Funny Things

Don't Mess With Women

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 17:51:00 -0700

.
Crabs

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs. The flight attendant took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs, and proceeded to rant on and on about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
She was really annoyed by his behaviour so shortly before landing in New York she announced loudly over the intercom, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”
Of course, not one hand went up; so she took them home and ate them herself.

She Can't Put on my Pants, She's Wearing Them!

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness which he read on the way home; he had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.

Ready for the Hunt

A couple is hunting in the woods; suddenly, the man falls to the ground. The wife examines him; his eyes are rolled back in his head and he doesn't seem to be breathing.
The wife whips out her cell phone and calls emergency services.
"My husband is dead! What can I do?" She gasps into the phone.
The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The woman comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"
.

Bellow the Belt Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Thu, 9 Apr 2009 18:11:00 -0700

Top ten things not to say on your Wedding Anniversary

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Wed, 8 Apr 2009 15:00:00 -0700

.
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay...How about we go to Pizza Hut?
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
.

Parallel Pain

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Wed, 8 Apr 2009 14:36:00 -0700

Somebody went for broke after breaking

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Mon, 6 Apr 2009 11:30:00 -0700

A Must!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Sun, 5 Apr 2009 18:07:00 -0700

A Peck at the Pecker-head or A Turkey for the Turkey

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Sun, 5 Apr 2009 18:02:00 -0700

Oral or Anal?

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 18:38:00 -0700

Coke Ad Adds Cok

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Tue, 3 Mar 2009 02:26:00 -0800

What Sells More? A Pussy or Jesus?

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Mon, 2 Mar 2009 16:59:00 -0800

Cheap Help is Expensive

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Sun, 1 Mar 2009 05:14:00 -0800

Stuck? All you need is a strong strap, some friends, and plenty of duct tape...

Tracking Tracks

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 09:36:00 -0800

Remote Activity

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 09:21:00 -0800

Costume Party Problem

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 08:26:00 -0800

Married Life 2

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 06:59:00 -0800

.
After completing his examination, the doctor took her husband aside. "I don’t like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, Doc." Said the husband. "But she’s a good cook and the kids seem to like her."

Wife - Honey, there is a man at the door, said you are his close relative and he can prove it.
Husband - He must be a complete idiot.
Wife - True, but I think he has other proof.

The 50-ish wife comes up to her husband and says, 'So, Harvey. What do you think of my new bra-less look? Does it make me look younger?'
'It does!' Harvey says. 'It pulls all the wrinkles out of your face!'

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

A friend asks another about his secret for such a long and successful marriage.
The friend answers, "We take the time to go to a restaurant two times a week for a nice candlelight dinner with soft music and enjoy a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; I get Fridays."

Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," Jack answers, "why, I hardly know the girl."
.

Funny Signs - A Collection

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 17:11:00 -0800

Another Mc-Victory

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 15:50:00 -0800

Ideal Work Schedule

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 15:46:00 -0800

No Feeding or Molesting

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 01:47:00 -0800

Stand Aside

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 01:41:00 -0800

Comedian - Russell Peters

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 22:43:00 -0800

If you like stand up comedy, there's more at the bottom.

Future Digs

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 16:06:00 -0800

Bar Jokes 2

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 15:55:00 -0800

.
A drunk stumbles out a bar late one night and starts walking home! 1 foot on the curb...1 foot on the street...1 on the curb...1 on the street! A police officer walk up to him and says "HEY...YOU DRUNK?" The Drunk looks at him and says" Thank God...I thought I was Cripple"

A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?" The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!" The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"

Drunken Prayer
Our Lager, Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen.
.

Your Teeth... and More?

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 10:32:00 -0800

Two Words: Bigger Bucket

noreply@blogger.com (Funny Things) — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 10:13:00 -0800