Lets say the oil companies get wind of my new free energy device.  First thing they would do is google my name.  13,300 results for James Lyngaas.  Well everything on the first couple pages are mine.  It found lyngaas.net, thesmartass.info, facebook.com/thesmartass.  It found a linkedin profile, 2 of my blogs, an archive.org profile, a ted.com profile, google profile, a flickr profile, ancestry.com relatives, profiles of my friends and well going to a couple of those sites or profiles would indicate my username is normally trimidium.  So I googled my username and found 4,690 results and well just about all of them are from me.  It found my artwork, it found answers to questions I have given on yahoo, it found forum posts I have made, Well even if it didn’t find them on Google, you could go to popular sites and look up my profiles there.

Want to see what I was doing recently?  Then you need only filter the google search results to show stuff in the last week.  Want to know what my interests are?  Then look for my wish list at amazon, or find what I subscribe to on twitter.  Want to know my political status?  Just search my blogs for keywords (of course, even if you didn’t know it you voted for Bush a few years ago).  When was I online last, hmm, lets check with instant messenger profiles.  Music status?  I have 2 different last.fm accounts and a Pandora account.  I haven’t used a dating site in several years, but there are still old profiles out there.  Even if i Deleted them you could find them cached on archive.org and find out lots of personal info from it. Public tax info can fill in job, address, income, debt etc…  You ever fill out a census (the most invasive survey ever)?

Delusions of privacy ~~~
I showed up to a job interview one day and the guy had a printout of my myspace profile which said James (AKA The Smartass) and I had to “explain” it to him.  I thought it was none of his business and it certainly had nothing to do with how good I could fix computers, but it dawned on me.  Privacy is just an illusion, so is truth, every single thing is just the perspective we spin it with.  I believed having a website called thesmartass had nothing to do with fixing a computer, but the person who was interviewing did not believe this. I wanted to be his wage slave, so I had to smooth it over with him (I did end up getting that job).  

Spin is everything.  So much so in America that there is no reason to kill people these days.  You just put them in terrible debt and discredit them.  If they really start to step on your toes you just google them, see what bad shit they have been doing online and then setup a perfectly legal way to bust them for it.  Having trouble thinking up something to bust me for?  Well per the patriot act I have no freedoms.  So for absolutely no reason one day I could disappear because Homeland Security declared me a terrorist. 

In fact, this post will probably get flagged by some agency just because of the words I am using, since they can filter out keywords right through Google News (which generates feeds based on known blogs etc).  Or a robot will come to this page, and read for other words, and if enough words are flagged a real person will check out the page and assess if I pose a threat. 

Maybe my own site is secure, but perhaps one of the forums I post on is not, and perhaps somebody finds a backdoor into that forum and they determine one of my passwords.  Well if I used this password on other sites, then they can go back to all those other sites and try to get in with that password.  Or maybe they will just start sending me phishing emails (which a lot of people are dumb enough to fill out) and get me to try to login to sites that I am a member of, only the sites just look like that site. 

I once had a job offer from a legitimate private investigator to hack into people’s myspace and facebook accounts to determine where people were and what they were doing.  I flatly refused, as I am not ignorant and know that is highly illegal and unethical.  However since I didn’t do it, I’m sure he just found somebody else who would.

I don’t even see the need to break into those since since you can find so much on google and then make your way back to other things.  Then I don’t even need to pay somebody to analyze these things since most of these big public sites have beautiful API’s and they can extract your data, and mash it up with google maps, show your exact routine, dating preferences, twitter subscriptions, political affiliation, religious beliefs, friends, jobs, tax info, etc… You are being profiled and assessed right now. 

These are things that anybody can do and I didn’t write this to scare you.  Think about it though, if you are still a kid, then your parents are probably scared shitless of you getting hurt so they might be using a keylogger on your system and seeing everything you type.  They do it out of fear and love, however jaded it is.  But what if you scared the gov’t mule?  Well if I had a gov’t agency at my disposal and you scared me I would develop my own meta search engine and have it cross reference every name with usernames and then auto mashup every profile site into nice TPS reports for me. 

Despite these things I actually believe in open source and am thrilled shitless that these sites all offer public data.  Even government is starting to look towards providing raw data online.  I don’t mind the massive amount of information at all, because I have given up the extremely ignorant belief in personal privacy. 

I still remember when I was in my Junior year of High school and my school switched from wonderful yellow tickets to a card that got read by the computer, which had our social security numbers printed right on the front of the card below the bar code.  Parents threw a shitfit and the next year that was changed to a different number.  The old system wasn’t broken, it even worked better and faster.  However the old system didn’t harvest data.  The new system did and data is the new gold standard.

The world we live in is going to increase available data exponentially and there is no such thing as being anonymous on the internet anymore.  You post a comment on any page ever and it spits out an IP address.  I can trace that IP address back to your ISP in a couple seconds if you aren’t using an anonymous proxy.  If you ever did anything really bad on the internet somebody would subpoena the ISP for their logs, which would tie back to your name, and they would throw your real name and username all over the web until they found a bunch of other junk to charge you with. 

So you now know that you are not anonymous anymore.  Don’t be scared of it, as fear causes endless problems.  I for one think I am going to start posting comments and things with my actual name.  Because then I will be more conscious of what I say. 

How screwed are you?  You are 100% screwed if you use the internet more than once a week.  So just get over it and break your illusions of privacy and security and just start being a nice person online.  Try not to piss anybody off too badly, or else be prepared to change your name and start paying people to leave false clues on all your old sites through the tor network and even then if you land on the oil companies shitlist, you are probably still screwed.  I have too many friends I don’t want to stop talking to.  I have too many sites I visit that I don’t want to quit visiting, I don’t want to move to a new country and start all over as a farmer with no computer.

So fuck it, I am James Lyngaas, and I have no delusions of privacy.

Thing is no matter how much you tweak shit, you still have to connect to that shithouse ISP, and they can limit you in all sorts uncomfortable ways (not so unlike the back of a Volkswagen Beetle).  When I was paying for “FAST” speed which was a laughable 3mbps (and I was being raped on bandwidth).

So the only solution I see is instead of trying to squeeze more speed out of your ISP, I suggest you start bridging together your internet connection with, say your entire town. 

I have theorized how to do this long ago, but now I will freely give the info to the world. 

1. Build a cantenna.  Basically a pringles can, or a nice beef stew can.  They actually produce these nice 2ghz signals that are perfect for wifi.  You can also build them just by raiding your pantry.  (Just google “cantenna tutorial”). 
2. Take satellite dish on your roof for the crappy tv service you are no longer paying for (since you just plan to download all your tv shows for free onlinem when you have faster speed) and attach your cantenna to the satellite dish so that you are now bouncing your 2ghz something signal off of a big ass satellite dish.  This in turn gives you about 10 miles (16 kilometers) worth of directional wifi, surely there will be some open connections in this range.  Just adjust satellite until you find direction with several open connections.  You could quit right here and not pay for internet, but that doesn’t help your speed.
3. Once you get your first signal working off of this, you should attach more cans to the satellite dish,  (or to your neighbor’s dish) and run that into another network card.  Yes this step requires you to purchase multiple network cards, but for the experiment 2 will do.
4. Now those internet connections don’t work together.  They just switch what they are doing and confuse the crap out of your browser.  So you need to develop a packet control software.  It should work basically just like bittorrent.  The data you request should be converted to hash on the fly by the software and then sent as packet requests through multiple connections.  As the data came back in the hash file would verify the data and reconstruct it to usable data. 

This may sound tricky, but I think it would be really easy with a couple talented developers to bridge multiple internet connections and convert the data to hash packets and bring it back.  All you are doing is building a router for multiple connections.  The potential of this system could take just your neighborhood and turn it into a 50mbps wireless connection, and if there were bandwidth restrictions they would become non-issues since you would only be getting a little data from many places. 

This would also prevent legal issues (if you had permission to use the connections you were bridging) for copyright violations since no one IP address would be logged as having downloaded ANYTHING.  As far as the ISP is concerned your IP only downloaded lets say 120 random packets of that Metallica Discography and that’s not enough to charge you with. 

This is part of a bigger idea I have to free the world, so check back on thesmartass.info in a couple months for a free draft on rewriting the world.

1. Replace boyfriend… As a woman it’s not that tough to get a guy, and the first month or so of new relationship the guy is never lazy as he is working his ass off to impress you.
2. Withhold sex until he washes the dishes.  Personally I would despise this tactic, and it won’t change him… only make him resent you a little bit more each time the tactic is used, however it’s quite effective.
3. Change the things you require him to do.  Instead of asking him to clean the kitchen, ask him to chop down a tree, or to go shoot a deer for dinner.  The manliness factor increases the desire to work, as well as the pride when finished.
4. Stop dating.  Then nobody will ever have to live up to your standards so you will never be disappointed.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. ~Jules Renard

The first thing that came to my mind upon reading this question was to say that my band performs all over this region and that she has probably seen us play. 

Or perhaps you could say, no I’m afraid not.  As a contract killer, I have developed my focus to exceptional levels and could not have possibly forgotten her face. 

More:  Perhaps you saw me in the old TV show Benson?
This is easy:  I used to own a pet store out on (list an area where there is a pet store), but I sold it a couple years ago.

If you want to do it in the style of actual pick up artists who write books about such things, then you would want to start “negging” her.  Basically smiling while you insult her about about some little thing that people would normally compliment her on. 

I still say, go with a random profession off the top of your head that sounds interesting and rare.  It won’t matter if you say yes or no then, as you will already be an interesting person, worth talking to.

If all else fails you could… dare I say it, try honesty.  Just say “not that I can recall, but I’m Bob [insert very big sincere smile here]“. 

There is no way to say exactly which movie you were watching though as she was in at least 1/3 of all the porn movies back then, but porno’s back then were made to be funny so i’m sure you can find a movie or 3 that are to your liking.  Good luck on finding the specific movie you want. 

As an interesting note she has slept with both Charlie Sheen and Tracy Lords

2) Diaphragm Breathing. Basically you just breath in, hold your breath for twice as long as your inhaled and then exhale slowly. Do this 10 times in a row for a very strong cleansing effect. This works because all of the cells in your body are surrounded by lymph nodes which are basically just oxygen powered garbage disposals. So by holding your breath it gives the oxygen time to circulate through the system and collect it’s garbage.

If you prefer a numerical answer then ask Google.com and you will get a nice numerical answer.

If only to protect the secret of your castration you will need to ball up and kiss her.

I believe this has developed as part of an evolutionary way to help keep keep the balance of power tilted in their favor.

Belief aside, this and many other sabotaging behaviors that women often exhibit are all part of the fact that they are natural born drama junkies.

No use fighting it. It’s human nature and can only be changed by the women making the conscious decision to ignore her first instinct.

Drugs should cause you to pee even more than your normally do since your body is working double time. So unless you are being retarded and not drinking enough liquid to keep up, you will pee more. Drink WAY MORE liquids if you are doing drugs and if you have a brain, quit meth.

I’m sure you are younger than I am, which does dictate some of the behavior but I once kissed a girl within 5 minutes of meeting her. You just have to look for IOI’s (indicators of interest) and when they are there you can go in for the kiss. Just be sure you are touching her a lot before you go in for the kiss. If you put your hand on her leg or grab her hand she should not pull away. If she doesn’t and seems to genuinely like you then just go really close to her face… I mean Really close to her face and wait for her to go in for the kiss.

If you have been making her laugh you can always tell her in a joking way that “it’s really obvious that you want to kiss me” (you are saying this to her), and check her reaction and the conversation should lead to her kissing you.

It’s quite simple. Are you a girl? If not, is your best friend gay?

If you answered yes to either question then I am sure you friend will be more than thrilled to get a free blow job.

If however you answered no to those questions then your friend, though he would enjoy the blowjob would be to weirded out to enjoy it and would probably just stop talking to you.

If you would prefer some nicer (fru-fru) advice try one of the below resources:

http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Laziness
http://www.marathonfamily.com/Default.aspx?tabid=124
http://www.quickiesheets.com/blog/2006/08/22/how-to-stop-being-lazy/

Medical Causes of Bad Breath
1. Sinus infections & abnormal sinus anatomies, post nasal drainage (drips)
2. Tonsilar infections or tonsiloliths
3. Lung diseases
4. Kidney diseases
5. Liver diseases
6. Blood disorders
7. Diabetes
8. Gallbladder dysfunction
9. Menstruation
10. Carcinomas
11. Certain foods

Dental Causes of Bad Breath
1. Extensive dental decay
2. Periodontal (gum) disease
3. Oral infections or abscesses
4. Oral cancers
5. Xerostomia (dry mouth condition). Many medications can contribute to a condition of xerostomia.
6. Oral conditions resulting from post-nasal drips or discharges
7. Allergy conditions
8. A proliferation of specific types of gram (-) anaerobic bacteria.

Beyond these you might consider trying to “cleanse” out your organs. Liver, kidney, colon etc.. because doing that will improve your digestion and your body will better be able to process all the crap you throw at it without making you blow out putrid smelling liquid. There are tons of cleanses at www.curezone.com

Single/Dating – Theoretically Single, but not really – Officially Not Single – Single for 2 days – Not Single for a couple weeks – Single and NOT dating – Not listening to my own rule and therefor once again Not Single.

In case I end up on the single or dating category again you would best want to read the application form.

See The Full List

To my surprise there was a huge list of videos about chidren, but they all seemed to be on various things. One video on chidren was “chidren of bodom – silent night, bodom night”.

The most popular result was “T-Rex – Chidren of the Revolution“.

Best I could determine, chidren was another word for music video, and I do rather like music videos, though I don’t know if I care all that much.

REMINDER: I have decided that for all the questions people ask me that I have already answered, or deem unworthy to even answer by making fun of you; I will instead ask Google Images and choose a picture at random. It would seem just as valid an answer.

1) will i ever go live with kimora lee simmons
2) will i ever get to livewith kimoa lee simmons
3) will kimora adopt me

My immediate thought for this was NO. I mean why would a model adopt you? However I looked into this woman a bit and discovered she has almost a fetish for dogs. So, if you are in fact a dog and you go up to her with little puppy dog eyes and start begging or humping her leg, she will either say “oh, what a cute little doggy” and adopt you, or she will put a restraining order on you (but hey, at least you got to hump her leg).

Either way I see it as a win/win for you.

Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Stephen is more interested in building a relationship with an intelligent girl. Somebody he considers his intellectual equal, and well that’s not you. He only loved to fuck you, but hated all the drama you caused and since he had been careful to not get you pregnant, he has moved onto other girls, hoping to find a smart girl with minimal drama.

Life is cruel, best to spend your time without him learning how to write a sentence and perhaps some simple things like “a submit button only needs to be clicked once”.

FYI: I have decided that for all the questions people ask me that I have already answered, or deem unworthy to even answer by making fun of you, I will instead ask Google Images and choose a picture at random, since it’s obviously just as valid an answer.

STD = Sexually Transmitted Disease
Sex = You put the lime in coconut, and drank them both up. Wait no, that was a Harry Nilsson song.
Sex = When the penis enters the vagina. Hmm, no I will get some argument from gays/lesbians on that.

Hmm, lets ask Google to define sex.

1) Sex is a highly-designed coffee table book written by Madonna with photographs by Steven Meisel Studio and film frames shot by Fabien Baron, released October 21 1992 by Warner Books.
2) A Tila Tequila EP
3) Tell the sex (of young chickens)
4) “Sex” is the second single from German industrial metal group OOMPH! off of Sperm.
5) The properties that distinguish organisms on the basis of their reproductive roles; “she didn’t want to know the sex of the foetus”.

Okay, no wonder there is so much confusion. Nobody knows what the hell sex is. So if I decided to go with definition #2, a Tila Tequila EP; It might indeed be possible to transmit a disease into a cut with spitting.

However my suggestion is to come up with your own definition of sex, preferably one that involves penetration and then you will be safe from getting an STD by spit. Unless of course you were not referring to saliva but rather to jizz, and maybe the cut you were referring to happens to not be a cut so much as a slit etc..

Tell ya what. To be on the safe side you should just never ever have anything that could be defined as sex, and then you will save us all from being infected by you.

I think you need to be more concerned about a people torpedo system.

So, how do you make this work for you? My suggestions are as such… First abandon the sun. You don’t need it. Pale wins. Ok, step two, cover yourself in bacon grease before going to bed, this will assure a nice assortment of zits. Step three, become filthy stinking rich. (This is easily achieved by marrying a sugar momma.) At this point you should have all the requirements to properly mind control women.

Second part of your question, do you need to buy something? Yes, without food you will die.

However, if you are a girl then it’s ok [insert hypocritical double standard here]. The people you are dating might not see it that way, unless you try to “combine your relationships” together… but all other guys will see this as hot knowing there is a possibility of a 3 some with another girl.

One thing for sure… I will never do that again… I mean what the fuck WAS I thinking???