HALLUCINA!

A Tale of Three Cities (Part 4): Insane City!

2013-02-25T06:32:00.000-05:00

Miami! It's crazy! Well, it's all for the best in Dave Barry's "Insane City". It really must have taken him all of two minutes to come up with that title. It's Miami, right? So he had to go with "Crazy City" or "Insane City." You ask me, he should have gone with Crazy City! Alliteration solves the situation. The book itself is basically "The Hangover" in Miami but I had a blast listening to it. (I heard it as an audiobook and I was that lunatic bursting into laughter in the middle of the Insane City because, hey, Dave Barry is saying funny things in my ears!)

A Tale of Three Cities (Part 3): Astro City!

2013-02-25T05:19:00.000-05:00

So I've been revisiting Kurt Busiek's "Astro City." It is a pocket universe, it is a wonder, a place that one would like to live in, much nicer and much more real than Metropolis or Gotham. Health problems and commercial considerations kept Busiek and artist Brent Anderson away from the series for longer than most fans liked. But their hearts were always there. I hear there's a movie in the works. I will watch. And OH, those Alex Ross covers!!!

A Tale of Three Cities (Part 2): "Whores' Glory"

2013-02-21T19:03:00.001-05:00

Here are three more cities, stripped of glamour, reduced to unsatisfying carnal transactions on the fringes of the night.

Bangkok, Thailand. Faridpur, Bangladesh. Reynosa, Mexico.

"Whores' Glory" is a marvel of a documentary. I can't even imagine how Austrian filmmaker Michael Glawogger managed to infiltrate the secrecy of prostitution in those places, but this a voyeuristic treat. Oh, not in the ways you think: two of the three stories in this tryptich have absolutely no sex or nudity. When we finally do observe the sex itself in the third act, it is hard to imagine anything less erotic. This is what the cinema does best: it's not so much about escaping reality, but about EXPANDING your reality. Here's something you haven't seen, an aspect of human experience that you're lucky to avoid in your everyday life, but foolish to ignore.

And you come out a better, more compassionate person for getting a glimpse of what it's like to be a dolled-up girl behind the glass of a Bangkok sex shop (it sorta sucks, but I think I could deal optimistically, maybe get a cute cell phone out of it):

Or a crack-addicted Mexican whore monotonously bored by a shy worker who just wants to pop a load (it really sucks and it's dreary but I would struggle just to stay alive):

Or a teenaged Hindu girl being belittled by her madam in a ruined brothel (it REALLY REALLY sucks. I would just throw myself on front of the first elephant I see, honestly.)

Fascinating documentary. GO WATCH NOW.

A Tale of Three Cities (Part 1): Woody Allen's Tourism Trilogy

2013-02-21T02:43:00.000-05:00

Dear Imaginary Reader:

Over here at HALLUCINA we love Woody Allen a tutto cuore. He's the charming grandpa that recycles the same stories again and again. So when grandpa wants to go on a tour of Europe, we're not gonna complain if he doesn't exactly get a "feel" for the places he visits! He just wants to look at the pretty things on the brochures, and doesn't it all look lovely? Here's some good old Woody shots from "Vicky Christina Barcelona," "Midnight in Paris," and "To Rome With Love."

Auteur theorists, enjoy.

Good Luck, Nick Cave!

2013-02-19T20:41:00.000-05:00

ABOVE: It's always the guy with the clothes, and the girl has to go nude. I'm not complaining, I'm just pointing it out. No one wants to see Nick Cave naked.

Nick Cave is back with the Bad Seeds for "Push The Sky Away." I'll say the title track is sublime. The rest of the album is a little like a turtle: small, solid, slightly lethargic. It gets to you slowly but then it has quite a snap. Prophecy and idiocy mingle freely in the lyrics. Mermaids on Jubilee Street shake their fishy asses with fetuses on their leash. Some lines are splashy, some just flounder; some are ghostly, but others just hazy. Cave's allusiveness seems a little cursory this time: the apparent Gwendolyn Brooks nod in "We Real Cool" is about as meaningful as a regrettable Hannah Montana reference. Everyone knows "Good Luck, Charlie" is where it's at these days.

Sight Unscene: OSCAR EDITION 2013

2013-02-18T01:25:00.000-05:00

Dear Imaginary Reader:

Sight Unscene is back for a very special 85th Oscar Edition. How does it work? We look at a title, a movie poster, and just kind of figure what the movie is about, because actually going to the movies in this economy is for Wall Street Fat Cats (Republicans) and Sunset Boulevard Pussies (Democrats). You're not some kind of Republican or Democrat, are you? Eeewwwww.

"Amour," the newest film by "Funny Games" auteur Michael Haneke, is about an old man slowly squeezing an old woman's head until it POPS! Brain matter, grey cells and purple ooze slowly drip down between his arthritic fingers, in Germanic angst. VERDICT: Can we have A-MORE of this?!?

"Argo" is Ben Affleck's groundbreaking re-make of the Coen Brother's "Fargo"- with the post-modern subtraction of the F. Whereas the previous script used lines like "Fuck! It is Freezing in Fargo!" the new script simply says: "Uck! It is reezing in Argo!" VERDICT: Antastic!

"Beasts of the Southern Wild" is the triumphant answer to Spike Jonze's "Where the Wild Things Are." Well, they are in the Southern Wild, obviously. VERDICT: A beauty of a movie.

"Django Unchained,": Pixar's newest charmer is about Django, the adorable metal link in a chain that runs away on his own to have all sorts of adventures, eventually becoming friends with Clippy, the aging Microsoft Office Assistant. VERDICT: "Djan-GO SEE IT RIGHT NOW!"

"Les Miserables": A toe-tapping musical about a happy little French girl that goes around making people a lot less miserable than they were before, "Les Miserables" contains many cheerful tunes like: "I Dreamed that I Wasn't a Prostitute," "On My Own I Am Completely Fulfilled," and "Nobody Died at the Barricades." VERDICT: Better than "Evita."

"Life of Pi": Based on the pious best-seller that gave Oprah several orgasms, "Life of Pi" is about a man, a boat, a tiger, and the pie they all love. Who will eat the pie? The lady or the tiger or the man or the boat? There's a plot twist, involving all sorts of CGI. VERDICT: Hi-Pi!

"Lincoln": The stupefyingly boring story of what goes into the making of a Lincoln penny. VERDICT: Could have used more vampires.

"Silver Linings Playbook": They say every cloud has a silver lining. They say every silver lining has a playbook. I don't know who they are, but they say a lot of things that are absolutely worthless. VERDICT: Jennifer Lawrence is a plus, Bradley Cooper is a minus. This gets a no-play from me.

"Zero Dark Thirty": Jessica Chastain starts in this delightful, if controversial, romantic comedy as Jessie, a regular, liberal white girl who turns thirty and realizes she has dated zero black guys! Is she secretly a racist? Lots of hilarious hi-jinks ensue as she searches for the tall, chocolatey man of her dreams. Guest starring: Taye Diggs, Miguel, Usher, Denzel Washington and Tyler Perry as Madea.

BEST OF HALLUCINA 2008-2012

2012-12-20T06:31:00.001-05:00

DEAR IMAGINARY READER! NOW FOR SALE!

CLICK HERE:

BEST OF HALLUCINA

ONE ASTOUNDING PDF FILE CONTAINING the BEST of Hallucina Blog (2008-2012). What do you get?!? The Biggest Hits, The Most Clicked-on Bits. + THE COMPLEAT LOSER DOG! + SEVERAL WONDROUS SHORT STORIES sure to be classic collectibles once the proverbial ship slides smoothly into the welcoming harbor of success + THE COMPLEAT 3-EP. Over 200 Pages of Undiluted Weirdness!

How much do you think this would cost? 200 dollars? (its true appraisal value!) Perhaps I'm going KRAAAAZY and selling it for $19.95?!? No, Dear Imaginary Reader: a mere 2 bucks for FOUR YEARS OF WORK! 2 bucks! A price so low that if you gave it to the pizza delivery guy he would throw garlic sauce at you for the insult! But there's NO PRIDE HERE! Throw your measly 2 dollars in my face!

THANK YOU, AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

2200

2012-08-20T02:17:00.001-04:00

Dear Imaginary Reader:
2200 Posts... HALLUCINA is sooo tired...

Hill Bent

2012-08-20T02:13:00.000-04:00

I want to say I've kinda had it with Jonah Hill, but I never NOT kinda had it, (if you can parse that.) He was my least favorite part of "Superbad"- and "Superbad" was the one moment I did not find him intolerable. His appeal eludes me, and anyone who makes me long for an appearance by Seth Rogen must have been sent to this Earth by Satan himself.

Still, he's inescapable if you watch as many movies as I do (and with as little discrimination as I do.) "21Jump Street" is an entertaining nothing of a fart joke, a remake of the Johnny-Depp-launching TV series that shows little interest in its ancestor beyond benefiting from the name familiarity. Hill and Channing Tatum are undercover cops heading back to high school to uncover a drug dealer and be overshadowed by all the cameos on which these things have increasingly come to rely.

Maybe it's me who's getting too old for this... shift.

But not old enough for "Moneyball," a sports movie based on the thrilling concept that no one watches sports movies for the SPORTS, but rather to hear Aaron Sorkin spouts off about statistical minutiae and the state of baseball scouting. There's a whole circle of Hell based upon the idea of dinner with Aaron Sorkin. But that's what most people confuse for importance, and somehow "Moneyball" is an "important" movie. Because of all the stilted unbelievable, pompous dialogue, see? The importance effect trickled down to an incomprehensible Oscar nomination for Hill. He didn't cuss a lot..? Is that why he was singled out? This is really what bothers me about Hill. As far as "stars" go, no one asked for him. He has been imposed upon us by a Hollywood cabal using a computer that overlooked the usual star stats: Looks, Charm, Intelligence, Acting Ability, and went through some weird algorithm that decided that we secretly want is Obnoxiousness and Fluctuating Weight Issues. Who CAN'T relate to that?

God, he's just a horrible actor!!! Wake up, America!!!

More Thievery

2012-08-14T23:26:00.000-04:00

Two more great movies about thieves: Michael Mann's tight "Thief," with a spicy script and one of James Caan's best performances as a high-stakes jewel thief drawn in for one last score. It has the bones of a cliche, but the flesh is full of life, particularly when Caan tries to walk the straight and narrow with Tuesday Weld, (his futile attempts at adopting a black-gook kid are hilariously desperate and naked). Fantastic, quotable movie. Only the shoot-down cowboy finale let me down. Willie Nelson co-stars briefly but memorably.

There's also Peter Greenaway's grand guignol tale: "The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and His Lover." Michael Gambon and Helen Mirren star in a moving Jacobean play, (moving because the camera tracks down the scenery changes: we go from stage to stage in some clockwork operatic scheme of horror.) Fantastic morality tale, leading to one gross-out pay-off that Dante would have grinned at approvingly.

Ronson, Son!

2012-08-05T17:05:00.000-04:00

ABOVE: Micky played guitar.

The boiling genius of David Bowie's "Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders of Mars"spills right off the pot into "Slaughter on 10th Avenue," one of the most absurdly neglected classics of 70s rock. Is that Bowie sounding a little off on an expansion pack to Ziggy? Nope, that's Bowie's greatest sideman, Mick Ronson (sorry, Carlos Alomar.) Bowie wrote most of the album's lyrics, ("Music is Lethal," with its mulatto hookers and cocaine bookers, is particularly Bowie-esque) and Bowie's mannerisms stick with Mick, so that even though "Slaughter on 10th Avenue" lacks the cohesion suggested by an advertising campaign that billed it as a "movie in music," and it has practically no references to alien life, it makes the most sense when placed in Ziggy's continuum.

Ronson may sound like a less charismatic Starman, but the guitar that gave us the "Moonage Daydream" solo shines throughout "Slaughter," and never more so than in the titular track- a rock reworking of the classic composition by Richard "I'm-With-Hammerstein" Rodgers. The whole album is simply a GO HEAR NOW for anybody who's ever been thrilled by the words "Wham-Bam,Thank You Ma'am."

The too-quick follow-up, "Play Don't Worry," wasn't as inspired. A better bet is the swan-song-set "Heaven and Hull," but be aware it's a veteran's professional sad pre-funeral getty: guests include Bowie, Ian Hunter, John Mellencamp and Chrissie Hynde, and the stand outs are Bowie's "Like a Rolling Stone" cover and a live version of "All the Young Dudes" that finds Ronson backed up by Queen.

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We went old school with Mick, but why not go further? The original "Slaughter on 10th Avenue" is here, danced out by Gene Kelly and Vera-Ellen's legs.

Home is Where the Heart Is Ripped out of your Chest.

2012-08-02T10:40:00.001-04:00

ABOVE: Her name is Josie Ho, which I think automatically makes her a star.

Horror begins at home, which is why we keep on going back to the motif of our residential ghosts. "Dream Home" is a Hong Kong slasher by Pan Ho Cheung that asks the question: "How do you deal with the overpopulated, overpriced nightmare that is the Hong Kong real state?" The answer: "Elaborate murders." Josie Ho (a billionaire casino heiress who's fairly ubiquitous in H-K screens) plays a hard-working woman who has saved for a nice deluxe apartment in the sky only to see a price hike put it out of her reach. So she sporadically takes it out on the people who live in the ivory towers in clever, horrifying ways. The fear here is that of the housing gap, but the real-world concerns don't always go with the outrageous, vomit-causing kills. (Literally! Two vomiters and one fainter at the movie's Italian premiere!)

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ABOVE: "Daddy, Mommy! I had a scary dream where I was stuck in a bad movie!"

No such housing fears in the American "Dream House," a movie as disconnected from reality as its main character. Daniel Craig plays a magazine editor who quits his job to spend more time with his family in a dream house; the mortgage will be paid with Monopoly bills, one guesses. What guy does that? It's 2012! He should be licking the caked dirt from his employer's soles and thanking Baby Jesus he has a job at all! No spoiler there: we know we must be inside one of those fantasies that plague thrillers ever since M. Night Shyamalan reared his egotistical head. So the dream house was a murder site and there may be ghosts around and it gets progressively more absurd from there on out. This is well-directed, well-acted nonsense. (Jim Sheridan helms; Rachel Weisz and the still luminous Naomi Watts help James Bond out.)

The Thieves of Baghdad

2012-08-01T20:31:00.000-04:00

Time is not always kind to our fantasies.
1924's "The Thief of Bagdad," directed by Raoul Walsh, was outdone by a 1940s version that had 20 years of special effects to benefit from. It also had sound and color- and tales from the Arabian Nights need sound and color. The primitive effects in the silent version have their fakey charm, and there's no better effect than Douglas Fairbanks Sr., of course, jumping around story-book backdrops like a man unacquainted with gravity. Modern stunt-men haven't surpassed him by much.

ABOVE: "My rope is so long and erect. It's called Symbolism."

But entertaining as he is, and curious as the cardboard sets are (production design was done by William Cameron Menzies, who also worked in "Gone with the Wind") "The Thief of Bagdad" can be a test for our jaded modernity, 2 and a half hours of racism aimed not at the Arabs, but at the slant-eyed deviousness of conquering Mongols. I notice other kinds of fantasies have changed with time, too. No sane modern man would feel any interest in the simpering fainting princess (Julanne Johnston) too delicate to move without the help of her servants. Only a somnophiliac could care. By contrast, it's the "treacherous Oriental servant" (Anna May Wong) who bewitches us. She's far more charismatic and capable of doing things other than languishing.

ABOVE: "Yup, the Princess fainted again. A walking advertisement for Ambien."

ABOVE: "Now, this chick is more my speed. Shoulda hooked up with her."

(Anna May Wong is the first- and perhaps the most successful- female Asian-American star. That she had to make her fame on "Dragon Lady" roles was the crime of the times.)

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Time was also very unkind to another variation on "The Thief of Bagdad," the wonderful "Thief and the Cobbler." Directed by Richard Williams, (who worked in "Yellow Submarine" and "Who Framed Roger Rabbit,") this is truly one of the best animated movies of all time, but its release in 1995 fell under the shadow of Disney's equally classic "Aladdin." Who knew or cared that "The Thief and the Cobbler" had been in troubled production since 1968? That it inspired "Aladdin"- not the other way around? That the studio forced the generic Disney-like bits on it so as to make it palatable? Comparisons were inevitable and unflattering.

ABOVE: "Jazmin? Is that you?"

And there is a particularly unfortunate design choice in the villain, who looks exactly like Genie and Jafar squashed into one.

ABOVE: "I know what you're thinking: lawsuit!"

Regular audiences were puzzled, if not angered, at this "ugly" rip-off. But people who GET cartoons (invariably, ADULTS) discovered a rare visual trip: an inventive, one-of-a-kind movie that actually cared about the potential of animation beyond stuffing toys at the Disney store. Witness this playful bit of optical art:

Bad timing ruined it all.
Time, thou art the true thief of Bagdad!

Life on Mars?

2012-08-01T14:53:00.000-04:00

ABOVE: *sniff* Very moving, in context.

"The Chimpanzee Complex" would be experienced by any creature intelligent enough to know they are part of an experiment they don't fully understand and can't control- resulting in angst, violence, existential confusion. Been there? Richard Marazano's graphic novel is further proof that the Franco-Belgian artistry that defined the Heavy Metal age has not been extinguished. "The Chimpanzee Complex" follows astronaut Helen Freeman as she tackles one of mankind's greatest mystery: the return to Earth, in 2035, of Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. Are they the real thing? Poser aliens? More questions follow: did the Russians attempt a Mars landing? Did they succeed? Is Yuri Gagarin alive and well? Is there life on Mars? Some of those questions are eventually answered (somewhat) but the enigma of the universe- and our dubious place in it- lingers after the last moving pages. Jean-Michel Ponzio's photo-realistic art not only gives astonishing detail to every space module, but makes the character's faces as familiar as that of family members.

Between the Britons

2012-08-01T11:32:00.000-04:00

ABOVE: Meet your new best friends.

You're probably doing something or other, but stop it, and go watch "The Inbetweeners" NOW. I keep a shrine to "Freaks and Geeks" in a hallowed corner of my seldom-visited-by-girls bedroom, but "The Inbetweeners" is the funniest show ever made about high school (or whatever those crazy Anglos call the awkward years between 15 and 18.) Who can't relate to Simon, Will, Neil and Jay? (And what teenage boy WASN'T a Simon, Will, Neil or Jay at one point?) Hugely successful, (it spawned a movie and the horrifying prospect of an American remake), "The Inbetweeners" has the brain, the heart, and the never ending supply of genital jokes. Enjoy, you feisty bending bus wankers!

Doctor Dee in The House

2012-07-31T11:10:00.001-04:00

ABOVE: Dee-lovely.

John Dee is now a footnote among Elizabethan aficionados. Newton greatly admired him. Shakespeare and Marlowe both partially modeled characters on him, (Prospero and Faustus, respectively.) In these latter times, the astrologer/alchemist/spy inspires a meta-metaphysical novel by Peter Ackroyd and a full fledged opera by Blur's Damon Albarn, whose ambitions balloon with every project. Any Britpop fan uninformed enough to expect a 'return to form' (there's a few of those!) is bound to get as violent as Charlie Bronson. Puccini fans might be a tad upset too. This is its own odd British concoction. Esoteric operas not for you? Surely you've heard of Blur's 21-CD box set! Get THAT!

As for Peter Ackroyd's "The House of Doctor Dee," it's mostly a post-modern joke that ties the real life Elizabethan Doctor Dee with what may be a homunculus of his creation living in today's London. Alternating between past and present and colliding in an authorial intrusion, Ackroyd's novel is probably an infuriating place to start with his work. Try "Hawksmoor" instead.

Bronson, Son!

2012-07-30T13:15:00.002-04:00

ABOVE: Why was he punched? Because he happened to be at the end of the fist.

"Bronson" is a little bit of the old ultra-violence, a movie that reminded me (and everyone else) of "A Clockwork Orange" and "Raging Bull" in its aggressive depictions of strutting chaotic testosterone. It is bravura stylized film-making, far better, I thought, than auteur Nicolas Winding Refn's occasionally portentuous "Drive." There is no need to explain what turned Michael Peterson, a thuggish Brit, into Charlie Bronson, England's most dangerous prisoner. He was a barely contained tornado that spent 34 years in prison, 30 of those in solitary. In the title role, Tom Hardy gives an unforgettable go-for-broke-and-then-break-that-too performance. This is not a movie for people who include "redeeming social value" among their criteria for movies. SOCIALISTS! This is a movie for people who have, at some point, enjoyed watching snakes eat rats. GO WATCH NOW!

Largo Winch: License to Be Multi-Lingual

2012-07-29T03:50:00.001-04:00

I love globalization, but does it have to have Largo Winch as its spokesman? Based on Jean Van Hamme's successful French comic book (or rather "bandes dessinees"), "Largo Winch: The Heir Apparent" is a sleek, grandiose movie that tries to encompass the entire world in what is essentially a "scion reconquers kingdom" story. The movie shifts from French to English to Portuguese to Croatian with the cumulative result that Largo (Tomer Sisley) never emerges as the James Bond character he tries to be, but rather a handsome diffuse tourist with parcour skills. A versatile Kristin Scott Thomas anchors the film. A friend says the comics are much better, and I am listening.

ABOVE: Largo is Spanish for Long. Yes. This is a cock movie.

CONAN THE UNDERWHELMER

2012-07-25T13:30:00.000-04:00

ABOVE: I... act... hard.. with pecs. Grrr. I do Shakespeare in the Park in the summer. Grrr.

Some circles are still in a huff over what happened to John Carter, but the sad fate of a similar movie about another equally iconic pulp hero matters to no one. Why? Nerds pick and choose, I suppose. Another anti-charismatic muscle boy (Jason Momoa), another needlessly convoluted mythology, but the truth is "Conan the Barbarian" is far more faithful to Robert E. Howard's spirit than "John Carter" was to Edgar Rice Burrough's... Still, the new Conan movie is complete crap, and with this kind of material it IS a matter of money: from the casting to the effects, its budget looks only slightly above the average mid-90s "Hercules/Xena" productions. Fun fact: throughout the movie I kept thinking of one of the actresses as being "a poor man's Rose McGowan." Well, it WAS Rose McGowan. Rose McGowan has become a poor man's Rose McGowan.

ABOVE: "I had sex with Marilyn Manson. Trust me, this movie is not the lowest point of my career."

Avoid this like you would avoid the bite of Father Set (that's for the big-time Conan fans). Go check out Ahnold's old Conan movies. The first one is pretty great, and the second one is wonderful camp.

WHO-SSEIN?

2012-07-25T11:51:00.001-04:00

ABOVE: "And over there is my sexy torture chamber. Where we'll practice Saddamy! Haha, just a little dictator humor, don't get nervous, baby!"

True story: Saddam Hussein's son, Uday Hussein, picked a former classmate named Latif Hayia with similar facial features to serve as his double. When you're the psychopathically self-indulgent playboy son of a stern dictator, it's awesome to have a sensible version of yourself who can appear at mosque openings entirely sober while the REAL you is raping and torturing young brides on a whim. Also, there's a lot of people out to assassinate you, so a double halves your chances of getting killed. It's really neat. And who cares if this causes psychological damage to your friend Latif?

Uday doesn't care, and neither does director Lee Tamahori, and that's the ultimate weakness of "The Devil's Double," the dramatization of that true story. There's no psychology here, just DRAMA. Every move comes off the Scarface playbook. This is a slick looking flick that makes us doubt that this REALLY HAPPENED. A triumphant story, no matter how outrageous, transports us to a realm where we buy whatever they're selling. We believe! But I didn't buy into "The Devil's Double." It chopped newspaper headlines into confetti. It's a fun flick, but there could have been something deeper here. Ludivine Sagnier sexies things up, and Dominic Cooper (who had previously distinguished himself in "The History Boys," "An Education" and, er, "Mamma Mia!") has a hoot in the dual seamless role, possibly the best, most unobtrusive use of the technology I've ever seen. Watch out for him.

One more Chance, One more Chance, Never Never Give Up!

2012-07-25T06:55:00.000-04:00

Ok! Try to be unhappy while singing along to the opening song from the anime comedy "Baka and Test" (which I definitely do not recommend to anyone who's not already hard in the core) I dare you to frown! Bring up all your disappointments to the table! And watch them vanish under the magical nonsense hand of Japanese-to-English translation. You can't help but grin, can you? Here's a translation of the opening lyrics, which are so wonderfully dadaist, so optimistically romantic, that they slip past emotional illiteracy and become a sort of triumphant poetry. I simply must reproduce them for you, even if my Japanese is beyond rudimentary. Ready?... No, you're not really ready for Japanese song lyrics. No one is. You just surrender to them.

People like me who get left back, what are we to do?

One more chance, one more chance, never never give up!

It's too easy for us to run into each other.
I decided on you from the start.
My heart is panicking! Did I pass your test?
Let's put our war aside for a moment.

I'm up all night, sighing and drumming my fingers
The best thing about me is I am a prodigy dreamer!
Say, hey, why don't I make this dream come true?
I don't really care about this world at all.

This is such a good spot!
A perfect place to wait for you!
I can hear you saying you want to belong somewhere.
I can hear! I can hear!

"Why can't you stay? We just met."
"Alright, but if you want my advice..."
"Are we only friends?"
"Yes. Sorry to say but you got an F on the test."

NO! DON'T! Let me take the test again!
Act like we just met again!
I mean it! Give me another chance!
You see I have a bright future ahead.
Let me get my life, my life, my life!

I prayed to the moon and the stars.
We don't have chemistry because that is my bad subject.
I dreamed tomorrow would sparkle.
Purely out of love, I'm going to study all about you!

Muku Muku! Here comes the rain so I forget how to cry!

Passive nature conversation!
I know I can be boring!
I'm going to change that boring me right away!
I can hear! I can hear!

"What?" I casually asked.
"I know I'm getting bad grades from you,
But is there the smallest chance...?"
"Maybe."
I was about to stop in time! But you saved me! Of course!
Yes, I'm going to face my life changes with courage.
My love life is like a proud tree growing!

"Oh, I got an F again? NO! One more chance, one more chance!
My life, my life, life."

.... Aaaah. Anime.

Hangin' With Mr. Cooper

2012-07-20T20:06:00.000-04:00

What you don't know about Bradley Cooper is that he played "The Elephant Man" in the Actors Studio when he was coming up. You also don't know I just watched him back to back on "The Hangover II" and "The A-Team," two movies that deliver on whatever little it is that they promise. So go back to watching "The Dark Knight Rises," you sheep.

ABOVE: Bradley joins "The A-Team" with Liam "Old Cool Man" Neesom.

ABOVE: Bradley has "One Night in Bangkok" with Zach Galifianakis in "The Hangover II."

Never mind the trailers, here come the bloopers:

There Can Be Only a Few Hundred Immortals

2012-07-20T17:42:00.000-04:00

ABOVE: Oh, yeah, baby, wipe my bloody wounds, you do it so nice.

Fun movie-improving experiment: put Tarsem Singh's "Immortals" on mute, play some Wagner in the background, and some sort of visual masterpiece is unveiled before your very eyes, a truly fresh re-imagining of Hellenic motifs that occasionally outdoes "300" and "Clash/Wrath of the Titans" (the obvious competition.) Part two of the experiment involves putting the sound back on and being treated to some of the most imbecilic, portentous dialogue this side of "Battlefield Earth." Freida Pinto's decidedly non-Greek beauty is put to no use; Henry Cavill may look Superman-ish but acts Special Ed; and Mickey Rourke is typecast because who wants to see Mickey Rourke NOT typecast at this point? Director Singh ("The Cell", "The Fall") has yet to find that happy balance between his exquisite, inventive photography, and his muddled, clumsy story-telling. (More recently in his filmography: "Mirror Mirror," one of the ten-thousand "dark" fairy tale imaginings this year has wrought upon us. Haven't seen it. My disdain is pre-emptive.)

Sons of Anarchy Season 2

2012-07-14T13:12:00.000-04:00

ABOVE: It's hard not to hear Steppenwolf when you see this. "Born to be Wiiiiiiiild."

I would like to be in a freewheeling, co-ed, multi-cultural bike gang that smuggles controversial books up and down the highways of America. Sort of like "Sons (and Daughters) of Literacy." Until then, hanging with Katey Sagal, Ron Perlman and Charlie Hunman will suffice. Clay and Jax spent season 2 butting heads and expanding the club's involvement with the arts (read: "adult film industry," read "smut") while Gemma struggles through the psychological wreck of her rape (by members of a neo-Nazi organization that includes Henry Rollins- shock casting!?!). Also, there's some business with the Irish, an unforgettable excursion to the pen, Ally Walker's FBI bitch-monster, and Half-Sack's swollen testicle implant.

You read that right, but you wish you hadn't.

ABOVE: "Oh, I'm a bitch-monster because I'm an empowered career-driven woman who manipulates everyone, is it?"

Persona

2012-07-14T01:54:00.000-04:00

ABOVE: Who am I? Who are you?

"Persona" completes my elongated, uneasy, mystic Ingmar Bergman journey. I have seen them all now, even the early melodramas (thank you Criterion!) but I had deliberately and intuitively saved "Persona" for the end, because an influential college friend (who now blogs at http://humanizingthevacuum.wordpress.com ) once mentioned Persona in connection with a literary journal. The Latin word sticks in the head (it even inspired a notorious series of cerebral Japanese RPG's) and the movie works perfectly as a colophon to Bergman's oeuvre, not just because of the story's analysis of how fluid our identities can be, but because of the way it acknowledges itself (more than anything else in Bergman's catalogue) as a movie. The ending and beginning are HALLUCINAtory reminders that we are watching a fiction, and these are all dreams, and so perhaps life is a late-night tale flickering on an eternal screen.*

*The film's original title was: "A Bit of Cinematography."