zee big tourist

2010 Bar Exam Result

2010-03-25T21:20:00.000-07:00

It's mad.

We've been waiting for the 2010 Bar Exam results for months now.
Well, in my case, I've yet to take it. This coming September most probably. Hee hee.

News has it that the same will be released today. And we're all glued.

As per the Philippine Daily Inquirer, the Supreme Court will be releasing the 2010 Bar Exam results, today.

A total of 1451 out of 5903 examinees from 108 law schools passed the 2009 Bar exams.
This according to Associate Justice Eduardo Nachura, chairman of the 2009 Bar Exams committee.

What is the percentage of the passing rate? 24.58% ?? Compared to last year?

Mad.

How To Set Up Security Password for Edimax Router

2009-11-09T22:57:00.000-08:00

Just an addendum to my previous post. My connection is PLDT My DSL, if you must know, but this will work even for non-PLDT MyDsl subscribers.

How To set up a Security Password to your Edimax Router

1. To configure your wireless security, pull up an Internet Explorer.

2. Type in 192.168.2.1 (this is your Edimax router's GUI) in the address bar (this is where you type in a website address on your Internet Explorer).

Hit Enter.

3. A dialog box will appear prompting you for the User Name and Password. For User name, type in ‘admin’. For Password, type in‘1234'.

Click on the ‘OK’ button.

3. The router's GUI will pull up.

4. Click on General Set Up*. Then click on Wireless.

5. Then a page will open where you will given several choices (Basic Settings, Security Settings, MAC Address Filtering. .).

Click on the Security Settings radio button. Then click on Next.

On the next step, choose the following:

1. Encription: WPA - PSK or WPA Pre Shared Key

2. WPA Unicast Cipher Suite: Click on WPA (TKIP)

3. Pre-shared Key Format (This is how long your intended password should be) :

-Choose Passphrase - for 8 characters-long passwords
- Choose Hex - for passwords up to 64 characters long.

4. Pre-Shared Key: Enter your intended password

This is the password that you have set to wirelessly connect to the router.
You should now be able to connect to the Edimax router wirelessly.

*If you can't find General Set Up in your Edimax router's GUI version, just look for the Wireless menu, and it should also take you there.

Had a bit of a hard time configuring the router, so I thought I should spare you the sweat, tears and toil.

Now put down that hammer before you hurt somebody. :-)

How To Configure Edimax router with PLDT My DSL

2009-11-08T03:14:00.000-08:00

We recently bought an Edimax router (the one going for less than two grand), from Green Hills, to go with our PLDT MyDSL.

It's quite easy to configure, but a bit challenging and tricky if you're impatient.

It took me roughly half a day, because I'm obnoxious and conceited. :-D

So here's to helping you good folks, out:

How to configure your Edimax router with PLDT My DSL

1. Pop in the CD-ROM (included in your router package). You will be asked to connect your modem to your Edimax router and your Edimax router to your computer. Be sure to follow the instructions in the CD-ROM carefully.

2. Go through the step by step procedure in the CD-ROM. The preliminary instructions are self explanatory, so no need to go thru the details here.

3. When you reach the part where its asking you what type is your internet connection - you will be given the following options:

- Cable Modem, Fixed IPx DSL, PPPoE, PPP, L2TP xDSL, Telstra Big Pond, etc. .

Choose 'Cable Modem'.

This is where I got stuck the first few tries.

I kept on insisting on using 'Fixed IPx DSL', but when I did an ipconfig (you don't have to do this) several times, I noticed that the IP address changes. So definitely, I don't have a Fixed/Static IP. Rather, I have a Dynamic IP address. So I cannot use 'Fixed IPx DSL'.

But the choices doesn't include Dynamic IP. Only Fixed IP. My Internet connection type is not included in the list, so what do I do?

Yes, I can curse the salesman who sold me the Edimax router, but other than that, what do I do?? This is the tricky part.

Click on 'Cable Modem'. Don't ask questions. Just click on it.

Then click Next.

4. You will be asked to enter Host and MAC address. Leave the Host field blank. And for the MAC address, click on the Clone button.

5. Save your settings.

6. Then press on the Reset button at the back of your Edimax router for 30 seconds.

7. The lights on the Edimax router will start blinking like crazy for a few seconds to a full minute or two. Wait. Patience, young jedi.

8. Mouse over your internet connection on your task bar. It should now tell you that there is/are Wireless connection available. If you hadn't renamed anything yet, your Wireless connection's default name is 'Default'. Click on it to connect.

You should now be able to connect to the internet. And you can also unplug the ethernet/RJ45 from your computer.

You should now be able to connect wirelessly. Woohoo.

TIP:

- Should you not be able to connect again, AFTER being able to connect WIRELESSLY already, just press on the Reset button at the back of your Edimax router for 30 seconds, WITHOUT turning off your modem or your computer. In the industry, we call it 'hard reset.' Naks. It almost always works.

- Also, don't dismiss the User Guide/Manual/Documentation. Read it.

- If there's anything that's not in the Manual, Google it. It helps to check what others have to say.

If you have questions, write it in the comment part. I'm not an expert, but If I can, I'd be ecstatic to help you out.

Cheers!

Hobbes, er, Hobbies.

2009-11-06T03:07:00.000-08:00

My hobbies will kill me.

Er, except for the biking part. I honestly hate it. But due to some personal circumstances which I have to live with, I have to like it. So I do everything I can just to excuse myself from engaging in this revolting hobby. No offense to cyclists out there.

As I've heard someone say it - No Hands, No Helmets, Just Balls. How about 'Just Stupid'? Just my two pesos.

And since I invent ingenious ways on how to avoid it, statistics tend to go my favor.

I will not die holding a damn bike, dig?

But If I don't stop this insanity, I'd die riding it.

I've snacked on several types of dirt many times while trying to retain my composure and keeping my anatomy in one piece, in the process. Biking is not for sissies. Hence, it's not for me. 'Nuff said.

Nevertheless, I happen to like swimming and karting much.

Swimming is therapeutic, me thinks. Although I've almost drowned several times while trying to cross the border. I've almost been lunch for sharks while undoing my wetsuit, underwater, from whence I scuba dived in Maldives.

Yep, in my dreams. . .

My dream is to be shark-bait in Maldives.

But seriously, it's true. I've almost drowned several times while braving the four feet deep swimming pools in those cheap resorts that we frequent to. While kids aged 9 and below are having the time of their lives mocking me, as they swim like pros, past me.

It's okay with me, though. I'm non-confrontational. Totally.

I'll just give each of them a swift whack on the head when their moms aren't looking.

So that's it for Human Bacteria Frap pools. While with beaches (spelling still under reconsideration), I'd rather bask lazily under the sun. Salt water hurts my ego. :-)

And karting. . karting is exhilarating. I crashed onto a barrier (as someone has wittily put it) while trying to negotiate a hair-pin curve on my first try. Naks! And my speed? I'm not sure. Probably a toss between 5 to 6kph.

Not bad for a turtle. Bad for me.

And oh yeah, Karting is expensive. Hence, Karting hurts my wallet. And if I don't stop, I'd go broke and die from starvation. Not that I'm flourishing right now.

I'm actually a few instant noodles away from bankruptcy.

So there. My Hobbies will kill me. If not, then Hobbes, Calvin's Tiger will.

Come here, kitty, kitty. .

(Some pictures taken during my lucidity. Some, otherwise. Go figure.)

Grilled Chicken Penne

2009-11-06T03:01:00.000-08:00

Just want to share the only recipe I know that can make you look like a seasoned cook when you're just imagining that you are. Hehe.

This dish really rocks my world. And I want to share this delightful experience with you. So, here goes:

Grilled Chicken Penne

Ingredients:

1/2 kilo - Penne pasta, boiled
2 pieces - grilled or boiled chicken breast, cubed
2 cups - cheddar cheese, grated
1 small can - sliced button mushrooms,
2 packs - all-purpose cream
3 pieces - green bell pepper, cut into strips
1 pc - onion, white variety, chopped
A stick of butter

Sauté in butter the onion and chicken until the onion is transparent and aromatic. Mix in the mushrooms and bell peppers. Stir-fry for 3 minutes. Add the all-purpose cream and cheese. Stir and let it stay for 5 more minutes. Pour over boiled Penne.

Top with Italian seasoning herbs if it strikes your fancy. Tapos mag timpla ka ng OJ or iced tea.

Solb!

Lucky Me! Mac and Cheez

2009-11-06T01:14:00.000-08:00

It's weird. Something this instant can taste this good.

I am a big fan of Mac and Cheese and anything that squarely falls into this category.
I am a big fan of food though I am not that big on cooking (and anything that falls into that realm). Hehe.

There is one recipe though that I can make, that can kick some connoisseur ass in the process.
I call it - Grilled Chicken Penne. Sounds delectable, eh? Cheap lang yan! Hehe.

Somebody I know, invented it. I just polished it to its sumptuous finesse. Ha! But I will leave discussing about my heavenly Chicken some other time.

The limelight now momentarily goes to Lucky Me! Mac and Cheez.

It's amazing how Monde Nissin were able to capture that smoked taste and scrumptious smell and texture. It tastes like the real thing. Only, it's wonderfully instant. What's more, they made it with the Fusili-like pasta to boot!

At 16 bucks a pack, It can make a burlesque out of expensive gourmet mac and cheeses.

A real treat that will satisfy your gastronomical desires.
I will now have to cut down my intake on my other sodium-laden-junk food to accommodate my new vice.

I hate you Lucky Me! for infecting me with another one of your palatable plague!

This is not a paid post.

We Don't Need You

2009-11-05T04:15:00.000-08:00

After several months of 'uncomfortable silence', I'm back. .

Or so I think.

Still quite busy with hibernating and stuff, but forgive me people, I can't help but rant regarding the 'photo finish' voters' registration for the 2010 elections that was held a few days ago. .

I've always been prejudicial to most government agencies and majority of their employees (precisely due to my numerous first-hand experience in relation to their sucky service, surly attitude and well-loved bureaucracy).

But this time, my sentiments are with COMELEC and its alipores.

We, the voters, are given more than enough time to prepare, gather our wits and march to our nearest friendly neighborhood COMELEC office to register our asses, but we dint.

We were given roughly One-Whole-Year to decide if we want to exercise our right of suffrage.
But we chose to take our sweet time.

We could've squeezed in to our busy lives a few hours to get on with our registration, but no.
We chose to drop by Mall of Asia instead. And because of all the tinsel in the said establishment, we chose to drop by more frequently. Like every waking hour. Yeah, Juan?

We can't say that we're not aware of the on-going registration. We get slapped with that bit of information, every day.

Sure, we may busier than the Air Traffic Controllers at Narita, but dude, One-Whole-Year?!? Come on. Can't you squeeze a day out of your 365 days?

We just chose to postpone the deed.

And if there were a FEW people who genuinely exerted the effort but still didn't manage to beat the deadline due to some very extraordinary circumstances in their lives, sure, we can live with that.

But those few individuals, I'm betting my dog's garapata on this, doesn't represent the majority of those who showed up during the last few hours of registration.

How do we expect to change this country's future if we can't change our habits?

How do we expect to experience a smooth and hassle-free registration if we chose to visit the registration booths the last minute?

What do we expect? That the red carpet will be rolled out for us, and our registration forms served on a golden platter?

And we even had the nerve to complain that the process is so damn slow, and that we should yell at the agency's employees since they are wasting our time, and so we have the right to run amuck??

Please spare me. You infuriate me. Big time.

Tell you what? Do us a favor. Don't bother to register or vote.

The responsible citizens, can make up for yours. We're better off without you.

We don't need you.

Capice? Good.

Luck

2009-10-20T06:01:00.000-07:00

I don't believe in bad luck or good luck.

Though due to it's hippie touch, I tend to be neutral on Karma. Hehe

But as they say, these things come in Threes. Or something to that effect.
My databank is dwindling at this time of the day. Bear with me.

A few days ago, I had three 'bad lucks' in a day. On the same day:

1. One of my molars chipped.

I was busy stuffing my face with junk food while repartee-ing about Biodiversity and World Peace (Kidding, of course. Our intellects are no match for our egos. Hehe.) with my classmates when I suddenly felt something hard with my food. Voila! A part of my molar decided to secede from its pack.

I guess it was partly a 'good luck', since I noticed the chipped tooth right away and was saved from ingesting the damn thing.

2. I was in a case of Mistaken Identity.

On my way home, while I was diligently waiting for my traffic light to turn green, I witnessed a car, very similar to what I was driving that day, beat the red light, leaving the poor traffic enforcer fellow shrieking on top of his lungs, for the traffic violator to stop. The goon just drove off.

I half felt sorry for the traffic dude - and half found the incident amusing.
I don't know. It just does.

So when I was given the Green, I drove off. I managed to see the offending vehicle and was able to tailgate him for sometime. But he was fast and I lost him on the first turn.

When I was about to do a left, on my left sideview mirror, I saw the same traffic enforcer (this time) on a motorcycle, was signalling me to stop.

I knew it! He's mistaken me for the other dude. Or not.

I didn't stop right away. The part of the street that I'm on was dark and he could be another goon for all I know. But nonetheless, I lowered my window and asked him why. He didn't answered my question and just asked me to park the vehicle.

A few meters ahead, I saw a couple of traffic enforcers like him beside a lamp post. I opted to stop there instead.

When I stopped, he approached me and said that I was beating the red light.

I lost my cool.

My face turned red in anger. I told him that I was not the one who made the infraction. That it was another car, similar to what I was driving, same car company, same color, but definitely not the same specie. His was a van, mine was a 4x4. Mine was a lot smaller.

And that the violator has already turned right.

The shmuck has fled the scene, while I was left to answer for his bad behavior. Amazing.

Even in the dark of night, you can tell the difference.
He, obviously, is not well-versed with all the types.

After MY heated explanation, he and his comrades apologized and agreed to let me go.
It was a good thing that that was just that. That they did not mistook me for a carnapper or kidnapper or what have you.

I might have lost more than my cool. I may have lost my limb.

You see, I respect these traffic people who braves the streets, come rain or hot-scorching sunshine. But come on, man. Our jobs are clothed with public service.
Let us not lose that level of diligence that is expected of us. Yeah?

3. Amnesia.

I know that there was a third misfortune that happened to me that day.
I even remember telling the story to my mom.

But now, I can't remember. Seems I also have no immunity from Memory Gap. I've been racking my brains for hours now but I still can't remember.

Guess, it's not that significant or worthy of being told, and my neurons knew of it that's why they're not giving it their best shot.

Oh well.

So yeah, what is the point of all these pointless stories? Nothing.

Forgive me. I too, get tired of writing significant, noteworthy and momentous posts that will be useful for the Human Race, sometimes.

;-)

Sometimes, I get the kicks for blabbering like an idiot. :-)

Bobby Henderson's Mag Aso Falls Flash Flood | Bohol Philippines

2009-07-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

Have you heard of this particularly riveting account of the recent flash flood in Mag-Aso Falls in Bohol where it allegedly claimed two lives?

I stumbled upon a blog where the author, Bobby Henderson wrote about the Mag-Aso Falls flash flood. It struck a familiar chord in my innards precisely because we have experienced the same. Though not on the same location, or body of water. This is more of a wide spread calamity (if you've heard of Typhoon Milenyo - well, he's the star of the show).

I had a first hand harrowing experience with flash flood. Right in our very neighborhood. Where we could have drowned. Inside our very Fortress of Solitude.
So you see, I can give a rough estimate on how this freaky and scary event would have on humans. Wimps (like me) and mortals alike.

Thanks for the account, Bobby Henderson. And the pictures and video, too.

Hope something could be done here by the authorities (and the concerned public) to help stop this tragic event from happening and claiming innocent lives. Again.

Internet Explorer cannot open the Internet site | Operation aborted

2009-06-11T19:43:00.000-07:00

(click on the image for a larger view)

Warning: Geek Alert

I almost got deranged this afternoon. Well, not that I'm particularly sane.

You see, I've been tinkering with my blog site for several days now (adding and deleting codes here and there, experimenting with add-ons and widgets and stuff) .

Everything was working great up until I clicked on one of my old posts under Archives, and got this error message:

Internet Explorer cannot open the Internet site
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Operation aborted

I was stunned for a moment. I clicked on my other older posts under Archives and still got the same error.
I clicked on the post title and still got the same error.

If I click on 'OK' on the error message, the page would stop loading and will then return a 'Page Cannot Be Displayed'.

This error only occurs when I am NOT logged on to my Blogger site (you know, as the owner), and also whenever I click on an older post or a post title. But in all other instances, the site would behave properly.

I panicked a bit. My technical know-how level, varies from Zero to Zilch.
I'm an idiot when it comes to programming and stuff, m'kay?

I checked on my other sites and they are all working fine (given the fact that they have an almost identical layout).
So, I backed off on the idea that it is a browser issue (but I ain't ruling it out completely though, since I have no problem viewing the site via Firefox).

I Googled for answers and got the following suggestions:

1. Edit the code and move the child code from the parent code (whatever that means).
2. Use Mozilla Firefox instead.
3. Download Internet Explorer 8 (since IE8 no longer sports the said 'bugs').
4. Wait it out. Some folks said that it's better not to look for work-arounds and just use Mozilla. They said that time will come - when everyone shifts to Firefox- the Microsoft gang will decide to debug IE and would finally come down with a solution that'd really work.

Obviously, I can't put Option No. 1 into action. I don't know how to, even if I want to.

I did Option No. 2 and downloaded Mozilla Firefox, but I know that it is of course better to get my site up and running on both IE and Firefox. Self explanatory.

I don't want to follow Option No. 3. Too messy.

I can't wait it out. I don't have the luxury. I need my site up today. Today. Dig? Hence, Option No. 4 is sacrilege.

As minutes passed, I was able to think of a plan. I will slam my laptop into pieces.
I will download my crappy site's code and save it, then I would create a test blog and upload my code. I even downloaded 'DownloadThemAll ' for Firefox, as I was getting ready to delete my old blog and start anew.
My time and effort for more than 2 months, down the freaking drain.

It will waste a lot of time, yeah, but after hours of trial and error (more of error, actually), it was the only rational thing to do. I figured there's no way that I can find a short-cut for this booboo.

And then I thought of something magnifico: I deleted all my widgets FIRST, then (I thought) if it's still no go, that is the time that I will be deleting all the posts. I figured it is harder to reconstruct the posts itself, that's why I'm saving it for later.

After I removed all the widgets, I logged off and then I tried to view the darn site again (as a visitor), and then, I clicked on one of my stupid Archive links.

Lo and behold! The error message stopped from appearing. Whoa.

After undergoing an unintentional crash course on HTML, it was a relief to finally have figured out what was causing the problem. I added the widgets back one by one and would log off and test the blog, every so often.

After a few minutes I discovered that my 'Recent Comments' and 'Twitter Updates' widgets are the ones causing the error. The said widgets worked fine for several weeks but now they're causing this browser error.
So after I removed them, all's well again.

Neat.

Things I learned from this dragging experience is that:

1. You need to back up your site and your content. Duh.
2. You also need to check the functionality of your site, every time you edit the code. Every-waking-time.
3. You need to track the changes you made so that it'd be easier for you to do a work-back.
4. Download Firefox! It's better to have an option.
5. And before attempting to mutilate your hard drive, Google it. Might save you a lot of time. You know, a hundred brilliant to mediocre heads' better than a stupid egoistic one.

Techie folks out there might say that everything that I said is no big deal. And it's all just common sense.
For them, maybe. But not for me.

Common sense is not so common, capice?

On Prison Bars and Cheeseburger

2009-06-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

Hey there boys and girls.

I was out of commission for several weeks, yeah?
Well, I wish I could say that I was out because I spent my summer sunbathing on some pristine beach, sipping some Pina Coladas. . .

I wish too, that I could post pictures of my scantily-clad-tanned-and-drop-dead-gorgeous anatomy on the internet, in the process.
(Multiple lies in the previous statement. Go figure. Ha ha.)

I wish. But I, obviously can't.

This summer, I burned the midnight oil and managed to finish my Apprenticeship with one of the best law firms in our traffic-heavy town.
Told 'ya. I'm Boredom Bonanza.

First time, in my (conscious) life that I didn't go to the beach, come summer time.
I didn't miss it precisely because I was enjoying myself way too much with Apprenticeship.

I together with my apprenticeship-mates attended court hearings.
I sat beside hand-cuffed hardened criminals (innocent or otherwise).
I shared restrooms with felons of different shapes and sizes.
I laughed at the same jokes with rapists, murderers and swindlers among others.
What fun!

But there were moments during the lengthy hearings that I would just stare at my 'seatmate-inmates'. . . and feel for them. It's an improvement because the first time I rubbed elbows with them, I was scared shitless.

Some of them would look back. I'm not sure, if in confusion or disgust. Or if they're just buying time. . waiting for the moment to strangle me with my meddlesome eyes.

I can't help but contemplate how I am going to take things, had our situations in life been exchanged. How am I going to deal with it.

I am not an inmate and I already feel lousy.
Well, I'd be a lousy inmate. No doubt about that.

I stared at them again, then looked away.

I know for a fact that had the urge to stuff my face with cheeseburger, fries and pizza (economically permitting), I would be able to get out of that darn room anytime, and satisfy my gastronomical desires.

However mundane it is, I am free to binge at the sight of any fast food outlet out there, any-freaking-day.

I am free to go out and breathe the smog-laden air on the streets.
I am free to go anywhere and do what I want, to my heart's content.

I am free.

I stared back at them again. I don't think I'd be able to stand a day of confinement.
I'd go mental.

I somehow feel for them. I can't help it. Although I know that some of them, heck, even a majority of them, 'maybe' guilty as charged. And that, I should instead 'feel' for the family and individuals that they 've done ill things to.
After all, I have a relative whose loved one was hacked to death by robbers. The goons are now locked up pending trial, fortunately.

I guess, it's the innocent-look that they sport during the hearings, is what makes me feel sad.
I am in no position to tell if they're guilty or not, so I wouldn't be sure if it's all just an act.
I guess, it's also the fact that they're incarcerated while I am free to roam.

The closest thing that I've experienced to being imprisoned, is being grounded as a child.
Totally, my bad.

I wasn't allowed to go out of the house for two days.
Two days. T-W-O D-A-Y-S. Imagine a life sentence.
You understand what I'm sayin??

I didn't even experience detention back in elementary and high school since it wasn't the thing then. My teachers would rather slave us or make us buy pageant tickets, rather than detain us. It was a breeze.

Jail-time is a real bummer. That is if you are one guilty schmuck.

But what if you are totally innocent. What is it then??
Words won't do any justice. So I better zip my mouth up.

All in all, my summer was well spent. Apprenticeship may be a necessary exploit, but it sure was an enjoyable one. I may not have spent the season under the sun, but I sure spent it under pressure.

The pressure of giving in and letting other people get the best of you. Effortlessly.
Just by looking it.

I just hope I'd be able to work around this 'pressure' and learn to conquer it when the need arises. Wish me luck.

And oh yeah, I can go to the beach, now that I'm done with Apprenticeship. I can go the beach, anytime, for that matter. I'll take my sweet time.

After all, I'm free.

Image courtesy of http://forpeterssake.wordpress.com

Happy (first month) Birthday! Zee!

2009-05-06T19:15:00.001-07:00

I started dishing out these negligible articles and whipped up this site from nothingness, just a month ago. Well, April 3, 2009 to be exact. Today's May 7, 2009.

Nothing changed.

Only, now we have a new nasty flu virus, Pacquiao won over Hatton, several people died from a killer storm in the country and leaving thousands of people homeless. . . and oh yeah, a friend just caught his wife and his bestfriend, living the time of their lives.

But other than those things, nothing changed. Me and my site are just a month older.

'Every passing minute is another chance to turn
it all around.’ - Vanilla Sky (2001)

This minute you've nothing to ask for. The next minute, you've lost everything you've lived for.

This month you are the warm epicenter of someone’s life. The next month you are just a stinking dirt of this stinking Earth.

A mental note of Tyler Durden's philosophy is ringing on the background.

'After you've lost everything,
you're free to do anything.'

How many Ground Zeros has Tyler experienced before he became this bitter??
Or rather, 'enlightened'??

Wouldn't I want to know.

(Sidetrack: May 7 is my father's birthday. He's been with the Supreme Being for sometime now. But we still miss him. Happy Birthday Dad!)

(Image on the right courtesy of: electronicmuseum.files.wordpress.com)

PayBack

2009-04-29T08:32:00.000-07:00

I am so bad. Or am I? Well, it's like this:

We signed up for the internet and phone service from one of the oldest phone companies in the country late last year.

We don't really have much use for the landline (precisely because this is cellular phone age, and mainly because we don't have a chest of landline numbers from people we know. The most will probably be five people) but since we can't get the internet line without the landline, we don't really have much of a choice. We signed up for the bundle package.

Now the wonderful thing about this trivial matter is that, every day, that busted phone will ring and the person on the other end would ask if we were this particular cable company.
Sometimes it will ask if we were this particular cellular network company.
But most of the time, We are the cable company.

It's a relief they don't ask if we are the mental institution.

Of all the calls we've received so far, ninety percent of the time, the caller will not ask for anyone from the household. It will not be a call for us. It will be a call for the cable company.

We are ruling out prank callers because we get a different person every time. A totally different human being. Like fifteen to twenty or so, a day.
The idea of a prank caller bugging us everyday, the whole day, for several months, is just not so plausible.

It never fails. Every-screaming-day.

I guess, it'd be okay, if we don't have stuff to do and all we do is wait by the phone and answer their every call.

But no, we have a life.
We don't have any plans of converting our household into a call center.
Not anytime soon, people. Not any time soon.

So after a few weeks of tolerance, we did what a sane person would do. We brought the matter to the attention of our phone/internet company. We asked them if they've given us a recycled phone number. Or if there is a cross line or party line or whatever. We asked for an explanation. We want to change numbers. We want to drop the landline, if that's possible.
We want the ringing to freaking stop for chrissakes!

The customer service (a kind looking old timer), told us that they did not give us a recycled number. That the numbers are assigned randomly by their system. That they don't know why our phone line is doing what it is doing. That if we changed numbers, it would cost us (yeah, like we would go for it).
That they want to help us, but they can't do anything about it for the moment.

They're very good in giving us options. We don't have a choice. Again.

We need to live with the maddening incessant ringing if we want to keep the internet service.
We sometimes tone down the volume of the ringer or turn it off altogether, but those are the times (we realized later on), that we get calls, that were meant for us.

Alanis Morissette had already given an extensive seminar about life's irony. We should've listened.

So you see, we still don't have a choice. We need to turn up the volume. And just answer each and every call. We don't have the luxury to skim. If only other providers are available to service our location in the boondocks, things might have been different.

We decided to get on with our lives and see how long can we put up with Monster Telephone in our household.

So everyday, what we usually do is we let them say their piece, and we patiently tell them they dialed the wrong number.

Well, that's what my civilized family members do.
I don't.

I tell them 'wrong number' right away, or I don't answer at all, then hang up.
That is if I am in a good mood.

But sometimes, we have callers that can pass as relatives of Nurse Ratched. They are not all tame and sweet.

One time, I answered this call from a fuming woman.
She said "ANO BA BAT WALA KAYONG CABLE?!? ANG MAHAL NG SINGIL AT BINABAYADAN NAMIN SA INYO TAPOS WALA KAYONG CABLE?!? MAY IMPORTANTE AKONG PANONOORIN!!! ANO MAKIKINIG KA NA LANG BA DIYAN?!!! BAKIT?!?!? BAKIT WALA KAMING CABLE?!?!?'

(Loose translation: HEY WHY DON'T YOU HAVE CABLE?!? WE ARE PAYING SO MUCH AND YOU DON'T HAVE CABLE?!! I HAVE TO WATCH SOMETHING IMPORTANT!!! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?! ARE YOU JUST GOING TO SIT THERE AND LISTEN?!!! WHY??!! WHY DON'T WE HAVE CABLE?!?!?!!!!)

I was a bit infuriated. This woman is yelling at me.
For crying out loud.

I let out a deep sigh. Force of habit. I answered in my most sarcastic tone, "Wrong number."
It's hard not to take it personally, at times, you know. I am only human.

Circumstances permitting, I still try to retain my cool.

But things were different, just a while ago. It was a stroke of genius.
I was watching TV with my family when our cable went out. I knew that calls would start pouring in. And of course it did. Like clockwork.

But today I am in my element (I had a whiff of my insecticide budget for the week) and I plan to make life surreal for all my beloved 'callers', today.

So Monster Phone did its thing. And I picked up.
The caller sounded like a nice middle-aged man.
Sorry, dude. You are the first guinea pig.

He said, "Hello? _ _ _ _ _ _ cable??"

I answered in a very irate tone, "HELLO?!? BAT WALA KAMING CABLE?!? BAT LAGI NA LANG GANYAN ANG SERBISYO NYO?!?! WALA TALAGA KAYONG KA-KWENTA KWENTA!!! MAGSARA NA KAYO!!! MGA WALANG KWENTA!!!" (Translation: HELLO?!? WHY DON'T YOU HAVE CABLE?!? WHY DOES YOUR SERVICE ALWAYS SUCKS?!? YOU REALLY ARE GOOD FOR NOTHING!!! YOU BETTER CLOSE DOWN!!! GOOD FOR NOTHING!!!)

The poor man asked in total confusion, "Ah-ah. Ano po???" (Translation: Huh? What?!?)

I hung up.

(insert maniacal laughter here)

This will beat my insecticide-sniffing-session any day! I was laughing like a hyena after I hung up.

I've told my family about it and they lost it. Well, at least some of them.
Now they're getting ideas on what to say next.

(If you have any, please do tell me. I am sooo open for suggestions. *wink wink*)

It's gratifying to find a way to get back at life. It's a very rewarding experience, I tell you.

From now on, our callers will have a brand new experience.
A surreal customer service experience!

Hopefully, they lose a bit of sleep over the darn thing. Bwahahaha!

Calvin and Hobbes has this effect on me. I better seek professional help.

Of Summer Heat and Character

2009-04-26T07:22:00.000-07:00

I'd like to complain about the scorching hot days and nights this
summer , and why I, together with the majority of humanity (in my part of the world) get irritated even for the most trivial of matters precisely because the weather is conducive for running amuck.

When its hot, humans of different types and ages, goes mental.

Why is that?? Well, we don't need a rocket scientist to figure that out.
When its hot, we feel uncomfortable, sticky, sweaty, itchy, and me - disoriented.
Now, where was I?
Yep, you got it correct the first time.

But come to think of it, children in Africa endure this kind of weather all the time. At least for us, when it's getting too hot for comfort, we have accessible omnipresent malls for reprieve. (And chest refrigerators too!)

I'm ignorant on this matter but I am guessing they don't have that many a mall (compared to us) to run for cover when the sun is unforgiving.

Probably it's the 'getting-used-to' part, why Africans are in a much better position to withstand this kind of weather.
Good for them. Bad news for us.

I often see them playing basket on one of my nature shows, under the blazing sun and they do it with big smiles plastered on their faces.
They wash their dishes with animal urine in the afternoon and still have the vim, vigor and vitality to sing and dance with their neighbors by the bonfire, come dusk.

They are such happy, positive and wonderful people that - come to think of it - I should be envious of.
I am boredom bonanza. I am the decaying matter of this planet.

The way these people live their lives makes me ashamed to live mine.
The way they carry on with their 'everyday', belittles my take on my 'every week'.

I complain that I don't have enough sleep.
I complain that I don't have enough corn on my Corn and Carrot nibblets from the cafeteria.
I complain that a schmuck just robbed me of his parking space.
I complain that I don't have an iPhone just yet.

I complain that it's too freaking hot and I want my air-conditioning!!
I am the heiress of this Earth and I must be gratified!!

Tsk, tsk. I want to kick myself in the arse.

I just need to visualize my heroes from Africa and I'd be humiliated once again.
I should be ashamed of myself.

Sure, let's complain that its hot and we are melting like the ice caps, if that'll make you feel a tad bit better, but hey, don't take it out on other people.

Don’t take it out on animals (which now scurries out of your way because they're used to seeing your feet when you kick their hide.)

Don't take it out on traffic enforcers, when they can't let you pass through just yet (You need to wait for your turn. You are not God). Most of them are out there on the streets, waving their weary arms - rain or (burning hot sun) shine. They're humans too, you know.
Pay them a little respect. Abide by the traffic rules, if you can.

And please, if you want to complain about the heat, do just that.
Don't make up lame excuses for your lack of character.

Dig? Good.

I went off tangent there again. It's becoming a vicious hobby. I told you this heat is disorienting.

'Lemme just adjust my air conditioning, m'kay?

Image on the right courtesy of Flickr.com, TreyReynolds

Coffee Morning!

2009-04-18T23:59:00.000-07:00

This is my morning (and most of the time), afternoon and evening ritual - a cup of coffee.

I think I have tried almost all the coffee variants available locally, except for the exotic Civet Coffee
(I am still eyeing on my island before I get to it).

I have tried flavored coffee (chamomile, coffee chocolate, mint etc.), coffee tea, green coffee, gourmet coffee and of course the basic black, among others. Of course, I've tried the iced, just cold, brain-freezing cold, flavored and plain variants too.

I remember, I've tried espresso once. I didn't get any shuteye that day and I can't keep myself awake at the office so I hurriedly got me two shots of espresso from our friendly neighborhood coffee house. Man! I will not do it again! I was palpitating like silly!
Wahahahah! Adrenaline rush incarnate!

Most people I know are used to getting their daily budget of espresso but I am such a chicken to try it again. Probably after I try the Civet Coffee, I'll give espresso a second chance.

And probably get an espresso machine to boot. Ha!

I have a coffee grinder, several coffee makers (both the cheap and the tad bit expensive kind), I have coffee filters of different shapes and sizes. I used to buy coffee beans both from well known international and local coffee houses. I used to ask them to grind the coffee beans for me (free of charge) first to suit my drip coffee maker that time.

And the best type of coffee bean that I've tried as I've discussed before is the Guatemala Antigua (medium or smooth) variety.

During some very sleepy mornings, I would whip up a couple of servings and the aroma of my Guatemala Antigua coffee would be enough to drive most of my family members out of their beds.

Coffee brewing is one of the loveliest smells to wake up to. Fresh linens is next.

Hey, I have an idea, what if Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, instead of making chocolates made gourmet coffee instead? Wouldn't it be nice to live next to his factory and wake up to brewing coffee every morning?

I just need to get hold of a Golden Ticket.

11th Tour of the Fireflies 2009

2009-04-18T23:58:00.000-07:00

Check out the video below, to get a whiff of street pollution, er, a day of blood, sweat, tears and tireless toil, but fulfilling, nonetheless.

The Fireflies' way of wriggling its glowing butt right at Global Warming's face.

Right on.

(Stupid question - What's the difference between Bikes and Bicycles besides the spelling?)

O-kay. Don't answer.

Seinfeld-ism

2009-04-18T23:54:00.000-07:00

(feeback ringing. . .)
We interrupt this show for a special update . . . .

Attention all Hipster Doofuses out there. . . . . following is an account of some of the best lines taken from the best TV series of all-time . . . .

(of A-L-L T-I-M-E. Capice?)

Tan ta na nann! SEINFELD!

Wheeee! (insert canned laughter and applause here)

Enjoy!

----------------------------------------------------
Jerry Seinfeld : If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello?

-----------------------------------------------------

Jerry Seinfeld This jacket has completely changed my life.
George Costanza Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunched heterosexuality. It's fabulous.
Jerry Seinfeld How long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?

-----------------------------------------------------

Kramer : The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
Jerry: Wow.
George Costanza : You're Batman.
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry Seinfeld : You kept making all the stops?
Cosmo Kramer : Well, people kept ringing the bell!

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George Costanza : Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.

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George Costanza : I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up".
Elaine Benes : Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?
George Costanza: If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?

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Mr. Lippman: It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George Costanza: Who said that?
Mr. Lippman: She did.
George Costanza: Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.
Mr. Lippman: You're fired!
George Costanza: Well, you didn't have to say it like that.

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Gina: Kiss me right in front of him.
Jerry Seinfeld: I can't. What if he wakes up.
Gina: A man is lying here unconscious and you're afraid of him. What kind of a man are you?
Jerry Seinfeld: I'm a man who respects a good coma.

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Cosmo Kramer: So what's going on between you and Gina?
Jerry Seinfeld : Well, I went with her to the hospital last night. So we're in the room, and she's trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.

Cosmo Kramer: See, that's the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what'd you do?
Jerry Seinfeld: Nothing.
Cosmo Kramer: What kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?

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George Costanza: [George rushes into Jerry's apartment] Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?
Jerry Seinfeld : No, what happened to you?
George Costanza: All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries".
Jerry Seinfeld : I'm Vandelay Industries?
George Costanza: Right.
Jerry Seinfeld What is that?
George Costanza: You're in latex.
Jerry Seinfeld What do I do with latex?
George Costanza: I don't know, you manufacture it.
Elaine Benes: Right here in this little apartment?
Jerry Seinfeld And what do I say about you?
George Costanza: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.
Jerry Seinfeld : I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman? I don't think so. Why would I do that?
George Costanza: Because I asked you to.
Jerry Seinfeld If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.

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Cosmo Kramer: [phone rings, Kramer picks up the phone] Hello... What Delay Industries?
George Costanza: [yelling from the bathroom] Vandelay! Say Vandelay!
Cosmo Kramer: No, you're way, way, way off. Well yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment.
George Costanza: [rushes out of the toilet with his pants on his knees] Vandelay! Say Vandelay Industries!
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, no problem.
Cosmo Kramer: How did you know who that was?
Jerry Seinfeld [enters apartment, sees George lying on the floor with his pants on his ankles] And you wanna be my latex salesman?

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George Costanza: It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong.

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Cushman: Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experience?
George Costanza: Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
Cushman: Go on.
George Costanza: All right. Before that, I was in real estate. I quit because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it.
Cushman: Do you talk to everybody like this?
George Costanza: Of course.
Cushman: My niece told me you were different.
George Costanza: I am different, yeah.

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Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. Mr.
Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.
George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
George Costanza: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.
George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!

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Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry Seinfeld Yeah, they're the worst.

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Frank Costanza: I have been performing feats of strength all morning.

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George Costanza: I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.

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Russell Dalrymple: So, what have you guys come up with?
Jerry Seinfeld Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself...
George Costanza: May I...?
Jerry Seinfeld Go ahead.
George Costanza: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing.
Russell Dalrymple: Nothing?
George Costanza: Nothing!
Russell Dalrymple: What does that mean?
George Costanza: The show is about nothing!

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George Costanza: [Kramer has just vomited on Susan] I never should have brought her up there.
Should have known better. I should have seen it coming, I didn't see it coming.
Jerry Seinfeld I think she saw it coming.

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Cosmo Kramer: You're wasting your life.
George Costanza: I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life.
Cosmo Kramer: OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: You got money?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have a woman?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: You got anything on the horizon?
George Costanza: Uh, no.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any action at all?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
George Costanza: I like to get the Daily News.

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George Costanza: Let me ask you something... What do you do for a living, Newman?
Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George Costanza: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes.
Jerry Seinfeld Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day.
Jerry Seinfeld All right, all right.

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Jerry Seinfeld Oh, by the way, Newman, I'm just curious, when you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium new year?
Newman: As a matter of fact, I did.
Jerry Seinfeld Oh, well, that's interesting, because, since everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't really begin until 2001, which would make your party one year late, and thus, quite lame.

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Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry Seinfeld Hello, Newman.

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George Costanza: Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?

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Cosmo Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious.
Jerry Seinfeld That's true.
Cosmo Kramer: It's very refreshing.

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Cosmo Kramer: Yo Yo Ma.

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Jerry Seinfeld :Oh, this is interesting...
Elaine: What?
Jerry Seinfeld :Jane's topless.
[everyone takes a look]
Cosmo Kramer: Yo yo ma.
Jerry Seinfeld : Boutros Boutros Ghali...
Elaine: Nice rack.

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Telemarketer: Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?
Jerry Seinfeld :Yes.

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Elaine: All right, let's go, I'll give you half an hour.
Jerry Seinfeld :You're serious?
Elaine: Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
Jerry Seinfeld :Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to.

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Blaine: What was bad about The English Patient?
Elaine: Only that it sucked.

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Jerry Seinfeld : Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

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[Looking at Elaine's Christmas card (photo by Kramer)]
Jerry Seinfeld : I'm not sure, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I see... a nipple.

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George Costanza: You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.

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Cosmo Kramer: Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty.

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Jerry Seinfeld : I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

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George Costanza: You're really moving to California?
Cosmo Kramer: [points to his head] Up here, I'm already gone.

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Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
Jerry Seinfeld : I went out with you.
Elaine: That's because my standards are too low.

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Elaine: I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian.

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Cosmo Kramer: A hot bowl of mulligatawny would hit the spot.
Elaine: Mulligatawny?
Cosmo Kramer: Yes, it's a delightful Hindu concoction simmered to perfection by one of the great soup artisans in the modern era.
Elaine: Who, the Soup Nazi?
Cosmo Kramer: He's not a Nazi, Elaine. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are.

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Cosmo Kramer: If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.

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Jerry Seinfeld :You can't keep avoiding her.
George Costanza: Why not? If she can't find me, she can't break up with me.

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Cosmo Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head.
Jerry Seinfeld :Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Cosmo Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.

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George Costanza: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant.
[Hits a home run]
George Costanza: It's not complicated.
Derek Jeter: Now, who are you again?
George Costanza: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.
Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
George Costanza: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?
Derek Jeter: We won the World Series.
George Costanza: In six games.

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George Costanza: I'm speechless. I have no speech.

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Jerry Seinfeld :Cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime someone says, "Ooh, this is so good - what's in this?" the answer invariably comes back, "cinnamon." Cinnamon. Again and again.

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Rental Car Agent: Would you like insurance?
Jerry Seinfeld :Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car.

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Jerry Seinfeld : You see, Elaine, the key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.

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Jerry Seinfeld :You know it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can help you get girls. But you also have a relationship. But if you try to get rid of the relationship so you can get girls, you lose the job. You see the irony?
George Costanza: Yeah, yeah, I see the irony.

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Jerry Seinfeld : You will be stunned.
Elaine: Stunned by soup?
Jerry Seinfeld :You can't eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle.

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George Costanza: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry Seinfeld : Mammal.
George Costanza: Whatever.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George Costanza: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
Cosmo Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
Cosmo Kramer: Hole in one, huh?

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George Costanza: I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances.
Jerry Seinfeld : You have made some good exits.

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George Costanza: I love you, Jer.
Jerry Seinfeld :Right back at you, slick.

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George Costanza: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Sleep, do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating... THAT'S a fantasy camp.

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Cosmo Kramer: ...that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then... *glugh*.

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Jerry Seinfeld :I need to talk to you about my friend, Dr. Tim Whatley. I think he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Priest: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry Seinfeld : No, it offends me as a comedian.

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George Costanza: They forgot my bread.
Jerry Seinfeld : [under his breath] Just forget it. Let it go.
George Costanza: Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.
Soup Nazi: Bread - $2 extra.
George Costanza: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
Soup Nazi: You want bread?
George Costanza: Yes, please.
Soup Nazi: $3!
George Costanza: What?
Soup Nazi: No soup for you!

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George Costanza: Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it.
Jerry Seinfeld :They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.
George Costanza: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together.

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Jerry Seinfeld :Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it?
George Costanza: I am not giving you my code.
Cosmo Kramer: I'll bet I can guess it.
George Costanza: Pssh. Yeah. Right.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?
George Costanza: Huh?
Cosmo Kramer: You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth.
George Costanza: Get out of here.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean.
George Costanza: I'm leaving.
Cosmo Kramer: [building up steam as George bolts for the door] No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!
George Costanza: I gotta go.
Cosmo Kramer: If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!
George Costanza: Shut up!
Cosmo Kramer: Nestlé's Quik!
George Costanza: Shut up!

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Cosmo Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry Seinfeld :How is it a write-off?
Cosmo Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry Seinfeld :You don't even know what a write-off is.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you?
Jerry Seinfeld :No, I don't.
Cosmo Kramer: But they do, and they're the ones writing it off.

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Jerry Seinfeld :To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there... you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it... you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you - 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party.

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[At a health club, in the sauna, Kramer is hot and flushed]
Cosmo Kramer: God... it's like a sauna in here.

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Cosmo Kramer: I'm on the Mexican, woah oh oh, radio.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: Hi, my name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry Seinfeld : I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: Jerry, what gives you pleasure?
Jerry Seinfeld : Listening to you. I come in here, I listen to you, I feel better. Your misery is my pleasure.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. 'Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense.
Jerry Seinfeld : Cheapness is not a sense.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: When she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It's a pleasure.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter, I was raised to give up. It's one of the few things I do well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newman: Just remember, when you control the mail, you control... information.

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[George sees two women holding hands in a video store, one of whom is his ex, Susan]
George Costanza: [to himself] Ooh, a lesbian sighting. They're so fascinating, why is that? Because they don't want us. You've got to respect that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: It's just that it's been so long since I've seen you.
Susan Biddle Ross: And you didn't expect to see me holding hands with a woman.
George Costanza: Oh, that. I think that's great. I'm all for experimentation - I'm the first guy in the pool. Who do you think you're talking to?
Susan Biddle Ross: I know who I'm talking to.
George Costanza: Of course you do.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Susan has become a lesbian]
George Costanza: About your... metamorphosis. When did it happen?
Susan Biddle Ross: About right after I broke up with you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Seinfeld :I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Noel: I am breaking up with YOU.
George Costanza: You can't break up with me, I've got Hand.
Noel: And you're going to need it...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[At the Puerto Rican Day Parade]
Elaine: We don't know how long this will last. They are a very festive people.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[at the Puerto Rican Day parade]
Jerry Seinfeld :You can't just leave the group.
Elaine: Jerry, I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con Dios.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[phone rings and George's answering machine comes on while he's home]
George Costanza: Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home.
[beep]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you're crazy... Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Seinfeld :This isn't a good time.
Telemarketer: When would be a good time to call back, sir?
Jerry Seinfeld : I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later?
Telemarketer: Umm, we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry Seinfeld :Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home.
Telemarketer: Umm, no.
Jerry Seinfeld :Well, now you know how I feel.
[hangs up phone]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank Costanza: Many Christmas' ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way.
Cosmo Kramer: What happened to the doll?
Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US.

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Jerry Seinfeld :I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: No, that's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there.
Jerry Seinfeld : They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry, blackberry.
George Costanza: Blackberry, boysenberry.
Jerry Seinfeld :Boysenberry, huckleberry.
George Costanza: Huckleberry, raspberry.
Jerry Seinfeld :Raspberry, strawberry.
George Costanza: Strawberry, cranberry.
Jerry Seinfeld : [pause] Peach.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Seinfeld :Ah, you're crazy.
Cosmo Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry Seinfeld : It's impossible.
Cosmo Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry Seinfeld :It can't be.
Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry Seinfeld :All right, that's enough.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Well, more bad news Jerry. You know the police they found another victim of the Loper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you.
Jerry Seinfeld :Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me.
Cosmo Kramer: Not as many as there used to be.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Seinfeld :The answering machine is like a relationship barometer.
George Costanza: What IS a barometer?
Cosmo Kramer: It's pronounced thermometer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ronnie: [to George] I've been living a lie.
George Costanza: You've been living a lie? I've been living... like twenty.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
Jerry: Crook eye?
George Costanza: Stink eye?
Cosmo Kramer: EVIL eye.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: What're you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time of year.
Jerry Seinfeld :It's your third day.
Cosmo Kramer: I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later.
[Walks out]
Jerry Seinfeld :[Leaning out the door] Well, call if you're gonna be late.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, can you keep a secret?
Elaine: No sir, I can't.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Hoochie Mama.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Seinfeld :People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Well, we're talking to Elaine Benes, adult film star, on the set of her new movie "Elaine Does the Upper West Side".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: [making a toast] Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank Costanza: [yelling] Serenity now. Serenity now.
George Costanza: What is that?
Frank Costanza: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say: "SERENITY NOW"
George Costanza: Are you supposed to yell it?
Frank Costanza: The man on the tape wasn't specific.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lloyd Braun: You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow.
George Costanza: What do you know? You were in the nut house.
Lloyd Braun: What do you think put me there?
George Costanza: I heard they found a family in your freezer.
Lloyd Braun: Serenity now. Insanity later.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Seinfeld :Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Kramer and Morty are running for Condo President]
Elaine: Who are they running against?
Jerry Seinfeld :Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[George is munching on pretzels from a bag]
Cosmo Kramer: [to George, who is wearing women's glasses] May I have one of those, madame?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: That's a lotta potatoes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Seinfeld : Yada, Yada, Yada.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: You don't think she'd yada yada sex?
Elaine: [raising hand] I've yada yada'ed sex.
George Costanza: Really?
Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada Jerry Seinfeld : But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Seinfeld :Where's Marcy?
George Costanza: She went shopping for some shoes for the wedding, and yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist.
Jerry Seinfeld :I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Seinfeld :You know you're not Chinese.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank Costanza: You have the rooster, the hen, and the chicken. The rooster goes with the chicken... So who's having sex with the hen?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I love the mirror in that bathroom. I don't know what in the hell it is, I look terrific in that mirror. I don't know if its the tile or the lighting... I feel like Robert Wagner in there.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Seinfeld : [George comes out of the doctor's office looking puzzled] So how was it?
George Costanza: I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything: touch this / feel that, 75 bucks.
Jerry Seinfeld : Well, its a first visit.
George Costanza: Well, its 75 bucks. What, am I seeing Sinatra in there? Am I being entertained? I don't understand this.
[long pause]
George Costanza: I'm only paying half.
Jerry Seinfeld : You can't do that.
George Costanza: Why not?
Jerry Seinfeld :He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says.
George Costanza: Oh no, no, no, no, no. I pay what I say.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Seinfeld :I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newman: Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier.
Jerry Seinfeld : I tried my best!
Newman: *Exactly*. You're a disgrace to the uniform.
[Newman rips USPS patch off of coat]
Jerry Seinfeld :You know, this is your coat.
Newman: [looks at torn patch] Damn.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aldon Benes: Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?
George Costanza: [pointing to Jerry] Oh, he's the comedian.
Jerry Seinfeld : I'm just a regular person.
George Costanza: No, no. He's just being modest.
Aldon Benes: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific.
[long pause]
Aldon Benes: There's nothing funny about that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: My father thought George was gay.
Jerry Seinfeld : It must have been the singing.
Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everybody's gay.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry's girlfriend: I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose protégé is a hack.
Jerry Seinfeld :I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose mentor is a Costanza.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: [seeing Elaine's dance at an office party] "Sweet fancy Moses"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Seinfeld :What are you saying?
Elaine: I'm not saying anything.
Jerry Seinfeld : You're saying something.
Elaine: What could I be saying?
Jerry Seinfeld :Well you're not saying nothing so you must me saying something.
Elaine: If I were saying something, I would have said it.
Jerry Seinfeld :So why don't you say it?
Elaine: I said it.
Jerry Seinfeld : What did you say?
Elaine: Nothing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: I don't know if it's possible, but could you people conduct the psychopath convention down the hall?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting.
Jerry: To Latvian Orthodox?
George Costanza: Yeah, why not, what do I care...
Jerry: Ya know, it's not like changing toothpastes.
Elaine: I think it would be romantic.
George Costanza: Really?
Elaine: Yeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.
George Costanza: King Edward.
[snapping fingers]
George Costanza: Like King Edward, Jerry!
Jerry: Yeah well King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I like DeSoto.
Jerry: DeSoto? What did he do?
George Costanza: He discovered Mississippi.
Jerry: Yeah, like they wouldn't have found that anyway.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: Is it possible I'm not attractive as I think I am?
Jerry: Anything's possible.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Kramer has a vanity plate, "Assman", and parks in a reserved hospital zone]
Security guard: Can I help you?
Cosmo Kramer: [points to his license plate] Uh, yeah, Doctor Cosmo Kramer. Proctology.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: You were born in Italy?
Frank Costanza: Yeah, that's why I could never become president. That's also why, from an early age, I never had any interest in politics. I refuse to vote. THEY DON'T WANT ME, I DON'T WANT THEM.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: You're killing independent George.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Kramer, I never thought I'd say this, but that's not a bad idea.
Cosmo Kramer: Giddyup.
Jerry: Now, get out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Well, you got insurance, right?
Jerry: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, why not?
Jerry: Because I spent the money on the Clapco D-29, the state of the art in home security. It does have one design flaw; the door...
[closes door]
Jerry: MUST BE CLOSED.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: George is gettin' upset!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank Costanza: George, festivus is your heritage!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: She's got a little Marissa Tomei thing goin' on.
Jerry: Ah, too bad you've got a little George Costanza thing goin' on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Jerry is in a confessional booth]
Jerry: Father, I've never done this before, so I'm not sure about what I'm supposed to do.
Priest: All right, my son. You can start by telling me your sins.
Jerry: Well, I'm Jewish.
Priest: Well that's no sin,.
Jerry: Oh...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[talking about being on the dating scene]
Estelle Costanza: Well, I'm out there.
George Costanza: No, you're not.
Estelle Costanza: Yes I am.
George Costanza: No, you're not! Because I'm out there, and if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in the universe to electroshock me back into coherence.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Kramer, I can't do that. It's illegal.
Cosmo Kramer: It's not illegal.
Jerry: It's against the law.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, yeah...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Are you sure you want to get married? I mean, it's a big change of life.
Elaine: Jerry, it's 3 a.m. and I'm at a cock fight. What am I clinging to?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Little Jerry is a lean, mean pecking machine.
George Costanza: Celia is up for parole.
Cosmo Kramer: [looks at George] Who?
George Costanza: [looks at Kramer] What?
[both look at Jerry for an explanation]
Jerry: I'm too tired.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[two noisy people behind him in cinema]
Corinne: George maybe we should move away.
George Costanza: That won't be necessary.
[Stands up and turns around to address the noise-makers]
George Costanza: Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie. And if I have to tell you again, I'm gonna take you outside and show you what it's like. Do you understand me? Now, shut your mouths or else I'll shut them for you... and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because, I would LOVE IT!
[Applause]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: So I tell her, 'I think I should leave now'. And she looks at me surprised as if she couldn't understand what had just happened and why I was leaving... The only excuse that I could fathom would be acceptable is to tell her that I am indeed Batman, and I'm sorry I just saw that Bat signal out the window.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, why would I, a Juliard trained dermatologist, recommend that he go to see someone else?
Jerry: Because you're *not* a dermatologist.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: [imitates his girlfriends' bellybutton] Helllllooooo. La, la, la.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[At Tim Whatley's party]
Elaine: This place is like Studio 54, with a menorah.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: That... is one magic loogie.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: I prefer to do my own material.
Cosmo Kramer: That's as good as anything you do.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[George trying to find a parking space]
Elaine: Why don't you park in a garage?
George Costanza: ...Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: It's a Festivus miracle.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Kramer gave blood to Jerry]
Jerry: I can feel his blood in my body, borrowing things from my blood.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Hello, 911? How are ya?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[At the diner]
George Costanza: Are you going to eat that?
[takes a bite]
George Costanza: Hmmm.
Jerry: Oh, my god. Don't you realize what happened? Because you started eating while having sex, you associate food with orgasms.
George Costanza: Are you going to eat that?
Jerry: No. And I hope that's all you're going to do with it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: [walking over to a party at a Chinese restaurant] Excuse me, my friends over there are going to pay me fifty bucks if I take one of your eggrolls.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Boy, you sure do have a lot of friends, how come I never see any of these people?
Cosmo Kramer: They want to know how come they never see you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: You know, just admitting that another man is attractive doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual.
George Costanza: Doesn't help.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Your back hurts because of your wallet. It's huge.
George Costanza: This isn't just my wallet. It's an organizer, a memory and an old friend.
Jerry: Well, your friend is morbidly obese.
George Costanza: Well, at least I don't carry a purse.
Jerry: It's not a purse, it's European.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".
David Puddy: I don't much care for that term.
Jerry: Oh. Sorry, I didn't know...
David Puddy: No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.
Jerry: I saw one once that could do sign language.
David Puddy: Yeah, I saw that one. Uh... Koko.
Jerry: Yeah, Koko.
David Puddy: Right, Koko. That chimp's alright. High-five.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: I'm not wearing the fur coat.
Cosmo Kramer: Come on, Jerry. If you don't do it, Newman and I are out of the building.
Jerry: Hmm...
Cosmo Kramer: Ok, Jerry, just take a good look at what your life would be like without me around.
Jerry: [thinks for a few seconds] Newman too?
Cosmo Kramer: Come on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ronnie: I heard you went down to this woman's office and heckled her.
Jerry: Damn right. It's time we stopped being lapdogs. Who are they to heckle us? It's time one of us drew a line in the sand.
Ronnie: I gotta tell you, everybody's talking about it. You're like Rosa Parks. You've opened a brand new door for all of us. I can't wait for the next time that somebody heckles me.
Jerry: Well, that shouldn't be long...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: I thought you said she stinks.
Jerry: She does stink. And she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route: years of rejections and failures until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[in Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: Why did you have to open your big mouth?
Cosmo Kramer: What?
Jerry: George doesn't need to hear that his girlfriend looks like me. Neither do I, for that matter. First the Sally Weaver thing, now this.
Cosmo Kramer: You're just mad because you're having a bad day.
Jerry: Yes. Because of you.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, in that case I think one of us should leave.
[Kramer and Jerry stare at each other and don't move]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: In high school it was always "Bonjour, le George", "How's it going le George?", "Hey, let's stuff le George in le locker".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: A house in the Hamptons?
George Costanza: Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Kramer walks in with cigars]
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, boys. Here you go. It's celebration time.
George Costanza: Why?
Cosmo Kramer: You remember that coffee table book I wrote?
Jerry: Yeah.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, the company sold the movie rights to it.
George Costanza: How are they going to make that book into a movie?
Cosmo Kramer: You remember that toy ray gun book? "Independence Day".
Jerry: Oh. So, how much are they paying you?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, let's just say that I won't have to work for a long, LONG time.
Jerry: That's funny. Because I haven't seen you work in a long, LONG time.
Cosmo Kramer: I'm officially retired.
Jerry: From what?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: [about Kramer] If you feed him, he'll never leave.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[George peed in a public shower]
George Costanza: It's not good to hold it in. I read that in a medical journal.
Jerry: Did the medical journal mention anything about standing in a pool of somebody else's urine?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: You know, I never expected that movie...
Lisi, Elaine's Friend: To end under water.
Jerry: To be so long. Usually movies like that...
Lisi, Elaine's Friend: Are a lot more violent.
Jerry: Are a lot shorter.
Lisi, Elaine's Friend: I should...
Jerry: Get going.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Jerry's kitchen is full of sausages]
Jerry: What's this? You said you were watching a video.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, an instructional video on how to make your own sausage.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, you want to go down to the Bronx and help me take flyers off George's car?
Cosmo Kramer: [without hesitating] Sure.
Jerry: Could've said just about anything, couldn't I?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Jerry notices an art book on the table]
Jerry: What is THAT book doing on the table?
Elaine: What? What is wrong with this book?
Jerry: That book has been on a wild ride. It's been in the bathroom.
Elaine: ALL RIGHT. Move it. Biohazard coming through.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, up until a few minutes ago, I was convinced I was on the receiving end of the oldest baker's grift in the books - The Enterman's Shim Sham. Until I remembered my security camera, which I installed to catch other Walter using my latrine.
Elaine: But, Mr. Peterman, I...
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, I have a question for you - is the item still with you?
Elaine: I guess so...
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, do you have any idea what happens to a butter-based frosting after sitting 60 years in a poorly ventilated English basement? I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: [to George] You, my friend, have crossed the line between man and bum.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: No, she was completely topless.
George Costanza: How good of a look did you get?
Jerry: What do you mean?
George Costanza: Say she was a criminal and you had to describe her to the police...
Jerry: They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: [lighting up a cigarette, talking to a bar patron] What? Oh, these? I suck 'em down like Coca Cola.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jackie Chiles: You fool. You're having her try the bra on over a leotard. Of course the bra isn't going to fit on a leotard. A bra's got to go up against the skin. Like a glove.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Jerry got his dad a shirt that says "#1 Dad"]
Morty Seinfeld: Jerry, this is the most thoughtful gift you've ever given me.
Jerry: You know, I bought you a Cadillac... Twice.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Knock on door]
Jerry: [opens door, and sees three Cuban guys] Yes?
Cuban Man: Jerry Seinfeld?
Jerry: Yeah. Oh, you must be Kramer's guys. So, you got the cigars?
Cuban Man: What cigars?
Jerry: Kramer told me I was supposed to pick up some Cubans.
Cuban Man: Yes. We are the Cubans.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: [to Elaine] And yet, we've discovered another talent - posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.
Newman: I love broccoli. It's good for you.
Jerry: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?
Newman: Gladly.
[Newman spits it out]
Newman: Vile weed!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away.
Jerry: Walk away?
Cosmo Kramer: You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free.
Jerry: Isn't there a deductible?
Cosmo Kramer: All right, what is your deductible?
Jerry: I don't know.
Cosmo Kramer: Yes, because they've already deducted it.
Jerry: From what?
Cosmo Kramer: The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car.
Jerry: We're not leaving the car.
Cosmo Kramer: All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: I learned something. Letting my emotions out was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure, I'm not funny anymore. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: 1%? They can kiss 1% of my ass.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: A gigolo? Did I drive you to this kind of lifestyle?
George Costanza: Yes, you. You and every woman like you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: So, did they get tired of Koko yet?
George Costanza: Oh yeah.
[holds up a baseball t-shirt that reads "KOKO 00"]
Jerry: Zero zero?
George Costanza: That's ooo. As in ooo-ooo-aaa-aaa.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the last lines of dialogue of the last show are the same as the first lines of dialogue of the pilot]
Jerry: See, now to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George Costanza: Really?
Jerry: Oh, yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no man's land.
George Costanza: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
George Costanza: I think we have.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[George is wearing a toupee]
Elaine: YOU'RE BALD.
George Costanza: Correction. I WAS bald.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[George is planning to name his 1st child "Seven"]
Jerry: Hmmm, "Seven Costanza". Yep, I can see it now: Seven periods of school per day, seven beatings a day, seven stitches per beating, followed by seven years to life.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[a bomb-diffusing robot opens a drawer in George's desk, revealing a Playboy and some candy bars]
George Steinbrenner: So... it's just empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: [about David Puddy] Elaine, you always care when an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know and you don't want it to be someone better than you. While the latter is obviously impossible, the former still applies.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Puddy is wearing a bright orange jacket with an 8 ball on it]
Elaine: What's this? What happened to your fur?
David Puddy: I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check this out. 8 ball. You got a question, you ask the 8 ball.
Elaine: So you're going to wear this all the time?
David Puddy: All signs point to yes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I answered a personals ad from the Daily Worker.
Jerry: The Daily Worker has personals?
George Costanza: And - get this - they said that appearance wasn't important.
Jerry: Yours or hers?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: See? This is why you need a fax machine and a copier.
Jerry: And a deadbolt.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: Where's Kramer?
Jerry: Who knows? It's like asking where's Waldo.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: Only I could fail at failing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[George is buying a wig]
Jerry: Why don't you just get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get this whole thing over with?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newman: I propose... AN ALLIANCE.
Jerry: An alliance?... Deal.
[Jerry and Newman share an evil laugh]
Jerry: [stops laughing abruptly] Now, get the hell out of here.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: What about being a sports commentator? You know how I always make those witty comments during a game?
Jerry: You do make good comments.
George Costanza: So?
Jerry: Well, they generally give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people, you know, in broadcasting.
George Costanza: [pause] Well that's really not fair.
Jerry: I know.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: [talking about his whale expedition] So I reached in... felt around... and pulled out the obstruction.
[pulls out a golf ball]
Cosmo Kramer: Is that a Titleist? Well a hole in one, huh.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank Costanza: My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
Elaine: You got that right.
Frank Costanza: What the hell does that mean?
Elaine: That means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
Frank Costanza: You saying you want a piece of me?
[hits his chest]
Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt.
Frank Costanza: [yelling] You want a piece of me? You got it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: [grabs George's wig] I DON'T LIKE THIS THING. AND HERE'S WHAT I'M DOING WITH IT.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[George wants the nickname "T-Bone"]
George Costanza: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. From now on, I will be known as...
Kruger: Koko the Monkey.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: But I really want to leave my mark this time. Like remember that summer at Dairy Queen when I cooled my feet in the soft serve?
Jerry: So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?
George Costanza: Flame on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Izzy Mandelbaum: Your son's pretty funny, Morty. He oughta be a comedian.
Jerry: Actually, I am a comedian.
Izzy Mandelbaum: That's not funny.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
David Puddy: Feels like an Arby's night.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[George is on his hands and knees, looking for change under a vending machine]
Jerry: [taps machine] I think the candy comes out over there.
George Costanza: People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up.
Jerry: Either that, or they've got a little hang-up about lying face-down in filth.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank Costanza: I'm like the Phoenix, rising from Arizona.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: You're becoming one of the glitterati.
George Costanza: What's that?
Cosmo Kramer: People who glitter.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Well, maybe Kruger wasn't for you.
George Costanza: But they seemed so disorganized...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[George is wearing prescription goggles]
George Costanza: I got to get out of this city.
Jerry: So you're tunnelling to the center of the earth?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: Come on, Jerry, you know how these inter-office politics work.
Jerry: I've never had a job.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Elaine is trying to prove that Jerry always breaks even]
Elaine: Do you have a twenty?
Jerry: What for?
Elaine: Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back.
[Jerry hands Elaine a twenty and she throws it out the window]
Jerry: You know, you could've thrown a PENCIL out the window and see if I got that back...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?
Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes.
Jerry: You can't cast dispersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about him.
George Costanza: All right, Superman's the exception.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marlene: I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
Jerry: You're a cashier.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Why didn't you tell her your code?
George Costanza: I can't give away my code to her.
Jerry: George, you're gonna marry this woman... probably.
George Costanza: No way. The bank clearly says "Don't give away your code to anyone".
Jerry: So, you're taking relationship advice from "Chemical Bank" now?
George Costanza: Why does it always have to be "us"? Why can't there be a little "me"? Is that so selfish?
Jerry: Actually, that's the definition of selfish.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: So your saying UNICEF is a scam?
Cosmo Kramer: It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation . No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[everybody at Kruger is exchanging Christmas gifts]
Kruger: Hey, George. Merry Christmas. Here you go.
[gives George his gift]
George Costanza: Thank you, sir. Here's your gift.
Kruger: [takes envelope] "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund"?... Whatever.
George Costanza: Exactly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Have ya been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? Its a leper colony there.
Elaine: So, basically what you're saying is 95% of the population is undatable?
Jerry: UNDATABLE.
Elaine: So how are all these people gettin' together?
Jerry: Alcohol.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I gotta call Elaine.
Jerry: She's out.
George Costanza: Oh, yeah. The blind date.
Jerry: They call it a setup, now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: I bought a chicken.
George Costanza: [to Jerry] Allow me.
[to Kramer]
George Costanza: Why?
Cosmo Kramer: Cage-free farm-fresh eggs.
Jerry: [to George] Allow me.
[to Kramer]
Jerry: What are you, an idiot?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[George's new self-appointed nickname is T-Bone]
Jerry: Why not "G-Bone"?
George Costanza: There's no G-Bone.
Jerry: There's a g-spot.
George Costanza: HEY. That's a myth.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: Jerry, it's B.O.
Jerry: But the whole car smells.
Elaine: So?
Jerry: So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: I'll tell ya, if I could do it over, I would give it all up to be a fireman.
Jerry: Yeah, civil servants who risk their lives really have it made.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: So I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy before.
Jerry: Why not? You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...
George Costanza: Yes, yes, yes...
Jerry: The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...
George Costanza: OK, the point is made.
Jerry: The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen...
[George leaves]
Jerry: The bad tipper.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Kramer covers himself in butter]
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, I'm fried.
Jerry: Technically, you're sautéed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[George is thinking of starting his own charity]
George Costanza: This could be my chance to give something back.
Jerry: You want to give something back, start with the $20,000.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[talking about his love of the word "manure"]
George Costanza: When you consider the other choices, "manure" is actually pretty refreshing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: You know, I don't get it. Since when are you not allowed to ask a Chinese man where a Chinese restaurant is? I mean, aren't we getting a little too sensitive here? If someone asks me, "which direction is Israel," I don't go flying off the handle.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: So you're upset that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to brainwash you.
George Costanza: They could've at least tried...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seeing a prostitute.
George Costanza: How much are you paying this maid?
Jerry: $40.
George Costanza: $40? I pay my maid $60, she doesn't do my laundry, and I'm gettin' nothing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: Who buys an umbrella anyway? You can get them for free at the coffee shop in those metal cans.
Jerry: Those belong to people.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: [to Elaine] See... I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up and you're down. See how it all evens out for me?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: You could always move in with my parents.
Elaine: Was that the OPPOSITE of what you were going to say? Or was that your instinct?
George Costanza: Instinct.
Elaine: Stick with the opposite.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: So, did you get your new plates?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.
George Costanza: What do they say?
Cosmo Kramer: Assman.
Jerry: Assman?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
Jerry: Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?
George Costanza: Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
Jerry: It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
Jerry: Yeah. Proctologist.
George Costanza: Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.
Cosmo Kramer: Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: [Elaine's is in pain from her neck] Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow.
Jerry: Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it.
Elaine: Ach, maybe.
Jerry: Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it.
Elaine: I don't know
Jerry: Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned it...
Elaine: [patience exhausted] You know what, why don't you just shut the hell up?
Jerry: Awright.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Susan Biddle Ross: [Susan and George are having dinner with Carrie and Ken, Susan's cousin. Carrie is heavily pregnant] So, have you picked out a name yet?
Carrie: Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley.
Susan Biddle Ross: Aww.
George Costanza: [negatively] Hu-ho, boy.
Ken: You don't like Kimberley?
George Costanza: Ech. What else you got?
Ken: How about Joan?
George Costanza: Aw c'mon, I'm eating here.
Susan Biddle Ross: George!
Carrie: Pamela?
George Costanza: Pamela? Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.
Ken: What?
George Costanza: Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.
Carrie: I don't know, it sounds a little strange.
George Costanza: All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, are you telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?
Ken: Yeah, but uh... Soda?
George Costanza: Yeah, that's right. It's working.
Carrie: We'll put it on the list.
George Costanza: I solve problems. That's just what I do.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: [George plans to name his first child "Seven"] Awright, let's see. How about Mug? Mug Costanza, that's original. Or uh, Ketchup? Pretty name for a girl.
George Costanza: Alright, you having a good time there?
Jerry: [Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard] I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.
George Costanza: Awright already! This is a very key issue with me, Jerry. I had this name for a long time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Just tell him you don't want to do the bootleg. I'm sure he'll understand.
Jerry: People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: And to think I'd fail at failing...
Jerry: Aw, come on, now.
George Costanza: I feel like I cant do anything wrong.
Jerry: Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
George Costanza: You think so?
Jerry: Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.
George Costanza: Well, I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again.
Jerry: That's the spirit. You suck.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: It's Jerry. Who's this?
Valerie: It's Valerie.
Jerry: Oh hi, Valerie. What's up?
Valerie: I'll tell you what's up - my stepmother is violently ill. So I hit the number for poison control and I get you.
Jerry: Wow, poison control? That's even higher than Number One. Hello?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Kramer wants to watch a video in Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: Why don't you watch it at your place?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm taping Canadian parliament on C-SPAN.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: You wouldn't it broccoli even if it was deep fried in chocolate.
Newman: What? I love broccoli.
Jerry: Oh yeah? Taste.
[Newman tastes the broccoli and spits it up]
Newman: Vile weed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: You got the job?
George Costanza: Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there, th-they're treating me so great. You know, they think I'm handicapped. They gave me this incredible office, a great view.
Jerry: Ho-Hold on, they think you're handicapped?
George Costanza: Yeah, yeah. Yeah well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me.
Jerry: Ho-How can you do this?
George Costanza: Look, Jerry let's face it. I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, well I'll tell ya, she's a full figured gal.
Jerry: Is she?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh you better believe it buddy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced, and now my Nana's missing.
Cosmo Kramer: Well don't look at me.
Jerry: It's your fault.
Cosmo Kramer: My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newman: You see, certified mail is always registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified.
Newman's Girlfriend: I could listen to you talk all day about mail.
Newman: I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: they're meaningless.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Kramer wants to use George's car to rescue a "pig-man" from the hospital]
Cosmo Kramer: You got room for the pig-man?
George Costanza: The pig-man can take the bus.
Cosmo Kramer: You know, if the pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride.
George Costanza: How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?
Cosmo Kramer: Come on George, be realistic.
[scoffs]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Well, our rickshaw is gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he bolted.
Jerry: Well, you know, 80% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first six months.
Cosmo Kramer: [to Newman] We should've got some collateral from him. Like his bag of cans, or his... other bag of cans.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girlfriend: You're insane.
Jerry: Oh yes, quite.
[Kramer enters]
Jerry: Of course, it's a sliding scale.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: I bruised my lip. I was drinking a cel ray, brought it up too fast, and I accidentally knocked your toothbrush into the toilet, and I was unable to tell you before you could use it.
Jenna: When were you going to tell me this?
Jerry: Obviously never.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: [toasting] Here's to feeling good all the time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I've discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex... *fugitive sex*. Now, it's like every time
[Jerry interrupts]
Jerry: George, this is a little too much for me. Escaped convicts, fugitive sex... I've got a cockfight to focus on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Well, I've got gonorrhea.
Elaine: That seems about right.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newman: [to rickshaw pullers] Ok, bring it down to the end of the block, make a controlled turn and bring it back, let's see what you got, go.
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, where's he going?
Newman: I think he's stealing our rickshaw.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh then he's out.
Homeless Man: I'll take the job.
[pause]
Homeless Man: Potato salad!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Patty wants me to be more emotional and express my feelings.
George Costanza: What do you care what she thinks?
Jerry: Good body.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
David Puddy: [to Elaine] I'll be back. We'll make out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: Well, I'm going to hell.
Jerry: That seems about right.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Sarah Sitarides: Wow, restaurant. Flowers...
Jerry: Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life-saving business?
Dr. Sarah Sitarides: It's fine.
Jerry: Well, it must take a really big zit to kill a man.
Dr. Sarah Sitarides: What is with you?
Jerry: You say you're a dermatologist? Well, I call you Pimple Popper, MD.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Elaine is trying to put a store out of business]
Elaine: Hey, Kramer, do you still have that pricing gun?
[to Jerry]
Elaine: That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over 99 cents.
Jerry: Still a ripoff.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Jerry is checking out an upper-class apartment]
Sales Woman: Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should let you know that we've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist.
Jerry: Not Pennypacker.
Sales Woman: You know him?
Jerry: I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Ross: I don't think there's any greater tragedy than when parents outlive their children.
George Costanza: Yes, I hope my parents die long before I do.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[at a New York Marathon party]
Jerry: [discussing the possibility of Elaine moving into Jerry's building] You have no idea what an idiot I am. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it.
[Points to himself]
Jerry: This is an idiot.
George Costanza: Is that right?
[showing him up]
George Costanza: I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
Roxanne: [yelling out the window] You're all winners!
George Costanza: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[George is talking about himself in the third person]
George Costanza: I think it's time for George's lunch.
George Steinbrenner: Yes, it is. Let's see what I got today. Ham and cheese again. And she forgot the fancy mustard. I love that fancy mustard. You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe and it would taste pretty good to me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[George is buying invitations]
Sales Clerk: Have you been in here before?
George Costanza: About a year ago. Wedding invitations.
Sales Clerk: How did that work out?
George Costanza: No complaints.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: George, I am loving this no wallet thing.
George Costanza: A man carries a wallet.
Jerry: You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm on to something.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: [to Newman] I'll do it. For whatever it takes, for as long as it takes me, as long as it takes you away from me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Elaine changes the presets on Puddy's car]
George Costanza: So did you give that radio the ol' switcheroo?
Elaine: I did.
Jerry: And the Christian rock?
Elaine: Resurrected.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girlfriend: Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.
Jerry: You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story?
Girlfriend: Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it while I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit.
Jerry: All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night, everybody.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morty Seinfeld: We just came for the funeral.
Helen Seinfeld: Poor Marvin Kessler. He went too early.
Jerry: He was 96 years old.
Morty Seinfeld: And that had nothing to do with it. The man was out of shape.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: So how's the fornicating gourmet?
George Costanza: Doing quite well. Yesterday for lunch, I had a soft-boiled egg and a quickie. Now, if I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate.
Jerry: George, we're trying to have a civilization here.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: I think that's what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
George Costanza: What is a gander, anyway?
Jerry: It's a goose that's had the ol' switcheroo pulled on it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Kramer's face is haggard from smoking]
Jerry: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, emphazema, birth defects, cancer... but not this! Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure... my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.
Jerry: And your teeth... they're all brown.
Cosmo Kramer: Look away. I'm hideous.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: You know, they botched my vasectomy?
Jerry: They botched it?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm even more potent now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: You're giving up that easily?
Newman: I usually do.
Jerry: Newman, you cant let the dream die. You moving away is my dream too.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: You with these too?
George Costanza: I just cut a deal with Jimmy. We're going to import a case of them together. And Jimmy's got a proven sales method - he jumps.
Jerry: Jimmy's got a backer. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmy and George are going to get rich.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Jerry cries for the first time]
Jerry: What is this salty discharge?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: I'm at the corner of 1st and 1st... How can the same street intersect with itself? It must be at the nexus of the universe.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: I hear that all the time.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: That I'm gay. People think I'm gay.
Elaine: People ask me that about you all the time.
Jerry: Yeah, because I'm thin, I'm single, and I'm neat.
George Costanza: Guess that leaves me in the clear...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: Maybe if he could see me with some of my black friends...
Jerry: That would be great except that you don't really have any black friends.
[pauses]
Jerry: Outside of us, you don't really have any white friends, either...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: And what is his stand on abortion?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: What is his stand... on abortion?
Elaine: Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.
Jerry: How do you know?
Elaine: Because he... Well... He's just so good-looking.
Jerry: Well, you should probably ask. Because if he's gonna be coming over with those Pokeno's Pizzas... could be trouble.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: And as punishment, I should get to sleep with Elaine.
Jerry: That's not punishing me, that's punishing Elaine. And cruelly, I might add...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: [about to go watch an operation] Let's watch them slice this fat bastard up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Jerry nearly drowns the pool guy]
Elaine: How can you show your face around there?
Jerry: Oh, I cant. They revoked my membership. Newman's, too. We cant go anywhere near there.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Elaine's boyfriend is poor]
George Costanza: Who is this, Blue Arrow?
Elaine: No, the Green Lantern.
Jerry: His superpower is lack of money.
Elaine: All right.
Jerry: He's invulnerable to creditors.
Elaine: We get it.
Jerry: He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[George collides with an Andrea Doria survivor]
Cosmo Kramer: The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm 20 miles off the cost of Nantucket.
George Costanza: How do you know?
Cosmo Kramer: It's in my book, "Astonishing Tales Of The Sea". 51 people died.
George Costanza: 51 people? I thought it was more like 1000.
Cosmo Kramer: There were 1,560 survivors.
George Costanza: That's no tragedy. How many people do you lose on a normal cruise? 30?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I got to go home and take a nap.
Jerry: It's 10:30 in the morning.
George Costanza: I'll tell you, I am wiped.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Why are you buttering your face?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm shaving with it.
Jerry: Oh Moses, smell the roses.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Kramer starts the Peterman Reality Tour]
George Costanza: I think I understand this. Jay Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real.
Cosmo Kramer: Talk to me.
George Costanza: But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman which is you.
Cosmo Kramer: Understand?
Jerry: Yeah. $37.50 for a Three Musketeers.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?
Jerry: I could ballpark...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Kramer has an intern]
Intern: Mr. Newman on line 2...
Jerry: Line 2?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, your phone is line 1.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: See, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around chewing gum.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[George and Kramer are going to test Kramer's bladder system]
George Costanza: Did you get the video camera?
Jerry: Yeah, I got a three hour tape. That should be enough to cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial.
Cosmo Kramer: You let out one emotion, and all the rest will follow. Just like Andora's box.
Jerry: That was the mother on "Bewitched." I think you mean "Pandora."
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, well, she had one too.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place?
Jerry: I'd say when the nipple makes its first appearance.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: And I got a job interview. It's in sports.
Jerry: Mets? Rangers?
George Costanza: Playground equipment.
Jerry: Welcome back to the show.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I ate that entire platter. Had to call in sick today.
Jerry: Didn't you call in sick yesterday?
George Costanza: Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing, we don't care... and it shows.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: [about Newman] He lives down the street from my home. MY HOME, ELAINE. Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine Benes: Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye.
Jerry: No, there's less.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Oh right, the new job. How is it?
George Costanza: I love it. New office, new salary, I'm the new Wilhelm.
Jerry: So who's the new you?
George Costanza: We got an intern from Francis-Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kruger: The head has been smoothed down to the size of a golf ball. What do we do?
George Costanza: Well, we could smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the name to Icabod Crane.
[everyone begins laughing]
George Costanza: Alright, that's it for me, you've been great! Good night, everybody.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: Why does everything have to be so... jokey with you?
Jerry: I'm a comedian.

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Jerry: Who knows where she gets any of those losers...
George Costanza: You're on that list.

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Elaine: I got shooshed during Desperado.
Jerry: Desperado? And you're still dating him? I'll tell you who sounds a little desperado...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[about Festivus]
Cosmo Kramer: What do you use for decoration?
Frank Costanza: An aluminum pole. I find tinsel distracting.

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[Jerry's girlfriend has a huge toy collection]
Jerry: WOW. An original G.I. Joe. With a full Frogman suit...
Girlfriend: Jerry, what are you doing?
Jerry: I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink.

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George Costanza: We think it was Saddam Hussein, but he had a British accent, so we're not sure.

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George Costanza: I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.
Jerry: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.

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[explaining why Elaine won't be accompanying him to Africa]
Mr. Peterman: I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium.
Elaine: [astonished] Opium?
Mr. Peterman: That's right. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.

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George Costanza: Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face.

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George Costanza: I did happen to pick up one little nugget of entertainment. Have you ever seen Elaine dance?
Jerry: Elaine danced?
George Costanza: More like a full-bodied dry heave set to music.

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[Kramer is playing opera music on Jerry's stereo]
Jerry: What the hell is that crap?
Cosmo Kramer: It's Pagliacci, Jerry.

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[Jerry's on the phone with the cops]
Jerry: But officer, he threatened me. That's not right. What if I was the President of the United States? I'm sure you'd investigate. Well, I'm a comedian in the United States. And believe me, I'm under just as much pressure. All right, thanks anyway. OK, bye.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: They gave me my own personal Rascal, Jerry.
Jerry: Well, it's comforting to know that you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles per hour.

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Cosmo Kramer: Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag.
[cut to a taxi]
David Puddy: Well, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. A fifty kroner? How much is that?
Elaine: We have to break up.
David Puddy: What?
Elaine: Look, I don't care how interesting the change is. And if you tell me what the time is in New York again,
[shouts]
Elaine: YOU ARE GOING HOME IN A BODY BAG.

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[about Elaine dating Puddy]
Cosmo Kramer: She's dating him again?
Jerry: She's batted around and she's back at the top of the order.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank Costanza: I am not allowing my wife to date a bra salesman.
Estelle Costanza: Hey, he only sells them, he doesn't wear them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Tim Whatley converted to Judaism]
Jerry: Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke immunity. He's already got the two major religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Elaine comes in wearing Mayan clothes]
Jerry: Hola.
Elaine: Shove it.
Jerry: What's with the get up?
Elaine: I bought it all at Cinco De Mayo. I wanted to show Putumayo how much business they've lost so I've been strutting and dancing in front of their store all day.
Jerry: No wonder we've been getting so much rain.

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[after a long discussion about Pez]
George Costanza: What's a three-letter word for "candy"?
Jerry: I can't do those things.

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Jerry: Don't you see? He's Jewish for two days and he's already making Jewish jokes.
Elaine: Well, everybody gets drunk the first day they turn 21.
Jerry: Elaine, booze isn't a religion.
Elaine: Tell that to my father...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after Kramer tells everyone he is dating a lesbian]
Jerry: She has never been with a man in her entire life.
Cosmo Kramer: ...I'm Kramer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, I know myself. And if I'm on the streets, and it starts to go down, I don't back off, until its finished.

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George Costanza: Here's the outlet.
Slippery Pete: The what?
George Costanza: The outlet. Where the electricity comes from.
Slippery Pete: Oh, you mean the holes.

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George Costanza: You've got to apologize.
Jerry: Why?
George Costanza: Because its the mature and adult thing to do.
Jerry: How does that affect me?

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Cosmo Kramer: You ever dream in 3-D? It's like the Boogie Man is coming RIGHT AT YOU.

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[Jerry is dating a gymnast]
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, you stand on the threshold of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.
Jerry: Boy, you can really talk some trash.
[to George]
Jerry: I guess that's better than eating it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Man, you were pretty loaded on that Schnapps last night.
Elaine: I know. I woke up with this.
[points to her newly-pierced nose]
Jerry: Oh. Hello tetanus.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: David and I will not get back together.
Jerry: Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: All my life, I've wanted to make a great entrance.
Jerry: You've made some fine exits.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[George's parents are getting a divorce]
Jerry: It's too bad his parents didn't do that a long time ago. He could have been normal.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: A beautiful, successful, intelligent woman is in love with me and I throw it all away. Now I will spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment, watching basketball games, eating Chinese takeout, walking around with no underwear because I'm too lazy to do the laundry.
Jerry: You walk around with no underwear.
George Costanza: Ya, what do you do when you run out of laundry?
Jerry: I do a wash.

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George Costanza: Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill?

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Jerry: Is that your "chicken" making all that noise?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, Little Jerry loves the morning.
Jerry: Who?
Cosmo Kramer: Little Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah I named my chicken after you.
Jerry: Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not a chicken.
Cosmo Kramer: Of course it is. I picked it out myself.
Jerry: Well, you picked out a rooster.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production.

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[George is eating all the shrimp]
Riley: Hey George, the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp.
George Costanza: Yeah, well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you.
Riley: What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller.
George Costanza: Yeah well... I had sex with your wife.
Board member: His wife is in a coma.

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Cosmo Kramer: I was returning some pants. I took a short cut in a subway tunnel and fell in some mud, ruining my pants. The very pants I was returning.
Elaine: I don't understand - you were wearing the pants you were returning?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, I guess I was.
Elaine: What were you going to wear home?
Cosmo Kramer: Elaine, are you listening? I never even got there.

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Cosmo Kramer: Mmm... boy, that Hennigan's goes down smooth. And afterwards you don't even smell. That's right folks. I've just had three shots of Hennigan's and I don't even smell. Imagine: you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigan's: no smell, no tell, Scotch

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Elaine's boyfriend as seen a photo of her with her nipple exposed]
Elaine: Let me tell you, I didn't intentionally bare myself, but now, I wish I had. For it's not me who has been exposed, but you. For I have seen the nipple on your soul.

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[Kramer is putting butter on his face]
Jerry: What the hell are you doing?
Cosmo Kramer: I ran out of butter, so I had to use yours. Any other questions, Mr. Nosy?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well, throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret.

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Katya: In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian." You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Stand-up on birthdays]
Jerry: All you did was not die for twelve months!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Elaine tries to convince Joel Rifkin to change his name]
Elaine: [mocking] Oh, Stuart's a lot better! "Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I don't even like to use urinals, I've always been a stall man.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[pretending they haven't seen each other in years]
George Costanza: So, what've you been doing with yourself?
Jerry: I'm a comedian.
George Costanza: Yeah, well... I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. What do you do, a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' kind of stuff? It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah...
[long pause]
Jerry: Boy, you really went bald there, didn't you?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[repeated line]
Jerry: That's a shame.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Elaine, he's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[about George's Gortex coat]
Cosmo Kramer: You'd better be careful with that coat... You'll start a war!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: It's the pinky toe, what do we need it for?
Jerry: But Elaine, it's the one that goes wee wee wee all the way home!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I'm here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest - something's gotta give!

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Enzo: How'd you like to have free haircut for six months?
Newman: What's the catch?
Enzo: You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.
Newman: Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a *year's* free haircuts... and a comb!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: Well, you know, I... I have watched Peterman run the company.
Cosmo Kramer: Sure you have.
Elaine: I know how to do it. Pair of pants, a stupid story, a huge markup. I can do that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: It didn't do me any good either! That benefit was the worst show I ever did. Some of those heckles were really uncalled for: "Avast ye matey" - what the hell does that mean? "20 degrees off the starboard side - the Spanish Galleon!" -there's no comeback for that!
Tony: I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tire pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?
Jerry: The washer fluid is fine...
Tony: The washer fluid is not fine!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Is this oak?
Mr. Lager: Think it's pine.
Cosmo Kramer: Pine is good.
Mr. Lager: Yeah, pine's okay.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Lager: Well , we've discussed this, here's the feeling: You got a greeting, starts with an H, how's twenty bucks sound?
Cosmo Kramer: I'll take it.
Mr. Lager: Awright, sir

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me: I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What, you mean like laundry?
Jerry: No. Like when you're in a pool... afterwards...
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frigthened turtle.
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George Costanza: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: [upset] Now because of that stupid rye bread I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life!
Jerry: [quietly, sipping coffee] Bad situation...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Keith Hernandez!
Newman: Keith Hernandez! I despise that man!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: But are you still master of your domain?
George Costanza: I'm king of the county. You?
Jerry: I'm lord of the manor.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Congradulations!
Some woman: What for?
Cosmo Kramer: You're pregnant... You're not pregnant?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.
George Costanza: He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal... everything! But when the check comes, where are they?
Elaine: What does that mean?
George Costanza: Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Susan Biddle Ross: I don't see why you can't just use a condom.
George Costanza: Uh uh, no. Condoms are for single men. The day we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever.
Susan Biddle Ross: Why?
George Costanza: I can never get the package open in time. It's like "Beat the Clock."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: So you really think Morgan thinks I have a racial bias? This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island.
Jerry: Maybe.
George Costanza: This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Trouble!
Elaine: What?
Jerry: George.
Elaine: Is it?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Damn!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Elaine, George and Jerry are going to see Plan 9 from Outer Space]
Jerry: Elaine, you don't understand! This isn't plans 1 through 8. This is Plan 9. This is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: You know, it's so nice when it happens good.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Remember my idea about rickshaws in New York? Well we're gonna make it happen.
Jerry: No your not.
Cosmo Kramer: Well Newman knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office.
Jerry: No he doesn't.
Newman: He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss.
Jerry: Yes it can.

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George Costanza: Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult?
Elaine: Oh, come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy
Jerry: Why, because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys?
Elaine: Listen to me you, little shi...
George Costanza: Smile!
[And takes a picture of them]

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[as a bomb-defusing robot approaches a Godzilla model on George Costanza's desk]
George Steinbrenner: Wait... What's that thing straight ahead? Is that anything? Is that Mothra?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: [in a gym with old equipment] Is this a gym or a fitness museum?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: The road less taken is less taken for a reason.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: Married women don't "get together". They have affairs.
George Costanza: Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't cost me any money.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: [while waiting in a restaurant, Elaine refuses a bet of $50 to walk over to a table full of strangers and start eating an egg roll] For fifty bucks I'd put my face in their soup and blow.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Leo: Jerry... H E L L O

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Milosh: Another point for Milosh!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Izzy Mandelbaum, Izzy Mandelbaum Jr.: [Mandelbaum's family yelling at the same time in their bed hospitals] Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[about George Steinbrenner]
George Costanza: He fires people like it's a bodily function!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: Why are you home? You're supposed to be out on your route, and getting my calzones for Steinbrenner.
Newman: Well, I saw that it's raining outside, so I called in sick. I don't work in the rain.
George Costanza: But... you're a mailman! 'Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow... ' It's the first one!
Newman: I've never been much for credos.
George Costanza: But I'm paying you!
Newman: Hey, thanks!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: The sex is unbelieveable. I was like an animal, just completely uninhibitted.
George Costanza: Like going to the bathroom in front of a whole bunch of people and not caring.
Jerry: [short pause] It's not like that at all!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: There is no bigger loser than me!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: You'll be the world's first pirate!
Jerry: But I don't wanna be a pirate!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: George Costanza... Is getting *married*!
Elaine: Get out!
[shoves Jerry]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: She calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk."
Jerry: Uh, the four worst words in the English language.
George Costanza: That, or "Who's bra is this?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen The Omen right? What exactly was that kid?
Cosmo Kramer: Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: [after seeing an employee remove a "Vincent" picks sign from the movie store] What are you doing?
Video store employee: Vincent stopped making picks.
Elaine: Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see?
Video store employee: We have a wide variety of Gene Picks.
Elaine: Gene's trash.
Video store employee: I'm Gene.
Elaine: [embarassed] Hi.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: [being attacked by a man throwing golf clubs while talking to Jerry and Elaine on a cell phone] I think he's done guys.
[looks ahead at the driver infront of him]
Cosmo Kramer: No he's not! He's throwing the WOODS!

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Telemarketer: Hi. Would you be interested in switching over to TMI Long Distance service?
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
Telemarketer: Uh, sorry, we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Telemarketer: No.
Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.
[hangs up]

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Annoying Woman In Movie Theatre: So I got home... and he was vacumming! I mean, he's twelve years old! Who else, but my Allan, would do something like that? And then last night he put on my high heels. He put on such a show for us, he was dancing around, lip-synching to A Chorus Line. I mean, you can see, he's got talent.
Elaine: Excuse me... excuse me.
Annoying Woman In Movie Theatre: What's the problem?
Elaine: ...you're talking.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jackie Chiles: [speaking at a rapid clip, about one sentence per second] You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sidra: Oh, by the way - they're real, and they're spectacular.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled till New Year's!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, those aren't for New Year's. Those are my everyday balloons.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Kramer is modeling for a bachelor auction]
Elaine: Okay, our next bachelor is Cosmo Kramer. He's... a high school graduate.
Cosmo Kramer: Equivalency.
Elaine: Equivalency. High school equivalency program graduate. He's, uh... I don't know, six foot three, one hundred ninety pounds. He likes... fruit, and he just got, um... a haircut.
[Kramer slips off the runway and falls onto a table below]
Elaine: Do I hear... five bucks?

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Jerry: [Kramer enters] Hey, Jughead.
Cosmo Kramer: Hi, Archie.
[to Elaine]
Cosmo Kramer: Veronica.
[to George]
Cosmo Kramer: Mr. Weatherbee.

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George Costanza: I have to have my tonsils taken out.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, man! No! George, we gotta get you out of here. Get out right now. They'll kill you.
Jerry: It's routine surgery.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, yeah? My friend Bob Sacamano, he came in here for a hernia operation. Oh, yeah, routine surgery. Now he's sitting in a chair by a window going
[high-pitched voice]
Cosmo Kramer: "My name is Bob!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: [Kramer just had a seizure] What happened?
Elaine: Wait, wait, Kramer, the last time you hit your head - was Mary Hart on TV?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: That's it! That is it! Mary Hart's voice is making you have seizures!

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Newman: [Newman is sneaking through Jerry's apartment trying to cheat at Kramer's and his "Risk" game when he knocks over some of Jerry's cassette tapes] Damn!
Cosmo Kramer: It's Newman! Quick open the door!
Jerry: [when Newman escapes from the window and up the stairs to his apartment] I see ya Newman, I see ya!
Cosmo Kramer: I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: [about to get a rabies shot] Will this hurt?
Doctor: Yes, very much.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Babu Bhatt: You very bad man, Jerry. Very bad man.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: [Kramer is describing George's hands] Smooth... Creamy... Delicate, yet... Masculine...!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: Don't get worked up, because you're going to know the whole story the minute she walks off the plane.
Jerry: Really, how?
George Costanza: Because it's all in the greeting. If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.
Jerry: Right.
George Costanza: Anything in the lip area is good.
Jerry: Lip area, yeah.
George Costanza: A hug, definitely good.
Jerry: Hug is good. Although what if its one of those hugs, where the shoulders are touching, and the hips are 8 feet apart.
George Costanza: Those are brutal.
Jerry: You know how they do that.
George Costanza: Also, you know a shake is bad.
Jerry: Right a shake is bad. But what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes.
George Costanza: The hand sandwich.
Jerry: Right.
George Costanza: Well, that is open to interpretation because so much depends on the layering, and the quality of the wetness in the eyes.
George Costanza: The surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn't in the manual.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newman: Ah, look, I? I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woman: I started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand.
Elaine: It's ironic.
Woman: What's ironic?
Elaine: This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know, we've lost the little things, the niceties.
Woman: No, I mean what does "ironic" mean?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: [talking about Eldridge's ordeal on the Andrea Doria] Even if he did suffer, that was 40 years ago. What has he done for me lately? I have been suffering for the last 30 years, up to and including yesterday!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I don't know what it is about that mirror in that bathroom. I love the way I look in it... I feel like Robert Wagner.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Elaine re-enters a movie theater]
[whispering]
Elaine: What happened to my seat? Oh, God, where was I?
Man in Theater: [whispering] Hey, sit down, I can't see.
Woman in Theater: [whispering] Get out of the way.
Elaine: [whispering] I can't find my seat.
Woman in Theater: [whispering] Just move!
Elaine: No, *you* move!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank Costanza: You have the chicken, the hen, and the rooster. The chicken goes with the hen... So who is having sex with the rooster?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I don't even like Drake.
Jerry: You don't like The Drake?
George Costanza: I hate The Drake.
Elaine: I loooooove The Drake!
Jerry: How could you not like The Drake?
George Costanza: Who's The Drake?
Elaine: Who's The Drake!
Jerry: The Drake is good.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: Someday, before I die, mark my words... I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.
Jerry: And if you do?
George Costanza: Well, I still won't be able to forgive myself, but at least it won't be about this.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I don't like when a woman says, "Make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.
Jerry: Really?
George Costanza: That's a lot of pressure. "Make love to me." What am I, in a circus?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I'm 33 years old; I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately, to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I never had a normal... medium orgasm.
Jerry: I never had a really good pickle.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: This woman's completely ignoring me.
Cosmo Kramer: Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship. A spinster... Maybe a virgin. Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She's a schoolgirl, there was a boy, it didn't work out. So now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. Needs a little Kramer.
Jerry: Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[George has talked his girlfriend Audrey into getting a nose job]
George Costanza: I'm goin' straight to hell, there's no two ways about it.
Jerry: It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into some bad dudes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, you can't leave
J. Peterman: I've already left, Elaine. I'm in Burma.
Elaine: Burma?
J. Peterman: You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Human, it's human to be moved by a fragrance.
Pam: That is so true.
Cosmo Kramer: Her bouquet cleaved his hardened...
Newman: [whispering] ... shell.
Cosmo Kramer: Shell, and fondled his muscled heart. He imbibed her glistening spell, just before the other shoe fell.
Pam: Kramer, that is so lovely.
Cosmo Kramer: It's by an unknown 20th century poet.
Pam: Oh? What's his name?
Cosmo Kramer: Newman.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: The cat - mmrrrooowwwrr - is out of the bag!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: [open's Jerry's door] Hey, come on! I thought we were gonna take a steam!
Jerry: [who, with George, is thought to be gay] No, no!
George Costanza: No! No!
Jerry: No steam!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, I don't want to sit there all naked by myself!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dean Jones: Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?
Cosmo Kramer: It may seem glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica.
Dean Jones: As far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is nothing more than a solitary man with a messy apartment that may or may not contain a chicken!
Cosmo Kramer: And with Darrin's help, we'll get that chicken!
Dean Jones: I'm sorry; there's just no way we can allow Darrin to stay with you.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, this decision seems capricious and arbitrary.
Dean Jones: Your fly's open.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: [referring to the mystery of his damaged briefcase] This thing is like an onion: the more layers you peel, the more it stinks!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: [about Newman] Maybe he's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.
Jerry: Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a twinkie.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Kramer is watching Jeopardy! and getting every question right]
Cosmo Kramer: Who is Joseph Cotton! Giddy-up!
Cosmo Kramer: What is pie! Oooh! Giddy-up again!
Cosmo Kramer: What is the Cha-Cha! Yes, indeed!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[driving in heavy traffic]
Cosmo Kramer: Well, go around, you buncha crazies! You maniacs are gonna get us all killed!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: Jerry, Brett said you ran away from him as if he were the Boogedyman!
Jerry: Boogeyman.
Elaine: Boogey?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: I stopped having sex three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese.
Jerry: You see what's happening here? Your lack of sex is having the opposite effect on you that it is on George.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: You're stupid, dumb!
Elaine: I don't understand.
Jerry: Exactly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I was raised to say 'God bless you.'
Jerry: [sneezes]
George Costanza: Ah, shut up!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: I flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.
Jerry: Yeah. That's what you did.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer: Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine: Okay, what's your answer to number 74?
Ben: Uh, metabolic acidosis.
Elaine: No! Hypokalemia! Not metabolic acidosis! Duh!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jackie Chiles: This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!
Jerry: What does that even mean?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry: [as Kramer is miming emotions] Well, what does this mean?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing George's man-love towards She-Jerry.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: [singing to himself to tune of "Everybody's Talkin'" from Midnight Cowboy] Everybody's talkin' at me, I can't hear a word they're sayin'... Just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George Costanza: You're gonna over-dry your laundry.
Jerry: You can't over-dry.
George Costanza: Why not?
Jerry: Same reason you can't over-wet. You see, when something's wet, it's wet. Same thing with death. Like, once you die, you're dead. Let's say you drop dead and i shoot you. You're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't over-die, you can't over-dry.
George Costanza: Any questions?

(courtesy of the imdb.com)

Fight Club quotes | Big Tourist

2009-04-18T07:45:00.000-07:00

I will never get enough of this club. Never.

If you are a late bloomer and you haven't scoured the web yet for the ingeniously wicked and cleverly sick yet sensible quotes that Fight Club boasts, then read on.

You might find yourself quoting Tyler Durden, Marla Singer, Jack or even Robert Paulson at some point in your life.

(And probably you will get a hint of why the title of this blog is BIG TOURIST.)

Fight Club quotes (some parts courtesy of imdb.com) -

Tyler Durden: F*ck off with your sofa units and stripe green patterns, I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let... lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may.

Tyler Durden: Hey, you created me. I didn't create some loser alter-ego to make myself feel better. Take some responsibility!

Tyler Durden: F*ck damnation, man! F*ck redemption! We are God's unwanted children? So be it!

Robert 'Bob' Paulson: Go ahead, Cornelius, you can cry.

Tyler Durden: It's getting exciting now, two and one-half. Think of everything we've accomplished, man. Out these windows, we will view the collapse of financial history. One step closer to economic equilibrium.

Narrator: I am Jack's smirking revenge.

Tyler Durden: Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war.. our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.

Tyler Durden: You know why they put oxygen masks on planes?
Narrator: So you can breath.
Tyler Durden: Oxygen gets you high. In a catastrophic emergency, you're taking giant panicked breaths. Suddenly you become euphoric, docile. You accept your fate. It's all right here. Emergency water landing - 600 miles an hour. Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows.
Narrator: That's, um.. That's an interesting theory.

Tyler Durden: All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I f*ck like you wanna f*ck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.

Narrator: Yes, we're men. Men is what we are.

Narrator: Between those huge sweating tits that hung enormous, the way you'd think of God's as big.

Narrator: Oh, it's late. Hey, thanks for the beer.
Tyler Durden: Yeah, man.
Narrator: I should find a hotel.
Tyler Durden: What?
Narrator: What?
Tyler Durden: A hotel?
Narrator: Yeah.
Tyler Durden: Just ask, man.
Narrator: What are you talking about?
Tyler Durden: Three pitchers of beer, and you still can't ask.
Narrator: What?
Tyler Durden: You call me because you need a place to stay.
Narrator: Oh, hey, no, no, no, I didn't mean.
Tyler Durden: Yes, you did. So just ask. Cut the foreplay and just ask.
Narrator: Would - would that be a problem?
Tyler Durden: Is it a problem for you to ask?
Narrator: Can I stay at your place?
Tyler Durden: Yeah.

Tyler Durden: Where'd you go, psycho boy?
Narrator: I felt like destroying something beautiful.

Tyler Durden: You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

Tyler Durden: Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.
Narrator: On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

Tyler Durden: OK: any historic figure.
Narrator: I'd fight Gandhi.
Tyler Durden: Good answer.
Narrator: How about you?
Tyler Durden: Lincoln.
Narrator: Lincoln?
Tyler Durden: Big guy, big reach. Skinny guys fight 'til they're burger.

Tyler Durden: Did you know that if you mix equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate you can make napalm?
Narrator: No, I did not know that; is that true?
Tyler Durden: That's right... One could make all kinds of explosives, using simple household items.
Narrator: Really...?
Tyler Durden: If one were so inclined.
Narrator: Tyler, you are by far the most interesting single-serving friend I've ever met... see I have this thing: everything on a plane is single-serving...
Tyler Durden: Oh I get it, it's very clever.
Narrator: Thank you.
Tyler Durden: How's that working out for you?
Narrator: What?
Tyler Durden: Being clever.
Narrator: Great.
Tyler Durden: Keep it up then... Right up.

Narrator: When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake.

First Man at Auto Shop: Here's where the infant's head went through the wind-shield. Three points.
Man #2 at Auto Shop: The teenager's braces are still wrapped around the backseat ashtray. Might make a good anti-smoking ad.
First Man at Auto Shop: The driver must have been huge, see where the fat burned to the seat? The polyester shirt? Very modern art.

Marla Singer: Yeah, you're sorry, I'm sorry, everybody's sorry, but... I can't do this anymore. I can't. And I won't. I'm gone.

Narrator: You wake up at Seatac, SFO, LAX. You wake up at O'Hare, Dallas-Fort Worth, BWI. Pacific, mountain, central. Lose an hour, gain an hour. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. You wake up at Air Harbor International. If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?
Lou: Do you hear me now?
Tyler Durden: No, I didn't quite catch that, Lou.
Tyler Durden: Still not getting it.
Tyler Durden: Ok, I got it. Shit, I lost it.

Tyler Durden: Only after disaster can we be resurrected.
Tyler Durden: Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K. Hessel's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted.
Marla Singer: I've got a stomachful of Xanax. I took what was left of a bottle. It might have been too much.
Narrator: First person that comes out this f*cking door gets a... gets a *lead salad*, you understand?Narrator:Tyler sold his soap to department stores at $20 a bar. Lord knows what they charged. It was beautiful. We were selling rich women their own fat asses back to them.
Narrator: When people think you're dying, they really, really listen to you, instead of just...
Marla Singer: - instead of just waiting for their turn to speak?
Tyler Durden: God Damn! We just had a near-life experience, fellas.
Tyler Durden: You have a kind of sick desperation in your laugh.
Marla Singer: There are things about you that I like. You're smart, you're funny, you're... spectacular in bed... But you're intolerable! You have very serious emotional problems. Deep seated problems for which you should seek professional help.
Narrator: I am Jack's cold sweat.
Marla Singer: You're not getting this back. I consider it as*hole tax.
Narrator: If I did have a tumor, I'd name it Marla.

Narrator: What do you do for a living?
Tyler Durden: Why? So you can pretend like you're interested?
Narrator: I am Jack's raging bile duct.
Narrator: Oh, yeah, Chloe... Chloe looked the way Meryl Streep's skeleton would look if you made it smile and walk around the party being extra nice to everybody.

Chloe: Well, I'm still here. But I don't know for how long. That's as much certainty as anyone can give me. But I've got some good news: I no longer have any fear of death. But... I am in a pretty lonely place. No one will have sex with me. I'm so close to the end, and all I want is to get laid for the last time. I have pornographic movies in my apartment, and lubricants, and amyl nitrite...

Group Leader: Thank you, Chloe... everyone, let's thank Chloe.
Narrator: A guy who came to Fight Club for the first time, his ass was a wad of cookie dough. After a few weeks, he was carved out of wood.
Narrator: I ran. I ran until my muscles burned and my veins pumped battery acid. Then I ran some more.
Narrator: After fighting, everything else in your life got the volume turned down.
Narrator: If you wake up at a different time in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?
Tyler Durden: Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing. Like the first monkey shot into space.
Narrator: And then, something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom.
Tyler Durden: Do you know what a duvet is?
Narrator: It's a comforter...
Tyler Durden: It's a blanket. Just a blanket. Now why do guys like you and me know what a duvet is? Is this essential to our survival, in the hunter-gatherer sense of the word? No. What are we then?
Narrator: ...Consumers?
Tyler Durden: Right. We are consumers. We're the bi-products of a lifestyle obsession.
Narrator: I am Jack's colon.
Tyler Durden: I get cancer, I kill Jack.
Narrator: Everywhere I travel, tiny life. Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. The microwave Cordon Bleu hobby kit. Shampoo-conditioner combos, sample-packaged mouthwash, tiny bars of soap. The people I meet on each flight? They're single-serving friends.
Narrator: I'll tell you: we'll split up the week, okay? You take lymphoma, and tuberculosis...
Marla Singer: You take tuberculosis. My smoking doesn't go over at all.
Narrator: Okay, good, fine. Testicular cancer should be no contest, I think.
Marla Singer: Well, technically, I have more of a right to be there than you. You still have your balls.
Narrator: You're kidding.
Marla Singer: I don't know... am I?
Narrator: No, no! What do you want?
Marla Singer: I'll take the parasites.
Narrator: You can't have both the parasites, but while you take the blood parasites...
Marla Singer: I want brain parasites.
Narrator: I'll take the blood parasites. But I'm gonna take the organic brain dementia, okay?
Marla Singer: I want that.
Narrator: You can't have the whole brain, that's...
Marla Singer: So far you have four, I only have two!
Narrator: Okay. Take both the parasites. They're yours. Now we both have three...
Narrator: I want bowel cancer.
Narrator: I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.
Tyler Durden: It could be worse. A woman could cut off your penis while you're sleeping and toss it out the window of a moving car.
Narrator: There's always that.
Tyler Durden: Hey, even the Mona Lisa's falling apart.
Marla Singer: It's cheaper than a movie, and there's free coffee.
Narrator: Look, nobody takes this more seriously than me. That condo was my life, okay? I loved every stick of furniture in that place. That was not just a bunch of stuff that got destroyed, it was ME!

Narrator: I'd like to thank the Academy...
Narrator: I am Jack's wasted life.
Narrator: I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection.
Narrator: I am Jack's broken heart.
Narrator: Life insurance pays off triple if you die on a business trip.
Narrator: My suitcase was vibrating?
Airport Security Officer: Nine times out of ten it's an electric razor, but every once in a while...

Airport Security Officer: it's a dildo. Of course it's company policy never to, imply ownership in the event of a dildo... always use the indefinite article a dildo, never your dildo.
Narrator: Fight Club wasn't about winning or losing. It wasn't about words. The hysterical shouting was in tongues, like at a Pentecostal Church.
Narrator: I got in everyone's hostile little face. Yes, these are bruises from fighting. Yes, I'm comfortable with that. I am enlightened.
Tyler Durden: The salt balance has to be just right, so the best fat for making soap comes from humans.
Marla Singer: A condom is the glass slipper for our generation. You slip one on when you meet a stranger. You dance all night, and then you throw it away. The condom, I mean, not the stranger.
Tyler Durden: We're consumers. We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty, these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra.

Tyler Durden: She's a predator posing as a house pet.
Narrator: Marla... the little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it, but you can't.
Members of Fight Club: His name is Robert Paulson.
Richard Chesler:The first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club?
Narrator: I'm half asleep again; I must've left the original in the copy machine.
Richard Chesler: The second rule of Fight Club - is this yours?
Narrator: Huh?
Richard Chesler: Pretend you're me, make a managerial decision: you find this, what would you do?
Narrator: Well, I gotta tell you: I'd be very, very careful who you talk to about that, because the person who wrote that... is dangerous.
[Gets up from the chair]
Narrator: And this button-down, Oxford-cloth psycho might just snap, and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers. This might be someone you've known for years. Someone very, very close to you.
Narrator: Tyler's words coming out of my mouth.
[Snatches the piece of paper from boss' hands]
Narrator: And I used to be such a nice guy.
Narrator: Or maybe you shouldn't bring me every little piece of trash you happen to pick up.
[Phone rings]
Narrator: Compliance and Liability...?
Marla Singer: My tit's gonna rot off.
Narrator: Would you excuse me? I need to take this.
Tyler Durden: Self improvement is masturbation. Now self destruction...
Narrator: I know it seems like I have more than one side sometimes...
Marla Singer: More than one side? You're Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Jackass!
Narrator: I flipped through catalogs and wondered: What kind of dining set defines me as a person?
Narrator: Marla's philosophy of life is that she might die at any moment. The tragedy, she said, was that she didn't.
Narrator: I can't get married - I'm a thirty-year-old boy.
Marla Singer: This isn't a real suicide-thing. This is probably one of those cry-for-help things.
Tyler Durden: Hitting bottom isn't a weekend retreat. It's not a goddamn seminar. Stop trying to control everything and just let go! LET GO!
Tyler Durden: I'll bring us through this. As always. I'll carry you - kicking and screaming - and in the end you'll thank me.
Narrator: He was full of pep. Must've had his grande-latte enema.
Narrator: Every evening I died, and every evening I was born again, resurrected.
Narrator: We have just lost cabin pressure.
Tyler Durden: Look, the people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep. Do not... f*ck with us.
Narrator: Bob loved me because he thought my testicles were removed too. Being there, pressed against his tits, ready to cry. This was my vacation... and she ruined *everything*.
Marla Singer: This is cancer, right?
Narrator: This chick Marla Singer did not have testicular cancer. She was a liar. She had no diseases at all. I had seen her at Free and Clear, my blood parasite group Thursdays. Then at Hope, my bi-monthly sickle cell circle. And again at Seize the Day, my tuberculous Friday night. Marla... the big tourist. Her lie reflected my lie. Suddenly, I felt nothing. I couldn't cry, so once again I couldn't sleep.
Narrator: Bob had bitch tits.
Lou: I'm f*cking Lou. Who the f*ck are you?
Narrator: Clean food, please.
Waiter: In that case, sir, may I advise against the lady eating clam chowder?
Narrator: No clam chowder, thank you.
Narrator: By the end of the first month, I didn't miss TV.
Narrator: If I didn't say anything, people always assumed the worst.
Narrator: I wasn't really dying. I wasn't host to cancer or parasites. I was the warm little center that the life of this world crowded around.
Narrator: You can swallow a pint of blood before you get sick.
Richard Chesler: Get the out of here, you're fired!
Narrator: I have a better solution. You keep me on the payroll as an outside consultant and in exchange for my salary, my job will be never to tell people these things that I know. I don't even have to come into the office, I can do this job from home.
Narrator: It's just, when you buy furniture, you tell yourself, that's it. That's the last sofa I'm gonna need. Whatever else happens, I've got that sofa problem handled.
Tyler Durden: We are all part of the same compost heap.
Narrator: A house full of condiments and no food... how embarrassing.
Narrator: When the fight was over, nothing was solved, but nothing mattered. We all felt saved.
Narrator: It must've been Tuesday. He was wearing his cornflower-blue tie.
Narrator: Like so many others, I had become a slave to the Ikea nesting instinct.
Narrator: What do you do?
Tyler Durden: What do you mean?
Narrator: What do you do for a living?
Tyler Durden: Why? So you can pretend like you're interested?
Narrator: Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave.

Narrator: This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.

Tyler Durden: Now, a question of etiquette - as I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch?

Tyler Durden: It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

Tyler Durden: The things you own end up owning you.

Tyler Durden: Welcome to Fight Club. The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: you DO NOT talk about Fight Club! Third rule of Fight Club: if someone yells "stop!", goes limp, or taps out, the fight is over. Fourth rule: only two guys to a fight. Fifth rule: one fight at a time, fellas. Sixth rule: the fights are bare knuckle. No shirt, no shoes, no weapons. Seventh rule: fights will go on as long as they have to. And the eighth and final rule: if this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight.

~ Fin ~

Qs on ZBT

2009-04-14T01:20:00.000-07:00

(that's ZeeBigTourist for you, you clever folks out there!)

Why do we like Conrado De Quiros? Why do we like The Wolf? Why do we like Jules Winnfield, Vincent Vega and Mia Wallace? Why do we adore Calvin and Hobbes? Special mention, Bill Watterson? Why do I find Kramer and George irresistible (I don't have taste)?

Why do I have this thing for The Doors and Deftones?

And why do I exalt Fight Club?
(Exalt? That's strong a word, no?)

It's because they have character.
In my standards that is.

Or probably I should have known better.

Or probably I need to redefine 'character'.

Or probably I need to eat human food after two days of fasting due to my much anticipated colonoscopy so that I'd be able to think straight!

Or probably, I better shut up.

Probably.

Bag of Beans Tagaytay on a Good Friday | with tasty Civet Cats on the side

2009-04-13T21:24:00.000-07:00

Sinners galore!

This is where we spent the latter half of Good Friday - Bag of Beans, Tagaytay (we spent the first half, pigging out at Dencio’s Tagaytay and then prayed for our deliverance at Lourdes, right after. Now that’s the way to go.).

Bag of Beans is an English café strategically situated along Aguinaldo Highway crossing Mendez West. You can see their quaint wooden signage right away. The façade of the café is quite deceptive. You see a small English bakery and just beside it, a steep stairway that leads to the garden-themed-café-slash-resto. Walk some more and you will find yourself in a large lanai-like part of the coffee house. This part is what makes it deceptive. It’s like those fairy tale stories where you see a small house but when you go inside, its large as hell.

This lanai - with its huge Thai inspired wooden doors - is what I like most about Bag of Beans, apart from their very simple yet delectable mashed potatoes and their assortment of delightful coffee.

The Tagaytay weather is just an extra. And yeah, the prices too! They’re very affordable unlike those cafés or restos in Tagaytay where the food is bland and the prices are a joke.

Bag of Beans redefines ‘cozy’.

It makes you so inspired, to the extent that you already made plans to dedicate an entire week to rearrange your miniscule garden just to look like it.

(It’s The Pathetic Me, speaking.)

Oh and speaking of coffee, Bag of Beans also boasts itself of Coffee Alamid which is coffee harvested from the droppings of the Civet Cat (Alamid is the Philippine version, Weasel Coffee in Vietnam and Kopi Luwak in Indonesia, and is considered to be the most expensive coffee in the planet. It was also said that it’s not really a cat but a mongoose. O-kay.)

The civet cat prowls those coffee plantations and ingests only the sweetest and prime coffee cherries.. and then fermentation in their system takes place. Wow. Science, Totally. In the very innards of the cats!

It was also said that the coffee was only introduced in the market because some poor man in the old days had a bright idea, while brewing his cat excrement for coffee, he said: hey, this tastes fantabulous! Not crappy or anything. If we tweak it a bit, we can sell it to white folks for all their worth!

They said that it's an acquired taste but you'll come to love it if you can ignore the fact that it's made from sh*t.

I haven't tried it (as it offends my stupid naïve sensibilities) but I plan to get me some, real soon. Like after I reclaim my island or finish my time machine.

And allegedly, it was said that due to the demand and elusiveness of this coffee - much like zee Beluga Caviar and French Truffle (*wid zee ack-zent*) - assembly lines in China are currently being revamped to accommodate the reproduction of such coffee beans and that there is a possibility that one might not be drinking a pure Civet Cat (or mongoose if you will) coffee in the near future.

And on that note, it's funny to think of those rich sophisticates who will soon start complaining that their coffee is not 100% cat turd.

(Jules and Vincent both sighed happily after taking a sip of their coffee. A note of contentment from the infamous hit men there, yeah?)

O-kay, I went off tangent there for a while. Talking about excrements sure makes one chatty. It's an invigorating hobby, I tell you.

*intermission* (Vincent Vega and Mia Wallace are doing the dance. What fun!)

Okay, now, back to Bag of Beans..

You don't want to? Want to discuss more about feces?!?

I told you it's addictive.

Sorry, you can't have any.

Image on the right: Believe you me, that is the lanai I'm shooting for.

Serenity Now!

2009-04-13T02:32:00.000-07:00

*I let out a deep sigh of resignation in preparation for my hobby (read: griping)*

This is what comes to mind whenever I am flooded with tons of ideas to write for zeebigtourist .
Boo-freakin-hoo for you! You may say.

Ha!

Okay, I totally ripped that off of my precious, ultra-cool Seinfeld collection. :-)
But hey! I really want some serenity when my fingers can't keep up with my brain activity anymore!

Right.

I need to rest my soon-to-be-writhing-in-agonizing-pain-carpal-tunnel-syndrome-suffering wrists.
Better watch Seinfeld and get my daily dose of Serenity…now!

(Cosmo Kramer is now wildly clapping his hands.. asking for an encore. Should I oblige? Hmm. I let out a mischievous grin.)

And to all 'ya Seinfeld fans out there, if you don't know that Kramer's first name is Cosmo, you're a disgrace. Dig? Good.

Fight Club

2009-04-12T17:55:00.000-07:00

This movie will change your life.
(Well for me, it did.)

That's how strong and exceptional this movie is.
(runs in the same vein like that of Pulp Fiction)

This movie will make you analyze your life.
This movie will influence how you think.
This movie will introduce concepts that have long been nagging your psyche but haven't had the chance to understand.
This movie will make you accept things you would ordinarily despise.

This movie is not a movie. It's a religion.

"It's only after we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything."
No one can say it better than Tyler Durden. Sheer brilliance.

Watch it. Then watch it again with some of your intelligent friends.

(Tyler is squatting at the corner of the room puffing some smokes, nods then grins approvingly at me.)

Image on the right courtesy of: spade13th of deviantart.com

Baby Ruth Poetry by Sid

2009-04-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

How do I love Baby Ruth?

Let me count the ways..

Yay! And I only have my trusty two front teeth!

You want some? Sorry, you can't have any!

Man, all this shiny wrapper sure is making me hungry..

Just one li'l problem, how do I tear this open..

Have you experienced drowning in your garage?

2009-04-11T05:55:00.000-07:00

Well, we've almost had.

October 2006 was when Typhoon Milenyo walloped our country.

And this event bagged the title 'The Most Harrowing Experience Of My Life', effortlessly. Hands down.

It was just a matter of minutes when our bone-dry-still-passable-street was filled with chest high floodwater.

A matter of M-I-N-U-T-E-S.

Now you may ask, how is that possible.

Yes, Milenyo did not bring that much rain. What it brought us was a colossal amount of ferocious wind. This super typhoon of course has super strong winds that forced-swept water from different bodies of water to dry land.

It was so strong that it practically filled the dams in our area with tons of water. Literally. The keepers of the dam needed to release some water from the reservoirs to avoid breach. They said it was the best thing to do. For if the dam goes kaput - it will effortlessly send us all to kingdom come.

No one in our part of the world would be spared. So they say.

So better sacrifice a few. Namely, us.

When they released the overflow from the dam, it was pandemonium on our part.

It was like the Titanic, revisited.

I was crying the whole time because I fear for my mom's life whom I left in our (me and my husband's) house, with my aunt, just a block away.

They were so near yet so far.

I was calling her on her mobile phone the whole time just to check if they're okay.

I was calling her while I was trying to work on the lever of the jack to lift my car from the ground (our cars were submerged halfway in water) and I am trying to sort-of change a flat tire underwater! We thought that raising the car even a few nudges up will save it from certain death.
We should have known better.

I called my mom again but this time I can't reach her.

Her battery was already depleted because I kept on calling
her. And her old phone wasn't the trusty type.

And electricity in our neighborhood was already cut off.

I was in a daze. It was as if I was in a dream.

I was shoved back to reality when a strong current of water knocked off the cross wrench from my hands.

That was when I lost it. I sobbed uncontrollably.

I felt that I don't care if lose all the earthly possessions that I have - what matters is I want to see my mom alive again. And that me and my husband will also be spared from this catastrophe.
And the floodwater continued to pour in.

We were about to drown right in their very own garage.

We went to the roof. There is no way but up.
The flood INSIDE the house is now chest-high.
Their house has a second story - so we still have some reprieve.
But our (me and my husband's) house - where my mom and my aunt were currently in - doesn't have any. And they don't know how to swim.

I was crying so hard. I want to swim thru the flood. I want to go to our house! I want to rescue my mother! It's like I am slowly killing her with my inaction. My neurons are snapping like crazy.

My husband won't allow me. He said that it was very dangerous to traverse the water because we don't just have flood. We have strong current with the flood that will not think twice about sweeping anyone who dares to swim in it. He too was half-crying. He was also scared.

We climbed to the roof. I can hear wailing and screaming from everywhere. Anguish and panic filled the damp air.
This is Holocaust. And I'm in it.

I was weeping. I was so scared.
I fear for my mom whom I can't see nor talk to.
I badly needed to know if she's okay.

We stayed in their roof with several of his Cat Eyes because it was getting dark. That was when I found out that several of our neighbors are also staying in their roofs. I shone light to them with one of the Cat Eyes and I shouted, 'Nakikita nyo pa ba diyan yung dalawang matanda?!? Pakisigaw naman kung okay lang sila!!"

They also pointed a flashlight our way, and shouted, "Teka lang!!" then shouted to someone near them, then yelled back at me "Andito sila!! Okay lang daw sila!!"

I felt a rush of relief. That was the only thing I was waiting for.

We stayed in their roof for sometime, trying to observe what's the next best thing to do. Same thing with all the others in their roofs.

The scene was like those news reports you see on TV while you are lazily picking on your dinner - where you see a storm-wrecked town, submerged in floodwater, where the only thing that you can see are people in their roofs, waving at the choppers that hover above them, for help.

I didn't think that there would be a day in my life when I would experience just that. I should think again.

We were all hoping that the current would stop. And that the water would stop pouring in. That would be the only way that we would get out of this tragedy, alive.

After two or more hours, the rain and wind let up a bit.
It was pitch dark and the only thing that we have are his flashlights and a pocket radio. We stayed there the whole time.

We survived the night. Milenyo spared MY WHOLE FAMILY.

True, my prized Calvin and Hobbes and CD collection swam in floodwater together with all of our material things, but hey, all that I care about is we are all alive.

That is what's important.

The next day we learned that several towns in our area were completely destroyed by Milenyo. One town was even erased from the map and that all the people there drowned.

I can just imagine.

Now, as I look back, I can't help but revere life as it is. For we can always recover all the earthly possessions that we may lose..

But not life.

Humans are fragile. Life is delicate.

The harrowing experience carved a different perspective in my psyche.

I will never look at Life the same way again.

On coffee and coffee beans

2009-04-10T19:58:00.000-07:00

Coffee. Ahh, God was in his loveliest mood when he created coffee.
And so far, this is one of the best that I’ve tried.
Exquisite taste. Ambient aroma.
And just the right amount of caffeine to kick things up a bit.

I haven't been to Guatemala, but they sure grow some very good beans there.

So go ahead. Have a cup.

Image from:
Starbucks Guatemala Antigua Coffee by Starbucks Coffee - StarbucksStore.com

(Jules is staring at me, "You mind if I have some of your tasty beverage?", he said. And since I don't want him to blow my brains out, I handed over a cup to him. "Ah, that hits the spot.", he said.)