Jr Deputy Accountant

Dallas Pizza Chain Ticks Off Latin People and Conservatives With Its New Campaign

2012-05-25T05:58:00.000-04:00

Oh dear. Someone tell me, do we REALLY not have anything better to complain about these days?

Dallas-based pizza chain Pizza Patrón is planning to give away tens of thousands absolutely free large pepperoni pizzas on June 5th. The catch? To get your free pizza, you've got to order it in Spanish.

Of course, you can only imagine the outrage that this has caused, because we don't need free food in our backyard, damnit!

USA Today:

The move comes at a time immigration and immigration reform remain simmering election-year issues. One in every six people in the U.S. is Latino, says the U.S. Census Bureau. From 2000 to 2010, the U.S. Hispanic population expanded from 35.3 million to 50.5 million.

Critics of the free pizza promo are lashing out — including some in the Latino community.

"Maybe they thought it was a cute thing to do, but I think it's discrimination," says Marcela Gomez, president of Hispanic Marketing Group, a Latino marketing firm in Nashville. "As an advertising agency, I would never recommend this to my client."

One conservative group doesn't like it, either. "It seems to punish people who can't speak Spanish, and I resent that," says Peter Thomas, chairman of the Conservative Caucus, which advocates English as the nation's spoken language. "In public areas, people should be speaking English, and that includes pizza parlors."

EXCUSE ME, PETER THOMAS, but this is a free country and I will speak any motherfucking language I want, gracias!! Our founding fathers gave their all so I can worship at the Church of My Cats and speak exclusively in tongue clicks and squeals if I want, don't tell me what to do. Don't you just love how the small government folk are the first to demand the government do something about anything they don't like? Makes me ill just to be associated with them by way of voter registration sometimes.

Anyway, I really don't see the big deal. Why? Well for starters, the Spanish word for pizza is - wait for it - PIZZA. Holy shit, it's a travesty!

And really, what exactly is the chain discriminating against? People who can't be bothered to Google "one pizza please" before heading to Pizza Patrón for their free pizza? That's like saying coupons discriminate against lefties who only own right-handed scissors.

Seriously, people. There are way better things to get butthurt about. Free food is certainly not it.

TLP: "Faster, Higher, Stronger" in HD

2012-05-23T16:45:00.000-04:00

The Olympics are coming. And in case you forgot, you're supposed to buy a big-screen teevee to watch every sweaty, grunting, tear-jerking moment. I was sweating and grunting in the gym when this ad played (on a big-screen teevee) and it nearly made me cry.

Shameless, the way they use "amateur" athletes to tell you how many miles they ran, how long they spent on the practice field ... "I've spent my entire life training for this moment, so you better be watching, on a big amazing TV, so you don't miss a single glorious detail ..."

And it better be a Panasonic. Or else you're un-American.

TLP: This is Nuts

2012-05-20T14:15:00.000-04:00

Literally.

AP:

For the second time in a year, a motorist has been ticketed in South Carolina for displaying a replica of testicles on a vehicle.

A Spartanburg County sheriff's deputy stopped a truck Sunday evening after noticing the "anatomically correct" display on the rear bumper. The incident report says the driver removed the display after being stopped but he was arrested for driving without a license. He was also given a warning ticket for having an obscene display.

Last July, a Berkeley County woman was ticketed for having a similar display on the back of her truck.

The best part of this story is the guy removing the fake nuts. I'm just sorry we don't get to know if he also handed them over to Deputy Freud.

I happen to know law enforcement. In South Carolina. And from the incident reports I used to check in police stations and trials I covered when I wasn't as lazy as I am now, I know they have much better ways to spend their time. As sad as that is to say.

Besides, if you feel compelled to drive around flaunting giant comical testicles on the rear bumper of your truck — and it is always trucks, though that's another whole issue — chances are you're probably punished enough as it is.

For the Moms

2012-05-13T11:04:00.000-04:00

When I was 6, the neighborhood boys were teasing me for having new glasses. You see, I was born with a bad eye. A really bad eye. I can't do those 3D pictures you look at long enough until they turn into something else and when I use FaceTime, I can't help but look completely cross-eyed in the little window if I try to focus. It's cool, some people think glasses are hot and personally I think they make me look better, hot or not.

Anyway, it was the 80s so of course my glasses were large and ugly just like my mom's. And of course the neighborhood boys I thought were my friends launched on me almost immediately the day I came home rocking them. See I was kind of a tomboy (I know, hard to imagine) so up until that point I was pretty cool with my fake snot and run over plastic Care Bears, this was a major turn of events. Suddenly I was a dork in my too-tight iron-on t-shirt and red Richard Simmons shorts slit up the side because I had glasses on.

So one morning, I ran running upstairs crying to my mom about how these terrible boys were making fun of me. She looked me straight in the eye (the good one, at least) and said, "I have full faith in your ability to handle this."

WHAT?! You mean she wasn't going to run down there and yell at these boys' parents?! You mean I had to figure it out on my own? Little taunted 6-year-old me?

Well I wiped the tears off my face with the back of my sleeve and ran right back outside to handle the situation.

By the time my mom peered through the blinds to check on me in the yard across the street, I had one boy down on the ground and was in the process of launching the other into a bush. Fuck that. I wasn't going to spend the rest of my elementary school days being taunted by a couple of Milwaukee assholes who would end up tire rotators and drunken deadbeat dads, respectively. And you know what my mom did? Smiled. Told the story years later. Celebrated the fact that she had raised a daughter who would not stand around and be picked on by a couple of dickheads on her own block.

So. Happy Mother's Day to the moms out there for doing the right thing and saying "I have full faith in your ability to handle this." Oh what we would be without that. Good lookin' out, ladies.

TLP: When You Have a Billion Dollars, You Can Find All Kinds of Things

2012-05-11T09:00:00.000-04:00

In addition to putting the term "deep throat" into mainstream conversation, not to mention the front pages of newspapers, "All the President's Men" also gave us the awesomeness that is the word "ratfucking."

The dirty tricks of Watergate are legendary. But what's 40 years?

NYT:

The day after President Obama endorsed gay marriage, Mitt Romney found himself responding to allegations that as a teenager he harassed a prep school classmate who later came out as gay.

The account put Mr. Romney, who has struggled on the campaign trail to cast off his rivals’ image of him as privileged and insensitive, on the defensive about events nearly 50 years ago.

The episode, reported by The Washington Post, occurred at Cranbrook, a private school that Mr. Romney, the son of an automobile executive-turned-governor, attended in Michigan. Mr. Romney returned from spring break in his senior year to find that John Lauber, a quiet, offbeat type, had bleached his hair blond.

Mr. Romney, brandishing a pair of scissors, led other boys on a hunt for Mr. Lauber, teasing him and holding him down while Mr. Romney snipped off his long locks.

“As to pranks that were played back then, I don’t remember them all, but again, high school days, if I did stupid things, why, I’m afraid I’ve got to say sorry for it,” Mr. Romney, 65, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, said in a Fox News Radio interview on Thursday. He said he also had no reason to believe “the fellow was homosexual,” which was “the furthest thing from my mind back in the 1960s.”

Obviously, it's not the furthest thing from the minds of the Obama opposition research team. And we're only just getting started.

Where's Osama bin Laden's National Enquirer Cover?

2012-05-09T08:40:00.000-04:00

Well, looks like they screwed that one up, didn't they?

Pentagon officials recently disclosed to the Associated Press (AP) that they could not find any photo or video evidence to confirm that Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden was killed in the Navy Seal raid in Pakistan a year ago. AP has submitted more than 20 requests for information surrounding the raid on Bin Laden’s Abbottabad compound to the U.S. Government under the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA). In response to the request for visual evidence of Bin Laden’s death, the Pentagon stated that it could not find any pictures or video footage of the raid itself or of Bin Laden’s dead body. It also told AP it could not locate any images of Bin Laden’s body that were taken on the U.S.S. Carl Vinson, the Navy aircraft carrier that reportedly lowered him into the sea after his death.

Well that's just awesome. The story is already full of holes and, well, completely weird. You mean NO ONE got a picture of the dude with his face blown off? No one thought to grab the camera and Instagram that shit?

So... here are the possibilities:

A) The Pentagon is full of shit and holding out on us. That's lying but not stupidity.
B) The Pentagon is telling the truth and everyone royally screwed this one up.
C) The Pentagon is telling the truth because Osama bin Laden actually died years ago, therefore they wouldn't have photos or video of a raid that never happened. More and more, I believe this is the correct scenario.

It's shameful, really. Just what we don't need, Osama bin Laden sightings at the mall. Come on, people, pics or it didn't happen!

Today's Darwin News: Two Teens Hit By Car While Sunbathing ON the Road

2012-05-01T11:35:00.000-04:00

Yes, you read that headline correctly.

Two teenage girls were struck by a car while sunbathing along Donald Avenue on Saturday afternoon in Beaver County.

"I'm very upset. It's the worst thing I've ever seen," witness Nicole Beck said.

Authorities said Samantha Schermanhorn and Kaylie George, both 13, had to be flown by helicopter to a hospital after they fell asleep while tanning in the road and were hit by the vehicle.

"I jumped off the tractor, ran across the road, ran to the road," neighbor Keith Gilbert said. "I didn't get his attention in time, and he hit both girls."

Nicole and Nicholas Beck, who are Schermanhorn's cousins, said their 19-year-old brother was driving and had stopped at a stop sign before making a turn and hitting the two girls.

"They told us they fell asleep on the road, and my brother turned and hit them," Nicholas Beck said.

I'm not sure what's the stupidest part of this story, the fact that they were in the road tanning or that they were tanning at all.

While it's tragic two young girls were run over, the real tragedy is that we've reached the point in our civilized development where news like this is no longer shocking.

Looking Back on Osama bin Laden's Alleged Death One Year Later

2012-05-01T10:46:00.000-04:00

I remember it like it was yesterday. First the email alerts started coming in that Obama would be making a very important announcement at 10 pm on a Sunday which was weird in and of itself. The economy was still sputtering on and a new election year was fast approaching. What on Earth could it be?

Unfortunately, I found myself splayed out on the couch with a major back injury (I inherited a series of crappy discs from my mom's side and it just happened to go out on me that weekend, leaving me hunched over and skulking through life) the night the news came in that they killed Osama bin Laden. Navy SEALs, a Pakistani village and the most wanted man in the world. It was like a movie script. I remember calling my grandfather and asking him, "Are you watching this shit? Can you believe it?!" He couldn't. A lifelong Democrat, he's the one who taught me to be skeptical of everything. We shared a moment on my porch reflecting on the ridiculousness of the whole thing, this staged announcement and Obama marching out in front of America to announce that we finally got the bad guy. Oh, and sorry, there would be no body to gape at, no gruesome photos passed around the Internet.

Having only lived in Washington for 6 or so months at that point, I debated hopping in my car and shmobbing down to the White House to see this celebration for myself but couldn't due to my unfortunately timed back injury. So I stretched out there on my couch and watched as hundreds, possibly thousands of Washingtonians and tourists swarmed the White House, yelling "USA! USA!" on the lawn. They threw beach balls. They chanted. They climbed trees. They showed up in full body spandex American flag outfits. They draped flags around their shoulders, strangely equipped with all manner of stars and stripes decor, despite the fact that most young Americans likely own a single Old Navy 4th of July American flag t-shirt at most.

Was this some proud American moment we all shared by the light of our television sets? Or was it all one big farce?

As I watched college kids scaling the trees in front of the White House, I couldn't believe my eyes. On any other day, there's no way they'd allow this kind of celebration that close to the lawn. But no one was getting shot, no one was getting dragged away, no one was even cattle-prodded into a safer area. They were out there celebrating, chanting "USA! USA!" all the way, nary an uncomfortable Secret Service agent in sight. It was at that moment I knew this was all bullshit.

What a touching photo, right? Well right... but, uh, since when are you allowed to scale the trees out there? What if I drove out there right now and did the same, what do you think would happen to me? Don't answer that, I already know the answer and so do you.

pic credit: theqspeaks via Flickr

Or how about this? Am I really to believe these bros just so happened to have a bunch of American flags and American flag bandannas lying around the frat house that they grabbed on their way to go celebrate the death of America's number 1 enemy? I'm sorry but I don't buy it. No, fuck that, I'm not sorry and I don't buy it. There, I said it.

Even on the off chance these kids were real, how shameful it was to see my fellow Americans chanting "USA! USA!" over the death of a human being. Fine, a horrible human being by all accounts but still, where's the decency? Where's the satisfaction in knowing we won, why make it an excuse to put on a stars and stripes bandanna and party in front of the White House? We were supposed to be better than the infidels.

Why dump his body in the sea? Why not simply cremate the guy and bury him in Fort Knox with the non-existent gold? Why not at least hang onto him long enough to silence the conspiracy theorists who they had to know would be all over this suspiciously timed story?

If you believe "anonymous sources," perhaps the plan wasn't all that well thought out after all:

The reason [bin Laden was buried at sea] is bound up within Islamic practice and tradition. And that practice calls for the body of the deceased to be buried within 24 hours, according to a U.S. official, who spoke on Monday on condition of anonymity to discuss sensitive national security matters.

“We are ensuring that it is handled in accordance with Islamic practice and tradition,” confirmed the official. “This is something that we take very seriously. And so therefore, this is being handled in an appropriate manner.”

Well that's fantastic except the Muslims insist that's not cool according to their law:

Mohammed al-Qubaisi, Dubai's grand mufti, said of Bin Laden's burial: "They can say they buried him at sea, but they cannot say they did it according to Islam. Sea burials are permissible for Muslims in extraordinary circumstances. This is not one of them."

Abdul-Sattar al-Janabi, who preaches at Baghdad's Abu Hanifa mosque, said: "What was done by the Americans is forbidden by Islam and might provoke some Muslims.

My thought? The guy died a long time ago. Maybe naturally, maybe not. Maybe he never actually existed at all. There was no trial, he was guilty of the atrocities attributed to him and we were expected to celebrate that. No question. Just like when they hanged Saddam Hussein. It was just the right thing to do and if you ask why, you must be a bad American.

Never forget, America, never forget. You are well within your God-given right to question everything if you doubt the official story. Your skepticism might just save you.

TLP: And Now, Juvenile Media Bias

2012-04-25T01:30:00.000-04:00

Poor Bill Boner. Not only is he named Bill Boner, but now the Tennessee county official faces allegations of sexual harassment. Couldn't have been bribery.

Predictably, the case has brought out the 12-year-old in the local media.

Romenesko:

When a county property assessor named Bill Boner was accused of sexual harassment, Murfreesboro Post managing editor Michelle Willard knew her staff had to “get all of the cheesy headlines out of their system” before getting serious about the story.

She had them distribute their best, unprintable headlines, including:

BONER SAYS WOMEN FAKING IT
FEMALE WORKERS SAY BONER INTIMIDATED THEM
BONER TAKING IT HARD

“We had a lot of fun with it in the last week,” says Willard.

But staff writer Marie Kemph — the reporter on the Boner beat, if you will — says she’s working hard to play it straight.

And because I also can be a 12-year-old, I'll just say, that's what she said.

India Announces Successful Missile Launch Against China

2012-04-19T08:30:00.001-04:00

In WTF news, India is thrilled to say they could totally bomb the shit out of China if they wanted to. You can't make this up. Personally, I preferred the AP headline on Twitter:

BREAKING NEWS: Indian government says test launch of missile able to reach major Chinese cities was a success
— AP Breaking (@AP_Breaking) April 19, 2012

Or there's this:

Defence analyst Rahul Bedi says a successful test flight of the Agni-V missile, which is capable of delivering a single 1.5-ton warhead deep inside nuclear rival China's territory, would strengthen India's nuclear deterrence once it comes into service by 2014-15.

More via BBC.

YAY WORLD WAR III! Grab your guns and your jerky, folks, this one should be good.

Here's an appropriate musical accompaniment.

So you came like a missile,
Leaving me the whole world in exile,
Think you're giving but you're taking my life away

The Creepiest Pro-Shopping Ad Yet

2012-04-19T04:00:00.000-04:00

WHAT?

How irresponsible to show all those rabbits bouncing around. Fix those animals, JC Penney, WTF!

TLP: Timing is Everything

2012-04-18T16:00:00.002-04:00

Political curiosity Ted Nugent has a date with the Secret Service on Thursday to discuss his prediction that he will be dead or in jail a year from now if President Obama is re-elected.

I happen to know law enforcement from my days checking police logs and covering trials. And the most interesting question I have about all this is whether the agents assigned to interview Nugent will a) try to be hard-asses to make up for the bad press about the Cartagena hookers, or b) try to be bad-asses because they're fans.

Either way, Nugent-endorsed candidate Mitt Romney will probably end up preferring to talk about his dog.

Michigan Lotto Winner Who Kept Her Food Stamps Finally Prosecuted For Welfare Fraud

2012-04-18T07:55:00.000-04:00

Picture it... you're a 24-year-old unemployed good-for-nothing who hits it big on a lotto show and takes home a good $500,000 after taxes. You've been getting $200 a month in food stamps and figure, hey, why report the lotto winnings? The state hasn't cut off the card so it must be alright, right?

“I thought that they would cut me off, but since they didn’t, I thought maybe it was okay because I’m not working," Amanda Clayton told WDIV when she was busted on a hidden camera investigation using her food stamp card to load up on Mountain Dew and snacks. She was serious when she said that, defending her pain by explaining how her $1 million ended up being really more like half that.

"I feel that it's OK because I mean, I have no income and I have bills to pay," she said. "I have two houses."

Note: one of those houses was paid in cash.

"I mean, it's hard," she said, "I'm struggling."

RIGHT.

Here's the video:

Well justice has finally caught up to the struggling lottery winner (oh the humanity), who was arraigned Tuesday on two felony counts of welfare fraud. The state alleges Clayton illegally collected about $5,475 in food and medical assistance from August 2011 through March 2012.

Unfortunately, there's no happy ending to this case. They can fine the shit out of her, drain her winnings and leave her knocking on the state's door for help again OR they can imprison her for 4 years and have the people of the state of Michigan pay to keep her housed, fed and clothed.

I believe that's what you call a lose-lose.

Sheila Bair Makes a Really Awkward Joke About Hyperinflation

2012-04-16T06:41:00.001-04:00

In a WaPo op-ed:

Are you concerned about growing income inequality in America? Are you resentful of all that wealth concentrated in the 1 percent? I’ve got the perfect solution, a modest proposal that involves just a small adjustment in the Federal Reserve’s easy monetary policy. Best of all, it will mean that none of us have to work for a living anymore.

For several years now, the Fed has been making money available to the financial sector at near-zero interest rates. Big banks and hedge funds, among others, have taken this cheap money and invested it in securities with high yields. This type of profit-making, called the “carry trade,” has been enormously profitable for them.

So why not let everyone participate?

Under my plan, each American household could borrow $10 million from the Fed at zero interest. The more conservative among us can take that money and buy 10-year Treasury bonds. At the current 2 percent annual interest rate, we can pocket a nice $200,000 a year to live on. The more adventuresome can buy 10-year Greek debt at 21 percent, for an annual income of $2.1 million. Or if Greece is a little too risky for you, go with Portugal, at about 12 percent, or $1.2 million dollars a year. (No sense in getting greedy.)

Think of what we can do with all that money. We can pay off our underwater mortgages and replenish our retirement accounts without spending one day schlepping into the office. With a few quick keystrokes, we’ll be golden for the next 10 years.

We can each be INDEBTED to the Fed and use the debts to buy Treasury bonds (this is, indirectly, what we do on a daily basis anyway since it takes debt to the Fed and its member banks to meet our demand for money). Did you read that?! She actually said that.

Granted, this might be her attempt at humor but it's not a very good joke at all. It's fucking serious and she of all people should know that.

AWKWARD.

Fifth Third Banksters Show Their Humanity And Save Boots The Cat

2012-04-05T22:56:00.000-04:00

Bankers can get mad at the cats in the above picture.

The cat in the story below is unrelated to these cats.

This is extra sad for me to read considering I inherited a then 13-year-old, cranky Tortie cat when my mother died. I've known that cat since I was a bratty high schooler way back when she was a kitten clawing the crap out of my ankles. She's 15 now and spends most of her time sleeping and complaining, seems like a decent life to me. She mourned my mom so I can only imagine the woman in this story wanted to save any of her future cats the stress of losing their owner. Or was completely out of her mind.

Bank goes to court to save cat from being euthanized:

For months, Boots, an 11-year-old cat from a suburb of Chicago, had been on "kitty death row." Her owner died last December, and a 20-year-old will stipulated any cats the woman owned at the time of her death be euthanized. But trust officers at Fifth Third Bank in charge of, um, executing the will, couldn't bring themselves to carry out the request. So they went to court. The bank asked a judge to set aside the provision, arguing that killing Boots "would violate public policy to euthanize a healthy housecat where an appropriate shelter has been identified." The judge agreed, and the bank was able to place her at a no-kill shelter.

Yay for these trust officers for doing the right thing.

One commenter on the original MSN post goes so far as to say the bank and court suck for violating this woman's last will and testament:

This court basically ruled that your *last will and testament* means nothing.

Yes, this crazy person who wanted to die with their cat should have been given some counsel from their legal representative about the direction of having the cat killed upon their own death. Suprise......a lawyer didn't do the right thing.

Where does this bank stop in their execution of the next will to pass through their office? If this bank is to be the executor of my will.....I would be a bit worried now.

WTF, you can't put "kill living things" in your will and expect those wishes to be honored. I can't write "oh and End the Fed" in my will and that's it, the world owes me that final batshit crazy request. It's not some postmortem wish list you write to the universe, it's your last binding contract with humanity. Killing a perfectly fine, loyal cat is not OK.

As a cat owner, I can totally understand what this lady was thinking, it's still not alright.

Crazy cat ladies everywhere approve.

Congress Debates Imprisoning Taxpayers Who Owe the IRS Within Our Borders

2012-04-05T20:37:00.000-04:00

Fucking lawmakers, always trying to sneak in legislation in other legislation:

Senate Bill 1813 was introduced back in November by Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Los Angeles) to “reauthorize Federal-aid highway and highway safety construction programs, and for other purposes” .

After clearing the Senate on a 74 – 22 vote on March 14, SB 1813 is now headed for a vote in the House of Representatives, where it’s expected to encounter stiffer opposition among the GOP majority.

In addition to authorizing appropriations for federal transportation and infrastructure programs, the “Moving Ahead for Progress in the 21st Century Act” or “MAP-21″ includes a provision that would allow for the “revocation or denial” of a passport for anyone with “certain unpaid taxes” or “tax delinquencies”.

Section 40304 of the legislation states that any individual who owes more than $50,000 to the Internal Revenue Service may be subject to “action with respect to denial, revocation, or limitation of a passport”.

"Moving Ahead for Progress" huh? Perhaps someone should have named that "New and Not Improved Credit Agreements With the Chinese That Need to Be Paid."

Here's the thing... the IRS can already do this if you owe a ton of money (let them define "a ton" for you, it's obviously relative) and the GAO recommended this a year ago in their Potential for Using Passport Issuance to Increase Collection of Unpaid Taxes report. The State Department issues passports, obviously, and can deny you one if you owe excessive child support or have outstanding warrants but as is, the IRS can only intervene through federal criminal tax fraud proceedings.

Are you with me now? No? OK then... ask yourself why the IRS can fine you if you provide incorrect information on a passport application.

NOW are you with me?

It's OK if you're not... you'll figure it out when they start enforcing our borders again. Except this time, it won't be to keep immigrants OUT.

The Nanny State Goes After College Entrance Exams

2012-03-28T04:00:00.001-04:00

I showed up hungover to one of my college entrance exams and did amazing - and yes, it was really me - and look where it got me. No one carded me when I took the exam 90 miles from where I went to high school, using the exam as an excuse to go on a half-week long excursion away from home.

I digress.

WaPo:

Students taking college entrance exams this fall will have to submit photo IDs with their applications — a key security upgrade after a widespread cheating scandal at a number of high schools on Long Island, a prosecutor and testing officials announced Tuesday.

The security change is one of a number of initiatives after the arrest of 20 current or former high school students accused in the cheating scheme. Nassau County District Attorney Kathleen Rice said some of the students were paid as much as $3,500 to stand in for other students taking the SAT, a key barometer for many colleges determining admissions.

Well wait. For them to take such drastic measures, this must be a really pervasive threat to the security of the SAT, right?

Rice said 50 students were likely involved in the scheme, but she had evidence to arrest only 20. The cases against the 20 students are pending.

Remember, the government's job isn't taking care of its people, it is preserving the Government's own interests. Data collection on its own citizens is a great way to look busy.

TLP: It's Time to Say Goodbye to Your Mailman, Just In Case

2012-03-28T00:00:00.000-04:00

I have to admit, I'm not happy with the mailmen these days. And it's not even like one of them shit on my lawn. More like difficulty with the completion of their appointed rounds.

So, I'm not feeling too bad about this report from CNNMoney:

Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe said Tuesday that incentives will be offered to woo some of the 150,000 eligible employees to retire.

"We're going to offer incentives as we move from six to five day delivery," Donahoe told a House hearing on Tuesday. "It's critical to move the head count down."

Mass retirement is key to U.S. Postal Service plans to stem its financial bleeding. As the service moves forward on plans to close 223 postal plants, which could mean the loss of 35,000 jobs, it hopes to ease the pain with retirement packages to those who qualify.

More than one out of every four career employees is now able to retire, Donahoe said, and another 100,000 reach retirement eligibility in the next five years.

Of course, this being the Postal Service, money seems to be no object. CNN says there's been no announcement of what the retirement packages will cost. Guess it'll just add to the $5.1 billion loss from last year, or maybe come out of the $12.1 billion loan the mailmen took out from the Treasury.

Sympathy's gonna be tough to get.

TLP: At Least It's Not a Sweater Vest

2012-03-26T01:00:00.001-04:00

What would a political campaign be without swag? It's so basic that even cats — notoriously lazy, God love 'em — know that much.

HuffPost:

Hank, the 9-year-old former street cat vying for a Virginia seat in the U.S. Senate, is selling bipartisan campaign T-shirts.

Two new designs came out over the weekend. Ever the independent, one is modeled on the famous JFK "Leadership For The 60's" poster; the other, based on Dwight D. Eisenhower's wildly successful "I Like Ike" slogan, reads "I LIKE HANK."

You may recall that we covered Hank's candidacy here last month, along with commentary from JDA about the political prospects of her own cats. Turns out that Hank has issues.

Reproductive rights are a key issue among the human candidates competing in the Virginia Senate race. Likewise among cat candidates. Hank's campaign is focusing on pet population control, as well as job creation and an effort to stop the University of Virginia from using cats in its pediatrics residency program.

The cat vows not to accept outside contributions to his Senate efforts. All T-shirt profits go to a spay and neuter program run by Animal Allies, the Virginia-based animal rescue group that, according to the campaign website, saved Hank and his family from death row almost a decade ago.

Let's just hope Hank's rough-and-tumble past doesn't include any feline felonies. Only Virginia's popular Class 6 kind that make everyone purr.

Oh God, The Fed Is Never Going to Pull Out

2012-03-20T08:04:00.000-04:00

When is it going to get better? When will they ever be able to remove the monetary crutch? You and I both know they can't, and I'm fairly sure that brilliant little bastard Fisher knows it too, he's just too smart to say it out loud.

Reuters:

"We have filled the tanks, there is plenty of liquidity. We need no more," Dallas Fed President Richard Fisher, an outspoken policy hawk, said at a business event in London.

"The question is finding the right time to effect an exit strategy. We're not there yet. This is a matter of judgment and feel, and a more robust economic situation".

Funny, I thought the economy was cured in March of 2009, isn't that the line we're going with? So what's with the delay? Pull out already!

Sadly, I don't think Fisher's colleagues agree with him on the concept of too much monetary support for an allegedly healed but still weak economy.

New York Fed President William Dudley, a close ally of Chairman Ben Bernanke, painted a mixed picture of the economy, tempering recent signs the recovery is gaining speed with warnings that it could just as easily stall out.

"Nothing has been decided," he said of QE3, in which the Fed would make large-scale asset purchases in an attempt to lower rates and give the economy another controversial shot of adrenaline.

"It all depends on how the economy evolves," Dudley added. "It's about costs and benefits, and if we get to a point where we think the benefits of another program of QE outweigh the costs, then we'll certainly do so."

WHAT THE FUCK is so difficult about this math? More QE = bad idea. Pulling out = good idea. I'm sorry that pulling out will mean total collapse for a system hooked on free Fed funny money but them's the breaks, kid.

TLP: Tom Ridge Gives Threat Level Assessment For Rick Santorum

2012-03-14T16:30:00.000-04:00

Not that his support has meant a lot so far, but this is worth noting.

CNN:

Former Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge, who previously supported Jon Huntsman, endorsed Mitt Romney for the Republican presidential nomination on Wednesday.

"I've met accomplished and strong leaders in my life," Ridge said in a statement released by Romney's campaign. "Mitt Romney is one of them."

Prior to serving in the George W. Bush administration as the first to head the Homeland Security Department, Ridge held two terms as Pennsylvania governor and six terms as a congressman for the state.

Ridge made his endorsement in advance of the next big primary date for Republicans, April 24, when Pennsylvania's 72 delegates will be among the 231 up for grabs. The announcement comes as Rick Santorum leads the GOP field in state polls.

You know Ridge wasn't wild about Romney from the start, having initially backed Huntsman. And since Ridge served in Congress from Pennsylvania with Santorum, and then also knew him when he was governor and Santorum was in the Senate, you'd have to think Ridge would agree with former Senator Bob Kerrey's appraisal: "Santorum, that's Latin for asshole."

LOL Mayor Gray!

2012-03-13T04:00:00.001-04:00

pic credit: uberculture via Flickr

See, this is why I love living here. Guys like our esteemed mayor can say things like this with a straight face:

“If you are a criminal and committing thefts or robberies, or if you profit from crime, in the District of Columbia, we will we find you, arrest you and bring you to justice,” said Mayor Gray. “The District of Columbia is a place of law and order, and neither Chief Lanier nor I will tolerate any crime on our streets. Every single D.C. resident has the right to walk our neighborhoods in safety and confidence.”

OOOOH I bet the snack truck that trolls my neighborhood handing out cocaine and dimebags is going to cease IMMEDIATELY after a threat like that!

GAO Finds Half of TARP Banks Paid Back Government Money With Government Money

2012-03-12T04:00:00.001-04:00

Surprise surprise [PDF]:

As of January 31, 2012, 341 institutions had exited CPP, almost half by repaying CPP with funds from other federal programs.

Read more at Fox Business but really that's all you need to read.

Those Crazy Canadians Launch The Federal Reserve: The Restaurant

2012-03-09T21:33:00.000-05:00

pic from the Cleveland Fed, not this restaurant

h/t my fellow Pollock Krupo, who happens to be one of my favorite Canadians (not that I keep favorites or anything).

Apparently, a Toronto brunch spot has launched bearing the name of a certain central bank to the south many of us are familiar with:

After a quiet opening last week, The Federal Reserve experienced a whirlwind first weekend, with Dundas West’s fevered brunch crowd gamely filling up the space (with NoNo’s and This End Up soon to open on the same strip, Dundas’s rate of restaurant openings is nearing Roncesvalles-like heights). Running the ship is a band of friends—Zach Slootsky, Duncan MacNeill, Joe Zabukovec and Adam Janes—all of whom are balancing their time at the Federal with other jobs both in and out of the restaurant industry (MacNeill’s currently at Woodlot and Slootsky, a sometime photographer, is at Swan).

Brunch? Shit, that beats getting financially assraped by central bankers any day!

The best part, as always, is the comments. Like this gem:

Is it a scam like the actual Federal Reserve?

There's really nothing more to be said here. Not until I start making mimosas and bacon, at least.

Is this at all related to the Federal Reserve brunch spot in Rhode Island?

The Pentagon Gets Caught Cheating On Its Exams

2012-03-07T08:44:00.000-05:00

You know, maybe they could have solved this by slapping wings on a bunch of Boston Dynamics' Cheetahs and called it a day.

Wired reports:

It seemed like a promising step for America’s next stealth fighter: The F-35 Joint Strike Fighter passed a key Pentagon test of its combat capability. But it turns out that the family of jets cleared the mid-February exam only because its proctor agreed to inflate its grade. In essence, the military helped the F-35 cheat on its midterms.

The collusion between the Pentagon testing body, known as the Joint Requirements Oversight Council (JROC), and the F-35 program — first reported by Inside Defense — confirmed that the U.S.’ most expensive warplane met previously established performance criteria. Specifically, the review was meant to show that the jet can fly as far and take off as quickly as combat commanders say they need it to.

But the review council, which includes the vice chiefs of the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine Corps, eased the standard flying profile of the Air Force’s F-35A model — thereby giving it a range boost of 30 miles. And it tacked an additional 50 feet onto the required takeoff distance for the Marines’ F-35B version, which Defense Secretary Leon Panetta just took off budgetary probation.

The full cost to buy and fly the entire fleet of F-35s over 50 years would run the Pentagon $1 trillion if you factor in normal inflation (that doesn't even touch the actual inflation we're looking at over the next 50 years) - the most expensive defense program EVER.