Cookies for Breakfast

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 16:41:00 +0000

Dear Photograph,
My parents divorced when I was 9 years old. I have no memory of them ever being happy together.

Chris Peters
----------

Dear Chris,
They were. At some point, they were.

Love,
Photograph

Shutterbugs love Shutterfly!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Sun, 21 Nov 2010 04:49:00 +0000

It's that time of year again. Yes, we need to trim the tree, but more importantly, everyone wants the perfect photo Christmas card. The one that family and friends will "ooh" and "aah" over. The one that they'll keep displayed all year long. So many choices go into the creation of this annual event. Which photographer to use? Indoor or outdoor location? What should everyone wear? Which pose looks best?

Even as a semi-professional photographer, I worried over these same decisions. After all your careful preparation, you finally get an incredible portrait, but if you choose the wrong printing company, the finished product can be very disappointing.

And that decision is one I can definitely help you with. I've used many different websites over the years, but now I can honestly say that my loyalty lies with one in particular.

When the new baby came, I started a free Shutterfly website and haven't turned back. I used them for his birth announcements and loved how they turned out. I made a Shutterfly photo book of his first two months and my daughter loves flipping through it regularly. For his first Halloween, I tried Shutterfly's 5x7 folded card and they looked stunning!

So, I have the pictures taken and I'm getting ready to choose one of the new Christmas designs. I can't wait to see the finished product! Shutterfly is also helping me take care of my Christmas list. My grandparents recently sold their farm, so I have a lot of photos that I'm going to use to put together a calendar to give as gifts to my family as a keepsake. I also plan to use Shutterfly to make invitations for my daughter's upcoming birthday.

Whew! Enough chit chat. I need to get on Shutterfly.com and get busy!

**Bloggers get 50 free holiday cards from Shutterfly, follow the arrow at http://bit.ly/sfly2010

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 04:40:00 +0000

Since I change my blogs about as often as I change purses.....

new one here.

Eclipse Trailer

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 12:29:00 +0000

2-15-03

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 04:04:00 +0000

Last Trimester

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 09:56:00 +0000

I had my six month appointment a couple weeks ago, when I was 25 weeks. Check out his leg...

The sonographer estimated that the little guy was 1 lb. 10 oz, which means he gained 8 oz in two weeks. The doctor said that I had only gained a pound since my last visit and she would normally be concerned about that, but she checked baby and he was measuring at 26-27 weeks. She said, "You are eating aren't you?" I answered affirmatively and she said, "Well, you must be eating healthy." I just laughed since I've been on the Girl Scout cookies and pizza diet.

He's been kicking me a lot, which A enjoys feeling. She loves to put her hands on my stomach and talk to "her baby" and give him kisses everyday. She tells him goodnight and came up with a great name for him (which I will be keeping a surprise). We wrote a countdown on her calendar so that she knows how many days are left before he comes home. She is pretty impatient, but I love that she is so excited and so involved. I would have thought that she would have forgotten about him or become disinterested by now, but she literally talks about him all the time. She includes him in conversations and asks me what he thinks and plans what she's going to help with and what she's going to teach him.

She has become quite the little artist. I remember not that long ago, wondering when I would be able to tell what her scribbles meant. I definitely can now. She LOVES to draw. On anything. Anywhere. Anytime. Her teacher told me that she is very impressed with her work and loves seeing what she comes up with. She said most of the kids in the class don't really have a purpose to their drawings yet, but A knows what she is drawing and has a story to go along with it. Her daily journal is full of adorable pictures. They get a subject everyday and are asked to draw about it. Hers actually match and are easily recognizable. Everyday I pick her up and she races to her cubby to show me today's drawings. One day, it was "a dinosaur bone sticking out of the ground". So cute. This one is from last night.

While I'm pleased that she has that outlet (and very relieved that she isn't drawing sad faces and people crying), I'm pretty concerned about the way she interacts with kids now. She used to be pretty assertive and confident. Now, she seems to be letting kids push her around and desperately seeking their approval. There is one girl in her class, "Ramona", that adores her, but A seems to ignore her and instead tries so hard to impress this other girl, "Amy", that couldn't seem to care less. A talks about her all the time and wonders if she will be at school today. She follows that up with the hope that "Susan" won't be there because she is friends with Amy, but doesn't like A. I didn't realize I would have to deal with these classroom politics so soon. It feels like she is suddenly very insecure, which is understandable, but so very sad.

She still talks about her Daddy all the time. We seem to have made some progress in the fact that she no longer seems to blame herself, but seems to understand that problem was between the two adults. At first, she kept asking why Daddy didn't want to live with her anymore and I kept correcting her that he didn't want to live with me, but he would love to live with her. This past weekend, she did a little role playing with the prince and princess that dance together in her jewelry box. We were sitting there watching them spin and she said, "That's you and Daddy." A few minutes later, she pretends to be him and says, "I don't love you anymore! and I don't love you anymore!" and pretended to rip them apart. I really didn't know what to say to that one, so I just scowled.

Later, she wanted me to pretend to be Santa and was feeding me lines about my part. She said, "Santa, my Daddy doesn't live with me anymore. Will you be my Daddy?" As always, I told her that he was still her Daddy. She said, "I know. We're just pretending."

The next day, she asked (out of the blue), "You and Daddy are mad at each other?" The whole "Sometimes grown-ups just don't get along" seems like a cop out and I feel like I owe her an explanation. He certainly isn't expounding on the subject when she brings it up--his answer is always "It's complicated." And yet, I keep telling her that if she has questions or wants to talk about it, to let me know. So, I told her that, yes, I was mad at Daddy for awhile because he wasn't spending much time with us (which is a huge oversimplification). And I told her that I honestly didn't know why he was mad at me, but that I wished he would come back home*. And she seemed to accept that answer for the moment. While I don't want to be crying in front of her daily, I think is important for her to understand that she and I are both upset about the situation.

*UGH---Nevermind. A friend just felt the need to let me know about what I miss on you-know-who's Facebook page. It is clear where his priorities lie and they certainly aren't family-oriented. Sounds like his family (and a lot of new friends) sure stand by him, though. Wow. Just...wow.

Anyway....I've had a cold for the past two weeks that I can't get over and am completely miserable. Which is why I'm up at 4 am...again...because I can't breathe and can only sleep for an hour at a time before I have to get up to hack up pieces of my lung. I remember having a cold for the entire last trimester with A. That better not be a pattern.

The issue of whether or not we can keep the house is still being debated, but I'm getting down to the wire so I need to start working on the nursery while I still have energy. We'll see how that goes.

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 02:02:00 +0000

This is part of the development sheet from the Munchkin's 4 year check up. Some of her answers to the questions cracked me up. What is a ceiling? "It is up there with the lights." She was supposed to draw a person and she did, complete with a baby in its tummy. She had her Tinkerbell party and it was lots of fun.

So, I started a job at the beginning of the month. The people I work with are super nice.

I'm 24 weeks now. I had my 5 month appt in December and there wasn't much to report. I'll start having monthly sonograms now and then at 32 weeks, I'll start the non-stress tests, whatever those are. I've only gained a pound in 2 months, so I guess that shows that stress is good for weight management. I'd probably gained 20 pounds by this point with the Munchkin. I can't actually take the medicine that they prescribed to stop my contractions because it put me right to sleep and left me completely groggy the entire next day. I tried to explain to my doctor that since I have a 4 year old to take care of by myself, that just isn't an option. So, I've just been dealing with the contractions and they haven't been too bad.

...until Wednesday night. I had a 2D ultrasound at the perinatologist that day. The little guy weighs 1 lb, 2 oz and I got to see him yawn.

I felt kind of strange that afternoon, but I wasn't really sure what was wrong. I ate a little dinner, but I was having contractions and just didn't feel right. Around 7 pm, I started having painful ones. I was actually crying at one point. My husband was here when they started (they seem to happen more frequently when he is around), but he had dinner plans (no comment), so he left and my mom came over to be with me. The painful ones were coming every 10 minutes, so I called the doctor on call. She said to go to the ER, of course, because that's always what they say. So, my sister came over to watch the Munchkin and my mom drove me to the hospital.

Because I'm over 20 weeks, they took me directly up to the Labor/Delivery Ward. They hooked me up to a fetal monitor and all that fun jazz. I threw up a few times and the contractions stopped. My back was killing me and I suddenly just felt sick all over.

I was dehydrated, so they stuck an IV in me and gave me some juice and an anti-nausea medicine. The nurse finally decided that I just had a stomach bug. She said the contractions were probably just stress and the back pain was likely from a little fall I had on the stairs a few days before. I slept most of the next day and felt much better on Friday. I did ask my husband to take the Munchkin to daycare and pick her up, so I really appreciate him doing that.

I don't know what the deal was with those contractions, but I hope they don't come back because that was not cool. The baby moves around a LOT. I remember being so awed by the movement with the Munchkin. It is a lot less magical this time around, as this whole experience is, given the circumstances. He is making things very uncomfortable for me. All that energy I had a couple weeks ago is suddenly gone. My hips kill me at night, so I switch sides every hour, at least. The acid reflux was bad in my last trimester with the Munchkin, but it started early with this one. Doesn't matter what I eat or when I eat it...I'm going to suffer. It is especially bad with chocolate, though. :(

The Munchkin does love talking about the baby and feeling the baby kick and coming up with names for the baby. She is the only one excited, it seems, but I do love that she is. She kisses him goodnight and "tickles" him and talks to him. And she tells everyone she sees about her baby brother. It is pretty adorable.

I'm pretty worried about her, though. I thought things would get easier for her, but they really haven't. She's always been such a great sleeper. She stayed in her bed pretty well and once she was asleep, you didn't hear from her until you wake her up. When her dad moved out, she asked if she could sleep with me and she has been ever since. The two nights when I was sick, I told her she needed to sleep in her own bed so that she didn't get my germs. Both nights, she woke up in the middle of the night crying and she had wet the bed. She said she had nightmares about her family disappearing.

In the class for divorcing parents that the county made me take, they mentioned that young children would be worried about the parent they live with leaving too. That makes me so sad that she thinks I might leave her. It breaks my heart. I try to reassure her constantly that I will always be here.

Her first week back at preschool went well and the teacher was very impressed with her. But, then the next week she told a kid that she was going to kill them, got caught dumping a bunch of toilet paper in the toilet for fun and hit a kid with a block. She throws insane tantrums now where she screams as loud as she can and throws things. I sense a lot of anger in her and I don't blame her one bit.

At her 4 year check up, her usually reserved doctor was downright chatty with me, expressing sympathy over the situation and offering any help. She suggested that I take her to a therapist. How sad is that? My 4 year old is going to have a therapist. Ugh.

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 16:00:00 +0000

A FaceBook application generated these random posts from this past year.

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 19:08:00 +0000

Most days, I can fake being okay pretty well. Today is not one of those days. It's the weekend before Christmas and it is just impossible for me to be happy. I should be out doing holiday things with my husband and daughter. Exchanging smiles with him as we watch her enjoy the season. Snuggling with him by the fire, watching the lights on the tree, putting together her presents that have a million parts. I didn't even realize how much I'm going to miss seeing his family at Christmas. We would drive through the Isle of Lights and visit my favorite store and enjoy his mom's homemade pralines. He'll be doing that with our little girl instead this year. I never thought I'd be away from the two of them on Christmas.

I just don't understand what went wrong. Sure, things are hard sometimes, but we always worked it out and I thought we were on our way to getting everything we ever wanted. This little boy was going to complete our family, finally. He was a loving husband and father. We were a team and best friends. We had good friends to have fun with. Our business was doing well. I would get a job and things would be fine again. I honestly don't know what happened. I just can't even believe it. I thought I was a pretty good wife, but I guess not. I miss who he was so much.

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 03:31:00 +0000

Had a trip to the ER tonight. The cramps got up to one every minute at one point, so the nurse had me go in. So, at 19 weeks I'm already having Braxton-Hicks contractions. I guess my uterus is practicing for the Big Dance. They gave me a prescription to stop them and told me to drink 100 oz of water a day. Is that even possible?! I'm supposed to relax and check in with my nurse tomorrow.

The baby is too small to hook up to a fetal monitor, but it had a strong heartbeat. He sure was kicking a lot. The doctor was warning me about pre-term labor and how the baby isn't "viable" enough for delivery yet. She was preaching to me about relaxing and the harmful effects of stress. I was all, "Lady, I am totally chill. I got no worries." I will totally relax right after I clean up the dinner dishes, put away the laundry that's on the bed, take out the trash, wrangle the kid into her jammies, brush her teeth and put her back to bed 15 times. Then, I will totally put my feet up.

My after-care instructions actually said, "Don't lift anything; have someone else take care of household chores and cook for you." I had to laugh. I'm such a martyr, right?

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 03:50:00 +0000

I just want to say "thank you" to everyone that is offering assistance and kind thoughts. Seriously, I can't tell you how much it means to me. Unfortunately, I have no positive news to report on the home front...he just doesn't want to come back.

I've been desperately searching for a job and I have a couple options, neither of them what I was hoping for. I could take one job that pays barely over minimum wage and an unpredictable schedule, but has health care benefits and the possibility of promotion. Or, I could take another job that pays several dollars an hour more (still far less than my previous job), but does not have benefits (which I will need) and has no possibility of promotion, but would be working for a very nice lady that is sympathetic to my situation. Both jobs require a lot of time on my feet and daily lifting of large boxes, so that should be exciting.

By the time I pay for child care, I will be bringing home practically nothing. I applied for discounted child care, which I may qualify for, but only if I take the lower paying job...the one that would make child care difficult by its ever-changing schedule. With the temporary child support/spousal support I'm getting, I don't qualify for food assistance. Neither of these jobs will pay the bills that will allow me to keep the house or the minivan. Since I'm pretty sure I owe more on both those loans than they are worth, I'm not sure where that leaves me. Oh, I know...completely stressed out.

I've been able to disguise my belly pretty well until last week. All of sudden, it was just OUT there. I'd felt a couple flutters here and there, but I was too busy to really pay much attention. Friday night, he felt the need to really make his presence felt, by hosting a rave at 11 pm. It actually felt kind of frantic, which freaked me out, but it calmed down after about 30 minutes. I've definitely been able to identify his movements since then. However, Saturday, I started having tightening that felt like the Braxton Hicks contractions that I had with the Munchkin. Obviously, it is way too early for that to be normal, so when they didn't go away, I called the doctor Sunday night. I drank a TON of water, as directed, but they've still been happening. On Monday, the nurse reiterated that I need to be drinking at least 64 oz of water a day or I'll get dehydrated. I had no problem doing that at my desk job with Munchkin, but I'm kind of busy right now, so I haven't spent much time thinking about my water intake. My aunt told me that she went into premature labor when she got dehydrated, so I made sure to drink it today, but I still have the cramping, so I don't know what the problem is.

I keep thinking of that scene in "Reality Bites" where the newspaper editor asks Wynona Ryder's character to define "irony". We tried unsuccessfully for a year and a half to have a healthy pregnancy. I have one now, but I'm so busy being a single parent that I can't enjoy it. In fact, can barely think about it. That's irony.

Since I've announced the gender of the baby, I've been getting a lot of questions. I don't mind the questions at all, but the answers make me sad.

FAQ:

1. Do you have a name picked out?----No. I'm still thinking about using Isabella. The Munchkin likes Herman and Santa Baby.

2. Are you registered?----No. I don't even remember what a baby needs. With the Munchkin, we had the nursery oufitted and ready by month 3. I had every intention of having the nursery ready by now, but as previously discussed, there are more pressing issues, like where we will be living. All the baby clothes I have are pink and I'm totally okay with him wearing that. It will give him something to talk about in therapy when he's older.

3. Do you need anything?---Yes. A good paying job with benefits that will allow me to sit during my high-risk pregnancy. Affordable child care at a quality, licensed facility center. A miracle that will allow me to raise my children in this house. An angel that will magically save me from the insanity that will likely ensue when the newborn is screaming for no reason at 3 am and I am so tired that I don't know my name and my 4 year old can't sleep through the racket and I have to get up in 2 hours to get them dressed and ready for work. Because how am I going to be able to afford to take any maternity leave?!

Sorry...I'm having a pity party. I try to think about how much worse it could be, but I don't get very far sometimes.

Boy, oh Boy

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 15:40:00 +0000

Baby is 17 weeks today...My appointment on Monday went fine. I heard the heartbeat, which sounded very strong. Today, I had a Level 2 sonogram at the perinatologist. Baby looks great, right on schedule, weighs 6 oz. and...IT'S A BOY!!! (I have no clue what to do with a boy.)

So, my husband came by last night. We were able to talk about some next steps and we didn't even argue. It was nice to have normal-ish conversations about family and such.

I invited him to come to today's sonogram. I brought the Munchkin, as well, so she was excited to "see" the baby. He was absolutely thrilled to find out that it was a boy. It was nice to share a happy moment as a family. I asked (again) if he would come home and work things out. I told him that I missed him and he said that he missed me, too, but he just wasn't sure about coming back.

And so, here is my public plea to him...PLEASE come home. I know we can fix this. I am completely committed to doing everything I can to save this marriage. Come be a part of a lovely family of four. Without your constant supervision, this baby may end up wearing pink tutus and carrying sparkly wands. Please, please, please come home. We miss you.

Pretty much the worst dayS ever

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 19:50:00 +0000

I feel sick. Last fall, when I was curled up in bed begging for the pain to end, I never would have guessed that just a year later, I'd be going through a different Hell and that it could get much, much worse. But, after 3 miscarriages and losing my job, I should have figured that the world wasn't done kicking me.

Last night, I had to have a horrible conversation with my not-quite four-year-old daughter. I'd been avoiding it for the past week, but it finally had to be done. She suddenly asked, "Why is it taking Daddy so long to come home?" And I had to sit her down and explain that her daddy no longer lived with us. And I had to watch as her world came crashing down and she wailed, "He doesn't live here? WHY?" I struggled for words to explain that it had nothing to do with her, but that her daddy no longer wanted to be with her mommy, to which she let out another wail of disbelief. Then, I held her as she sobbed, "But I need a daddy!!" I tried to explain that he would still be her daddy and she would still get to see him, but she wouldn't be consoled. After several minutes of crying, she sniffled, "Well, I guess I won't have a daddy. I guess I'll just have a mommy." Then, she needed to be held for a long time. Some time later, she looked up at me and asked, "He's never coming back?"

Today, we were curled up on the couch and she said, "Maybe when the wishing star comes out, I can wish for a Daddy."

I don't even have any words for those moments that break my heart. Infinite sadness and anger. I just can't express how unfair this situation is to this beautiful, intelligent, spirited, light of my life. She is losing so much in this. Her father, her cat, her safe and happy home, her friends, her neighbors, her teachers and school...things that every child needs. Now, she'll be uprooted, taken out of the only home she's ever known, transplanted to a little apartment where she knows no one and has no friends to play with and shares a room with a screaming newborn. She'll have to go back to daycare full-time, likely a new school, with new kids and new teachers and new rules. She's right...the only constant in her life will be me.

I'm so grateful for my family and the fact that they live so close. They are doing everything they can to help make her world keep spinning and I LOVE LOVE LOVE them for it, but they can't be with us all the time. They have their own lives, too. She and I have to find a way to make our lives together as a family of 2-1/2 and to make it happy, if at all possible.

I feel sorry for me, too, of course-- I lost my best friend. It hurts that I can't talk to him or put my arms around him or laugh with him. It is amazing how much a person can change in a couple of weeks. I miss the man he used to be, even if that man was flawed; I still loved him.

I wouldn't be surprised if I go into my pre-natal appointment today and the doctor says that a huge ulcer swallowed the baby whole. I had started feeling better after the first trimester was over, but then all this happened and I started vomiting again, only because of stress now. I can't eat much because I never know if it is going to stay down. I'm pretty sure I haven't gained an ounce since my last appointment.

I hate pretending like everything is fine. People are going to find out eventually, so now you know. There's no point asking "why?" because I don't have the answer and I'm trying to keep this as civil as possible. I know you are shocked and don't know what to say. That's ok. Thanks for your thoughts.

Twilight Parody

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 04:37:00 +0000

Taylor Swift on Saturday Night Live...funny.

Happy Hallow-birthday!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 03:59:00 +0000

P.S. (But at the top) I hate that Blogger makes it so difficult to move pictures around once they're uploaded. Anyway, I was pretty impressed that I "fixed" the munchkin's little table today. It used to be covered in like a shrink-wrapped plastic thing that you could write on and wipe off. It got a bubble and then we tore it off and it hasn't been the same since. Today, I glued a map and some language flash cards to the top and then put contact paper over it. We'll see how long that lasts. Yeah, Martha Stewart should totally hire me.

Happy Birthday to me. It was a nice day. Went to the mall, got some perfume that smells like cotton candy and free birthday lip gloss. Took a much needed nap, but missed another birthday party for it. :(

My sister, her boyfriend and my mom came with us to Red Lobster to celebrate my day. Took the munchkin trick-or-treating, but by then, most people had turned off their lights (at 8 pm). :( Not cool, Peeps.

Changed into my jammies and the fam brought out my cake. German chocolate with coconut pecan icing. YUM! There aren't even 31 candles on the cake, but it managed to smoke up the entire room when I blew them out, in one breath, I might add.

Today, I wore a tight shirt for the first time and I just loved my little belly bump! I'm already wearing the little extenders on my regular jeans. I did feel the need to tell the new neighbors that I was pregnant so that they wouldn't think I'd just eaten too much candy the night before. I have been feeling better the past couple of days, so I've been trying to get some stuff done, and then I wind up over-doing it. I need to watch that.

Also, if you have the swine flu---STAY AWAY FROM ME!!! This thing is killing pregnant women because their immune systems are already weakened, so please keep your germs to yourself!! (I'm seriously terrified about this.) We got up early to go get in line at the county health dept to get the vaccine, but there were, literally, a thousand people lined up for blocks. I didn't really want to spend my birthday standing outside in line just to find out that they ran out of them.

It was such a beautiful day, as Nov. 1 always seems to be, so we took down the Halloween decorations and put up the Christmas stuff. Roy was a machine. He also edited about a million client photos and cleaned the kitchen.

The munchkin helped out. The effect the baby is having on me is becoming very obvious. I'm just too tired to care that she put on a shirt that is too small, her underwear is hanging out of her pants and she's wearing rain boots with one pant leg out. Really need to Windex that door, too.

Our new kitten, Ernest, found a nice place to sleep among some coats heaped on a chair. This cat is CRAZY. She jumps in the bathtub, leaps at the walls for no apparent reason, loves nothing better than attacking people's legs and seems to be mute. I don't know if being strange is just part of her Hemingway genetic code, but she is just bizarre. Adorable, but bizarre.

I wasn't kidding about the Christmas decorations. Outside is DONE. You can scoff now, but when you are out in the freezing ass cold in a few weeks, trying to stake an inflatable into the frozen ground and stringing lights while getting frostbite, you'll understand. Feliz Navidad, Yo.

I've got a baby in my tummy!!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 19:52:00 +0000

That's my baby! The sonographer wanted to be sure I could see the two little feet sticking up in the air. :) My sister and I heard the heartbeat again and mercifully, I was able to have the sonogram done the normal way! Baby is now measuring 11 weeks, 5 days, which means that Wednesday marks the end of the first trimester!! I was tearing up just from being so thankful to make it this far. I feel like maybe I can relax, just a little, though there is still so much time to go. It feels like a real baby now. A couple people even told me I was showing!! I've noticed a bigger belly the past couple weeks, but I like that other people can tell.

To celebrate, my sister and I had a lovely lunch at the Cheesecake Factory, which I'd been craving. I just can't thank my family enough for all of their love and support.

Sono #2

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 21:04:00 +0000

I had some more bleeding this weekend, but it appeared to be "old" blood, as the doctor described it. I was still nauseous, hungry and tired, but my doctor said that even if I had miscarried, my body may still think it was pregnant, so she really wanted to do another ultrasound. We went in this morning, and I'll be honest, I was expecting the worst.

I can't wait until I can have ultrasounds done the regular way... Anyway, we saw a sac, but it looked empty. I just knew something had happened. But, no, the baby was tucked in the end. But, was there a heartbeat? I was sure there wasn't. But, there was a heartbeat and it was a good one. I was shocked.

She did see some blood on the ultrasound, but it was near the cervix and it didn't appear to be actively bleeding. She said that it could have been from the sonogram/pelvic exam or from implantation. I might see some more bleeding, so I'm going to try not to freak out.

She said the cervix is very vascular, especially during pregnancy. I'm wondering if the aspirin that I'm taking caused more bleeding than I normally would have seen. That's what I'm hoping anyway.

I'm not counting chickens yet, of course, but I'm glad we got good news. 8 weeks, 1 day, so we're still right on target. The picture above is from my phone, so it isn't very good, but the baby is so much more defined this week. You can see the head and appendages of some sort. So...yay. :)

I'm hoping this news can help us get through the next 3 weeks, which are bound to be the roughest. This past weekend was real bad. Tensions are high, I didn't feel well, I'm not finding a job and the house is mess because I didn't want to do anything that would make the bleeding worse. (By the way, if anyone knows of a part-time job where I'd be sitting most of the time, let me know. :) Roy works hard and comes home to do everything and then work on the business, too. Audrey and I have been suffering from serious cabin fever because I didn't want to chase her around the park or go for a walk. She's been talking back a lot and refuses to pick up her toys and calls us "mean" when she doesn't get her way. So, all in all, home has not been fun lately. Ernest the kitten provides some lighter moments when she isn't being abused by the child. We're certainly looking forward to Halloween. And, that's about it....

Waiting

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 23:13:00 +0000

So, the bleeding tapered off Tuesday morning. The nurse said that the bleeding could have been caused by Monday's pelvic exam or the sonogram. They don't want to cause anymore bleeding with another sonogram, so now we wait. If the bleeding returns, that isn't good. If it doesn't come back, maybe things are ok.

Meanwhile, I am sitting on my behind and not doing anything that doesn't have to be done. I don't want to take any chances, so unfortunately Roy is doing everything. Thankfully, he is awesome, but I feel bad since he already works so hard. Poor Audrey will not be going to the park with me anytime soon, so she's getting a little bit of cabin fever. And we wait...

No words

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 20:33:00 +0000

I started bleeding around 11 o'clock last night. My doctor could only come up with "unbelievable."

I flustered a nurse yet again by declining to go in for a sonogram today. We all knew what it would show, so my doctor said she understood. Supposed to go in later this week to draw blood again. Hopefully, it will sort itself out because I do not want to do another D&C.

We can't really even find a way to make funny cracks this time.

Baby

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 01:27:00 +0000

We had our sonogram today and breathed an enormous sigh of relief when we saw that baby's heart was beating. 140 beats per minute-- very strong. I always forget that I have a tilted uterus, so they can't do the sonogram the normal way. SOooo not comfortable. Baby is 7 weeks, 1 day along, which is less than 2 days away from my LMP date, so that is great. That puts the due date around May 14. (Spring Baby!)

But, I'm not getting my hopes up yet. We still have 5 weeks to go before I can breathe a little easier. Of course, the doctor is confident that all will be well, but they always are, aren't they?

The perinatologist wants me to get a sonogram every month and once we get to a certain point, I'll have to do non-stress tests twice a week. So....there you go. I'll keep ya posted.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 03:51:00 +0000

We had a little "oops" moment that very night after our perinatologist visit and I knew right away that since it was during the middle of my cycle, I was most likely going to get pregnant. I was immediately concerned, since we were supposed to wait at least 3 months. The next day, I called both my new OBGYN and my PCP. I wanted to 1) relay our perinatal visit, 2) find out who I was supposed to be talking to while we were planning to get pregnant, and 3) to see if I should be on progesterone now. After several phone calls, we decided that I should be liaising with my OBGYN while preparing to get pregnant. She said that even in light of the "oops", I should wait until I have a positive home pregnancy test to start taking the progesterone. I wasn't sure I agreed, but I'm not the doctor.

After a couple of weeks, I didn't feel any pregnancy symptoms, so I talked myself into believing that I wasn't pregnant after all. I only allow myself one caffeinated beverage a day, but I kept that up, feeling guilty the whole time.

We shot a wedding on September 12 and I was exhausted, as usual, the next day. I spent nearly the whole day in bed. The day after that, I still felt incredibly tired. At first, I was very confused, until I remembered the "oops." For a few days, I kept my suspicions to myself. I told myself that I would wait until the end of the week to see if Aunt Flo stopped by.

On Wednesday, the 16th, I was a little emotional and I decided to just take a test that evening. The "control" line was nice and bright, but the "positive" line was very faint. I was angry. We'd been here before and it ended badly. So, I decided that this was also likely to end badly and Roy agreed.

I called my doctor the next day so that I could go ahead and start taking the progesterone just in case. She wanted me to come in right away for a sonogram, but I requested to wait a couple weeks. This really flustered the nurse, but I explained that we'd been through this 3 times already. We had just received the bill for the last sonogram, which ended badly, and weren't all that excited about paying another $150 for a similar result. I reasoned that since I was on all the medications I was supposed to be on, that there wasn't anything they could do either way. She spoke to the doctor and agreed to wait a week and a half for the sonogram. I hated feeling this negative, but I figured I shouldn't get my hopes up.

Using my LMP, we figured I was 6 weeks along. I asked the nurse if the line should be faint at 6 weeks. In our experience, a faint line could mean either you just got pregnant or you are about to not be pregnant. She agreed that the line shouldn't be faint at 6 weeks. She told me to wait a couple days and take another test, but in the morning. On the morning of the 19th, I took another test with the same faint result, so I was feeling even more negative.

The next week, though, I really started having serious symptoms. I was so tired that I was letting Audrey sleep in ridiculously late and forcing her to take naps that she didn't want to, all so that I could get in some more sleep. Sometimes, I even threw in movies so that I could nap on the couch while she watched it. I was hungry all the time and I started feeling slightly nauseous. As the week progressed, the symptoms got stronger. My first trimester with Audrey went like this the whole 3 months. Despite being miserable, we figured this was a good sign, since I hadn't felt these strong symptoms with the other miscarriages. I started thinking ever so slightly more positively.

As usual, I kept waiting for the telltale bleeding to start. When we got to a week after the first pregnancy test, I got a little more excited. With the 1st and 3rd miscarriages, I didn't make it a week after a positive test. On Thursday evening, the 24th, we decided that I'd take another test to make sure we were still "positive" before the Monday sonogram. We'd hate to waste our time going to a doomed appointment. This time, we used a digital readout test. It told us very simply that we were, in fact, "pregnant." There were no lines to worry about, so I don't know if we would have had the same result if we'd used the line test again. Frankly, I don't think we wanted to even take the chance that we'd see faint lines again.

The results are in...

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 02:44:00 +0000

When I met with my new OBGYN, she set up an appointment for me with a perinatologist to find out more about the MTHFR gene and how it might be affecting my pregnancies. I lost that pregnancy the next week, but she wanted me to keep the appointment with the specialist.

On August 20, we went to the perinatologist expecting to meet with them and talk about testing. I assumed that we were going to work together to form a game plan to successfully make us a baby. It didn't quite work out that way.

They took us into an office to speak to a genetic counselor. I'll be honest. I didn't like her. We had to initiate the conversation and she kind of acted like, "What is it that you want from me?" And I was like, "My doctor told me to come and here I am." She had the test results in her hand. She said that, yes, the MTHFR gene definitely could cause clotting and loss of folate, which could lead to a miscarriage. However, they had ran some other test at the same time and those results led them to believe that this was not the cause of the miscarriage.

We asked what that meant and she said that, essentially, we were back at square one. It could be a thyroid problem, diabetes, etc... But, they tested me for all of that after the second miscarriage and the results were all "negative", I told her. She said the tissue sample that they tested after the D&C was thought to be female, but they could not determine if the tissue was mine or the fetus'. Again, I'm now mad at my previous doctor because she made it sound like we knew there was nothing wrong with me because all the test results were negative.

So, this chick said there was a possibility that even if Roy and I's chromosomes were fine by themselves, that once they got together to make a baby, something wonky happened and they became unbalanced. If that were the case, then 50% of our pregnancies would end badly due to chromosomal abnormalities. This was all beyond me, so she pulled out a chromosomal chart that didn't help at all. Roy seemed to get what she was saying, so I just nodded. Her suggestion was that we both undergo a high resolution chromosome scan to see if this was the problem. She said it was a $1500 test, so we should check to see if our insurance would cover it.

Next, she brought in the doctor, who didn't even introduce himself. He sat down and propped his feet up while he glanced at our chart. He said that because of this MTHFR gene, I would need to take a baby aspirin and folate pills everyday for the rest of my life to help prevent heart attack and stroke, aside from helping with the next pregnancy. He said he'd like for us to wait 3-6 cycles before we try again. I asked if low progesterone might be a cause for the miscarriages. I'd had low progesterone with the first two miscarriages and my doctor had put me on a supplement to help. I asked him if I should just start taking that now, as well. He said, "That is something you'll have to ask your doctor." I was like, "Wait. Aren't you the baby doctor specialist?"

Then, he looks up and says with absolute certainty, "Yep, I think if you just start taking those, then you should be fine," and then he stood to indicate that we were done...after 3 minutes with us.

I stammered, "So we don't need to have the chromosome test done, then?" And he looked at me like I was crazy and said, "You've had three miscarriages. You definitely need to have that test done." And I looked at him like, "What the hell?!" If a baby aspirin is going to solve my problem, why do I need to do this test?! Why did I even have to come here?! Why couldn't a doctor have told me that after, say, the first miscarriage? Or maybe even the second? "Hey, it won't hurt anything, so why don't we just go ahead and have you take this and see what happens? We don't know what the hell is wrong, but this just might fix it."

I started crying. I was so frustrated and I felt like these people weren't taking my problem seriously. To go through three of these horrible experiences and then to have him come in there, glance at our life's story and announce that a little over-the-counter pill was going to solve everything, without even a small measure of sensitivity or an acknowledgement of our suffering, blew me away. I should be excited that we had a "cure", but I didn't trust his certainty one bit. I remember my doctor telling me with absolute certainty that I had experienced "my one" miscarriage and the next pregnancy would be smooth sailing. If he was so certain, why the stupid test?!

Anyway, I walked out of there pissed off and hoping that I would never have to see those stupid people again. You would think that specialists in their line would have practiced a little more compassion in their delivery. Whatever. I cried a lot that day. Apparently, I only heard the "wait 6 months" part, not the "3-6 months" part. I was pretty darn upset about that. I hadn't even thought to ask why. Roy was like, "If we wait 6 months, that will give us another December baby. Swell."

I called our insurance company and after 10 phone calls back and forth between them and the perinatologist, found out that insurance would pay for the test, so we went in on August 28 to get our blood drawn. The receptionist that set up the appointment had never heard of the test and didn't know if we needed to fast for it. When we arrived, they only had me down to test, but we assured them that they were supposed to test both of us. Mine went smoothly, but poor Roy, who gives blood regularly, got poked multiple times and bruised repeatedly because the nurse couldn't tap a good vein. She actually walked away at one point because she was so frustrated. It took her 20 minutes to get a vial of blood from him and ended up having to go through the top of his hand.

We were told it would be at least two weeks to get results. Frankly, I was going to be surprised if they actually ran the test correctly. On September 18, they called to tell me that we "are both fine," in a sunshine-y tone.

New Moon trailer, part 3

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 14:44:00 +0000

2 months to go! Who's excited? I'm really liking Dakota Fanning's Jane. I'm very impressed with Taylor as Jacob. Looks like Kristin is overacting, as usual. I think the big disappointment is going to come from Ashley's Alice. Doesn't look like she put much effort into her lines.

I don't remember a fight scene with the Volturi, but there it is in the trailer. Jane did her thing, but aside from that, they were doing their best to provoke Edward, but he didn't want to start a fight that he wouldn't win, which would endanger Bella. We'll see how the wolves look in real time. They certainly didn't show much in this trailer. And, no mention of Victoria. I'm still mad about that whole deal.

I thought the first episode of "The Vampire Diaries" was good. We'll see how the next one goes. Can't wait for the new season of "True Blood" now that Mary Ann is out of the picture. More Eric!!

Moving on....

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 20:24:00 +0000

New "New Moon" trailer!! Awesome!! I think I'm going to end up liking movie-Jake better than book-Jake. Taylor is just too darn likeable.

Also, these little cuties will be on my daughter's Christmas list. Look how sneaky I am.

And, you'll be receiving this lovely little thing in the mail in a couple of months, as Hallmark releases it's line of "New Moon" greeting cards. Maybe I'll throw a "New Moon" party instead of a Halloween party this year. All the requisite licensed paper goods will be available at Hallmark. Anyone else gonna get in on a piece of "Twilight"? Where is the Limited Edition Edward Volvo?

Three Strikes...I'm out

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 18:02:00 +0000

Does anyone else watch "Phineas & Ferb" on the Disney channel? It is our favorite cartoon in this house and I think we've seen every episode. The other day, there was an episode where an embarrassing video of the evil Dr. Doofenschmirtz was circulating on the internet. So, he built a device that would remove whatever he wanted from every computer in the Tri-State area, as well as erase it from everyone's memory. The Erasonator, I believe he called it. I sure could use one of those right now to erase my stupid Facebook post and the 36 wonderful comments that followed.

Yesterday, I got results from the blood that was taken last Thursday at my PCP's office. They didn't run an HCG test, but my progesterone level was 11.8, very low. This didn't tell us any more than we already knew. I was still hoping that we were looking at a very early pregnancy. I woke up this morning, eagerly awaiting results from Tuesday's blood tests that should be in today. And...found that I was bleeding. Not spotting...bleeding.

I called my doctor's office and the results weren't back yet. The doctor said that, "The darn lab forgot to run the HCG test," but that they had ordered it this morning and should have results back in an hour. If it only takes an hour to run the test, why does it take 48 hours to get the frickin' results back? ANYway...

The nurse called a couple of hours ago and they found that my HCG level was 6, which she said shows that I had a "chemical pregnancy." This means, she said, that the egg was fertilized, but didn't implant. Chemical pregnancy is the term they use for a miscarriage that occurs before the fifth week of gestation, before a sac can be seen on an ultrasound.

The doc said that since I have now had three miscarriages, she still wants me to see a perinatologist to see if they can find the cause.

Frankly, Roy and I are tired of all this. The past few days have reminded us why we haven't tried since the last incident. It has been HELL. The waiting sucks. Life has to go on like nothing has happened, while we are sitting around wondering what the fuck is going on. Are we pregnant, or aren't we? I've been emotional and moody and taken it out on my poor little family.

It kills me that when I take my daughter to the playground, she looks around desperately for another kid to play with. When they leave, she whines, "Now who is going to play with me?" She refers to her friend Lydia as her sister, and her friend Ethan as her brother (although sometimes they get married). It hurts to see her fawning over babies and knowing how badly she wants one in our house. I hate to think about her lonely middle school years when she will wish there was another kid in the next room that she could whisper to at night. I want her to have the built-in playdate and confidant that I had growing up. I want her to have a best friend that shares the same blood on speed dial when she is grown up, so that she can tell them everything that she can't tell her mother. I want them to be able to talk about me behind my back and plan Mother's Day surprises for me. I don't want to cling to her so much that I suffocate her because I don't have two children to spread the love around to, because I am totally the mom that would do that. I don't want to burden her solely with our care when we are old and decrepit. Roy swears that being an only child was fine with him, but I know how much I love having a sister and I just wanted that for my kid, too.

Roy says he's done. I want to be done, but it feels a little selfish to just give up. I hate my life being in limbo. I wanted to decorate a nursery. Now, I feel like turning that room into a huge, kick-ass closet for my purses. We'll just go on with our life, spoil our daughter, grow our photography business and never think about another kid again. I'm half-tempted to have a hysterectomy.

The doctor's nurse just called to say that the doc wants me to have another HCG test in a week. I said, "Why?"

She paused and said, "Well, to make sure it goes back down to zero."

I said, "What's the point? I'm not going to be trying again anytime soon, so I'd rather not be a pin cushion if I don't have to."

She stammered and she said she'd ask the doctor and call me back. Roy laughed.

Roy has a whole stand-up routine that he's going through now called "Mitigating the Unhappy Times with Crude Humor". He joked that the publishers of "What To Expect When You're Expecting" should sell the book in trimesters because then we would only the need the first part. He's going to write a book called "What To Expect When You're Expecting...To Not Be Expecting" (copyright 2009). He also says he is going to hop the fence and kick the neighbor's dog.

I'm having cramps and back pain, but I need to go buy myself something pretty or maybe something that barks or purrs. "Anna, Here's a puppy since we can't give you a sibling. At least it won't steal your boyfriend." Also, I want to use the word FUCK....a lot.