Never Quit, Never Stop

Crash and Burn

2012-01-27T11:31:00.001-05:00

Let's just say that my run last night...well, it didn't go according to plan. The clip below is from an old, artsy movie, Koyaanisqatsi. The music is Philip Glass. My run at about mile 3 was equivalent to 1:26 in the clip below...

The rocket is an unmanned 1962 Centaur rocket explosion, not a Space Shuttle; the movie came out in 1982, four years before Challenger. The whole movie is a total trip, and a mediation on life, technology and nature. I have never watched it beginning to end, but in college it was a favorite movie for stoners and trippers. (In college, I once walked into a fraternity brother's room and saw a group of guys crying as they watched this part of the movie; they were all stoned out of their minds.) The music is haunting though, as is the image of the rocket falling.

Know Thyself

2012-01-26T11:24:00.001-05:00

In my high school, senior year of English class, for whatever reason, I recall that our English teacher told us that the Greek temple at Delphi had two maxims carved into the stone. "Know Thyself." and "Nothing in Excess." He explained that these two philosophies formed the core of Greek philosophy and living. I also have no idea if that is true or if he made it up. (A quick Google search reveals... it is certainly a popular belief, although not grounded in historical fact. So, he didn't make it up.)

At any rate, that came to mind when I saw this post, The Ten Golden Rules of Living the Good Life, by Panos Mourdoukoutas

In sum, he suggests:

1. Examine life, engage life with vengeance; always search for new pleasures and new destines to reach with your mind.
2. Worry only about the things that are in your control, the things that can be influenced and changed by your actions, not about the things that are beyond your capacity to direct or alter.
3. Treasure Friendship, the reciprocal attachment that fills the need for affiliation.
4. Experience True Pleasure. Avoid shallow and transient pleasures. Keep your life simple.
5. Master Yourself. Resist any external force that might delimit thought and action; stop deceiving yourself, believing only what is personally useful and convenient; complete liberty necessitates a struggle within, a battle to subdue negative psychological and spiritual forces that preclude a healthy existence; self mastery requires ruthless candor
6. Avoid Excess. Live life in harmony and balance.
7. Be a Responsible Human Being.
8. Don't be a Prosperous Fool.
9. Don’t Do Evil to Others.
10. Kindness towards others tends to be rewarded.

Rules 5 and 6 are basically the Delphi inscriptions (at least as related by my high school English teacher). While I realize they may not contain any groundbreaking philosophy, it did make me think about goals, living and ways to maximize the experience. As conflicting goals and the demands on time pile up (and change over time), it is always helpful to have a reminder of some basic tenets of leading the good life. I suppose I could wax on poetically about this, and quote a couple of other motivational things that are probably pretty unique to me (the end of Saving Private Ryan, anyone? Epictetus?), but at the end of the day, the rules don't make the call. We all do in our everyday choices.

So for me, running is baked into life and choices and a way to live and balance. It is important, but so are lots of other things.

Hope you have a great run!

The Ninja

2012-01-23T10:22:00.004-05:00

Ok, so every running blog from a Northeast/Midwest resident was dominated by news of the first real snow of the winter. That messed with my running plans too, but not nearly so much as child care issues. I actually set up my treadmill in our garage so I could have run, albeit in perhaps the single most boring location in America, my garage with nothing to look at except my car, firewood and garage door, and no TV or anything. So I couldn't run this weekend, which was no great loss; a break is OK sometimes.

Onto things, that actually did happen this week, I had a great run outdoors on Thursday., Perfect temperature, nice pace and just a general pleasing run. The new Gel Kayano 18 get a big thumbs up from me. They eliminated the asymmetrical lacing, which I think aggravated the stress fracture I had several years ago. As I finished up though, I was passed by a silent ninja, runner. I call him The Ninja for two reasons. First, he was very quiet and very fast. I didn't hear him until he was past me. And, I noticed he was prominently forefront striking, very deliberately. He was also a ninja because he was dressed in head to toe black clothing. On a dark night.

It is really dark up where I live. The area is the basis for Washington Irving's the Legend of Sleepy Hollow, and while it is nothing like that, it can be dark quiet, and I daresay spooky with the trees and leaves, quiet and a rustling wind. Back to my Ninja. In all this quietude, he was actually running on a busy street, but he literally was invisible. I was almost unsure he had passed me, and I couldn't pick him out until he ran under a streetlight and then I saw him again. I almost wanted to sprint up to catch him and tell him to put something reflective on -- his pants, a headband, something.

No matter how safe we think we are out there, if we only stay on sidewalks, trails, etc., there will be people who don't see you. I saw a very interesting show on National Geographic channel about the way the brain processes information, and very often people literally do not see something because they do not expect to see it. Many motorcycle accidents are caused by this phenomenon. The first three minutes of this video are fascinating:

(Spoiler alert: I didn't see the trick, and in fact doubted that it was correct; I actually replayed it on my DVR to make sure it really happened.) I was fooled by several other illusions and in the show. It is really amazing and taught me things about perception and concentration. I shared the show with my daughter to discourage her from studying with music on. Anyway.

At any rate, I was thinking of that show with The Ninja runner -- he was very, very difficult to see, and for someone not expecting a runner to suddenly run across the street, he would be invisible. Not hard to see; just invisible. Given how fast he was moving and his obviously practiced running form, I only hope that he was running later than normal and didn't realize how invisible he really was. Made me actually think about all the reflective stuff I have (which was zero) and what I ought to wear in the dark -- reflective hat, shorts, etc. I know Brooks makes a reflective line for dark running, and after seeing The Ninja, I went out and bought a reflective running shirt. (My wife just rolled her eyes, like I needed some excuse to buy more running gear.) The hat with blinking light might be a bit much. But made me certainly take notice

A video to demonstrate what I am talking about:

At any rate, stay safe, and if you have any tricks for visibility at night, let me know!

Cooooooold

2012-01-17T09:59:00.000-05:00

I woke up Sunday determined to get outside for a run. I had been inside on a treadmill most of the week and Sunday promised to be sunny and no rain or ice. I assumed it would be chilly, even though this week has been mild by NY winter standards. By "chilly" I was thinking 40 degrees or so. I bundled up, wore two shirts, a pair of running sweatpants from Target over my shorts and stepped out side. And, whoa, it was cold. Like really cold. I looked for my running gloves; couldn't find them. So, I improvised and used a pair of work gloves I bought at Home Depot to help out around the house. And off I went.

And, boy, was it cold. Maybe I am just a wuss and don't remember it being so cold and hard to run in the cold. Maybe I have never really run much in the cold (I prefer the treadmill in winter, when I run at all). I ran a hard five miles and thought, you know what? at least running in the summer, with the heat and sweat, I feel like I burned more calories and had a tough workout. In winter, it just feels like survival and trying to avoid frostbite or sweatcicles. Came inside, and as I showered, I felt my body tingle as the blood worked its way back out to skin.

And then I looked at the temp: 22 degrees. Oh, ok, so it wasn't "chilly" -- it was downright cold. For those of you who routinely run in frigid climes, my hat is off to you. I suppose I should have bundled up more. But, sheesh, it was still hard.

And the Home Depot running gloves worked out just fine, too.

Then I saw The Descendants Sunday night. Hawaii sure looked warm.

Gear Update

2012-01-12T10:21:00.000-05:00

Since I have been away from running world for awhile, I kind of quit both (i) following the new Running Gadgets and (ii) using my existing Running Gadgets. But, after a couple weeks of re-introduction to Runner Tech, I realize: you know what? Everything is basically the same.

First, my Garmin. Sigh. I love it and hate it all at once. I chronicled my love/hate relationship with my Garmin years ago. I have the 410, which is basically an improved 405. But even after putting it back on the wrist after a year or so layoff: wow, does it have its flaws. I almost wonder when exactly the product development people at Garmin, said, Ok! Now! It is ready to ship! The touch bezel is iffy; the software, while improved, is balky at best. The battery has a mind of its own; the latest update produced a wildly different calorie count. But, it hasn't lost any data or failed to pick up the satellite within 5 minutes of starting up. Lets just say this: it isn't better than I remember.

Training Software? SportTracks is still good, except now it isn't free and still doesn't have web functionality. Training Peaks is expensive and looks clunky to get my data from my Garmin 410 to the web. (Apparently the 410 device has different upload protocol that makes it difficult to upload).

Running shoes have gotten lighter. Like whoa, that a lot lighter. Big, clunky guys like me (6'3") run in big, clunky shoes (Asics Gel Kayanos), but the most recent iteration (18) is much lighter. I suppose this is all part of technology from barefoot minimalist world, but rest assured I will never join you.

The running shirts, shorts and socks (my sock review) world hasn't changed at all, as best I can tell. Maybe there is only so much technology you can pack into fabric.

Headphones? Well, still looking for the best ones. I have a pair of Sennheiser sports, but they seem to have strategically placed the volume/clip/fishing weight in the exact spot that I can't remove it or clip it onto my shorts. (The cord is actually two pieces, one shortish piece, that can plug into either an iPod or into a longer extension cord that has a volume control and clip on it. The short piece is too short to use solo unless you use it with a arm strap; pluggin it into the long piece means having a bouncing weight about 3 feet down in the middle of the cord, which then bounced and pulls the headphones out.) Sigh. I am back to using Yurbuds, but have had several pair stop working on me (all my fault, I might add). And the sound quality, eh not so much. Bought a pair of Westone headphones at an expo this summer, but couldn't get them to fit/not bounce/stay in. Still searching. And I love my iPod Nano, Fifth generation. Sixth Gen is too small and the touch screen too difficult to deal with when active I found.

Sooooo....Anyone with any suggestions on any new and wondrous products? Or even something that you just love that I should check out??

Hurray for LRS!!!

2012-01-09T11:38:00.001-05:00

Ok, so a shout out in favor of my Local Running Store (LRS), and why I hope we all support them. Last summer I bought a pair of running sunglasses. I got home and realized they were not polarized, which was one of the reasons I wanted a new pair in first place. They weren't that expensive ($50), so I thought I would just go back and exchange them. I never did, and I forgot about it. This weekend, I found them tucked away, in original box and bag, with my receipt, and thought, what the heck, why not? I will go ask and see if they can get manufacturer credit or something; if not, I could sell them on eBay. (I suppose I could have used them, but they would always be the glasses I didn't want, ya know?) Also, last year I bought Mrs. Wolve a Garmin 210 after she announced she was running a half marathon. She didn't, and the watch literally was never used. Never even unboxed. So, I thought the same thing, why not see if I could do a deal if they could send back to Garmin. If not, I more than completely understood. And then they would make their way to eBay.

My LRS stepped right up. Took both back, with a smile. I, in fact, exchanged the glasses for the polarized version, bought the wife a Timex Ironman watch and got myself a new pair of running shoes, and ended up owing them about $50. What a deal. Trade 2 things I didn't want for things that were needed. And I completely feel almost embarrassed by asking them to take them back, but they assured me it was all OK.
Thanks LRS!

On running notes, I wish it was that easy to run again. Last week was 20 miles, with an outdoor run up and down hills. Watching the Woodstock movie last night, I saw the performance of Crosby Stills and Nash, never one of my favorites, but wow what a performance. i have been having a loooonnngg debate with my 11 year old over what is good music; namely, imo, the overproduced dance/rap stuff on the radio involves no real musical skill. Steven Stills blew me away, even though I could honestly say I never knew anything about him. Despite the fact that it is a love song (not a running song) one line in Suite: Judy Blue Eyes resonated with me and the way I felt this weekend:

"Don't let the past, remind us of what we are not now..."

Getting back up

2012-01-06T10:11:00.003-05:00

Wow, has it really been six months since my last post? I knew that I written yet another, "I am going to get back into shape" post but then did not in fact get back in shape, but was it really six months ago? Wow.

But it isn't how many times you fall down, it is how many times you get back up.

And this time I am serious.

The last two years have been a crazy two years personally and professionally. Personally, I could never imagine the many joys and struggles, but I suppose that is life. But I finally feel like I am in place where everything is settled. Or, at least as settled as it can be with a 4 year old and 11 year old in the house. But we have our house in our same little town (the house process was a very complicated drama in and of itself). And the new house is fantastic. And work is going well. I actually wrote the previous "I am back" post the week before we moved into the new house, and two weeks before summer vacation. Looking back on it, no wonder I didn't stick to it.

The only problem is that with all of those things, I consciously let my running and health slide to the back burner. I knew I was out of shape, overweight and not running. But, looking back, I really didn't have the mental energy and commitment to deal with that problem when so many other things in life were going on. Work stress, house stress, kids, holidays, etc. And, frankly, I didn't want to start running again, knowing how far I had fallen from before.

So, with GREAT trepidation, I strapped on my shoes on New Years Day and went for a run on a familiar track in Florida. Two and a half years ago, in the same area, I ran 18 miles in 2:30. This year, I hoped to be able to run 4 miles without passing out. But I bucked myself up with all of my mantras -- never say I used to, say I can; the longest journey begins with one step; the hardest part of any journey is leaving the front porch; and, it doesn't matter how many times you fall, but how many times you got up. And went out and ran...slowly. For the first time in 6 months. No heart rate monitor (it would have mortified me to see how hard it was pumping), no stopwatch, nothing to give me an idea of pace or whatever.

The run was actually much easier than I thought. And more fun. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain, and ran that way, and it just sort of flowed. The run was like seeing an old friend again, someone I had not seen in a long time, and going out and having a drink and laughing about the old times. I am not going to kid around and say it was easy or not a struggle, but, at the end of the day, I did it; 5 miles in about 47 minutes (Even though I did not have Garmy, I know the distance because I have run there so many times.)

So, I would like to think, I can do it this time. This time, it is for real. I have goals, a purpose statement, and an end game in mind. Before I get all sappy with that,i will make sure I stay on the path.

But really, this time is different. My wife rolls her eyes when I tell her I going to lose the weight, run the marathon, etc. I understand why; really I do. She isn't being negative or unsupportive, just realistic. But not this time.

This time it sticks.

The Climb Back Up, Retracing My Steps

2011-07-27T10:40:00.001-04:00

When I was in college, my roommate was dating a girl that he really didn't like very much. He would agonize over calling her to ask her out and then dread doing the call. So, after one weekend, he resolved he wasn't going to call her. So he didn't call her for about a week. And then he couldn't call her because it would be too awkward, so he just shut down and didn't call her again for a weekend, and avoided her out at the bars. One week became two weeks. And then he just completely started ducking her friends and where she hung out because it became so awkward. We gave him merciless grief over being a chicken, wimping out, etc. Eventually the girl started dating another friend of ours, and we all thought "good for her." She even told us later no hard feelings. The moral of this story: sometimes when you move away from something, it becomes too awkward to start again. So you wall it off. The easiest (not the best) way out is just to pull the rip chord and disappear from the scene.

Of course, that is an allegory for my situation with running. Once I stopped, it became too awkward to just sort of dabble and hold on casually. I just stopped. Stopped running, stopped blogging, stop reading about running, stop reading Runners World, stopped looking at running gear, stopped everything. Not a noble or wise decision, and I knew it, but it was the path of least resistance.

I could attribute my downfall to many factors, such as injury, work, etc. Sooooooo much has happened in the last 6-9 months it is incredible. But the bottom line is that life got in the way. It wasn't so much life problems, but let's just say life got very complicated and stressful over our housing situation. In a nutshell, we sold our place, and unexpectedly moved to a small apartment, and then had a nightmare scenario in buying a new house. But, all is well that ends well: we move into a new house next week. So, all of that stress and difficulty is behind me.

But I have written the "I am back" post, and then crashed, so I am not going to say that I am back. In fact, I just started the training regimen, and I have tried several times before and then not followed through. But never quit, right? Seize the day! The longest journey begins with a single step. Blah, blah, blah.

And I have dug myself a deep hole to get out of. All of the fitness from previous marathons: gone. Weight is way up; higher than even when my father in law challenged me to run 5 miles in 45 minutes two years ago. That's depressing and very limiting. So, for a long time, this blog won't be about splits and races and heartrates. It also won't be about dieting; I would rather not discuss diet food and the scale.

But, to keep myself in the loop, and to remind myself of the joy, the community and the ultimate true benefit of running, being fit, etc., I have decided to re-engage with the running world, check in on my bloggy friends, and to try to stay on the path. This time.

It’s all now you see. Yesterday won’t be over until tomorrow and tomorrow began ten thousand years ago. For every Southern boy fourteen years old, not once but whenever he wants it, there is the instant when it’s still not yet two o’clock on that July afternoon in 1863, the brigades are in position behind the rail fence, the guns are laid and ready in the woods and the furled flags are already loosened to break out and Pickett himself with his long oiled ringlets and his hat in one hand probably and his sword in the other looking up the hill waiting for Longstreet to give the word and it’s all in the balance, it hasn’t happened yet, it hasn’t even begun yet, it not only hasn’t begun yet but there is still time for it not to begin against that position and those circumstances which made more men than Garnett and Kemper and Armistead and Wilcox look grave yet it’s going to begin, we all know that, we have come too far with too much at stake and that moment doesn’t need even a fourteen-year-old boy to think: This time. Maybe this time, with all this much to lose than all this much to gain: Pennsylvania, Maryland, the world, the golden dome of Washington itself to crown with desperate and unbelievable victory the desperate gamble, the cast made two years ago; or to anyone who ever sailed a skiff under a quilt sail, the moment in 1492 when somebody thought: This is it: the absolute edge of no return, to turn back now and make home or sail irrevocably on and either find land or plunge over the world’s roaring rim.

Faulkner, "Intruder in the Dust"

New Garmin Same as the Old Garmin. Only better.

2011-01-04T11:08:00.000-05:00

Well, I bought myself the new Garmin 410 last fall. I have used it several times, and have a rather succinct review: its the same as the 405, only improved. (For my love/hate relationship with my old 405, read here.) The undeniably biggest difference is that the touch bezel no longer goes psycho crazy when it gets wet or sweated upon. I haven't run in summertime humidity with intense sweating yet, but I did run in the rain with it. And so far it acts normally. That is it rightfully reacts to a touch from a finger and not to wetness. Also the fact that it is wet does not cause it to freeze or lock up.

So that is an improvement. Other than that? Seems to me to be the same watch. Looks the same, same strap (although it does come with a soft strap). Same interface and screens and software (although it is supposed to pick up satellites better, but I haven't noticed). I am a little frustrated in that I had all of my settings and screens set up on my old watch, and now I have to figure them all out again to get it to the way I like it.

Sort of an anti-climactic review I know, but it really doesn't feel any different from the 405, other than the fact that the 410 works when it is wet. That is a big improvement, but worth dropping 360 bucks on? If you have a 405, I wouldn't run out and buy the 410 unless you need a new Garmin; my old 405 was kind of getting long in the tooth; I bought it the first couple of weeks 405 was on the market in April 2008, so I bought the new 410 instead. And honestly, the 410 feels like the watch the 405 should have been. Fewer hardware meltdowns, brain freezes and general instability. But still is that worth the upgrade? Eh, probably not.

New Year, New Commitment

2011-01-03T12:58:00.000-05:00

Well, my last "I am back" post lasted about two weeks. Not only did I not stick too it, I slid back further. Life has a funny way of catching up to you in holiday times, and my holidays are super busy with work commitments, kids things, etc. oh, and a preposterously cold December made going outside just not an option. But, after backsliding, I am back in the saddle.

I have missed running, and even thinking about running. I miss the planning of the workouts, that extra spring in my step knowing I am going to have a good workout or a hard one. I miss reading Runners World and all the blogs I follow. But if you aren't running, reading and thinking about running are depressing, so pardon my absence.

Since it is the New Year, my goals for the Year:

1. Run New York Marathon in 2011. I have a guaranteed entry, so the hardest part is done. But to really run it, I have to lose weight, get back to training. I know I can -- after all two years ago, I started on March 17, lost 40 pounds and still ran it. I am lighter than I was then, and starting 10 weeks earlier.

2. Beat my 2009 time of 3:42 in said marathon. I used to have a super secret goal of qualifying for Boston. not this year. I just want to run, have a 3:30 something, and not get hurt. BQ is for next year when I hit age 45 and get an extra ten minutes.

3. Lift more weights. I resolve this every year and fail. But I think this will help the injury bug I have developed and also help with my weight swings.

4. Run more NYRR races. I ran 2 last year, I think. I didn't feel fit so I avoided them. but they are fun and rewards for training.

5. Remain involved. It is one way to motivate me and keep me going, thinking about running. There will be life interruptions, I know (we are moving in 2 months, for example), but running as a source of stress relief and general healthiness should not go away.

Happy New Year to you and good luck with your goals, even if they are super secret ones that you admit only to yourself.

I love Peter Saville and this is an old New Years card he created for Yoshi Yamamoto:

Back after a break

2010-11-08T16:10:00.000-05:00

I took a mini break from blogging and running. But, now that New York Marathon is gone, I can feel like I am back with all the other cool kids.

Some random thoughts:

I bought a new Garmin 410 at the NY Marathon running expo. We'll see how it works. The sales rep assured me that the touch bezel is much improved and now can get wet without going crazy. We'll see and I'll update people later.

All NY marathoners had GREAT weather. Sunny, 45 or so degrees. Yes it was windy, but less so than last year. Today, on the other hand, is 40, windy and little ice shards are coming down. It would have been a nightmare to run today.

I also bought yet another new pair of running shoes. Nike Lunar Eclipse+. I have a cheap pair of Lunar Glide and love them on the treadmill. The Lunar Eclipse has more stability for bigger runners like me, so maybe I will like them on the road. Again, a review to follow.

And to all the people who stayed the course and toed the line: Congratulations! Your efforts are inspiring and I admire you all greatly.

"Not running a marathon" blues

2010-09-23T12:23:00.000-04:00

As followers may know,I have an entry into this year's New York marathon. If you are a member of New York Road Runners and run in nine NYRR races in a calendar year and also volunteer for one race, you have a guaranteed entry for the following year. Thus, in 2009, I ran in 9 races and volunteered on one race (on what felt like the coldest morning in history) to secure my spot for November 2010.

But I won't be running on November 7. Why? Well, a combination of injuries, lack of preparation, life stress and just general ... didn't get it done, put me in a place where, realistically, training to run 26.2 in November would be difficult and probably result in an injury.

A rewind button: March 2009, I began a diet and to run again after a year or so layoff. I lost 50 pounds and ran a 3:42 in the 2009 NY Marathon (a legacy of a guaranteed entry from 2007 race season (for the 2008 marathon, which I deferred to 2009)). After running consistently, watching every single thing I ate for 8 months, I then sort of lost focus. Ok, not sort of, I took a break from the Spartan life discipline I had been maintaining. Plus, life, work, etc., all seemed to crank up to 11 right then, which, coupled with colder weather, meant I just didn't run. I didn't want to run; or, more precisely, to put the mental effort into a dedicated plan of exercise, training, etc. So, I didn't run. I ate, drank, was merry.

Ok, so about March of this year I said to myself, the fun's over and time to get ready for NY 2010. Except I felt this pain in my right foot. Maybe a stress fracture, maybe a pinched nerve, but it cost me a month or so. And then, my left foot really hurt (turns out to be an arthritic toe), but, truth be told, I could have run through it. I just didn't. And I didn't do what I promised myself I would do during my next running injury: keep up the cross training, or lift weights, or diet to get my weight back.

So I woke up in July, again overweight, and without a consistent running history since last November. I knew NY 2010 was toast. I probably could have whipped myself into some kind of shape and run in November, but I knew I was setting myself up for 2 bad results: injury and a performance worse than last year. Most likely, an injury would have knocked me out of the box, so I never would have made it to the line to turn in a disappointing performance.

And I was OK with deferring my entry to next year (2011). Really. But now we are in marathon season. I see people training in the Park and on the West Side highway. On my route in my little town, I saw someone's water bottle and Gatorade stash planted in the bushes. All of NYRR's races are geared towards the big show in November. The running clubs and groups are all focusing on long runs. My runs, on the other hand, seem kinda pointless, just building base and endurance, burning calories I accumulated since the last marathon. Blogland is full of people training, worrying, anticipating Chicago or Marine Corps or New York.

But I won't be part of it because, well, I let the guard down and fell off the bus for awhile. And that is disappointing. That discipline and drive to push forward, to hold tight, to go, to run 20 miles in the rain, etc.,...I just lost for awhile. I can blame my foot injuries, but I know that they were not that bad, and if I had (i) lifted weights with same rigor as running during that spell; and (ii) maintained a normal diet during that time, I would have been in fine shape come July 2010 when I decided to pull the plug on this year's marathon.

So, this post is meant to salute all of you on your way or have stayed the course. And to remind myself that running NY 2010, which was the product of literally years of planning (begnining in March 2009) was cratered by some bad months this spring.

And this winter, I will keep the discipline. Or at least don't backslide.

The Road Warrior

2010-09-22T11:48:00.001-04:00

Had a spectacular gym workout last night. I got on the treadmill and just felt great. heart rate was low, pace was good and all I could think was that I wish I felt this way for a race or a park run. Soon.

Last night on TV was the movie "The Road Warrior." It is simply a classic. I can still remember seeing it for the first time at the local film night at the local college when I was growing up. I was maybe 15, and this an R movie. A violent R movie. I didn't want to see it but got dragged along. All I could think afterwards, was "Wow." It was incredible in a way I had never before contemplated, a post apocalyptic Western, loaded with symbolism, myth, struggle bizarre sexual tension and symbolism. And unbelievable car chases and crashes, with one of the most frightening moments ever in a movie. The Lord Humungous speech (begins at 0:59).

When we were in college, all we had to say was "I am gravely disappointed..." in a deep gravelly voice, and everyone knew: Humungous. After I was watching it, I tried to think about how I could tie it to my running and the title "The Road Warrior." And I failed. "Just walk away..."

Tight

2010-09-16T10:32:00.002-04:00

Earlier this week, I ran outside for the first time in a while. It was a perfect fall day here -- a little crisp, sunny and not too windy. I really was not in the mood to run, but I had scheduled the run and thought I had better just do it.

I went to Central Park, which causes several logistical problems (which is maybe why I run at the gym more often). At any rate, I took off and cruised. I had planned on going 5 miles and cutting off at the 102d St. Transverse. But when I got to the cut-off, I was feeling fine and thought, OK, I'll just go all the way around, which involves going up and down the fairly steep Harlem Hill. Still felt pretty good, and ended up feeling...well, good. First time in a loooong time that I felt like, "I got this. I can do this." Not just getting through the workout, but running. Felt great, ended up 6.2 miles in 49:49, a solid pace for me right now.

And I am at peace right now with my Garmin 405. After repeatedly crashing (and making me want to smash it with a hammer), after a couple of comments, I looked into a 310XT. Nice piece of gear, but $399. Ouch. So, I looked at the Garmin forums (fora?), and realized they had released a software update to fix the bug I had been getting (it would freeze at a mile, when it tried to record a lap; thus, say, at 4.00 miles, it would just freeze and have to be reset.) I downloaded the software update and it seems to be working much better. Lesson learned -- always check for software updates at Garmin. I actually knew this because of the "timeout" issue (where it just stops if you don't punch a button, (thus "timing out) thinking it is on in error).

It is fall and the chill is in the air. Great time to run!

Modicum of Control

2010-09-13T11:20:00.001-04:00

I am a huge fan of Mad Men. The writing is outstanding and the plots are cerebral in ways that make me pause and think. Last night was one episode that I really liked.

Yesterday started with promise. Well, not really in the morning. But on Saturday morning, I was planning on running a race on Sunday morning -- a race that started about half a mile from my house. But I am still not confident in my running shape, much less my weight and my racing ability (I haven't run a race since a debacle in April), and was generally uneasy. Given it was a small, local race, I would want to do well, not just the best I could and be happy and content with it. And I knew I was not going to do as well as I thought I was going to, but on the other hand I would do poorly if I didn't go. If I didn't go to every race in which I thought I might not do as well as I hoped, well, let's just say I would not have started very many races.

And Saturday is a huge day of college football. For me, Michigan -- Notre Dame is a bigger rivalry than Michigan -- Ohio State. And Sunday night was Alabama --Penn State, another big game with lots of interest around the household. And I knew I could NOT drink if I had any hope whatsoever of running "well" come Sunday.

I was on plan -- enjoy Michigan beating ND and sipping water -- until friends came over. With guacamole and chips. And beer. Cheering against ND. I took a beer, and said...the race is gone. But that is OK, there are lots of races and live in the now. There aren't many moments to spend with friends and family enjoying the game.

Saturday night, I actually fell asleep early watching the Alabama game. Like 9 p.m. early, which is a record for me. I woke up at 8 a.m. having slept nearly eleven hours, feeling great. I considered going to the race -- it was like a 15 minute walk away and started at 9, but I had mentally already let it go and the momentum had passed. I figured I would just run in the afternoon and be happy. Except the afternoon dissolved into drizzly mist, kids soccer, etc. So, no run then either, and I felt ...disappointed.

What does all of this mean in relation to Mad Men? Well, all season Don Draper has been struggling to deal with many things, including his life, divorce, drinking, etc. And last night he tried to seize control of it. He recognized his struggle and thought he wanted to gain a "modicum of control over the way he felt." And he later described how everyone has a plan for where they want to go, and then countless choices lead people further away, until they are what they become, and, echoing Proust, ruing what they once were:

When a man walks into a room, he brings his whole life with him. He has a million reasons for being anywhere. Just ask him. If you listen, he’ll tell you how he got there. How he forgot where he was going and then he woke up. If you listen, he’ll tell you about the time he thought he was an angel and dreamt of being perfect. And then he’ll smile with wisdom, content that he realized the world isn’t perfect.

We’re flawed because we want so much more. We’re ruined because we get these things and wish for what we had.

That was my day.

Fall Begins

2010-09-09T11:34:00.000-04:00

Labor Day has come and gone, and a new season is here. School has started, and at least in new York, the weather has turned to distinctly Fall-esque. Temps in High 70s, with a chill in the air at night. The US Open is on TV, and you can see people actually cold at night. It makes me remember going to baseball games in Texas where the scoreboard would have the temperature at 95 degrees -- at 9 p.m. at night. I love Fall; always have.

Florida running is always interesting. Aside from being the brightest place on earth (or at least for me), the weather is really darn unpredictable. It seemingly rains every day at some point, the humidity and heat spontaneously combusting with the water from the Gulf of Mexico to produce an afternoon shower. Except when it comes in the morning (see below). And this year, for whatever reason, the weather was moving the exact opposite direction -- from Southeast to Northwest. So all my instincts were wrong about which way the rain was heading, the wind was blowing, etc.

That leads to my last Florida run, a planned 6.5 mile jaunt at about 11 a.m. on a partly cloudy morning. Set off at a good pace, and then, about 1 mile before my turnaround point, I felt a rain drop. I could either turn around, and cut the run at 4 miles or so, or push on and deal. I pushed on and dealt. But then, more drops, and then an out and out downpour. Not a little rain, a real shower. Yuck. I stopped to get some water at a convenience store and waited to see if it would pass. It didn't. My shirt and hat were dripping. My shoes -- waterlogged and squishy. Glasses were rain speckled but also indispensable as they kept the rain out of my eyes. And I was 3 miles from home. I got back out, figuring I didn't have all day and the rain wasn't going to pass anytime soon, and might as well deal with. And the rain slackened somewhat, but it was still raining hard. And the streets and sidewalks were now flooded. Running through giant puddles created by overwhelmed storm drains, muddy sand off the sidewalks and streets, cars splashing in said puddles. Yuck. Time to not worry about pace and just get home. A survival run. Not very much fun.

And I forgot to restart my Garmin (or the rain stopped it, which has happened before), and because it was wet, I couldn't get it restarted. I have never felt more helpless, drenched in the rain, punching buttons and trying to get my Garmin going. I just pushed on and whatever. So when I got home, my Garmin showed a 3 mile run. Thanks Garmy. I am thinking it may be time for a new Garmin. This one is 2 and a half years old, and the buttons are beginning to stick. And the bezel is more finicky than ever.

But then the next day, an easy trip back to New York... and fall. We landed and it was 73 degrees. And sunny and dry. Good to be home. Back to college football season!

Wings of a Butterfly

2010-09-01T15:23:00.000-04:00

Its amazing how unrelated events all conspire to produce an unintended result. Several nights ago, I ran at home late at night on my treadmill. The family cringes at the sight and smell of my sweaty gym clothes. They really smell chlorinated or something. Anyways, I left them, along with my shoes on the back porch. Except that night it rained. So my shoes were drenched. I pulled out the insoles, put in some newspaper and left by an air conditioning vent to dry.

We are now in Florida on vacation. I grabbed my shoes, and packed them quickly. Went for a run, and noticed, hmmm, my shoe laces seemed a little loos and tied a little longer. Went for a blistering 5 miles in the Florida sun and nearly melted. When I came home, I took off my shoes ... and no insoles. I had just run 5 miles without insoles, or even noticing that I didn't have insoles in my shoes! Somewhere along that chain of events before packing the insoles never made it back into the shoes. Well, now I was stumped. I couldn't run the rest of the week without insoles. There isn't a running store close to buy a new pair of shoes. So, I went to the closest drugstore (and there is one on every corner in Florida) and bought a pair of Dr. Scholls Sport insoles. With gel cushioning rebound also!

Today I went for a run expecting a squishy feeling. But...nothing. Felt completely normal. All is well that ends well.

Running in Florida is such a difference for me. It is hot. It is humid. It is flat. It is sandy and even windy. And most differently, it is bright. Unbelievably, eye hurting bright. I have sunglasses glued to my face 24/7 when I am here, and I still end up squinting.

But it is vacation, the last week before school starts, so very hard to complain.

On Form and Overstriding

2010-08-24T10:31:00.001-04:00

One of the the things I have learned in having a couple of running video analyses is that I am a pronounced heel striker. Very pronounced. Now, for years, I haven't thought much of it, other than that is the way I run, so that is it. But, after reading various blog posts (such as this one at Runblogger.com and JG here) Runners World this month, I have given much more thought about footstriking as a means to avoid injury. For those who aren't keeping assiduous track, over last several years I have had ITB issues, PFS, and a couple of foot injuries. I am not looking to change my form to get faster; I think I can get faster by training. No, I am interested in form as a means to reduce stress and thus reduce injury.

I am not a proponent of barefoot running and forefoot striking. I think that is just too radical of a change and one I could never fully implement. If that means I am doomed to never compete at the highest level, so be it. Instead, one thing every form guru seems to agree on is that overstriding is bad. Overstriding -- landing too far ahead of your body -- is bad form in that it translates force through the leg, ankle and knee and it causes deceleration as it brakes your forward momentum. Thus, no matter where you land on your foot overstriding is too be avoided. And overstriding is most common in heel strikers.

I run at the gym on a treadmill next to a mirror so I can see my form. It is not always pretty (nor is the sight of my sweaty torso trudging along. And I need a haircut too.) In my last several workouts, I have been trying to change my stride. Shorten it up. Land more under my body, and less reaching for it out front. I have noticed several things. First, I have to turn my feet over faster. More steps. Second, I run more straight up and down and less forward lean. Third, it is harder on my feet. I don't know if that is better or worse -- I just feel the pounding more in my feet rather than in my quads and glutes, aka, butt. That maybe because my feet have been getting a free ride at the expense of hips and glutes, but I do feel it. Oh, and as I get tired, I lapse back into longer strides.

Will any of this really change the way I run? I am not sure. I do not seem to tire as quickly, but I have no real data to support that. And I seem to be running slower, at least at first.

Does anyone have a clues or cues that they look for in avoiding overstriding? I have mainly been going by how hard I land on my feet. I sort of feel like I am starting to pull my landing leg back to land flat on my foot. I imagine the forward sweep of my leg as if it turned on a wheel or as if my knee rotates 360 degrees and my legs spun like hands on a clock. Myfeet now land now at about 6 o'clock rather than 4 or 5 o'clock. It feels different, almost like I am hopping, or running with bent knees and not stretching out.

If any anyone has similar experiences or images or thoughts, I'd love to hear them so I can watch for them.

This Is The Day

2010-08-18T11:33:00.002-04:00

Not very much exciting news on the running front -- treadmill at the gym during the week and a hill run on the weekends. Overfocus on heart rates. Not enough weight lifting. I ditched the orthotics about three weeks ago. My arthritic left toe is feeling much better, although I am reluctant to give credit to the Osteo Bio Flex supplement I started. But slowly, one run at a time, getting back to it.

I have been listening to a lot of music on the treadmill at the gym. I am really sick of my iPod right now. At any rate, last night was my daughter's 10th birthday. (Happy Birthday!). I told her -- and this true -- that on the way to the hospital on the day she born, "This Is the Day" by The The was stuck in my head. "This Is the Day/Your life will surely change..."

The The is an interesting band. I remember my sophomore year in college that my roommate had the "Soul Mining" album. It has a very disturbing/bizarre painting on the cover. And I couldn't stand the record. But later, senior year or so (1989?), I just really fell for the music and listened to the cassette so much it actually broke. The music is incredible ("Giant" has an incredible xylophone solo (at 1:27)), and even now, I still run to it. I thought The The (which is mostly one person with a rotating backup band), would become an obscure eighties band remembered by a few hard core fans.

And then "This is the Day" ends up licensed to M&M's and becomes the theme song for a bunch of singing and whistling animated M&M's. And what is even more ironic is that the song is actually kind of depressing (as is most of The The). It is about someone who wakes up and resolves that this is the day they will pull themselves out of a stupor and realize their ambition.

But, as I told my now ten year old daughter, I listened to it again yesterday, and remembered the sunny walk from our apartment to the hospital to see my new baby girl. 10 years ago.

Well... you didn't wake up this morning
Because you didn't go to bed
You were watching the whites of your eyes
Turn red
The calendar, on your wall, is ticking the days off
The calendar on your wall is ticking the days off
You've been reading some old letters
You smile and think how much you've changed
All the money in the world
Couldn't bring back those days.
You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes,
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky.

THIS IS THE DAY -- Your life will surely change.
THIS IS THE DAY -- Your life will surely change.

You could've done anything -- if you'd wanted
And all your friends and family think that you're lucky.
But the side of you they'll never see
Is when you're left alone with the memories
That hold your life together like glue

You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes,
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky.
THIS IS THE DAY -- Your life will surely change.
THIS IS THE DAY -- When things fall into place.

Short Memory

2010-08-16T11:04:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a pretty good day. It started off with a run over my hill course -- the one I fared so poorly on last weekend. Sunday, though, I felt strong, and, for the first time in months, I felt like I was running -- not surviving the run. That is a good feeling. I also ran without my heart rate monitor for the first time in ages. I had misplaced the heart strap, so I just didn't have it. It was liberating running without seeing that feedback -- just judging effort on perceived exertion and not on what Garmin is telling me. I will do more of it in the future. But, of course, now that I am done, I wish I had the hear rate data to analyze. Maybe I should run once with the heart monitor on, but not have the data display while I run. That way, when I get home I can have the data and see how hard I worked, and even compare that to my perception of how hard I was working, and not worry about it when I run.

Later in the day on Sunday, it didn't goes as well. It rained, some plans fell apart and didn't exactly lead a healthy lifestyle at dinner (splurged on dessert). One thing when I am on a fitness kick; I stick to the plan. I do not deviate, even a little. So, I feel bad about getting even a little off track. This morning, that guilt, etc., brought to mind a quote from Emerson:

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)

So, today is a new day, a new week. Begin again.

Breakfast of Champions

2010-08-11T10:49:00.000-04:00

When I was growing up, I hated breakfast. I rarely ate it, and really didn't like any breakfast foods. Cereal, no thanks. Eggs, to this day, make me gag and sick to my stomach. In high school, I ended up eating biscuits and bacon each morning. As I got to college, I didn't eat breakfast. In law school, however, I settled upon what I called the "Breakfast of Champions" -- two Diet Cokes and two chocolate Pop Tarts. Looking back on it, I realize why I liked it -- two big jolts of caffeine and sugar.

This came to mind today when I was walking to work. On 42d Street, close to Times Square, Kelloggs has opened, I kid you not "Pop Tart World." I had to go inside and look. There were Pop tart t shirts, a machine where you could make custom boxes of pop tarts. A pop tart cafe with everything pop tart, like pop tart sushi. As they said in Spinal Tap, there is a fine line between clever and stupid, and I am still scratching my head as to where this falls.

So that brings to mind a question: what do people eat before morning runs? My current breakfast is...a high protein energy bar. But that doesn't work before a workout. I have experimented and stick with wheat toast and almond butter. Maybe a banana. But I always feel it sloshing around when I run. And coffee? Well, I know the caffeine is a stimulant that undeniably helps performance. But coffee has a certain side effect that I really, really try to avoid when I am on the trail. Enough said about that.

Anyone have any particular favorites or tips?

Update on Back in the Saddle Plan

2010-08-05T10:03:00.001-04:00

Well, after my resolution of July 12 or so, I ran for about a week and ended up not getting back into it. A trip to drop off Daughter at camp, a weekend at the beach, a couple of work obligations and VOOOM, "NY Wolve's Get Fit Summer 2010!" was off. I really struggle with motivation sometimes, and, well, I just couldn't sustain it.

Ironically, though, the plan is back on. I have more or less decided NY Marathon is out for this year. I will defer until next year. And that decision has allowed me to take a longer view about weight loss and getting back into shape. No more gun to my head to be ready to run 26.2 on November 7. Instead, I can diet, build a base, work on form and not over doing it and take the long view. Yes, it will be difficult not to be there on November 7. But sometimes, discretion is the better part of valor.

One thing that really, really made me miss running and want to be back in shape was returning to Asheville, NC. My daughter goes to camp outside of Asheville, and we have gone down there the last three years for drop off. Asheville is a beautiful town, and a really funky vibe also; sort of like Austin, TX. At any rate last year, I was in good shape and training for the NY marathon. I ran 18.4 miles at a 8:28 pace. (I wrote more about Asheville and my run here.) Returning to Asheville, I could no more have run 18 miles than jump over the moon. And I missed that feeling. I missed that feeling of "Hey, I could really do something here. I can run these hills." I missed the feeling of confidence and accomplishment that I had last year.

So all of that means...back on track for Austin 2011. First goal, for next 3 months is lose weight and build up the base. I can make to go/no-go decision on Austin in October after a couple of months are under my belt. But I feel good about it. It gives me time and a longer horizon to view things.

By the way, Running Times had an excellent piece on why people fixate on marathons. I strongly recommend it, and many of the things the author said -- positive and negative -- could not be more true in my case. A marathon mentally captures you, both with excitement and dread, and has a tendency to become a preoccupation through which all other decisions -- workout, eating, sleeping, etc., are viewed. I can't find a link to it, but heartily recommend it for anyone contemplating running a marathon.

In closing my on again/off again training is not unusual for me. Nor are my crazy weight swings unusual (unhealthy yes, unusual, no). But this time, this time, I am going to make it work. I can feel it.

Back in the Real World

2010-07-12T15:03:00.000-04:00

Aspen is a beautiful place. Like Shangri La really. It was even prettier this last week because the weather here in NYC was so crazy. It was over 100 degrees in New York, but in Aspen it was sunny, breezy and high of 77 or so. Just delightful. And the view, the town, everything about Aspen makes it a magical place to vacation.

Aspen is also a very difficult place to run. It sits at about 8000 feet above sea level, so the oxygen is much lighter up there. I get winded much quicker, and the recovery time is harder. While I was there I ran three times, each on the same route, about 5 miles. I have run this route for the last several years, and this is the hardest year I can remember. Maybe because I am older, or maybe the recent experience singes my muscles more, but it was hard. I also discovered that I had a little tummy bug, and that made one of the particularly bad workouts seem down right viscous. i was struggling to get it done, trying to hold pace, and then completely exhausted after it was done. Completely. But the next day I was actually ill (I caught it from the two year old. Imagine that -- being on vacation in wilderness paradise and having to deal with a sick two year old for five days.)

So, here are my Colorado takeaways:

1. I am in no shape to run the NYC Marathon in 4 months. I suppose I could get through it, but it would not be a particularly inspired effort, and I don't want to run it and not be able to really kick. I haven't thrown in the towel yet, but no longer counting on it. Given my recent injuries and increased recovery I can't just say "Oh what the heck, I'll do it" and push through. That will be a recipe for disaster. Or, more likely, another injury.

2. I am not getting any younger. The mountains amplify the effects of age, from increased heart rates, to recovery times, to dehydration. I felt in more this year in just recovery: a hard workout took much longer to recover from, and in a bad way too. I was more sore, more tired and more wiped out after my runs this year then I can remember. (And more hung over too.) perhaps the lingering sickness had something to do with this also, but, sheesh, it was hard this year. To duplicate my 10 mile run last year would have been truly a Herculean feat.

3. I have joined the world of Orthotics. After my recent diagnosis of toe arthritis, the podiatrist mentioned orthotics. While I was there, I visited a sports orthotic maker, and was outfitted with semi-custom orthotics. he actually measured my toe flexion and said my toe arthritis really wasn't that bad (yeah me!). But I have way way too tight ankles and Achilles tendons (boo). Anyway for $125 he created a set of orthotics for me, and suggested I wear them in my trail shoes, which I did. They feel much different, but I really can't say what effect if any they had on my running. My feet were not the problem -- my lack of breathe was. We'll see how the orthotics make me feel.

4. If I don't run New York, I will run a winter marathon. Maybe Austin. (February 20, 2001). I love Austin, it is in the winter, so there is enough time to train. But I need a goal, something to focus on, to train for. I think it is part of my mental discipline -- the goal and the target creates the focus and the discipline. I read an interesting article about Pete Sampras, and I identify with what he says about focus. Well, At least I took something away from what said about the need for focus to create discipline and provide the drive, whereas entropy will creep into the void.

5. I have resolved to add swim workouts this summer. I used to swim on a swim team in junior high school, so I know how to swim. But nowadays, it seems so hard. I remember after my knee surgery in law school, I decided to go to the pool and swim. I set a goal of 25 laps. Ha, ha, ha. I was winded after about 3, and gave up after 5. So, I know it is a good workout. And it is a complete non weight bearing, non stress inducing workout, which makes it better. I tend to cycle through periods where I workout; stop; workout; stop, etc. This time I am going to try to swim some to throw some non-impact workouts into the mix.

6. I love the Tour de France. And, in Colorado, it comes on at 7 AM, so I could watch nearly the whole stage before the day really began. I saw a heart rate reading from one of the lead riders in the peloton, at 173. I was blown away. That is really high for someone to just be chugging along. I hit 173 all the time, but that is because I really pushing and really out of shape. For a world class athlete, in an endurance event, I thought, no way can he keep it up. And he didn't he paced for a bit and then cracked. But still, 173. I'll reserve my thoughts on Lance for later, but it is certainly less interesting now that he is out of contention.

For all you Colorado runners out there, I tip my hat to you. You get to run in a beautiful place, but it sure is challenging!

MystoMan

2010-06-30T10:56:00.000-04:00

By my senior year of college, I had kind of outgrown the fraternity thing. I had my friends and we all hung out, but not much at the fraternity house. So, when we went to the house, all of the other guys would give me grief, saying things like "Whoa! Who is that? Mysto Man! Where have YOU been?" And that made it uncomfortable to go back to the house so that over time, I didn't want to go to the house to avoid everyone asking where I had been and why I didn't come by the house anymore. So, maybe I have avoided my blog because I haven't been here for awhile.

So, where have I been? Well after my last post and recovering from a maybe stress fracture in my right foot, I had a series of mishaps and set backs, primarily injury related. In May I ran a fun run with my 9 year old daughter and friends. After we got spread out I turned around to look for them, running backwards. I promptly stepped into a pothole, and went heels over head, landing on my head and elbow. I sprained my ankle, severely bruised my elbow, and had to get checked out for a potential concussion. All is fine on that front. But my left foot starting hurting. Namely, the base of my left big toe. I have always had some toe pain there, and it does not go away with rest or inactivity. But this toe pain got much worse over last several weeks. After putting it off, but being unable to run with it, I went to a podiatrist. The verdict: Stage Three hallux limitus. In essence, arthritis of the toe joint. This is rather worrisome in that it is chronic pain, and will NEVER go away. I have dealt with it for years, but it has gotten worse lately. I am not sure exactly what to do about it, actually. My podiatrist is developing an orthotic to limit toe flexion, but still, there is no cure for it.

So, I have run about 5 times in the last 3 months, none of which were memorable except for how hard they felt and just how far from OK I felt. My plans for the NY Marathon this fall are really, really unsure now. I might defer for a year. If I can get a good July and August in, I can make the call then. But I also need to drop some pounds now (I have been eating during this layoff), so I will need to train and diet, which is hard to do. And avoid injury to boot.

Later this week we leave for Colorado for 10 days. It is always good to get out there and be outside as much as possible. Running out there is a total bear because of the altitude, so it is a hard place to start a health kick, but I simply have to do it. It is also difficult because last year when I was out there over July 4th,I was in great shape. I had just lost 45 pounds, run a 1:39 half marathon and felt and looked great. This year is the polar opposite. In fact, it is why I have avoided my blogs and everyone else's also; sort of guilt at not being in the club, but almost the exact opposite: unhealthy and injured. And that is why I didn't post; my medical travails (and lack of motivation) were depressing enough to live through, but to blog about them would have been a real downer.

But one thing I have realized lately is that I am not getting any younger. These injuries, while annoying are not life threatening and just part of leading an active life. And as the saying goes "Get busy living or get busy dying."

I have missed reading about everyone's struggles and triumphs, and getting feedback also. But I am back now, hopefully for a while.

Why I Run

2010-05-18T09:53:00.002-04:00

I have hesitated to post why I run because it seems personal and uniquely my story. But I take heart from others' stories, so here is mine.

Growing up in Texas, I was not much of an athlete, if I am honest with myself. I was the youngest kid in my grade because of a move, and even so, I was physically just not very big. I wasn't small, but just as everyone got older, I was average height and a little pudgy. And slow, too. I remember that growing up as a little, little kid (5 yrs old?), I had a foot that turned in. At night, I wore a brace on my hip and foot. As I grew up, that brace became a distant memory (I honestly forgot all about it until I started running), and I played sports like every other kid. I played football (every kid in Texas seemingly plays football), but my football career abruptly ended at high school Junior Varsity. Same with basketball, ended with high school JV. Not surprisingly, in a large public high school with 600 kids in a graduating class, there was no place for a 5'8" forward with a vertical leap of about 6 inches. Or, a lineman with that build. I was literally getting run over by bigger, faster, stronger kids.

But I could always run distance, even though I was always one of the last finishers in wind sprints. Summers in Texas are hot, and, as a kid, to "train" for football season, I would run a loop around my neighborhood. It wasn't much (2 miles), but I ran that loop alot. I never ran cross country; the thought never crossed my mind really. I didn't have the build for it, and no one ever once suggested it.

A true story: in 9th grade, my freshman year, when I was still in junior high school (9th grade was with 7th and 8th grades in junior high, not in high school), a high school track meet required a freshman cross country team. The new "freshman" team needed 5 runners. So, they went to the football team and had everyone run a 2 mile race. I finished second and just missed first place. The cross country coach lined up the top finishers. Except for me, the top finishers were all running backs and wide receivers -- lanky, skinny kids, and known to be the "athletes" of our class. The coach said "I don't know how the hell you finished second, Wolve, and I am going to take 1st, 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th. Here are your jerseys." I was disappointed, but not really surprised -- I guess I didn't expect the coach to pick me.

In high school, I was comfortable that my athletic career was over; I had other interests and physically, I just couldn't compete. School was going great, high school was high school; I just wasn't a football player. My Dad was a football player at a major Division I program in his collegiate days. My brother was 6'5" and captain of the basketball team. I was on the debate team. I also knew that most of my high school classmates wouldn't be football or basketball players in a couple of years, so it really did not bother me that much that my career ended in 10th grade as opposed to 12th. And I didn't think of myself as a runner, either, because, well, I wasn't.

In senior year of high school and college, I grew and shed the baby fat. I ended topping out at about 6'2" and lanky thin (165 or so). On my good days, I could dunk a small basketball, and actually became a pretty decent hoops player. All those years as an undersized player developed scrappiness that served me well once I grew and became above-average height. (As an aside, it is very disconcerting to go to my high school reunions and now realize I am taller than nearly everyone I graduated with, even the star football players. My self perception as "undersized" remains.) I ran some in college, but not really; between beers, I basically played pickup basketball every day at my fraternity house.

And then, law school and the big injury. First, I went from college in sunny Texas to law school in frigid Michigan. In Michigan, you can't play basketball outside every day. And, I actually had to study. But, I continued to play basketball sporadically. Then, four months into my first year of law school, in a pickup game of basketball in a gym, I went to steal the ball. My right knee buckled and popped. I could walk, and thought I had just sprained a knee. Nope. I had torn three (out of four) knee ligaments, the ACL (anterior cruciate ligament), PCL (posterior cruciate ligament), and MCL (medial collateral ligament). I had also torn the meniscus, the cartilage between the leg bones. Spring Break of my first year of law school was spent in the operating room, where I had three hours of reconstructive knee surgery. I was on crutches for six months. I still have two screws in both my tibia and femur bones holding a piece of patella tendon in place as a knee ligament.

In my second and third years of law school (when the studying goes down and spare time goes way up), I started to run some. Not much, really, but it was easier on my knee than basketball and didn't require a team. But really, I didn't run that much, and was more of a weight management tool than a hobby. (I can still remember when the real runner in our law school class ran 12 miles! 12 miles! That was further than I could ever imagine.) It did come as a stress relief to me though, and I can remember during law school how many times I ran when life got complicated and I needed to clear my head. My knee was basically healed, and life went on.

After moving to New York, I started to work in an office, I ran at the gym to "workout." I also lived close to the finish line of the NY Marathon, and after seeing the end of the race, in person, I thought... someday, I will....But I also knew it would be harder as I got older. And kids, job and life all got in the way, as that personal goal receded into the past.

I should also say my weight goes up and down, and has since my high school days. I have gained and lost more than thirty pounds probably 10 times in the last 20 years. It goes up and down. Well, it doesn't just go "up and down" like the sun rises and sets each day, I let it go up and and make it come down. And running is inextricably tied with both -- when I don't run, I eat poorly and gain weight; when I run, particularly with a goal in mind, I lose weight.

About five years ago, as a New Year's resolution, I announced I was going to run the NY Marathon in under four hours. My wife said that she found that to be "laughable". I suppose she was right. I had never run a road race in my life. In fact, I had never timed a run before. I was 40 pounds overweight and had not run a mile in probably 3 years. And I really did not workout those years, either. And while I had never committed to run the NY marathon, I had said many times before that I was going to lose weight, get in shape, etc., and never did. So, she was probably right, even though she regrets saying that ans since then has been very supportive of all things running.

I bought Hal Higdon's basic marathoning book and concluded it was not going to be so simple or as easy as I thought. First, I lost weight. And, while dieting, began to run some. Then after months of dieting and light running, I started training. When I started timing myself, I found that, remarkably, I could still run distance pretty well and sort of fast. And that I enjoyed it. I found it mind clearing. And also, it is one thing for ME. Not for work, not for the kids, not for anything, but me. And that running gives me a tremendous amount of self satisfaction. I remember that my first 20 mile run was in the rain. My wife thought I was insane, getting up at 6 am (which I NEVER do) and running 20 miles in the rain. But I did, and that self satisfaction is hard to describe. That is what brings me back. That feeling of... I did that. And I felt good, and strong and that feeling is the product of work and years of sacrifice and dedication. I may have personal and professional successes and failures, but none of that matters when I put my shoes on and hit the road.

I have never won a race, or even placed in the top 10 or 25. In many ways, I don't even race, so much as just run. I admire those with the consistency, dedication and commitment to train to win, but for me it is not the end goal. For me it is to find that inner athlete, the inner self, to push myself physically and to challenge myself. "The obstacle is the path."

Since that beginning several years ago, my running has gone in spurts, but mostly "on" as opposed to "off." The "off" times really set me back; I add weight and just lose touch with the fit person inside. It is a struggle. Some struggle to get fast. Some struggle to stay healthy. I struggle to stay committed and dedicated in the face of work, life and family. In many ways, it is why I started this blog -- to keep myself honest and remind the athlete inside of past success, and in the dark moments of my struggle to remember.

In closing then, I want to say to the people who read my rambling thoughts and notes, thank you. I am flattered by your interest and words. And I enjoy hearing about your triumphs and struggles to draw on inspiration for my own.

"We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us."
— Marcel Proust