Crotchety Old Man Yells At Cars

things I would have written about if not depressed

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 02:03:00 +0000

It really pissed me off every time on 11-11-11 and the tv people said it would be 100 years until it comes again. Isn't that the same with every date?

Still no action on the dating front.

Talked to a friend the other day who said I should have put cameras in. My real life is more bizzare than what I write about.

I'm not your typical, one-legged, old fat guy.

By the way, bought a Bumble. Who needs a Christmas tree?

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I did it!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 03:43:00 +0000

Yep, I did it. Put an ad on Craigslist

Here it is

I'm a bankrupt disabled, cranky, old stud muffin.

Wanted

Single woman with substantial income and savings.

Prefer heiress

No f'ing children or grandchildren

If children or grandchildren must be willing to kill them by second date.

I've gotten no responses. :(

Anyone know how I could make it more desireable?

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Feeling kinda bored

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 03:10:00 +0000

I decided to visit Craigslist. Maybe I could find a friend.

Don't want a girlfriend, but somebody to accpmpany me to dinner and stuff.

Ho;y crap!!!

I saw ads that I was sorta embarassed to see. Didn't know people were willing to do that to strangers.

Don't know what half the letters meant.

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Step by step

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 01:35:00 +0000

Turns out
Mrs C stole over 50,000 and a car to give to the Succubus and the Con
Man (her 2 Hellspawn.)

The police are investigating, tomorrow I'll report to DMV, and on Thursday I have an appointment with the lawyer

Sorry not around but I have been diagnosed with ptsd, and not in the mood to do anything.

I really need to sue those scum.

The Succubus tells people I killed her Mother.

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Comeback kid

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 18:18:00 +0000

I'm starting my comeback.

Filed criminal charges, and getting lawyered up.

Suggestion of the day:

Don't screw with a Sicilian

I must be feeling better. I did an entire post about my situation without dropping the f bomb.

Thanks for everyone's kind words.

And NO typos.

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Highwaymen

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 11:28:00 +0000

For the sake of this post, that is the nicest way I can use to descibe Mrs. C's kids.

Just so you know, I need to write this to help dispel some of my anger. My priest and social worker told me so. Some of it is funny some sad, and some nauseating. Read at your own risk. I'm using actual real first names so there is a disclaimer of sorts.

Disclaimer- If anyone reads this and wants to sue because I attacked your integrity or moral character:
1. I have a better lawyer than you
2. I can prove in court that you have the morals and character of a 3 card Monte dealer
3. Kiss my chunky white ass.

Cast of characters:
Me
Mrs. c. (Fran) The love of my life for the last 19 years. She was beautiful, kind, loving, and had many friends who loved her dearly.
Tony, her son. Looking at his actions, I guess he loved her, in a way. Sorta. Kinda. Maybe.
Cath, her daughter. Despite giving her expensive gifts and cash over the years, she had utter disdain for me. The only reason I can guess is that I was in the way of her using her Mom for free babysitting more often. Not that she ever invited Fran to her house to visit more than a couple times a year. It was a babysitting gig or nothing.

The kids _both around 40 now came to help with snow shoveling or yard work once in 17 years,

Great kids.

We were not married. No I'm not secretly Gene Simmons of KISS, Just some religious reasons.

Ok, so here's how my week went.

Monday, around 8 at night, Fran laid back at the kitchen table. I called to her, and got no response. As quickly as I could, I got in my wheelchair and went to her. When I noticed she wasn't breathing, I called 911. They came and, well, she was gone.

I called her family and told them what happened and told them the EMS took her to the hospitl. There she was pronounced.

Looking back, I was in so much pain, I let the man I treated as a son for so many years in my house when I should have told him no.

He immediately began looking for her life insurance papers!

When he couldn't find them he said he would come back tomorrow. Again, I'm in shock so I agreed.

Well, I live in a two bedroom mobile home. And Fran was a bit of a hoarder. Sorta controlled. She was under so much stress from the past 16 months that I was in the hospital, with facing death a few times, and her Mom in a nursing home getting calls about her dying every other month, well she must have cracked.

She started filling both rooms with empty boxes and other crap. So far we have removed 50 bags, and god knows how many armloads of boxes.

Wednesday was the day Tony and Cath were going to come and start to cleanup the mess their beloved mother left and to see if there was anything of hers they wanted.

Again I'm still in a state of deep mourning so I stupidly agreed.

They show up with 4 more people, Tony's wife (a really nice and decent lady-the only decent person in the horde) Cath, her daughter (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.'nuf said) Fran's sister, who slithered in the back door along with someone I never met, and still haven't and the grand daughter Tony and his wife said hi, and she gave me a hug. Cath and her daughter, didn't say anything, just glared. They all left the same way, without a word. The only thing I said was "Please ask before you take anything, as not everything in the bedroom was hers." Who knew with her crazy behavior over the past 2 years what was now stored in that room? And to not go in the other room as everything in that room was either mine or the Spawn's.

My daughter, my sister and a friend of mine tried to make sure they were doing the few things I requested. They didn't. Cath went into Spawn's room. Spawn told her to get out. She replied it's not your room. Spawn said it was. Unfortunately, Spawn told me after the horde left.

And Spawn noticed Tony knocking quarters out of a 50 states map and pocketing the quarters. Question his character? Heavens no.

Trying to get my life back a bit, I found my checkbooks. The 40,000 dollar balance is now 900 bucks.
I found my last credit card statement. When I left it was 0. Now it is over 20,000,

Turns out Cath and daughter greedily accepted 4000 in cash, and god knows how much in prizes. I got sick after seeing a credit card bill for a 180 dollar pair of boots, and a 150 dollar collectible doll. Tony and family pocketed a cool 6000 bucks. All this from mom's Social Security, as she collected 1000 per month, along with her medical bills of 800 per month leaving her a cool 200.

All this in the 16 month period in which I was hospitalized.

THE FUNERAL

Believe it or not, this is the funny part.
There was no viewing because Fran didn't want one. There was no memorial because they are money hungry. There was a funeral, because those are free.

The funeral was scheduled on a day when I have dialysis, and could not get to the Mass on time. I cut my time short so I could make it, albeit a few minutes late.
The family sat in the front with tears because their ATM, umm I meant mother died.

I had my family, a social worker, and friends there to support and restrain me. They did a pretty good job.I yelled out hypocrite when the teary eyed daughter did a bible reading. I patiently waited for God to smite her. He did not. Damn.

Finally, I lost it. When they proceeded out of the church, I respectfully waited until Fran passed then I started in on these lowlife jerks. When I saw Cath pass I yelled out "What, did you poke yourself in the eye? The tears were phony.

Then I got in the center aisle and said "I'm the guy who loved and supported this women for almost 20 years and this family scum won't recognize me."

Immediately some old hag said she knew the family for 47 years. I said "I feel sorry for you."
She said, "what did Fran see in you?"
In a friendly manner I said "shut the fuck up." She said "You should be glad we're in church." With a final fuck you to her , I rolled away. She told her fellow bitchasaurus that she would slap me if she wasn't in a church. Spawn overheard and said "That's my dad you are talking about and no one better even think about trying to slap him. You have to get through me to get to him."

When leaving, I saw Cath's daughter, walking along and totally ignoring me. I yelled "Tell your mother I hope she dies and takes you with her."

Yeah it was mean, but it was heartfelt.

When the Spawn got into her car, a car with some old hags(we're assuming Cath's friends)pulled up behind her and started yelling and giving her the finger telling Spawn, "I hope you fucking die." Spawn(always ready to protect her dad) quickly jumped out of the car and said, "What the fuck did you say bitch?" The car then sped off. When they were a far enough distance away they then gave her the finger again. Cowards.

I still have to get copies of the death certificates I need, and the reading of the will. I need to get lawyered up.

The end.

Father Kerrigan was right.

I feel better.

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Thank you

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 15:35:00 +0000

Truly I would like everyone for all your kind words. They meant a lot.

The funeral istomorrpw.

Thought for the day:

Step children and in-laws

Can't live with them, can't leave them in a bloody bullet-ridden pile.

JFTR

Mrs. C was pronounced dead late Monday and her family showed up late that night to go through her stuff. I won't trouble you with details but it got much worse after that. Hence the thought.

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Yesteday

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 11:24:00 +0000

was the worst day of my life.

The beautiful Mrs.C passed away.

She was my every.thing

\
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...

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 11:22:00 +0000

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Earthquake!!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 18:33:00 +0000

I feel the earth move under my feet......This no time for 70's tunes.

Run for your lives!!!!!!

It's the big one. NJ is sliding into the Atlantic!!!!

Oh wait. Nothing happened.

My bed shook a little.

But TV news is going crazy.

They have been reporting for an hour that nothing happened. They have all stated that there was a little shaking--that's it.

By the way, next time as you think about your tax dollars at work, think about this: Senator Frank Lautenburg from NJ will collect a six figure pension, get free medical care, Social Security, and other benefits.

He is worth 55 million dollars.

Good to see our elected officials take such good care of themselves.

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Living on the Edge

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 19:15:00 +0000

In the news they stated that those who watch a lot of TV are as at risk for early, sudden death as smokers and couch potatoes.

I watch about 84 hours a week (is that a lot?) so I may not make it to the end of this post.

So far, so good. My fringers are crossed, which makes it really hard to type.

Every day, craziness surrounds us.

Tidbit in the local paper, "Jewish singles group to meet for lunch at Cheezeburger in Paradise."

Uhhhm, aren't cheeseburgers not Kosher?

I'm not Jewish, nor am I single, but I can laugh at it.

Is Justin Bieber the anti-Christ?

Discuss.

Mrs. C has been in a, shall we say, mood, lately.

Nope, I didn't do a thing to cause it.

Yeah, ok, I do tend to poke the bear occasionally.

It gets boring around here.

Stumpy still hasn't healed. When he does, he'll go to the hospital with me for a few weeks. We have to learn to walk again. It's been over 2 years.

Bye for now.

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WTF

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 00:23:00 +0000

There is a movement to have Bert and Ernie get married.

Really?

Bert and Ernie aren't gay and uhm....they're muppets'

Oy.

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Another Problem Solved

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 23:57:00 +0000

Ok, you know how those stupid flying carp are taking over some rivers in America? They destroy The native species and are a general PITA.

Ok, the government appropiates $10 mil (about what the military spends on those little plastic things on bootlace ends) to put a bounty on these fish, maybe a couple bucks each. Got to catch them with a net, not a drag seine, which would do too much damage to the ecosystem.

Take the fish to the cat food factory. Give it to them free.

So cat food drops in price. ranny with her 19 cats can get cheaper food, so naybe once a month or so, she orders a pizza.

So we provide employment, help the restuarnt industry, and hekp pizza delivery dudes.

Win-win-win.

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What a week

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 20:59:00 +0000

My cather failed at dialysis, so went in to the hospital on Friday for replacement. Took 4 hours due to 3 and 45minutes of waiting. Then had to go back when it started bleeding when Mrs C brought me home. Back to hospital. All told we spent a bit over 8 hours.

Shark week is finally over. I'm afraid to even go near a kiddy blow up pool, cause it may have a small shark.

Here's a thought. Why not kill all the sharks? Yeah sure, Chinese people won't be able to eat shark fin soup. Hell, they eat enough weird crap, so too bad.

Ok, then the fish population will get too big. Our fish supplies are too low, anyway.

What about too many seals? Ship the seals to Alaska to feed the polar bears, which are starving and living on Coke and beer nuts. and kids from Connecticut.

So it's win-win-win.

Either that or we fit bears with scuba gear to fight the sharks.

Again win-win-win.

Today, watched the talking heads on PBS and they conclude we should spend our way out of the recession.

Great idea, everyone strart spending double your income. That should help.

Yeah, it sounds crazy, but they are on tv.

Solving the world problems 1 at a time.

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Decisions, Decisions

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 16:31:00 +0000

Regular readers know that I'm in end stage kidney failure and on dialysis. Basically my kidneys are ornamental. So last week a nurse at dialysis suggested that I go on the waiting list for a transplant. I"ve given it a lot of thought and made a of the good and bad to decide. Maybe youse can read my list and help me. Even think of other reasons. if you can.

Bad....................................Good

Dead guy parts in my body.............;Write my name in the snow again

Another major operation................Nurses

Much more bathroom time..........,..,.,No dialysis

Lot of pain.......................... Really, really good drugs

Hospital food........................Nurse and drugs woohoo !!(seond mention of both
......................................mention of both)

No big screen TV and 180 channels.....Won't have to listen to Mrs. C"s soaps

See youse in a couple days.

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SUMMERTIME, SUMMERTIME, SUM, SUM,SUMMERTIME

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 21:19:00 +0000

Holy crap was it hot this weekend!!!!

108and heat index of 115 on Friday, 102 with an index of 110 on Saturday.

Today it's only in the mid 90's. You know, sweater weather.

And naturally I fell when getting in the car yesterday. So I lay in the driveway of the restaurant until some dude named Rick picked me up.

Amazing how hot asphalt gets as I do a turtle impression on it.

I've been busy lately. Remember a week ago when the wife cut off a guy's... uhhmmm... naughty bits and put them in the garbage disposal?

Well I have been removing the garbage disposal and dulling all our knives. Can't be too careful.

Take care. Talk to youse soon, unless my underwear melts.

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Weird nj

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 00:39:00 +0000

It's a magazine, it's a book. Heck, it's a franchise.

And what is so weird about NJ?

Lots, but here's some weird/stupid stuff in my town.

Went by a store selling "drinking water". Would anyone be willing to buy another kind?

They are next door to a liquor store named, and I'm not making this up, "WINOLAND."

TV has been advertising its fall lineup since June. They should spend more time writing good shows, instead of all those moronic "reality" shows.

Oy vey

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 11:29:00 +0000

This really annoys me.

I fool around with language sometimes, but I know it.

But when a major news outlet anchor uses incorrect language, well, it is just so stupid it is irritating.

Last week, they were discussing a mom killing her kid. The anchor referred to it as matricide.

How stupid can they be?

I often hear among young people the word coversating Oy!!! Conversing, please.

And I've even seen teachers write the non-word alot. A lot, Teach.

I gotta go. Conversate among yourselves 'til I get back.

Namaste to youse

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The one degree battle

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 00:40:00 +0000

Nope, it's not like 44 40 or fight. ((Putting my History degree to use.)

And nothing to do with Kevin Bacon.

The Mrs and I have an ongoing battle over theair conditioner.

She sets it 1 degree lower when I leave, and I raise it 1 when she leaves. Neither of us will speak of this.

Some 95 year olod lady had her diaper searched at the airport because security found a hard object in her diaper. Ewwwwwwwwws.

Remind me to never work in airport security.

My "Be a Swami in 30 EZ lessons" is going well.

Namaste and Ohhhmmm to all of youse.

Now that Weiner is gone

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 15:03:00 +0000

where will the media get their inane stories to cover. Guess it's only a short time 'til another politician finds himself with his pants down, so to speak.

Had to pass on all jobs for a while. In about a month I need to go in the hospital
for prosthetic training, and in the meantime I need to get pre-training.

But today, while watching my Saturday Indian programming (Namaste America) I saw a commercial for a Swami.

First thought

Swami Crotchety

I could do everything he did, except remove black magic.

The Google must have ways to learn that.So coming soon

The Crotchety Swami.

Type to youse soon.
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Weiner-gate the saga that never ends

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 22:13:00 +0000

New photos were released today where he flashes his guns. (snicker)

I had bigger guns when I was 12.

And still, in interviews with some New Yorkers, they still support him. "It's his personal business."

People over 80 shouldn't be allowedn to vote without an IQ test.

Now that I think of it, under 80 should have one,too.

Did you know in NJ, retarded people can vote. I used to work in Social Services so they pick up the folks and cart them to the polls.

Most of them can't tell the difference among a cartoon, a documentary, and the news. Nice to kinow who is determining our future.

When I get my leg later this month, I'll put blue pinstripes on it.

Love my Yankees.

The fun raiser didn't go so well last weekend.

A lost slightly inebriated guy showed up, which seems to be my core of supporters.

My new campaign chest totals @12.35 and a button. I should probably auction the button on ebay. It's really nice.

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Creepy edition

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 21:21:00 +0000

Did you see the Jell-o pudding "Pudding Face " ad?

I think they stopped the campaign already because they were, weel, uh... creepy.

Apparently, pudding leaves one with pudding face, which looks like Jack Nicholsons portayal of the Joker in the movie Batman.

Who thought this was a good idea?

Talking about creepy, doesn't Weinergate get creepier every day?

Damn crazy New Yorkers still support him.

Next, he will get treatment, and come back crying that he was ill, and ask forgiveness, and soldier on.

Oy, what a ....ummm.... err....weiner.

Here's an example of your tax dollars at waste. I meant work.

In the next month or so, I'll be fitted with my orthotic leg returning me to more or less a contributing member of society.

I have to spend a few weeks in the hospital for this, because Medicare will pay for that, but not a visit to rehab, which would be a fraction of the cost.

Knuckleheads.

Stay cool.

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Damn! It's hot!!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 22:08:00 +0000

But the research and development at Crotchety Old Man Enterprises and Discount House of Worship have been hard at word solving the problem.

First, we developed a pants fan.

The wimmins model gave the testers an...ummm....well let's say a sorta Brazilian.

The mens?

My lawyers have advised me not to talk about it.

So our nezt phase of development (hey, Edison didn't make a working lightbulb on his first try) was a pants air conditioner. It is nearly completed, but the engineers can't decide if it should be powered by 2 car batteries with a handy yet handsome carrying case, or a really long cord.

I will get back to you once it is perfected and passes UL testing.

A campaign update.

I rolled around the neighborhood and solicited donations. I collected $11.16 and a button.

We have scheduled a fund raiser luncheon at Wendy's.

It's $5 a plate for Nuggets (spicy or regular) and choice of beverage.

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Weinergate

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 15:24:00 +0000

The biggest news around here (New York news outlet) is Weinergate. Congressman Anthony Weiner was accused of sending pictures of his, umm, err naughty bits aka (snicker) weiner to various wimmen on his Twitter account. For a week or so, he sadi his account s hacked. Of course, late yesterday, he admitted he did it all himself. He went on TV, and after the mandatory crying session, he asked for forgiveness and said he would not resign.

How magnaminous of him.

Today it was revealed that he had phone sex with a porn star, possibly while he was on government time, using government equipment. It gets interestinger and interestinger. Is there any public servant who can have some self-control?

Not Ahnold, Not those crazy international bankers, and not the Weiner man.

I know I've been MIA for a few weeks. It would be great to say that I was abducted by an alien all female biker gang, who made me do unspeakable things, but that would mean I'm lying, and there is would be a tear-filled apology in my near future.

So, a quick explanation is:

I suck.

And now, my lame, but true excuse.

When I was in the hospital, followed by many months of rehab, I was diagnosed with depression. So, the doctor prescribed happy pills. While my hope was for myself becoming a grinng, drooling, idiot. Not nearly achieved, sadly.

So they doubled the dosage and were still far short of my goal.

After a couple months of therapy I was able to do what I pass for normalcy.

Well, the last few weeks I fell into what could be called a funk.

So, I owe you an extra- sized blog post. Not saying it will be good, but it will be long.

At this time I would like to announce my candidacy for President.

I'd hope my running mate would be

Richard Simmons

My entire platform hasn't been drawn up yet, but for starters:

No left turns. They cause accidents and traffic jams.
No politions with funny names.
No white before Labor Day. Or is it after Labor Day?

Either way it's a start. If you have more include them in the comments, as my candidacy is a work in progress.

My campaign slogan is "Vote for Crotchety. He needs a job."

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In case the world ends today

noreply@blogger.com (Da Old Man) — Sat, 21 May 2011 11:55:00 +0000

Thought I'd share some random thoughts, though if it does end, this blog will be as useful as always. That is, print it out and line a bird cage.

Useful tip number one (in case there is a Monday) Always buy used textbooks. They have been read, so you don't have to. A big timesaver for a student.

In case the Apocalypse produces Zombies, one of the best weapons is a shotgun. A baseball bat also works well.

Never trust a Zombie that wants to be your friend. For more Zombie related tips watch Shawn of the Dead or any Zombie related instructional videos.

Never believe anyone who says the way they cook liver, it's delicious. Liver is always nasty, even if it is covered with whipped cream.

Arugala is over rated.

After the Apocalypse, giant cockroaches will rule the earth. I saw it in a 70's Godzilla documentary.

Shouldn't Queen Elizabeth step down already? Give Charles a chance to be Queen, if only for today.

If a terrorist became a Zombie, would he blow up other Zombies? That would be a good thing, right?

See you next week, unless we are all fighting Zombies and demons.

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