Men have been trying to figure out what women want for centuries. But of course, the science of attraction is hard to predict — it can range so much from person to person, and it can also evolve over time along with society’s trends and expectations. That said, researchers have been digging for more answers in recent years — revealing valuable insight into what makes a guy alluring. The good news? Much of it is within your control.

“Your physical appearance only plays a small part in determining real attraction — psychologists suggest that it could be influenced more by personality,” says Annie Garmendia, senior matchmaker at Cinqe Matchmaking.

As DatingZest founder and relationship coach Liam Barnett points out, even something as simple as getting enough sleep — which contributes to your energy levels, charisma, and physical appearance — can factor into your appeal.

All that said, it's important to remember that attractiveness is subjective — and what makes one woman swoon might not work for another.

“Ultimately, the most important thing is to be confident in yourself and to take care of your physical and mental health,” says Amber Shine, love coach, ACS certified sex educator, and manager at XFans Hub.

With that in mind, here are some research-backed ways to appear more attractive — stat.

RELATED: 5 Types of Men Women Find Attractive

1. Prioritize Hygiene and Grooming

Fresh-smelling breath, a clear complexion, and a carefully trimmed beard — these are the little things that can make a big difference when it comes to physical attraction, according to Janell O’Leary, head dating coach and founder of Elite Dating Managers.

In other words, it’s high time to invest in some quality skincare and grooming products.

And there’s a good reason for this, too. Paying attention to hygiene and grooming makes you look healthy and motivated, both of which are attractive traits. Not only that, but these habits may suggest that you can take care of yourself — as well as your potential kids down the line.

While we’re on the subject of grooming, here’s a fun fact: A 2013 study at the University of New South Wales found that heavy stubble is the optimum length of facial hair to attract women. Over 350 heterosexual women overwhelmingly favored this level of scruff over a light beard or heavy stubble.

2. Dress in Well-Fitting Clothes

“Men who are well dressed are perceived as more confident and put together,” explains Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, a professor of sex and relationships at Cal State University Fullerton and host of the Luvbites by Dr. Tara podcast.

To be clear, that doesn’t mean you need to go out and drop your whole paycheck on a new designer wardrobe.

The most important thing, according to Barnett, is to find clothes that fit your body. So, ditch the shrunken polos and baggy khakis, head to your favorite local department store or menswear outlet, and look for items within your budget that are made for your body type. Ideally, you want to seek out clothes that highlight your best assets — for example, a structured blazer to show off your broad shoulders or a slim-cut button-down to accentuate your lean torso.

Not sure how to find the right fit? Bring a trusted female friend or family member shopping with you — or ask for a stylist’s help.

3. Choose a Signature Scent

Don’t underestimate the power of scent when it comes to attraction.

In a small 2009 study published in the International Journal of Cosmetic Science, one group of male undergraduates wore a spray with antimicrobial ingredients and fragrance oil, while the other wore an unscented spray with no antimicrobial ingredients.

When a group of women were shown silent videos of the men, they rated the group wearing the fragranced spray more attractive — even though they obviously couldn’t smell them. What's more — men who used the scented spray reported feeling more confident.

As for what aromas do the trick, studies have shown that women tend to find musk to be particularly sexy.

And even if cologne isn’t your thing, keep in mind that even a scented aftershave, body wash, and deodorant can make an impact.

4. Exercise Regularly

This should come as no surprise, but physical fitness can play a significant role in your attractiveness — and according to Shine, that’s in part because it’s a sign of physical and mental health and well-being.

In a 2017 study, female college students were shown three sets of photographs of men's bodies and asked to estimate their physical strength or their attractiveness. In all of the samples, men who were believed to be the strongest were also rated as the most attractive.

Researchers believe this is a primal desire rooted in the assumption that stronger men are more physically capable of supporting and investing resources in a family. After all, for our caveman ancestors, strength predicted a man’s ability to hunt for food, fight predators, and protect their loved ones.

Of course, this doesn’t mean you need to be jacked to be attractive. However, setting aside at least two days a week for strength training, and at least 150 minutes a week for cardio exercise, can ensure you stay in shape. Remember: while working with a personal trainer or taking classes may help keep you motivated, you can easily build an effective fitness routine at home with the right equipment.

5. Be Kind — and Altruistic

The saying goes “nice guys finish last” — but that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

A 2014 Chinese study found that when young women rated men’s faces, they were more likely to rate those that had positive qualities like kindness or honesty as more attractive.

People who are kind are often perceived as more attractive because they are seen as being more considerate, empathetic, and supportive, says Shine — and these are qualities that many people look for in a long-term partner.

“Being kind can be as simple as holding the door open for someone or offering a compliment,” adds Barnett.

If you’re willing to go the extra mile, Shine advises making an effort to help those in need. And in case you needed any additional inspiration to give back — a 2013 UK study found that women find men more appealing when they do volunteer work.

Plus, a more recent study suggested that altruism might be even more appealing than good looks.

6. Have a Sense of Humor

Not taking yourself too seriously can pay off in a big way when it comes to making women notice you. In fact, countless studies have shown that women are more attracted to men who make them laugh.

That makes sense since laughter can trigger the release of feel-good brain chemicals. The better you make a woman feel when she’s around you, the more time she’ll subconsciously want to spend in your presence.

“A sense of humor captures attention in social settings and demonstrates playfulness, which can be extremely attractive,” says Garmendia.

Also, Barnett notes that a good sense of humor can make you seem more fun-loving, lighthearted, and easy-going.

7. Increase Your Mindfulness

If you haven’t already started, it’s high time to up your meditation game: a 2015 Australian study found that mindful men tended to receive higher attractiveness ratings from women during a speed dating session.

In a questionnaire beforehand, men were asked to rate how much they agreed with statements like "I perceive my feelings and emotions without having to react to them” and "I'm good at finding the words to describe my feelings.” Women were more likely to find the men who agreed with these statements as sexy and datable.

Fortunately, mindfulness is something you can totally improve. Slowing down to scan your body during exercise, engaging in breathing exercises, journaling about your present emotions, and remaining present on walks in nature are all easy ways to work on this.

As an added bonus, mindfulness can enhance your sex life and also help boost your emotional intelligence — which, according to Garmendia. This refers to your ability to detect and empathize with others’ emotions, and to remain aware of how your behavior affects other people.

“People who are emotionally intelligent are often perceived as more attractive because they are able to navigate social situations with grace and understanding,” explains Shine.

8. Boost Your Confidence

It’s no secret that women find confidence nearly irresistible.

“It shows that you’re comfortable in your own skin and know your own worth,” says Shine.

Again, this is a characteristic that’s very much within your control. Shine recommends setting achievable goals for yourself, making it a point to acknowledge your positive traits and skills as well as accomplishments, and practicing self-acceptance.

Even if you’re still working on building up your confidence, Garmendia notes that you can exude a certain air of self-assuredness simply by sitting up straight and walking with a bit of swagger. There’s research to back this up, too: women are more attracted to men who walk upright and with poise, in part because moving in this way conveys a certain level of energy and health.

“Try to keep your shoulders back and your head held high when you're standing or walking,” says Barnett.

RELATED: Best Habits for Beating Low Confidence and Self-Doubt

9. Up Your Knowledge

Whether you know it or not, brains are sexy — and there’s research to prove it.

In one Columbia University study, single women rated the attractiveness, intelligence, and ambition of each guy they met at a speed dating event — and then indicated whether they were interested in getting that person’s contact info.

Researchers found that every point increase in a man’s intelligence rating (on a 1-to-10 scale) boosted the chances a woman would want to see him again by an average of 4.5 percentage points.

Another study published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior revealed that women find smarter and more creative men to be more appealing.

So, go ahead and nerd out on the subjects you’re most passionate about. Better yet, pick up a book or take a class to ramp up your knowledge so you have plenty to talk about on your next date.

10. Be an Empathetic Listener

It may sound simple, but sometimes just showing that you care what a woman has to say can make you instantly more attractive.

In fact, a 2017 study published in the journal Science of Nature found that women prefer men who are good listeners.

So, when a woman is talking, Suwinyattichaiporn advises showing that you’re paying attention.

“Make eye contact, nod along, and ask follow up questions,” she says.

Another pro tip: Repeating back what a woman said, in your own words — otherwise known as reflective listening — is a great way to demonstrate that you heard her and understand her.

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Mindfulness is more than a buzzword — it’s a powerful practice that has a positive ripple effect on many areas of your life, health and fitness included. Whether you’re embarking on a weight loss journey or want to improve your sleep, mindfulness can help you achieve your goals.

Before diving into the relationship between being mindful and accomplishing goals, it’s important to understand what people mean when they refer to mindfulness. Is it a state of being? Is it something you actively do? It turns out it’s a bit of both. The Oxford dictionary defines mindfulness as “a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.”

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Here is how incorporating mindfulness into your lifestyle — by being more present and intentional — can revolutionize your health and fitness goals.

It Allows You To Set Meaningful Goals

There’s a reason so many people talk about the importance of setting SMART goals (which stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-Bound, in case you didn’t know). The process of identifying your priorities and defining your objectives is crucial if you want to succeed. And when you bring mindfulness into that initial goal-setting phase, you can set more meaningful goals that you’ll be more likely to reach.

“When we are intentional and purposeful, we recognize where we are right now, and where we are headed. We can then decide if we're moving in the direction that's meaningful to us — or not. With more intentionality, we can direct ourselves toward goals that will truly fulfill us and hit them easier,” according to Trish Tutton, speaker and mindfulness teacher.

Think about it this way: The opposite of mindfulness is being on autopilot. Doing what you’ve always done when it comes to your health and fitness is only going to bring you the same outcomes. So, snap out of autopilot mode and consider your current and desired situation.

Are there areas of your life where you’re not taking care of your well-being as much as you would like to? Do you feel inspired to train for a race or increase your energy levels? Use mindfulness to reflect on what you want and why you want it. Then, devise an action plan.

It Leads to Healthier Habits

Additionally, mindfulness is a powerful ally on your journey to reaching health and fitness goals because it leads to healthier daily habits. “There is a strong relationship between mindfulness and achieving goals, as mindfulness can help individuals become more aware of their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and make more conscious choices that align with their goals,” according to Michael Goldstrom, the founder of GetMotivatedBuddies, a behavior change social platform.

“For instance, instead of impulsively and mindlessly eating a bag of chips, you can choose a healthier snack. Instead of automatically skipping exercise because you have had a stressful day, you can choose to exercise despite it,” adds licensed psychologist Garry Spink, Ph.D.

Long-term change happens through moment-to-moment decisions. Mindfulness allows you to stay in the moment and make healthier choices, from listening to your hunger cues to sticking to your workout routine.

It Helps You Stay On Track

Being anchored in the present moment also helps you stay on track with your goals and avoid the trap of all-or-nothing thinking.

“Mindfulness encourages us to be aware, moment to moment. With this orientation, we recognize that anytime is a good time to work towards our goals — it doesn't have to be a new year, a Monday, or the start of a new month,” says Tutton. “This moment is full of opportunities to make a new choice that takes you closer to your goals. Even if you missed going to the gym or meditating or eating more plants yesterday, today is a new opportunity, and each small choice adds up.”

It Lowers Your Stress Levels

Several studies have shown the impact of mindfulness practices such as meditation on stress levels — that’s because mindfulness plays a role in regulating your nervous system and has a calming effect.

If you want to reach your goals, less stress is good news, says Goldstrom: “Meditation can reduce stress and improve focus and clarity, which can in turn help individuals make progress towards their goals. No need to meditate for hours every day to reap those benefits either. You can technically practice mindfulness anywhere, anytime.

“Notice how often your mind wanders from what you're doing and dwells on past disappointments, or future stresses. Can you bring your mind right back to focus on what you're doing right now? This will not only help you enjoy what you're doing more, but it will also reduce unnecessary mental stress,” according to Tutton.

Leveraging Mindfulness to Reach Health and Fitness Goals

Ready to leverage the power of mindfulness to reach your health and fitness goals? Embrace the following habits.

Spink recommends practicing mindfulness in all areas of your life, not just health and fitness. “Like many other skills, it takes practice,” he says. “I encourage people to practice mindfulness in non-stressful situations including using various apps, eating their regular food, engaging in mindful breathing, and other less-difficult mindfulness exercises. Each practice helps build your ability to do it next time.

You’ll also want to pay attention to your thoughts and emotions so you can avoid self-sabotaging. “Try to let go of negative or self-defeating thoughts that may be holding you back from reaching your goals,” recommends Goldstrom. “Focus on the present moment, by simply recognizing recurring thoughts about the past or future.That simple act of awareness will make a change.”

Don’t forget to celebrate your successes as you make progress towards your goals — and, most importantly, don’t be hard on yourself if you’re not mindful all the time.

“I encourage people not to become upset with them if they have difficulty, are unfocused, or revert to the behavior they are trying to change,” adds Spink. “Changing behavior and reaching goals is hard, and there will be lapses. An important part of mindfulness is being non-judgemental, and that includes your mistakes. You should analyze the mistake, plan for how to address similar situations in the future, and move forward still in pursuit of your goal.”

Practice staying present and play the long game.

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Maybe you've been exercising steadily for a while, but you're not seeing the results you want. Or, maybe you're just getting into strength training, or getting back into a cardio workout routine after a long pause. Either way, you're likely wondering how often you should be working out to maximize your fitness. It's a common question that crosses any health-conscious mind, but there's no clear-cut answer that fits every body. Rather, it depends on your starting point and your individual fitness goals, whether they be losing weight, gaining strength, improving endurance, or achieving muscle growth.

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As a general rule, one workout session per week is obviously better than nothing at all. But if you really want to commit to fitness, most people should aim to tackle some cardio exercise and resistance training at least four to five days per week. If you're quite fit, however, and feel comfortable with a well-established workout routine Tony Horton, personal trainer and creator of P90X, says that six days of workouts each week is ideal. 

Of course, you may not have the time to commit to an extended full-body workout every day, nor should you put your body through intense exercise every day, but the key is to remember any activity counts here. Horton believes that maintaining a steady workout frequency – no matter how short the sweat sesh – helps to enforce the mentality of taking good care of your body and your overall health throughout the week (not just on weekends, or whenever else you can fit in a workout session).

"Inconsistent exercise is the fitness equivalent of driving across the country on surface streets. You’re bound to hit nothing but stop signs, streetlights, detours, construction ... you don’t get any momentum," Horton says. "The six-days-a-week mentality and lifestyle will get you on the 'open highway' to better fitness and results."

How Often to Work Out at Every Fitness Level

As noted above, your weekly training volume and the level of intensity you aim for depends on your fitness level. You don't want to push yourself too hard from the start as this will put you at greater risk of injury. You're also likely to become discouraged if you run out of gas too quickly and then skip subsequent workouts. In the end, that would defeat the point and make it that much harder to reach the goal of being consistently mindful of your health every day.

Although you don't want to hurt yourself by overtraining and pushing your body past the point of recovery, remember that even your rest days can incorporate some light physical activity, such as a leisurely walk or slow-paced yoga practice.

With that in mind, the following guidelines are key to keep in mind when it comes to how often you should work out at every fitness level.

Now, it's easy to throw numbers out there, but how do you actually implement a good workout schedule to fit your needs? We spoke to Alex Rothstein, Coordinator and Instructor of the Exercise Science degree program at New York Institute of Technology to find out more. He shares that it all comes down to determining which body parts to focus on with each exercise routine and how much rest to give those body parts between workouts. The answers to these questions, however, depend on several factors.

How Often to Workout for Beginners

First, be realistic with yourself about how experienced you are with resistance training. As a beginner, you should focus on two to three workout days per week with one or two rest days between them, focusing on compound movements. 

"Each workout should incorporate a full-body approach, meaning all of the muscles of the upper and lower body are targeted to some extent, but not necessarily isolated," says Rothstein. He adds that the goal should be to train each body part twice per week (and scientific research agrees). So stick to compound movements, such as weighted lunges which allow you to target your arms and legs in one of your three strength training workouts for the week.

When it comes to rest, you can incorporate true off days and cardiovascular exercise activities to keep your fitness plan well-rounded.

RELATED: How Often Should You Be Doing Weight Training Per Week?

How Often to Workout for Advanced Fitness

When it comes to more experienced individuals, Rothstein agrees with Horton, noting that six days per week is a great goal for training frequency. He notes, however, that workout intensity plays a huge role when it comes to determining rest periods in this scenario. Obviously, there are only seven days in a week, so a six-day workout regimen involves careful planning to not overtax any muscle group too many days in a row. 

Unlike the two- to three-day workout regimen for beginners, the workouts in a six-day regimen should not focus on a full-body approach. Instead, the schedule should utilize alternating days focused on the upper body (chest, arms, abs, and back) and lower body (legs), with some cardiovascular exercise thrown in the mix, as well as different intensity levels to allow for proper rest without having to ditch a workout altogether. 

"When an individual performs a lower body workout with a very high-intensity level, they place a tremendous amount of stress on their muscles, bones, and nervous system," says Rothstein. "This usually means the individual should either rest the next day or have a less intense workout the following day using different muscle groups."

He also notes that a six-day workout regimen is not a one-size-fits-all plan by any means, even for those at an advanced fitness level. Its success depends on (and should be catered to) how well an individual recovers from one workout to another. This can be affected by anything from how well they’re feeding their muscles with the right foods to how well they sleep.

That said, if you feel well-rested and well-recovered from one workout to the next, you should feel confident to carry on with a six-day workout regimen that properly alternates muscle groups, intensity levels, and activity styles. If you find yourself excessively fatigued, however, Rothstein suggests decreasing the intensity of your workouts or even how often you're working out until your muscles gain more strength.

Focus and Dedication Are Key to Frequency

No matter where you start or how soon you get to the goal on your fitness journey, Horton encourages individuals to stay focused. He suggests making a "plan of attack" and plotting your schedule of workouts on a calendar to show your dedication to your regimen.

"If you want to experience optimal health and dramatic results, it’s going to take planning, determination, accountability, and commitment," says Horton. "[So] put the calendar in a place where you’ll see your progress every day, [and] when you complete your workout, cross it off with a thick red marker."

Finally, despite the myriad benefits of a rigid schedule, Horton also cautions against complacency. He suggests sticking to your planned schedule of workouts, but keeping things fresh by introducing new routines. As you keep your muscles guessing, it will help you avoid overtraining and hitting a plateau. But, maybe even more importantly, it will help to keep things fun and interesting so you look forward to your workouts each day.

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If you think being attracted to someone works in mysterious ways, think again.

Whether you have a “type” or find yourself attracted to very different people depending on the context, you’ll benefit from learning about the science behind those butterflies in your stomach.

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There are different types of attraction, which can explain your affinity for adventurous souls as well as your crush on the neighbor you’ve barely ever had a conversation with. Understanding those attraction types can help you date more intentionally — and prevent heartbreak down the line.

“We don’t always know why we’re attracted to someone, and having an idea about the different types of attraction can get us in tune with the reasons behind our feelings and navigate us toward partners who will meet our relationship needs,” says Dr. Sarah E. Hill, an award-winning research psychologist and professor and consultant for the dating app Cougar Life.

Plus, as Kristal DeSantis, MA, LMFT, a certified clinical trauma professional and author of STRONG: A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man, puts it, “different types of attraction lead to different types of relationships.”

For example, sexual chemistry without emotional attraction may work well as a short-term, casual fling, but it won’t necessarily set the foundation for a long-term, committed relationship.

There are no rights or wrongs here — it all depends on who you are and what you’re looking for. Explore the different types of attraction below to gain a deeper understanding of yourself when it comes to dating and relationships.

The Different Types of Attraction

Sexual Attraction

Sexual attraction consists of experiencing sexual desire for another person. Keep in mind that while there is usually an overlap between being romantically attracted to someone and feeling aroused by them, sexual and romantic attraction are not one and the same.

For example, some people are asexual, which means they don’t feel the urge to have sexual relationships but can still enjoy being in romantic relationships. Another example: One-night-stands based purely on lust.

Physical Attraction

Physical attraction involves craving physical closeness with someone — but not necessarily in sexual ways.

Yes, there can again be an overlap, but there are other forms of physical closeness — hugging and cuddling, for instance. Being physically attracted to someone means longing for physical affection with them.

Emotional Attraction

Emotional attraction is about the pull you feel towards someone’s inner world and unique personality.

It’s based on the desire to be emotionally close and share your most intimate thoughts and feelings with each other. It’s one of the most important types of attraction in all interpersonal relationships, including friendships, because it’s the pillar of intimacy.

Romantic Attraction

Simply put, romantic attraction is about wanting to be romantically involved with someone.

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You may feel a strong emotional affinity for someone — say, you enjoy spending time together and love your deep conversations — without wanting anything more than a platonic relationship with them. Or you may be romantically interested in someone without feeling that strong of a sexual pull towards them.

Aesthetic Attraction

If you’re wondering what is the difference between aesthetic and physical attraction, think about it this way: You can find someone very pleasant to look at but not feel the desire to get close to them on a physical, emotional, romantic or sexual level.

Aesthetic attraction is about finding someone visually appealing, beautiful, handsome — however you want to put it.

Intellectual Attraction

If you identify as a sapiosexual, you probably value intellectual attraction. It’s about being attracted to someone’s mind and thoughts.

When you get turned on by impressive debating skills or can’t wait to pick your date’s brain about politics, you’re likely experiencing intellectual attraction.

Are Some Attraction Types ‘Better’ Than Others?

As you see, different types of attraction can happen simultaneously. And now that you know a little bit more about the intricacies that make humans attracted to each other, you may be wondering whether some attraction types are better than others.

“It depends on the type of relationship you are looking for. Being attracted to someone on one level may be enough to sustain a short-term connection,” says DeSantis. “However, when thinking about a long-term relationship, you want to look for as many points of connection and attraction as possible.”

That’s because it helps you stay committed when inevitable bumps in the road show up, says Hill: “For example, if a man is attracted to his partner on multiple levels — physically, romantically, and sexually — this means he will not feel like his needs aren’t being met in the relationship if they experience a sexual dry spell or if his partner’s work schedule makes it difficult for them to have emotional intimacy for a period of time.”

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Keep in mind that emotional attraction is important for sustaining any long-term relationship. In that sense, it stands out among the attraction types.

“Emotional attraction is indispensable to a long-term relationship,” says DeSantis. “When physical attraction fades, if there is no emotional connection, there is no relationship. Physical, romantic, and sexual connection are all important factors, but emotional connection is the core need of any relationship — romantic or platonic.”

So, if you’re looking for something serious, it’s best to connect on more than one level — and you’ll also want to make sure that the emotional attraction is there.

But if you’re looking for “friendships, shorter-term relationships, or even situationships,” Hill adds, “the types of attraction that are most necessary will be specific to the relationships.”

Other Attraction Factors to Keep in Mind

Before you start using your awareness of attraction types to analyze every date and encounter, consider that one of the biggest points of confusion for men is the tendency to confuse physical attractiveness for other types of attraction, according to Hill.

“Who we are attracted to is not just a matter of choosing the most physically attractive partner,” she says. “Who is the most attractive partner for each of us — although there are some universal features that most people are attracted to in partners — can differ quite dramatically between people.”

“Attraction is idiosyncratic and highly subjective, so it is useful to spend some time exploring our attractions to different types of partners to learn more about what makes each of us tick,” Hill adds.

The next time you find someone incredibly physically attractive, ask yourself whether there is more to your feelings. In a similar vein, don’t discount someone you don’t find immediately physically attractive ‘on paper.’

Additionally, it’s important to know that attraction is flexible and can grow or fade over time, says DeSantis.

“When you know how to nurture and stimulate attraction in yourself and in your partner, you increase your ability to sustain connection over the course of a long-term relationship,” she explains.

Finally, don’t forget that being attracted to someone doesn’t mean that there is the potential to have a long-term relationship with them, adds DeSantis: “Like Esther Perel says, ‘Not every love story is a life story.’”

Regardless of the outcome, understanding what you long for and want to prioritize will make your love life that much more fulfilling.

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The list of pre-workout rituals that people swear by could go on longer than a CVS receipt for one packet of gum. You've surely heard it all, from this week's best exotic supplement to the holy grail of protein powders to all the misguided suggestions on the proper way to warm up before you hit the rack.

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While a lot of this advice might not kill you, technically, some of it very likely is not making your workouts much better. In fact, some of the most well-intentioned pre-workout advice might even be hampering your workouts and preventing you from hitting your fitness goals! You also might be spending your hard-earned cash trying to eat the “right” foods or take the “right” supplements before your workout when, in reality, you may be better off saving those dollars for your gym membership or an upgrade to your home exercise equipment.

That's why we spoke to a few experts to get the low-down on all the pre-workout mistakes you're making, and how you can fix them before your next sweat session.

Mistake #1: You're Lifting on an Empty Stomach

"The first mistake men tend to make is lifting on an empty stomach thinking that they will burn more fat, but it's the reverse that actually occurs," says Daniel Sullivan, certified personal trainer and founder of The Diesel Physique.

He goes on to explain that this causes the body to go catabolic faster, which means it will target the largest source of energy. Unfortunately, this source is not fat, but muscle.

Frank Dennison, AAFA- and NASM-certified personal trainer and RockBox Fitness’ Product Manager agrees, noting that you should never workout without eating if you are trying to build muscle.

Solution: Rather than going into your workout with a grumbling stomach, Sullivan recommends a light pre-workout meal. For Dennison, this could mean a pre-workout supplement with BCAAs, or branched-chain amino acids, to give your exercise performance a boost and enhance muscle growth, as well.

“If you train early in the morning, ensure you are hydrated and have some BCAA's to protect your muscles from being used for energy,” Dennison recommends. “This will keep your body from being catabolic.”

Mistake #2: You're Careless With Your Pre-Workout Supplement

Though you don’t want to lift on an empty stomach, you’ll also want to be careful about any pre-workout supplement you shake up before your sweat sesh. Vincent Nguyen-Bui, a personal trainer on The Bright App, warns of a few common mistakes you may be making, especially when it comes to timing, portions, and dehydration.

“If you take a pre-workout supplement when you're not properly hydrated, you're probably going to feel too tired to get motivated,” he says, adding that poor timing and improper serving size can also cause issues. “Taking too little might do nothing [to help your workout]. On the other hand, if you take too much, you risk experiencing side effects such as nausea or trouble sleeping, especially if you tend to workout in the evening."

Dennison echoes this sentiment and specifically cautions against trying out a brand new pre-workout supplement right before your sweat session.

“Often, they are full of caffeine that can cause jitters and other ingredients that may not agree with your body,” he says. “Some pre-workouts can even cause an upset stomach and headaches.”

Solution: Take the suggested serving size of your pre-workout supplement about 30 to 45 minutes before your workout. Nguyen-Bui notes that taking the right serving amount of a pre-workout supplement at the right time will allow you to feel the benefits right as your workout begins.

Dennison also recommends being cognizant of the amount of caffeine in your pre-workout supplement, and consider how much additional caffeine you plan to consume beyond that, such as in coffee or tea. Depending on when you workout, you also want to make sure that you’re not ultimately going to disturb your sleeping pattern.

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“If you are trying a new supplement, read the label and do some quick research,” Dennison suggests. “Try a half serving of a new product instead of a full serving to see how your body will react.”

If you're not even sure what’s in your supplement, New York City-based personal trainer Karina Krepp suggests giving your supps a more careful look. She recommends utilizing Examine.com as a resource to let you know about potential side effects, product quality, and what other users are saying.

Mistake #3: Your Pre-Workout Meal Is Too Heavy

While working out on an empty stomach can really hinder your muscle growth, you also don't want to eat something too heavy before you set out to break a sweat.

“[A heavy pre-workout meal] can cause nausea, acid reflux, cramping, and slowed down performance,” says Dennison “Also try to avoid eating foods with high fat content, which can slow down digestion.”

Aside from the potentially uncomfortable effects, a full stomach could also prevent your body from immediately burning fat for fuel, which is pretty counterproductive especially if your current goal is weight loss.

Solution: Dennison suggests eating fruit before your workout, such as apples, bananas, and even raisins, noting that they have been shown to increase endurance. He also recommends incorporating a low-sugar endurance formula with 20 to 30 grams of carbohydrates, BCAAs, and a built-in electrolyte formula to keep your muscles hydrated.

Prefer to go a little more natural with your pre-workout fuel-up? Krepp has some tips.

“I prefer whole foods to powdered supplements [because it’s] less taxing on the kidneys and liver,” she says. “Depending on your goals, you may want to add exogenous amino acids and a sip or two of caffeine before you start your burn.”

If you do opt for powdered supplements, however, Krepp recommends cycling through different trusted options to give your organs a processing break.

Mistake #4: You Rely on Static Stretches

Simply put, static stretches are just not enough to warm you up before your workout. (You are warming up, right?) In fact, they can even diminish your performance! 

“Contrary to popular belief, static stretching can actually decrease your strength and raise the risk of pulling or straining a muscle,” warns Dennison.

These stretches involve holding a single position for an extended period of time without movement, which can really tire your muscles out. They're actually great for increasing blood flow and improving flexibility when done at the end of your workout, but they're just not good for warming up.

Solution: Instead of static stretches, Dennison suggests dynamic stretching for your pre-workout warm-up. These are stretches that allow your joints and muscles to experience their full range of motion so there are no surprises when you jump into your workout.

“Or, do some light cardio for three to five minutes to warm up,” Dennison says. “And if you are training and isolating muscle groups, you can also use exercise bands with higher reps to pump blood into the desired muscle group.”

Mistake #5: You Went Hard on the Alcohol Last Night

Not only does alcohol consumption lead to dehydration the next day, but Dennison warns that it could affect your motor skills and coordination, and ultimately lead to workout injuries, especially if you’ve still got a little buzzing through your system. Krepp agrees, noting that if you’re overtired, you should just shift your scheduled workout to the next day instead.

Solution: The fix here is simple, according to Dennison: “Enjoy your drinks responsibly and leave the workout for another day!”

Krepp says the same, noting that trying to push through the hangover and causing yourself injury can cost you weeks in the long run, rather than just the one day.

But, if you’re truly hesitant to skip your workout altogether, she suggests engaging in movements that fit your mental ability to focus and your physical ability to safely execute in your hungover state. Or, if that doesn’t seem feasible, try going for a long hike instead. At the very least, some fresh air should do your body good. Just remember to bring along some water or electrolytes to keep yourself well hydrated after all that imbibing.

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'Tis the season for popping the question, with about 40% of proposals happening between Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day. And a one-of-a-kind partner deserves a one-of-a-kind ring, right?

RELATED: How to Choose the Perfect Engagement Ring

Sure, you could easily pick out a mass-produced rock from one of the many chain retailers, but trust us — it’s well worth the effort to search for something a little more distinctive. 

In fact, a 2021 survey by The Knot revealed that many couples are taking a “highly personalized approach” to engagement planning and ring shopping.

After all, your relationship is completely unique, and the piece you propose with should reflect that. Whether your partner prefers conventional diamond rings or offbeat alternatives, here are some truly special rings you can buy online.

Get a vintage engagement ring

Why it’s special: The beauty of a vintage ring is in its history: There’s a certain charm and sentimentality to the fact that the ring may have been a part of someone else’s love story.

As an added bonus, these rings are one of the most environmentally friendly and ethical options available — in fact, they have almost no carbon footprint.

Plus, many vintage rings actually increase in value with time.

So, it should come as no surprise they’re highly sought after: Ellie Goulding and Penelope Cruz are just a couple of celebs who rock a vintage engagement ring.

What to consider: One of the first things you’ll need to ask yourself when shopping for vintage rings is which era will appeal to your SO’s tastes, as each offers something special in terms of design. For instance, Art Nouveau rings tend to be delicate and flowery, while Art Deco rings are more angular and geometrical, and Retro Era rings are usually big, bold, and colorful.

Keep in mind that vintage rings aren’t really customizable — what you see is what you get. Also, since most were crafted by hand before modern machines could mass produce rings, don’t expect total perfection. 

It’s also worth noting that vintage rings demand a lot of maintenance and upkeep, which can seem like a hassle to some brides.

Where to shop:

Build your own engagement ring

Why it’s special: A custom-designed ring is a true symbol of your originality as a couple.

The main advantage of this route is that it allows you total creative freedom over every single aspect of the ring. You can tweak every feature according to your partner’s tastes — from the setting to the shape, size, and color of the diamond.

Plus, the ring is inherently more meaningful because you put a lot of time and thought into designing it.

What to consider: The first thing you’ll need to decide is whether you’ll be collaborating with the designer, or with your partner, on the process of creating the ring. 

If you’re trying to maintain an element of surprise, you obviously want to be pretty certain about your partner’s likes and dislikes before you start designing their ring. 

A Pinterest board can provide some helpful inspiration — but if your significant other doesn’t have one, try asking for their opinion on rings you see in store windows and display cases to start sussing out their preferences. Consult their friends and family, too, who they may have shared some insight with in regard to their dream ring.

Another thing to keep in mind is that the design process can take time — up to 10 weeks or more, depending on multiple factors. So, don’t start ordering a custom engagement ring a week before you want to propose. Be sure to get a realistic timeline from your jeweler so you can plan accordingly. 

Where to shop:

RELATED: Everything Guys Need to Know When Buying an Engagement Ring

Opt for alternative stones

Why it’s special: Over 80% of people go for a diamond engagement ring. But that may be all the more reason to choose a different center stone — particularly if your bride’s style is anything but traditional.

Diamond alternatives often stand out, mainly because of their vibrant colors and other unique properties.

Best of all, since these other gems are typically far more affordable than diamonds, you can either stick to a smaller budget or splurge for a larger center stone.

And if you go against the grain, you’ll be in good company: Princess Diana’s ultra-famous engagement ring, now worn by daughter-in-law Kate Middleton, features a sapphire.

What to consider: The main drawback to alternative stones is that they just can’t match diamonds in terms of durability. 

That said, some stones do come close. For example, rubies and sapphires clock in at a 9 on the Mohs scale, which means they’re more likely to stand the test of time — whereas many semi-precious stones like amethyst, citrine, and garnet rank lower on the scale, making them more vulnerable to wear and tear. 

Opals and pearls are notorious for being the softest, meaning they’ll show scratches far more easily.

Keep in mind that these stones can range vastly in color, too — so be sure to explore all your options. 

For example, some rubies may be lighter pink in color versus vivid red, while emeralds can lean more bluish or yellowish green. Sapphires, meanwhile, aren’t always blue: they come in a variety of colors from yellow and orange to green, pink, and purple.

And if you still want the classic, clean look of a colorless diamond, there are plenty of other alternative options to consider as well, like Moissanite and white sapphires.

Where to shop:

Engrave a special message

Why it’s special: One other easy way to make any engagement ring unique is to engrave it with a message.

Every time your partner puts on or takes off their ring, they’ll be reminded of your personal note. 

This option gives you the flexibility to either choose a preset design or custom design your ring. 

What to consider: The first thing to figure out, of course, is what you want to have engraved. The possibilities are endless, but popular options include important dates, initials, nicknames, meaningful locations, or simple but romantic phrases like “I do” or “Always & forever.”

Engraving only works if the band is thick enough — ideally, it needs to be at least 4 mm for there to be enough space.

Some retailers offer complimentary engraving when you purchase one of their rings, but others might charge an extra fee. 

Remember that some more intricate symbols can only be achieved using a modern laser engraving machine — and not all jewelers have that equipment.

Always be sure the ring fits before engraving — because the engraving may be ruined in the resizing process.

Lastly, note that the engraving process can range from one day to weeks, so make sure to check with your jeweler before making any plans to pop the question.

Where to shop:

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From hair transplants to injectables, if you have the means and the will, you can alter some of the features you’re insecure about. But you can’t change your height…or can you? Cosmetic height surgery, also known as stature lengthening, is a rising trend for the men who can afford it and are willing to go through the procedure.

RELATED: Cosmetic Treatments for Men

How Does Cosmetic Height Surgery Work?

If you’re wondering how it works, it’s a lengthening of the legs — either through the thigh bone or shin. Yes, it involves breaking bones in strategic areas. But the surgery is only one part of it. The actual lengthening is a gradual process. An orthopedics surgeon inserts magnetic nails in the legs, which are slowly extended through a remote control on a daily basis.

Once the desired length is achieved, the bones heal and the nails are removed. Doctors closely monitor patients during the whole process, and physiotherapy is part of the recovery. Patients can usually resume walking pretty soon after the surgery, though their athletic ability may not be quite the same after undergoing the procedure.

Is Limb Lengthening Worth It?

“If you asked most men if they would like to be taller, they would most likely say yes. That being said, if you asked most men if they want to go through a series of surgical procedures, pain, and incisions to gain a few inches to their height, they most likely would say no. People also have to realize it's not instant results but a slow process,” says Dr. David Shafer, double board certified plastic surgeon and founder of Shafer Clinic Fifth Avenue.

Not to mention the price tag. Dr. Kevin Debiparshad, founding surgeon at The LimbplastX Institute in Las Vegas, Nevada, charges $76,000 for it, according to Insider. In Canada, a 22-year-old man who spoke to The Star said he paid $85,000 to add three to four inches to his height.

The technique is not new, but it’s been traditionally used to correct deformities or injuries. Not a lot of experts offer it for cosmetic reasons — and it’s still a bit of a taboo. Many of the people who go through it only tell their closest friends and family about it. “There is still some stigma, but it is not as shameful as before because most surgeons are making people understand that it is not different from other forms of surgery, like a butt lift,” says Barbara Santini, psychologist at Peaches and Screams.

Limb lengthening sounds hardcore — and it is invasive for sure — but it’s rather safe: A review of 11 studies including 795 patients concluded that “cosmetic stature lengthening provides favourable height gain, patient satisfaction, and functional outcomes, with low rate of major complications.” Keep in mind that while complications are rare, they are scary considering your legs are such a vital part of your functioning.

Why Are More Men Considering Cosmetic Height Surgery?

“I think shorter men feel insecure and may have low self-esteem due to their appearance. Research also says that women mostly like taller men, which may make them feel less attractive and want to add a few inches for the advantage,” says Santini. Just ask anyone who has felt instantly disqualified by their height on a dating app — some users will straight-up disclose height minimums on their profiles.

One study on online dating preferences revealed that a man who is 5 feet 6 inches tall, for example, needs an additional $175,000 to be as desirable as a man who is approximately 6 feet tall in the eyes of the women surveyed. Besides romantic insecurities, career aspirations may drive a desire to be tall too. Research shows that taller people are perceived as being more competent as well as being better leaders.

Those biases are unfortunate, but they make a convincing case for wanting to be taller. Cosmetic height surgery may not be as mainstream as getting Botox, but it’s an avenue for those who have thought about it long and hard and think it would enhance their confidence and wellbeing. “For any procedure people should consider the risks and benefits, costs, recovery and long term issues,” says Shafer. “Furthermore, you should be healthy psychologically,” adds Santini.

There is also something to be said about self-acceptance in the face of social expectations. Which, slowly but surely, are changing to celebrate body diversity — the expression “short king,” a term that has emerged to celebrate shorter men, is an example of that. Urban Dictionary defines it as “a man who realizes that his lack of height has nothing to do with his perception of his own self worth.”

At the end of the day, whether you choose to embrace being a Short King or you want to add a few inches to your stature through cosmetic surgery, it’s a personal choice.

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Dating apps are a breeding ground for deception: There’s a good chance that at some point, you’ve been disappointed to find that a match wasn’t 100% honest about how they look, who they are, or what lifestyle they lead.

For the most part, and for obvious reasons, people usually try to appear more attractive to get more right swipes — for instance, by only including photos of themselves from 10 years ago or when they were 15 pounds thinner (often referred to as “kittenfishing.”)

But now, many users are doing just the opposite: uploading the most unflattering photos of themselves — a tactic known as “reverse catfishing.” The goal? To attract people who are drawn to your personality, not your physical appearance.

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This approach has become increasingly popular as daters grow tired of surface-level connections with superficial people. But does it work? And more importantly, is it ethical? Below, dating experts share the ins and outs of reverse catfishing.

What Is Reverse Catfishing?

The term 'catfishing' refers to an online dating scam when a person pretends to be someone they aren't in order to seduce unwitting victims — typically, by pretending to be someone more attractive or desirable than they actually are — often for money, but in some cases simply for the thrill of the attention.

While you’re not pretending to be a completely different person, reverse catfishing operates in the opposite direction — you’re trying to come off as less attractive than you really are.

Maybe you upload a few photos from an unflattering angle to create the illusion of a double chin or a beer belly. When you finally meet up with your match for that first date, you’ll have already forged the start of a connection with someone who clearly likes you for who you are on the inside. What’s more, your date will feel like they hit the jackpot when they discover you’re actually in excellent shape.

At the beginning of 2022, The Sun published a column titled "I’m a reverse catfish — I put ugly pics on Tinder so men are pleasantly surprised when we meet & it works every time."

This appears to be the origin of the term, but not necessarily the strategy. In fact, there’s evidence of this trend on Reddit from as far back as 10 years ago.

Why Do People Reverse Catfish?

According to experts, the main reason why people reverse catfish is simply that they’re tired of being judged based on their looks. Often, they’re looking for a deeper connection with someone who appreciates their intelligence, sense of humor, or other traits — not just their six-pack abs, chiseled jawline, or movie star smile.

Alternatively, Kevin Darné — author of Online Dating Avoid The Catfish!: How To Date Online Successfully — says some reverse catfishers are simply trying to avoid being used or taken advantage of for their looks, financial success, or other attractive attributes.

“Many cultural trends are shifting universally, starting a few years ago with the body positivity movement,” says Lori Ann Kret, a licensed clinical social worker and cofounder of Aspen Relationship Institute.

“Our society is increasingly feeling the loneliness and emptiness born from an overemphasis on superficiality in appearance and connection,” Kret says. “The isolation of COVID has only increased our desire to have more meaningful, authentic relationships, not just ‘likes’ for the photoshopped masked versions we've been putting into the world.”

Dating and relationship coach Meg L. Rector adds that it can be hard to manage expectations when it comes to online dating. By presenting a less-than-desirable image of yourself, you maintain a sense of power over your image and how you’re perceived — at least until you have an opportunity to meet up IRL.

Is Reverse Catfishing a Good Idea?

While reverse catfishing may come from a good place — the desire to form a genuine connection that’s beyond skin deep — experts agree that it’s best to avoid this strategy. Deception is deception, even if there’s no malicious intent behind it.

“Purposely tricking someone, even if it seems harmless, isn't the best way to start any relationship,” explains Kret. “You don't know how that will impact the development of trust with this person down the road.”

As Darné points out, when the person you reverse catfished discovers what you really look like, they may feel more resentful than overjoyed. To some, this tactic may feel like game playing or a test, which can be a major turn-off right from the get-go. After all, if you deceived them from the start, how do they know you won’t do it again?

All that said, Rector notes that uploading pictures where you look less than perfect isn’t the same thing as reverse catfishing. It all comes down to your motive. For example, adding photos to your profile where you’re in gym clothes with bed-head isn’t necessarily reverse catfishing — while that may not be how you show up to a date where you’re seeking to impress someone, it may really be how you look on a day off.

“There’s a clear difference between singles who are truly reverse catfishing with this manipulative undertone, and those who are just showing a much more authentic version of themselves by posting more real,” adds Kret.

How to Date Without Reverse Catfishing

So, we’ve established that reverse catfishing isn’t exactly a great way to start a relationship. But luckily, according to experts, there are lots of other ways to meet people who aren’t just interested in you based on your appearance.

For example, Kret advises highlighting some of your quirks and unique qualities in your profile — say, your nerdy passion for retro video games, your secret bird-watching hobby, or your unusually expansive knowledge of jazz music. These kinds of idiosyncrasies will attract people who appreciate what makes you unique, not just what makes you nice to look at.

“By being willing to share these less-than-perfect facets, we create a safe invitation for others to be vulnerable and imperfect with us,” says Kret. “The space for shared authentic vulnerability is at the core of healthy, meaningful relationships, as it is the place where emotional intimacy is fostered and strengthened. It is where we have the experience of being truly seen and loved and accepted as we are.”

Darné also recommends investing more time into the pre-screening process before deciding to meet someone in person. Taking things slow will allow you to suss out whether or not someone is actually compatible with you and looking for a deeper connection.

When in doubt, don’t be afraid to ask a match: “What made you swipe right on me?” If they say your profile made them laugh, or they were psyched to find you have a shared hobby, then you may just have a keeper on your hands — and the best part is, you didn’t even have to resort to deceptive tactics to find them.

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Have you found yourself glancing at wrists when you go in for a handshake a bit more lately? Maybe ogled a photo of Paul Newman’s iconic Rolex Daytona here and there? Do you find yourself wondering what it would take to budget for a timepiece a little nicer than the Casio you’ve had since college? Congratulations — you, like many others these days, are becoming a part of the Watch Wave.

In recent years, interest in timepieces has increased exponentially. Sales are up, especially on the vintage/resale markets, and more and more people seem to be taking an interest in them. If you’ve thought about dipping your toe into the watch world for the first time, here’s everything you need to know to make the right decision.

RELATED: Most Durable Watches for Men

Why Is the Watch Boom Happening?

There’s rarely a concrete answer as to why certain trends or waves form, save for Top Gun: Maverick inspiring every single dude you know to at least give a mustache a shot over the summer.

The current state of the watch wave (which is in a complicated place as of writing) can ostensibly be chalked up to a few factors. The early years of the pandemic saw a great many people come into excess income thanks to relief checks and unemployment stipends. This also happened to coincide with the rise of cryptocurrency. We aren’t here to litigate the logistics, function, or ethics of crypto, so I’ll sum it up as such: a lot of people suddenly had a lot more money than they’d ever had in their lives.

When such a large influx of wealth occurs, people are gonna spend it accordingly. Both the pandemic and the crypto boom were happening at the same time as the sneaker surge hitting all-time highs (we can specifically point to the docuseries The Last Dance as the apex of that trend, with vintage sneaker prices on resale sites like StockX hitting all-time highs). Trends in fashion tend to be driven by a simple principle: people spend frivolously when there’s money to burn and pick their purchases a bit more carefully when it’s tighter. As the sneaker craze faded out, the presence of watches as status symbols began to rise again.

More recently, we’ve moved closer to a potential recession. When recessions happen, trendier items tend to be passed up for more timeless investment pieces (it’s no coincidence that our last recession gave way to the #Menswear movement, with a focus on selvedge denim and higher-quality less-is-more pieces). That brings us up to speed.

Watches are experiencing an unprecedented rise in popularity. There’s no telling how long it’ll last, but the good news is that unlike the latest pair of Air Jordans, a Rolex Submariner is going to look as good ten years from now as it does today.

Is This a Good Time to Buy a Watch?

In short? Yes, absolutely. Vintage watch prices are dropping across the board. Three years ago ago a vintage Rolex Submariner would set you back as much as $18K. Today you can pick one up for closer to $11K, a substantial drop. There are more watches than ever available on the resale market and there are an unprecedented number of ways to buy watches. You can go to a local authorized dealer or any number of online retailers, which are more reliable than ever these days thanks to the prominence of authentication services (more on those later).

Should You Buy New or Vintage?

Listen, ultimately the answer to this is subjective. What I can offer is this: right now it’s going to be far easier to get a vintage watch than it is a new one. With the exception of some of the more ubiquitous brands (Omega, Cartier) it’s actually a bit difficult to walk into, say, a Patek Phillipe authorized dealer and walk out with a Nautilus. It’s a simple issue of supply and demand: for years now watches have been growing in popularity and the manufacturers can only produce so many at the quality of work they guarantee per year. The result is lengthy waitlists that even the likes of famous watch collectors like Ed Sheeran can’t circumvent.

Vintage watches might not have that brand-new feel but they often have more character and feature a built-in patina (the natural aging of a watch). They’re also significantly easier to procure. There are no wait lists. You simply shop for what’s available and pay for it when you’ve made your selection.

Where Should You Buy a Watch?

Again, there’s a wide array of watch retailers you can choose from these days. Of the online watch marketplaces the one I’d personally recommend is Chrono24. Chrono24 is a simple consumer-to-consumer business. Users can list watches for auction or at a fixed price and wait for the right customer to come. The selection, as a result, is vast and if you can’t find the watch you’re looking for on Chrono24 you’re going to have trouble finding it anywhere.

The hub offers significant protection against counterfeit watches, often building a relationship with sellers over the course of years so as to guarantee authenticity. Your purchases are fully protected if the watch that arrives doesn’t resemble the one you purchased and they have a zero-tolerance policy for sellers who list fake watches.

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One of the great legs up Chrono24 has on the competition is a function on the site that tracks the sale of each watch in its listings over time, not unlike StockX’s chart that serves the same purpose for sneakers. This means you can see if it’s a good time to buy the specific watch you’re interested in by tracking its average sale price over the course of years.

What About eBay?

What about eBay, indeed? The platform has doubled down on the watch business over the last few years, taking significant measures to become as reputable a platform for prospective sellers and buyers as possible. They offer an Authenticity Guarantee and every watch sold for over $2K comes with it automatically (cheaper watches can be authenticated for $80).

Let’s address some controversy first: eBay is a massive platform and sells more watches every day than any specialty retailer could ever hope to move. They currently offer authentication through a single facility in Ohio. That’s a lot of watches being moved through a single location with a limited staff of experts on hand.

The result is that eBay is home to its fair share of watch-buying horror stories. It’s not uncommon for a vintage watch to make it through authentication with replacement parts or even infamous Frankensteins (watches assembled from the parts of a variety of different watch models and being passed off as something authentic).

It’s important here to clarify something: actual counterfeits rarely make it through authentication for any of these platforms. It’s incredibly hard to pass off a Canal Street Fauxlex for the real thing and it usually takes no more than a fleeting glance for any sort of expert to recognize what’s real and what’s fake.

The concern the watch community holds for eBay has far more to do with those aforementioned replacement parts. When someone is spending $10K or more on a watch, oftentimes they have a very specific idea of what they want to be buying, and often that means they want the original watch with all original parts. Many watch companies for decades now have offered free and easy repairs for authorized owners, meaning you can send your Rolex in for a new crystal, dial, or hand if necessary. To a certain kind of watch buyer, the value of a watch is decreased when it contains these replacement parts. And it’s these replacement parts that often aren’t caught in the authentication process for eBay.

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However, that shouldn’t totally discourage you. The selection of watches available on eBay right now is pretty vast, and for every horror story there are countless successes. The brand has made significant strides to tighten up their authentication services over the last few years and as long as you know what you’re looking for and how to spot a replacement dial on a Rolex, you shouldn’t hesitate to utilize their services. Do your research and cover your ass and you should be just fine.

In the interest of full disclosure, I purchased a vintage 1972 Rolex Oysterdate from eBay as part of the process of researching this story. The watch that arrived looked authentic, worked like a dream, and was identical to the one pictured in the listing. I couldn’t be happier with the piece. I took it to a local expert for verification and he confirmed that the watch was authentic. However, he noticed that one of the pins in the bracelet’s clasp didn’t match the brand’s standards, meaning it was an off-brand replacement. Is this the sort of thing eBay’s authentication services should perhaps crack down on in the future? Yeah, absolutely. The devil is in the details, whether it’s an entry-level 4-figure Rolex or a Daytona coming in at $70K. Still, it was hardly a dealbreaker for me, speaking personally.

What Kind of Watch Should You Get?

This is the fun part, and the one I can’t give you an answer to. The watch you buy is your decision to make. There are a ton of cool pieces out there and only you know which one’s going to make you happy. What I can offer you is this: do your research. If you’re going to spend a nice chunk of change on a watch, know what you’re buying. This is both practical and sentimental. In terms of the former, knowing what you’re buying makes it easier to make sure that you’re buying the best possible version of it. It’s hard to get ripped off when you know the watch you’re looking for well enough to notice. In terms of sentimentality, watches and the brands that make them come with rich histories. Knowing the heritage of what you’re wearing is so much of the joy of wearing a watch. It’s why I’m fixated on the watches I want to buy in the future, ones featured in James Bond films or worn by Steve McQueen. Ultimately, don’t buy a watch as an investment or with the intention of treating it as an asset. That’s how markets crash and trends die. Pick something you want to wear every day, and then when you buy it, do just that.

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As the holidays approach, they usher in feelings of gratitude. It is a time where men sit down with family and friends in celebration of their achievements and share their aspirations for the year to come.

But, for some, the holidays are bittersweet and melancholy. For some, life’s manageable challenges morph into overpowering uncertainties on how to meet future challenges. As these feelings persist, life’s luster begins to dull and man’s natural passion for life dwindles.

Weighed down by these feelings, getting out of bed becomes more difficult with each passing day as if everything has become three times harder than it should be.

If you can relate, then it may be worth your time to consider if there is an underlying issue.

RELATED: How to Spot Depression in Men

Persistent Depressive Disorder

Dysthymia is a mild, but long-lasting type of depression. Also called “persistent depressive disorder, it is estimated that 4% of the world’s population experiences dysthymia but may be unaware of it.

Often mistaken for a person being in a “blue mood”, the symptoms are easily dismissed, which is where the danger lies. Dysthymia is a low-grade type of depressive order that is more “high-functioning” than other types of depression so the individual is often unaware of the symptoms.

“Dysthymia is an affliction that affects millions of men, especially around the holidays. But since it goes unnoticed, it’s even more insidious than the soul-numbing effects of mainstream depression, which can be easily noticed and identified,” reports Dr. Bethany Cook, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who works in the field of depression.

“The condition can also be made worse by environmental triggers and physical conditions. Pollution, lack of sunlight, poor nutrition, and lack of movement can all be contributing factors that can cause a person to spiral further into the rabbit hole of dysthymia,” Cook adds.

Left untreated, there are six primary symptoms that begin to bubble over:

Fortunately, there are actionable steps an individual can take to reverse course and fend off its effects. Cognitive Behavior Theory (CBT) states that a person’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are all connected. If a person changes one of the three, the other two are forced to shift course as well. Countless studies support this hypothesis; CBT interventions and techniques have been shown to significantly improve a person’s mental health, especially dysthymia.

But first, it’s important to understand how you arrived at your current state and the road to positive resiliency.

Grit: The Past’s Prescription

A problem is that society’s response to men’s mental health struggles is entirely narcissistic. Instead of empathizing and attempting to help, men are shamed for appearing “weak”. This “cultural gaslighting” makes men’s health concerns negated or diminished by responding as if it was their fault.

Cook goes on to report that “there seems to be common societal and cultural stigmas that keep most men from seeking help.” Some of these include:

“The only feeling society allows men to have without judging or shaming them is anger. The problem is anger is a superficial emotion that hides what someone is really experiencing,” says Cook.

Winter Blues

This emotional teetering on the edge of hope and hopelessness from dysthymia is made worse by the gloomy winter months. In most parts of North America, the winter season brings the frigid cold that keeps men inside and isolated. This makes important social interaction difficult, if not impossible.

Worse, the lack of sunlight translates into a lack of vitamin D which regulates moods and circadian rhythms for sleep quality. This vitamin D deficiency can lead to a negative spiral of moodiness and insomnia if left untreated over long periods of time. This can lead to even greater negative consequences of untreated dysthymia.

Unregulated Blood Sugar

Poor diet is another potential trigger to spin into a negative spiral of dysthymia.

As the effects of dysthymia start to darken the person’s positive moods and feelings of motivation and empowerment begin to decline. This can lead a person to seek out comfort foods that are like pouring gasoline on a fire.

As these foods enter the bloodstream, they can cause spikes in blood sugar as the body breaks them down. While they give temporary relief from the low-quality feelings caused by dysthymia, the blood sugar crash that follows can compound the gray feelings an individual is experiencing and make them feel much darker.

Taking Back Control

“The first thing you have to do is identify the triggers that are starting off your feelings of helplessness and hopelessness,” explains Dr. Cook. “Once you’ve identified potential ‘leaks’ then you can get to work to plug them.”

Start with your diet by trading in processed food for a more balanced meal. As your blood sugar balances out then your moods should follow as well.

To counteract lack of sunlight, start taking vitamin D supplements at 10,000 IU then notice your moods. Consider scaling up to 50,000 IU by adding an additional 5,000 IU to 10,000 every two weeks till your outlook begins to improve.

Start exercising daily. Start out walking a couple of thousands of steps and build up to 10,000 steps daily. The body needs a certain amount of movement each day to optimize its health and 10,000 steps daily is the minimum to help it. Not everyone can get to a gym but if you can’t go outside or to a gym then consider getting a treadmill.

Also, get outside as much as you can, especially when the sun does appear. Sunlight helps your body sync its circadian rhythms which is vital for sleep. Plus, as soon as sunlight hits your skin then your body starts producing melatonin, which aids in sleep. The most important thing you can do to fight off dysthymia is getting quality rest and sleep each night.

For stress, do a personal inventory for triggers and areas of stress in your life. If your co-workers start drama, then look to limit your time with them. If you and your roommate are no longer compatible then it might be better for you both to make other arrangements. If you and your spouse or partner are fighting a lot then consider getting counseling to get past it. Bottom line: stress is an enemy to positive well-being so be vigilant about it and stop it at its source.

Bottom Line

For men experiencing dysthymia, it can be easy to fall into negative thoughts and feelings.

Dr. Cook explains that, “A warning sign that you could slip into a dysthymic episode is if you are feeling unfulfilled, irritable, and ‘over it’, in more than one of the main areas of your life. It’s beyond difficult to find joy or happiness in life when everywhere you turn you feel or experience disappointment and frustration.”

With dysthymia, the condition can be confirmed by two years of persistent symptoms which makes it critical that you develop self-awareness about the symptoms. If not, then the danger is that maybe you’ve been experiencing these types of negative feelings for so long that they’ve become “familiar friends” and you risk personifying them as part of your identity.

By being aware of the warning signs and taking action, you will be in a better position to elevate your life experience and build a more powerful future.

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You eat a sandwich for lunch. A couple of hours later, you have a headache. You may not think those two events are related, but they very well could be if you have a food intolerance.

“Symptoms of food intolerances are common and vague, so we think these symptoms are normal results of our busy lives,” says Kelsey Mauro, functional medicine gut health consultant.

RELATED: What Is Intuitive Eating?

Food Allergy Versus Intolerance

To add to the confusion, people often mix up food allergies and intolerances. They do overlap in terms of symptoms. However, a true food allergy affects the immune system and can be life-threatening. It also tends to cause immediate reactions.

A food intolerance mainly affects the digestive system and causes less severe symptoms. You may even be able to tolerate the offending food in smaller doses. And symptoms can appear hours or days after eating. “It's common for people with food intolerances to experience symptoms hours or even days after the trigger food is consumed, making it even more challenging to identify the culprit,” says Dr. Gabriela Rodríguez Ruiz, a board-certified bariatric surgeon at VIDA Wellness and Beauty.

Food intolerances are pretty common. For example, a survey conducted by Agri-Food Analytics Lab, Food Allergy Canada in partnership with Caddle revealed that more than seven million Canadians suffer from food intolerances. Rodríguez Ruiz says that this is likely due to a combination of factors, including processed food-heavy diets and exposure to environmental toxins, as well as a rise in digestive issues such as leaky gut syndrome.

According to her, the most common food intolerances are lactose (found in dairy), gluten (found in wheat, barley and rye) and FODMAPs (fermentable carbohydrates found in certain fruits, vegetables, grains and dairy). If you have a food intolerance, it’s usually because you lack the digestive enzyme needed to digest a certain food. But conditions such as irritable bowel syndrome can also cause intolerances.

What Are the Signs You May Have a Food Intolerance?

“Subtle signs of food intolerance include bloating, diarrhea, unexplained fatigue, brain fog, skin rashes, headaches, abdominal pain or acid reflux,” says Mauro. Below is more information about five subtle signs — not the usual upset stomach — that are easy to miss but could signal a food intolerance.

Headaches

Research has shown a correlation between food intolerances and chronic migraines. MSG (monosodium glutamate), a food additive known for its use in Chinese restaurants, frequently causes migraines in those who have a sensitivity to it. According to WebMD, MSG headaches can come with symptoms such as pain on both sides of your head, face flushing and dizziness — and get worse when you’re active.

Skin Issues

That acne breakout could be caused by what you’re eating. Sneaky offenders include refined grains and sugar, dairy, and chocolate, according to Healthline. Studies have also shown a link between the consumption of whey protein and acne, so that’s something to keep in mind if you consume protein powder on a regular basis.

Fatigue and Brain Fog

Feeling tired all the time for no good reason? It could be a subtle sign of a food intolerance. When you constantly consume a food that your body has trouble digesting, your body has to work harder to process it. This is taxing and can lead to feelings of grogginess.

Brain fog is something to look out for too. In a Beyond Celiac study, 90% of survey participants with celiac disease and non-celiac gluten sensitivity reported experiencing brain fog.

Joint Pain

Inflammation in the body can translate into joint pain. And food intolerances can create inflammation. The University of York conducted a survey to assess the benefits of elimination diets and 64% of the people who suffered from musculoskeletal symptoms such as joint pain felt better when removing “trigger foods” from their diets.

Depression and Anxiety

You may be shocked to read this, but mental health struggles are sometimes driven by food intolerances. Studies have shown the association between chronic low-grade inflammation and depression.

Additionally, researchers have been exploring the relationship between the gut and brain for years, revealing that poor gut health can lead to decreased mental well-being. Since having a food intolerance can wreak havoc on your gut, it makes sense that it also can affect your mental health.

What Should You Do if You Suspect You Have a Food Intolerance?

You recognize yourself in the symptoms above — now what? First, it’s important to rule out other conditions and consult a medical professional. If you suspect a food intolerance, testing or an elimination diet to identify the trigger(s) may be recommended by your doctor. Keeping a food log and tracking your symptoms for a few weeks can also be a helpful strategy to figure out what is causing your reactions.

Whatever you do, don’t go on a super strict diet that cuts out entire food groups. It can lead to malnutrition. And it will also make it harder to isolate the source of your discomfort. “Also, just because something is a common intolerance does not mean everyone needs to avoid it. Every person's body is unique and what triggers symptoms for one may not have any impact on another,” says Rodríguez Ruiz.

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If there’s one word that’s overused in the wellness realm, it’s “detox.” But there’s only one treatment that’s specifically designed to flush out toxins, and that’s lymphatic drainage massage. Experts say this trendy service suddenly attracted a lot of attention in 2022, and it shows no signs of slowing down. Not only does it promise to reduce swelling and puffiness, giving you a more toned appearance, but it also has a slew of other health perks as well. So, what exactly is lymphatic drainage massage? And does it live up to the hype?

Our organs have incredible mechanisms for flushing out waste — even when you’re just breathing or sweating, your body is getting rid of toxins. Without a doubt, though, the lymphatic system is a workhorse in this regard: as the body’s sewerage system, it moves fluid from the tissues into the blood circulation, and gets rid of waste produced by cells along the way. When that system isn’t working properly, you can experience all kinds of unpleasant symptoms — like bloating, constipation, and fatigue. That’s where lymphatic drainage massage comes in.

“Lymphatic Drainage has become so popular these days that if you search the hashtag on TikTok you’ll find over 375 million views,” says Christina Gallardo, Director of Marketing and Advertising at G2O Spa + Salon. “We’re in a time where detoxifying our bodies and staying healthy is a huge focus for people, and one major way to do that is to maintain and boost our lymphatic system.”

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With all that in mind, read on for more insight into how lymphatic drainage massage works — and what benefits to expect from this sought-after treatment.

How Does Lymphatic Drainage Massage Work?

Andrea G. Arcari, owner of The CLT Method, is a trailblazer in bringing innovative, cutting-edge wellness and aesthetic treatments to Boston. Lymphatic drainage massage happens to be one of her specialties — and while it seems the rest of the world only caught on to the benefits of this service, she’s been singing its praises for a while now.

“Your lymphatic system is responsible for ridding the body of toxins, excess fluid, bacteria, fat and metabolic waste, yet it doesn’t have a pump,” Arcari explains.

That means when this system is impaired, lymph fluid can start to back up — leading to fatigue and lethargy, inflammation and swelling, and much more.

“Lymphatic drainage massage aims to act as a manual pump to disrupt clogged lymph nodes, improve lymphatic circulation and manually pump excess fluid,” explains Robin Liu, a registered massage therapist with Brentwood Physio.

Essentially, lymphatic drainage massage is aimed at gently encouraging lymph fluid to move more freely, so it can carry waste products back into the bloodstream. From there, the liver and kidneys kick into gear and help flush it all out of your system.

What Are the Benefits of Lymphatic Drainage Massage?

Whether you’re looking to improve your overall health or seeking to see more results from all that hard work you’re putting in at the gym, lymphatic drainage massage comes with a long laundry list of potential perks. According to Arcari, those include:

Lymphatic drainage massage involves a deeper touch that creates a "sculpting" effect. For that reason alone, Arcari says men often come in before their bachelor parties and weddings, or while jump-starting their weight loss journey.

She notes that athletes also love the service because it helps ward off muscle soreness and improve mobility while also giving them more visible results from their training.

“One of the benefits our male clients love is that it really moves the lactic acid that is built up from working out so that they can recover faster from a workout and see more definition in their muscles,” Arcari explains.

Who’s a Good Candidate for Lymphatic Drainage Massage (and Who Isn’t)?

The most obvious sign that your lymphatic system might not be functioning properly is swelling in your extremities, according to Liu.

Arcari recommends considering lymphatic drainage massage if you’re:

Your body is detoxing for 72 hours after a lymphatic drainage massage, so Arcarai says you can expect a nice immune system boost within the first three days of getting one.

“If you had surgery recently or even a scar you are trying to eliminate, this can speed up your recovery and boost circulation in the area,” she adds.

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Liu notes that lymphatic drainage massage is also great for reducing swelling in people who have rheumatoid arthritis, chronic venous insufficiency, lymphedema, and fibromyalgia.

Lymphatic drainage massage is appropriate for most people — but Arcari recommends avoiding it if you have a history of heart disease or other cardiac issues, a malignant tumor, or acute inflammation. You may also not be a good candidate if you’re suffering from kidney failure or a blood clot, says Liu.

What Should You Expect From Lymphatic Drainage Massage?

How long the treatment lasts depends on where you get it, but for the most part, Liu says lymphatic drainage massage is about an hour long. Arcari offers two options for lymphatic drainage massage depending on your needs: a 50-minute session for just your body, and an 80-minute session for your body and face.

“You can expect to experience something between a deep tissue massage and a body sculpting treatment,” says Arcari.

Liu notes that there needs to be enough pressure to encourage the release of fluid. “Lymph nodes around the groin can be a little bit more sensitive,” she adds. “For individuals with swelling in the lower extremities, we want to encourage the fluid to ‘drain up’ towards your heart. This will require some pressure in areas surrounding the groin.”

You can also target specific concerns with lymphatic drainage massage. For example, if you’re experiencing a lot of bloating and puffiness around your stomach, the provider can tailor the session to spend a little extra time working on that area.

How Often Should You Get a Lymphatic Drainage Massage?

Without a doubt, the best part about lymphatic drainage massage is that clients can expect to see immediate results.

“This is because we are manually manipulating the system to push toxins, bacteria, metabolic waste, and excess fluid that is hanging out beneath the surface toward your lymph nodes for you to then excrete,” explains Arcari.

However, according to Liu, maximizing your results usually takes 2-4 weeks with multiple sessions.

“In an ideal world, you’d get a lymphatic drainage massage every two weeks,” says Arcari. “But most of our clients add it to their wellness routine once a month and love the definition they now see in their muscles and the energy and health benefits they enjoy as a result.”

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For many men, being a good lover has a significant connection to feeling masculine. 

As the thinking goes, being able to send your partner into overwhelming paroxysms of sexual ecstasy is a sign that you’re for real, tough, and can’t be made fun of by your peers. 

On the flip side, if you struggle to please your partner, how manly can you really be? 

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While there are many reasons to aspire to being great in bed, the notion that any man experiencing sexual dysfunction is somehow less than in any way is deeply problematic. One of the main instances that has guys feeling insecure or unimpressive sexually is when they experience premature ejaculation. 

Unfortunately, most guys don’t necessarily understand what P.E. is or how it functions, since it’s not typically something that’s covered in sex education in any kind of depth. 

In order to get a clearer picture of premature ejaculation and how it functions, AskMen spoke to several sex experts in hopes they’ll debunk some of the more common myths when it comes to finishing earlier than expected.

What Is Premature Ejaculation?

In order to debunk any myths about premature ejaculation, it’s important first to understand what, exactly, it is.

If you’re looking for a specific number of seconds or minutes, however, that’s now exactly how it works. P.E. isn’t a question of how long you last — it’s a question of how long you last as compared to your own expectations.

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“Premature ejaculation is when the man ejaculates before he or his partner would like,” says Tami Rose of Romantic Adventures.

For many people, the perception is that P.E. occurs during penetrative sex, often vaginal, but that doesn’t need to be the case. 

“Originally it was defined by intercourse, but it is now more widely seen as any sexual activity,” says SKYN Condoms’ sex and intimacy expert and author Gigi Engle. “It can either be a lifelong condition — meaning it's an ongoing condition. Or it can be acquired, meaning it is a new condition.”

Either way, it counts as premature ejaculation if it only happens once, but it’s typically not something to be concerned about unless it’s occurring consistently. Essentially, if you always ejaculate after 15 seconds of penetration when your partner wants you to last half an hour, consider that premature ejaculation. If on one occasion, you ejaculate after six minutes of oral sex when you wanted to last for 12, that’s also P.E. 

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It’s really a question of whether it’s impacting your sexual happiness or not. If you typically cum after three or four minutes, but both you and your partner are happy with it, P.E. wouldn’t be the proper label.

What Causes Premature Ejaculation? 

Unfortunately, there isn’t one easy answer to what causes premature ejaculation.

“The exact cause [...] is unknown, with little data to effectively support the most known biological and psychological hypotheses, including anxiety and penile hypersensitivity,” says Shadeen Francis, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in sex therapy and social justice. “It may be most reasonable to say that the cause varies by person and by circumstance (for example, substance use, history of early ejaculation, health, sexual habits).”

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But before you can understand how P.E. happens, it’s important to first understand how ejaculation works, period.

“Ejaculation happens when the muscles at the base of the penis contract, but the signal to contract is delivered by the central nervous system,” explains Rose. “So you have to figure out if it is a software problem (emotional stimulus), a hardware problem (muscle strength or weakness), or an electrical problem (nervous system misfire or miscommunication).”

Premature Ejaculation Myths, Debunked

MYTH: Not Many Guys Experience P.E. 

“The biggest myth about premature ejaculation is that it's not a common thing that happens,” says Engle. On the contrary, she notes that “it's extremely common and most men will deal with it at some point in their lives.”

Francis agrees, adding that “premature ejaculation is the most common sexual concern among men.” In addition to a majority of men experiencing it at some point or other, “up to 25% of men experience it consistently.”

If you feel like you’re the only one, know that that’s far from the case. A big reason you’ve never heard your buddies admit to this kind of thing is because there’s this pre-existing shame around it, not because they’ve never had the experience! 

MYTH: P.E. Is Due to Low Testosterone

The relationship between testosterone levels and a man’s ability to conform to various masculine ideals is one that’s often the source of misinformation, and that’s no different in the case of premature ejaculation.

“The most common myth I have heard about premature ejaculation is that it is a sign of low testosterone,” says Francis. “This myth likely was birthed out of cis-sexist, shame-based messages about maleness and masculinity being connected to ‘lasting in bed.’ However, there is no link between testosterone and premature ejaculation (or masculinity, for that matter).”

RELATED: The Link Between Testosterone and Masculinity

MYTH: P.E. Is All in Your Head

On the flip side, some people believe premature ejaculation issues have no purely physical component at all — but that isn’t true either. 

“Sometimes, P.E. is a psychological issue (including sexual abuse, poor body image, depression, worrying about PE, and guilty feelings that cause you to rush through sex), but often folks with PE have an over-sensitive penis head, which creates a ‘low ejaculatory threshold,’” says Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT, a relationship expert and psychotherapist. “Additionally, irregular hormone levels, irregular levels of brain chemicals, and/or swelling and infection of the prostate or urethra.”

MYTH: If You Can’t Last as Long as a Porn Star, You Have P.E. 

With premature ejaculation being a question of perception, not of time, it’s something that’s changeable according to how long you think you should be lasting in bed. And one issue there is mainstream porn’s depiction of actors who last much, much longer than average. 

“Pornography has made a huge impact on what people think sex should look like,” says Amy Baldwin, sex educator and co-host of the “Shameless Sex” podcast. “While pornography is great for entertainment, it can be rather harmful as a sex educator. Porn stars are trained to postpone ejaculation for long periods of time as part of their job.”

RELATED: Why Porn Is a Horrible Form of Sex Ed

That’s not to say that you couldn’t also last that long, but just that if you don’t, it’s not a sign that there’s anything wrong with you. 

“There is no universal desired duration of sex, but the average is 5.4 minutes,” adds sexologist Dr. Jess O’Reilly, co-host of Last Longer In Bed: 6 Steps to Master Premature Ejaculation. “This means that 3 minutes and 7 minutes are also within the range of normal. Those who have sex for longer periods of time often stop, slow down, change things up and don’t spend the whole time thrusting.”

MYTH: It’s Impossible to Cure P.E.

If your experiences with sex involve frustration from wondering why you keep cumming before you (or your partner) wanted it, it can feel daunting. However, it’s not something that’s etched in stone. Meaning, if your P.E. is psychological in nature, it is possible to improve the situation.

“There are practices available to make the desired shifts,” suggests Baldwin. “Ejaculatory control issues are usually a mental barrier/looping pattern rather than a physiological dilemma. The way to get ‘unstuck’ is to start practicing slow, mindful masturbation with no goals (orgasm) and complete presence for all of the body’s sensations, thoughts and experiences. The penis owner can set a timer for 10-20 minutes and slowly self pleasure without toys or porn, and if/when they feel like they are getting close to orgasm then they stop or slow down while taking long deep breaths.”

RELATED: How to Increase Your Stamina in Bed

Baldwin continues, noting that an orgasm can occur when “the timer goes off, but the key is to learn to stay in-tune with the body while riding the pleasure wave a couple notches below the point of orgasm for an extended period of time.” 

“They are reprogramming/retraining their body. It is 100% doable for most folks, but it takes a lot of time, patience and dedication,” she adds.

MYTH: P.E. Can Be Cured With Viagra

According to Francis, some people try to approach their P.E. with medication that’s designed to combat an entirely different issue — erectile dysfunction. 

“A lot of folks take Viagra as a DIY solution, but this is not a great idea,” states Francis. “Not only is it usually ineffective, it also furthers the experience of people feeling out of relationship with their penis. If you are struggling with the timing of your ejaculation, please consider working with a sex therapist and making an appointment with a urologist who is experienced with sexual concerns.”

MYTH: Alcohol Can Help Reduce P.E.

There’s a certain logic at play here — alcohol can function as a numbing agent, which you’d think would help in situations where you’re overly physically sensitive. But that’s not quite how it works, says Abbas Kanani, superintendent pharmacist for Chemist Click.

“Excess drinking or smoking can contribute to the rise of premature ejaculation instances in men,” he explains. “Drinking can interfere with signals between the brain and the genitals, which may lead to men ejaculating too quickly. Excessive consumption of alcohol has been shown to inhibit testosterone production in the testes and also constrict the blood vessels in the penis, leading to erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation issues.”

MYTH: P.E. Lessens With Age

Premature ejaculation is, culturally speaking, something we often associate with those on the younger, less-experienced side of things — the implication being that it should go away naturally as you get older and more sexually experienced.

In fact, according to sexologist Tanya Bass, that’s not exactly the case. Many guys, she notes, “may experience a change in ejaculation due to age and the accompanied physiological changes in the body,” but that’s not strictly speaking an age thing.

“Changes can be due to various health conditions or side effects from medications,” adds Bass.

In fact, counter to the stereotype, she clarifies that “many studies indicate that older men are more likely to experience premature ejaculation due to comorbidities such as cardiovascular risk factors.”

MYTH: Sex Toys Can Fix P.E. 

“From my perspective in the male toys field, there are a lot of supposed cures offered for P.E. that I think consumers should be wary of,” says Brian Sloan, inventor of the Autoblow toys. “The FDA classifies P.E. as a medical problem and many toys that offer claims of curing P.E. are actually making those claims without any scientific basis.” 

Sloan notes that some sex toys are marketed as devices you can use to “‘practice’ lasting longer, but the reality is that many men with P.E. can last as long as they want by themselves and the problem shows itself only during partner play.”

“Sex toys may be fun to play with,” states Sloan, “and some men may benefit from using them to address their P.E. problems, but it's probably best for men to tell their doctor what they are experiencing and go from there.”

MYTH: You Can’t Be a Good Lover If You Experience P.E. 

At the end of the day, ejaculating sooner than you want to can be a humbling experience. Consider it a reminder that our bodies are not completely under our control, often acting in ways we don’t like. But if you’re consistently ejaculating after not much sexual contact, that doesn’t by any means mean you can’t be great in bed.  

Lots of guys — perhaps because this is what they see in porn — believe that the key to being a sex god is hours of pounding with a giant, rock-hard erection, but there’s very little truth to that. 

“Many (non-porn performer) vulva-owners generally don’t want consistent thrusting/penetration for the extended period of time porn portrays,” says Baldwin. “Sure, it serves a time and place. But vulva-owners like all kinds of touch that do not have to involve a hard penis thrusting in and out.”

RELATED: Why Every Guy Should Master Non-Penetrative Sex

Although some may enjoy that kind of intense, long-lasting penetration, most people — whatever their gender — also appreciate other things in bed. Getting good at pleasing your partner with your mouth, your hands, and various sex toys can massively unlock your sexual potential without your penis ever coming into contact with them.

People “often like the soft touch of mouths and tongues, or the precision touch of fingers and hands,” says Baldwin. “Society often puts too much emphasis on the performance of the penis during penetrative sex.”

When you let penetration be just a portion of sex rather than the primary focus, ejaculating after only a few minutes doesn’t mean that the varying levels of pleasure have to necessarily stop, too.

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Str8Curious is a monthly AskMen column where out and proud lifestyle expert Joey Skladany answers burning questions from heterosexual men about sex, dating, and the LGBTQ+ community. No topic is off limits as he candidly lends advice, debunks stereotypes, and gives it to you straight — err — gay. Should you be interested in submitting a question for editorial consideration (and we will respect anonymity), feel free to ping Joey directly on Instagram or email him at joeyskladanywrites@gmail.com).

The Question

One of my good friends came out a couple years ago and just drunkenly admitted that he’s had a bit of a crush on me. I totally accept him and want to remain friends, but I’m straight and not interested. How do I react without hurting his feelings? - David, Albuquerque, NM

The Answer

So a gay guy’s got a crush on you? Congratulations! You haven’t grossed him out enough with your straight boy ways to completely rid his desire to have sex with you.

Joking aside, knowing that a good friend — regardless of gender — has a romantic interest in you may feel quite uncomfortable. But I can assure you, at least from a gay person’s perspective, that you should take it as a compliment.

We often hear over and over again “I’m cool with you being gay, but please don’t hit on me” from straight men who can best be described as Uncle Fester’s pleated khaki-wearing brother. Just because someone is gay, it doesn’t mean that they want to have sex with everyone who shares the same gender. In fact, gay men are notoriously picky and maintain the same unrealistic standards they place upon themselves when it comes to romantic interests. (That means the bootcut pant and Hanes boxer combo really isn’t doing it for us, sorry to say.)

“Turning” a straight guy is, however, a common fantasy and there is something quite titillating (minus the tit part) about hooking up with a guy who’s a little curious. But if the crush is innocent and playful, you absolutely have nothing to worry about. And you should be able to maintain a genuine friendship with mutual respect and boundaries.

So how should you handle this situation to avoid jeopardizing the relationship you’ve already established?

1. Be honest

We homos love a bit of candor. And sometimes we love it a little too much. It works to our benefit during convos with girlfriends, like ”absolutely do not wear that Coach wristlet or those Tory Burch flats” or “dump his ass immediately for taking you to a dive bar and ordering you a Miller Lite,” and many of us grew up being bullied, so we’ve developed a thick skin and can tolerate rejection. Treat the situation like it’s a good girlfriend who crushes on you, but you have no romantic interest in her. You’d likely be flattered, but also want to let her down easy.

2. Tune in to how you feel

If the idea of being with another guy conjures an extremely negative and repulsed reaction, it may be time to address some deeper rooted homophobia. Again, having a gay friend who is crushing on you does not mean you’re going to wake up in the middle of the night with a dick in your mouth. It is not a reflection of your masculinity (or lack thereof) or the fact that you may project an air of “gayness.” We simply like nice things and you happen to be one of them. You’re welcome.

3. Set boundaries

In rare instances, a gay will be annoyingly relentless in his advances and that aforementioned discomfort is more than warranted. Nobody — male, female, and everyone in between — should say or do something sexually without your consent. If at any time you feel like flirting has evolved into full-fledged harassment, then stop it in its tracks immediately so that your friend fully gets the hint. If he doesn’t, it’s time to cut him off completely.

RELATED: The Dos and Don'ts of Setting Healthy Boundaries

Every situation is different since we’re all unique and complex in personality, social interaction, and friendship dynamics, so you’ll ultimately know what’s best for the both of you. Trust your gut and understand that if he is a good person, he will not pressure you to cave in any way. And then you can be BFFs until the end of time, even if he does force you to watch RuPaul’s Drag Race (which you know you secretly love).

Or just go for it. Life is short and you should try everything once. Kidding (kind of). [Insert purple devil emoji.]

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Have you seen them yet? Or rather, have you heard them yet?

ASMR porn videos, that is.

If that doesn’t ring a bell, it’s also called “whisper porn” by some. They’re a fascinating new trend in pornography that combines contemporary porn trends, the power of spoken-word erotica, and a fascinating new discovery in brain science.

In order to better understand the appeal of ASMR porn, how it works and more, AskMen spoke to some content creators and erotic audio purveyors about the appeal and experience of erotic ASMR, as well as how to whisper your way to pleasure.

What Is ASMR?

Before exploring what ASMR porn is, it’s important to establish what ASMR itself is.

ASMR is short for autonomous sensory meridian response — which is a scientific way of describing the pleasurable, yet relaxing “tingles” that tend to envelope your head and travel down your neck or back.

If you’ve ever gotten “goosebumps” or “chills” from a scene in a movie or book — or even from listening to a speech that really resonates, ASMR is a similar kind of experience.

The difference is, ASMR usually induces relaxation instead of anticipation, and because of this, ASMR has become widely regarded by fans as a tool to encourage sleep — or even help ease anxiety by simulating a feeling of connection and being cared for.

Healthline.com notes that it’s often associated with sounds like whispering, blowing, tapping, scratching and crinkling, and often videos using ASMR techniques will feature performers speaking very closely into microphones or rubbing objects on them in order to produce certain sound effects.

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Emerging research about the benefits of ASMR is definitely promising. Still, there’s so much we still don’t understand about ASMR — especially why some people don’t experience it, as well as why the “tingles” or what triggers them can vary from person to person.

However, if your mind and ears are open to exploration, ASMR can also amp up your single or coupled sex life in some surprising ways… as fans have discovered.

How Is ASMR Porn Different From Regular Porn?

There’s a long history of erotic material that’s more focused on audio than visuals, but ASMR isn’t just about hearing your porn — it’s about what, exactly, you’re hearing.

“There is truly something for everyone when it comes to erotic audio — that’s the wonderful thing about it being so personal and customizable,” says Jaimee Bell, a producer at erotic audio platform BLOOM. “Erotic audio stories (with or without ASMR techniques) can improve your sexual experience in a variety of different ways.”

“People gravitate towards erotic audio content because it’s a truly immersive experience that puts you right in the middle of the action while also letting you experience pleasure on your own terms,” Bell says. “Erotic audio content can do something other forms of storytelling can’t. It can allow the listener to ‘fill in the blanks’ to a certain extent.”

So, “when you add ASMR elements and spatial audio techniques to good storytelling,” Bell says, whisper porn can produce  “a super realistic experience.”

In other words, whisper porn allows you to viscerally experience any number of hot fantasies, with no partner or hassles required, while the ASMR techniques produce their own strangely pleasing effect on your brain.

You want your “girlfriend” to whisper in your ear while she unzips you? Done. You want to experience the ins and outs of a threesome without hassle or risk? It’s totally doable in print — but made even more believable and pleasurable as your brain and ears engage and as you feel the odd ASMR tingles come over you.

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And if you’re thinking “but most erotica out there seems like it’s geared towards women,” well, you wouldn’t be wrong — but there’s also no reason for men to feel left out either. As we hear from content creators below, “aural delights” exist for adults of all genders and sexual orientations.

What Is ASMR Porn Like?

Because it’s still a relatively new concept, you might not realize just how much ASMR porn there is out there.

According to Angie Rowntree, founder of Sssh.com, “We have always offered erotic audio stories on Sssh — but since mainstream ASMR exploded in popularity these last few years, we’ve seen a 30% increase in member requests for stories with ASMR elements and for more erotic audio content in general. Fans still seek out regular adult films, but obviously they find the experience of audio erotica powerful enough to where this is really growing as a niche.”

Part of its success has to be due to the high quality of the experience. Creators who make erotic ASMR content are adept at not only providing tingle-inducing whispers and mouth-sounds, but also at setting up the scene and conveying the intent, and with no cameras, lighting or make-up to worry about, the barrier for entry is relatively low.

Another part of its success may be that it can fulfill different roles for different people.

“The benefits of erotic ASMR differ from person to person,” says ASMR Maddy, who creates both SFW ASMR on YouTube and NSFW ASMR on Pornhub. “Some people may use it to feel a deeper, more intimate connection to the performer, almost like a girlfriend experience,” she says. “Others may use it strictly as a tool to orgasm and go to sleep. Neither way is wrong!”

She adds: “I definitely look at the erotic ASMR as a tool to orgasm and then fall asleep, while I look at the SFW ASMR as a "white noise" effect for sleep. Both work for different people. My erotic videos are often produced with the intent to make the viewer [climax]; I have yet to hear anyone tell me they use them for something different…”

Once the set-up is aced, erotic ASMR (like mainstream ASMR) aspires to make the audience feel a sense of personal connection.

“There are certain things that really connect with the listener, such as words or sounds that instantly cause that shiver of arousal,” says John Eros of PleasureTorture.com, which creates both erotic ASMR and guided masturbation content.

He explains: “Saying things like 'Good girl,' along with suction sounds are things that would be more commonly heard in the bedroom in person — so hearing them in the audios can instantly create a sense of intimacy for the listener.”

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As to what the common “triggers” are for erotic ASMR, it seems these really run the gamut depending on the target audience and their fantasy.

ASMR Maddy says, “The most common request I get [for my adult ASMR content] is for JOI (jerk off instruction). People love when I do those videos! I don't know if it's my soft voice or calm demeanor, but they seem to like it.”

Maddy adds that she also gets plenty of requests for scenarios involving feet or stepmom/stepsister roleplay: “I really try to cater to the most common fetishes.”

Bell notes that the raw, sensual power of sound itself can’t be ignored, though: “Of course, listening to your new boyfriend talk about how he wants to dominate you is fun, but when you add in audio techniques that make it sound like he’s moving from one side to the other, whispering in your ear and then standing in front of you, then it becomes a lot more realistic and arousing.”

Eros echoes Bell’s sentiments, adding: “The sound of sensual moaning is such a universal trigger because it really helps paint the scenario where men and women alike can fill in the blanks on what is causing that reaction.”

How to Introduce Erotic ASMR Into Your Relationship

 Watching porn as a couple can be a lot of fun — or totally awkward. But what about listening to porn together? Or simply replicating the experience of ASMR porn by providing your partner with a real-life ASMR JOI experience?

 Once again, Eros takes us back to the idea of “intent.” He explains: “What makes great whisper porn is also what makes a great sexual partner — the intent. That same desire a guy has for pleasuring their partner can be brought out in the bedroom by simply describing what you want to do to them, or what you want to see happen to them. Knowing someone lusts for you it so erotic, so gratifying. Using this knowledge, being able to whisper your erotic thoughts to them helps engage their imagination just as much as touching them does.”

However, “With no intent, passion, or desire, it's more like a list of actions,” Eros adds, “so you've got to speak as if the words themselves are all that you have at your disposal to get your partner off.”

Feeling tongue-tied? No worries. ASMR Maddy says that as long as you and your partner are both on the same page, “Watching erotic ASMR for inspiration and then trying it on each other would be super hot!”

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Last year, BLOOM even teamed up with sex tech giant Lovense to allow their users to sync Lovense-compatible toys with stories and pleasure guides; so even if you or your partner are “ASMR immune,” the right toy in the right spot can bring about that happy ending.

As more erotic audio content and ASMR appears on porn sites known primarily for video content, it’s not surprising that competition in the audio-only arena is growing too, with the rise of other adult story platforms such as Dipsea, Vibease, and Quinn.

Whatever your intent is, and whether you “tingle” or not, it’s hard to argue with having yet another tool to explore your sexuality and take your fantasies up a notch. Whisper those fantasies in your partner’s ear…and you might be waking the neighbors tonight.

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Breakups are often messy, so you don’t want to make things worse by becoming a problematic ex. Before you brush off that possibility, consider that heartbreak can cloud your judgment and make you behave in ways that you’re not proud of. A study even showed that romantic rejection activates the same areas of your brain as cocaine cravings.

“What makes an ex enact problematic behaviors is typically an unresolved emotional connection with the partner,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Boone Christianson. “Their self-esteem is dependent on the partner. They haven't processed the emotions of the separation and built a life independently of the partner's influence.”

“Such behaviors tend to cause trouble and disrupt the healing journey,” adds Callisto Adams, Ph.D., a certified dating and relationship expert and contributor at HeTexted.

RELATED: How to Break Up With Someone Nicely

To avoid slipping into toxic territory, here are some examples of problematic behaviors to avoid and steps to take to cope with your breakup in constructive ways.

How Problematic Exes Behave

Christianson says that toxic exes often have a tendency to perceive misunderstandings as personal attacks or deliberately create misunderstandings. Perhaps you’re craving attention from your ex and initiating a fight helps you get it. Maybe you are holding on to their stuff on purpose to have an excuse to see them again. You may take everything your ex says and does personally. Neither of those tendencies is healthy.

You’ll also want to watch out for the urge to punish your ex. Even passive-aggressive statements can be problematic, says Christianson. And yes, constantly posting cryptic-but-not-that-subtle quotes on social media counts. “Posting things such as pictures or quotes about relationships that negatively portray your ex (even if it’s indirect) can take a toll on their mental well-being,” according to Adams.

Problematic exes can also turn into stalkers. More than 60% of female survivors of stalking and 44% of male survivors of stalking reported that the person stalking them was a current or former partner, according to the CDC. You may be thinking, “I am not a stalker.” But contacting your ex non-stop is problematic. According to Safe Horizons, common stalking behaviors include repeated calls, text messages, emails or social media posts.

“Constant texts or calls, not considering or listening to what the other is asking or needing, going around one’s social media despite their requests not to, stalking, and reaching out to the ex’s new partner are just a few examples of problematic behavior as an ex,” according to Adams.

What to Do If You Recognize Yourself In Those Behaviors

If you recognize yourself in any of the behaviors outlined above, don’t beat yourself up — but do use that awareness as an insight that can drive what you do next.

“If you are the one perpetrating these behaviors, you must recognize them to decide what you want to do with them. Being aware of the behaviors will help you identify the emotions driving them and the work you will need to do to resolve those,” says Christianson.

Don’t beat yourself up. Toxic people rarely admit they have a problem, so recognizing that you need to change the way you engage with your ex is a huge first step in the right direction.

“If someone is starting to gain some awareness, I would say that there is no shame in this kind of behavior. It’s perfectly understandable given the kind of relationship trauma this person experienced, both during the last relationship and before, likely in their family of origin,” adds Christianson. “Start by gaining compassion for where you are at, then work to change the behaviors you don’t want in your life by processing the painful emotions driving them. A good therapist can help with that.”

If your ex has expressed that they don’t want to stay in contact with you, it’s crucial to respect their wishes, even if it hurts and you miss them.

“If, despite your ex’s attempts to let you know they need space, you’re still reaching out to them (even if done randomly), you might want to retreat and consider the weight of your actions,” says Adams. As she puts it, “refrain from disrupting your ex’s healing journey.”

Whether the breakup was your choice or not and whether it ended on a good or bad note, both you and your ex must undertake individual healing journeys moving forward. Remember that getting over someone is very much like grief — it’s not a linear process, and you may go through ups and downs before reaching a place of acceptance.

The important thing is to keep holding space for your emotions in healthy ways instead of trying to avoid the pain by projecting behaviors onto your ex.

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Have you ever seen a commercial, or a scene in a movie or TV show, where a guy gets made fun of for not knowing how to do basic household chores? Or maybe you’ve seen a viral post on the subject.

These days, TikTok is full of videos of wives making fun of their husbands for their inability to do seemingly simple tasks such as putting leftovers in the fridge or loading the dishwasher.

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Depending on your point of view, this stuff may seem relatable and lighthearted, or annoying and unfunny. But few people realize that there’s a complex dynamic lurking under the surface of men’s tendency not to engage in housework. Ultimately, that sort of behavior can reveal a subtle yet toxic relationship habit called weaponized incompetence.

AskMen spoke to a couple of experts in order to find out more about the ways this can impact romantic relationships — and how you can protect yours against it. Here’s what you need to know about it:

What Is Weaponized Incompetence?

Basically, weaponized incompetence is the idea of pretending not to know how to do a task to get out of it.

It can look like doing a bad job on purpose when prompted to help with housework — that way, you won’t be asked to help again. It can also be more subtle, like shirking responsibility by telling your partner they are just so much better at making dinner than you are. Sometimes, partners who use weaponized incompetence don’t even realize that they are doing it.

It’s also important to note that even though the “lazy husband” is a stereotypical gender trope, weaponized incompetence isn’t limited to men, and can even play out in the workplace and your friendships.

Why Weaponized Incompetence Is Harmful

If it’s a common feature of jokes and funny TikToks, you might wonder what the big deal is with blowing off a few chores by letting a more competent or experienced partner handle them.

“Weaponized incompetence is something that a partner may not realize that they are doing. It can be quite subtle. However, it is damaging to the relationship, as it can cause the other person to feel resentful or taken advantage of,” says Dr. Jay Serle, LMFT, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist and the clinical director of The Ohana Luxury Alcohol Rehab.

According to Serle, the partner in question may genuinely not know how to do the task. And that’s not the issue. It becomes harmful when they don’t take steps to learn it.

“They are putting everything on their partner,” he says.

In other words, perpetuating weaponized incompetence instead of making efforts to be an equal partner is selfish, and is likely to make your partner feel unsupported and alone.

In the long run, it can even play a significant role in ending your relationship; research shows that a perceived inequality in the division of housework causes tension between spouses that leads to decreased marital quality and can lead to divorce.

How to Avoid Engaging in Weaponized Incompetence

If you find yourself trying to find ways to get out of doing unpleasant tasks, awareness is key to breaking the habit.

Why do you do it? For example, do you feel like your partner is never satisfied with the way you do things so it’s best not to bother? Do you feel embarrassed about not knowing how to perform some tasks? Do you resent being asked to do something or are you upset with your partner and thus uninspired to help?

RELATED: How to Recognize Unhealthy Relationship Patterns

It’s important to be aware of the reasons behind your use of weaponized incompetence so that you can change your behavior or have an honest conversation with your partner accordingly.

“If you notice this in your relationship, address it with your partner. Let them know what you are seeing,” says Serle.

Appreciation is also important when it comes to avoiding weaponized incompetence. Laura Doyle, a New York Times bestselling author and relationship coach, says that it’s important to avoid criticizing, correcting or demoralizing your significant other when they attempt to help. This also means letting go of control if you like things done a certain way.

“Many times we take on more responsibility out of fear that it won't be done right in the first place. But is it really that important to have something done the exact same way you would do it, or is it better to just have it done?” she says.

“It's OK that your partner tackles a chore differently than you would because they are a different person! We are not all the same, which makes life exciting and worth exploring. The more appreciation you show your partner, the more you will inspire them to do and, over time, they will get better at the things that annoy you. After all, our goals in a relationship is to build joy together, not frustrate each other.”

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In other words, calling out one’s partner for not folding the laundry just so can encourage them to pass the chore back to you. And maintaining the status quo doesn’t help any of the parties involved: One person gets used to taking responsibility for everything and feels burdened by their mental load, and the other one gets used to being lazy and misses out on opportunities to learn and grow.

Whether you’re the one using weaponized incompetence to shirk responsibility or you’ve noticed that your partner is in the habit of doing so, have a conversation about why it’s happening and how you can divide tasks moving forward.

You’ll both end up happier in the process, even if it involves doing things you don’t like or letting go of some expectations about how you like things done.

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Maybe you’ve seen ads for them on your favorite porn site. Maybe you’ve heard people talk about them on social media or in forums. Maybe you’ve only dreamt of the concept — getting to engage sexually with an attractive person via video chat.

What you’ve been dreaming of are called cam sites, and they’re where people go to engage in cam sex.

For the uninitiated, cam sites are a “porn-adjacent” fixture in adult entertainment. Cam sites have existed since the mid-’90s. Once considered just a niche, cams are now regarded as a powerful sector unto themselves in the adult industry, as they provide models with incredible autonomy and allow fans to find kindred spirits in a digital community unlike any other.

The popularity and success of cam sites has arguably helped pave the way for mainstream social platforms, such as TikTok, Twitch, Facebook, and Instagram, to embrace the power of live streaming for general audiences too.

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On a cam site, performers stream live via webcam to anyone who’ll watch them. The real-time chat feature alongside the streaming window allows viewers to chat not only with each other, but also with the model during a live show. Depending on the user’s preferences, they can continue to interact in the model’s “public chat,” or, if the model agrees, they can opt to “go private” and enjoy a one-on-one show with the model — but that’s just the tip of what camming is about…

If you’ve ever been curious about the NSFW side of livestreaming and would like to explore an erotic alternative to porn, you’ll find guidance here from two top cam models, a licensed sex therapist, and representatives from an award-winning cam platform.

The Difference Between Live Cams and Porn

 Zuzana Kasinski, talent manager at Cherry.tv, sums up the differences: “Cam sites are highly interactive and give you the possibility of real-time digital sex; porn is passive—it’s just another ‘movie night.’”

Sex therapist Mark Cunningham, M.S. MFT, meanwhile, notes that “Camming is such a beautiful evolution from porn because there’s the potential for relationship and interpersonal feedback that you cannot get from a recorded performance.”

Compared to real-life sex, he adds, “there’s also no need to worry about STIs or pregnancy; and consent is generally open and honest.”

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Speaking of honesty, there’s also a chance for even the most introverted fans to speak up and make a connection. As Cherry.tv’s CEO Paul Ashworth explains, “cam sites allow users to connect with people that maybe they would never work up the courage to approach in real life. On a cam site you also get to see someone live, someone who is ‘real’ and not necessarily ‘acting,’ which has really wide appeal.”

Camming has always been a diverse and inclusive space as well. Ashworth adds: “Adults from all walks of life do cam modeling, so you never know — the person living next door to you could be a cam model.

As one might imagine, cam sites allow users and models to walk the line between fantasy and reality in a unique way — and also to negotiate the line on their own terms.

However, “it’s important to look at how you feel in that space and assess whether you can have a healthy relationship with it,” advises Cunningham.

“Problems often lie in not creating a boundary between fantasy and reality,” he says. “For example, expecting someone to behave in a similar way to camming power dynamics while on a date [in real life] without navigating discussions around what you both want in a relationship could lead to assumptions and hurt feelings.”

In other words: adult entertainment is never meant to be a reflection of, or a substitute for, healthy real-life relationships offline. You should never attempt what you see on cam (or in porn) unless your real-life partner enthusiastically consents and you’ve clearly communicated on this front.

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The Benefits of Enjoying Live Cams

According to cam model Jess_boots, “[Camming] is a great way for a new girl to get into the adult industry in a fun and safe way, and it’s also a great way for models and users alike to be able to express themselves and be accepted.”

And what if you have a fetish or a kink? Come on in! You’re bound to find countless other fellow adults who partake, or otherwise complement your fantasy life.

“It’s easy to search for someone who shares your interests,” says Cunningham. “Cams are a safe space to release shame and access a kink or fetish with the sex worker’s consent.”

Ashworth agrees, noting that “A cam site is the perfect place to explore your own fetishes and kinks. It’s a place where everyone is accepted and there is zero judgment,” and you can use keywords to find people who share your interests and desires.

“Make sure to check your cam site’s specific guidelines on what is and is not allowed,” however, says Jess_boots. “Some sites have stricter rules as to what's acceptable. As a viewer, you always want to make sure to ask and never demand.”

She adds: “It's best to inquire about certain fetishes in a tip note or a private message,” and no matter what “always respect the model’s limits; fetish play is only fun if everyone involved is comfortable.”

And to be clear, “kink-friendly” applies to users and models equally: “Models are really encouraged to embrace their individuality,” says Kasinski. “It is all about kinks and niches these days.”

On a more practical note, “Models can make money at home on their own schedule,” says award-winning performer and cam model Ashley Fires. “ And users get the benefit of getting to know their favorite models on a more personal and human level than they would just watching films. Camming can really be a win-win when everyone is respectful.”

What Really Happens on Cam Sites

“Thanks to innovations in sex tech, a wide variety of interactive remote-controlled sex toys make all manner of erotic fun possible. “Lovense is really the golden standard of vibrators for most cam sites,” says Kasinski. “Models can set it up so that their toy vibrates at a certain intensity or duration, depending on how they are tipped.”

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Ashworth adds: “Models and fans can also enjoy a variety of different show format options, depending on the platform. We offer group, private, and spy shows — and it’s always entirely up to the model how they want to cam and what they feel comfortable with.”

And in that “comfort,” there’s also space for non-sexual activity too.

“Believe it or not, nudity is a small part of the experience,” says Ashworth. “The true experience of camming is within the conversation and the chemistry you will have with the model — that is what will enrich your whole experience.”

Cunningham observes that many users turn to cam sites looking for someone to talk to: “People are looking for connection and acceptance. Sometimes people can struggle with the conditioning or values of their society, religion or family of origin, which can lead to them having conflict with the sexual fantasies or behaviors they are most aroused by.”

Ergo, cam sites are places where a person exploring their sexuality can find not just physical gratification, but social validation of their desires. On a more mundane level, a person coping with loneliness, depression, and/or lots of daily stressors might find themselves genuinely looking forward to the moment when their favorite cam model logs on and gives them the space to vent or the compassionate listening ear that they need.

And sometimes, as we see below, the emotional avenues opened by cam sites are two-way streets…

What Cam Models Wish You Knew

 “Camming is an extremely intimate experience,” says Jess_boots. “As a model, your followers become friends and even a support system. When you're having a bad day there's always someone there to talk to and pick you up — and you’re there for them too. It can be very therapeutic.”

Nevertheless, don’t ever be fooled into thinking that a cam model’s job is easy.

“Sex work is absolutely work,” Fires explains. “I really wish people knew how much time and effort it takes to perform in front of a camera. The pre-show application of makeup, the energy to stay engaging — and also how hard it is to ignore the many negative comments we receive daily. So please: Be polite and don’t take for granted the performers who bring you pleasure. Tip them!”

Kasinski agrees: “Models work really hard to earn their money, they spend eight-plus hours a day online on the camera. They also have to make sure they understand the technology (such as OBS) to ensure they bring fans quality streams and continually find new ways to keep their cam rooms interesting as they build followers.”

Making the Most of Your Cam Site Experience

“When entering a model room, imagine you are really in the room together,” advises Kasinski. “Always greet the performer, ask them how their day’s going, compliment them. Take the time to read their bio and familiarize yourself with what they're into — and use [that knowledge] accordingly. Tipping and being respectful really goes a long way. Models are more likely to open up and create a fun experience for the fans who understand this.”

Lastly, Ashworth suggests: “Remember, too, that cam models are regular people; they have lives outside of camming, so always respect boundaries. If you are open-minded and kind, camming can open up a whole new world of sexual fantasy and fun.”

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Few things are as frustrating as being ignored in the middle of an argument. This harmful lack of communication has a name: stonewalling. It occurs when a partner shuts down and refuses to communicate or express feelings — and it’s quite common during conflicts in relationships. Consider it a defense mechanism.

“Conflict avoidance is common. Stonewalling is a way to avoid conflict. It’s also a way to stay ‘right’ in your own head,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Celeste Labadie, LMFT. “You may have to deal with your assumptions being wrong. And that is also hard for men.”

RELATED: The 5 Conflict Styles & When to Use Them in Your Relationship

Labadie differentiates between stonewalling and taking some space like this: 

“When someone takes space to calm themselves, it’s clear to their partner. They say, ‘I’m too angry, I need to go get some space. I’ll be back in an hour.’ Stonewalling, on the other hand, is someone who doesn’t say anything. They stop talking. They say they won’t talk about it anymore. It leaves the possibility of repair off the table,” says Labadie.

Why People Stonewall

There are plenty of reasons people resort to stonewalling, even if it’s ultimately unhelpful for their relationship.

“It is often rooted in lack of confidence and willingness to be honest and upfront about articulating their feelings. The reaction can stem from fear of vulnerability — avoiding a conversation altogether instead of allowing themselves to be vulnerable and discuss needs or hurt,” according to communication coach Kelly Whitaker.

“It’s mostly learned behavior. Usually someone has seen one of their parents practice stonewalling. It’s also legitimized or portrayed in movies as something men do (though women do it too),” adds Labadie.

Why Stonewalling Is Harmful

People who stonewall may be terrified of conflict and view their behavior as a better option than fighting. But staying silent can actually backfire.

“It will not solve the conflict, only prolong it. The inability to openly acknowledge a conflict will lend itself to extended resentment, which can add tension and ultimately compromise the relationship,” says Whitaker. “It is not a healthy nor an effective way to problem-solve, it's simply avoidance. Problems do not go away if you avoid them, they grow. A relationship cannot thrive without open communication and will ultimately end if not addressed and remedied.”

Being on the receiving end of stonewalling makes your partner feel unseen and unimportant. According to Labadie, a partner sick of being stonewalled may give up on trying to repair the conflict and get their emotional needs met elsewhere.

“Furthermore, the person who is on the receiving end of being stonewalled will likely have a parent who also stonewalled the other parent. It will feel familiar and they will revert to their own childhood protection methods,” she adds.

And when both partners start to rely on the coping mechanisms they used as children, they are limiting the possibility of positive conflict resolution.

How to Address Stonewalling If You’re Doing It

If you’re someone who resorts to stonewalling in stressful situations, don’t panic. You can learn new habits, even if communication doesn’t come easy.

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“If you’re the one doing the stonewalling, the first step is to develop awareness of the behavior. Then, when you want to shut down and avoid your partner, say to them, ‘I’m aware I want to shut down.’ This allows your partner to stay present and open,” Labadie suggests.

If things get too intense for you, she recommends asking your partner for a 30-minute break. You’ll want to make sure you come back. For example, you can say something like,

“I think it’s best if I take a walk. I’ll be back in 30 minutes and I’d like us to try again to talk about this.”

Whitaker suggests using “I” statements to set the tone for open-minded communication — using “you” statements and pointing fingers will only make your partner defensive, which can cause you to shut down further. She also recommends approaching communication with the intention of understanding and being understood.

Remember that practice makes perfect. It takes time to unlearn a lifetime of unhelpful communication habits.

“If fear and anxiety get in the way of an open emotional sharing, practice. Practice sharing with friends, with a professional, in front of the mirror. The more you practice, the easier it will become. Alternatively, the more it's avoided, the harder it will be, and the colder the relationship can become,” says Whitaker.

What to Do If Your Partner Is Stonewalling You

Now, let’s say that you’re the one being stonewalled. There are a few things you can do — but you need to be willing to address the issue as a team. It’s important to make the behavior of stonewalling the problem rather than the partner who does it, says Labadie.

RELATED: How to Handle a Relationship Argument

“Address it directly, calmly, and honestly. Be willing to name the behavior and how it's impacting you and the relationship,” recommends Whitaker. “Ask your stonewalling partner if there's something you can do to support them in learning to share more openly, and work together to establish a compassionate and non-judgmental space for both parties to share.”

Here’s how that can play out during an argument, according to Labadie. If you notice your partner starting to shut down or turn away, say something like, 

“I’m guessing you’re beginning to shut down or feel overwhelmed by anger, am I close?”

“This gives their partner time to assess and clarify. They may pop out of the behavior and become aware, and take a new path,” she says. This technique is gentle enough to help both partners pause and redirect the conversation.

As you make efforts to address stonewalling in your relationship and build healthier communication habits, you’ll want to set boundaries. Stonewalling is potentially quite emotionally damaging, and, left unchecked, can wreak havoc on your relationship and wellbeing. Accepting the status quo should therefore not be an option.

“It’s important to be firm on the boundary of the behavior and communication you are willing to accept, and clear about what will happen if your partner is unwilling to alter their behavior,” says Whitaker.

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You’ve probably been hearing about marriage all your life. There’s a decent chance your parents were or are married, and if not, well, marriage is hard to avoid in culture at large. How many people’s bedtime stories ended with a prince marrying a princess and living happily ever after?

When you read books, there are married couples, when you watch movies, there are married couples, when you go see a play, start a new show, or listen to a classic song, marriage often manages to get mentioned — and if it doesn’t, it’s often simply because it’s assumed that certain characters are married. In short, marriage is kind of the default.

RELATED: Top 10 Reasons to Get Married

But what is it, really? Where did our modern understanding of marriage come from? Why do people get married? In order to understand marriage a bit better, AskMen spoke to a handful of experts about these questions and more. Here’s what they had to say:

What Is Marriage?

“Marriage is a legal and social union between spouses that establishes rights and obligations between the spouses, between the spouses and their children, and between the spouses and their in-laws,” says Pippa Murphy, the sex & relationship expert at condoms.uk. “The definition of marriage varies according to different cultures, but it is principally an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged in a variety of ways, depending on the culture or subculture in which it is found.”

One of the ways that acknowledgment is made is in law.

“Marriage has a legal definition, according to the laws of each state,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together. “Each couple has to apply for a license, and then have it filed with the state, by the legal officiant of the marriage.”

In a legal capacity, Tessina notes, “The marriage conveys benefits, like the right to inherit, or make medical decisions for an incapacitated partner. There’s also common-law marriage; also defined by state laws, usually stating that after a couple has lived together for a specified number of years, their marriage is legal, and accrues the same benefits as legal marriage.”

“Personal definitions of marriage differ,” she says, “but I would describe it as a mutual commitment between partners to share life together, and work together to build the life they want.”

“In many cultures, marriage is recommended or considered to be compulsory before pursuing any sexual activity,” Murphy adds. “When defined broadly, marriage is considered a cultural universal.”

One of the reasons it’s so universal may be that it addresses a deep-seated desire that most people have for closeness.

“Marriage is a social construct developed to accommodate our innate desire for intimate, life-lasting connections while simultaneously safeguarding our rights, defining our roles and responsibilities, and organizing the sharing and transition of the resources we have accumulated,” says Dr. Talal Alsaleem, a licensed marriage counselor specializing in infidelity and author of the book Infidelity: The Best Worst Thing That Could Happen to Your Marriage. “It’s the merger of two separate entities with common goals and a shared vision of the future. It’s a committed partnership that utilizes the individual assets both partners bring to the table to achieve synergy.”

A Brief History of Marriage

It would be impossible to properly sum of the history of marriage across the entire planet, but it’s interesting to consider contemporary understandings of marriage in the context of the institution’s history, so here are some noteworthy moments and trends:

Marriage in Ancient Mesopotamia

Alsaleem notes that marital infidelity has “been in existence since the inception of the concept of committed relationships” — as can be seen from at least the 18th century BCE.

“The earliest account of recorded human history comes to us from ancient Mesopotamia through the code of Hammurabi, a collection of 282 rules established to govern social interactions and punish social taboos,” he says. “Infidelity was one of the punishable crimes mentioned in the code of Hammurabi, due to the devastating impact it can have on couples, their family, and the societies in which they live.”

Marriage in the Roman Empire

While many other civilizations had cultures of polygamy, “The Romans introduced the idea of marriage as a legal union between two people,” says Murphy. “It was also during this time that the idea of divorce was introduced — although it was much more difficult for women to get one.”

Marriage in the 5th Century CE

“Christianity changed the rules around marriage by allowing priests to perform unions between couples, instead of having them go through their local magistrate or mayor,” Murphy says. “This made marriage more accessible for many people who couldn't afford to travel far away from home, and also gave them more options when it came time to find a partner.”

Marriage in the 11th Century CE

“In 1095 AD, Pope Gregory VII issued an edict banning divorce in Western Europe,” says Murphy. “This was part of an effort to make Christians renounce their sins and return to church doctrine. It wasn't until 1965 that this ban was lifted by Pope Paul VI after Catholics had become disinterested in their faith because they were unable to get divorced in civil courts or remarry within their religion.”

Marriage in the 17th Century CE

In the 17th century, Murphy explains, “Catholics could divorce, but only if adultery was involved. However, Pope Innocent X issued that women would be punished more harshly than men for cheating on their partners because it was considered a violation of their husband's property rights over them.”

Marriage in the 20th Century CE

“The first half of the 20th century saw some important developments in marriage,” says Murphy. “In 1948, laws against interracial marriages were struck down by the Supreme Court.”

“In more modern history, divorce became more common and less stigmatized,” says Tessina. “In the post-war period, divorce required a guilty party, who would be accused of adultery or abandonment, which was a requirement for divorce. In 1969, California became the first state to adopt no-fault divorce law, which allowed the parties to claim ‘incompatibility’ as grounds for divorce. The laws still vary widely by state. That began a nationwide rush to divorce, and to date, the divorce rate remains around 50%.”

Marriage in the 21st Century CE

“In recent years, there have been more changes as well as more acceptance of same-sex marriages and civil unions between same-sex couples,” says Murphy. “In 2008, California became the first state to legalize same-sex marriages; today 19 other states have followed suit with similar laws at the state level.”

“In 2013, the United States Supreme Court ruled that Section 3 of DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act), which defined marriage as between a man and a woman for federal purposes, was unconstitutional because it violated equal protection under the Fifth Amendment's Due Process Clause; this led to a series of legal challenges that eventually resulted in all 50 states allowing same-sex couples to marry,” Murphy adds. “In June 2015, the Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples have a constitutional right to marry, which effectively legalised same-sex marriage in all 50 states.”

Why Do People Get Married?

Ultimately, as with any human behavior, people get married for a variety of reasons. That might be a primarily romantic or emotional reason related to the partner they’re marrying, Tessina notes:

“Most people get married to share life with a partner, and build their dreams into reality together. If a couple discusses these dreams beforehand, and can reach agreement in several areas like finances, lifestyle, children and parenting, and how to deal with extended family and friends, the marriage has a much better chance of success.”

Or, it might also involve a cultural component that ties together their family and their ancestors:

“I believe people get married because they are following in the footsteps of past generations,” says Jamie Ratner, CEO and founder of CertifiKID, a recognized best deal website for parents and co-author of ParentPreneurs, written with her husband, Brian Ratner. “For those of us who have observed a successful marriage, it is something we aspire to have as well. Someone who we can trust, grow together in love, and know will be there for us in the good, the bad and the ugly. I think the marriage certificate just helps formalize that commitment.”

To Ratner’s point about the certificate, Murphy notes that there are concrete benefits to getting married:

“Marriage gives you legal rights and responsibilities as well as tax benefits if you're eligible for them,” she says. “The government considers you legally married and gives you the right to take time off from work if one spouse dies or becomes disabled and needs care, among other things. If you have children together, then you have certain parental rights over them, such as making medical decisions for them or having visitation rights with them if your spouse dies or moves away.”

Ultimately, though, the crux of the issue is often an emotional decision rather than a logistical one, she says.

“From an emotional perspective, many people get married as it’s considered the ultimate commitment between two people who love each other and want to share their lives forever.”

And what about those who don’t get married?

Murphy says, “People who choose not to marry may be doing so because they don't feel ready for such an important step in their relationship or because they don't believe in marriage itself.”

Ultimately, getting married or not is a personal choice that needs to be made by the two members of the couple, regardless of broader societal expectations or the desires of their friends and families.

Marriage Dos and Don’ts

Do Talk About Kids Before You Get Married

Because of its association with both sex and the family unit, it’s no surprise that the decision to have children (or not) is hugely entwined with the institution of marriage in many people’s minds. However, not everyone feels ready to be a parent when they get married — or will ever want to.

That’s why Murphy suggests that it’s very important to discuss this issue before getting married.

“Having children can strengthen your marriage, but also create stress and conflict,” she says. “You may have different ideas about how many kids you want or when you want them.”

Don’t Get Married for the Wrong Reasons

Because so many of us grow up assuming marriage is the end goal and a necessary life step, some people will feel compelled to seek out marriage as an end in and of itself rather than as a stage in a relationship that makes sense for all parties involved.

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“Don’t fall in love with the idea of being married instead of your partner,” says Murphy. “If you only want to get married to have a big beautiful wedding, and not because you see yourself being with your partner for the rest of your lives — then you’re marrying for the wrong reasons.”

Do Communicate

“Talk frequently and honestly to each other about your frustrations, about sex, about anger, about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about everything,” says Tessina. “No topic should be off limits. Learn to listen and communicate instead of fighting. Fighting is childish, and you want a grown-up relationship.”

Don’t Assume a Person Will Change After Marriage

Sometimes people get married to someone whose flaws they believe they will be able to fix. They may even see their spouse as a “project” to work on.

However, “The older you get, the more likely this is never ever going to happen,” Ratner warns. “If you are not accepting of who they are before the marriage, then don’t marry this person.”

Do Be a Team

“Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up,” Tessina says. “Create a partnership.”

When you’re in disagreement, she says, “Don't get stuck on who's right or wrong, instead focus on what will solve the problem. Strive to work together so both of you can have what you want.”

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“When you build a successful working partnership, each of you will feel supported and respected by the other,” Tessina adds. “When each of you feels that the other has your best interests at heart, problems are solved not ‘my way’ or ‘your way’ but so that both are happy with the solution. The mutuality of this type of partnership creates an environment of love where deep trust grows. When trust, respect, responsibility and love feel mutual, that's when we feel secure in being loved.”

Don’t Put Your Partner on a Pedestal

“A lot of people do this, especially after they get married,” says Murphy. “They start to look at their spouse as superior and expect them to have all the answers.”

This may feel like a compliment, but it can also be exhausting to feel like your spouse has unrealistic expectations of you. Worst of all, it creates a deeply unequal dynamic between the two of you that will undermine genuine teamwork and trust.

Do Express Your Expectations of Each Other

You may have talked about your expectations when you were just dating, but people can have different expectations of what will happen in a marriage. It’s a good idea to address these, says Alsaleem.

“You and your partner need to clarify your expectations of one another,” he says. “Establish clear boundaries and identify the expected parameters of sexual and emotional exclusivity, to avoid the devastating impact of infidelity.”

Don’t Be Cruel When Your Expectations Aren’t Met

“You have to take care of yourself, and find a way to solve problems and motivate your partner to work with you,” says Tessina. “Partnership is the name of the game, not ‘I want you to take care of me, and I'll throw a temper tantrum if you don't.’ You'll get a lot more of what you want if you ask directly and simply, and motivate with affection, humor and fun.”

Do Talk to Other People About Your Marriage

“Speak to other married couples that you trust,” Murphy advises.

It’s easy to start to feel cordoned off from other people if you spend all your time talking to just one other person. You might start to take certain behaviors (positive or negative) for granted; getting insight from friends and family about their relationships can help keep you both grounded.

And if you’re curious about marriage generally, Alsaleem recommends checking out The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.

Don’t Overextend Yourself

“Lots of people try to fill in all the gaps by doing whatever their partner isn't doing — all alone,” says Tessina. “If your partner can't keep a job, getting successful on your own could be a good thing for you, but it won't save the relationship. If your partner won't help around the house, or with the kids, doing it all yourself (plus your job) won't save the relationship either. If your partner won't be responsible about money or discipline, doing it all yourself will work for a while, but you'll wind up being seen as the bad guy.”

“Very early in the relationship, give your partner the room to do their share,” she says. “But if nothing is forthcoming, ask directly (don't just whine or hint) for what you want. If your partner doesn't step up, and won't discuss what would help, then you're probably the only one in the relationship, and it's not going to work.”

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Do Continue to Be Romantic

Unlike the fairy tales, your wedding isn’t the end of the story — it’s the beginning. That means in addition to the communication and teamwork you need to do, you also need to work a little to ensure that the romance continues to flow, too.

“Date your spouse and make time for romance in your relationship once you’re married,” Murphy advises.

Don’t Put Your Dreams on Hold for Your Spouse

If you put off pursuing your dreams — whether that’s a career path or simply globe-trotting, “you will never be completely happy and might end up feeling resentful,” says Ratner.

“I always had the itch to start a business and I was planning to just wait till it was a better time for our family, but I am so glad I took the leap,” she says. “I believe it makes me a better wife and mother.”

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Non-monogamy has become much more popular in recent years, with people and couples opting out of the narrow monogamous conception of love and sex that had dominated Western culture for so long.

But with the sudden influx of people trying non-monogamy on for size, whether they’re engaging in swinging, polyamory, open relationships, relationship anarchy, or are just trying out something more “monogamish,” there are opportunities for things to go wrong.

For one, so many people are new to this stuff; for two, there aren’t a ton of existing cultural scripts to guide people. In that context, it’s easy to make mistakes that can lead to breakups, regrets and seriously hurt feelings.

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To help you navigate through it all without causing any unnecessary emotional damage, AskMen spoke to three non-monogamy experts about common mistakes to avoid. Here’s what they had to say: 

9 Non-Monogamy Mistakes to Watch Out For

1. Pressuring a Monogamous Partner to Open Up

“I receive so many emails from folks who want to convince their partners to swing or ‘open up,’” says Jess O’Reilly, sexologist and host of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. “Oftentimes, the messages involve detailed criticisms of their partners for being (supposedly) too uptight, not adventurous enough or simply not aligned with their specific sexual desires. They often present non-monogamy as the ‘solution’ to their partner’s ‘deficits.’”

What to do instead: “Be open about why non-monogamy appeals to you,” says O’Reilly. “Present it as an option as opposed to pressuring your partner. Be open to their reaction and accept that their first reaction may not be their last; they may need time to process. And if you don’t want to be with your partner because they have too many so-called deficits, consider breaking up or working on the relationship (starting with yourself) as opposed to exploring non-monogamy.”

2. Not Knowing What You Want from Non-Monogamy

“Do you want a primary partner, multiple partners, or no committed partners at all?” says Mia Lee, escort, sex worker and CFO of Petit Mort magazine. “Are you a jealous person? If so, how do you handle that jealousy?”

What to do instead: Before trying non-monogamy, “Talk to your non-monogamous, poly, swinger and relationship anarchy friends,” Lee suggests. “Read forums where people post honestly about their non-monogamous relationships. Ask questions to the extent people are willing to share. Get a real picture of what it’s like in these non-traditional relationships. Then decide if you want this lifestyle.”

3. Assuming Non-Monogamy Will Fix a Monogamous Relationship 

“So many couples assume that if they make a big change (and shifting from monogamy to non-monogamy is among the biggest), the existing issues in the relationship — from resentment to unfulfilling sex to communication breakdowns —  will automatically be addressed,” says O’Reilly. “But this simply isn’t the case.”

What to do instead: “Work on your relationship regardless of whether you’re monogamous or non-monogamous,” she advises, suggesting that, if you’re dealing with relationship resentment, for instance, you should “reflect upon the source and look for actionable changes you can make before making requests of your partner.”

4. Thinking Non-monogamy Is All About Sex

“While sex can be an important part of non-monogamous relationships (just like monogamous relationships), there is much more to it than that,” says Stephen Quaderer, CEO of ThotExperiment and creator of Headero, a sexuality- and gender-inclusive connection app for people who love oral pleasure. “Just like any relationship dynamic, intimacy, trust and care are essential in a non-monogamous dynamic.”

What to do instead: “Proactively show care for each of your partners,” Quaderer says. “Check in with them to see how they’re doing, and lend support and care when needed. We’re all human, we all have good and bad days. And one of the beautiful things about polyamory is the mutual enrichment that comes from each person you’re connected to. Embrace that! You will certainly be better off for it!”

5. Trying to Avoid Your Emotions

“Of course, we’d prefer to reduce or avoid emotions that are distressful, but no amount of communication, reassurance or connection can eradicate feelings altogether,” says O’Reilly. 

What to do instead: “Lean into a range of feelings and acknowledge them,” she says. “Give yourself permission to feel without the need to explain every experience. You don’t have to apologize for your feelings; you’re human. (Of course, if your behavior in response to a feeling is problematic, that’s a different story.)”

“If you want to work through an emotion,” O’Reilly says, you could consider these strategies:

6. Making Assumptions About What It Will Look Like

“There’s no pre-set societal norm for these non-traditional relationships,” says Lee. “You don’t need to stick to the relationship style you’ve seen previously. It’s difficult, if not impossible for one person to be all things to a partner. This is the primary appeal of non-monogamy.”

What to do instead: “Once you meet someone, or several people, who share your relationship preference, ask them how they’d like to proceed and if applicable, advance the relationship,” Lee suggests. “There’s no roadmap for us, so you’d better have good communication to make your own.”

7. Assuming You’ll Get Laid a Ton

“So you’ve opened your relationship,” says Lee. “Congratulations!” 

“You did not, however, suddenly add three zeros to your net worth, grow 12 inches, get a six pack and climb Kilimanjaro,” she points out. “There is still a disproportionate supply and demand between men who want sex with multiple partners, and women who want to have casual sex or have multiple partners.”

In fact, she notes, “My single heterosexual male friends have fewer matches on their dating apps after disclosing their non-monogamous relationship preference.”

What to do instead: Be realistic. As Lee points out, monogamy may be more enticing for women, so if you’re a straight guy, be prepared to get ignored a lot in an online dating context, as many of the people you swipe right on may be looking for someone without a partner already. 

8. Decreasing Communication Over Time

“Some folks that are new to non-monogamy start out with good intentions, and communicate with their partners at the outset of their dynamic — but fail to keep that conversation going,” says Quaderer. “The reality is that non-monogamous dynamics evolve over time, so it’s essential that you continually check in to make sure you and your partner’s needs are being met.”

What to do instead: “Check in with your partners!” Quaderer says. “Set up regular touch-points to communicate with each of your partners (and to the extent that your non-monogamous dynamic includes connections between your partners, encourage them to do the same). The more you communicate the better your dynamic will flow — and you can avoid surprises or built up resentments.”

9. Not Thinking About Scheduling

“One of the major challenges to being polyamorous is managing my time with my husband, time with my girlfriend, and time for work, friends and hobbies,” says Lee. “Just because my husband and I aren’t the sexually jealous type, doesn’t mean we can have two dinners with our respective partners, or clone ourselves to be on different continents for the NYE kiss.”

What to do instead: “If you’re not using a calendar app, I’d highly recommend starting,” says Lee. 

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If you think you’ll get pecs that put Hercules to shame just by pressing a barbell again and again on repeat, you’re going to be lying on that bench for a very long time. While the barbell chest press has its merit — it can target multiple muscles in the chest, arm, and shoulders in just one exercise — “when targeting the chest, pushing movements aren’t everything,” says Blake Holman, C.P.T., fitness nutrition specialist, and sports performance specialist.

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You want to set up the right balance between pushing and pulling movements specifically. “A good rule of thumb is for every push movement in your routine there should be two pull exercises,” Holman. “This will help ensure proper posture and prevent injuries.”

In fact, Holman says his holy grail chest exercise would be the cable chest fly, as it’s the most effective for overall chest development. This move, which utilizes a dual-cable machine, maintains constant tension in the active muscles, allows for full range of motion, and can be leveled up or down as needed, explains Holman. (See how to perform a cable chest fly below.)

But just as with any fitness goal, variety matters. “If you are constantly working the same types of movements and aren’t changing intensity or volume, you are setting yourself up for failure,” says Holman. “Your body adapts to the demands you place on it, so if you aren’t introducing the body to a new stimulus — intensity, volume, or type — then you aren’t going to maximize your potential.”

With all the above in mind, Holman shared five of his go-to chest exercises that will get you out of your bench press rut.

5 Chest Exercises to Add to Your Workout

Dumbbell Chest Press

Using dumbbells instead of a barbell allows for greater range of motion, which puts more emphasis on working chest muscles.

Do 4 sets of 6-12 reps.

Incline Dumbbell Chest Flys

Do 4 sets of 8-12 reps.

Forward Leaning Chest Dips

Do 4 sets of 8-12 reps.

Cable Chest Flys

Do 4 sets of 10-15 reps.

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Plate Press

Do 4 sets of 12-15 reps.

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Have you ever heard the joke, “Women be shoppin’”? If you have, you’ve run into old chestnuts about gender differences. “Men are hunters, women are gatherers.” “Men want to sow their wild oats.” “Men fear commitment.” “Men like to fuck, women like to make love.”“Women talk too much.” “Men are logical.” “Men think about solutions, women express themselves.” “Men are natural leaders.”

One of the functions of ideology is to tell people what they are, by nature, and therefore, how they should or can behave. When it succeeds, that view of what a certain kind of person is stops being seen as ideology. It’s accepted as truth. Most gender stereotypes operate this way. 

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Thankfully, the topic of gender difference is studied in social sciences, particularly sociology and social psychology. According to Laurie A. Rudman and Peter Samuel Glick’s book, The Social Psychology of Gender: How Power and Intimacy Shape Gender Relations, many of the characterizations of gender dynamics in dating come from a medieval courtship narrative that describes women as passive and men as active:

“The script itself is not particularly intimate or loving in that it treats both partners as commodities in a sexual marketplace, specifying (1) a set of gender-based exchanges (the man appreciates her by expending resources, the woman cares for him and consents to sex), and (2) a means of compensating for unequal attractiveness (his less favorable treatment of her, her lowered expectations of him). These exchanges are also viewed as a means of providing both partners with a source of social prestige; she has captured a man’s attentions, and he has (ideally) captured an attractive woman.”

The authors go on to describe how this script can have drawbacks for both sexes: “Highly gendered romantic ideologies encourage women to exchange a man’s protection for their autonomy: their right to be men’s equals on the dimensions that society values most, such as achievement, recognition, money, and power.” 

As for men, the description of romantic love as an emotion primarily experienced by women, “men are expected not to fall too deeply in love, a state that suggests weakness and dependence, rather than masculine autonomy.” 

The stereotype that love is for women can cause men to experience “distress and shame [...] when they fall in love.”

When men are in relationships, according to the authors, they’re more likely to rely on their partner as the person to whom they disclose their emotions, and as their best friend. 

When it comes to sex, “research suggests that people who try to ‘perform gender’ (i.e. to embody gender ideals) in the bedroom actually experience diminished sexual satisfaction.” 

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The authors attribute this to “feeling that one is ‘not free’ to act naturally, in accord with the impulses of the moment,” and “pressure to demonstrate their sexual prowess and competence.”

Gender has also been studied through the lens of culture, in gender studies, and labor, in sociology. Jane Ward, professor of Gender and Sexuality Studies at the University of California Riverside, explores the history of advice about the genders when it comes to courtship and marriage in her 2020 book, The Tragedy of Heterosexuality. Don’t be alarmed by the title: The book is about how the history of marriage has made for a problem of misaligned social roles, when men and women try to marry for love, as equals. 

The project of repairing this gap, and the media industry that’s sprung up to address it, she calls the heterosexual-repair industry. It runs the gamut from self-help books, to rom-coms, to magazines, to the ad industry. 

The bread and butter of the heterosexual repair industry is telling men and women how they should behave, in order to get along with the opposite sex and attain happiness. The origins of this industry are in the eugenics movement, a white supremacist movement that inspired Nazism, which argued that racially inferior people should procreate for the strength of the species, while “degenerates,” the poor, and the supposedly subordinate races should be forcibly sterilized and die out.  

The first authors in the genre, according to Ward, “made perfectly clear what they understood to be the marital status quo at the time: men and women commonly wished harm on each other, found each other disgusting, and were made miserable by marriage.” Shockingly, one of the purposes of the marriage advice in this genre was to make white marriages more successful, for racial advantage.  

Ward’s main argument about the heterosexual-repair industry is that it uses stereotypes and cliches to repackage sexism, in order to sell bad compromises that don’t contribute to real happiness and loving relationships between men and women.

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She traces the history of the industry from the early 20th century, and while there have been important changes, some of the fundamental problems of the gap — unequal salaries and domestic labor, and misogyny, to start — are still there, still being reinforced and passed on in culture. Learning about past cultural narratives about the differences between men and women helps put the purpose of that kind of talk in context. They’re messages about how to behave, that usually don’t address social conditions realistically.

The genre of stereotypes about gender difference that rely on narratives about a distant evolutionary past are also under increasing scrutiny. 

Giordana Grossi, a professor of cognitive neuroscience at SUNY New Paltz, spoke to AskMen about her and her colleagues’ 2014 paper “Challenging Dangerous Ideas: A multi-disciplinary critique of evolutionary psychology.” She gives a few reasons why evolutionary psychology’s methods mean its conclusions shouldn’t be treated as facts, or even as hard science. 

It’s a common theory of evolutionary psychology, as applied to human beings, that, as Grossi puts it, “women and men have different evolved preferences because of the different degrees of parental investment (e.g., in terms of pregnancy): according to this view, women have a preference for long-term partners and for partners with resources, while men have a preference for younger and attractive women.”

The thing is, as Grossi puts it, "Sex/gender difference research is not experimental, that is, researchers explore differences between two groups of participants that pre-exist the research. They are not randomly assigned to groups that then receive different treatments. A difference between the two groups says nothing about its origin.” 

In addition, the sort of data that evolutionary psychology collects is often in the form of questionnaires, which have well-known flaws as data. People reporting about their own behavior and attitudes on questionnaires sometimes misrepresent themselves. Reports about remembered incidents can be “biased or misremembered,” she said. 

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The trait being discussed is presented as an adaptation, “But the adaptive value of the trait is never demonstrated, not for the trait in the past (it is impossible) and not for the one in the present. So, average differences in scores on a questionnaire are interpreted in terms of evolution, and therefore origins, but nothing in the data justifies this leap.”

Another major flaw with evolutionary psychology’s theories about gender difference is that it fails to take into account the context of the trait being theorized about. 

“All of us are raised in a gendered world, with expectations about our psychology, behavior, roles, etc,” says Grossi. “So, one of the crucial questions, not considered by evolutionary psychologists, is: What factors are important in the development of a trait tied to gender?” 

She emphasizes that “the role of the context (historic, social, cultural, etc.) in shaping human development and behavior is typically absent.”

Finally, Grossi warns against over-simplifications and lazy popularizations of science: “The distinction between nature and nurture is an obsolete one; indeed, these terms have also been reformulated by some authors. Alas, it is a distinction that continues to resurface, perhaps because it is a catchy and quick way to refer to a particular question. But it is an ill-posed question.”

Gender differences will continue to be a hot topic — and one that should be met with healthy skepticism. If you want to unpack ideas about gender, there’s a lot of great information out there; consider going beyond the simple tropes you may have grown up hearing, like the ones at the beginning of this article. The more we know about the history of our received ideas, the more power we have to evaluate them fairly, and figure out what we want for our own lives and for society. 

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The relationship between friendship and attraction can be a complex one. While many people go on to remain friends with their exes, and while some people successfully turn friendships into lasting relationships, if you’re trying to switch from one situation to the other, it’s easy for one party (or even both) to end up with hurt feelings.

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So what about when it comes to someone you just met on a dating app and don’t know very well yet? You might not exactly click on a romantic level, but you just met a cool new person and you'd like to stay in touch in some capacity. Is it possible to navigate that in a way that leaves everyone happy?

In order to help differentiate a great new friendship from impending emotional drama, AskMen spoke to a couple of experts. Here’s what they had to say about whether you should keep a match in your life as a friend:

Why Stay Friends With Someone You Met on a Dating App?

Sam Nabil, CEO and lead therapist at Naya Clinics, says that it’s always a good idea to grow your circle of friends, especially considering the impact of the pandemic on social connection.

Just because you didn’t connect with your date on a romantic level doesn’t mean that you didn’t experience emotional connection. According to Nabil, we have emotional reactions towards people we have no intentions of being romantically involved with on a regular basis.

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“Every emotional response from interacting with a new person can be nurtured into a deeper connection such as a friendship,” he says. “Keeping your dating app match as a friend affords you a new person to socially interact with, bond with, learn from, and share common interests with.”

This is all positive in theory, but things can get a bit more complicated in practice.

Potential Pitfalls of Befriending People You Met on Dating Apps

It’s rare, says Kevin Darné, the author of Online Dating Avoid the Catfish!: How to Date Online Successfully and Pump Your Brakes! How to Stop Having Bad First Dates, “for two people who met on a dating app to become genuine platonic friends who encourage one another to find happiness with someone else.”

“There is always the risk of someone harboring resentment for not being chosen,” he explains.

In other words, staying friends has to be mutual. But when you meet on a platform designed to date or hook up, the odds of being on the same page about maintaining a friendship aren’t necessarily super high. Plus, it’s common for people to suggest staying friends as a “consolation prize” when they are not interested but don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.

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Darné recommends staying away from those types of offers — ones where “the person making it does so in order to feel less of a ‘bad guy’ for rejecting the other,” he says. “Rarely is it a situation where both people realize they didn't click. One person usually feels rejected — and no one wants to be friend-zoned.”

This means that you should also be honest with yourself about your own intentions when considering a friendship with someone you met on a dating app. Are you trying to let them down easy or are you genuinely interested in building a friendship?

There is another factor to keep in mind: People tend to put their best foot forward on dating apps, says Nabil: “We're all hardwired to leave a good impression on others whenever possible, therefore, it may take more time for you to truly know who your new friend really is and whether they're worth keeping in your life.”

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“Should they show their true colors and you've determined that they're not a good fit to be in your social circle, you'll be faced with the challenge of choosing between accepting every part of them (the good and the bad) or making the painful decision to end the connection and deal with all the wasted effort in building that new friendship.”

How to Decide Whether to Stay Friends or Not

If you’re on the fence about whether you really want a friendship out of your dating app connection, Nabil recommends asking yourself if you’ll be able to practice the duties of a friend for this person. “Building a friendship entails keeping in touch, meeting up now and then, and doing activities together that friends do,” he says.

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He also suggests connecting with them on social media first to get a better sense of who they are before committing to a friendship. “This way, you'll be able to make an informed decision on whether you're actually willing to pour effort into building this connection and take on the role of a friend without any romantic motivations,” he adds.

Finally, if you actually have feelings for someone and they suggest staying friends, don’t do it. It’s not worth the heartache. “When you realize someone is unable or unwilling to meet your needs it is usually best to move on and wish them well,” says Darné.

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Ending any relationship is tough. But moving on from a toxic relationship? That can have its own unique challenges.

You may find it difficult to trust someone again, set healthy boundaries, or even build up the self-confidence needed to get back out into the dating world.

Sure, it can take some time to heal from these experiences — but according to therapists, it’s well worth the time, energy, and effort. In doing so, you can learn more about yourself — and about what you will and won’t accept from a partner.

“Until and unless you process the experience and change as a result, you might take it personally and fail to learn the valuable lessons that relationship was designed to teach,” explains Dr. Debi Silber, a holistic psychologist and founder of the Post Betrayal Transformation Institute.

“For example,” she says, “maybe a certain level of disrespect is meant to teach you to value yourself more. Maybe signs your partner wasn’t trustworthy inspire you to trust your intuition. Maybe looking back, you realized you settled because of low-self esteem.”

You may not immediately realize how your last relationship has affected you, but understanding its impact will allow you to better tend to your own needs both in and outside of another relationship.

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So, whether you’re eager to get back out there and meet someone new, or you can’t possibly imagine dating again, here are seven therapist-approved steps for healing from your toxic relationship.

1. Surround yourself with support

Being in a toxic relationship can have a negative impact on your relationships with friends and family members — particularly if your previous partner was isolating you from them, or they didn’t approve of your relationship.

So, now is the time to re-surround yourself with those loved ones you may have lost touch with.

“Even if you don't think you feel ready to see people, make it a point to spend time with your friends and family,” says Tina B. Tessina, a licensed psychotherapist and author of Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today. “They'll help you heal, and remind you that you still have people who love you.”

Consider reaching out to people in your inner circle to let them know that you’re still recovering from the end of the relationship. The more you clue them in on where you’re at, the more supportive they can be in checking in on you regularly and scheduling quality time to hang.

2. Prioritize self-care

Studies have shown that being in problematic relationships can increase your risk of health issues. Stress can take a serious toll on your immune system, affecting your physical health, and constant conflict and emotional rollercoasters can also sabotage your mental well-being, leading to anxiety, depression, insomnia, and other issues.

Given how much a toxic relationship can wear on your body and mind, Silber says it’s crucial to make self-care a top priority as you start your journey toward healing. That starts with getting enough sleep.

“During deep, restful sleep, lots of healing happens,” says Silber.

Not only does it help with focus, clarity, energy, and emotional regulation, but sleep also plays a key role in your mood. In fact, not getting enough sleep can increase your risk of depression and anxiety — so, if you’re already predisposed to those conditions or are struggling with them post-breakup, you’ll want to be extra diligent about catching those quality Z’s.

Other critical aspects of self-care include maintaining a balanced, healthy diet, and getting regular exercise. You may also want to fill in any nutritional gaps in your diet with mood-boosting supplements. For example, studies have shown that probiotics, vitamin D, and vitamin K all play a role in reducing symptoms of depression.

“When you’re treated badly by another person, it’s easy to start to believe that you deserve to be treated poorly,” says Angela Amias, LCSW, a therapist and co-founder of Alchemy of Love. “Practicing self-care and showing yourself love is a way to remind yourself that you deserve to be treated well and you deserve love.”

3. Swear off guilt, shame, and blame

After getting out of a toxic relationship, it might be tempting to look back and think, “Why didn’t I leave sooner?” or “It’s all my fault, I should’ve done [XYZ.]”

“The most common question that clients ask me as they are healing after a toxic relationship is ‘Why didn’t I see what was happening?’ says Amias.

But spiraling into these kinds of thought patterns can be very destructive to your healing process, says Tessina. While guilt and shame are natural human emotions, they won’t serve you right now as you seek to build yourself up after a traumatic experience.

“Practice self-compassion,” says Paige Rechtman, a licensed psychotherapist. “I always find this quote helpful: ‘I did the best that I could knowing what I did at the time.’ Being kind to yourself as you heal from the experience and forgiving yourself for any mistakes you made during the relationship will help you to move forward.”

According to Tessina, blame can be a slippery slope, too. While your ex may have done and said things you didn’t like, fixating on them may only stoke your anger and resentment, and leave you feeling worse. That’s why Tessina recommends shifting your mindset toward more neutral thoughts, like "We saw things very differently" or "We had some good years, then things changed."

“Blaming will just keep you stuck,” she says. “Focus on figuring out how not to repeat mistakes, and how to recognize toxic people when you meet them.”

If your ex was abusive, resist taking any responsibility for their behavior. Remember: someone else’s hurtful behavior is never your fault.

4. Write down some lists for intentional dating

After getting out of a toxic relationship, Silber advises evaluating two things:

“The ending of a relationship provides a great opportunity to reevaluate what we were tolerating and so much more,” she says.

Rechtman suggests making a list of all the traits your previous partner had that you appreciated, and another list of the ones you didn’t. For instance, you may have loved their spontaneity and affection, but disliked their fiery temper and unpredictability. On the side of the list with all their desirable qualities, start adding in more that you’d like to see in your next partner — say, a calmer demeanor, or emotional maturity.

Next, make two more lists: one of all the things you felt good about in that last relationship, and another of all the things that weren’t serving you. For instance, maybe you felt like you were very generous with your time and love, but you regret not standing up for yourself more. On the side of the list with all your strengths, start adding in things you’d like to improve on.

This process will not only help you to reflect on where there’s room for personal growth, but also on what you’re looking for in a healthier relationship down the line — so that when you find it, you’ll be able to more easily recognize it.

5. Start journaling

“After a toxic relationship ends, your head can be a wild mix of emotions,” says Amias. “It helps to get all this on the page, where you can start to see things more clearly, especially with time. That’s why I recommend clients start a daily journaling practice.”

There are no hard or fast rules for journaling, either. You can use this safe space to recall specific memories, process your feelings, or whatever feels helpful to you in the moment.

Note: According to Amias, journaling can be especially helpful if your partner gaslighted you in any way.

“Having a written record of your memories of what happened can help ground you in reality when you start to doubt your perception,” she adds.

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6. Practice boundary-setting

Knowing how to say no is a key component of any healthy relationship. But sometimes, that can fall by the wayside in toxic relationships. Maybe you were so consumed with pleasing your partner that you lost sight of your own needs and wants, or maybe you just lost your voice out of fear of how they’d react if you didn’t do something.

“Your sense of what’s normal is likely skewed from the boundary violations that are often part of toxic relationships,” Amias says. “Expressing how you feel without worrying about how the other person responds is difficult, especially at first. But learning how to say no and have firm boundaries is actually a way of showing yourself and the other person respect.”

It’s a good idea to start practice boundary-setting now — so you’re a pro by the time you get into another relationship. Here are some simple tips to get started:

7. Reach out to a therapist

If after ending your toxic relationship you’re having any trouble getting work done, maintaining relationships with loved ones, taking care of yourself, or fulfilling other responsibilities, Rechtman says it might be time to seek out some extra support from a mental health professional.

“Don't hesitate to get therapy to help you through this transition, so you can grieve what's lost and shift your focus onto building a happy, healthy life,” says Tessina.

There are many benefits to working with a therapist — like unpacking and working through a fear of dating or trust issues that resulted from your previous toxic relationship.

“Being in a toxic relationship is like living inside a snow globe,” adds Amias. “It’s hard to get a clear sense of what’s happening. A therapist will help you step outside the snow globe so you can see the relationship from a more objective, distant perspective.”

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You love your partner. You share a life. But your relationship doesn’t exist in a bubble. It can often be tested by outside forces and stressors, including interference from close or extended family members. And the way you deal with those family-related issues can either strengthen or weaken your bond, regardless of how much you love each other.

“Navigating family issues as a couple is tricky, because all families have different family rules,” says Angela Amias, LCSW, a couples therapist and the co-founder of Alchemy of Love, which provides online relationship programs for couples. “When you grow up in a family, it’s easy to assume that your rules are normal. But many families have rigid and unhealthy expectations that end up causing conflict for couples.”

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So how do you navigate the impact of family expectations and conflict on your relationship?

How Family Drama Affects Romantic Relationships

 According to clinical psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. Dena DiNardo, any problematic dynamic in a family of origin can become a problem in your romantic relationship, from intrusive parents to a sibling struggling with addiction. When one partner notices problems and speaks up, it can cause tension.

“Partners usually have an easier time observing what’s happening within a family that is not immediately their own,” says DiNardo. “Although they are not always exactly correct, there’s often a lot of validity to what they notice.”

“For many men, especially men who either don’t see (or don’t want to see) what’s going on in their family, this will cause a fight or conflict within the romantic relationship, which further distracts them from the problematic dynamics in the family of origin,” she adds.

You may be in the opposite scenario, where your partner is putting pressure on you to go along with dysfunctional family rules without complaining. Regardless of your specific situation, the steps below can help you safeguard your relationship against family drama.

Steps to Follow When Family Interferes with Your Relationship

1. Tune Into Your Feelings

First, it’s important to pay attention to how you’re feeling about the situation, says Amias. According to her, this may be easier to do when your partner’s family creates tension in your relationship (you’re bothered!). When your own family is causing the issues, things can get complicated.

For example, you’ll want to pause and tune into your feelings before snapping at your partner for complaining about your mother’s nightly phone calls.

“It can be hard to admit having negative feelings about a parent because it triggers guilt, but recognizing your guilt is the first step to setting healthy boundaries to protect your relationship,” adds Amias.

2. Discuss and Identify the Issues

The second step is discussing and identifying the issues with your partner with the goal of understanding the situation and gaining clarity, according to Amias.

“Once you understand the problem better, you can start exploring different options for responding to it,” she says. Being a good listener is as crucial as being an honest communicator here.

“Listen, with an open mind to your partner’s perspective of what’s going on, even if you don’t agree,” says DiNardo.

3. Stop Going Along with Dysfunctional Expectations

Maybe you’ve discussed the fact that when your partner talks about your marital problems with her sister, it makes you feel uncomfortable and ganged-up upon. Or perhaps you’ve realized that your decisions are too influenced by your father’s expectations — and it’s making your partner feel resentful.

After you’ve successfully identified the issues and how they’re making you feel, the next step is to stop going along with the dysfunction.

“If the family issue is coming from your family, don’t pressure your partner to go along with dysfunctional family expectations,” says Amias. “Similarly, if it’s your partner’s family issues that are causing conflict in your relationship, remind yourself that you don’t have to follow their family rules in order to keep the peace in the family.”

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If it feels hard to communicate about this and confront things head-on, DiNardo recommends individual, couples or family therapy to address and change the problematic dynamics.

4. Support Each Other and Prioritize Your Relationship

As you start shifting the way you relate with your family, there might be pushback. Amias suggests looking for ways to support each other as a couple.

“Family issues can put a lot of strain on relationships,” she says. “When couples aren’t able to support each other and put their relationship first, unresolved family issues are one of the top reasons why relationships end. If you value your relationship, make sure you’re prioritizing working together with your partner over trying to please members of your family.”

“Look at the conflict as objectively as possible and come up with a couple of different strategies for change,” DiNardo adds.

The idea is not to alienate family members or fall into an “us vs. them” mindset. It’s to prioritize and protect your relationship and find compromises that work for both you and your partner while setting healthy boundaries with family.

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Following the steps above does not guarantee a happy ending, but failing to do so is a recipe for disaster. You can’t control what family members do and how they react. However, if both you and your partner stay dedicated to transforming the situation and continue to uphold your boundaries, your relationship can survive family drama and flourish.

“Relationships can and do suffer significantly due to unresolved problems with the family of origin,” says DiNardo. “Often this is due to a lack of boundaries between the family of origin and the couple.”

“Some relationships will end,” she adds. “Some will go on with one or both partners significantly suffering, but not knowing what else to do. And some will grow for having invested a lot of open-minded thinking, awareness, and change.”

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You’ve probably heard that you need to sleep eight hours a day. If you’re like a third of Americans, you probably don’t. But is that eight-hour rule universal? Experts say that it’s a rough guideline more than an absolute truth, but it’s crucial to get enough sleep and determine what that looks like for you.

“Lack of sleep can be detrimental to our overall health, affecting our mood, judgment, and ability to learn and make decisions. Lack of sleep can also delay our body's ability to heal and recover from illness, and can increase the risk of heart disease, stroke, diabetes, obesity, depression, and anxiety,” according to Vanessa Osorio, a sleep expert and Certified Sleep Science Coach at Sleepopolis. “Similarly, getting too much sleep can also be detrimental to our overall health and has been linked to diabetes, heart disease, depression, anxiety, and increased risk of death.”

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Factors That Influence Sleep Needs

Age plays a huge role in sleep recommendations. Babies, children and teens need more sleep than adults and seniors. CDC guidelines state that adults between the ages of 18 and 60 should get seven or more hours per night. But genetics also influence how much sleep you need, and this is where things get less black and white.

“Sleep need is genetically determined, just like your height or eye color. Studies suggest most of us need between 7.5 and 9 hours, but 13.5% of the population needs 9 hours or more,” says Jeff Kahn, sleep expert and CEO and co-founder of Rise Science, makers of the sleep and energy app RISE. According to Kahn, you will require more sleep than your baseline if you’re sick, recovering from strenuous exercise, pregnant or paying back sleep debt.

“When you don't get sufficient healthy sleep on a nightly basis, you build up what's called sleep debt,” he says. According to him, sleep debt can be acute (built up over less than a month) or chronic (built up over months/years). You can recover faster from the acute kind, while chronic sleep debt is more enduring.

Signs You’re Not Getting Enough Sleep

Cedars Sinai lists potential sleep deprivations symptoms as drowsiness, inability to concentrate, memory problems, decreased physical strength, and decreased ability to fight off infections. Your appearance and food cravings can also reveal the impact of a lack of Zzzs, according to WebMD: If you battle breakouts, have puffy or red eyes or dark circles, or are craving junk food, you may be sleep-deprived.

“Sleep debt leaves you groggy, irritable, prone towards procrastination, lacking willpower and motivation, and susceptible to illness at the acute end of the spectrum, and leads to metabolic dysfunction, mental health disorders, and chronic health problems at the chronic end of the spectrum,” adds Kahn.

Too Much of a Good Thing

While undersleeping tends to be more of a common occurrence, it’s possible to sleep too much for your own good. “Occasionally sleeping in when you’re sick or tired from an extra stressful day of work isn’t concerning, but if you suddenly need to sleep for more than 10 hours every night, it might be time to take a deeper look into your sleep health,” according to SleepScore Labs.

If you feel sleepy throughout the day no matter how much you sleep, and if it’s accompanied by symptoms such as a lack of motivation and low energy during the day, you may be oversleeping. Keep in mind that this can be caused by underlying health conditions, so it’s important to talk to your doctor about it.

Finding Your Sleep Sweet Spot

“For men who are trying to find their sweet spot in terms of how much sleep they should get per night, I first recommend that they try to understand their individual chronotype, also known as their internal biological clock,” says Osorio.

According to her, you should adopt a trial-and-error approach to understanding your unique rhythms and needs. For example, try getting seven hours of sleep every night for a week straight, then increase that number by 30-minute increments weekly until you get to nine hours. Keep a sleep diary of your observations at the end of each week — how did you feel energy-wise? “This can help you determine when you feel your best and what sleep quantity correlates with your individual chronotype and is ideal for optimal performance and well-being,” says Osorio.

Kahn recommends the no-alarm method for five days. Try waking up without an alarm for at least five days, as that window is usually necessary for repaying sleep debt. Then, assess how long you naturally sleep for. “That's a good indication of your baseline need. The non-analog/digital/much better way to figure this out is to use our RISE app, which will ingest the sleep data Apple or Google are already collecting for you, and tell you your unique sleep need in hours and minutes,” he says.

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