Compassion

Fear of Life

2012-01-15T01:46:00.001-05:00

As you may already know, my wife Shelby is pregnant again. Needless to say, there is a new air of excitement going around as this new addition grows in her mother’s warm and loving belly Yes, that’s right, it’s a girl :-). So far, the baby seems to be doing well with no noticeable health issues. She’s very active in there, too. Every time Shelby feels kicks and flips I can’t help but think about how crazy that must be. There’s a little human being in there flailing about, learning how to operate their tiny little limbs. It’s just miraculous. I’m getting to feel and see the movements too :-)

It’s been a little over a year since we lost our first little girl, Stella Grace, and we’ve found ourselves on almost the exact same schedule. Sprout (our nickname for new baby-to-be) is estimated to arrive on April 20, 2012, while Stella was estimated to arrive on April 17, 2011. Pregnancies after a loss tend to be experienced a bit differently anyway, but having the same schedule makes it seem even more special. After a loss, the innocence of what can go wrong is gone, and is replaced with the burden of knowing the myriad of things that do go wrong.

The loss of innocence can be painful, and may leave behind a permanent scar. It also leaves behind a changed perspective on life. In complete innocence there is no fear, and in a state of no fear there is peace. After innocence is damaged, fear is born. Fear wants to protect us from harm so that we may enjoy peace once again, but fear and peace can not coexist. A return to innocense will bring about peace, but past experience has told us that it is dangerous to allow ourselves to be that vulnerable again. We remember being hurt when we were innocent, and the mind can point to the painful experiences we’ve had when we lost innocence, thereby justifying the need for fear.

The mistake here is that fear would not have protected us from the pain incurred by a loss of innocense. Fear can’t really protect us from anything, except maybe peace. Though that makes perfect sense, believing it doesn’t make fear go away. Experience tells us that there is no end to the things that could potentially go “wrong” in any given life, before or after birth, which is why many of us live in fear of life, or, put another way, we fear living a life without fear. We “know” too much to be fully at ease all the time. So let’s look at what we “know” at the root of this fear.

Life is Scary.

You never know what’s going to happen from one minute to the next. Something bad always happens when I let my guard down. If I don’t worry I won’t be ready when the worst case scenario happens. If I allow myself to fully relax I’m putting too much trust in a life that can’t be trusted. Life has let me down so many times I can’t even count. I’m scared of not knowing what’s going to happen next. I’m angry that I can’t ensure things turn out the way I want. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to have to worry, or keep my guard up, but trusting life might jinx the outcome.

Is That True?

Pain is unavoidable in this life, but what if it’s completely necessary? What if our suffering is part of a master plan? What if this master plan has our best interest at heart? Is it possible to put trust in life’s plan? How does it feel to let down your guard and trust life? Sit with that last question and really experience letting your guard down about a particularly stressful situation. What does it feel like to surrender? Do you experience fear? Loss? Relief? Joy? Resistance? Do you want to cry? Laugh? Both? Just sit with that experience of allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable, without judging yourself or the situation. [I highly recommend Gina Lake’s book, “Trusting Life.”]

Looking Inside

An interesting thing about fear is that it typically has a bodily sensation that goes with it. When you are experiencing some sort of stress or fear, check in with your body to see if there is any tension. Once you locate it, direct your attention to that area of the body. Feel that tension and allow it to be there, fully. Give yourself permission to be tense. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any physical or emotional response that you have. Welcome it all and see how that feels.

At a recent satsang with Benjamin Smythe (http://www.benjamintsmythe.com), we were talking about the fear of life. Benjamin is known for traveling around with a large sign that says, “You’re Perfect!” He finds a public place to sit or stand and just holds the sign up to people walking by. He gets a wide range of responses, ranging from gratitude to indifference to anger. The thing is, he no longer cares what kind of response he gets. As he will tell you, his fear is gone (enlightenment has a tendency to do that to a person ;-).

During the satsang I told him that I had some fear of life in me, and asked if I should go stand somewhere holding a sign like him. We all had a good chuckle, but then he asked if I had any fear at that moment. I admitted that I did have a little (sort of like a mild stage fright you might get if you were admitting a perceived weakness in front of a large group of people). He told me to check in with my body to see if I could feel any tension. I located some tightness in my thighs and my upper arms, and relayed that information. He congratulated me and invited me to completely allow that tension to be there. As soon as I did I started laughing. I was able to see through the fear. It was just an illusion. Benjamin explained that dealing with fear may be more easily dealt with on the physical level because the mind is what created it in the first place, and it’s hard to get the creator of fear to alleviate it.

So What?

How does all of this serve me in my current life situation, dealing with a potentially stressful pregnancy? One key is to take things one day at a time (remain present). During a recent event that caused us some concern about the baby, my mind became a fear monger of “What if,” scenarios. I could not shake the thoughts, but I could feel the tension being created in my body. The tension was not localized, and could be felt all over. This time noticing it and allowing it did not give me the same relief. What I did instead is recognized the thoughts as just thoughts, not reality. This enabled me to relax for brief periods, but I was unable to be fully at ease until we had our visit with the Nurse and learned everything was fine.

There will always be life situations like this that have the ability to engender fear. Accepting fear when it occurs (instead of resisting it) is very important. However, realizing that the root of the fear is believing our thoughts is even more important. Once that’s realized, the thoughts can be looked at impartially as part of the human condition, not as if they were true.

As I was writing this up I felt moved to write a poem.

The End of Fear

In the end, there was the beginning
A circle brought to life, only not to end
Where am I to go?
Trapped in eternity
Scared to stop
Scared to move forward
Unable to do either
Unable to do both
Where am I to go?
No where but here
What about fear?
There is only fear if you allow there to be
Turn your attention toward it
See if that fear is real
Electrical impulses given a four letter word is all that’s really there
Being trapped, unable to move or stop, are just concepts
The domino effect of belief ends in fear
Fear ends in the recognition of its origin

The Final Chapter (not really)

2011-12-26T22:25:00.000-05:00

I knew I wanted to compile a book out of my past writings a year or two ago, but felt like I really wasn’t quite qualified enough. I’m not some enlightened spiritual teacher, so I had to wonder if my words were really worthy enough to be contained in a book to be read by people who might be looking for the secret to inner peace, etc. Isn’t that like the blind leading the blind?

These limiting thoughts were delaying my decision to complete the book, in the hopes that one day I would be “enlightened” and be able to bring the book to a better climax, such as, “Then, it happened. My perspective shifted ever so slightly, and all became known. I realized that there are no individuals, and that we are all one. Part of a cosmic consciousness pretending to be human beings, etc.” What a great ending that would have made, right?

It finally dawned on me that I was holding back out of fear of what projected “others” might think about some guy writing a book about enlightenment without being enlightened. Who would read that? Not me. My “time” is too valuable for that ;-) When I finally recognized and acknowledged that old program of insufficiency running interference, I decided to push forward. There will be plenty of critics, but I think there will be a larger number of people who get something from reading it (at least I hope so). I know I sure did when I went back to read all of my old posts again.

Anyway, once I decided to finalize the book, assembly and proofreading turned out to be fairly time consuming. But the challenge I’m facing at this moment is how to end this thing. I’m going to continue writing, and have already written a few other things to be posted later. Since there is no end in sight, how can I just abruptly say, “Okay, that’s it for now. Stay tuned for the next one.” No, I have to come up with a concluding chapter that does this book some justice. Or do I? Maybe I could just say, “Well, this seems like as good a stopping point as any. The End.” That’s sounding pretty good about now.

Maybe I could find a way that leaves people hanging on the edge of their seat in some way, like those season finales on TV that leave you going, “Those bastards! They can’t just leave it like that!” That would be fun if it were that kind of book. Maybe my next book will be fiction and I can do just that. But where does fiction end and non-fiction begin?

Your life is like a work of fiction starring you, and it has all of the different plot twists, comedy, drama, and boringness that any movie that lasts for 80 plus years would have. We’re all pretending to be stars in our own movie, which features all sorts of guest stars. If you’re reading these words right now, then I’ve stopped in to be a guest star in your movie (Hi there!). When I go to the store, all of the other shoppers and check out clerk have become guest stars in my movie. But how much more fun would it be if you actually realized it was all just a movie? Then you could step out of it and enjoy it more fully. When you’re trapped in it, the suffering of the main character seems so personal and yucky. I invite you to examine what if feels like to be the watcher of your life as it unfolds, instead of being identified with your character. It’s just like any dream where you are actually all of the characters in the dream, instead of the lead actor.

Could it be true? Look around. Could this all be a dream? Could I actually be all of the characters in the dream and not know it? Has it all been scripted out since the day I was born, or is it being written and directed on the fly? Do I have any control over what’s going to happen next, or is the only power I have to step out of the dream and wake up? Most, if not all, movies have a happy ending. What if this one does too? Can I finally relax and not sweat the small stuff? What if recognizing that there is a happy ending creates a happy ending that never ends? Wouldn’t it be nice to live that happily ever after Now? Now is all there is, and that happy ending that never ends is concealed in that Now that never ends.

The End ;-)

PS

You are perfect! You are loved! You are here! What a glorious gift it is to be alive. Don’t squander it pretending to be something smaller than you are. Wake Up!

Teacher Resources

2011-12-24T22:51:00.000-05:00

I have included a list of some of the most helpful and influential spiritual teachers I’ve encountered below. They aren’t really in any particular order, and it is by all means not inclusive. There are many more teachers that I have encountered only briefly, but whose words have been helpful.

Byron Katie - What can you say about Katie? All I can say is read one of her books and see for yourself. Some may call her a self help guru, but she is just a beacon in the night inviting people to question their beliefs. “A Thousand Names for Joy” is hands down one of my favorite books, but her other books are great too.
    http://www.thework.com
    http://www.byronkatie.com

Eckhart Tolle - Eckhart is probably one of the most well known spiritual teachers in the Western world. His teachings have touched tens of thousands of people, and that circle of influence continues to spread. I think the reason for his popularity is that his pointers are simple and resonate with people on a very basic level. Just a glimpse of what life in the present moment is like is enough for people to want more presence in their life.
    http://www.eckharttolle.com

Adyashanti - I’ve enjoyed several of Adya’s books (i.e. “Emptiness Dancing,” “The Impact of Awakening,” etc.), but his website has a great deal of free audio and essays as well. I highly recommend checking him out.
    http://www.adyashanti.org

Gangaji - For me, Gangaji rounds out the top four of the most well renowned Western spiritual teachers. I enjoyed her books, “A Diamond in Your Pocket” and “You Are That,” as well as many of the writings and videos I found on her website and You Tube.
    http://www.gangaji.org

John Sherman - John was one of Gangaji’s students when he was serving time in prison (her prison outreach program has helped a number of people). All of his teachings are free through his website in the form of eBooks and webcasts. His message is as simple as the nose on your face – just look a yourself (figuratively). He has several websites that I recommend you check out. I also invite you to join the Just One Look email list to become a part of the inward looking movement.
    http://www.justonelook.org
    http://www.riverganga.org
    http://www.thefearoflife.org
    http://www.lookatyourself.org
    http://www.johnsherman.org
    http://www.silentheart.net

Katie Davis - One of my other favorite books is, “Awake Joy: The Essence of Enlightenment,” by Katie Davis. Her teaching approach is from the heart and points us back to who we are in our essence. She makes herself very available to people interested in awakening. I highly recommend you check out her website and blog, as well as the free videos she has to offer. Her husband, Sundance Burke, is also a spiritual teacher you might enjoy.
    http://www.katiedavis.org
    http://www.awakebykatie.blogspot.com

Gina Lake - Gina has written numerous wonderful books, and has a great deal of audio, video, and excerpts on her website. Her teaching is like a combination of Eckhart Tolle and Byron Katie, which is probably why I resonate with it. She is also very approachable for people with questions.
    http://www.radicalhappiness.com

Nirmala - Gina Lake’s husband, Nirmala, is also a spiritual teacher. His teachings point us back to the direct experience of Being in a direct, no nonsense way. I recommend you check out his website as well.
    http://www.endless-satsang.com

Jeannie Zandi - I had my first real heart opening experience during my first satsang with Jeannie. Her message is one of Love, Beauty and Surrender. Truly a lovely human being.
    http://www.jeanniezandi.com

Norio Xoximei Kushi - Norio is a truck driver by trade, who experienced an awakening while driving cross country. He points out beautifully how language is the root of our confusion, and how tangled up in words we’ve become.
    http://www.demystifyenlightenment.org

Scott Kiloby - Scott has a simple approach as well. He writes about overcoming suffering and addiction, as well as stepping out of the story we have mistaken ourselves to be.
    http://www.kiloby.com

Karen Richards - Karen is a wonderful young woman with a very large heart. Her invitation to investigate the nature of reality resonates with a vast number of people, and I recommend you check her out on her website and on Facebook.
    http://karen-richards.com

Karen McPhee - I highly recommend you check out the free guided meditations on Karen’s website. She was one of Eckhart’s students turned teacher, and has a very nice way of pointing people toward the present moment.
    http://www.livingnow.ca

Pamela Wilson - In listening to some audio of Pamela, I realized that loving the ego was actually more important than trying to get rid of it. She teaches us to embrace all of our so-called negative sides, and get curious about it all.
    http://www.pamelasatsang.com

Catherine Ingram - The thing I remember most about reading Catherine’s book “Passionate Presence” is the quote, “Just this.” It gave me a new felt understanding of what presences is all about.
    http://www.dharmadialogues.org

Bentinho Massaro - Bentinho is a very young man with a great deal of joy that he exudes in the rapidly growing number of videos he’s putting out there. Check out his website as well as You Tube.
    http://www.free-awareness.com

Benjamin Smythe - His message is simple, “You’re Perfect.” He has a great sense of humor about everything and is very reassuring about the fact that you can’t do this life thing wrong. Check out his quotes and videos.
    http://www.benjamintsmythe.com

Rupert Spira - Rupert uses the direct approach of experiencing what’s here, now. He has a lot of questions answered on his website, as well as video inteviews.
    http://non-duality.rupertspira.com/page.aspx

Though there are a whole host of teachers out of India, my studies have been with mostly Western teachers and I am only familiar with a few from the East. I can safely say that the words of the following teachers have been of great use to me. They are also some of the most well-known sages of the 20th century. They have all passed away now, but all of them have left behind a legacy that will continue to influence many generations to come. I’ve included some web sites to use as starting points, which have links to countless other sites out there for each. I’m sure you will find some powerful quotes that will resonate with you.

Sri Ramana Maharshi - The Father of Self Inquiry himself. All paths lead here. “Who am I?”
    http://www.nonduality.com/ramana.htm

Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj - The original stand as Awareness man. “I Am That.”
    http://www.nonduality.com/nisarga.htm

HWL Poonja (Papaji) - Known for saying, “Call off the search. Stop. Be still.”
    http://www.avadhuta.com

David Hawkins - I owe David a big thank you for the guidance I needed when I first started looking for answers to life’s big questions. His book, “Power vs. Force” was the first book I read on enlightenment, and it really cracked open my mind. I was hooked, and read all seven of his books (he has written more since then). I also joined a Hawkins discussion group, met lots of great people, and eventually found all of these other great teachers. I drifted away from his teachings after discovering Tolle, and never really looked back. One of the faults I found in David’s teaching was that he made it seem as if obtaining enlightenment was damn near impossible (and very painful). It also seemed to me like David’s writing was becoming more unnecessarily political, which is when I knew I had gotten all I could get out of his teachings.
    http://www.veritaspub.com

There are several other websites that serve as reliable resources for people wanting to find out more about different teachers. Though this isn’t an all inclusive list, I am familiar enough with these sites to recommend them. Just like any other search, one page leads to another, and another, and you always find just what you need at just the right time.

Satsang Teachers - I have to recommend this website because it led me to discover several lesser known teachers that I probably never would have found otherwise. There are a rapidly growing number of teachers out there, and this site is designed to be a calendar listing for all of the ones that are currently active. I can’t vouch for all of the ones listed, but I know at least a dozen of them from personal experience and am reassured that they are doing some sort of screening before listing them.
    http://www.satsangteachers.com

Here are a few other sites of interest. If you have more teachers to recommend or resources you would like to share with others, feel free to write a reply comment to this blog post.
    http://www.nonduality.com
    http://www.stillnessspeaks.com
    http://www.nevernothere.com

Tis the Season to Be Jolly (or Not)

2011-12-10T18:30:00.000-05:00

In preparing for the holidays, we’ve been putting up decorations, lights a tree, etc. We didn’t do much of this last year because of my wife’s health and the pregnancy related complications leading up to Christmas, so it was important for us to get some of this done early this year. Shelby decided she wanted some outdoor ornaments (some lighted balls), which proved to be hard to find. We went to half a dozen stores looking for just the right thing, but we never found what she wanted and ended up buying the materials at a craft store that would come close to replicating it.

During this shopping excursion, which seemed to last many hours stretched over two days, I found myself being negative and feeling a bit put out by having to drive around town and browse stores during a busy holiday weekend. I was trying not to complain, but I felt like I had been taken over by this entity of unhappiness and couldn’t snap out of it (often referred to by Eckhart Tolle as the pain body). I would periodically become aware of my unconsciousness, but it didn’t do any good. In fact, noticing my unconscious behavior seemed to frustrate me even more. I was negatively judging myself for being negative, and the vicious cycle of judgment had begun.

There I was, the guy who likes to write about how perfect things are, and how all suffering is self-induced, etc., and yet I seemed stuck in a stereotypical male role of following my wife around a store with my hands in my pockets, feigning interest in things she pointed out, hoping that it would be over soon. The underlying dis-ease came from a desire to be somewhere else, and the desire not to spend too much money on this project (a good example of how desire is at the root of all evil ;-). I could periodically see myself in that disgruntled role, implying that there was at least a glimmer of consciousness shining through, but not enough to break free of the spell.

When I checked in with my body, I noticed I was feeling fatigued and wondered if my physical state was contributing to my psychological state. Which came first? The physical dis-ease or the psychological manifestation of negativity? While I was looking for something to blame for my bad mood, I remembered a quote from A Course in Miracles, “I could be seeing Peace instead of this.” I knew from past experience that this was true, but I couldn’t see it in this particular circumstance.

I finally had a moment of clarity and remembered that acceptance of one’s own resistance is necessary when you find yourself in a situation that seems unacceptable. I would usually associate this measure (of accepting one’s inability to accept something) with a much more serous life situation, such as great suffering, illness, etc., rather than a trip to a busy shopping center, but to each his or her own.

Upon this re-realization, I reassured myself that it was completely okay for me to feel stressed, bitchy, etc. In effect, I forgave myself for my own non-acceptance (and for being a bit of a jerk). After that it felt like a weight had been lifted. I was able to relax a bit simply by being okay with my own resistance, and, interestingly enough, when you’re okay with not being okay, everything feels okay :-)

This re-discovery of the power of acceptance didn’t occur until near the end of our shopping excursion, and a nice scenic drive home helped round out what was an enlightening day of doing things that I didn’t want to do, but had to be done. I share this with you, knowing that it may damage your opinion of me, in hopes that it may help you get through the holiday season in One Peace.

The Underlying Should

2011-07-11T23:32:00.000-05:00

My wife and I started attending a perinatal loss support group not long after we lost our daughter, Stella. It has been quite helpful to share our story with others and to hear what others have been through. I was amazed at how common infant loss really is, whether it's in the form of miscarriage or still birth or some other form death before a child's first birthday. The statistics are quite humbling, and it's safe to say that you know someone, or know someone that knows someone, who has experienced a loss of this nature. People just don't talk about it, which is why support groups, both online and in person, are so helpful.

In one of our discussions at a recent support group meeting we were talking about interpersonal relationships, and one of the men said that he didn’t like to be “should on.” When he felt like someone was telling him how he should feel, or what he should do, he would tell them, “Don’t should on me!” I’ve known for some time that “should” was a word to watch out for, but I was glad to hear someone else acknowledge it.

“Should” is often used in a way that implies we know how things are supposed to be (“supposed to” is another way of saying “should”). This implies that we know how life should be unfolding in any given situation. We get upset or experience some form of frustration when we're wrong about things, which is why we never really allow ourselves to admit when we're wrong. Instead of accepting being wrong, we declare our rightness by saying things should be different in order for them to be right, or at least meet our vision of what's right. So, you could say that no one is ever wrong about anything and that it’s the world that’s wrong, which explains a great deal about human conflict -- both internal and external.

Though “should” usually comes from a place of “I know best,” it doesn’t always come across as negative. It can be as innocent as, “You should try some of this pie,” or some other type of invitation, or positive encouragement to join in something someone thinks you would enjoy. But it can be a slippery slope to more negative things if you decline an invitation but are continually pressured, or made to feel bad for declining. A slight shift can also turn an invitation into a suggestion with negative undertones, like, “You should really stop eating pie.”

As you can see there is a gray area, and the person being "should upon" could easily feel like a victim regardless of the intentions of the "shoulder." However, most people are well-intentioned since they think they're right about everything. They are just innocently trying to make everything else right that they see wrong, or make everything the way it should be. Makes sense doesn't it? After all, that's what we’ve been doing all along.

The bottom line is that the word "should" is usually at the root of all mental or emotional suffering. Look at any aspect of your life that makes you feel angry, sad, frustrated, etc., then look for the "should." When you feel a negative emotion, it typically means that something is wrong, as in something out there doesn't mesh with the way things are supposed to be.

The root “should” will take various forms. “He shouldn’t have said that.” “She should treat me better.” “He should be more understanding.” “I should have reacted differently.” “I should be able to afford nicer things.” In the context of our recent loss, the underlying should would be, "My baby should not have died." It all boils down to one central theme, “Things should be different than they are.” The effects of a “should” range from mild frustration to deep sorrow, but you can always find a “should” where suffering is apparent.

How can I stop shoulding on myself and others? I can notice it. I can look for it when I feel upset and question it. Is it true that this or that should have happened or not happened? How did I get to be all knowing enough to decide what should or should not be? I can’t possibly know the reason behind things that happen, and I can second guess them to death, but it just leads to more suffering. I’ve found that it’s much more helpful to recognize that “what is” could not be otherwise. Acceptance of “what is” is the only antidote for compulsive shoulding, and is also the key to peace. Acceptance is a way of saying, “Things are exactly as they should be, whether I can see any logic to it or not.”

Be careful not to should on yourself for shoulding. That just leads to circular frustration and is a form of not accepting your own habitual tendencies. In other words, don’t think that you should be more accepting than you are. Just notice when a “should” appears and look at it without judgment. Gradually the “shoulds” will become more apparent and cease to arise as much, or at least lose their power to cause suffering.

When it comes to relating to others, watch for “shoulding on another shoulder.” In other words, when someone else tells you what you should or should not be doing, and you say, “Don’t should on me,” it’s another way of telling them what they should not be doing. By all means, feel free to call someone out if you feel so compelled, just notice that you are matching their “should” with your own. Another option in that situation is to notice that they are doing to you what you have been doing to yourself and others all of your life: acting out of habitual tendency. When you notice their “should” without judgement or “counter-shoulding,” conflicts (internal and external) quickly subside along with the negative feelings that typically arise when you are being “should upon.”

You can’t do this life thing wrong, but you can live with more peace when you get tired of suffering. So, consider this to be a polite invitation to see what it’s like without “shoulds.”

Be well,
Trey

Stella’s Life

2011-01-08T18:32:00.000-05:00

My wife Shelby was admitted to the hospital on December 20th after she started feeling chest, back and arm pains. Since she was 23 weeks pregnant, we called the OB on call who confirmed that we needed to come to the hospital for some testing. She was diagnosed with HELLP syndrome, where the blood platelet count drops and liver enzymes rise to dangerous levels. Two different OB/GYNs we had seen in the past confirmed that they needed to “take” the baby in order to save Mom. They also told us that our little girl was too small to survive outside of the womb. By now she was about 3 weeks behind where she should have been size wise and too small to be “viable.”

We found out earlier in the pregnancy that she had a congenital heart defect, which was determined to be very operable with good chances of survival. We had also been told that she would most likely have Down syndrome. Though all of that news was absolutely devastating at the time, we took things one day at a time, and gradually came to grips with the prognosis. Despite all of our worries about the future of our child, we were looking forward to welcoming her into this world with love and kisses.

On December 23rd at 5:43 p.m., Shelby give birth to our baby girl, Stella Grace. But this didn’t happen on its own. It took several days and different methods of induction to finally bring about contractions. Stella just didn’t want to come, which made things that much more painful. The pain of dragging out the inevitable took its toll emotionally and physically. Shelby was subject to constant blood draws, blood pressure checks, and temperature monitoring. Her arms were black and blue from all of the needle sticks and IV ports. Since Shelby’s health was stable, all we could do was wait.

When the time finally came, Stella came quick. The doctor had just finished an exam, indicating that Shelby had finally dilated to 3 centimeters (they thought she needed to be at 5). The doctor and the nurse were on their way out when Shelby cried out that something was wrong. They seemed to think she was just having another contraction until her water broke and a little pair of legs poked out. As I stood there watching in a state of shock, the nurse and I helped her lay back. I held one of Shelby’s legs and the nurse the other, while the doctor started assisting in the birth, and Shelby started pushing.

As I watched, I remained calm and kept reassuring Shelby that she was doing great and that everything was going just fine. In reality, I was scared of what was about to happen, but I knew deep down that it was going to be okay. I tried to convey that trust to Shelby by smiling as she kept pushing.

It was a breach birth in which the feet and body came out first, and the umbilical cord was wrapped around Stella’s neck making her head a bit harder to come free. After some delicate coaxing, the doctor finally got the baby out. The doctor cut the cord, wrapped up the baby and put her in Shelby’s arms. I knew our little girl was either already dead, or only had a short time to live, so we just started caressing her and talking to her.

The nurse listened with her stethoscope and told us that there was a heartbeat. We just stroked her, and cried, and smiled at each other as little Stella laid on Shelby’s heart. She was tiny, only 9.8 ounces, but fully formed. She gasped for air a couple of times, which just broke our hearts more. We knew her lungs were not formed enough to actually breath, which is why they told us there was no chance of survival. She moved her tiny little arms, once to grab Shelby’s finger, and another time to put her own thumb in her mouth. She was too precious.

Our parents were all in the room and got to touch and talk to Stella as she laid on Shelby to keep warm. Another check of the heart by the nurse indicated the heartbeat was very faint. We cried and smiled and stroked her little head some more as the minutes ticked by. We took several pictures to capture the moment as best we could. Finally, at around 7:30 pm, she was pronounced dead.

At that point we requested that they do the same thing they do with living infants, so they took her weight, measurements, and footprints. They dressed her in a dress we chose from their selection and took some more pictures. We finally decided enough was enough and they took her away. I have to say that the nursing staff was so wonderful. It made a very difficult situation much easier. These women put the “care” back in “Healthcare” and I admire their level of compassion.

It was an emotionally and physically exhausting experience for us all, but especially Shelby. She did so great. She was such a wonderful mother even though she had such a short time. She made sure Stella stayed warm as best she could, and made sure she felt loved as long as she could. I only wish it could have been longer.

Shelby was finally released from the hospital on Christmas morning. Leaving the maternity ward empty handed on Christmas was a tough thing to do to say the least. The walls were covered with pictures of beautiful little babies being held by adoring parents. It was as beautiful site as it was painful.

So now we’re learning to deal with the pain of a love lost. Shelby’s pain is understandably greater since she was the vessel for this life. She loved being pregnant, feeling the tiny movements and kicks that I could never really feel. I do my best to comfort her and love her, though I can only imagine how deeply her heart aches to have Stella Grace back in her arms.

Love was brought to life that day, if for no other reason, to show us that Love is eternal.

(See the full details of Stella’s memorial service)

The Miracle of Life

2010-11-11T01:38:00.001-05:00

I am pleased to announce to the world that my wife Shelby and I are expecting. By that I mean that she’s pregnant with our first child, who has an ETA of April 17, 2011. Needless to say, this a very exciting time for both of us. A miracle is unfolding as we speak :)

To be honest, I never really had any interest in kids up until a year or two ago. Before that, I thought all of my friends were crazy for wanting them. I saw procreation as something that people were just programmed to do, and I didn’t feel that same software running in me. But, as I started realizing that the secret to life’s beauty and perfection lay in the eyes of innocence, I started paying more attention to children, especially infants, and how they view this world. That was the kindling that started the flame of interest.

When you look at a wide-eyed baby staring at everything around them for the first time ever, it can give you an appreciation for the miracle of being present only to this moment, in all its glory. They see everything without a story, without judgments. They are born free from preconceived notions and beliefs, and completely open to what life has to offer (that doesn’t necessarily mean they like everything it has to offer). Infants have no fear of gaping at other people, or doing other things that adults tend to be embarrassed by, because they are ego-less beings. Babies are like little Buddhas, staring through untainted eyes, inviting us to do the same if we are willing.

As my appreciation for infants deepened, my desire to have a baby increased as well. It was like my biological clock had finally started ticking, and my wife and I started seriously talking about having a baby for the first time in our almost 20 year relationship. It was finally time.

Once the magic stick appeared with a pink plus sign, we were both excited, but it didn’t seem real until our first real Doctor’s appointment, where we got to see a little dancing being on the computer screen. Here was this tiny little organism that would one day be a human being.

That’s when I started visualizing holding our child for the first time, staring into its all knowing eyes, while I cry tears of joy at what a beautiful miracle this Life is. How magical it is to be able to create life. It’s something I always took for granted until it dawned on me how magnificent it really is. Life has been giving birth to Life since the beginning of time, and I never really appreciated it until now. I now understand why they refer to babies as little Bundles of Joy, because that’s exactly what they are. I tear up just thinking about seeing him or her smiling for the first time :)

It may seem to go without saying, but everyone you see around you was a tiny little Bundle of Joy at one point (technically we all started as tadpoles, but that’s neither here nor there). Imagine that! Every person that you meet is still that same innocent baby all dressed up in a mask. We start weaving our identity masks at young ages, and have them well crafted by adulthood, but nothing underneath has really changed since the day we were born. If you really take a close look at a stranger or a loved one, you can see the child in them, hiding under that mask. When you set aside your own mask, and look at the world through the eyes of the child you once were (and still are), you can see the innocence of others reflected back at you. It’s almost as if our mask creates theirs.

I’m ready for little baby Boo (our nick name for him/her) to show me the way to unmasked Love, though it’s hard to imagine not breaking down into tears of joy each time I look into those eyes. As you can probably tell, I am very excited about being a father (it still sounds kinda weird to say that), and I’m glad we waited until we were older to have a child because I needed to feel this sense of gratitude in order to be the best possible parent.

I could write for hours on this subject, but let me just end by saying, “Here’s to the miracle we call Life and all the Love it has to bring.” <3

In Peace and Love,
Trey

Your Body as an Antenna

2010-10-23T22:45:00.001-05:00

Close your eyes and visualize your body as an antenna, picking up invisible waves of energy from the environment around you. Feel the vibrational frequencies permeating your body. Do you experience a tingling sensation? Listen as your ears pick up sound waves coming in from all directions. Feel those same sound waves entering your body as well. Bask in the vibrations.

Feel the aliveness in your body as it breathes in air and expels it. Feel the body where it touches the chair you are sitting in. Stay with the sensations that are constantly being felt in the body. Give your full attention to the bodily sensations.

Do you notice that the mind goes quiet as you do this? Many people say they wish there was an off switch for the mind. Well this is it. You can’t give your full attention to your bodily senses and think at the same time.

Check back in with the sensations being received by the body. The head is the part of the body that receives the most sensations, like the top of an antenna. It hears, sees, smells, tastes, as well as feels.

Close your eyes again and check in with your head, the most sensitive part of the antenna. Listen to the sounds ~ Feel the face ~ “Look” at the empty space between your ears where the brain is located. Do you feel the alive emptiness of your head? It’s quiet in there even as it takes in sounds.

Focus on that silent, empty space inside your head. Focus on the silence underneath the sounds. If thoughts interrupt this silence, focus your attention on the silence underneath the thoughts, and on the silence which exists before and after the thoughts. Does this empty space in your head have any boarders? Keep your eyes closed and notice if that empty silence actually expands beyond the space between your ears. It’s all around the body, as well as within.

With your eyes open, look around and receive the visual input of the things around you. As you look around, wonder to yourself what it is that’s looking through these eyes. Look at the words on this page as if they are nothing more than shapes. These black characters are being seen by something. What is that something? Is it that same empty space behind your eyes? Focus your attention on that space as you read the following:

Space is behind my eyes.
Emptiness is looking at these words.
Is this what I am?
These words are being experienced, rather than read.
They are being felt as they enter the body through my eyes.
One ~ word ~ at ~ a ~ time.
With eyes closed, experiencing continues.
There is only this.
Silent experiencing.

Enjoy the peace that is available simply by paying attention to the experience.
Trey

Inescapable Here

2010-09-19T17:33:00.001-05:00

I’ve always been here.
Never to be anywhere else.
I can’t get away from here.
I try to be somewhere else, but I’m still here.
I leave and yet here follows.
I’m momentarily lost. Where am I?
I’m still here I just wasn’t looking.
I can’t get out of here. I can’t escape here. I’m eternally here.

I always thought I was going somewhere.
Now I know I’ll never get there.
Here is the only place on earth, and everything happens here.
Where else would I want to be?
Where else could I be?

We’re in the same here.
Together and here.
That’s where we’ve always been.
You seem to be way over there, but you’re still here.
Even when you’re not around, you’re still here.
My here, your here, our here, only one here.

Where is here?
Here is where I am laying in bed.
Later, here is at the market.
Then, here becomes a dentist’s office.
Here seems to be changing constantly.
Here I’m sitting cross-legged, here I am standing, here I am walking.
Every moment here seems to be somewhere else, but here never really changes.

Here, present, now.
Nothing not here.
Just here.
Just this.
Only here.

Trying to Make Sense of It All

2010-09-12T09:01:00.002-05:00

Hey Guys,

For many of us, Autumn is approaching as the northern half of the planet begins to seemingly tilt away from the sun. The Fall Equinox is about a week away, and change is much more noticeable as days shorten, temperatures cool and leaves begin to fall. Change is constant, but one thing remains the same, and that reliable constancy is what most of us are all looking for in order to feel safe and secure.

I’ve written a bit about how we tend to go about finding that one constant truth a bit before, but this writing came out of a recent discussion regarding the analytical approach to truth seeking. Being a very analytical person myself, it was fairly easy to analyze the process of analysis ;)

Definitions:
Reduction - Latin - To lead back, or bring down the size, quantity, value or intensity of something

Deduction - Latin - To move away from, or infer from a general principle

Words at their very basic level are vibrations of the vocal chords that we ascribe meaning to. Each vibratory noise has a definition, typically one that has been agreed upon by those in a given society who speak a common language. If you believe in evolution, then it’s safe to say that millions of years ago words began to form as a necessary part of human survival and development. As the human species began to migrate, so did different languages. I have no idea how the evolution of languages (much less dialects) really happened, but it is certainly a fascinating area to explore.

An interesting thing about language is that most words not only have an accepted dictionary definition, but are also accompanied by a mental image. That mental image usually varies from person to person, and is unique to his or her upbringing – cultural, parental, educational, etc. From that perspective it could be said that no two people “see” anything the same way since everything we see or experience is filtered through, and interpreted by, our personal grasp of language. For example, say the word “tree” and a mental image pops up of something, whether it is a generic tree or a specific tree, its setting is going to look different from the image that comes to mind for anyone else. As far as I can tell, the same is true for most words in our language.

So, what does this mean? It means that we are all seeing the world as one big run on definition, which we tend to assume is the same as everyone else’s run on definition. Then, when we encounter someone who has a different definition of something, we think they are wrong. Why wouldn’t we? After all, we have spent our entire lives determining which definitions are true and which aren’t by using language to define the world and ourselves.

How did we determine what’s true and what’s not? How did we go about figuring out this whole ball of wax? I would suggest it’s been through a process of reduction and deduction. First, we reduce the Universe into manageable concepts. It seems too much to take in as it is, so we organize it using words and categories, which formulate the foundation of our beliefs about the world. Instead of seeing shapes and colors, we learn to see things as distinct objects with names and characteristics. This starts when we are very young as our parents introduce us to the world we inhabit, and it is absolutely necessary for our growth and survival.

As we reduce the world out there into digestible ideas, we use those ideas to learn more about how the world works, and how we fit into it. In order to do that, we make deductions based on a combination of our acquired concepts and experiences (i.e. everything we have ever said, done, read, heard, seen, etc.). We combine our definitions with our experiences, and use them to determine what the world is really about. It would seem we are hard wired to desire knowing the truth, even if it’s only a relative truth.

Therefore, we reduce the whole into parts, then deduce or infer from our knowledge of those parts in an attempt to know the whole. So what happened to the whole that we had to reduce to find out what’s true and what’s not? We stripped it of its wholeness, then rebuilt it using words that someone handed us with attached definitions, which we assumed to be accurate. It’s still whole, we’re just not seeing it that way any more. We’re stuck seeing our interpretations of it.

So, if our desire to know the truth is indeed instinctual, we go about trying to find the whole again (i.e. truth) with our filtered and diluted deductions about the world. We’ve broken it down, then built it back up, but can never completely rebuild it. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle of the Universe where pieces are missing – we are constantly running into gaps as we try to rebuild it.
When we run across an area where a piece is missing, we either fill it in by deduction (cutting a piece to fit), or just forget about it and leave it blank. But, no matter how hard we try, we’ll never get an accurate view by using what we’ve learned. That’s why it’s said that discovering the truth involves unlearning what we think we know, and a surrendering of our preconceived ideas, beliefs, and opinions.

Our ability to parse environmental data and extrapolate that information to reach certain conclusions about the inner workings of the world is a wonderful gift. The mind is a very powerful tool, and all you have to do is look around to see examples of how well it has served the evolution of the world we live in. All of the modern technology we take for granted (i.e. the wheel, indoor plumbing, electricity, atom bombs, iPods, etc.), we owe to the incredible power of the mind. But it’s important to realize that it has an equally destructive side to it that has resulted in hundreds of years of war and suffering.

However, if you look you will see that most of the mind’s energy is wasted on trivial matters: dwelling on past conversations, speculating on future encounters, wondering what others think of us, passing judgment, singing a song you can’t get out of your head, etc. Here’s a quote from Gina Lake’s book “Radical Happiness.”

“We need the mind to function, but it is also full of useless and incorrect information – conditioning – that passes as facts. We need the aspect of the mind that allows us to do mental work, but we don’t actually need the egoic mind to function. Self-realization entails a certain mastery of the mind that includes being aware of our thoughts and being able to discriminate between ones that have some truth and usefulness and ones that don’t.”

Finding the truth involves finding who we were before we “knew” everything. That’s why the present moment is the key. Without past everything becomes new again, just like when we were infants looking at this world in a state of awe. Katie Davis says it well in her book “Awake Joy” – “When you are free of past mental images, you recognize that the world is created new every moment that you become aware of it.”

That new and mysterious world is staring you in the face 24 hours a day, and has been all along. Do you want to see it for what it truly is? You have to be willing to set aside everything you hold true. Drop all of your labels and look at what’s in front of you right now.

Peace,
Trey

P.S.
Here’s a parting quote from Eckhart Tolle’s book “Stillness Speaks” – “When you perceive without interpretation, you can then sense what it is that is perceiving. The most we can say in language is that there is a field of alert stillness in which the perception happens. Through “you,” formless consciousness has become aware of itself.”

Spiritual Correctness

2010-07-30T00:14:00.002-05:00

I hope you all are doing well and enjoying the Summer heat. Enjoy it while it lasts ;)

I've been sitting on this blog post for a while now. It's created a bottle neck effect on the other ones that want to push through and be shared, so I had to get it off my chest, so to speak.

I have found myself at a bit of a crossroads lately. I’ve written quite a bit on the subject of “enlightenment” over the last few years, much of it representing where I envisioned readers to be on their own path, which has also reflected where I have been on mine. However, I have tried to avoid certain ideas that might turn some people off. As I ran across quotes and insights, each one was instantly judged based on how useful it would be for my projected audience. As time went on, I found myself revising my writing more and more to make the message more palatable for the potential readers in my mind. All of this has become much more noticeable of late, which makes me think I used to be less concerned about how my message was received than I am now.

The Internet has increased the exposure of my writing, and its potential circle of influence and exposure. The potential audience has now diversified and left me a bit uncertain as to who will be reading these words. Will it be spiritual adepts, teachers, critics, or will it be the curious and beginning seekers (which seems to be mainly who I have had in mind when I write)? Is it possible to write something that resonates with everyone? Whose needs am I trying to appeal to anyway?

Up until now, I have had a “known” audience of about 90 people on an email list comprised of friends, family, and acquaintances, plus a blog. So, I have written with many of those people in mind. Now, there are online discussion groups popping up all over for Truth seeking people and those interested in enlightenment. There are a lot of people out there, such as myself, who have a very firm grasp on the ideas surrounding enlightenment. They have it all figured out on an intellectual level, have had a few awakening experiences, and want to tell people how it is. I’m no different, but I am not one to debate another on what’s true and what’s not (at least not openly ;), but that’s what I have seen in some of these online discussion forums.

There are those people drawn to these discussion groups wanting more insights from fellow seekers or teachers. Then there are others who seem to have all the answers, while others who disagree and point out inconsistencies in what someone else has said. Ultimately they are all saying what’s true for them and disagreeing with someone else who doesn’t see things the same way. In many cases it’s a philosophical debate over semantics among egos about Oneness.

After seeing this a couple of times, I decided these groups weren’t for me. Obviously there is no harm in a friendly debate, which is what these tend to be. But if I don’t resonate with what’s being said on a deep level, then it’s just brain candy and fodder for the ego. Having said that, I have benefitted from this ego fodder because it has pointed out my own judgments I have about people, but that’s a different story.

I have found online discussion forums that are a bit more structured, which involve an actual teacher answering questions, that serves members well. A spiritual teacher who is willing to foster and facilitate online discussions is a wonderful thing. Not only is it enlightening, but it prevents endless debates from arising, and actually points readers toward what lies underneath the words.

As for me, there is nothing I can say that is actually true (except for maybe what I just said). However, I am finding myself projecting out my own insecurities, being careful not to say something that an imaginary spiritual critic might take issue with. Basically, my ego is trying to protect itself from criticism by censoring what it says. The increasing tendency to revise is how its desire for praise is manifested. This is very interesting to notice and acknowledge, so I felt compelled to share it.

Of course, this idea filtering has been going on all along, I just happen to be noticing it more and more these days. Much of what I have written has been written with specific people (or types of people) in mind, and my perception of how my message would be received by those people based on my story of them. I have avoided using many terms and phrases that I thought might alienate those with only a mild curiosity, or those who still have firm beliefs. I would prefer to tone it down a bit rather than cause a mind to close down by stepping on a sacred cow (so to speak).

My intention has always been to spark interest in those who have accepted simply being content with life, rather than search for that unadulterated joy that’s at their fingertips. That joy is what we are all searching for, and I want everyone to know that it is attainable at this very moment. This is something that everyone should know.

Now that I am becoming connected with more and more people via Facebook, I am feeling a bit more pressured to watch what I say. There is great potential here to reach hundreds of people with tiny bits of wisdom that might resonate with someone who had no interest in the idea of enlightenment before. I think the key is not to make broad sweeping statements as an authority figure (i.e. “This is how it is.”), but instead scatter ideas or questions that might spark interest.

It’s yet another example of how I have been living my life. I find my actions governed by what I think “so and so” will think about such actions or words. It’s been that way all along and I’m seeing it for what it is more clearly now – protection of the ego. At this point I feel it’s time to be a bit more free with my words, with less concern about how the imagined world perceives them to be. I can learn more about myself by seeing the “me” in “you” anyway ;)

Peace,
Trey

A Dream Come True

2010-02-06T23:52:00.002-05:00

Here's something I invite you to ponder.

What if this moment was what you had been hoping and praying for all of your life? No matter what you are doing, whether it be taxes or walking the dog or looking at a computer screen, imagine what it would be like if this was your dream come true. Don’t get hung up on the skeptical thoughts, just feel what it feels like to have your hopes and prayers finally be answered. What does that feel like? Experience it fully and deeply – This is it! I finally made it! It’s what I have always needed! Allow yourself to smile :-)

Pause to feel it........

I suggest you do this periodically throughout the day. When you are feeling a bit bored or frustrated, stop and imagine that you have finally achieved your life’s purpose. Sit with the feeling for a minute – This negative situation is actually what I have always wanted, but I decided to call it negative for some reason. This situation is the perfection I’ve been seeking all of my life. My life is now completely fulfilled.

Notice how the mind says, “Yes, but I don’t want this. This is a lie.” It may think what you’re experiencing is painful, or wrong, or mundane, but what if your mind is actually what’s wrong? See what happens if you ignore your doubts and concentrate on the feeling of, “Yes! This is what I have always wanted! My whole life has led up to this incredible moment!” Remember to smile and breath a sigh of relief. Laugh if you feel like it :-D

Pause to feel it........

That feeling you feel of fulfillment and joy and peace is actually available to you at anytime. What brings it about is not the situation, but the acceptance of the situation as being the necessary unraveling of your life situation. This peace sets in when you finally give up your desire to be at peace. You are always at peace, but you’re too busy searching for it to notice.

When the seeking subsides, peace and joy can finally shine through. This is actually your true nature, and you can experience it every moment of everyday if you are open to it. All you have to do is realize that all of your dreams have come true. As you do this more and more, the gratitude that comes from that realization will begin to creep into your daily routine because it wants to be free. It wants you to notice. It wants you to realize the joy that you already are, and have always been.

In gratitude,
Trey

Why Ask Why?

2010-01-31T12:06:00.001-05:00

Over the past few years (since around 2006 or so), I have been in an off and on state of mentally describing my discoveries on the topic of enlightenment, or awakening, or self-realization, or whatever word turns you on the most. I have found that as I begin to see through the illusory nature of the world, I begin to mentally talk about it. The mental movement comes from the idea or feeling that “This must be shared,” which is something I’m sure I’ve shared with you before.

This compulsion to share can be frustrating if looked as a mental distraction that perpetuates the ego, or it can be seen as a gift in disguise. Something has been driving me, to share these things with everyone I know. Mental notes to describe insights happen anyway, so why not just accept it and share them? They obviously want to be shared.

On some level, this sharing has been my life’s purpose for some time now. However, I’m not really the one doing the sharing and they’re not really my words. I am a pawn in the game of life being used to help other pawns realize their true nature. But that’s easy to loose sight of when you are still grappling with ego, and so the story of being the doer continues.

Recently it occurred to me that my desire to share insights with others might actually be a veiled form of resistence, or a desire for things to be different from the way they are. My desire would be for “my” words to intensify “your” desire to awaken. “I” desire for “you” to be different from the way “you” are (i.e. more enlightened). However, by doing The Work on this idea it becomes obvious that it’s actually “me” that I want to be different. After all, “you” are a mirror of what’s going on in “me” and are reflecting my own non-acceptance of who I am.

From that perspective there seems to be two movements going on – there is the desire for you/me to be different, as well as a compulsion to share things that might make a difference. Which comes first? Is it possible that the compulsion is always happening and that I am imposing the idea that it might be happening out of a desire for change? Or, do I want change so badly that I am driven to pass on pertinent information in hopes of bringing about that change? Are they really separate? Does it matter? Either way Life is living me and this mental dialogue is another way in which the mind likes to do what it does best – analyze the hell out of things.

I can spend my time trying to find answers, or I can spend my time trying to find the truth. The truth is that which has no answers. The truth is that which can’t be put into words. It’s the desireless state of full acceptance of what is. It’s unconditional love. What’s going on in our lives is exactly what needs to be going on in our lives. The life situation is an ongoing invitation for us to wake up out of the dream of being trapped inside a body with all of the problems that go with being trapped inside a body. Acceptance, not analysis, is key to self-realization.

With the idea in mind that everything happens a reason, there is a natural tendency to look at things that happen and search for specifics as to what it is life is actually trying to tell me. The situation can be looked at under a microscope for traces of answers that will satisfy the mind, or simply accepted as part of the play of life. So, why ask why, when you can ask who am I?

Peace,
Trey

It All Starts With Mindfulness

2009-12-26T22:14:00.001-05:00

I took a bit of a break from writing between March and November. I felt a need to wind down a bit. That’s due in part to a feeling of, “What more is there to say?” Anything I said would just be a repeat of something that’s already been said. But I have benefitted greatly from re-reading the same thing at a later date, as well as reading the same thing stated a different way. Plus, technically there is nothing “new” about anything I’ve said so far. So, I decided to start putting ideas on digital paper again and ended up at the beginning again – mindfulness.

If you want to live a better life, filled with less stress and anxiety, it’s really quite simple. It all begins with mindfulness. The ability to notice what’s going on in the mind and body is crucial, and also takes practice. We can’t really control our thoughts because they have a mind of their own (no pun intended). What we can do is take a step back from our thoughts and witness their redundant, incessant, and often trivial activities.

Anyone can notice what thoughts they are thinking at any moment in time just by “looking.” One way to start out might be to deliberately think thoughts, or mentally recite something while you watch the thoughts happen. There are your thoughts, and here you are, witnessing them. I recommend you do this as often as possible with your everyday thoughts since mindfulness creates a solid foundation for a better life.

If you want to take mindfulness to the next level, you can “look” at who or what is witnessing these thoughts. “Who am I,” is the basic question to ask over and over again, while continuing to direct your attention toward the witness behind your thoughts. However, that is a topic for another discussion, and I think most people start out just practicing mindfulness on a more personal level, focusing attention on their life situation.

On that more personal level of mindfulness, you can really learn a lot about yourself when you watch how you think in different situations. I have found it immensely helpful to have read books by Eckhart Tolle and Byron Katie because they have helped point out specific repetitive thought structures that most of us have going all the time, as well as their adverse affect on our state of being. In fact, I wouldn’t even know that these thoughts were going on, much less that they were at the root of my problems, had it not been for these great teachers. Simply knowing that thoughts prevent us from seeing the beauty all around is an idea that encourages us to get out of our heads and to wake up.

There are a few basic kernels of wisdom that I have found helpful to keep in mind while being mindful. I am not my thoughts. I can’t control my thoughts, but I can observe them. My thoughts only represent my past conditioning. When I feel worried, I realize that I am mentally living in an imagined future. Life is my mirror, and when I think negatively of another, it is actually me I am thinking negatively of. I forgive easily and forget quickly.

If someone lashes out at me, rather than react, I try to notice what thoughts or emotions are triggered. In most cases, no reaction is better than any action at all. I recognize that I am not the cause of their upset, nor they of mine. Past conditioning and mental stories are the actual culprits. When I do notice resentment, I bring myself back to the present moment, realizing that, in reality, the past never really happened. I am the only one keeping it alive with my thoughts. Plus, since no two people see anything the same way, the past I’m feeding is completely different from that of another.

Feelings of conflict or stress can serve as a reminder to notice what thoughts are doing to me. Since negativity always stems from some sort of judgment, it helps to mentally do The Work (by Byron Katie) throughout the day. When I find myself lost in compulsive and repetitive thought, I notice the frustration that can cause, then try to bring attention back to what I am doing at this moment and give it my full attention.

The thing I’ve noticed about being mindful, and the knowledge I’ve gained from looking at my reactive nature, is that the movement of mind is very subtle. My ability to notice when I feel defensive has improved dramatically, and there is much less stress and conflict in my life. But, this can make it more disturbing when conflict does occur. A feeling of frustration or disappointment is often present after a stressful moment has occurred. A feeling is like a hidden thought that is not in words but felt in the body, and is sometimes more difficult to notice. If investigated, I find that this negative feeling might stem from thoughts like: “I should know better,” or “ When will I realize that my thoughts just a result of past conditioning?” or “ Why can’t I recognize that I am the only cause of conflict in my life?” or “ When will I be free of compulsive thinking?”

All of these questions are simply forms of self-judgment that can carry us away into a story of lack and insufficiency if left unchecked. It helps me when I notice these thoughts or feelings of self-judgment to remember the necessity of all things. For example, it is necessary for me to feel or experience such thoughts in order to point out hidden pockets of resistance. It is my challenge to be made aware of my resistance to what is, then accept what is (even if I am accepting my own lack of acceptance). What I experience is what I need to experience, even if it doesn’t feel all that pleasant. Accepting one’s own failure to live up to some mind created standard is a practice that grows easier with continuous self-observation. As a result, failure is seen as success in spotting the falseness of the mind created standard.

This is all part of a gradual Awakening. Life just gets better as we release old habits and ways of thinking. The past we drag around with us seems to get heavier as we go, but it has always been heavy. We are just starting to realize just how heavy it really is. Mindfulness is at the root of lightening the load.

Peace,
Trey

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-25T03:43:00.001-05:00

I hope you all are enjoying the change of the seasons. As the leaves fall, the sky gets larger, the nights grow longer. The stars seem brighter and more prevalent, and the outside world becomes more still as the birds and insects disappear. An exciting change is in the air.

Thanksgiving is also upon us. This is one of my favorite holidays because it serves as a reminder to look at all there is to be grateful for. I am grateful for my family and friends, for their love and support. I am grateful that I have come to see how much love there is in the simplest act. I am grateful for this beautiful planet we inhabit. I am grateful for technology that has enabled me to connect with so many people from my past and present.

At the most basic level, I am grateful that I exist. What a miraculous gift! How is it even possible to express enough gratitude for my pure existence? I am also grateful for all of the great teachings that have come into my life, which have led me to appreciate all there is. Everywhere I look I can see things to be grateful for – if I look close enough. I would like to encourage all of you to look at all of the little things there are to be grateful for as well.

Many of us have mixed feelings about coming together with friends and family over the holidays. Some are eager to reunite, and some are a bit reluctant (or a combination of both). It can be a time of stress when it comes to preparations that need to be made. We want everything to be just right. We love it when things go our way. But things don’t always go the way we want, which causes stress. I encourage you to recognize when this happens and be grateful that things are always going exactly the way they are supposed to, whether it coincides with our plans or not. Gratitude is the greatest stress reliever.

If the casserole gets burned, or the turkey gets overcooked, or someone forgets to bring dessert, be grateful. Things have gone exactly as they are supposed to and you’ve been given a great opportunity to realize and appreciate that. If disagreements happen among family members over politics or other family matters, another opportunity for growth has arisen. Once you realize that life could be no other way than it is right now, true forgiveness can occur. When we forgive, gratitude is a natural byproduct. This gratitude stems from not having to bear the heavy burden of resentment and anger. If we recognize that we are acting out of anger or frustration, we can then forgive ourselves and experience the gratitude of being forgiven.

As I was writing this, an Eckhart Tolle quote crossed my path. “Forgiveness happens naturally once you realize that your grievance serves no purpose except to strengthen a false sense of self (ego). Forgiveness is to offer no resistance to life – to allow life to live through you. The alternatives are pain and suffering, a greatly restricted flow of life energy, and in many cases physical disease.”

To truly forgive is to rid yourself of the burdensome weight of the past. Holding on to the past – whether that be 5 minutes ago or 5 years ago – will only lead to more suffering. To forgive and forget is to bring attention back to the only moment we will ever have: Now. Be thankful for Now by recognizing it as the one thing that matters.

Happy Thanksgiving,
Trey

Powerful Pointers

2009-03-11T22:32:00.002-05:00

Ever since I discovered the idea of enlightenment a couple of years ago, I have felt compelled to find out as much as I could about it. I have been a researcher of sorts, taking in all of these things compiling them, sharing them with others, etc. My intellectual comprehension has continued to deepen, as has my experiential understanding. What I have found quite useful is reading certain things that resonate with me multiple times. I have found that I am not always present enough to hear what is being said the first time. In effect, I may not be ready to hear this now, but may be later. The other benefit to continuing to read about such things is that it serves as a constant reminder to look deeper. Otherwise, you read a book about enlightenment and say, “Well, that’s interesting,” and then leave it at that.

However, it seems to be that we all want the same thing: a sense of peace that is not determined or affected by what the world throws at us. We all want to be happy. So, it seems in order for us to do that, we have to be able to be completely at peace with who we are. How can we be happy when we are playing a role, trying to please others? Why can’t we just be ourselves and not care about pleasing others? What if being ourselves is all it takes to please others? Then we must first recognize who we truly are beyond the roles we have played all of our lives.

Along my personal journey, I have picked up various pointers that have resonated with me. Pointers are wonderful tools that help guide the mind toward what we truly are. We, in effect, use this mind to search for ourselves, but can’t rely on it to understand what we are looking for. Intellectual understanding is great, and I think is a necessary part of finding yourself, but eventually those mental concepts become a hindrance and have to be put aside to make room for the actual experience of what is true.

The pointers I have provided below have helped me bring about the experience of understanding rather than the mental movement of understanding (though both seem to happen). I invite you to experiment with them on your own to see what happens. Try sitting with one pointer, or one sentence of a pointer for a while rather than just give it all a once over and forget about it. You may find that some of them work some of the time and not at others, but I recommend try them all over and over. It might be helpful for you to copy and paste them into a document you can print out for future use, or write some on post it notes to place around as reminders.

Lately I’ve found that the most simple, yet profound, pointers are those that just tell you to look at yourself. In fact, according to John Sherman, if you simply look at yourself as often as you think of it, you are guaranteed to find what you are looking for, which is what you have always been and didn’t realize it ;)

Pointers:

When needless thoughts arise and you notice them, turn them into gibberish or replace them with blah blah blah. Witness the thoughts as they turn into meaninglessness and disappear into silence.

What’s more real, the thoughts in my head, or the fact that I am here? Check in and see.

Simply look at yourself. Not in the mirror. Just look at yourself. Ask yourself, “Who am I?” and follow your attention inward, as if your point of focus has rotated 180 degrees.

Look at who you think you are. Look at your mind made image of yourself, how you see yourself, how you think others see you. What is really there?

Point your finger around at different objects, looking at what it points at along the way. Then point the finger at your own face. Look at what it is pointing at.

Who or what is looking through my eyes? Close your eyes and “look” (or focus your attention) at what’s right behind your eyes.

Focus your attention on your inner body. Feel the life underneath your skin. Feel your breath.

Be still and notice the stillness around you. Listen to the silence underneath the noises you hear.

Focus on the empty space around you. Look around and become aware of the space that encompasses everything.

Think about this: Nothing ever happened. Everything in the past is just your imagination.

There is just this. Just what is in front of you at this moment. The only thing that really exists is just this, only this. Right here, right now.

Look at things for the first time, as if you had never seen them before. Drop your stories and labels and just look through the eyes that don’t know anything. What was it before you knew what it was?

Let it (everything) be, just as it is. Look at the simple isness of it. See it only for what it is. It is simply here, just here, in your presence, and you are aware of it being present.

Look at your hands as they manipulate things. Watch them as they move around with their own innate intelligence. You don’t need to control them, they know what they’re doing. What will they do next? Just witness.

You are not the doer. See what it’s like when you stop pretending to be in control. Just let the body lead the way and see where it takes you.

I am ALWAYS right here. I am, and always have been, aware of my own existence, my here-ness. I am never not aware that I exist. In every circumstance, I am always aware of the space that I am in. The one constant, never changing fact is that I am aware of myself. I am totally conscious (aware) of being here (present) where ever I am. I see that I exist even when I am unaware that I am aware. “I am” even when I don’t know “I am.”

Look at a past memory. What was it that was there witnessing it? What hasn’t changed since then? What has always been there, where every you have been, what ever you have done? You. Your simple “you-ness” has always been present at any given point in your life. Quietly watching your life unfold.

What if this same witnessing presence that looks through your eyes is the same witnessing presence that is looking through everyone else’s eyes? Look around at others as if your witnessing presence is actually the same presence looking through their eyes. In effect, take your awareness and wrap it around behind the eyes of others. The only difference is your outward appearance and your past experiences. You may have different thoughts, but that which is always here for us (our witnessing presence) is the same for all of us.

If I’m asked, “Are you enlightened yet?” I would say, “Yes. I always have been. I just haven’t fully realized it yet.”

Driving (or walking) Meditation:
As you drive down the road (highways and byways where there is not stop and go traffic is best), focus your eyes a slight bit higher, or lower, or to the left or right of where you would typically look. As you do so, open up your field of vision so that you are focusing not just on what is in front of you, but also what is in your peripheral vision. Expand your view so that you are taking in more of the scenery all around rather than just what is right in front of you. Experiment by looking around at different points in front of you (i.e. a little to the left of center, a little above center, etc.). As you do so, remain aware of your peripheral vision. You can simultaneously be aware of what is in front of you and what is all around you. You can enjoy looking at the sky as you drive down the road just with a slight shift in your perspective. Even the lines painted on the road are more alive when they are noticed. Take it all in. Be aware of it.

As you do this, notice if you feel any tension in your body. Relax into it by taking a smiling breath. This is life. It’s always all around you even when you don’t notice. Don’t be afraid to look around when you drive. You don’t even have to turn your head to do it. Surrender to the fact that you don’t have any control over your fate when you get in a car (or in any other circumstance for that matter). There’s nothing to fear if life is giving you everything you need to experience to bring about your own fulfillment. In short, you’re not driving, you’re being driven. Since we’re all on a hunk of rock that’s spinning a thousand miles per hour and hurtling through space at half a million miles per hour, why not sit back and enjoy the ride?

25 Things

2009-03-10T23:31:00.000-05:00

An interesting little Facebook note came my way asking me to write 25 things about myself and pass it on. I felt that it was an opportunity to share some teachings with people who might never have been exposed to such ideas. It’s mostly a summary of things I have picked up from Eckhart Tolle and Byron Katie. So, here is what I originally wrote (I later went back and made it more of an autobiographical note as the instructions suggested). I will take these ideas to a deeper level in my next post.

1. I like collecting seeds of wisdom and sowing them around the world in an attempt to make it a happier, greener place to live. Take only that which resonates with you and forget the rest.
2. You are not the thinker. Your thoughts are not who you are
3. You are totally at the mercy of life. You don’t live life, it lives you.
4. Believing your thoughts eventually leads to suffering (i.e. boredom, discontentment, complaining, frustration, anger, etc.)
5. Let everything be just as it is, without mental labels
6. Now is all there ever is. Everything happens, and has happened, in the present moment. You are, and always will be, present.
7. Your thoughts create a veil of stories and labels that prevent you from seeing what life truly is
8. Give your fullest attention to what you are doing right now as often as you can
9. Pay attention to the feeling of your inner body, or your breathing, as often as you can
10. Listen to the voice in your head as it talks about everything around you. Know that those thoughts are simply part of your past conditioning and are not who you are. Do not judge yourself for having them. Just notice.
11. Who are you really? If you set aside your mind made identity, what’s left?
12. Everything you have ever experienced was necessary to bring you to where you are now, which is exactly where you are meant to be.
13. Who would you be without your story, without your name, without your history?
14. Look at where your hands are right now. Look at how you are sitting. Did you plan that or was it just a happening?
15. There is my business, their business, and God’s (reality’s) business. If you are in someone else’s business you are not living your life.
16. All of your judgements toward others are actually about you. When you judge someone, look to see if you can find an element of that judgement living within yourself.
17. Everyone, including you, is doing the best they can given their present state of consciousness. If you had lived their life, you would be acting in the same way they are.
18. All war, on a personal and collective level, stems from believing your thoughts to be true
19. What is, is. You can argue with it or accept it.
20. If you can witness your thoughts, then you are obviously not your thoughts. You are actually the witnessing presence behind those thoughts.
21. Pay attention to the empty space that contains all things.
22. Pay attention to the silence underneath the sounds, the silence between words or thoughts.
23. Look at the things in this world as if it was the first time you had ever seen them, as if you had no previous knowledge of what they were. What was it before you knew what it was?
24. Ask yourself “Who am I?” and direct your attention inward. Don’t look for and answer with the mind, just focus your attention at the source of the question. Who is it that asks the question?
25. The story of who you think you are is what prevents you from seeing your true nature as consciousness itself. Awareness is who you are. You have never not been aware.

Martin Luther King Day

2009-01-19T18:38:00.001-05:00

I would like to wish you all a happy and joyous Martin Luther King day. WNCW played his "I have a dream" speech on the radio earlier, and I was moved to tears. The presence and passion that this man exuded shaped this country in ways one could only imagine. His fearless fight for unity and justice through peaceful means served as an example of what life is truly about: Love.

Our nation has come so far in the last 40 years, due in great part to Dr. King and his connection with God. Now, his dream for this nation is taking a giant leap that could not have been imagined possible just a few decades earlier. Tomorrow, for the first time in history, a black man will be appointed President of the United States of America. These are truly historic times.

This, too, is why we are all here. We are that change. We are that unity. We are that love. We are that fearlessness. We are that God. We are here to awaken to the truth of who we are, and bring about the same unimaginable change that will save the world, even if we have to die to do it.

In the meantime, feel that gratitude that has allowed us to be alive at this moment, to be present as witnesses to what love can do to change the world.

In peace,
Trey

Let it Be

2009-01-04T18:16:00.001-05:00

Hello all,
I hope your new year is off to a great start and feel certain that this will be your year to shine. I wanted to pass this note on to those of you you might find it helpful in some way. Be well.

This could be considered a follow up to my previous post (And the Story Goes On), but I am beginning to fully realize, on an experiential level, the profound simplicity of the words, “Let everything be as it is.” This is something repeated by Eckhart Tolle and is also referred to as “accepting what is,” or accepting the “isness” of the present moment. I knew what it meant intellectually, and have been heeding this advice for a while now, but just recently experienced the meaning of the words more deeply. Despite the seeming redundant nature of this realization (based on previous experiences), I am slowly internalizing these pointers for what they are, due in part to continuous and repeated exposure.

In this particular case I was peeing in the toilet and as I looked down I dropped the story of what a toilet was and looked at it from the present moment perspective, as if I had no past reference to tell me what a toilet was. I just let it be as it was. As I did so the pure simplicity of its isness shined through. It had no name, no story, it just was present. I became simultaneously aware of the one looking at the toilet and thoughts subsided. The toilet was still a toilet, but I just let it be completely as it was, in its natural state of nothingness, as in no name or description. It was simply a never seen before object. It was just a presence, or something here, now. (BTW - I was still able to close the lid, flush, wash my hands, etc., but those actions took place without my needing to do anything, and I was able to just enjoy witnessing each step happen.)

It seems so simple to just let something be as it is, dropping the story and just accepting what is present as an indescribably mystery, as nothingness. That is, in essence, what it is. The word essence is one of those terms I had a mental image of, which meant I was missing the literal meaning of it. Essence for me conjured up the idea of some luminous core. But in simple terms, essence is just the simple or basic substance of something (you might want to look it up in a dictionary).

A toilet is, in essence, a molded ceramic object. But it becomes even more simple than that when viewed from a present moment perspective. It is, in essence, just some nameless thing with a certain shape and texture. But at the deepest level, when you are so present you have no past reference at all, it just is.

This slight shift in perspective is what it all seems to be about. Take any object and look at it. Remove the idea you have in your head about what it is. Look at it as if you have never seen it before. What is it? If it has no name, no known purpose, no labels, what is it you are looking at? What is it, in essence (or on the most basic level), that you have in front of you? Let it be there, just as it is, nothing more, without trying to figure it out or describe it.

For me, what “it” is becomes much more clear. It takes on a richer texture, a new vividness, and an aliveness all its own. Then, it can’t even be said to be an object, because what is an object? It just is. It is just as it is. Nothing more, nothing less. The innate beauty is available for viewing and experiencing when thoughts are removed from the equation. Thoughts about “it” cloud the simple isness of what it is. Its presence (or here-ness) is all there really is to it, but it is a wonderful thing to see.

Taking all of these terms and pointers in a more literal sense cleared things up for me. However, I have to say that becoming fully present is still not easy for me to do very often (sometimes it’s easier than others). It takes a willingness, or one could say a determination, to see what is for what it is. The mind likes to step in and describe or instruct, but thoughts too can be viewed in this same simple way. They are present and can be viewed as what is in this moment, especially when you view them from the perspective of not being “your” thoughts, or not taking them personally. This creates some space between You (the witness of the thoughts) and your thoughts, which makes them less likely to suck you in.

In short, you can change your perspective and change the world.
In peace,
Trey

And the Story Goes On

2008-11-24T00:58:00.001-05:00

Hey guys,
I hope you are enjoying the cooler weather and the sky that gets larger as the leaves on trees disappear. I wanted to pass this along as an invitation to take some time for personal investigation. I almost called this one “That’s My Story and I’m Sticking to It” but opted for something a bit simpler.

Byron Katie likes to ask, “Who would you be without your story?” In fact, that’s the name of her newest book. Eckhart Tolle tells us that “You are not your story.” I recommend spending some time looking at what who you are without your story. Seeing yourself without your story involves dropping your past. If you set aside all of the ideas of who you are, who are you? Where are you? What are you doing here? What is all this?

It’s a return to innocence we are talking about here. If you have kids, or watched children, then you have vicariously witnessed what the world looks like to someone who has no preconceived notion of what it is they are looking at. The fascination with the world around them is present without the mental constructs and labels grown ups have. It’s joyful to watch an infant looking out at the world with a sense of awe. That’s our true nature, but we lose site of it along the way as we carve out identities for ourselves and for others.

You are not your name. When that idea first came to me it was a bit shocking. It was as if the question, “Who would you be without your story?” had taken on a new depth to it. Before, I was Trey looking at who Trey would be without his story. Then, all of the sudden, I had to take Trey out of it. If I’m not my name, who am I? We’re so attached to our names, because we have been called by them all our lives, that we don’t even realize that who we are is far more than just a name.

What was it before you knew what it was? Look at anything around you and ask yourself, “What was that before I knew what it was?” There was a time when you didn’t know what it was. What was it then? It must have been a complete mystery. Just as the infant looks on the world with the same curiosity and wonder, you can look at that with the same nameless sense of wonder that permeates everything we have come to know.

Throughout each day, we are adding to and narrating our story. Our minds are like story tellers weaving a tale about everything that pops up in our life. I’m constantly telling stories in my head. In fact, for each one of the blogs I actually write up and send out, I mentally write half a dozen. My mind is busy writing instead of Being a great deal of the time. Or it’s caught in a vicious, repetitive, ego dominated conversation with someone who’s not there. When I realize it’s happening I have a choice to either stop the story, or just notice that it’s going on. But I still get sucked into my story over an over again.

Recently I started compiling my past blog posts into one big journal. I’ve been writing these for the past few years and decided I would put them all together into a book. It was beneficial for me to go back and read what I had once written, but in the process of compiling them I realized that I was contributing to the story of the guy who shares these ideas, insights and teachings with others, still seeing myself as my own mind made identity (or the “little me” as some have called it).

Why not just stop telling my story? In my case I think it’s my mind’s self-defense mechanism. When I am setting aside my story, dropping my thoughts, becoming present, connecting with the witnessing presence underneath, becoming still, allowing everything to be as it is (however you want to state it), the mind tends to come in with an attempt to describe it, or grasp it, thereby ensuring its survival. It is attached to the story and doesn’t want to let go. Who would I be without everything I hold as true? It’s a bit scary so the mind starts seeking and the story is then reborn. In fact, the story of the little me who can not see my true nature due to my attachment to my story, is yet just another layer to the story. Raman Maharshi said, “The only blockage to self realization is the idea that there is a blockage. You already are what you are seeking.”

I believe this is a quote by Papaji but I did not cite it when I wrote it down. “So put your story away. It is not who you are. People usually live carrying a burden of past and future, a burden of their personal history, which they hope will fulfill itself in the future. It won’t, so roll up that old scroll. Be done with it.” Gangaji invites us not to deny the story, but not to indulge the story either, and take an opportunity to see what is untouched by the story.

Byron Katie tells us, “We do only three things in life: We sit, we stand, and we lie horizontal. That’s about it. Everything else is a story.” The story is sticky because we’ve been telling it for so long, but what we truly are is far more substantial than just a name or a history or a set of beliefs. But don’t take my word for it. See for yourself who you would be without a story. See what the things around you would be without a story.
In peace,
The story formerly known as Trey ;)

Political Correctness

2008-11-02T23:34:00.004-05:00

This post was written prior to the election, As a post election note - I was over joyed to see Obama win the election in a landslide. These are some truly historic times we are all living in. I feel so lucky to be here to witness it.

Dear friends,

I hope you are enjoying this beautiful time of year. The Fall colors are in full force. The air is crisp. The insects that have been providing songs all Summer long are growing quiet. The nights are getting longer. But there is something else in the air. The impending election and financial crisis has a lot of people on edge. Politics seems to be on everyone’s mind and is the subject of many conversations. All while activists on both sides are doing their best to help ensure their candidate wins.

I have tried not to get sucked in by all of the drama, but I’ve watched a debate or two and listened to a few news stories. What I see is different people who have different ideas about what is best for our country. What I also see is negative light being cast on those who have a different idea about what’s best for our country. “I’m right,” “No, I’m right,” seems to be the easiest way to sum it all up.

Regardless of what our political views are, we think they are right, otherwise we would not cling to those views. When these beliefs are held too tightly, it results in negatively judging those who do not agree. Often times people will go to great extremes to prove they are right and the other person is wrong. This is what wars are fought over. In fact, the ego can’t even entertain the possibility that our beliefs might be wrong.

The interesting thing about it is that no one can really be impartial or unbiased if they are clinging to beliefs. Everything they hear is colored by their beliefs. We only hear what we want to hear, which reinforces the belief that we are right. The spin doctor in the head (the ego) is being fed by the spin doctors of the candidates and the media (their egos).

I have not been very politically active since I became diagnosed with epilepsy, and found a new path to follow. If you haven’t heard the story before, I had my first grand mal seizure, which led to my diagnosis, on November 7, 2004 (my anniversary is coming up). I had just learned that John Kerry had conceded the Presidential election before all of the votes in Florida had been counted. I was quite shocked, and as I went into the kitchen to tell my wife, I seized. A while later in the ER, I was told I had had a seizure. Prior to that event, I was an avid Bush hater (though I’m not now), and had been very politically active since the 2000 election. So, this was a bit of a climactic experience that made me realize there is more to life than politics.

Needless to say, I am familiar with all of the frustration people have about politics. But I was lucky enough to have my priorities set straight after the last Presidential election. I now see how harmful this animosity for opposing views can be to everyone involved. I may have my own ideas about who might be best suited to run the country for the next four years, but I see both candidates as people who want to win for what they perceive to be the greater good. I no longer have any animosity for anyone, and know that it’s arrogant of me to think that I know what’s best.

I thought I would leave you with some lyrics from a Michael Franti (of Spearhead) song entitled “Is Love Enough” that seems well suited for this occasion. May we all remain open to the possibility that our ideas about what’s best may not be what is best after all.
In peace,
Trey

We want freedom of speech
but we all talkin' at the same time
We say we want peace
but nobody wants to change their own mind

And So it goes on and on and on and on and on
for a thousand years
A thousand years I say
And it goes on and on and on and on and on
What language are your tears
are your Tears

Everybody wants to live the life of kings and queens
but nobody wants to stay and plow the fields
Everybody wants to tell their neighbors how to live
but nobody wants to listen to how they feel

And So it goes on and on and on and on and on
for a thousand years
A thousand years I say
And it goes on and on and on and on and on
What language are your tears
are your Tears

What I got to say right now
is love enough, yeah
love enough, yeah
love enough
or can you love some more...

We Only Hurt the Ones We Love

2008-09-19T20:44:00.000-05:00

About a month or so ago, I was at the DMV getting my driver’s license renewed. As is common there was a fairly long wait. I was sitting there, observing my surroundings and meditating a bit. A man and woman came in and sat down across from me with their son (maybe 4 or 5 years old). The boy was interested in exploring a bit, but not straying far from his parents. The father decided the boy should be sitting in a chair next to him rather than wandering about. After the boy was placed in his chair, he got bored and got up to stand in front of his chair. The father gently popped his behind and told him to sit down. The boy really didn’t want to so the father decided it was time for some disciplinary action because the boy was not obeying. So, the man took the boy by the arm and walked him down a hallway to spank him. The boy knew what was coming and started to cry, causing much more disturbance than the boy was causing before.

When they came back the boy was sniffling a bit and the father placed him in the chair next to him. The boy got up and wanted to go sit on the other side next to his mother. The father was insistent that the boy sit next to him (the mother was reading something and not getting involved). When the boy went to sit next to his mother, against his father’s wishes, the man took the boy again by the arm down the hall. This time the boy was crying much louder than before and trying to pull away. He said through his tears, “I just want to be good.” Despite the boy’s plea, the father proceeded to take him down the hall and discipline him. It was very heart breaking and frustrating to watch.

When they came back the boy went over and sat by his mother, which was allowed this time. Meanwhile, I was grappling with my own emotions over what I had witnessed. I felt extreme compassion for the little boy who was just trying to be good. But I was having problems having compassion for the father. I thought about how this man was probably raised the same way and was under the impression this was the best way to raise a child. I thought about how this child’s karmic disposition placed him in this situation to somehow shape his life in unimaginably positive ways. I thought about the mother who stayed out of it the whole time, wondering if she had been taught by her husband not to get involved.

Despite all of this, I was still feeling anger toward the man. I tried doing The Work in my mind which lead me to remember something Byron Katie said in one of her books. She was asked how she would react if she saw a mother in a store abusing her children in some way. Katie said that she would see that and remember a time when she too felt that way, angry and confused at her children, lashing out at them. She said she might approach the woman with a deep compassion and ask if she could help, or even tell the woman that she too had been in her situation.

Since I have never been a parent I couldn’t quite identify from that perspective. But then it hit me. A few days earlier, my wife Shelby, and I were out running some errands. We had stopped at a store and I was going to run in for something. Shelby asked me something about getting a bite to eat while we were out, and I said something out of frustration, dismissing the idea as I got out of the car. As I got into the store I was struck by what had just happened. I saw Shelby’s face and mood go from upbeat to defeated. I saw the smile disappear from her face. I almost started to cry when I replayed the scene in my head.

I thought to myself, “What have I done?” “How could I be so unfeeling?” “How many times have I done that and not realized it?” She was trying to be nice and I had just acted pissy. I basically reacted out of unconscious habit, which I’ve been doing most of my life, causing unnecessary suffering each time. This time I caught it and I felt the pain it caused. I got a glimpse of true compassion. When I got back to the car I apologized for my behavior and resumed the conversation I had so rudely cut off.

Once the memory of this came back to me at the DMV, I was able to look at the man and see myself in him. I have been just as abusive to my loved ones without knowing it. How could I condemn someone else for doing something I myself have done in one form or another? I then felt compassion for this man (who is me) hurting the one he loves most out of total unconsciousness. It makes me want to cry thinking back on it all.

In hindsight I can see clearly that we are all just trying to be good. But when we are punished for it we shut down. It’s a self defense mechanism to protect us from getting hurt again. We begin to put up barriers to prevent future pain, barriers which also cut us off from love.

I can look back and find countless ways in which I have hurt my loved ones, which can lead to deep feelings of guilt and shame. But guilt can be a teacher showing us that there is a better way. The better way is to become fully conscious of our habitual thoughts and transcend them. Be willing to drop the barriers we have put up. Find compassion for all of our fellow human beings.

Now, when I find myself judging someone else, I just take a quick look and see that I too have been just like that, felt just like that, acted just like that. I am no different from anyone else on this planet. I have no one left to judge but myself.
Lots of Love,
Trey

Out of Control

2008-08-01T22:28:00.001-05:00

I hope you all are well. I'm sending this on the heels of the passing of my wife's uncle, who recently lost his battle with cancer. Since we have no control over when we die, what we do while we are here is always of the utmost importance. I hope the following will, in some way, help you enjoy your life to the fullest. After all, that's why I continue to share what I share.

One of the recurring themes in my readings and self inquiry lately has pointed me toward the idea that we are immersed in a continuous unfolding of events over which we have no control. What has been revealed to me more and more these days is that as things happen in our lives we impose thoughts on these happenings that make us think that we are somehow responsible for their occurrence. When in reality we can not know for sure, that we are actually responsible. It has been said many times by many different people that we are not the doer, nor are we the thinker. Our mind tells us that we are doing these things and can readily show us evidence of how true that is. But if you allow yourself to look deep enough to see the fallacy in that belief, you may get a glimpse of the freedom that can be experienced without that belief.

Byron Katie has this to say: “I invite everyone to notice where their hands are right now. Where their feet are right now and did you put them there? Did you plan it or was it a happening? You know, it could be that we are being done and everything else is just a story we’re believing and who would you be without your story? Not forever, but just right here, right now, in this moment, who would you be without your story?”

Our mind takes credit for what we do and may be uncomfortable with the idea that we are not the doer. It may think that it has to be a doer in order to get things done. The mind creates stories about what “it” does that just reinforce the illusion that the “it” doing things is the “me” I see myself as.

Jeannie Zandi poses these questions: “What if everything is always happening through you; not yours, not something you created? But is being created through you? What if it’s not up to you? What if it’s not even a little up to you?”

Eckhart Tolle points out that we are not the thinker. Instead we are being thought. In fact, our thoughts are not personal and have nothing to do with who we really are. They just arise and then disappear. When we believe them, we see ourselves as separate entities rather than the animating force behind our thoughts. His suggestion is to not take our thoughts all that seriously. Tolle also suggests that you can “choose” to step out of identification with the mind and into presence. But what is really happening when you choose to be present, is that presence is choosing to emerge. It appears that the little “me” is choosing it, but it is happening by itself. He points out that it is helpful to think that you are making it happen even though it is happening by itself through you.

Katie also has this to say, “Being present means living without control and always having your needs met. For people who are tired of the pain, nothing could be worse than trying to control what can’t be controlled. If you want real control, drop the illusion of control. Let life live you. It does anyway.”

I invite you to visualize what it would be like if you had no control over your life and where it takes you. Visualize what it would be like to know that everything that needed to be done would be done, right on time. What would it be like if every decision that needed to be made would be made through you and would be made in your best interest? I invite you to go deeply into what life would be like with the confidence that you are a puppet being guided through life by a force that knows what is in your best interest, where making mistakes are impossible. Observe that force in action as it breaths you, feeds you, walks you down the sidewalk, or drives you down the road. What does that experience look like for you?

For me it looks like total freedom. Total inner peace and acceptance of what is become the norm. From that place I could go about life following it wherever it decided to take me, without worry or stress or conflict, with a deep knowing that whatever happened was exactly what I needed. I wouldn’t become complacent, or worry about complacency, because something wants to experience this life to its fullest through me.

Michael Gazzaniga, a prominent neuroscientist, has this to say, “The left brain weaves its story in order to convince itself and you that it is in full control... What is so adaptive about having what amounts to a spin doctor in the left brain? The interpreter is really trying to keep our personal story together. To do that, we have to learn to lie to ourselves.”

Here is another quote from an interview with Byron Katie: “You know what I love about this world? No control. No control. Oh my goodness! What could be better than that? We are not the doer. We can just watch.” But when we believe the thoughts that say we are in control, and things don’t go our way, we become frustrated. When thought arises, and we see that thought as just another happening, we don’t use them to delude ourselves into thinking we are the doer.

John Sherman has this to say: “The idea that you are in charge of how this form [our body] meets the needs of others is arrogance. The idea that you are the one who is responsible for determining that just the right thing is said, or just the right thing is given, is arrogance... It is not your job to decide how you should be used. Really. You have no idea. Well, maybe you do have an idea, but ideas are useless!”

There is quote after quote I could share with you from various sources. Instead I just invite you to entertain the possibility that we are "being done" rather than "doing the doing". To do so makes surrender so much easier, and surrendering to what is is the ultimate key to peace.

When I asked Jeannie Zandi about how free will fit into the grand scheme of things, she said, “We must function with a full intentioned heart and at the same time with a sense of the futility of changing anything without the will of God. Basically that's what we surrender to - the Holy Will - and what we surrender is our own will.”

Katie puts it like this, “When you no longer have a will of your own, there is no time and space. It all becomes a flow. You don’t decide, you flow from one happening to the next, and everything is decided for you.”

Enjoy the ride. You can’t do it wrong :)
Peace,
Trey

Driving Lessons

2008-07-22T22:56:00.001-05:00

Three and a half years after being diagnosed with epilepsy and losing my driving privileges, I am now back in the driver’s seat. It was so beneficial for me to be relegated to the passenger seat all of these years, and I am just now realizing the significance of it all. It helped teach me surrender and acceptance of not being in control. I’ve ridden with many different people with different driving styles over the years and have had to put my faith in each one to get me from point A to B.

I wouldn’t say that I made a “good” passenger necessarily. There were countless times, while riding with my wife (who is a very good driver by the way), that I over reacted to situations by grabbing the “oh shit” handle. That tended to stress her out even more and it showed a lack of trust in her abilities. But I occasionally found myself preparing for what I thought would be certain impact. In effect, I was reacting to a future possibility that never happened. I gradually improved in my ability to remain present and allow it all to be.

Now that I am back behind the wheel I’m learning a great deal more about what driving is really about. I have tended to be a bit more inconsistent than I used to be, sometimes going under the speed limit and sometimes over, always knowing that I’m going the right speed. I’m just taking in the scenery from a whole new perspective. My wife, who is now having to adjust to passenger life with someone who doesn’t drive the way she does, sometimes points out that I am driving too slow or too fast. I’ve had a few good laughs over her comparing me to a 90 year old driver.

But one of the things I’ve noticed from this is that if I believe the thought that I am doing it wrong, I create stress for myself. It’s not her comments about my driving, it’s my reaction to them that does that. I love that. I can be a stress free driver if I so choose.

However, there is this whole other side of driving that I am rediscovering. Bad drivers used to be one of my pet peeves when I was behind the wheel. I lost that pet peeve as a passenger because it wasn’t my problem to deal with anymore, which gave me the ability to see the hidden lessons for those who were impacted by poor driving. Now I’m getting to see my old reactive patterns resurface. I see how easy it is for me to project onto other drivers.

For example, if I’m going the speed limit and someone behind me is following closely, I project that they are in a hurry and I am slowing them down. I can’t know that for sure, but when I believe that thought it creates tension in me. I notice a tendency to always be checking in with the surrounding cars and projecting how my driving is impacting their view of me. I notice tension in my right thigh, which has so much “riding” on it. (On a side note, I had a lot of body work done a few months back and discovered a great deal of pent up emotional energy in my right thigh).

Also, when I get in a situation where I cut off someone (it’s happened a time or two), I can create a whole story for the other person on how they might be angered by what I have done. I notice my tendency to justify my actions, possibly even blaming them. I can monitor them in my rearview, looking for evidence to support my belief about how they must be feeling. I see that happen and realize I am, again, the cause of my own stress. I’m seeing how I concoct stories about the drivers around me and how I’m affected by seeing them as stories instead of just other people going from point A to B, going through the same things I’m going through. What a wonderful lesson it has been to see driving without the stories.

Driving can be such a relaxing meditation when I don’t allow myself to believe the stories I create. I can give my full attention to the beautiful scenery, the road ahead, and allow myself to relax, knowing that whatever will be will be, as well as see things that cause tension as opportunities for personal growth. I’m being propelled through space, not knowing what the next moment will bring, without the stress of how I will react to it. Ultimately, even though I’m the one driving, I’m not in control anyway. But that’s another observation in and of itself. May you drive safely and without stories :)
In peace,
Trey

When to Act vs When to Accept

2008-06-29T22:24:00.002-05:00

One of the gray areas for me on my journey has been acting on vs. accepting what is. I would like to share with you my own experiences with this in terms of interpersonal relationships, as well as what I have read.

As an example, when I am engaged in a conversation with someone and they say something that I feel is untrue about myself, I accept that rather than react to it (unless I slip up). In fact, I go a step further to look for the truth in what is being said to me. Other people tend to point out the things in us that we don’t want to deal with or haven’t dealt with yet, especially if what they are saying causes an emotional reaction in us.

Aside from that, what they are saying is true for them even if I see it as being false. Sometimes I see how another person is actually projecting their own issues onto me, but I don’t point that out to them as that is their business. Plus, I may be tempted to use that observation as an escape route from my own culpability. The main thing I do is notice how I feel when that happens and respect the other person where they are on their journey. I don’t try to convince them they are wrong.

The reality of this moment is what is being presented to us, regardless of what form that takes. As Byron Katie points out, “When I argue with reality, I lose – but only 100% of the time.” So rather than argue with reality because I don’t like what it has presented, I try to make peace with it and take action from that space. I remember that we are always being presented with exactly what we need at this moment, otherwise it would not be happening. I try to look at my life situation as if it is calling me to awaken. Life serves as my mirror. My ideas about myself are projected out onto others and I can learn from that if I am open and not in a state of resistence.

It’s also been illustrated to me that someone else's pain that they take out on you, in the form of anger or hostility, ultimately may have nothing to do with you. It has to do with their own past pain. This makes it much easier for me not to take things personally, or at least notice when I do. If someone seems angry at me, I know deep down that I am playing an important role in bringing something to that person's attention that they have not dealt with yet, just as they are doing for me. I am just a mirror of them and vise versa, so I try to look at it from that perspective. Regardless of whether we are acting consciously or unconsciously, we are all part of a universal process designed to bring about freedom in one another, whether we like it or not, accept it or resist it.

When someone close to me is suffering and I want to help but don’t know what to do, I can accept "not knowing" as it is. In so doing, I have had ideas come to me out of that state of accepting my own confusion. In effect, clarity can come from a state of confusion when we surrender to the fact that we don’t have a clue what to do. Meditation can also aid in finding the "right" action by becoming fully present and putting out an intention or question. It's said that we can not ask a question we don't already know the answer to, which I have found to be true. That means we just need to clear our minds so that answer can come to us.

At this stage I am constantly seeing how identification with the past creates hostility and suffering in myself and other people. When I see two people arguing or saying things designed to hurt, or complaining about something someone said to them, I see how simple it would be for them to release that feeling, simply by doing The Work (as Byron Katie refers to it) on the issues at hand, or by becoming fully present with no concept of an imagined past. It is not the other person causing the suffering we experience, it’s our own thoughts about the situation or person. I typically don’t offer this up to people because they may not want to rid themselves of those feelings for fear of losing their victim identity or having to admit they might be wrong. That’s a scary concept for the ego.

The conclusion I have come to is to accept, then act if need be. If I can’t accept something, I look within to see what is causing the resistence. It always has to do with me and not someone else. Once my present situation is accepted fully, I can then act more efficiently than when I am in resistence. Resistence just creates more resistence in the mirror of the world we are looking at, so it’s up to me (and you) to make the world a better place.

Below are some quotes from “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie I think you will enjoy.
Be well,
Trey

If [he] says something that hurts, he’s just revealed what you haven’t wanted to look at yet. The man is a Buddha.
P 133

[W]e’re babies just learning how to live out our love. We keep trying to meet love in everything and everyone, because we haven’t noticed that we already have it, that we ARE it.
P 261

What I love most about reality is that it’s always the story of a past. And what I love most about the past is that it’s over.
P 269

“It’s a tree. It’s a table. It’s a chair.” Is it true? Have you stopped to ask yourself? Have you ever become still and listened as you asked you? Who told you it was a tree? Who was the original authority? How did they know? My entire life, my entire identity, had been built on the trust and uninquiring innocence of a child.
P 300

But even the Now is a concept. Even as the thought completes itself, it’s gone, with no proof that it ever existed, other than as a concept that would lead you to believe it existed, and now that one is gone too. Reality is always the story of a past. Before you can grasp it, it’s gone. Each of us already has the peaceful mind that we seek.
P 303

We [the world around you] don’t know how to change; we don’t know how to forgive or how to be honest. We’re waiting for an example. You’re the one. You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.
P 310