Anything but Gatorade

AbG CONTINUES ON TUMBLR

2011-12-06T14:09:00.002-05:00

In case you weren't aware, the legend of Anything but Gatorade continues on Tumblr here: www.anythingbutgatorade.tumblr.com. It's more pictures and occasional blurbs about sports. Try it, you'll like it.

ADIOS, MUCHACHOS Y MUCHACHAS

2011-11-02T16:56:00.000-04:00

Hey, y'all, it's your favorite hybrid UK/Vandy blogger here. Just wanted to let you loyal readers (yes, all eight of you!) know that this is probably my last post on Anything but Gatorade. I'll still tweet because that's fun (follow me @AbGatorade !) and I'll probably do some fan posts about how Matt Jones sucks or something over on A Sea of Blue (assuming Glenn will still have me) or maybe even Vanderbilt Sports Line or Moral Victory! or Anchor of Gold, but my time here is done. Work and stuff, you know the drill. It's been a lot of fun, posting pictures of passed-out drunk chicks and cats with monocles, but like all good things, this too must pass.

As an aside, is it weird that I follow just two UK blogs and lots more Vandy ones? I think it's probably because, while there a kajillion UK blogs, only two of them are any good, and the comments section on one of them (KSR) is worse than AIDS. Those Vandy blogs are fun, though. Those dudes RT @me and everything! Good times.

Where was I? Oh yes, the leaving. Hope everyone enjoyed it while it was here, and have a great basketball season!

VANDERBILT HAS A CHANCE AGAINST GEORGIA

2011-10-14T08:45:00.000-04:00

That is ADORABLE. via SBNation.

Kentucky has a bye week, so for the first time in a month, we can guarantee they won't lose on Saturday. Vanderbilt hosts the Georgia Bulldogs, a team that is a riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a tortilla. The Dawgs, as stupid Georgia fans are wont to call them, are 4-2 right now and fresh off 3 straight SEC wins against average SEC teams. Vanderbilt, presumably 100% recovered from the butchery they endured at the hands of Alabama last week, nonetheless has a chance against Georgia. John Madden would tell you that to win the game, Vanderbilt must score more points that the other guy, and then eat a fried turkey leg with a gravy dipper. John Madden, football genius.

No clue who's gonna start at quarterback on Saturday, but it's Larry Smith. Save your vitriol for your wide receivers, Commies fans. Have fun!

KENTUCKY FOOTBALL: STATE OF THE PROGRAM

2011-10-11T10:25:00.000-04:00

I didn't even watch the game on Saturday. Didn't watch any games. I drank beer on a buddy's farm, drove some ATV's, rode horses, played with my kid, and generally enjoyed the weather. It was a great day.

KEYS TO THE GAME: KENTUCKY AT SOUTH CAROLINA

2011-10-05T09:36:00.000-04:00

I don't know what's going on there, but I like it.

Remember when I used to do Q&A's with bloggers that covered other teams? Man, those were the days. Here's what Kentucky needs to do to beat South Caro....hahahahah, I almost got through that sentence.

1) Teach the offense how to also play defense. I don't know if you knew this or not, but Melvin Ingram, SCar's starting defensive end has scored more touchdowns (3) than our entire roster of running backs combined. He's also caught two interceptions. Defensive end, folks. He lines up ten feet away from the quarterback. Two interceptions. He's questionable to play on Saturday, but just in case, let's hope Kentucky's vaunted O-line learns to tackle.

2) Teach the defense how to run block. Sure, Steve Spurrier's gotten a lot of press this week about how he's "finally" sending Steven Garcia to the bench and starting Connor Shaw. Sure he is. We all know how hard it's been for you to quit ol' Stevie Interception, Ball Coach. He's like a bad penny, keeps turning up in the lineup even though he's hungover, brought a freshman from Pi Phi to the team meeting, threw three interceptions, and has almost as many negative rushing yards as Morgan Newton. Stevie G. and his floating pal, shirtless Matthew McConnaughey will be out there, and Kentucky's secondary needs to be ready.

3) Solve for Marcus Lattimore. (1) Identify that the Kentucky defense needs to stop Marcus Lattimore. (2) ?????????????? (3) Profit!

4) Oh yeah, Alshon Jeffrey. Out of keys here. Good luck, Wildcats.

RANDY SANDERS ORDERS CHINESE TAKEOUT

2011-10-04T13:26:00.000-04:00

This is how I wear my sunglasses.

SCENE: Coach Sanders's office at the Nutter Training Center. A screen showing film of Kentucky's loss to LSU flickers in the background, and water drips though a sagging ceiling tile onto the floor. A bucket, presumably to be used for catching said drips, is oddly place two feet to the left of the pooling water.

Golly, I've been watching this game film for hours, and I still don't see how those linebackers, safeties, defensive ends, defensive tackles, and defensive backs managed to get to Morgan Newton so fast on Saturday! It's like an enigma! But boy, I sure am hungry. In the mood for some Chinese takeout, I think. Lemme grab the old Lexington phone book here, I know there's some good Oriental eating to be had around these parts.

/picks up 1998 Lexington Bell South phone book

Ah, let's see here. Here's one, Wok 'n' Go, 273-4000. Sounds like a winner.

/dials 694-6279

COACH SANDERS: Hello, Wok 'n' Go? I'd like to order a Number 33 Sesame Chicken with a side of pork fried rice.

VOICE ON OTHER END: Uh, this isn't Wok 'n' Go. I think you have the wrong number.

COACH SANDERS: It's not? Isn't this 273-4000?

VOICE: No, this is Jim, it's a private residence, and the phone number is 694-6279. You probably dialed the wrong number.

COACH SANDERS: Gosh, gee! Sorry about that. Have a good day, I'll try again!

/voice hangs up.

COACH SANDERS: Okay, let's do this again. 273-4000...

/hits redial

COACH SANDERS: Wok 'n' Go? Hi, I'd like a Number 33

/cut off by voice

VOICE: No, no, this is Jim again. You've got the wrong number.

COACH SANDERS: Really? Twice in a row, huh? Go figure. Sorry 'bout that.

VOICE: No problem. Bye.

/hangs up

COACH SANDERS: Geez, this is nuts! How'd I do that twice in a row? The odds! Okay, lemme be sure this time...

/actually dials 273-4000

COACH SANDERS: Wok 'n' Go? Hi, I'd like a Number 33 with pork fried rice.

NEW VOICE ON OTHER END: Uh, dude, this is Five Guys Burgers & Fries. Wok 'n' Go closed up five years ago.

COACH SANDERS: What? But that's the number in the phone book! I'm lookin' at it right here!

NEW VOICE: No, man, they're closed. This is Five Guys.

COACH SANDERS: Well, gee. I give up. Tell you what, Five Guy, I'll go ahead and order from you. I'll take your Number 3 value meal, whatever that is, with a coke and fries. How about that?

NEW VOICE: Uh, okay.

COACH SANDERS: I'm on my way!

/runs into door three times before opening it to leave office
//picks up Number 1 value meal with chips and a diet slice instead of Number 3 value meal
///runs Kentucky offense into the ground

FIN.

DEATH...WAS EXPECTED

2011-10-03T08:44:00.000-04:00

As expected, LSU pounded Kentucky into a fine powder and sprinkled them all over a delicious fried alligator with a side of jambalaya on Saturday afternoon. Kentucky did, however, manage to make it out of Baton Rouge without much in the way of injuries. Kentucky almost made it an entire half without making a first down, and the new vogue prop bet for the season should now be "number of three and outs before UK's offense gains 10 yards in one possession." Our next opponent is South Carolina, so I'll go ahead and set the line at 4.

I think the Cats' defense played pretty well considering they were on the field for the entire first half. Offensively, though, they were terrible. Clemons did okay running the ball, but Newton couldn't complete a third down pass to a wide open Roddy White. Matt Jones says Newton's not the problem, and he's not all wrong, but the guy is not at all accurate, he locks onto his receivers like they're Beyonce doing a striptease, and the clock in his head on passing downs must be a rooster that died on the way to the stadium. It doesn't work.

Good news is, Vanderbilt had a bye week to prepare against a Crimson Tide team that made Florida look like shit in Gainesville on Saturday night. Yippee!

CATS, DORES TO PLAY TEAMS PLAYING FOR NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP

2011-09-29T14:22:00.001-04:00

Gonna need her on offense. Via RoboShark

Kentucky and Vandy's upcoming opponents are both in the SEC West, both coached by crazy people (Miles = crazyhaha; Saban = crazywillkillyou), and, conveniently, both with designs on winning this year's mythical national championship. The only thing about Kentucky's game against LSU that give me any hope are that it's a noon (11 Central!) kickoff, so those psychopath Tahgers fans won't have as much time to get boozed up and angry at us for invading their personal space. There's also their less-than-stellar pass defense (statistically speaking), but that hope is dashed with the realization that Kentucky's receivers have about as many drops as catches this season. So it'll be a blood bath, but maybe LSU will do some crazy fun stuff like punt on 2nd down just for fun.

Vanderbilt is playing at Alabama next weekend, and boy isn't that going to be fun. Okay, it might actually be fun if the Vanderbilt offense can move the ball, otherwise it'll only be fun for people into snuff films. I'm assuming that, outside of Columbus, Ohio, there aren't too many of those. That's not to say that the Dores don't have a chance, but it's a night game in Tuscaloosa against a defense that basically behaves like that one fat kid in elementary school who won all his playground fights by knocking you down and sitting on you until you gave up. That's pretty much it. However, if we know anything about James Franklin (and I don't), it's that he's working hard to put something in the offense that gets his team some kind of advantage, however small it may be. Looking forward to it.

ALSO: Speaking of National Championships of the actual, tournament-based variety, Kentucky and Vanderbilt sure are showing up on a lot of top 10 and even top 5 lists the past few weeks. Unfortunately, we don't get to find out who's actually better until they play TWICE IN TWO WEEKS in February, 2012. FUN FUN FUN FUN LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEE-EEK END!!!!

LOSING WEEKEND TRANSLATE INTO MORE LOSING WEEKENDS

2011-09-27T13:48:00.000-04:00

I'll try not to make this a TL;DR post. Kentucky football is pretty bad this year. We'll be lucky if the team bus leaving Baton Rouge on Saturday night isn't light a player who is out with a "death by playing LSU in football" injury. It's seasons like this one that kind of make me realize that Kentucky football for the past several seasons was in a nice period of above-average (for Kentucky) play, and is now regressing towards Kentucky's usual, basically shitty, mean. Maybe I'm wrong, but I won't be sad if I'm not. Just watching the last 53 minutes of the Florida game told me all I needed to know about why Kentucky will probably never have a winning SEC record, and why we should just be content with going to crappy bowls in Birmingham or wherever when we get the chance.

Vandy, on the other hand, is just starting what I think will be an upswing for the Dores for at least a few seasons. James Franklin has his team playing hard, even though the old problems with the offensive line that were super-obvs last year are just now starting to rear their heads again. Still, the Dores have already won more games this season than I expected them to, and are just a game back in the league standings. No, the Dores won't beat Alabama on Saturday, but the way they've played on defense makes it likely that they'll at least be competitive in most of their games except probably Florida for the rest of the season. Good for them.

To summarize, Kentucky football = shitty, so grin and bear it; Vandy football = trying hard and winning a few games here and there so enjoy it. Yay!

TWICE, PLZ

2011-09-20T13:59:00.002-04:00

Via EDSBS, duh.

EVERYTHING SUCKS, EVERYTHING IS AWESOME

2011-09-20T08:45:00.000-04:00

Kentucky is probably a terrible football team this year, and there's no sign they won't also be terrible next year. Unless Joker Phillips rights the ship, we're going to be one miserable fan base for at least two seasons, maybe three unless Mitch Barnhart and UK decide they're going to be serious about winning football games, i.e. spending cashola on facilities and paying a coach that kids want to play for. Yay football optipessimism!

Vanderbilt, on the other hand, is off to its best start since FDFuckin'R was president. Unbelievable. I watched most of the Ole Miss game last week, and it was awesome. I was pretty excited; the Dores defense was really aggressive and competent, and the offense was pretty efficient given Larry Smith's penchant for throwing ground balls. My wife, not so impressed. She had been out shopping and when she got back I told her how awesome Vanderbilt was playing, thinking she'd be excited and wanting to watch the rest of the game since it's her alma mater and she was a cheerleader and whatnot. Nope, she just went to mess around with whatever it is that she bought while out running errands. POOR FANSHIP!

Then I went to Commonwealth to watch the Cats just suck against Louisville and nearly threw up watching our terrible football team. HOORAY!

PITBULL EXPRESSWAY PARTY

2011-09-16T08:42:00.000-04:00

via EDSBS

YOUR WEEKEND FOOTBALL VIEWING GUIDE

2011-08-31T14:46:00.000-04:00

OMG OMG OMG IT'S FINALLY HERE! Bands! Trick plays! Mascots! Cheerleaders that don't commonly moonlight as strippers, at least as far as we know! Here's your guide to games you'll want to watch this weekend. The first few weeks of games usually feature one or two good games and then a bunch of shit, but you'll drink pee if you're dehydrated enough, right Bear Grylls?

THURSDAY:

Obvs, UK plays WKU at 9:15 p.m. on ESPNU, which is the medium you're most likely to take the game in, given the 40K tickets they haven't sold for the game. Poor form, but oh well. As a primer, though, Louisville plays Murray State at 6 (SIX!) on the U. Other games of possible note are Mississippi State at Memphis at 8:00 on FSN, and UNLV at Wisconsin at 8:00 on ESPN. Don't get your hopes up for those.

FRIDAY FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY:

Only two games, and only one that's probably worth watching, TCU at Baylor, 8:00 on ESPN. This game will feature Robert Griffin, III, noted mutant, terrible ESPN announcing, and a firecrotchless TCU. Should be fun.

SATURDAY (COMES AFTER FRIDAY):

Not quite the smorgasboard you'd hoped for, but there are two really good games at competing times that you'll get remote-control-induced carpal tunnel from: Boise State and Georgia at the Georgia Dome on ESPN, and LSU and Oregon in the JerryDome on ABC, both at 8:00. Superduperfun games, these two. I hope I get to watch them, as my vacation starts Friday night and will burn into Saturday. We'll see, family of in-laws, we'll just see.

Vandy hosts Elon at 7:30 on something called CSS which I'm certain I don't get, so I'll probably miss James Frankin's initial foray into head coachdom.

Other games that might be fun are Appy State at Virginia Tech at 12:30 on the ACC network which you probably don't get, UCLA at Houston (why?) at 3:30 on FSN, South Florida at Notre Dame at 3:30 on NBC, and BYU at Ole Miss at 4:45 on ESPN before you slake your bloodthirst on the headlining matchups of the weekend.

I'M GONNA BE SO DRUNJJJJ THIS WEEKEND. Have fun, errrbody.

LA LA, LA LA, LA

2011-08-31T09:47:00.000-04:00

AbG'S TOP 25

2011-08-30T10:13:00.000-04:00

That is totally a Duck Tales poster on the left. via Reverse Symmetry

1. Opening Weekend in College Football. SO EXCITING, SO SO EXCITING.

2. Alabama Crimson Tide. They're No. 2 because no one team transcends the entire game, and because those assholes could use a little humility.

3. Oklahoma Sooners. The only Big 12 team that might beat these guys is A&M, I think. JINXED.

4. Oregon Ducks. Okay, now I'm just spitballing. Offense is awesome to watch, and now that Stanford's lost Jim Harbaugh, there's not much left to challenge them in the Pac-12 (weird), but if I watch more than 2 of their games this year I'll be surprised.

5. Budweiser. It doesn't quite quench the thirst like Bud Light or Miller Lite do, but it does make you a MAN.

6. LSU Tigers. This is probably false because they don't have a quarterback, and probably never did.

7. Stanford Cardinal. All that shit I just wrote about them and losing their coach is probably wrong, unless it isn't.

8. Boise State Broncos. Hooookay, buddy. Sure.

9. Wisconsin Badgers. They might be better than this, and it helps that the B1G is going to be worse with a downgraded Ohio State.

10. Arkansas Razorbacks. It hurt to type that. I do not like Bobby Petrino. Someone needs to hide a deer carcass under his desk so he thinks about finding a new job again.

11. Fall weather. It's so nice to walk out of the house in the morning and not sweat a bucket before you get to the car. Probably underrated here.

12. Florida Gators. I have no idea why I put them here. This is the worst Top 25 list not made by Bleacher Report ever.

13. Texas Christian Horned Frogs. They're really regretting jumping to the Big East right about now.

14. Texas A&M Aggies. Status jumps just for joining the SEC, which they do not yet play in. DAMMIT ANOTHER SENTENCE ENDING IN A PREPOSITION WTF IS WRONG WITH ME.

15. Florida State Seminoles. They should probably flip this spot with Florida, especially since they'll likely run the table in the ACC. That ignores the general rule that all ACC teams tend to be 7-5 at the end of the season, but there you are.

16. Pittsburgh Panthers. This is a joke.

17. Mississippi State Bulldogs. Too low? Let's hope not, Kentucky fans.

18. Kentucky Wildcats. Hahaha, this is MY LIST AND I'LL MAKE IT WHATEVER I WANT.

/prays the defensive line remains upright against Western Kentucky

19. Virginia Tech Hokies. Hands down the most boring team to watch in college football. Frank Beamer would field the defense on offense, too, if he could.

20. Notre Dame Fighting Irish. I got invited to go watch a game up in South Bend this season, but I think I'm going to have to refuse because I hate Indiana.

21. Georgia Bulldogs. I watched the awful Jesse Palmer and David Pollack show on ESPNU last night in between sets of the US Open. I'm pretty sure Prince did Pollack's makeup. He looked like a mannequin.

22. Bratwurst. The best of all sausages, in my opinion, closely followed by the polish sausage. Brats are the ideal tailgating food because they don't require a plate and are easy to take on the go. Downside: looks like you're eating a penis sandwich.

23. Vanderbilt Commodores. Again, it's my list and I'll make it look however I want. Vanderbilt will not win five games this season :(

24. Brigham Young Cougars. You know, for a team made up of 24 year olds from the battle-hardened jungles of Samoa, you'd think this team would be much better.

25. Rich Brooks. No Top 25 list is complete without him.

GOING TO A U OF L SOCCER GAME

2011-08-26T10:11:00.000-04:00

That thing is TERRIFYING.

The buzz around Louisville, aside from the whole maybe possibly could be NCAA investigation of Clint Hurtt that I don't care about, is tomorrow's soccer tilt between the Quadnulz and UCLA. I'm going to the game with a buddy of mine who used to play for UofL. I know, totally walking into the lion's den, right?

Here's some rules for the reasonable Kentucky fan, such as myself, to abide by when attending a Louisville sporting event in which UK is not involved:

Complement the nice facilities. Most everything sports-related at UofL is less than 15 years old, and it is admittedly nice. It also represents the fact that before 1999 or something, UofL did not care about anything other than basketball.

Don't say anything disparaging about Tom Jurich or his turtleneck of the day. He'll deport you from the premises posthaste, and you'll never be allowed to talk on local media ever again.

Enjoy the crack beers available at every Louisville sporting event. Helps make the godawful omnipresent logo more tolerable.

Avoid cheering for the opposing team. That makes you an asshole for even being there.

Avoid the Taco Bell, unless you want to spend most of the game in used beer depository/bathroom.

Don't park in someone's super awesome numerically assigned parking spot. Those bird fans get ruffled when you take their spots.

Wear something other than UK themed garb. I get pissed about any UofL fan who comes to Kentucky games with that stupid bird on his shirt, so don't be that guy. Unless you're trolling hard like Oscar Combs.

I tried to make this funny and man, did it get boring fast. My bad about that. Your suggestions in the comments, which never materialize.

SPENCER HALL, BRILLIANT AS ALWAYS

2011-08-26T08:42:00.002-04:00

Spencer Hall, wild African dogs, and Vanderbilt football. Brilliant.

VANDERBILT HEADLINES OF THE DAY

2011-08-25T09:40:00.000-04:00

Shirt tucked into gym shorts, pasty legs, and glasses? CJF GETS VANDY FOOTBALL.

This isn't going to be a daily thing, a weekly thing, and maybe not an ever-again thing, but I'm getting a huge kick out of headlines from the Tennesseean about Vandy football lately. This is probably because Nashvillains (see what I did thereITHINKYOUDO) in general don't care about Vandy football, and are mouthbreathing UT fans. It's unfortunate.

Vanderbilt starts to set starting lineup and Vanderbilt unsure who will call plays in opener

Aren't these things that the coaching staff should have already figured out? Wait, it's a ruse to make Elon think Vanderbilt has no idea what it's doing! Yes, that's it! Or wait, no! It's a sign that Coach Franklin is making everything a competition all the way until gameday! FIRST ONE TO THE BUFFET LINE GETS A SPOT ON THE PUNT TEAM!

Also, I noticed that while Larry Smith is still supposedly the starting quarterback, the Dores have about 13 other dudes chomping at the bit to take his place. I love Larry as a person, but are you really telling me that out of that long line of QBs, no one could take Larry's place? He of the 47.4 completion percentage and six (SIX!) touchdown passes last year? Yikes, man. Yikes.

SRSLY GETTING GEEKED ABOUT FOOTBALL

2011-08-25T09:13:00.002-04:00

I love it when the band nerds who aren't in line right get trucked by linemen who don't play.

READY FOR FOOTBALL SEASON

2011-08-24T08:47:00.000-04:00

Hey hey hey, football season is coming. As you know, Kentucky's getting it out of their system early with a game against Western Kentucky in Nashville next Thursday. I'm going on vacation the following week, so of course there's NO WAY I can get away with going to the game and not come back to work the Friday afterwards. "Just take the day off, you're going on vacation," a normal person might say. I do not work a normal person job. I am monitored at all times. There is literally a hole in my wall where my bosses can watch me do whatever it is I do all day. Reading sports blogs on the computer? DULY NOTED. Taking a phone call from my mom about the family picnic last weekend? PUT IN THE LEDGER, SUSIE.

Since my kid was born, I've been to two college football games. That's probably to be expected, given the rigors of trying to be a parent to an infant. But now the kid is ONE and I don't have to feel guilty about leaving him with the inlaws while I go drink and tailgate and scream at twenty year olds regardless of whether or not they are playing football.

Being married changes how you go to football games. Whereas I used to be able to get fucking hammered before a game, yell profanity when I was pissed about a playcall/ref's call/color of the person's shirt in front of me (all 100% acceptable behavior), now I have to tone it down and act like I'm at a board meeting or something. "You are such a poor sport!" my wife likes to say when I cheer for a penalty levied against whoever Kentucky (or even Vanderbilt) happens to be playing. YOUR MOM'S A POOR SPORT, SISTER, I reply as I am led out of the stadium before halftime to sleep it off in the car. It's not as much fun, but it does eliminate the mean looks and stadium security attention I used to get.

Plus, now I don't have a choice but to stay sober enough to drive home after the game. This is not a bad thing, but it's hard to break old habits like sneaking in pints of Jim Beam and then waking up on a recliner at 4 a.m. in a house you've never seen before. Adventurous, but risky! Especially when the life of your kid is on the line, which I am reminded of every time I open another beer at the tailgate after the game. JUST LET ME LIVE, LADY!

I can't wait until my kiddo is old enough to take to games, though. I'm gonna teach him all the best insults to throw at opposing fans, what to yell to remind people in your section of the times when the team didn't suck (hard to do when you're a Vandy or UK fan, but still), and why we still cheer for first downs in Commonwealth (THANKS A SHITTON, BILL CURRY). It's gonna be a blast. Go football!

RICK BOZICH UNVEILS TOP 10 PRISON LEAGUE TEAMS!

2011-08-22T13:54:00.000-04:00

I'm considering making a weekly habit of reviewing something Louisville Courier-Journal columnist and Rick "Dr. Bo" Bozich, not-MD writes about sports. It's usually not very good. Here's my initial foray:

This week, Bigus Rickus takes a look at college football's pre-season Top 10 and finds a lot in common with police blotters. This, of course, has never happened before in any season of sports, ever. 1919 Black Sox? Who are they? READ ON!

With the arrival Saturday of the Associated Press preseason Top 25, the writers, coaches and guys wearing the Terrelle Pryor jerseys (signed edition) have all predicted what will happen during this college football season. Now it’s time to consider the Top 10 from a more relevant view:

Predictions from people in Tim Tebow jerseys? I wasn't aware that there was a poll specifically for people who wear signed Terrelle Pryor jerseys, but I bet they know more about college football than the coaches who vote in the Coaches Poll. Another fun fact: coaches do not vote in the AP poll. But let's move on.

1. Oklahoma — Barry Switzer University hasn’t done anything to summon NCAA investigators to Norman lately (at least not for football), but Boomer Sooner Nation is ready to rumble. According USA Today, a football argument between an OU fan and Texas fan at an Applebee’s in San Antonio this month turned into a knife fight that sent both guys to the hospital.

Barry Switzer is an OU legend, but he retired like 20 years ago, remember? Coached for the Cowboys after that? That's like calling Louisville Ron Cooper University. Nobody does that.

While we're talking stereotypes, I bet those knife fight participants were MEXICAN!

Two Oregon players, cornerback Cliff Harris and quarterback Darron Thomas, are traveling in a car clocked at 118 mph. In the video, the officer asks who has the marijuana. Harris reportedly says, “We smoked it all.” My advice: Move the Ducks up on your ballot.

Ohhh, I get it - you're trying to link up proven, documented unlawful behavior with whether or not you're any good at football! If that were true, then UGA won the last eleventy BCS championships. Wait, they didn't? AWW HORSEFEATHERS.

The Tigers got in the game early Friday morning when several players were allegedly involved in a fight outside a Baton Rouge bar that resulted in four people being treated at a hospital. One report said LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson was involved, but if you have watched Jefferson pass, you realize he didn’t hit anybody.

WAKKA WAKKA.

7. Stanford — The Cardinal can go to the head of the class. Four schools from the six Bowl Championship Series leagues have never been charged with a major NCAA rules violation: Northwestern, Penn State, Boston College and Stanford. These guys will never win.

Except when they do, Northwestern excluded.

I think you killed your own argument about top programs and asshattery when you said Stanford could go to the head of the class. BCUZ THYR SMRT!

9. Oklahoma State — Cowboys coach Mike “I’m a Man,” Gundy is a serial knucklehead. A carpenter is suing Gundy for firing him from a home improvement project. The carpenter’s offense? Reportedly, he wore a gray Oklahoma baseball T-shirt on the job.

And the law broken here was...impoliteness!

/angrily shakes fist

Clearly, this was a column that was doomed from the word go. When the No. 1 team on your list doesn't have an arrest record, you should probably re-think the idea for your column. Better luck next week, "Doctor."

SHOCKING!!!!!1!1!ONE!!!1 SCANDAL IN MIAMI!!!ONE2

2011-08-19T08:38:00.000-04:00


via Yahoo! Sports. End punctuation in the middle of a sentence is stupid.

Sooooo the internets have been ablaze with the latest SHOCKING SCANDAL to ROCK COLLEGE SPORTS AND FOOTBALL TO ITS COOOORRRREEEE OOOOOO AAH AH AH AH! You'll never believe this guys, but the football players at Miami?

THEY WENT TO STRIP CLUBS!

/GASSSPPP!

AND HAD SEX WITH STRIPPERS!!

/NO. WAY.

AND they had parties at CLUBS! STRIP CLUBS! YACHTS! MANSIONS! STRIP CLUBS NAMED YACHT AND MANSION!

/GTFO.

I know, I was totally surprised when I heard about it, too. Here are some other SCANDALS brewing in college sports that NO ONE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT:

* Florida players really like guns and weed. It's true!

* Oregon's kids really like weed, too, but guns are too violent, man. Just sit down and chill with us. Half Baked is on Comedy Central.

* The Buckeyes will collectively run their Dodge Challenger over a baby to get that thirty pack of Bud Lights sitting on that sidewalk. FACT.

* West Virginians? There's your answer to the methamphetamine epidemic plaguing all of Appalachia. Needless to say, Dana Holgorsen fits right in.

* There are also strippers in Southern California. Hint Hint, NCAA.

* Don't be surprised to find half eaten cattle corpses in the swamps west of Baton Rouge. It was the only way Les Miles could keep Barkevious Mingo fed and eligible all at the same time.

* Former Lehman Brothers broker and Yale "benefactor" Wells Pilkington IV reportedly "LMAO'd" when told that Miami booster Shapiro "only" bilked his victims out of .9 billion dollars. "Tell Nevin to call me when he's got some REAL change," Wells may or may not have said.

Surely there are others. Tell us what you've heard in the comments. It's totally confidential!

VANDERBILT AND KENTUCKY FIGHTING OVER 17 YEAR OLD BOY

2011-08-17T09:14:00.000-04:00

via Nation of Blue

While reading some other UK related website this morning, I noticed that the intense looking guy flying through the air with ease in the above photograph recently visited Lexington, if only unofficially. It appears that the five star recruit from Clarksville, Tennessee isn't too interested in playin for his hometown Austin Peay Generals (I think that's what they are) and would rather ball out for a team with some panache, some moxie, some chance at getting him noticed outside of a transient military base. Naturally, two of the dude's slathering suitors are Kentucky and Vanderbilt, along with Duke, Florida, and MEMPIS. (Yes, Mempis. You remember Mempis, right?)

Stallings offered Poythress first, but it's not at all unlike Kentucky to snag a recruit that was previously committed elsewhere, i.e. Terrence Jones and Washington. So sit back and relax, basketball fans, because this is going to be fun to watch. Odds on whether CKS's head explodes prior to the spring signing period are 10-1.

ORGANIZED DOMINICANS BEAT UNORGANIZED UK PROS

2011-08-16T09:43:00.000-04:00

via Nation of Blue

The first of two exhibition games pitting the Dominican Republic (or La Republica Dominicana, por mis hermanos aqui) against a collection of former Kentucky players now in the NBA took place last night in what was apparently a barley and malt-soaked Rupp Arena. The Juegadores from the DR won the game behind some pretty solid play from Francisco Garcia.

What's hilarious now is how people are pissed that the former Wildcats lost the game. Like it was a real game that meant something. And Louisville fans are hooting about how their former players lit up the scoreboard, like they were playing for the Cards.

All of this sounds like column fodder for Jerry Tipton at the Herald Leader to pooh pooh Kentucky fans about their scurrilous attitudes which were surely exacerbated by beer sales for the game. "You Kentucky fans with your false gods and beer drinking! Hie thee to church!" he probably said.

TEXAS A&M TO SEC. MAYBE. OR NOT.

2011-08-12T09:41:00.000-04:00

Okay, that's pretty cool.

Increased chatter about Texas A&M joining the SEC on the internets for the past day or so, after some rising hostility between A&M and Texas over the Longhorn Network, which I admit is kind of unfair to every other Big TwelveTen school. If A&M leaves and joins the SEC, it honestly seems a lot like they're just taking their ball and going home, but I think the SEC will be glad to have them for TV eyeballs and potential new recruiting ground. But what does it mean for Kentucky and Vanderbilt? Well, for one, it means another team we'll probably lose to in football. A&M does, however, kind of improve SEC basketball because they kind of care about that sport in College Station, unlike Oxford or Tuscaloosa.

If A&M joins, that probably also means that the SEC will try to grab another team to join the league, whomever that might be. Lots of speculation about that, but lots of people are mentioning Oklahoma and Missouri, which would be fun, I guess.