Judith's Divorce Blog

Montezuma's Revenge

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Mon, 12 Nov 2018 22:49:00 +0000

Last night I ate hot spicy food with friends. I can assure you that I have suffered no after effects, and certainly nothing of the nature of Montezuma’s Revenge.

Revenge is an emotive word, charged with anger and irrational energy. Sadly, when marriages breakdown people lose control as the desire for vengeance reigns supreme. Hence wives really do slash their husbands’ clothes; husbands really do post unsavoury offerings through their wives’ letterboxes; both sexes really do make telephone calls to third parties aiming to hurt their other half but succeeding also in involving more people in the hurt and misery they are suffering.

Spare a thought for the poor solicitors in the middle. They do genuinely try to bring a sense of calm to the situation but when their client is a loose cannon their task is often a hopeless one.

Needless to say the aggressor eventually runs out of steam and generally feels quite shamed-faced, whilst the object of the aggression emerges morally victorious despite whatever philandering or dastardly deed brought on the attack in the first place.

Originally published on 26 September 2007

To Russia with Love

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Fri, 09 Nov 2018 20:26:00 +0000

There are various ways to conduct ourselves when a marriage breaks down and whilst I did not recommend Stepford two weeks ago, I remain a firm believer in alternative remedies where appropriate. Another that I do not recommend however was highlighted in the media today and should be a dire warning for any man contemplating a move to Russia with his loved one.

In the case reported, the couple, who had divorced 3 years before, had been forced to continue to live together in a small flat resulting in increasing acrimony between them. Presumably in desperation, the former wife took matters into her own hands when her ex-husband gave her an easy opportunity to inflame the situation still further. So whilst he was naked on the sofa, drinking vodka and watching TV, she leaned over and set his penis alight! I have a hunch, although the report was silent on the point, that the vodka may have helped. Needless to say the husband is quoted as telling reporters that “It was monstrously painful, I was burning like a torch.”

Now before anyone reading this gets ideas, can I just stress that here in the UK whilst you can still end up in the unhappy situation of living in the same home after a divorce has been finalised, a court does reserve the power to decide the outcome of a home’s ownership and even in the case of a rented property which of the couple can continue living there. This will take a little time but pending a decision and in the event of abuse or violence (a description that would undoubtedly encompass this woman’s actions), the court can also make an injunctive order excluding the perpetrator from the home.

Originally posted on 23 August 2007

Tongue Twisters

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 21:33:00 +0000

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper. Where’s the peck of pickled pepper Peter Piper picked?
Red lorry; yellow lorry.

Tongue twisters. They are difficult to get our mouths round and even if we do they hardly make any real point at all.
It’s the same with feelings. They can be difficult to express and even after hours of analysing them, they may still fail to make sense.

She sells sea shells on the sea shore; the shells she sells are sea shells I’m sure.

Originally posted on 17 August 2007

Pebbles on the Beach.

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 21:34:00 +0000

“There are always plenty of other fish in the sea.” Do people still really say that in the sincere hope of cheering up a close friend or family member who’s been jilted?

Alternatively: “Don’t worry there are lots of pebbles on the beach.”

Well I made a good, though perhaps not so scientific, investigation when I was on holiday. As a result, I can verify that there were very few fish in the sea (it was after all the Mediterranean). As for the pebbles on the beach, yes there were plenty of those and in a variety of different colours and shapes. You know what though, essentially they were all identical; smooth, hard, and uninteresting; “chips off the same block”.

Originally posted on 9 August 2007

Harry Potter and the Last Goodbye

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Thu, 06 Sep 2018 20:59:00 +0000

Like thousands of other holidaymakers this year I took the latest edition of Harry Potter on holiday with me, knowing it was going to be the last holiday we would ever spend together. My relationship with Harry goes back to 1997 and whilst Apprentice Man claims to have long since outgrown stories of witchcraft and wizardry, his mother has not.

On the one hand, therefore, whilst I was excited by the prospect of the final instalment and a last opportunity to satiate myself with Muggles, Dementors and House Elves, I opened the book with a certain trepidation. Half a dozen pages in, I was engrossed, but then two dilemmas arose; firstly amidst all the rumours of characters being killed off would Harry actually survive to the end of the story and secondly did I want to read it quickly or would I prefer a lingering goodbye? Pedantically I noted that at 607 pages and an average reading speed of say 60 seconds per page the whole book was going to take me some 10 hours to complete. I therefore had a choice; I could limit the indulgence to say 45 minutes a day or jump in and get through it as quickly as possible.

The difficulty was that if Harry succumbed to Voldemort in the first half, then our time together and my enjoyment of the whole experience was going to be cut short very quickly, especially if I decided to do nothing else but sit on my sun-lounger and read from morning to night. Indeed an early exit for the hero could spoil the overall ambience of my long awaited summer holiday. I, therefore, succumbed to temptation and did what nobody should ever do with a good book, but I inevitably do; I read the last 5 pages.

If real life were the same and with the benefit of crystal ball gazing, how much different our lives might be. However and even then it wouldn’t solve all issues because I still had to determine whether or not to spend only the beginning of my vacation with Harry Potter or the whole of it. Crystal ball gazing might reveal the outcome but not necessarily the method of getting there.

Frankly I can’t see the point in long goodbyes; they only delay the inevitable. Ten years is a long time for any hero to keep you dangling with his tales of bravado and I decided that if it was all coming to an end then it might as well do so promptly. It took a day and a half to complete matters and that was it, for all time. Of course, there was a tinge of regret that there won’t be any more novels, and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I occasionally looked over my shoulder for a passing Horcrux or Death-Eater. Overall though, I got on with my holiday, indulged in some other pursuits for a few days and finally came back to my bed by the pool to read more books!

Originally posted on 7th August 2007

Staying Together for the Sake of the Children

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Thu, 23 Aug 2018 19:09:00 +0000

Teenage boys – who’d have them by choice? I should know by now: arguing with an adolescent only ever leads to raised voices and do you ever win when he always has to have the last word?

Come to think of it, why, in this nanny state of ours, don’t babies come with a health warning stuck to their foreheads? “CAUTION this little bundle of joy will turn into a belligerent teenager!”

It always amazes me, and I suppose demonstrates the full extent of parental love, that I have so many clients who want to argue over their children. Indeed I can’t recall a case where both parties have sought to reject the kids. If Outdoor Man and I ever went down the road to separation however, I speculate that Apprentice Man might just find himself in that novel position.

“Staying together for the sake of the children,” is an oft quoted phrase. Properly interpreted, does it actually mean: staying together for the sake of the parents? Neither parent should be expected to take on the sole day to day care of their children; it’s unfair – they’re extremely hard work.

Originally posted on 21 July 2007

Moving in Together

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Wed, 15 Aug 2018 18:56:00 +0000

The new motor moved in last night. Totally refined, grey, suave and sophisticated. That’s not quite how the sales literature described it but car manufacturers either lack imagination or else don’t write their brochures for middle-aged women.

It arrived complete with a bouquet of flowers on its front seat; this car certainly knows how to treat a girl. It also came with an array of gadgets which I’m sure I’ll be making use of before long.

I confess, and I giggle at the memory, to being locked in a lengthy embrace with its steering wheel immediately we got the opportunity to be alone together.

It has taken up residence in my garage as if it has always belonged there. A little different to what I’ve been used to over the past few years, but we’re working hard at getting our commitment just right. I was a bit peeved that I had to rearrange a few things to accommodate it in a way that suited us both, but we overcame that hurdle with acceptance on my part. After all I was too excited by its arrival to let a few plant pots and garden tools get in the way of the potential for a fulfilling relationship. I just know we’re going to have a long and happy time together.

Please wish us luck.

originally published on 12 July 2007

LETTING GO - Chattels and Other Items

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Tue, 14 Aug 2018 18:16:00 +0000

Last week the family and I went for a studio session in a local photographers and today went back to choose the prints we are having made up into pieces for the wall. “Family heirlooms,” the sales pitch describes them as.

It set me thinking. A decade ago, most of my cases would involve an argument over a division of the family photographs; fortunately the age of digital photography has made such disputes passé.

That said, frequently the stumbling block to settlement terms can still be an heirloom of sentimental rather than monetary value. It’s all about letting go and yet locked into a dispute with what seems like nothing else to hold onto, it can be very hard to do.

Once upon a time I remember a client arguing about a teapot passed to her by an elderly aunt of her husband’s. Both claimed ownership but eventually the husband gave in and my client retained it. I met her a few months later in the street and couldn’t help asking after the item. It transpired that she no longer had it.

“I let go,” she explained.

I assumed she meant in the metaphysical sense but then she elaborated: “Slipped straight through my fingers when I was moving it from the dresser,” she said. “Mind, I never did like it. I only wanted it because he did. After all it was only a ‘thing’!”

originally posted on 23 June 2007

Time is a Great Healer

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Fri, 15 Jun 2018 20:59:00 +0000

I started this blog back in June 2007 for a variety of reasons, not least as a form of personal therapy. Carrying the weight and trauma of divorce for a multitude of clients, I sought a diversion through an often tongue in cheek examination of both their and my daily burden.

Retired now for almost 4 years, I am pleased to say that, like my clients before me, I have been through recovery and come out at the other side. Fully rehabilitated by the process of time there is no longer a need to pursue my entries here.

I, therefore, thank all my readers, old and new, and extend to you my very best wishes and thanks for visiting this site which, in light of the ongoing visitor numbers, I propose leaving online. If it can assist you as it has me, then it has been a job worthwhile.

Judith

P.S. In light of requests received, I shall recycle some of my earlier material so that you can continue reading without trawling the archives.

Save the Children - Reality Of Life As A Girl

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 21:47:00 +0000

Divorce Therapy - It's Been Over 2 Weeks Now

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Mon, 11 Jul 2016 22:06:00 +0000

Unable to cope with the immenseness of it all I have tried to ignore it, bury my head in the sand and distract myself by staring for hours on end at the pattern on my duvet. I feel neglected.

Dave is going; that is for certain and I haven’t seen Boris for days.

Even the girls I thought I could rely on have been noticeable by the distance I feel between us. Theresa and Andrea seem to have been so embroiled in their own contretemps they have had little time for me. Perhaps now Angela is splitting from Jeremy with what seems like deep acrimony, she and I might find something in common.

For the time being the only person I seem to be able to rely on is that nice man at the bank, Mark, I think he’s called. Maybe it’s time to see him again, although I know he’ll only tell me that times are going to be tough and I have to cut back.

How did I ever get into this mess in the first place? It’s not my fault. Now I’m not so angry, I just feel sad for what might have been, what we had and what we’ve lost. I think I’ll go and take another look at the pattern on that duvet.

Divorce Therapy - Is this Day 6 or 7?

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Thu, 30 Jun 2016 20:31:00 +0000

I spent all day yesterday in bed and am unsure now of the date.

Boris has decided he's not moving in after all and it transpires that Michael reckons he's in with a chance instead. There are rumours that he stabbed Boris in the back but I rang the local hospital and Boris hadn't been admitted.

Meanwhile Jeremy up the road has been having problems too. Angela walked out and has been tight lipped ever since, although she did say the last straw was when he refused to speak to her for 24 hours. I actually thought Jeremy was moving out when I saw a furniture van pull up but it turned out he was just taking delivery of a new cabinet.

Everybody is calling everyone names.

Dave has even had the audacity to tell Jeremy he should leave, "Go man, go," I think he said. Mind on what basis Dave feels he's qualified to hand out such advice I honestly don't know.

Is any of this real? It feels like a dream that I might yet wake up from.

Divorce Therapy - Day 5

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Tue, 28 Jun 2016 20:30:00 +0000

Today I went shopping. Life has to go on and we neeed to eat.

I bought myself a handbag in fine Italian leather and a pair of shoes to match. They went on my credit card.

I am probably in denial and will feel worse when I look at the till receipt.

Divorce Therapy - Day 4

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Mon, 27 Jun 2016 17:20:00 +0000

Gideon, our financial adviser, spoke to me this morning. He did his best to reassure me but I was not convinced. As a result of this mess I know the money has gone down, although Gideon says that he’ll arrange a loan to bide us over.

I also received a letter from Boris. He seems to be suggesting that he’ll move in instead but otherwise life will continue pretty much as before, save that we can have an “open” relationship.

I’m becoming very confused.

Divorce Therapy - Day 3

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Sun, 26 Jun 2016 20:33:00 +0000

Jean Claude says "It wasn't a tight love affair anyway," and he "wants a quick divorce."

I am angry again, VERY ANGRY.

The Dutch pair over the road have refused to invite me in; they just say I need to get the divorce sorted quickly. They seem worried I might taint things for them.

The French couple up the street are just the same. Things aren't too rosy for them too, I fear.

Now Jeremy and his clan are all going their separate ways. Everyone seems to be splitting up.

I'm getting confused. I mean I always knew we were being lied to; I'm not a complete fool but I'm not sure who it is I am angry with anymore.

Divorce Therapy - Day 2

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Sat, 25 Jun 2016 20:21:00 +0000

Tell me how you felt yesterday.

Yesterday, when I found out, I felt numb. All sensory feeling was suspended and a girdle of anxiety squeezed my chest.

What did you do yesterday?

I didn't move from the sofa.

And Dave, tell me about Dave.

Dave went to see the woman at the end of the Mall.

How did that make you feel?

I cried. Sadness overwhelmed me, not for Dave but for me and for the family. Then I got angry, really angry. Next I even felt guilty; perhaps I could have done something to have prevented this.

How are things today?

I feel calmer. Inward looking and isolated. I know life hasn't ended but it just feels different. There's a chasm and it feels as though it is going to be there for a long time.

Divorce Therapy

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Fri, 24 Jun 2016 19:58:00 +0000

When I started this blog it was intended as a form of therapy, a cathartic diversion to the stresses and strains of life as a divorce lawyer. It has been many months since I have made an entry for the simple reason that I do not need a panacea in retirement.

Today however was different. I should have known it was going to happen with the repeated arguments and outrageous behaviour of recent weeks but it still shocked me.

This morning when I awoke, I learned that we are going to separate after 40 years. Worse still a messy divorce is envisaged and one that may start immediately. Already the cash in the bank has plummeted, our pension funds and investments reduced. I wanted to stay in our home but I no longer know if that will be possible. A move to Scotland is a possibility, or Ireland. Does anyone know what Ireland is like?

Dave is going, of course. Hanging around for a little while but he’s not going to do very much. Well I know there was no love lost between us, but seriously it’s still hard to take when it happens.

What do I tell the children? They may be old enough to make their own minds up, but they are hurting too; Nicola says she’s staying put whatever and Martin is thinking of pursuing his own union elsewhere. Some fool down the road had the gall to tell me it was Independence Day whilst others have just looked shell-shocked when they heard the news. People I haven’t heard from for a while have been handing out tissues and sympathy; Tony said he thought there had been “mixed messages” for the last couple of months and Michael summed up my feelings accurately when he described it as “a gaping hole.”

Sadiq is trying to smooth the waters but the damage has been done and it hurts. I’m angry and I think I have every right to be.

Christmas Creches

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Tue, 08 Dec 2015 20:01:00 +0000

Back in December 2007 I wrote an entry on this blog about a Christmas crèche in Austria. It seems that the idea has caught on and this year we have seen a similar project launched in Carmarthen, with one to follow at the weekend in Manchester.

Comfortable settees, magazines, sport on large TV screens and electronic games, it sounds like boys’ heaven; a haven where men retreat to whilst their other halves get stuck into some serious Christmas shopping.

To work like a crèche the men must presumably be deposited and collected by their wives or long term partners. In 2007 I pondered on the outcome if their spouse failed to collect them; in 2015 I wonder what will happen if the men quite simply don’t want to leave!

Family Law Reconnaissance Tour

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Sun, 06 Dec 2015 13:43:00 +0000

I returned from India this week where, as well as seeing the sights, I felt it to be my duty to undertake a reconnaissance mission on behalf of former family law colleagues. In the event that any may be seeking a change of scene then I can reliably confirm with photographic evidence that:

Delhi has a designated family court albeit with a removeable sign;

Modern offices for firms of lawyers abound;

Barristers’ chambers occupy historic buildings with rickety stairs.

Home from home, I guess!

Larry's Party

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Wed, 21 Oct 2015 11:30:00 +0000

It has taken me some time, eighteen years to be precise, but I have finally read "Larry's Party," by Carol Shields which was first published in 1997. It is the touching story of a male florist who develops a penchant for mazes and experiences two divorces along the path of a successful business career. There may be touches of humour but it is essentially an emotional experience in which the author seeks to share the thoughts and feelings of a very ordinary man's life.

I suspect it's a book best avoided by family lawyers and their clients for it fails to dwell on processes and instead concentrates on feelings. However and whilst I'm a firm believer in fiction mirroring the reality we find too hard to describe, this is no self-help book but rather the life-journey of a contemporary man (albeit, and because of my dilatory reading speed, of the last century).

I do wonder, however, is there really anybody out there who has invited not one but two ex-wives to the same party?

The House of Social Media

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 14:46:00 +0000

Whilst travelling recently we undertook a guided tour of an 18^th century Ottoman house. The guide showed us what he described as the gentlemen’s room and pointed to a small curtained gallery above. He explained that this was used by servants to check when the men required serving their next course and also by the ladies of the house, to spy on the men; maybe catching a glimpse of the face of their betrothed after an arranged marriage had been contracted or to stalk their husband, learning perhaps if he was planning a second or third marriage.

“We call it Facelook” the guide said, “The historical precursor to Facebook.”

Alternative Dispute Resolution

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Fri, 04 Sep 2015 20:48:00 +0000

The Edinburgh Fringe Festival closed on Sunday after 25 days and more than 50,450 performances. It was gratifying to see, in the runners-up for Dave’s Funniest Joke of the Fringe 2015 Award, a reference to relationship breakdown and the impact on children.

You really can’t beat a good pun. Thanks therefore to Simon Munnery in joint 8^th place for:

“Clowns divorce. Custardy battle.”

We are, after all, always looking for ways to resolve disputes without the need for a court case.

A Spark of Solace

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Fri, 21 Aug 2015 21:18:00 +0000

Underneath the guise of an emotionally contained divorce lawyer there is invariably a soft personality who is easily moved to tears by beautiful music, films or novels. No wonder therefore that I jumped at the opportunity to listen to “Spark” which is the second album from jazz singer and song writer, Kat Reinhert. It was released independently today and is inspired by Kat’s own experiences including with the struggles and hardships that divorce can cause.

“We’ve said goodbye so I know that I’ve just got to walk into the rain,” she sings on the first track.

In the next she proffers advice for dealing with the emotional aftershock with lyrics like, “Sometimes we have to put it down because it’s heavy.”

At times her songs acknowledge the pain whilst other tracks motivate the listener to keep up the battle for recovery with, for instance, “You are not going down without a fight.”

Kat succeeds in being a harmonious mentor and says herself that she is “proud of this album. Not only because of the content and themes it explores but because of the music and arrangements that the musicians helped to create and shape.”

If you want to share the rawness of someone else’s pain and in so doing seek solace for your own then listening to Spark could hold the answer.

Remote Control

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Wed, 05 Aug 2015 21:31:00 +0000

I took delivery of a new television set today. We now have his and her TVs, after I finally resolved that watching the screen when Outdoor Man controls the remote is just too tricky. Whenever I thought that we were settling down to watch something, lo the channel changed. What is it about men and their innate desire to surf TV channels? For a gender that is notorious for its inability to “juggle,” it certainly has to be congratulated on being able to follow a dozen programmes contemporaneously.

A family law colleague once remarked to me, after encountering similar issues in her own living room, that she found it curious that she had never been asked by a client to draft a divorce petition incorporating allegations of unreasonable behaviour based on a husband’s operation of the television remote controller. I never did either. I do recall proceedings, once upon a time, which referred to a wife’s concealment of the remote but generally speaking the fairer sex clearly learnt long ago that there are some battles that are not worth the fight.

Moreover, when house contents came to be divided, in my experience it was not unknown for a husband to magnanimously concede that his wife could have the majority of the furniture and white goods, so long only as he could retain their largest television set. Fortuitously she usually agreed to him having the remote controller too.

An Upgrade

noreply@blogger.com (Judith) — Fri, 31 Jul 2015 20:36:00 +0000

Yesterday I upgraded the operating system on my computer to Windows 10. I think it was that word “upgrade,” because in doing so I was reminded of the client who once upon a time told me that he was looking to upgrade his wife.

Now let’s get this clear: we might upgrade computer systems, downsize houses and recycle aluminium cans. We may even divorce spouses, but what we never do is upgrade, downsize or recycle them.