BG News Food Blog

This post brought to you by the letter P

2010-12-21T19:51:54Z

Let me start this post with a simple question:

"If you could only eat food that started with one letter, what letter would that be?"

It's an interesting question, especially since the food universe is so diverse in naming and the line between ingredients and food is often blurred. For example, how would you classify certain types of pie? Would apple pie fall under the letter A, or would it fall under the letter P?

Therefore, before I reveal the answer -- which actually has already been revealed by the title of this post -- here's the ground rules.

1. We're not getting into the nitty-gritty details, bread is bread, not rye bread or wheat bread, for this question all bread is the same.

2. That being said, it must be pretty publicly accepted that the food would be considered in a category -- such as dinner rolls in the bread family -- therefore, baked potatoes, hash browns, potato skins, baked potatoes, mashed potatoes, would fall under the label potato family.

3. Flavoring doesn't allow a food to transcend from one letter to another, the food must stay in one category and not jump from one letter to another willy-nilly.

With the rules in place, we come to our answer -- the letter P.

Through years of research, and posing this question to random people I've shared meals with, I've come to the conclusion that the letter P is pinnacle of the food pyramid when posed with this brain-tingling question.

Consider the facts:

Pancakes, pasta, pizza all start with P -- I could live off those three foods alone -- and all three are amazingly easy to customize. You could eat just those three foods, slightly tampering with each recipe (adding different toppings to the pizza, mixing different meats with the pasta, adding chocolate chips to the pancakes) and not have the same meal two times in a row, ever.

Those three foods also cover the essentials; breakfast, lunch and dinner. Also, if you'll notice from the video below, P-related foods are the key cogs of Michael Phelps ridiculous diet. It it's good enough for an Olympian, it's good enough for me.

Of course, there is the all powerful potato, so many tasteful inventions have spawned from this spud.

Some other notable P foods:

1. Peppermint -- A flavoring? maybe, but after Max's hateful words yesterday it needed to have some defense.

2. Plums, peaches, pears, pineapple, pomegranate, peas -- Fruits and vegetables, the letter P's got 'em.

3. Peanuts and peanut butter -- Crunchy peanut butter is better by the way.

Tell peppermint to take a holiday

2010-12-21T03:22:37Z

Whoever invented the candy cane is probably rolling over in his grave right now.

While eating a candy cane is an acceptable way to celebrate the holiday season, some people take it too far. Perfectly good food doesn't need an infusion of peppermint or mint flavoring when radio stations start playing Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving.

This wintertime mint obsession seems to span everything from coffee to desserts. Although most mint-flavored food makes me wince, there are a few exceptions.

In honor of the holidays, I've compiled a list of the worst mint flavored foods and a list of mint flavored foods and things that are okay to put past your lips, on occasion.

THE MINT MONSTER STRIKES AGAIN

The top five worst mint-flavored foods

Peppermint, mint milkshakes: Who thought it would be a good idea to throw a candy cane, Listerine and ice cream into a blender? This also includes mint-flavored ice cream.

Peppermint Mocha at Starbucks: Grab a Caramel Brulee Latte instead.

Cool Mint Oreos: There's a much better holiday version with red cream filling that doesn't taste like toothpaste.

Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies: These are just okay right out of the freezer, otherwise grab some Peanut Butter Patties. Only 30 days until Girl Scout cookie season!

Peppermint hot chocolate: Marshmallows would kill mint in a cage match.

WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS?

Five somewhat tolerable mint-flavored foods and other things

Candy canes: It's always fun to celebrate, but the candy canes need to disappear with the lights long before Valentines Day.

York Peppermint Pattie: You can't hate a classic.

Butter mints: Nothing could do a better job at getting rid of the aftertaste of breadsticks from Campus Pollyeyes.

Peppermint Bark: Although I just tried this last week, I will defend it until the end.

Toothpaste, dental floss, mouthwash, gum: Please, at least twice a day or after every meal.

Take a bite out of these shockingly vegan foods

2010-04-09T16:05:36Z

If I were to make a list of the things that scare me, it would be as short and unusual as Lady GaGa's Crayola-yellow wig.

No. 1: Suffocating underneath my comforter. I can't put my head under a blanket for more than five seconds without suffering from a severe case of claustrophobia. It made fort-making as a child incredibly awkward.

No. 2: Answering phone calls from numbers not in my caller ID. Part of me imagines the dude from "Scream" is on the other end.

No. 3: Vegan food. It's tasteless and pushed by the agenda of crazy, animal-loving, naked people. (Shudder.)

But as one gets older, one must start to face her fears. And seeing as every time one of these three confronts me, there is no bolt of lightning and no horse whinny like the one Dr. Frankenstein received after saying, "Frau Blücher." Perhaps I have less to fear than I imagined.

I still won't keep my head under a blanket for any extended length of time. And I'll probably still wince every time 10 unknown numbers show up on my cell. But today, I take a step in the right direction, for all of us quaking over the idea of "vegan" anything.

I Can't Believe It's Vegan!

Here is a list of unbelievably vegan foods. It can make even the heartiest meat-eater among us become a shining example of animal rights activism. Go ahead, face your fear, feel good about yourself. Get the complete list at http://www.peta.org/accidentallyVegan/default.asp.

Apple Jacks

Betty Crocker Bisquick

Blow pops

Bubble Tape gum

Cap'n Crunch Cereal Peanut Butter Crunch

Cocoa Puffs

Cracker Jacks

Doritos spicy sweet chili flavored Tortilla chips

Dots

Duncan Hines creamy home-style Frosting (chocolate)

Famous Amos sandwich cookies

Fritos (original and barbecue)

Frosted Flakes

Fruit By the Foot

Ghirardelli hot chocolate

Green Giant cream style sweet corn

Healthy Choice garden vegetable soup

Jell-O instant pudding (pistachio, banana crème, lemon and vanilla)

Keebler animal crackers

Keebler Ready crust pie crusts (graham cracker)

Kool-Aid drink mix

Krispy Kreme fruit pies

Lay's Stax

Lay's yellow corn chips

Life cereal

Red Bull energy drink

Rice Krispies

Discover summer's juiciest secret

2010-04-09T16:04:21Z

The two most precious things about summer have to be making new discoveries and eating big, fat watermelons. And if I were to name a third, it would probably be watching shirtless Jake down the street mow the neighbor's lawn. But let's keep that between you and me.

As luck would have it, during the nicest day of the year so far, I have seen the first two precious summarizing aspects of my list combine in the most wonderful way. While surfing the Internet this afternoon looking for something to write this very food column about, I came across the coolest Web site (enter precious thing numero uno). And the title of the Web site? The official site of the National Watermelon Promotion Board (enter precious thing numero dos).

I've compiled just a few gems from this godsend of a site, www.watermelon.org. If you can tear yourself away from the 70-degree weather to get down to Kroger and buy one of summer's most cherished edibles, I promise you won't be disappointed.

Watermelon Yogurt Mint Smoothie

(Watermelon, Honey, Mint, Yogurt, Cinnamon)

Ingredients:

1-to-2 cups seedless watermelon chunks

1 tablespoon honey

1 tablespoon fresh mint leaves or to taste

1 cup lemon yogurt

Dash cinnamon

Instructions:

Puree the watermelon, honey and mint quickly -- do not over blend. Pulse in the yogurt and cinnamon until smooth.

Serves: one or two.

Maple Citrus Watermelon Glazed Chicken

(Watermelon, Chicken, Maple Syrup, Lemon, Soy Sauce, Garlic, Ginger)

Watermelon Glaze Ingredients:

2 cups watermelon puree

Juice from 3 fresh lemons

1 tablespoon lemon zest

1/2 cup maple syrup

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

Instructions:

Simmer ingredients together in a heavy saucepan for 20 minutes or until sauce is thick.

Servings: Makes 2 cups. Keep warm.

Chicken Ingredients:Skinless, boneless chicken breast splits

2 cups pineapple juice

1/2 cup soy sauce

1 tablespoon minced fresh ginger

3 cloves minced fresh garlic

Instructions: Place the chicken in a large zipper-lock bag with rest of the ingredients, and seal tightly. Allow to marinate at least two hours or up to 12. Grill until cooked and arrange on a warm platter. Pour the glaze over the chicken and serve immediately.

Serves: eight.

Watermelon Cupcakes

(Watermelon, Cupcakes, Pineapple Cream Cheese Frosting, Sprinkles)

Ingredients:

8 cupcake liners

8 cupcake shaped pieces of seedless watermelon, (see below)

2 cups pineapple cream cheese frosting Sprinkles for garnish

Instructions:

Place the liners in an 8-cup cupcake tin. Cut 3-inch thick slices of seedless watermelon. Cut round cupcake-sized pieces from the slices. Put a watermelon "cupcake" in each liner. Place a dollop of frosting on each cupcake. Decorate as desired with sprinkles.

Serves: eight.

Sleep over snacks satisfy the 8-year-old in us all

2010-04-09T16:02:55Z

The first time I ever hosted a sleep over, I was in 2nd grade, and the girl I invited kicked my then-5-year-old brother off of the top of my bunk bed because she didn't want his cooties. Also, she pressured me into reading this really scary book I didn't want to read. In the dark. Which meant getting into my bedroom closet, as it was only six in the afternoon when she decided to call on Bloody Mary and scare the living crap out of me.

Needless to say, it wasn't the quintessential makeover-giving, pillow-slinging, giggle-inducing little girl's sleep over. In fact, I look on that day as a dark mark on my otherwise bare forearm of party-hosting.

But this weekend, I have one of those re-do opportunities available to few and coveted by many (including, but not limited to Tiger Woods, O-Town, Bill Buckner and George Pickett). My sister's 8th birthday is this weekend, and I'm chaperoning. I'm also in charge of snacks.

Technicolor Drinks

One really easy spruce up to any party's clear beverages is to make brightly colored ice cubes ahead of time. Each tray should boast a different color (unless the party is themed toward a single color) of Kool-aid ice cubes. Once added to Sprite, these ice cubes melt and mix partygoers' drinks into brews worthy of Dorothy and Toto.

Critter Crunch

Another meal-plan friendly party snack is called Critter Crunch. The recipe I found came from Betty Crocker, but the idea transcends any real hard and fast rule, so use what you can and have fun. One way to make it is to mix animal crackers, Teddy Grahams, pretzels, yogurt-covered raisins and M&Ms into a big bowl and dish out into colored ice-cream cones.

Full Moons (aka Stuffed Crescent Rolls)

This next idea is as unbelievably delicious as it is easy. Break open a tube of crescent rolls, and before you turn them over into those picture-perfect bundles, layer on your favorite spread. Peanut butter is a sure-fire winner, and jam or jelly can be light and festive. The best idea though, is to use Nutella (or the off brand version like, cough, yours truly) for a yummy chocolate alternative.

Make-Your-Own Mystic Pizza

Plain old English muffins get a severe makeover when slathered with sweet and salty pizza sauce. If you have to use spaghetti sauce, no one will know. Leave out a variety of shredded cheese and toppings, being sure to give partiers the option of some weird selections. Try adding mango, bacon, avocado or cashews to the standard green pepper and pepperoni choices.

Soak up spring with homemade facials and scrubs

2010-04-09T16:01:23Z

The thermometer is finally starting to read temperatures that don't belong to the Artic that we've come to terms within Ohio, and all over campus, students are emerging from their Ugg-boots-and-BG-sweats hibernation outfits. To be quite honest, I'm not sure it's warm enough for some of the booty-revealing short shorts and the barely-there flyaway skirts I've been seeing around campus, but I guess once the temps hit 50, you might as well declare the University a full-fledged, summer-obsessed disaster zone.

Instead of fighting it, I donned the season's first pair of flip flops, and convinced myself that the sun shining on my feet was making them warmer than they felt. I also had to convince myself to do a little sprucing to the terribly pale and much ignored feet I had been hiding all winter.

In honor of spring (and less clothing on campus in general), I've compiled a few food-based recipes that will get your skin all ready to be bared. Keep in mind, food only goes on parts of your body--not in them.

Tomato Facial Mask

1 tomato (Outtakes has canned)

1 tsp. lemon juice

1 tsp. instant oatmeal

Put all of the ingredients into a blender, and puree them together until smooth.

Slather all over your face and let it soak in for about 20 minutes. The acid in the tomato and the lemon is great for oily skin and other blemishes, and the oatmeal reveals the pretty skin stuck below the surface of the dry skin. Rinse with plenty of warm water.

Milk and Water Foot Soak

7 cups of water

2 cups of milk

For pretty, soft and touchable feet, mix water and milk in a pot on the stove or in a Tupperware bowl in the microwave. Heat the mixture to as hot as you can stand it, but please don't go all XXX and try to prove you're awesome because you can stand such high temperatures. Once heated, put the milk mixture in large bowl and soak your feet in it for at least 10 minutes. After you've enjoyed your soak, rinse your tootsies with clear water and pat dry. Lotioning after this process seals in the moisture.

Brown Sugar Scrub

1 cup brown sugar

1/2 cup oil

1 tsp. vitamin E (You can get this by cutting open a couple Vitamin E liquid gel caps)

1/2-1 tsp. vanilla extract

To make this sweet smelling and really easy body scrub, simply mix the ingredients together. The vitamin E and vanilla extract are extras, so if you can't get your hands on either one, no worries. The best oil to use is almond oil, but seeing as that can get really pricy, any oil you can get your hands on should do the trick. After washing in the shower, rub the scrub on your skin from head to toe. Rinse with cooler water and pat dry for best end results.

Easy dumplings stick to the pot and to the 'Man' while still tasting good

2010-03-05T21:51:27Z

Most of the time, I live my life like the squirrels on campus live theirs.

I do what I have to get done, stick pretty much to myself and try to draw as little attention to myself as possible.

But there are other things I have in common with the squirrels. I spend most of my life looking for food to eat, and everyone knows that beneath my go-with-the-flow attitude, I'm really up to no good.

Think about the last time you spent a nice afternoon outside the Union, eating a sandwich, engaging in a staring contest with that innocent-looking squirrel. He seemed as though he was just enjoying sharing the common space of the world with his human brother or sister. But really, you knew he was sizing you up, weighing his chances to steal that meatball sub right out of your greasy fingers.

In my own subtle way, I'm always looking for ways to stick it to the Man. If you're like me, less of an outright rabble-rouser and more of a sneak-extra-packets-of-Splenda-into-you-coat-pockets type of corporate Erin Brockovich, you're going to love this week's recipe.

STICK-IT-TO-THE-MAN DUMPLINGS

Homemade anything sounds all hoity-toity, not to mention extremely expensive. But never fear! You too can make "homemade" deep-fried Chinese dumplings out of the things that are in your fridge (and from a lot of things you can buy on campus). Consider it a tiny middle finger to those haughty culinary know-it-alls.

You'll need:

Flour, water, meat, veggies, oil, seasonings and honey

Really. That's it.

Pour about a cup of flour (one cup yields enough to feed two comfortably) into a bowl and start to add water. In the end you should get a ball of dough that isn't hard or dry but isn't sticky either. Cover with a wet paper towel and let sit.

The filling is your canvas for creativity. I like to use leftover chicken or pork (you can get chopped up grilled chicken at Outtakes in Offenhauer that work just perfectly for this) diced and mixed with whatever veggies I can find.

Put all your ingredients into a skillet, and sauté in butter and honey. If you like a little heat, now is the perfect time to add chili powder and pepper. Once cooked all the way through, put the filling onto a plate to cool.

In the same skillet, heat up about half an inch of oil. While the oil is heating, take tablespoon-sized pieces of dough, and flatten them into discs. You've got to make the dough as thin as possible, or you are going to have a thick and nasty failure on your hands.

Onto the thin circle of dough goes a tablespoon of filling. Fold the dough so you have a half-moon shaped dumpling, and crimp the edges closed with a fork.

Carefully drop the dumpling in the oil. Keep a close eye on the cooking because it will be perfect and brown and delicious in no time. Drain onto a plate with a paper towel to wick up the extra oil.

This perfectly easy and tasty meal can be finished with any number of things that can be bought on campus -- Uncle Ben's rice, Ramen noodles or bagged salads make delicious choices.

Deep-fried fruit satisfies sinful cravings

2010-03-05T21:49:47Z

The hardest part of my day is facing myself in the mirror and coming to terms with my freshman 15 (and my sophomore 20 and my junior 25).

Considering the horrific things going on in our world, I guess this little dilemma doesn't rank too high on the things-that-are-actually-important list. But similar to the way Main Street gets a little hazy when you're looking at it Saturday night through your beer goggles, my bedroom mirror seems to become the fun house mirror from hell any time my self-esteem is low and my pity-party-tolerance is high.

At times such as these, most would probably suggest I suck it up, wipe the snot off from under my pathetically dripping nose and make a trip down to the ol' Rec Center.

My vegan friend advocates less processed foods; my meat-eating friend has been known to offer me a bite of the half-eaten burger in his book bag. I've tried everything from adding more fiber to using less carbs, drinking more water to eating less sugar. One time I tried to eat only fruit and protein shakes (and an entire bag of colored marshmallows when my roommate wasn't looking).

At this point I bet you think I'm going to give you a recipe for a healthy, and probably meal-plan-friendly, easy-peasy meal. Instead, let me introduce you to my new favorite guilty pleasure: deep-fried avocados.

Deep-fried avocados, recipe for satisfaction

1 cup of beer

2 cups of flour

A pinch of garlic powder

A pinch of salt

A pinch of pepper

Vegetable oil (enough to get about 1/4 inch up the side of a pan)

2 avocados

Start by pouring your oil into a pan and heating it over medium-high heat. Mix together the beer, flour, garlic powder, salt and pepper. This is the most important time to make sure the taste is right. Once you like the taste, judge the consistency of the batter. If it's too runny, add more flour. If it's too gloppy, add more beer. In the end, you should have a batter that is thick enough to grip the avocado without becoming too heavy on the slices. Let this stand while you peel the avocados and cut each into six wedges.

In general, the colder the avocado, the easier it will stay together during this whole process. Also, the cooler temps help the batter stick the best. You'll know your oil is ready to go when a splash of water dances on the surface.

Dredge each piece of avocado in the batter, shake off any excess and drop into the oil. These things cook up really fast, so keep a watchful eye on the level of brownness you've got going on. Flip each avocado once before fishing it out with a slotted spoon or a pair of tongs.

I'd suggest allowing each deep-fried gift from God to drain off a bit of that oil onto a piece of paper towel or recycled brown grocery bag. That way, you can tell your reflection in the mirror that it's not as bad for you as it seems.

Accent your American food with pseudo-international flair

2010-03-05T20:20:09Z

What do Johnny Depp, Renee Zellweger and Dick Van Dyke have in common? Other than their dashing good looks and big, fat wallets, it seems these Hollywood actors are as different as John Wayne and Communism. Upon closer examination one begins to see a pattern. Along with likes of Natalie Portman, Meryl Streep and Reese Witherspoon, our unlikely trio is among the ranks of Yanks sporting British accents in major roles.

Not all of us have the time (or the moolah) to hitch up our wagons and make a trip to the old country. So, when we start to pine for the things of Dukes and Danes, but don't have the plane ticket to make it happen, I suggest we do as the proverbial "Romans" do. We've got to fake it until we make it, my fellow Americans. And the first stop on our imaginary tour is, of course, the cuisine. Meal plan style.

Apples and Cheese

The easiest and most meal-plan friendly way to feel like you're sitting at a street café in France instead of your 10 by 8, snow-logged dorm room, is to break out a taste sensation often overlooked by mainstream American eaters. Any combo of cheese and apple is to die for, but my favorite bastardized recipe is Granny Smith and cheddar. Sure, real Europeans are making fun of you. But your stomach is saying thank you.

Tomato and Cream Cheese Crackers

Alright, I'll be honest. I have no real evidence that this recipe is related to Europe at all. I made it up two days ago when in a mood for sweet and salty. But, it's just weird enough that when you make it you can probably convince your friends that it came straight out of your great-great-Nonna's secret recipe box.

Cube up a fresh tomato or drain a can of tomato pieces and put them into an oven-safe pan. Season with a generous pinch of salt (garlic or onion salt is even better) and a healthy dash of pepper. Roast until fragrant, probably about 10 minutes at 400 degrees. While the tomatoes are in the oven, slather Ritz crackers with cream cheese. Top each cracker with a bite of cooked tomato, which can be eaten hot or cold.

Colts fan dishes out Super Bowl smack

2010-02-05T16:19:03Z

The Super Bowl is an easy out for any self-respecting food columnist. The only thing more synonymous with the Super Bowl than--duh--football is the marathon of stuffing one's face with wings, dip and a plethora of deep fried classics.

So, naturally, my column right before the big show should play to the tune of "Top 10 Ways to Give Your Friends Heart Attacks," or maybe, "44 Foods Shaped Like Drew Brees' Hair." Right?

Wrong-o.

Instead of following the path most travelled, I'm going to savagely take advantage of this platform allotted me to talk some major Super Bowl smack. Don't fret, though. I'll make it food related. Somehow.

Peyton Manning is the Man(wich)
Break out your favorite meat-product and chow down this Sunday while watching Peyton Manning be generally awesome. Aside from his unprecedented four MVP awards, his glimmering Super Bowl ring from '07, and his roguish good looks, the middle Manning is just plain hilarious. Remember when #18 was on "Saturday Night Live?" If his passes to Garcon are nearly as accurate as his throws that beam small children in the back/head, then the Colts have this one in the bag.

Reggie (Bruce) Wayne's Got Wings
Since Val Kilmer in "Batman Forever," there's been nothing that flies smoother into a party than buffalo wings in a variety of sauces. Chow down and sit back while Mr. Wayne dazzles the Saints' defensive secondary with his blazing speed and wits. So, according to my equation, Reggie = Batman and The Saints = The Joker. You, me and Heath Ledger all know how that equation pans out.

Reggie Bush Bakes Beans
Don't forget to adorn your dining room table with a piping hot crock pot of America's favorite sweet baked beans. Sure, Bush is talented. He's dangerous. He's elusive. But he's as inconsistent on the field as he was in Kim Kardashian's bedroom. I mean, why else would that relationship not have worked out? If elementary recess has taught me anything about beans, it's that "the more you eat, the more you toot," so to finish off my stretched metaphor, Reggie Bush is smelly.

The Saints are the Under (Mini Hot) Dogs
One thing we can all agree to celebrate is that, finally, yours truly can root for the team that's not coming into the game last place, far fetched and Bo-Sox-esque. If nothing else, the Colts are winners, which makes eating those crowd-pleasing, smile-winning mini hot dogs even more satisfying. And to all of you who don't have a team in the game Sunday and who naturally root for the underdogs, cut me a break. You're talking to the girl who's been an Indiana Pacers fan since birth. And I know that more than a few of you Browns fans out there feel my pain every time Brady Quinn steps into his uniform.

Bachelors unite around a breakfast sensation

2010-02-05T16:16:35Z

Let's play a game. I'll say a word, and you say the first word that pops into your brain.

Cat. (Meow).

Carrot. (Top).

Nancy Pelosi. (Miss Havisham).

Now let's try one that's a little harder. What do you think of when I say the word, "bachelor?" I asked this question to my buddy in class and he immediately said, "party." The kid next to him, whom I've never talked to before mind you, offered, "pad," and then an awkward giggle. Other popular responses were, "'s degree," "ette," and "the."

I, on the other hand, immediately think of my dad's famous Bachelor's Special when the topic of unmarried males is brought up--and now that I think of it, perhaps that was my father's plan all along...

The Bachelor Special is basically what McDonalds ripped off from my dad and called their "McGriddle." The only difference is that The Bachelor Special is heaven on earth instead of regret in stomach. A word of warning to those who attempt this recipe: a key ingredient is my dad's magic touch. So unless you are Kirby and can swallow my dad to gain his Copy Abilities, this blog is more informational than useful.

THE BACHELOR'S SPECIAL
This hangover-curing recipe begins with the making of pancakes. Either box or homemade versions will work--the only qualification is that the pancakes must be delicious and fluffy. An easy way to ensure that your pancakes don't get tough is to only flip them one time. No pressure or anything. Butter up the pancakes to your unhealthy liking.

This next part requires a certain je ne sais quoi, so practice really makes perfect. Brown your favorite brand of sausage and cut up into bite-sized pieces. While they are cooking, crack some eggs into a bowl and mix heartily with a splash of milk, a pinch of salt and a dash of pepper. Once the sausage is cooked or heated through, add the egg mixture. The goal is to get an egg and sausage patty that is about the size of a pancake and this is a lot more appetizing than the fast food counterpart.

Stack all of the delicious layers and douse in syrup. The Bachelor's Special is best if eaten in conjunction with the biggest glass of orange juice you can muster.

A farewell feast for the late king of late night

2010-02-05T16:15:01Z

he men who have impacted my life are as varied as the phases I went through in high school (the Capri pants and tall sock phase was by far the worst). My dad taught me not to take people's crap; my fiancé taught me that people really can be perverted all the time; Reggie Miller taught me to feign injuries to get what I want.

I learned to take on the man when Jimmy Stewart went to Washington, and I learned how to forgive and forget when Harry Potter named his son Severus.

But the best lesson I ever learned was to laugh at myself (at least as much as I laugh at others). I owe this education to one giant, fiery-haired, spaghetti noodle of a man -- Mr. Conan O'Brien.

To honor the funny man turned corporate punching bag, I've compiled a menu of all of my favorite Conan-inspired things. Consider it a menu to be enjoyed at the funeral of late night.

In the Year 3000 Island Dressing: In the year 3000, this dressing will still look like the gagged-up combo of mayo, ketchup, Tobasco sauce and pickles that it is made of.

The Max Weinburg Special: Just try eating a chicken breast or Heinz's spotted dick without feeling awkward.

Triumph the Insult Corn Dog: Making inappropriate comments to women becomes much easier while chomping on an apropos prop.

Conando Supreme: Todo es mejor en español. Bailé con el pepino. ¿Vea?

Masturbating bear claws: Perfect for those times you just want to enjoy a little solo satisfaction.

Check your 'pride' at the door and wrap up a tasty treat

2010-02-05T16:11:54Z

"Pride and Prejudice" is basically synonymous with every 13-year-old girl's (and 20-year-old food columnist's) dramatized view of her high school world.

Longing looks past his locker. A knowing glance in Geometry. And when he says he doesn't date bookworm losers, what he really means is that he is kind of guarded and living with a huge burden of honor and duty.

Good old Jane might as well have told us Santa exists all over again. We're already leaving milk and cookies out for when Mr. Darcy shimmies down our chimneys.

The only remedy I can see is to expose the dark underbelly of Jane's world--the world of dowries, arranged marriages and women having to constantly wear dresses. The dark, non-indoor-plumbing world as our depressing friend Charles Dickens might see it.

So, in honor of marriages of convenience and other dashed dreams, I've compiled my favorite hot dog wrap recipes. Just because Mr. Darcy won't wrap up his dog for you doesn't mean you can't enjoy this tasty symbolism, 19th century realism-style.
SWEET BACON DOG WRAP
For the most adventurous of hot dog samplers, I suggest this sweet and salty hors devour. Cut up your hot dogs into coins about half an inch thick. Wrap each piece in raw bacon and secure with a toothpick. Once wrapped, place the dogs into a hot skillet and sprinkle with brown sugar. Make sure to let the bacon get crispy and let the sugar melt and brown before you enjoy!

CHEESY DOG WRAP
This recipe is both simple and gratifying when you're in the mood for straightforward dinner. Slit the dogs length wise and stuff with your favorite cheese (I'm a fan of cheddar). Wrap with croissant dough that comes in those pre-made tubes. Bake on a cookie tray until golden brown, 10 to 12 minutes at 350 degrees.

CHILI DOG WRAP
As singer/songwriter Petula Clark would suggest, you can always go downtown. In this case, while you cannot go to a downtown Bowling Green hotdog stand, you can still spice up your midday snack. Lay one hot dog on one end of a warmed tortilla. Top the dog with your favorite canned or fresh chili and roll up into a wrap. Place all of the wraps into a baking dish, touching if possible. Bake until heated through and then top with a ton of cheese. Turn on your broiler and watch for that crunchy, cheesy topping. I like to serve with salsa and sour cream

Friendly foods for any holiday homey

2009-12-04T05:23:57Z

Dear Santa,
I've got a problem.

No, not the kind of problem that makes Mom and Dad so flustered they resort to spelling in front of you even though you're twenty years old. My problem is more Christmas related and a lot less awkward.

I want to get presents for all of my friends this year and I want to make sure they know I care about them. The only small pittance I can afford is those free Bibles the Gideons passed out at the beginning of the school year. And I'm not sure what my humbly-wrapped New Testament will say exactly to my Jewish friend.

Tell Mrs. Claus, "Hey." She really doesn't get enough credit for living with you at home 364 days a year.

Lots of love,
Taylor

For Your Secret Crush
Mint has been playing double agent for the Holiday Camp and the Love Team for ages, being both a mild aphrodisiac and jolly childhood memory all at the same time. I love the idea of a glass jar filled with hot cocoa mix, wrapped together with some marshmallows (sprinkled with mint extract for subtle sexiness) and a giant peppermint stick (which is much less subtle). Just try to keep your memory of opening that first bike and the memory of your first kiss separate, or we'll have another awkward "George Costanza and his corned beef during sex" incident.

For Your Dude-Bro Amigo
Brownies don't have to be filled with pot to be addictive. Make any standard box brownie. I like to cook them just a few minutes short of done to get the perfectly moist square. But instead of frosting in the plain old way, melt down a few Butterfinger bars in the microwave. Pour the peanut-buttery mixture all over the top of the warm brownies, crumpling another of the candy bars over the top for good measure. Once they cool, the brownies will be gooey on the inside and crunchy on the outside.

For Your Oddball Buddy
Popcorn is the perfect canvas on which you can paint all sorts of weird and disturbingly good flavors. And if Yves Klein can paint blue squares and call it art, then you can convince that artistic, Etsy-loving, thrift-shop-wearing friend that this culinary gift is a frickin' Van Gogh. Start with a standard popcorn in a big bowl. Over low to medium heat, warm butter and brown sugar to get your standard caramel corn taste. From here, you can get creative. I've had awesome caramel corn seasoned with some leftover bacon grease that is just delicious. You could even try a little bit of peanut butter and jelly melted into the butter and brown sugar to get that great elementary school flavor without the glue.

Let's show some loving for the leftovers

2009-12-04T05:04:20Z

I'm fairly certain all my professors are in cahoots, much like Digger Phelps' tie and high lighter are in cahoots to match in color on College Basketball Gameday. Between final projects, speeches, papers and schmoozing, I'm finding myself on my last proverbial nerve (because as we all know, no one can literally be on his or her last nerve).

Needless to say, students are about as ready to come back to school after Thanksgiving break as Uncle Henry's pants were willing to stay buttoned after he finished his dinner. While the fading smell of pumpkin pie is still intermingling with the memory of Mom's face when you showed her your new tattoo, you are now realizing that one of the best culinary moments of the year is sadly over.

Not only do you have to get through one more week and exams, but also you're now loaded up with armfuls of crusty stuffing and mushy potatoes that your family couldn't let you leave home without. But before you try to get back into those yoga pants and reach for the Special K and plain oatmeal, live Thanksgiving just a little while longer, and put those leftovers to good use.

STUFFED CAKES (NO FROSTING REQUIRED)
The worst feeling in the world is when you open up day old stuffing and it's all mushy from the condensation inside of the Tupperware. My microwave seems to get a kick out of this and only makes the situation worse when it turns my shmushy stuffing into warm shmushy stuffing. Instead of nuking your leftovers, try pan-frying the stuffing. Pack it tight into little cakes, and the end result is buttery, crunchy-on-the-outside, soft-on-the-inside awesomeness.

MORNING-AFTER OMELETS
Sauté your favorite breakfast veggies and meats in a large, buttered skillet pan until they are fully cooked and have taken on some color. Some of my never-fails are green peppers, mushrooms, ham and onions. In a bowl, whisk together eight eggs and three cups of leftover mashed potatoes. Once your fixins' are cooked the way you like them, pour the egg and potato soup over the top. Cook until right before the egg is completely done and top with as much cheese as you can manage. A quick trip under the broiler melts all the cheese and finishes the egg. Serve like you would a pie. Eat with as much fervor, also.

IT'S CHICKEN SALAD, ONLY WITH TURKEY
Shred up cold leftover turkey with your fingers until the pieces are bite sized and rustic looking. Next, cut up a fresh, juicy apple (I like pie apples for this) and put all the shreds and apple pieces into a bowl. Top with some mayo, but not so much that the mixture becomes like pudding with lumps. You want the mayo to bind the turkey and apple, not dominate them. Salt and pepper until your heart's content, adding nuts or vinegar for an extra splash of flavor.