Wendi Aarons

I Need Answers, People

WA — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 13:21:35 +0000

Question 1: I will soon be visiting Wyomissing, Pennsylvania, aka the hometown of Kate Gosselin and her 275 1/2 children. While I’m there, is it a good idea to wear my Kate G Halloween wig (classic edition) around town? You know, just to incite the paparazzi and ultimately land my own reality TV show Gurl’s Gone [...]

Hot Enemies

WA — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 16:10:10 +0000

Anyone who read my last post could probably tell that the Austin heat is really starting to get to me. I mean, I almost never recommend unorthodox usage of Popsicles. Candy canes, yes. Salad tongs, sure. But not Popsicles. I am a lady after all. I do have my standards. Anyway, in the midst of my [...]

Fun Things to Do When The Heat Index is 107 Degrees!

WA — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 17:44:31 +0000

Watch your landscaping die! Cry big raging tears that immediately evaporate! Burn off your fingerprints on your scalding hot steering wheel! (Perfect for criminals!) Stand inside your house and scream, “ENJOY THE HEATSTROKE, DUMBASS!” at passersby! Abandon your family for the skeevy eight-fingered butcher who has a walk-in meat locker! Go on, make that tube of clinical strength deodorant your [...]

Three Cheers for Kindergarten

WA — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 14:14:31 +0000

Today is my nephew Luke’s first day of kindergarten. In honor of that, I’m posting something I wrote about my son Sam’s first day that happened three long years ago: The First Day It’s 6:30 a.m. and I’m in bed half-asleep. Or at least I am until I feel a little hand start to pat my cheek. [...]

Don’t You Know Who I AM?

WA — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 15:08:25 +0000

I need to get something off my chest today. My very considerable, heaving, panting chest, that is. (Sorry—I’ve been watching too much Skinemax lately. But I can’t help it when the writing and acting in those late night movies is just so amazing. “The Devil Wears Nada”? Pure genius.) As most of you know, I was [...]

This Morning On Today

WA — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 23:12:31 +0000

Last Wednesday when I was sitting on the tarmac waiting to take off for my weekend in NYC, I quickly checked Twitter and saw that my friend VodkaMom wasn’t going to be able to go on a blogger tour of The Today Show. I think she got a better offer to go on a blogger [...]

BlogHer, Baby, BlogHer

WA — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 14:42:38 +0000

Today I’m doing something I don’t usually do and that’s writing this post on the fly. Yes, as unbelievable as it sounds, most weeks I usually put time and effort into my blog posts, but today I can’t do that because I’m headed to NYC for BlogHer10 and I’m busy, busy, busy. (If you have [...]

True or False?

WA — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 15:10:45 +0000

1. I have been very busy this past week trying to legally change my name to “Wendi Ochocinco.” (FALSE) 2. Last spring, I gave the PTA President a book called “Pole Dancing 101: A Visual Guide” as a going-away present. (TRUE) 3. I once videotaped a brain surgery in Portland, Oregon under false pretenses. (TRUE) 4. My sorority nickname was “Bongwater [...]

The Mug

WA — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 23:47:42 +0000

FADE IN: INT. MY PARENTS’ HOUSE, NORTHERN NEVADA, TWO WEEKS AGO It’s approximately 7 a.m. In one room, two boys happily watch “Pokemon” on TV and wrestle like hungry mountain men. In another room, the adults watch “The Today Show” and groggily make fun of the local weatherman. Suddenly, WENDI (40ish, gorgeous in a just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-forgot-to-take-off-her-Breathright-Nasal-Strip kind of way) [...]

My Enemy, Myself

WA — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 16:30:58 +0000

I was completely shocked this morning when I showed up to my 5:30 a.m. boot camp only to see my neighborhood nemesis holding her exercise mat and stretching out her hamstrings. “Oh, crap,” I muttered. “Like doing squats at dawn isn’t bad enough, now I have to deal with her?” My disdain for this particular woman began [...]

Failed Paloozas

WA — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 17:32:01 +0000

Touchypalooza Crabbypalooza Stop Telling Me I Have PMS Or I’ll Punch You In the Ear palooza Eczemapalooza HeatRashpalooza Looks Like I Just Bought My Dermatologist Another JetSki palooza Beepalooza Mosquitopalooza Does the West Nile Virus At Least Help You Lose Weight? palooza Barefootpalooza Rustynailpalooza Another Two Damn Weeks of Broad Spectrum Antibiotics palooza Duggarpalooza Gosselinpalooza That’s It, I’m Gonna Pull A F-in Elvis & Shoot The Crap Out Of [...]

Grandma In Waiting

WA — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 15:56:49 +0000

My husband Chris and I married when we were 24-years-old, but we didn’t have our first baby until we were 33-years-old. The reason we waited nine long years to have a child was because it took us that long to finally feel like we were ready. Unlike my mother, who was so ready to be a grandma [...]

A Little Summer Recycling

WA — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 23:13:53 +0000

I’m taking a few days off to go to Aruba with the French soccer team, which means I’m really busy packing my vuvuzelas and sunscreen. While I’m gone, please enjoy some posts dug up from summers long since past. Let’s just say I thought they were funny at the time, but I probably had heat [...]

Let’s Have Fun with Water Balloons!

WA — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 20:27:18 +0000

1. In a burst of Summer Fun! inspiration, buy pack of 50 awesome water balloons for $2. 2. Go home and try to fill balloons at kitchen sink with patented “water balloon nozzle.” 3. Quickly find out kitchen faucet is too big; move to master bathroom. 4. Quickly find out master bathroom faucet is too big; move to [...]

Summertime and the Livin’ Is

WA — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 17:50:19 +0000

Sweaty Prickly Seriously considering investing in a few cases of clinical strength deodorant Lazy Sluggish Trying to convince her family that peeling an orange counts as “cooking” dinner Sunkissed Sunburned Sundamaged after using “Rikki’s Budget Sunscrin with SPF .5″ In the lake In the pool In the shower madly scrubbing body with bleach after the latest gory swim diaper fail Daydreaming Nightdreaming Wouldn’t it be great if I didn’t [...]

The Reluctant Triathlete Part 2: The Last Gasp

WA — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 13:46:14 +0000

So. The triathlon. Otherwise known as “the day I almost went gently into the light while wearing a bike helmet and a discount sports bra.” It was no bueno, people. No bueno at all. The big day began last Sunday at 4 a.m. when I woke up and checked my email. I was touched to see [...]

The Reluctant Triathlete

WA — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 15:04:55 +0000

I’m a little distracted and scatterbrained today because I’ve been busy preparing for my first ever triathlon this Sunday. Or, more accurately, my biathlon. (The “bi” is because my friend Chelsea is doing the swimming part for me, not because I swing both ways.) (Although that’s something I’d definitely consider if one of the other [...]

Why I Love Costco

WA — Mon, 31 May 2010 21:18:41 +0000

They think of everything you need. (Page 13 of this month’s Costco Connection magazine.)

The End Is Near

WA — Tue, 25 May 2010 19:16:15 +0000

As of today, my boys have only 5 1/2 days of school left before summer vacation. And, as usual, they’ve decided to go out with a bang. Last year, right before his preschool career ended, Jack insisted on taking the backpack he got at a minor league baseball game to his classroom. I wasn’t sure what [...]

Hoo-rah! It’s Booty Camp Time Again

WA — Fri, 21 May 2010 14:18:42 +0000

Last week I started going to another 5:30 a.m. Boot Camp. I’m putting myself through this torture because somehow I seem to have gained 10 pounds over the winter and now none of my summer clothes want to cooperate with my big ass. (My GAP Bermudas can be such insensitive jerks.) Now, I [...]