a high class man of integrity Pollard. It’s your job to not get tricked by a shyster in that situation.

7. Chizik's introduction in 2006, when he entered a raucous news conference at Hilton Coliseum attended by thousands of fans by coming out of a large inflatable helmet filled with smoke. Just another embarrassment to the ISU program. Act like you’ve been there before.

8. Speaking of inflatable stuff. How about that silly tunnel at the football games? It’s probably my favorite thing about ISU right now. Hey guys we’re going to build our traditions here off of other team’s traditions. We’re going to use the corny inflatable helmet used by so many other teams, we’re gonna use the Miami smoke tunnel & the USC uniforms. Maybe if we look like a winning team we’ll accidentally win. Don't hold your breath.

9. Pollard has hired new head coaches for football twice, men's basketball, wrestling, gymnastics, soccer, cross country/track and field, women's golf, tennis, and softball. That is a ridiculous track record for a guy that has been there for four years. He’s been paying out a lot of terminated contracts. I’m sure ISU can afford that. That cat's trigger finger is itchier than Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction.

10. He has convinced ISU fans that women’s athletics are important. In truth no one should care but the ISU faithful sure are proud of their women. The rest of the world says big deal.

So here’s where we are, Pollard has come to ISU selling major improvements & swinging the hatchet. So far that has brought nothing in the way of wins. The team is worse in the two money making sports than they were before he arrived. Facilities have improved from money that he raised but the problem is that he improved the facilities in Ames. It’s like putting a mirrored ceiling in your closet. No one cares.

This thing with Jamie can end two ways. He makes good on all of his promises and becomes the next guy to step on that stone to get out of town or he fails miserably. The most interesting thing will be that when he does fail he will leave town and sell you all out. Watch and see it will be all about how he just couldn’t get enough support and the town just couldn’t fulfill his vision.

Live Once, Get Wet, Then Die Tiger Fans!

Let's Get A Taste Of The New Tiger

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 16:10:00 +0000

1. You are new to being a full-time Tiger. Everyone hates you already, how will you get us to like you?

I think I’ll just continue to blend in. I’ve got my spot at the end of the bench where I can go in between innings. If someone wants to talk to me I might respond. Otherwise, leave me the F alone.

(Author’s commentary: Don’t worry no one wants to talk to you.)

2. You just got engaged? Why?

Call me old fashioned. Plus, who doesn’t like a good honeymoon.

(Think long and hard about this. Marriage is like getting punched in the bag everyday but less arousing. Just kidding, you're a winner, I'm sure this marriage thing'll work out for you...but seriously, think about it.)

3. What is your greatest BT moment?

Getting the call to come up to the Bayside Tigers full time. Every boys dream. Like pretending to shoot the final bucket in basketball to win the game. BT is a way of life.

(I thought THIS was every boy's dream? Even so it's hard to fault your love for the Tigers. Believe me the feeling is mutual.)

4. Have you been told you look like a skinny UFC Fighter Jon Fitch? No, not even here?

No but I have been told I look like one tough dude.

(But a skinny tough dude, right?)

5. Name two things you consider yourself to be very bad at besides slow-pitch softball and life.

Where do I begin. I would say foreign languages and sitting still.

(Leben Sie einmal, erhalten Sie naß, dann sterben Sie.)

6. You are really fast. If you had to run against Dad in a race around the bases, how many times would you lap him?

All in all I am a nice guy. I would probably only lap him once to prove a point…then on my second lap I would run behind him and cheer him on to the finish. But then I’d probably sprint ahead real quick to lap him twice. I can’t stand odd numbers.

(Green Day told me that nice guys finished last? I dare you to watch this video & avoid motion sickness or at least avoid being annoyed by watching a crappy Green Day video.)

7. Which one of the current or former Tiger’s is your favorite?

The house of glass, OT…..just playin potna. However, he did provide me with the tools to get me my shot at BT. And he is one heck of a model American.

(OT is one hell of a sexy beast. It’s hard to find fault with this choice.)

8. When was the first time you realized you had reached stardom with the BT’s?

I knew I reached stardom when Global launched the other teams softball into the Iowa softball field. At that point, everyone knew the Bayside Tigers.

(Good point we were all infamous from that day on. BTW here is a photo of a young Global praticing his craft.)

9. You rock a pretty consistent 8 o’clock shadow, why not go full bore with it?

Your right, I am quite partial to my facial hair. There is really no rhyme or reason to the "boreness." More lazy. However, Ill probably continue the 8 o’clock shadow and maybe throw in some surprises here and there. If you want to see the beard style of the week, you just have to make it out to a BT game this season.

(That sounds like a weekly challenge. What kind of ridiculous facial hair will Hunnel show up with this week?)

10. If you could choose, how would you want to die?

Getting trapped under a gas truck. Once that thing goes, you don’t feel a thing.

(Yowch!)

Enjoyone from the archives of hip hop history.

Live Once, Get Wet, Then Die,

The Bayside Tigers

Attendance at Carver

noreply@blogger.com (BaysideTigers) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 15:34:00 +0000

In a ploy to gain more of a local sports fan base, I was asked, as the exemplary leader of the Bayside Tigers, to write a blog to drum up some local fans. So here I am. I am going to jump on my soap box and discuss why crickets are louder than the fans at Carver Hawkeye Arena and how to fix the problem(s). I would like to thank Brent Balbinot at KXIC for sparking this debate on his show “Good Call”. It is one of the better run local sports talks shows I have heard, plus, Brent bleeds the Black & Gold more than most. (Ok Brent, some reciprocity here, give a shout out to the Bayside Tigers!)

Let’s make it rain!

Observation One: The product is not fun to watch

China Wall Solution: I see this on message boards a lot and I think this is a copout excuse. Lick is trying to build up a new system. How is he supposed to do this when the previous head coach brought in turd after turd after turd after turd? Let him continue to recruit to his system. If Lick can get one more kid with the heart and basketball IQ of Gatens and one big guy over 6’9”, the team will be much better. If you fail to realize this, you have no business watching any form of competitive sports ever again. Ever!

Observation Two: The product is not successful

China Wall Solution: See China Wall Solution #1. Fail.

Observation Three: The tickets are too pricey

China Wall Solution: Ok, now we are getting somewhere. As I do think the ticket prices are still somewhat fair, what the folks in the Athletic Department fail to realize is that most Hawkeye fans are fans of both the football and basketball teams. Because ticket prices have risen for both sports, the administration is strong-arming fans to pick and choose between sports. Do I drop $700 (for 2 tickets) on football (all day event, better atmosphere, tailgating, better weather, decent start times for games) or basketball (typically bad weather, no chance for drunken nudity, ridiculous start times and the atmosphere inside is not very entertaining outside the game itself). No brainer as far as I am concerned.

How about offering some sort of discount on tickets or a parking pass if you order season tickets for both sports, or for one of the non money making sports? If the University came to me and said China Wall, if you order season tickets for football and women’s XYZ sport, we will give you a parking pass for half price. Sold! And I might actually show up for a women’s game, or give the tickets to friends. Butts in seats!

Observation Four: The Black and Gold Blowout is boring, uneventful, and horribly timed. I understand the premise of having the Blowout after a football game (attendance and such), but the atmosphere is vanilla. I want Rocky Road. Half the people that show up are lay fans anyway, or folks trying to avoid traffic out of town.

China Wall Solution: Do the Black and Gold Blowout in the form of Midnight Madness. It works. Throw in a dunk contest, skills competition, 3-point contest (Raindance!). That’s what the students and fans want to see. No one wants to watch a pick up game after a full morning of drinking and sitting outside watching football. Hey everybody! Want to go sober up and sit in a gym watching pickup basketball?! Uh no I’ll head home if I want a nap.

Observation Five: In regards to the students (younger fans). Iowa City is a party town. The university has to live with the fact that unless something changes with the bars downtown, which the revenue the city gets, I don’t see it happening anytime soon. Why do you think football games are so jammed packed? It is a huge party every Saturday. Where else can 18-20 year olds walk around with open containers, wear jean skirts when its 35 degrees out, and get piss drunk without any real consequence?

As a college student, here are your two choices on a basketball game night:
One: Jump on a Cambus in the dead of winter and/or hike it across campus (and back) to watch a mediocre basketball game, sit in a section surrounded by 90 year olds yelling at you for jumping up and down or yelling at the refs, and sitting 20 to 40 rows up from the court (Holy crap! Is JR Angle in?).
Two: Walking 3 minutes downtown to watch the game on a big screen TV with friends, having beers, eating wings.

Tough decision, huh?

China Wall Solution: The student section should be spread along the court, not funneled up 2/3 sections. Look at the successful programs across America. They get their students involved. Michigan St., Duke, UConn, Kansas and hell, even Iowa State! (sorry, couldn’t help myself) This makes it louder on the court and harder for the opposing team to communicate. Look, I am a business man, I get the money and donations typically come from Grandma and Grandpa and your big business types, but there are plenty of good seats in Carver. We gotta think long term here. Today’s student is tomorrow’s G’ma & G’pa donor. Hell we live in Iowa, we should understand planting seeds.

If you put students in rows 1-4 in sections H through NN (opponents basket to midcourt opposite of opponents bench), I guarantee you would see an increase in student attendance. Is it really that bad to put 2-3 rows of dead seats behind the students? The place is dead as it is. If you want buy in from the students, you need to impress them and show them you mean it.

Observation Six: I know I will ruffle a bunch of feathers with this last one, but sometimes the truth hurts, and I am the man to deliver it. The Hawkeye fan base as a whole is aging. There is little new blood. Again, I will state I understand the need to pamper donors and season ticket holders, but there is too much pampering going on. Those old codgers will enjoy the games more if we win more.

China Wall Solution: In the end, the administration is too worried about having their cake and eating it to and/or too chicken shit to stand up to them and make a tough decision. You either continue down the path of catering to donors & old heads and alienating the rest of the fan base or you start making compromises. Common sense says if the donors are fans, they will stick around.

If you want to get a hold of me to discuss the topic further, take a piece of paper, write down any and everything you want to discuss, then crumple it up and throw it in the trash. Your thoughts are worthless to me.

Sincerely,

Live once, get wet, then die!

In hopes of extending an olive branch to the old heads that typically sit around me at Hawkeye sporting events, this video is for you. Enjoy!