Blogimore Ravens

Unfortunately last week's tribute failed to eradicate breast cancer: Pink Bengals add dash of yellow to defeat Pink Ravens; Baltimore unpretty in pink

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 16:51:00 +0000

Ochocinco on Sunday's game: "I loves tigers especially when theys whipping them tails around in the water oooooh it feels good—I gots man-boobies!"

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 00:31:00 +0000

I support Mark Clayton (and single Moms who don't look like yours)

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 22:55:00 +0000

Ray Lewis would make a FANTASTIC Sampson Simpson, don't you think?

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 22:23:00 +0000

Jared Gaither may play on Sunday. Not bad for a guy who was mobilized and rushed to the hospital¹ just yesterday. MRI today. Yesterday he had X-Rays (negative). Yesterday I had a Coors Light (also negative).

1: It's nearly a miracle Tom Brady didn't need hospitalization after that vicious roughing-the-passer hit courtesy of Terrell Suggs. I mean, Sizzle touched Brady. Nobody touches Tom Brady. Not even Gisele, because, um, these days she prefers touching Joe Flacco's unibrow. For reals, though, I just got off the phone with New Orleans Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma, who called the Sizzle penalty "ticky tack," and he generally agreed with Ray's sentiments. Vilma also agreed that Joe Flacco's unibrow is sexy. He didn't actually say anything about Flacco's unibrow, and it was never even discussed, but let's be honest: His complete silence speaks volumes, my friends. For the record, Tom Brady is not my friend.

LIKES A MOM I LOVES ME ALLS MY BABIES EVEN WHENS THEY ACTING CLUMSY AND BAD AND STUFF AND BTW TOM BRADY IS A WHINY BITCH

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 14:02:00 +0000

Fourteen of the Patriots points came via roughing-the-passer penalties that extended drives. That's fine. Officiating is officiating and sometimes you're not gonna like it. Whatever. But once the Ravens learn that touching Tom Brady's whiny vagina is against the rules, and that doing so will result in his babysitters throwing the cowardly yellow flag to appease said whiny vagina, then, well, the Ravens will probably no longer commit such heinous crimes, and Baltimore will be in a better position to win a rematch. Assuming of course that Young Tom's babysitters don't make him go to bed before kickoff.

Derek Anderson, even worse than Brady Queen

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 15:17:00 +0000

BRADY QUEEN: 6/8—34 yards—1 INT
DEREK ANDERSON: 11/19—92 yards—3 INTs

Come on down to Clevelandtown, everyone/Under construction since 1868/See our river that catches on fire/It's so polluted that all our fish have AIDS

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 20:00:00 +0000

Next time I faaaaaall, in loooooove, it'll be with Keeeeeeith!

9/28/09: I knew this felt familiar. I would've remembered earlier if it wasn't for you meddling kids.

The only thing worse than Ravens fans who whine about Indy are Browns fans who bitch and moan about Art Modell and pretend their city isn't terrible

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 17:34:00 +0000

I'm not even sure what this Photoshop is designed to convey but YEZZIR our team is undefeated and in 1st place and what do you think is worse, A or B?

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 01:06:00 +0000

A) Having Tila Tequila publicly¹ accuse you choking her unconscious
B) Having it be known as 100% FACT that you two were socializing in the first place²

1: Via her official Twitter account, son!
2: Did I mention the Ravens are in first place and share the best record in the NFL?

MUHFUCKIN' GAMEDAY!

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 07:22:00 +0000

The official theme song for season two of THE JOE FLACCO SHOW.

Well whaddya know. Here we are. The season arrives.

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 22:05:00 +0000

It's been a strange few months since the Steelers defeated the Ravens in the AFC Championship.

Steve McNair was murdered and found dead on the 4th of July. I found out via text message while in Dolores Park. I had and still have nothing to say on the subject. It's a tragedy. Sad and terrible and that's about all I've got. So I guess I have more than nothing to say. But still not very much beyond a big fuck-you to Steve's murdering mistress's ex-boyfriend, who had the nerve to say, "She is the sweetest girl, and she did not deserve this." Hey, fuckwad; she did this to herself and to Steve and to his family, and like I sad, it's a tragedy. Sad and terrible and that's about all I've got.

What else. Well, I became friends and business colleagues with former Ravens CB Gary Baxter, who introduced me to Ray Ray and who also just launched his own clothing line, Perchelle. It's kinda strange but nowadays I've got Ray Lewis in my cell phone, and NO you can't have his number. We've been doing some work together. I'm supposed to get on the phone with Ray tomorrow. I'm not gonna lie. It's kinda cool to have direct access to Ray Lewis. I'm also not gonna lie about the fact that I have almost zero desire¹ to blog this season. At least not right now. We'll see if that changes. If it doesn't, oh well.

1: Some of this zero-desire has to do with the fact that I'm sick of encountering dumb-a$$ fans [original post]. Maybe when Sunday rolls around I'll be back in the mood, but right now I'm just not, which in and of itself, and in the opinion of my small-but-loyal readership, might be a tragedy, sad and terrible, but honesty is all I've got. That and a brand-new Joe Flacco #5 jersey. Black.

Skeet, skeet! Who's ready for September 13?

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 18:11:00 +0000

This video is sponsored but it's not just another sponsor-lackey stunt. Flacco really does work on accuracy by throwing footballs at skeets. He graduated to this in high school after throwing footballs through tires got old.

It's been a minute

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 19:23:00 +0000

Hi. How are you? Hello? Helloo hellooo helloooo?

Some random dude reminded me that I have a Ravens blog and then my homegirl Alana G hollered at me to let me know that former Ravens TE Daniel Wilcox commented on my "ESPN is Ray-cist" post over at Fanarchy and then I remembered a funny story that I never shared with y'all involving myself and a former Ravens player and then I decided to update Blogimore Ravens and then finally I got around to sharing said funny story: About a month ago I was on a random conference call, which was slated to include myself and two other people, one of whom I knew and one of whom I didn't know, and while Mystery Man Gary and myself waited for our common link to join the call, Mystery Man Gary asked me where I was from, and after I dropped San Francisco, he said, "No, I mean originally," and then I said Baltimore and then one thing led to another and then I realized the Gary on the other end of the phone was former Ravens CB Gary Baxter and then we proceeded to speak for nearly two hours and now I'm telling you that Gary Baxter has an impressively sharp business mind.

Baltimore Ravens: Michael Oher video

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 13:53:00 +0000

I met Michael Oher and shot this video at his press conference yesterday in NYC. Homeboy is big. He talks about visiting Baltimore, going up against Baltimore's D in practice, and getting the call from Ozzie. I managed to drop "The Joe Flacco Show" into the conversation, which of course was my only reason for being there.

My favorite questions/answer was the first out of the gate.

Reporter: Do you like crab crake?
Oher: "Oh yeah, when I went on my visit there, I had shrimp."

Let's hope he understands football better than food.

Ravens: Michael Oher & Paul Kruger

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 13:51:00 +0000

The Ravens added two cast members to the Joe Flacco Show yesterday: a Mormon defensive end out of Utah who was stabbed during a gang fight last year, and a formerly homeless offensive tackle who once had a 0.30¹ GPA in high school.

I'm not hating on either of 'em, though. Both have tremendous stories of courage, et cetera, et cetera, especially Oher, who doesn't really care what you think anyway. Besides, Oher had a 3.7 GPA at Ole Miss, which isn't so bad. That's what I had at Villanova, and look at me: I grew up to be a blogger!

Anything is possible, Michael.

1: I've also seen it reported as 0.60. Perhaps the GPA was weighted for an honors or AP schedule.

Blogimore @ 2009 NFL Draft

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 07:11:00 +0000

New. York. City.

Putting a period after every word? How terribly lame and lazy of me.

Anyway, this weekend I'll be at Radio City Music Hall doing freelance work for Yardbarker. Caity, we're eating breakfast at wherever it is you work; Atlas Café is last year's news, Big Slice.

Ed. note: LIVE BLOG

The Joe Flacco Show needs more ammo, yes?

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 01:15:00 +0000

This video is so tasty

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 07:20:00 +0000

After only one dose of Ray Ray's 2008 highlights it's fair to say I'm psyched for next season.

Is there any reason besides ego to sign a SEVEN-YEAR deal?

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 04:45:00 +0000

New, improved and unnecessarily 133.33% longer!

Burritos and cornerbacks and fake drafts! Oh, my!

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 17:39:00 +0000

Some guys I don't know but whose site name I like asked me to participate in a blogger mock draft. So I did. I haven't checked out any of the other selections, and admittedly I didn't put a terribly great amount of research into Baltimore's selection, but I did enough to know that:

Malcolm Jenkins, gone
Vontae Davis, gone
Mike Mickens, taller than those guys from Vandy and Wake

With the 26th overall selection in the Football Burrito Fake Draft, BlogimoreRavens.com selects Mike Mickens, cornerback, Cincinnati:

"With the departure of C-Mac from an already depleted secondary, Baltimore needs a physical corner who can play the run and also take it the house when he gets his hands on the ball. Mickens projects to be that guy. He is a first-round talent with a second-round grade. He tore cartilage in his knee and had surgery in November."

The reign of King Ray continues in Baltimore

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 02:42:00 +0000

KING RAY: "The bottom line for me is that God always finishes first, and I prayed over this. Over the last six days, I took a backseat and waited to see what would happen. This is part of God's plan, and I couldn't be happier. For me to be here in an area that has become so important to me and my family, that's special, very special."

Thank you, Ray, for coming back to Baltimore. I'm not really in the mood to buy a new jersey, and I made a commitment years ago to never even own another Ravens jersey¹ until you retire. The thought of you finishing your career elsewhere never occurred to me at the time. I suppose denial predates the Wildcat offense, eh?

But what's done is done, and what's done is a three-year deal that means Ray Ray will retire in purple. The agreed-upon offer ($22 million²) appears to be lower than the team's initial offer, so that means ~~Ozzie took my advice~~ for once I hit the nail on the head.

Might Ray be bitter for having to take less than previously offered? I don't think so. Well, I don't think he'll be upset with the Ravens or owner, Steve Bisciotti, who has never been shy about his desire to keep Ray. If Ray's going to be upset, and I imagine he is and will continue to be, I expect he'll direct that anger in two directions: his agent and the 31 teams who ignored him during free agency.

In other news, Baltimore inked a center who has been to the Pro Bowl six times: Matt Birk, who spent the first 11 years of his career with the Vikings and who joins CB Domonique Foxworth, a Baltimore native, as the team's two biggest free agency signings besides Ray.

In other news, part deux, I reached out to the publicist and agent for Sizzle and K-Gregg, respectively, regarding Blogimore interviews, but so far mum is the word.

1: No, folks, not even Flacco.
2: No word yet on how much is guaranteed.

"Playing Hardball," by Ray Lewis

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 18:04:00 +0000

Ray Lewis has a right to do whatever he wants with his contract negotiations, plain and simple and no two ways about it. It is his life and his career, and if he wants to play hardball and remain an unrestricted free agent, so be it. But his playing hardball has backfired seriously with even his most loyal fans. It literally has been weeks since I have seen or heard a pro-Ray comment from a Ravens fan, which itself is damn near a sign of the Apocalypse. By now, most fans don't appear to want him back, and at least one offered up the analogy that negotiating with Ray Ray at this point is like trying to save a bad marriage. Even if you win, you still lose.

Wednesday morning, Ravens beat reporter and Baltimore football guru Aaron Wilson wrote: "I've been told there's nothing going on right now with Ray." It has been suggested by Wilson that Baltimore may have lowered its offer¹, a move suggested last Sunday here on Blogimore. Contract negotiations are no different than craps in Vegas. Sometimes you roll the dice and lose, even if said dice are weighted with 10 Pro Bowl appearances and a Super Bowl MVP. Markets set themselves. Rosters will too if you're not careful.

Do I want Ray back? Of course. But only if he wants it also.

Ed. note: Deal-in-principle rumored to be complete. No excitement here until after it has been signed.

1: The rumor has been three years, $24 million, $17 million guaranteed. That offer was almost certainly on the table at some point in time.

Apparently $17,000,000 doesn't taste very good

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 08:21:00 +0000

Ray Lewis: "He has no market."

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 04:15:00 +0000

Sports Illustrated's Michael Lombardi (also of The National Football Post) sent me a message via Facebook today about Ray Ray: "he has no market....hope you are well" [sic].

Ray has said, and I'm paraphrasing: "I don't play less*so why should I get paid less."

Well, for starters, Tom Brady did it, and he has more Super Bowl rings and he just married a supermodel. So it's not exactly a terrible strategy.

But let's play Ray's game for a second.

OK, Ray. It's business. Most teams previously in need of a middle linebacker have filled that void. The economy is in shambles and your personal demand appears to be also. If nobody is making you any higher offers, why shouldn't the Ravens pull their offer and throw another one back on the table, this one for fewer dollars? That's a scary thought, isn't it, Ray?

Th city of Baltimore and the Ravens franchise have supported you through thick, thin and then some. They gave you a reasonably fair offer and reportedly guaranteed you SEVENTEEN MILLION DOLLARS. There is no reason to think you can't go back to the AFC Championship game and possibly the Super Bowl. You finally have a decent QB. Hell, a good one even. The Joe Flacco Show is legit.

Forgive my ignorance, but what seems to be the problem, Ray? Or is there no problem? Are you just rolling the dice for more money? Are you falling victim to the greed that seizes us all at some point? If that's the case, then Ozzie should pull the offer and low-ball your agent, see if anyone's willing to give you more.

Don't get me wrong, Ray. We still love you. But it's business, right?

* In the context of his statement, he was talking about effort and/or skill, not actual number of games played.

Would Ray Lewis retire?

dewey.hammond@gmail.com (Dewey Hammond) — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 16:19:00 +0000

Not once during free agency has Ray Lewis said he'd love to return to Baltimore, but the job market for absurdly expensive middle linebackers with a rap sheet is drying up.

Dallas Cowboys: signed Keith Brooking.
Denver Broncos: signed Andra Davis.
New Orleans Saints: re-signed Jonathan Vilma.
New York Jets: signed Bart "You Done Fucked Up Your PlayStation Game" Scott.

Baltimore could reduce its offer on the table if convinced they're bidding against only themselves, or they could give Ray an ultimatum on the current offer (reportedly three years, $24 million, $17 million guaranteed). But the chances of either scenario backfiring are high. As strange as it sounds, even if the Ravens are bidding against themselves, the only chance to lock Ray Ray down might be to increase* the offer. This strange-as-it-sounds scenario holds more water by the day. Why would Ray sign an unchanged offer that has been on the table awhile? To do so may be to admit that he was unloved and unwanted by the rest of the league.

Would Ray Lewis retire? Egos are dangerous things, my friend.

* I believe a smoke-and-mirror increase would be sufficient, something that looks good on paper but has no additional impact on the team's financial obligations.