Anyway, let’s get on with it, but before we do, full disclosure: I am actually a spamming robot who has come to destroy your primitive way of life I did not come up with the idea to respond to spam comments, but rather, I saw it first at IMAO. So, you may shower him with your praises for the brilliant idea. If you’re sending money or gifts, though, please send those to me.

Ok, on with the show.

“Have a good day! I just find my Soul Match from here:dates personalsmatchHot Online Datingdates personalsdates personalsfree dating personal” – Gregory Despain

Hey, thanks Greg! YOU have a good day too! I like to find my Soul Food from here:restaurants goodeatsrestaurants Hot Southern Cooking freeeatsfood good.

“Good website, wherever did you appear up using the info in this piece? I’m pleased I identified it even though, ill be checking back quickly to see what other posts you have.” – Cigarettes smokeless

Mr. smokeless, I have thankfulness that you written about this thing. I am liking to keep my pieces very identified and clean like the bison. Once I appeared up in the shadow of the great spirit, and he was also much promised to check back quickly of new posts. I tell him day and night of my penchant for spaghetti.

“Thanks for posting. Good to see that not everyone is using RSS feeds to build their blogs” – Joe Theesfeld

Tell me about it, Joe! I mean, what is this…2010 or something? Sheesh. Besides, RSS feeds are for sissies anyway. I prefer to take the spoils of my enemies, grind them into tiny bits, melt them with the hot sun, and mold them as I please to build my blog…and if that doesn’t work, I like to use an RSS feed. You can find mine here. I suggest you subscribe or be banished to the Moon forever!!!

“Cool article. No surprises that Google was number 1…” – compare lcd tv

I appreciate it, compare…er, Mr. tv. Ummm, I’m sorry I don’t know what to call you. I only took French in high school and college, and I haven’t kept up with it. But getting to the matter at hand, it may be unsurprising to you that Google was number 1, but you’d be…uhh…surprised. It was a close, close race, and I have to say there, lcd, you didn’t do too shabby yourself. I’ll be posting the official results soon…but not on this blog, rather I’ll be carving them into the side of a purple unicorn for all the world to see!

“Money can buy friendship but money cannot buy love.” – Earl Mckernin

Earl…you, my friend, are a magician with words, and you always have been as long as I’ve known you, which has been, well…ok, so we don’t know each other, and you’re not even a real person, but still. I’ve been making so so so so soooooo much money with this blog for so long now that I’ve lost sight of this simple truth. Thank you for posting this comment on, Barack Obama: Guilty by Association, because I found it deeply relevant.

“Intriguing post. I have been searching for some good resources for solar panels and discovered your blog. Planning to bookmark this one!” – Tanisha Doescher

Please do bookmark! If you’re into solar panels, you’ve come to the right place! When I chose the tag line “Sports/Politics/Life” for this blog, I generally assumed my readers knew I was really talking about solar panels. Some of them aren’t as quick as you, though. Thanks for setting the pace, Tanisha.

“Great blog you have here but i seem to be having a problem downloading your RSS feed. Everytime i click it it comes up with error 777. It might be my own Mobile. I have a Mac with kaspersky A.V. Im not sure if its enabled. Let me know if anyone else has mentioned any issues or its just me. Im not too good with PCs. I cant see my message after submitting so im not sure if you will see this. Ill bookmark your site and check by in a couple of days for a response. Please let me know if you know of a way around it” – Trance Singles

Oh no, not error 777! Anything but error 777! Error 777 once wiped out the planet of my ancestors simply because they would not enable kaspersky A.V., or maybe it was because they weren’t good with PCs. I can’t remember for certain (you know, with all this revisionist history today…thank you very much, George Jetson), but either way you are screwed. I’m afraid at this point, I can be of no help. It is your own Mobile, and based on the fact that you were able to type that you couldn’t see your message after submitting at the very same time that you were actually typing the message you were trying to submit only confirms that you are now lost in a time warp forever. Good luck in there, and if you see Bob from Accounting, tell him that I’d like to increase my W-4 exemptions to infinity.

“Idleness is leisure gone to seed.” – Will Friley

I know, right? Just like patience is violence gone to the ladies room. And yet these kids today still walk around the mall lookin’ like fools with their pants on the ground. You and me, Will…you and me. We’re the only ones who get it.

“I was first tuned into Diners, Drive-ins and Dives on a trip to Portland for my birthday. I love greasy spoons so we made our way over to the Byways Cafe (yummy yummy). From then I was hooked, we’ve been on a couple trips so far like Utah and Chicago which was awesome! Plan on hitting up a few more soon.” – discount calling cards

This is what I’m talking about people! Thank you, Mr. calling cards. Here I go and write a piece entitled Persuasion Tactics of the Left, and only one guy out there will take the time to comment on it about his love for greasy spoons. By the way, Happy Birthday! How old are you now, sir? I just turned 2 trillion toothpicks last calculator, but I don’t feel a taco over iPhone! Hahahahaha…end transmission.

“This is probably the most extraordinary blogs Ive read in a very incredibly long time. The level of details in here is breathtaking, like you practically wrote the book around the topic. Your blog is excellent for anybody who wants to realize this subject a lot more. Excellent stuff; please maintain it up!” – Smokeless Cigarettes

Hey Smokey! It is the greatness to having your commenting face again in this time of great turmoil! I can take my utmost joy to write the book around the topic! Plus, realizing subjects a lot more is my pleasureful. I am in hope that our mighty warrior Lebron James will show his conqueress bosom to Mr. Obama as our together children weep. But until that fateful spring morn, I am to be honored to maintain it up!

And doesn’t that just sum it up. For whether it be in blogs or in life, we should all strive harder to maintain it up. After all, anything else is but idleness gone to seed. Thank you, spammers, for your contributions. Without you we’d all be susceptible to error 777 by foolishly building our sites with RSS feeds while ignoring our one true calling…writing about solar panels while listening to Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives on that special birthday trip to Portland with our best friend, discount.

Have a good day! Google’s #1!

I have just finished pouring through all of the legal documents involved in McDonald vs Chicago, and I’ve figured out the problem. It was a simple misinterpretation…and I don’t mean misinterpretation of the Constitution, like where liberals believe it allows for women to kill their babies in utero…I mean misinterpretation of the case itself. It’s actually quite silly, and we should all be thankful that Anthony Kennedy luckily got up on the right side (pun intended) of the bed the morning of the verdict, or we could have accidently gone down the road of completely banning guns across the country indefinitely…and no one wants that, right? Right liberals? Right???

Now, I wasn’t able to put my finger on exactly where the misunderstanding occurred, though, until I read the final sentence of Sonya Sotomayor’s dissent, but up until then I knew something was way off. Roberts, Thomas, Scalia, and Alito all wrote passionately about defending ourselves from tyrannical government, about personal protection, about the right of each America to carry, and if necessary, use guns…about freedom. Ginsburg, Sotomayor, Stevens, and Breyer each argued about cleanliness, restaurant codes, and animal rights. Kennedy only submitted a picture of a quarter, heads side up, brilliantly insinuating just how arbitrarily he reaches his conclusions.

So as I read through the case and each Justices remarks therein, I couldn’t help but think of just how different the conclusions were between the liberals and conservatives on the Court. Are we really this far apart, I thought? Often times, I could almost see the frustration on their faces as, for instance, Sam Alito would cite precedent for owning weapons only to get a response from Ruth Bader Ginsburg along the lines of, “What do guns have to do with anything?” It was all so confusing to me too, that is…as I previously mentioned…until I read the very last sentence of Sonya Sotomayor’s dissent.

“It is my opinion that neither the United States Constitution, nor any existing laws of our land, allow for the McDonald’s Restaurants located within the City of Chicago to stockpile bear arms.”

Did you catch that?

“To keep and bear arms” was interpreted by the left wing justices, who have never actually read the Constitution and thus are unfamiliar with the phrase, as “to keep bear arms.” Couple that with the assumption that the McDonald who was opposing the City of Chicago was McDonald’s Corporation, and you can see how this thing got all screwed up.

Now, as to whether or not restaurants should be able to literally keep the arms of bears or other wildlife in their stores is a topic for another day, and one that I’m sure will soon be front and center in the debate on which direction to take this country, but for now I’m just glad that we got the baffling results of this gun control case straightened out. It had me worried…honestly. I mean, to think, that 4 out of the 9 Supreme Court Justices of the United States of America, even the liberal ones, could actually believe that we as citizens don’t have the right to keep and bear arms when it so plainly says in the Constitution that we do…wow, just wow, because if they did, it…wait, that couldn’t really be possible, could it?

He’s that good.

Regardless, though, of his gaudy numbers, LBJ is at a crossroads…one that will ultimately define him as a player. Two paths have converged for Lebron, and although the result of following either will surely one day identify him as an NBA great, only the road less traveled is truly fit for The King…for at its end await the likes of Jordan, Bird, Magic, and Russell. Kobe is headed down this path right now. There are others too, but not many. On the other hand, the alternative, broadly worn path isn’t necessarily an indictment of failure. It wouldn’t altogether void the achievements of Lebron’s NBA career, which will most likely be staggering when complete, but it will leave it forever littered with what-ifs. Waiting at the end of this path is a group of quietly disappointed former superstars who stand shuffling, hands in pockets, trying to hide their ringless fingers. Here you’ll find Barkley, Malone, and Iverson. No one with Lebron’s ability should ever end up in this group. However, we all know that talent alone is a consistently unreliable determinant of success. In fact, it might not even be the primary determinant. There is a reason that Wilt Chamberlain ended up with 10 fewer NBA Titles than Bill Russell. There are mental, emotional, and psychological factors always in play, and they, in conjunction with physical skill separate the great players from the great winners.

Now, Lebron is only 25 years old, and so the book on his career is far from being shut…in fact, given the uncertainty of the impending offseason, as well as his incredible ability and likeable personality, it most definitely has a number of chapters yet to be written, and it’s probably fair to assume that the majority will be wildly successful by most standards.

So why then do I suggest that Lebron James now stares at a career defining fork in the road?

For one, Lebron James can’t be judged by most standards. He isn’t a Kevin Garnett, that is, a great player who couldn’t win when it counted, then finally did, so now his career is validated, and he’ll be remembered forever as a stud and a winner. No, Lebron has GOAT potential…legitimately. One championship where he’s one of several All-Stars on a team thrown together at the last minute during the sunset of his career, or any scenario on the same scale, won’t and shouldn’t be sufficient to ultimately put someone as breathtakingly talented as him in the same conversation with legends like Jordan, Bird, Magic, and Russell. A guy like KG isn’t in that conversation at all. One magical year combined with a solid career is good enough to secure his place in history as a great player. Lebron, though, needs to own a decade…he has to win multiple titles. Maybe that’s unfair? I don’t know, but I know that in life, as well as on the mantle of NBA history, to whom much is given much is required.

Secondly, if the Cavs don’t win it all this year…mind you that they’re coming off a second straight season with the best overall record at 60+ wins…then the questions of whether or not Lebron can truly win the big one will surface, and justifiably so. Assuming the Cavs do come up short again, and this is very possible as they have Boston already pushing them, Orlando to be likely waiting, and whoever will come out of the West looming large, Lebron’s career playoff resume would look like this: out in the East Semis in 06, out in the NBA Finals in 07, out in the East Semis in 08, out in the East Finals in 09, and out again at some point in 2010. I’m sorry, but if this is how it goes down, regardless of his supporting cast and their problems, that’s not getting it done. Besides, has he not had good enough players around him to secure the overall number one seed now two years in a row? Sure, you could make the case that under the weight of the playoffs, some of his guys folded, but to that I pose this…why didn’t Jordan’s guys wilt under the pressure? No one is supposing that Lebron is solely responsible for his team’s success or failure, but it must be acknowledged that most role players don’t have the capacity to really rise to the occasion without a transcendent superstar by their side lifting them to new heights through their fierce will to win at all costs. For Lebron, to be one day viewed along side the greatest winners in NBA history, he must do this for his teammates consistently…every single night. Can he get there eventually? Certainly…he’s still very young, he has a magnetic personality, and seems genuinely liked and respected by those around him. Here’s the important question, though: does he have the requisite measure of internal drive and mental toughness to win at a level to put him in a class with a Michael Jordan or a Bill Russell?

That may seem like a harsh question to ask about a phenom so young and already so decorated, but I direct you to Exhibit A: Lebron’s elbow. Yes, it has its own Twitter page. Well, not really, but this thing has taken on a life of its own…much of which, I admit, is media generated and perpetuated. However, contrast the effect his elbow strain has had on him and his team versus Kobe and his mangled finger from a year ago…or what about versus Jordan in the flue game? The difference is stark. Now, I can’t speak to how painful Lebron’s elbow really is, and I do credit him for not publically whining about it. That being said, I’m a “actions speak louder than words” kind of guy, and what the Cavs and Lebron have billed as a minor, meaningless twinge of an elbow turned the eye of the tiger that we saw in Lebron last series in game 4 against Chicago into that of a domesticated house cat in games 1 and 2 against Boston. He wasn’t nearly as aggressive, sometimes he was uninvolved altogether, and his team predictably absorbed his passivity.

Here’s the point I’m trying to make. When Kobe busts a finger, you wouldn’t even know anything happened. When Jordan had a high fever, he went out and threw down on the Jazz in maybe the greatest show of “there is nothing going to stop me from winning another one” I’ve ever seen. I’ve yet to see that kind of ice cold “get outta my way, come hell or high water, we’re doing this thing” attitude from Lebron. Well, check that…I’ve seen flashes of it. He had it in 2007 when he single-handedly put away the Pistons by scoring 25 in a row and 29 out of the Cavs final 30 points in game 5 of the ECF. He had it last series in Chicago in the afore mentioned game 4. He made a point of announcing his unbridled focus before that game and then made good on it by trouncing the Bulls with a triple double as well as a casual half-court jumper as an explanation point. He even had it again tonight in a big game 3 against the Celtics where he controlled the action on both ends, embarrassed them in their building, and gave the Cavs a huge win to reclaim the home court advantage. But, as absolutely impressive as these examples are, isn’t this the very problem? Jordan had the assassin mentality against the Clippers in November when up by 35 with 2 minutes left in the 4th. Kobe has it when he steps into the gym at 6:00 AM every morning to complete his workout. Mental toughness, the will to win no matter what, the proverbial eye of the tiger isn’t something you can just turn on and off. You either have it or you don’t. You’re either a stone cold killer or you’re not. Michael Jordan’s competitive nature was legendary when he played, and it still bleeds into every facet of his life. It, quite frankly, makes him come across as a complete jerk most of the time, and Kobe has this same quality (though not quite to the same extent). It makes them unrelatable. It’s also what makes them winners at the highest level. Lebron is different, though, and maybe…unfortunately even…that’s why the jury is still out on him.

Look, Lebron James is undeniably gifted with astonishing ability, and I’m not questioning his effort or motives even a little bit, but I still have to wonder at this stage of the game whether he truly possesses that rare pinpoint laser focus that it takes to be a perennial champion. Just like you can’t teach freakish athleticism, you can’t teach the winner’s gene either. Jordan, Russell, Bird, Magic, Kobe…they all have it. Lebron has more physical tools than all of them, but that doesn’t automatically make him a winner. Now, he might be. Heck, he probably will be. We just don’t know yet. This much, though, I do know: if Lebron can’t win it all now, what’s to say that next year, or the next batch of players around him, or even the next team he might play for will offer him any better of an opportunity to win than what he has today? The paths are converging on him quickly, and the window to forever set his foot on the road less traveled closes ever so slightly with each year that ends in defeat. It appears to me, that in order to erase all doubt and to be clearly defined as a winner going forward, for the Chosen One, the time of reckoning may very well be…right now.

Above all else, you must understand that liberals simply are not logical creatures. They just aren’t. Period. If they were, they’d be conservatives (see here for more on the inherent problems with liberal thought process).

So, how then does the left, void of common sense, continue to score political victories? They beat down their opposition with persuasion tactics designed to skirt any form of balanced, civil discussion. They do this through lying, bullying, rebranding, using emotional arguments, and playing the race card…well, those are their five favorite methods at least. Allow me to elaborate.

1. Lying. Just like sports is my thing, liberals are really into lying…like, really into it. No shame at all into it. Take Barack Obama, for instance. He has now broken nearly every campaign promise he made back in 2008, and the brazen manner in which he has done so indicates that he planned to from the start. The vast majority of folks on the left have zero respect for the Judeo-Christian ethics upon which this nation was built, and at times, no attachment to any moral code at all. For them, lying is but another arrow in the quiver to be pulled out when necessary for political gain.

2. Bullying. Often times instead of debating or at least attempting to articulate their position, a liberal will try to silence their opponent through intimidation and name calling. For example, conservative speakers are often shouted down at universities by mobs of angry leftist students. This does nothing to discount the content of the conservative’s message, but unless the conservative speaker has extraordinarily tough skin, they might not deem it worthwhile enough to speak at that particular university again because of the ridicule and excessive toll it inflicts on them to do so. If the conservative is silenced as the result of the yelling, then the bullying has worked. This type of harassment is not just perpetrated by raucous students, either, but is prevalent at all levels of the leftist establishment. Remember Joe the Plumber? Almost as soon as he questioned the then President-to-be’s economic policies, the Obama people shifted into high gear to defame him and destroy his reputation. Quite simply, they were unable to provide a logical response to a basic question, and so they quickly turned to bullying in hopes that other citizens like Joe the Plumber would think twice next time about voicing their concerns.

3. Rebranding. When liberals find themselves struggling to persuade the American people with one of their crackpot ideas, often times they like to take a step back, redefine some terms, and then resubmit the same nonsense in hopes that the people, out of ignorance, will be more supportive of the new lingo. Here are just a few of the many examples of liberal rebranding:

- Calling pro-lifers “anti-choice” because everyone is supposedly for life, but no one is against choice, right?

- Calling illegal aliens “undocumented workers” because nobody wants to do anything illegal, but who could be for shutting out those who just want to earn an honest wage?

- Calling global warming “climate change” because when the earth is clearly not warming it’s hard to get folks to blindly hand over their freedoms to save it from burning itself, but if all climate change is bad and dangerous…well then, wouldn’t we be crazy not to act swiftly?

- Calling cap and trade “pollution reduction and investment” because being capped sounds so oppressive, but is there really anyone against reducing pollution through investment?

- Calling a baby “a fetus” because who likes killing babies, but what exactly is a fetus again?

- Calling the global war on terror “the overseas contingency operation” because war is ugly, and terror is scary, but are contingency operations really that big of deal?

- Calling the nuclear option “reconciliation” because the word nuclear just sounds wrong, but are you really opposed to reconciling things?

- Calling themselves (liberals) “progressives” because liberalism is widely unpopular across America, but can a sensible person really be opposed to progress?

These types of semantic games deceive those that rarely look at a matter beyond the surface, and that’s exactly the reason liberals play them. When you can’t sway someone to your point of view through pragmatic means, tricking them is sometimes the only option.

4. Emotional Arguments. How many times have you heard a liberal politician recite a sob story about a single mom with nine kids who works fifteen jobs in the bad part of town just trying to make ends meet in order to sell you on their legislation du jour? So what if Obamacare will do irreparable damage to the very fabric of this nation? It’s for the kids. What??? Are you against the kids????? Even in Nancy Pelosi’s final speech on the House floor before Congress voted to enact this travesty of a health care bill, she took time to read a letter she received from some poor slob who wasn’t insured and was jonesing for another handout.

The left loves emotional arguments. It’s their bread and butter. Most conservatives don’t even get a chance to present their point of view when arguing with a liberal (which is the very idea), because they are so busy refuting the claim that they want to see poor children die in the streets…or whatever else kind of baseless accusation was thrust upon them.

It’s clever. It really is. The left knows that emotion sells, and they peddle it like it’s going out of style.

5. Race. Whenever things aren’t going well, the left uses the one last trump card up their sleeves…the race card. Don’t like cap and trade? You must be a racist. Don’t want the government to spend their way into oblivion? Racist. Didn’t vote for Obama? You’re racist…that’s why. Case in point, liberals have been working overtime lately to vilify those who attend Tea Parties by calling them racists. Why? They’ve tried to bully them, but they kept showing up anyway; they tried rebranding them as teabaggers (super classy), but it fell on deaf ears; emotional arguments don’t work on the informed; and all other lies about the movement were ineffective. So, they whipped out the race card, because…nobody likes a racist, and they know that if they can successfully label the Tea Partiers as a bunch of racists, it will wholly discredit them in the eyes of the public regardless of their message.

So, all this to say, remember fellow conservatives, the left is not logical…at all. Not even a little bit, and this is the reason that they turn to lying, bullying, rebranding, emotion, and race in order to advance their agenda. It is their only chance of succeeding against the right-minded. So going forward, if you find yourself in a knock-down-drag-out war of words with a liberal, knowing this will at least allow you to keep your sanity…and you need to hang on to that with all your might right now, because these are indeed insane times.

In the meantime, though, the Obama administration is set to participate in Copenhagen 2009 to address climate change. How do they plan to do this? Well, it seems at this stage that their strategy is three-fold: blatantly ignore science, fill up Barack’s teleprompter with pretty words, and publically pat themselves on the back afterwards for pretending to care about the polar bears. It’s a strong game plan, I admit, and given that they’re already 0-1 in Copenhagen this year (see: 2016 summer games in Rio), I think they’ll go in there with a chip on their shoulder, determined to put an end to this ridiculous pattern of natural temperature fluctuation that has been allowed to continue unregulated since the beginning of time. If I could, though, I’d like to offer one suggestion. They need to come up with a catchy slogan. I mean, I’m sorry, but Copenhagen 2009 by itself just doesn’t inspire me to abandon all rational thought and join the fight against the flesh-eating robots. What’s that? Oh, I meant against global warming. I tend to get some of the more common hoaxes of the day mixed up in my old age. I apologize. Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, a slogan. My top ten choices are below.

Copenhagen 2009:

Would we really get this worked up for a scam?

Because fascism doesn’t wait for scientific consensus.

Give us your freedoms or die.

Green is our favorite color…money green.

Regergitating manipulated data to promote big government.

Come for the chewing tobacco. Stay for the indoctrination.

Photosynthesis schmotosynthesis. Carbon dioxide is a dangerous pollutant that must be banned.

Environmental extremism fused with cult-like hysteria.

Do as we say, not as we do.

Al Gore will be here, and he invented the internet.

Please, feel free to offer up your own potential slogans in the comments section below…but if you do, don’t forget to send me a check to offset the carbon footprint you left by doing so. Or don’t you care about fighting the flesh-eating robots, er…global warming?

In all seriousness, folks, do your homework. That climate change is man made and a threat to our survival is akin to evolution in that it’s a shotty theory based on faulty studies, intentionally perpetuated by certain groups in order to advance their harmful agendas. Remember, just because something is repeated constantly doesn’t make it true. Hold on to your freedoms. They are precious, fleeting, and under attack.

A scene from The Trouble with Trillions (1998)

Castro: Comrads, our nation is completely bankrupt! We have no choice but to abandon communism!
All: (sighs)
Castro: I know, I know, I know…but we all knew from day one this mumbo jumbo wouldn’t fly! I’ll call Washington and tell them they won.
Man: But Presidente, America tried to kill you!
Castro: Ah, they’re not so bad. They even named a street after me in San Francisco!
Man 2: (whispers in Castro’s ear)
Castro: It’s full of whaaaat?!?!

(One of Castro’s workers tells him some men with a trillion dollar bill are here to see him)

Mr. Burns: Oh, so the island’s not for sale, eh? Well, will you at least permit us to live in your socialist paradise?
Castro: You talking about Cuba?
Mr. Burns: All we ask for is preferential treatment because of my fabulous wealth.
Castro: May I see? (speaking of the trillion dollar bill)
Mr. Burns: Ho ho ho, see with your eyes, not with your hands!
Castro: Please, we are all amigos here!
Homer: Mr. Burns. I think we can trust the president of Cuba…
Mr. Burns: (hands it to Castro, and waits a couple of seconds) Now, give it back…
Castro: Give what back?
Mr. Burns: D’ohh…

(The three men are on a crudely made raft in the middle of the ocean headed back home)

Homer: It’s hard to believe there’s a place worse than America, but we found it!
Mr. Burns: Yes, I too feel renewed appreciation for the good old US of A. Oppression and harassment are a small price to pay to live in the land of the free.
Smithers: Sir, aren’t you facing some serious jail time?
Mr. Burns: Well, if it’s a crime to love one’s country, then I’m guilty. And if it’s a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I’m guilty of that too. And if it’s a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I’ll soon be guilty of that!
Homer: God bless America!

Now, with but a few subtle changes, let’s reprise that scene as it could go some 30 years after it was first aired.

Obama: Fellow socialists, our nation is completely bankrupt! We have no choice but to abandon ship!
Democrats: (sighs)
Obama: I know, I know, I know…but we all knew from day one this mumbo jumbo wouldn’t fly! I’ll call the Republicans and tell them they won.
Pelosi: But Mr. President, the Republicans will roll back our progressive agenda!
Obama: Ah, they’re not so bad. Some of them even voted for me back in 2008, and they probably would again if we hadn’t outlawed free elections.
Reid: (whispers in Obama’s ear)
Obama: The polls say whaaat?!?!

(One of Obama’s workers tells him that the leaders of America’s top three creditors have a trillion dollars and are here to see him)

China: Oh, so the country’s not for sale, eh? Well, will you at least permit us to further indebt your socialist boondoggle?
Obama: You talking about America?
Japan: Yes, all we ask is that you buy more of our cars.
Obama: May I borrow it? (speaking of the trillion dollars)
European Union: If you promise to continue the fight against climate change.
Obama: Please, why the conditions? We are all allies here!
China: Mr. Obama, I think you can meet our demands…you need the money. (Hands it to Obama, and waits a couple of seconds) Now, pay it back…
Obama: Pay it back?!?! I, I, I…can’t. I need it all to keep the ballooning costs of our socialized healthcare system under control!
China, Japan, and the EU: Hahahaha

(The three leaders stroll out of the White House)

European Union: I’d be hard-pressed to believe that there’s an economy out there worse than America’s right now.
China: Yes, I feel renewed appreciation for my home land after seeing how weak Obama is. Enduring the stigma of Communism is a small price to pay to be a wealthy world leader.
Japan: By enduring the stigma of Communism, do you mean to say that you are guilty of committing massive crimes against humanity?
China: Well, if it’s a crime to brutally oppress one’s citizens, then I’m guilty. And if it’s a crime to lend a trillion dollars to the United States government and use the subsequent power to build an enormous military to further crush freedom, then I’m guilty of that too. And if it’s a crime to completely obliterate America’s manufacturing industry as well as their economic prowess by continuing to entice them with cheap products that can only be made so cheaply because of blatant disregard for the welfare of one’s people, then so help me, I’ll soon be guilty of that!
European Union: Allah akbar!

Eh, I think I like the original version better. It doesn’t quite hit so close to home.

“Daddy, I got asthma! ‘Well here, take some Robitussin!’ Daddy, I got cancer! ‘Here, take some Robitussin!’ Daddy, I broke my leg! ‘Here, put some ‘tussin on it…that’s right, let the ‘tussin sink in there. Yeah, boy! Let that ‘tussin get in there. Let that ‘tussin go down to the bone!’”

It’s a funny social commentary on parents who, when they don’t have the proper medicine, use whatever they have, and in using it, promote it to their kids as a miracle cure. Society does this very thing to us in the form of optimism. It is supposedly the ultimate treatment for any ailment. It’s the ‘tussin of the day. Think positive. Become a glass half-full person. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. With an optimistic attitude, the sky is the limit. We’ve all heard these axioms over and over again…and it’s not like they aren’t without merit. Winston Churchill once said, “I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.” I agree. Being positive is better than being negative eight days a week, of that you will find no debate from me. The problem is that, in life, optimism alone is insufficient, because it’s not inherently fastened to anything concrete. Optimism, as the world teaches it, is believing that the best is yet to come without really knowing why. Devoid of hope, it is fundamentally flawed.

Hope, you see, is based on truth. Hope sustains. The world can’t peddle hope, though, because, well…they don’t have any. So, they roll out the best they can offer in optimism. If you don’t have a cast for your broken leg, throw some ‘tussin on it…and then try to persuade yourself that it will heal properly.

That’s the world’s message.

On the other hand, Romans 5 says that, “We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

That’s God’s message.

Optimism, when standing alone, is essentially the art of tricking oneself into being irrationally positive about the future, whereas hope gives one solid reason to be so positive. Just as faith without works is dead, optimism unsupported by hope is futile. Hope provides the foundation on which optimism rests, and all of this is because hope is firmly rooted in the person of Jesus Christ.

There is no hope but Jesus. None. It is because of Jesus that we can rejoice in our sufferings. It is in knowing Him that we can be assured a bright future. It is through what He did on Calvary, that we can experience a hope that doesn’t disappoint. It is by accepting His free gift of salvation that we can truly become optimistic.

Maintaining a positive outlook on life, in and of itself, is a chore. It’s a daily task of convincing oneself that things will end well, when there’s no basis on which to believe they actually will. It’s blind faith. Maintaining optimism when it is joined with the hope that comes from Christ, though, is natural, because it is grounded in the truth of His Word. It’s akin to watching your favorite team play a game on ESPN Classic. You already know the final score. Therefore, there’s no pressure. There are no worries. With the outcome not in doubt, there is never cause for alarm. This is the Christian life…optimism because of hope, and hope because of Christ. Remove Christ, and the hope that makes living an optimistic life possible is removed as well.

So if you are struggling today, you can seek to alleviate your pain by walking into any bookstore in America and purchasing one of a million self-improvement books touting the power of optimism. They are all very well intended. Of course, so is throwing Robitussin on your every illness. Robitussin will never cure cancer, though, and optimism will never work except that it be coupled with the hope that can only come from Jesus. I challenge you to discover…or perhaps, rediscover…this hope for yourself, experience real optimism, and put the ‘tussin back in your medicine cabinet for good.

I say this post won’t be that controversial because most heated conversations surrounding women and sports are in regard to women playing sports, and I’m not planning on going down that road. I’m stupid, but not that stupid. No, my moderate stupidity has only led me as far as to discuss women as sports fans, and thus in turn, I hope that it will only generate but a moderate level of controversy as well. So, here’s my big statement on the female sports fan: they are as rare as the center of a Pittsburgh steak.

Last night I was watching the Tigers play the Twins, and my wife was watching some of it with me. At one point in the 11th inning, amidst an intense sequence, she became inquisitive as to whether or not the managers from each team, each being old men with old men bladders, were able to abstain from using the bathroom during such a long game. I told her that they probably weren’t thinking about it, but that they could go in the clubhouse between innings if they needed. This morning, on the radio a male DJ was asking a female DJ if she watched the Tigers-Twins game last night. She said she saw a few at bats while her husband had it on, but that she left when he got annoyed with her questions such as, “Why are that guy’s pants tucked into his socks and the other guy’s pants aren’t?” I found myself amused with this little anecdote, because just like the bathroom question from my wife, no guy would ever think of something like that while watching sports. Now, perhaps that is more of a case in point about the complex differences between the sexes on the whole than in terms of their sports fandom, or perhaps it’s irrelevant as this woman, and certainly my wife, aren’t really even sports fans at all. Maybe that’s the point, though. I can only use my experiences as evidence, but I have never in my lifetime met a woman who is as big of a sports fan as I am. Never. Granted, I’m a sports nut, but I have met plenty…plenty plenty plenty…of guys who are bigger sports nuts. Plenty.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that true female sports fans are out there. I’m not debating that at all. I’m just saying there’s not many of them. In fact, I would argue that there are even fewer than meets the eye (think Transformers on opposite day). It’s my opinion that the vast majority of women who go to sporting events, even those who love to go, or who watch sports on TV do so for reasons other than the love of the game…and there’s nothing wrong with that. They go to be with their man. They go to people watch. They go for the atmosphere, for the food, for the party. They watch because it’s a way to relate to others, or it’s a way to have friends over, or to socialize, or maybe they’re just event junkies. Whatever it is, it’s not because they love sports. How many women do you know that watch sports games, read sports columns, check sports scores on their phones, listen to sports talk radio, initiate sports related conversations at work, and TIVO shows like PTI and Sportscenter on their own? Because, that’s the real test, as even a casual fan does at least some of these things on a regular basis. It’s like this: I’ve seen my fair share of chick flicks over the years with my wife, and I don’t mind watching them with her. However, when I’m by myself, I don’t watch chick flicks. The gap between being okay with watching something and choosing to watch it when you’re the one holding the remote is significant. That’s the difference.

So, wow…there’s not many legit female sports fans. Shocking, and lest you think I just spent four paragraphs stating the obvious, let me mosey around to the point of this monstrosity: it is perfectly ok with me that so few women genuinely like sports. What bothers me is when women who don’t act as if they do for attention sake. It’s akin to the know-it-all who, in his constant reminding to everyone of how much he knows, only further reveals to everyone how much he doesn’t. There’s a lady I know who has an affinity for publicly proclaiming her love of sports. One time, after she just got done announcing how much she loved baseball, she asked who was in the playoffs that year. The World Series had just ended a week earlier. Oops. Of course, maybe she is considered quite the sports enthusiast amongst her group of friends, but in terms of defining a true sports fan, that probably isn’t a reliable sample. My wife has asked me on several occasions if I wished she were a bigger sports fan…or truthfully, a fan at all…and each time I was able to answer her question honestly with a no. I didn’t even have to fake a heart attack upon her asking. You see, although she doesn’t really even understand the rules of football, it’s completely fine with me. I don’t know how to cook. What would irritate me is if, given her lack of knowledge about football, she tried to argue with me that the quarterback should just run on every play instead of pass. Likewise, considering I can barely make a sandwich, I’m sure it would irritate her if I tried to coach her on how to properly prepare lasagna.

A lot of women seem intent in social situations to get stamped as one of the guys, and a popular plan to achieve this, apparently coveted, distinction is by pretending to be interested in typical guy things…namely, sports. I don’t really understand why this is…heck, I don’t claim to understand women at all…but I know this: if you’re a woman, and you truly love sports, awesome. Seriously, more power to you. However, if you don’t give a rip about sports but think you need to play the sports nut to impress guys, I have some simple advice for you. Stop doing that. Guys who are true sports fans will easily see through you and become quickly annoyed with your act. Nobody likes a phony. Plus, guys don’t want or need you to be one of them anyway. That’s why they have guy friends. Just be yourself (and stay in school, kids…ummm…and don’t do drugs either). It will take the pressure off, make you more likable, and with you being no longer under the notion that you have to care about the big game last night to be accepted by guys, there will be much less eye rolling around male dominated water coolers everywhere going forward.

See, that wasn’t that controversial. I think I should have held off on my preemptive groin strike. If I ever get around to building that time machine to avoid my wife’s confusing questions, I’m definitely taking that one back…I don’t know, and probably this blog post too. Maybe I should have just gone with my gut and written that piece about the benefits of Nazi-style prohibition in 21st century America.

Warning: in order to maintain the integrity of the story, strong language has been insinuated.

(Begin transcript)

Jim Rome: Hello everyone, and welcome to the show. Oh hey, Bobby Knight…I was told you weren’t coming. Good to have you, though. Anyway, let’s get started. I’d like to begin with you, Jim Everett…er, excuse me, Chris Everett.

Bobby Knight: Who the **** told you I wasn’t gonna be here?

Jim Rome: Well, Bobby…

Jim Everett: You’ve been calling me Chris behind my back now for some time, and if you do it again, we’re going to need to take a station break.

Jim Rome: Well, it’s only a five minute segment. I don’t think we’d have time for that.

Bobby Knight: Was it some one from Indiana?

Jim Rome: Umm, no Bobby…

Bobby Knight: Who was it?

Jim Rome: I’ll point him out to you in a second if you’ll just relax and try to handle yourself with a little class. I’d like to get back to Chris, if I could?

Jim Everett: Call me Chris one more time and we’re going outside.

Jim Rome: I just did.

Jim Everett: I’ll bet you won’t do it again.

Bobby Knight: Hey, I’ll handle this any way I want! Ok! Now, you can do what you want…sit here, leave…I don’t give a **** what you do! But, if you’re not capable of running this…

Jim Rome: Ok, Bobby! Sheesh…calm down. We don’t have much time, and I don’t want to forget anyone!

Ozzie Guillen: Yeah, you already forgot pretty ******* quick about us. All of Chicago forgot about us! One day we’re the ******* toast of the town, and now we’re just a ******* piece of ****!

Dan Hawkins: Yeah, and I coach Division I football! The Big 12!!!

Jim Rome: Guys, chill! If you’ll just bear with me…

Mike Gundy: You obviously don’t have kids!

Jim Rome: What????

Allen Iverson: Yeah, I mean…I supposed to be the franchise player, and we sittin here talkin bout practice, man! Practice, not a game, not a game, not a game…practice! Practice!!!

Jim Rome: Uhhh, nobody was talking about practice, Allen. What is going on here????

Allen Iverson: Practice! Not a game…practice!

Jim Mora: Playoffs? Pl…play…playoffs? Did you say playoffs? Are you kidding me? Playoffs?

Allen Iverson: Practice!

Jim Mora: Playoffs?

Allen Iverson: Practice!

Jim Mora: Playoffs?

Dan Hawkins: It sure ain’t intramurals!

Jim Rome: Ok, guys…nobody is talking about practice or playoffs or intramurals! I, I…I’d like to get back to…

Allen Iverson: We not even talking bout games. We play…

Herm Edwards: We play to win the game!

Allen Iverson: Then why we still talkin bout practice!

Herm Edwards: We play to win the game!!!

Allen Iverson: Practice…not even a game!

Jim Rome: Allen, nobody is talking about practice!!! And Herm, I don’t know…

Jim Mora: Are you kidding me? Playoffs?

Ozzie Guillen: **** this ****!!!

Jim Rome: Guys, if I could just…!

Mike Gundy: See, this is why I don’t read the newspapers! They’re garbage! We’re respectful to the media! We’re respectful to the public! And they go and write stories about guys who do everything right!!!

Denny Green: They are who we thought they were! They are who we thought they were!!!

Jim Rome: Ok, Mike…Denny, who’s they?

Bobby Knight: Who the **** told you I wasn’t gonna be here?

Jim Rome: Bobby, for the love of…

Denny Green: If you want to crown em, then crown their ***! But they are who we thought they were!!!

Jim Rome: Denny, I don’t who you’re talking about!!!

Dan Hawkins: Go play intramurals, brother…go play intramurals.

Jim Rome: Is this a reality show?

Allen Iverson: I supposed to be the franchise player, and we talkin bout practice! Not a game…

Herm Edwards: We. Play. To. Win. The. Game!!!

Allen Iverson: Practice, man!

Jim Rome: NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT PRACTICE, ALLEN! WHAT IS GOING ON?!?! NOW…can I please get back to where we started?!?! Please?!?! We only have 2 minutes left! I’d like to ask Chris as question.

Jim Everett: Say it one more time!

Jim Rome: Ok, Chris.

(A scuffle ensues, as Jim Everett leaps over the table and attacks Jim Rome.)

Jim Mora: Are you kidding me? Playoffs?

Ozzie Guillen: **** this ****!!!

(The camera crew quickly breaks up the fight.)

Mike Gundy: You should have come at me!!!

Serena Williams: I should shove this ******* ball down your throat!!!

Mike Gundy: I’m a man!!!!

Serena Williams: I’ll kill you!!!

Mike Gundy: I’m 40!!!

Jim Mora: Are you kidding me? Playoffs?

Ozzie Guillen: **** this ****!!!

Denny Green: They are who we thought they were!!! They are who we thought…

(An uninvited guest makes a quick surprise entrance and cuts off Denny Green mid sentence)

Kanye West: Yo Denny, you got a crazy rant going. I’m happy for ya, and I’mma let you finish. But I’ve got one of the craziest rants of all time! Of all time!!! Remember???? George Bush doesn’t care about black people!!!

(In quick response, an unrecognized voice is heard from the back of the room)

Joe Wilson: You lie!!!

(A rare silence follows, and the lead camera man motions that it’s time to wrap up)

Jim Rome: Uhhhh…that’s all the time we have for today. Ummm…thanks everyone…I guess, uhhh…

Jim Mora: Are you kidding me? Playoffs?

Ozzie Guillen: **** this ****!!!

Allen Iverson: Practice! Not a game, not a game, not a game…

Jim Rome: All right…

Bobby Knight: Who the **** told you I wasn’t gonna be here?

Allen Iverson: Practice!

Jim Rome: Cut.

(End transcript)

Ok, ok, due to the request of my readers (I like to pretend that I have readers who request things), I shall expound on my above statements with an example. Take Arlen Specter. Though a long time Republican Senator from Pennsylvania, he recently switched parties in an attempt to avoid getting booted out of office in the upcoming mid-term elections. Upon his switch, Republicans promptly bid him good riddance, and the Democrats welcomed him home as if he was their prodigal son. Also, if you remember, George Bush campaigned for Specter during his Presidency, and I have a sneaky suspicion that Barack will do the same for him when 2010 gets here. The moral of the story is that, as always, no one gives a flying hoot on Capitol Hill if you truly stand for what you claim, or even if you get around to claiming to stand for anything at all…what’s important is whether or not you have an R or a D in front of your name. Power to the party! Just like our forefathers wanted.

No, but unfortunately, that’s what it has become. I shall expound further. Lawmakers today practice politics sans principle. It’s about power, influence, and taking care of one’s own…cronyism over code. Of course, I realize that me telling you all this is roughly as revealing as finding out that Barry Bonds was juicing, but it’s disheartening nonetheless. What is even more disheartening, though, is how much of this same attitude has seeped into the mindset of the everyday voter. Case in point: the ongoing reaction to President Obama’s back-to-school speech yesterday.

Disclaimer: in the ensuing paragraphs, I aim to say something positive about Barack Obama. If this is too much for you to handle, please rest in the fact that I would still rate his Presidency thus far as just south of epic disaster.

Leading up to Obama’s appeal to the school children, I was skeptical about his objective going in and concerned about a potential indoctrination attempt. Therefore, I felt all the hullabaloo from the right prior to the speech was warranted. However, after some changes were made to the verbiage of the speech as well as the mandated follow up school assignments eliminated, I decided to take it at face value…and after doing so, I was actually quite pleased. It was a simple message about hard work and responsibility, and one that, quite frankly, many of these kids aren’t getting from their parents. Now, I still can’t vouch for the purity of Obama’s motives for giving the talk, as it may have meant nothing more to him than a way to shift the focus from a healthcare debate he’s losing as well as level out his sinking poll numbers. However, who’s motives in Washington can I vouch for anymore, and is that what really is significant in this situation anyway? Philippians 1:18 says, “But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice. Yes, and I will continue to rejoice.” Obviously, this isn’t a scenario where Christ was preached, but I believe that we should view it in a similar manner. Kids across the country were asked by the most powerful man in the world to work hard, to stay in school, and to lead responsible lives. Whether there was sinister political subtext behind his plea or not, it was a sound plea. In fact, I would argue that it was even a rather conservative one.

So why are so many on the right still crying the blues over it? Again, I expect party before principle elected Republicans to continue lambasting it, and I understood and applauded the level of scrutiny it received beforehand. After all, it is our job as parents to be vigilant about who and what our children are hearing at school. After listening to Obama’s words, though, I wonder…what exactly is the problem now? They weren’t political in nature, and besides, in this instance we can safely ignore the political context as it is fundamentally irrelevant…that is unless someone snuck a referendum to lower the voting age to 4 into the stimulus bill. Look, I’ll admit…I was as ready as the next guy to tear the speech apart limb from limb and dub it as yet another attempt by the President to undermine the very fabric of our fragile Republic. However, I had to ask myself this. Would I have been equally upset if George Bush had given the same talk, or would I have simply celebrated it from the get-go without even considering for a moment that political implications may be present? I knew the answer instantly. That is why, though they were being taught by a man with whom I rarely see eye to eye, I chose to cheer on the valuable lessons I heard yesterday. Right is right and worthy to be acknowledged regardless from whom it is uttered, and so I ask you…are you following people or principles? I pose this question because, as we’ve already discussed, Washington operates often times devoid of all principles, and therefore more than ever, it desperately needs the influence of a great many principled Americans.

Of course, that being said…I think once we principled Americans are done clapping for Obama’s back-to-school address, we need to ask him why he promotes, through inspiring speeches, hard work and achievement to school children while simultaneously endeavoring to punish, through socialistic policies, their hard working, achieving parents? Because that seems…you know, phony and hypocritical. Then again, water is wet.