Baby Emma

We welcomed the newest member of our family into our lives  Monday, Feb 20th at 3:38pm.
Our baby girl weighed 7lbs 10ozs and was 20 inches long.
We chose the name Emilia aka Emma for short.

If you know me….you know that I overshare in many situations but I’m very private in others.  If something is personal to me I want it all to myself.  This is how I feel about birth.  Hell…I kinda feel that way about my pregnancy when it comes to “real life” people…sorry!  When I was pregnant with Alexa our intentions were to go to the birthing center without much communication about the status of my labor.  Basically…we just wanted to come home with a new baby and then start calling people.  It was something that we, Peter and I, wanted to do alone.  Of course, that didn’t happen.

If I had my druthers our plan for my second labor and delivery would be the same.  We would run off, as if we were eloping HA, and come back with a new baby.  SURPRISE!  But…that’s not even remotely close to possible.  For one, we have families that desperately want to know what’s happening, especially since my last birth was so wrought with stress and disappointment.  For another, we have a 3 year old that needs to be taken care of while I do my thang.

Alexa will need to be picked up and kept out of the house while I labor at home.  She’ll then need to spend the day and night somewhere while Peter stays with me in the hospital.  This could mean up to 3 different sitter situations going on here.  My dad lives next door so he’s the logical one to call while I’m still home.  I love the idea of keeping her at home to hang out for those last few hours as an only child, but I don’ t want to scare her…and I kinda want to focus me.  Fair enough right?  Depending on what time everything goes down she’ll either spend the night at my father’s or go to Peter’s parents’ house….or my mother might come here and just stay with her here.  Or any variation on those options.

So no, a private personal birth just isn’t in the cards.  I actually joked about wishing for a friend that could hang out with our first…and would keep everything super secret for us.  HA!  I’m ridiculous I know.  I don’t know why I want to sneak attack everyone with their newest family member.  I’m not doing it to be mean, I promise.  Part of me doesn’t want to be on a timetable with anyone.  Part of me wants to know that no one else is thinking about the laboring process…no one else is stressing….no one else is getting impatient.  Part of me wants everyone there in the waiting room pacing and staying up all hours in anticipation.  Most of me just wants to be left alone…LOL…but I think that’s a symptom of this pregnancy and how hands on it’s been from day one.

I think the only way to absolve myself of these feelings is to make the conscience decisions to just tell everyone.  Every single avenue of disclosure will have the update of when I go into labor.  We’ll call our families first of course, setting up childcare in the interim.  I’ll post minimal updates on my personal and blog Facebook accounts.  I’ll most likely post some silly picture of us getting ready to leave on the blog.  Then I’ll Tweet the hell out of whatever strikes my fancy.  Promise to keep it clean(ish).  So that’s the plan.  Instead of keeping it to myself, I’m going to overshare the whole process in hopes of breaking my need to make it all about me…because it’s not.  There’s a while tribe of people out there that want to meet this baby (virtually and otherwise) and I intend on doing my part in making that happen

Maybe I’m getting a little, ok a lot, ahead of myself here….but I cannot wait to start running again.  It’s the single best thing that I’ve ever done for myself when I’ve taken it seriously.  It’s the ONE thing that has ever melted the weight away, and I actually enjoy it once I get going.  Whatever residual baby weight that’s left after the birth and the swelling are over need to be taken care of MUCH more efficiently than last time around.

Right now I don’t feel like myself.  I’m seriously painfully swollen…as in my body HURTS because there’s so much fluid retained right beneath my skin.  Every visit to the midwife reveals another few pounds gained (that’s PER WEEK).  My feet must weigh 5lbs each.  It’s all (well mostly) edema, and I know it will leave my body once the baby comes, but right this second I feel alien.

That’s where my plan of action comes in.  Once this baby is born and I’m allowed to exercise again, I’m will be training for a run.  There are a few primers that we’ll participate in; #1 being the March for Babies this April*.  The real run I want to train for is a Mud Run!  It looks like such fun, and I think mid June is a respectable amount of time to be able to do a 5K.  I know that I will HAVE to register for something substantial to keep myself on track.  I did the Couch to 5K program last year and really enjoyed it and I’m guessing that I’ll use that to start up again.  It’s a 9 week program, which works perfectly for my needs.

So who wants to run with me?  Peter’s sister did one last year and has volunteered to come along this time!  Peter swears he’ll do it.  Maybe one if you will train with me *hint hint* *nudge nudge*

*Don’t worry, I’ll bother you all with March of Dimes related stuff in a bit, once we sign up for that

Oppps, I had it all planned out.  I was going to schedule a post to go live on Sunday signalling my ONE MONTH LEFT celebration.  Yup, I forgot.  The pregnancy stupids, I haz them.  Oh well.  The thing is, I’m not sure I’ll make it to the end.  I feel so off and heavy and achy and crampy, it has to be soon right?  The power of positive thinking or something like that.  JUST SAY IT’S SO!

There are reasons why I’d LOVE to be done now.  Of course there are reasons why getting to my due date would be equally awesome.  Let me list them now (hahahah as if you cared).

Reasons To Be Done:

• I am excruciatingly tired.  I can’t sleep because I can’t get comfortable and even after I do, 45 minutes later I have to pee again.  Naps are pretty much gone for now.
• I’m so sore.  Most of it, I think, has to do with being on bed-rest (though THAT’S OVER NOW!!!).  The baby has dropped so things that weren’t affected before have started to hurt.
• I just want to be one person again!  Everyone has heard me say this.  I know that I’ll have a newborn to hold and take care of, but she will live on the outside….where I can put her down!

Reasons To Wait:

• I want the girls to have their own birthdays, birth months even.  Ideally I want to get past Alexa’s party so I don’t have to call it off or bring a teeny baby with me.
• I want breastfeeding to be easy this time, and the longer my body has to bake, the more the hormones will work together (in theory).
• As small as it seems, I want to KNOW that my body can indeed carry a baby to term.  I want to feel like I reached the end and didn’t “go early”.  That said, in a few days I’ll be considered full term at 37 weeks so that’s not too far off.

So there they are, my reasons for and against getting the baby out now.  Ha, as if I have a choice in the matter.  While all the precautions keeping me from preterm labor have been removed (no more shots, now more bed-rest) it’s not as if that means I’ll go tomorrow.

Now that my little secret is out, and everyone knows that I had a “secret double” life as a mommy blogger while I was writing here just to update the family, I guess it’s time to talk about online personas.  Well my take on them at least.

I’m not even sure where this idea came from.  My notes on transparency in blogging have been sitting in my inbox for a while now.  I do that, email myself ideas.  Often this happens well past a decent hour while I’m lying in bed TRYING to fall asleep.  My head goes on and on and on.  If something interesting is triggered I try to write it down and send it to myself.  That’s my little trick

Moving on….

Yes, transparency in the online world.  What do you care about it?  Do you think someone who writes a blog needs to tell all?  And all the time?  I certainly don’t.  You all know me in different ways.  People that know me online sometimes get the raw-er version because I tend to rant on Twitter.  Different friends all get a piece of me, the piece of me that fits in their life.  Hell, even Peter doesn’t know EVERY.LAST.THING about me.  No one should.

Everyone is edited.  Our photos are touched up, our words are formatted ever so rightly, our thoughts are stewed upon and revised the next day just.in.case!  Even in real life.  Do I invite people over and let them see all my messes?  NOOOOOOOO.  I clean before I have company.  I clean more for others.  Hell I even shower for some!  So of course my blog is a tidier version of me than my actual brain.  If I emptied that all out on to the page you’d run for the hills.  I think the same could be said of just about anyone.

Old Version Of Me - PARTY

Here’s the thing, just because I’m honest in this format, and I am, doesn’t mean that the blogging version of me is the whole me.  I choose to share what I’m comfortable with.  Sometimes that means a little too much, HEH, sometimes I may hold back and decide not to spill my guts.  If you look through my archives you’ll see that I get really really real at times (especially since I merged a few blogs together here).  Other times I choose to be light and airy and shallow.  That’s A-Ok, because that’s how I am.  Sometimes I’m way too deep and thinky for my own good, and sometimes I just want to look at something pretty…….oooooh GLITTER!

Just because this blog is called Backwards Life doesn’t mean I like my stuff out of order.  If you know anything about me you know that I’m a teensy bit OCD-ish (I actually think I have Obsessive Compulsive Personality issues).  I used to organize people’s lives for a living!  I’m that weirdo that moves furniture around for no good reason.  I like to clean and sort and file.

Ever since having a baby, ummm three years ago, I’ve been a little out of sorts.  There was a time last year that I FINALLY felt like the old me.  I was back in school, scheduling appointments, writing papers….all with ease and on time!  Then I got pregnant again.  My brain fell out of my head and all my hard work back out the window.

This time around, after the pregnancy brain fog wears off, I’m determined to get back into the swing of things faster.  Since my old tricks (mostly digital in nature) failed me last time, I thought I’d try something new.  A paper organizer like I used to have back in the olden days, but this time I wanted something pretty.  I also wanted something that I could leave out for friends and family that happen to come by to help us after the baby comes.

Photo Credit: www.momagenda.com

Enter the momAgenda!  It’s beauiful and I just spent a good hour adding all my upcoming appointments to it.  I wanted to set something up so anyone that needed to could look at our appointments for the week, see upcoming plans for the kids, and had access to all the important contact information concerning our family.

I had a Groupon deal for this awesomely popular desktop organizer so I bought two!  One for me to use and one to share.  I want to share it with you!  This is NOT a sponsored post, this is just me wanting to celebrate my readers with some fun and a prize.  Free stuff is always fun!

GIVEAWAY DETAILS

This giveaway is for one 2011-2012 momAgenda in “soft gold”.  It is open to US and Canadian readers (sorry, I have to pay for the shipping so no international).  It will close on Friday 2/3 at midnight and I’ll and announce it Saturday morning!  What a great way to start someone’s weekend

HOW TO ENTER

• 1 entry  - leave a comment on this blog post telling me how you’re trying to stay (or get) organized

• 1 entry for – liking Backwards Life on Facebook, leave a separate comment telling me your FB name
• 1 entry for – following @Backwards_Amber on Twitter, leave a separate comment telling me your Twitter name

• 1 entry for per day – tweeting about this giveaway with “I just entered @Backwards_Amber ‘s momAgenda giveaway here http://tinyurl.com/7yz9qf8, now you can too!”, leave a separate comment with a link to your tweet

GOOD LUCK!

*******CONGRATS TO LINDSAY*******

Hi everyone.  The blog has been down for the past week so that I could make some pretty dramatic changes.  First and foremost, thank you for sticking around for the unveiling!!!  I want to talk a little bit about why I decided to make these updates before I list them for you.

Since late 2008 I’ve been writing updates on a website for our friends and family to let them experience the joy of my first pregnancy along with us.  Once Alexa was born I decided to take all the old content and turn it into a blog.  It was an easier format to post daily, weekly, monthly updates for our loved ones.  The summer after Alexa was born I decided I also needed a private space to talk about my experiences as a new mother.  I started Unlikely Mama and that’s when the “real” blogging started.  I met tons and tons of women, fellow mothers, who I could commiserate with through our own platforms and on Twitter.  I had two worlds that I kept very very separate.

Sadly a year later I decided to close up shop on that private world.  I lost my writing groove, and I lost a lot of close friends in the process.  I took a year off, but kept updating the family blog with random milestone updates about our little girl.  I felt a void.  Sure I was writing about our lives together and keeping a digital scrapbook on the blog and on Flickr, but I was missing that connection I had with my online friends.

Finally, this past Spring I decided to start writing about personal topics again on Not Mommy.  I was going through a lot of changes, least of which was the journey to becoming a mother of two!  Once again, two lives, two blogs, two personas.  I lost the will to keep that up.  In the Fall you may have noticed that the topics on this blog became more wide reaching and that the posts became less sporadic.

The reason for the increase was because I was starting the process of merging my two online worlds.  I was putting out feelers to make sure the “deeper” topics didn’t freak my real life people out, HA!  I was also attempting to bring my readers from the “mommy blog” world over to a less genre specific site.  I hope I succeeded.

Now that the new year is here I’m working on those New Years Resolutions that I wrote about a few weeks ago.  Here’s what I’ve done so far:

• Backwards Life is now self-hosted.  That means that instead of running on the free WordPress.com I’m now paying for hosting and using the content management code from WordPress.org.  It’s all very techy and boring to most, but it gives me so much more flexibility.
• I’m going to start doing some giveaways to draw in new readers and new followers/fans on Twitter and Facebook.  I have one planned to start this weekend, it’s an awesome product to say Thank You and YIPPIE!
• Next month I will start offering ad space.  I’m going to do something a little different and I’ll write more about it later, but I’m excited.
• I want to make this a Sponsor/PR friendly space, and hope to toss in a few reviews.
• I’ve loaded a new design and am working with a long time bloggy friend on lots of customization!

So that’s it for now.  I’m still working on the layout so some placement of things may change from time to time, but the content will still keep coming.  Remember to subscribe if you want this in your email or Feed reader.

Induction…that’s the newest word my friends.  The news today was bad.  My midwife appointment left me in shock.  What I thought was a fluke set of symptoms last week, actually turned out to be something after-all.  Something that my midwives aren’t messing around with. While I completely understand the concern and appreciate their care, I’m so so so sad about what it means for my pregnancy and birth.

Earlier this week I wrote about my desire to have a “healing birth” to recover from the lack of confidence my last birth gave me.  I already feel like a failure for being unable to go to term with Alexa, and now it’s happening again.  My test results are bad enough that I’ll be put on modified bed-rest and most likely be induced at [no later than] 38 weeks and possibly [as soon as] 36.  That means, that unless my body decides to start up early, I’ll be “forced” to do it the unnatural way with synthetic hormones and a likely long hospital stay if things don’t progress quickly.

Until then, I’ll have more and more tests ran, more and more monitoring, more and more appointments.  More time thinking about how my body just rejects pregnancy.  More and more thinking that maybe I was right when I insisted as a teenager that I wasn’t made for babies.  More and more depressing thoughts of being a failure as a mother before the child is even born.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I’m crazy and irrational and an other-thinker!  I’m sure everything will be fine in the end, that like Alexa…this baby will end up healthy and happy and well cared for.  That said, I’m not sure the same can be said of me.  I’m losing my ability to think positively and that terrifies me when it comes to PPD issues.  Hell, the depression that will most likely set in after having to be on bed-rest for the next 4-6 weeks will be enough to deal with on its own.

I’m not going to lie here.  I’m seriously torn up about all this. Can I just refuse to cooperate?  Can I say NO, I will not let you pump me full of drugs just because you’re too worried that I might suffer (or possibly that your malpractice insurance might)?  I think I need a good long talk with my Doulas before I go off the deep end, but I’m scared guys!

I think everyone that reads this blog knows how badly my first birth experience went.  Just about anything that could go wrong did.  Gone was the hope of that beautiful natural process when Alexa decided she was ready to enter the world at 30 weeks.  That’s 10 weeks premature to those not down with the pregnancy count.  That birth stripped me of the confidence in my body to work correctly.  I’m hoping this time I get it back.  I realize that all the planning in the world can’t save me from what this baby or my body has in mind.  That said, I’m doing all that I can to ensure a safe and healthy labor this time.

I’m considered high risk because of the last preterm delivery.  That means I have fairly constant monitoring.  Pretty much opposite of my natural desire, but we’re doing whatever it takes to make sure nothing gets missed should something go awry this time.  I’m trying to surround myself with all the positive energy that I can.  Alexa’s pregnancy was easy but her birth was hard and scarring.  Her sister’s pregnancy has been very hard, chock full of negative side effects, so I’m hoping that the birth will at least be normal and natural.

Since we’re delivering in a hospital this time around (I have no choice since I’m a high risk VBAC) we’ve opted to go with the midwife team that has rights there.  We’ve also hired a Doula, Your Best Birth to act as my labor coach and signed up for their birthing classes. I’m so thankful to have found ladies to work with that already feel like family.  There’s something so warm and welcoming about everyone we’ve brought into our prenatal care.

We’re trying with all our might to make this birth experience a positive and empowering one.  The steps we’ve taken won’t guarantee that everything will go smoothly, but working with naturalistic practitioners was the one thing we had control over.  Being cautious with my health and cognizant of the risks is all we can do and I truly hope it’s enough.

I usually don’t “do” resolutions.  Most years I really don’t care enough about changing my life up in one fell swoop to try to wipe the slate clean.  There are small things I’d love to try, good habits I’d like to incorporate into my life, and bad ones I’d like to leave behind.  These are all just goals, most small…but all meaningful to me.

Photo Credit - www.health.com

I started to think about what new ideas and challenges would make 2012 a good year.  I’ve also considered what things I could undertake with a newborn/infant in tow….and what would help keep me sane and feeling like myself even though another baby will be all-consuming no doubt.

After writing my NYE Miss A article I knew I had to come up with some way to celebrate the holiday that felt meaningful.  I think a goal a month is a great way to honor the coming year and help keep me sane, focused, and involved in something….because we all know I love a good project.  Hell, I might even turn these into a blogging series to keep everyone updated on the progress.

The biggest thing with each of these goals/resolutions/whatever, is to have a plan in place to make sure I’m successful.  Just throwing ideas out there won’t be good enough.  Steps need to be taken to make sure the tasks are feasible.

Here’s what I have so far:

1. Take a writing class – I’ve already looked up the local community college’s continuing/adult education program.  They have online writing programs that run for 6 weeks and I’m going to sign up for the one that starts in Jan.  It will be over before my due date and will give me something to fall back on when blogging feels like a chore (or I succumb to only posting smushy baby pictures).
2. Do a “Mud Run” – Once I’m allowed to start exercising again after the baby comes…I will need a goal to keep me in check.  I’ve wanted to do a mud run ever since Peter’s sister and her bf told us about theirs.  There are a few this summer, and all are planned for about 3 months (or more) after my due date.  I think that’s a safe time-frame for training for a 5K.
3. Do a Juice Cleanse – I’m thinking this will be my April 1st goal.  It should be enough time for me and the new babe to learn to breastfeed….so I’ll have a little more brain power to think about myself again.  April 1st was the start of a different healthy endeavor last year, so it makes sense to start another one to celebrate the anniversary of being smoke free for a year!  We got a juicer for Christmas and already plan to incorporate whole fruit and veggie juices into our diets going forward, but a real cleanse is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time.
4. Sew SOMETHING on my machine – Peter bought me a sewing machine for my 30th birthday.  I’ve yet to even test it out.  That’s SHAMEFUL!!!!!!  I took sewing classes in High School so I’m not a complete nOOb, but I’m not at all comfortable with it.  I have crafty dreams, and I want to take the first step!  Who has something easy and gratifying they think I should try??
5. Take a photo class – I took classes in college on a regular SLR, but I’ve never taken a digital class.  I have a lovely dSLR that I’m mildly comfortable with, but I’d like to relearn how to really really use it.  I’d also love to take some photo editing classes.  I’m thinking this will be a summertime project.  There are many amazing online resources, and my local community college also offers classes.  I’ll decide which route to take once the time comes.
6. Get BlogHer2012 sponsorship – This one is lofty.  I attended the conference in 2010 under my old blog persona.  This time around I want to be more open and I’m using this blog.  Because I’ve never taken this one seriously until a few months ago, I have a lot of work to do.  You’ll see a lot of changes around here in the coming weeks/months (which I’ll go into more detail with later)….but there’s much work to be done to be taken seriously by corporate sponsors for such an awesome conference!
7. Clean ALL of my stuff from my father’s house – My childhood home happens to be next door to my own.  There’s no excuse for me to have anything left over there after all these years.  I need to spend some time in his attic making sure that all my old junk is gone so he never has to deal with it ever again.
8. Hang pictures on walls once painted – SAD SAD SAD there is NOTHING hanging on our walls.  We’ve lived here for years and we never hang pictures.  We’re planning on having the house repainted, from top to bottom, and once that’s done family photos must adore these walls.
9. Have a weekly Family game/movie night – This one will be so important once the new baby arrives.  We’ll all need a way to bond and reconnect as a family, and having a weekly game or movie night is a VERY easy and inexpensive way to make sure that happens.  Just put your computers and phones away and really hang out with each other.
10. Plan a monthly date night – That’s only 12 a year!  Peter and I are BAD at asking for help with this.  We need to get better at it for our own sanity and relationship.  We need time alone…even if for just a few hours. Or even just an hour to go eat without kids!
11. Eat dinner at the table 3 nights a week – I’ll admit it.  I don’t love cooking.  I’m ok at it, but it’s not my favorite pastime.  That said, I kinda hate take out.  I also don’t want to fall back on junk food 24/7 after the baby comes.  If I can cook and eat at the table 3 nights a week I’ll be thrilled and maybe motivated to do it more often.
12. Attend Sunday UU Services – This one is important to me.  I wrote about it at length last week.  I’m not saying we need to go every Sunday, because life will get in the way, but we need to make an effort to really start going because it makes us all feel better about the world around us when we do attend.
13. BONUS Goals – Learn to make soap.  Try CrossFit.

As you can see not all of these will fit neatly into a 1-month 1-off setting, but I think that they are good and useful goals and resolutions to add to my and my family’s life.  Do you have any plans for the coming year?  Please don’t say get skinny and rich HA!