Me: Who the fuck are you again?

KO: I-

Me: I'm just kidding. I don't give a shit.

Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Neil came up with the concept:

Wouldn’t it be cool, if for one day, we really did believe that everyone really did have an important story to tell online?

Click his name and comment on that post. You will interview the person who commented before you. The person who comments after you will interview you. And so on.

I was interviewed by Rimarama. Go check it out – I'm pretty fucking funny.

I interviewed Kiki from Kon-Kiki. She's a very interesting young writer with a lot of cool ideas – definitely worth adding to your feedreader. I asked the boring questions, she provided the interesting answers:

1. You're slowly proceeding along that inexorable path to old age, aka 30. What do you plan on doing for your birthday that will be memorable and adventurous?

Well god damn. Nice to meet you too. Let’s see, I have about four years until my 30th birthday, so expect your Evite invitation in, oh, 1,440 days or so. Of course this is assuming that I’m alive and that the world hasn’t ended in 2012, so the odds aren’t really in my favor. If by chance I’m around, I don’t plan on making a big to do about 30, or any birthday really. I just hope that I’m happy where I am and that I feel good about what I’ve been doing with my life. And that I'm still hot. Most importantly.

2. In your search for your daily Columbus (e.g., new foods, books, music, etc.), what is the coolest item that you have discovered and did anyone appreciate it?

I have to admit that I’ve been pretty lax about updating that Columbus section. I have every intention of getting around to it, but I can’t get it to look the way that I want and so it bothers me. At this point, I’m pretending it doesn’t exist, which is my go-to solution to all problems. I guess my best discoveries of late have been restaurants. There are so many amazing little places in this city, and I’ve been spending a lot of time writing about them on Yelp. No one has really told me that they appreciate anything that I do, but maybe I’ll be able to wrangle something out of someone around the Thanksgiving dinner table next week.

3. You've only been blogging for about five months now, from what I can tell. What inspired you to start blogging and where do you see yourself going with it?

This particular blog was started early this summer, but I’ve had multiple blogs over the last five/six years. I think I have the sensibilities of a writer, in the sense that as I’m experiencing things I’m always going over how I will write them. I think a lot and am constantly narrating things in my head, and because that actually may be the definition of insane, it’s probably good to get those thoughts out somewhere, even if not many people read them. I suppose the purpose of this blog has been documentation of my move to New York for myself, but also to keep friends and family updated with what I’m doing up here.

I don’t really have notions of “going” somewhere with this blog, but like many bloggers, I do have dreams of writing a book, though I’m certainly not writing in hopes of being “discovered” or something like that. I guess I’m sort of naïve to the cliquey, network-y, business side of blogging . . . and I’m not really interested in that crap. I’m just here to practice by writing about whatever happens to be going on in my life/head and attempting to create a more focused tone or writing persona.

4. I see "attempt living in Los Angeles" as something you are interesting in doing. Do you think it would be harder than living in your current home of NYC and if so, why?

I was raised in the Washington, DC area but born in Los Angeles and still have a lot of family there and throughout southern California. Having spent lots of time in the area, I know that it’s very, very different from the east coast, and it would be a challenge to change mentalities.

In general, the east coast is much more diverse than the west. I love walking around New York and seeing so many unique faces and styles. Things aren’t perfect here – the weather, the small spaces, the expenses to name a few – but I think because things aren’t perfect (or attempting to be perfect), people feel freer to find their niche and to be their own self; frizzy hair, big noses, pale skin and all.

I visited family in LA this past August, and have to admit that life appears to be good there – easier, happier, carefree, healthier, youthful – at least at the beach. I think it would be interesting to live there for a time, just for the experience. I know it’s not the place for me permanently; I love walking, seasons, a quick pace, and short flights to Europe far too much.

5. Let's play a game of Marry, Fuck, Kill: Out of Rosie O'Donnell, Portia de Rossi, and Gloria Steinem, who would you marry, who would you fuck and who would you kill?

You are such a guy. Ok, I’ll play.

First of all, I’d marry Gloria Steinham [sic]. She’s by far the most interesting of the three . . . not to mention she was married to David Bale, Christian Bale’s father. Seeing that she was technically Christian Bale’s stepmother for some time, I think as her wife I could probably have him over to the house for holidays and such. She’s also the oldest and most likely to die of the three, and as her widow, I’d probably get invited to a lot of really cool events and parties and be asked to hand out awards given in her honor. I could start a big foundation in her memory and throw all sorts of society galas. Christian Bale would obviously be involved with the foundation, would be there for my in my time of need, and helplessly fall in love with me. I'd pretend to feel horrible about starting a relationship with my dead wife's late husband's son, but I'd let him seduce me and we’d end up getting married and having loads of babies and I'd be named Most Beautiful Woman on Earth by People magazine.

Oh, and though Rosie O’Donnell was funny on Curb Your Enthusiasm a few weeks ago and therefore far more useful to me than Portia de Rossi, there’s absolutely no way I’d fuck her. So, Portia is the lucky one and Rosie has to die. I’d make it painless though. For both of them.

Thanks, Kiki, for such a great interview!

Here is what I have learned from Mad Men:

• Hats can be cool.
• Psychology is stupid.
• Whiskey is the nectar of the gods.
• Cigarettes help you think and work better.
• It's okay to drink and smoke when you're pregnant.
• Black people either provide a helpful service or have sage insight.
• Men are sluts.
• It's only okay to be gay if you're from Europe.
• Adopting a baby is a sign of weakness.
• Everything needs salt.
• To be mysterious and appealing, just don't say anything and arch your eyebrow.
• When you need time, just disappear and show back up a week or so later and nobody will even care.

Bluepaintred asked: Did your blog theme change? How long has that weird white outline been here?

Blue, that's a change I was required to add to my blog for all Canadian visitors. English speaking Canadians see just a white border but the French speaking ones see a blank page that tells them to go eat cheese and drink wine.

Dave2 asked: What's the theme for next year's Halloween party?

Rabies. Or "The Horror of Papercuts!" We haven't decided yet.

Andria asked: When potty-training a boy, what do I teach him to do with his weenie? Do you shake it? Flick it? Dab it with toilet paper?! I'm so confused here. I don't want to screw him up. Also, is calling it a "weenie" potentially messing him up too?!

I usually just move my hips like a hula hoop. Sure, this might get a little splashback around the bathroom, but it's fun. And it's better to call it "horse cock" for self esteem issues.

Zoeyjane asked: If you had to pick a new blog wife because Britt had a torrid blog affair with Father Muskrat, whose hand would you take in blogtrimony?

This is an easy question. I would host a reality show called "The Great Avitable Blog Wife Showdown" and would pit fourteen BILFs against each other to compete for the title of my blog wife. In the end, the winner would be the one with the biggest tits readership.

Shauna asked: My left arm itches. Can you tell me why?

Shauna, when you spend half your day with your arm in a bull's ass, stimulating his prostate for semen collection, you should expect that you might get a little bit of a rash. I'd recommend using your right arm for a while.

Grant asked: Why does your template not remember my e-mail address from my home PC using Firefox when everyone else's is fine? 2nd question – why don't you get rid of that sodding twitter Follow me thingy that makes me scroll up and down so I can read the text it covers?

Maybe my template isn't saving cookies properly – I plan on doing a new template at some point in the near future. And what resolution do you have your damn computer set at to have that Twitter plugin affecting the screen real estate? I think you should get a bigger monitor.

Sheila asked: What would the world do without kind, compassionate, caring people like you?

Um, hello? I crotchpunch nuns and hate babies. You must have me confused with another Avitable.

Finn asked: What would you say is the most interesting thing about you?

I really don't know. I have good stories?

BE Earl asked: There is one picture on your sidebar that you could explain for me. It looks like something or other is on your chest and you may or may not have any arms. What is going on with that pic? It eludes me.

That's this picture. It's my Halloween costume from three years ago, when I was Steve Irwin with a stingray attached to my chest.

Howard asked: We all know the Mayan calendar is a circle so it's just going to start over not be the end of time, so what will be the downfall of planet Earth?

Ninjas.

Psychobabble asked: If you were turned into a lesbian by a magical unicorn, and the only other lesbians in the world were Rosie O'Donell and Ellen Degeneres, who would you make sweet love to? (Your hand is not an option)

How many licks does it REALLY take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?

1. Totally Ellen. She's cute and funny. 2. See my answer above. 3. Ask Ellen.

Sybil asked: Where in the hell is my one black shirt; the v – neck sweater? I've looked and looked, and I cannot find it!

Your husband is wearing it under his clothes, along with one of your bras.

CP asked: When in a sexual relationship with a man, would you be the top or the bottom? And, would a reach around be involved at any point?

Can I be the side? And reacharounds are standard practice on the third date.

Sunny asked: Where's your favorite place to get lunch in town (let's say Altamonte over Maitland), and how do you feel about meeting random non-famous bloggers (outside of Halloween) who only know where you live because of a return address on a picture of a large box posted in a really cool Canadian chick's blog?

I'm a fan of Chili's or TGI Friday's and I am always up for a blogger meetup!

Sandi asked: If you could live anywhere in the world where would you live?

If you had your own tv talk show who would you pick to be your first guest and what would you like to ask them about?

1. Los Angeles. I loved it there.

3. I'd pick Weird Al Yankovic. The man is a genius.

Poppy asked: Why'd you change the orientation of your desk in your office?

I needed to make more room and get rid of an extra desk that was already in here. Plus, I needed to park my car in here.

Nadine asked: What do you believe happens after death?

I believe that zombies need to be shot in the head or chopped up into little bits if they're going to stay down.

Faiqa asked: When are you going to finally admit that you feel intellectually and, let's face it, generally inferior to me? I just want to know, so I can prepare myself in advance… humility doesn't come easy and I'm going to need a few days to practice.

But my superiority over you was the last thread keeping me from realizing that suicide is my only way out. Gee, thanks.

Laurie asked: Also, can we get an update on the state of your facial hair growth?

The beard is back!

Hilly asked: What was your nickname in high school and why?
Also, what is the craziest thing you would do for a Klondike bar (in a world where "Klondike Bar" means "thing you want most in this world, like Michael J. Fox's semen or whatever")?

1. I didn't have a nickname in high school. I was just Adam back then. That was before I became the All Powerful Avitable in college and law school. That's right – have I mentioned that I went to law school?

2. Oh, for Michael J. Fox's semen? I'd sneak out of my second story apartment window and run across the rooftops and run away from an angry dog just so I could get a Diet Coke for my hot female neighbor. Wait, what?

Thanks to everyone who asked questions!

Jealous?

Hunk Drilly from Adam Avitable on Vimeo.

Last night was a belated birthday dinner for Hilly over at Liam Fitzpatrick's in Lake Mary. As I write this, she is doing shots in my game room and loudly declaring her desire to drive herself home. I have hidden her keys and may have to duct tape her into the bed in the guest room.

Happy birthday, Hilly!

Mercury Falls, by Rob Kroese

I wasn't quite sure what to expect when I started reading. There was a chance that it would have a flawed narrative, poorly realized protagonist, and cardboard characters who follow every cliche in el libro. I gritted my teeth, dropped my pants, sat on the the throne, and started reading.

Mercury Falls is the funniest fucking book I've read all year. Imagine a world in which Douglas Adams and Chuck Palahniuk met in a bar in Los Angeles, where they drank gin-filled fizzy lifting drinks culminating in a passionate night of unprotected assfucking. This tumultuous evening resulted in the birth of a baby girl, beautiful in spite of her harelip. Eighteen years later, this girl drinks Carl Hiaasen under the table in the very same bar, and takes him home where she sticks a cattle prod in his ass and fucks him crazy. The baby that comes from this unholy hilarious union is Rob Kroese, and his destiny is to write this book.

I found this book to be clever and funny without feeling forced. It flowed nicely, had well-rounded characters that avoided triteness, and told a fun, intelligent story. It's difficult to write smart humor without sounding either pretentious or hackneyed, and Kroese manages to pull it off almost flawlessly. While there were only a few parts that made me laugh vocally, I found myself chuckling and smiling as I enjoyed his turns of a phrase and intelligent prose.

I give this book my full and complete recommendation. Go over to MercuryFalls.net and purchase a copy today. Support a new author, get away from the Internet for 300 plus pages, and enjoy a finely written, clever tome. That's right – I said tome. That means I'm fancy and know what I'm talking about!

And now, for your reading pleasure, an interview with the author himself:

AVITABLE: Which of these three angel-themed movies influenced you the most? Angels in the Outfield, Almost an Angel, Charlie's Angels.

KROESE: I think all three of those films have had such an influence on so many writers, it's difficult to say which one was the most important. I mean, just the other day I was hanging out with Chuck Palahniuk and Cormac McCarthy at Jack in the Box, and Corm couldn't stop talking about the irony of "the guy from Down Under working for the Man Upstairs" in Almost an Angel. Finally Chuck just beat the crap out of him. I mean, you don't disrespect Cameron Diaz in front of Chuck Palahniuk. And I was like, guys, if you're talking angel movies, nobody can touch Christopher Lloyd in Angels in the Outfield. We finally had to settle the matter by eating some peyote brownies and playing Russian roulette. Funny story, actually, because it turns out we were playing Russian roulette with a halibut. Anyhoo, Cormac McCarthy is dead.

AVITABLE: Who would win in a fight between an angel and a werewolf? A werewolf and a vampire? The Thing or The Hulk?

KROESE: We all win, Adam. Except for with the Hulk one, because everybody knows that The Thing is yellow.

AVITABLE: Do you find that it's easier to write before or after a big meal? A nap? Killing a hooker?

KROESE: The writing process, for me, goes like this: hooker, nap, write, big meal, nap, hooker, hooker, nap. Mercury Falls took me 3 years to write, mostly because I forgot to do the writing part for the first 2 1/2.

AVITABLE: Have you ever had panties thrown at you during a book signing? Do you want me to throw mine?

KROESE: My mother actually showed up at the last one and threw some underwear at me. It was my dad's. I'm still trying to sort that one out.

AVITABLE: If you had one piece of advice for a struggling author, what would it be, in Pig Latin?

KROESE: On'tday ebay ootay oudpray otay oday ateverwhay ouyay eednay otay oday otay ellsay ooksbay, evenway ifway itway eansmay answeringway asinineway estionsquay.

AVITABLE: Which one of your characters would be the most likely to maintain a blog and what type of blog would it be?

KROESE: Well, setting aside the narrator, Ederatz, I'd have to say Perp the cherub. Perp loves giving unsolicited advice to strangers, which is totally what the Internet is all about.

AVITABLE: Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

KROESE: Yes, but only as a tourist. I love the part of the tour where they hang you upside down by your jigglies.

AVITABLE: Do you know where I put my wallet?

KROESE: No, and I'd rather you didn't tell me.

AVITABLE: Is it sacrilegious for an angel to eat deviled eggs or devil's food cake?

KROESE: Hey, if Catholics can eat Jesus every week, I think we can give the angels a break on this one.

AVITABLE: If your book was turned into a film, who could you see playing each role?

KROESE: Somebody recently suggested Alan Tudyk, who played Wash on Firefly, for Mercury. The only problem is that I think Alan Tudyk is contractually obligated to die in all of his roles, and Mercury is an angel, so that's going to be a problem. He does get blown up at one point though, so maybe that counts. As for Christine, the female protagonist, I'd like to see Zoe Deschanel or Rachel McAdams, because they're both cute as buttons. Barring those choices, I was thinking it would be good to get the whole cast of Glee involved, if only so we can get production on that show shut down for a few months.

And there you have it. Regardless of his obvious poor choice in maligning Glee, one of the best shows on TV today, I still recommend buying his book immediately, albeit slightly more reluctantly now.

Moon: Water
Mercury: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
Venus: Mercury
Mars: Nougat
Jupiter: Roofies
Saturn: Summer's Eve
Uranus: Hidden Valley Ranch
Neptune: Cotton Candy

And this doesn't even cover their covert desire to discover a cache of Diet Coke with Lime on Saturn's moon of Titan or that cream that's inside Twinkies on Halley's comet.

This new trend of space discovery also reminds me of the Old Negro Space Program:

Anyways, I don't have much to say – I've been going to bed early and falling asleep at my desk quite a bit, so my creativity has been shot. Why don't you act as my muses?

Ask me any question in the comments. I'll take a day next week and answer them. Nothing is off limits.

Avitable's Superstition Primer

IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Find an eyelash and blow it away. Your wish will come true!

IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Find a pubic hair and blow it away. Your crotch will smell like the ass of a homeless man for three days.

IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Avoid cracks, because stepping on a crack will break your mother's back.

IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Don't step on that crack, because your dad's fucked.

IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Throw salt over your shoulder as soon as you spill it. You'll avoid the devil.

IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Throw the salt shaker. You will get punched by a large man named Booger.

IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Hang a horseshoe above your door. Your household will have bountiful times.

IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Only use one nail to hang it. You will soon suffer a large concussion.

IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
See a falling star. Make a wish and it will come true.

IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
See a falling star and that star is Britney Spears and she's falling on you. You will be a paraplegic.

IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Tell a performer "Break a leg" before a show. They'll give an outstanding performance.

IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Sneak up behind them and snap their leg with a crowbar. You'll be anally raped by a large prisoner named Booger.

IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Knock three times on wood after mentioning something left up to chance. This way, your good fortune will continue.

IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Knock three times on the wooden front door of your girlfriend's house while she blows you because you want it to continue. You will be shot in the face by her dad's gun.

IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Have a rabbit's foot. Fortune should follow you.

IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Have a rabbit's ear. A naked Rosie O'Donnell will follow you.

IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Blow out all of your candles on your birthday cake in one breath. Your wish will come true.

IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Blow so hard that you pass out. You will die by cake suffocation.

IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Find a four-leaf clover. You've got the luck of the Irish.

IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Find a five-leaf clover. You've got the luck of the Scottish.

and finally…

IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Open an umbrella inside. Especially if you put it over your head.

IT'S WORSE LUCK IF YOU:
Open one of those little umbrellas that come with drinks inside. Everyone will think that you're gay.

IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Cross paths with a black cat. You will experience bad luck.

IT'S WORSE LUCK IF YOU:
Cross a black hooker. You will get your ass cut.

Happy Friday the 13th!

(Reprinted from 2/13/09)