Surefiresundays

Ladidums

2009-12-05T11:34:00.002+08:00

Because I underestimated the freeness of people.

Melodramatic posts are not meant to be read, seriously.

PS. I have plane tickets. $2.4k NW 20 Jan to 16 June Singapore to Ithaca return JFK to Singapore. Now I pray that visa stuff goes okay.

Stupidity

2009-12-05T02:23:00.003+08:00

Και ξέρω σ' αγαπώ Επειδή με βλάπτετε τόσο πολύ Όλοι οι φίλοι μου σας μισούν Κανένας δεν μπορεί να δει πώς you' επαν αγαθό για με όχι ακόμη και εγώ Ακόμα σας άφησα να κάνετε αυτό σε με Σας άφησα να με βλάψετε αυτό πολύ Και όμως σ' αγαπώ Σας αγαπώ ακόμα Ποτέ σκεπτόμενο it' το δ είναι όπως αυτό σήμερα μερικές ώρες Ένα εισιτήριο αεροπλάνων στη Νέα Υόρκη 5 μήνες μόνοι Αλλά πρέπει να γίνει Κατόπιν I' ll πηγαίνετε στο σπίτι σας Όπου τόσοι πολλοί χρόνοι Σας δώστε ένα παρόν Προσποιηθείτε εκείνο το it' επιθυμία μπισκότων του s ακριβώς περιστασιακή εσείς χρόνια πολλά Χαμόγελο όπως τον doesn' τ που βλάπτεται Το κεφάλι μου, η καρδιά μου. Τα δάκρυα μου. Έχετε μια μεγάλη ημέρα, αγάπη.

Xanax

2009-12-02T11:08:00.003+08:00

Some people should just accept the fact that they don't have the chops to argue with me. It's not that I want to be conceited, but well, I just am. Because I have the credentials. You'd beat me elsewhere, but when it comes to this, trust me, I know more than you, so fuck off, read a bit, and come back when you can actually show that you know what you are talking about.

Finals

2009-12-02T01:40:00.008+08:00

Why is it all so confusing?

What is important, and what isn't?

I am so sure of the way I feel,

But I'm not sure if it's the best option.

I'm not even sure if the choice is mine.

But at the very least I need to know,

What to feel, where to stand.

To not think, would be a mistake.

To over think it, would be a mistake.

I just don't know what to do,

Or if I should even be wondering at all.

Because the only difference it would make,

Is in my stupid little heart.

And last night, I had the best dream and the worse nightmare, back-to-back.

Why does the pain go on and on and on?

Ambien

2009-11-29T11:47:00.006+08:00

My flowing wax heart,
Cold but it doesn't stop.
Burn the wicks tomorrow,
It's already too late.
I need light for futile attempts,
To set it to flames again.
But the flows have no direction;
And they'll solidify, shapeless.

You know how I do.
You know what I mean, do you?

These Girls

(Rachael Yamagata)

I'm tired
of crying in bathrooms
and lighting drags
when I don't even smoke

Writing to no one
Sleeping with the hours
And sighing for a thousand things

So tired, ignoring your words
About a new girl

Watching flirtations
Whispered conversations

These girls, they don't know
How they kill me down
Whenever they hold his hand
And these girls
I'm getting old, just by
Being 'round them
They're breaking the future
I'll never hold again

So blue, I'm scratching at nothing
The tighter you hold him, the stronger he gets
Inside I'm spinning, my lesson
Lipstick & perfume, and fanciful speech
My suitcase is packed by the door
In case he comes crawling, like he did before

Baby come get me, don't you look over there

And these girls, they don't know
How they kill me down
Whenever they hold his hand
And these girls
I'm getting old, just by
Being 'round them
They're breaking the future
I'll never hold again

And these girls, if I had my chance
oh, I'll find a way to spell it out in the night
And these girls, it's dangerous
It's not their fault
But I'm so tired of being nice

Anywhere that I go, they appear before me
And everybody knows I'm addicted
to the object of their eyes

And these girls, they don't know
How they kill me down
Whenever they hold his hand
And these girls
I'm getting old, just by
Being 'round them
They're breaking the future
I'll never hold again

And these girls, if I had my chance
oh, I'll find a way to spell it out in the night
And these girls, it's dangerous
It's not their fault
But I'm so tired of being nice

So tired of being nice
So tired, so tired of being alone...

Seagull

2009-11-29T01:06:00.000+08:00

It hurt then,

Still hurts now.

But they all love you, they always do.

And I still don't know how to handle how I feel.

Flight Woes

2009-11-28T19:53:00.004+08:00

I am paying $2.6k and taking Northwest.

Reasons:

JFK doesn't fly domestic flights, which means I have to come in from La Guardia, Newark or Detroit, which makes it wayyy more expensive and has wayyy fewer flights.

I could go to JFK and then cab to La Guardia for the domestic leg, but I'll have to lug my luggage around, pay cab fare+tip, check in again, all within a short amount of time. Besides, I don't think it's a good idea to navigate NYC alone on my first trip there, with all my stuff.

That said, there are only 3 carriers to Ithaca's domestic airport: US Airways (too expensive), Continental (cheaper, but arrives at 11.30pm) or Northwest ($200 more, but arrives at 3.15pm). It sure doesn't make sense for me to arrive so late in the night when I'm alone and I have to be in school at 9am the next day (even if you don't count jet lag).

So... I'm taking Northwest.

The advantage is that it's the same carrier all 3 legs of the trip (stopover at Narita and Detroit) so there's a lower chance of my luggage being lost/missing my connection (well, they're likely to replace it anyway).

Haven't really decided when I'm gonna come back, but it'll be from NYC between 16-19th like the rest. Northwest again. Oh well, hopefully I get the "Becky" experience and not the "friends of Chi Hua and Aggie" one.

I should be making my booking on Thurs.

Hopefully nothing goes wrong, anymore :(

Nadir

2009-11-27T16:32:00.000+08:00

too much for myself,

not enough for the world.

Bleaurgh

2009-11-25T19:48:00.001+08:00

I HAVE GOT TO LEARN TO PRIORITIZE

I HAVE GOT TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH UNCOMFORTABLE QUESTIONS

I HAVE GOT TO GET A HOLD ON MYSELF

FUCK THE WORLD.

Toss & Turn

2009-11-21T23:20:00.002+08:00

Somehow, I know I'll probably never let go.

No time is a good time

2009-11-20T23:39:00.003+08:00

Maybe I'm no longer young,

There are things that I want,

Things that I need,

Perhaps I understand now.

I want to accept you for who you are,

But it's time to wake up.

I made a mistake;

Fettered Affections

2009-11-19T21:33:00.003+08:00

He was wrong in everything else,

But then he said "you're too softhearted"

I never thought of myself that way

And I remembered 2 years ago

When she said "you're playful"

I never thought of myself that way

I never constructed myself that way

But I don't construct myself anymore

And maybe he was right about me

Yet I'll never hear myself on the phone

Or look at my body with unfamiliar eyes

So no one knows me better than that "other"

And I have no choice but to take it hard.

I remember playing in the bathtub when I was young,

And how the warm, wet shower curtain felt on my skin.

2009-11-18T05:11:00.002+08:00

Just when I thought things were better, that I could just do the exams with a clear mind, a song comes along, to remind me of how much I love you, and all the things that I'm sorry for.

207 rant

2009-11-17T19:47:00.003+08:00

Just because

The Holocaust didn't personally affect us,

Doesn't give us the right

To make jokes about Hitler doing a more "complete job".

Am I the only one who finds it offensive?

Am I being over-sensitive?

Or is it societal pressure,

That makes me scared to be right?

I don't know.

Amalgamation

2009-11-16T01:49:00.003+08:00

It's all about the jealousy,

The things I dreamt for you and me.

Aquarium

2009-11-15T11:37:00.003+08:00

And I'm slowly fading away,

To the place where you store your failures.

But I know that you find your joy in mistakes,

And I know you find joy in knowing that all I am,

Is a distant memory in a special place in your heart.

But my dearest boy: I cannot teach you about difficulty,

When all you want to learn is pain.

So good morning, sir and good night to you too.

MakeDamnSure

2009-11-13T15:34:00.004+08:00

It's really surreal to read all these wonderful thank-you posts on facebook. It's clearly been a fulfilling sem for some, but for me, this has been 12 weeks and more of absolute hell. It's not that I want to be pessimistic, or that I'm not grateful for the good stuff that has happened, but I have never experienced any period of my life to be as tumultuous as this semester has been.

It's really funny, to think of how about one year ago, I was thinking that this semester would be the best ever. FOC and Papa would largely be over, and I would be free to indulge in whatever I wanted to, including Shan. Funny how things turned out.

Call me weak, but I really couldn't get it together for a very long time. I still have my moments now, but it's a large improvement from the days when bus time was cry time, 2 hours per day of pure, uninterrupted grief. For the first time, I didn't want to tell the story to anyone. I didn't want to talk about it. Cliche as it may sound, it didn't matter who was right or wrong, I just hated him and hated myself and hated everyone involved. I was angry, not just for pride, but because it hurt, and I hated that he hurt me. I didn't want to be okay, because I didn't want to make it easy for him. He was right; it was emotional blackmail, but I didn't want to be the only one hurting as much as I was.

As a consequence, I've spent too much of this sem drinking, not just with friends, but with myself. Because it made me feel warm, because it helped me cry it all out, and most of all, because it put me to sleep. I have never gone beyond my limits, never had a hangover, and in fact, never even left my room when in one of my moods. I have done other things in my life, and trust me, alcohol ain't that bad. At least it kills that melodramatic moody mad man in me. It's like liquid therapy, and I take care to lock myself in when the full moon is up. I couldn't believe it when people asked if I'm an alcoholic. Fact is, I wish I could allow myself that freedom and abandonment, but you know my head just won't shut up. So don't worry, I'm always going to turn out fine.

Except perhaps that I am running to Ithaca. Which never figured in my plans till after the breakup. So many times, I would think of him while trying to decide where to go. When it ended, I just wanted to go as far away as possible. I chose Ithaca for no other reason than the fact that it's in New York and a CS-specific school. I regret it now, because I feel like I've stolen the opportunity away from someone who would really treasure it and benefit from it. It's for that same reason that I decided against RJ. After all, I am my mother's daughter; I have potential, but no ambition, and I have no use for chances like these. I don't deserve them.

The real poison is really just my pessimism. I gave the death sentence to a lot of things before they had the chance to live. To lay it out straight, that would be Papa. If I had the chance to start over, I would not have neglected it as I had done. I did what the rest did, when I was supposed to be the one to love it the most. But at least now, I understand that the love of the stage is still very much within me, and that it really is able to bond people, despite all the unpleasant memories that I have had with StAJe people. It's time to let that go, because every moment that I stay angry, is a moment that I long to return to the mythical, glorified past. And that's just not an option. I have to let go.

I really do love to act. I love emceeing. I love public speaking. And I miss the stage. But I've let them cut that off from me, and the only solace I can get is being type-casted in CS productions. Which is really quite fun, but there is nothing like a live audience, watching you, judging you, that makes you just want to fight to win them over, with your words, your looks, and most importantly, with your body language. Because it is nothing like communicating over a computer interface, where emoticons are all you've got. Unless of course, you're going for harsh, harsh sarcasm, which comes through really well with just words alone.

I've stepped on more toes and got myself misunderstood by more people than ever this sem, and I guess it's my fault. I know people will read my shit; for some reason, they are interested enough. My friends could tell you that it's just one of the ten thousand views I ramble on about each day, and none of them really take it all that seriously. The biggest joke is perhaps that it's all academic. I am clearing all my BCS mods in Ithaca, including 427 and perhaps even 426. But it's not just my note. I know my blog also says a lot, too blatantly sometimes. It's not that I don't have the guts to say things to someone's face; I simply need time to frame and shape my thoughts, on a platform where the delete button exists. Many times, face to face confrontations lead to nothing except more hurt. And trust me, each time I write a criticism of something or someone, I worry. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Because I don't have the moral courage or strong enough beliefs to defend my words.

I only wonder how many people speak of me, disparagingly. Perhaps it is arrogant for me to say that I know people talk about me, but the truth is, I am fodder, and the risk is too high for me to live in denial.

At least I get 2 hours a day to get myself ready for the battles of school. I get myself mentally prepared to face the world, while doing my readings and training to steady my highlighting on the shaky bus. Multitasking like this has become the only way I function. 207 lectures are time to get busy; sometimes I'm even reading notes for another class. But I've simply sacrificed enough sleep for shit already, and I can't afford to work any other way. It's been a tiring sem; I am more physically exhausted than I've ever been in my life. For the first time, I fully understand the limits of my body, and they have been reached. I don't get sick easily, but rather, it's a constant desire to sleep, a constant nodding off into absolute unconsciousness. Time-space compression takes on a new meaning when you go to sleep at Braddell and wake up, seemingly 5 mins later, already at Boon Lay. When you travel for as long as I do however, what to do during the bus ride cannot be merely left up to mood or chance. I plan which notes to read and even sleep time is calculated and included as part of my average of 4 hours a night. It all has to be scheduled, even if I sometimes fail to follow that schedule.

Yet ultimately, after all these plans, I've not produced any piece of work, in any form, this sem, that I have been really proud of. Taking 225 and 206 together with 23 AUs was pure suicide, and I'm suffering the consequences of it. The quality and effort I put into everything plummeted. But perhaps the biggest problem is that I was never meant to work in a group anyway. I have always been a solitary creature, and perhaps there is no cure for that. My inability to trust people, and my sense of intimidation, and my goddamn pride, is ultimately what makes this impossible. I am struggling, and god knows that this is only the start of it. I struggle between the poles of arrogance and berating myself for thinking that I know more than others, and it sucks, and I can't handle it. I can't handle me.

The best times of the semester has ultimately been the frivolous moments I have had laughing with my friends, but even that is tinged with an undercurrent of regret. Once again, I dream of a mythical, glorified past we could return to, and this time, it's a little harder for me to let go because I know just how it feels, and I have felt it before. The good thing is at least I've gotten to know a couple of juniors well, and I will not treat them like I did J. Yet there are still so many people I wish I could get to know, but I am too shy to. And at the other end of the spectrum, I wish that there are people I could un-know, because I'm tired of having to have my guard up every time I talk to them.

All in all, it's been a really really rough sem for me. I don't wish to take anything away from anyone, but I simply cannot feel that joy and satisfaction that you do. I wish I did, but I can't force the emotions. Or at least, I won't do it here.

2012

2009-11-12T17:20:00.004+08:00

The thing is,

Maybe I should've been elsewhere,

All along.

I like the people and the place,

But I don't fit in so,

Is this a good enough reason to stay?

And I feel lost,

Not because of the lack of time,

But rather,

Because I have the chronic inability

To achieve the state called "faith".

I can only hope,

That when I'm in Ithaca,

I'll find the courage,

To come back again.

Lord knows I have a destructive streak.

Lord knows what I have done.

Lord knows what I am planning to do.

T-A-S-T-Y

2009-11-12T00:33:00.002+08:00

At least my friends get it, that this is just the way I am: "I don't see why there's so many things to comment..." (okay so this was paraphrased, but you get the idea)

Yes, there's still so much to say, but I don't think that it'll lead to anything. It's time for me to get serious about the things that matter, like, my essay. People think it's easy for me to write essays, just cos of the fact that I blog/post a lot. But it's different when you have to be formal, and quote people, and the whole nine yards.

I wonder if it would be easier to write if this was addressed to someone?

Dickheads

2009-11-10T12:07:00.002+08:00

I dare you.

And I've got weapons in my arsenal.

I just don't wish to hurt you, dear.

ANI!

2009-11-09T16:52:00.001+08:00

I opened up my Ithaca email account today and saw this:

"On Wednesday, November 11, at 6pm Heather Laurel of the music theory faculty will give a talk in the Iger Lecture Hall, room 2105 in the James J. Whalen Center for Music. Laurel will focus on Ani DiFranco's most recent political songs demonstrating how DiFranco's recording techniques, in conjunction with her musical, lyrical, and performative choices, embody DiFranco's musical-political persona. DiFranco will be appearing at the State Theatre on Friday, November 13 at 8pm. www.stateofithaca.com"

CAN I JUST FLY OVER LIKE NOW? :(

Figurine

2009-11-09T02:57:00.002+08:00

They say if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. Excuse me while I try to put out the fire with my tears.

Because the ones who know me well will know that I agree and disagree with everything that has been said. Simultaneously.

And it sucks.

Strand

2009-11-08T11:14:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I am just setting up myself to be hated in school. I don't why I do it. Because it hurts me more than anyone else to see those comments. And I cry, and I know that I am weak, not because I am a girl, or I am smart or stupid, but simply because I am scared, I am me, and I am scared that people don't understand how many sides of me there are that I cannot control. That I hold so many opposing views, that I am just looking for validation for one side or the other so that I know how to go on living my life. I still have to live here, on this earth, for another 50 years till I can finally die and I can't keep doing this. I have to shut it off, shut it down. And I have to stop doing this to myself. These "academic" rants, the tears, the mixed messages, the chocolate milk, the idealism, the unreality - they want sedate, and I have to give them sedate. Because I can't take the yelling, and I hate conflict, but I guess I finally found something more hurtful than the bleeding.

Jinx

2009-11-05T01:01:00.002+08:00

Reading about feminism,

But feeling the depth of my weakness,

As I look at pictures of you and me,

And how it's never coming back.

As much because of you, as me.

(Finally, I understand that you can't give me what I need.

But you enjoy the romanticism of failure now, don't you?)

WXYZ

2009-11-04T00:51:00.000+08:00

I will not let you have that power over me.

You insincere bastard(s).