Challenging Caregiver Issues

Why do I.......??

2012-04-30T11:16:00.000-07:00

Larry has an infectious laugh. His eyes will sparkle with joy at the simple things that give him pleasure.

He loves his tractors and toys. His toys are various farm trucks, tractor trailer replicas and small animals that are usually acquainted with farm life. His tractors are a revered favorite and he wants everyone he sees.

It is especially hard for him to understand that when we go 'junk shopping' (just looking really) why we won't pay $45 or $50 for a broken metal tractor. He doesn't understand that the price does not always justify the toy.

Larry believes in Santa. I think he knows on some level who Santa is but it isn't a coherent thought. So on the surface, he talks about what he might get from Santa and like any child, has an 'I want' list that doesn't quit. Christmas is always a good time to get better behaviors since he doesn't want to end up on the naughty list. As soon as Christmas is over though, look out!

He is my husband's brother as I have said. I love my husband dearly and when you marry, you marry a family. Larry is family. You do what you can for family except when it causes you harm in any way.

Larry knows better on most things but was not taught on many things what he could have learned. I have to remind myself that he acts or does things a certain way because that is all he knows. At least, that is what he grew up with and in the past several years has had to learn a different way because this is what society or common decency dictates.

It's hard to remember that this 6' man is a child of the heart and mind. There are times though that I see the world through his eyes. I remember the innocence of learning or seeing things the first time all over again.

I saw many things through my children's eyes, now I can see them again, and differently, through Larry.

I love my husband and I love Larry. I could no more abandon him than I could my own children. The rest of his family doesn't even call to see how he is doing. Sad, really. He is taken care of therefore he is out of mind. They don't know him and don't know what to do for him. They don't know what medicines he takes or what they are for. The one who suffers is Larry. He has abandonment issues and it's no wonder.

Larry is family. No matter what he is family. So, I vent in the only way I can right now. Through this blog. I don't expect anyone to read it nor do I think anyone would even want to. It is meant to give me an outlet. To voice the frustrations and relieve stresses and maybe, work through things and see a solution. This happens often in the written word. You can't see a solution or work through to an answer until you put it in writing. Then a light comes on and you can see what needs to be done or not done.

So, for now, Larry and I will continue to work through our (his) problems and occasionally, I will get to see his laughter and enjoyment of life.

Venting

2012-04-28T16:01:00.001-07:00

It has been a busy few weeks. We were in Wisconsin to help one of the kids with new house renovations and Larry was with us.
It was the same as it is at home just different geography. I walk on egg shells a lot to try to keep Larry from getting upset. It doesn't help.
I am the target for his anger, frustration and any other emotion that he can't deal with. He will ignore me, yell at me, curse at me and any other anger generated emotion you can think of.
When he curses he really doesn't know the meaning of what he says. The foulest of language is issued from his lips from gutter speak to taking the name of Jesus and God in vain. That is one of his favorites since it is the most forbidden. From all his teachings as a child to me.
Don't get me wrong, I can curse with the best of them but those are 2 things I won't say. He knows this so he says it to push the right buttons.
Trying to talk to someone who is calling you the vilest of names (do not think of whore and those types, think of c--ksuckers, etc. That type of name calling. S.O.B. would be polite then.
I know he is a child mentally but he knows what he says is not to be said. He knows right from wrong. At the same time, he will steal in a heartbeat. Not just from us but others. We watch everything he brings in carefully.
I don't know what he does at work. I do know that he has someone making him sandwiches, I wish they wouldn't but how do I approach that without getting someone fired????
It is hard. It's hard to cope with this every day and it's hard to have a marriage that for all intents and purposes cannot show affection except in private, cannot have the simplest touch because Larry thinks he can do that to. Then I face his anger because I tell him that isn't allowed. I tell him he can't touch my thigh or anything else when he tries. I try to give him hugs when he is upset and he tries to cop a feel. He knows he isn't supposed to but he tries anyway.
I am just about at the end of my rope. I don't know where to turn or how to help this man anymore. Any suggestions on what to do would be appreciated but I also know that they aren't forthcoming.

Larry and Some Background

2012-04-07T06:20:00.001-07:00

I am going to provide some background and reasoning for this blog. Please bear with me since I am not a writer nor do I profess to be. I am a caregiver!

Caregiver. The very word brings out the imagination of the reader. To give care. What kind of care depends on the type of individual being cared for. Disabled in some type of capacity whether mental or physical or both.

As a child, my parents were foster parents. First in Montana and then in Michigan. In Michigan, they adopted my brother Peter. He was a beautiful baby with severe Down's Syndrome. He passed away at 7 1/2 months old.

My parents specialized in children that had special needs in both States. Whether the needs were physical, mental or from abuse they came to our house at all hours of the night sometimes.

We had kids that were more like infants that some of the infants that came through. Being the oldest most of the time or at least the one without special needs, meant that Mom depended on me to help. She taught me so much. She taught me that we need to be on a level of understanding that makes the challenged child or adult, feel accepted and important. Mom taught me so much except what to do when my frustration and nerves are at their limit. What do you do when you realize that you need an outlet of your own and don't have it?

I thought about a starting a blog for a long time and just couldn't come to an answer about what it should be about. The 'ah-ha' moment was early this morning culminating from a sleepless night and ongoing issues with Larry, my brother-in-law.

Larry was born with decreased mental capacities. It runs in the family on one side for some reason. There was a request years ago to study the high instance of diminished mental function within the family unit but as a whole, it was turned down.

So Larry is one of 6 children. Three have some type of mental disabilities. Larry is the worst. He did not receive special education as a child and the school system just gave passing grades and let him graduate. He could have been on about a 3rd grade level had he had special education but is at or below 4 or 5 year old level. I do not blame his parents for the lack of special education. They came from the old school where you take care of your own. He wasn't prepared for life. Period.

To talk to Larry, you would think he was ok. A little slow maybe but not on the level that he is. He has learned coping mechanisms that have helped him to hide his disabilities. It was 6 months before I knew he couldn't read. He is dyslexic and there isn't a way to help him with that now.

His biggest issues are that he has no concept of time passing therefore, the pain of the passing of his parents stays fresh. He doesn't have coping skills for daily issues and social skills are limited. He never learned to drive and has multiple obsessive compulsive issues. For most of his life, he had his way and now the spoiled part of him rebels against anything he doesn't want to do. We are not talking normal rebellion here, we are talking uncontrollable anger, extreme cursing and manipulation of his surroundings.

So, this is my outlet. I don't know how it will do. I don't know that anyone will ever read it. If they do, I hope that it helps with your situation. I hope that maybe a dialog will open up and the tears, frustration and yes, resentment, can be dealt with in a healthy way. By the way, the resentment is not at the person but the disability. How dare this happen to someone in my family! How dare this tie me to something I don't understand, can't imagine and feel at a loss to help sometimes!

I don't know if I will post once a day, once a week or MANY times a day. For awhile I will say that it will probably be the latter. If you read this, thank you. If you want to tell me about your situation, I will be glad to listen.