homemade blues

Sejak Ogos 2009 hingga sekarang...

2010-03-10T17:01:00.002+08:00

It's weird. Dah lama tak menulis. I opted not to write sebab... tak ada mood... And sebab... fikiran ni bercelaru, sebenarnya.

But now it's better. Hanya diri sendiri akan dapat mengubah nasib sendiri, kan? I may have more to say later. Tapi buat masa ni, this is all I wanted to say.

Has it been so long?

2009-08-13T09:09:00.003+08:00

I just realized my last entry was on July 26. I guess I enjoyed being home again (after the 2-week course + exam!) too much.... Yep. Definitely too much... :)

I've put up a tentative ad on FB - at the TKC page. And yesterday I received a call from my aunt asking me whether I'm interested in a job. And just 2 days ago, I got a message in FB asking me whether I'm interested in a copywriting job. Wow. Are the floodgates opening? God works in mysterious ways. My options are really varied now. What's a girl with problems in making decisions to do?

Ramadhan is coming up fast. Soon it will be Aidilfitri. Then Christmas. And then it'll be 2010. Time flies so fast. I'm dreading the moment when the decision will be have to be made.

It's a small world after all

2009-07-26T11:23:00.003+08:00

2 things happened last Thursday and Friday that just amazed me how extraordinarily small our world is - when you get about to exploring it...

1stly, on Thu I found out that my DESK-mate in the translation course I've been in, was my ex-schoolmate's younger sister! How amazing! I mean, I did initially notice that her father's name sounded vaguely familiar, but I didn't even think to ask her about it. And in the process of getting to know each other in the first few days, I mentioned my school, and voila! The rest is history...

2ndly, on Friday night, when I checked my FB requests, I received a friend request from someone I didn't know. The name was foreign to me, and I almost clicked on the "Ignore" button, but I decided to check out her profile. It took me a moment to re conciliate her picture and her name, but when I did, I gave a loud squeal that even took G by surprise.

It was an old, old, friend - my pet sister, actually (G already started thinking dirty thoughts) - from school. She was my senior by 2 years, I think. Needless to say, a whole lotta memories came flooding back, as well. I lost all contact with her when she left school. So that makes it (mentally calculating) about 21 years ago? Wow! And to think we re connected in FB. Well, it's hardly unbelievable, but it's truly amazing. Well, to me, at least.

She's been in Australia a little more than a decade. And it so happens that she's coming back to Malaysia the first 2 weeks of Aug. "We must meet!" she typed, while we chatted in FB. Another reunion in the works. It's going to be busy, busy, busy...

Bahasa jiwa bangsa - week 1 is over

2009-07-24T20:38:00.002+08:00

Next week Saturday, my understanding of the techniques of translation will be put to test... Horrors! I haven't had to sit for any type of exam in a decade.

Today's pace was a bit different from the past 4 days, namely because today's lecturer is a different person. But we had some good exercise in translating newspaper articles. And already I have homework. That's another thing I haven't had to do in a while.

As expected, other projects have been put on hold - my writing, my other two blogs... Hopefully I will have more time to spend on those once I'm done with the course and get things going where I want them to. Power of positive thinking, y'all!

Tomorrow I'm going to make some price comparison on several reference books I need. Now I do need to get that particular bookstore's membership card...

Bahasa jiwa bangsa

2009-07-22T22:01:00.003+08:00

I haven't heard this saying for a long time - language is the soul of a nation. I suppose I have forgotten it. And in the past few days, I have been shamefully reminded what it truly means...

This course I'm attending - Course in General Translation - is unlike what I expected. In 3 days, I've learned more about my own language than I have in the past 35-odd years of my life. And in addition, I learned about history, communication and culture. It's more than what I signed up for, for sure.

Just to share what new Malay words I've learned so far (look it up in Kamus Dewan):

taslim = analogy
andal = reliable
ketaksaan = ambiguity
lema = entry
tuntas = meliputi/menyeluruh = comprehensive
pencar = diverge

All thanks to a certain passionate and dedicated patron of the Malay language. You'd have to take her class to believe it.

To have a membership card, or to NOT have a membership card...

2009-07-13T16:32:00.003+08:00

...THAT is the question.

I bought D two new books from MPH on Saturday, since we just finished the earlier book I got for him - Stories for 6 Year Olds. He's got a voracious appetite for books nowadays. I hope this lasts forever.

So there I was, at the counter, and the cashier asked me, "Do you have a member's card?"

I glanced at the sign on top of the cash register - Extra 10% off for members when you buy ANY children's book (or something to that effect) - and sighed glumly, thinking that we all could use an extra 10% off of everything, and answered, "No."

And while waiting for the cashier to scan the barcodes, I looked into my bulging purse, which already had every space available for cards filled, and wondered, do I really need another membership card?

I've already got membership cards for - let's see - the gym, a hypermart, a petrol station, a department store or two, a gift shop, a toy store, one book store that I hardly go to these days, several clothing boutiques, a golf club...

The ones in my purse are those I go to quite regularly, so I can get quite decent discounts and rebates or such. And I've also got another card holder for those cards that I don't go to so often, but would come in handy when I do. At the rate things are going, I may need another card holder.

Of course, the credit cards that I have also offer discounts or rebates at participating merchants, but I don't use the cards often nowadays (I'm trying!). And different retailers collaborate with different banks, anyway, so if I'm so desperate to get discounts, then I'd probably need a credit card from every bank in Malaysia.

And there are times that different credit cards offer different promotions from the same retailer. I tell you, it can be so very confusing.

I see the problem - every seller have their own terms and conditions on offering discounts, and members get the info on the latest promotions more effectively if it is managed by the sellers themselves. It's not that nobody came up with a solution to merge the retailers and offer one card for consumers to use - e.g. Bonuslink, Real Rewards.

But these are more on points collection, rather than discounts and rebates offers; the J card, however, offers both - points collection and discounts at participating retailers. If only you would remember to show the card to qualify for the discounts - I can never remember (!), and it would only occur to me when I read the card's newsletter or such. Of course, by then, it's only an afterthought.

Now, when people offer me membership cards, I would usually decline; my normal excuse is, "I don't have anymore space in my purse." And even if I'm tempted to, I would think of the form I would have to fill in, and the time to do so. I would also think of my details would be stored somewhere, and being on the receiving end of un-ending promotional messages on my handphone, as well as calls from unknown corporations offering me more discounts and/or rebates and business opportunities (!) - although I believe this is more from the credit cards...

So, no more membership cards. For now.

But...since I'm buying books more often, that extra 10% off would really save me a lot in the long run... Hmmm...

I procrastinate, therefore I delay...

2009-07-08T15:28:00.001+08:00

Firstly I want to apologize to those on my email notification list for those 2 out-of-the-ordinary blog entries that were mistakenly sent to you (I completely forgot about the notification, but of course...) prior to this one. Just so you know, I'm starting to dabble in the art of freelance writing jobs, and those 2 were purely work-related, so... again, I apologize.

On the other project I'm working on - a.k.a. the story - I am, yet again, hit by writer's block. I'm stuck at re-writing the first chapter - torn between too much detail (meaning unnecessary exposure) and not enough (meaning unimaginative writing). It's oscillating between being sickeningly bloated and anorexically lean. It's a nightmare.

And unfortunately, this is also the time I'm hooked on Bejeweled Blitz on FB. I just can't get enough of beating my own best score. It's uncomfortably addictive, and I should quit cold-turkey. I SHOULD. Sigh.

I want to go to EPF, and do some money management, and also wire some money to Oom's home account, and oh... Papa is here.

I can't divulge the details, but he's in a spot than I so DO NOT envy. I don't even want to know. I just can provide moral support and hope things will work out for the best. I'm really sorry for him, though. I know it's not his choice to be involved in all this...

I believe in the supernatural

2009-06-22T16:26:00.006+08:00

So this morning, I was looking for my glasses. I vaguely remembered putting them next to my pillow before zonking off (we came back late after attending a colleague's wedding dinner), but this morning, I just couldn't find them. I looked everywhere, the bedside table, under the bed, the dresser, the bathroom, which was not very easy considering my short-sightedness.

I searched calmly; I wasn't running late - in fact, I got up early. I wasn't too worried that I wouldn't find them because I have another pair, and I can always use my contacts. But they were my favourite pair, so... Anyway, I almost gave up, and I went to the bedside table again for something else, and then, I saw my glasses, just sitting near the edge, at the foot of the bed.

I was very sure that they weren't there just a moment before. Very, very sure. I didn't feel anything out of the ordinary, like the hair at the back of my neck stand up, or a chill down my spine, or whatever it is you're supposed to feel when something weird just happened. I asked G if he had put the glasses there. He didn't even know I was looking for them. Hhmmph.

So I guess I'll just chalk it up as another unexplained mystery.

This wasn't the first time something disappeared and re-appeared unexplicably. The last time that happened, it was in my mother's house in KB, and it was A's milk bottle. It was just so bizzare. It was late afternoon, and A was alone, sleeping in my parent's room. When I heard him cry for his milk, I went into the room to fetch his bottle which was just next to him.

To my surprise, it wasn't there. I knew it was there before because I saw it there, when I went to check on him earlier. I looked all over the bed and the room, but of course, it just wasn't there. I called Oom to make another bottle, and by then, he had already woken up, crying, and both Oom and I looked for the missing bottle. Even Oom confirmed that the bottle was on the bed when he first fell asleep.

We still couldn't find it, then I asked Oom to pick A up and bring him outside. I watched Oom walk out the room with him, and then looked back to the bed. Lo and behold, the missing bottle was there, next to the pillow A was sleeping on. I was absolutely sure that it wasn't there before, because I had almost turned the whole bed upside down looking for it earlier. Weird, huh?

At that time, I did feel a prickling sensation on my neck and along my spine. But I was more annoyed than freaked out because I needed the bottle earlier to pacify A! I told G, and he thought nothing of it. "You found the bottle, right? Just let it go," he says.

Ok, ok. I believe already.

A happy day

2009-06-19T13:17:00.002+08:00

I had great time meeting up with BY last night. We had dinner at Ani Sup Utara at TTDIJ, and then coffee at Starbucks at Plaza Masalam before I dropped her off back at the hotel. The boys joined us for dinner, but I had to send them back because A was getting restless... :)

It was great to catch up and BY is, as always, great company. I missed her infectious, bubbly laughter and sunny personality, and she had plenty of those to share, although we had discussed somewhat serious issues (namely her career...lol) during dinner and coffee. Water Dog, you're a good friend. Keep the tail wagging... :D

And today G is coming back. Joy! He should be here around early evening. I know it sounds soppy, but as much as he annoys me at times (and vice versa), I've always felt un-whole (is there such a word?) when he's not around. I guess the term "better half" does have some merit. And you'd better not be smirking when you read this, mister.

I still have hang-ups on my literary abilities, of course. But today is a happy day. Thank God It's Friday...

Trying too hard

2009-06-17T12:51:00.003+08:00

I was thinking - which is never a good thing, because I tend to over analyze - about my life (so far). I've got two wonderful (and quite two handfuls) boys, a loving (and sometimes quite annoying) husband, an amazing helper (which I don't know what I would do without), a great group of girlfriends (they know who they are) and a caring family... And I've come down to a conclusion that I'm downright - ordinary.

Hmmm. I've always liked ordinary. I've always abhorred attention of any kind. I've always felt comfortable being "unknown". I've always made choices that won't expose myself to any chance of negativity. And I think I've gotten too good at it, so now I'm not only "unknown", I am also "forgotten".

Hold your horses, peeps who know me and take time to read my rants.

I've just been dwelling on the fact that I've no idea what my talents are. What makes me special. I know I'm kind, and sincere, and known for my integrity and empathy, but what good is that in a dog-eat-dog world we live in these days? I've been given this opportunity to find out what I want to do (that I enjoy) and after almost 6 months, I'm still trying to figure it out.

I've been mulling over the idea that I can write (I'm working on it!), but I don't know if I'm any good at it. What if people can't relate to it? Or worse, what if people don't like it? Can I handle criticism? Or worse, can I handle rejection?

I read other people's blogs, and most will have something that they're passionate about, and so will write about, and will have pictures about, and...what do I have? I write about being passionate about writing, but what do I have to show for myself?

I know, I know. But if you don't try, how will you know? And if you fail, try and try again... Yadda-yadda-yadda. Saying it, is not like experiencing it, ok? I don't even know if I'm ready to go there. Arrrgh! It's a lifetime of insecurities, I must say. I'll readily admit that I'm a coward, afraid to take risks to avoid getting hurt. And avoid hurting other people who have great expectations of me.

It's not of an earth-shattering issue, of course, this low self esteem of mine. There are others having worse problems a million times over. I'm just like an insignificant speck of dust on the top shelf of the cabinet in the room under the stairs...

Forget you read this entry.

I can't sleep

2009-06-12T16:15:00.005+08:00

Probably because I napped earlier in the evening. I shouldn't have, I know. But I felt so sleepy, and oh well, what's done is done...

The other thing is that I had another one of those spats with G. We were so okay these past few weeks - maybe the good run couldn't last any longer - but I was a bit disappointed that he's upset upon my insistence that he spend tomorrow with me and the kids. From Monday onwards, he'll be on a week-long job in Kuantan, and although he was on leave this week, it was more like a working week, since he was busy preparing for the tournament, and meeting up with people for future projects.

It is a strange feeling, that I crave his presence more than I did when we weren't staying together. And coupled with me being at home more than I was 6 months+ ago, now that I'm at home every time he comes home... I dunno. I don't expect him to be stuck to me like a conjoined twin for every seemingly mundane spousal task, of course, but isn't it a fair expectation that I get a piece of him, when everyone else can?

I guess it's just one of those days when we have to choose who gets to be happy. He chose to make me happy, but I know that he's unhappy, and so his choice now makes me unhappy. What a guilt trip. Sigh.

Even so, I'm not going to apologize for insisting this time. I hope things will be better in the morning...

Hmm... D is talking in his sleep. He's mumbling, "I love you, Ibu (Mum)" - which he usually does when he did something wrong, or when he wants something from me, or when he wants to distract me. I wonder what he's dreaming about.

A is recovering from an off-and-on fever he's been having the past few days. He's been quite active and taking food and drink well throughout, although with a higher than normal temperature, so I wasn't that worried. His temperature is almost back to normal since last night, so I'd give him another day before I take him off the fever meds.

Other than that, it's been quite boring, this last week of school holiday, since we're all recovering from the trauma of A's health scare. School starts again on Monday for D. Back to the grind then.

Writer's block already?

2009-06-05T16:36:00.002+08:00

Some semblance of normalcy is back in the house. This week was spent vegetating at home - the only bad news we had was that Wan Umi had an accident, which fortunately didn't involve anyone else, and caused no bodily harm. Maybe some post-traumatic stress and a bruised ego. Other than that, it was just her car and a road divider, that resulted in the whole front bumper and grille being torn off. We're waiting for the verdict - how much it would cost to repair. Oh well, at least the car can still move. There was minimal damage to the engine. I think.

Other than that, I spent most of my day in the room this week, ever since we got back from the hospital. I've been re-reading the Twilight saga, and writing my story - well, it was more like re-writing. And then re-writing some more. I keep adding to the chapters, as I kept coming up with different ways of telling the story. The 1000 odd words I had per chapter now have swelled up to 2000 odd words. It's becoming an epic.

But just now, suddenly, I'm at a loss for words. Hmm... I've exhausted my vocabulary, I think. Or maybe, I'm just exhausted. I know I can become obsessed quite easily about things. And I know I can be distracted and bored just as easily. The trick is, to keep it interesting. How now, brown cow? Oh dear.

Tomorrow we'll bring the boys out. God knows they deserve an outing after being cooped up in the house the whole week. Next week is still school holidays. I need to come up with some activities for the boys. Ones that don't require much money, of course. But I did promise D we'd go see a movie. Maybe "Monsters vs. Aliens"? Hmmm... the one with Reese W. That should be interesting.

Letter to Adam

2009-06-02T14:14:00.007+08:00

Adam, my dear son,
I will never forget 25th May 2009. It is, and will be, another page in the history of my life that shall mark me forever.

The bout of vomiting you had over the weekend before and the fever you were having a few days prior already had me worried. I was considering to bring you to the hospital to set up an IV line so that you could get the necessary fluids in your body, since you couldn't keep anything down. All weekend Bibik Oom and I were trying to get you to eat or drink something, but you just vomited everything out. Even water.

But I took the risk, and brought you to see the pediatrician that we always go to, and he gave the anti-vomit medication, while advising me to go straight to the hospital if your condition worsened. Your temperature didn't register higher than normal when we were at the doctor's, and I thought things will take a turn for the better, as we drove home.

Even as weak, and as tired as you were, from not having enough food to provide you with energy, you could still give me a smile, while you rested on the bed, watching your favorite Blue's Clues video. At least, by this time, you could drink some milk without vomiting, and I left you with Bibik Oom while I went to my room to check some emails and talk to Abah.

The next thing I remember was hearing Bibik Oom screaming from downstairs, that there's something wrong with you. I rushed to open my bedroom door, and she ran up the stairs, with you in her arms, looking limp and almost lifeless, face ashen, lips tinged with blue, and eyes rolled upwards.

My heart stopped, and I called out your name, and quickly took you to the bathroom sink to wash your face. Getting very limited response, I could feel panic settling into my bones, as we quickly rushed downstairs to get you to a hospital. Everything after that is now a blur in my head.

I could only remember shouting to your brother to get into the car, calling Abah and screaming that you're not breathing, telling him that I'm going to the nearest hospital, feeling helpless and terrified that I wouldn't make it to the hospital in time, driving as fast as I could in the evening rush hour but managing to pick up Abah on the way so that he could drive and I could hold you. I also remembered your brother calling out to me, asking me to calm down. So mature for a 6-year-old.

You felt cold. And you wouldn't respond to us calling your name. I remember checking your pulse, and your breathing, and I remember crying, feeling like my heart was torn out, praying to Allah to not take you from me yet, that you still have so much to live for. That I need you to live. So that I can live. The 20 minute drive to the hospital seemed forever and endless while I was trapped in helplessness.

I must've looked like a mad woman as I stumbled, crying, into the emergency room with you. The nurses took you and put you on the hospital bed, and you lied there sleeping, while they set up an IV line and hooked up all sorts of wires onto you. I felt I couldn't breathe as I tried to explain to them what happened. Words came out all jumbled up, and I was stuttering, as I tried to calm down and compose myself, assuring myself that you're okay, that you're breathing. That you're still alive. That was all that mattered.

Your Abah and I thought the worst was over, and after the necessary registration and documentation for admission into the hospital ward, I stayed with you, while Abah took Bibik Oom and your brother back home. I remember you then waking up, and tears of joy welled up in my eyes, and you didn't want to be put down, so I carried you, trying to soothe you while waiting for Abah to come back with your milk and clothes from home.

I remember calling Ama and Kong2 to tell them what happened, Wan Umi as well. Wan Uda and Wan Usu came to see you, but you refused to be near anyone else, so I held on to you while waiting for Abah. When he finally came, you wanted to drink some milk, and I was only too happy to see you drinking without vomiting. The specialist then came later, and after I repeated what I had related to the doctor in the emergency room, she came to the conclusion that this episode happened due to electrolyte imbalance - since you were vomiting and not keeping anything down the past few days. We agreed that you would be monitored this night, and further examination will be carried out later.

Like I said, Abah and I thought the worst was over. I was lying on the bed, a bit calmer now that we have spoken to the specialist. You were about to doze off, and Abah was carrying you, as he would only leave when you have fallen asleep, when suddenly he called out to me alarmingly, that you had gone stiff in his arms. I saw it this time.

You looked like you were going to vomit, but you couldn't, and started convulsing instead. I hit the emergency button next to the bed, calling frantically for the nurses to come. I took you from Abah to lay on my shoulder, you jerked around like you were being electrocuted, I was thumping your back, your eyes rolled upwards, there was secretion coming out of your mouth, Abah was calling your name, he was pressing the emergency button repeatedly, I was calling your name, you were turning blue, you weren't responding... where are those @#$%^& nurses!?!

Looking back, it seemed like a scene from TV - in slow motion. As I held you, still convulsing, the feeling of helplessness and despair came swiftly. When will this end? My head felt heavy. You felt heavy in my arms. I wanted to stop breathing. If you had left me, now, tonight, I wanted to die, too. I couldn't imagine the world without you. I prayed to Allah. Please, God, please. Please...

The nurses finally came and took you from me, and Abah and I had to step aside, watching them tend to you. The convulsions finally stopped after a minute that seemed like an eternity, and then you slept. A curtain of peace across your face. Had Allah heard me?

Abah and I took turns to stay up throughout the night, watching for the slightest inclination of another episode. Thankfully there were no further episodes, even after we transferred you to the hospital Aunt Liz was working at, the next day. And after 5 days in the hospital, where you were back to your cheeky self by the third day but we had to finish the 5-day antibiotic course, we are now back home, and I could hear you now, laughing and throwing things downstairs.

You are back. Life has never seemed so fragile and so...temporary. God has given me another chance with you. I know it was selfish of me, to forget that your brother, too, and Abah, as well, need me, if something were to happen to you. But at that moment, when I thought I was going to lose you, and I would do it again if it came to that, I would have given my life in your place. As I would, if it happened to your brother.

We have Aunt Liz to thank for all the strings she pulled to get you a bed in the hospital. We have the doctors and nurses in both hospitals to thank for helping us in our time of need. We have to thank Abah and Bibik Oom and your brother, Danial, for being the gravity in our lives, for holding us all together. And mostly, we have Allah to thank that this is not yet your time to leave this world.

I love you, my darling son. More than you will ever know.

Your mother.

New project in the works

2009-05-22T09:00:00.003+08:00

I did it. I started writing. It's not much of a story yet, but I'm getting there. I'm already at chapter 4, and at almost 5000 odd words (according to the word count displayed in MS Word). I didn't know I had so much to say... I wonder if punctuation marks are also considered as words... Hmmm...

Anyhoo, I'm quite embarrassed to share it with everyone just yet, but I may invite a reader or two to give comments. You'll know who you are when you receive the invite. :)

Apart from that, life has been quite routine. I managed to go to the gym twice this week, and I fasted on Monday and yesterday. I have been so engrossed in writing that life is taking a step back for the moment. I think I'm kinda in the zone, and words seem to just appear in my head and I've got to type it down, lest I forget. I can soooo relate to what Stephenie Meyer (author of the Twilight series) wrote on her website. Though I didn't dream of vampires... :)

I'll post again when something interesting in my life happens. Hope you all have a good day!

What I've been up to...

2009-05-18T12:51:00.013+08:00

For starters, I saw Twilight today. It's, in essence, a love story, and I see now why Rob Pattinson (Edward Cullen in Twilight) is such a hit with the girls... Oooh-la-la... Those brooding eyes... Very different when he was Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire.

Sigh. I remember those days. Young love. So naive. So mysterious. So intense. I was brought back to memories of such emotional intensity. And a memory of brooding eyes. Hehe. Can't share too much here. Don't want to give the wrong idea... But, I have been thinking... I've always wanted to write a story. What better than my own experiences (and inexperiences)? And I've always loved stories about love and relationships - happy love, obsessive love, puppy love, unrequited love... Maybe I will. I'll let y'all know...

So what happened during my (almost) month long absence from the blogging scene? Let's see...

We came back from our Alor Star trip, then the boys and me got sick with fever and flu, then Nenek was admitted into the hospital, then I got my womanly cycles, and then I had to go for a BAKAT course... Yeah, that was pretty much it. Took roughly about 3 weeks of my life...

To elaborate further, we had a good time in Alor Star, and good company. I'll be uploading pics on Facebook, but maybe I'll attach some pictures in this post - once I hook up the external DVD/CD drive to this laptop (which I'm soooo lazy to do). Then we came back to reality and got sick - which was no fun (and it was probably onset of my PMS already).

Nenek got sick (-er than usual) and was admitted in Putrajaya Hospital during the Labor Day weekend. That was a whole drama in itself, and I have no wish to air dirty laundry and discuss family politics, so... let's just leave it at that. She back in Mak Usu's home now, bedridden and barely able to move, and I'll have to make time to visit more often. Make up for thinking negative thoughts, you think? Yeah, I guess.

I've been out of sorts since coming back from Alor Star. One, thinking about surviving financially without going back to a desk-bound job (hence the idea of writing keeps popping up in my head). Two, going back and forth to the hospital and ferrying Ibu around, while still going about my usual routine with Danial, it kinda took its toll and I suppose I was emotionally and physically tired. And three, it's been a while since my last - ahem - cycle, and I guess the hormones came to a peak level that affected my mood swing, which in turn, made me go into my "recluse"/"hermit"/"antisocial" mode. I'm still reeling (and still recovering) from the surge.

So this past week of my cycle, I've been quietly spending time at home, (and not even going to the gym, mind you), but I had to haul my a$$ to the BAKAT TUDM course which I had to go (or else G will get "it" - I dunno what "it" is, so don't ask). For the uninformed, BAKAT stands for BAdan Kebajikan untuk Anggota Tentera, and it's basically an organization made up of the spouses of the armed forces. Membership is automatic - when you marry a soldier, you marry the organization as well. I've never been active in their activities, but when your husband receives a letter from his boss telling him that his wife has got to go for certain activities, then you go, y'know?

But I had a good time - it was called Kursus Semai Budi, meant for the TUDM officer's wives, and it was a whole day last Saturday of lectures on what BAKAT TUDM is all about, the organization history and stucture and its activities, then followed by lectures on effective communication, women's rights in Islamic law, introduction to counselling (apparently the bases'/units' BAKAT reps have to deal with certain "counselling" jobs when required), and also on health - dangers of obesity and certain beautification procedures (e.g. liposuction).

I guess the course did achieve its objectives. To disseminate information to the officers' wives, to create awareness of the organization, and also to allow the wives to network. I went with Nisha, G's colleague's wife, whom I already knew, and I made some new friends. But in the corner of my heart, I hope this is as far as it goes for my involvement in this organization - I've heard too many stories of politicking - 'tis definitely not my cuppa tea. Thank you very much.

Yep, still not fully recovered from my "hermit" mode...

Weekend getaway

2009-04-27T10:50:00.002+08:00

It's been a while since we actually had a getaway. Although G is working, the boys and me get to leave home and stay in a hotel for 2 nights... Hehe. I'm go glad G knows people. We got a nice room! Apparently Datuk Siti Nurhaliza stayed in this very same room once. Will update pictures when I can...

Now where do I go? Gotta google what's "happening" in Alor Setar. Can't be cooped up in the hotel room all day, right?

Why are we like that?

2009-04-17T10:50:00.012+08:00

I was reading Wild Thistle's entry today about history at Blethering Session and I was compelled to write an entry about it.

Being of Malay-Chinese parentage in Malaysia (or even in Singapore) has its pros and cons. I am somewhat accepted by the Malays because of my name and religion, and I'm somewhat accepted by the Chinese because of my blood - you would know if you know how clannish the Chinese are. Or the Kelantanese, for that matter. Anyhow, do I get the best of both worlds? Sometimes. I don't get considered as stupid and ignorant by my Chinese friends, and I get some of the privileges my Malay half is entitled to. Strangely enough, I get the impression from the Chinese people I know that they consider my blood diluted by my Malay half, but the Malays considered me enriched by the Chinese half. Interesting? In case you're wondering, my blood is still the same red color as the next human being... ;)

But that's how it is... Even so, I consider myself more Malay in some aspects, and more Chinese in some other aspects, depending on the subject matter. When it comes to ethnic loyalty however, I find myself skewed to the plight of the Malays. I feel sad when Malays don't take advantage of the priviliges that they are given. I feel sad when Malays are easily complacent when they have power and wealth. I feel sad when Malays step on, back stab, conspire, get paranoid and envy other Malays that they consider more superior in any way.

Envy. This is a powerful word. I sincerely believe that this the problem that Malays have. I don't know whether it's ingrained in our genes, or whether it's centuries of culture, or whether it's colonial strategy, but even since the olden days, I think that envy is the easiest downfall for most Malays. Isn't there a theory somewhere that Jebat killed Tuah because of envy?

Anyway, with reference to the present, I don't have to go far for an example. This base is rife with examples. The easiest one I can think of is when Nora and Mokz got their Peugeot 206. Or even when G and I got our Mazda 5. Nora and Mokz were the talk of the town. How can he, a senior AirDef major, and she, a housewife, afford to have 2 cars? Maybe he's on the take? And within weeks, some neighbours and friends (who are supposedly making more money than them) upgraded their cars. Don't matter whether it'll cost an arm or a leg or a serious family budget deficit. There are rep(utation)s to protect. Same goes for my neighbourhood.

It's always who has the latest gadgets, who's got the bigger / more expensive car, or chinaware, or clothes, or bling... And not only material stuff. Who's got the smarter child, who's got more maids, who's got more loving husbands, who's got the boss's ear, who's more popular at work... It's a competition. A race.

Even during uni days, the Chinese will study together, take notes for each other, keep a lookout on mates who are academically falling behind, play on their strengths on different subjects. The seniors will take care of the juniors, give their notes and reference books, give samples of past exams or quizzes. The Malays? Some will spend the first JPA allowance on a motorbike. There will be one or two groups that will make an effort to copy the Chinese, but if you're on the dean's list all the time, you're too smart for the rest of us. Maybe you've got a spiritual guide? You're chummy with the prof lah, that's why. Etc....

The way I see it, envy is a problem of all mankind. But the Chinese, they will use envy to better themselves. The Malays, on the other hand, their envy makes them paranoid.

That's all I have to say for now. I've got to pick up D from school.

p.s. "Pakcik" (old boyfriend) called me up 3 days ago. It's been one year? two years? oh well, yonks, since he last called. He suggested to meet and catch up. Should I? Hmmm.

The house is quiet

2009-04-17T10:05:00.005+08:00

Yesterday I sent Faiz, Fairul and Ann to the airport to KB. As much as I miss the little fella, it's good to go back to normalcy. And it just reminds me that I'm so not ready to have another small person in the house. It's now Fairul's turn to procreate. Haha.

But I did get the hang of bathing and washing-up a newborn eventually - and always ending up drenched in sweat! Like spending half an hour on the treadmill! It was great fun, and great practice. I only bathed my 2 boys a few times when they were newborns... Always it was my mother-in-law or my mom or the maid...

I also used the time that Ann spent in the house to share with her my experiences - dealing with children, dealing with husbands, dealing with mom-in-laws, dealing with moms, dealing with going back to work after maternity leave... I hope I managed to impart "some" of the knowledge that I have accumulated through the years. I thought it was great bonding moment. I hope she felt the same, although at some point, I did catch myself blabbing on and on like an old lady... :)

On another note, G's going away to Kuching next week for work. So the house will be even quieter. I know G is worried. I see it in his eyes when he comes home. I know he holds himself responsible for what happened with Abah and Ustaz H, although we all went into the project with our eyes wide open. And I know he doesn't want to worry me. But what can I do... I'm by nature a worrier. A natural worry-wort. I worry about my grandchildren already... :)

I just have to keep positive, lend a shoulder and an ear to G when he needs to vent, and not let G know the extent of my worry. Because if he knows how worried I am, he will be more worried. And I don't want the house to be any quieter than it already is...

And Faiz makes it 5 - grandsons, that is...

2009-04-08T10:39:00.007+08:00

April 5, at approximately 9am plus2x, Faiz Irfan was born. The first child of my youngest brother, he was thought to be a girl (since no conclusion on his gender could be made during the numerous ultrasound scans my sister-in-law went through), but he's a healthy male, all right. As it is now, he's diagnosed with jaundice - so he's been in the hospital, under the UV lamp(s) for the past 2 days. We're not so worried, but there's, of course, some major anxiety from the new parents... But we hope the baby will be home by end of this week, latest.

So this new arrival makes it 5 grandsons for my parents - 2 boys are mine, my adopted brother also just had another baby boy and his eldest son is now 4 years old. And now Faiz. No grand-daughters yet. Well, don't expect anything from me. This factory is closed. :)

I did talk to G about having another one. He said, if it happens, then he accepts is as a gift from Allah, but we're not going to work at it. He has a valid point. He'll be the big 40 next year, and he says,"I can't be chasing after a 7 year old when I'm nearing 50, can I?" Hmmm... I'll be nearing the big 4-0 myself soon. And we do have to be practical about it. With the escalating costs of raising children these days (and the near future), G and I had earlier decided that we wanted to be able to give our children the best we can possibly give. It'll just be a matter of time for us to have our own grandchildren later...

Another interesting story to share - on Monday, I was - sort of - cleaning out some papers and I found my diaries, from 1994 and 1995 (no blogging then). It was my first and second year in uni, and I was going through some emotionally tumultuos times (as usual) with friends, boyfriends, etc. I was laughing out loud when I read those entries - there weren't much. I'd write for a few days, and then there's no entries for a couple of months, and then I'd write again... But I got a pretty rough idea what kind of life I had back then. I called Ayu up and told her about it, and both she and I had a good laugh how silly we were about things that seemed earth-shattering then. And it's good to see how we have evolved to where we are now.

Looking back, there were things I did and decisions I made, that I was not proud of. I realized then, and am reminded now, that however small or pointless our words or actions may seem to us, it has the potential to hurt someone's feelings. And vice versa. I wonder, where are those people who had a part (whether large or small) to play in my life then. I have lost contact with most of them, and remained in touch with only a few... I think it's better this way. There are memories that I wish to keep out of my mind forever. And bringing those memories back will not do anyone any good. I will settle with just entertaining thoughts of what my life would be now if things had turned out differently. I believe it would be very different indeed...

Sunday, 5 April 2009, 9.30am - It's a boy!!!

2009-04-05T09:22:00.003+08:00

As I write this entry, we are anxiously waiting for news of Cik Su - she's in labor... I got a call from Papa this morning at 2am. And while Ayah Su travels post-haste from KB to KL, G and I went to the Maternity Hospital, HKL, as requested. When we got there at about 3am, we got to know that we are definitely not allowed to enter the labor room (where Cik Su is at) - only her husband is - and even her parents had left for home. So we made an executive decision to go home as well and come back again in the morning...

9.30am: I just got a phone call from Ayah Su - it's a BOY!!! Woo-hoo!!! Eh, wait a minute... Now Ibu has 5 grandsons. No grand-daughters yet... Oh dear. Haha.

Ok. Gotta get everybody ready for the trip to HKL. Will update this entry later.

The only constant thing in life is change...

2009-04-01T10:29:00.014+08:00

Perhaps I get bored easily. I figured it was again time to change how my blog is presented to whomever is interested to read it, and so... I got this from Blogger Templates. I like it. But I've got to figure out how to remove the navigation tabs since I'm not going to use it - for now...

I took this picture when I stopped at a traffic light. It was a beautiful, clear, blue-sky day. Too beautiful to not capture it on camera...

This entry is not about anything really. I'm still considering my options... (ref my earlier entry) and I am happy to say that I'm happy. I spoke to a few people about my "predicament" (so-called) and well, I've got mixed feedback. But all in all, everyone just wants me to be happy. My greatest fear is to talk to Ibu. Isn't that any child's greatest fear - disappointing your parent(s)? Well, it certainly is mine. As usual, I have a great deal of expectation of myself, so of course, this is all unnecessarily stressful. I know.

I mentioned it to Along - my take on all the years of indoctrination (haha) by my family (or at least, the women in my family), is that, to be less in-dependent, is to be less successful. But I take it positively. It is always better to have a dual-income family rather than a single income. What more in the bleak outlook of the global economy...

One thing for certain, I believe God has shown me some options. Just yesterday, I asked Fairul to buy newspapers for me, and lo and behold, there were advertisements on some short writing courses. Which just happened to catch my eye. I don't know why but it just struck me that I have options to pursue my love/liking/talent of writing. I'm not saying that I'd be writing the next Harry Potter series. But I don't know why it struck me as NOT being just a coincidence... Hmmm...

In any case, I'm thinking it's again time for change. Whether I like it or not. My life itself has had a major change this year. Personally, professionally, emotionally, physically. I've reconnected with friends, and family, and most importantly, myself. It's been a good first three months of 2009. All things considered. Going forward, there will be more change, and it's just how to adapt.

I took this picture when I went to check on a school for D. I haven't seen this tree lizard since I was a small girl back in the day (haha).

One thing to share, I texted Sharon B while waiting for D to finish his mengaji lesson, and so I found out why she wasn't working since Jan 21 (she's back to work, btw)... Apparently, she underwent an operation to remove a tumor! Thank God it wasn't malignant, and she was on one month's MC. That was why she called me to meet up. It just got me thinking again how precious life is. Sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do.

p.s. I forgot - today's April 1st. But the above entry is NOT an April Fool's joke.

Change of plans

2009-03-25T15:40:00.006+08:00

I'm in a dilemma. It's not that big of a dilemma. But a dilemma nevertheless...

A's operation has been postponed. To next year. 2010. Hmmm...

Story is - on Monday (23 March), we finally got to meet the actual pediatric surgeon who will work on A. A was asleep, as luck would have it, and the surgeon got a good look at him, and she told us that A is just too small for any operation(s) to happen anytime soon. She explained to us in great detail what she would be doing in the operation, and there are certain pre-requisites that need to be fulfilled before anything can be done. Particularly, the size.

"I can do it sooner," she says,"but there are too many risks of complications..."

So it has been decided for G and me. The next appointment will be 18 Jan 2010.

My dilemma is - as those of you who would know, the main reason (or excuse?) I requested for this whole year off from work, is to care for A. And of course, if you refer to my earlier posts (earlier than 1st Jan 2009), I wanted - needed - this break from work, because I believe I'm burning out. I really truly do.

Now what do I do?

I can't NOT go back to work. The operation has been postponed. It's against my principles to "trick" the company that I'm caring for my child when I am not. Even if I did, I can't request for another year of sabbatical leave in 2010. That would be... I don't have a word for it. That's not even considering whether the company would consider such a thing. I'm not anybody special that they can't live without. As it is, they are doing fine without me. I think. No news is good news, right?

But if I don't work there anymore, what would I do? I can't be staying at home permanently. How can we financially maintain what we have? And if I do want to work somewhere else, or work at something else, what is it? That's how pathetic I am. I don't think I ever had a dream. Or a secret ambition. I don't even know what my special skills / talents are. I just did what people told me to do.

I feel like I'm at a crossroad. And I hate making decisions.

Grrr. I had the best laid-out plans. Now it's back to the drawing board. I've been thinking since Monday afternoon. I can't think anymore. Correction. I don't want to think about it anymore.

1st school break of 2009

2009-03-23T15:01:00.014+08:00

What a week. Weekend to weekend, it's been the longest (to me) week-long school break ever.

Let's see. The Friday before the start of the school break we celebrated Danial's birthday ('twas a brief 15 mins or so) in his class... cupcakes and goodie bags for everyone...

And on the day itself (which happened to be Monday), we had another party with family and (some) friends... more cake!

Ibu made her famous Chicken Rice. She insisted. Even bought and brought the rice grains all the way from KB. Macam la kat sini takde beras... Anyhoo, needless to say, I gained back nearly half of the weight I lost... I haven't been to the gym (and couldn't care less about the diet) for the last, (mental calculation) umm, 12 days. Yeah, there'll be h!@# to pay. I'm re-starting the regime tomorrow.

I also realized (with some "enlightment" from watching the first season of The Biggest Loser on Astro Hallmark Ch702 - the run has ended, but are they gonna ever bring the other seasons to our shores? Correction - I just happened to see that The Biggest Loser season 2 is now on, every weekday at 7pm on Ch702) that I need to constantly push myself in order to see results sooner. Doing the same routine at a comfortable level (i.e. not making you want to puke) will not yield what I want to achieve in the time I want. So there. I'm sticking to my resolution. I HAVE TO! :)

...what else did we do during the break?...

We went to the Putrajaya Lake Cruise. Hehe. We did it because G and I agreed not to let D go with his school mates - his school organised a trip to Putrajaya, and the cruise was one of the activities. I mean, there are 22 6-year-olds in his class alone, and there are 4 (I think) 6-year-old classes. And they've got how many teachers? No offence to the teachers, but I don't think they'd be able to control all the kids in one go. And D so badly wanted to go, so we thought we'd take him - on our own time and terms. It was fun.

Oh, and we had 2 birthday parties to attend last weekend. One was Daina's son (it was a birthday plus a housewarming party which then became a mini TKC8690 reunion), and the other was D's classmate in McD's. And I also went to Along's engagement event on Sat night. Sigh. It's so nice to see these 2 lovebirds finally together. That's a whole long story by itself...

Who said staying at home is gonna be boring???

What An Eventful Weekend - Ep.3 (Final Chapter)

2009-03-13T10:12:00.010+08:00

I'll try make it short.

Sunday

We were supposed to go to Fareez's birthday party slightly earlier in the morning, but my heart grew heavy with concern as we saw A using only his right hand when we picked D and him up from Miman's house. I told G that we have to go to SJMC and get his left arm checked. What if it's more than what we think it is?

So from Kemuning we went straight to SJMC ED and registered him, and saw the doctor, and as expected, we needed to get x-ray done. He was not a happy camper during the procedure, of course, but we managed and then waited for the film to be developed and then waited some more for the doctor to give a prognosis. All in all, we spent about 3 hours plus at the ED. Finally we got to see the doctor again, and thank Allah, there was no fracture, no bone dislocation. And since he was not an orthopedic specialist, the doctor recommended that we come again the next day to see one. At least we have a plan.

A continued to be cranky throughout the trip to Serdang, and ended up falling asleep, so he was asleep the entire duration of Fareez's celebration. Which was quite ok as I had one less thing to worry about. It was a nice, quiet get-together, with fried chicken and pizza, and loads of laughter. It took the stress out of me for a while. Some pics to share...

Singing happy birthday...

Blow the candles!

Cut the cake! And I want dem bunny ears...

We stayed for a while, had good laughs, and then headed home for some deserved rest after all the activities. Monday afternoon I have to bring A to see the other doctor...

Monday

After D finished school, we rushed to SJMC (which I discovered has changed its name to Sime Darby Medical Centre Subang Jaya... I shudder to think how it will be abbreviated) because I had to take A's x-ray films from the ED before I go to see the specialist. A fell asleep (it was his nap time, after all) and I got a bit disoriented because there was some contruction work going on at the old parking lot in front of what used to be the entrance to the hospital lobby. Finally I got to the other designated entrance, dropped the boys and Oom off, and parked the car all the way over at the lakeside carpark (sounds very touristy). When we got to the doctor's office, I left the boys and Oom there, and walked over to the ED (which is across the road, so I used the link bridge) to get the x-rays.

Ok, ok. To cut the long story short, we saw the doctor, and he just did something to A's arm (which jolted him awake and got him crying) and he said (in not so exact words), "Ah, there's a sound already. He should be ok now." Huh? He proceeded to tell me that A had a pulled elbow, and whilst there was no bone dislocated, there was a ligament out of place, so he has corrected it. By doing whatever it was he did. If I had known it would be so simple, I didn't have to bring him to see the specialist, eh? Haha. That's why he's the doctor, and I am not.

By the time we got home, A was fully awake, and was starting to use his left arm to hold his bottle. By late evening, he had started to use both his hands to throw things around the house.

Sigh. Back to normal... All is good.

Interlude

2009-03-11T15:12:00.005+08:00

I originally wanted to close the chapter of the "What An Eventful Weekend" series... but we interrupt this posting with a news update...

I don't think it's an update per se. But I have come to a conclusion - perhaps many other women already have, so I may be a late observer, as always - that all men are CEOs. Reference to the point - they don't want to be bothered by details, they just want a solution. They don't care what it takes, they just want to see the results.

Case in point: D's birthday is coming up and we agreed to do have the party on Monday night. And lo and behold, a bomb was just dropped on me. "I have to play golf that afternoon," he says. Have to? Excuse me? Have to? Did someone strap you to a chair and threatened to pull out your fingernails one by one, or shoot you in the kneecaps, if you say no? So who's going to be moving furniture around, prepare the food and drinks, get the goodie bags together, blow up the balloons, etc., etc.? I can visualise the answer - "I'm sure you can handle it, the maid is there to help, you don't need me."

Who's child are we talking about here?

Thing is, we just had an argument about priorities, and responsibilities. I understand my role as the one who stays at home (for now) and his role as the one who provides. But the one who stays at home gets to do all the menial work, and the one who provides gets to "de-stress" (he calls it)? I know it's such a small, relatively unimportant and hardly mentionable issue like a birthday party, and I'm probably being too idealistic, but is it too much for some pysical involvement in something for our son? So what if he provides the financial aspect? Is that it? His involvement is up to that extent alone?

I am extremely upset. I have to stop.

Blog entry Friday the 13th, March 2009: Amends have been made on the day itself. Apology accepted. Arguments noted.