SUBDURAL FLOW

Sunday Meeting

2009-11-15T08:05:00.003-05:00

Fear and guilt drove my actions in the first five years of Andrew's Addiction. I now know this is normal, and it takes an average of seven years to start understanding the family role in the addict or alcoholic's progression.

In working the 12 steps of AlAnon with a sponsor, I've been able to let go of a lot of guilt. But not all, and I never will. The guilt I keep is part of the life lessons learned. I don't want to sweep all the missteps of the past away, absolve everyone by saying "I did the best I could."

As a parent that is not real to me. What attending meetings, daily reading and meditation, and calling my sponsor do for me is put the past in perspective. I get strength and faith that I'm making better decisions today and for the future. I believe in my intuition.

AlAnon is not a program that tells me to feel good all the time.

It's a program that tells me feeling is good.

Friday

2009-11-13T07:55:00.001-05:00

If not for a mandatory staff meeting this morning, I would have the day off. What a cruel twist of fate to have a mandatory staff meeting on one's day off.

I saw one of Andrew's old girlfriends yesterday. She looked wasted. She looked like she numbs herself to oblivion.

She is stripping in a club in Detroit. She works two nights a week and makes enough to numb herself to oblivion the other five nights. She is 25, and I remember her when she was 12.

I ducked around a corner so I wouldn't have to talk to her. Why? I regret not giving her a hug.

Andrew will be sent to a state contracted half way house in the county he was sentenced in. Those are the rules. He will be assigned one of the two places the state has not closed. One is bad, the other is better. A couple years ago I would have called where he goes a 50/50 chance. Today I call it God's plan.

After the staff meeting, my errands can wait. I'm going to pray on why I treated the girl that way. I've been caught up in analyzing my own "important" life. It only takes 24 hours to become selfish and forget we are all in this together.

Intervention

2009-11-11T20:59:00.004-05:00

I'm reading a book called "Love First: A Family's Guide to Intervention" (Jeff and Debra Jay). It's written by a team of professional interventionists, so they are very keen on this method. We never used an intervention; the times we offered paid rehabs, Andrew went willingly.

I know interventions are expensive, and don't always work. An intervention may get someone into treatment, but that doesn't mean they will stay there.

The book does a credible job of explaining family dynamics. I liked an explanation called soft and hard enabling.

In the beginning, there is love plus denial which equals soft enabling. This is when we acknowledge a problem, but blame it on bad luck, low self esteem, immaturity, stress, or rebelliousness. We don't call it alcoholism or drug addiction, as that would be admitting the unacceptable. The family begins to help the alcoholic out of scrapes and messes, but still believes the problem will be outgrown/overcome.

Reality plus fear equals desperate enabling. Eventually a crisis brings us face to face with the truth; it is addiction after all. Now the family goes into overdrive to stop the inevitable consequences--financial ruin, incarceration, possible death. As addiction intensifies, we adjust and readjust our bottom line. Our personal "last straw" keeps bending, but not breaking, out of a desperate need to save the addict from himself.

The book suggests asking yourself "am I doing things today that five years ago I said I'd never do" to become aware of how you have adapted to the alcoholic's behavior.

A Veteran

2009-11-11T07:11:00.003-05:00

Remembering my father, veteran of WWII, Korea, and Vietnam, for a total of 32 years in the United States Army.

He is buried in the Houston National Cemetery, please give him a salute if you ever drive by there.

An Invention Whose Time Has Come

2009-11-10T05:15:00.002-05:00

Is there a drug addict in your home without a job raiding the refrigerator while you're at work? Perhaps feeding a motley assortment of friends??

An alcoholic who staggers in late, and eats the Cadbury creme egg you've been saving?

Or the pesky people in the house who think YOUR food is OUR food.

Here is the perfect solution!

I'm taking mine to work so my co workers can't swipe my diet Coke.

Find it here

Monday Blogger Game

2009-11-09T07:23:00.003-05:00

LL Cool Joe, the blogger with bling, gave me five words awhile back, the object being a personal interpretation of these words. If you want me to give you five words, leave a comment, but beware--it's harder than it sounds.

1. Someday. On my 44th birthday, I was told "you've lived half your life, what are going to do with the other half." I stopped talking about "someday" after that, and now put a time frame on my goals.

2. Home. We have made our house a nest, a refuge. Mostly through working hard, living frugally, and the fact that my husband can fix anything. I love my bed with the yellow, 6.9 oz Portuguese flannel sheets, and our basement media room with the big TV and Bose surround sound speakers.

3. Believe. “Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe. (Voltaire)

'Nuff said.

4. Family. I love them. They love me. We laugh, argue, lend money, stomp out of family dinners in a huff. I don't think there is a typical American family anymore.

5. Movies. One of my hobbies (how did you know, LL Joe?)! Every week end or holiday I have either an old classic or quirky independent film to watch. I watch lots of documentary's and foreign films. I don't watch mainstream Hollywood. Netflix rules!

AA, Alcohol, and Drugs

2009-11-07T20:18:00.001-05:00

Mary Christine has an excellent link to an article by Bill W. about who should seek help in AA . It's under her link "problems other than alcohol."

I found this topic confusing when I was learning about 12 step programs. Well, a lot of topics were confusing, then throw the whole "are you sick enough to be here" into the mix.

Andrew switched addictions often. He went off opiates, meth, subox, etc. for almost a year when he decided he would drink instead. He was a drunk, another real alcoholic; loud and angry. He would go looking for fights, when he didn't pass out first. More than any other substance, alcohol changes him into someone I don't know, and really don't like. During that time I realized he would not be able to "substitute." It was all poison to him.

Here is Bill W's clear, compassionate explanation:

Suppose, though, that we are approached by a drug addict who nevertheless has a genuine alcoholic history. There was a time when such a person would have been rejected. Many early A.A.'s had the almost comical notion that they were pure alcoholics--guzzlers only, no other serious problems at all. When alcoholic ex-cons and drug addicts first showed up, there was much pious indignation. "What will people think?" chanted the pure alcoholics. Happily, this foolishness has long since evaporated.

I Heart My Son In Law

2009-11-05T20:47:00.003-05:00

OK, I've been depressing myself lately. Today is good news.

This is my son in law. He graduates next month with his bachelors in nursing. We are going to Lexington, Kentucky for his graduation. He has worked full time for the last three years and gone to school. I'm so proud of him, and best of all

he's crazy about my daughter!

I've been to Lexington before, and I love it.....

The University of Kentucky campus is beautiful, and last time I actually met Col Sanders. (Just kidding, of course, the real Col. Sanders is RIP)

And I'll get to spend time with Lucy (left) and Homer (right). They are my daughter and son in law's two Boston Terriers, and I have so much fun with them.

This is Homer when they first brought him home 8 years ago. Awwww....

Have a restful week end everyone.

A Bad Moon

2009-11-03T21:00:00.002-05:00

There is sadness around the blogs. Athena's daughter most likely going to prison, and she is pregnant. Annette's family being dragged onto the front page of the paper. Pammie dealing with saying good bye to her mom. Even Syd, who usually is the voice of calm and reason, sounds wistful and pensive.

I've had a few hard days also. After telling Andrew for 18 months, he is not coming home, he has started calling repeatedly. Sometimes pleading, other times angry, wanting to come home instead of the half way house. Of course, we have let him come home every time before. This time we are trying something different- making him take responsibility for his life. The latest call he told me he cannot stay clean unless he comes home. It makes me sad for him, his desperation when he can't get what he wants.

But it doesn't make me anxious or fearful or physically sick to my stomach as it used to. I feel good about how much acceptance I have about the situation. I called my sponsor, and she told me what I already knew. I got strength hearing it from someone outside the family. Andrew's dad and I talked about it with no arguments, no blaming, no ambivalence. Andrew can't play us against each other anymore.

"If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are."
Zen proverb.

A Checklist

2009-11-01T20:25:00.005-05:00

A friend whose son is being released from prison in April called me and said "I need to start getting ready for him. What meeting do you go to?" I laughed, I think she is going to take the AlAnon crash course! But she went to the meeting with me, and I could tell she relaxed a bit. At the meeting I shared a technique that has helped me.

In the years of denial, I always had this specific picture of Andrew when he was 4 years old in my mind. He had this furry striped coat on in the picture and an expression that just epitomized his personality. Whenever I was confronted with a crisis of his own doing, my mind always reverted to the little boy in the picture. How could I let that helpless innocent get hurt?

Now I have a picture of Andrew taken 2 months ago above my computer. He is 25 years old; he is a man. When I think what course of action I should take, I put today's picture firmly in my mind. I still have to remind myself that was then and this is now, but the current picture helps me stay in the present.

I found an article that listed enabling behavior. I like the way it's spelled out.

give or lend money
provide a place to live
rescue/fix problems
supply a car or transportation
buy or provide alcohol or drugs
bail out of jail
lie to cover up problems
deny the addiction to others
defend behaviors to others
ignore or laugh at the problem
argue, plead, beg, threaten, placate, bargain
insist nothing can be done
keep secrets for the alcoholic
put yourself in jeopardy
allow drunk driving
take over responsibilities
protect from negative consequences
blame other people or circumstances
avoid social functions
provide employment
finance school related expenses
pay bills

This Is What It Is

2009-10-31T15:44:00.005-04:00

Seth Mnookin is a writer and recovering heroin addict. He writes about his junky days:

"What time is it? Heroin. What are you doing tomorrow? Heroin. Why are you going to the hospital? Heroin. What are your plans when you get out? Heroin. Written anything lately? Heroin."

And he writes about the early tenuous months of sobriety.

Recently I read an article he wrote about when his mother came to see him at yet another serial rehab.

"I was proud and excited. My track marks had healed, I had gained some weight, my hands were no longer shaking. But I did not get the reception I had been fantasizing about. My mother refused to hug me; when she first saw me, she drew an imaginary circle 5 feet around her and said that was her comfort zone. It is not OK, she said, over and over during those two days."

After some clean time, he writes:

"My mother and I are still wary of each other. She is wary of the startling tenacity with which I can embrace addiction, and I am wary of her love, which will always be there, but is not unequivocal."

The wariness has penetrated all that I believed in about being a mother. It is here to stay.

Interactive Post

2009-10-29T07:17:00.001-04:00

My home AlAnon group says the Lord's Prayer at the end of every meeting. Some people in the group disagree with this. The procedure is to have a group conscience meeting where the topic is voted on, each member having a vote. I was out of town when my group voted (you have to be present to vote), but there are a lot of old timers in this group and the Lord's Prayer was kept. Some people stay silent at the end when it is said; I'm assuming they don't feel comfortable with it.

I love this group, and saying the Lord's Prayer is very comforting for me. But I would not let that be the deciding factor in attending a meeting if I liked it otherwise. I have found that different meetings have their own "personalities." We are free to choose, and that's why it is suggested to attend many meetings till you find a fit.

I'm curious about this, so I thought I would take a poll.

Feeling Pensive

2009-10-27T20:11:00.000-04:00

A recent trip to see my mother was the first time it crossed my mind something could happen to her and I would never see her again. She will be eighty in three years. Until this visit, she has been frozen in time to me. She always looked the same, and we always bickered too much when we were together. I spent the plane ride home thinking of our complicated relationship, and being grateful we have forgiven past hurts.

Shortly after high school, I left without saying good bye because I was angry with her. Little did I know I would find out with my own son what that hurt feels like. These days I let her talk more, I agree with her more often (even when I don't).

I hurt her feelings in a phone conversation over the week end; today I called and apologized. She insisted I had done nothing wrong, telling me she was glad to hear my voice. And meaning it.

After I spoke with my mother, I called my daughter. I knew I would say something ridiculous causing her to sigh loudly, and say "Ohhhh, Mooommm" in exasperation.

She did, and I laughed and said it was wonderful to hear her voice. And I meant it.

More Conversations

2009-10-25T16:14:00.007-04:00

Andrew called trying to scam me for a cell phone when he gets out. He can really work it, and some days I sit back and listen to him in action with amusement.

Other times he really pisses me off, but that is not today's post.

Today he had me grinning. He started with the very predictable tactic of needing a cell phone to look for work. He knows looking for work (er...talking about looking for work) makes me Happy Mom. One time we even bought him a car so he could look for work (er..drive around talking about looking for work on the cell phone I was paying for).

But I've been working the program of AlAnon, and I was ready. Having been expensively burned on the last three cell phones, I explained I would not be signing my name to any contract that included his name in the foreseeable future.

There was a short silence, but he quickly recovered and changed course. Over the next five minutes, he pulled one red herring after the other out of his pocket. I countered each one with some version of "NO."

Finally a long pause, and he said "Let me make sure I understand. You're saying you want to think about it, right."

Conversations

2009-10-24T07:06:00.011-04:00

Andrew has finally made the connection between incarceration and using. It seems simple to normal people. To addicts it's the slow dawning that nothing changes if nothing changes.

He knows he is backed into a corner now. Then there are other conversations when I still hear him trying to figure out a way to use "occasionally." His mind spinning, trying come up with a plan of getting high, and not suffering the consequences.

We talk also of his fear of staying sober when no one is around. Andrew has come to the point where he knows he is possessed by the addiction. It frustrates him that he can never even have a beer.

There has got to be a way to cheat sobriety he thinks. If only, if only he can figure out the answer to the conundrum that has plagued addicts forever. How far can he push it, and not lose everything again.

I'm in the comforting envelope of my own program in AlAnon. So I listen, I encourage, I love, and I hope.

Outrageous

2009-10-21T20:38:00.007-04:00

About 2 months before release, prisoners are moved in this state. Sometimes because they have to take certain classes like anger management. Other times for no rhyme or reason, as in Andrew's case.

He was in a camp for low level drug offenders. They slept in dorm like rooms, and had freedom of movement within the camp. Two weeks ago he was awoken at midnight, given 10 minutes to pack a duffel, and moved to a higher security facility. He is in a two man locked cell; movement is closely monitored, and food more strictly rationed. It seems like a waste of money moving these guys around, but that is the discharge process.

Andrew is in a cell with a middle aged man serving a life term for murder. He has been in prison for over 25 years.

Andrew called me indignant over the situation. He was outraged that someone who was getting released would be locked up with someone doing life.

He said this was very damaging to the man's self esteem.

Yup, that's what he said.

Me, With Flaws

2009-10-19T20:56:00.002-04:00

One day, three weeks ago, I was so stressed, overwhelmed, and freaked out by the rushing pace of my life, I decided impulsively that blogging was taking too much time.

I quit blogging, and I'm here to tell you, I had no more time than before. The extra hours a day I dreamed would suddenly free up did not materialize.

HOW IN THE HELL DOES THAT WORK?? If any of you know, please tell me.

Thank you everyone who commented, emailed, posted, and even wrote me a 55! To those I hurt with my abruptness, I'm sorry. My reaction when overloaded is always to make the world go away. I've done it before, and it has cost me the trust of some.

I will not, cannot post everyday. I won't be as fresh and creative as my inner critic insists I should be. But obviously a number of people want to see how it turns out.

I think it's going to be a bumpy ride. I think those who read here are used to bumpy rides.

To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.
Emily Dickinson

Kindly Reviewed

2009-10-17T20:52:00.003-04:00

About 6 months ago, I submitted my blog to Ask and Ye Shall Recieve, a site that reviews blogs. This took guts, because the reviewers..uhhh...let's just say, they don't mince words. They give scathing (and profane) reviews to most blogs.

I finally got my review, and they liked me!

Loud Ride

2009-09-22T20:53:00.008-04:00

My husband is a science fiction weirdo. Movies, books, government conspiracies..he's all over it. I hate outer space/alien stuff, and when I am blackmailed into going to the latest Star Trek, I use the time in the theater to take a nap. This week end I reluctantly went to see District 9; I actually liked it, but the fun started after the movie.

Husband drove my car there using his key to my car. He does not carry the extra remote to my car. We keep it in the house in case I lose mine. I left my purse and car keys at home, since he was driving. No problem getting to the movie. It was raining afterward, so husband went to get the car, and I waited at theater. I hear a car alarm going off, but like most people I ignore it. When husband pulls up all frazzled, I see (and hear) it is my car making all the noise.

He tried turning the car off and on. He turned the lights, wipers, heater, air conditioner and radio off and on. He tried blaming me because I didn't bring my car keys. He opened and closed the door(s) numerous times. He moved the seat back and forth.

It wouldn't stop. We had to drive the 10 minutes home with the car alarm blasting and the lights flashing. It was interesting.

I just wonder why men think repeatedly saying f***k is going to make a car alarm stop blaring.

Too Much

2009-09-20T18:45:00.007-04:00

An AlAnon *reading says "as my denial began to lift, I was horrified at the lies I had told myself and others. But I went from one extreme to the other and became a compulsive truth teller. It became my mission to inform anyone who would listen about what was really happening."

I did this exact thing, spewing years of pent up anger on causal acquaintances.

In the beginning, I though AlAnon was about rigorous honesty about my situation, even with friends and co workers. I thought it meant no more lying about how Andrew was doing, or where he was. But not everyone needs to know, or even cares to know, these details. Choosing what I want to reveal is perfectly acceptable. Avoiding the truth with persons that make me uncomfortable is fine. Instead of saying I can't make an event because I'm visiting my son in prison, I might give an excuse if that feels right to me. AlAnon doesn't tell me how to behave, only to look searchingly at my feelings, motives, and actions. Some occasions call for sparing the rest of the world my drama.

A meeting is the place to share raw emotions, and unvarnished facts. It's a safe and confidential place to unload. It frees me to face the obligations of my life without breaking down. I walk out feeling understood, lighter. And I don't feel compelled to make my work partner understand the "truth."

* Courage to Change, pg. 254

c.1985

2009-09-19T17:27:00.005-04:00

Grandma, Daughter, and Andrew. And I didn't see it coming???

A Night of Fellowship

2009-09-12T11:28:00.010-04:00

I'm blogging from the Houston city library. Houston is hot; and friendly. I forgot how genuine the people are.

My mom does not know about AA or AlAnon, and she wasn't going to the open meeting with me. At the last minute she changed her mind, and she was really touched by the sharing she heard. She understands a little more about my life now. My mother continues to be open and that keeps her young.

When I met blogger friends Scott and Pam it was a kind of serendipity of having known them all my life. I knew they would be the honest people they represent themselves as. It was a highlight to attend a meeting with them, listen to them share about their spiritual awakening, and have a great dinner together. Everyone treated my mother with such grace and respect, I truly appreciated that.

Today is free museum admission in Houston. How lucky is that!?! Twenty some museums and the Houston zoo are free. Tonight, I'll see the bloggers again at Scott's art installation. Tomorrow my mother and I will go to mass together at the beautifully renovated Sacred Heart Cathedral in downtown Houston. We have not been to mass together in over 45 years, as she converted to Lutheran when she married my step father.

After that, we will make the short drive to Galveston and yummy seafood.

I hope all of you are enjoying the blessings of your lives. I miss my early morning coffee and blog reading. We get to be creatures of habit, and I find myself wondering about Keven, Ryan, H, DD2, Brother, and the others who are not yet sick and tired of being sick and tired. Let's all say a prayer together for them today.

I'm Outta' Here

2009-09-10T06:00:00.005-04:00

I'm off on a much anticipated vacation to have dinner with blogger friends, go to a gala art show, and spend quality time with Mom in the lovely city of Galveston, Texas.

I will not take my laptop because Mercury is retrograde, causing communication devices to get lost/stolen (I believe in that stuff). The period of September 17 through the 25 is an extremely volatile planetary time.

I will:

soak up the experience of an open AA meeting
post when I can
enjoy the fellowship of bloggers I have come to respect
watch the surf crash against the sea wall
really listen to my mother
go to Col. Bubbies (now online!)
leave my vote to keep the Lord's Prayer at the end of my AlAnon meeting with the chairperson (I will miss the group conscience meeting this Sunday).

What a blessing to have vacation time. To be able to travel. To hug my Mom (as many of you pointed out in a previous post). To see Pam's haircut at last!

Step 11

2009-09-08T19:57:00.003-04:00

Step 11-Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Reflecting on a year and a half of practicing the steps, Step 11 has made a profound change in my daily life.

Taking time, sometimes a half hour a day, sometimes five minutes a day, to reflect has helped me identify behavior patterns. I see the numerous interactions that irritated me, and more importantly, how I reacted to those irritations. I realize I spent a fair amount of my day annoyed at the (perceived) ineptitude, slowness, or ignorance of others. And I had a smug, passive way of letting people know it.

Now I know that everyone I come in contact with is struggling with their own problems. At the end of the day I can reflect on having given someone the benefit of the doubt instead of the "last word." It truly is better to happy, than right. But when I change my attitude to one of acceptance, I find that sometimes I can be happy AND right.

To describe Step 11, I will borrow from yoga mediation: this step opens the heart, thus promoting a sense of internal spaciousness.

Good Times

2009-09-06T20:14:00.016-04:00

In a few years my husband and I will make the decision to stay in this state, or re locate. This is a lifestyle decision, not one that we have to make for work. It has made me really want to explore the sights in my own back yard.

This week end we went to see a windmill farm. The day started out foggy (and around 70 degrees), which made for the above picture. The fog burned off, then it was a perfect early fall day.

The windmills were a sight to behold; there were around 50 of them. They made a pleasant low humming sound (although I later heard that some locals find it highly distracting).

Whether this is a practical source of energy depends on who you talk to. I just don't know,but is was an interesting and relaxing day trip.

Then we drove along Lake Huron, and had a picnic under God's blue sky.My husband fished for awhile, and I stomped through the woods, which is what the husband calls hiking.

We are very happy with our empty nest. We no longer base our lives on our son's problems.

After a great visit with Andrew this week end, I know that he understands this.