Field's End Art Studio

Tick-tock

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 15:46:00 +0000

The days tick down like water slowly dipping from a faucet--maddening, predictable, yet with a tight intensity lurking beneath the surface; it's as if each drip is tightening a screw, or pushing a boundary, and the danger is a sudden rupture or failure. I don't just mean within Mark, I mean as a metaphor for the situation itself. It is quietly tense, the waiting is just as suspenseful as waiting on a verdict, and then, yesterday, it came.

Pancreatic.

I was out on the canals, taking a long walk to clear my angry head. I woke up in a foul mood, one of those days where you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I was angry over the whole situation. I had nightmares that night, and woke up and cried, and then just lay in my bed feeling waves of anger and sorrow washing over me, as strong as any physical tide. So, I decided the best plan of action was not to just remain in bed stewing (which I had considered), but to get up and out, and let the wind and the sun clear away the damage.

As soon as I started down the path, earbuds in, Joyce Meyer going, my phone started blowing up. That irritated me even further initially, until I saw it was Dr. H. My breath caught, and for a second, I contemplated letting it go to voice mail. I wasn't sure I could handle the call alone, but that instant of cowardice immediately passed, and I picked up the call. Dr. H. was as jovial and to the point as usual, "Pancreatic, I'm afraid, as we had suspected, but hoped against. But, don't lose hope, his case is extremely unusual, so perhaps he has a fighting chance!" Then, he began to list all of the week's goings ons, including port surgery, chemo consultations, and chemo itself. I just slowed my pace down until I came to a bench, and after we hung up, sat there staring at the ducks in the canal.

After a while of just feeling the wind and the sun, I roused myself, and called Mark. From the conversation, I could tell the doctor had not called him. He had left me to the task. I decided not to tell him that news over the phone, it was not a kind or caring way to do that. When Mark asked if I had heard news from the doctor, I said he had just given me some information about changing the appointments around, but hopefully we would hear something by the end of the day. I know it was a white lie, but it could not be helped.

I pulled myself slowly together, went home and washed up, left a steak for Anthony, and headed out to meet him. I told him the diagnosis at the end of his work day, when we were alone, and he was finished and closing up his office. He took it stoically and resignedly. We both knew this was a possibility, we had just prayed it wasn't, but we knew it could be, so it wasn't a complete shock. We hugged, left quietly, and went back to his mother's farmhouse where he could rest and I could make him a light supper.

We talked about his wishes, final arrangements, and other things that made me so sad and queasy inside, but he initiated it, and I had to respect him, and give him a measure of control over the possibilities, so he can feel at peace with everything that is going on. He told me all he wanted done should he lose his battle, and I promised him it would be so. He said wanted his post-funeral luncheon at the restaurant we had our wedding reception in, so he could feel as if he is there with us. I cried about that all night, the thought of it, the bittersweet mix of grief and memories of past happiness that would be there, even if he wasn't.

But, I resolved myself to help him battle this out to the end. Cancer is not going to claim another person in my life without getting a good ass-whooping itself. It's a dark, vampire entity, and we are busting out the garlic (literally!) and every weapon in the arsenal. Cancer, watch out.

Quiet

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 15:21:00 +0000

It's nice and quiet this morning, with the occasional car passing by, and the sound of the rain hitting the window. I slept very late this morning, almost until 10 a.m., but I don't care. I needed it, for sure.

Mark also got some rest, and was off to work as usual today. He says he feels better, and for that, I am happy. He will be doctor free (hopefully) until Tuesday, when he goes in for his port. I know how important it is for him to have his life back, and to be able to do the things he usually does, so being able to work, visiting friends and new places, go out for dinner, etc. are all things we are looking forward to getting back to doing. It's been a really tough month.

In the quiet, I find myself disconcerted. Now that I have time to think and breath, I feel anxious. I look at my paint brushes, and find they just stare back at me absently. They don't beckon me, and I don't feel compelled to pick them up. It is a strange feeling. I just stare out the window at the rain, as if a giant blister has enveloped my mind, both drowning and insulating it at the same time. I don't feel anything, just anxious, and it's a vague, queasy anxiousness, an anticipatory anxiousness, as if I was waiting for something, and I don't know what.

I was so exhausted last night, and I had tons of stuff to do. I had to enlist Gabby's help, poor girl, because I had to be both in Tamaqua to pick up Noelle and in Brodheadsville to pick up Anthony at the same time, and did not know how to navigate that. She was gracious and offered to drive Anthony home, since she was only a few miles away. I got Noelle, and by the time we all got back to the house, dropped them off, and left to get my truck (I had left it at the hospital yesterday and drove Mark home in his car), it was close to midnight. Everyone was hungry for a "midnight snack," so we went through the drive thru for some forbidden food, got my truck, and I bid Gabby "goodnight" and thank you.

As I pulled into the driveway at home, we have a very large streetlight that fully lights up our driveway. I got out of the car with my arms filled with a bag of junk food, sodas, purse, keys, cellphones, miscellaneous papers, etc., and as I closed the door to the car, the reflection in the window showed a figure running up behind me! It startled me so bad I dropped most of everything (including spilling Dr. Pepper down the front of my shirt), and whirled around, expecting to see someone literally face to face with me. I stood there a minute, looked around the car, composed myself, picked everything up, and spooked, walked toward the house. I saw movement by the bushes then, and that was enough. I burst into a full sprint to the house, got inside, and locked everything up, and delivered the disheveled food. I guess it was my mind playing tricks on me. I guess...either way, sleep was a welcome friend last night!

So, for today, I don't know. I don't know. I guess I am on autopilot, and things will figure themselves out as the day wears on.

Cancer sucks.

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 00:13:00 +0000

So, weeks have stretched on, days and days of test after horrible test, and we know that whatever cancer it is, the metastases need to be dealt with quickly, since that is the immediate threat to Mark. Biopsies, scopes, scans, blood workups, etc. and nothing shows why he keeps needing blood transfusions. I asked if it could be bone marrow failure, and that may be a possibility, but no one will know until the bloodwork is back, so we wait and wait.

Cancer is a never-ending waiting game. If you don't learn to deal with it, you will go insane for sure. Mark's up-and-down scopes were done today, and he could barely get himself up to bed. He was so drained from the the disgusting gallon of liquid he had to drink for the last 24 hours, plus no food, plus his counts being so low, he was staggering like a drunken sailor by the time we pulled into the driveway, and I was fearful he wouldn't be able to make it up the steps into bed. Thankfully, he did, and is sleeping comfortably now. Day by day is how we go.

I feel so drained, and frustrated. I feel helpless to answer his questions, and I am hardpressed to interpret what the doctor's tell me, and state the message both truthfully, compassionately, and in a way that will inspire him to continue to hope and fight. I am exhausted now too, and we are only a month into this nightmare. Prayers and praying help, and I have to just take it very very slow and not deal with the little things, just focus on the bigger issues in our day to day.

Yesterday, the high school called while I was in conference call with the doctor. They kept beeping and beeping persistently through, to the point where I thought it was some sort of an emergency, and put the doctor on hold for a moment. It was so a teacher could complain that my 17 year old young adult "sassed" her. Guess what? Deal with it yourself, Miss Teacher. 17 year-olds know the rules, and know that Mommy really can't do anything to punish them, especially in the midst of a crisis, so either my 17 year old follows the rules, or Miss Teacher does what she needs to do to discipline her. I told her that specifically, that my child is now a young adult, and "telling" on her to me was no longer the right course of action. To be frank, my 17 year-old needs to make up her own mind whether or not she wants to continue with her education and follow the rules, or not. That's the bottom line. Mommy can't repair everything any more, and Mommy needs to focus on her incredibly ill husband--that's where Mommy's responsibilities are.

Now, some people may find that offensive, but I don't care. I am old school, and I believe that if you are 17, can do whatever you feel like doing without your parents being able to do a thing about it, as is much of the case nowadays, then young adults can start taking responsibility for their actions as well. Bottom line. Do the right thing, or pay the consequences in your life--all people need to learn that, and when you are 17, it's a good time to begin. So, giving up the director's chair in everyone else's life has been a good start, and one of self-preservation. I have to help Mark get through this, and keep my own sanity as well.

Sucker punched

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 16:28:00 +0000

The news takes your breath away: cancer. It's as if someone rings your doorbell, and when you answer it, you get sucker punched in the face. There is no way to respond to it with any degree of logic or rationale...it just sucks away all of the air in your lungs, all of the reason in your mind.

That was the news we are facing. Cancer. How? Why? All of the usual thoughts start swirling around...and then the fear grips you like a boa constrictor, getting tighter with each breath. I have to just shake away the negative, and move with the positive and constructive.

So, Mark is ill. I still can't comprehend it. The enormity of it is so large, it's like squeezing an elephant into your Volkswagen Beetle.

Now, he just needs help, kindness, understanding, and support. We must get him situated, we must get him into his treatment immediately, and we must make sure we can all work together to make sure his days are happy ones, ones that will bring him peace and comfort, no matter what God decides for him.

So, we begin the odyssey. Biopsies, surgeries, chemotherapy... I pray for strength, wisdom, courage, and faith. For all of us.

Maelstrom

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 16:04:00 +0000

"Quiet tree in the flower meadow" by Hilary J. England, 2013
12" x 12" oil on hardwood panel

Life is still a maelstrom, but I am fighting my way through the tornadic winds. Some very disconcerting and ominous events have taken place lately, and until we better have a full grasp on the implications, I rather defer to say any particulars, except that this will be a truly humbling lesson in Christian love for me, and perhaps one that was overdue.

I have to look at this situation from that point of view, because there is no other point of view that makes sense, or hits the bottom of my gut with the resounding thud of truth, that leaves that feeling of knowledge so plain, it's like seeing the nose on your own face. The feeling of, "How did I not see this coming?" or "I was blind and much worse." I can only pray now for the strength and grace to continue to make the right decisions, and overcome anything bad in this situation with love. Love conquers all things, and now, I have a chance to see this in action.

So, here is a painting I painted while ruminating and meditating on all of these ponderings. I needed something to reflect how I was feeling, which was sad, but hopeful, nostalgic, but grateful. I don't feel afraid anymore. I know there is a reason and a plan, and if the Lord took me to it, there is a vital and essential reason I must experience these things, and He will get me through it. It may be very painful, but we all know that growth and change are painful at best, so I will just trust and not fight against these things.

Porcupines

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Sat, 16 Mar 2013 12:34:00 +0000

"Lonely tree on the farm" by Hilary J. England
oil on canvas panel, 8" x 11", 2013

I'm a little slow on the uptake today, maybe more coffee will help. I think it's all the green smoothies I drank yesterday, my body must be in health shock, haha! Anthony has started on an all juice fast for the next 10 days, and I hear the juice machine whizzing and whizzing as he makes up jar after jar of concoctions, all to be optimally consumed within 12 to 24 hours (or they lose their "value") so whatever is left over in the jar gets poured in my glass. I'm on veggie overload! You'd think that those veggies are crack, the energy it gives him! Me, well, they just fill me up, so I guess that's good too.

I was supposed to have a moving sale today, but that's not going to be possible, so I'm lucky I didn't advertise (just rely on foot traffic), or people would be irritated. I have a large project due on Monday, and need to work on it, plus, I'm not conducting this alone. Let the other "half" help dissolve our marital life together. I'm sick of shouldering the load for other people's mistakes. Anywaaaaaaaaayy....

The weather is slowly coming around, which always bolsters my spirits! The smell of the damp earthy air in the morning is so satisfying, you can smell the new life of flowers bursting through the ground, and it electrifies me. Spring is always such a welcome time of year, and even in the midst of personal troubles, I can't deny it's power.

I'm hoping to complete this move within the next two weeks, and we still need to get our dresses altered for Jill's wedding, as well as get Anthony's suit, shoes, Noelle's shoes, etc., plus start planning our trip in (parking, etc.), all while wrapping up my last week in this course, and starting another. I CAN'T WAIT to graduate in June and be done with all of this. I'm exhausted at this point, but I know the end is in sight...at least for this leg of the journey.

So, enjoy the little painting above, and more to come!

Wind and sun

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 21:16:00 +0000

What a day! The sun is beautiful, but the wind, holy moly! Almost knocked my car off the road, and that's quite the task, since the Blazer is a little hulk, and not a lightweight.

Moving along toward the MOVE. I'm trying not to think about all of the little odds and ends that need to be tied up, and just going along, one day at a time, getting what needs to be done out of the way. At least we remain within the same school district, which is a blessing.

Well, working on another painting, will have it up for tomorrow.

Have a nice evening, and stay anchored!

Spring is springing

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 20:57:00 +0000

"Foggy garden with visitor"
by Hilary J. England
8" x 11" oil on canvas panel

I went out and smelled the fresh, clean air after the torrential rains of this morning, and can say most certainly that Spring is in the air. I'm excited, and have lots of plans for the next several months, including the possibility of a residency in Sumatra. That might be pretty cool.

So, I will post up more stuff as I go along, and as I close this chapter of my life up, and emerge as a free woman again!

Moving is a B*tch!

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 05:23:00 +0000

Moving is a b*tch! Everything about it sucks! But, once it's over, a new chapter begins, and new adventures as well.

I have been working on a few little paintings, and pondering a new series, but I will not formally tackle that until we are settled in our new place. That will take some concentration, and I cannot do that until this chaos is all cleared up. My divorce should be finalized in three months, my graduation is in two months (and no, I will probably not return for another degree until at least January!), and my lovely sister's wedding is in three weeks, so there are many many things to keep me busy in the next few months, so a new series will have to wait until June to embark on it.

I will however, post up any plein air work I do, so that will keep my mind moving along nicely as well!

So, good night, and I'm looking forward to posting some new work in the next few days.

Amazing freedom!

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 06:40:00 +0000

It's been a while. I guess I was overwhelmed--cancer threat, flu, various other hideous personal issues...end result: moving through divorce.

Another divorce. I loathed the idea, until: _________. I hope he and his new woman are happy. I'll send them a housewarming gift.

So, Jesu! My life is....my life. I don't sweat these things any more, because of the pace of things--I remain focused on the prize: My relationship with God, my purpose on this Earth, and of course, the beautiful people I am privileged to know, mostly in the form of family, from all generations.

Do I feel badly? Of course. How would you feel? Betrayed. Plus other feelings. But, I move on. Obviously, he didn't love me any more than I loved him....God works in strange ways for us both. We are both set free from this mess.

I don't hate, any more than I can hope he has no hard feelings toward me. This year has been incredibly hard: a cancer scare, flu that nearly killed me, other problems, and just when I thought I was through the rain...this. Oh, but this was probably the worst. A complete backstab.

I can't dwell on it. Just move on. I feel it tomorrow, or another day, just not today. Today, I have to deal with all of the troubles that today brings, and a backstabbing, wayward, lying husband is not worth it. Let him deal with his own shortcomings, along with the woman he is with, and who contacted me, to start the ball rolling. I thank God for the blessing of knowing, and being finally FREE.

So, divorce is not always a bad thing.

Lovely things and future hopes

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Sun, 03 Feb 2013 19:32:00 +0000

"Study of twilight over water"

I am finally starting to feel better, after a month of misery. Still not 100%, but much better. This has been an absolute misery, this last month, but I am grateful to be feeling better, and just want to forget all about it now.

It was more than the flu, though. I had a pretty bad health scare at the beginning of the month, one that's not entirely over or resolved yet, but I am hoping for the best, so that also contributed to all of this misery as well. I am confident that everything will work itself out, and that allowed me to have peace after the initial shock of what was possibly going on. No one ever thinks anything bad can actually happen to them, I admit this to be true, so when the impossible starts creeping into the realm of possible, it's a gnawing and inescapable lonely fear. I did work through all of this in the last month, and I feel somewhat confident to face whatever possibility is being pitched at me at this point. I have only positive thoughts for the future, and I won't waiver in that, no matter what. God is on my side!

So, with this mindset, I will march into the next few months, and I anticipate the beautiful Spring, and all of the joys that it brings. I have some very happy things to look forward to, including my lovely sister's wedding and all of the nuptial festivities, my graduation in June, a move to new digs, so there is lots to be happy about. No matter what goes on in the realm of my health issue, I will still face it with confidence that God is with me, and will never give me more than I can bear. I keep the positive always ahead of me, and focus on those things that are lovely and joyful, and continue to go forward.

Ugh!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Fri, 18 Jan 2013 00:16:00 +0000

Ugh. Flu. Flu flu flu. I have been sick as a dog for nearly a week now, and boy does it STINK. I have struggled through this for the last week, and now I going to give in go to the Doctor.

So, after yesterday's snow/ice storm, and being stuck in my bed for the last week, I'm ready to climb the walls!!!

I can't wait to get better and get back to working on some new works. I have some good ideas for some new pieces, and even a new series. It would be a blend of oil paintings, digital work, and maybe some sculpture as well.

That's that for now!

Christmas Season

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Sat, 08 Dec 2012 21:41:00 +0000

"Study of footbridge in the snow" by Hilary J. England
oil on canvas, 8" x 11" x 2", 2012

Well, the Christmas season is upon us again, it seems the years go by faster and faster! I always loved Christmas, and the other holidays such as Hanukkah, since they are so festive and bring such happy remembrances with them, it's always a nostalgic time of year.

I have been very busy this year, making home-made gifts like strawberry jam and different types of fudge, so I had to make time to get into my groove with keeping moving forward with work. I have pondering new directions for the new year, and that always makes me antsy...like I'm ready to shed my skin or something. I'm trying not to think to hard about it though. It will come to me when I'm ready, eventually.

So, in the meantime, I continue working on little local plein air works. That always seems to keep my mind somewhat serene, and open to new conceptual works I'm pondering.

Post Thanksgiving

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Mon, 26 Nov 2012 20:39:00 +0000

"Study of icy farm fields in Pennsylvania" by Hilary J. England
8" x 11" oil on canvas

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and now we move into Christmas. I enjoyed the holiday with my family, even if the 20 or so people was a bit overwhelming, it was a jolly time, and worth the three day post holiday clean-up!

Now, the quiet days before Christmas, if we can fathom that. I don't proscribe to all of the crazy holiday shopping, etc. I prefer to do things a little more slowly, and to give gifts from the heart, like home-made gifts, etc. Plus, one really nice-store bought gift!

So, in the quiet late-Autumn, early Winter landscape...the frigid, frosty days and nights have been giving some very serene and lovely little vignettes for me to absorb, like the one above.

Parallax opening

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Sat, 17 Nov 2012 14:25:00 +0000

Parallax AF 2012
Prince George Hotel Ballroom, NYC

The show began last night, with a very heavy turnout, much more than I expected, due to all of the problems the city is still suffering after Hurricane Sandy. The place was packed and bustling, which is always a positive note. Many were more subdued than in the past, but given the nature of events in the last few weeks, that is to be expected.

Getting in to the city was not bad, and cross town traffic was about normal so that leg of the journey was unexpectedly smooth. Mounting the show in an hour? An absolute record! We were like a Nascar pit team, with only one incident of someone getting yelled at, and that would be when Mark nearly drilled a screw through my finger, LOL. And yes, I yelled at him. And yes, he understood why he got yelled at, haha.

So, we were able to clean up, get back to the LES, grab an amazingly nice quick dinner of eggplant rollatini, stuffed mushrooms, chicken marsala with sauteed veggies, cappuccino, and even a piece of chocolate tiramisu at Goodfellas Pizzeria, buy a cashmere coat in a boutique, organic shampoo soap, shampoo and conditioner, shower up, primp and perfume, and out the door back to the venue for the preview party. Talk about doing things on the fly!!

We stayed the necessary length of time, and met some very new and interesting people, including another artist from Colombia, just passing through by way of Boston. The wine flowed and the ballroom moved and heaved with so many people, it was as if there was an actual ball going on. It was quite amazing to see that many people come in for good art and free wine. I guess that combo does the trick! After leaving the preview party, we headed back to Orchard Street, where there was another gallery opening, and just took a peek in there. Good things, and they were also enjoying a boisterous night, with lots of walk in traffic from the street.

I headed up early though. A fifth floor walk up, sky high heels, and a long day all were factors in my just wanting to tuck in and relax. I could hear the party in the street, and that is OK...I remember hearing that same sort of laughter in Paris, a timeless gaiety. It was more of a comfort than an annoyance, that sound of happy oblivion. Made me smile and think of happy days, and that is never a bad thing either.

Autumn breeze

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Sun, 28 Oct 2012 14:12:00 +0000

"Autumn farm field" by Hilary J. England, 2012
oil on canvas, 8" x 11" x 2"

The weather has been absolutely pristine, with cool, temperate breezes that bring that clean, brisk scent of Fall...the scent that brings to mind mysterious things, like harvest moons, pumpkins, spicy apple cider, and perhaps even a witch riding her broom across the moon! I love autumn, and all of the changes that come with it.

As I was walking through the damp grass yesterday, I could smell the end of the season with all of the tomatoes now hanging limp and brown, falling to the earth in a rotten heap. The morning glories all flash froze during the first frost, literally. It was like, one day they were there, albeit covered in a light layer of glittering frost, and by noon, they had all shriveled into nothing, completely withered and brown. What a sight. Now, we have to rip them all down, since it is quite unsightly, and the seeds are all over the porch. That's OK though, because they are worth it for the time they bloom.

This weather has allowed me to do some plein air painting, quite a few little local paintings. I love that, and look forward to this time of year to be able to stretch my legs and let my mind fly free with the wind, it's as if my brain just goes into relaxation mode, and I just go with the flow of enjoying the process.

As I was walking out to my studio to gather my gear, the Eagle of 895 soared down low over the yard, and I literally met him eye to eye. What a beautiful beautiful creature. That made my day.

So, here is one of my local paintings: "Autumn farm field" oil on canvas, 8" x 11" x 2". Enjoy!!!

Day to day

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Tue, 23 Oct 2012 21:00:00 +0000

"Denver and Montauk"
Oil on canvas, 16" x 20"

Here is a new commissioned work I just completed. I think it came out quite well, as it was a very difficult balance to strike, with all of the subtle symbolism to be included in it. I think it is rather esoteric. I am quite happy with it actually. I love quirky things.

Envy

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Wed, 17 Oct 2012 21:21:00 +0000

"Envy"
Mixed media, wood, metal, plastic, shells, lead, gunpowder, 2012

A DIVINE IMAGE

BY WILLIAM BLAKE

Cruelty has a Human Heart

And Jealousy a Human Face

Terror the Human Form Divine

And Secrecy, the Human Dress

The Human Dress, is forged Iron

The Human Form, a fiery Forge.

The Human Face, a Furnace seal'd

The Human Heart, its hungry Gorge.

*************************************************************************************************

We aspire to be kind and good people, but for all of us, this is a very hard balance to maintain. Envy and jealousy were never really character issues I was prone to, at least if listing the Seven Deadlies. Anger, yes. Sloth, sometimes. Gluttony, for sure. Pride, most certainly. Greed, on occasion. Lust, well, absolutely. But Envy? This I never thought I was guilty of. I didn't think I was a "jealous" type, and certainly was never possessive of the people in my life, quite the opposite. I was a very big proponent of the old adage"If you love me set me free" sentiment, so how did jealousy fit into the scheme of things? I wasn't covetous of other people, their things, their positions, their lives...so, I thought, I guess I am not guilty of envy? But, after examining some lingering resentments I still had stored away in the baggage compartment of my own personal "closet," I realized I was also guilty of that sin as well. Somewhere along the road of life during my journey, there were occasions in my life that I felt I was "shortchanged" during certain periods and under certain circumstances, and I had felt bitterness over that. Maybe not now, but then I did, so even though I thought, "Aha! A sin I am not guilty of!" I actually had to own up to this one too. After all, I am only human as well.

Where does time go?

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Sun, 07 Oct 2012 15:52:00 +0000

"Autumn path" by Hilary J. England
12" x 16" oil on canvas, 2012

Wow, a week has slipped by me, and I feel like I was in some kind of a coma or something, since it just scooted on by without my realizing it. That's kind of scary. I just don't feel like I got a whole lot done, and that depresses me, after all, time is what life is made of, and I don't like losing a resource I can never get back.

I have not been sleeping very well, and I think that is the problem. I can think of a few reasons, and they, both non-material and people, are going to get confronted. Now, there won't be a smack-down or anything, LOL, just one particular person is going to be told to be a bit more quite in the middle of the night, and I am going to confront what physically may be going on that I am having a hard time falling and staying asleep. That's what I mean.

I was supposed to meet up and paint with some other artists yesterday, but the rain began, and it looked like it would stay that way, so I decided against it. Then, lo and behold, at around 4 pm, it cleared up and became sunny and warm. Of course. So, rather than getting cheated out of a painting day, I went down the street and sat in the woods, looking for something to strike my fancy. Since I was in a brain fog due to lack of sleep, I just began to zone out and paint away at nothing, literally just the path in front of me, and the interesting way the soft light fell through the trees onto the ground, with all of the leaves that are already down (when did that happen? I feel like it happened in one day!). So, here is the result, and I hope you enjoy it, and enjoy the change of season in your area as well!

Parallax AF

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Tue, 02 Oct 2012 18:55:00 +0000

Study of flowers and twilight sky, by Hilary J. England
12" x 16", oil on canvas, 2012

I am looking forward to the Parallax AF in NYC on November 16-18. Should be an amazing fair, and I am really excited to meet new and exciting people. I have been putting together my work for the show, and also working on lots of new stuff, but have been having a lot of distractions with annoying little stuff, but I shoulder through it. My back has really been bothering me, even with my new mattress, and so I have cut my cross training down and will try some less intense stuff, maybe yoga, instead. I am just so sick of having a hurting neck and back, that if I could swap out bodies, I would, LOL.

I am thoroughly wired on green tea today, and despite the driving rain, I've gotten a lot of stuff done, which is good. Maybe I can relax later, after all, it's supposed to be my "day off" today. Funny, that never seems to happen. I'm ALWAYS "working," even when I'm sleeping. How tiresome sometimes.

So, I have to go out and papier mache my new sculpture, finish working on a commissioned artwork, and I was hoping to squeeze a run in later, but this rain seems to be relentless, so I may have to skip that idea.

I hope you enjoy this quick study. I really have been enjoying mixing colors and doing color studies, and twilight skies really present an interesting way to continue with my color drills. I do enjoy them...they make me dream of good things to come, and hope for the next day. Hey, that's all any of us can really hope for anyway.

Check it out!

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Sat, 29 Sep 2012 17:03:00 +0000

"The Dorm" by Hilary J. England
2012, Digital Art

I had strange dreams last night, but that is nothing new. I woke up a bit foggy (and no, there were no substances involved!) and the gray weather really matched my mindset. I think I was thinking about the state of things, our culture, the changes we go through, and feeling somewhat frustrated about our lack of cohesion for any sort of standard of measurement or belief system. Our state of anti Art.

Still, I think our state of anti Art is a good reflection of our absurdness, or hypocritical or "duality" of thought. It seems there is no linear thought processes, or a rational way of deriving a conclusion. So, this causes me, as a human human, a bit of vertigo. Yet, I still manage to form my own little world to counter the tilt-a-whirl of the planet that seems to be in constant, random motion.

In my own work, I like to explore subjects I am thoroughly familiar with, and human processes that are universal, even if the "window dressings" are a little different from culture to culture, or due to a "generation gap." No matter how well you think you know a subject matter, you never really do. That's what I love about humankind. The sameness and the differentness of our humanity.

I also enjoy other artwork that I can derive a sense of truth from, a universal commonality, a thread that runs through all experiences. I have found a really amazing website lately (or shall I say, they found me), and after doing a good deal of exploration on it, would love to pass it along to you, my friends. The website is www.artsia.com and the spectrum of different, quality work on it is really very stimulating and impressive. If you are looking to purchase the most current, important work that is being produced around the globe, here is a website that you want to visit. If you just want to browse to get an idea of current art trends, read some very informative articles (they have a very thorough article section), etc., you should also stop by Artsia.com.

Artsia.com is different than many other websites because the work is juried onto the site, rather than allowing anyone to post, and I know that some people feel very strongly that jurying is exclusionary, I do think that it works for Artsia.com. Artsia.com is looking for a certain caliber of work, and through a panel of curators, can achieve a very wide selection of quality artwork to suit all tastes and worldviews, so again, I think the jurying of artwork onto Artsia.com works very well.

So, that's that for today. I hope you enjoyed my newest work, "The Dorm" as much as I enjoyed exploring the world of college freshmen. Always a treat and a trip down memory lane!

Welcome Autumn!!

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Sun, 23 Sep 2012 20:35:00 +0000

"Study of marsh at sunset with wildflowers" by Hilary J. England, 2012
oil on canvas, 8" x 11"

Ah, beautiful Autumn!!! The air is crisp and clean, and the tips of the trees are turning that deep tinged burgundy, before becoming blazing orange and lovely yellow. I love driving through the rolling farm country and seeing the beautiful fields of ragweed and wildflowers, so very magnificent.

I hadn't been doing much plein air painting, but I did for the last few days, getting some time together to bust the cobwebs off my guerrilla box, which as been sitting quietly since France two months ago. That's OK though, as I have been pursuing other projects, and new projects are always a breath of fresh air.

So, here is my painting from a few days ago, out in the marshy area, the blue mountains in the background. Just a quick study, but I enjoyed it immensely. Doing little landscapes makes me feel at home, and that is always a welcome feeling.

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Sat, 22 Sep 2012 15:46:00 +0000

"Shattered" by Hilary J. England, 2012

I had many thoughts of the poems of Longfellow when I was creating this, in particular, "Footsteps of Angels."

"Footsteps of Angels" by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

FOOTSTEPS OF ANGELS

When the hours of Day are numbered,
And the voices of the Night
Wake the better soul, that slumbered,
To a holy, calm delight;

Ere the evening lamps are lighted,
And, like phantoms grim and tall,
Shadows from the fitful firelight
Dance upon the parlor wall;

Then the forms of the departed
Enter at the open door;
The beloved, the true-hearted,
Come to visit me once more;

He, the young and strong, who cherished
Noble longings for the strife,
By the roadside fell and perished,
Weary with the march of life!

They, the holy ones and weakly,
Who the cross of suffering bore,
Folded their pale hands so meekly,
Spake with us on earth no more!

And with them the Being Beauteous,
Who unto my youth was given,
More than all things else to love me,
And is now a saint in heaven.

With a slow and noiseless footstep
Comes that messenger divine,
Takes the vacant chair beside me,
Lays her gentle hand in mine.

And she sits and gazes at me
With those deep and tender eyes,
Like the stars, so still and saint-like,
Looking downward from the skies.

Uttered not, yet comprehended,
Is the spirit’s voiceless prayer,
Soft rebukes, in blessings ended,
Breathing from her lips of air.

Oh, though oft depressed and lonely,
All my fears are laid aside,
If I but remember only
Such as these have lived and died!

I created this in response to the sadness of having recently attended yet another funeral for a young person (he was just 19, and he drowned during a day of innocent fun with some friends at the local river), and to the pain of having to gaze into another coffin and see the monumental loss and tragedy it is and was. The thought of these types of tragedies sometimes overwhelm me. All that had spanned in front of him, all of the potential for beauty and truth, all of his talent, all of his love, were all gone in an instant.

The others that went before him paraded through my mind, the suicide, the murder victim, the car accident, the drug overdose, the lingering death from cancer. Before, they were living and vital and burning bright and now, they had been reduced to a set of circumstances...their wings clipped off in mid-flight. I began to sway under the burden of thought of how fragile our existence is. We can never lose control of our life, because we never have that. We can disorder our lives with the way we live, or reorder it again, but never control it. That is just a myth and a fantasy, a slick and very glib lie told by people who are secretly scared witless.

When I walk among their graves, I feel such a mixed emotion. We all wind up there eventually, despite our best and vainest attempts to keep death away. But, where are our dead friends really? That is the mystery that propels us forward, despite of what we believe or do not believe. The answer is in the recesses of this universe. Inside, we know somehow some mysterious force holds the answer to that eternal question, and keeps the inhabitants of this world in never-ending turmoil as they seek it. Some find it, and find peace, or so they claim. Others openly proclaim they cannot. Most of us fall somewhere between those two extremes...ever plodding away, ever searching, secretly yearning, quietly hoping, sometimes even daring to believe. I suppose that might be the core essence of faith, the seed of it. What grows from there depends on the type of faith, and each individual must explore that solitary road on their own.

"A promise"

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Fri, 21 Sep 2012 20:59:00 +0000

"A promise" by Hilary J. England, 2012, wood, glass, wax, paint

This artwork was based on Wordsworth's "Ode on intimations of mortality"~

Thoughts:

Immortality, mortality, the immortality of love, and the reality of the expectations that usually fall far short

of the dreamy prospects we cling to secretly in our hearts.

A promise, a promise. The hollow resonance of that promise that echoes through the recesses of our minds...

you promised. You didn't keep it. The promise was beautiful, pure, full of hope and possibilities,

and now, it is just a bitter memory. How quickly a promise or vow can move from the heights of Heaven

to the depths of the swampy marshes of pain and misery. Beautiful youth is never too far removed to even

bring hope to the oldest of our sphere with a promise.

Promise is the equivalent of optimistic hope, joy, expectation, and the idea that all is not absurd and

irrational.

A promise promises to set things right, to bring nobility to an ignoble situation, to restore harmony and

honor.

Yet, most promises are just wispy vapors, holograms, or phantoms.

How strange to find a promise unbroken during the course of a lifetime--akin tofinding a unicorn,

or a field of four-leaf clovers.

Yet, we still light up like a child deep inside, even against our own rationale, our own free-thinking

will,

when we are promised something, whether it is a large promiseor a small vow.

Promises still hold power.

Virus

noreply@blogger.com (Hilary England) — Thu, 06 Sep 2012 21:27:00 +0000

I have had a virus of some sort I can't seem to shake. The local doc says it has been going around the neighborhood like wildfire, a strange sort of illness. I just feel tired and sweaty, with a nonstop headache, and random feelings of vertigo. Not pleasant, and very low-grade. It seems to not want to go away for the last five or so days. Yuck.

Besides that, I am trying to barrel through it. I have been working pretty steadily, even though I feel like total garbage and very crabby. I am getting geared up for a few different shows, but the one I am most excited about right now is the Parallax AF NYC in Chelsea. It is a curious and really heavy hitting new show in NYC, and I was invited to participate and did so with great anticipation. Should be an amazing show, with amazing artists, and I am happy to be a part of it. It's running from 11/16-11/18 in Chelsea, NYC. Check out my website at: www.hilaryjengland.com for the full scoop.

I have been working in several different mediums, each of them really helpful to the thematic motif of rural American youth. This is the second mixed media artwork I just finished. It is called, "Goodbye"

Here are the thoughts for this piece:

"I think, therefore I am." ~Descartes As we grow from barely thinking human beings into fully aware adults, I noticed a change of perspective that comes along with this blossoming and awareness. Many times, violent emotions are involved, and in the heat of these conflicts, truth often arises.

It is said that change is hard, but many times that is an understatement. This artwork "Goodbye" addresses the complexities of the basic principle of change, and the awareness of our movements toward and away from each other. In the marketplace of ideas, we orbit through many different spheres, sometimes touching, sometimes overlapping, but many times, we can find ourselves at opposite ends of the universe of our reality from people we profess to love and care about, on ever level a human can experience. Love is a small word for the size and breadth of the psyche it occupies.

No matter how far along a person is on the journey that is life, the death of a relationship and the moment of clarity when it strikes is always a new experience. Pain, confusion, anger, depression, relief, and sometimes even a dark form of joy are some of the conflicting and jagged emotions that can cloud or clarify judgment. Often, the experience is so profound, it is life altering.

I constructed this artwork of found and ready-made objects. The base is a stripped wooden pedestal, and on that I mounted a wine bottle that I found and cleaned. It was fixed to the base and was papier mached into place, sprayed with spray paint. The .22 caliber bullets are live rounds, fixed, and painted with black enamel nail polish, as is the archway into the piece, which I constructed of left over wedding cake mountings. Rhinestones mark the phantasms that are floating ideas or dreams.

The piece symbolizes danger, nostalgia, wistful remembrances, sober realization, and of course, a vault into the unknown.