Wendi Aarons

A Life-Changing Comment

WA — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 16:03:27 +0000

If you’ve ever left a comment on my blog, you hopefully know that I usually try to send you a personal reply. I figure it’s the least I can do after someone’s suffered through a masterwork like “If Horton Lived In My Neighborhood.” Oh, yes, indeedy, I’m a giver. But recently, I got a very lovely, [...]

Jack, What Are You Doing Out of Bed?

WA — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 14:25:01 +0000

I’m thirsty. I’m hungry. It’s too dark. It’s too bright. I heard a noise that sounded like Darth Vader trying to destroy our kitchen. I need to floss. I need to wipe. I need to sit in the hallway with a flashlight and organize my two million Pokemon cards. My finger hurts. My eye hurts. My spine hurts. Oh, wait, I meant my kidneys. No, [...]

The Bank Statement

WA — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:47:36 +0000

Dear Broadway Bank, Why, hello! I just wanted to drop you a quick line to say “Welcome to the neighborhood!” (Note: I’m not the “official” new neighbor greeter or anything, so this is all you’re getting. Do not expect muffins.) All of us over here in the subdivision have been rather eagerly watching your building go up [...]

I’m Not Really Here

WA — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 17:58:23 +0000

Oy. Things have been a little crazy around here the past few days, so I haven’t done any writing besides the occasional “HELP ME!” sign I put up in the window whenever I see the sheriff drive by. I should be back again later this week, but if you’re in desperate need of some entertainment, [...]

Gesundheit, Y’all

WA — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 14:57:41 +0000

MY FUNNY BENADRYL (to the tune of “My Funny Valentine”) My funny Benadryl Hot pink, little Benadryl You make my sneezes disappear You’re an antihistamine Dip..hen..hydra…mine? And yet I use you with no fear Is your dye #27 a little red? Is my immunity a little dead? When I pop you in my mouth Do you druuuuuggggg me? But don’t call me a ju-uhn-kie Not when [...]

Field of Bad Dreams

WA — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 22:45:06 +0000

A couple days ago, Chris was flipping through the TV channels and landed on one playing Field of Dreams. “Oh, stop here,” I said. “I’ve never really seen this movie.” An hour or so later, once the movie was over, he turned off the TV and asked me what I thought of it. “I don’t know. [...]

Parent/Teacher/CrazyPeople

WA — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 01:52:55 +0000

“Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Aarons. Thanks for coming,” Sam’s kindergarten teacher says when we enter the classroom with eager smiles. “Ready to get started?” “Sure!” Chris and I respond as we sit down in two little chairs that have the potential to trap us for hours. “Let’s hear it!” Ms. Ryan looks down at her paperwork, and [...]

I Dreamed A Dream

WA — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 18:39:27 +0000

Wednesday, January 6, 7:00 a.m. By now we’ve all heard how Stephanie Meyer got the idea for the Twilight series from a dream. She’d never written anything before, but on that particular morning she woke up with a fantastic vampire story in her head. All she had to do was just sit down, write it out, [...]

My 2010 New Year Resolutions

WA — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 18:32:03 +0000

1. This year I vow that I will never get another “Brazilian.” Or, for that matter, any other spa treatment that involves me not wearing pants while someone holding hot wax instructs me to “grab your knees and get into the cannonball position.” 2. This year I will work up the courage to go to PTA [...]

The Truth About Santa

WA — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 07:01:31 +0000

I never really appreciated Santa Claus until I became a parent. Sure, I loved him when I was a kid the same way all kids do. He’s a guy with rosy cheeks who shows up once a year with a big bag of presents; what’s not to like? But it wasn’t until I had kids [...]

Season’s Greetings From Tiger

WA — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 13:57:20 +0000

Dear Friends and Family, Greetings from the Woods family! We hope you’re all doing well and enjoying this wonderful time of year. After all, happy holidays should be “par” for the course, am I right? Ha, ha! Some of you might be surprised that it’s me, Tiger, writing our annual holiday letter, but there have been a [...]

I Think My Gingerbread House Is Being Repossesed

WA — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 23:38:28 +0000

Just follow the easy instructions: And you’ll have a breathtaking Gingerbread House like this that’ll make your kids smile and cheer: Unless you’re me and spend three effin’ hours on the “easy” instructions: And wind up with a collapsed Gingerbread crack house that makes your kids cry and your husband go hide all of the pinot grigio: Next year [...]

A Knockout Punch

WA — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 19:28:30 +0000

When I was in college, autumn meant one thing: barn dances. Each year, my sorority held its annual “Barn Bash Spectacular,” which was basically just a fancy way of saying “drunken dance party held in a freezing cold abandoned barn.” It’s a pretty good time when you’re a 20 year-old Communications major with low self-esteem [...]

The Work Out

WA — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 19:39:41 +0000

Good morning! Is this Mrs. Aarons? That depends. If you’re calling because I won a new car, then “yes,” this is Mrs. Aarons. If you’re calling because you need volunteers for the PTO bake sale, then “no” this definitely isn’t Mrs. Aarons. I’m calling from your gym. In that case, this is Ikea, her Swedish nanny. Mrs. [...]

A Recipe For A Disaster, Redux

WA — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:07:24 +0000

Dear Mrs. Aarons, Well, it’s that time of year again. Time for our school to put together its annual “Holiday Family Recipe” book. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how very special this book is to both parents and children alike. After all, what could be a more glorious way to celebrate the spirit [...]

Talking Sh*t

WA — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:51:57 +0000

As you may have heard, last week a guy who has a Twitter account that’s called “Shit My Dad Says” in which he tweets the cranky things his 73 year-old father mutters like, “A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face. My point? You have an ingrown fucking [...]

Jose, Barry and Me

WA — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 14:39:01 +0000

As some of you know, I sort of had a rough time of it last week. Not only were my kids hit with a mild case of the Swine Flu, but now my hair guy, Mr. Jimmy, has apparently gone AWOL. Or more accurately, “Absent With Out Letting Me Know Why The Hell His Phone [...]

The Birthday Time

WA — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 13:48:11 +0000

After our boys were born, fall became known around our house as “The Birthday Time.” Sam’s birthday is in October, Jack’s is in November, and I think our cat’s birthday is sometime around there, too. (Note: We’ve never been able to get official documentation on that seeing as how Dickens was born in an alley [...]

How to Get Cheap Thrills This Halloween

WA — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 19:36:37 +0000

Halloween is almost here, and if you’re anything like me, you just love decorating your house for this spooktacular holiday. Witches, goblins, ghosts—everyone’s invited to our bootiful home! (Yes, I realize I just used the words “spooktacular” and “bootiful,” but that’s only because I just inhaled 50 fun-sized candy bars and now my brain [...]

Based On A True Story

WA — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:20:43 +0000

Recently, a mommy blogger came under fire because her story about her mistreatment by the TSA turned out to be not exactly true. This incident has since spurred a very vigorous dialogue about whether or not we should believe everything that’s written on blogs by people whom we have never actually met in [...]