Augmented Identity

Valentine's Day

2012-02-13T01:07:00.002-06:00

This is my first Valentine's Day in a real, actual relationship. I like DJ. A lot.

A month ago, I booked a reservation at a nifty restaurant downtown. Weeks ago I bought him some (god awful in my opinion) sunglasses from a designer that he fancies. Two weeks ago, I ordered fresh, warm cookies (with two ice-cold milks!) to be delivered to his office, with a small note and a heart-shaped balloon. Last week, I actually tried to buy him some James Tudor underwear that he mentioned he liked in an off-hand comment months ago, but LA Jock just cancelled my order. :-(

I fear that I've gone a bit too far.

xkcd: "Valentine Dilemma"

Update: SHIT. I just realized that I haven't gotten him a card.

Denting the Universe

2012-02-11T16:43:00.000-06:00

I asked for and received a Kindle for Christmas. This is important for two reasons: 1. The Kindle is magical as it simply falls away as you read a given book, and 2. I just flew 16,198 miles in seven days which meant I needed some reading material.*

On a layover, I finished the witty and charming "When You Are Engulfed in Flames," and found myself frantically searching for more reading fodder ("kindling?") for my 14.75 hour trans-Pacific flight. Literally in a panic, as the door of the plane is closing, I skimmed the best sellers list on Amazon, and landed on the biography of Steve Jobs. I've yet to put it down.

One of the points that continues to arise throughout the early part of Steve's and Apple's story is a drive to make a difference. Quoting Steve:

“We’re here to put a dent in the universe. Otherwise why else even be here?”

I think I can make a dent in the universe. I don't know how, yet, but I think I can. Is this unnatural, or unfounded? Is it presumptuous? Pretentious? Naive? My parents raised me with the belief that I could do anything, or go anywhere. I'm certainly going places; I just picked out a pretty nice apartment in Taipei, and will be living there with an expense account for a while. I used to think, though, that I could be CEO of my company, or President of the United States. At some point in the last six years, I lost that belief, and that confidence. I'm not sure why or when that happened.

I suppose this is simply "being realistic."A friend and colleague blames my management, and organization. He says I should "get out now-now-NOW." If I "got out," though, I wouldn't be able to move to Taiwan. Of course other organizations probably wouldn't nickel and dime me as this area has (I'm still bitter about the financial package). I think, dear readers, that I've grown bored. I have the bandwidth, time, and (possibly) the skill to start a company. I've realized that my current company needs me more than I need it, so I've decided to stop kowtowing to illogical, irrational, or simply stupid managerial requests. I'm uprooting my life and moving to Asia. It'll be a tremendous success, or a tremendous failure, but it'll be fun.

I've chatted with several disjoint groups of colleagues from work, and all are interested in starting a company. Unfortunately very few have the foresight to create and market a product that consumers didn't know they needed.

My background is fairly-diverse. I'm a mixed race gay guy. I'm a furry. I have two degrees, and a kick ass boyfriend. I'm a hacker. I'm a geek, and was even a band nerd, growing up. I speak 1.5 languages, and will be rounding that up to an even "2" when I finish my course on Mandarin. One of my parents is a naturalized citizen, and I've set foot on four continents. I vaguely-hope that something in this mixture of experiences, traits, and skills will produce that illusive spark of an idea, worthy of a company.

I want to have a demo ready for SXSW 2013. Of what, I have no clue. Time to find out if I can dent the universe.

* This is an average speed, by the way, of 96.4 miles per hour over 168 hours. :-)

January Braindump (Christmas, Vacations, Work, and Sex)

2012-01-30T09:04:00.001-06:00

I'm still alive, dear reader, and my assignment to Asia's been confirmed. My boyfriend's awesome, and work (domestically) is pretty good. Work with our new development team continues to be exhausting.

Stuck @ Christmas
I visited my parents over Christmas, and had a "normal" good time. Nothing extraordinarily good or bad happened, but it certainly felt like we were going through the motions. I was marking time, waiting for my return trip to Austin, and to DJ. In fact I spent about as much time worrying about which gift is best for him as I did for my parents.

"Staycation" with DJ
The night I flew in, he came over, and we exchanged gifts. I gave him some socks, and a pair of center-stage tickets to a play that intrigued both of us. He gave me some shirts, a nice bottle of cologne from one of my favorite brands, a scarf, and a mystery surprise gift that required that I pack an overnight bag. He gave way better gifts than I did. That usually doesn't happen.* :-)

The next day, his surprise kicked off. He showed up that afternoon, grabbed my dufflebag, and kicked off our "staycation" by checking us in a room at a historic Austin landmark. Our room was at the top of the hotel, and overlooked the Hill Country West of Austin. We spent the afternoon cuddling on the bed (they had a fur comforter!) and settled in to watch football.

Our Victorian-era hotel, set against the backdrop of modern Austin

A room like ours. We found multiple uses for it. ;-)

Just around halftime, a knock came at the door. DJ had ordered chocolate-dipped strawberries and champagne, to kick off our night. We spent the rest of the evening roaming downtown Austin, from bar to bar, and restaurant to restaurant watching football, enjoying excellent food, and each others company.**

This was one of the best gifts that I've received so far.

Work is... work.
I got a top 10% rating, which is unheard of after getting a promotion. I've earned multiple innovation bonuses (mostly writing patents), and realized just how remarkable the team my current team in Austin truly is.

Work in Asia continues to be stressful and frustrating. I feel like I need to redefine "success" for this job, to avoid being unhappy. Inc has an interesting article on this very topic. It tends to mirror the same basic premise as "The Paradox of Choice," which states that we can control our stress and happiness levels by changing our expectations as humans.

Off to Asia
I'll write more later (this has consumed much of my free time), but my assignment to Asia has actually been confirmed. For real. I managed to negotiate a househunting trip in four days. My management is still being cheap. They've nearly cancelled the assignment multiple times. They're still short-changing me. I'll still make money, but I'll be making about $20,000 less than the other assignees from our division.

DJ is excited for me, but I know that this will put stress on our relationship. We're planning to keep it going while I'm away, and I've already started looking for ways to come back to see him, and ways for him to fly out and see me.

Oddly-enough, I'm moving in 30 days, and KNOW I should be busy. Unfortunately I simply don't know what to do, or where to start, so each and every weekend has been lazy, and possibly wasted. I feel like I should get out and see my friends, or fix up my house, or sort through my possessions. I've tried to do all three simultaneously and failed, so far.

Sex
Would it surprise you to know that there's still one last closet that I need to come out of? When I became good at cybersex, I discovered that I like a certain kind of roleplay (I feel uncomfortable talking about it here, which is strange, since I know only two of you IRL). I need to tell DJ, since I'm not 100% giving myself to him when we roll around on the bed together. Combine this with the fact that I always "top," and I'm sometimes unfulfilled. He says that he won't top, because he's a physically smaller guy (in multiple ways) than I am. I don't want to bring his size up, because that makes him self-conscious.

How do you broach the subject of "kinky" sex?

* In my defense, before Christmas he basically told me (multiple times) that he was giving me a scarf, so I calibrated (and recalibrated again) my dollar figures to avoid giving him too much. It turns out he did the same thing, in the opposite direction.

** Vacation sex is fun.

Gym Etiquitte for a Gay Couple Working Out Together?

2011-12-15T08:54:00.001-06:00

"Nudist Locker Room" by Olivander

DJ invited me to his spin class this today. We'll get to the gym, get changed, and then work out until we're both glazed in mansweat. Is a slap on the ass encouragement, or foreplay? Should I wear my jockstrap, or briefs? If briefs, 2XIST or Fruit of the Loom? Does one cover up, or let it all hang out?

I've only been in a public shower / locker room a few times in my life, and usually timed my trips to avoid crowds. Today, we'll hit the lunch rush and that'll be impossible.

Time to learn Austin's locker room etiquette.

Contentment (or Lack Thereof)

2011-12-13T22:47:00.002-06:00

"Drink deeply the illusion of your safety." That's how a very good friend opened a post about satisfaction and self-confidence.* Throughout my life, things have gone well for me. I'm successful, have a pretty good relationship, a good career with several great opportunities, and lots of comfortable toys. I can take vacations when I what, buy what I want, and do nothing, when I choose to be lazy.

Throughout my life, though, I've feel impatient. I've felt resentment. I've felt a drive to measure myself against others, and always myself in terms of "Winner" or "Loser." It's probably unhealthy, but I realized that my first journal entry in 2003 shows how far I've come, and how far I have yet to go:

Today, at work I tried (again) to be productive. I find this stuff so boring and unappealing! I very much want this summer to end. Being online and chatting with friends is the highlight of my day. I think that's wrong. I don't want to write code for a living, though!

I want to get into [highly selective business / innovation internship program] so badly now. I like working with my mentor, and like knowing our staff, but I miss being able to work with other people my age. I'm an outsider in all the co-ops, my only semi-friend is this strange guy that likes anime, and seems a bit too gothy to be normal. We're both outsiders.

Also, I'm thinking one of these days I'm going to start accepting that I'm gay. It's really hard for me to write that. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I think about it now. I downloaded this gay slice-of-life comic book, and it really moved me, almost to tears. I wish I could have the sorts of relationships that the main character has. But no, I can't come out as gay yet. I'm still not sure.

I used to define my problems in terms of being in the closet, or not having the right job. Throughout this, though, I realize that much of my stress comes from a tendency to define things in terms of lost or inaccessible opportunities (e.g. "If I'd come out when I was in high school, I could've had a boyfriend like everyone else." or "If only I'd accepted [job x]. I would have gotten a promotion earlier.").

There's a certain paranoia and insecurity in that logic, I think.

* Read his musings at Blogging is Still Honest.

Relationship Forecast: Partly-Cloudy

2011-11-14T22:22:00.001-06:00

DJ and I spent most of the weekend together. Friday night, we went out with a few of his friends from college that were in town for a wedding. I got to meet some people that knew him years earlier, and listened to stories about various escapades. We had a pretty good time, though I felt a little awkward when his buddy asked DJ if he had some pot. DJ told him that he'd quit, but offered to help him get some. I stayed silent, and when the conversation moved on, joined back in.

Saturday, DJ and I joined some of my friends for an Oktoberfest celebration in a town just south of Austin. We enjoyed lots of food, and lots of beer. Since I drove, I stayed pleasantly-buzzed, but reasonably-sober. DJ, however, drank quite a bit, and felt ill toward the end of the evening from too much beer. We left, not only because he was feeling queasy, but also because he needed to get back to Austin to buy some pot for his buddy. :-/ I drove us back and was saying my "goodbyes" for the evening when the doorbell rang; his dealer had arrived.

I'd never met a drug dealer before. He looked normal enough (maybe even cute, in a Hunter Parrish from "Weeds" sort of way). I froze up and spent the next few minutes just watching from across the room. There's apparently a protocol for payment and reception of "goods," where money never directly-changes hands. I wondered briefly if this young, good-looking, well-spoken guy had a weapon as he fished a baggie out of his pocket. Once the deal was done, the guy asked DJ "So, you want to smoke a bowl?" DJ replied "Sure," and I immediately started for the door. I made it all the way there before I realized I hadn't even put down the glass that was in my hand. I said goodbye from afar, and left, feeling like I'd just witnessed something that couldn't be undone.

Thirty minutes later, DJ texted me that the guy was gone. We messaged for a few minutes, and I decided to drive back over, since I didn't want to go to bed feeling angry / sad / frustrated / generally emotional with him. As soon as I got back, I could smell pot smoke. I was silent. He put the stuff he'd bought for his friend in the garage, and I just stood, watching him. His eyes were red.

He hugged me, and just started saying "I'm sorry," quietly. I didn't hug back. I can't really tell what emotion this invoked. Sadness or disappointment seem to fit. I'm angry, but I can't tell if it's with myself, or with him. He told me that he likes that I'm "clean." I turned on the AC to clear out the room, and just sat with him, quietly watching a movie while he sobered up.

Mid-way through the show, DJ's buddy showed up. He expected to hang out and smoke, I think, and DJ told him that he couldn't stay. The guy realized he was interrupting and apologized, but lit up some of the pot before heading out the door. I just stared, and tried to ignore my discomfort.

We spent Sunday together golfing with some of his friends, only tacitly acknowledging Saturday evening. We talked, briefly, but I didn't confront him. We need to talk in-person. Text messages or even phone calls seem like the wrong medium to have this conversation.

I want to have a fight with him, but know that it's irrational.

Emotions suck.

He Quit. :-)

2011-10-28T17:09:00.001-05:00

Wednesday evening, I met DJ and two of his friends for another Austin Film Fest movie. I was late thanks to work, so I slid into a seat just as the show started. It turns out that before I'd gotten there, he'd eaten another pot cookie. I had no idea.

Two hours later we decided to have dinner, and walked over to a restaurant. Everyone was having a good time, but I'd noticed that he was a little more quiet than usual. When we started to get up to leave, he stayed seated, and admitted that he wasn't feeling well. His friends immediately asked, "The cookie?" He nodded. I didn't know he'd eaten one. I drove him home. We talked a little in the car about it, but he wasn't really up to a conversation.

The next day, he was fine. We talked over dinner, and he told me that this has happened before, but never this badly. I thought he was just queasy, but it turns out that while the four of us were chatting at dinner, he started to experience tunnel vision, and blacked out for a few seconds.

I didn't notice! :-( The thought of this is scary for me.

It was apparently scarier for him to experience first-hand. He's quit. I'm happy for him, and for us.

In fact, he's coming over now, so I'm going to make my place pretty, and make myself presentable. Peace out. :-)

Getting to Know Your Man, For Better or For Worse

2011-10-24T19:19:00.000-05:00

"Smoke VII," by pascalbovet.com

In the last two weeks I've learned more about my boyfriend than I've learned in the previous 2.5 months. There are things I like (his mastery of current events, politics, and general geekiness on a variety of subjects), and things that I don't like (below).

We spent a long weekend in the Pacific Northwest. DJ took a leap of faith, and flew out to join us. He (and I) have never traveled as part of a couple before. We both had a great time. :-) He meshed well with my friends, and we even got a few vacation "intimate moments" in after everyone else had turned in (a first for both of us while on vacation). ;-)

We even had our first 100% frank conversation about Asia, careers, and our relationship. He told me that because of the assignment, he can't make that next level of emotional commitment to me. He's also told me that my ambition and drive are two things that he finds highly-attractive in me. We talked it out, and decided that if I go, our relationship ends, at least until I return. It was cathartic. We stayed up until 4AM talking about it. I cried. He cried. We hugged.

More recently, I learned just how huge of a movie geek he is. We've been attending the Austin Film Festival, and discovered movies we both liked and both disliked. It's been a great diversion, but a week-long film fest (with 2-3 movies on our agenda per day) is a big time commitment. We've set up a schedule with another couple, and have been screening a pretty wide range of movies.

One of those films was a an Austin-based "stoner" flick, filmed around town. As we were planning out the schedule, he told me that he would probably get high with a friend before the movie. I didn't approve, but I didn't voice my opinion. This is my first mistake. The night of the movie, I learned that "getting high" meant "eat pot cookies while standing in line." Ever since that moment, watching him, I've felt like a small wall has gone up that will forever separate us.

We watched the movie. He presumably felt his high (or buzz, or whatever). I watched for changes in behavior, and saw none. Three hours later, he drove us home, and we chatted for a bit at his house before I went home for some much-needed sleep. When I got home, I googled Cannabis Foods, and discovered that depending on the recipe, the effects of these can persist for several hours.

After that moment of googling, I realized that the "giddiness" at his house was probably due to the cookies from hours earlier. I think he may have driven me (15 miles) home, while high.*

I'm not OK with this. At all. I'm angry just thinking about it. Google has a mixture of articles saying everything from it's OK to drive high, "OK-adjacent," to outright dangerous.

I'm confronting him the next time we have some quiet time.

I'm angered even more because the same friend that he gets high with doesn't drink. When DJ goes out with the friend, he doesn't drink either, out of respect for her. He didn't show me the same respect a few nights ago.

This is an angry post. I apologize. I didn't intend to write one. :-/

* The word "high" appears many times in this post. I lack the vocabulary to even describe his state of being / mind. "Stoned" doesn't fit, based on urbandictionary, anyway.

Unplugged (Sorta)

2011-10-10T02:30:00.004-05:00

I'm officially on vacation. As is tradition, I've taken some time off around my birthday to unwind, unplug, and relax. I'm typing this from a 2nd-story deck, overlooking wilderness, somewhere in Washington state. My friends and I have rented a 4,700 sq ft mansion. It's stopped raining, the moon is out, and it's cool. I'm wearing a jacket for the first time this year. My camera's somewhere downstairs, so I've "liberated" these off of the home's website.

Great Room

Living Room

Rear Deck

I'm "unplugged" for the first time in a year. I won't deal with work, call into night meetings, or suffer through arguments and indecision about our new Asian development lab. I can instead enjoy the awesome deck, the hot tub, and the kick-ass media room (though I did recable things slightly in the "great room" downstairs, to pipe Internet Audio into the whole-house sound system.

This place is opulent. It's serene. It's elegant. It's romantic. It makes me wish DJ was here. He's flying up, but will be here only after we've checked out of the mansion, and into a much more "normal" house closer to the coast. I invited him a month or so ago, and told him that he's welcome to join my usual cadre of traveling friends for the week. He accepted, but only for the second half of the trip. I sent him pictures of the first house, since we hadn't yet booked the second one in town. Unfortunately, he's only going to get a "1907 craftsman-era bungalow, convenient to everything." When we booked the second house, I simply wasn't aware of what my friends had chosen. It's pedestrian. It's old. It looks... "normal."

Media Room, with 96" Screen! This certainly won't fit into a "craftsman-era bungalow."

In Door Basketball Court -- nevermind that none of us have touched a basketball in years.

I feel like I royally messed up. I feel like I sold him a bill of goods that I can't deliver. I worry that he'll be disappointed in the trip, since he's missing this great house. I worry that he'll feel like I tricked him into coming up here. I sent him pictures of the "regular" house at least three times, but I'm not entirely sure he's clicked into them. I even told him we're renting two places, and that the second one wasn't as nice -- but I only found out about it after he'd bought his plane ticket. I worry that we haven't coordinated well enough.

I worry that we don't communicate about important things, like our relationship, and this trip. I even worry about my sexual performance with him. The last few times we've been intimate, I've actually had trouble "performing." Usually I have the opposite problem of finishing before my partner. Last week, I actually faked an orgasm for the first time in my life, just to avoid continuing the "lack of performance" awkwardness. It turns out that with condoms and a well-stimulated partner, this is actually possible. We should talk about this, probably. I just don't know how to bring it up.

I want him to have fun. I want to have fun with him. I worry about him, and what he thinks of me, and what'll happen to us if I go to Asia, or if I stay in Austin. My friends like him. I love him, I think. He has feelings for me, but they're tainted by the looming possibility that I may move to Asia next year. This trip will sway things one way or the other. My friends here tell me that I need to quit worrying and just enjoy this vacation. I haven't found a way to do that, yet.

Exploring the Spectrum of Masculinity in a Weekend

2011-10-07T18:11:00.000-05:00

Last weekend, I once again explored the full spectrum of masculinity, and in the same 24 hours: Shot firearms, watched football, ran a race, got a couple's massage, and a "gentleman's facial." :-)

At 7 yards, we both managed to keep our shots on-target!

DJ and I went out to the firing range Saturday morning, where I discovered that he's an eerily-good shot. We took turns firing scoped rifles and .40 handguns at various targets. I kept a few as mementos. :-) Afterward, we headed back to my place for an evening of beer, pizza, and football.* We parted ways that night, since I had to get up super-early to continue my renewed running plan and run my 2nd 10K of the year.

10k Race: 53m35s completion time, with an average pace of 8m38s / mile. Note that I did not, in fact, have several heart attacks during the run. I hope. ;-)

The race went well, though I was several minutes slower than my previous-year's time for this same course. This is, in all honestly, due to my own laziness. My running buddy's stopped, so I stopped as well. I'm now forcing myself to go three times per week, and can see a steady improvement, once again.

After the run, DJ and I had our first "Couple's Massage & Facial." I've since run out of "facial" jokes. ;-) The massage was absolutely awesome. Since I pushed myself at the race that morning, I felt tired, and torn up. By that evening, I felt like I could go out for yet another run. During the facial, for better or for worse, I apparently started snoring. I'm still kind of embarrassed by this.

We got lunch at an excellent Italian cafe afterward, and then went our separate ways for the evening, since we both had work to do for Monday.

Overall, an excellent weekend. :-)

* At this point in the story, my straight friends are usually jealous.

"Mom, I've got a Date." ==> :'-(

2011-09-21T20:46:00.000-05:00

"Rainbow Cake Surprise!" by Conor Keller

Today's my birthday! I woke up to the sun rising through my window, and a pair of phone calls from my parents. :-) I'm twenty-nine now. Someone asked, "Are you where you thought you'd be?" I guess I am, but I don't really know where I thought I'd be. I'm out. I have a boyfriend, a nice house, cool friends, and live in a great city. I sometimes hate and sometimes love my job, and have once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. I've had a champagne lunch on the floor of the Grand Canyon, and have had a beer-and-ice cream float while watching the sun set at the top of one of the world's tallest buildings.

I don't have any plans for today. I'm throwing a party for ~20 friends this weekend, but tonight, got takeout, and watched some Daily Show on my DVR. When DJ heard that this was my plan, he insisted on coming over. He'll be here soon.

I called my parents to thank them for the card I'd sent, and had a conversation similar to this:

Dad: "Happy Birthday to yooooooou!"
Me: "Thanks Dad."
Dad: "Are you out? Do you have any plans?"
Me (calculating): "Well... actually... I have a date."
Dad (smiling): "You've got a date. Really. Your Mom's just perked up. Hold on."
Mom: "Hellllo?"
Me: "Hi Mom!"
Mom: "Did I get my Birthday Wish?" (I could hear a smile in her voice.)
Me: "Umm... I have a date. He's a programmer at a local company, and I really like him, and we've been going out for about a month."
(Dead Silence)
Mom, her voice cold: "Here. Talk to your Father."

I was nervous about this, but was kind of optimistic, given the card they'd sent. It was encouraging, saying that they were proud of me, and supported me, and so on. The next five minutes of our call were heartbreaking. My dad told me that they still support me, but that they were still hoping that I'd "find a nice girl, or a woman."

Dad told me that there are people in his family, and mom's family that "don't approve of that lifestyle."* He rambled for a few minutes, struggling to find words, but asked me to stay in the closet, but be true to myself, and "find balance." He handed the phone back to mom.

I told her that if they're still coming into town this weekend, they'll get to meet him, maybe. I don't remember her reply. She and I said an awkward goodbye, and I hung up, and sat at my kitchen table, feeling a little more alone.

That didn't go well.

I'm now stuck at an impasse. I have a party this weekend with a lot of my friends. I've invited my parents. I can:

Let the "gay" and "family" worlds collide.
Choose the "family" world, and ask him to please "take one for the team," and not show up.
Choose my friends, and ask my parents to please come a different weekend
Cancel the entire thing.

I feel like cancelling the entire party right now.

* I think. I don't remember the words anymore. I just remember trying not to cry on the phone.

Complex Relationships

2011-09-20T23:52:00.000-05:00

What's a "normal" relationship? I found myself wondering that recently. I've been going out with DJ for the last couple of months. I like him -- a lot -- to the point where I think he'll meet my parents this weekend. This'll be the first "boyfriend" that my parents will meet. He's even joining me for a long weekend on the coast with a couple of my friends. :-) Unfortunately, I'll be moving to Asia at some point in early 2012. What "are" we? Will things end when I go? What am I to him? We need to have some very serious conversations, but I don't know how to bring these topics up.

I also need to introduce the "boyfriend" fact to my parents. I'm thinking that tomorrow I'll casually let them know that he's taking me out, and that they'll get to meet him this weekend. :-)

Hopefully that goes well. :-)

Emotional

2011-09-15T22:45:00.001-05:00

Work Update
I'm afraid that I made some politically disastrous comments via IM during a conference call at work earlier. One of our managers (representing my group) was speaking about my assignment to Asia, and trying to tapdance around why the assignment itself is not approved, and why I'm not on the ground. He finally was forced to answer, after I'd sent messages to various people that directly-contradicted him. This is because my manager told him a summarized version of our discussions re: the assignment, saying that I was on-board and ready to accept. He repeated it, and looked like a liar. One person replied: "Wow! He lied like that, right in front of you!" I had to do damage control immediately.

This will come back to bite me in the ass. I might've just hung this guy, and my manager out to dry. I don't really care about the guy, but I do care about my manager, and his reputation. I'll find out tomorrow what's just happened.

Lesson Learned: Never, EVER write a message about someone that you wouldn't feel comfortable writing to them directly.

Parents Update
We don't talk about the "gay" thing often. My mom, about once a month, asks, "Are you happy?" Right now, I'm frustrated with myself, my life, and my work.

I'm inviting them out next weekend for a party I'm throwing to celebrate a few different things. It's been over a year since they've visited me, so this will be great for everyone.

I want them to meet DJ. He's the first one that I think is "worthy." I don't know how to have the "Meet my first boyfriend" conversation yet, but I have 8 days before he stands in the same room with them. :-)

Relationship Update

DJ and I have both updated our respective dating profiles to "Seeing Someone," and removed ourselves from the singles search lists on our dating website. We haven't had the "exclusive" talk yet, but we need to have the "Taipei" talk first. He knows now that if I don't go, it'll be the end of my career at my current company. He knows its a good opportunity. He told me that I have to decide.

I almost replied: "I don't want to have to choose between you, and my job," but I didn't.

I want him to meet my parents. I want to go places with him, and watch football, and enjoy a beer on the back deck, and a million other little things.

Unfortunately, barring a sudden career change, I choose Asia. :-(

Update: I'm sending him mixed signals. I've invited him to the West Coast with my friends and I in a few weeks, even though he knows now that I may be moving in January. :-( I want to be with him. I want to share experiences with him. But I can see how he would want to do the pragmatic thing and call off our relationship, because it will have this 18-month and 7,500 mile gap in it. I dunno what I want.

Assignment Drama (aka Life in a Huge Corporation)

2011-08-29T22:39:00.000-05:00

The assignment is now in jeopardy, because the entire division has tightened budgets to save money. I'll find out next week if I get to go this year (if at all). In the interim, I'm investigating the plan differences between the three different assignments.

I really want to go. If I won't lose money on this deal, I'll go.

You know who runs the company? The people controlling the budgets. Unfortunately none of them are our executives or leaders. I wonder if other corporations are this way as well.

Accepting the Asia Assignment with (or without) Grace and Style

2011-08-16T23:24:00.002-05:00

Monday morning my manager pulled me into his office, closed the door, and told me that my assignment to Asia was finally approved. I could tell there was a "but" hanging in the air, however. It turns out that someone, somewhere in the bureaucracy that is my company, downgraded the type of the assignment before it was finally approved, as a cost savings measure.

There are three types of assignments: "Tier 1," "Tier 2," and "Tier 3," for the sake of our discussion. Each offers different monetary and non-monetary perks and benefits. The "Tier 1" assignment offers travel to the assignment country and reimbursement for expenses. The "Tier 3" offers a substantial lump of cash to offset expenses for moving to the assignment, a monthly stipend to pay expenses, and a lump of cash to offset moving back from the guest country, in addition to the benefits found in the lower tiers. The "Tier 2," logically, is in between these two extremes. I applied for the "Tier 3" assignment, and was promised by two different up-line managers in the organization that I would be given this assignment type. They told me, "Don't worry about it."

The assignment offered to me is a "Tier 1" assignment. Each and every other assignee was offered and accepted the "Tier 3" package, with all of its perks and benefits. So far, two days later, no one can tell me why mine was downgraded. My manager, who continues to impress me, told his boss that we'd have "a problem" as soon as they told me. He asked for a justification, and two different execs told him that it was probably for cost-savings, and asked "They're pretty much the same, so what's the big deal, anyway?" He immediately demanded that if they're the same, I get the "Tier 3" plan. So far, no one's given a sound or logical reply.

I resent this. I feel singled out. I feel like they're treating me like a second-class citizen, given that all the others were the "Tier 3" plan. I feel like I've taken one for the team over, and over, and over again, and goddamnit, I've fucking had it, and I will NOT "take one for the team" here again. "Fuck you," is what I want to say to them.

My manager, however, is attempting to be the voice of reason.The entire area is now in cost-cutting mode. We're probably due for more layoffs soon. Hiring is frozen, and I can't even get a new projector bulb approved for our conference room. He feels that we should certainly fight for a better plan, but that regardless of outcome, I should take what I can get, move to Asia, and enjoy the experience. As I grow in the assignment I can demonstrate new skills, show that I can lead a team an order of magnitude larger than my own, and position myself for MANY more opportunities in two years, when the assignment ends.

I can rationalize this, but my emotions are getting in the way. I see that if I "suck it up" just this one last time, I can have my choice of kick ass jobs in two years. However, I feel like they're taking advantage of me, and that I could do better. I feel like they've fucked me in the past, and that they're fucking me, yet again. I feel like I'd be a second-class citizen, compared to the other assignees. I may not be able to live in the same apartment buildings, I may not be able to travel as frequently, and certainly won't get the same financial assistance.

I'd be "OK" with settling if the monthly budget for housing, expenses, food, etc. are the same for the two different programs. I can rationalize giving up ~$10,000 or so, if the only difference is my final balance sheet after the assignment. If, however, the monthly expenses are different, and I can't afford to live in the same place as everyone else, or travel as frequently, I'll be forced to compromise on two very important facets of the assignment.

Instead of the clean black & white decision that I alluded to in my previous post, I'm now faced with this cloudy grey mystery.

Doubt About My New Project

2011-08-15T00:31:00.000-05:00

I fear that my organization will be dead in the next five years. We had an all-hands meeting last week where our leaders outlined the next major product family, but also highlighted the "challenges" that face us. Listening to these presentations, I can easily distill them down to the following exchange:

Management: "We need to design the next generation of systems. What will they be?"
Engineering: "We can make them Better, Cheaper, or Faster: Pick any two of those options."
Management: "I want all three."
Engineering: "I can give you two of those."
Management: "I want all three."
Engineering: "You're not listening to me, are you?"
Management: "Give me a plan for all three.."
Engineering: "..."

Over the last week, I've completely lost my motivation to work hard, or work extra hours. I feel like there's no point in expending (wasting) the energy. It's been two weeks since I returned from my first trip to our new development site. The first week after I returned, I fought hard to make sure that the team wasn't forgotten, that we got both important and hard assignments, and that things, overall, went well. I fought not with external teams, but with my own management organization. I feel like they are either sabotaging me, or (more likely) they can see the writing on the wall, and know full-well that any effort spent now will be wasted, as the project will be cancelled. One of the particularly troublesome teams has sent a guy to the Asia lab. I've basically deserted him, and left him to his own devices. Technically he's a more senior engineer than I am, so he can solve his own damned problems.

I found out late in the week that every other subsystem that's also in the new site is struggling to get started (just like us). They, however, are honest about it. They're all saying in public that they have no real assignments, but are working on getting things carved out. Our organization, however, is saying that the team is fully-booked, and fully-utilized. This is a lie, as near as I can tell. I've been praised for my contributions to the project, and our team is earning accolades from others. This is, however, only because the other teams are so incredibly messed up. If our upper management is happy with their current contributions, they'd wet themselves if I could drive the team with real assignments.

When I ask about the viability of the project (and the point of creating this new lab), every senior technical leader that I've spoken with has said that this project is doomed to failure. Upper management has not heard the cries for help, better schedules, or more money. It will, most likely, be either cancelled before it even really starts, or it will be a tremendous failure. Either way, the team we're staffing up to work on it will suddenly have no project to rally around. We (I) will be forced to realign them to some other mission.

My assignment, by the way, is still not approved. I'm still in purgatory, waiting to discover on which continent I will spend my 30th birthday (which is fewer than 400 days away). A tiny part of me wants to cut my losses, and wants nothing more to do with this venture. A different part says "Fuck the project -- you'll never have this opportunity again. Pack your bags and move!"

If they tell me that the assignment will be cancelled, I'll be disappointed, but also relieved that I'll be liberated from this political nonsense. I'll continue to kick ass and take names in my current team, but will resume my quiet, steady hunt for a new assignment inside and outside of the company. If they tell me that I'm confirmed, I'll double down as an agent of change within the organization. I'll continue to ruffle feathers by doing the right thing (as best as I know it), pushing people out of their comfort zones, and either ride high on success, or leave the company blazing a trail of glorious fire as I torch each and every bridge I've carefully built over the last six years.

To be honest, I'm not sure which would be more fun. ;-)

Dating Fail Due To Allergies

2011-08-12T23:50:00.000-05:00

I'm allergic to DJ's entire house. I went over on my way home from work for the first time, and within 30 minutes of just chatting on his couch, half of my right eye was bright red. It turns out that he has a cat that's cute, cuddly, playful, and super cool. This particular kitty roams all over his house, however. I forgot to mention that I was allergic to cats, and even though I made a point of avoiding touching my face, I still did at some point. After dinner, we watched a little TV, hung out, and as we were getting more intimate, my face started to itch. I had to excuse myself and leave. I'm writing this after taking a thorough shower at home.

My face still itches.

*dating fail*

(Untitled Stream of Consciousness List)

2011-08-11T09:14:00.000-05:00

I'm going out with DJ a few times a week. I like him. He knows I have an offer to move to Asia. He knows its pending, and that I'm not confirmed to go yet. He doesn't know that I've already made a decision to go, if the opportunity comes up.
I declined an offer to interview as a Manager for the Dream Company. I had to weigh an adventure in Asia, or a potential career with a company that will still be here in two years. I chose the adventure.
I got an 8.2% raise for this year. I actually don't know exactly how much money I make. It's a strange experience -- I still remember exactly how much my first paychecks were, and remember obsessing with exactly how much I spent and saved. I now just throw everything in Mint.com, and watch the numbers change.
I've "lost" about $20,000 over the last 30 days, thanks to the stock market swings. I'm not sure if I'm disappointed or proud of this fact. I think I'm proud, in some twisted way. I'm doubling down, in fact, and moving more money into the market to take advantage of some bottom feeding.
I have a bad habit of substituting "stupid" for "simple" in conversation.
I'm stepping back from work, intentionally, to see what happens if I just... "do nothing" for a few days. I feel like I've been screaming into a vacuum for the last two weeks. We've been praised for my actions by senior management. If they were happy with what i accomplished half-assing things and subverting my own management, they'd have an orgasm of joy if people actually cooperated, and I could focus on leading, not subverting.
My project will probably be cancelled. The business case makes no sense. That, or we're about to radically restructure our business in the same way that grafting an extra arm onto a body (or amputating an arm) is considered "radial" surgery. We're either about to sell off a major portion of our business, restructure, or acquire someone. I think.

I have to go to work. Adios. I also have to write more, because I can feel a knot unwinding in my back even know after writing this quick stream-of-consciousness post. :-)

Peace out. ~G.

Sleepless in Taipei

2011-07-17T16:09:00.001-05:00

The view from my hotel room: Taipei 101 on my first night here

I'm on the ground, alive, and kicking in Asia. I'm jet-lagged (it's 2:45AM as I write this) so I thought I'd post a few of my semi-drunken mid-flight ramblings. They can be best-summarized with one word: Doubt.

The in-flight entertainment is pretty damn good. I just watched The Adjustment Bureau and couldn't help think of the DJ [the new guy from Okcupid]. On the layover, I cyberstalked him on the site. He's a super high match but the way he's answered certain q's is different from how I would have expected him to answer. He smokes pot. I'm not sure I'm OK with this.

(a few hours later)

I have to tell him that I may be moving. When? What? How? Do I tell him I've known about this for months? It's still not 100% confirmed though. If I don't and we stay together - heh - we're not together at all - if we get together and he meets all my other friends he'll find out pretty quickly. No good can come out of lying via omission.

After we landed, I found my driver, and headed out to the hotel. My earlier fears were allayed a bit once I saw Taipei 101 for the first time. I felt better, more positive about the experience.

This hotel's pretty swanky. There's marble everywhere, and multiple floors of entertainment, food, and bars. In the room, they charge about US$4 for a can of coke. The water here isn't potable either, so I gave myself a mission: Find a 7/11, and get some drinks. I set out, and immediately felt "alive" and revitalized as I wandered through the streets. All of my earlier doubt, trepidation, and worry melted away.

Optimistic, I popped into a Starbucks, successfully ordering an iced cafe mocha (I got to practice my "hello" and "thank you" in Mandarin), and wandered around a few blocks. The smells wafting out of restaurants, pubs and cafes were delectable. On a Sunday evening, a few people were out, on their way home, or on their way to dinner. There were a LOT of scooters out there. I eventually found a convenience store, and returned to my base camp at the hotel, victorious. It turns out a 0.5L bottle of coke can be had for about US$0.80, a far cry from $4 for something half its size!

Dinner was a tequila sunrise and some mixed nuts at one of the many bars in the hotel. By the end of my drink, the excitment of my victorious shopping trip wore off, and jet lag reared its sleepy head. I was in bed by 8:30PM.

It's now 5AM as I write this.The hotel gym opens at 6AM. I plan to be down there for a workout, then find breakfast, then a cab to my temporary office. I tried to go back to sleep after I woke up, but a sense of fear, of sadness came over me. I've never felt this before. Is this a "panic attack?" Tears are welling up in my eyes, even now, as I think about the feeling.

I feel disconnected from my friends, and from my family. I feel even worse when I think about DJ, the new guy. I spent an hour or so IM'ing with him just after I arrived. I feel like I've known him for years. We even talked about the pot issue. He says that he "likes it, but doesn't need it." After rambling, getting to know him, and just catching up, we went our separate ways. When I popped online later in the afternoon, none of my friends were available to IM. Twitter was nearly-dead, since all of my tweeps were asleep. Facebook had only a handful of new posts. I felt a sense of loneliness, and loss, in that moment. The Internet had (temporarily) abandoned me. Of course, here, now, at 5AM, random people have IM'd or reached out to me. Life has resumed, a hemisphere away. I'm talking with my friends, and things seem normal -- aside from the time difference.

Time for me to write up some charts, and set an agenda for the trip. Probably should've done that before I left, huh? ;-)

[Update, 5:45AM: This is a two-week business trip. I'll be back in the US 8/1/11. ~G. ]

Victory!

2011-07-13T23:52:00.001-05:00

Today's been a good day.

Victory 1: Getting Rid of Distractions @ Work
I think I finally figured out how to "let go," and stop getting wound up about some of the bureaucratic nonsense that happens at work. My manager (who continues to impress me) simply told me to stop spending time working with people who will "take up your time." I'm now in the process of slowly transitioning ownership of some minutia that I own to someone else, to let them deal with this BS. :-) As this person said, "There's plenty of work to go around."

Victory 2: I Got a Promotion, Bishes!
I found out this morning that I got my promotion, which includes an 8.6% raise. While this isn't as good as rival from our Arch Rival, an additional 3.59% raise will get me to that new figure. It's within rounding, basically. Party at my house in three weeks. Mark your calendars.

Victory 3: Second Date. :-)
A few weeks ago, I sent a short note to a guy that's been in my OKCupid "matches" list for months. After a few messages on and off again, we agreed to meet for coffee Tuesday. My first impression: He's way better looking than his photos! He's smart, witty, and intelligent. We dressed identically (jeans and a solid polo). Our conversation flowed. A 45-minute coffee date turned into 2.5 hours of chatting. We both had commitments later that evening that we both blew off, just to keep talking. The waiters had to kick us out of the restaurant! He bought. I tried to steal the bill -- he insisted. :-) I promised to pay if we got together again, shook his hand, and parted ways.

We've texted occasionally since then. Over the last day or so, I realized that I smile when I get a message from him, and I'm bummed when he leaves me hanging!

I just cleared my calendar (see Victory #1) for Thursday, because he asked me out to dinner and a movie with him before I fly out of town. :-) ... I'm already wondering what sort of small token or gift I should bring back as a gift for him. :-) Is that creepy, after only two dates?

Relationships, Ties, and Connections

2011-07-11T08:01:00.001-05:00

I've moved every five years or so, like clockwork. Each move has been a little sad, but was part of "the plan" to get to the next level, or the next chapter of my life. While it's still not 100% official (we're 99.9% there now), I'm probably moving to East Asia in the next ninety days. I've known this for about two months now, so why am I reaching out to new people on OkCupid, grindr, and through friends?

I absolutely cannot rationalize this behavior. I'm making an effort to meet new people, knowing that in all likelihood, I'll be moving away from them in less than three months. Why am I bothering? I think I'm getting preemptively lonely. Some friends suggest that I'm trying to create ties back to this place, the best city I've lived in so far. Maybe I feel a lack of pressure or commitment, knowing that I'm "shipping off" in a few months. Either way, I don't understand the behavior.

A few weeks ago, I hooked up with a guy from Grindr, after chatting for ages, and a late-night coffee date. We had fun, and he's a good buddy to go grab a beer with and just relax. Just yesterday, I enjoyed an afternoon tea with a smart, funny, gaymer geek. He's invited me to his boardgame night! Tomorrow (possibly) I have drinks with a charming guy from OKCupid. All of these people are actually great friends or boyfriends in potentia.*

As I contemplate selling some of my possessions and renting out my house, I feel a certain "tug" to this place that I've never felt before. I don't think I even felt this way when I moved out my parent's house and into the dorms my freshman year of college, simply because I knew it was coming, and I knew I'd move on to bigger, better things.

(15 minutes later)
Maybe that's it -- maybe I look at this moment in my life, and feel content. I have what I want, when I want it. I have genuine friends for the first time in my life, and feel like I belong for the first time. Moving away to a completely different culture is exciting, yes, but also frightening. I won't know the language, I won't understand the social mores of the place, and I'm afraid that I'll become Anonymous Man 7,000,001 in a sea of faces.

On the flipside, others have pointed out that I'll pick up new skills, experience a brand new culture, and have one of those "life experiences" that will give me a glimpse of a different part of the world. That's the point of this blog. I named it "Augmented Identity" for a reason. I view being gay as just another facet of the slightly-polished, slightly rough stone that is "me." This trip will create yet another facet -- for better or for worse -- and it'll be an experience.

No matter what, I'm reaching out and meeting new people now. I just haven't told them that I'm probably moving in 3 months. :-/ I feel like it's still not 100% set, so there's still a chance that I may not go. A lie of omission is still a lie, though -- I met my new boss Friday afternoon, and am flying out for a two-week team-building assignment in less than a week. If this seems conflicted, it's because I am. :-)

Time for work. ~ G.

* I still can't understand the "friend or boyfriend" vibe.

How to Quit with Grace and Style

2011-06-25T18:54:00.004-05:00

One of my team members just left the company. His new job is basically doing my job, transforming the software development practices for an organization resistant to change. He will do what I've done over the last twelve months, creating a high quality, high performance software development team. At first I felt like it was a personal statement about me, and that I / we drove him away. In reality, though, I'm now somewhat flattered. I have a "disciple." I worry, though about what he will do when he runs out of stuff to replicate at the new company.

He needs a mentor. As with many things in life, the manner in which you conduct yourself and your business directly-affects the options and outcomes of situations. This guy, who's tactically smart (but strategically stupid) updated his resume to match a few want ads posted on the web, submitted a job app, and got a call-back on his first try. He interviewed, aced the interview, and accepted the offer, all without telling his manager, or telling me.

I get that he didn't want to tell us -- I'm OK with that. However, he should've hinted to us that he was interested in making a move. If he'd told us, then we could've given him significantly more options, such as working remotely in his new home city, or even countered the competing offer so that he could get an even better raise.

In fact, this is how his salary negotiation went:

Recruiter: "What salary would make you happy?"
Guy: "$X."
Recruiter: "How about $X+ $15,000?"
Guy: "Sure!"
Me: "WTF??????"

He got a 30% raise, but I think he still makes about as much money as I make. With bonuses, I probably make more, still. He should've been able to ask for another $10,000+ given the scope of his new assignment. If he'd talked to someone, he would know this. He didn't even check out glassdoor.com! He also didn't even read our termination policy. He wasn't aware that he needed to give 14 days of notice, nor was he aware that he could "bank" his unused vacation into a few extra dollars, and had to forfeit any bonuses he was due.

So, to summarize my advice:

If you're interested in making a career move, say so. Don't say "I'm thinking of quitting," but do say "I'm interested in new opportunities." A smart manager will read between the lines.
PRIOR to telling your manager that you're leaving, print out ALL HR documents, performance reviews, bonuses, and retirement documents you can. After you leave, you won't have access to any of it.
PRIOR to telling your manager, READ THE COMPANY'S TERMINATION DOCUMENTS AND PLANS.
Always consider the total compensation package, including retirement, performance bonuses, and awards.
DON'T sow seeds of discontent on your way out. Do not, in a public setting, tell ~15 people that you submitted one resume and two days later had a 30% raise.
As soon as you have a competing offer in writing, tell your current manager. Regardless of whether you'd like to stay or go, play hard ball with both your old and new companies. Ask your old company to match the new offer. Ask the new company to counter, since the old company's offered $X more. There are a few possible outcomes:
a. You acquiesce to everyone, and accept the new offer without a struggle, trusting that the new company has your best interests in mind.
b. You inform your current management. They counter with a raise. You accept it, and continue at your current company, that much richer.
c. You inform your current management. They do nothing. You leave, knowing you are more-appreciated elsewhere.
d. You inform your current management. They counter with a raise. You leverage the raise for an even better raise at the new company, and take the newer, better offer.
e. You inform your current management. They counter with a raise. You attempt to leverage it, but fail. You still leave, making more money.
Think very carefully before accepting the initial offer for a job salary, or any negotiation, frankly. Never EVER accept the initial offer for a job salary, or any negotiation, frankly. [Edited - toning down the rhetoric as per PlanetX's comments]

I'm frustrated. What irks me the most is the way that he left. He could've gotten so much more, if he'd just said the right things.

Wow. I'm moving to Asia!

2011-06-09T08:05:00.001-05:00

It's starting to settle in:

I'm moving to Asia.

Clicking around streetview for my future home city, I had a bit of a "Stupid American" moment when I looked down this road, and thought, "Wow, that's a LOT of Chinese restaurants!" *sigh*

Image courtesy of Google Streetview (C) Google

Also... I also found a Costco!

COSTCO! Image courtesy of Google Streetview (C) Google

I've read up on food blogs, expat blogs, and started researching frequent flyer programs. I also need to renew my passport and Texas driver's license before I leave, since they'll both expire while I'm gone.

It's not "real" yet... I don't want to think about how to sell / rent my house, or how to sell my shiny new car.

Leadership Update: Backstabbed (with a Butter Knife!) for the First Time

I still like my current team, and we've continued to kick ass, and take names. We're approaching an internal release in about 30 days, and we're showing scalability and features we didn't intend to provide. However, I still struggle with motivating a few of our developers. One is passive-aggressive, polite, and smart, but difficult to work with. He is our "process" advocate, and lives his life by rules. He's polite, but constantly attempts to protect himself. Absolutely everyone else in the team asks, as least once per week, "What was X thinking?"

He even tried to backstab me via email! I reminded the team of our quality metrics (which were slipping by a few percent). Three hours later, he sent a a multi-paragraph email to my manager (bypassing me), complete with charts, that said, "I'm a little concerned that neither you nor G seemed aware of my work," and then mentioned specific instances where his stuff was better than everyone else's. What frustrates me is that his stuff's just not that good! There are still bugs in it, and it still fails to meet requirements, just like everyone else's code.

My boss continues to impress me, however. His reply: "For someone of your promotion level, I expect this level of performance from you. You will not be rewarded or recognized for simply meeting expectations," and then BCC'd me on the reply. He then turned this (gentle) bitchslap into a positive learning opportunity for my team member, and asked "What would you have done?" in a private meeting with the team member. I asked how it went, and my manager thought it went well.

I still don't know how to motivate this individual. He responds well to regimented processes, and tries to define his life in neat boxes. What's especially frustrating, however, is that he's really not any good at planning! He shows up late to meetings, or fails to fill out a template that he advocated that the rest of us use for certain tools, or advocates working remotely with flexible hours, but isn't actually available online. He also fails to empathize with others, and cannot understand what motivates people that think differently from him (i.e. everyone else in the world).

Anyway, I need to figure out how to motivate this type of personality. I understand that he responds well to public praise, but I absolutely refuse to let him define regimented, inflexible processes.* He also fails to "think outside the box" once he's established a particular "box," and reacts poorly to change (unless it is planned change).** This is the first time I've been "backstabbed" in a very minor way, but now I know what to watch for, and how to handle these sorts of situations as a manager: :-)

Career Update
I've had a series of meetings with various managers and engineers, and everyone has a different understanding of my job. The common theme: "Staff up a top-notch team, and solve problems." I have a meeting with my area exec Friday to get his precise requirements.

There's an interesting twist, however... they may want me to be a people manager too! This is getting sweeter...There are other things in the works as well, which I won't repeat until they happen. :-)

Mentor Update
One of my (gay) mentors spent two years in Europe, so we had lunch earlier this week to catch up. She's given me some excellent tips and tricks which I'm planning to exploit as soon as I get the official paperwork.

* You know, he actually tried to plan to be spontaneous? He noticed that the team seemed to go out to lunch as a group fairly-regularly. This is because most of us, after a meeting, or before a meeting, would look up, look around, and ask, "Hey, want to grab lunch?" If someone replied, those people went to lunch. :-) He tried to establish Friday as a "go out to lunch day." It failed miserably, because he didn't notice why the team went out to lunch as a group.

** Wow, this sounds petty, but it's been annoying me for months.

Worry

2011-06-01T23:15:00.001-05:00

This has nothing to do with my career, being gay, or coming out with grace or style. ~G.

I'm worried about my mom. I've noticed that we sometimes have the same conversation on two different days. On Monday, she told me about the 20 Under 20 fellowship. This evening, two days later, she asked if I'd heard of the same thing. When this has happened in the past, I've uttered "You told me about that yesterday," and she deflected the conversation elsewhere. This time, I replied that I hadn't heard of the foundation or the fellowships, and we had, basically, the same conversation as before.

Is she just recycling topics, just to have something to talk about? I think she's lonely. Perhaps she's bored.

I'm starting to suspect that, this woman, the smartest woman I knew for a substantial portion of my life, the woman who has multiple masters degrees, and who (probably) instilled in me the fear / passion / drive to be who I am, dislikes new things simply because she chooses not to retain the knowledge (she has better things to do), or she cannot retain the knowledge (she's trapped in her own mind?). Which is better?

Is she getting "forgetful?" Is it worse? I don't know how to answer these things.

I'm worried.

Moving to Asia

2011-05-27T00:00:00.000-05:00

As of this afternoon, I'm moving to Asia at some point in the 3rd Quarter.

It's been a strange day:

Got up two hours early to work out (P90X is still kicking my ass, but I'm starting to kick back)
Got to work an hour early for a design meeting for my new job.
Spent the day wrapping up a design meeting for my old job.
Accidentally spent an hour chatting with my old area manager (who I still resent), who filled in the details on the Asia assignment for me.
Told my team an hour later that I'm moving to a new job.
Wrote a bio for my managers in ~30 minutes, so they could announce my new assignment to the division.
Got drinks with a college buddy. Finally came out to him. He'd guessed I was gay based on facebook, but was curious about what my other college friends thought (i.e. which of the super-conservatives now shun me. To my knowledge, none of them).
Spent the afternoon driving around town picking up food for friends, since I'm flying up to the West Coast to visit a buddy and his wife for the holiday weekend.
Spent the evening wondering what I got myself in to. :-)
Realized it'll be disastrously-easy to mentally check out from my current team. I must prevent that from happenning.

Anyway, I'm tired, time for bed. I still have work to do. Go me. :-)

~ G.

Gay Careerist Advice:
Always keep a 3-4 sentence biography updated, and available, just in case it comes up. I've needed one several times through the last few years, as I've spoken before clients, presented papers, and gotten various promotions.