The Shy Singer/Songwriter

Regrowth

2012-11-21T11:00:00.000-08:00

I am today supported by the experiences and knowledge of the past. I fell off the creative wagon some time ago, I'm caught up in a rut, and I'm trying to find my way back again. I'm helping the process of regrowth by becoming involved again with a supportive community (and accepting the kick in the butt from my best friend); writing blogs, forum posts, lyrics; listening to lots of music; coming up with titles for tracks (I often feel inspired by that); and getting into the studio to play with sounds. I'm reminded today by some posts I've seen that doing something every day (however small) towards your ultimate goal is an important commitment to yourself. Those teeny steps in the right direction begin to add up, and carry me forward. Momentum is good. Doubt is there to challenge me, it's only when I let it stop me that it really hurts me. Progress isn't hampered by how many times you fall. It only stops when you fail to get back up!

My friend CK wrote a great blogpost about this- http://composingkitchen.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/a-real-workout-reps-within-reps/

Live today

2012-11-14T08:14:00.001-08:00

"Remove all blame from your vocabulary. Catch yourself when you find yourself using your past history as a reason for your failure to act today, and instead say, "I am free now to detach myself from what used to be." -Dr Wayne W Dyer

Is being "commercial" a cop-out?

2012-10-24T11:37:00.002-07:00

When I look back to see when I began to seek external validation, it was of course as a child, trying to survive in an unfair, scary and often joyless world. When it feels like you are only loveable when you do the 'right things' then you try to do the right things, even if you don't like them. Even if they make you feel bad, or uncomfortable, or hurt you. You learn to conform. You learn your own thoughts and feelings don't matter.

I always felt that everyone else knew what to say, what to do, how to be. I looked to them for clues, because they were the ones who obviously had the how-to manual of life. I tried to anticipate their thoughts, and morph myself to be what I envisioned they wished me to be. Then they would like me. Approve of me. Want me around.

You end up 'getting' the fact that you have no value as a human being. You distrust your own instincts, push away your own opinions, and silence your own voice.

I guess one of the reasons I believe that creativity is a 'way out' of the jail I've just described is that in the act of doing a creative thing, we are expressing something that goes beneath the consciousness, using whatever medium it is to engage in asking 'what do I want to say'... and hopefully listening to the answer to that question. We work to be authentic and turn off our own critic. Plus it gives us the opportunity to say some of the things we have never allowed ourselves to say. While that may not be 'commercial', it is healthy.

I believe that we need to go through the stage of self-expression before arriving at a place where we can tailor at least some of our music (art, writing, etc) to the market - assuming that's our goal. At that point we are emotionally attached to what we are creating, and we're really not in the place where we can listen to feedback, as just making the effort to say what we've said could be - as it was for me - a huge leap forward in saying something about myself that is real.

Assuming we want to move forward and attempt to make our artistry 'marketable', then begins the struggle. We desire validation of our efforts, and want to be 'good' but dislike negative feedback. A lot.

If we are willing to listen to good critique - I define this as feedback given by knowledgeable and encouraging people who are further down the path, who take the time to try to help us to move towards success - and apply it to what we are doing, if we can get to the place where we are emotionally detached from our creative product and able to reform or revise our ideas so they 'work' more effectively... we may begin to have some commercial success.

I write things just for me. And I write things for the market. Sometimes they are the same thing. I will say, there are songs I write that have no commercial application, and I don't expect they ever will have a big market. Even my most commercial tracks, however, are still expressing me. They aren't a 'sell out'. They are evidence that it is possible to be creative and meet the needs of the industry at the same time.

When I was a child, I wasn't able to express myself fully. No one gave me the tools. I didn't feel safe being 'myself'... except when I was playing my guitar and writing my songs. Music helped me survive.

So it's no wonder now that I continue to explore the arts as a way of speaking what is deep inside me. Writing for the commerical market doesn't negate me. It's a challenge I can rise to... the challenge of speaking in 'their' voice, while expressing 'me'. ~

Tonedeaf? Doubt it.

2012-10-19T16:41:00.001-07:00

The truth is that almost everyone who has been labelled as "tonedeaf" isn't. They CAN hear pitches, hear melodies, but feel they cannot sing tones or phrases with sufficient accuracy to feel they are 'okay'.

In every case, when working with a student who calls themselves "tonedeaf", I have found that they can indeed sing on key.

Often, someone with a 'tin ear' was told at some point in their early life that they were tonedeaf, usually in some public way, and asked not to sing, or just mouth the words, or sit out the activity. Despite a desire to join in the music, this experience leads to a life-long avoidance of singing.

Sometimes, someone who is shy and soft-spoken will be, in effect, unconsciously hiding their voice, as I did, constantly being asked to speak up, stammering from nervousness in social situations, hating how awkward I felt... no wonder I couldn't really sing the way I dreamed.

Additionally, we all learn how to talk, but very few of us learn to speak well, leading to diction habits that constrict the throat and tire the voice, pushing resonance into odd places and creating unattractive overtones.

In my practice, I have found that everyone who desires to sing CAN sing, if they are willing to patiently do the work, understand they will need to allow 'bad singing' on the road to good, are supported by a knowledge of good diction, effective breathing, and awareness of the thought processes that effect us while we sing.

But nothing is overnight. If you wish to run a 10-mile marathon next Fall, you start working today by jogging light and short distances to grow your abilities. And one thing that runners know is that there are often times when you 'hit a wall'. After steadily growing the distance that can be run, you reach a point where you can go no further. But if you patiently keep running that distance, one day, suddenly, surprisingly, you can go further.

Voice is like that. In training, your voice is essentially 'going to the gym' and working out. It can only do so much. You hit walls. You struggle with doubt. But with continued, good instruction and committed practice, the voice does blossom. The skill level increases. Because of that, confidence is born.

And suddenly, like one of my students - a retired math teacher who had never been able to sing on key - you find yourself singing a beautiful love song, hitting all the right notes... and sounding like you always could. ~

Daily, small steps

2012-10-04T08:13:00.002-07:00

Marrying creativity & inspiration with writing for the commercial market, I found I had, generally speaking, two paths... 1) I would write lyrics & songs for self-expression, fun, experience, an album, and 2) I would write instrumentals to pitch to film/tv opportunities. In either case keeping myself primed and 'in the flow' meant doing something everyday with music, writing, or art.

I have some things I used do to flex my 'writer's' muscle, and I have just begun to do them again... here are a few...

-write at least part of a lyric everyday... good or bad, expressing feelings, visions and story

-read... news, blogs, book, lyrics, etc, how people talk & what they're talking about

-practice & play: an instrument, sing, play with VI sounds (what synth sounds like what), record ideas

-ask for feedback & be willing to listen (be emotionally detatched from my work)

-give feedback - a little bit of 'paying it forward' feels good

-do tutorials or watch YouTube videos on things like mixing, using Cubase (etc), TAXImusic interviews on the business, read good books or blogs on songwriting, the TAXI forum and other writing forums, etc

-if short of inspiration, do songwriting exercises

-if short of inspiration & looking for a fun way to push self to write, do songwriting challenges like '50 songs in 90 days' and 'FAWM' and even (novel) 'NaNoWriMo' or 'Script Frenzy'

Most importantly, set aside a time for composing/songwriting and keep that date with myself.

What kind of stuff do you do to get better at what you do?

Healing

2012-09-06T18:02:00.001-07:00

I was pondering the use of singing as a healing modality...an activity we engage in that promotes awareness of breathing, mind, body and vibration. It encourages us to "be" in the now, in the moment, with our breath, our thoughts. It encourages us to awaken to what we think before and during the activity - and then works with us to change the ineffective thoughts. When I was tremendously shy, I lived in an unconscious, reactive way to the world around me. I had no idea what I thought or felt about anything, other than uncomfortable or scared. My scales and exercises became for me a kind of "morning pages" (Julia Cameron, Artist's Way), a way of seeing what I was thinking in the moment - and how those thoughts became intentions for my body and emotions. I thought I wasn't good enough, so my body had rounded shoulders, tension in the solar plexus, my eyes looked down instead of up, I disengaged from the world in fear. When I was able to pinpoint the "aren't you awful" thought in my mind, and refute it and replace it, then I presented myself differently to the world. I spoke clearer, I looked up, I walked stronger, I smiled as I put out my hand to greet someone new... and I was able to focus my mind on the person I was speaking to instead of on myself. My discomfort of the past became an catalyst in my wishing to put others at ease, concerned they might feel as uncomfortable in social situations as I once did.

Starting

2012-08-21T08:36:00.002-07:00

Starting. Such a simple word but... it is often the hardest thing to do. When I'm lost, or overwhelmed, creating a solution through action is sometimes a struggle. Passion for something, like your art or music or writing, might help push through the reluctance. Making a commitment to yourself to start... and take steps towards your desired goal, is easy to say. Not always easy to actually do. It seems to me that 'starting' has a reward... in that it makes you feel good. "I FINALLY did it!" If we haven't been starting because of fear, each progressive 'start' builds our courage. The trick is to keep going after that first step, and follow through. When you look forward and see the obstacles, remember that good feeling of accomplishing the start... and desire to feel it again.

Change & Surrender

2011-03-02T17:26:00.000-08:00

Looking through my writings I came across this, and it spoke to me:

I was thinking today about change. Not change that happens from external events over which we have no control. But change that occurs because we actively choose it.

Change is the result of the inspiration from within to move forward from where we are. It often requires a significant amount of work to achieve. And besides doing the leg work – of perhaps, learning a new skill, achieving a new level of knowledge, or growing into a new habit – the biggest struggle of all may come from within, from that part of us that has a vested interest in us staying the same. You can call this the “ego”, which feeds on negative energy, which takes great glee in pointing out our failures and our laziness and our tripping ups and our falling downs.

The “ego” wants us to stay the same so it can yell at us about our stuckness. The “ego” wants us to stay the same so it has evidence that we are useless, lazy, too old, too dumb, too ‘fill in the blank’. The “ego” knows that if we continue to work towards our goals, and continue to work to be more than we are, that its existence is threatened. Therefore, when we feel the deepest struggle (‘this is too hard’), the deepest frustration (I’m getting nowhere’), the deepest sadness (‘who am I kidding anyway’) and reluctance (‘what’s the point’)… that is when a major shift in consciousness is about to take place.

I know this because I have seen it time and time again in my own creative process. I know this because in the face of utter despair at ever becoming who I dreamed of being, in the profound angst of despondency, I would just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’d cry, I’d wail, and ask “what’s the point,” and then I’d get up from the couch and do what needed to be done, my face still wet with salty tears.

I think one of the major issues with this kind of thing is that we don’t know, if we put in the effort, if we will achieve anything at all. We want someone to tell us that yes, if we do the work, we will get ‘there’. But I think the truth is that no one can really tell you that. Even the experts can’t tell you if you have ‘what it takes’ to ‘fill in the blank’. They can’t because that judgment denies process. How can you tell, from looking at a stem growing from a bulb, whether it will flower?

If you come to me today for a first voice lesson, and can’t sing on key to save your life, shall I then pronounce my judgment, and Simon Cowell-like, tell you there is no hope, and that you should study accounting? Or shall I say, ‘thanks for sharing where you are. Now, let’s work on breathing.’ Shall I say, “I, as mentor, hear you as you are in this moment. I, as mentor, see a path for you to experience things differently, if you will try this, and that, and also this.” Shall I say, “this is beginning of your singing path. Allow it to be what it is, without judgment. It is what is. Trust that if you do this work, you will move forward. You will find your voice and release it.” Further, I might add, “and when your voice is released, and truly present in the moment with you, it will be beautiful.”

I can say what I say because I have been there, and I have done that work, and I have moved forward because of it. All that I am today comes from mentors and friends and my own spirit pushing and prodding me to move through the morass of despondency and disappointment and ‘lostness’ that I embodied years ago. And I firmly believe that if I can do it, anyone can do it, because there is no difference between me and anyone else.

In the final analysis, I believe it is the act of doing, the act of pushing through the reluctance, the act of picking up the pen, or the brush, or the guitar and doing something with it even if you feel it is the lousiest thing you’ve ever done… it is that act that works to defeat the ego. That’s the internal struggle to become more than you were at the start.

As if that isn’t enough, we may find an external resistance to our progress. Friends, relatives, acquaintances and colleagues may question us, or even turn away from us as we walk our path of creative growth. Julia Cameron talks about this in ‘The Artist’s Way’. Some of our harshest critics may well be those who are stuck themselves. They are critical of our attempts to grow and change because they are blocked. They, like our internal “ego,” have a vested interest in us staying stuck too. Therefore, as we take our first steps down this path of creative consciousness and skill building, we need to guard our fledgling selves. We need to protect the newly budding growth of our artist flower.

Therefore, seek out others who are on the same path, offer support and encouragement. Learn to listen as well as speak. Above all, be present in the moment whenever you can, breathe consciously, and treat yourself with respect and love. You deserve to be all that you wish to be. Anyone who truly loves the spirit in you, will love to watch as you blossom. And that, my friend, is the honest truth.

~Vikki

2010-09-20T12:57:00.001-07:00

This morning I wrote my morning pages, and then went for a walk. The usual to-do list floated through my mind.. but I tried to focus on breathing the crisp morning air and feel the sun on my face. I spend too much time at the computer, writing music, writing poetry, surfing the net…. Or at the other keyboard… writing music or helping students. I remind myself that life is more than work. In my Zen book it says be like a tree… just be… not thinking, not defining things, not creating that busyness of mind that takes us away from the now… I confess I find it hard to ‘be’ like that. My mind is always creating plans of action and reminding me of what I haven’t done, should do, am neglecting, didn’t do well, should be better at, etc etc.

How does one find a balance between the persistence required to have a successful creative life – actively doing creative things… and finding solitude and peace… letting go of the outcome. My best friend and I talked about this the other day. We said our job is to put it out there… after that… it’s out of our hands. Our job is to produce it and let it go. And learn from our missteps of course. But also to take joy in the moment, just breathing and walking, reading a good book, having a great cup of coffee in our favourite café, waking up in the middle of the night safe and warm.

I forget sometimes to remind myself how lucky I am to have the problem of writer’s block while others struggle to simply survive. I am grateful for my friends, and I am grateful for the emails and notes and posts of those who read this. I marvel at the technology that allows us to reach out and communicate with each other like this.

how I went from A to C with TAXI U

2010-08-23T10:56:00.000-07:00

Those who read Music Connection, Music & Musicians, and Recording Magazine, might have noticed an article/ad about me in the September issues. It was a pleasure to speak honestly about my experience with "TAXI U", the mentorship of TAXI and TAXI forum members... that is the foundation for my success in terms of signing music to deals.

When I joined TAXI in 2004, I had no idea how much I didn't know. I knew nothing about producing music. I thought I knew how to write really awesome country songs with excellent lyrics, though! My idea of a good song was based on my education as a classical singer singing music by composers of opera… and my love of folk songs by Carol King, Janis Ian, Joni Mitchell, and the Tysons.

I wrote epic folk songs - 6 minute long pieces with abstract lyrics - recorded worktapes on free recording software, and submitted them to TAXI, songwriting contests, and sent them to SAC (the Songwriter’s Association of Canada) for feedback. When I got the critiques, I was so angry. Really angry. What the hell was wrong with these people? Couldn’t they see I wrote outside the box, that my poetic lyrics were gems, that my meandering melodies were interesting to listen to?

I railed against the screeners and feedback givers. I called the industry homogenized. I, along with a co-writing friend, spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars getting demos cut of our infant songs. Big mistake.

When I got the rejections and ‘it’s not good enough yet’ critiques back I’d throw the feedback in a drawer and slam it shut.

But… even then… a couple days later… I’d take that paper out and read it again. I’d look at what they said and I would think, ‘hey, I can fix that.’ So I kept working and reworking on the songs… not really seeing the fact that you can rewrite a bad song a million times but that doesn’t necessarily make it a hit song. But I kept writing, rewriting, and getting feedback… and trying to learn from what I was being told.

It took two trips to LA, to TAXI’s music convention, the Road Rally, for me to really see the light. The answer, for me. It might not be the answer for everyone else. It was when I was sitting with a group of friends from the TAXI forum at Road Rally 2006 that I realized… I was in the presence of composers who were writing marketable music and who had signed that music to deals. They were writing, for the most part, instrumentals for use in film and television.

Now this was not as huge a leap as you might imagine. All the way along, while writing my epic fantasy folk songs, I had also been writing instrumentals. I used Band in Box to score the parts, and downloaded free plug-ins from the net to give them voice. I posted them on Soundclick sometimes. I had dozens of these.

I came home inspired to see if I could take those ideas and make them fly… make them acceptable to the industry. Thus began a journey of months and years to understand how to compose effectively for film and tv, to save up and buy the required computer, the required software, to make these things come alive and be considered marketable.

It was a challenge I was willing to embrace. And the rejections kept coming. But finally I got my first forward from TAXI, and my first deal. I’ve now signed more than 70 tracks to several different music industry entities, but there is much work to do and much more to learn. And many, many more tracks to write. Some will be good, some will need to be re-worked, and some will not fly commercially. But it's all grist for the mill.

taking an old road to renewal

2010-08-05T11:12:00.000-07:00

Myself and three others have gotten together, we're meeting weekly, and working through Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way". We started by just meeting to talk about our creativity and visions for ourself, then we read the introductory chapters. This week we are reading Week One and making brainstorming stickies of visions or goals we have for ourselves.

I worked through the book a few years ago with a girlfriend, it was an interesting process of self-discovery and awareness growth. I started with the idea that 'I am fairly evolved so why do I need to do this book'. I ended in a place I never expected to be.... with a new vision for my life, and doing things I hadn't done for years, like painting.

Why do it again? My sister and I used to lease horses, and every weekend we would take the same old road down by the same old stream... but week by week, we would see changes around us. The falling leaves creating a carpet, the first buds of spring, wildflowers blooming, a bird we hadn't seen before. If we had our eyes open, seeking the new or the beautiful, then we were often awarded with something magical.

Walking this path, with a book whose message resonates with me so much... I hope will aid me to move in directions old and new.

New awakening

2010-06-12T04:04:00.000-07:00

Suddenly it’s June and I wonder where the weeks have gone. I finally tidied my desk and put a few things in due date order, and the rest could go in recycle. Perhaps that’s what I’ve been doing myself, these past months… revamping. I have been lost in my thoughts. I have always spoken about the healing magic that music provided to me, how it assisted me to evolve.

In order to become as a singer, I needed to recognize how I spoke to myself, and how I was programmed. I felt sufficiently advanced in this evolution to be able to share my experiences with others as a teacher/coach. But recently I’ve found a deeply embedded part of my operating system that I hitherto was to a great extent, unaware of. I rediscovered a level of insecurity so profound I found myself collapsing a little under its weight.

This was all triggered by a brief platonic relationship with a gentleman that had some romantic overtones. When we ended it, I literally fell apart. Not over him, not really. But over the deep seated belief that I simply do not have whatever it is that I should have in order to attract and keep a partner. I’m not talking wisdom, or compassion, or respect… I’m talking physical attractiveness. Since I was a child I was judged wanting for how I looked, I was ostracized at school and criticized at home, I developed an eating disorder because of all the diets I was instructed to be on at 13 and 14 and 15. That, together with physical age and the changes that come about because of that… and there you are, sitting alone in your living room watching reruns of Seinfeld. I became aware, in that time of dating, how much reassurance I need from moment to moment, and how much I am willing to give up of myself in order to get it. I thought I had moved on from that place.

But… perhaps it was time that I see this part of me. As I always tell my students, the first step to any change is first, awareness. I am slowly finding my way again.

Be Your Own Guru ;)

2010-02-12T14:16:00.000-08:00

Let’s talk about love for a minute. Of course Valentine’s Day is upon us, but I’m not going be discussing romantic love. Rather, a deep and abiding appreciation for the most important person in your life – you.

Recently I’ve been telling my students that when they go home and practice, that they need to be their own ‘good teacher’, and look for what is good in what they are doing, as well as what needs work.

Often the first thing we do while performing an exercise or song is criticize ourselves. We pick out all the things we feel we are not doing right, and we proceed to beat ourselves up in the moment because we aren’t doing them. We make a face. Our body language says we’re frustrated or disappointed. We tell ourselves – and any audience – “this isn’t any good” or “sorry this isn’t working” or “what’s the point?” or “who am I kidding.” Our voice and body then responds to those thoughts, and the voice feels tighter, the breath feels shorter, the throat feels more closed, the heart is less likely to want to express.

Well guess what? That’s EXACTLY how I felt going into social situations for many years! I’d be thinking “I can’t think of anything to say,” and “they’re going to think I’m stupid,” and “why did I EVER say I would come to this thing,” and (worst of all), “they are going to think I am BORING.” And guess what happened? Since all I could think about was how boring I was and how awkward I felt, I looked and sounded awkward, like I didn’t want to be there, like I didn’t want to be talking to whoever I was talking to. Bet that helped them feel good about talking to me, huh?

But I don’t blame myself for feeling that way. I want to be my own good teacher so I can look at that and say… ‘well, wait a minute. I did have friends. I did have great conversations. I read the newspaper and books, and discussed new trends in science or shared stories I thought were interesting. I was a good cook, and people appreciated my meals or my potluck dish. Yes, I often felt awkward and shy. That’s okay. I’ve got the awareness now to see how I was thinking then, how my own thoughts and fears created that dynamic. And I can work to be more conscious of how I talk to myself in social situations.’

Another thing I talk about with my students is confidence. People will often tell a shy singer, ‘well, just get up there and be confident, then you’ll be okay.’ But a shy person doesn’t know HOW to ‘be’ confident. They can’t just turn on the ‘confidence’ switch. They may understand the concept, but they can’t see how they will ever, ever do it.

I remember working with this wonderful vocal coach (Bliss Johnston) who had been assistant conductor at the Metropolitan Opera and who had worked with all kinds of big names, including Pavarotti, Domingo and others. I was very nervous, even though she was very modest, sweet and encouraging. I was absolutely terrified with all my extraordinary teachers, and she was no exception. I was standing next to the grand piano, looking at her, after singing something. Bliss said to me, “Vikki, you must sing from a calm centre.” I heard what she said. I understood what she meant. But having a ‘calm centre’ seemed totally impossible to me. I’d never had one and I couldn’t imagine getting one, not ever. Never. Can’t be done.

But I own a calm centre now. That calm centre gives me confidence. It tells me, ‘whatever happens, you can handle it. You’ll figure it out.’ How did I get it?

I’ll tell you. When I started singing lessons, I had no idea I was going to learn how to live in a more conscious way. But slowly, over time, I learned that I had to observe my thoughts in the moment, while I was singing. I learned that one cannot erase negative thoughts, but one can replace them with more effective thoughts. So day by day, as I practiced my singing, I observed how I talked to myself. I practiced thinking specific, positive thoughts that instantly transformed into positive action. When I was able to think effectively, I felt and sounded better. Hmmm.

Julia Cameron, author of The Artist's Way, calls our negative thoughts ‘blurts.’ She says we should listen for them, and write them down. I think that’s a good exercise. Follow that up answering them back, or replacing them with new thoughts. Every time the voice in my head tells me, "you're SO lazy," I start listing off all the things I did today (taught my students, went to the bank, got groceries, updated my weekly schedule, worked on that new song, wrote my blog).

I remember going to my very first ‘tweet-up’ (a meet-up of local twitterers) last year. I’d been invited a couple of times, but felt my usual reluctance in going to a social event, especially when I didn’t know anyone. The first time I went, it was a bit awkward, I didn’t know what to say, I felt a little out of place. But I went back again, and sure enough, there I was chatting with other people and really enjoying myself. Pretty soon I was the one making someone new feel comfortable. Hmmmm.

In all my shy years, when I was at a social event, I can’t remember ever thinking about what I could do for someone else. In fact, I imagined that everyone else felt perfectly comfortable, that they knew what to say, and how to be. I was the odd one, I figured. The Alien. The one who bushed uncomfortably if anyone spoke to her. The one who sat in a corner next to the potted plant, nursing a drink with a smile pasted on her face, wishing someone would talk to her but equally terrified that someone might talk to her. Cause then she’d have to make conversation.

Now I actually enjoy talking to people! They are interesting. They are vibrant. They are just like me, but not like me. I am alright when they are with me. If I can’t think of anything to say, I ask them something about themselves. If I stumble over my words, they’ll understand. If I express an opinion that differs from theirs, that’s okay. Variety is the spice of life. If I notice myself telling myself I’m boring, I replace that thought with something else. If I notice myself feeling nervous, I acknowledge it, and breathe. If I reach the end of my coping strength, then I gracefully leave, knowing I need some space to regroup. And that’s okay. As my own best friend, I need to support myself in whatever I am doing, and acknowledge when it is time to rest, or when I’ve had enough.

Singing taught me to be aware. To observe my thoughts. Singing taught me I could change how I thought, and therefore change the results.

I still have old programming and ways of thinking that I struggle with. That’s my journey, and likely always will be, to grow in further awareness and try to move beyond the deeply embedded ways in which I look at myself. Yet I am grateful for the consciousness that allows me to see the many steps I have taken in the right direction, while acknowledging much of the path is still in front of me. I strive to treat myself with respect and love.

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FAWMing – this month I’m participating in “February is Album Writing Month” – a personal songwriting challenge to write at least 14 songs in 28 days [www.fawm.org]. I’m posting my worktapes and rough sketches on my website as I work, you can check them out @ www.vikkiflawith.com.

practicing practicing

2010-02-10T13:04:00.000-08:00

Am I special? Of course I am. I’m unique. But I’m human. I often tell a student, “If I can do it, you can do it. Because there’s no difference between you and me. The secret is to do the work.”

One of the writers I read is “Copyblogger” and today his email was particularly attention grabbing because he was asking something really important. He was asking… do you do more than read? He was saying, if you read an article and then start thinking about twittering or balancing your budget or getting your website organized, and you start – that’s great. But he pointed out that most of us do not follow through. A couple of weeks go by and there are no tweets, we've not organized the receipts, our website has nothing new to offer.

The reason I am having success now as a composer is that I’ve followed through. It’s been a long uphill climb, it’s taken years of effort in understanding, in practice, in trying. I was telling someone yesterday, that yes, I landed two deals in two weeks… but inbox is littered with rejections as well. Perhaps the music didn’t fit the bill, perhaps the music needs work, perhaps I have more to learn, and more skill to gain. So even if I sign that contract today, I still have to work at creating more music that I am proud to call my own, and still try to learn new skills even though it seems impossible that I will ever ‘get’ it, and I also have to earn enough money to pay my rent, hydro and internet hosting at the same time.

I talk to my students about practice. Not just practicing singing, which is of course valuable. But more importantly, practicing practicing. Because it’s our daily walk on the path, it’s our daily filling in the form, it’s our sitting down and planning the week, sorting out where we will put our energy and when. With lots of time left over to sit and dream.

How will you begin. How will you stay the course, in spite of doubts and all the curve balls that come your way? Will you still be on that path a few weeks from now?

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Being prepared pays off! Recently, because I was working through Ariel Hyatt’s book (Music Success in Nine Weeks), I revamped my film/tv website, added my newly developed ‘pitch statement’, made sure my samples were up to date, and had some composer friends check it over. Today I got an email from a music library I signed with a couple months ago… they wanted a bio and information on what kind of music I write… because there is an opportunity coming up for Canadian composers. I was able, within minutes, to send them my newly minted bio and a link to my site. They've forwarded my information to the person handling the opp. I’m SO GLAD I was ready!

taking stock

2010-02-07T20:27:00.000-08:00

LIGHTBULB MOMENT
Money. Yeah. Well, they are having a marathon of this Canadian show called “Til Debt to Us Part.” Gail Vaz-Oxlade helps couples who are overspending and deep in debt to sort themselves out. I like this show a lot. I’ve watched it before and made budgets etc., but today something clicked and I realized… if I want to pay my debt off in 3 years, then I need to take the total I owe, and divide it by 36 months, and get “X”. Then, I need to make minimum payments on everything. Then, I need to take that “X” amount and use it to pay down something.

This is a huge realization to me. I have been trying to pay things down, but I put a little bit extra on everything every month. I try not to use credit but some business expenses have to go on the cards – and I need to pay those off right away.

She said something else on a show that resonated with me. She said, when you call to check the balance on your credit card, you likely aren’t calling to see how much you need to pay off. You’re calling to see how much money you can spend. Guilty as charged.

It’s funny how I’ve been thinking about this and I plan a budget every month but never really thought about simply dividing my debt by 36 months and then making that my extra payment. Things will be tight if I do that… but I know I will feel so much better when I can get this debt off my plate. It’s left over from the time I thought ‘oh, I’ll pay this later when I have more money.’ Well, guess what, you don’t have the money later cause you’ve already spent it. Duh.

FINISHED ARIEL’S BOOK
As mentioned before in this blog, I’ve been working my way through Ariel Hyatt’s “Music Success in Nine Weeks.”

I’m still a little stuck on Chapter 8 (Creating a Continuing Program) though. Somewhat. As a composer, I have to think differently about marketing myself. I need a short, to-the-point bio. I asked composer friends to check out the text on my film/tv site and give me their feedback on how I’ve set it up. I took their suggestions and made some adjustments, I think it reads well now. This past week I contacted a music library to ask for permission to submit, but included my website address in my signature. They liked what they heard and offered me a deal. Whoop!

Over the past few days, several more people have signed up for my newsletter, and I continue to enjoy interaction with those who comment on my blog.

Branching out beyond blogging or a monthly newsletter? I try to think what I have to offer, how I can help. What I have that’s special, I think, is my experience as a mentor to aspiring singers, and what I’ve learned from my own journey as a shy person, and as a evolving artist. I want to write more about these things. I might try writing an ebook. I have the skills to do that. I worked for a life coach a while ago, and assisted her in designing an ebook.

Still, Ariel should be proud of me. She discusses ‘Traditional PR’ in Chapter 9. This weekend I wrote and submitted a press release to local newspaper regarding participating in FAWM (February is Album Writing Month/write 14 songs in 28 days). Beyond that, I thought the information about publicity in this chapter was very thorough. I liked her advice to be patient and persevere, and remember to follow-up! It says that in the Indie Bible too – don’t just send your CD to radio stations, but follow-up in a timely manner. At the same time, be gracious and understand that people on the other end are busy trying to do their jobs. I will return to this chapter again when I have an event to publicize – like the visual art show I’ll be part of at the end of August.

At the end of “Music Success in Nine Weeks,” Ariel lists 20 critical web sites for musicians. I’ve signed up for several. She also has included a ‘dictionary’ of terms for musicians, new words we need to know, like “blogosphere”. This blog is part of that universe.

WHAT WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO KNOW?
Since you read my blog… I wonder, what information could I put in an ebook that would be fun or inspiring to read about? What obstacles do you face in pursuing your vision? (Do you have a vision?)

SEVEN DOWN DOWN, SEVEN TO GO
I continue to write tracks for FAWM [www.fawm.org]. With this latest deal, I have run out of unsigned tracks, so writing 14 songs (or more) songs in 28 days came at just the right time to boot me in the arse and get me going to create more!

What have you been up to?

3 down, 11 to go

2010-02-03T23:42:00.001-08:00

Ah, well I think I should mention that it’s February. I love February, cause February means “FAWM”. And what is FAWM? FAWM is “February is Album Writing Month” which sounds very spooky and scary. It’s not really writing an “album” (although some do), it’s writing ‘an album’s worth’ of songs. Fourteen to be precise. Fourteen songs in 28 days is the goal.

The first time I tried this, I think I managed about two songs in the month, lol. The next year, I wrote about 6 or 7, and then I felt… there’s no way I can write anything else. And then I managed to get to 11. And then I thought, very seriously, there’s nothing left. No ideas, no thoughts, nothing. Hopeless. But somehow I got to the end of the month and had 15 song ideas or instruments sketched out and posted on my FAWM page. If it hadn’t been for the challenge, I never would have tried to push against that block.

Not everything I write is earth shatteringly good either. And that’s kinda the point. A whole boatload of creative types collectively join in the madness known as FAWM and write songs about all manner of things. I find that community to be tremendously inspiring and fun. I go to look at what other people are coming up with, and I marvel at their unique perspective, their individual turn of phrase, the creative way they use voice, instrument, odd sounds, effects, etc when recording their worktapes.

As I go to bed today, Feb 3rd, I’ve completed two spooky instrumentals and one song. I have the lyrics and melody for another that I’ll record tomorrow. It’s funny cause before Feb 1st I felt very uninspired and wasn’t sure how I would fair as the month began. What changed? Maybe just jumping in the deep end with everyone else made it feel like fun. Or maybe I just pushed through that ‘no ideas’ block again. Thanks FAWM.

If you want to join in:
http://www.fawm.org

And my first track is here:
http://www.reverbnation.com/tunepak/2339403

You can't move forward without falling down ;)

2010-01-31T18:04:00.000-08:00

If you read my blog now & then you know I’ve been reading Ariel Hyatt’s “Music Success in Nine Weeks.” I began to do this because she was running a blogging contest, and who wouldn’t want to win some help with publicity. Although I’d still like to come in first, I’ve found working through the book is valuable in and of itself. I did go through it in a dilatory sort of way a dozen months ago, made some notes, made a few changes. But anything that required a more thorough application of elbow grease was pushed aside.

Now I'm working through it again, I find I am more focused in my goals. I have made some changes. I am writing my newsletter again, I am exploring ways to made my blog more visible on-line, I’ve found more communities to participate in. I’ve been more proactive in thinking about who I am, what I do, and what I want to say about it.

I am often asked for advice on how to be more successful in the music industry. I guess people look at me as someone who has a secret, or who knows the right people, or who was born under the right star. Ha. Nothing could be further from the truth. I spent the better part of my life going in circles, digging deep ruts, walking backwards, falling flat on my face. But somehow I found a way.

The first truth that I’ve come to know is that any change that you desire is, in most cases, possible. Achievable. Dreams can come true, goals can be reached, visions can be actualized. The second truth I’ve come to know is that getting from where you are to where you want to be ain’t easy. That’s why many of us talk about writing songs, or books, or getting out the art supplies, etc. Talk.

Cause in order to get where you want to go… you have to know where you are. You have pinpoint your location on a map so you can see which route to take. I tell my students, that means… accepting. Accepting where you are. 'I am here. I have no skills, I have no idea, I have no money. I do have, this burning desire, I do have, these good friends, I do have, a mind. I can read books (from the library). I can look things up on line (in the library). I can borrow resources, I can ask people who are doing it how they got where they are. I can find mentors, people who will support me with feedback and advice.'

Most of all, you can find the time to put in the time. If you want to write, that means you have to write. It costs next to nothing to write. You can write on cheap paper you bought at the dollar store, you can write on you computer. If you want to draw then you buy a sketch book and pencils and you fill up both sides of the paper on every page til the book is full. If you want to sing then you get up every day and sing scales and songs.

I'd start, and then stop. I stumbled, I fell, I got lost, I screwed up, but somehow I found a way forward.

Slowly, over time, I have evolved. I thought this ‘transcendance’ was impossible for me. I felt, I didn’t have ‘it’. I felt useless, unworthy, hopeless, lazy. Why bother. Who was I kidding. Just wash dishes for a living, collect your pay, read a few books, dream a few dreams, til it’s over. Don’t rock the boat, don’t give yourself airs, do the ‘right’ and ‘prescribed’ thing. Don’t colour outside the lines.

Screw that.

So today I’m a fully fledged creative. I get up every day and do music, not dishes (lol). I don’t clean motel rooms for a living (don’t clean my bedroom either). I’m a self-educated person. I write, I sing, I paint, I compose, I blog. I went from being so terrified that I literally stammered when saying ‘how are you’ to being able to speak to a ballroom full of people, sing opera on stage, and chat with people at music conferences, tweet-ups, open mic nights, and more. Ask me how I did that, I will try to answer. Ask me how you can do that, I will try to answer. But I suspect you already know: figure out where you are, figure out where you want to be, and set out to do what you need to do, learn what you need to learn, practice what you need to practice, to take baby steps towards your dream.

So, how does a shy singer learn to sing without shyness? How does one foster confidence when your knees are so weak from fear you can't stand up?

By starting where you are, not denying, not judging, but accepting. 'I am so shy, I’m terrified to even walk into a voice studio, never mind open my mouth. But with the right teacher, maybe I’ll figure out how to do that. I have to. Even if I crawl in cause I can't stand up. I have to. Cause I don’t want to spend another day not singing.'

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FREE DOWNLOAD: I have a newsletter I send out once a month, that talks about what I’m up to, what I’ve been thinking about, what music I’m writing, what projects I’m engaged in, what’s popped up that I find interesting, informative or inspiring. It’s an extension of my blog that comes direct to your email box. And, if you sign up, you get a free download of one of my most popular songs. Here’s the link:
Sign-up here

Creative Connections

2010-01-23T13:52:00.000-08:00

I hope this is interesting reading. I’m blogging about ‘Social Networking’ as I blog my way through Ariel Hyatt’s book. I’m really glad I signed up to do this as I feel just the act of reading the book and thinking of ways to use the information has been helpful, and it’s prompted me to take action. And IMO, anything that makes us 'do' instead of 'talking about doing' is worth it.

In Chapter 4 of “Music Success in Nine Weeks” Ariel suggests researching 50 blogs that might be interested in reviewing your music. Since I’m not really, at the moment, pitching myself as an artist with music to be reviewed, I put that aside. But it did make think about how I could broaden my internet presence. So I tried to be creative in my approach.

I looked for blogs on shyness, read several, and I added a couple to my blogroll. I sent notes to the authors to let them know I’d visited, and was impressed enough with their information and philosophy to include them on my resource list.

I also rewrote some older blog posts, then set-up an account, and submitted two articles to Ezinearticles.com, @ http://ezinearticles.com/?expert_bio=Vikki_Flawith So far one has been accepted and published.

I had added my blog to http://www.mybloglog.com when I first read Ariel’s book, but I wasn’t keeping up to date. I revisited my account and updated my information. I added the widget to my blog as well.

I’ve been on twitter for some time now, and I’m active in the local twitter community. I attend “tweet-ups” once or twice a month, local tweeps have attended some of my gigs, and I was pleased to participate as a performer in a ‘twestival’ fund-raising event last fall. I also noticed that I’m now on 116 lists on twitter, mostly as a blogger. http://www.twitter.com/vikkiflawith

I have a flickr account and had uploaded some pix to it earlier last year, but hadn’t posted anything new recently. I took a picture of a drawing I did and uploaded it to my account @ http://www.flickr.com/people/vikkif and then posted the link to twitter and facebook.

I applied to canadiantalentfarm@me.com to be on the site.

I added my blog to www.blogcatalog.com and posted a widget on my blog to keep track of visits.

On to Chapter 5, then. Ariel says we need to think of ourselves as a commodity. I think that’s hard for many of us. We don’t want to be ‘marketing’ or ‘selling’. Yet we have these things we spend time, money and energy to create that we would like people to be interested in. Our music, our gigs, our books, our creative mentoring sessions, our voice lessons, etc. Ariel talks about creating relationships with fans, which is what I try to do. I’ve been blogging and sending out (occasional) newsletters for quite a while, and I have yet to ask anyone to buy anything. I might share where I’m playing or what I’m working on, or what I’ve learned. I haven’t been very good at keeping up with the newsletter distribution, I’ve focused almost exclusively on blogging. I have resolved to send out a newsletter once a month, just chatting about my journey, about what I’ve recently published in my blog.

Now, if you sign up for my fan list on reverbnation, you receive a free download of my song, “Wilted Heart”. And that means you’ll get the occasional newsletter from me. I had some nice emails back from several people after I sent out the January newsletter. I like that.

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*To get your own copy of Ariel's book: "Music Success in Nine Weeks"

*Want to be on my newsletter list? Add yourself here! Add me.

*Learn more about me and my story @: http://www.vikkiflawith.com

*If you're interested in getting some assistance with finding, managing and maintaining your creativity: http://www.theshysinger.com

What I've gained from Social Networking

2010-01-17T12:25:00.000-08:00

One of the best things I did over the past four or five years was find mentors in marketing. I’d come across someone in my travels, and I’d check out the resources they offered. Like Bob Baker and his ‘Guerrilla Marketing for Song Writers, Musicians and Bands’. Like Debra Russell and her ‘Artist’s Edge’. Like Ariel Hyatt and ‘CyberPR’. When I find someone like this, I sign up for their newsletter.

I find good mentors provide a lot of free information in their newsletters, podcasts, seminars, etc. I make it a point to gather as much intel as I can from what they are telling me. I’d do things as simple as… look at the bottom of Bob’s newsletter, where he provides links to where he can be found on-line. One day I saw ‘twitter’ listed there. I clicked on it, saw his twitter page… and signed up for twitter myself. I had no idea what twitter would do for me, but I figured, if Bob’s on twitter, I need to be on twitter. When I look at Ariel’s information and she says she’s on ‘Flickr’, then I go to flickr and sign up. What’s interesting as well, is that I am likely just the sort of person they write those newsletters for, because not only do I follow their advice… but I also, when I want to have more resources, purchase products and/or services from each of them. They are demonstrating good marketing to me… and I’m buying it, lol.

This week I continued to work through Ariel Hyatt’s “Music Success in Nine Weeks". I read chapter 3 (optimizing your website) and chapter 4 (musicians web 2.0 guide). I have two different websites, one for myself as an artist, and one for myself as a composer, and the market for each site is naturally quite different. Ariel has some really good suggestions on what to do and what not to do with your website, and how to manage contact with your fans.

I transferred my artist fan list to Reverbnation in 2009, after hearing Ariel speak at a songwriting event. I’d known I needed to do it for a while but I’d avoided doing it cause I knew it would be a pain. I had a list of some email addresses in Excel on my computer, I had others listed on-line in an old newsletter server that I’d used, and I had others coming in on my hostbaby email sign up. I had to amalgamate all 3 lists and make sure that no-one was being duplicated. Then I had to send out a note to everyone and ask them to sign up with my new list manager, Reverbnation. Some did, some didn’t. So I lost a few. But it’s done now and working better. (By the way, IMO Reverbnation is one of the best sites around for indie musicians. I use it to host my fanlist, to send out my newsletter, to facilitate free downloads, to create ‘tunepaks’, to post my shows, etc. It’s great at tracking your stats, and it provides widgets you can put on your blog, etc. I’m really glad I heard about it.)

I started writing this blog ages ago… not sure if anyone would care to read it. I just wanted to share my process. In my mind, this is an extension of my teaching role. When I work with my students, I talk to them about my past, what I’ve learned, what I’m working on, how I’m working on it, what I’ve experienced, what I think about. There’s a million voice teachers out there, the one thing that I have that’s different from anyone else, is me and my story. So I marry good healthy vocal technique with the idea that we can grow beyond our programming if we are willing to take a conscious journey and explore our own potential. I am the shy singer, who grew beyond her shyness, by striving to free her voice. Singing was the catalyst for my emancipation.

In addition to blogging, I participate in several songwriting forums. I’ve learned so much from being part of a greater community of musicians, artists, composers and writers. I’ve reviewed other people’s work, I’ve had feedback on my own, I’ve soaked up information on the music industry, been warned about scams and sharks, and heard about upcoming events. I still participate now with the goal of networking with others and also to pass along what I have learned. What’s really neat is that over time I have developed relationships with quite a few talented, interesting and creative musician-types. I love it when I get to see some of them live and in person when I attend songwriting events or conferences -- or local "tweet-ups". Yes, it takes time to maintain this level of networking, but it has brought to much to my life. I have a huge ‘tribe’ of friends who love what I love, and we support each other in the journey. That’s what ‘web 2.0’ means to me. Interacting with these friends, meeting new ones, sharing what I know, feeling grateful for those who give so generously of their time & expertise to help me in what I’m doing.

I posted this on Facebook today: “I have a list of promises to myself on my fridge, and at the bottom in big letters I have: "I PROMISE MYSELF I WILL NEVER GIVE UP". On my bulletin board over my computer I have my 2010 goals posted... and I've written to the side, in felt pen, "Live the Dream"... it's easy to get bogged down in the day to day 'who am I kidding' struggle. Sometimes I have to step back and look at the big picture. See how far I've come, how much I've learned, and how my slow, sometimes faltering steps have brought me here, to this place of musical living. Then I am grateful, and resolve to perservere.”

Who am I when I am?

2010-01-08T22:51:00.000-08:00

Oh boy, what a struggle. Yep, I’m talking about Chapter Two of Ariel Hyatt’s “Music Success in Nine Weeks” It’s a tough one. It’s called ‘Your Perfect Pitch’, and it’s about figuring out who you are as an artist or writer or whatever, and putting it into a few succinct words. I’ve done this very successfully as a voice teacher (long to sing, but too shy to try?). I can get my head around what I might say about my vocal music (Enya meets Loreena McKennitt crossed with Bjork). But when it comes to my instrumental tracks, I felt stymied.

I wear more than one hat in this creative world of mine. I dabble in a lot of things. I teach singing, I write songs, I write music for film and television. I’m also a visual artist, and I like to write as well. I plan to record an album this year, so I’ll need to work on marketing for that. I pitch music to music libraries and music publishers. I attend music conferences, I have websites, business cards, I meet other artists, composers, songwriters, etc. Refining a phrase that describes who I am as a composer makes sense to me. But I just couldn’t figure out what that might be.

Finally I got the idea that I’d go and see what some TAXI screeners said about my work. I looked up my submission history and made a note of words that they’d used to describe the impressions they had of my tracks. I did some searching through an on-line thesaurus, and made a list of words I thought might be a fit. I also looked up the details of listings I’d been forwarded to, searching for composer names that might have been included in the specifics. Then I went and listened to some of the composers.

I came up with these phrases:

Vikki Flawith: Innovative compositions for film & television. Modern orchestral, ambient world, quirky electronica. Avant garde inventor meets domesticated cat. Thomas Newman crossed with Tiny Tim. Colourful, inventive, unique.

I choose Thomas Newman because I write orchestral mixed with contemporary percussion and synths/sounds. I choose Tiny Tim because he’s funny (strange?), and that describes the avant-garde and often quirky part of what I do. It’s like “serious” meets “oddly engaging” = Vikki Flawith. Lol

I had to go to http://www.15secondpitch.com and fill in the forms within the allotted time.

I ended up with: “My name is Vikki Flawith and I am a composer specializing in film and television. I write modern orchestral, ambient world, & quirky electronica. I'm like Thomas Newman crossed with Tiny Tim. Contact me if you're seeking innovative music for video, film, commercials, or tv shows.”

I also had to email that to Ariel – let you know what she said!

how will I grow in 2010?

2009-12-31T14:10:00.000-08:00

Ariel Hyatt, author of (among other things) “Music Success in Nine Weeks” has a CyberPR blogging contest running and I thought participating would be a good way to start the new year off right.

Step one of the contest is to buy the book. I already had it – I’d purchased it at a music conference in late 2008. I’d gone through it then and done some of the things she recommends. But that was months ago and I think it’s a grand idea have another look. Get motivated, think clearly, be the architect of my own success.

Step two of the contest is to blog your experience as you work through the book. So here I go.

Well, even though I’d read the book before and I know I had worked on various things in it… I really liked reading the first chapter again. “Getting Mentally Prepared” talks about creating visions and goals for the next year and for your lifetime. I like Ariel’s idea of getting away from the computer and creating a vision board for yourself with colours and shapes. The act of physically writing something down seems to keep it in my mind longer. I work better if I have my tasks and goals outlined and in front of me. I spent some time thinking about the chapter and thinking about my goals for 2010.

Over the course of the year I will:

~CONTINUING EDUCATION 2010
-work through Ariel Hyatt’s “Music Success in Nine Weeks” book
-complete the tutorials for Cubase Studio 5
-take lessons/learn a new instrument (perhaps violin)
-learn the fingering for flute, oboe, trumpet & sax on my wind controller
-work through Robin Fredericks “Shortcuts to Hit Songwriting” book
-participate in Bob Baker’s “Advanced Music Marketing” course

~BUSINESS 2010
-work through David Allen’s “Getting Things Done” again
-get a safety deposit box for back-up discs & paperwork
-establish good routines
-be the best teacher/mentor I can be
-keep timesheets for each track I work on
-keep track of time spent on various tasks so can streamline
-at the end of each day, write down 5 successes for that day; and write down 6 tasks to do the following day to assist in moving towards my goals (this is from Ariel’s book)

~MUSIC COMPOSITION 2010
-write and sign 100 tracks
-write/record/produce my first LOTR-inspired album
-catch-up or bow out of outstanding co-writes due to pressures of work

~LIFESTYLE 2010
-swim 3 or more times per week
-eat healthy
-stay in touch with family & friends
-travel
-keep up with the house
-get that dental work done

~MONEY 2010
-pay off 2 more debts
-save for travel & business needs
-make $2,000 from music placements

~VISUAL ART 2010
-work on artwork for late summer show
-attend life drawing regularly for inspiration & practice

~WRITING 2010
-keep up with my blog
-keep a file of ideas and musings for my book

Ariel also suggests coming up with lifetime goals, and I wrote several down, things like: be debt free by 2012; write one or more books based on what I teach; write & produce several albums; have 200 tracks signed by middle of 2012; be on TV; have music in films I adore; overcome past programming and SHINE; work to be a well-respected composer; be a good friend. I suppose I could add it's my dream to spend a month in Paris, just renting a place & taking in the ambience; and spend a month in Florence doing the same; and be able to winter in California & spring/summer/fall at home ;)

dance in the elevator

2009-12-14T11:58:00.000-08:00

“When did you start studying voice,” one of my students asked me this week. She’s feeling anxious about an upcoming birthday (we seem to be especially aware of any number ending in “0”).

I took my first lesson in 1990. But I wonder about saying, “I started ____.” Because that implies at some point you’ll say, “I ended ____.” Some things do end, of course, like university, or college, a job, or relationship. But creative things don’t end unless we stop doing them.

Still, I know how much I’ve grieved the passage of time and the little I’ve had to show for some of it. That’s one reason why I try to work hard on my dreams now.

Yesterday is yesterday, and, therefore, as far as we know, gone. For all our wishes and grief, there is no way we can relive it, except in our memories and dreams. Our regrets may be many but, like Scrooge in Dicken’s ‘Christmas Carol’, we can resolve to go forward with a different attitude. The past can motivate us to use our time better in the future.

I only have to spend a day in the company of my lively and active 87-year-old mother to know that lamenting my age now is a waste of energy. It is what it is. I can lie about it, but I can’t change the number of years I’ve lived. What I can change is my attitude about it. And I’ll tell you one thing for certain: the spirit inside you doesn’t age.

So I resolve to start every day. I strive to grow beyond my programming. I compare my unhappiness with those who are homeless, or sick, or those who live in war torn countries. I am grateful for the gifts that I have been given. No matter how ‘old’ or ‘young’ I am, I can walk my path, live my dreams as best I can, picking myself up and dusting myself off whenever I fall.

We can’t change the past, our mistakes, the good and the bad. Our lives are a series of startings, and IMHO the important thing is to start and keep starting, no matter how old we are, or what happened in the past. Courage is not an absence of fear, it is walking bravely into the unknown or struggling to overcome our issues and reprogram ourselves. It is possible for human beings to grow and change. The challenge is to do the work.

Let’s all resolve to make 2010 the year that we begin, and keep beginning. So that we feel we have not given our time to external things without supporting the creative spirit within. Find time to play, and to create, and to laugh, and to reach out to those around us with a smile or a helping hand. To vision our lives effectively and to keep working on our dreams, even if it is only in moments stolen from our other responsibilities. Sing in the shower, doodle on our to-do lists, dance in the elevator, drum on our desks, read poetry on the bus. It’s never too late.

Practicing process

2009-11-25T11:52:00.000-08:00

One of the reasons I write this blog is to share my process. I think it’s important that I share the ups and downs, the imperfect and the better than imperfect, the struggle, the slow baby steps towards achievement. In my opinion, success is built on a foundation of practice. Not perfection, not necessary production, but practice.

It seems to me there are some vital aspects of achieving change in our lives.

One: to assess where we are – good and bad. The “morning pages” suggested by Julia Cameron have this function. A daily practice of writing three pages of stream-of-consciousness whatever’s-in-my-brain leads to something. It gets the crap, the worry, the guck, the messy stuff out of our brain and down on the page. And it connects us to the creative flow. It does so, because it is something we do.

Over time, as we write what we feel, think, worry, we start to see patterns. I did something about my financial situation after writing about money worries every single day for three months. I set up a budget and I got a consolidation loan. I got tired of singing the same song and changed it!

And, I was surprised, after several weeks of morning pages, to realize that, for the first time in my life, I was hearing my own inner voice. It had been squashed and ignored for so long (because what everyone else wants, needs and thinks is waayyyyy more important, right?) it was very very quiet and I had to strain to hear it. How can I go on to #2 below if I can’t hear my own voice or assess my own feelings about what I’d like to do with the time that I’ve been gifted with?

Two: to visualize where we would like to go. This can be fairly general – “I’d like to have more creativity in my life,” “I’d like to be in better physical shape.” Or it can be specific – “I’d like to make that trip to Italy I’ve always dreamed of,” “I’d like to get back to playing the guitar,” “I’d like to take a photography course,” “I’d like to be more confident as a speaker.” The list is endless. Morning pages (and doing the tasks in ‘The Artist’s Way’) allow us to spill out our dreams and visions and fears. Because we’re in the flow every morning, before we go out to face the world, we touch base with the most important person in our lives, our best friend – ourselves.

Three: to begin the action(s) that will take us there. This is the crucial step. One of the reasons I like recommending morning pages is that it is action. It is a ‘do’. It’s too easy to read self-help books and talk to therapists and talk to friends. Change only happens through work, through struggle. We begin, not knowing how long it will take, or if it will work, or even where we will end up. But we begin, and we continue to begin, every single day. All those beginnings, in time, lead us. We find out more, we experience, our daily process is part of the quality of our lives. We do. We are in motion.

Four: to be conscious of what we say to ourselves along the way. We need to recognize that much of what our internal editor tells us is a feedback loop created by a part of us that thrives on negativity, stress, anger and frustration. This entity within us has a vested interest in us not changing, therefore, no matter what we do, it says bad things. “You’re too old,” “they’re just being nice,” “that was crap,” “who do you think you’re kidding,” “you may have done it once, but you’ll never do it again.” If we are not aware of what we say to ourselves, we run the risk of shutting down, turning off, stopping. The act of morning pages, and the act of taking up the threads of things we desire to do, these acts help us defeat the voice within.

Five: find joy in the little things along the way. Be awake and really taste that first cup of coffee. Be awake and smell the tang of the sea in the air when you walk to work. Notice the colours of the trees. If, on our way to work, we are in our ‘heads’, thinking about the day ahead, worrying about something that might happen, remembering what happened yesterday… then we are not in the present moment. But our body reacts to those thoughts as though they are happening – and we get stressed out. Returning to the ‘now’ is as simple as stopping to take a deep breath, and really being aware of that breath in and out. This is also something we can practice over the course of the day.

Morning pages, conscious breathing, conscious attention, visioning our lives and then taking steps towards that vision, these are how we practice process.

“As we are creative beings, our lives become our works of art.” ~ Julia Cameron

embracing slow growth

2009-11-21T11:42:00.000-08:00

I’ve always been the slow and steady type. It takes me a long time to get things into my head, and an even longer time to make positive changes in my life. It seems to me that’s the way it has to be. Change happens, over time, as we take action towards our goals. If it happens too fast, it might not stick because we don’t have the foundational experience to support it. If it happens too fast, it might traumatize us because we haven’t built the strength to manage it. Personally, I think it’s better to practice 15 minutes a day consistently, than practice 3 hours once a week. It’s the daily application that moves us forward.

I have the philosophy that as I practice today, I might not see or feel any changes. The fact that I practiced today might not help me next week. But the fact that I practiced today, added with all the other todays I practiced, will make a huge difference 6 months from now.

A perfect example of this is my composing and production skills. Honestly, I knew next to nothing about producing in November 2006. I was sitting at a music conference with some people I had met on a songwriting forum, and I realized that I was talking to people who actually made money with their music. You wouldn’t know their names, but you’ve probably heard their music on shows like America’s Next Top Model, Ugly Betty, CSI, talk shows, etc. I decided, since I wanted to make money with my music too, that I needed to do what they were doing.

Up to then, I had been writing some instrumentals, but had very little in the way of tools or equipment to make them sound good. I wrote my instrumentals as midi with my keyboard or as notation in Band in a Box, and then used free Virtual Instrument (VI’s) plug-ins I downloaded off the internet to create the sounds. I wrote all kinds of stuff this way, but it didn’t have any hope of going anywhere.

After I got home from that conference, I bought my first orchestral program – East West Silver. It was one small section of the orchestra, and all I could afford. It was my Christmas present to myself. The problem was… the computer I had couldn’t run it.

I got a graphic design project, working with my sister, to design a textbook for a local college. I was pretty pissed, actually, to find myself working on it on Christmas Day because of issues with the client getting information and documentation to us. However, that contract, when it paid in January, was just enough to buy the custom-built audio computer that I needed.

After that, every couple of months, as I saved up the money, I added to my sound library. And during that time, I played and played and played and wrote and wrote and wrote. Many of my compositions, even with the new sounds, were still rejected for various reasons. I kept working at it and kept trying, and kept practicing. My hard drive is littered with tracks created and mixed during the next two years. I did produce some acceptable tracks and signed four to a music library – my first deal. I kept writing. I used my membership in TAXI as a measuring stick. If TAXI forwarded a track, I knew I’d done something right. Finally, in late 2008, all that hard work started to pay off, and I signed 10 tracks to another music library. In 2009, I started to sign more tracks still. In September 2009, I was pleased to be accepted by a prominent music library as a composer.

Still I consider this to be only the beginning of my five-year plan to sign enough music to be making a significant amount of money from it. Everything I sign now has the potential of bringing in income down the road.

More than that, though, is the fact that the daily work on music, the daily listening back critically to my own and others work, the daily working with tools, reading about composition and using sample libraries, etc etc… all this adds up to a level of experience that is the foundation for the future. These three years of effort, sometimes feeling like I’d never get it, have begun to pay off. I have much more to learn, more tools to get, more skill to attain. Thankfully. Keeps life interesting!

2005: Coffee Grind
http://www.vikkiflawith.com/audio/Coffee_Grind-7Sep06_hifi.m3u

2009: Data Stream (excerpt)
http://www.vikkiflawith.com/audio/Data_Stream_hifi.m3u

Creatively managing creative time

2009-11-18T10:07:00.000-08:00

I was privileged to teach a class at a recent music conference. The class was called, "You Can Give the Industry What It Wants and Still Be Creative". It was taught by a team of 4 people: Suz Doyle talked about finding inspiration when you are blocked; Chuck Schlacter talked about how he researches opportunities and client requests, and illustrated how he sketches out the plan for a piece of music on a daily basis; John Mazzei talked about what it’s like to work with film directors as a composer, and the challenge of supporting the creative vision of the director while remaining true to one’s own muse.

I choose to talk about creatively managing creative time.

I was on a coaching call a while ago with Debra Russell and Nancy Moran, and Nancy talked about delegating tasks. Not just bookkeeping or web management… but the personal things you need to do around the house, or the errands you run. Her logic was, if you are self-employed, then everything you do is part of running your business. What a sense of relief I got when she said that! I’d been struggling with the house, shopping, laundry, and felt guilty about not being able to keep up with it all. It was huge weight off my shoulders to realize it was ‘ok’ to delegate some of that out. I asked my Mom to come in a couple of times a month (and paid her) to help me with the house, I found a local woman who would drive me to appointments or help me run errands (I don't have a car) in exchange for coaching.... and more.

Here's how I got myself organized:

1-Make a list of daily, weekly and monthly tasks. That’s everything you need to do. Pay bills, shop for groceries, go to the gym, etc.

2-Set up a calendar. I have mine set up as a table in Word. Preferably you want something where you can see the month at a glance.

3-Now schedule your tasks. Try to be efficient. For example, if you are downtown on Friday afternoons, then you schedule all your downtown errands on Friday afternoon, that’s when you get your photocopies, pick up toner from the office supply store, mail your packages, do your banking. If you set aside time on Saturday morning to clean house, maybe that’s also a good time to do laundry. You can throw a load in and then go clean the kitchen. If, like me, doing laundry means a trip to the Laundromat… well, I have enough towels and clothes to go one month before I need to do laundry. And when I do laundry, I put everything in the washer and then go to the grocery store and/or drug store, do any banking. Sometimes I’ll even call my mom from my cell while I’m sitting in the Laundromat. I can cross ‘call Mom’ off my list ;)

I mentioned in the class that I order my groceries on-line. There is a local company (Spud.ca) that deliver organics. I order those supplies on Mondays and they are delivered Thursdays. I then go to the store once a week (usually Wednesday morning) and get anything I need that they don’t deliver. I order on-line for the convenience, but also because I know that if I get swamped or overwhelmed, the first thing that goes is shopping. That is not good for my health. So ordering on-line is not only time management, it’s health management, to get a box of beautiful fresh veggies and fruit every week, encouraging me to eat sensibly.

Because I work at home, I’m able to manage cooking by preparing veggies for the steamer, and plugging it in before my last session starts, or using the crock pot. I tend to eat pretty much the same things most of the time. I make a meal plan for the week – this is not only good for time management but it’s a good budget measure as well. I always try to cook enough for two meals so I only have to warm things up.

Included in your schedule of ‘tasks’ should also be some daily personal time, just to be… to walk, to dream, to meditate, to be still. And also include, on a weekly basis, time to go over your schedule for the following week, plan your budget, balance your chequebook, make your grocery list & plan your meals. I allow 2 hours for this on Saturday morning.

4-The next step is to make a list of projects you want to work on. This could be musical collaborations, writing for opportunities, working on your album, etc. I have separate project sheets for library composing, co-writing, my album, and listings I plan to submit to. I have a project binder and in each section I put notes & emails for the different projects I’m working on.

5-Now look at your schedule, and plan when you will be in your ‘studio’. On weekends I plan 4-6 hours per day, during the week I plan 3 to 5 hours per day depending on what I have on. Allow time for social events…. Dinner and a movie – one night a week. Overall I schedule about 20 hours studio time as a minimum. Because I work for myself I’m in charge of my schedule. If you work full-time and you have a family, then your obligations are going to be different, and your available time for writing is going to be reduced. That’s life. We make choices and we need to see them through.

When you walk into your studio at the scheduled time, then you look at your list of projects and ask, ‘what is the best use of my time right now’, or ‘what is the most urgent thing to work on,’ or ‘what would I like to play with today’. Guard this time, don’t let other things eat into it. Use your weekly planning time to assess how well you are figuring out how to deal with your needs, and adjust accordingly.

It only makes sense to me that we should set reasonable goals, figure out what we need to get or to know, and then set out to save for that software, or set aside time to learn/practice, and use available resources (like songwriting forums) to get feedback on what we are doing, or even to share our process and ask for advice. We assess progress by looking back and asking… did I move forward over the past few months? Am I writing better, more consistently, did I finish what I set out to do?

I recommend these books:
“Getting Things Done” by David Allen
“The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron

The handout I distributed at the class is available here:
http://www.islandnet.com/~vflawith/Creative_Time_Handout