Wendi Aarons

How To Stay Home From School (By Jack, Age 8)

Wendi — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 16:55:33 +0000

1. Around 2 p.m. on Sunday afternoon, start coughing. When your mommy looks concerned and asks if you’re okay, act casual. You’re simply planting the seed, baby. Planting.The.Seed. 2. After dinner, up your game by putting on puppy dog eyes and asking your mommy if she’ll snuggle with you on the couch. She will immediately [...]

The Various Ways My Father Has Mispronounced “The Shawshank Redemption” Over the Years

Wendi — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 23:00:15 +0000

The Shawshink Repunction The Shankshaw Relocation The Seesaw Redimaker The Shikasawk Prison Reemer That One With That Morgan Freebird Fella _________________________ In other news, I’m thrilled to announce that I’m once again co-producing/directing Listen To Your Mother Austin! We had such an amazing show last year and I can’t wait to see what we come [...]

I’m a Mouthy Housewife with a Cold

Wendi — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 18:40:23 +0000

I got hit hard by Austin’s cedar allergies yesterday, so today I look like whatever it is we’re now saying instead of “Nick Nolte’s mugshot.” (“Dog the Bounty Hunter’s prom photo”?) But while I have no choice but to just sit here with a box of tissues and a metric ton of Benadryl coursing through [...]

It’s A Vacation Slide Show! Wait, Where Are You Going?

Wendi — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 17:43:26 +0000

If the internet is good for anything, it’s for forcing your vacation photos upon the masses. Yay! Thanks, Al Gore! I’ve always wanted to see what the people I follow on Twitter look like in swimsuits! So…hairy! Today I’m going to share with you my pictures from our trip to South Padre Island last weekend [...]

Oops, I Made A Smudge

Wendi — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 23:58:28 +0000

Ever since we moved into our new house, I’ve been dying to smudge it. Not “smudge” in the way my boys have already smudged every single wall with their grimy Cheetos covered fingers, rather “smudge” in the Native American purification sense of the word. A little ceremony to rid the house of negative energy in [...]

My 2012 New Year’s Resolutions

Wendi — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 17:27:44 +0000

This year I will no longer use dangerous tap water in my Neti pot and will instead clean out my sinuses with Mad Dog 20/20. This year I’ll finally stop calling the radio station’s request line to demand that they play “some f*&#ing Manilow for alls my bitches up here in da ‘burbs.” They never [...]

Two Dorks Discuss The Rose Bowl

Wendi — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 21:56:52 +0000

Dork #1: Myself Dork #2: Ann Imig, star of stage, screen and the hilarious blog AnnsRants. The Occasion: The 2012 Rose Bowl match-up between the amazingly talented Oregon Ducks who proudly boast me and the guy who played Dr. Johnny Fever as distinguished alumni and the (cough) Wisconsin Badgers whose alumni include Ann and some [...]

Couch For Sale?

Wendi — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 18:31:03 +0000

My husband just asked me to put our old couch up for sale on Craigslist. But I don’t think he’d be happy with the way I did it: http://austin.craigslist.org/fuo/2778100535.html

I’m Ready To Get Back To My Auld Self

Wendi — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 18:03:55 +0000

First of all, thank you all for the sweet words and messages about Dickens. Your kindness means the world to me and I honestly felt so much better after reading your comments and emails. If any of you were here in person, I’d give you a big hug and kiss and not even try to [...]

Farewell, My Friend

Wendi — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 21:39:53 +0000

It was late August 1992 and my husband Chris and I had been married for an entire week. Still in our newlywed haze, one night we walked into the underground parking garage of our apartment building on Dickens Street in Sherman Oaks, California and found a sweet, grey cat looking at us. “She’s nursing,” Chris [...]

I Think I’ll Be Moving For the Rest of My Life

Wendi — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 18:01:54 +0000

Or until tomorrow when the big truck finally shows up to carry all of our possessions to our new house. It really feels like we’ve been doing this for months, doesn’t it? Right now everything we own is either in a box or in the giant crap pile that’s eagerly waiting to be picked up [...]

I Don’t Even Know What Day It Is

Wendi — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 16:57:19 +0000

Or what time it is. Because you know what’s smart? Packing up your house and moving into another one right before the holidays. Nothing says, “Merry Christmas, honky!” like having all of your possessions sealed up in a cardboard box just waitin’ to be put on a truck. Here’s just a sample of the madness: [...]

My Darling Clementines: Go Screw Yourselves

Wendi — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 16:05:14 +0000

Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you, you stupid bag of tiny oranges. Because once again, you tricked me into buying you at the grocery store and once again, you’re now sittin’ pretty on my kitchen counter all smug-like and shit. Thinking you’re all cool with your Day-Glo colored skin and your juicy little insides. [...]

House: A Grown Up Fairy Tale

Wendi — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 18:38:22 +0000

I have a lot of moving houses craziness going on this week, so instead of writing something new, here’s a little piece I wrote a few years back when we moved into the house we just sold. After this, I’m never moving again unless it’s by court order. HOUSE: A GROWN UP FAIRY TALE [...]

Making A List and Checking It Twice (So I Don’t Get Hurt)

Wendi — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 15:05:29 +0000

Every family has one. A person who, from the months of October through December, goes into hyper holiday shopping mode and immediately drives everyone around them crazy. They’re focused, they’re organized and they’ll do anything they can to “get their shopping done early.” Their goal is to have everything wrapped and ready and under the [...]

You Say It’s Your Birthday (Nananananananana)

Wendi — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 15:00:52 +0000

In a couple of days, it’ll be my birthday. I’ll be turning an age that isn’t one of the better ones and, to be completely honest, it’s making me a little depressed. I really don’t even like to say the number out loud. Of course I’ve been telling myself to just get over it. “Stop [...]

Due To An Increase In Security

Wendi — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 16:36:58 +0000

As everyone knows, when you sign up for an online account, you usually have to answer a few security questions. This is so they can help you if you ever forget your password and/or log-in name, which I do roughly 99% of the time because while my Benadryl and Diet Coke speedballs may be a [...]

House For Sale, Poop Not Included

Wendi — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 16:15:30 +0000

A couple of months ago, my husband and I realized we didn’t have enough stress-induced stomachaches in our lives, so we decided to sell our house and buy another one. We’re always coming up with really, really smart plans like that. (See: Hooters Appalachian Resort time-share, 1998-1999.) The first thing I had to do to [...]

The Impeachment of a PTA President

Wendi — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 21:17:35 +0000

Good evening and thank you all for coming to this special emergency meeting of the Applewood Elementary PTA! I’m PTA President Laura Spellman and if you haven’t heard of me before, it’s probably because you’re not very involved in our school or in your children’s activities. Which is perfectly fine, of course! Picking up your [...]

Ghoul Power!

Wendi — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 21:25:52 +0000

Picking out a Halloween costume can be tough, especially for modern day, socially conscious women and womyn like us. How many times have you found yourself standing in the Super Halloween Emporium looking at row after row of $40 costumes made out of thin tissue paper and toxic North Korean glue thinking, “Gee, I’d really [...]