The Journal of Joe The Peacock. Yay.

Jury Duty, Day 1

2010-02-08T08:28:00.006-05:00

8:30 AM:

I'll be updating this post all day, because I'm sure that I'm going to have plenty of time to do so. And so far, today's been a real treat.

I discovered the hard way that Egg Beaters and half & half, while sharing similar carton shapes, taste radically different when added to coffee.

I left the house late.

My wife was in a fender bender (she and the car are mostly fine - one minor bruise on each), and neither of us have paid up our tags.

I arrive and am sent through the metal detectors and back to my car two separate times - once for a keychain multi-tool with no knife on it, and once for my actual multitool in my laptop bag.

I get to the check-in window, where I discovered, after arriving nearly 20 minutes late, that I left my picture ID in my wallet, which was left next to the coffee/egg dribble stain on my desk, which is where I was looking up all our information for Andrea to give the police dude on the scene of her fender bender.

And now I'm in the jury assembly room, where Fox News is blaring from four televisions at high volume, and headphones are forbidden (since they may have to call your name to go fulfill your civic duty to judge your fellow man). And this talking head on this stupid morning show is billowing all sorts of shit that sounds remarkably like "Everything in the world is Obama's fault, especially shit that happened before he took office - always remember that, since facts are merely what we've convinced you to remember."

I want to puke.

*****

8:55 AM:

The best part about being sworn in and told how jury duty works is that they have to turn off Fox News to do it.

I also love that they have wifi here, and that they've allowed just about every other instant messaging service except AIM. My guess is that whoever does IT support for the court system here is a big fan of Google Talk.

They're talking about lunch and breaks. I'm fortunate in that I live about 10 minutes from the courthouse, so I can get back to the house and let the dogs out and fix myself a delicious sandwich, because the food near here is complete garbage. Unless of course you LIKE Long John Silvers, in which case, let's never have lunch. Ever.

9:45 AM:

We just watched a video entitled "Jury Duty And You." Actually, that might not have been the title, but it might as well have been. It was very obviously produced in the 80's and contained all of the near-crayola-colored clothing and feathered hair that an 80's production requires to be held in good standing as a relic.

When I'm in my office working, I never really get the urge to goof around. I get stuff done, and I enjoy the pace I work at. But sitting here in this jury room, all I can think about is my Xbox 360.

I want very badly to be home on my couch playing my Xbox 360. I've been playing it a bit more in recent weeks, thanks to Mass Effect 2. Before Mass Effect 2, I played it probably twice in three months, both of those times to prove my superiority in Tekken 6 to idiots who think they could beat me in Tekken 6. But Mass Effect 2 has made me appreciate my Xbox 360 again.

And right now, I think it feels neglected being left there at home all alone. It thinks I hate it. And I don't; I love my Xbox 360 very very much. And I can't show it because I'm here sitting amongst the other residents of my county, listening to Fox News with one ear (because I need at least one hand to type, and my fingers on my left hand won't stretch far enough apart to plug both ears).

I love you, Xbox 360.

11:10 AM:

The first jury pool was called. The clerk actually called for someone named - and I'm not making this up - "Ghana Rhea." I know the spelling because she spelled the name aloud "so she wouldn't mispronounce it." I think she actually spelled it because she didn't want to pronounce it correctly.

11:30 AM:

I'm called into a jury pool of 60. I was only a minute away from going on an hour and a half lunch. Instead, I sit in a courtroom and listen to the basics of a case that requires a 25 page questionnaire to be filled out. Obviously I can't talk about the case, that's no good. But I can tell you that I was blown away at just how long it could take some people to fill out a damn questionnaire. I had mine done in about 20 minutes, and we were forced to sit there until every single person turn theirs in.

Jury duty is a frightening prospect, if only for the fact that I'm discovering who might be called upon to judge me one day.

Anyway, we get dismissed at 2:00 PM and are told to return at 2:30 PM - cutting my hour and a half break to a thirty minute dash to my house for a sandwich (because, as I told you before, I'm NOT eating Long John Silvers).

I end up returning late, along with two others who also apparently had issues parking due to the fact that there was no less than six cars taking up two to three spots each - YES, two to three spots. Each. You'd think that, since this is pretty much cop central, a few of them might see this shit going on in the parking lot and issue a citation or 30. Or better yet, enact a little bit of police brutality that I, for one, would turn a blind eye toward.

We all pile into the room to be told by the judge that, due to an oversight in something I'm not going to get into because it's borderline contempt of court to actually write the words I was thinking right then, the lawyers hadn't read the 60 twenty-five page questionnaires. We were free to go, and we have to return tomorrow morning.

THIS IS WHY CELL PHONES WERE INVENTED, for fuck's sake.

And just as I'm leaving, I'm asked to return to the jury room to show them the photo ID I didn't show them initially, which then resulted in a fifteen minute wait for someone to show the hell up so I could get the hell out.

Civic duty be damned. This is not even barely enjoyable, and I cannot wait until it's over.

Same Blog, New Address

2010-02-07T13:14:00.001-05:00

Due to the fact that Blogger is abandoning FTP-based hosting, we've moved my blog over to a new address, blog.joethepeacock.com. For those of you who have the old joethepeacock.com/journal.php link bookmarked, no fear - we've redirected it to the new address. RSS / Google Reader / Livejournal readers shouldn't feel a thing, as the RSS links are staying the same.

So essentially, the only thing that's changed is the address in the address bar, which no one ever pays attention to anymore thanks to Google and RSS.

Really, this is a contentless post. So here's a picture of Orrin Hatch playing the piano:

My Days So Far

2010-02-06T23:09:00.001-05:00

I just thought I'd let you all know that I ate cookies for lunch the past two days.

That's correct: for two days in a row, I've baked a sheet of cookies, and my wife and I ate them for lunch.

...Well she's sick, okay? And this is how you treat being sick. Cookies.

For lunch.

...Shut up. You're just jealous.

Art of Akira Exhibit Gets Some Great Attention

2010-02-04T23:48:00.001-05:00

So, my announcement and video for the Art of Akira Exhibit at ToonSeum has been getting some great attention! It was posted to Fark, Neatorama, MetaFilter and Museyon, a Museum gazette. The focus of the write-ups seems to be split between the fact that it's an inside look at the art and technical genius of Akira, and the method of fundraising on the web.

Either way, I'll take it.

This project has gone from a simple idea to a dream over the past five or so years, and it's so close now I can taste it. I was overjoyed when Joe Wos from ToonSeum signed on last year, after nearly 2 years of working to find the appropriate venue - and now here we are, a few months from launch.

This is a very big thing. Not just for me, and not just for fans of Akira - this is an incredible opportunity for me to pay tribute to some astounding artists who worked at the peak of their artistic levels to create something we will never see again. Not just in our lifetime, but ever. No studio will put eight-figure budgets together to hand-paint animation ever again, especially not at 24 frames per second across two hours - and even if they did, I highly doubt we'd ever see the level of technical detail, research and talent that went into Akira.

When I consider the idea that a young art or animation student could walk into this exhibit and see how it used to be done, and marvel at the level of detail and focus that each and every frame of animation had, I'm overjoyed. Everything is so rushed these days... Corners are cut, and no one puts in the extra effort on anything - only what must be done to bring things to fruition.

Anyway, it's on its way - and thank you to all of you who have been spreading the word. Please help me spread it further by passing along the Art of Akira Exhibit site!

The Top 1 Reason You Shouldn't Flush Kitty Litter

2010-02-03T00:00:00.005-05:00

So, my parents' cat died a few weeks ago. Yes, sad, I know. But as much as I liked Ms. Kitty, that's not the tragedy here. It's merely the precursor to that which is.

My parents, not wanting anything to go to waste, decided I needed very much to take home the auto-scooping cat box they bought for Ms. Kitty. I protested and insisted that the box doesn't really fit into the current dichotomy in our home - we are perfectly fine replacing the litter every 3 days, and the auto catbox thing requires clumping litter to work right. But they insisted, invoking the memory of their dearly departed cat.

So, I caved, and made the best of it by installing this automatic scooping cat box - along with a fucking cat water fountain I was also forced to take, I shit you not - in my office for Mofo, my office cat. Mofo is a bit standoffish, hence her name - so she lives alone in my office, separate from the other cats. And some weeks, I might go four or five days without cleaning her box, because after all, she's just one cat and she doesn't really stink so bad.

The auto scooping cat box has been fine all week, doing it's little job with nary a concern - until today, when the little bucket that holds the poos and pees got full, and the auto scooping cat box began whirring and whining and crying because it couldn't fit any more offal into the container, causing it to jam. So I took the little bin out and considered it.

I've never used scoopable cat litter before. Thus, I've never really considered the proper disposal of individual poos and pees - I've always just hauled out a litterbox liner full of waste litter and filled the box back up. But that's not how this automatic scooping catbox thing works. It works with clumping litter. Says so right on the warning label.

Because I was in a bit of a hurry to return to my work, I did the first thing one does when one considers what to do with poos and pees as they sit festering in a small bin in your hands - I dumped the whole lot into the toilet and flushed it.

Big, big, BIG mistake. With a capital F-U-C-K-I-N-G. You see, clumping cat litter clumps when wet.

I think you know the rest of the story from here.

Needless to say, I spent the next two and a half hours learning the fine arts of using a plumber's snake and removing a commode, and the reason they make and sell latex gloves. I had to scrape and pry out what had essentially become concrete from the crooks in the flush tube of the commode, meanwhile snaking about 25 feet of drainage.

As an aside, if you've got a toilet in your home that hasn't been removed and cleaned in a while... Just leave it there. You do NOT want to see what happens to the back lip of the drain as all those years of Wendy's value meals brushed past the lip and left small amounts of themselves which built up over time.

Trust me on this.

Announcing: The Art Of Akira Exhibit

2010-02-02T06:37:00.008-05:00

(For all images in this post, click on them for ultra mega high resolution versions. You're welcome.)

Quick links: Art of Akira Exhibit blog and site, Twitter, Facebook Fan Page, KickStarter donation page, ToonSeum

Regular readers of this blog and my books know that I'm obessive about the things I love. I tend to get bored easily, so I find unique and interesting challenges to keep me busy. I like showing people how great awesome things can be.

With this new project, I believe I've found the exact right challenge to combine all of these character traits into one singular goal: To teach the entire world just why the movie Akira is a cinematic, artistic and technical masterpiece.

To give you a brief look at why I feel Akira is one of the most astounding accomplishments in filmmaking, animation and artistic history, I've created a quick two minute video which sums it up quite neatly, I think:

(Can't see the video above? Here's the direct link to YouTube)

If it weren't for the fact that I actually owned this original art, I'd have never known just how amazing that cityscape was, or how detailed the individual pieces that went into making that scene were. But because I do, and I have, I feel that the world - especially appreciators of animation, film and art, needs to see this material.

This is why I've partnered with ToonSeum to create the Art of Akira Exhibit.

About The Art of Akira Exhibit:

The Purpose:

In 2010, the historical and artistic significance of Akira cannot be understated. As the popularity and influence of animation continues to expand, the Akira Exhibit gives audiences the unique opportunity to take a deeper look into this unparalleled achievement in filmmaking.

No other film has ever looked like Akira, before or since. It’s stunningly fluid and detailed animation often required as many as nine separate cel layers. The 125 minute feature was comprised of over 160,000 cels and almost as many backgrounds, each one completely hand–drawn and hand-painted. Purists recognize Akira as the last completely hand-created animated feature, as cel animation quickly gave way to cheaper digital production and CGI technology.

Filmmakers, animators, art students and anime fans have largely missed out on in-depth looks at how original, cel-based animation was created - and what better example than the magnum opus that is Akira? No other animation in history - from Japan, the United States or otherwise - focused so much attention to detail in every single aspect, on every single frame and background. Each piece is a study in color theory, layout, motion dynamics and technical artistry. And it is my mission, along with ToonSeum, to expose as many people as possible to the brilliance inherient in this collection.

The Collection:

I own one of, if not the largest collection of original Akira production art, cels, backgrounds and layouts. I've been collecting them since I was about 14 years old. My first piece was, by some peoples' estimates, a non concequential piece. I got it free for pre-ordering the laserdisc of Akira at my local comic shop. It was of a crowd of people walking toward the upcoming demonstration against the government's declaration of martial law, and looked somewhat like this:

Click for high res version.

It wasn't this exact cel, however. This was a replacement, the closest I could find to my original. During the dot com crash of 2001, I had to liquidate the vast majority of my collection in order to keep from losing my house. I only kept a few cels. But as times got better, I was able to buy back a good bit of my collection, plus a good many more - some coming in larger collections as the owners no longer wanted or could afford to stay in the Akira cel market.

Sometime after I began re-buying my original cels, I lucked into a key setup - a background, all of the "book" (supporting background) cels, and individual character cels that made up a scene. It was accompanied by the layouts and pencils for that setup.

This is an example of a key setup - all layers of book and backgrounds, with a cel from the sequence. Click for high res version.

The second I laid eyes on the entire arrangement, something clicked inside of me. I realized that there was far, far more to the production art of Akira than cool cels featuring neat bikes and characters I recognized. I saw the beauty in the actual technical setup and creation of the sequences. I became obsessed. I began researching sequence numbers, framecounts, layouts and the cels that went with them. I went on a hunt for backgrounds and full scenes worth of cels.

It became my mission to unify and reunite as much of this films' building blocks as I possibly could. And as I amassed my collection, the sheer volume of hand-painted work that was used to create it astounded me. It was then that I realized that there will never, ever be another movie like Akira... And everyone with any interest in it at all, be they fans, film students, animation professionals or appreciators of art, deserved to see this material in its full, complete state.

Much if not all of the original cels for early animation - Hannah Barberra, Speed Racer, Astroboy, even some Disney - were either a) buried in a landfill, b) incenerated, or if the studio was really low on funds, c) washed clean and reused on another production. Most of the stuido employess - artists included - viewed production art the same way a carpenter views sawdust - a necessary byproduct of creating a finished work. And the materials were treated thusly.

Akira's original production art made its way to America in several shipping containers, with the purpose of being distributed as freebies and incentives to entice people to buy the VHS and LaserDisc of the film. When the initiatives backfired and the market wasn't receptive to collecting the material, most if not all of it was earmarked for inceneration.

The waters become quite murky at this point, and I've never gotten the full story the same way from anyone I've asked that was even remotely close to the situation. But the bottom line is that boxes upon boxes of cels, layouts, backgrounds and drawings ended up making their way to conventions and collectible shops where they were parted out, split up, and treated rather miserably.

Until a few dedicated collectors began a mission to safeguard what is left of the collections. Myself, James "Krafty" Krefta, Howard Penner and Nichibei Anime (to name a few) all seperately and without coordinating with one another began collecting up and unifying the material we could find. Over the years, I sought out full caches of cels and artwork and bought or traded for them on the spot. When I inherited Howard Penner's collection, a good bit of the Nechiebe collection and what was left of Krafty's pieces, I became the largest private owner of Akira production artwork in the world.

The Exhibit:

The exhibit is currently broken into two phases of development. The first will be the ToonSeum launch and display, starting in April of 2010. This will consist of 80 - 100 pieces of original Akira production art, consisting of cels, backgrounds, douga (sketches) and pencil layouts.

The exhibit will feature video displays accompaning key sequences to show visitors the original clips that the cels are from, along with detailed summaries of the production of each cel and/or background. We hope to supply iPhone / smartphone users with a handheld tour app to accompany the exhibit, to expand and display even more artwork for visitors to appreciate.

In addition to the production art, there will also be a display of original film release materials and collectables, including toys, video games, theater posters and other items.

The second phase will be a travelling exhibit, displaying at the major conventions throughout 2010 and 2011. We are currently in contact with DragonCon, San Diego ComicCon, HeroesCon and WonderCon to set up and exhibit the Art of Akira Exhibit. With enough support both communial and financial, we hope to travel the exhibit to host museums and exhibit halls in New York, San Francisco, Atlanta, Chicago, Austin and Seattle, eventually taking the exhibit overseas.

The goal of the exhibit is to give the fans of Akira, students of art and film, and appreciators of quality an experience that will expand on and increase appreciation of Akira - however, this exhibit will be exciting and interesting for even the most casual visitor. Hardcore fans can bring their familes and count on their not being bored.

The Akira Exhibit promises to be an enthralling experience, sure to captivate any fan of animation and graphic storytelling, from anime enthusiast to those witnessing Otomo’s grand vision for the fist time.

How You Can Help:

Absolutely first and foremost: share this announcement and all associated pictures and videos with your friends and family. Anyone you know who is a fan of Akira, let them know this is happening. The biggest priority right now is awareness and interest - we want to know how much you're looking forward to this!

Next, anyone with any contacts directly or indirectly relating to film studios, comic publishers, artists or other interested parties who can help us get awareness for this project, please get us in contact. I've made contact with several illustrators in the comic book world who will be contributing original pieces based on Akira for auction for this exhibit. The live action movie will be coming out through Warner Brothers in 2011 - we'd love to partner with them and help promote the movie's launch with this exhibit.

Finally, we are accepting direct financial contributions at the Art of Akira Exhibit KickStarter page. Pledges are 100% secure, using Amazon Payments, and 100% of funds collected go directly to the creation of this exhibit. There are nearly 100 installations to build, pieces to frame, programs and promotional materials to build and print... And that stuff isn't free. If you have a spare fiver and want to help bring the Art of Akira to the world at large, consider pledging. I'll love you forever.

Finally, I'll leave you with high res scans of the art featured in the YouTube video I posted above. Thank you SO much for reading this and helping me make this happen.

Playing Catch-Up and New Projects and Whatnot

2010-02-01T13:07:00.004-05:00

So, as a LOT of you have noticed and emailed and tweeted and IM'd about, I've been a bit absent this January. There's some good reasons for that, but they're boring, so I'll go ahead and make one up that's far more interesting: I caught a virus that made me very sick, but when I went to the doctor, they found that it was a strain of a particular virus that actively cures rickets. So I've been off donating quarts of plasma to rickets sufferers.

That said, here's what's really been going on all month, all in one tasty digest that is serving merely as a stopgap between my next post, which is an INCREDIBLE announcement of my brand newest project that's eating my life, and my last post, arguably the most depressing thing I've posted in a while. I hope this helps the segue.

In no particular order, my activities, thoughts and reactions to January:

I ran a marathon. That's pretty intense.

Shortly after running the marathon, I became incredibly lazy. I've worked out maybe 5 days in the past 3 weeks. It's pathetic. But last week, Andrea and I made a pact to get back on the training regimen, because we have another marathon March 27, and we gotta be ready for it.

I guest-hosted PixelatedLive last week, as I do sometimes. And I was actually serious this time. If you want practical advice on surviving corporate culture, want to know why I love Mass Effect 2, or want an opinion (which has changed) on the potential of the iPad, listen.

Speaking of the iPad, I find it utterly useless for my needs, despite my original hopes. I wanted something that actually blended a laptop and an iPhone, not something that blended an iPhone with "larger". I do not thin the iPad sucks - in fact, I think it'll dominate the market for media consumption devices like the Kindle or Nook or portable DVD players. It's not meant for me, and I get that. That said, it's highly unlikely I'll own one, since everything I actually love my iPhone for (mobile push email, quick web browsing, and the apps) are already on my iPhone in a format that makes it easy to use and carry... With a camera on it.

No, I still haven't seen Avatar. But I have seen The Best Avatar Review Ever about 200 times, and can tell you it's one of the most genius productions to end up on YouTube:

I'm actually on a normal sleep schedule for the first time in months, and it's been amazing. I'm also finally past the effects of coming off all my supplements from the football training years, a subject which I have purposely been very quiet about as I lived through it - but I did chronicle everything, and there'll be a pretty heavy-duty blog post about it in the next few weeks. The delay is for two reasons: first, there's a lot to cover and it'll take a while to write, and second, it's a pretty sensitive subject with me, and I'm not quite ready to talk about it yet. But I will. I think it's important that people understand what can happen when you start hacking your body. The short version: Exactly what you want to happen... At a pretty big cost.

I have jury duty next week. That'll be a real treat. Expect LOTS of writing to occur as I sit around and wait for something to happen.

I completely reorganized my office. I love it. Here's a few pics of the final arrangement:

I have started playing Mass Effect 2 . It is, without a doubt, the most engrossing and engaging video game I've ever played. It's safely in my top 5 of all time, and I'm not even halfway through it. It's also the first game I've played since Mass Effect 1 that has demanded I keep playing way past my bedtime, and actually let me get lost and engrossed in it.

A project I've worked for, oh, 20 years to create is finally beginning to gain steam. It's my Next Big Thing. And it'll be announced tomorrow. Those of you on my Twitter and Facebook feeds have seen a little preview of it. If you're not reading those... Be jealous. Or, just jump on them and catch up, you slacker... Eh, fuck it. Here.

Another project I've had in mind for about 8 years (it actually inspired the Mentally Incontinent social editing project) is changing and adapting, and in a month or two, I'll be ready to announce it to all of you. In the meantime - are you an illustrator? Do you love comic books? Would you be interested in helping out or finding out more? Hit me up.

Yes, there's more books coming. But I really think the Mentally Incontinent days are over for me. Even though there may be more collections of my hijinks and nonsense in short-story form, the days of posting and editing and voting are over for me. The reason isn't because I don't like it - in fact, I LOVED it, and if it weren't for everyone helping me, coaching me, and directing me, there'd be exactly zero books today. But there's two now. And it's because everyone helped and made it rock. That said... Each book requires nearly five books' worth of material. And I just don't have another five books in me to create a third.

...I think that's about it. I'll try to be better at posting daily again, so I don't have to do these lame-ass catchup posts anymore.

Another Birthday In The ER

2010-01-23T22:47:00.002-05:00

It's my birthday weekend, and I spent most of the day today in the emergency room. Unfortunately for me, it's not something I'm entirely unaccustomed to. I've spent nearly 1/3 of my birthdays in my 33 years of life in the ER.

But today, it wasn't about me. A close friend of ours, Jenny Kennedy, lost her recurring battle with cancer at 8:30 this morning. We spent the day being with family and friends, and sharing stories about her life. I saw her just last night while I was helping my mother-in-law set up her brand new laptop (hence the cursing and crying about Windows, PC's, anti-virus and the like). Jenny got a huge kick out of my blunt, non-chalant method of informing just about anyone who would listen just how much I hated doing what I was doing, and was only doing it out of love.

My last moments with her, and she was laughing. Happy. Smiling. I can't say that Jenny and I were extraordinarily close, but she was very close to my wife and her mother, and a constant part of my life since I met her. She as at my wedding, my wife's high school and college graduations, my housewarming party, and every trip my mother-in-law has ever taken to the hospital or Buloxi. She knew me well enough to know who I was, what I did and how I did it, and she understood that my blunt, often brash demeanor when helping on computer crap was meant almost specifically to entertain myself while doing stuff I didn't find particularly fun. And she got a kick out of it.

I'm glad I could give her a bit to laugh about her last night here. I'm glad she was such a great friend and a part of our lives. And I will miss her, mostly for who she was for my family.

Anger As Motivation

2010-01-17T18:16:00.003-05:00

I think all creative types have something they'd consider a motivation. And in my experience, many - if not all - of them can point to some art teacher or writing instructor or parent or other force in their life that was an influence of one sort or another.

It's at that point that you begin seeing a division - those who had positive influences and those who had negative influences. And the ones who had negative influences - people who said "no" or "you can't" or "get real" or "whatever, go get a real job" will probably lie about it when asked, but if you could read their minds and dig deep into their souls, you'd find out that a lot of their motivation to succeed and be creative and produce comes from proving wrong the ghosts of their pasts.

It was for me. Maybe it still is. But something I learned very recently has caused me to begin changing my perspective and draw motivation and energy from the positive repositories in my life:

Spending your life proving everyone wrong is a complete waste of a life, because ultimately they don't actually care.

Insults are easy. They take no work whatsoever. You just hurl one and move on. Insults are heat-seeking - they'll find the target and explode, sure enough.

But what you have to understand when someone takes this easy path is that they weren't negative and derogatory because they actively wanted you to fail - that takes a form of concern, and anyone who is truly concerned with another person doesn't actually do things that take effort. No, these folks just cast off your dreams and insult your passions because they're too weak to understand passion and drive. If they actually did understand it, they'd have an empathy borne only of going through the trials of pass and failure.

People who get it will take time to give you a critique - an honest assessment of what they see and where they think you stand based on it. And that critique may FEEL uncomfortable... Sometimes, it even feels insulting. But it's not the same as being insulted. It's not dismissive and it's not easy, it takes time and effort to offer. And there's the difference - no one spends time doing something they don't care about.

And, while anyone who honestly cares about you won't blow candy-flavored smoke up your ass and fill you with false hope, they will be supportive and proud as you climb each rung of your own ladder of success. And the ones who hurl insults and try to drag you down actually don't care if you fail or make it - they're not invested. They just want to dig and stab and wile away a few hours or minutes entertaining themselves with your misery.

Teachers, parents, aunts, uncles, friends and complete strangers are all OTHER PEOPLE. And to hate them - to let them be the reason you keep pushing forward - is giving them WAY too much of yourself. The problem with being fueled by the fires of anger is that they tend to consume all of the oxygen around whatever you're doing, and you can't actually sustain the life of that project. Not to any meaningful degree, anyway. It'll die.

And don't make the mistake of thinking that, because you put the final stroke of paint on your canvas, the work is done. It's not. Art doesn't exist in forms and materials, it's the spirit of the work that speaks to the world. It's communication, and if what you just built or made is comprised of bitterness, anger, hostility or jealousy, it'll show. The art can still die after you've constructed it, especially if you've built it on such a weak foundation.

The same goes for trying to impress someone with your art. It's not an honest motivation, and that will show. And ultimately... They won't care about it nearly as much as you care about them caring about it (I had to re-read that last sentence 4 times to make sure I got it right, and I'm still not sure, but I think it is, so...). So why waste your time?

Thoughts After My First Marathon

2010-01-10T16:06:00.002-05:00

I look happy in that pic, don't I?

Well, to tell the truth, I was in quite a lot of pain. But it's the best pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I just ran a MARATHON, guys - not four hours ago. Holy crap.

So, while sitting here waiting for a dinner reservation to celebrate, I thought I'd share with you guys a few of the thoughts flying through my head right now.

First and foremost, and there's no getting around this one... This guy right here just ran a Marathon:

26.2 miles I ran. The entire last mile, I held this picture in my head. It astounded me how far I've come, and words cannot express the pride and sense of accomplishment I felt when I crossed the finish line. I cried as my wife hugged me in celebration. And there's a part of me that felt a little sting for ever letting myself get to the above photo's state, so that was a little "ow" there.

Next, it hurts like hell to run a marathon. Period. In fact, I'd say that once you get to about the 14 or 16 mile portion of your training regimen, the cardio is no longer a factor. Your cardio is good enough to go run a marathon. Everything after that point is just training your body to be able to take the pain, pressure and stress of going 26.2 miles... And there's a lot of it.

Third, that thing about the "runner's high" or "the zone" or whatever? 100% true. You get into a rhythm while running (if you've trained properly and found your pace) where, yes, it hurts and it's an effort and takes intestinal fortitude... But you're not thinking about it. Your legs are like a machine that just keeps churning. And while you THINK it'd feel pretty good to stop and walk or just sit down, the exact opposite is the case. Running actually feels the best of all three options. So, you just settle in and start churning away.

Fourth, you'd think that as you get up to miles 20 and beyond, every single mile you finish feels like such a great accomplishment and encourages you to keep going and push harder... HELL NO. All you can think is "Holy crap, this is mile 22, why the hell can't they just trust that I can do the other 4.2 miles and let me stop now?" You think about the days you only did a 2 mile run or a light jog and you think "GAH it's only 20 more minutes, just... WHY CAN'T THIS BE OVER???"

Fifth, if you're interested in ever trying a marathon... It takes work. A LOT of work. I highly recommend you start with a half marathon if you can, for purely milestone purposes. That said, ANYONE with a base level of fitness (can walk a mile without stopping, can go up a few flights of stairs, etc) can do a Marathon starting from zero in just four months of training - and anyone who can run three miles without stopping can do one in just three months. There are tons of books on the subject, but I recommend Hal Higdon's Marathon Training book.

Sixth, relating to why I did a marathon of all the things in the world I could have chosen to do... I'm done with football training. I just don't think it's in the cards for me to play pro anymore. My wife is a marathoner and triathlete, and while the past few years have seen us going to the gym together, a lot of our training was separate. She says the marathon is by far the hardest thing she's ever done, and I decided "Hell... Since I don't have a sport anymore, why not try the hardest thing ever, just to show myself I can do it?" A year ago, I never thought I'd do even a half marathon, or really even a 10k. But I wanted a statement to myself and myself alone which would signify the real difference I've made in my shape and fitness. Thus, marathon.

Seventh, I saw a pretty vast improvement in both my speed and my endurance as I lost weight during the marathon training. Going from carrying 290ish pounds three to four miles (MOST OF IT MUSCLE YOU GUYS, TOTALLY) to 250ish lbs across the same distance was, all by itself, a huge improvement in my training. I highly recommend anyone planning to try any endurance event whatsoever to explore eating plans that support proper diet and allow you to burn calories while staying energized, the weight loss alone will improve your ability to finish.

Eighth and last: HOLY FUCKING SHIT I JUST RAN A FUCKING MARATHON.

Go Bengals!

2010-01-09T16:12:00.003-05:00

I am a Bengals fan of 22 years. That is a LONG time to suffer that sort of pain, but that's how loyal I am to things I love.

When my father married my mom in 1987, he inherited my 10-year-old, totally sports-clueless rear and said "pick a team from each league. We will watch them, and if you like them, we will follow them."

I picked the New York Rangers in hockey because they were one of only two NHL hockey teams at the time that did exhibitions in Atlanta at the Omni, and the Islanders had a stupid mascot (the Gorton's fisherman is no sports mascot).

I picked the Atlanta Braves in baseball because Dale Murphy was a huge hero in Atlanta.

I picked the New York Knicks in basketball because I knew Chuck D from Public Enemy liked them.

And then, I picked the Cincinnati Bengals in football because at the time, I was really into tiger stuff (I can't really explain why now that I look back on it). And the Bengals had those nifty tiger striped helmets, so that was my team.

And then, that very year, Boomer Esiason sets a passing record and becomes the NFL MVP, and the Bengals go to the Super Bowl for the ONLY time in the 22 years I've been a fan.

Even through the 90's, after the Icky Shuffle waned and no one remembered how Anthony Munoz was the only tackle in the NFL to regularly run "tackle-eligable" as a receiver, I still proudly sported my Bengals Starter jacket and hat. And through the 2000's, when it seemed that the Cincinnati scouts hung out primarily at prison yard scrimmages to find talent, I still laid out my mother's handmade Bengals quilt and read Information Architecture blueprints by my official Sports Illustrated Bengals helmet lamp.

And in 2006, the night that the Bengals lost to the Steelers in their only playoff appearance since 1989, I did a "poetry slam" about the injury to Carson Palmer during a national competition... And came in 3rd out of 41 people (My wife and Nick "SexCPotatoes" remember that one).

So today, instead of visiting parks or seeing attractions, I sit in my suite at the Disney Animal Kingdom Lodge the afternoon before my first ever full marathon race, with room service having prepared my evening's cuisine , just so I can see my Bengals in their 3rd playoff appearance since I became a fan and 5th in my lifetime.

So, guy delivering my food, if you call me a bandwagon fan ever again, I'll fucking gut you with a Mickey Mouse emblazoned steak knife, and don't think I won't.

Bitch.

I'm In "The Atlantan"

2010-01-09T11:49:00.002-05:00

To continue the trend of talking about magazines covering me (hey, it's my blog, I can be as megalomaniacal as I want), I was told this morning by a friend of mine that I'm in the latest issue of The Atlantan magazine (skip to page 40-41 - thanks @Fallout30, http://twitter.com/Xavi7734/statuses/7560357017, and @Pride.

Now, this is interesting, because The Atlantan is basically an alt-weekly for the hoity-toity - a Creative Loafing for the well-to-do, with articles like "Which Designer Should I Use To Decorate My Piano Room?" and "How To Swim In Your Pool Made Of Cash When The Lifeguard Is On Break." So it's kinda strange for me to show up in their pages, especially as something called "The Biblio Bad Boy."

But hey, I'm there. So like, yeah. Not sure what to do with it, it's just a small blurb. But the great thing is that for the first time since the Creative Loafing article back in 2006, I'm actually being covered by my own city's rags.

NEAT!

My Weight Loss Story is The Cover Story on ACE Weekly

2010-01-07T15:33:00.003-05:00

If you're bored and curious about my weight loss / fitness story, including some pretty embarrassing "before" photos and anticdotes, ACE Weekly, the Lexington, KY weekly magazine has it as their cover story this week. If you live in the area, you can pick it up on stands, and if not, you can read it online:

The big image on the front page links to a PDF of the article, but some people are reporting trouble downloading it - so I've hosted a mirror of it here. So if you're so bored you want to read about fat Joe becoming less-than-fat-Joe, have at it :)

A New Year's Reminder - The Rules of the Gym

2010-01-05T23:43:00.003-05:00

My trip to the gym last night reminded me of one of the most popular posts I've ever written, explaining the rules of the gym. Click on that if you've never read it, or even if you have - I don't care. Just click on it. NOW.

It's still relevant. And, as far as I could tell from looking at all the idiots at the gym last night, it's not being shared by as many folks as it should be, which is everyone ever. So please, do me a huge favor - link the post everywhere. Print it out and post it at your gym. Rent a sky-writing plane and share it far and wide with everyone. Because with all the New Years Resolution folks at the gym, I saw at least 15 flagrant fouls in the first 10 minutes alone.

And as far as that goes, no, I do not hate or resent New Years Resolution people at the gym. I celebrate any and all opportunities for people to put a pin in a map and say "I want to be here." The people I resent are the ones who aren't showing up in February and beyond. Those are the folks who I wish would just decide to stop NOW and free up the treadmills for those of us who actually take ourselves and our wellbeing seriously.

Speaking on this point, here's a video by my friends DigiTribe that shows, in rather hilarious fashion, the exact progression of the type of people I'm talking about:

So yeah, PLEASE share the Rules of the Gym with everyone you know, even if they can't read. Because if you don't I'm going to end up killing them, and I sincerely doubt you want everyone you know to die.

Aries Spears Rap Impressions

2010-01-04T10:52:00.000-05:00

Okay, not my typical post, but being a rap and hip-hop fan, this absolutely blew my mind:

So Far, Not The Last Decade is Going Great

2010-01-03T04:41:00.000-05:00

I ripped my entire office apart down to the floorboards, emptied it, cleaned it, and moved things back in in a new order.

This is what it looks like so far:

The chair and the lamp on the left were Christmas presents to myself. I FINALLY own an Aeron at home - and in just one day, it's made a HUGE difference. I can sit comfortably for hours at a time and get work done without needing to get up and move around. My legs don't go numb. I sit higher at the desk, which means I can move the two top monitor stands back and actually sit OVER my Cintiq, so I can finally remove the hunk of wood I used to prop the back legs up and move the monitor more "vertical."

The lamp is a Herman Miller "Leaf" lamp, and it was a total spoil-myself purchase. I've wanted a cold-warm light lamp since I was a teenager, but back then, they were thousands of dollars. Now, I can finally afford one, and dammit, I own one.

Resetting my workspace has been HUGE for me. Before the reorg, I had stacks of Akira cels and books all over my office. It's one of those situations where you just don't realize the towers of disorganization that you are building around yourself until one day, you arrive home from being on the road and realize you can't even see the walls behind your desk due to the stacks of crap everywhere.

I've finally ordered bookshelves for my office as well, so I can move all my references up to a much more handy spot than all the way downstairs in the library.

All in all, the past three days have been - by all accounts - fantastic. I've started my year the best way possible, and kept the momentum rolling. Hopefully I'll be able to elaborate on my new projects with you tomorrow, but there's still some preparations that need to happen first. We'll see :)

A New Years Resolution - Positivity

2010-01-02T19:35:00.001-05:00

Here's a thing that I'm doing (with Andrea) that I'm encouraging everyone to try this year:

I've a bad habit of making fun of myself. I make disparaging remarks about my physique, my lack of writing ability, how lame my book is compared to (insert writer here)'s book, etcetera. And while, yes, most of the time I'm just trying to get a laugh, it's also true that thought preceeds action.

So, from now on, before taking the pot-shot at myself, I'm going to try to say something positive instead. It may not be in the same vein, and sometimes it might not even be aloud or written. But I'm not going to allow myself to tear myself down anymore. It's not that I suffer horribly from a low self opinion, but like everyone, I do get down on myself a good bit. And I think that this is the first step toward not doing that (or at the very least, doing it less).

At first, it feels fake and silly. I can't really believe myself when I say the good stuff, because I know the whole point was to erase or redact the negativity. But I can tell you from experience, this DOES work - and I know it'll work again. I had to do this exercise when I was a youngster going through counseling for other stuff, and in a few months, it really did change my outlook on things - not the least of which was my own self.

So if you find yourself digging at yourself, especially in front of others, give this a try. But don't just give it a day or two and then shrug at how silly you feel. If you trust me, I encourage you to commit to it for at least two months. Sixty days, that is. And since you have to live through the next sixty days anyway, you might as well try doing it with a positive attitude - you'll end up two months older either way. Why not try a way that'll make you feel better?

Happy Not The Last Decade

2010-01-01T23:46:00.001-05:00

Here's hoping the first day of the new decade was super neat for you. They say the first day of the new year sets the tone for the rest of the year. In that case, mine will be pretty darned great.

For those of you who found yourself face down in a pile of what you ate yesterday afternoon with your knickers around your knees and the word "cock" written on your forehead with Sharpie... Well, look at it this way - if you can keep the video of it from hitting YouTube before midnight, the year might just work out after all.

As for what my year/decade will look like, I'll elaborate tomorrow. For now, I'm gonna go finish setting the tone for it.

What To Call The Next Decade

2009-12-31T00:40:00.003-05:00

There has been a lot of discussion about what to call the next decade.

Many folks are advocating calling it "Twenty Ten", dropping the "Two-Thousand" designation we've been using the past 10 years. Others are calling it "Aught Ten" or "Two Thousand And Ten" or some other variation, just to be smartasses.

I am calling it "Not The Last Decade." As in tomorrow will be January 1, Not The Last Decade. I realize Not The Last Decade is not a number, and honestly, I just don't care, because I'm just that excited about the fact that this fucking decade is just about over.

The 2000's sucked. Period.

Music sucked. The 2000's saw The Blackeyed Peas go from being at least somewhat legit to a total pop act which got Will.I.Am in the stupid Wolverine movie - another product of the 2000's. Lady Fucking Gaga - need I say more? Yes? Okay fine - The New Kids On The Block got back together this decade. And don't even get me started on goddamn mashups... With the very notable exception of Jaydiohead, mashups are horrible malformations of waveforms that make untalented people seem clever.

The 2000's also saw popped-collar marketing douchebags calling themselves "Social Media Experts" and pissing all over my glorious internet. The locals have been shoved out to make room for the tourists who have no idea, appreciation or understanding of just what went into making this here thing what it is. Seriously, fuck you Kevin Rose.

We also saw the gross bastardization of some beautiful stories in the 2000's as Hollywood figured out that "Graphic Novel" basically equaled "Storyboard for a movie." The Watchmen movie has been covered here before, but nothing can forgive that hunk of shit that was 300. And while I loved Iron Man, Spider Man (and Spider Man 2), X-Men 2 and the second Incredible Hulk, those stories are of iconic characters who have been used in other properties years and years ago. They weren't original stories transferred to film for the purpose of making dollars on a trend.

And let's not forget the 8 years we suffered under "President" Bush. I think anyone who thought those 8 years were great should seriously go fuck themselves with a spear. Die, seriously. You're a waste of oxygen and food that could be used for hungry, needy people with actual purpose on this planet.

So yeah, I'm fucking done with this decade. While I had my own successes during this time with my books and other projects, by and large, I've hated this decade. So I'm calling every year for the next ten years "Not The Last Decade." And while it may make it harder for the people cashing the checks I write, I think it's worth their pain to get my point across.

Good fucking riddance, 2000's. You will not be missed.

Authors, Writers and Wannabes (Who Are Also Douchebags)

2009-12-30T12:41:00.007-05:00

Hi, I'm Joe Peacock. I've had a book published by a major publisher, and before that I self-published a book. And before that, I wrote short stories and blog posts on the internet. And before that, I kept journals.

So, I guess I'm qualified to talk about the differences between Authors, Writers, Working Writers and Wannabes (AKA: Douchebags). And if I'm not... Who's going to stop me? It's not like anyone else has the login to my server [I disagree. -Jeremy]. So fuck it.

Authors: have constructed a body of work (book, article, paper) and published it. Self-published or through a publishing house, either way. Not necessarily a working writer, and not necessarily concerned with the art and craft of the written word. Mathematicians can be authors. So can painters.

Writers: The short version: Writers write. They're never not writing. They are students of the written word; always looking for new ways to express ideas through the act of writing. They keep journals, or they blog, or they write articles or they write novels... It can't be stopped. The words pour out. And Writers don't necessarily have to be read to be Writers. In fact, Writers may or may not want to be read, but they MUST write.

Working Writers (AKA: Those who have the right to, when asked "What do you do?", answer "I'm a writer"): Take the above definition of Writer. Add the fact that this person received a check for an amount of money for a piece of writing, deposited it or cashed it at the bank, and the check cleared. You have a Working Writer. Now, Authors may have done the same thing - but remember that Authors aren't really students of writing, they just compose works which include written words. Writers are not necessarily Authors. Authors aren't necessarily Writers. But a Working Writer is an Author. Make sense? No? Too bad, I'm kinda bored with this point, because I now want to talk about:

Wannabes (AKA: Douchebags): Blah. Blah blah blah blah. This is what you hear out of the mouth of a Wannabe - first they disparage the unfair bias of The Industry because they can't get published and are too lazy (or weak) to self-publish. Then, they won't shut the fuck up about their work... Regardless of whatever else you may have been talking about beforehand. They mention their "short fiction" while giving directions to the interstate. They bring up their book during discussions on the weather (usually on Dark and Stormy Nights). They've participated in and failed to finish NaNoWriMo, usually only once, and usually a few years ago, but it STILL HURTS. They go on and on about how tedious and tiring and laborious the job of writing is, forgetting that every job on Earth can (and probably should) be that if it's worth doing - but unlike actual Writers, they can't see past that stuff to realize the good parts, because they're too busy focusing on the lifestyle of the tortured artist.

Now, the point of all of this isn't just to vent (okay, maybe that's part of it, but not the whole point). It's to illustrate for you and everyone else that, if you've found yourself walking through a Starbucks with a pencil behind your ear mentioning your book or writing to strangers - WITHOUT BEING ASKED - in the hopes that maybe they'll be interested in hearing your ego-feeding tale of artistry and pain... You might want to try shutting up, sitting down, and writing it out.

It may or may not result in your becoming an Author or Working Writer, but at the very least, it'll keep me from crushing a cup of hot coffee out of frustration, burning my hand and wrist and wasting two dollars and ten cents... You fucking douchebag.

On Motherfuckers

2009-12-28T12:02:00.003-05:00

As you may or may not know, in addition to writing HILARIOUSLY FUNNY THINGS, I also do some web development. Yes, even still. Despite what you (and I, for a long long time) may think, writing doesn't actually pay. And while you CAN write in the dark, it's really preferred that you have some electricity handy - either for your computer or, at the very least, for the lamp near your legal pad and feather quill. Makes things better. So to pay that bill, I consult.

So, a year and a half ago, I made the incredible mistake of trusting someone's recommendation for a client. This client is a leading manufacturer of a particular summer recreation product that you have most certainly heard of. And they fucking suck.

Everything about them, from day one, smelled wrong. The current "IT Professional" running their site was bitter, hostile and uncooperative. I thought this was because HE was a motherfucker himself, but would soon learn it was because he'd been ridden roughshod and was now on the brink of snapping. So, my company inherited his mess of a site, and we rebuilt it and it was pretty damn decent.

And then, it came time to invoice them. And I saw no money.

I called. I begged. I pleaded. I visited in person. And at the end of almost 9 months of hammering on them, I was eventually paid 1/3 the final price - which sucks, because I'd paid my developers 100% of the final price, leaving me 2/3 in the hole.

Now, I know I could have just yanked the plug and left them hanging, but I'm not that type of person. I'd much rather just eat the dough and learn a lesson and move on with my life. Which is what I did. And every month since then (October of last year), I've gotten an email from the president of the company - the man I sat face to face with and practically begged to pay me - which would ask how I was doing, and if I was interested in more work.

This is the very man who left me hanging on 2/3 of the bill. So rather than snapping and yelling, I'd just ignore him. Then, early last week, he emailed saying he's ready to pay the final amount he owes me.

This got my attention.

I finally responded and asked him if I should resubmit the invoice, or if he has a copy. He asked that I come to the office (an hour drive) to pick it up. I said "How about no, and you just mail me a check?" and he said that, with the holidays and delays, he'd rather just write me one and hand it to me.

So, like a dummy, I got in the car this morning and drove up to meet him. And at this "office" (which is actually a condo block converted to office spaces), security has to buzz you both into and out of the office. So once I buzzed in, I proceeded into the president's office, where I was greeted with a bright fake smile and a handshake and an offer.

"We'd like to roll your final payment for the past work into a down payment on new work," he said.

I immediately countered saying that I was uninterested in doing any further work for this company, and I'd like to be paid what I was owed. I spent my own time during my holiday to come to this office and I'd hate to leave empty handed.

He responded that this new project would be worth my while, and that I should hear him out. And so I sat and I listened as he described a new feature of his company's site where customers could customize full kits of this particular product, much like the Nike ID site allows you to customize shoes. And with almost every single sentence that came out of this asshole's mouth, the price kept climbing.

By the end of it, I told him that, just off the top of my head, I spec'ed this job out to be at least $10,000 and that there was no way I could take it on unless they paid the entire amount in full up front, over and above what they already owed me.

He made a face like I'd just farted, and said that the developer they were currently using estimated this would cost between $1500 and $2000 dollars.

I wanted to pull the man's head off of his neck and throw it against the wall. But because that'd be messy and I was wearing a new sweater (one my wife says I look "totally hot" in), and I'd HATE to ruin that sweater, I opted for a more professional approach. I said "well, let me know how he does." I stood up and turned to leave.

"But wait!" the president said. "Aren't you interested in new work?"

I turned and said "Write me a check for the amount you owe me right this second, and I'll consider it."

He said "Well, we'd need to roll that into a down payment for the new work with an agreement..."

I turned and I left. And as dramatic an exit as I'd hoped that'd have been, it was completely foiled by the fact that the security guy had to buzz me out the door, and he wasn't at his desk as I approached. So I had to stand there and wait for the guy to get back, all the while the president of this shitty company is hammering me to take on the new project. It was a very uncomfortable minute and a half.

And that, my friends, is the very definition of a motherfucker. And I share this with you for one reason and one reason only:

Trust is a commodity. And once you've decided to put your trust in someone, you need to understand that any failure in that trust is really your own fault. Disappointment comes from failure to meet expectations, and we are in direct control of our own expectations of others.

But that doesn't excuse the other party from being a motherfucker.

Wishes of Holiday Good Pleasance and Stuff

2009-12-23T14:09:00.002-05:00

It's been a strange, strange holiday season. This year, for the first time in ever, the holiday spirit - something which usually infects my wife and I somewhere around November 1st and drives us jolly mad - has been absent. And it's been really difficult to even recognize it, since we've both been so busy.

But I'd like to take this opportunity to share with you what we had to figure out ourselves - it's not too late. There's still a few days left to capture that zeal and merriment which makes this time of year so festive and joyful. All you have to do is try.

If you're sitting wondering why no one has taken the time or effort to spread cheer your way, it's your job to get out of your own funk by spreading it for others. That alone will help you capture it. And if people are trying to spread it and you just don't feel the mood striking you, try faking it. You'd be surprised how great you begin to feel even when you're just trying.

In just a few short days, we've managed to grab this season by the scruff of the neck and tell it "Listen, season, you're GOING to be merry, or you'll be sorry." And I hope you're able to do the same.

Now, if you're one of those perpetually happy types for whom being jolly takes no effort... Well, go fuck yourself, because you make those of us who have to work for it totally sick.

Unintentionally Funny is the Best Funny

2009-12-21T15:05:00.004-05:00

A good friend of mine's father started a golf product line a few years ago, and it's gaining some attention in places. I've only casually paid attention, as it is a) golf related and b) my friend's father, two things I don't regularly keep up on. But he showed me his father's soon-t0-air bit for his product line on Golf Shopping Network.

Now, I know jack shit about golf. I also know jack shit about golf products, and I know double jack shit about marketing golf stuff. So I had no idea there was even a such thing as the Golf Shopping Network, nor did I know you could film spots for it or sell product through it.

I only share it now with you because it was filmed weeks ago, long before any Tiger Woods crap became a national pasttime to follow, and there's one line in here about 2/3 of the way through (about 3:00) that had me snorting Coke Zero through my nostrils:

Asking this bleached blonde pseudo-actress if she has Tiger's number... Well, you may not find it as funny as I did. But I did. So whatever.

On Change

2009-12-19T16:51:00.004-05:00

Things change.

That's just how shit goes. You can fight it, you can cry about it, you can hate it all you want. Things change. There is no trick to accepting or dealing with this. You just have to, or you live the rest of your life being miserable about how different things are. It's hard and it hurts and it takes effort to handle it.

Now, if it's not hard, or if it doesn't hurt, things didn't really change - they just look different. They're still the same, you just don't realize it. When things DO change, for real, it hurts, if for no other reason than you realize that everything you know (or thought you knew) about a situation is wrong, and there's no easy way to handle that. If you don't believe me, ask anyone who has lost their religion.

When you realize that things have changed - not while you're suffering through it, but after all that pain and anguish... The moment of clarity you experience when you see the world for what it is through the fog of what you thought it was - that's when you have your choice. That's when you can either rebel, and attempt to push everything around on the board back where it was so that the playing field looks more familiar, or you can learn the new rules and work your ass off to get good at the new game.

As for me, I'm not one to ever give up. I never have. I have quit things before, because there's no shame in realizing you're not made for a thing or a place and leaving it. But I've never surrendered, and I've never given up. Quitting is a decision, surrender is the abandonment of spirit. And I've been through an insane amount of change the past, oh, three months or so. The world is different now.

It's a short, small statement, but it means everything to me at this point in time. The world is different now. And I'm learning how to live in it. And it's taken everything I have, and it's asking for more. But I can make more.

Ego vs. Id (or some shit)

2009-12-18T07:58:00.000-05:00

“There is no limit to what can be accomplished if it doesn't matter who gets the credit.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

That's pretty true. And it's something else I struggle with, in addition to the whole "Gosh, wouldn't it be swell if I was an artist?" thing. Why does my ego get in the way of my accomplishments?

Maybe it's because we humans know inherently that our lives on this planet are, in the grand scheme of things, insignificant dots of existence - a rounding error in the total number of years the world has existed. We instinctively want to make the most of it; to leave our mark and feel that our presence will, in some way, be noted.

We want so desperately to be more than time seems to want to allow us to be. We toil and we struggle, making whatever impacts we can on whichever lives cross our paths. We labor to be considered in the annuls of history instead of merely footnotes - or worse, the parts edited out for length.

We don't want to matter, we NEED to matter. It's imperative to our nature.

Or, maybe we're all just selfish fucks who want to buy jetskis and drink Moet with the money we got for being so clever.

It's one or the other. I haven't figured out which yet.