But even with all the enjoyment and happiness there is this little hint of a feeling inside me. It’s like a churning kind of feeling. The paranoia that comes with not actively working. Sure, I should be working soon…but I’m not right. this. second. and that worries me on a deep level.

It also worries me that I may never be happy being a housewife unless I have some way of bringing in income. This probably comes from my great-grandmother who raised me with a few primary beliefs:

1. Don’t rely on anyone else to take care of you. Marriage is about partnership, but if something happens, you need to be able to take care of yourself and your family solo.
2. Women weren’t meant to sit around taking care of babies. They will never be truly happy unless they can provide for those children with more than hair and makeup and a pleasant attitude to make sure they get fed. (Sounds a lot like #1 now that I write it down – she was an ace at reinforcing her beliefs!)

So I’m trapped in this place where I don’t know if my feelings are my own or if they are just a remnant of my childhood teaching. Great-gramma also taught me that nothing is ever good enough – things can always be improved or done in a better way. So, even if I am taking care of my children and making an income it probably won’t feel like enough.

But how do you recalibrate your soul for the proper definition of “enough”? I don’t see how that’s even possible.

I’m torn. Thrilled to be a great parent to my children, enjoying letting my husband take the lead and letting him support the family…but feeling a serious lack of great businesswoman in the mix.

The laptop in the living room is a start. Now I plan on using it to create something good that will quench the junkie-like craving for money/security that I can’t seem to shake. Sure, I could pick a number and when my savings account gets to that tell myself that’s all the security I need…but that would be so arbitrary (I know there are guidelines – 8 months of income … 6 months of expenses … but how do you REALLY know how much savings is enough?? You can’t!) So I just set the goal higher and higher every time we get to one.

There are worse things to crave than financial security, I guess.

Mostly, my pans are awesome. They were passed down from my husband’s great-grandmother. She bought them with Duncan Hines® stamps or something. The two big pans and the double boiler are great…but the saucepans…oh the saucepans…they’ve been the bane of my marriage. The sides are low and the smallest one fits a can of veggies perfectly, but the handle is so heavy that it won’t stay right on the burner unless you have it juuuust so on the burner. Otherwise you end up with a big veggie mess on your stove.

Now that we’re renovating the kitchen, one of the things on the list to buy are pans. I started looking at sets but there always seemed to be something wrong. Then it dawns on me that the only reason I want a set is because I think it’s the right thing to do. Not the right thing like helping a lost child or calling 911 if someone is getting beat up in an alley. The right thing like how you feel when you watch Martha Stewart and think, “Wow, if I had that serving platter I would have a really awesome dinner party!”

It shows itself on TLC a lot – people renovating and buying homes seem to be really focused on the best way to host a dinner party. Do these people really know enough people to have dinner parties? Is it a requirement if you are on a TLC show to prove you have enough friends to have a dinner party? How many people constitute a dinner party? If you invite one other couple over…is it a party? Do I have enough friends that I should consider them when I buy pans and kitchen supplies? Should I?

These are all the thoughts that go through my head as I try to decide between enameled cast-iron pans and stainless steel. Then, in a moment of clarity, I remember that pans are for cooking. (I know, amazing thought, right?) Pans exist ONLY to cook food. Sure they can also look pretty, but that is secondary to function.

So I decided to throw the idea of a set out the window. My saute pan (the heavy lifter in my kitchen – we even make popcorn in the saute pan!) needs to be stainless steel. I have two stainless steel pans that I can make pasta or soup in, and that’s fine. Do I really need a braiser? Maybe not, but I do need a pan that can go from the burner to the oven if I do want to braise something. That means no plastic knobs – which my Duncan Hines® pans all have. So I could go with a stainless pan – maybe even using the saute pan – or I could go with enameled cast iron for more even heating and less of a chance that there will be overspill on the sides of the pans when I make gravy or sauce from the drippings of the braised meat.

I know pans are kind of a boring topic – but when you buy them you keep them longer than most people keep a car and use them just as (if not more) often! That makes it an important decision – especially considering how much cooking I’ve been doing lately and plan to continue doing from here on out. Homecooked food is just so much better, and it seems to me that it takes just as long to cook as it does to order out and go pick it up. Either that or maybe I’m just brainwashed by Rachel Ray and her 30 Minute Meals.

Or maybe I’m just freaked out and paranoid because I’m hosting Thanksgiving this year and I want everything to be rock-star awesome.

Either way, the pans I get I may very well have until I die (if I buy good ones) so it’s important I make the right decision. Not just buy cool-looking or popular pans.

1. There is a very good chance my 3 year old’s decision to be called Abigail instead of Abby has nothing to do with her being independent and awesome – and far more to do with the fact that the teacher decided she needed to learn how to write her whole name. God forbid we give the little girl a win with a shorter nickname.
2. My 4-year-old is coming home with REALLY similar worksheet pages as my 3-year-old. As in…I’m looking forward to parent-teacher conferences because I am kind of thinking she hasn’t learned jack since she’s been in school.
3. The newsletter stresses that at home parents should work on skills with the kids. Seems like a good idea, right? But the skills we’re supposed to work on are things like identifying and putting on your own coat. Don’t most kids know how to do that BEFORE they’re potty trained?

The bottom line is my kids have fun there and it’s cheaper than a daycare. I get a break for three days a week, three hours each day. But I didn’t pick the learning tree preschool for teachers to tell my children what they should be called and for my pre-kindergartner to keep coming home after she’s learned about the colors. She knows her colors.

I considered putting her into a snotty smarty-kid preschool but then was reminded of the IKEA parent I saw yesterday. He was walking with his 4/5/6 year old boy (one boy, could be any of the three ages) and kept saying, “What’s the opposite? What’s the opposite?” I was by them for like five solid minutes and the dude sounded like a parrot reciting his one line.

I had no idea what the kid was supposed to answer. The opposite of WHAT, you ass? If he told the little kid five minutes ago and kept reciting that question there is no way that poor kid remembered anything other than the mantra being recited over and over and over again. He didn’t answer. I wouldn’t have either. I would like to make it clear I didn’t think the dad was really an ass until we saw him later downstairs and he was teaching his kid to say exSQUEEZE me when he walked by people. I at least understand trying to teach his kid the concept of opposites. Teaching him to have a lame, pathetic sense of humor? Unforgivable. I kind of think child services should be involved at that point – teaching your child to be an outcast with an outdated sense of humor should be considered neglectful and dangerous.

All the kids I’ve seen in gifted programs get there because they know oodles of facts. My girls don’t have facts coming out of their pores because I don’t drill them. They know concepts that blow my mind. They understand addition and subtraction, they understand fractions, they get that parts make a whole. They know that daytime will always come after nighttime. I’m at a loss for the really mind-blowing ones because they happen, I’m amazed, and then we go on with our day.

Maybe it’s best she’s in a play-based preschool. I’d hate for her to know too much going into public Kindergarten. Then she’ll be bored, act out, and suddenly there will be whispers of ADD and Ritalin. (That’s my fear anyway, and goodness knows if I have a fear the public school system will do it’s best to oblige! LOL)

I just don’t want to homeschool. It’s my mantra, like the man saying exsqueeze me in the housewares section of IKEA over and over again thinking it will be funny if he can just get his kid to say it.

I won’t have to homeschool.
I won’t have to homeschool.
I won’t have to homeschool.

For example, I was going to use the leftover browned sausage and beef, throw it into some pasta sauce and drizzle it over pasta for some easy, meaty spaghetti.

Too bad we don’t have pasta sauce. Sure, I could go to the store, but I’m trying not to add groceries to the house while we’re doing the remodel and I want to use what’s on hand as much as possible. Maybe it’s just that it’s a challenge…or maybe I don’t want to run to the store. So I have to come up with an alternate recipe.

I originally browned the meat and then added rosemary. It was fantastic, so I’m thinking that other than the standard salt and pepper, I could add rosemary to the mix. Definitely want half an onion in there, too – not raw, of course! For the sauce, I’m thinking a simple white sauce could be the way to go…or I could use some balsamic vinegar and reduce that and add some honey to get a sweet/sour thing going before adding the rosemary and meat.

I want to keep it simple, so I’m going to go for a Thick White Sauce (courtesy of Cooks.com)

THICK WHITE SAUCE:
3 or 4 tablespoons butter
3 tablespoons flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup milk or one half cup evaporated milk and 1/2 cup water

Then I’m going to add a half cup of shredded cheese to the sauce, along with a sprig of rosemary to season (and some salt and pepper, of course!)

Pour it over pasta and viola. Meaty, cheesy pasta. All with ingredients I already had in the house and no running to the store.

It’s all about spending as much time in the house as possible – not because I’m a recluse – we need to get the wallpaper off the walls so we can fix the drywall and get the walls painted so we can put our new kitchen on the walls.

On the bright side, I got pictures out to two aunts and a grandmother today, so I’m not an entirely awful family member. Just mostly awful. LOL

A business idea I had got a little overly-complicated, so yesterday Randy and I sat down and talked about how to make the idea more simple and streamlined. I think we really came a long way, and feel confident the next step is to sit down again to make a step by step process map for getting the business started.

It dawned on me that one of the biggest problems I have in business is wanting to see the big picture from day one. I’m not a fan of growing a business organically the way some (smart) people are. I’m trying to do it differently and only plan two or three steps out, knowing even those steps are just guidelines that can be changed at a moment’s notice.

The baby is 10 1/2 lbs and growing steadily. They don’t do much at just under a month old, so there’s nothing much to report on her progress. She’s a baby. They don’t do a whole hell of a lot other than eat, cry, poop, and look adorable.

On the plumbing front, we had a manager come out and inspect the back bathroom (the one the plumber left in a totally awful state all weekend and one of the kids almost got really hurt, yeah, that plumbing company) and he basically offered us half off our NEXT service with the company. Randy told him if they wanted to uninstall the sink and put everything back in its original condition that would be fine, but other than that, we don’t trust their plumbers so why would we want a discount on another service? The manager got crappy with Randy, telling him he can cancel his contract anytime and they’re not that kind of company but then saying they wouldn’t give us a refund because the plumber was here and his time had already been spent.

I wanted to ask if his plumber had come over and pooped on my lawn if that was worth $600/hr. but refrained, thinking that might be taken as just being antagonistic. But I still think it might have been a legitimate question.

I mean, seriously, the plumber put the sink together wrong, it was unsafe, and he TOOK THE REST OF THE SCREWS so Randy couldn’t fix it himself. It was like a double-whammy of a-hole behavior.

So we disputed the charge and took pictures and video and will send that in with the dispute form that’s on its way in the mail. Let them deal with it.

On the bright side, the heating/cooling guy came out and installed the humidifier that we were supposed to have installed back when our A/C was put in months ago but told us that it wouldn’t fit and that we wouldn’t want it anyway because it would just cause a mold outbreak in our attic. We called Friday and asked about that and then they sent someone out to install the whole-house humidifier. Yea! No more sore throats this winter! I’m glad that just got taken care of.

Today we have a friend coming over and he’s either going to help Randy tear out the kitchen or fix the back bathroom. We’re not sure yet. The kitchen is such a huge commitment that I’m scared to start it right now. The back bathroom needs, so badly, to just be finished already. It’s a job that’s taken SO much longer than it should have due to a number of factors.

I don’t know the *right* thing to do. But I guess there’s time enough for everything in the world, so it’s not a big deal either way. Maybe if they can do the bathroom and then just take out the huge, broken microwave that lives above my stove I’d be happy. I think that would be well worth it. Then I could put a shelf there and put measuring cups and salt and pepper up there for cooking purposes.

Oh! I meant to mention I braised something last night! I don’t have a super-cool braising pan, just a deep saute pan with a dimpled lid. It worked fabulously! I could have used a bigger pan, though. We weren’t able to fit as many veggies and potatoes in there as I would have liked. But the onions, celery, and carrots (along with the small number of potatoes I was able to fit in there) tasted amazing! I used red wine as my liquid and it reduced beautifully while the roast braised. I even made sure to sear the roast on all sides before braising so it stayed moist.

Thank you, Food Network … especially Down Home With The Neelys … for helping me learn how to actually cook things that taste FABULOUS! (Nope, didn’t get paid to say that – although if the Neelys want to bring me on the show I’d be more than happy to blog the heck out of it from here to the end of time, LOL)

An interesting thing about Food Network – I always thought that Good Eats would be the show to watch to learn how to cook. Basics on how ingredients work scientifically and all that. What I’ve figured out is that Good Eats is like the freaking Doctorate Program of food shows – and it only took me ten years to figure it out *sigh*. I have learned so many more basics from the Neelys, Rachel Ray, and even (I hate to admit this) Sandra Lee … yes, even though we don’t eat processed food I’ve learned from Sandra Lee! Her new Money Saving Meals show is fantastic.

Yes, you’ve figured me out … I spend my nursing and baby time with Food Network on in the background. I’ve really been learning a lot in between snuggles.

Now I just need a great chopping knife. You know the one I mean…the one that looks like if you held it aloft you’d be an instant hit in a horror movie. I need to be able to chop things more effectively.

Long story short one of the kids almost got really hurt because he didn’t follow the installation directions…for a SINK.

Yeah.

The identical sink my husband installed in the front bathroom is way more secure and put together correctly.

How sad is that when you’re DIY husband can do that much better than a (very expensive) professional.

I’m getting sick of being dicked around by plumbers. It seems that no matter who we call, or what it’s for, that there is always something. The one we called before this plumbing company replaced a corroded pipe, but didn’t measure correctly and the pipe sticks out from the wall. Not a big deal unless you have a pedestal sink – like we do. We called him and he told us to go to Home Depot and buy a part that will COVER the mistake. Funnier yet, I don’t think there’s a piece big enough to actually do that. Not that I’ve been able to find, anyway.

We’re giving both plumbers one more chance to remedy the mistakes they have made. If they don’t? Watch me break out my two awesome weapons: The ability to tell a true story in an engaging way and SEO. This better get fixed is all I’m sayin’.

And I have a cold. Seriously, I think the seven plagues have decided to visit my house. It’s just one sickness after another. But this one seems way more short lived than the last one…thank goodness!

In happy news, the baby is great, the girls are fantastic, Randy is doing good (except for plumber stress) and I’m in a great mood for having a cold. I bought some photo paper and printed my first photos. I’m going to be sending them out to my mom and a couple of Randy’s aunts that sent us “wooHOO you had a new baby!” cards. I’ll be adding in a picture of the girls so everyone gets updated pictures of everyone. It was nice not to have to go to Walgreens or Target to get the photos.

Now I have to get with the program and use the Photoshop to crop them better. Right now they’re very what you see is what you get. Kind of like I was using a film camera.

I’m trying not to be a total complainer, but I’m so freaking sick of being sick. I was well one day this week before getting sick all over again. I need to get some better vitamins or something.

I feel a lot more human, too.

Want to see it? Check it out on Facebook.

Plus the baby seems to be breathing well during the day and during most of the night (she didn’t wake up all congested and need to be baby-snot-sucked until 3:30am last night. Yea!)

Sure I’m still battling plugged ears and I haven’t managed to sleep all night in my bed since that first night after giving birth, but I’m sure all that will come in time … and maybe after another visit to the chiropractor. It certainly can’t hurt!

I’ve been thinking a lot about Ali Brown. She was the Ezine Queen way back in the day – I remember she had the most awful website (well, it was awesome when it was first done, I’m not hating on her site or anything) and she was the first Internet marketer I knew that used one of those floating windows to get more signups to the Ezine. She was beautiful, blonde, living in California…and kicking butt online. She pretty much rocks. Another interesting fact – she is the ONLY Internet marketer that I’ve seen that hasn’t deeply disappointed me by being a total sellout at some point or another. That includes the touchy-feely social media Internet marketers, too.

She went from the Ezine queen to a freaking lifestyle brand. I mean, how can you think that’s anything but awesome?

But my problem isn’t knowing how to market a business or even start a business – it’s finding a passion. I am passionate about absolutely nothing when it comes right down to it. Sad, right? I was talking to family about it and come to find out they have the same problem. My grandmother worked at the toll road for 25 years but before that she owned a plant business, worked for a grocery distributor, and did about a thousand other things. She just never really fell in love with anything and then the toll road happened and it was good pay, great benefits, and she just…stayed there.

So it’s not just a “me” problem with the passion – it’s totally genetic. I wonder if that should make me feel better? LOL

If only there were something to be totally passionate about that didn’t involve advanced math, customer service skills, clients, writing, or animals. I mean, I’m sure there’s something out there, it’s just a matter of figuring out what. It seems that everything I can think of has some THING that is a total dealbreaker.

For example…

• I’d totally be an embalmer…until the first kid was on the table. Then I’d freak out and quit. Totally.
• It would be great to be a psychological profiler – but TV made it popular and I don’t want to see pictures of murdered people.
• Being a boring lab tech CSI would be cool, but I have two words for you: Stomach Contents *shudderbarf*
• An attorney would be a fun career – but then you have clients. Prosecutor or Defender – either way you end up with a total waste of air as a client eventually. Maybe a lot of them. Ew.
• A teacher? Yeah, no. I’d be fired in a week.
• Daytrading sounds fun, but no one ever makes money in the long term daytrading. Well, maybe some do, but I don’t have the stomach for gambling. So professional gambler is out, too.
• I could be a construction worker, electrician, or other trade worker…but I don’t know what kind of training is required or if it would be difficult to get a job or easier since I’m a woman. Plus I don’t know how I’d feel being a woman in a blue-collar job. A woman I know has a husband that does demolitions…that would be SUPER fun, but if you mess up someone could die. That would be bad.
• It seems that everyone is a coach these days – but  yeah – I just don’t want to be a coach or have my livelihood attached to someone else’s success. Yuck.

Maybe picking a niche and just using Internet marketing to push it is going to be my toll road. It’s safe, will always pay the bills, and will give me money to sock away in savings for retirement. It’s just…the most potentially successful niche I can think of is NOT my passion.

Because I don’t have a passion.

I’m passionless. (Well not entirely…my kids didn’t come from the stork, LOL)

Maybe I don’t need a passion.

It seems that everything I see online talks about taking your passion (which it is assumed you have) and then the people will teach you how to profit from the passion. Why do I have to be the back-assward fool with the profit and no passion?

It’s frustrating.

I went into labor on Tuesday – water broke at 9am and I got SO excited! Waited for active contractions at about 9pm and then called the Doula and the MW to come on by.

Contractions were really painful. It never dawned on me to get into the tub or the shower, though, I needed to keep walking and even walked around the block…having contractions all the way. I even ended up doing the Macarena with the Doula at about 11pm. It was hilarious and fun.

Started pushing at about 7:30am on Wednesday and Dagny came roaring into my husband’s arms at 9:56am. She couldn’t seem to get un-blue. After an hour of chest to chest contact and oxygen and sucking out of mucus from her nose and mouth, the MW told me she needed to go to the hospital because she wasn’t “pinking up” – so we called 911 and my husband went with Dagny to the hospital while I got cleaned up and dressed to go to the hospital and see what there was to see.

Luckily the hospital has changed a LOT since I was last there. They were VERY pro BFing and she made it through her two day hospital stay with not one ounce of formula! She was fine after getting the mucus sucked out of her lungs at the hospital but the required tests they had to run kept her inside the hospital for 48 hours. Frustrating, but if a two day hospital stay is the price I pay for having my labor and delivery at home and getting a healthy baby out of the deal – I’ll take it!

She was 9lbs. 8oz. at birth – no broken clavicle (the nurse acted amazed nothing was broken!) and all the nursery nurses were amazed I was able to walk into the hospital to see my baby an hour after delivering her.

My midwife and doula came to the hospital with us. I was a little scared to go to the hospital after hearing and reading how homebirth transfers are treated. I was so blissfully happy (and pleasantly surprised) to find that no one – not the paramedics, the nurses, or the ER staff – judged us or gave us attitude for having a homebirth. They all thought it was really cool and just said in regards to her having a problem, “That’s what an ambulance is for!”

So it was a great experience even though it wasn’t the picture-perfect homebirth I’d envisioned. Go figure

The best part was that the MW and doula had cleaned everything so by the time we got home from the hospital, my bed was waiting for me covered in clean pillowcases, sheets, and chux pads. It was the first time in two months I’d been able to sleep lying down and it was pure bliss.

Update: She’s 12 days old – almost two weeks! She’s healthy, happy, and alert. I’ve been sick since before she was born so my energy levels aren’t what they should be – as a result we’ve mixed breastfeeding with pumping so I can sleep through the night and hubby can get some middle of the night bonding time feeding Dagny. She seems to be able to go back and forth between bottle and breast without horrible confusion. Considering she has a heart shaped tongue because the little attachy-thing on the bottom comes all the way out to the tip I think we’re lucky we’re getting as much breastfeeding in as we are!

Unfortunately, due to an earache I’ve been staunchly avoiding all phone contact and because I’m sick and exhausted I’ve avoided most other contact (including computer) just trying to focus on getting well and being a new mom and making sure my existing kids get the attention they need.

But hey, on the bright side my lady bits are all healed and good to go. Fastest recovery time of all the kids. Yea!

There have been contractions, even fairly regular ones, but nothing closer than 17 minutes apart as of yesterday.

We shall see what happens today. I know I’m safe and baby is safe, so if anyone else is nervous or freaking out (like my mom, aka, “Will there be an ambulance parked outside of your house?” LOL) I’m choosing not to let it affect me…and doing a surprisingly good job of it!

Today I go in for a non-stress test at the midwife’s office as well as an internal check and membrane stripping (or membrane sweeping if stripping sounds too harsh). I get to see how far along I am as well as seeing if the sweep gets things going. If not, there’s the follow up chiropractor appointment on Monday and the acupuncturist/naturopath on Wednesday.

Because, by golly, it’s alternative medicine week here at the ‘decki household

I just wish everyone was as secure as I am that she will come when she is ready, and not a moment sooner. She’s moving regularly (and HARD – this girl is strong!) and I feel fantastic.

We’re doing great.

The recommendation is to wear sports clothing from the child’s (parents) favorite team for the week. They will use sports to teach the children about teamwork.

My kids don’t own any sports-themed clothing. Not because they’re girls, not because I’m against sports…they don’t have any clothing with characters or logos at this time. It’s not something I feel strongly about, so I’ll probably try and find an Urlacher jersey for Sadie (what? you thought I’d get her a cheerleading uniform?) and then will send her the other day of school next week in a T-Shirt I’m going to have made as soon as I’m done with this post.

It says: Team Family – The most important team of all…

I’ve been using the concept of Team Family in our home for the last few months, and the kids seem to really enjoy it and respond to the idea that the family is a team and we’re all part of it. It takes away the “us vs. them” mentality that my girls get sometimes when they feel put upon or disregarded in decisions. It is a constant reminder that they do matter and we do want to listen to them…even if the decision we come to is not the one they would have preferred.

I hope the teachers enjoy it, and that it fits smoothly with their team-based lesson plans for the week. I certainly hope they already had plans to cover how a family is a team during the week. If not, maybe this will help them think about it a little differently for the next round of students coming in.

Because Team Family is my favorite team. I’m not making that up. There’s no team on earth I’m a bigger fan of and will root harder for. It is the only team I’d get hurt defending and that I would get crazy protecting.

They’re worth it.