Augmented Identity

Decisions

2014-02-03T04:50:00.005-06:00

I'm writing this from the "lanai" of a sub-tropical island, listening to the ocean, and watching snorklers paddle around in a lagoon and listening to (apparently Russian, Chinese, and Korean) children play nearby.

Last week, I learned from my boss's boss that I had 48 hours to decide on what my next job would be after my assignment here in Asia ends. I'm reminded of my earlier post in 2011 about the Paradox of Choice. As you can see, I later changed my mind about the Asia opportunity, and accepted it. It's been a hard job. I've learned about myself, about my peers, my supposed friends, my true friends, and my colleagues.

My two options were:

Hardcore technical leadership
Lead a team building a next-gen product that will directly-attack a given customer need in the market. It is a "high value, high risk, high reward" technical opportunity, and requires working with several different parts of our organization, and other parts of the company. I'd take the role of team leader. One of my mentors told me that delivering on this project is an easy way to my next promotion. This job exists on PowerPoint only, but touches on hot technologies that are applicable across the industry, and make me much more "marketable." The team might evaporate in the next few months.
Strategy and Change Agent
Join a technical strategy team built up across our division (that spans thousands of people). Rotate among different parts of the division as a "change agent" applying the agenda of the senior VPs to rank and file engineers. First assignment: my own group. This job is definite, but requires me to "stay put" in the area, and prod on the residue left behind by the Dead Sea Effect, attempting to cajole, negotiate, or convince an organization VERY set in its ways to adapt to change. This assignment is a 'sure thing,' but has no specific product or technical deliverables.

I actually wrote down a pro / con list for each job, and after 36 hours of deliberation (including talking to several partisan, senior executives) I chose option #1. I immediately regretted that decision.

I'm reminded of the Paradox of Choice once again. Three days later, a colleague was publicly announced for job #2. Everyone was impressed. That could've been me. :-/ I wonder if I should've taken the strategy job just because it seems like "the point" for going on the assignment to Asia. It seems like the job that would most-maximize the time I'd spent here.

I'm still waiting on my management to set up a meeting to begin the "ramp up" process for the offer I accepted.

Someone told me to "take the definite thing." I wonder if I should've chosen option #2? Before I decided, DJ observed that I'd never have enough information to decide, and therefore I should "just flip a coin." ;-)

Of course when I get back to the US, I'll test the waters once again the job market, and see if two years of international experience changes things. ;-)

Gay Careerist: On the Power of Recommendations

2014-02-03T04:19:00.000-06:00

One of my team members here is returning to college after several years in industry. He's a great guy, smart, and a capable engineer. Unfortunately he's rare, so he is overworked on this team. When he first mentioned going back to school, I encouraged him to consider what is best for him, and most interesting and stimulating. What would get him out of bed in the morning? Over the last nine months, he became progressively more serious about school, to the point that he is sacrificing his relationship with his wife and baby son (likely leading to a divorce). He wants to go back to school badly.

A few months ago, he asked me to provide a recommendation letter for grad school admission. I gladly accepted and after a few hours, had written roughly a page of content, complete with fill-in-blanks for the names of various schools and universities. My couple-of-hour effort apparently helped enough that he was accepted into two different graduate schools.

Some tips for writing a letter:

Tell specific stories, and provide substantive proof of the the supposed reasons the candidate walks on water.
Be Honest. If the candidate is a great team player, but struggles as a self-starter (i.e. a great follower, but a bad leader), state as much.
When considering the candidate, ask yourself: "Is this candidate the best (student, employee, team member) of his (class, organization, team)? If not, is he in the top 1%? Top 10% Top 20%? 50%? See below...
If you can honestly rank him or her in the top X percent of the group, great. Consider the reasons why he or she stands out. Use two or three of these to provide a foundation for your letter.
You will likely submit multiple letters to different organizations, focused on different topics. Write accordingly.
If you can't provide a good recommendation, politely decline. Don't lie or embellish. Your reputation is on the line.

A Long Road

2013-08-07T15:37:00.001-05:00

It's been a long road, getting from there to here. The last month has been remarkably hard. I completely lost track of the month of July, and simply can't account for my weekends or free time outside of work. I've found (I think) the key players on our team, and found (unfortunately) the dead weight.

The last two weeks of problems have been caused by the dead weight.

I struggle with how to correct this guys' action. He simply does NOT seem capable of doing the right things (for example, extract and run version X.Y of the product). He instead runs version (Y.X), or takes it upon himself to "work around" a problem in the completely wrong way.

We've lost a significant portion of our US team to layoffs or attrition. This will continue. I'm not sure if I'm better-off here, or back in the US. Either way, I just submitted my resume onto a cute, "boutique" talent matching site called White Truffle. DJ (we're still together, aww!) and I are both curious to know what will come of it.

I can speak a little Chinese! I can order in restaurants now, but am now encountering a new problem: I can start a conversation, but am (in most cases) unable to finish it. :-)

So that's it... it's 4:32AM, I've been awake since 7:30AM yesterday, and worked for most of the day (and night) trying to pick up the slack / assemble the team into something useful. This is about to get messy, and I'm about to experience a massive downsizing action from the inside. It won't be pretty.

On a brighter note, the company is flying me back to the US in November for Out & Equal! DJ and I are joking about whether we should go the conference as a couple.

I miss the early feeling of the blog, and the sense of discovery. It's my hope that I can rekindle that here, or on my "other" blog, somehow, without pissing off my few remaining friends.

Time for sleep. I apologize in advance for the poor grammar, lack of cohesion, and general rambling nature of this post.
~G.

On Leadership

2013-04-17T18:34:00.001-05:00

It's been a year since I accepted my "stretch" assignment to Asia! I'm certainly stretching. It's 3:15AM, and I'm still up, after taking two hours of Mandarin classes and working with our US team for a few hours. I believe that I've reached my "capacity" for work. In a given month, I can focus my efforts and attention in only a couple of places. Out of our seven separate teams, that means that a couple will languish without my attention.

I sense some friction from one of my US colleagues, also on assignment. I can tell that he's giving me the "cold shoulder." I know why; my team is faltering, and I've yet to course-correct effectively. One of our engineers, who we were grooming into a leader, quit last week, leaving a significant gap. This happened to coincide with a trip for his peers to the US, leaving us without skills in a key area. In addition, our project is quickly entering a "crunch" mode.

My immediate reaction to his dismissal is sadness / anger / frustration. I know that there is nothing to discuss; talking it out will do nothing. I think it's something I need to handle alone by reallocating people within our teams. Of course the managers that report to me disagree. :-)

It's time for me to start kicking ass. My Mandarin instructor informed me that in Chinese culture, a leader must be dominant and assertive. If someone brokers deals, negotiates, or in other ways is "soft," he is viewed as a bad leader, and loses credibility with his organization. I'm wondering if that happened to me.

My style of leadership has matured over the last year. When I started, I would make suggestions for things that should change. In my previous team, these suggestions were accepted as good ideas (where appropriate, or refined into even better ideas). In this team, any suggestion I give is ignored. Any order I give is followed, even if it's a bad idea.

I have only two trusted lieutenants, and I need at least two more.

Gay Careerist Tip: Surround yourself with those you trust. Don't try to do everything; when your team grows to a certain size, it is impossible to "save the day." As much as it sucks, they have to fail.

To summarize: It's easy to lead a motivated and smart team. How do you deal with the rest of the population?

Layers of Emotion

2013-01-05T12:12:00.002-06:00

I've stated many times to my boyfriend that this blog exists, and even shown DJ clever tweets from the twitter account on the sidebar. He hasn't (to my knowledge) found it, however. If he has, he hasn't said anything about it. I'm wondering if it's time to show him the blog. I want him to read through the perceived ups and downs of our relationship, and what's going on "in my head."

I've been living with him for over a week. Over the last couple of days, I feel like I've opened up 100% to him, and him to me. We had our first real argument, ever. I've told him all of the secrets I could think of -- things I haven't even written on this blog. He told me secrets of his own as well. We even had makeup sex.

It was awesome. [five minutes later] Of course, psychology today says makeup sex is a bad thing. Hmm.

I had a talk with a friend about DJ's pot smoking. When I told my buddy that he's sometime smoked right out of bed, his reaction was a chuckle, followed by "He had a wake-n-bake? Ha." Things got serious, though, my buddy learned that DJ'd gone to work high. I asked what I should do, and he replied that it sounded like I'd already made up my mind. :-/

Honestly - I love him. I'm nearly-crying right now. I don't like this aspect of him. We have to talk. We're doing things with friends as if everything's fine. We're even flying to Orlando for a half-marathon in a week! But I feel like there's something bad festering below the surface. When he hugs me, I shrug away, and then warm up to him. I feel like I've put back up a series of mental barriers between us.

I feel like we should talk to a therapist. I've been to one before, when my dad ordered me to go after coming out. I enjoyed the experience, and miss having the opportunity to talk about myself without feeling greedy or selfish. I want us to have the chance to talk.

I can deal with the fact that he doesn't dust, or vacuum, or clean as often as I do. I can deal with the fact that my definition of "clean" is fundamentally different from his. I can deal with my definition of "good enough" being radically different from his. I can't deal, however, with him cheating on me with pot.

~GJ.

Trial by Fire

2013-01-04T01:30:00.000-06:00

I'm visiting the US for the holidays! 2012 has been a tumultuous year. Mom was diagnosed with cancer. I moved across the world. I've learned new things at work. I've earned new awards and recognition. I learned a lot about my boyfriend.

This post is about him, and I'm writing it from my iPad, quietly in bed, while he stays up for a bit reading.

I've been staying with him for the past week. This is my second visit, and one where we're much more comfortable around each other. We've discussed lovemaking, housekeeping standards, and food preferences. :)

Unfortunately I've learned tht he smokes pot way more than I thought in the past. While we were watching movies on a lazy, wet Saturday, he kept stepping away. I eventually followed him back to his bathroom and smelled pot smoke.

Am I overreacting? I can't visualize a relationship with a pot head. I just can't.

Back in October of 2011, he nearly blacked out, high, while we were out with his friends. I had to drive him home. This was my first real exposure to drugs. My second was when we met his home-delivery dealer (didn't know this was such a thing). When they decided to "smoke a bowl," I had a visceral reaction and nearly ran out the door. After this, he apologized and swore he'd quit. He apparently made it a year.

When I asked later, he admitted to sneaking away and apologized, and told me he'd started smoking daily again since he's been on a 2-month long vacation. He told me that some days he will smoke immediately out of bed, and smoke nearly constantly through the day until bedtime.

He's even gone to work high.

He doesn't understand why this is a big deal to me. He told me (at 4am, while slightly drunk and possibly still high) that he doesn't want me to make him choose between pot and our relationship, just because he's had a "relationship with pot" for 12 years, and me for only 18 months.

I feel let down. I feel betrayed. Disappointed. Sad. I've lost trust now. When he leaves the room, I listen to find where he's going.

He swears its not bad for him. He says that he doesn't "need" it. He says that when he's not smoking he doesnt feel a craving. He's obviously functional and social (not the typical lazy stoner stereotype), but I worry about his priorities. I worry that he said he needs to get high to "feel normal." I worry that he said that when he smokes, he smokes constantly.

I learned hat the little black spots on his bathroom tile are some sort of resin from his pipe. I learned this because there was one on the fresh clean bed sheets we just placed on the bed.

Not cool man, not cool.

Am I overreacting?

Blog Reboot - Incoherence

2012-12-04T12:32:00.002-06:00

Taking a job overseas is a roller-coaster ride of emotions. On some days, as I'm walking around downtown Taipei, cutting a path through swaths of tourists as I go about my business, I'm struck by the alienness and awesomeness of being here. The greasy, tasty smell of street food might call. A blinged out Chinese tourist may require a second glance. On other days, my life here seems normal.

I'll miss it.

Work has consumed me from 10AM to 7PM, and 9PM to 1AM (or so) every week day. Balancing that, I almost never work weekends here. I'm actually writing this because DJ is vacationing with his family, and without phone or email access. I miss him, and only just realized how important even a simple text message is as my day goes on.

My new job is to ensure that my executives' agendas are delivered, on-time, and with quality. My team has, for the most part, disappointed me. Our managers are not hungry for change, or improvement.

My team is ~30 people, which means I have a full Gaussian distribution (see what I did there?) of a software development organization, including tools, development, test, and integration experts. Some of these guys are excelling. Some, though mis-behave. Someone has:

Nodded his / her head accepting a work item, and then hoped I will go away, or forget about it
Accepted some assignment, and then done the bare minimum of what is asked
Demonstrated poor deductive reasoning skills by guessing (incorrectly) in meetings where I know the answer.
Said "that's not my job!" and failed to follow up on something important.
Said "I want Job X," and then failed to demonstrate the skills necessary to do Job X when given the opportunity.

Across the ocean, my colleagues have:

Shown mistrust for our new team
Set the new team up for failure in small ways (such as failing to send the entirety of a particular project plan)
Deferred the hard work of training and team growth month-by-month
Alienated me

Others show great talent and skill by:

Solving interesting problems
Accepting assignments, and then figuring out how to deliver on them
Collaborating effectively across teams
Demonstrated good critical thinking skills by providing insightful solutions to problems we find

After six months here, I would like to "cut my losses" and fire or push out several members of the team. I have a visceral, negative reaction to at least one of my guys, and don't trust the conclusions of a few others. I can see personality conflicts, and recognize how I want thinks to be, but fail to translate that into reality.

Day-by-day, I struggle with "doing" vs "leading." I know certain things must happen, but fail to communicate that effectively to the team, based on their action or inaction. I also struggle with being an "outsider," and have realized that I actually alienate myself somewhat intentionally (e.g. eating lunch alone).

I find my job frustrating, but for some damned reason, I wouldn't give it up.

One dilemma is quickly arising, however: What is my next job? Manager? Team Lead? Project Manager (hell no!)?

Sorry for the study in incoherence. I'll clean this up later.

~GJ.

Gauss Jordan

Chief Deck Chair Arranger, HMS Titanic

Executive Reviews + 1 week of prep work = Vacation!

2012-08-05T01:37:00.002-05:00

Gay Careerist: Executive Reviews
Last week, our new vice president and one of our principle engineers visited our new lab as part of a multi-country junket. We had to wine / dine them, tour them around, and finally show them the team that we've built over the last twelve months.

I've learned a few lessons from this experience. First, be sure to offer the option of "doing nothing" to your guests. These guys spent 10 days living in hotels, and had every hour of every day planned for them by their hosts. We fell into the same trap, and after spending a solid day with them, I realized that no one really wanted to be there. Our guests wanted to rest. We wanted to enjoy our weekend. Everyone had an equally good (or bad) time, but no one could get out of the weekend. ;-)

I spent Monday and Tuesday doing reviews with the boss. We sat through hours of meetings which culminated in my assessment of the team, and some technical demos. Another Lesson Learned: Don't do more than three demos back-to-back; everyone starts to zone out. While I don't expect things to change overnight, I did get some good outcomes. I will be meeting monthly with our new VP, which is great. :-) This will net me extra visibility, and also position me for a new job when I end the assignment.

Lesson Learned (long ago): In any meeting with a decision maker, always always have a list of demands ready to go. While walking to lunch, our VP stopped and asked "So what can I do to help you?" I'd luckily assembled just such a "wishlist," so I could answer confidently and take advantage of that opportunity.

Typhoon on my Vacation!
After days and days of work assembling PowerPoints, I decided to take off Thursday and Friday for some quiet time. Of course a Typhoon blew through on Wednesday evening, shutting down most of the city.

An umbrella got caught in a tree, and apparently caused the tree limb to be ripped down!

After a day of milling around "doing nothing," I met a colleague for dinner that suggested I get out of town on the high speed rail. The trains travel at about 300 km / hr, were quiet, comfortable, and almost serene. High speed rail is the most civilized way I've ever traveled.

Bullet Train!


Since I'm a "Jade" guest, I get a free welcome snack! Mine was "milk and cookies" and a couple of beers. ;-) This is certainly a nice way to start a trip.

After getting settled in the hotel, I ventured out with a tourist map, and saw some of the sights. Meandering around this smaller city gave me a new perspective on my relatively minor problems. The town was small, and very much "old China." Many people were going about their business on a Friday night. Families were eating dinner at sidewalk cafes. Old men were drinking in parks, telling stories (or possibly talking about me). There were glimpses of modern convenience, but only in small areas.

Twilight -- time to find a bar!

Once the sun set, Foursquare led me to a few different bars around town. I eventually settled on one western bar that reminded me of Austin, thanks to its funky artwork, cool music, and "interesting" reading library.

Not entirely sure what the three-eyed lion is up to...

My reading selection for the evening

I paged through "The Dilbert Principle," while doing my best to avoid the siren song of my work email. After a few hours and just the right number of beers, I decided to tab out and head back to the room for a quiet evening.

On my way out, I bumped into a black guy with a crocodile dundee hat. I complimented his hat, and he invited me to join his friends. I drank entirely too much. Around 12AM (I think) I called it a night, and only vaguely recall getting a cab, and only vaguely recall getting to the hotel.

The next morning I woke up, fully-dressed, lights on, window shades open. It felt like it was 5AM. I discovered that I'd apparently been sick the previous night. After cleaning up and showering, I was ready to crawl back into bed to enjoy a few more hours of sleep when I realized that it was 11AM, and I'd missed my train! An hour later at the train station the clerks were kind enough to rebook my ticket for free, and I was on my way back home with a massive hangover, and a story to tell.

When I caught up with my friends, we agreed that I'd had a "Hooters" night (I'll tell that story later), and for better or for worse, that I needed it. I agreed. ;-)

Time for me to find lunch. :-)

The Problem with Moving Across the World.

2012-07-15T05:55:00.002-05:00

The problem with moving across the world is that certain things are necessarily complex. Even with the net, Skype, email, Facebook, and Facetime, some things can only be fixed with a hug.

My parents are going through some pretty rough stuff. My mom's sick. My dad just had to put down our family dog after a long thirteen year life.

I feel like I should be there for them. DJ said he's sorry he can't be there for me.

When compared to these sorts of issues, my normal problems seem petty.

Cargo Cult Software Engineering

2012-07-02T13:38:00.000-05:00

It's been three months since my journey began as the lead software architect for our new international lab. I stay up until 2-3AM every night. I find myself with less time. I lose track of the day of the week, because I feel like I work two "work days" in the span of 24 hours. I've spent months trying to get the team here shaped up and making progress. Conveniently, they were struggling, so it was easy to show visible improvement.

Before I arrived,I met with the team for two weeks: once when I helped establish the team in 2011, and once again when I viewed apartments in early 2012. In that time, I showed them some basic tools and software development practices (e.g. scrum, sprints, demos, etc.), and left them to fend for their own devices.

When I started the assignment nine months later, I asked several very smart people for advice. The most useful (so far) has been: "Do NOT change anything when you first join an organization. Just sit back and watch for a month. It may bother you, but you'll get to see who will be your allies, who will be your enemies, and who must go." I did this, and found that my initial gut feeling of right / wrong were correct, but for all the wrong reasons.

When I sat and watched, this team generated thousands of words of status documents (powerpoints, wikis, emails) every week. For months, I struggled to describe what I observed. They produced all this noise and had hours of meetings every week, but did very little actual work. It occurred to me earlier today, however: I'd created a Cargo Cult.

WWII Cargo Cults built shrines to lost technology, with the hopes of somehow regaining the gifts and splendor from their lost patrons.

This is an excellent example of Cargo Cult Software Engineering. They held daily scrums. They held weekly status meetings. They sent around status charts and emails, all showing pages and pages of activity. Their managers politely nodded, either from ignorance, or from lack of caring.

I'm changing this, but it's going slowly for three reasons:

This is what we've always done! Why change it?
They've reported status this way for months to executives.They fear changing it because it will make them look "less busy."
Some people are genuinely lazy, and perfectly happy to collect a paycheck for doing nothing. I think at least one of them believed this was a reward for earlier hard work.

They are under-utilized, good at what they do, and able to deliver more. Their respective team leads, however, are not driving them hard enough. If these guys would stand up and tell the truth, however, this problem would be solved. Unfortunately they won't for cultural, societal, or political reasons.

I've started to "rebalance" the teams, but some of this is unfortunately out of my control. I am "subcontractor in chief." I'm making a last-minute bid to change this at the end of July (1/6th of the way through my assignment!). If it fails, and I remain subcontractor in chief, I will stop fighting, stop working 18 hours a day, stop pushing, and just start enjoying my 18-month vacation with expense account.

My New Digs, pt. 1 -- What do you think?

2012-05-20T11:17:00.000-05:00

Time to reboot the blog! I've been "abroad" for six weeks now, and finally have both time and energy to update the blog. I give you the first of two tours, via pictures. I've "settled in," I think, and sort of think of this place as "not quite home." I still think of my house in Texas as "my home." The fact that someone else is living there now (some random people that I'll never meet) hasn't settled in.

More update are to come in the next few days:

I miss DJ
My mom reaches out to me -- for a reason.
I impersonate Anthony Bourdain
My personal trainer kicks my ass
I work too much
My coworkers probably find out that I'm gay

"The Building," as viewed from street level.

Front Gate - Security checkpoint #1. I received two access cards and five metal keys of various sorts when I moved in. The access cards are required for each "checkpoint."

Main Entrance. The lobby floors are hidden behind glass panels.

The Building, up close

Main Lobby -- Security Checkpoint #2

Main Lobby

Lobby Elevator Banks - Security Checkpoint #3.

Residents' Lobby, with "Zen ponds" on the left and a live mural on the right

Residents' Elevator Access -- Security Checkpoint #4. Only residents of my half of the building are allowed access to the next lobby...

Residents' Elevator -- Security Checkpoint #5. My access card only gets me to the basement garage, the private lobby, or my floor. Access is otherwise restricted.

My Floor's Lobby -- Security Checkpoint #6. Once I'm on my floor, I can only access my half of the floor.

My Door! -- Notice the lack of windows. All lights in the lobbies and hallways are motion-sensitive, so when no one's present, the hallways are pitch black.

The View. And no, I didn't run this through Instragram. :-)

Moved. Made it. Barely.

2012-04-08T11:16:00.001-05:00

The big move's 95% complete. I'm in Asia, and moved into my new apartment. I'll take pictures when my stuff's not strewn about the place.

Casualties:

My pride
My kindle (it's missing, I've searched my hotel room *and* my new apartment)
My sense of place in the world. I feel slightly lost at the moment. I don't know where things are in this city (or even in this apartment).
My American sense of scale

Pre-Move Panic

2012-03-22T01:25:00.001-05:00

"Delay is the deadliest form of denial." ~ A random fortune cookie

I'm actually moving to Asia. It's real. I have a date set, and it's in ~10 days. I haven't packed any of my house at all. I haven't sold my possessions. I haven't said my goodbyes.

All of these things have just hit me, and I'm nearly crying with worry, in bed.

I like my life right now. I like my things. I like my friends. I like my house. Years ago, when I first moved in, I noticed that my car was still my most-prized possession. That's no longer true. Everything in my life is being upset, at some cost. I'm not sure how to quantify it (or even if its healthy to do so). In fact, I wonder if I should set up another therapy session (over the phone, of course). I've left many, many unresolved decisions -- (should I store, sell, or give away my [bed, grill, recliner, etc.]?).

I've been lying in bed for the last 30 minutes, trying to go to sleep, but I'm choked up, anxious, and worried. I feel almost frozen with fear and nervousness. I need to send out pictures of my things and invite my friends to a "buy my stuff" party ASAP, but I simply don't want to part with these things. All of the big items may be replaced, but by selling them, I'm disconnecting my roots from this city that I've called my home for the last seven years.

I'm disconnecting myself from my friends that've been there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on, or even a wing man on a Friday night. I'm disconnecting myself, at least partially, from my boyfriend, who I love. In every hypothetical "Career or Relationship -- which would you choose?" question, I've chosen my career. I've felt like I can always manage the relationship, in some way. I'm not sure about that any longer. I already know that I'll miss my boyfriend, and that he'll miss me. He makes me a better person, and I need his influence.

I don't want to say goodbye. Selling these things, clearing this place out for another soul to live within its walls (most likely forever) is a true and real acknowledgement of my departure, and I'm just not ready for it.

I don't know if I'll ever be, but it's too late to back out now.

Strange Memories of a Different Hotel Room

2012-02-20T00:05:00.001-06:00

I'm on the East Coast for work. I've checked in to my hotel, and just wrapped up a meeting with my team in Asia. As I sit here at 1:00AM, I'm reminded of a different hotel, back in Texas. About a year ago, I tried to "hook up" with a semi-friend that I know from the Internet, and have hung out with once or twice. A buddy of his was in town for the night, and they invited me over to their hotel room. The only rule: "No pants allowed after the door closes." Since I was in my "Don't say 'No'" phase, I accepted, showered, and drove over.

It was a strange experience. His buddy seemed to instinctively want to prove himself to me. We sat around in our underwear and t-shirts, and talked about work (of all things) for an hour. He even showed a prototype (supposedly secret) laptop design to me, opening the case and showing off the components and specs.

After I failed to rise to his "challenges" as alpha geek, the three of us squeezed into his / their king bed, and just laid there, side-by-side for hours, talking, comparing notes on past boyfriends, and (in general) not having sex.

After an hour or two, I started to "gently caress" the guy I knew (he was in the middle), and he responded in kind. Unfortunately none of us had manned up enough to actually make the first move and "do anything."

I left an hour or two later around 4AM with two things: 1. Blue Balls, and 2. The knowledge that I can never, ever have fun in a casual "hotel room hookup," which is useful.

Unfortunately, this hotel room, while nice, reminds me of that night so long ago. :-/

Valentine's Day

2012-02-13T01:07:00.002-06:00

This is my first Valentine's Day in a real, actual relationship. I like DJ. A lot.

A month ago, I booked a reservation at a nifty restaurant downtown. Weeks ago I bought him some (god awful in my opinion) sunglasses from a designer that he fancies. Two weeks ago, I ordered fresh, warm cookies (with two ice-cold milks!) to be delivered to his office, with a small note and a heart-shaped balloon. Last week, I actually tried to buy him some James Tudor underwear that he mentioned he liked in an off-hand comment months ago, but LA Jock just cancelled my order. :-(

I fear that I've gone a bit too far.

xkcd: "Valentine Dilemma"

Update: SHIT. I just realized that I haven't gotten him a card.

Denting the Universe

2012-02-11T16:43:00.000-06:00

I asked for and received a Kindle for Christmas. This is important for two reasons: 1. The Kindle is magical as it simply falls away as you read a given book, and 2. I just flew 16,198 miles in seven days which meant I needed some reading material.*

On a layover, I finished the witty and charming "When You Are Engulfed in Flames," and found myself frantically searching for more reading fodder ("kindling?") for my 14.75 hour trans-Pacific flight. Literally in a panic, as the door of the plane is closing, I skimmed the best sellers list on Amazon, and landed on the biography of Steve Jobs. I've yet to put it down.

One of the points that continues to arise throughout the early part of Steve's and Apple's story is a drive to make a difference. Quoting Steve:

“We’re here to put a dent in the universe. Otherwise why else even be here?”

I think I can make a dent in the universe. I don't know how, yet, but I think I can. Is this unnatural, or unfounded? Is it presumptuous? Pretentious? Naive? My parents raised me with the belief that I could do anything, or go anywhere. I'm certainly going places; I just picked out a pretty nice apartment in Taipei, and will be living there with an expense account for a while. I used to think, though, that I could be CEO of my company, or President of the United States. At some point in the last six years, I lost that belief, and that confidence. I'm not sure why or when that happened.

I suppose this is simply "being realistic."A friend and colleague blames my management, and organization. He says I should "get out now-now-NOW." If I "got out," though, I wouldn't be able to move to Taiwan. Of course other organizations probably wouldn't nickel and dime me as this area has (I'm still bitter about the financial package). I think, dear readers, that I've grown bored. I have the bandwidth, time, and (possibly) the skill to start a company. I've realized that my current company needs me more than I need it, so I've decided to stop kowtowing to illogical, irrational, or simply stupid managerial requests. I'm uprooting my life and moving to Asia. It'll be a tremendous success, or a tremendous failure, but it'll be fun.

I've chatted with several disjoint groups of colleagues from work, and all are interested in starting a company. Unfortunately very few have the foresight to create and market a product that consumers didn't know they needed.

My background is fairly-diverse. I'm a mixed race gay guy. I'm a furry. I have two degrees, and a kick ass boyfriend. I'm a hacker. I'm a geek, and was even a band nerd, growing up. I speak 1.5 languages, and will be rounding that up to an even "2" when I finish my course on Mandarin. One of my parents is a naturalized citizen, and I've set foot on four continents. I vaguely-hope that something in this mixture of experiences, traits, and skills will produce that illusive spark of an idea, worthy of a company.

I want to have a demo ready for SXSW 2013. Of what, I have no clue. Time to find out if I can dent the universe.

* This is an average speed, by the way, of 96.4 miles per hour over 168 hours. :-)

January Braindump (Christmas, Vacations, Work, and Sex)

2012-01-30T09:04:00.001-06:00

I'm still alive, dear reader, and my assignment to Asia's been confirmed. My boyfriend's awesome, and work (domestically) is pretty good. Work with our new development team continues to be exhausting.

Stuck @ Christmas
I visited my parents over Christmas, and had a "normal" good time. Nothing extraordinarily good or bad happened, but it certainly felt like we were going through the motions. I was marking time, waiting for my return trip to Austin, and to DJ. In fact I spent about as much time worrying about which gift is best for him as I did for my parents.

"Staycation" with DJ
The night I flew in, he came over, and we exchanged gifts. I gave him some socks, and a pair of center-stage tickets to a play that intrigued both of us. He gave me some shirts, a nice bottle of cologne from one of my favorite brands, a scarf, and a mystery surprise gift that required that I pack an overnight bag. He gave way better gifts than I did. That usually doesn't happen.* :-)

The next day, his surprise kicked off. He showed up that afternoon, grabbed my dufflebag, and kicked off our "staycation" by checking us in a room at a historic Austin landmark. Our room was at the top of the hotel, and overlooked the Hill Country West of Austin. We spent the afternoon cuddling on the bed (they had a fur comforter!) and settled in to watch football.

Our Victorian-era hotel, set against the backdrop of modern Austin

A room like ours. We found multiple uses for it. ;-)

Just around halftime, a knock came at the door. DJ had ordered chocolate-dipped strawberries and champagne, to kick off our night. We spent the rest of the evening roaming downtown Austin, from bar to bar, and restaurant to restaurant watching football, enjoying excellent food, and each others company.**

This was one of the best gifts that I've received so far.

Work is... work.
I got a top 10% rating, which is unheard of after getting a promotion. I've earned multiple innovation bonuses (mostly writing patents), and realized just how remarkable the team my current team in Austin truly is.

Work in Asia continues to be stressful and frustrating. I feel like I need to redefine "success" for this job, to avoid being unhappy. Inc has an interesting article on this very topic. It tends to mirror the same basic premise as "The Paradox of Choice," which states that we can control our stress and happiness levels by changing our expectations as humans.

Off to Asia
I'll write more later (this has consumed much of my free time), but my assignment to Asia has actually been confirmed. For real. I managed to negotiate a househunting trip in four days. My management is still being cheap. They've nearly cancelled the assignment multiple times. They're still short-changing me. I'll still make money, but I'll be making about $20,000 less than the other assignees from our division.

DJ is excited for me, but I know that this will put stress on our relationship. We're planning to keep it going while I'm away, and I've already started looking for ways to come back to see him, and ways for him to fly out and see me.

Oddly-enough, I'm moving in 30 days, and KNOW I should be busy. Unfortunately I simply don't know what to do, or where to start, so each and every weekend has been lazy, and possibly wasted. I feel like I should get out and see my friends, or fix up my house, or sort through my possessions. I've tried to do all three simultaneously and failed, so far.

Sex
Would it surprise you to know that there's still one last closet that I need to come out of? When I became good at cybersex, I discovered that I like a certain kind of roleplay (I feel uncomfortable talking about it here, which is strange, since I know only two of you IRL). I need to tell DJ, since I'm not 100% giving myself to him when we roll around on the bed together. Combine this with the fact that I always "top," and I'm sometimes unfulfilled. He says that he won't top, because he's a physically smaller guy (in multiple ways) than I am. I don't want to bring his size up, because that makes him self-conscious.

How do you broach the subject of "kinky" sex?

* In my defense, before Christmas he basically told me (multiple times) that he was giving me a scarf, so I calibrated (and recalibrated again) my dollar figures to avoid giving him too much. It turns out he did the same thing, in the opposite direction.

** Vacation sex is fun.

Gym Etiquitte for a Gay Couple Working Out Together?

2011-12-15T08:54:00.001-06:00

"Nudist Locker Room" by Olivander

DJ invited me to his spin class this today. We'll get to the gym, get changed, and then work out until we're both glazed in mansweat. Is a slap on the ass encouragement, or foreplay? Should I wear my jockstrap, or briefs? If briefs, 2XIST or Fruit of the Loom? Does one cover up, or let it all hang out?

I've only been in a public shower / locker room a few times in my life, and usually timed my trips to avoid crowds. Today, we'll hit the lunch rush and that'll be impossible.

Time to learn Austin's locker room etiquette.

Contentment (or Lack Thereof)

2011-12-13T22:47:00.002-06:00

"Drink deeply the illusion of your safety." That's how a very good friend opened a post about satisfaction and self-confidence.* Throughout my life, things have gone well for me. I'm successful, have a pretty good relationship, a good career with several great opportunities, and lots of comfortable toys. I can take vacations when I what, buy what I want, and do nothing, when I choose to be lazy.

Throughout my life, though, I've feel impatient. I've felt resentment. I've felt a drive to measure myself against others, and always myself in terms of "Winner" or "Loser." It's probably unhealthy, but I realized that my first journal entry in 2003 shows how far I've come, and how far I have yet to go:

Today, at work I tried (again) to be productive. I find this stuff so boring and unappealing! I very much want this summer to end. Being online and chatting with friends is the highlight of my day. I think that's wrong. I don't want to write code for a living, though!

I want to get into [highly selective business / innovation internship program] so badly now. I like working with my mentor, and like knowing our staff, but I miss being able to work with other people my age. I'm an outsider in all the co-ops, my only semi-friend is this strange guy that likes anime, and seems a bit too gothy to be normal. We're both outsiders.

Also, I'm thinking one of these days I'm going to start accepting that I'm gay. It's really hard for me to write that. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I think about it now. I downloaded this gay slice-of-life comic book, and it really moved me, almost to tears. I wish I could have the sorts of relationships that the main character has. But no, I can't come out as gay yet. I'm still not sure.

I used to define my problems in terms of being in the closet, or not having the right job. Throughout this, though, I realize that much of my stress comes from a tendency to define things in terms of lost or inaccessible opportunities (e.g. "If I'd come out when I was in high school, I could've had a boyfriend like everyone else." or "If only I'd accepted [job x]. I would have gotten a promotion earlier.").

There's a certain paranoia and insecurity in that logic, I think.

* Read his musings at Blogging is Still Honest.

Relationship Forecast: Partly-Cloudy

2011-11-14T22:22:00.001-06:00

DJ and I spent most of the weekend together. Friday night, we went out with a few of his friends from college that were in town for a wedding. I got to meet some people that knew him years earlier, and listened to stories about various escapades. We had a pretty good time, though I felt a little awkward when his buddy asked DJ if he had some pot. DJ told him that he'd quit, but offered to help him get some. I stayed silent, and when the conversation moved on, joined back in.

Saturday, DJ and I joined some of my friends for an Oktoberfest celebration in a town just south of Austin. We enjoyed lots of food, and lots of beer. Since I drove, I stayed pleasantly-buzzed, but reasonably-sober. DJ, however, drank quite a bit, and felt ill toward the end of the evening from too much beer. We left, not only because he was feeling queasy, but also because he needed to get back to Austin to buy some pot for his buddy. :-/ I drove us back and was saying my "goodbyes" for the evening when the doorbell rang; his dealer had arrived.

I'd never met a drug dealer before. He looked normal enough (maybe even cute, in a Hunter Parrish from "Weeds" sort of way). I froze up and spent the next few minutes just watching from across the room. There's apparently a protocol for payment and reception of "goods," where money never directly-changes hands. I wondered briefly if this young, good-looking, well-spoken guy had a weapon as he fished a baggie out of his pocket. Once the deal was done, the guy asked DJ "So, you want to smoke a bowl?" DJ replied "Sure," and I immediately started for the door. I made it all the way there before I realized I hadn't even put down the glass that was in my hand. I said goodbye from afar, and left, feeling like I'd just witnessed something that couldn't be undone.

Thirty minutes later, DJ texted me that the guy was gone. We messaged for a few minutes, and I decided to drive back over, since I didn't want to go to bed feeling angry / sad / frustrated / generally emotional with him. As soon as I got back, I could smell pot smoke. I was silent. He put the stuff he'd bought for his friend in the garage, and I just stood, watching him. His eyes were red.

He hugged me, and just started saying "I'm sorry," quietly. I didn't hug back. I can't really tell what emotion this invoked. Sadness or disappointment seem to fit. I'm angry, but I can't tell if it's with myself, or with him. He told me that he likes that I'm "clean." I turned on the AC to clear out the room, and just sat with him, quietly watching a movie while he sobered up.

Mid-way through the show, DJ's buddy showed up. He expected to hang out and smoke, I think, and DJ told him that he couldn't stay. The guy realized he was interrupting and apologized, but lit up some of the pot before heading out the door. I just stared, and tried to ignore my discomfort.

We spent Sunday together golfing with some of his friends, only tacitly acknowledging Saturday evening. We talked, briefly, but I didn't confront him. We need to talk in-person. Text messages or even phone calls seem like the wrong medium to have this conversation.

I want to have a fight with him, but know that it's irrational.

Emotions suck.

He Quit. :-)

2011-10-28T17:09:00.001-05:00

Wednesday evening, I met DJ and two of his friends for another Austin Film Fest movie. I was late thanks to work, so I slid into a seat just as the show started. It turns out that before I'd gotten there, he'd eaten another pot cookie. I had no idea.

Two hours later we decided to have dinner, and walked over to a restaurant. Everyone was having a good time, but I'd noticed that he was a little more quiet than usual. When we started to get up to leave, he stayed seated, and admitted that he wasn't feeling well. His friends immediately asked, "The cookie?" He nodded. I didn't know he'd eaten one. I drove him home. We talked a little in the car about it, but he wasn't really up to a conversation.

The next day, he was fine. We talked over dinner, and he told me that this has happened before, but never this badly. I thought he was just queasy, but it turns out that while the four of us were chatting at dinner, he started to experience tunnel vision, and blacked out for a few seconds.

I didn't notice! :-( The thought of this is scary for me.

It was apparently scarier for him to experience first-hand. He's quit. I'm happy for him, and for us.

In fact, he's coming over now, so I'm going to make my place pretty, and make myself presentable. Peace out. :-)

Getting to Know Your Man, For Better or For Worse

2011-10-24T19:19:00.000-05:00

"Smoke VII," by pascalbovet.com

In the last two weeks I've learned more about my boyfriend than I've learned in the previous 2.5 months. There are things I like (his mastery of current events, politics, and general geekiness on a variety of subjects), and things that I don't like (below).

We spent a long weekend in the Pacific Northwest. DJ took a leap of faith, and flew out to join us. He (and I) have never traveled as part of a couple before. We both had a great time. :-) He meshed well with my friends, and we even got a few vacation "intimate moments" in after everyone else had turned in (a first for both of us while on vacation). ;-)

We even had our first 100% frank conversation about Asia, careers, and our relationship. He told me that because of the assignment, he can't make that next level of emotional commitment to me. He's also told me that my ambition and drive are two things that he finds highly-attractive in me. We talked it out, and decided that if I go, our relationship ends, at least until I return. It was cathartic. We stayed up until 4AM talking about it. I cried. He cried. We hugged.

More recently, I learned just how huge of a movie geek he is. We've been attending the Austin Film Festival, and discovered movies we both liked and both disliked. It's been a great diversion, but a week-long film fest (with 2-3 movies on our agenda per day) is a big time commitment. We've set up a schedule with another couple, and have been screening a pretty wide range of movies.

One of those films was a an Austin-based "stoner" flick, filmed around town. As we were planning out the schedule, he told me that he would probably get high with a friend before the movie. I didn't approve, but I didn't voice my opinion. This is my first mistake. The night of the movie, I learned that "getting high" meant "eat pot cookies while standing in line." Ever since that moment, watching him, I've felt like a small wall has gone up that will forever separate us.

We watched the movie. He presumably felt his high (or buzz, or whatever). I watched for changes in behavior, and saw none. Three hours later, he drove us home, and we chatted for a bit at his house before I went home for some much-needed sleep. When I got home, I googled Cannabis Foods, and discovered that depending on the recipe, the effects of these can persist for several hours.

After that moment of googling, I realized that the "giddiness" at his house was probably due to the cookies from hours earlier. I think he may have driven me (15 miles) home, while high.*

I'm not OK with this. At all. I'm angry just thinking about it. Google has a mixture of articles saying everything from it's OK to drive high, "OK-adjacent," to outright dangerous.

I'm confronting him the next time we have some quiet time.

I'm angered even more because the same friend that he gets high with doesn't drink. When DJ goes out with the friend, he doesn't drink either, out of respect for her. He didn't show me the same respect a few nights ago.

This is an angry post. I apologize. I didn't intend to write one. :-/

* The word "high" appears many times in this post. I lack the vocabulary to even describe his state of being / mind. "Stoned" doesn't fit, based on urbandictionary, anyway.

Unplugged (Sorta)

2011-10-10T02:30:00.004-05:00

I'm officially on vacation. As is tradition, I've taken some time off around my birthday to unwind, unplug, and relax. I'm typing this from a 2nd-story deck, overlooking wilderness, somewhere in Washington state. My friends and I have rented a 4,700 sq ft mansion. It's stopped raining, the moon is out, and it's cool. I'm wearing a jacket for the first time this year. My camera's somewhere downstairs, so I've "liberated" these off of the home's website.

Great Room

Living Room

Rear Deck

I'm "unplugged" for the first time in a year. I won't deal with work, call into night meetings, or suffer through arguments and indecision about our new Asian development lab. I can instead enjoy the awesome deck, the hot tub, and the kick-ass media room (though I did recable things slightly in the "great room" downstairs, to pipe Internet Audio into the whole-house sound system.

This place is opulent. It's serene. It's elegant. It's romantic. It makes me wish DJ was here. He's flying up, but will be here only after we've checked out of the mansion, and into a much more "normal" house closer to the coast. I invited him a month or so ago, and told him that he's welcome to join my usual cadre of traveling friends for the week. He accepted, but only for the second half of the trip. I sent him pictures of the first house, since we hadn't yet booked the second one in town. Unfortunately, he's only going to get a "1907 craftsman-era bungalow, convenient to everything." When we booked the second house, I simply wasn't aware of what my friends had chosen. It's pedestrian. It's old. It looks... "normal."

Media Room, with 96" Screen! This certainly won't fit into a "craftsman-era bungalow."

In Door Basketball Court -- nevermind that none of us have touched a basketball in years.

I feel like I royally messed up. I feel like I sold him a bill of goods that I can't deliver. I worry that he'll be disappointed in the trip, since he's missing this great house. I worry that he'll feel like I tricked him into coming up here. I sent him pictures of the "regular" house at least three times, but I'm not entirely sure he's clicked into them. I even told him we're renting two places, and that the second one wasn't as nice -- but I only found out about it after he'd bought his plane ticket. I worry that we haven't coordinated well enough.

I worry that we don't communicate about important things, like our relationship, and this trip. I even worry about my sexual performance with him. The last few times we've been intimate, I've actually had trouble "performing." Usually I have the opposite problem of finishing before my partner. Last week, I actually faked an orgasm for the first time in my life, just to avoid continuing the "lack of performance" awkwardness. It turns out that with condoms and a well-stimulated partner, this is actually possible. We should talk about this, probably. I just don't know how to bring it up.

I want him to have fun. I want to have fun with him. I worry about him, and what he thinks of me, and what'll happen to us if I go to Asia, or if I stay in Austin. My friends like him. I love him, I think. He has feelings for me, but they're tainted by the looming possibility that I may move to Asia next year. This trip will sway things one way or the other. My friends here tell me that I need to quit worrying and just enjoy this vacation. I haven't found a way to do that, yet.

Exploring the Spectrum of Masculinity in a Weekend

2011-10-07T18:11:00.000-05:00

Last weekend, I once again explored the full spectrum of masculinity, and in the same 24 hours: Shot firearms, watched football, ran a race, got a couple's massage, and a "gentleman's facial." :-)

At 7 yards, we both managed to keep our shots on-target!

DJ and I went out to the firing range Saturday morning, where I discovered that he's an eerily-good shot. We took turns firing scoped rifles and .40 handguns at various targets. I kept a few as mementos. :-) Afterward, we headed back to my place for an evening of beer, pizza, and football.* We parted ways that night, since I had to get up super-early to continue my renewed running plan and run my 2nd 10K of the year.

10k Race: 53m35s completion time, with an average pace of 8m38s / mile. Note that I did not, in fact, have several heart attacks during the run. I hope. ;-)

The race went well, though I was several minutes slower than my previous-year's time for this same course. This is, in all honestly, due to my own laziness. My running buddy's stopped, so I stopped as well. I'm now forcing myself to go three times per week, and can see a steady improvement, once again.

After the run, DJ and I had our first "Couple's Massage & Facial." I've since run out of "facial" jokes. ;-) The massage was absolutely awesome. Since I pushed myself at the race that morning, I felt tired, and torn up. By that evening, I felt like I could go out for yet another run. During the facial, for better or for worse, I apparently started snoring. I'm still kind of embarrassed by this.

We got lunch at an excellent Italian cafe afterward, and then went our separate ways for the evening, since we both had work to do for Monday.

Overall, an excellent weekend. :-)

* At this point in the story, my straight friends are usually jealous.

"Mom, I've got a Date." ==> :'-(

2011-09-21T20:46:00.000-05:00

"Rainbow Cake Surprise!" by Conor Keller

Today's my birthday! I woke up to the sun rising through my window, and a pair of phone calls from my parents. :-) I'm twenty-nine now. Someone asked, "Are you where you thought you'd be?" I guess I am, but I don't really know where I thought I'd be. I'm out. I have a boyfriend, a nice house, cool friends, and live in a great city. I sometimes hate and sometimes love my job, and have once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. I've had a champagne lunch on the floor of the Grand Canyon, and have had a beer-and-ice cream float while watching the sun set at the top of one of the world's tallest buildings.

I don't have any plans for today. I'm throwing a party for ~20 friends this weekend, but tonight, got takeout, and watched some Daily Show on my DVR. When DJ heard that this was my plan, he insisted on coming over. He'll be here soon.

I called my parents to thank them for the card I'd sent, and had a conversation similar to this:

Dad: "Happy Birthday to yooooooou!"
Me: "Thanks Dad."
Dad: "Are you out? Do you have any plans?"
Me (calculating): "Well... actually... I have a date."
Dad (smiling): "You've got a date. Really. Your Mom's just perked up. Hold on."
Mom: "Hellllo?"
Me: "Hi Mom!"
Mom: "Did I get my Birthday Wish?" (I could hear a smile in her voice.)
Me: "Umm... I have a date. He's a programmer at a local company, and I really like him, and we've been going out for about a month."
(Dead Silence)
Mom, her voice cold: "Here. Talk to your Father."

I was nervous about this, but was kind of optimistic, given the card they'd sent. It was encouraging, saying that they were proud of me, and supported me, and so on. The next five minutes of our call were heartbreaking. My dad told me that they still support me, but that they were still hoping that I'd "find a nice girl, or a woman."

Dad told me that there are people in his family, and mom's family that "don't approve of that lifestyle."* He rambled for a few minutes, struggling to find words, but asked me to stay in the closet, but be true to myself, and "find balance." He handed the phone back to mom.

I told her that if they're still coming into town this weekend, they'll get to meet him, maybe. I don't remember her reply. She and I said an awkward goodbye, and I hung up, and sat at my kitchen table, feeling a little more alone.

That didn't go well.

I'm now stuck at an impasse. I have a party this weekend with a lot of my friends. I've invited my parents. I can:

Let the "gay" and "family" worlds collide.
Choose the "family" world, and ask him to please "take one for the team," and not show up.
Choose my friends, and ask my parents to please come a different weekend
Cancel the entire thing.

I feel like cancelling the entire party right now.

* I think. I don't remember the words anymore. I just remember trying not to cry on the phone.