One day at a time

Stranger in a Foreign Land

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 23:34:00 +0000

Wow. I can’t believe so much time has flown by. It’s kinda embarrassing to think that one of my new year’s resolutions was to blog more often and with the year almost over (Can you believe the Christmas stuff they have in the shops already??!), it’s been a dismal failure.

It’s been one of those years that seem to have flown by with nothing to show for it. Last year I completed a year of marriage; I became a home-owner with a mortgage to boot and added a new member to our family (Dexter the Dog). I lost weight and I gained weight putting me back to where I started at the start of the year. I just feel like this year has plodded along with nothing extraordinary that made it stand out.

I guess the only notable thing is that work got busier and I have stepped up a lot more and my life is swept into this downward spiral of work-home-work-home.

I just don’t have the energy anymore.

I have reverted back to my lurker status – hiding in shadows, reading posts and commenting on a few. I seem to have lost the will to blog….I stare at the screen wishing I had something that I could say, and I do, but the words don’t seems to flow like they used to….

I feel like a stranger in a foreign land – nothing seems familiar anymore.

I long for the days of anonymity where I didn’t care so much when I didn’t write a post for days on end, when there wasn’t people who knew me, who I had let into my life that now expected something from me. Even if that expectation isn’t forced, it makes me feel so guilty for letting everyone down yet again.

I’ve started up a few things in the time I have been away from blogging – I have started paying more attention to getting our house the way we want it – spending time thinking about decorating it the way I have envisioned. I have started up art classes, to get me back onto my wobbly feet. I used to draw. And paint. And I miss the feeling of pencil/brush on paper/canvas.

I bought Evs an early birthday gift this year - an acoustic guitar. I love the evenings where we have spent - him on the couch strumming away, and myself at the table sketching with most likely an episode of House or our favourite albums on in the background. Conversation flows as we catch up on our respective days and dream of the future.

I think I need to take a step back from the technology riddled world we live in and get back to the basics. Get my hands dirty again.

I need time to focus on myself without sharing.

Is that selfish??

Having that ‘Me-time’ when Evs was away was probably the most cathartic experience I have had in a long time. I needed it and at this point I need to do this.

I’m sorry.

I’m not good at saying goodbyes, and funnily enough this is not how I started off this post to say. The words finally are flowing, but in the wrong direction. I don’t want to leave but it seems like I need a change. A fresh new look wasn’t enough this time to entice me to come back.

I’m looking into avenues to move to Wordpress. Perhaps get an anonymous blog. I want to be here and not lose the many, many wonderful friendships I have made through this thing called the Internet. I love writing as well and want to continue to share a part of me with you and be rewarded with a part of you in return.

So, if you can bear with me for a little while – I’ll be back.

Current music: Eskimo Joe - Foreign Land

One of my absolute favourite songs at the moment - an Australian band with this song that tugs at my heart. From their album beautifully titled 'Inshallah'.

Losing my mind

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 08:37:00 +0000

So it finally arrived.

After scouring the Internet for possible ways to get this shipped to a far flung land called Australia, I finally found a little store in the corner of eBay that had it at a decent price. Decent in the sense I knew that they were still ripping me off since the item in question was far less than the Australian dollar equivalent, but seeing how I like to see fads to the very end, I wanted a piece of this and I wanted it now.

On a rainy afternoon as I dashed to slip into the front door before my hair boofed (no luck – I looked electrocuted), the package was lying there on the front step unobtrusively. Evs brought it in with the mail and wondered out loud that if I knew someone from depths of Gurjurat.

I took the package from him, puzzled, and then recognition dawning that this indeed was the parcel I had been waiting for, proceeded to rip open the paper only stopping to smell the paper that bound it and that brought back strong memories of mere desh ki mitti. Or possibly humidity, but who’s judging?

Evs had to practically stop me from running around the house Amrish Puri style from DDLJ, calling ‘Lajjo!! Desh se chitti aayi hai!!” and I opened it :)

So the book arrived.

I’m talking about Rujuta Diwekar’s infamous book – ‘Don’t lose your mind, lose your weight’. The book that is famed to have brought Kareena Kapoor her Hollywood standard size 0 figure and that many, many people are swearing by. I’m not completely stupid – I did my research – in a way.

I read what people had to say about the book - both good and bad. I read about their results and their challenges. I honestly don’t know if it will work for me.

But to be honest, the book initially wasn’t intended for me. It was for my mother. She like all the women in her family is large, soft and cuddly with a big laugh and dimples on each side of her cheek. Line her up and her three older sisters together and they are like those Russian Babushka dolls that are tinier replicas of the one they were hiding inside.

After 3 kids and a lifetime of enough struggles to turn anyone slightly sane to eating, she is now classified as obese. And if genetics is anything to go by, then I am doomed.

But, I won’t make the same mistakes my mother made; despite how much the world tries to turn me into her.

I got this book as something that might possible appeal to her and be useful in her lifelong goal to lose weight. And if I can learn a thing or two then what’s the harm?

I haven’t actually opened it yet. I was looking at the lime-green cover a little warily, while eating half an avocado and drooling over some KFC coupons that had also arrived in the mail.

Might read it….after dinner :P

Current music: Marjaani - Billu Barber

Springing into Spring!

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 03:42:00 +0000

It’s gorgeous out right now. After a false start with much-annoying flood-inducing rain and general bad behaviour, Spring has sprung into Melbourne.

Spring = Spring Fashion Week.
Spring = Spring Racing Carnival
Spring = Summer is not far away at all!! :D

Sun dappled cherry blossoms line the streets, bees dreamily float among the rainbow of flowers and the wave of black that Melbourne is famous for is slowly replaced by dots of colour amongst the crowd.

My “Me Time” was great. I spent time with my family, catching up with Mani and staying up into the wee hours of the night watching Chandni (Yes I did watch it – made me bloody cry even after all these years) and eating hot buttered popcorn.

I went shopping by myself – just trawled the shops, lazily surveying each window and occasionally walking into a store. Was much surprised to find my taste in fashion had somehow matured as I walked past the same shops that I would have religiously bought from just last year. I did go into one store and was nearly suffocated by the multitudes of teenagers talking too loudly and trying too hard. Was I ever like that??

I’d like to think not.

I silently walked through the racks, where a gaggle of teenage girls that were almost carbon copies of each other with their variations on the same outfit giggled into their non-existent cleavage and skinny jeans.

Sigh. Yes, I’m bitter.

My ‘Me-Time’ also consisted of me finding the time to go through all our old photos and lamenting over how much skinnier I was at 18 then at 23. And wondering where the spark inside that 18-year-old girl had gone. I smiled as I looked at myself - most of my photos from those days of me looked like Jassi – thick glasses, imperfect skin and unruly hair, a misdirected attempt at fashion and a best friend who looked exactly the same.

I never looked as glamorous as the 18-year-olds of today.

But then I thought, this was the girl that Evs fell in love with – despite my less than perfect looks. That even now, when I’d sit in bed reading late into the night, wearing my glasses, he’d smile with delight as he told me I looked beautiful.

Evs’ weekend was a different story – as expected - much alcohol was consumed that he spent half the day lying on the couch with a massive hangover to get up and do it all over again in a few hours. However, he enjoyed himself and still managed to take some stunning shots of the native birds that would fly right up to the balcony of the place they were staying at.

There’s a few projects that I am slowly getting involved in – some for my own personal pleasure and satisfaction (weight loss is ridiculously come to a standstill – I ate horribly over the Winter and couldn’t find the motivation to go the gym as often as I would have liked. This changes NOW.) – and will reveal some more details once I am confident enough in my own ability to share….

But for now - the weekend has once again arrived and I am stoked with the forecast of heavenly weather ahead – first of all I am going to sleep until I cannot sleep no more and then go wherever the wind takes me.

Have a good one :D

Current music: Sophie Ellis Bexter - Heartbreak (Make me a dancer)

It's all about me this time

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 06:36:00 +0000

I am so looking forward to this weekend.

Evs and Sam, along with a few more of their mates are headed down to Wilson’s Prom for a boy’s weekend. This, by any indication of the food and amount of alcohol that they are taking with them means it’s going to be a raucous experience.

Evs is also taking Nikki along (see I’m getting used to calling the camera by a pet name. Although, I was thinking the other day that if we ever got a girl dog then Nikki would also be a great name for her as well) and I’m hoping he comes back with many a pretty picture. Not entirely confident that he will even remember to take pictures in midst of the debauchery that will be happening.

But back to the point to why I am looking forward to this weekend. Evs and I hardly see each other as it is, despite living in the same house and sleeping together (both in the literal and biblical sense). But there’s only really a maximum 4 hour gap in between getting home from work, having dinner and then heading to bed. Most of that time is spent just trying to recuperate from that day – and then we usually head off to different parts of the house to do our own thing. Add me heading to the gym and not getting home until around 9pm, that window narrows.

BUT – I still need my ‘me’ time.

And this weekend it’s going to be all about me. Tonight is going to be spent curled up on the couch, with a bottle of wine and a block of chocolate with Dex by my side while I watch my favourite Buffy DVD’s or put on ‘Chandni’ (have been meaning to watch that again for ages!).

Tomorrow I will wake up late and then see how the day takes me. Chores still need to be done, but then I might head down to the shops and do a little bit of shopping on my own. Errands need to be run, but I’m going to take my time and maybe have lunch at a café and read the weekend paper. The night is for anything, and since Sam is away as well, might get Mani and my cousin’s wife over (poor girl is still recovering) over or go over to my parent’s place or just head out for a movie.

It’s my time and I plan to use it.

As Evs headed off this morning, I was in a half-regretful, half-excited state. Hahah, as silly as it sounds – I feel like when my parent’s had gone away for a trip and I had the house to myself. Evs doesn’t give a shit to what I do anyways, but the FREEDOM of running around the house naked without anyone there is something else entirely :P

Suggestions are open for things to do in the upcoming days….

Current music: I got a feeling - Black Eyed Peas

Waiting on the world to change

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 01:07:00 +0000

You know it’s been a while when you come back and you realize that when you look at the blank page, you hesitate before typing that first word. But when you do start, the words just flow like the time that has passed was nothing, that all that has happened in between was just a distant memory.

A lot has happened in the month that I have been away from blogging. What is it that they say - you blog when the chips are down, when the urge to introspect and reflect takes hold, but when things are going good, you’re actually too busy living life than spending that time writing about it.

It’s been good news and bad, more recently with bad news but I’ll start off with the happy stuff before I start to dwell.

My sister got engaged!!! Mani and Sam are now engaged to be married :D. He proposed to her a few weeks ago at the top of Eureka Tower where she stood in disbelief and muttered half in a panic “Get up….GET UP!!” when she saw he was down on bended knee in front of a small crowd. This is fantastic news and all the previous bullshit between the two families seems to have disappeared and it’s like the awkwardness/bitterness/confusion of the last almost two years just doesn’t exist anymore. There was slight panic over the possibility of the wedding being held in January (yes like in 5 MONTHS!!) due to the fact that Sam’s relatives were thinking of coming down. And in true Indian ishtyle, everyone thought well if everyone is here, why not?? With much consultation with the family astrologer in Jaipur, (*rolls eyes* who by the way asked us to call him back at 6pm Indian time which for us is like midnight in Aus because HE was apparently off to grace some film shooting. *rolls eyes even more*) the wedding of the decade looks to be set in June 2010.

We bought a new DSLR camera – A Nikon D90 that has yet to be named something more appropriate and better-sounding than Nikki. Actually, since I made that name up right there and then (didn’t want to sound like I didn’t have a name for the newest addition to the family!), Nikki is kinda dorky but also very apt. And according to Evs, all the cool kinda new technology (read: Sexy) are almost always female. As part of our welcoming ritual, Evs has dragged me at the crack of dawn down to St.Kilda each on a SUNDAY morning in order to watch the sun rise over the ocean. Little did he know that the sun actually rose over the city – in the total OPPOSITE direction! However we did manage to get some great shots and were quite amazed at watching the city wake up. We got breakfast at a little café on Chapel St and watched the people who were just waking up or heading home and named our phototrip ‘Melbourne’s Derelique’.

The friend who I threw the baby shower for (see last post) actually had her baby!!! She had a baby boy, named Raghav and pictures of the newborn were promptly posted onto Facebook. I have yet to visit mother and son but with the daily status updates I’m feeling like I right there with her. God bless Facebook.

Work has been giving me the shits. It’s probably the primary reason why I have been away from the wonderful world of blogging for so long, because I tend to try and blog during the day in between actually working. Don’t really like to spend my time after work sitting at a laptop when that’s what I’ve been doing for most of the day when I could be spending time with Evs and other things :P But, the last few weeks have been crazy. Not just homeless-man-crazy but the shit-has-hit-the-fan-I’m-so-fucking-busy crazy. And because this is the year that I need to prove myself in order to get that elusive promotion to Senior Consultant around this time next year – if I had any balls then they would be busted off right now. My theory of organizational chaos is being highly tested and forcing me to use binders and page dividers and use my goddamn diary for once! Good times are here to stay…

And the bad news…actually make the worst news possible. Even when I think about it, I start to cry and this is so so hard for me to write. But, remember my cousin’s wife (the mother of that adorable devil child Lucky??). She was pregnant as well – due in December. I say, WAS, because on early Sunday morning she had a miscarriage. The placenta broke and the baby had no chance. She had to undergo a natural birth knowing that her baby was no more. We saw her on Sunday and she was unresponsive. Still in shock. My cousin, my big bhaiya, broke down and cried when the doctors told him. I saw her last week and she was FINE. Only last month she had found out the sex and started shopping. Another little boy. I can’t even describe in words how I felt, how she must be feeling. My heart aches for her and I feel so useless. We milled around in her hospital room until we got kicked out by the nurses, most of us talking at her not to her, unable to find the words to convey how much we were sorry.

So that’s been the last month for me. Started off well and ended…like this.

I guess then…how was everyone else??

Current music: Beyonce - Halo

Do Not Pass Go....yet.

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 07:16:00 +0000

You know you’re getting old when friends your age start having kids.

Not the moment when you discover a grey hair, pluck it out to have it replaced with a five million more (Where DO those fuckers come from?!! Arrgh!), or the moment when you realize that drinking yourself into a stupor isn’t fun anymore and you regard the 18 year old dancing on top of the tables with a mixture of pity and regret. It’s not even the moment when you don’t even blink twice when you finally admit you have an addiction…to staying in.

When these friends decide to tell you that they want to bring their little bundle of joy into the world, you react in one of two ways.

1. Scream.
2. Scream silently.

It leaves you with a strange sort of feeling inside – like there is a sense of impending doom. And there you have it. A swarm of aunties, hearing the whispers of a newlywed already passing go with gusto on the next stage of her life, descend upon you with a gleam in their eyes and a grip that sits you down until Every Single Question of theirs in answered to their satisfaction.

Any attempts to fob them off with beating-around-the-bush tactics will be met with complete denial and almost impressive persistence or a quizzical look amongst them as if to say “this girl’s a strange one”.

I’m young. If not in mind then definitely at heart. Despite what my sagging boobs, random grey hairs, sudden abhorrence of that goddamn doof-doof music says – I’m YOUNG.

And young people Don’t Have Kids.

Sigh. I’m just in denial myself.

I believe it has something to do with the fact that I am throwing a surprise baby shower for a friend and getting all wistful-like.

I want a baby. Well, no I DON’T, but yes I do.

It might be because my pseudo-baby aka. Dex ranks me somewhere in between food and his own balls before he deigns to give me any attention. Evs, naturally is at the top of the chain.

So this baby shower.

There will be cake. Or at least cupcakes. I have been informed that cupcakes are the secret to the success of a baby shower. So I will attempt to make some tonight. Packet mix of course. It’s the best I can do as I will be attempting to rejuvenate myself this cold wintery evening with work mates and happy hour. Baking while tipsy is NEVER a good idea.

If I can’t be arsed – I will make gajar ka halwa. Since I have made it before and people seemed to like it. That and attempt dhokla. You know, one sweet, one savoury.

Google informs me that it is one of the simplest Indian recipes ever, so much that on one site it was tagged under ‘Bachelor Recipes’. Hmm…
There will be games.

Silly, corny, make-you-groan kind of games. Somehow I will have to try and find a way to get a group of people that have probably never met each other before tomorrow to regress into their childhood under the guise of ‘fun’.

At least then I can really feel young again.

Current music: Lily Allen - 22

Burning down the house for a sandwich

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 06:18:00 +0000

Man set fire to house after no lunch

I don’t know what disgusts me more – the fact that he decided to try and kill his family because his wife didn’t make him lunch or that he lectured his daughter on respect just before the attack.

Or maybe that he got a proverbial 'slap on the wrist' for his domestic violence with only 2 years in jail.

I also wonder if it is a symptom of his seemingly desi heritage or is he just an asshole regardless?

Current music: Shakira and Beyonce - Beautiful Liar

Different roads, One destination

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 01:11:00 +0000

The weekend is FINALLY here!!

LOL - can't do it. It's just another day at the moment after spending the week at home that waking up at 10am, drinking coffee while reading the news blogs is...meh....normal.

Not for long - I'm back in the office from Monday hopefully germ-free and so am going to make the most of the last two days of (Ok got distracted - Dex is running around like a maniac in the yard chasing something only he can see. Silly dog.) freedom.

Just a small post in which I once again laugh heartily at the keywords people google to find my blog. Some of them, I've seen before, some I'm not quite sure WHAT they were thinking of and others...I really don't want to know.

So what gets you here??

tired of indian career minded people ego (yup - feel ya there)
jay sean biceps (hahah girl you ain't gonna find them here!)
indian aunties sweaty armpits (One of those I Don't Want To Know)
aunty in peecing/women peecing (what is this obssession with peecing??!!)
platonic relationship and marriage (Might need more information but it can happen :D)
silvara dies in price of courage (Not sure how I feel about this one)
stuffy nose accent (Dun No if Dis Is What Dey were Looking For)

The award for the most random keyword goes to:

listen and decide if the following statements are true. 1. Lin already had chinese friends in bristol

No really.

And who was the person who looked up 'fellatio vidai' and spent over an hour here??!!

Current music: Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream

Time for a change

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 09:41:00 +0000

So I decided to stick with Blogger and give the place a new splash of paint - whatcha think??

It's my favorite so far :D

When pigs fly

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 03:15:00 +0000

Meaning yes, Swine Flu has hit the household.

Evs, the poor bugger got swine flu from a guy at work and then spent the next few days delirious and throwing up. I took the advantage that work allows me to be flexible and have been working from home all the while tending to the bedridden husband.

Although, to be honest, less work and more movie watching has been happening with DVD's from Devdas to My Fair Lady and Benjamin Button.

Evs is a lot better from the first night where his temperature was through the roof and his skin buring to touch. It was probably the first time where I was really worried - for one thing I had no clue how to handle someone with a fever and prayed that my insistence that he take multiple pandadols would help bring it down not send him into an overdose. But that, and the cool towels on his head got him through the night.

Since Mani and Sam were over on the weekend for the usual pizza-and-movies night (watched 'The Grudge 3". There's a reason it went straight to DVD lol) we had to call them to make sure that they were ok. Sam was fine since he had already had it and Mani seemed to be holding up ok as well.

What was so cute was my parents. It's like they thought Evs was at his deathbed or something because all my Dad could say to me was "Don't panic ok? It'll be ok. It's not your fault (Wtf? Never thought it was but thanks Dad). Just DON'T PANIC!!" all the while I tried to stifle a laugh as Evs was as far from his deathbed as he could get. Talk about media hype.

However, I'm glad the worst of it is over and which has been the reason for my absence. That, and a constant feeling of uninspiration. Now, when I usually feel like this I change my blog template and have been thinking to do once again. But this time, the old dilemma of Blogger vs. Wordpress is rearing its head again and I'm seriously considering the move.

But until then, I'm lurking around (still need my blog fixes!) and contemplating my next move.

Current music: Alisha Dixon - The Boy Does Nothin

My current fave song right now. It's so catchy and I love singing it to Evs when he is err...doing the dishes. Or making dinner. Or cleaning. LOL

Welcome to the Real World/Take your Best Shot

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 01:47:00 +0000

It’s been a shitty week. While my line of work doesn’t usually expect long hours, I have been doing some insane time and not feeling very appreciated.

Welcome to the real world, you say.

Just feel like general crap. And it’s not helping that my lower back feels like somebody has been whacking it with a baseball bat, or that I have cramps that make double over in pain.

Work is being shitty, I don’t if it’s the cold that’s freezing my brain but I feel like I am saying “Uh…duhhh” with a stupid look on my face every time someone tries to explain something to me and REALLY struggling, more so than normal, with the accounting side of my work. I’m not an accountant and God only knows those who are how they can decipher the jumble of numbers from different reports.

On the bright side, the photographer sent us our photos from our photoshoot a couple of weeks ago. I was surprised at how quickly he got them to us, but wasn’t about to question his timing when I was eager to see whether I could have a modelling career in the works.

And well….as crap as it is at times, I think I’ll stick to my day job.

Some of the shots were great – I couldn’t believe that it was me. But I hated them at the same time. I know I was probably being too hard on myself, but I couldn’t see past my flabby arms, the hint of a double chin and my fucking ‘curvaceous’ figure. Get over it, I am told. And I try. Oh, Lord how I try. I think I am meant to live forever with the insecurity of body image.

Evs got pissed off at me and told me that if I was so bloody worried about my figure then I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. And that next time just put a bag over my head. I kinda felt stupid after that, but one thought kept niggling at me…

Really, if I was serious I’d need a bag for my whole body: P.

The whole experience was really eye-opening. I have a grudging sort of respect for models now…well…ok I always did, knowing how hard it is to be fierce all the time, but really…modelling is hard work. You have to be so aware of everything – the garment, the positioning of your every limb, the artistic creation of the photographer and of course, your face.

We had to be all pouty and snarly, ok really, just not smile to give that feeling of editorial edginess. I think I managed to pull more of a blank look in the moments that I was trying hard not to pull a muscle when trying not to laugh as Sam and Evs made funny faces. Sometimes it worked.

The photographer was slightly obsessed with the concept of a lightbox and experimenting with shades of light and dark and we spent a good hour or so shivering in the cold studio (which was realistically a dump and home to many other artistic endeavours judging by the doof-doof noises and the screech of the electrical guitar from upstairs). Finally after playing around all the different flashes and lights and set up we got to it. I was given the most awkward position and I was wishing as I held the pose that I had pumped weights the day before because I struggled. He got some nice shots though and some that I could even possibly think about getting printed.

After a while it was evident that daylight was long gone and the light inside the studio wasn’t any better, so we called it a day. Sam was annoyed because he missed out on some solo shots at the end and sulked all the way home which just caused us to tease him even more.

Ok, so here are a few of the ones that I liked despite my self-loathing. Tell me what you think – reckon I can put Tyra out of business?? :P (Ok guys, kidding. Nobody messes with the Queen of Fierce!)

Current music: Fashion - Mar java

How Silvara got her groove back

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 04:53:00 +0000

It seems like all around me there is greyness. Like the fog that blankets the city in the mornings, my mind and life seem to be engulfed in ways that I don’t seem to know how to break free from.

Life is as per normal. Work, in particular has been extra-busy that the mornings and evenings have all rolled into one stretch of darkness. Daylight seems far away and even the brief glimpses only reveal rain and wind.

It must be winter. The heaviness I feel must be due to the season.

For some reason, I’m feeling it a lot more this year. Black, always a favourite colour of mine is my staple attire. It looks like the city has the same idea and from my high rise office window, I see them bustle and scatter like ants.

I feel morose and gloomy which has not been good in the way of writing, because everything that comes to mind is depressing.

So what HAS happened since I last blogged?

My week-long experiment was interesting, albeit it coming to a very ant-climatic end.
We managed to pull it off until about…last Friday night (i.e. last Friday in June). There I went out and in way that I haven’t done since my uni days, came home thoroughly drunk. Let’s just say vomiting was involved and meant that Evs was not happy cleaning up after me. However, from what I can remember, despite my stench and incoherent rambling about having one shot too many, he lovingly carried me upstairs, ran the shower, washed my vomit-streaked hair and put me to bed. So no sex that night, or the night after. My head was still pounding.

All in all – over the week we rediscovered each other. I think, actually, I KNOW I probably overreact to the whole situation, but it was still important to me to make the point known to Evs about how I was feeling. We realised that it’s ok to want to sleep, and that cuddling is just as intimate as making love. We realised that despite life, we need to make time for each other and to really talk. I think, most importantly was that I was reassured of Evs’ love for me, his desire. And that was all I ever needed.

Relationships are hard.

And exhausting.

It’s quite amazing to think about all the relationships that we have in our life and how much work we actually need to put into them to keep them going. Whether as a sister, daughter, wife, colleague or friend – it’s bloody tiring.

It’s like trying to juggle all these balls and keep them from dropping. One or two of them may get dangerously close to dropping but then you just have to be quick enough to make sure you get there before it hits the floor.

I don’t think I’m doing a very good job at juggling. Unco at the best of times, seriously my hand-eye coordination needs some serious looking at. I haven’t spoken to my best friend since our Grampians trip in late April. Granted she has been overseas in that time and is most probably holed away studying for her upcoming (or has it happened?? Jesus, I don’t even KNOW) GMAT exam in her impulsive ambition to get into b-school, but I have no clue what has been happening in her life. I need to see her and fast.

I also don’t think I see my parents often enough. And this is truly embarrassing. They live, literally, two minutes away from me. While I see Mani and little bro at least once a week, I haven’t actually spent any substantial time at my home. And I feel so, so bad. My weekends (while I am not puking or nursing a hangover the size of Australia) have been so packed with events and socialising that I have let my family take the backburner. I need to spend some time at home and fast.

Work is another story.

More and more each day, I realise that the corporate world is a big game. And in it, it’s all about who you know and how well. While I have realised that this is a fact of working life, I have never seen it so blatantly ingrained until now.

And I need to step up.

This observation might actually require a post of its own so I think I’ll leave the rambling. But it’s got me thinking quite hard.

Part of that thinking has led me to believe that attractiveness plays a big part in this networking business. And while I believe I fall somewhere in between Megan Fox and Cave Woman (as with most of the female population), those deemed ‘better looking’ are, to my surprising non-surprise, are given more priority. Even in simple conversation.

And so, in a (misguided?) attempt to try and play the game, I am focusing a lot harder on losing weight. It’s at a standstill, and with this dreary weather, the motivation to head to the gym (due to the crazy hours I have been working) has plummeted.

But – the motivation to do well at work, even if it means having to play the game, means that a lot more rides on the dropping of the poundage. That means that the chocolate brownies need to go. Fuck.

I feel better now actually. My writing mojo has been dented as of late. Bottling up thoughts is not a good way to spend the winter. I think I’ve got my groove back.

Current music: Michael Jackson - Beat It

He moonwalked out our lives forever

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 06:14:00 +0000

Woke up this morning to Farah Fawcett's death.

Moments later - the news cut out to reports of Michael Jackson having a heart attack and then more shockingly - his death.

I was in complete denial.

Still am.

Don't care what the news says - it's unbelievable.

Sigh.

RIP MJ.

Current music: Billy Jean - Michael Jackson

Indecent proposal??

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 07:06:00 +0000

A few months ago, I was in my car listening to the morning breakfast show. I was only paying half-attention to the chatter as I tried to maneuver my way into a lane that wasn’t crawling at snail’s pace. The presenters were talking long-distance to a woman who decided, for her husband’s 40th birthday as a gift – sex – everyday for a year. Yup – you heard me. A WHOLE YEAR.

They were speaking to her to get an idea to see what possessed her to conceive (haha…errr..pun not intended??) such a thought and what his reaction was to it. And surprisingly – he refused the gift. Her reasoning had been that over the years, they had grown apart in intimacy and it was as much as a gift to herself as well as him. (Read more about her story here).

I remember listening to the interview with a sort of half-are-you-serious, half-envious kind of feeling. Envious, because at that time I believed that I had already hit the ultimate nightmare of being married. The nightmare in which things were meant to spiral downhill when kids, mortgages and jobs come along….far, far into the future. A parody of a nightmare that I was living silently after just one year of marriage.

The Sex Only Gets Worse nightmare. Also known as the I Don’t Feel Like It Tonight disease and the Why Don’t We Do THAT Anymore syndrome.

Believe me it is an issue that I have blogged about time and again, and it is the only thing in my marriage that has the power to make me feel depressed. I KNOW what the problem is – what I was finding hard to accept was the fact that we even had a problem in the first place. These things don’t happen to us. Seriously. We were probably THE horniest teenagers you could find. Public Displays of Affection?? Pfft – we broke every rule. Discreetly of course :P.

Anyways, things are a lot better but probably not at the point where I can say that it’s fantastic. And that’s the scary part isn’t it? Admitting it. Everyone thinks that everyone else is getting more than they are and not many people actually admit to HOW much. My reasoning has been for not letting it totally get to me is that I LOVE Evs, and really sex while a huge part of our relationship – ISN’T the whole thing. Because if it was then there was no way I was marrying him. I am now more content to snuggle up with him on the couch watching dvd’s than swing from the rafters. Whether that’s us getting older, our relationship maturing or just the natural course of marriage – I don’t know.

But, and this is the part that started all of this, I am a person who expresses her love through physical affection. Hugs and kisses – if I love you then I want to get under your skin. Make you feel the same intensity that I feel for you. Creepy huh?? :P

Anyways.

Back to the point.

I believe that Evs heard that same radio show that same morning. Because he put to me last night a very interesting proposal. Just before getting into some heavy swinging he said – ‘Babe – I love you.’

That set some sort of dim alarm bell off in my head but I was too distracted by the things he was doing under the covers that I could only really murmur a “Hmmm?”.

“And I was thinking…I promise that we will make love every day for a whole week”.

That sentence stopped me in my tracks and I disentangled myself to look him square in the face. The mere fact that such a statement would get me to stop was testament to how long had it been since I heard, or even thought about hearing those words. Before – it was never said. It was just…err…done. Wow, I thought, where is this coming from?

“But”, he continued. “I want you to wear something different each time”.

A few emotions flit through me when he said that. Annoyance (What? I’m not good enough for you the way I am??!!), stubbornness (I don’t care if I ever get sex again! I’m not falling for this!!) and then grudging agreement (I GUESS looking at trackies and sweatpants every day isn’t very sexy).

Now let me explain to why I agreed. Men, I have heard, are visual creatures. That’s why porn exists. Women on the other hand, need mental arousing before anything is going to happen. That’s the reason for fake orgasms.

I spent most of the time that I was feeling like this thinking that it was all Evs fault. So what if I had gained some weight and didn’t feel like making an effort – HE should always want to be up for it. I think I was too deep in my wallowing of self-pity that I didn’t realize that Evs didn’t care. I mean, he didn’t CARE about my weight gain or any of the other millions of reasons that I found to destroy my self-esteem every night. He still loved me for me. He was still attracted to me.

But what he was most attracted to was the confidence I had when I didn’t care about the way I looked. When I made love with abandon. He wanted those memories back and what I hadn’t realized was that they were my memories too.

So, starting from tonight, we will embark on our own journey. It’s not as dramatic as a whole year of sex, but what we get out of it will last much, much longer than a week.

The only problem I have left is….what the hell am I going to wear???!!!

Current music: Lady GaGa - Love Game

Who's that 'round the corner?

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 12:06:00 +0000

Sitting at home after a long, long week. Apologies for being MIA. I like to pull out my alter ego at such situations – the one who skulks in the shadows and watches the world go by in the darkness. I call her The Lurker.

Which means, the past shenanigans haven’t escaped my notice but I feel I wisely stayed out of it by accentuating my Lurker personality and surveying the battlefield from afar. I WAS thinking about updating Twitter with every comment that was posted but I got bored after the first 200 or so :P. Glad it’s over…or IS it???? Muahahahaha. Ok moving on….

I have been, in truth, super busy. Juggling two reviews at work at the same time because everyone conveniently decided to take leave. I mean, come ON. It’s WINTER. What are you going to do when it’s cold, wet and miserable??? Oh…two tickets to the Gold Coast huh? Fine, rub it in.

I find myself creeping closer and closer to Evs during the night that by morning I wake up to find myself entangled with him with limbs and blankets everywhere. I snuggle so close that I end up pushing him off his pillow and he gets pissed off from his head being so close to the edge that he snatches the pillow and whacks the offender (me) with it. I quickly go back to ‘my’ side, shocked into waking up. That’s love.

Am slightly bored now that all my fave shows have finished for the season. However am not too down because the US - So You Think You Can Dance has started for its fifth season. I HEART SYTYCD!!!

Last night’s show (for me – it’s uhh...available one day after it airs in the US. Although they have just premiered it in Aus tonight. But who can wait??!) had AMAZING performances. I was a bit apprehensive when they announced the Bollywood routine and my resignation was confirmed when the strains of ‘Jai Ho’ started. Thankfully, they played the Indian version and the dance itself wasn’t too bad.

Oh!! And yes – I almost forgot! Well it HAS been about 2 weeks now since my famed dinner party (I can’t believe you guys didn’t forget!!!) but I wanted to share what happened on That Night.

Well (deep breath).

It went….FANTASTIC!!!

I went over to my parents place a few nights before to gain the infinite wisdom of my mother. Nothing is better than your Mum’s cooking right?? That was my thinking as I grabbed a few quick recipes.

So the final menu (thank you again for all your suggestions!!):

Chicken curry
Chole
Shahi Paneer
Aloo Palak subzi
Raita
Jeera Rice
Salad
Toasted Pita Bread

And for dessert…..I made Gajjar ka Halwa!!! We also had a tiramisu cake and berry cheesecake bought as gifts and a fruit platter for those wanting something a little healthier.

I bought a food processor the week before, tired of having to slave away over chopping onions and crying from the sheer effort and I gotta say, total value for money. Used it for everything. Although the carrots kinda stained it…but meh…it’ll come out. Eventually.

Everybody loved the food, which was a huge relief for me. I ATTEMPTED to make this Veggie and Lentil squares for entrées but then realised I didn’t have a baking tray to actually MAKE them so I kinda…had…to abandon…it. With 15 minutes to go before guests arrived.

And which is the point where I TOTALLY understood my mother when she insisted we buy a house that had a formal lounge room in it (so that guests wouldn’t see the MESS in the kitchen). Too bad our ‘formal lounge’ currently has no lounge of any sort in it and houses a pool table. So the guests wandered down the hallway to the family room which adjoins the kitchen. Their eyes kinda widened at the array of pots and pans and the potatoey-lentily mess that was my abandoned entrée.

After dinner the real party started with the wine flowing all night (which had already started from the moment people walked in lol. Yup. It was THAT kind of party :P) and even a few rounds of shots done in various glasses with some Russian vodka and something that smelt suspiciously like plums.

We played poker and pool until about 2am and then with the last of the guests gone and the house in complete disarray, Evs and I went to bed.

And now it’s time for me to go to bed.

Oooh…! A documentary called ‘The perfect vagina’ is on TV. I’m watching that. Evs is visibly embarrassed heheheh.

Current music: Gossip - Heavy Cross

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 03:58:00 +0000

I saw this slogan on the t-shirt of the barista who made my coffee this morning. After having the required chuckle (don’t witty t-shirt slogans do it for you too?? My fave to date – “I’M what Willis was talking about” :P), it actually got me thinking that it was the perfect line to sum up the current media hype.

A few days ago, a congregation of Indian international students protested in front of Flinders St Station in Melbourne against the rising, possibly racially-motivated attacks on them. Just before peak hour hit, the police came by and told them to clear off. As it would be some resisted and with all protests, words were exchanged and it seems it came to fisticuffs.

Since then, effigies have been burned of our PM in India by the BJP (which in my opinion is a matter of no consequence. Effigies, it seems, are the most popular way to get attention. After losing the election I think the BJP is just acting like any opportunistic politician and trying to stay ‘relevant’.) and protests held over ‘Racist Australia’.

Forums and Facebook alike have been flooded with comments of the nature – “What Australia racist? You bloody idiot” and “Go home if you think Australia is racist” and others of the same sentiment.

A well know ~~tool~~ ~~tosser~~ acquaintance from uni (who by the way is Indian himself if that makes a difference) made a statement of FB that all Indian students who think Australia is racist should go home ‘in their rusty’ boats. And posted a link about Indian students tending to stick together in foreign countries.

Well duh.

If I was going to a country, say Africa or China where I had no idea of the culture or even the USA/UK where at least the native language is English – I know that I and most people would tend to gravitate towards people of the same culture/country until they were comfortable enough. People seek the familiar to feel safer in an unknown situation. Whether that be finding a bunch of Aussies down at the local pub or going to the local Indian restaurant to feel like getting something close enough to ‘Mum’s cooking’ – it’s human nature.

It takes more than one generation to "assimilate" with society, as with the Italians, Greeks, Vietnamese and Chinese before - the first generation coming over still thought fondly of home but their kids (us/our parents) view the country differently. It takes time.

As for the attacks.

Well – I believe the media here and in India have hyped up the situation well beyond necessary. Melbourne has a growing problem of escalating street violence. That cannot be denied. However, it happens that a lot of the attacks have happened on Indian students – mainly as a mugging gone wrong. The Indian student community, with fair reason is feeling scared and feels like the police besides telling them to “not talk in their native language too loudly, not display prominent signs of wealth like ipods and mobiles and not take the train late at night” are doing nothing.

Most of that advice is common sense– it’s debatable whether not talking in your native language would dissuade an attacker but I can see how the police may feel that foreign languages may reveal that they are not natives are thus weaker and easier to pick on and rob. But the gist of it is right – having lived in Australia all my life, I’d take that on board. Just like I’d take any precaution to increase my safety.

That so many Indian students are bashed and robbed can be largely explained by the kind of part-time jobs they tend to take, being hard workers - the late shifts in 7/11 stores, taxis and petrol stations, for instance. Imagine how safe these students are when they then go home alone late at night, often walking or taking near-deserted trains back to the tough suburbs where the cheap rents are. How safe would your own children be?

(AdelaideNow)

India is up in arms about the ‘so-called’ police brutality which to be frank, was not there – the eye-witness accounts are from union leaders from universities with a high number of these Indian students may or may not have a political agenda when talking to the media. The police allowed them to protest peacefully until around 5am when the area would be soon congested with the city peak hour traffic. Certain protestors were detained after creating a spectacle (e.g. biting the hand of a policeman) and then released without charge.

It is still unfounded whether these attacks were racially motivated. And I am not just defending my country here – I know better than most that Australia is no stranger to racism, no matter how they do protest. I’ve experienced it growing up, where kids would try and see if the ‘mud’ could come off my skin and call me ‘curry-muncher’. However, asides from the odd jackass, since childhood I haven’t. And I feel that is pretty much sums up, in my experience what Australia is like. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen to other people. It doesn’t mean that Australia is racism-free. It just means that I personally haven’t felt it.

Australia is generally no more racist than any other country. To those people who say that India is worse – perhaps so – but how is that relevant. That is your experience. It’s not a question of ‘your country is more racist than mine’. It happens. Everywhere. But in Australia where we publicly embrace multiculturalism - it's a disappointment. There are no us vs. them.

The question behind the protesting is - why are specifically Indian students being attacked? Is there a racist motive? If there is, then we should be doing something about it not telling them to go home. That's like blaming a rape victim for what she was wearing. If it’s not, then we need to all calm down and think about the real problem – street violence.

Related articles:

http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/are-we-racist-golly-gosh-goodness-gracious-me-yes/

http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,,25579745-2702,00.html

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,,25564486-1702,00.html

Forgive me; I used up all my ranting replying to his inane posts on FB.

Current music: Britney Spears - Circus

The Last Supper?

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Tue, 26 May 2009 01:21:00 +0000

Since getting married, there has been little reason for me to go into the kitchen. I have on a fair few occasions, surprising even myself when I got the urge to flex my culinary muscles and churning out a few dishes that by fluke have turned out quite well.

I have even attempted to cook for people, hosting my very first dinner party back in January and nearly having a heart attack over trying to cook for a gathering of close friends.

I did well with my menu, despite ALWAYS struggling to know what dish compliments another and finally deciding on a mish-mash of North and South Indian style food with a bit of my Mum’s cooking thrown in as well.

People liked the food, even took seconds while I smiled worriedly and prayed that I had cooked the chicken through and not burnt the daal (Yes I served daal. I read somewhere that you never serve daal at a dinner party. Screw that.)

Now, I don’t know how it snuck up on me but it has.

We finally decided to have a housewarming party. Well…poker night with the housewarming bit added on for extra effect. We have been in our house for about 6 months now and still have a half-furnished house. We haven’t noticed it so much as we have everything we need to live by, but when people do come around we notice that things like, oh, a COFFEE TABLE, is nowhere to be found. And that our fridge cannot hold much more than our weekly quota of fruits and veggies.

It’s only Evs' uni mates coming over with their respective partners. That sounds ok doesn’t it? It’ll be approximately 15 people at the most.

We decided to sorta stagger the housewarming to break it down and make life a little bit easier for us. Plus we wouldn’t have to babysit the different friend circles. Which really wasn’t too much of an issue as they all seemed to get along at our wedding. Hmmm…but that COULD have been the rosy after-effects of too much alcohol and bhangra beats bringing them together.

Note to self: Stock up on the liquor and create a new playlist.

I’m still freaking out.

Due to our rather hectic lifestyle that doesn’t see me home some nights close to 9pm and Evs coming home late other nights, slaving over the stove has taken a back seat. Plus with my new healthy eating habits that I have ~~forced~~ introduced to Evs, we eat lots of salads. And food that is easy to cook. Like salads. I make awesome salads.

I might make a chicken curry here and there, or some chickpea curry when I’m in the mood, but anything that requires thinking and tasting and waiting has been out of the picture for a while. Evs makes Lankan food in which he hasn’t quite gotten the point that I cannot handle as much chilli as him and so I eat my food with a pitcher of water near me.

So, I have less than a week to think of what to cook and actually cook for 15 people.

This is what I am planning so far:

- Chicken curry (haven’t decided what kind yet)
- Chole (I am a master at this)
- Palak Paneer (never made it before – possibly will try Mum’s recipe)
- Daal??

That’s where I am stuck.

I need at least 2-3 more dishes. I remember my mother cooking for dinner parties and having enough food to last a few great wars or famines. I don’t want to let her down. My nightmare is (besides killing everyone with my cooking) is not having enough food. It’s the Indian in me I know (I may even be forced to resort to stuffing samosas down people’s throat :P) but I really want this to go well.

PLEASE….any ideas would be great. Some good vegetarian dishes are a bit of a priority. Starters are a good idea too. Actually anything on your mind with links to simple recipes will be a godsend.

And I promise that next time anyone of you is in Melbourne, you can come to dinner.

Current music: Lady Sovereign - So Human

Working hard for the money

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Fri, 22 May 2009 04:29:00 +0000

REALLY don’t feel like working today.

Woke up this morning and the world was covered in thick, grey fog. As I stood on the train platform, I was glad that I thought of wearing my trusty black scarf and pulled my coat closer around me.

The train was packed and as I tried for the hundredth time to remove my face from a giant’s armpit (being short everyone on a packed train is a giant. You may occasionally find another person of the same stature and share eye-contact but more often than not they too are swallowed by the sea of giant smelly people), I attempted to sleep standing up. Surprisingly didn’t work.

Someone was reading a day-old MX (A free daily urban newspaper) (I don’t know whether I was more impressed they actually had room to turn the pages or that they didn’t realize they were reading day-old news) and I unashamedly read over their shoulder. The article on the front page was one that caught my interest and I strained to read as much as I could between the jungle of limbs and B.O.

The article was about women in the workplace. Specifically, how childless women are not trusted for high-paying, high-responsibility jobs. How they would be more likely to be overlooked for a promotion because, get this, they don’t have KIDS.

What a load of bollocks.

I was silently fuming when I read how women who choose not to have children for their careers will be less likely to looked at for a promotion because management feel they are ‘cold and uncaring’ and would not have the necessary skills to handle responsibility because they haven’t had the responsibility of children.

It just comes back down to how women who doesn’t have a child, or chooses not to have children are seen as incomplete. How, still, the identity of a woman is determined by her ability to produce offspring.

We’re damned if we do, and damned if we don’t.

Women WITH kids are then less likely to be looked at for a promotion because management feels they won’t be as ‘committed’ to the job because they have children. Women of child-bearing age will be subject to subtle discrimination because companies aren’t willing to invest in someone who might…oooh…I don’t know…take time off to have a baby.

It irks me to no end, why the hell aren’t men treated like this?? Why doesn’t anyone say that a man who isn’t a father isn’t fit for a promotion? Or look at a man who is a father and think he isn’t committed enough to his job.

It brings me back to an ~~argument~~ discussion I had with Yogi on the way to our trip to the Grampians. She was saying how her medical school brother was SCARED of the girls his age because they were so career-minded and always out to prove that they could make it and be better than the men.

I couldn’t quite hide my eyebrow rising up into my hairline when she said that. I don’t whether I was being defensive about it but I disagreed. Immediately thoughts of traditional mummy’s boys balking at the thought of a strong, independent woman had me thinking that these girls were better off without these men who couldn’t see how hard they were working for equality. She said that men like her brother were looking for women that ARE strong but not aggressive. That women don’t need to be fighting all the time. That the concept of feminism should evolve as times change.

And I agree only to that last point, but only to a degree. Just because a lot of women may not have faced discrimination in their careers or in their personal life doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. The article is proof of that point.

Another example, Australia, generally as a more ‘developed’ country doesn’t openly discriminate but only until 2 weeks ago did PAID parental (focusing on maternity) leave gets its due consideration in the Federal Budget. Australia has been one of only two OECD countries, along with the USA, which did not have a comprehensive statutory paid parental leave scheme. This scheme won’t even be implemented until 2011.

It makes me think so hard about the life I will have in the future. Whether or not I decide if or when to have children - I don’t want to deal with this bullshit. And to ensure that for the future, nobody will have to….I will fight for it now.

Current music: Donna Summers - She works hard for the money

All we have is time

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Mon, 11 May 2009 11:33:00 +0000

My mother and I are not the best of friends.

This is a known fact.

Every year, as Mother’s Day has come by I have been overwhelmed with a mixture of feelings. Anger. Guilt. Sadness. Not the usual emotions one would expect to feel when thinking of their mother. I mean, she is the woman who gave birth to you right??

The last time I can actually remember feeling close to my mother was when I was a child. My mother was my life. As I started asserting my own identity and opinions, as I started getting older – this changed.

We clashed. Emotionally and physically.

I still bear the scars.

I blame my mother for a lot that has gone in my life. I thought that if only she was a better mother then I wouldn’t have made the choices or done the things I had done. A lot of my rebellion against her is because I don’t want to BE her and I’m afraid that she and I are more alike than I want to admit. I thought she was weak, spineless – good for nothing more than staying at home, cooking dinner and watching her inane serials. Her obesity was proof that she had no self-control and her lack of ambition was proof of her stubbornness to change. I had no time for such a person. Let me get of this house as soon as possible.

I don’t know what has changed.

Perhaps it’s because I now have that distance between us. Maybe it’s because now I am in a position that a generation ago, she was in. It could be that now we are starting to form a common understanding.

Maybe it’s because I have shed that adolescent angst and anger that dogged me throughout my teenage years and early twenties and can see her for who she is.

When I think back….I feel shame. And disgust at my own pride and prejudice. The cocky persona that felt that I was so much better than her.

What I used to see as her failure to be something, I can see now that she has achieved so much. From being married at 18 after only a week long engagement, she was whisked away to England where my budding Professor father didn’t have the time or inclination to think too deeply about his new wife. She managed there, getting odd jobs, looking after other people’s children while my Dad focused on his career. Such was the expectations and life back then.

My parents went back to India when my mother was pregnant with me. I’ve heard the story many times now and only recently have those words meant something. When I came to Australia…with a hole in my heart, there was a less than 50% chance that I would survive. There was no chance if I had stayed in India. I heard how they slept on the benches outside as only one parent was allowed to stay with me, how they lobbied a famous cardio-surgeon who took one look at me and cancelled his appointments for that day. How I took the place of another little boy with the same sickness.

Staying in Australia, my mother worked hard to raise both my sister and I. Again she took up odd jobs once we were old enough to go to school and I remember visiting her at the local greengrocers and watching her pack bags or quietly sitting on one of the benches as she quickly attained local fame in her Indian Cooking classes.

Her weight that I was so disgusted by….I can understand it. Going through my own weight issues, I can understand how a life of frustration, feelings of inadequacy or loneliness might have caused this. I still wish she would move her butt and lose weight but I am more understanding of the reasons behind it and really, just wish I could help.

I spent Mother’s Day with her yesterday. Mani, my mother and I went shopping – just to spend some time together. I treated her to Koko Black and smiled at her childlike delight at all things chocolate. I actually enjoyed it as well – without the bitching and fighting and insults and bruises. I felt that, for the first time we were both on the same level – adult and mature.

I think now to the imminent future where I might have children. And hopefully a daughter. A beautiful little girl that would hopefully take the best from both me and Evs. I would hate for us to have the relationship that my mother and I have had. It would destroy me I think. I hope with all my heart that I can fix this.

I love her so much, despite and because of everything. It may still be a long time before all wounds are healed but I am confident that all we have is time.

Hope you all had a great Mother’s Day :)

Current music: Cyndi Lauper - Time after Time

Bring on the bling

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Fri, 08 May 2009 07:24:00 +0000

Blank pages intimidate me.

There's something about all that expansiveness that really gets my goat. I literally don't know where to start. Anyways, there is a very good reason for my absence. After coming back from my awesome road trip to the Grampians I was very very sore. For various reasons. I am not going to dwell too much on this because I want to post about my trip properly and I am actually waiting to grab the other half of the thousand photos we took from Yogi. Somehow, it seems that I managed to take mainly pics of her and she of me. So, unless you want to see just pics of the Great Australian Outback (which trust me was breathtaking!) I will hold off on that a little more.

I've just eaten my second chocolate bar for the day. Which totals to about ~500 calories between them and I'm feeling disgusting. Don't blame me - I haven't had chocolate (not counting the Jaffas that were eaten while watching 'Pretty Woman' on my trip. Junk food is not negotiable) in ages. So why stuff my face now?? Um, really....I was bored.

Friday and I was bored. Not to say I didn't have work to do, but I was not motivated enough to do it. So I thought that a little reward would be enough to get me going. Nope. So a second one was bought in the hopes that it would kickstart the feelings from the first one. Nothing. Nada.

So I have eaten probably half of my daily intake in an hour. Great. On the weight loss front, speaking of which, I am down to 56 kilos. Woohoo! That's a great effort since I have eaten atrociously over the last few weeks with the training conference away and the trip and general badness on myself. Exercise has been kind irregular and my excuse since I got back is that I am too sore to move (Patience. I WILL eventually tell you why my inner thigh muscles are killing me beyond belief). But I am good now and with the thought of the Firm mid-year ball coming up at the end of June, I hope to be at least a good 2-3 kilos lighter by then.

But, it ain't going to start tonight. Tonight....Evs is taking me out to dinner and a movie. I looked at him in total surprise when he said that he was taking me out, because you know, everyone knows that romance dies after marriage (kidding peoples lol).

He tried to make me guess and gave me the clue that it was a restaurant that didn't serve alcohol. After getting over my dismay, I thought hard and really couldn't think of any restaurant that would shy away from having a bottle or two on hand.

"Aha!!" I exclaimed. "It's the Hare Krishna restaurant!!".

The look I received back was one of total non-amusement.

It turns it that it is a Middle-Eastern restaurant. I've never eaten Middle-Eastern food - oh wait - actually, yes once. I just remember tender lamb and mild spices and darkness infused with heady incense.

We're going to see the new Star Trek movie afterwards. Now....not my choice of movie and when I heard, all my suspicions were verified! Buttering me up with the promise of tender lamb so he can watch his geeky movie!!! Heheh, well, I have heard it is pretty good and despite me not having seen a single Star Trek movie in my life and knowing vaguely of someone called 'Spock' and that they were matching colour coded skivvy tops and have pointy ears not unlike the Wiggles (the skivvies not the ears! :P) - it's going to be interesting.

Tomorrow as well, my wedding photographer has promised to make me a model. Well, not quite but Evs and I will be shooting an Indian inspired photoshoot with him tomorrow. With our best Indian clothes and free professional shots afterwards, how could I say no?? The blingier the better, he said.

So, bring on the Bling.

Current music: Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow

Fairytale endings

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 03:44:00 +0000

Having time off from work gives you time to think. Not that I have been exercising my brain cells much – my days in large have consisted me curling up in a hidden under multiple blankets or awakening from my self-induced hibernation to sleepily survey my cold, empty house and promptly snuggle on the couch with more blankets.

I hate Winter. It’s been said before and I’m saying it again. Go away.

It’s not all bad, despite the sluggishness of my movements – I caught up on all the Gossip Girl episodes and experimented wildly with the leftover vegetables in my fridge. I hosted a dinner party on the weekend (even though half my guests bought food lol – that’s the best kind of party I say :P) and made up with Evs time and time again.

Just as an aside – I’ve kind of been really gullible. Yes, I know most of what I am going to say will be like a smack to the forehead and a ‘Duh!’ to many of you, but for some reason common sense regarding this eluded me.

Relationships need work.

I gulp as I type this, because it has never been a word that has really surfaced in my mental vocab when I think of the bond I share (or perhaps now, thinking back on it, DON’T share) with many people. It’s a two-way street, it takes two to tango, a clap needs two hands to make a sound…I’ve heard it all before….it’s just never really…clicked. These clichés have been for the soap drama couples that make and break up with enough speed to make your head spin Exorcist style (complete with jet-spraying vomit). Maybe it’s just the effect of watching the PAINFUL angst and frustrating lives of Manhattan’s elite (err…Gossip Girl reference again).

Either way….it’s true. Relationships need work.

With the wisdom of those who commented on my last post – thank you. It’s nothing I haven’t heard before but, it’s like when you repeat lines in your head to memorise them – it finally got through my thick skull.

Simply - I’ve been relying too much on Evs to make me happy.

Life isn’t fairytales where we just end with ‘happily ever after’. In fact – I was always curious as a child to know what exactly DID happen after they rode off into the sunset. What was life like??

And now I’m finding out. And the biggest surprise is that really, I am responsible for my own happiness. Whether that is through spending time with the ones I love, taking space to do my own thing or making it loud and clear when I am NOT happy – it really is up to me. People might help me along the way by proving they have some sort of mind-reading skills, but on the whole – they’re not very good at it. And I don’t mind.

So, to solve my problem – I took matters into my hands. Err…literally and then figuratively which ended up being literally again….ANYWAYS – if I had to jump on Evs totally naked to get him to notice me – that’s what I did. It worked (you really CAN’T ignore your naked wife on top of you now can you?? :P). I’m working on it (there’s that word again) and I think that it’ll be ok…

As part of my not-moving-from-the-couch situation during the day – I decided to put on some movies to help me distract myself from the goosebumps I had from underneath three layers of clothing.

I watched Pan’s Labyrinth, a film that made me think long after I had finished watching it. All I knew about it that it was fantasy film and in Spanish. But what I didn’t know was the amount of emotion I would feel during the movie and after. It’s about fairytales, and when those fairytales finally react with reality…and what’s left. How childhood gets left behind in the face of the real world and what we do to survive. How dreams change along with the people that we thought we knew so well. It’s definitely not a children’s movie with a fair amount of brutality, but the poignant ending and the strains of the violin in the credits just breaks your heart. Watch it if you can.

I guess it’s all a part of growing up and while I have always thought I’m one to embrace change, I realise I have been fighting it all along. Change isn’t bad. If there is only one thing in our relationship that needs to be worked on, then I think that’s great.

So as a first step in this direction, Yogi and I are going on a Thelma & Louise style girlie road trip to the Grampians for four days from Thursday. Complete with horse-riding, canoeing, hiking and ending with a day spa massage. We’re both taking time away from our respective hubbies and taking the time to catch up properly. So, while I know Evs may miss me – I need this time to give us both some space to think and just…relax.

Current music: Taylor Swift - Love Story

My guilty listening pleasure....reminds me of the days when I believed in happy endings :)

Great expectations

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 14:50:00 +0000

I can’t sleep.

It’s almost 1am and I can’t sleep. I’m tired but for some reason sleep seems to elude me. Maybe it’s the fact that my mind cannot switch off. Or the fact that I left my pillow wet with tears yet again.

This time I walked out. Came downstairs. Sat in the dark wondering what the hell to do. And opened up a new blank page.

I wonder if he even knows. Whether he cares.

I wonder if he remembers. Because I do. And that’s what’s keeping me up at night.

Because I am swamped with the memories of how it used to be and I can’t seem to move past it. That during the day we play the part and then at night…go to bed as strangers.

Huh.

Funny how I assumed so much. That because we have been together for almost 8 years that our relationship wouldn’t need ‘work’. That whatever we have is beyond such petty things.

Why is that I am proved wrong time and time again?

Why is that I have no hesitation about making my feelings known on almost every topic under the sun cannot find the words to speak to the man I love? Why do I feel that I shouldn’t HAVE to say anything, that he should know me by now? That he could read every stifled cry, every frustrated sigh, every toss and turn and know exactly how I am feeling.

I expected so, so much more. And it hurts to be let down like this.

Why didn’t anyone tell me that love hurts?

Current music: Aitbaar - Kisi Nazar Ko Tera Intezaar

The bunny hops away

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 05:30:00 +0000

There are moments in one’s life that makes you realise that what you have isn’t so bad after all. Despite feeling ignored and acting in a way that would make a three year-old proud, it’s going home (i.e the parental home) that makes you fall into a kaleidoscope of emotions.

The good thing is that your family makes you always feel welcome and I can barge in unannounced at any time and not bat an eyelid at the hurricane of a mess that usually decorates our place. I am usually pulled off into all directions as everyone wants to show me or tell me something. Catching up with my mother and Mani is great as I find out the latest (my mother is an accomplished gossip – she extracts yet doesn’t spread. Skilled). My Dad always gives me an affectionate hug (on the times where he isn’t totally enamoured with Dex) and makes me feel, clichéd as it is, like his little girl again.

So what’s the problem?? Well, after a few moments – all this good behaviour is gone. It’s back to how it was when I was living there. Treated like a child, my decisions scoffed at and my opinions ignored. I get so frustrated about this regression that it takes all of my willpower to not walk out of there. The only thing that has been making some sort of impact is my diet/exercise regime I have been on that is making my mother’s life difficult as my Dad now tries to stop eating rotis.

Sometimes I don’t succeed. I pretty much walked out of the house and told them I was going home. This time I was grateful that I had a place to go. The house always seemed too small for me.

Now I am at home alone (Evs has gone to buy supplies for a friend coming over for dinner tonight) and my annoyance and anger manifested itself when I eyed the Cadbury Easter Egg that Evs had sweetly woken up early and bought for me yesterday morning.

Argh. I am such an emotional eater. And I feel sick now.

The Easter break has come and gone so fast that I do really not want to go back to work. This is when everyone else in the division has been encouraged to ‘take leave’ and extended their weekend to make it a decent 10-day break.

We had a family friend’s sangeet and wedding to go to as well which totally shot my eating plan to bits. I got my haircut on the morning of the wedding and the hairdresser took fucking 3 hours to do my hair!!! I wasn't even the bloody bride!!

The wedding itself was ok – I think the lack of enjoyment was mainly due to the company – not the actual event itself. I hate these types of gatherings – especially since this was the first time I was venturing out after I had gotten married. So all the aunties were there with their hawk-eye vision trying to suss out whether my marriage was in trouble or not, whether I was hiding a baby bump or if that ‘glow’ they kept going on about was due to me having an extra-marital affair from work. I was nervous seeing people after such a long time – especially in this crowd of judgemental cronies and didn’t want people to comment about my weight.

They did of course. But I waved it away saying that it was only natural and I was trying to lose it all again. Meh….I’m not letting it bother me anymore.

***** A day later (which is why this post is taking me fucking ages!!!) ****

Had an unexpected guest over for dinner last night. Basically a guy who had been Evs’ best friend since primary school and all throughout high school. Through the magic of Facebook (and I like to take the credit here because if it wasn’t for MOI, Evs would not have even HAD an account!! Now he is more obsessed with that page than me – but only because of his new ipod Touch. Jeez. Boys and their toys.), they got in contact again and arranged to come over to catch up. Over the years I had heard heaps about this friend and always wondered why Evs didn’t keep in contact with many of his high school friends. I mean, I did. But maybe girls are different. Guys don’t seem to give much of a shit and shrug it off if they lose touch.

Anyways, we spent the day cleaning (which wasn’t the most fun way to spend the last day of our long weekend but it had to be done) and I even managed to rustle up a chicken curry, matter paneer and an interesting looking salad for dinner. The guys bonded and caught up while I left them to do their thing. After 6 loooong hours (I WAS getting sleepy by the end of it all lol), he finally left and Evs had a smile on his face.

That smile was duplicated on mine when he emailed me today to tell me that his friend had thought I was a good cook :D

Please forgive me for such a boring post – really all I can really think of when I want to blog is calories, exercise routines and food. I’m getting obsessed….I have lost 1.5 kg in about a week but I'm afraid I have put most of that back on over this break... Sheesh.

PS. Finally managed to see a Hindi movie after God knows how long (I still have my list which has not yet had a much of a dent put into yet) but I saw Dhoondte Reh Jaaoge over the weekend which I thought was funny. Silly fun :)

Current music: Lehmber Hussainpuri - Sadi Galli

This is one of Ev's fave song - I have no idea how he even heard it but he loves it and was one of the first on the dance floor when it played at the wedding :D :D

It's that time again

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 02:19:00 +0000

I had all these thoughts in my head before I sat down to blog. But right now all I can do is stare outside the window, where the sky is dark and the clouds hang low over the buildings. We had a massive storm just half an hour ago – probably the last one of the hot season. Looks like another one is heading this way. It’s one of the things that I love about summer – those so-hot days where you feel like your skin is going to burn, that slowly cools as the sky goes grey. There’s an almost imperceptible shift in the air – perhaps the wind starts to blow a little stronger, perhaps the stillness and quietness of greyness seems ominous but softly, almost as if you imagined it, a raindrop lands on your head or your hand. And then suddenly - you’re caught in the downpour, running to the nearest shelter.

I love watching storms from the window. When we were kids, I used to be scared of them. As the lightning flashed, I’d hide under the covers but still manage to scare myself when I’d peek out and see the cupboards become illuminated. But now, I barely flinch as the thunder rolls.

It’s an interesting time at work at the moment. I’ve been at the Firm for about a year now and it’s come to the time for the annual performance review. Now this is my very first one and I’m nervous. Not so much about going up because at my level, it’s almost automatic to go to the next level (which isn’t too much anyways) but because I hate being the centre of attention. And for a few brief moments, all eyes will be on me frankly discussing my flaws. It’s brought me to the realisation today, after a meeting with my Staff Development Manager, that I am anxious to make a good impression. That I can’t really settle for just satisfactory or achieving. I want to go BEYOND expectations so that when people do discuss me – it’s for a good reason.

While I know that I am doing quite well – it’s not more or less than everyone else at my stage. And hearing stories about how some of the other grads are hamming it up – it’s released the competitive streak in me. I WILL be better than them. My next major promotion will be in a year’s time to Senior Consultant. Due to the state of the economy, promotions and bonuses are going to be hard to get so I want to make sure that when the time comes – there is no question of whether I get promoted or not.

I know it’s almost silly for me to worrying about these things when I am lucky to even HAVE a job. And I’m grateful. Because so much depends on my having my job that I need to do well. Not just for the financial security but because this is my CAREER. It’s up to me.

Sorry – this has almost been a sorta a pep-talk to myself to get myself re-motivated again to care just that little more about my job. :D

In other news – Day 1 & 2 of my 7-Day challenge is now up. I’m onto Day 4 at the moment and the posting of Day 3 is not far behind. I'll get there :D

And top it off – it’s the weekend!! I’m heading to Prahran Market and Chapel Street on Saturday for some good old fashioned hand-in-hand strolling with Evs and then it’s Luna Park on Sunday with the kids for a Firm Family Easter Fun Day. Hoping that the weather holds up – if not then hot popcorn (none for me goddamit!!) and DVD’s is on the cards while we watch the storms outside.

Have a good one!

Current music: Rihanna - Umbrella

7 days

silvarasparkle@gmail.com (Silvara) — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 10:34:00 +0000

Hehehe....This is going to be fun.

Current music: Craig David - 7 days