Crapless Life

2012-12-29T23:41:00.000-05:00

Trevor gave me a telescope for Christmas. This being a new hobby for me, he did a great job picking out the perfect telescope and even helped me assemble it today. I consider myself to be somewhat intelligent in that I can read Twilight without looking up the more difficult words. However, the directions on how to assemble my telescope were difficult to understand and used words I have never heard of. The first two sentences contained seven different words that I have never seen before. Trevor, who was definitely sharing my exasperation with the instructions, finally just started grabbing pieces. Trevor: (holds up piece) "This is now the Nebula T-bolt." (Grabs another piece) "and this is the Nebula stick." (points to box of parts) "and those are Nebula screws. Everything is now a Nebula something. Seriously, it will make this easier."

You Go To Shit at 30

2012-12-26T23:23:00.001-05:00

One of my closest friends has the unfortunate birth date of December 26th. Everyone forgets her birthday, including her parents. Seriously, nobody has time to celebrate a mini holiday the day after the granddaddy of holidays. But I have an alarm on my phone that goes off every year to remind me to call her so that at least I can sleep at night. Not that I would stay awake if I forgot since I wouldn't have known I forgot, right? Any who, this birthday was particularly hard as she turned 30. On top of the first of many crappy (you'll get that pun in a minute) milestone birthdays, she had spent all of Christmas throwing up with the flu and all of her birthday having it come out the other end (that's where the previous pun becomes funny). She literally woke up, rolled over, and crapped the bed. No warning, no control...just shit. Her comment on the whole event "I literally turned 30 and my body went to shit!"

The Embarassment of Past Posts

2012-12-26T23:14:00.001-05:00

Looking at some stats for my page through blogger and I noticed that someone had read this odd and very boring post. I'm sorry if you just clicked on that. What I actually found amusing is the three movies that "I'm definitely going to at least rent" I NEVER watched any of them. After their release, I thought they looked like movies where I would rather dig my eyes out with a plastic spork than actual watch them. And seriously, the worst one IS the one with Duane Johnson. That movie was released at the height of his I'm-going-to-do-these-retarded-children's-movies-like-Arnold-Schwazaneger. First off, you may have made some kickass movies (Run Down, Walking Tall), but you will never be as great as the Arnold. And secondly, that shitty movie does not even come close to Kindergarten Cop. "It's not a tumor!" So seriously, Duane, go back to action movies.

Winter Storm Draco

2012-12-20T14:31:00.001-05:00

Apparently the weather gods that be have decided that it was time to start naming winter storms the way that they name hurricanes. I'm not really sure if this is to make us northerners feel more included or to try and scare the crap out of everyone. Whatever the case, this storm is named Draco. I seriously hope they go with this and the other storms this winter are named Hermione, Weasley, Gryffindor, and Potter....it would make my year....

2012-06-17T00:52:00.001-04:00

While playing catch phrase with my in-laws and husband: Dawn -it's something you don't want to see on a man....
Me - a wedding ring!!!

Keep Your Enemies Closer

2012-06-13T15:58:00.001-04:00

I was told yesterday that "someone" should have kept his friends close and his enemies closer. I decided that this is one of the worst sayings to be used. I would rather surround myself with amazing, strong, intelligent and good people and fight the good fight then allow those with misguided motives and poor morals so close to me. I would rather lose knowing that I did what was right, then win because I manipulated those around me.

2012-04-29T03:19:00.001-04:00

Please stop telling me about your daddy issues. You have no idea.....

2012-03-08T19:30:00.001-05:00

When did $3.81 become the gas price that made people think "wow, gas is cheap!"

2009-11-06T15:07:00.001-05:00

While curled up on the couch together, my husband and I had the following conversation:

Me: Why is it called spooning?

Hubby: Probably because saying "I want to knife you" kills the mood.

Kids Are Like AIDS

2009-11-03T22:10:00.003-05:00

My husband and I are adiment about not having children...at least for right now. We're mid 20s with a whole lot of beer with our names on it and we don't want a baby slowing down our liver killing. It's not that we hate kids, we're just realists. They're a lot of work and commitment and we're pretty damn lazy.
As of late I have been having some medical problems and finally got a call from the doc today stating that I have a bacteria...antibiotics, stat! So I told hubby that the doctor had called and after he asked what was wrong, I couldn't help but blurt out that I was pregnant. I might have well told him I had cancer. The look on his face, the panic in his voice...priceless. After calming his frazzled nerves with the truth, we started idlely chatting about babies:

Me: We do keep talking about kids, maybe that means we'll want to have them one day.

Hubby: Sugar, my friends and I talk about the HIV at work, that doesn't mean I want it.

Conversations of the Poor

2009-10-28T09:44:00.002-04:00

Me: We've been playing the McDonald's Monopoly all week - entering the codes online and everything

Lisa: Yeah, Jake and I are doing that too. I told him I hope we win $100,000. But then I realized: Hell, I'd be happy with a free small fry.

2009-06-23T12:10:00.002-04:00

Dear Sarah Jessica Parker,
I highly doubt that you use $7 box dye to color your hair. Most likely, you pay someone to do this at a price that is probably about the same as my mortgage payment. Please stop trying to pretend that you actually let this substance touch your hair and find something else to sellout to.

Sincerely,
Crapless Life

Something to Piss You Off

2009-04-07T12:40:00.002-04:00

I'm from Michigan. My family is suffering just as much as everyone else. We work hard, support GM, and hope for the best. Then I find this article. Why would a GM employee not take advantage of their GM discount? I would love to see this make it on CNN.

http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2009/04/exclusive-bailout-madness-general-motors-workers-parking-lot-filled-foreign-cars

The Cat Herd

2009-04-03T13:22:00.001-04:00

Monologue to Family about the cats:

I don't understand why Jay doesn't like Coal. He gets so pissy when she gets near him.
She just wants to rub up against him....what boy doesn't want a girl to do that??

You're Gonna Love My Nuts!

2009-03-11T18:17:00.002-04:00

Dear Vince,
I have always enjoyed your Sham Wow commercial. I become mesmerized with your excitement and the awesomeness that is the Sham Wow. I'm amazed every time it sucks up all the water from the pie dish and then doesn't drip. It's the only commercial that can stop my channel flipping in its tracks.
However, I have a concern with your newest product, the Slap Chop. The product looks amazing, but your script seems to have a small problem. Near the end, you aren't chopping anything, you look deeply into the camera and say "You're gonna love my nuts." While completely hilarious, you have set yourself up for thousands of jokes, like the picture of this post.
just thought I'd let you know
~Melissa

There's a Fiesta in My Purse

2009-03-09T11:17:00.002-04:00

Ever have one of those moments where one of the smallest things happen and you absolutely explode? A week's worth of stress comes flying out because someone didn't use their blinker. The next thing you know you've sent that car flying into the ditch and there is a 30 car pile up behind you. It's just that one moment where you can't take another minute and you explode like a bomb. I hate my job - not the way that normal people hate their jobs. I have to take Xanax in order to cope with it. After a week full of hell, I walked in on Friday determined to not let the job get me down. Went to my office, reached in my purse to grab my breakfast and felt something...funny. I pulled my hand out and realized that my yogurt had exploded all over inside my leather purse..........BOOOOOM!

40 Days of What the Hell

2009-03-04T13:27:00.003-05:00

I hate Lent. For those of you blissfully unaware of what it is, it is 40 days from Ash Wednesday (last Wednesday) until Easter. It's the reason we have Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras, and Poonchkies (however you spell that, the browser suggests Munchkins, idiot). The real reason for its existence is for 40 days of sacrifice. Catholics, amongst other religions, give up meat on Fridays and then something they like to do for the entire 40 days. The point - sacrifice what you enjoy for God. That's all great and dandy, but this is what pisses me off. Giving up effing chocolate so that you can lose a few pounds during Lent is NOT a sacrifice!!! "Sacrificing" ice cream, smoking, potato chips, or pot doesn't count either. You don't get to use Lent as an excuse to renew your New Year's Resolution! It's about suffering, not skimming a few pounds off your ass in the process. The best is the fact that if you actually count the days there are 45 of them - so some people take this as - Sundays don't count and I can smoke a pack of cigarettes while eating my ice cream topped with chips and pot. Fantastic. That'll be fun to explain to God. "Well, I figured it was a cheat day and like I can really go 45 days without my daily intake of heart attack." Your religion is your religion, but don't rub your beliefs in my face and then pull this shit. Seriously. I'm going to Dairy Queen.

Slacker

2009-03-03T10:30:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry for my complete slacking the last few days. I have been working hard to build a new website which has all but killed any creativity I would have had for the blog. However, I will take this opportunity to link to it even though it still needs some work - let me know what you think. Northern Mid-Michigan
I've also been working at ehow.com. For those of you that love to write, Ehow now offers payments to those who write ehow articles. Try it, add me as a friend, we'll have a money making party. I'll bring the chips and dip.
Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging again today. Wouldn't want you to come all this way just to Entrecard drop and not get any entertainment out of it. You gotta love Richard!

Bob the Pot Smoking Religious Guy

2009-02-25T11:04:00.003-05:00

Did you ever hear something so retarded you couldn't even believe it came out of someone's mouth? This happened to me this morning. The radio talk show I listen to had two workers on the phone and was doing a job comparison. Jason worked for a municipality, Bob worked as a painter. Joe is the host.

Joe: When was the last time you smoked weed on the job?

Jason: last year

Bob: yesterday (which will explain his next answer)

Joe: Have you ever faked a religion to skip a day of work

Bob: yes

Joe: Which holiday did you take off - Good Friday?

Bob: No, President's Day

Bob, put down the weed. You seriously may have done some brain damage over the years. Or maybe it was all those times you didn't wear a mask and the paint fumes made it to your brain. I don't really know what happened to you, but I suppose as long as you can tell blue from yellow, then you're still okay, right?

Arguing with the Special

2009-02-23T12:16:00.001-05:00

Me: Ryan, you are so annoying
Ryan: Your face!
Me: Your mom!
Ryan: 7!
Me:......what?
Ryan: Ha! I win!

Down with Making Money

2009-02-20T12:39:00.003-05:00

I'm tired of worrying about money and mortgages. Who is with me on that? Today is all about mindless entertainment. So forget about that depressing credit card debt and the money issues driving you crazy and enjoy six minutes of humor.

Why I love him

2009-02-19T11:54:00.000-05:00

Angry and fuming about a friend of mine, my husband tried to calm me down. "Honey, look at it this way. Friends are like a pair of clean underwear, it's always nice to know you have one."

Funding the Stimulus Package

2009-02-18T10:40:00.002-05:00

I came up with a great idea. Everyone is freaking out about how much it is going to cost us to do this stimulus package. Well, if you were watching yesterday while Obama signed it, you would have noticed that he used ten different pens. They're suppose to be used as memorabilia for those who helped create it. I have a better idea. Auction them off on Ebay. Who wouldn't want their own little chunk of history? This package could save the country - could you imagine what the pen it was signed with (by the first black president)would be worth? We could use the money to fund the plan. That chair he was sitting on? Ebay! What about the desk the stimulus plan was signed on? Ebay! The silly tie he was wearing? EBAY! Talk about stimulating the economy...this could work :)

Somethings shouldn't be yelled

2009-02-17T10:26:00.003-05:00

I was doing my grocery shopping yesterday in Walmart. Walmart is the only place where no matter how backwoods and white trash you are, there is someone there who has you beat. While walking around in a desperate search for pineapple, I couldn't help but overhear two employees talking. Talking is an understatement. They were actually shouting to each other across the entire produce section. While slightly annoying to have one yelling in my ear asking the other about her tax return, I about died when I heard the response. With much glee and happiness in her voice, she yelled back, "My boyfriend is gonna buy me somethin' nice with the tax return." yup...yelled loud enough that even the people by the tomatoes heard her. So if you are feeling down with your crappy Valentine's day gift, or think you might be a little too white trash, take heart in the fact that you aren't this girl.

This ain't no rodeo.

2009-02-15T18:01:00.002-05:00

I find that it is better to spend at least a little money to do something fun, then to scrimp every penny and be bored out of my mind. Even though it is a recession, everyone needs a bit of fun right? We all went to the Professional Bull Riders (PBR) event in a nearby town. It was all of the spectacular bull-jumping, cowboy-tossing, and horrible junk-food-eating I had hoped it would be. If you have never been to one, you gotta go. By the way, that picture is mine. Don't rip it off or I will find you.