Fire Drill

Splash Bang Boom Fail

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 22:00:00 +0000

So anything that catches on fire with a whoosh probably isn't good for you, right? That being the assumption, the Dear Husband bought me an ugly metal tubish thing to light the charcoal for the BBQ without using lighter fluid. You wad up the paper underneath, dump the charcoal in, light one bit of paper and you get whoosh with no chemicals. Hooray!

Today I thawed 12 steaks, shoved the paper into the metal thingie and couldn't find a lighter or match anywhere in the house. But I'm an intelligent adult. I could figure a work-around. I found a candle and that was just as far as my imagination went. So I called in the oldest son, a college boy who'd been camping and was outdoorsy. By god, I'd get some use from all those education dollars.

If you hold a candle over the stove the wax gets drippy. Sigh. But he finally lit paper on the smoking burner and then I HAD FLAME on the candle! I rushed down the stairs and opened the back door. I thought the wind had blown out the candle. "CRAP!" I screamed like the educamated grown-up I am.

The college son came running with a restaurant-sized metal mixing bowl. NO, WE DON"T KNOW WHY. So I stuck the candle under the bowl and we trecked through the yard to the metal thingie and the paper. Two waves of the candle and the paper was lit. WE WERE SAVED! Except for the part where I'd forgotten to put the charcoal on top of the paper.

Son saved the day practically flying with the charcoal while I rolled on the grass and laughed. He yelled FAIL a lot and I laughed more. Some days I amaze even myself.

What the Flock is a HIGH CONCEPT PITCH?

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 21:26:00 +0000

So you’ve been reading the blogs on how to write a query letter. You can do this, right? I could do it too until I tripped over the term High Concept Pitch. Suddenly I saw it everywhere I looked. I was totally freaked out! I mean, I though High Concept meant that my story had to have this huge, underlying message or theme like the LITERATURE that was required reading in High School. I thought I’d hit the pot hole in my writer’s road, the one that would blow my tires and strip out my transmission. I’m a genre kind of girl. No way do I write “high” anything.
Umm…no. Not so much.
High Concept means that what you write will ring a bell with the majority of readers- like zombies or vampires. Sometimes it means what you write is what you avoid saying at parties- a subject that will stir the pot and get people mad. Either way, when you have a HIGH CONCEPT PITCH, all the people understand with no effort.
Guess what this means? It’s easy. Don’t make it hard guys. In ten words or less, in one sentence or phrase, what is your story about?
Romeo and Juliette with werewolves and vampires?
Twilight, right?
No extra embellishments, no tap dance with fifty characters and a supporting cast and crew. Just. Your. Story. Simple, simple, simple.
Now for the bad news; not every story is high concept. If a main character is on a JOURNEY and has all this mental baggage to work through while he eats ice cream every Sunday for fifty years- umm not high concept. If your rambunctious little old lady finds a complicated murder plan in her crochet pattern book and you need to know how to crochet to understand- then probably not.
High concept is LOUD it doesn’t simper or whisper.
Sometimes people use famous books or movies to describe their high concept. Make sure they’re famous with everyone and don’t use 2 movies to describe your high concept. I mean, really. What on Earth is *Gone with the Wind meets Rent*? Seriously?
Keep your examples up to date and huge. You can’t use just any movie or book. Be evocative with your words and use what is popular and easy to understand for the majority. Then, ask people who haven’t read your book what mind-picture they get with your pitch.
If they say, “HUH?” it needs work.
You’re painting a word picture that a gerjillion people can understand. First, let’s look at a few proper names. Harry Potter, Chuck Norris, Barack Obama, and Gandalf all bring up completely different pictures in my head. Mother Mary, Scarlett O’Hara, Betty Boop, and Hillary Clinton aren’t exactly the same either. Each is a name bigger than life. Each paints a different mind-picture.
Some books and movies paint pictures the same way. Die Hard, Lord of the Rings, Jaws, and Pretty Woman. You see what I mean? All of these are iconic. All of them paint pictures. Almost everyone reading these names and titles gets basically the same picture. Of course you didn’t write a book about Betty Boop. But, if your main character is a dippy flapper in the 1920’s, Betty Boop not only says what she is but when she is. My grandmother knows Betty Boop and my eleven-year-old knows Betty Boop.
We spend years learning to make our books different. But for a high concept pitch, you need to generalize and to do it in a way everyone can understand.

Happy Birthday #Amwriting!

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 13:55:00 +0000

You're al invited to my almost finished Writer Clubhouse for cake!

The next party stop is HERE

Ten Secret Strategies for Mothers Who Write: # 4 - Can’t get help with the kids?

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 16:49:00 +0000

I know, I know. You want to write. The kids are home all day, every day. The dear husband trots off to work or you both trot off to work in the morning. Why is it that every evening our children turn into your children? On the weekend you’re lucky if your husband or parents take one child out of the house, even so, they’ll take the oldest one. How can you possibly squeeze writing into the day?
If you’re a stay-at-home mom, one of the reasons you stay at home is because you trust no one else with your children, right? If you’re a working mom, you’ve already given 75% of your take-home pay to the baby-sitter and she doesn’t work evenings and week-ends. Ladies, call in the troops.
Your husband doesn’t always back you up, he can’t. (It’s the whole Y chromosome/ testosterone poisoning thing. We talked about that on secret number three.) There are other people in the world, people who you might not trust to take your child to Disneyland, but could trust in the next room. Neighbor kids, teens with way too much eyeliner, your mother-in-law, call them.
Play Let’s Make A Deal with another mom at the pre-school. Find a Mother’s day out in the neighborhood and volunteer a day to get a day to yourself. Bribe your husband with PIE. Bribe your tween with Mp3 downloads. Of course don’t lie, cheat, or steal---but everything up to that point is fair.
Bribe, flatter, trade, barter, pay, pray, and eat your mother-in-law’s bad meatloaf. Do what you need to do to get time to think clearly enough to write. Bring in the troops and lock yourself in the next room. Let someone else get the drinks of water and keep the kids from killing each other. The house won’t get better, but it won’t be worse either.
I can live with that.

Ten Secret Strategies for Mothers Who Write: #3 Don’t you see I’m writing?

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 14:14:00 +0000

Your fingers fly so fast they’re a blur. Words form poetic scenes and snappy dialogue. You are in the zone until your husband asks, “Where’s the baloney?”

You give him a glacial stare, one that could freeze parts off a brass husband. “DON’T YOU SEE I’M WRITING?”
Erm, no. He didn’t. He really didn’t. He has Y chromosome poisoning but this is also a good thing. He doesn’t see your messy hair, runny nose, or the size on the tag in your jeans.

Ladies, your children don’t see you either. You are the mom. The trick is to have a visual prompt that screams I’m writing. It doesn’t matter what it is, but you need to pick something and use it consistently. I wear a hat, a cupcake hat. It says Hostess and Hostess makes cupcakes. Since I never wear a hat, even in the winter, this draws my family’s attention. I don’t wear my hat reading blogs or when I’m on twitter or facebook. It is my writing hat.
If you’re a technically savvy person you could hook up a bright red LED you turn on while writing. Sit in a chair in the corner and put a giant sign over it; WRITING CHAIR. Sit there every time you’re writing. Wear a red clown nose, wear your son’s football pads. Do anything that stands out in your family’s eyes.
It doesn’t matter if you look silly. Extreme works!
A lit candle signal worked at my house but as soon as I left, the kids played in the melted wax and it took forever to get off the desk. So choose wisely. A visual signal also makes giving the kids work when they interrupt you more fair--- they have no excuse not to know you’re writing.

Ten Secret Strategies for Mothers Who Write: #2 Constant Interruptions?

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 17:11:00 +0000

Your children love you, need you, and won’t let you talk on the phone, more less write a novel. Sometimes you need to write when they’re awake. You get them settled at homework and start writing. Three sentences into a scene you’ve been dying to write all day, “Mo-ooom, he’s looking at me.” Or “Mooo-om, where are my shoes?” or Mooo-om, do you remember what you dream at night?”

I don’t know about you ladies but when I’m writing, interruptions are like ice down my back or cold water thrown in my face. It’s like when you’re sound asleep and the dog jumps on your stomach. Shock, fear, and then anger! Why won’t they let you write? It costs them nothing; you’re not asking them to help. But they KEEP INTERRUPTING! It can make you want to rip your hair out.

This is about control. They want to control you. They do not want you to have anything to distract you from what they want. Want, not need. You’ve taken care of their needs. They are fed, bathed, and not naked. (Did I mention the not naked is important?)

Yelling does no good and makes you feel like the mom from the black lagoon. Begging doesn’t help. Bribes, promises- you’ve tried them all, haven’t you? Well, here’s a new one and you don’t have to yell or beg.

Give them work. Every single time they interrupt, give them a chore. Yes the babies, too. All it takes is a little planning and a list of jobs. Before you sit down to write, get a cloth and a bucket with water for the little ones. Have a list of chores for the bigger kids ready to go--- so as not to take up too much writing time.

“Mooo-om, I want candy.”

“I’m writing. You can’t have candy but you can wash this wall for me.”

“Mooo-om, where are my shoes?”

“I’m writing. It isn’t my day to watch them but as soon as you find your shoes, put them on your feet, go in the kitchen, and do a load of dishes.”

“Mooo-om, do you remember what you dream at night?”

“I’m writing and why yes, I do. I’ll tell you all about it as soon as you wash two loads of clothes, dry them, hang them up, and put them away.”

They will learn that interrupting writing time means work. Hard work. I haven’t met a kid yet who wants to do chores. If your child does love to do chores, I’ll watch them for you while you write.

Ten Secret Strategies for Mothers Who Write: #1 No Time?

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 17:57:00 +0000

When friends find out I have finished manuscripts they’re always surprised and ask, “However do you do it with six children?”

My answer is usually, “How is that relevant?” But I’ve been thinking about the tricks I employ and realized that over the few years I’ve been writing, I have come up some standard and a few totally weird things I use to find writing time. Maybe they’ll help you a little.

The number one complaint from most mothers is that they have no time to write. Bull hockey! You don’t know how your time is spent and until you do know, you’ll never finish and revise your manuscript. Below is a simplified schedule of when I couldn’t find time to write.

6:00 AM Wake, clothe, and feed children. Look for shoes, look for coffee, head out the door, go back in and find permission slip, notice that the youngest isn’t wearing socks, go back in, find socks, drive to school, go back for oldest who never got in the car, find his shoes, try to remember to count to six next time, get back in the car. Finally drive to school.
8:30 AM Drive home, turn back around and go to Starbucks, get coffee, go to grocery store to get bread and milk, run into another mom from the school, complain about how you never have any time and then come home.
11:00 AM Throw in some laundry, drink coffee, and call Mom or sister and do dishes. Not naked is good. Coffee is good.
12:30 PM Make some lunch, eat, go on Twitter, check E-mail, check what day it is, realize the kids have no lunch, run to McDonalds, take lunches to schools, decide the day is a lost cause, watch the news, call friend and moan about the government, watch Tivoed soap because you deserve a little time. See if soap star is on Twitter. See that a follower has lost five pounds. Go to their blog to see how they did it. Resolve to walk every day. Hang up laundry.
3:00 PM Get in the car, pick up first batch of kids, go to the grocery store for dinner food, pick up second batch, get in the house and realize the milk was in the car all day and is now cottage cheese. Go back to the store and send in the oldest kid, Wait for forty-five minutes and go in the store yourself. Look for oldest and find them wandering in the ice cream section trying to remember why you sent them in the store.
5:00 PM Cook dinner, yell about homework, grab one child and head to soccer/baseball/tap dance/Karate. Talk to other moms about Glee.
8:00 PM Send kids for baths. Wave at your husband who doesn’t see you because the game is on. Chase kids to bed. Get on Twitter. Chase kids to bed again. Do the dishes from dinner.
10:00 PM Open Manuscript and stare. Get on Twitter and ask the hive mind who was president in 1962. Play Scrabble on Facebook while you wait for the answer because Scrabble is words and words are writing. Write 6 words in your manuscript. Get water for youngest and check under the bed for monsters. Google the president question.
11:00 PM Spend quality time with husband watching the Discovery channel and count it as research because you might actually need to know about weird restaurants or 18th century plagues.
12:00 AM Make coffee. Get on Twitter and tell them you are writing. Open manuscript, and write nine words. Research agents for next year when you think the manuscript will be finished.
3:00 AM Fall in the bed.

An entire day is gone, you wrote fifteen words, but no one is dead, naked, or starving. Not bad.
Not good either.
2 hours on the phone, 4 hours on the internet, 2 hours were watching television, 3 hours talking to friends. Math isn’t my strong suit but 11 hours should produce more than 15 words shouldn’t it? What is important here? DO YOU WANT TO WRITE OR NOT? What can you give up?
Secret number one is to budget your time. You can’t find time to write if you don’t know where the time goes. Keep track of your day and then make a schedule and stick to it. If a task isn’t finished, LEAVE IT AND MOVE ON. Do not let the mundane suck up your life. If you do, what are you teaching your children?

Seven Stages of Query Grief - Stage 6: Depression

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 16:14:00 +0000

Querying is hard work, not just for the time you spend on it, but the emotional investment. Every time you hit send, you're giving someone a chance to break your heart. Sure, they might say yes, but usually they say no, and it gets depressing after the hundredth time.

You've gone through the other stages -- disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger -- and they're still rejecting the manuscript you spent years on. "This doesn't meet our needs," and, "We're not confident we could sell this." In your inbox. Every day. And what if--

What if those are just nice ways of saying you're not good enough? What if they're right?

Ouch.

Maybe you've sent out a hundred query letters, rewriting the sucker every ten or twenty or so, and no one requests. No one. What are you expected to assume from that? That your idea stinks and you can't write a query letter to save your life? And what about if you write brilliant query letters (everyone says so!) and get requests for partials and fulls...and they still reject you? Thirty full manuscripts later, you still don't have an agent. They say nice things like, "You show a lot of talent," and, "I enjoyed this, but..." and even worse, "I absolutely loved this but it won't sell."

Ow ow ow.

It's easy to get depressed, to lose heart and give up. And how the heck are you supposed to deal with rejection after rejection? Ben and Jerry's only helps until the scale starts rejecting you. After a while, you think it might be better to stop sending queries. Or stop writing all together, because clearly no one is going to fall in love with your story. Oooor, maybe you'll just write in secret and one day after you're dead, someone will discover your files and finally see what a brilliant writer you were.

Wait! Stop there! Depression is like a black hole. It just sucks you in further and further and it's darned hard to climb out. (Faulty simile, I know. Black holes trap you forever and stretch you into infinity when you're caught in their gravity, and time is distorted and... Actually, maybe this isn't such a faulty simile after all.) Okay, stop while you still can. Climb yourself out of that faulty black hole simile and step back. Try not to look too hard at your manuscript as you tuck it into a trunk for a while.

If you've been doing your job as a writer, you've been working on a new manuscript. A better manuscript. Because most writers don't find success with their first manuscript anyway. (And we don't like the ones who do. Upstarts!)

Here's what you do: Take a break from querying. Give yourself six months or so to finish and revise your new manuscript until your eyes fall out, write a query (rewrite the query a hundred times), and then take it easy with your search. Get the Ben and Jerry's ready. (Find a treadmill.) This time, you'll be prepared.

I can't promise it's going to be easier or hurt less, but you're not the only one going through this stage of query grief.

This, too, shall pass.

Jodi Meadows is twenty-six years old and married to an unsuspecting printing press operator. Together they keep ferrets and a Kippy and strange hours.

By day, the Warlord writes books and reads her friends’ stories, all while drinking coffee and chatting with said friends. By night, she fights crime.

She used to live in Texas where she worked as a waitress and rode her horse, Ivan. Now she resides in Virginia where the state doesn’t shut down for snow.

She finds that very odd.

You can follow her on twitter here, see her website here, and read her blog about slush here.

Seven Stages of Query Grief - Stage 5: Anger

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 14:51:00 +0000

I am so furious. My. Query. Has. Been. Rejected.

Gah! Who do these people think they are? These editors and agents are playing God, yet refuse to see the true beauty and sheer poetry I wrote. I practically put more effort into crafting that query than I did the book itself! It is a work of art. It is craftsmanship. If it was a painting, it would be hanging in the Louvre.

This is high school all over again. The pretty and popular editors and agents picking on the geeky writer. “You can't join our clique, you're not cool enough.” Really, people, grow up! It's called inclusion. Look it up, if you're not too busy with your martini lunches. Snobby lushes. You rip my heart out and stomp on it and then laugh in my face with your form rejection letter. A form letter! And you couldn't even bother to put my name on it. Dear Sir or Madam is not gonna cut it. The audacity of it all! I wish you a thousand paper cuts from your form rejection letters. And acne. Oh, and a dodge ball to your crotch. Let's see how you like it.

I've heard it many times before, but I don't care if bestselling authors got rejected numerous times before they were finally published. This is me and my book we're talking about. I doubt Shakespeare ever had to deal with sort of crap. Limey bastard had it good. What is it going to take, because I am not dressing up in tights and a poofy shirt, wearing a starched lace collar and elf shoes! Although, maybe I should. I'll take a picture and send it to those who deny my art to the world and show them physically the man behind the masterpiece they rejected. Or, look really stupid trying.

To think that I spent all that time working on crafting the perfect attention-getting query, only to have a big, fat no slapped across my face. I'm so mad I could spit!

Hack-pew.

Mrow.

Well, that's what you get for being in the way, cat. I truly feel as though I could kick a puppy and not feel bad about doing it. If I only had a puppy. Wait, where's that cat?

Gods, I wish I could just beat these naysayers into a bloody pulp with my fists and then shove their rejection letter down their throats and have them choke on it! I pour my heart and soul into my work, taking every spare second I have to write, sometimes stealing time away from others, to accomplish this labor of love, only to be told it's not good enough? I'm not good enough?

Well, screw them! Righteous bullies, toying with my hopes and dreams. They're the ones who are going to be sorry. We'll see how they like it when I burn their letter and send the ashes back to them. This time, though, I am not going to enclose a SASE.

RJ Dennis is an award winning writer. You can follow him on twitter here, and visit his website here. He's also on youtube here.

Seven Stages of Query Grief - Stage 4: Guilt

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 17:54:00 +0000

The paper was worn and faded. Tear stains blurred the letters in places. It had been read and folded carefully. I set it aside, yet again, vowing I would never send it. How could I? I knew it would only bring more pain.
Then, in a moment of weakness, or hope, I opened it again. How could I make it less painful? What if—What if what? What if I’m the one?

How many delusionals with a dream thought that?

“Hello, my name is Cleopatra and I have a story to tell.”
That would be great, but I’m not Cleopatra. I can’t even figure out where to use a comma correctly, so I just sprinkle them like confetti, hoping some would fall in the right places. Of course, if I was Cleopatra, they probably wouldn’t care if I bathed in commas and donkey milk.

How many such letters had they received today? Fifty? Eighty? Three hundred? How could I add to that burden?
Evil Editor looked at it and didn’t barf. At least not in front of me. He and his evil minions helped me make it better. The Gnomies helped me even more. I studied the Miss Snark archives until I was banned for wearing out the site.

What more can I do?

Not send it. That’s what I can do.

Then I did what has always worked in the past when I need more courage, less inhibitions and no guilt. I mixed up a pitcher of lemonade and everclear, also known as Texas lemonade. After the first sip, I was 5’3” and mildly sedated. One glass later, I was ten-foot tall and bullet proof. I filled out an application to join the navy SEALS.

I took the letter out again and read it. It took a while since I was reading two of them at once. It looked like two, anyway. Yep, that is the perfect query letter to go with the perfect manuscript.
By the third glass, I was dancing naked in the kitchen to Shout. That’s what the agents would be doing when they read it the perfect query from the perfect client.

Where’s my top twenty list? Oh, yeah, there they are. Twenty? What the heck. Why not give everyone a chance at glory…and me? Seventy-nine submissions later, I passed out.
The problem with Texas lemonade guilt proofer, is it’s temporary. When you do come to your senses, three things cross your mind. A Mack truck, judging from your headache. Why are you naked? Worst of all, what did you do when you were feeling courageous and totally guilt free?

Since I woke in the vicinity of the laptop, it was probably Twitter related. No problem. Everyone will just think I was tired.

Oh, please. By all that is holy tell me I didn’t query seventy-nine agents last night.

I moved the icepack on my head to read the first query.

Dear Maasster,

Did I really query Don Maass and call him Maasster?
I poured the rest of 190-proof guilt ender down the drain.

There are worse things than guilt.

Julie Weathers is a feisty cowgirl from Texas, author of Paladin's Pride (not the dirty one), Dragon Valley, Dancing Horses, and assorted short stories including Martha and Tilley (those ARE the dirty ones). She was a staff writer for the award-winning Speedhorse Racing Report, raised 3 fabulous men, and now seeks to amuse the planet with her delightful wit and heart wrenching story telling. You can follow her on twitter here, view her website here, and read her blog here.

Seven Stages of Query Grief - Stage 3: Bargaining

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 19:37:00 +0000

Entering the query process is this weird mix of striking out into the wilderness of professionalism in your writing and, at the same time, opening yourself up to the horrific wiles of artistic masochism.

It is, in short, HARD.

Not too far into the process, the would-be-author starts to mourn over lost dreams of being one of those Inspirational Author Stories™ where the writer finds her perfect dream agent on the first try, and with a tear in her eye and the wind blowing through her hair, whispers, “Yes. Yes, I will be agented by you!”
(cue: film credits and orchestrated emotionalism)When it doesn’t quite go that way?
(cue: ominous music and fear-inducing darkness)

It is from that black, wretched underbelly of Query Grief that one stage creeps out from the blurred shadows of absolute desperation and madness…

BARGAINING.

(cue: creepy, mindless giggles)

* READ IT! REEEEEEAD IT!! I KNOW YOU WANT TO!!!
(aka, I’ll Attach My MS, So Agents Can’t Help But Read It!)

Yeah… they really, really can.

BUT I SUCK AT WRITING QUERIES!! – I know. We all believe that our manuscripts are too brilliantly complex to be distilled down to a few paragraphs. We also never thought that writing the copy on the back of a book would be hard—until we tried it on our own work and came up lacking. But often, your query letter is your ONLY tool to reach a potential agent.

So, in the immortal words of RuPaul: You. Better. WORK!

Her masterfully succinct point is that there are a lot of options for query improvement (writer forums, agent blogs). Don’t try to shirk the system. Work it out.

BUT IF THEY’D JUST READ IT… – I know that too. We all think that anyone who reads our full will fall instantly in love and clamor for our love and affection. But attaching unrequested work is counterproductive—it’s going to get you a form rejection without even being read. Agents just can’t be bothered to consider writers who can’t be bothered to follow instructions.

BUT HE DID IT!! – I hate this one most of all. When I read accounts from published authors about how they just decided to craft a query package the way they wanted and ignore submission guidelines… AND IT’S GOOD THEY DID, because they fell through the cracks and found their agent that way. This is such an exception. And counting on this to help you is a stupid, wasteful game.

* “WE WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER!!”
(aka, To Know Me Is To Love Me!)

I’ve actually seen quite a few writers who craft pseudo query letters, all in jest of course, that detail all the ways in which the writer will work hard and avoid committing the Client Crimes that some agents whine about on their blogs. They think that if The Agents just knew how easy and fun they would be to work with, The Agents would sign them, work unseen!

Um… no. The BOOK is the thing, my loves. Book first, loving you for you… distant second.

* “I WILL SIGN MY NAME IN BLOOD!”
(aka, Granting Exclusives Tricks the Agent to Act!)

Actually, all granting an exclusive does is limit the writer, making their query journey that much longer. The only time the word EXCLUSIVE should filter through the writer's brain is if an agent requests it directly. And by directly, I mean in either their submission guidelines or in a personal email to you... not "I've heard that this agent likes exclusives." And even then, you should think long and hard before granting such a request, as has been noted by the ever-brilliant Agent Sharkess Supreme, Janet Reid. This is just not good business. In the month(s) you give an agent to read your material, you could have 30+ agents reading your material, thus upping your chances of finding the one who will love you mostest.

There's a cliché here about eggs and baskets, but really, no one should be subjected to cliché, um… ever.

* Ooo! THE SHINY!!
(aka, Gifts & Glitter Will Curry Favor!)

Yeah… don’t be this guy. You know, the guy who sends food, glitter, love letters, a sweater knitted from the shedded hair of your dogs (TRUE STORY!), and/or a deed to your first born child in order to force the agent’s affections.

As to food gifts, if you would eat baked goods sent to you in the mail by a complete stranger, then you had terrible parents, and should really be in therapy for your mommy issues and not at all concerned with publishing a book in the first place. That, or you’d best have a direct line to poison control. Whichever.

And always remember what Demetri Martin says, “Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.” True. That.

Using crazy fonts, SPESHAL stationary (either real or virtual), gifts, money, or blood… none of these will help you get an agent. And really, if they did, would you want that kind of agent to represent you in public?!?

Suffice it to say that no amount of bargaining or bribing will make an agent fall in love with a book. And if they don’t love your book, you don’t want them as your agent.

Thankfully, the bargaining stage lasts only a little while, and can usually be cured by a full night’s sleep, a full request from a previously requested partial, or a not-so-gentle smack upside the head by your favorite critique partner.

Author Heather W Petty is repped by Eleanor Jackson. View her blog here, follow her on twitter here, or friend her on facebook here.

Seven Stages of Query Grief - Stage 1: Disbelief

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 02:58:00 +0000

Dearest Agent,

Thank you so for your prompt response to my query—my goodness, but 16.25 hours is fast! If this is an example of your work ethic, we'll be perfect for each other.
I just want, however, to point out one small thing: You seem to have confused my novel, Savage Chastity, for someone else's work. I know your in-box must be overwhelmingly full (because you are, after all, you.) Based on your comments, I am sure if you go back and re-read my query, you will realize your mistake.

We all have bad days, which is why I don't take offense when you write that heroine's drive to put on a Broadway show is "trite." You meant to say "universal," didn't you? And by "convoluted plot" I think you're trying to express your admiration for how well I address the vagaries of the human condition—right?

I'll tell you what. Let's just forget this whole little mix-up ever happened. I'll delete your rejection on my end, and you can delete that old query on yours so that the two of us can start over.

I'm overnighting you a bottle of Crown® (Notice, by the way, how I use the registered trademark symbol? I'm very detail-oriented, as you'll see when we are working together more closely).
I'll resend the query tomorrow afternoon—say around 4:45? I suggest you spend the tomorrow clearing your in-box, tossing those stupid hard-copy submissions into the trash (what kind of idiot uses paper any more anyway?) and have a drink.

Don’t worry! I included the shot glass.

Clearly we both need a few more hours' distance, and that's all right. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and sometimes even the healthiest partners need space. I, you will be happy to learn, will use that time to work on the prequel to the Savage trilogy: Rigid Fluidity.

You might want to schedule an appointment with Dr. Garstein. He's a therapist in the building next to yours, 3rd floor, Suite G. No need to thank me: It only took me 45 minutes to Google® him (though you might want to check that suite number--it's harder to see my screen, what with the new cracks in the computer monitor. I haven't pulled the keyboard out yet because I'm afraid the whole thing will collapse).

Forgive me if I seem impatient. It's just that I've spent thousands of hours on Savage Chastity and her sister works. I've told everyone I know that I'm writing a novel and they all ask "When will I get a copy?" I've badgered my cousin's husband (the assistant to the deputy sheriff) with forensics questions, and the high school biology teacher has taught me everything she knows about time travel. My research into the intimate scenes has been, well, second-hand, because I've spent so much time writing this book.

Knowing what I've invested in Savage Chastity, therefore, I realize you can't possibly have meant to reject her so quickly. But I'm forgiving and generous (did I mention it's real Crown Royal®, not some cheap knock-off?) and I'm willing to wait.
Enjoy your drink. Take some time for yourself. Because once you realize what you hold in your hand, you'll be in for a wild ride. This fictional novel, I promise you, will sell itself.

Love (if I may be so bold),
Keri

Keri Stevens - Leap... and love will catch you.
She can be found on twitter here and you can read her blog Leap! here.

Seven Stages of Query Grief - Stage 2: Denial

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 19:40:00 +0000

Denial
It’s Not Me, It’s You.

Denial is a funny word. Every time I hear it, I think about an ex-boyfriend who always used to say, “De-Nile ain’t just a river in Egypt, babycakes.”

(That babycakes thing is why we broke up, by the way.)

It’s blissful to be in denial. You don’t really have to worry so much, because it just isn’t your fault. This is probably my favorite stage of the querying process—my book is awesome, my query letter is fabulous—and all those agents out there are drinking crazy juice for not begging to read my full manuscript.

It’s kind of beautiful really. At this stage in the game, we’re all destined to be New York Times Best Selling Authors. The big name agents are still on our list, and we’re absolutely sure that not only will they want to read our book and tell all their friends about it… they’re going to fast track it for publication—and we’ll be able to give copies to all our friends as Christmas Gifts!

The funny thing is, a lot of writers get stuck in this stage. They get form letter rejection after form letter rejection and don’t do anything about it.

I think it’s probably all those self esteem building workshops and classes people go to nowadays. They are absolutely sure their work is greatness, and they don’t understand that it takes a lot to get out of that slush pile.

For those few who do actually make it out of this stage, it’s okay to miss it. I don’t blame you one bit. The realization that the road to publication is an uphill battle is an important one. It makes us stronger writers. We seek out fellow aspiring authors, find fabulous critique partners and beta readers. Many times, we even throw out that first piece of crap book and start on something better. Don’t feel like you failed if you get a lot of form rejections.

Just don’t give up. The next few stages of the querying process are brutal, and aren’t quite as fun as this one. But remember that those first no’s are all a part of the journey. Growing and realizing that it really IS you and there’s something you can do about it just makes you a better writer.

Jamie Harrington is an aspiring author working on her super villain book. Have a Nice Day and Watch out for the Big Yellow Chicken.
You can follow her on twitter here and read her blog Totally the Bomb here.

Red White and Boom Flash Sparkle #Wordathon!

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 14:45:00 +0000

Time to write kids- words that pop off the page and light up the sky. Eat the barbeque and the maccaroni salads. Blow up your frustrations and insecurities. It is time to sparkle! This wordathon we're agreeing, in honor of the fourth, to write for at least four hours on the holiday weekend.

We'll start at Saturday July 3 2010 at 1:00 PM Eastern and end Monday July 5 at 7:00 PM Eastern.

How to Play

1. Post your starting word count to twitter. Be sure and include The hashtag #wordathon. Then I'll add you the #wordathon blogroll. OR you can @jimsissy or DM @jimsissy. OR you can post it here in the comment section. Or, you can post it on my wall on facebook. It helps if you follow me on twitter or follow the blog.

2. Write like you want to get published, or stay published.
3. When your time is up, tweet your ending word count to twitter. Don't forget the #wordathon hashtag. Or @jimsissy or DM jimsissy or leave it below in the blog comments or on my facebook wall.
4. If you're editing, count pages. Tweet the total number and goal number. If you have a MS that is 300 pages to edit, and you edit 25 pages, it looks like this. Edited 25/300.

You're encouraged to post #wordathon updates during the competition. Tell others, "Great Job." Or tell then you're going to blow them out of the water. Have fun. Everyone's welcome, invite your friends.

#Wordathon Results

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 21:29:00 +0000

I promised to blog the results of the Memorial Day #wordathon hosted by @Zombie_Joe. Here they are:
Editing People Pages Done
@heatherwpetty 168
@kristycolley 56
@blanghinrichs (also writing) 7

Writing New Words

@CidWrites 14281
@sisik 12294
@RobertWLeonard 4200
@Zombie_Joe 4024
@Jinxie_G 3676
@DinaJames (aka #gunnyjames) 2009
@blanghinrichs (also editing) 1725
@snyderw 1256
@ajackwriting 1200

RED DEMON by Deidre Knight released today!

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 22:19:00 +0000

RED DEMON: A GODS OF MIDNIGHT NOVEL, Book 3 (June 2010)

After assuming the power of life and death for the immortal Spartan brotherhood, Aristos Petrakos still hasn’t mastered his unpredictable, newfound abilities. And now a medium brings him a message from the other side—a romantic message Ari doesn’t want to hear…
A century ago, the love of Ari’s immortal life, Julianna Tiades, drowned herself in the Savannah River—after she learned about Ari’s shapeshifting abilities. Desperate to reveal the truth about her death, Julianna makes a bargain with a Djinn demon, who offers to give her physical form. But as Julianna and Ari are reunited in passion, the debt must be paid—in souls and spirits…

RED DEMON Book Signing Event:

Saturday, June 19th @ 4pm ET -- Dog Ear Books, 270 South Main Street, Madison, Georgia **Wine and light refreshments will be served**
DARK AND STORMY KNIGHTS Book Signing Event:
Saturday, August 14th @ 12:30pm -- Barnes and Noble, 19120 East 39th Street, Independence, Missouri
My brother Jim Butcher and sis-in-law Shannon K Butcher will be there too!

Memorial Day #Wordathon Hosted by @Zombie_Joe!

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Fri, 28 May 2010 21:40:00 +0000

While I'm off in the woods with the brave members of Heroic IT, an even braver man will save the day! Joe Alfano has agreed to host #wordathon! Get ready to write, he's no softie.

Begining Friday at 6:00 PM Your time and going until Monday at 6:00 PM- It's time for #wordathon.

How to Play
1. Post your starting word count to twitter. Be sure and include The hashtag #wordathon. Then I'll add you the #wordathon blogroll. OR you can @Zombie_Joe or DM @Zombie_Joe. OR you can post it here in the comment section. It helps if you follow Joe on twitter or follow this blog.
2. Write like you want to get published, or stay published.
3. When your time is up, tweet your ending word count to twitter. Don't forget the #wordathon hashtag. Or @Zombie_Joe or DM @Zombie_Joe or leave it below in the blog comments.
4. If you're editing, count pages. Tweet the total number and goal number. If you have a MS that is 300 pages to edit, and you edit 25 pages, it looks like this. Edited 25/300.
You're encouraged to post #wordathon updates during the competition. Tell others, "Great Job." Or tell then you'll whup on their bad selves.
Have fun. Everyone's welcome, invite your friends.

Oooooh, a #Wordathon Challenge

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Sat, 15 May 2010 03:37:00 +0000

So I'm on twitter and @BeeGirlBlue tells me she's written 8,000 words in the last two days. And then she tells me- to my virtual face- to BRING IT with the #Wordathon. We can't sit back and let a challenge like that run all over us! (Guys, you gotta back me up here). So, we're now having a spur-of-the-moment, where-the-heck-is-your-writer's pride? #Wordathon! Everyone within virtual shouting distance is invited.
Buckle your seat belts, this might get messy.

Start time- Saturday, May 15, 2010 at 6:00 AM in your time zone
End time - Sunday, May 16, 2010 at 6:00 PM in your time zone

. Post your starting word count to twitter. Be sure and include The hashtag #wordathon. Then I'll add you the #wordathon blogroll. OR you can @jimsissy or DM @jimsissy. OR you can post it here in the comment section. It helps if you follow me on twitter or here on the blog.

2. Write like you want to get published, or stay published.

3. When your time is up, tweet your ending word count to twitter. Don't forget the #wordathon hashtag. Or @jimsissy or DM jimsissy or leave it below in the blog comments.

4. If you're editing, count pages. Tweet the total number and goal number. If you have a MS that is 300 pages to edit, and you edit 25 pages, it looks like this. Edited 25/300.

You're encouraged to post #wordathon updates during the competition. Tell others, "Great Job." Or tell @BeeGirlBlue your word count is going to knock hers into next week. Have fun. Everyone's welcome, invite your friends!

Go Sis! (This was the big SEKRIT!)

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 15:11:00 +0000

Shannon K Butcher Wins Romantic Times Award for Best Paranormal Action Adventure Romance with Burning Alive I told you it was good, yes I did!

From Romantic Times Review

The gifted Butcher translates her knack for dark intrigue into the hot new supernatural Sentinel Wars series. Encompassing only a three-day period, the story is lightning fast, but the ramifications are immense. Rich secondary characters should provide future adventures.

Helen Day is tormented by a vision of her own fiery death. What's especially disturbing is the presence of a handsome man who merely watches her destruction.

Theronai warrior Drake is stunned
to realize that the woman who believes he will let her die may be his salvation. As one of the Sentinel races who fight in the ongoing war against the evil Synestryn, Theronai males run the risk of losing their souls over time. The only remedy is a female Theronai soul mate who can bleed off the toxic energy. Too few females exist, which means Helen could be Drake's salvation, but only if she can learn to tap her powers and survive her vision of death.

(ONYX, May, 368 pp., $7.99)

Reviewed By: Jill M. Smith

GO TEAM BUTCHER!!!

The Burger Royalty of #Wordathon

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 18:49:00 +0000

Goodness kids, you rocked words with this #wordathon!
Together you edited 204 pages and you wrote 84,779 new words. Isn't that wonderful?

But on to the newly crowned royalty who win these autographed crowns from the First Family of Urban Fantasy, Jim and Shannon Butcher.
The writer with the most words written is Suzan Isik of Fort Worth, Texas with 18,197 words. You should all follow her on twitter here.
The writer who was the most enthusiastic, positive, and supportive of the other participants, and a first-timer for #wordathon was Ben Langhinrichs of Shaker Heights, OH. You can follow him on twitter here.
Suzan and Ben, email me (jimsissy at yahoo dot com) your snail mail addresses and I'll ship you your autographed crowns.
Bow to the new #Wordathon Royalty. ;D

#Wordathon and PRIZES!

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 18:43:00 +0000

It's been a while kids. (I let you have a break.) But now its time to write beautiful words. #Wordathon starts Wednesday, April 21 at 6:00 AM your time zone. It ends Sunday, April 25 at 6:00 PM your time zone. Prizes will be announced no later than Monday, April 26 at 6:00 PM my time zone. :D (Central Time)

Our special spring #wordathon is in honor of my brother, Jim Butcher and his #1 New York Times bestseller and USA Today #3 book CHANGES and, the release of my sister, Shannon K Butcher's RUNNING SCARED, the third book in The Sentinels series (available for pre-order now for delivery in May 2010. (Books 4, 5 and 6 are on the way so you need to catch up!)

But the prizes aren't books. Oh, no! Since you're the most wonderful writers and authors in the world, we have much cooler prizes than signed books. We have crowns. Signed Burger King crowns!

Aren't these the coolest prizes ever? Crowns from the Burger King and Queen of Urban Fantasy! The writer/author with the highest word count will win the crown autographed by Jim Butcher. The writer/author who is consistently the most encouraging and supportive of the other writers in the competition will win the crown autographed by Shannon K Butcher. (Thanks for putting up with me Shannon. :D )
BTW if you're not following @longshotauthor and @ShannonKButcher on twitter, you should be.

So, on to the #wordathon rules.

1. Post your starting word count to twitter. Be sure and include The hashtag #wordathon. Then I'll add you the #wordathon blogroll. OR you can @jimsissy or DM @jimsissy. OR you can post it here in the comment section or leave it in the comments on Facebook. It helps if you follow me on twitter or here on the blog or on Facebook.

2. Write like you want to get published, or stay published.

3. When your time is up, tweet your ending word count to twitter or Facebook or here on the blog. Don't forget the #wordathon hashtag.

4. If you're editing, count pages. Tweet the total number and goal number. If you have a MS that is 300 pages to edit, and you edit 25 pages, it looks like this. Edited 25/300.

You're encouraged to post #wordathon updates during the competition. Tell others, "Great Job." Or tell them you're going to whup their word count. Have fun. Everyone's welcome, invite your friends!

For more information on Jim's books, go here. For Jim's Forum go here. For Jim's Twitter, go here. For Jim's Facebook, go here.

For more information on Shannon's books, go here. For Shannon's Forum, go here. For Shannon's twitter go here. For Shannon's Facebook, go here

For Julie's Twitter, go here. For Julie's Facebook, go here. You're already at my blog :D

Literary Agent / Author Deidre Knight

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 14:26:00 +0000

Butterfly Tattoo by Deidre Knight, which created an online sensation when released as an e-book last April, and became available for the first time in print from Samhain Publishing this February. The story’s release in any format indicates that contemporary culture’s acceptance of the sometimes “fluid” nature of sexuality has taken giant strides.

When Knight first shopped the novel in 2004, Michael and Rebecca’s love story was deemed too controversial for public acceptance. Michael is struggling to come to terms with his male life partner of 12 years being senselessly killed by a drunk driver a year earlier. Then he meets and falls in love with Rebecca, a woman carrying physical and emotional scars.
“I came close to selling repeatedly,” Knight explains. “It was considered for hardcover at several big houses, but each time the book proved to be just a click too edgy.”
However, after little more than two weeks on the market as an e-book in April, a search for “Deidre Knight’s Butterfly Tattoo” on Google delivered 9,850 hits. The first two pages consistently catalogued very positive reviews. Today glowing praise continues to predominate, page after page.
Why not read this groundbreaking book and determine its “edgy” factor for yourself?

Michael Warner has been drifting in a numb haze since his lover was killed by a drunk driver. As the anniversary of the wreck approaches, Michael’s grief grows more suffocating. Yet he must find a way through the maze of pain and secrets to live for their troubled young daughter who struggles with guilt that she survived the crash.
Out of the darkness comes a voice, a lifeline he never expected to find—Rebecca O’Neill, a development executive in the studio where Michael works as an electrician.
Rebecca, a former sitcom celebrity left scarred from a crazed fan’s attack, has retreated from the limelight and from life in general, certain no man can ever get past her disfigurement. The instant sparks between her and Michael, who arrives to help her during a power outage, come as a complete surprise—and so does her uncanny bond with his daughter.
For the first time, all three feel compelled to examine their inner and outer scars in the light of love. But trust is hard to come by, especially when you’re not sure what to believe when you look in the mirror. The scars? Or the truth?

Available in your local or online bookstore.

I'm sure this is a baby picture of one of our special twitter agents,

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 05:55:00 +0000

So twitter was rolling up my screen and I noticed a tweet from @colleenlindsay, a wonderful agent at Fine Print. I looked at my desktop wallpaper and back to the tweet. You decide.

Get Off Your Duffs! Time for Weekend #Wordathon

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 20:41:00 +0000

The week was hard. It rained, it snowed. Get over it and write. I declare a Weekend #Wordathon! Begining today at 6:00 PM Central and going until Sunday at 6:00 PM Central. Let's have some fun!
How to Play

1. Post your starting word count to twitter. Be sure and include The hashtag #wordathon. Then I'll add you the #wordathon blogroll. OR you can @jimsissy or DM @jimsissy. OR you can post it here in the comment section. It helps if you follow me on twitter or here on the blog.
2. Write like you want to get published, or stay published.
3. When your time is up, tweet your ending word count to twitter. Don't forget the #wordathon hashtag. Or @jimsissy or DM jimsissy or leave it below in the blog comments.
4. If you're editing, count pages. Tweet the total number and goal number. If you have a MS that is 300 pages to edit, and you edit 25 pages, it looks like this. Edited 25/300.

You're encouraged to post #wordathon updates during the competition. Tell others, "Great Job." Or tell then you're going win. Have fun. Everyone's welcome, invite your friends!

Special mini #Wordathon for MLK Day!

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Butcher-Fedynich) — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 23:29:00 +0000

Some people have a dream. Do you?

I have one and I can't realize it just dreaming. There's work involved and it's time for a special, one day #Wordathon. Begining Sunday, January 17 at 6:00 PM until Monday, January 18 at 6:00 PM, let's write like we have a dream.

How to Play

1. Post your starting word count to twitter. Be sure and include The hashtag #wordathon. Then I'll add you the #wordathon blogroll. OR you can @jimsissy or DM @jimsissy. OR you can post it here in the comment section. It helps if you follow me on twitter or here on the blog.

2. Write like you want to get published, or stay published.

3. When your time is up, tweet your ending word count to twitter. Don't forget the #wordathon hashtag. Or @jimsissy or DM jimsissy or leave it below in the blog comments.

4. If you're editing, count pages. Tweet the total number and goal number. If you have a MS that is 300 pages to edit, and you edit 25 pages, it looks like this. Edited 25/300.

You're encouraged to post #wordathon updates during the competition. Tell others, "Great Job." Or tell then you're going win. Have fun. Everyone's welcome, invite your friends!