Durham Family Law Journal.com

IS YOUR RELATIONSIP 'GOOD ENOUGH"?"?

2014-08-21T11:19:00.001-04:00

In this recent article, Dr. Pauline Boss describes an alternative to ending a relationship because it’s not everything we wish for. She describes this as making a "conscious choice". In all intimate relationships, there will be aspects of the other partner than are less than stellar. Yet, with the knowledge that no one is perfect and in the hope that one's marriage vows have some lasting meaning, the thing to do is to give careful consideration to the perceived failings of your partner and decide if, in fact, he or she is 'good enough". If so, perhaps acceptance rather than divorce is your answer. If he or she is not "good enough" then plan your separation and divorce with the help of trained professionals. Just know, you do have a choice.

A Simple Communications Model to Use

2014-04-29T11:24:00.000-04:00

Cathy Heenan, Ed.D. recently posted an article in her blog that introduces a model you can use with your spouse when emotions are running high and you need to be able to solve a dispute.

Here's what you need to do:

If you can agree with what is being said, simply say..."I agree."
If you agree with part of what is being said, begin with, "I agree with [the part you in fact agree with]. I do have trouble with [the part you don't agree with]."

Try out this model and see if it helps you to reach some agreement at a time when it is so important to do so.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE - A Persisitent Threat to Women in the USA

2014-03-24T10:11:00.001-04:00

In a recent New York Times OP-ED Nicholas Kristof informs us that in the United States, domestic violence claims the life of an American Woman every six hours and strikes 25% of all American women in their lifetimes. Such shocking statistics clearly demonstrate that this is a huge problem which deserves very serious attention.

Mr. Kristof identifies 3 steps that are needed to fight this plague:
First, we must end the silence. victims must be encouraged to report violent episodes and then given support once they have done so.
Second, we must ensure the law enforcement takes the issue seriously before a victim becomes a corpse.
Third, offenders should be required to attend mandated classes designed to enable the offender to confront his behavior with brutal honesty and in doing do, to learn how to moderate his expectations and beliefs so that he can become a recovering abuser.

In Durham County, victims of domestic violence are encouraged to contact the Durham Crisis Response Center as follows:

crisisline@durhamcrisisresponse.org

(919) 403-6562 (English)
(919) 519-3735 (Española)

In Orange County, victims of domestic violence are encouraged to contact the Compass Center as follows:

www.compassctr.org

(919) 929-7122

In Wake County, victims of domestic violence are encouraged to contact InterAct of Wake County as follows:

www.interactofwake.org

(919) 828-7740 or toll free (866) 291-0855

What is the role of the custody evaluator?

2014-01-21T09:56:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading an excellent article by Gary Direnfield, MSW, RSW entitled Unraveling Custody/Access Assessments/Evaluations. In this article Gary provides his reader with a succinct explanation of the role and responsibility of the evaluator as well as explaining when and how custody evaluations come about. The important take away is that parental action or sometimes, inaction lies at the base of the need to call in a custody evaluator and that always it is best for parents to come to their own parenting decisions rather than place the burden on the Court. Further, the evaluator is not the decision-maker, that is the role for the judge. Instead, the role of the evaluator is to gather facts and then make recommendations to the court regarding the parents' relative parenting strengths and weaknesses in light of the specific emotional, developmental and other such needs of their children.

Happy New Year!

2014-01-03T16:04:00.000-05:00

2013 was not a blogging year for me. 2014 will be different as I set the intention to post a new article at least once per month. If there are topics you would like for me to address please send your suggestions to me at mnm@milamidol.com with the Subject Line: Blog suggestions.

Happy Father's Day

2012-06-15T11:17:00.000-04:00

In an article in the June 14, 2012 New York Times, Dominick Zarrillo's column about himself and his son epitomizes the essence of a father's love for his son. I hope you will read the articel and be inspired just as i was.

Happy Father's Day to all the Dads and the Dad-to-Be!

401(k)s and Divorce

2012-06-05T15:00:00.000-04:00

Here is a link to a recent articlein the Wall Street Journal concerning dividing 401(k) accounts incident to divorce.

Lessen Your Risk of Sexual Assault

2011-05-10T09:48:00.002-04:00

NursingDegree.com has posted a new article entitled "20 Ways to Lessen Your Risk of Sexual Assault." Read the 20 tips here

Wiretapping Teddy Bear Leads to Large Fines

2011-03-13T12:40:00.011-04:00

In this age of tiny digital audio recording devices, some parents embroiled in a child custody dispute may be tempted to conceal such a recorder in their child's beloved teddy bear in an attempt to acquire evidence that the other parent is misbehaving. However, such a plan may prove disastrous.

Healing A Wounded Credit Score

2011-02-22T07:29:00.003-05:00

Many of us have less than perfect credit scores. If you are interested in improving yours, you might find this recent article by Tara Siegel Bernard in the New York Times to be of interest.

Study Says Fighting Style Predictive of Divorce

2011-02-22T06:53:00.003-05:00

The manner of fighting that a married couple employs may predict whether the couple will eventually divorce. Read more about this here

Does your child hate to do her homework?

2011-01-13T11:29:00.002-05:00

If your daughter is balking at doing her homework, perhaps this article will help.

Parent One, Parent Two

2011-01-13T09:24:00.004-05:00

In this article from The Washington Post , we learn that the State Department has decided to make U.S. passport application forms "gender neutral" by removing references to mother and father, officials said, in favor of language that refers to parents as "Parent one" and Parent Two" instead.

What Makes a Happy Marriage?

2011-01-13T09:16:00.002-05:00

Read this interesting article from the New York Times if you want to gain some insight on how to have a sustainable marriage.

Marriage and the Green Card

2010-07-08T13:03:00.002-04:00

Investigating marriage fraud is the topic of this recent article from the New York Times. Apparently it is not so easy to obtain a Green Card.

The Health Hazards of Marriage

2010-06-15T10:56:00.001-04:00

This recent article from CNN sheds some light on the potential health effects of married life and spousal interactions.

Patients' Rights Get A Boost

2010-04-16T09:32:00.011-04:00

On April 15, 2010 the rights of hospital patients to have their wishes respected concerning who may visit them or make medical decisions on their behalf got a boost from President Obama by way of a Presidential Memorandum for the Secretary of the US Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). While the memo will be of assistance to all persons, it will be especially helpful to LGBT patients and their families.

The memo directs the Secretary of HHS to promulgate rules for all hospital that receive federal funding as follows:

Develop visitation policies that will ensure that "...individuals designated by a legally valid advance directive (such as durable powers of attorney and health care proxies) should enjoy visitation privileges that are no more restrictive than those that immediate family members enjoy". and that participating hospitals may not deny visitation privileges on the basis of race, color, national origin, religion, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, or disability of the visitor.
Guarantee that all patients' advanced directives are respected and that patients' representatives otherwise have the right to make informed decisions.
Provide additional recommendations to the President within 180 days of the date of the memo, on action s HHS can take to address hospital visitation, medical decision-making, or other health care issues that affect LGBT patients and their families.

North Carolina has already taken steps in this direction and its Patients' Bill of Rights gives each patient "the right to designate visitors who shall receive the same visitation privileges as the patient's immediate family members, regardless of whether the visitors are legally related to the patient".

International Travel With Your Child - What You Need To Know

2010-01-15T11:08:00.006-05:00

If you are planning a trip abroad with your child anytime soon, this recent article from the New York Times will surely be of interest to you.

Filing Facts for the Recently Married or Divorced Taxpayer

2010-01-06T17:21:00.013-05:00

If you recently got married or divorced, here are some tips from the IRS you should consider:

1. If you took your spouse's last name or if both you and your spouse hyphenated your last names when you got married, be sure to notify the Social Security Administration (SSA) of the name change well in advance of filing your income tax return. Otherwise, the IRS computers will not be able to match your new name(s) to your Social Security Number(s) when you file your return.

2. If were recently divorced and changed back to your previous last name, you also need to notify the SSA well in advance of filing your income tax return.

3. It is very easy to inform the SSA of your name change, you just need to file a Form SS-5, Application for a Social Security Card at your local SSA office. It ususally takes approximatley 2 weeks for the change to be virified by the SSA.

4. Form SS-5 is available on the SSA website at http://www.socialsecurity.gov/, by calling the SSA at 1-800-772-1213, or you can obtain Form SS-5 at your local SSA office.

International Custody Dispute Between Nebraska and Canada

2010-01-05T10:45:00.006-05:00

It seems that with increasing frequency I read stories in the news about parents embroiled in custody disputes that are international in scope. If you are interested in this topic, you will find a recent story from Nebraska to be of interest. Click here to read the story from Omaha, NE.

Is 50-50 custody a good choice in the long run?

2009-12-10T11:56:00.005-05:00

What follows is a reprint of an interesting article by Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW. I hope that you find it as thought provoking as I did.

As soon as the argument over the kids becomes about the 50/50 residential care arrangement, the writing is on the wall that at least one of the parents has lost sight of the best interest of their children.

These kind of fights tend to take on epic proportion and the next issue to be determined becomes who can baby-sit when one or other parent is unavailable because typically neither parent can be available 100% of their 50% of the time with whatever schedule is determined.

Thus these kids grow up in a situation of constant conflict and animosity between the parents. To understand the effect of this, think of your child as a bucket of white paint, clean and pure. Think of the parental conflict as black paint. With every parental fight, a drop of the black paint falls into the bucket of white paint. Try removing the black paint once mixed in. Impossible.

Over time, as more drops of black paint are added, your child, who was once pure like the white bucket of paint, becomes grayed with the luster removed.

When constructing parenting plans, the parental goal must be on a meaningful relationship with their children while being mindful of the demands of work-life and any other time constraints. By developing a parenting plan that is in this sense more rationale, the conflict is removed and the child is spared the discolouration from the tortuous ongoing drops of conflict.

Children who grow up between their parents’ animosity and conflict live for the day when they can leave home to escape the constant dropping of black paint into their lives. They grow weary and angry with their parents and will naturally seek to ultimately get away from them both. Hence a parent may win the 50/50 battle of time with their child, but lose the lifetime relationship when their child becomes an adult in their own right. Your child’s time on earth will be spent more as an adult than as a child. As you lament not having enough time with your son or daughter as a child, think how this can be worsened by losing your time with them as an adult, not to mention your time with your potential grandchildren.

The key here then is not to fight for 50/50 time with the kids, but the kind of sharing of care that allows for a meaningful relationship with the kids. This kind of meaningfulness is measured by supporting school and extra-curricular activities, attending important functions of the child and having some recreational activity time for the mere fun of being together. Meaningful to the child also means freedom from parental conflict and animosity.

The best you can wish for is a 100% relationship with your children with whatever time is available. Any time put towards fighting and you are undermining what you already have.

Concentrate on what you’ve got and the future takes care of itself.

Reprinted by permission of:
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
Interaction Consultants and I Promise Program Inc.
20 Suter Crescent,
Dundas, Ontario, Canada L9H 6R5
www.yoursocialworker.com

Who decides on the flu vaccine for a minor child?

2009-12-02T15:09:00.006-05:00

The Associated Press reports that an estranged New Jersey couple asked a family court on November 30, 2009 to settle a dispute over whether their school-aged child will be administered the H1N1 Flu vaccine. The parents have joint legal custody which means that they must mutually agree on any non-emergency medical care for their minor child.

In North Carolina when parents who have joint legal custody are unable to reach mutual agreement about non-emergency medical treatment for a minor child the parents must also seek relief from the Court. Ultimately, the Court will have to decide how to modify the parents' legal custody. In some instances, the Court may award sole legal custody to one of the parents. other times, the Court may decide to enter an order specifying "demarcated custody". With demarcated custody, one parent may be assigned the responsibility for making medical decisions while the other parent may be assigned decision-making authority regarding some other aspect of the child's life, for example, the choice of extra-curricular activities.

A Different Response to those Dreaded Words

2009-08-11T11:13:00.009-04:00

No one ever wants to hear his or her partner of many years announce that "I just do not love you anymore." Typically, the response will be tears, anger, threats of lawsuits. In a very interesting article, published on July 31, 2009, in the New York Times, see how author Laura A. Munson chose to respond. Click here to read Munson's article.

Alienation of Affections & Criminal Conversation Claims Lose Some Ground

2009-08-04T17:04:00.010-04:00

House Bill 1110, entitled "An Act To Clarify Procedures In Civil Actions For Alienation Of Affections and Criminal Conversation" was signed into law on August 3, 2009. The effective date of the law is October 1, 2009 and it will apply to actions arising from acts occurring on or after that date. The act is codified at N.C. General Statues sect. 52-13 (a), (b), and (c).

The act make one distinct change to the current laws controlling actions for Alienation of Affections ("AA") and Criminal Conversation ("CC"). Under the new law, after spouses physically separate from one another with the intent of of at least one of them to live permanently separate and apart, a third person who then becomes romantically and/or sexually involved with one of the separated spouses cannot be sued by the other spouse for AA or CC. Currently, a third party risks exposure for claims of AA and or CC if he/she involves him/her self with a married but separated person.

The new law specifies that a person may sue only another natural person, as opposed to a corporation or other entity, for AA or CC.

Finally, the statute of limitations for these civil actions is three years for the last act of the defendant giving rise to the cause of action.

The Pitfalls of Self-representation

2009-07-23T14:23:00.015-04:00

A recent North Carolina Court of Appeals opinion, Gary Michael Sluder v. Christina B. Sluder, illustrates the pitfalls for the unwary that exist for spouses who attempt to represent themselves. Here, the self-represented Defendant, Christina Sluder had her poorly plead claims for equitable distribution and alimony dismissed by the trial court. After a trial on her breach of contract claim, Christina won, but her victory was short lived as it was reversed by the Appellate Court.

Specifics of the Case

Gary and Christina Sluder were married to each other in 1999 and they separated on June 19, 1999. After they were separated and before they were divorced, Gary hand wrote and signed a document dated January 10, 2005 that stated: "I Gary M. Sluder pay to my wife Christina, the sum of on One Thousand Dollars a month in post spousal support." (emphasis added). The courts concluded that what Gary actually meant was post separation support.

Later in 2005, Gary filed for Divorce and the Divorce Judgment was entered on December 30, 2009. Apparently, Gary did not pay Christina the $1,000.00 per months addressed in the January 10, 2005 document, because prior to the entry of the Divorce Judgment, Christina filed pro se pleadings seeking post separation support based on contract from Gary. Christina also attempted, but failed, to properly plead claims for equitable distribution and alimony. Those claims were dismissed by the trial court.

After hearing the evidence, the trial court made the following findings of fact and conclusions of law regarding the uncertified agreement between the parties:

Finding of Fact 7: In early January 2005, the Plaintiff [Gary] agreed to give the Defendant one thousand dollars ($1,000.00) per month so that the Defendant could have evidence of income she would need to rent an apartment for herself and her minor children

Conclusion of Law 1: Pursuant to G.S. 52-10 the Plaintiff owes the Defendant the sum of one thousand dollars (1,000 [sic] per month for a reasonable time after promising the Defendant he would do so.

Conclusion of Law 2: That a reasonable period of time for the Plaintiff to pay the Defendant one thousand dollars ($1,000.00) per month would be eleven (11) months.

The trial court then entered judgment in favor of Christina, awarding her recovery from Gary in the amount of $11,000.00. Gary appealed to the North Carolina Court of Appeals

Types of Marital Contracts

As between themselves, married people can make two distinct types of contracts: (1) separation agreements, and (2) property settlements.

A separation agreement is a contract between spouses providing for marital
support rights and executed while the parties are separated or planning to
separate immediately.

A property settlement provides for the division of property held by the
spouses. Spouses may enter into a property settlement at any time, regardless of
whether they contemplate separation or divorce.

The North Carolina Supreme Court has often noted the differing purposes
underlying the two contracts. The "heart of a separation agreement is the
parties’ intention to live separate and apart forever..." In re Adamee,
291 N.C. 386, 391 (1976). However, a property settlement "contains provisions
... which might with equal propriety have been made had no separation been
contemplated." Jones v. Lewis, 243 N.C. 259, 261 (1955).

N.C. Gen. Stat. § 52-10.1 governs the execution of separation agreements. Pursuant to the statute, to be valid and enforceable a separation agreement must satisfy all of the following requirements:

•The agreement must be in writing
•The terms of the agreement must be consistent with public policy
•The agreement must be acknowledged by both of the spouses in the presence of a certifying officer as defined by N.C. Gen. Stat. § 52-10 (b).
•The certifying officer must not be a party to the contract

A certifying officer is a "... notary public, or a justice, judge, magistrate, clerk, assistant clerk, or deputy clerk of the General Court of Justice, or the equivalent or corresponding officers of the state, territory or foreign country where the acknowledgment is made." N.C. Gen. Stat. § 52-10 (b)

The execution of property settlements is governed by N.C. Gen. Stat. § 52-10 (a).

The Appeal

On appeal, Gary argued that the trail court erred by concluding the January 10, 2005 document was an enforceable agreement governed by N.C. Gen. Stat. § 52-10. Instead, Gary contended that the agreement concerned support rights made during separation and as such that it was governed by N.C. Gen. Stat. § 52-10.1. Further, because the agreement was not acknowledged by both of the parties before a certifying officer as required by N.C. Gen. Stat. § 52-10.1, Gary argued that the agreement was not enforceable. The North Carolina Court of Appeals agreed with Gary and reversed the trial court’s award of recovery to Christina because the agreement was invalid under N.C. Gen. Stat. § 52-10.1.