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Love Stinks in Pop Culture

2012-01-26T07:48:00.002-05:00

What are the best love stories in pop culture, today?

New Year’s Eve? Gack.
Crazy, Stupid, Love? About cheating and divorce.
Just Go With It? Adam Sandler. It’s a love of childish humor.
Breaking Dawn? There we have it.

And before you start going on about, “This is a Twilight bashing post” I’m going to stop you right there.

Yes, it is.

But it’s much more than that.

The concept of love in a movie has been whittled down into this poor excuse for a relationship that is the Twilight saga. And before that, it was a Nicholas Sparks book adapted into a film.

Step 1: Two pretty white people fall in love.
Step 2: One dies.
Step 3: Advertise with a stupid reused poster of two people kissing with the guy holding the cheeks of the girl. (Rain optional)
Step 4: Profit

So, my coworker, who is 10 years younger than I am (damn kids, kidding), asked me, “What was the love story of your day?” Meaning “What did girls and adult females consider the pinnacle of romance back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and phones had mangled fifty foot long cords.”

I thought about it and here’s what I came up with, looking at it generationally (20 year period) from 1978 through 1998. I would have been between the ages of three and 23 during this period.

General Hospital (1978) Luke and Laura
As a kid, I remember two big romantic to dos in the world. Luke and Laura being married and Charles and Diana. Since we are talking about impacting television, readers, or movie goers, I think Luke and Laura win out in that category. However, like Twilight, the beginning of this supercouple involves a bad relationship… including a drunken Luke raping Laura. While Twilight never moves toward sexual assault, there is a case for an abusive relationship.

Empire Strikes Back (1980) Geeks in love?
Well, every preteen in 1983 made the jump to hyper-puberty when Carrie Fisher showed up in the gold bikini on Jabba the Hutt’s party barge, but three years before, romance filled the galaxy as Han and Leia pouted. The already sexual tension filled storyline between the two characters, which kicked off in the first movie, mixed with Irvin Kershner’s direction pretty much set the stage for romance among the stars as Han and Leia smooched in the bowels of a space slug aboard the Millennium Falcon and led to one of the greatest improved lines of all, “I know.”

Why does that work? It seems kind of cocky and prick worthy, which IS Han Solo, but watch that scene directly after the scenes in the Falcon, and in the corridors of Echo Base on Hoth. Han is pretty much saying, “You love me. Why won’t you admit that I am an OK guy and that we could be good together?”

When Leia says, “I love you,” Han could easily say to her, “I love you, too.” He doesn’t. Why? Because he acknowledges that she has taken that step into the abyss and torn down the wall between their feelings. She’s confirming his statement to her back on Hoth about, “…because of the way you feel about me.” This isn’t goodbye. He gets that she gets it and let’s her know that he understands and welcomes what she is saying, not just because of the circumstance they are in at the moment.

Brat Pack Invasion (1984-89) The combination of John Huges and Cameron Crowe
This one spans almost five years, five films, two directors, and 20 plus actors. Probably the biggest comparison can make to teen love and angst comes in the form of Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink, The Breakfast Club, Some Kind of Wonderful and Say Anything. Even though some people often think Say Anything is a John Hughes movie, because of the cast and subject matter, it has nothing to do with Hughes. It’s actually a bit darker in tone because of the plotline involving John Mahoney going to jail. It still follows some of the formula that John Hughes mined for 80s movie gold and it’s still awesome 23 years later.

Whether it be Claire and Bender, Duckie and Andie and Blaine, Samantha and Jake, Watts and Keith and Amanda, or Diane and Lloyd, the history of love and heartbreak is as universal as Shakespeare or even the triangle of Jacob and Bella and Edward. (gack.)

But teen girls everywhere hearted Jake Ryan and Lloyd Dobler. They wanted to be with bad boy John Bender and even sort of pulled for Keith to stop going after Amanda Jones and choose the tomboyish drummer, Watts, who may have resembled them in a way.

John Hughes and Cameron Crowe wrote dialogue that normal teenagers didn’t use out loud but their thoughts mirrored what the characters said on film. It would be another ten years before that kind of sentiment was expressed through scripts spoken by high school kids.

Then there’s this: The ultimate expression of love for millions of guys hurt by the girl they love.

Phantom of the Opera (1986) She chose wrong!
My own wife thinks that Christine should have gone with the Phantom. Of course, she loves Twilight, too. Well, a lot of women and girls loved the Andrew Lloyd Webber adaptation of the Gaston Leroux novel. Though anyone with any kind of theatrical training loathes how this became the standard for musical theater) High School and College Freshman drama geeks who dedicated their lives, or at least an entire wall in their bedrooms, to POTO were worse than Hipsters or Gleeks are today.

Beauty and the Beast (1987-1990) Television Series with Linda Hamilton and Ron Pearlman.
RON FREAKING PERLMAN! Female audiences swooned over the prosthetic faced enhanced Perlman as Vincent. He looked like a cross between the lead singer for Europe and the transformed Michael Jackson at the beginning of Thriller. Of course, that’s understandable because the makeup for both was done by Rick Baker. The relationship between the two transcended looks and worlds and Vincent was probably better looking Fabio in most rights.

Sadly, the show suffered the loss of Linda Hamilton in season three, at her desire. Hey, she didn’t pull a David Caruso. The following year she went full throttle into stardom, reprising her role as Sarah Conner in T2.

Disney Strikes Back (1989-1993)  Four movies that made you fall in love all over again
The Classic era of Disney animated features is speckled with a rich lineup. Snow White, Cinderella, The Lady and the Tramp, and Sleeping Beauty all had strong romantic themes to them.  We've all, at least, attempted to push a meatball across the plate with our nose or slurped up a single noodle between us and our significant other at one time or another. But it would be 30 years before the notion of a strong romantic storyline would grace the cels of a Disney animated film. The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, and The Lion King all had the same things in common; strong female characters, a love story, and Oscar winning songs by Alan Menken, collaborating first with Howard Ashmen then Tim Rice after Ashmen's death in 1991.

The themes in those three movies resonated for adults as much as they did in children and made Disney the animation powerhouse to beat,until a little company called Pixar animated a few toys. It also didn't hurt to have some of the top R&B Soul and Pop Music artists record your main theme song. This was a trend that started with Beauty and the Beast and continued through Tarzan. Each year becoming a little more ridiculous as they trotted out past their prime pop stars from the 80s like Phil Collins and Michael Bolton. Sadly, Michael Bolton's best work since then was in an SNL Digital Short called "Jack Sparrow". Regardless, love was in the air but the heavy handed love song from The Lion King, while extremely popular, its place in the film is a bit lost as the love story between Simba and Nala is a minor one. That's probably why "The Circle of Life" was also a big hit from the soundtrack, unlike previous years which only had one song on Top 40 radio.

***UPDATE***
The Wonder Years (1988-1993) Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper
I can't believe I forgot this one.   I almost pulled an Entertainment Weekly. The world of puberty told through the eyes of Kevin Arnold by one of the Sticky Bandits. The first episode set all the groundwork you needed for romance history. That one girl in the neighborhood. The one that was always there, geeky and awkward. She comes back after one summer and she's transformed into the goddess of your dreams. Then, you know how it goes, you make plans to get some of that and you envision her dead Vietnam Vet brother protecting her from likes of you.

Kevin and Winnie's was one of those tv romances that worked because it was sweet and innocent. The show worked because it was life for all of us who grew up with them. It was the romantic equivalent of A Christmas Story for me.

Unfortunately, YouTube won't let me embed this but it's a great compendium of Kevin and Winnie moments.

My So-Called Life (1994) Angela and Jordan
My friend actually called me on this one. How could I forget it? Sad to say, a lot of people did miss this bright spot in the tv spectrum.   It was cancelled before it's time and while it was on par with the WB Explosion a few years later, in terms of pop culture impact, it was too dark for ABC and mainstream programming.

The relationship between Angela and Jordan was one of those troubled teen romances that was a great parallel for how kids acted in the real world. The dialogue was smart and the angst was almost Shakespearean in nature. While their relationship wasn't the main focus on the show, it was probably one of the most memorable aspects of it.

***END UPDATE***

Titanic (1997) The biggest thing that went down wasn't the ship...
Unfortunately, this is probably the single biggest impact on romantic film or television of any age group during my cross section of life. In fact, the biggest thing in this film isn’t the historical account of the ship hitting the iceberg or its sinking, it’s the imagined love story between a lady of status and a third class passenger.

I say, “Unfortunately” because, for how big a film it was, the footprint is almost clichéd and tacky when you think back about it. I mean, no one thought skinny ties and ugly sweaters were enough to give kids the eyeroll treatment of us when we first wore them. But looking back you have to cringe at the notion that we left the house thinking we looked cool in pegged jeans and mullets. The emo generation probably think that loving Celine Dion’s song is the biggest crime against music since Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech. And, if I didn’t agree with Kanye in some small way, I’d think it was too, even though I own the Titanic soundtrack.

Let’s face it, it’s a tacky love song and almost an overly melodramatic chick flick, 15 years later. Holy Crap?!?! My wife’s niece wasn’t even alive when this film came out. Gawd, I’m old. Shut the blinds, I don’t want to see the light!

The WB Years (1997, 1998) The second coming of John Hughes for television
As a little upstart network, far down the depth chart of the television dial, The WB cranked up the competition with the big four by populating its lineup with smarty-smart teeny bopper dialogue from maverick's like Joss Whedon and Kevin Williamson. Having a self deprecating and self aware outlook on teen life and romance, they wrote smart dialogue for shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Dawson’s Creek.

Much like John Hughes, 15 years before them, Joss’ and Kevin’s characters spoke differently than the average real life teen but their take on relationships were a lot more real and acceptable than Stephanie Meyer. Not saying they were any less abusive. It’s not every day that a girl loses her virginity to a hundred year old vampire who then wants to torture and kill her and her friends. But, it’s a better metaphor for giving into peer pressure and sexual urges only to find that what you’ve built up as the end all, be all of human existence turns out to be a monster who doesn’t share your sentiment after the deed is done. Whether or not you have to kill that boy in order to save the world is beside the point.

Dawson grew up with the Nick at Nite version (my generation’s version) of parents and his life was far from realistic but like John Hughes’ characters, everyone rooted for Joey Potter and sometimes Jen Lindley. After all, it was the typical Ginger and Mary Ann contrast of female characters. You want Ginger for sex, but you want to settle down with Mary Ann. Just like girls WANTED John Bender for sex, but wanted Brian Johnson for a loyal and dependable husband figure.

But there is still the eyeroll factor when you look back at the early WB teen romance shows and realize that “I’ll Be” was the “In Your Eyes” of the first season finale and the pinnacle of love songs in which to express your true feelings to. It was also the soundtrack for episode promos with that raspy voice over that wasn't Don LaFontaine

I weep for the young today. Why?

This

Is It Spring Yet?

2012-01-23T16:22:00.001-05:00

Seriously. I’m ready. Winter had its chance. By my own standards, which should be mandated and followed, snow should be allowed from Thanksgiving until January 15th. During that time, Mother Nature has free reign to produce as much snow as possible. Why? Because that’s when it’s pretty and fluffy and fun. That’s when it looks like something out of a Thomas Kinkade painting and doesn’t make you depressed because it’s like ‘effin’ Winter man. Then after January 15th, it needs to stop snowing and begin to warm up into Spring, so that by March it’s like 40 degrees in the middle of the afternoon.

Around here, it can be 70 ‘effin’ degrees on a Monday in January and then minus a gagillion (make that number real, damnit!) by Friday with three feet of snow on top of a foot of ice with small children trapped in it like a Jello mold.

Then it just gets dark and dreary and windy and icy and your fingers crack and break off in door handles. Then you have people walking around with blue stumps for digits. You drive around with enough salt caked on your car to give the Jolly Green Giant high blood pressure. The ash from the trucks sticks to everything and it looks like Pepperland after the Blue Meanies rolled through. That shit gets old, real quick.

Then in February, when we start to think about Spring and cabin fever sets in, Mother Nature starts ragging it and gets all pissed off at us and decides to dump three feet on us, closing schools for a week. Parents who just got their sanity back from Christmas break start reaching for a bottle and a razor blade because the kids can’t go outside. I mean how can they, the door is blocked by three feet of snow and the windows can’t open.

This past weekend is a perfect example. Thursday and Friday were cold and the rain became a wintry mix with coated our cars with a shell of ice, topped by snow on Saturday. Then, Sunday, temperatures climbed out of the cellar and everything started to melt. Now, it’s raining and somewhere around 40 degrees and the forecast has the high at 52 degrees, although it comes with the chance of thunderstorms. What the hell?

Can we at least have some consistency? How about 34 degrees, cloudy, and a chance of rain, on some days, for another month?

Medical Billing Makes Me Angry

2012-01-20T00:40:00.002-05:00

This has been a ridiculous six months. Honestly, I am so grrr filled that I need a few hundred puppies to kick, STAT!

Back in July, my wife had a doctor's appt. One of them. The kind, us guys, don't talk about. Anyway, there was lab work to be done and I received a bill for $71.50. The next day or so, she had MRIs taken at a hospital that belongs in a different health care system, supported by my medical benefits plan. That bill came to $250.

Now, through my benefits, I have a $250 individual deductible as well as my wife. So, after paying $71.50 to one provider, I should only have to pay the difference, $178.50, right? So, I did that.

About a month later, I got a bill from provider number two, looking for the remaining $71.50. I mailed it back, using their mailer with the words, "Paid $71.50 towards deductible, already. Only owe difference."   Then a month went by and I got another bill for $71.50.

Feeling a bit perturbed, I called provider number two and told them why I did not pay the additional amount.   They didn't care. I then called my Insurance Provider and they said my deductible was met and that I didn't have to pay it. So, I called back provider number two and told them that and they didn't care. They said that the deductible didn't matter. They insurance provider sets that. I said, "I know. I paid it and they said I wasn't liable for anymore."

So, I hung up on them and called provider number one to figure out how this all got screwed up.   They told me that there were no claims against my insurance. I said, "Well, then why did you bill me?" They didn't know. They said that they found the services that were billed and would resubmit that to the insurance provider. I said thank you and called back my insurance company.

They said, "OK. Once we get it, we'll send an adjusted statement of benefits and let provider number two know."    I thanked them and put the matter aside.

I got another bill last week.

So, I called back the insurance provider, which I no longer have because my employer decided to go with the lowest bidder for services, and they said no claims were made against my benefits but that my deductible was met. I explained what the service was for, hoping for them to be able to find it and they couldn't. They did, however, say that the particular lab work that was involved was covered under our plan and that my wife should have only had to pay the copay, not another charge.

I then called provider number one back to find out what the hell happened to all this. They couldn't help me other than to say, the account was paid in full. I said, "I know. Why did I have to pay for this? What was this? My insurance provider says that this particular test should have been covered under my plan. I have another provider looking for money because I paid you."

They couldn't tell me. They had to speak to my wife or have her consent. I said, "Why?"

She said, "HIPPA."

"Look, I am the policy holder. It's my wife. I gave you her SSN. What else do you need?"

"Her consent." She said.

"I know it's a damn pap smear!" I said, "Well, then you can hold on for five minutes because I'm currently driving home and she will give you the consent, because I am sure not waiting another 20 minutes to talk to someone."

I got home, my wife gave consent and they told me it was for a pap smear.

They also couldn't help me because the customer service rep's supervisor stepped away from her desk and she would know why I was 1. Billed. 2. Not showing it on my insurance claims.

That was at 2pm.   By 4pm I heard no word back.   Apparently, the supervisor got lost or because the bill was paid, they don't care.

In any case, if they billed me incorrectly, they need to pay me back so I can pay provider number two.   OR They need to submit their damn paperwork properly so this shit doesn't happen again.

This is 2012. How hard is it for the hospitals and insurance to fill this crap out correctly? I mean, if I had paid the $250 bill first, these idiots would be after me for $71.50. Technically, they would be in the right because that service was provided first.   However, if they were not supposed to bill me, then everything would be fine and they could kiss my ass.

Why do I have to take time out of my day to investigate their mistakes? Why do I have to call at inopportune times because they only have hours until 4pm? I work until 4pm. If this is what being an informed consumer is like, I'd rather go put my faith in Muck-a-luck the witch doctor and leeches.

Get your shit together and call me back. I'll be sure to put you on hold while I think about all of this.

Four Seasons To a Four Year Old

2012-01-17T18:01:00.000-05:00

Bailey on Christmas Morning

Twice a week, I pick my daughter up from the petri dish that is Kinder Care. This is where she got the stomach flu from last week. Apparently, there were four cases prior to hers and we just found out about them today.

On our drive home we discuss what she did that day and I ask her, "Were you good, today?" to which she replies, "Check the sheet, Daddy."

She's four.

She then asks if I brought her Bunny Milk, better known as Nestle's Quik.   I tell her that I came straight from work and didn't have time to stop and get some from home.   She gets a little upset and doesn't understand why I don't automatically have some on me when I drive the hour long commute from the other side of Pittsburgh.

She's four.

She asks all kind of other questions like why it's dark or daylight outside when I pick her up. Since late November, I've explained that it gets darker at an earlier time during the Fall and Winter, and in the Spring and Summer, it stays daylight longer. This baffles her.

She's four.

So, here it is the second month of Winter and it's starting to stay lighter, later, and she asked why. I told her again about the seasons and then asked her if she knew what the seasons were called.

She said, "Um, Halloween?"

She's four.

"No," I said, "That's a holiday in a season." I then called out the seasons and asked if she knew what was the first season of the year was.

"Winter!"

"Correct! Now what comes after Winter?"

"Halloween!"   She exclaims.

She's four.

"No. Honey, look..." I then began sounding out the first syllable of Spring and she got it. Then we moved onto Summer and after sounding out the first syllable, she got that right. Then, she got Fall very quickly and back to Winter.   I then asked her if she knew what came after Winter, again.

"Halloween?" She asked.

She's four.

"They just keep repeating. Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall. Got it? There's four. OK, now, which comes after Winter?"

"Daddy, let's just focus on the bunny milk, OK?"

She's four...

Class dismissed.

Avoiding the Plague Like... The Plague

2012-01-17T07:18:00.000-05:00

Last week, my four year old had a double ear infection and the stomach flu, which tells me one thing. It must be January. At least this year, we have insurance, so she's on the mend. This is good because you never want to see your kid so sick that she has fallen asleep with her hand on her arm dangling over the toilet sleep. She was so sick throughout that night.

This weekend my wife also started to complain of her ear hurting and then, boom, stomach flu. So, if she should wonder why I spent most of the weekend in the man cave, finishing up Dead Island, which coincidentally is about a resort that gets hit with an infectious disease that makes everyone become zombies, there's your answer. I don't want the stomach flu.

I had it a few years back over Valentine's Day. This year's bout was over my wife's birthday and Martin Luther King Jr. Day. See, we don't do well with holidays. I was determined to not get it. At least, I was hoping that if I did, in fact, get it, it would be before having to go back to work. So far, so good, but my ear started hurting yesterday. I've had an insatiable appetite, though. I guess that's great because I'd rather have a full stomach than be dry heaving. Let's hope I'm not coming down with any cravings for raw meat...

Brraaiinns!

Perks in Occupations

2012-01-13T17:13:00.002-05:00

I’m a creature of habit. I do not adopt or embrace change in a timely manner. My least favorite book of all, about business, is Who Moved My Cheese? This should tell you what kind of guy I am. Now, get off my lawn.

Having to go to work every day is a necessity. Having free coffee in the workplace is a luxury. Having K-Cups provided to you along with vending machines with free soda is an awesome luxury. Having all that change on you in an instant is enough to make you want to flip the tables over in the kitchen and go Wild Bunch.

When I started this new job a year ago, I was floored at the prospect of having free soda provided to me. I only drink one can a day, with my lunch, but I’ve already saved like $70 over the last year from not having to buy cases of pop for that purpose.

As far as the coffee is concerned, for about six months I was making three batches, consisting of two k-cups per batch, for a grand total of 36 ounces of coffee per day. I noticed that I needed the coffee to keep going and I didn’t like it. So, I actually embraced a change when I got a cold and switched to a two k-cup, 8 ounce cup when I got to work and then drank two cups of tea consisting of three Lemon Zinger k-cups in a 12 ounce mix. What I didn’t realize was that there was no caffeine in the tea and after awhile, I didn’t miss it and was more alert than ever. See, caffeine is a drug, you can become addicted to it, and it can cause you to need more to compensate over time.

But back to the coffee. My work just made a switch over to regular brew pots of coffee and these things called Perfect Servings which dispense all of the cream and sugar automatically.

Not happy. I need a puppy to kick, like now.

First of all, I know the company we switched over to. We had them in my old job for vending and coffee service. They used to supply the muffins and pastries in the cafeteria at the plant and one day, my late mother-in-law was witness to someone breaking open a muffin to find blood in it. Now, of course, this information never made it to the general employees’ ears. She worked in HR and she kept a lot of things secret that would have made the masses occupy boardrooms. I only found out because my wife once said, “Don’t eat any pastries from XXX”. I won’t say who they are but their company is also a file extension for video files. So, I’m a little bit leery when it comes to hearing that this company is now providing us with coffee and is providing us with pastries as an incentive to make the switch.

I know I should not complain. I have a decent job with a decent company and having the perks I’ve had is something that I never saw in my old job. To see them go is a shame but that’s the cost of doing business. Once the bean counters realize that they’re spending x amount of dollars on you and they can save that money by outsourcing that service, streamlining it, and reducing the offerings, they are nuts not to make those changes. Considering the economy, the fat has to be trimmed. But at the expense of morale?

Look, you come into work every day, sometimes with an enormous chip on your shoulder. You’re not getting a raise or seeing promotions come along. Whatever. The one thing you have to balance the mundane requirements is that little perk. Then, suddenly, it’s gone. And the company that provided those perks have now installed these fancy machines that supposedly do all the work (i.e. cut down on people using a lot of sugar or creamer) for you. You have this routine down where it takes you enough time to roll in, make your coffee, get stuff done, and get to your desk in time to get working. You throw a wrench into that routine and devastates some people.

Not to mention that when you come in on the day of reckoning and members from the service are there to stand over your shoulder while you fumble your way through the process. They get that cheery disposition and the ‘We’re going to make it all better’ attitude that is just lip service. The bottom line is, “You guys have had it good and we’re not going to cut you off completely but there are going to be some cost saving changes.”

No one wants to say that, though. Because of all the stigma surrounding those in power who make the decisions, they’re not going to fire that shot across the bow of the S.S. Underling.

“Mongo, you’re crazy. You’re shorts are too tight in the seat. You’re just displaying that old man curmudgeon mentality that you always show.”

Maybe you’re right. Maybe I am just too resistant to change to see the positive. Maybe I just need coffee. Oh that’s right. I couldn’t find it this morning because they moved everything around and there’s a huge ass line because we all have no idea how to work the new machines.

Grrr.

2012 Traffic Woes in Pittsburgh

2012-01-11T16:13:00.000-05:00

Oh, for the love of!?!?! PennDot Previews 2012 Construction Projects.

In 2010, a stressful commute for me was a flake of snow in the vicinity of Logan Ferry Road outside of Murrysville which caused the entire road to be a sheet of ice. No lie. If one flake of snow fell onto that road it was like that scene from Demolition Man where Wesley Snipes froze into an ice cube.

Now, after a full year of driving from WestMoCo to Robinson I can safely say, I would rather drive in a one horse open sleigh.

Before, if the road got slippery, I was usually the only one out there like an idiot driving the back roads to Plum to the beacon on the hill that used to be a bowling alley.

Now, when the meteorologists even mention a cold front, traffic grinds to a screeching halt on 376 and it takes me two hours to drive 50 minutes. Why? I have no ‘effing idea. [AngryMongo, you have been fined five credits for repeated violations of the verbal morality statute]

Clicky the linky at the top to go see what PennDot has in store for us commuters this year. As if traffic on 28 wasn’t already a nightmare, and if you watch that video on the KDKA page, ask yourself, “Why was John Shumway the only KDKA Pittsburgh media person going to cover the Broncos/Steelers game, anyway?” Didn’t we already have enough ridiculous with whoshewhatsit from ESPN during the 49ers game?

I’m not affected by Veterans’ bridge or 28 stuff, but the Squirrel Hill tunnels are a major impact on my drive.

“The tunnel rehab at Squirrel Hill will go through this summer, the summer of 2013 and wrap up early in the summer of 2014.”

Grrr.

[Begin Shameless Plug]

Keep Calm and Maintain Speed Through Tunnels
Get it at my Skreened store

[End Shameless Plug]

Hopefully, crews will go in and get that elusive tunnel monster that continues to plague drivers heading through it. That has to be the reason why people slow down before they enter the tunnels. They could hire a rag tag group of textile workers to go in and clean it out… That could work. Right?

Right?

Monday Suck: Thoughts on Being Tebowed

2012-01-09T18:13:00.000-05:00

Am I mad? Yes. Do I blame the refs? Yes, to a point. They blew calls on both sides of the ball. I get it. The lateral, the missed facemask, etc. We get it. We are not the NFL’s whipping boys, but no helmet to helmet calls? Come on, people.

Is Tebow a good story? No.

Why? Because he’s what’s wrong with this league. The NFL is slowly becoming the WWE.

Hear me out.

Wrestling is an entertainment sport. It’s all about the drama and the showiness of the participants. The actual sport is an afterthought to the storyline.

The NFL is becoming an entertainment sport where QBs throw the ball for hundreds of yards for a game and never get touched. They’ve changed the rules to take out the violence and make it more marketable. It’s not about safety, it’s about longevity. Go back and watch those old NFL films from the frozen tundra of Lambeau field. The slow motion shots of snow falling on the line of scrimmage where a lineman stands at the ready with a broken nose and dried blood on their jersey. The crunch of helmets and the chance to see a running back barrel through a line to grab five yards and glory. That’s not there, anymore. It’s the hot dogging and pristine conditions and the Madison Avenue gloss of a game that used to be about something more. The will to win. The chance for glory.

But Tebow shows that it’s not about that. Tebow should have been on his ass for most of that game, not in praying position but in a fetal position. He’s a horrible passer who should have been picked off and pushed around. The Steelers stopped the running game and then dared him to throw and he did as if he was Brady or even a healthy Roethlisberger. And even still, you can say that in his first four seasons, Roethlisberger was an ugly passer and unconventional player whose face looked more like Bobby Boucher then Tom Brady. But the difference was that Roethlisberger took his lumps, he ran and was hit. He was down and dirty with the rest of the players. Tebow just stands out there, looks pretty, and throws horribly.

With that, I offer five things that need to be changed in the NFL by next year. Four for the league and one for the Steelers.
1. Fix the stupid rules of legal vs. illegal hits. We won’t hate what’s fair. Either a QB is a runner or a passer, but he can’t go back to being a passer when he tucks the ball and runs… even if he decides to get rid of the ball because a linebacker is coming right at him.

That being said, fine the Browns for putting Colt McCoy back out on the field when he doesn’t know what day it is.

2. Do something about social media and the ridiculousness of dumb people on smart phones. This goes out to Rashard Mendenhall from earlier last year and especially Maurkice Pouncey, who I lost a lot of respect for after seeing him implode on Twitter after the loss to Denver.
Sorry, but how does it feel to have young, impressionable fans see you drop the f-bomb and curse your followers? Not to mention, promoting a buddy’s rap album just after your team lost the AFC Wild Card game. Way to show solidarity.
3. Fix the officiating. Get all the officials into a refresher course, during the offseason, and retrain them on how to call a game. Officiating has been horrible this, all over the league. I know I’m one of those, “whiny Steelers’ fans” but the officiating stinks throughout the league. If they have other jobs during the year, then cover the cost. This crap needs fixed and refs make as much as any other mid level career man. There was a huge strike back in 2001 and it seems that the NFL has some extra cash this year from very lucrative television deals.

4. Enough with the marketing and capitalism of the game. Remember, Bubba Smith did spots for Miller Lite. Troy Polamalu, who I still think is one of the most aggressive and hardnosed players, does ones for shampoo. Granted, it’s not Joe Namath in pantyhose, but still. Stop making this league about the money and make it about the game. It’s football. It’s not entertainment. It’s a sport. It’s a rough and tumble sport. There are injuries. There will be blood. Stop wussifying this game for whatever reason you seem to be doing it and let the players play. If it’s too tough. They need to get a job elsewhere.

And this one goes out to the Steelers.
1. Get your shit in order. Figure out the clock management stuff better. Ben, you’re a hell of a QB but stop trying to be a damn hero and play the game. Be smart about it. You beat New England by out Bradying Brady. You have Antonio Brown and Mike Wallace, two of the fastest receivers on the planet. Give them the short drops and let them leg it out, because even when healthy, you have a tendency to inaccurately throw to them over long distances. And receivers and backs need to stop this juking crap you do when you square off with someone. Redman was doing his tornado stuff but that was after he was already hit. When you come up field and someone gets in your way, run over them. You’re liable to get a few more yards than by slowing your gait and trying to fake them out while three other guys are closing in on your position.

2011 D-Bag Awards: Final Round

2012-01-04T16:48:00.002-05:00

2011 will go down as one of the weirdest years on the books. We had all kinds of natural disasters, scandals, occupy movements, tea baggers, GOP hopefuls, sports ridiculousness, and Herman Cain. Well, 9-9-9!

With that, I give you the final round of the 2011 D-Bag Awards. We had 32 nominees in eight categories of four. It was a hard fought battle on some fronts but the cream of the crop rose to the occasion to meet in Thunderdome. Let’s take a look at our contenders:

News / Media – Mark Madden
Affected People – Mother Nature
Business – PayPal
Sports People - Jerry Sandusky
Wannabe Celebrities (Reality Shows) – The Kadashians
Sports as a Business – PSU

I wish I could say there is a competition here because there are some really great competitors in this final round. Each one, in any given year could be the winner. However, there is one nominee that stands miles apart from the rest. And while the entire story is yet to be told, they will be forever known as the definition of evil and depravity and I hope they rot in hell if they are found to be guilty of what they’ve done.

That one person is Jerry Sandusky. You are the biggest douchebag in 2011.

PSU gets the consolation prize for turning a blind eye on all your despicable acts.

To all you potential d-bags in 2012. See you in December.

WUMF: December Edition

2012-01-01T23:30:00.000-05:00

Another year has ended and once again, I bring you WUMF!

I had planned on having this in on New Year's Eve, but unfortunately forces were working against me.

Guards On Slicers Not Just Suggestions
I said forces were working against me.   My wife got a new Slicer/Chopper for Christmas and decided to bust it out in order to cook up New Year's Eve dinner for midnight. It's called a Genius chopper and apparently, we were unqualified to operate it.

My wife said, "Well how do I get the onions to be slivers for the pierogis?" I said, "Look, it's simple." I added in the slicer attachment and then proceeded to slice up an onion and then a small chunk of my finger. "Way to go, dumbass." It was just a little bit, not even noteworthy. So, I said, "Well, that's why you use the guard. You stick it on the onion and slide it back and forth."

As I went into the bathroom to get a bandage for my finger I hear, "OW!" and then some four letter word. "What happened, genius?" Turns out, my wife couldn't stand to be showed up by me and took an even bigger chunk out of her right ring finger. We couldn't get it to stop bleeding. We tried everything. At one point, I thought we were going to end up at the ER, which is typical for us around the holidays. Most people use the holidays to get together with family and enjoy the company and the event. We use it as an excuse to try and max out our medical deductible.

Well, my father-in-law came over and was able to properly dress her finger, cause I left with a light bulb looking bandage which quickly soaked up a lot of blood. After she was settled down, the festivities needed to continue, so, the second string came in to cook the food and get everything ready. That would be me. I should have tried harder to get out of work.

Christmas
My kid's fourth Christmas was apparently her 14th. This year she sat among the boxes and made two piles of gifts. I asked her what each pile was. She said, "One is the presents I wanted and the other is stuff I didn't want." I asked her which was which. She said that the one with the toys was the pile she really wanted.  She then proceeded to say, "See, Daddy. Even when I'm bad I get presents.

Work
As I close in on a full year at my new job, it's hard to realize that it has been a full year. I left nearly ten years of service, over three weeks of vacation and a lot of friends. And you know what? It was the right decision. Even though there are challenges in my new job, some good, some bad, I know that it was time for me to go. Not saying why, just that my later mother-in-law would have approved of the change.

WDVE shakeup
WTF?!? Last year, Randy Baumann suddenly disappeared from the morning show. He was brought back about a month later. Now, Jim Krenn, who has been the long time morning show host, has disappeared from the air since December 6th. No word on why or if he'll be back. There isn't a contract to be negotiated and even though I only get to listen to about an hour of the show, I've noticed that Krenn hasn't been on between 6 and 7am all year. The running gag was always that Jim only works two weeks out of the year, so speculation is only set to run wild.

In the long run money is probably a factor here. Money and ratings.   Regardless, if he is gone, it's a big change to morning radio for me. I was a bit uneasy about Randy Baumann taking over for Scott Paulsen 12 years ago but I've adjusted to it. I don't know if it will be the same here.

Free Time
For Christmas I got Uncharted 3, Dead Island, and Call of Duty MW3. The only thing I forgot to ask Santa for was free time. I've been playing Dead Island and it's pretty sweet and sometimes a tad unsettling. Most of the zombies are Romero speed but the Infected, as they are called are more like Zack Snyder or Danny Boyle speed zombies.   In fact, there are a tons of pop culture nods to all things zombies and other stuff. One sign painted on a wall says, "Don't Open. Dead Inside"   At another point, the main character has to go look for a crashed plane from Oceanic Air, a nod to lost.    It's fun and sick and gory and I'm finding it hard to do anything else, like cook New Year's dinner because my wife sliced up her finger. lol.

Happy New Year!

2011 D-Bag Awards: News and Media D-Bags

2011-12-31T11:04:00.000-05:00

CORRECTION: Julian Assange was originally listed as a nomination but I effed up. He was already nominated last year for the same thing so, thankfully a substitution was able to just slip in at the last moment. Thanks to Mark Madden for being a d-bag alternate.

Mark Madden – Get out of the kitchen fridge you fat d-bag
Unless you are unfamiliar with Madden’s career, there’s Wikipedia for that. Basically, he’s a shock jock who likes to hear himself talk. He got his ass whooped by Tank Abbot on WCW years ago, when he was a commentator. He has shown how much he hates Jerome Bettis which was basically Pittsburgh’s favorite son, save for that one fumble in the Indianapolis game in 2005.
And he took center stage this year shouting from the rooftops that he knew the whole Sandusky incident before the rest of the world did. Well, he didn’t. Sara Ganim wrote a piece of The Patriot News back in March that predates Mark Madden’s article from April. Madden just has a bigger following in the sports community and pointed the finger more on Penn State and Joe Paterno than Ganim did. But back to Mark Madden and his other 2011 idiocies.

Anyway, he got into a Twitter battle with some girl this month and basically said, “Get back in the kitchen”. Now, whether he knows his hockey stuff or sports for that matter is irrelevant. As a member of the media, social or otherwise, you need to conduct yourself in a manner that does not represent your employer in a bad light. And he does this with great aplomb.

Rupert Murdoch – Suddenly I heard a tapping on my phone
Ahh, Rupert, you were probably the most powerful person in the media world, more so than Howard Stern or Oprah Winfrey and now… you’re an even bigger d-bag than you were before Jonathan Pryce modeled his bad guy persona from Tomorrow Never Dies on you. Why? Because you are the CEO of News Corp. Your company, News of the World was hacking and tapping people’s phones, including a murder victim. The buck stops with you, no matter what. He was even requested to appear before parliament and declined to attend because he was unavailable. That takes balls. Who, in this country, could be so bold and powerful that he could be called before Congress to give evidence to an inquiry and decline because of a scheduling conflict? He, of course, attended the inquiry and said it was the ‘most humbling day of his life.’ I’m sure, as you sit atop your billions, you feel very humble while you let your company do these horrible deeds.

Old Spice – The company that smelled like success, now smells like old man
There was a brief moment in 2010 when Old Spice was cool. When Isaiah Mustafa appeared in a series of commercials dubbed, “The Man Your Man Could Smell Like”, the world was a buzz about this unknown man who suddenly was in the shower, then on a boat with diamonds and finally on a cow. More commercials followed and so did success for Mustafa who appeared on Chuck and as a police officer in Horrible Bosses.

Then, Old Spice switched it up and went with Fabio as their spokesperson. Everything grew cold and dark and the world became less of a happy place to live in among women who loved that Mustafa appeared in almost every commercial with nothing more than a towel, a six pack, and the hopes that gravity would somehow reverse itself.

Whether it was an intentional joke or Old Spice lived up to their name, Fabio muddled through his English and looked nothing like he did 20 years ago. The Internet went up in arms and a challenge was posted for title of the Old Spice Guy.

Problem was, did they really think we were dumb? This entire gimmick has cheapened the clever effects of the original ad campaign that blew up Mustafa’s star power. Now, it’s almost sad to see Fabio compete in a battle of sex appeal where he’s clearly bringing a pair of safety scissors to a bazooka fight. Old Spice continues to be the winner as new ads for Christmas showed up with Mustafa clearly back in control of the moniker of “Old Spice Guy”. Makes you wonder if they simply gave him a hiatus to go off and film a movie and some other roles with the intent to introduce then yank Fabio. The only one not in on the joke was perhaps Fabio.

In any case, because Old Spice used their social media and commercial prowess to pull off this dastardly deed, they land in the Media category as their business practices don’t exactly stink… as far as we know. Now look back at the list. We have one more.

Perez Hilton – From d-list celebrity to d-bag nominee for a second year
Bringing up the rear is a perpetual d-bag who is now a repeat nominee alongside Death and Roger Goodell which doesn’t say much for the company Death keeps, I guess. The biggest reason Hilton is on the list this year is because he’s a hypocrite. He slammed Roger Ebert’s tweet of “Friends don’t let Jackasses drink and drive” over the death of Ryan Dunn saying, “…This is somebody’s son, too soon Roger.” Eventually, Ebert recanted saying he had no idea whether or not Dunn was intoxicated at the time of the deadly crash… which was later found out to be the case. Dunn was indeed a jackass that claimed his life along with another because he was an idiot and drove 110 mph while intoxicated.

But back to Perez’s comments of Dunn being someone’s son. Perez had no trouble in posting photos all over his site of a then underage Miley Cyrus appearing to not be wearing underwear. Last I checked, Miley was somebody’s daughter, too and I believe that being under the age of 18 made it too soon to be exposing her like that. Granted, there were no charges for child pornography given that the photos were not of a sexual nature but he was a hypocrite, nonetheless.

And while we’re on the subject of people’s children, how he continually outed celebrities ranks up there with bullying. While he didn’t appear to out anyone this year, his tactics in the past speak volumes towards his hypocritical nature.

Being a part of the social media world gives you a voice. Your brain gives you the ability to know when to hold your tongue. The Internet gives us the ability to point out when you’re a hypocritical d-bag.

OK, enough debate, let’s pick a winner.

Mark Madden. You get the nod this time. Why? Well, because for one, I’ve never liked you. I refuse to listen The X on my way home from work, because I might just catch your bombastic idiotic mouth breathing voice in my ear. Now when you go on WDVE, to fill in for Mike Prisuta, you’re totally different, almost humorous. I’m still inclined to gouge out my ears with my car keys but it seems as if your demeanor changes when you are not playing the part of pompous wind bag on your own show.

Yet, playing the part doesn't mean tou get to be a d-bag to other people over Twitter, especially when it demeans women. Just because a girl comments on sports does not mean she is clueless. And it doesn't mean you can spout off your own misogynistic opinions and not think that it's a big deal to your employers. You've already been fired twice for being an asshat. Don't think you're immune because it's the X and you are who are. If the X doesn't hope lose listeners over this then they're just as despicable, which is why I stopped listening to them back in the days of Alan Cox. Bravo d-bag! You've made it to the finals which will be posted next week.

2011 D-Bag Awards: D-Bags That Have Affected People

2011-12-28T17:11:00.005-05:00

OK, this one is a bit of a potpourri of d-bags. I couldn’t find anyway else to slice it so these folks were d-bags to people’s lives and property.

And the nominees are:

Mother Nature - Never a more harsher mistress
2011 saw its share of natural disasters. We had falling birds in January. Dead fish on the shores. Dead crabs in England. Then the biggie, an 8.9 magnitude Earthquake which caused a tsunami that devastated parts of Japan including a nuclear reactor. Another Earthquake in Myanmar. Tornadoes in my backyard, which spawned this..

We can joke about it but that's because no one was seriously injured, not like the 180 people in Alabama in April. Then the Mississippi flooded its banks causing more destruction. A volcano in Iceland blew its wad, grounding international air travel. And the rest of the year was marked with more dead aquatic life, volcanoes and earthquakes. Quite a year we had, eh? Mother Nature; don't piss her off.

Death - becomes a third place candidate
Death had a busy year it seems...

Here's a small list...
Steve Jobs, Amy Winehouse, Joe Frazier, Elizabeth Taylor, Jackie Cooper, Jane Russell, Peter Falk, Harry Morgan, Cliff Robertson, Michael Gough, Frances Bay, Clairce Taylor, Patrice O’Neal, Pete Postlethwaite, Annette Charles, Jeff Conaway, Unlce Leo (Seinfeld) and Uncle Frank (Jimmy Kimmel), Sherwood Schwartz, Bubba Smith, Andy Whitfield, Duke Snider, Harmon Killbrew, Al Davis, Macho Man Randy Savage, Jack Lalane, Dan Wheldon, Mikey Welsh, Jerry Leiber, Pinetop Perkins, David Honeyboy Edwards, Paul Motian, Willie Big Eyes Smith, Heavy D, Jon Bon Jovi... no wait, he just had a headache, Jani Lane, Dobie Gray, Dolores Hope, Clarence Clemmons, Betty Ford, Geraldine Ferraro, Jack Kevorkian, 460 casualties in war on terror operations, All that and Andy Rooney

But for all the people Death took from us, he failed to take all of the people in the rapture, twice. So, either Harold Camping is full of shit or Death was asleep at the wheel.   Guess which is more likely...

Vancouver Stanley Cup Rioters - Love among the chaos
It's never easy when your team loses the big game. The Steelers found that out twice in 15 years when they lost their second Super Bowl out of eight appearances to the Green Bay Packers. The Penguins were eliminated by Tampa Bay in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs to Tampa Bay and by the end of it the underdog Vancouver Canucks were left to face off against Boston.    Vancouver lost.

However, when Pittsburgh wins a championship, we trash the city, burn couches and what not.   The South Side resembles a scene out of the remake of Dawn of the Dead with hundreds, if not thousands of people in the streets. But Vancouver took the loss of the Stanley Cup finals a little too hard and basically destroyed Vancouver. In the middle of it all, two people posed for a defining moment in the mess, kissing in the middle of the street behind baton wielding officers. Ahh, amore.

John Pike - I spray everyone I meet like that
TIME called 'The Protestor' their person of the year. Between the Arab Spring and the Occupy movement, 2011 became the year of the angry citizen.

Amidst the chaos of the 'Occupy UC Davis' protests, a group of protesters were seated in an area and then Officer John Pike went down the line pepper spraying them in the eyes while mobile devices recorded the entire exchange. Instantly, Pike gained Internet infamy as his image was 'shopped' into various works of art and pop culture moments. Just goes to show you when the right protests they're called patriots. When the left do it, they're called dirty drum circle hippies that need a good pepper spraying.

And the winner is...
In my initial rundown of all the nominees I was very clear on who I was going to pick before I wrote up the posts. It's not that I had a preconceived notion of who would win, but clearly the odds were heavily in favor of some more than others. However, in this category I found it hard to determine a winner.

Death is always a safe bet because he tends to hurt everyone connected to those that have died. My childhood gets wrecked every year and 2011 was no exception, especially with the losses like Harry Morgan, Peter Falk, Clarence Clemmons, and Bubba Smith. The losses among soldiers trying to help protect us overseas is also a hard pill to swallow.   Death will always have a place on my all time d-bag list, to be published sometime around 2075, if he doesn't come calling for me sooner, but for now he's simply an acceptable evil in the world.   After all, 2011 also saw the death of Osama Bin Laden, Kim Jong Il, and that guy whose name no one can spell over in Libya, so there are some acceptable losses.

The Occupy Movement has provided me with enough rage fodder to keep me going until 2013 but John Pike is merely one man and has affected one group of people. He's obviously in worse shape off this list than on it, so while he carries a huge impact he's still just an idiot that abused his position of power.

I guess that means Mother Nature has to be the winner. Why not the Vancouver rioters? I feel bad for them. Their team couldn't win the championship game for a sport their country invented. I mean when was the last time a team won the World Series that wasn't in the United States? 1993. The Toronto Blue Jays. Coincidentally, 1993 was the last time a Canadian team won the Stanley Cup.

So, look for Mother Nature to be competing in the finals.

2011 D-Bag Awards: Business

2011-12-28T07:10:00.000-05:00

If I could name them all and fit them on the ballet, I would. Simply put, they make up the 99% of the d-bags in this world, but alas I had to narrow it down to four. Here we go…

NetFlix – You’ve cornered the market on mail order DVD and streaming, now go screw it up.
NetFlix pretty much had all the cards. They brought down the biggest name in video stores, Blockbuster, they introduced online streaming of movies and were poised to own the market on video delivery services. What could possibly go wrong?

Well… in July the raised their prices in an attempt to separate the physical DVD business from the streaming one. Then in September they went one step further and decided to split off the DVD rental service into a new brand called Qwikster. They found out the Twitter handle, Qwikster, was already taken. The bad part was that the kid using Qwikster on Twitter was a bit of a weed smoker. Maybe they could have cut him a deal on Cheech and Chong films. Ultimately, they dropped the Qwikster idea and went back to being good ole NetFlix. Alas, the damage was done. Subscribers left, stocks dropped and the once shining company that lorded over the DVD rental service found themselves to be seen for what they were, greedy d-bags.
Bank of America – Working hard for your money.
BoA should just understand that they’re screwed. They are what’s wrong with the economy and the notion that capitalism will win out in the end. Every year they find themselves on “worst company” lists and 2011 was no exception.

2011 kicked off with indictments over wire fraud and antitrust conspiracies. Then they decided to start laying off people despite earning $6.2 billion in profits in the third quarter. But the biggest feather in their d-bag hat was the $5.00 ATM fee for Debit Card transactions which sparked outrage and led to people ‘breaking up’ with Bank of America on Bank Transfer Day. Their only defense, “We have a right to make a profit.” Fine, then we have a right to vote with our wallet.

Paypal – We Regretsy to inform you you’re doing it wrong.
Regretsy tried to do something nice. They tried to get donations to help children out this year at Christmas. For that, PayPal decided to do something douchey and tell Regretsy that they used to the wrong button for charitable donations. First they tacked on fees to the donations, then they informed Regretsy they had to refund the money to those who donated… oh wait, minus the fees that were affixed by PayPal. Then they wouldn’t release the funds and froze Helen Killer’s account, including her revenue for her book. Finally, they backed off and released the funds and apologized. Too little too late.

I am also feeling the loathe for PayPal when they recently forced one of the Print on Demand websites I use to start using a different form of payment to me which attaches fees of 2.9% plus $0.30 on payments to me. While no other PoD publisher has been affected it looks as if PayPal is going after the little guy on this one, and I don’t just mean me, I mean the PoD site.

The Retail Industry – It’s Black Friday Somewhere.
Every year the Christmas Creep begins in earnest a little earlier. Consumerist has scores of articles, with proof submitted by readers, of stores advertising holiday sales and products WAY before it’s even time to think about such things. However, this year, this shit just got real.

Thanksgiving is usually the last day before the holiday season really kicks into high gear. But stores thought it would be better to start their sales on Thanksgiving and even in the late hours of the night before. The unfortunate part was that in order to have a sale, you need a staff, and to get a staff you have to rain on somebody’s holiday.

And for all the trouble, the retail industry had record sales this year, along with a few incidences of violence among shoppers.

Listen up, retail industry, you cannot fix the economy just by offering your overly priced, slightly discounted made in China crap a day early. Americans wait until the last possible minute anyway. This shit with Black Friday has got to stop. Nobody wants to go out and get assaulted while picking up a $50 SONEE Blu-Ray Player that only plays discs in the Pacific Rim. So, stop it. Either make it safer or give up the ghost. No one gets hurt when people flood Amazon.com so much with orders that the site crashes. No innocent workers get trampled to death. Nobody has to stand out in the cold with a leftover turkey sandwich waiting for Best Buy to open to get a rain check for an iPad2.

The smartest thing this year was online retailers extending free shipping or shipping in general this year. There’s your new model for success. Deal with it d-bags.

OK, after that bit of cleansing, I’m ready to present this round’s winner… and it is:

Why them?

Because they grinched Christmas from kids in the quest for the almighty 2.9% plus $0.30. This isn't just because I got burned. Yes, BoA screwed a lot more people, but do we expect them to do any less? NetFlix did an about face quickly when they realized their mistake and frankly, the Retail industry is a loss cause but PayPal went above and beyond douchebaggery in order to screw over someone trying to do something good. And they did it all because of a wrong button? Eff you. d-bags. I'm moving to physical checks for my payments.

2011 D-Bag Awards: Sports as a Business

2011-12-19T16:48:00.001-05:00

In this round we go beyond the one person involved with sports and directly attack the business end of sports.

So, let’s see…

The NBA – Caught with their Dirk out.
Not wanting to let the NFL have all the fun, the NBA decided to have a lockout lasting from July 1st through December 8th. While, the NFL’s lockout lasted just as long, (around five months) the NBA’s managed to cut the season short to a 66 game one. The biggest complaint, money.

What separates the NFL’s lockout from the NBA is that while the NFL was already perched to make more money, thanks to a huge TV deal, the NBA cried it was losing money to player salaries.

Come on, you had the most exciting story of the year. LeBron James shuns Cleveland to join the Miami Heat where there was a ball shortage and in the first year of playing there they reach the finals. LeBron was getting his wish. He joined a team that could bring home a trophy. Oh, but they didn’t. That’s right. The Mavericks showed them up and won 4-2. Oh, and they did it in Miami. Wow, that sucks huh? Your biggest story of the year became a joke because the team you probably hate to see win, did just that and wiped their Dirk all over your face. The man you can’t control, Mark Cuban, made a mockery of your league and I loved every minute of it. So, let’s have a lockout because YOU say you’re losing money.

The NFL – We’re all about player safety just as long as we make money.
The NFL had its own lockout this year after one of its Titanesque teams, The Green Bay Packers won the Super Bowl. But, even before the lockout started, the NFL showed just how douchey it could be with the Super Bowl.

The debacle that was Dallas stadium and its mismanaging of seating and organization was laughable. It was almost as if nature conspired against them as an ice storm hit the area causing traffic accidents due to the fact that Texans just can’t handle snow and ice all that well.

Then the inconsistency of the debate during the lockout over, “We are all about player safety, but let’s have an 18 game regular season” made things even more ridiculous. You want player safety? Well, then why would you lobby for a chance to have players continue to pound and injure each other for another two weeks?

And of course, the board that hands out the punishments for helmet to helmet hits continually cannot be consistent in their judgment and punishment. Congratulations NFL, for all your posturing, the real reason you exist is to make gads of money for the owners and you continue to make a mockery of a once proud and rough and tumble sport.

The Pittsburgh Pirates - Hold On for one more season, things may go your way.
Where do I begin? The Pirates started off the year by saying that they could only increase the payroll if they could increase attendance. What appeared to be simple math became a cry of “Why aren’t you coming to the ball park?” Well, because after 18 years of sucking, you haven’t put out a decent team to root for.

That would all change if we could “Hold On” for one more day. And we did. We (not me, mind you) went to the ballpark and we cheered on our Buccos as they seemed to turn the corner. Soon, they were .500. Then they were in first place of the division. Then they had a winning streak. Then Jerry Meals shat all over us in Atlanta and the All Star Break came and then we slid down into the basement and ended the year under .500.

And to top it all off… they raised ticket prices for next year. Well, we kept our end of the bargain, now pony up some payroll and put together a winning team, douche bags.

PSU - If you're Happy and you know it, you're probably drinking too much Kool-Aid
Happy Valley, a serene and quiet agricultural town that just happens to hold the biggest secret in NCAA sports. Far beyond OSU’s players trading memorabilia for tats, far beyond Miami’s booster scandals, far beyond Cecil Newton trying to sell his son Cam to the highest bidding college, PSU held onto the biggest secret in all of collegiate sports. It was one that brought down an empire.

As you probably saw in the last round, Jerry Sandusky took the prize as the biggest d-bag in sports personas. After all, how could he not? In any case, PSU facilitated the biggest cover up, potentially. The President, the Athletic Director, the VP (who oversaw campus police), and even the one person who answered to no one, Joe Paterno. None of them did what was right. They only did what was required.

If we teach our children anything about integrity and morals, it should be that when you see or hear of someone being harmed, whether or not you can verify it at that moment, you do something. You follow up. You take action. This was about children and innocence and a lifetime of repercussions that would follow. Just kicking the can down the road was akin to getting in line behind Jerry in that shower.

And for that, the mystique and invulnerability of PSU is now gone and hopefully, justice will be served. Do not weep for your king, because your king did not do what was right.

With that, I think it's clear that PSU wins this round. Drink up douchebags. The Kool-Aid is just fine.

Help My Bro Get His Christmas Wish

2011-12-16T11:29:00.000-05:00

We interrupt the annual d-bag list to swing the pendulum 180 degrees. This is for a good cause.
My family.

OK, I don’t talk much about them, for their own sake. Why bring them down to my level, right? But, in all seriousness, it’s about time that nice guys finish first.

My brother is a Jeep man. With a name like ours, the odds that we have fully functional vehicles at all times is a myth. From the time we learned to drive, we had hand me down vehicles. My brother drove a Ford Grenada that had seen better days and had a paint job that was the equivalent of an Ugly Camouflage Christmas Sweater. He drove a Plymouth Horizon that was bequeathed from our Aunt. He drove a Buick Regal that had gone the same route.

When he graduated college, the first thing he did when he got a good job was buy a brand new Eagle Talon. Eventually, it got old and needed replaced. Soon, he was back to driving second hand vehicles but made sure his wife had a new one. Soon, he was able to buy a Wrangler Unlimited but at stock configuration. He’s never really been able to customize it the way he really wanted to, so that he could enjoy it to its fullest.

Well, his wife has nominated him for the Rough Country Suspensions Christmas Giveaway and if you could go and comment or like their video share it around, whatever, and help him get his Christmas wish it would be awesome.

Find Denise Puskar’s video and LIKE IT SO HARD!!!!

2011 D-Bag Awards: Sports People

2011-12-15T16:44:00.042-05:00

In the wide world of sports, there are many d-bags. There’s something about a sports environment that leads to over privileged people making a mockery of their place as a role model to young people who look to them as a way to live their lives.

In 2011, sports in general, took a lot of self inflicted hits over the way the machine has run for decades. However, that machine is run by people and people operate it. To that end, here are the biggest d-bags of the sports world for 2011.

But first, I need to tell you about my friend. I apologize for interrupting this awards list for such stuff but I couldn't sit idly by and see this happen to someone I care about. You see, my friend has been unlucky in finding that perfect someone over the last year.   They were in a pretty decent relationship for six years with a guy named Dave.   Dave wasn't the most perfect person in the world and he was kind of an underachiever but he was a decent guy and you could count on him to be there if you needed him. Unfortunately, it never seemed like Dave was ever going to rise to the occasion and seal the deal, so they parted ways.

But when it seemed like my friend was going to be without someone, they found another guy two weeks later, named Michael. Actually, another friend introduced them. Now, Michael appeared to be a great guy.   We never heard anything bad about him. He came highly recommended by our mutual friend that did the introducing. What we didn't know was that he had a problem.   Unfortunately, that problem became public when Michael was arrested for domestic violence in late December last year. My friend quickly cut ties with Michael and our mutual friend apologized for the whole thing.

Well, not to worry, I guess, because my friend found a new guy, Todd, introduced to them by the same guy that introduced them to Michael. You can surely understand how leery we were of this new guy.   He was an older gentleman and he liked to talk. He would talk about he had all these great plans for the future. He spoke of integrity.   Of course, we didn't trust this guy, but it seemed like everything would be OK. For almost a year they were together and it was a little bit rough.   There would be problems and Todd would constantly say, "There's nothing wrong with our relationship, it must be you." He was constantly throwing my friend under the bus when things didn't go right. We could all see the cracks showing, but he insisted he was in the relationship for the long haul.

Then, sadly, he just took off for Arizona. Said, he had found his dream partner and wanted to be closer to his family that he had out there. Yet, he never spoke of having any family out there. My friend was floored. They found out in the worst way. Todd didn't even have the guts to tell them to their face. He simply texted he was leaving and that was it. All that talk of commitment and integrity was for show and he was only really interested in money. What a jerk?

Now my friend is alone again and they were supposed to go to this big party down in Alabama next month and have no one to take them. I think Todd's good friend is going to take them, but I don't think he'll hang around for very long afterwards.

So, on behalf of my friend, 'Eff you Todd Graham. The only high octane thing you had was that bus waiting to take you out of town. The same high octane bus you constantly threw your quarterback under."   It's just too bad you did this so late or you could have made the official list of d-bags for 2011.

Now back to the list.

Jim Tressel – Tit for Tat OSU.
As the head coach of The Buckeyes, Jim Tressel, had an impressive overall record of 94-22. He also had a record of playing fast and loose with the rules of collegiate sports long before he wore the scarlet and gray.

Even though he had been cleared of wrong doing in the past, he continued to see collegiate football as above the law. In 2011, he came under fire when some of his players accepted payment, in the form of tattoos, for memorabilia from their collegiate achievements. While the players received suspensions and Tressel offered to fall on the same sword, it became apparent that his knowledge of this incident as well as others, in the past, showed a pattern of abuse of the rules. Tressel resigned and the University went into self imposed probation and vacated their 2010 season record.

Tressel bounced back, sort of, as he took a position with the Indianapolis Colts. Although, considering how their season has been without QB Peyton Manning on the field, he ended up on the short end of the stick. Still, if he’s still on the staff next year, he could find himself on a winning team if the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes favors the Colts come draft time.

As clean as Tressel may appear in all his doings, preaching about doing the right thing and being a good student athlete, his real life just goes to show that there are rules for student athletes and there are rules for everyone else. No matter how you slice it, he’s a hypocrite and a d-bag.

Jerry Sandusky – Former PSU coach and alleged child rapist.
Out in Happy Valley, there is a bubble that surrounds the entire community. They have their rules, their own lives, and their own sense of entitlement that supersedes all others. We call it, “Drinking the PSU Kool-Aid.”

But that bubble burst when authorities began investigating allegations that former defensive coordinator and founder of The Second Mile organization, Jerry Sandusky, had sexually abused kids on campus property. Soon, Camelot crumbled and people, very important people, like Joe Paterno lost their jobs over the scandal that rocked Happy Valley.

Now, of course, Sandusky, is innocent until proven guilty. However, when you go on national television and take 16 seconds to answer ‘No’ to the question of, ‘Are you sexually attracted to young boys’, reasonable doubt becomes harder to find.

Of course, it doesn’t help when your defense attorney tells people to call a gay phone sex service if they think his client is guilty. If the Ohio State University scandal peeled back a layer of the underbelly of corruption in collegiate sports, the Sandusky scandal aims to rip it to the bone.

In the end, the only silver lining is that perhaps this shines a better light on how we put too much importance on the business of collegiate sports as a money maker and not enough on how we are supposed to be mentoring young people into better adults.

Jerry Meals – He says it’s safe to run with scissors.
Imagine living in a city where winning seasons is not just a wish but an expectation. You have a top notch football team that has won more championships than any other team in the league and you have a high performance hockey team that has arguably the greatest player in the world among their ranks. Then you have a baseball team that has a 19 year losing record and reality comes crashing down.

Then imagine that in 2011, the dark clouds over PNC park appear to vanish and the bright rays of winning come shining down on the field as The Pittsburgh Pirates began to win more games than they lose. Of course, they go back and forth between being under .500 and over, but for the most part, the Pirate Ship seems to have been righted after so many bad years.

Then, on July 26th, 2011, one of the longest baseball games ever takes place. In the wee hours of the morning, during the 19th inning, the umpire makes a horrendous call that costs your underdog team a win and starts the downward spiral back into a place where they end up having delusions of mediocrity.

When Jerry Meals called Julio Lugo safe at home, it sparked a firestorm among Pirates fans. Meals and his family became the target of death threats. The league even admitted that Meals was wrong but that was too late. If only Meals would have watched the jumbotron and seen how wrong he was he could have reversed the call and even though the game could have gone on a couple more hours, his world would have been spared. But nope, he was a d-bag and now there are shirts like this… (Shameless Plug)

Jerry Meals Says It's Safe

Roger Goodell – The Commissioner has no clothes.
Anyone who reads the blog, here, knows at least two things. I can’t write and I hate Roger Goodell. The writing thing could probably be helped but the Roger Goodell thing is eternal. I don’t care that he’s brought the NFL and its teams’ owners more money than any other commissioner. I don’t care that he has rallied a call for player safety. He’s a d-bag and will always be a d-bag in my book. In fact, I may just rename the awards to the Roger Goodell award just to show my ire over this man.

I won’t get into the debate over whether he’s targeting the Steelers on any given Sunday. I won’t even argue his continued punishment of the Steelers because in all likelihood, they did the deeds they were punished for. My continued railing against Goodell comes over his incapacity for consistency in doling out of punishments.

Ben Roethlisberger was given a six game suspension for allegedly (never charged) assaulting a woman in Milledgeville, GA. It was reduced to four and the Steelers ended up 3-1 without their star QB and even made it to the Super Bowl. But Albert Haynesworth gropes a waitress and pleaded no contest to the accusation. Haynesworth is a repeat offender off the field with his alleged conduct including traffic violations and battery which make him more of a threat to society than Roethlisberger and he receives no punishment, no suspension, and no fines over this waitress incident. That alone causes Goodell to make this list and with the latest punishment handed on James Harrison, he nearly takes the bracket.

But still, in the scheme of things, there can be only one overall biggest d-bag among sports people and that is…

Jerry Sandusky

I don’t think I need to justify my decision with anything other than, if what happened is true and he even used Second Mile as a way to pimp kids to high paying pedophiles then he deserves to burn for eternity after serving life in prison.

2011 D-Bag Awards: Celebrities

2011-12-14T16:27:00.003-05:00

The celebrity category. Sometimes when you’re famous for something you forget that the door swings both ways. Just ask Mel Gibson. And whether you wreck your expensive car or spout off against police while they arrest you for DUI, it doesn’t matter how big you may be, because the fall is just as meteoric and hurts a hell of a lot more when you hit the Earth.

In this bracket, few late entries did not make it into the mix like Alec Baldwin, who got booted off of a flight for playing Words With Friends on his mobile device, when he was clearly asked not to. Now, is it possible that mobile devices do not interfere with airplane electronics? Sure. After all, they were on the ground when the incident occurred, so the likelihood that the plane would explode because Alec played the word, ‘Incendiary’ is minimal. However, the flight crew asked you to stop and you didn’t. You are no more special than my schmuck ass back in coach with the crying babies. Get over it, you rude little pig. Frankly, I was a bit pissed at American Airlines for halting Alec because I was just about to beat his ass with the word, ‘entitled’.

Also, missing the cut was Ashton Kutcher, who managed to miss a spot after putting on a stellar display of d-baggery this fall. He made comments on Twitter about the Jerry Sandusky scandal, nailed the wrong chick or at least did it without Demi involved, and he’s pretty much tanking Two and a Half Men into the sea below the balcony on Charlie Sheen’s old place. However, we only had space for more and they are just as douchey as Kelso and Donaghy .

Chris Brown – Didn’t hit Rihanna this year, but a GMA dressing room window seeks a PFA.
Chris made a name for him in music, but his stupidity has made him more infamous. So infamous that when asked about the whole restraining order situation with Rihanna he became violent and trashed his dressing room after his auto-tune heavy performance of ‘Yeah 3x’. He threw a chair at a window then stormed out shirtless. Then he tweeted up a firestorm about praising Charlie Sheen while bashing him. Well, in the case of bashing him, GMA simply brought up a preapproved topic, by Brown. And as far as Charlie Sheen… we’ll get to that.

Let’s face it, Chris. You’re an angry man. Even if you release a new album, the two year old domestic abuse stuff will follow you around. We like to see how you handle stuff, that’s why we ask you about it. We want to gauge your response and see if you’ll freak out again. Oops. We we’re right. Get over yourself d-bag. You hit a woman. You endured being a exposed to your mom’s abuse by her boyfriend. You learned nothing. Try again in 2012.

Charlie Sheen – Vatican Assassin From Mars Powered By Winning Tiger Blood.
Charlie Sheen was never the A List star Tom Cruise is. Sure, he had some great movies. But for every Platoon or Wall Street, there were five The Arrival or Terminal Velocity films. However, he found success on the small screen taking over for Michael J. Fox on Spin City and then turned his outrageous life into a goldmine of material on Two and a Half Men. So, what went wrong in 2011 that lands him on our list?

Well, after entering rehab for the third time in 12 months, the production of the show had to be shut down. Then, CBS cancelled the remaining episodes of the season after Sheen made derogatory remarks about show creator. He fired back demanding a 50% raise on the already highest paid salary in television because he felt underpaid compared to what the show was pulling in as far as revenue. CBS then fired him putting the show’s future in limbo. He then went on tour and became a viral sensation thanks to a few choice interviews as people gawked and wondered, “Is he high or is he a genius?”

A little of column A and a little of column B. First off, if Sheen is completely sober through all of this then he’s nuts. You don’t bite the hand that feeds you… see Robert Downey Jr. Yeah, RDJ pissed me off for being a bit of a douche when he wouldn’t talk to Jimmy Kimmel’s crew after Iron Man exploded his star power, but he has been smart about his reacceptance into Hollywood. Sheen just reloaded and went 'Hobo with a Shotgun' on them.

It also didn’t help that he was shacked up with two pornstars, sorry, his goddesses, and had his kids run around in that environment. Although, his ex was just as bad of a role model for the kids. He might have made enough from his tour to live comfortably for awhile and seeing Ashton Kutcher tank Two and Half Men in his place shows that in the battle over his ability to be replaced, he’s ‘Winning’ but he’s still a d-bag for screwing all this up in the first place. And that is the torpedo of truth, armed and ready.

Lindsay Lohan – From Disney to Lockup to Centerfold
Should anyone be surprised at how Lindsay Lohan turned out? She took the Disney path to stardom, turned in a few performances of note as an adult and then bottomed out in a bottle. She’s been to rehab, jail, India, jail, rehab, jail… and was she in jail? Oh yeah, that’s right, every time she’s gone to jail, she’s been back out because she’s a non-violent offender. Well, so what?

In February, she stole a necklace, but served house arrest. Then, she failed a random drug test but no additional punishment was given. She screwed up again and had her probation revoked. She ended being sentenced to 30 days in jail of which she spent 5 hours. So, clearly there is no reason to think she’ll stay on the straight and narrow, because every time she gets put in jail, she’s back out.

So, she’s on the list because she continually mocks the justice system and gets rewarded for it. She also ruined what most men would call an excellent chance to finally see all the goods. She’s in Playboy and from the cover photo, she looks bad. She hasn’t looked good in a long time, but the effects of her lifestyle has taken its toll.

Brett Ratner – Heisting is for f**s
He’s a bit brash and a pompous jerk. Not just when he’s playing himself on Entourage, mind you. But he managed to screw up what could have been a great Oscar telecast by going on Howard Stern and saying that ‘Rehearsal is for f**s.” That won’t win you any points in Hollywood.

Really, what he said is no more than what teens say out on the playground and if you take that too seriously, you need to grow a thicker skin. Yet, he did do a stupid thing and for that he’s a d-bag. He had a chance to make the Oscars bearable after the ridiculous James Franco debacle this past year. He screwed the pooch on that. Thankfully, Billy Crystal came out of hosting retirement to save the day.

And the winner is…

Chris Brown

He just doesn’t get it. He should talk about the Rihanna thing. He should talk about so much that he hurts from the experience, because in the end, you cannot ignore the actions just because you release another album. You are an auto tuned d-bag.

2011 D-Bag Awards: Wannabe Celebrities

2011-12-12T17:03:00.002-05:00

In this category, folks who have made a lasting d-bag impact on the Internet or those who have tried to become a celebrity for lack of a better reason than to land themselves in the lineup of the nominations here will duke it out for a chance to go bags deep against the other bracket winners.

In the past I have been a little more creative in my color commentary on the fight but have opted to keep it simple and save us all a little time. So, without further adieu, here we go.

The Kardashians – 21st Century Television and Pop Culture’s Answer to The Brady Bunch.
First up, we have The Kardashians, Kim, Kourtney, and Khloesquatch… er Khloe. This trifecta of fame whores have kept some glued to their inane brain droppings through their reality show, Keep Up With the Kardashians, & <****> Take <*>, and <*>, or any other derivative their crap. Also, Rob has participated on Dancing With The Stars and even outlasted his older sister which is a testament of how the non-K named Kardashians and Jenners are trying to get away from these other no talent ass clowns. Who are simply famous because their father once got a former football star and actor acquitted of murder.

This year brought a new wrinkle as Kim married and divorced Kris Humpries (There’s that K, again) faster than it takes me to call and get an appointment with my PCP. Truly, the Kardashians are a shining example of why same sex marriage is something that is so dangerous it needs to be neuralyzed from our minds. /sarcasm

They are truly one big collective hot mess of a d-bag. K?

Brooke Mueller – The Fighting Coke Head.
Remember when Brooke had Charlie arrested for assaulting her on Christmas Day? Remember when we all looked at Charlie Sheen and thought he was the one on drugs and out of control? Remember when Brooke snatched little Bob and Max from Sheen’s goddess den of winning and we all thought, “Now that’s the sign of a good mother!”? Remember when we read how Brooke can’t stay off the blow and stop punching people and we realized we may be wrong?

Brooke can’t seem to stay away from Aspen and all the white powder up there. She filed a restraining order against Sheen and had their children physically removed from his custody because she felt he was insane. Now, even though Charlie looks to still be out there on Mars as a Vatican Assassin, the cracks in Brooke’s case appear to be crumbling as she just got busted for assault and drug possession. Somebody gives those kids to Emilio before she does something really stupid.

Michael “The Situation Sorrentino – More Situation than Comedy.
The Jersey Shore refuses to go away, no matter how many times we ask them to not come home. Personally, I love to watch this video from the 0:03 second mark and then just keep clicking there so Snooki gets her poof knocked off again and again and again.

However, this isn’t about Snooki. This is about little Mikey. You know the guy who was brought in to roast Donald Trump? Well, he didn’t so hot.

Sounds like The Situation was more of a bomb threat. Jeff Ross gave him the biggest laugh of the night which was basically a shot how much he sucked. Truthfully, I could watch the rest of the bit. He made some nonsensical, “I banged a hot chick on a pile of money…” joke and after the crickets stopped chirping I flipped back to Snooki being punched repeatedly.

Seriously, the Kardashians should sue this guy for copyrighting their success model which basically has less steps than the Underwear Gnome’s plan and 100% more success. Why do we reward this kind of behavior with multimillion dollar television deals, book deals, and more? Because marketing and network execs laugh at these people all the way to the bank. They know they have no talent and yet they know we have no standards when it comes to entertainment. As long as we keep watching, these people will have an outlet to be d-bags.

Courtney Stodden – Wannabe Celebrity with the fakest looking real boobs on a 40 year old high school bride.
Doug Hutchison was never an A-list actor. He had a small role in The X-Files and then he played a larger one on LOST. In the Green Mile, he was the bastard guard who didn’t soak the sponge before they threw the switch on Mr. Noodle.

But now, at age 51, Doug has taken on a new role. He married 16 year old Courtney Stodden. Now, you may wonder, “Am I on some time travelling, moving, decanter of light island where it’s OK to marry a minor?” Nope, this isn’t the island. This is Vegas. I don’t know which is harder to believe, a mother willing to sign a consent form allowing the marriage of her 16 year old daughter to a 51 year old or that this 16 year old is really 16. Have you seen her?

So, this year has been a real whirlwind courtship as she got kicked out of a pumpkin patch for dry humping her husband in front of kids while wearing daisy dukes and pretty much letting the girls fall out. She did an anti-bullying ad which told kids to stay true to themselves… um, OK, so we should not follow your example of changing who we are? She had a mammogram of her chest to prove she was natural and she shopped around a reality show for her and her hubby. As much as it pains me to say this, she succeeded.

She is a hot mess that can’t sing to save her life and probably is going to become more famous than her husband. He, of course recently pulled out of a movie because his character, an older director, has a sexual relationship with a teenage pop star in his movie. I think he realized the joke and decided that he didn’t need to parody his real life, potentially ruining an already horrible movie idea. At least she’ll be able to go see the movie without an adult when it comes out.

When this all comes crashing down around them, I will say, “Buck up, Courtney. It’ll get better. Not much, but it will.” With that I leave you with this, “

And for the moment you’ve all been waiting for… the winner of this bracket is:

The Kardashians

Why them?

I wanted to give the round to a different Courtney. But, I just couldn’t bring myself to giving her anymore publicity, Mmmmhmmmmm. The Kardashians come at you with sheer numbers. Besides, the whole farce of a marriage between Kim and Kris makes them that much more despicable. At least Doug and Courtney have made it past 180 days of marriage, more than twice that of Kim and Kris. I can only hope Doug gets crowned prom king on their anniversary.
What’s next?

The Kardashian’s have a bit of a wait before they square off with the other 7 winners from the other rounds. Up next is the Celebrity bracket.

2011 D-Bag Awards: Nominations

2011-12-06T17:36:00.003-05:00

It’s that time of the year again. It’s the 2011 Mongo, Angry! Mongo Smash! D-Bag Awards. This is the round up of all the best d-bags of the year which culminates in the presenting of the Golden D-bag Award (fictional, of course) to one not so proud recipient.

Last year, it was almost in the bag for the Grim Reaper, himself but BP pulled ahead thanks to an environmental disaster and all around mucking up of the aftermath. Still, Death shows he’s a competitor as he comes back for another year as a probable finalist. While BP fires only a single d-bag worthy shot with a claim that Halliburton destroyed evidence from the Gulf Oil Spill. Nice try BP, but we’ll hope you can do more to represent your place in d-bag history next year.

So, here are the categories and the nominees. Each post will be a basic rehash of reasons why they are nominated culminating in a declaration of the winner. The winner from each bracket will go on to face each other in a battle royale for d-b supremacy.

Wannabe Celebrity (Reality D-bags) – In this category, folks who have made a lasting d-bag impact on the Internet or those who have tried to become a celebrity for lack of a better reason than to land themselves in the lineup of the nominations here will duke it out for a chance to go bags deep against the other bracket winners.

And the nominees are:

Courtney Stodden
The Kardashians
Brooke Mueller
Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino

Celebrity – They’re famous for being infamous across movies, television, and music. Pop Culture will cry in a corner for years to come.

And the nominees are:

Chris Brown
Charlie Sheen
Lindsay Lohan
Brett Ratner

Business – If I could name them all and fit them on the ballet, I would. Simply put, they make up the 99% of the d-bags in this world, but alas I had to narrow it down to four.

And the nominees are:

NetFlix
Bank of America
PayPal
Retail Industry

Sports as a Business – The individuals are pretty bad. However, the companies and brands behind them are simply baggerific.

And the nominees are:

The NBA
The NFL
The Pittsburgh Pirates
PSU

Sports People – These folks made a name for themselves being douchebags in the realm of sports.

And the nominees are:

Jim Tressel
Jerry Sandusky
Jerry Meals
Roger Goodell

D-bags That Have Affected People - OK, this one is a bit of a potpourri of d-bags. I couldn’t find anyway else to slice it so these folks were d-bags to people’s lives and property.

And the nominees are:

Mother Nature
Death
Vancouver Stanley Cup Rioters
John Pike

News/Media D-Bags - These D-Bags are a part of the fabric of our culture. They haunt the Internet, the checkout aisles, our televisions, and our phone conversations.

And the nominees are:

~~Julian Assange~~ Mark Madden
Rupert Murdoch
Old Spice
Perez Hilton

Update: Mark Madden was substituted in for Julian Assange who was originally nominated last year for the Wikileaks scandal. My bad.

Let's get ready to rumble!

12 Days Of Christmas Giveaway 2011

2011-12-02T12:37:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post. I’m participating in a huge kick ass giveaway over at The Tee Gazette. Last year there were 12 days with 12 shirt brands. Each day someone won a free shirt and stocking stuffer from the different brands.

This year, the field of participants has expanded 400%, so each day someone wins four shirts plus they are entered into a drawing at the end. Jump on over to The Tee Gazette and enter. You can enter each day, just be sure to follow the rules.

12 Days of Christmas Giveaway 2011
My day is 12/2/2011

WUMF: November Edition

2011-11-30T04:59:00.001-05:00

Turkey Day is done and now we turn the corner into December and the downhill avalanche of the holiday season hill, which will inevitably lead to a crash at the bottom on January 2nd. How about another edition of WUMF (What’s Up My Friends)?

It’s Never Pleurisy
I started off this WUMF post with an update about my health, but it blew up into a larger story, so I shelved it for a separate post. Stay tuned. Needless to say, it’s not Pleurisy, though it feels like it.

Movember
I haven't shaved my mustache and goat this whole month and I'm sooo looking forward to tomorrow. OK, so I'm not officially registered anywhere and I do have a goatee, but my face is hideous enough without the facial hair let alone with only a mustache. The goat gives it some saving grace. In any case, I did it, just to do it.

Now, back in 1994, I did a play at Pitt where I couldn't shave at all and had a full beard. Nothing Kiesel worthy or even Dan Haggerty but it served its purpose. I was so happy to shave it, then, too.

On the back nine of my 30s, my facial hair bears the brunt of my gray hair, more so than on top. I like to keep it stubbly as much as possible.

Flea Bag Hotel
In addition to being sick, one of my cats has an upper respiratory infection so we took her to the vet. Turns out, not only did she have a URI, she has fleas as do the other three cats. So, on my day off yesterday which should have had me trying to recuperate from being sick, I was running around all over the house spraying Knockout E.S. and doing laundry and trying to just rid ourselves of the issue without resorting to napalming the house. My chest is killing me and after bending over and picking up stuff and moving around I was at the point where I couldn’t breathe or move last night.

My wife, God love her, is an animal lover and hates to see the strays from our neighborhood, mostly a product of our neighbor’s doing, go hungry. She buys, [read: I buy] the cheap Value Time cat food and puts it out. Well, apparently, they are all flea ridden and hitched a ride into our house. Our cats do not step foot outside, are all fixed, and are basically fat and lazy, much like their owner.

Radio Traffic Reports
Someone needs to get these folks some real time traffic, or at least a bookmark to Google traffic cams on their computer. Every day, I used to getting stuck in traffic around the Wilkinsburg exit on 376 East, heading into Pittsburgh. Every day, coming home I get stuck around the Forbes Oakland exit on 376 East heading out of Pittsburgh. Every once in awhile, if there is talk of huge accidents, I will take an alternate route. Although, a slight bump in the backend of a vehicle sets off a world of fail chain reaction causing air traffic over Pittsburgh to grind to a halt so the pilots can rubberneck.

However, when I hear the traffic report say that traffic is building normally and I immediately have to slam on the breaks because they neglect to mention that an accident in the Sq, Hill Tunnel has caused a backup of cars all the way to the ramp before Churchill, I feel a little stabby.

Pittsburgh DJs and traffic correspondents on WDVE and 93.7 The Fan, before you go onto to do your update, pull up a Google cam of the Parkways and just take a look at the various cameras to see where traffic is really jammed at. That way, us Walking Dead Club commuters won’t be late for work. Or at least, answer the phone when I call to bitch about your incompetence, instead of fast tracking a some Italian guy who calls in to say that he loves, “Felize Navidad” because he’s Italian. WTF?!?!

12 Days of Christmas Part 2
Last year, I participated in a giveaway hosted by some of my design friends. They gave away 12 shirts and 12 stocking stuffer items to 12 folks. Well, this year they are at it again and it starts tomorrow with 48 brands involved as well as other fantastic prizes. Click the link above to go see the official announcement. I have a post up on my Store blog and will do some tweeting to promote it. Follow me at @AngryMongo to keep up with the fun.

D-bag of the Year Awards
I haven’t put the final list together but really there is no question who should win. I won’t give it away but unless something happens in the next two weeks to change things, it should be a landslide. However, I’ll still bore you with the details over a couple of posts coming in December.

That’s it. Rub dirt in it and take a lap folks.

Vegas Baby: Part 4 - Let it Ride

2011-11-28T17:07:00.001-05:00

We’ve talked travel. We’ve talked lodging. We’ve talked eating. NOW, comes the biggie. This is what Vegas is all about. Gambling.

OK, I am no big gambler by any means. I rarely stop by anything more than a $5.00 Black Jack table and the penny slots are where you will find me on a casino floor. That being said, there is something alluring about the idea of hitting it big in Vegas.

You hear the sounds, you see the lights. Is it any wonder that the digital sounds of someone cashing out or winning is slightly louder than anything else. You usually do not hear a sound when you do not hit any lines on a slot machine.

Working for four years in Amusement Park environments teaches you a lot about the art of the sell. You want to draw in people so you emphasize a big win, no matter how mundane or impossible it be to actually win.

I have been to six casinos in my life. Two in Niagara Falls, The Rivers in Pittsburgh and now The Mirage, The Bellagio, and The Venetian. Out of all of them, I actually prefer Pittsburgh. That sounds biased being in my area but if your sole purpose for going to Las Vegas, beyond shows, food, experience, or sightseeing, is to gamble then don’t go. Go to a place more local to you. When I went to The Rivers after it first opened all they had was slot machines and it was still fun. When they introduced table games in the last year or so, I was excited because I like a good game of Black Jack.

Still, I was a just a bit disappointed at the lack of actual tables on the casino floor and the fact that the casino only covered one level. The ones in Niagara Falls had a couple. This was in 2004. They had one level that was smoking and one, non smoking.

But, going to Vegas, my expectations were high in the amount of actual tables and variety of machines and the number of available floors to gamble on and after visiting all three of those afore mentioned casinos, I saw no distinct difference in actual gambling experience.

In fact, I found the offerings of slot machines to be very repetitive. I saw the same machines over and over again, throughout the Mirage floor. It makes it easy for someone to find the machine they like, but I spent a lot of time going over the floor looking to find ones that I enjoyed and kept seeing the same stupid ones. In the end, I kept coming back to the same one, which was a plus to the casino for dragging me into that world of fail since I spent close to $50 on it.

It was right next to the restrooms and the Cirque du Soleil ‘Beatles’ Love show. There were times that you could really go up a lot if you could get the ‘Battle for Gotham’ bonus which is a four part race that is AI Controlled that racks up bonus credits for you. I think the most I ever got was around $30 and I ended up putting that back into the machine anyway. I found a video of it from a different casino on YouTube. It’s very fun.

The Dark Knight Slot Machine

Granted, in that video, the player bet probably the max bet which would have been like $0.80 and multiplied 12 times which is $9.60. But the payout was 213.36 so, that was good. I usually did the $0.80 single multiplier and on very rare occasions did I splurge and do 2x multipliers. I’m such a cheap ass.

Yep, I only ended up gambling $120 and I lost all of that. I gained a little back playing an Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade slot machine in the airport before our flight home. Then I lost it again.

Now, once again, I should stress that I only went to three casinos, on the strip and didn’t venture downtown, but you’d think that it would be a better experience in the newer area.

So, in all, if you have a casino near where you live and have some grand scheme of going to Vegas to hit it big… stay home. Save the money you would have blown on travel and do something else with it. Go to the local joint and spend the original gambling fund there. Might as well help your area over someone else’s, right?

Also, decide how much you actually want to spend on gambling and don’t go beyond that. If you go up, fine. If you can remove your original amount and just gamble on the house money, do so. That way, when you eventually lose it all, you end up even. This is not the economy to be losing your shirt in.

Next up is my monthly WUMF post and then some final thoughts on Vegas.

Vegas Baby: Part 3 - What Happens In Vegas Stays in the Colon

2011-11-23T16:38:00.001-05:00

Whenever you mention Vegas to someone, the first thought in their head is gambling. Usually, the second or third thought is the food, more specifically, the buffets. As I lead you by the brain and tasted buds through the Vegas experience, remember, I only stayed in the Strip. I did not venture downtown.

I can tell you, right now, the notion that you can gamble big and eat big on little money is long gone. There are plenty of places to dine inside the Mirage and I took advantage of three of them. Of course, there is a Starbucks. I’m sure there is one in most every Casino in Vegas. There is also the standard buffet, called Cravings. There is a frozen yogurt place, which was neat. They have B.B King’s Blues Club for some great pork and music. There is also a Carnegie’s Deli, like the one in New York. And finally, we sampled some of the room service provided by the Mirage.

On our first night, we checked into the hotel and went down to B.B. King’s, We had already missed the buffet which closed. The Blues Club was shrouded in darkness and looked much like a Ruby Tuesday’s or other chain restaurant. The difference is the wall art which is mostly Rhythm and Blues giants like Muddy Waters or Clapton. Looking over the menu, we both got BBQ pulled pork. I went the sandwich route, while my wife went with the full meal. Food was excellent.

After eating we were treated to a live performance by a band called PJ Barth. I was unfamiliar with the band and the lead singer/guitarist was this skinny little white dude who looked like a kid who dressed up as Stevie Ray Vaughn for Halloween. He was accompanied by a bassist and drummer and that was all he needed. Here’s a video of him doing an awesome cover of Jimi Hendrix’s Little Wing

The next morning… well around 10 or 11 am, we went to eat lunch at The Carnegie Deli. Now, I’ve never been there but I hear Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzarelli eat there together.
Looking over the menu I can tell you one thing, they like their tongue. Every other item on the menu had tongue in it. We stayed away from that and went for a club sandwich, which we shared. Why? It was about a foot tall. They must have used a pound of turkey and a pound of bacon. I ended up making three sandwiches out of it. But it was yummy.

That night we went to the buffet, geared up for some great eating. I was thoroughly unimpressed with Cravings. It had a sort of Art Deco cafeteria look to it. The offerings were a bit meager. The crab legs were split down the middle. That must be a Vegas thing because the Bellagio was the same way. I’ve never seen crab legs done like that. You’d think it would be easier to eat them that way but it was not. Whatever those things, that run down the middle of a crab leg, are called they held onto the meat with a deathlike grip.

We should have started with dessert because that was the best part of it. Everything else was a bit off and the choices were a bit weird. For what it cost to eat there, $30 bucks a piece, I tried to make up for it with desserts and crab legs.

The next day, our last full day, we tried room service for breakfast. We both ordered a triple breakfast combo consisting of waffles, pancakes, and French toast. Now before you say, “Ooh, have another, fatty” realize that for the total cost of $22.00 each, we got a single plate with three silver dollar pancakes, an equally sized waffle which looked to be ripped from the other three mini waffles in an Eggo pack, and a block of French toast the size of a pack of cigarettes. All of this was drizzled over by fruit compote. That was room service. While it was pretty good tasting, the idea that, for $40.00, I can take my wife, kid, and father-in-law to Cheddar’s in Wheeling and have a Monte Cristo, a burger, a shrimp platter, a grilled cheese, two sodas, a chocolate milk, and two draft beers makes me a bit queasy.

That afternoon we had the Blizz frozen yogurt snack, which was nice. You grab a cup, fill it with various flavors, add toppings and spend like $0.50 an ounce. It was pretty good for getting frozen yogurt. I think it ended up being like $12 all said and done.

However, that night I was bound and determined to eat a good buffet dinner in Vegas. We walked from the Mirage down to the Bellagio so I could see the fountains. We decided to eat there with a little apprehension at dropping another $60.00 for crap food.

Mission accomplished. The buffet was much, much better, though they do their crab legs the same way. But I found what I really liked which was the four or five different pasta dishes that were just phenomenal. I was ready for a nap after that.

After all of that eating I realized we spent a hell of a lot of money, just on food. In fact, we spent more money on food that we did on gambling. Hey, why not? At least I get something for my money with the food. I can’t enjoy losing $120 on slots and blackjack, but I’ll have this fat forever.

And for all that, I’ve come to the conclusion that the Vegas of old, with the cheap prime rib buffets and free drinks, is either a myth or was ruined by something else. Everything there costs money. Now, had I dropped a grand in the casino, they might have comped me a meal or two but you’re basically spending that money anyways. Hell, a 32 oz. Diet Coke, by the pool was $8.00. WTF!?!?

Although, directly across the street from the Mirage was both a Denny’s and a McDonald’s. But that would have been wrong. That’s like going to China and eating at a Manchu Wok or going to Manhattan and getting pizza at a Sbarro. You just don’t do that shit.

Next up, gambling and the Vegas experience.

Vegas Baby: Part 2 - Room With a View

2011-11-23T07:38:00.000-05:00

I’m taking you on the tour of Vegas through the point of view of the angry traveler. We talked about flying and we talked about checking in, too. Let’s talk about the accommodations.

OK, so getting into the hotel was half of the fun, right? Now, that I’m checked into the Mirage, what is there to do?

Well, first of all, the room was pretty nice. The furnishings were sort of modern but not extremely cold. The room was pretty big with a nice desk for the computer that sort of came out from the wall so you could see the TV. The bathroom was rather nice with a huge mirror with these very bright lights around it. It didn’t lie to you whatsoever.

There was a mini fridge which I didn’t dare bump for fear it would spit something out at me, charging me a gazillion dollars for a small bag of raisins or something.

Now, our room was facing the pool which was kind of nice. We could see Caesar’s directly across from us, Harrah’s to our left and way down towards the mountains, I could make out The Rio, which made for a real nice sunset picture.

Oh, and the funny thing about our room was that not only did it face the main pool, it also faced the dolphin habitat and BARE. If you don’t know what BARE is, it’s exactly what you think it is. The Mirage has a secluded pool area that is geared towards those wishing to go topless. I believe women get in for free and men have to pay. Not sure what the purpose of that is. So, the idea is to get women to take off their tops and get men to pay money to come ogle them. What other reason is there?

Unfortunately, the weather was a bit nippy and windy so nobody wanted to be brave. Believe me, my wife kept saying, “nobody’s there.” She seemed more interested in looking than I was. I guess because it’s something we’ve never been exposed to. (No pun intended.)

The only real issue I had with the room was that it was so far from everything. If the argument for hotels in Vegas is that the restrict the amount of amenities you have in the room which forces you to go to the casino then I counter with, “Fine, don’t put it so effing far away, then.” I had a couple of issues with room keys that caused me multiple trips to the front desk which was down the long ass hall, down the elevator, through the casino, through the jungle dome thingy, and over to the desk. If they wanted me to leave my room, they would have simply made the commute easier. I will say that after feeling cooped up and bored in my room made me want to just go gamble to waste time. Point to Vegas, this round.

Vegas Baby: Part 1 - First Impressions

2011-11-14T16:20:00.003-05:00

I’m splitting these posts up because there is just way too much to discuss. Your brains will be mush and eyes will be crossed and I will lose half of my readership which will leave me with 2 ¼ readers. So, deal with it.

As I said before, I was supposed to go to Las Vegas on business but that the conference had been cancelled. Since I already had charged the room and airfare to my credit card and had not submitted an expense for them, I merely decided… with the help of my wife, to just continue to go to Las Vegas as a sort of second honeymoon. Our first one was wrought the black death as my wife was seriously ill while we were in Niagara Falls in November of 2004.

We always said we’d have a “real” honeymoon but after two years of being married we were blessed with a child and things just sort of got put on hold. Spontaneity has never been our forte as we’ve experienced nothing but trouble in the past on various trips. Still, it was an adventure to be had. My wife had never flown and neither of us had ever been to Vegas.

After our flight we arrived at LAS we made plans to get to The Mirage. I was planning to rent a car as my original itinerary was solely based in The Mirage. A shuttle or taxi would be sufficient.

Shuttle from LAS to The Mirage = $7.00 each. / $14 for both and it takes about 45 minutes to get there, depending on how many stops.

Taxi from the airport = Less than $20 and you get there a hell of a lot quicker.

Is the shuttle cheaper? Yes. Look, if you have no problem standing outside the airport for an hour waiting for the right shuttle to show up, save the $5.00. However, if you’ve just gotten done travelling for five hours and want to GET THERE, take a cab. In the end, you’ll be better off spending the extra money.

Now, all my built up expectations of Las Vegas were generated by the Ocean’s movies, the television show Las Vegas, and the old 70s show Vega$. I had no concept of geography. I basically thought that Las Vegas was this big huge city out in the desert that was wall to wall casinos and hookers. You could basically walk from one end to other and see it all. I had no idea that there was a downtown area (Old Las Vegas in my mind) where places like the Freemont Street Experience and the Golden Nugget resided along with one of the more iconic figures, Vegas Vic… the cowboy who looks to be hitchhiking. This is separate from “The Strip” which is where places like The Mirage, The Bellagio, Caesar’s Palace, New York New York, The Luxor, Treasure Island, MGM Grand. These are the more opulent casinos and hotels. I had no clue.

So, on to the Mirage. From the outside The Mirage doesn’t have any other discernible features that set apart. Caesar’s has the whole Roman motif, The Bellagio has the fountain, The Luxor is the pyramid, etc. Once you get closer, though, you see that the Mirage has this huge rock formation out front that serves as a nightly Volcano show, which is cool.

I found this on YouTube because my own video was lame.

Once you walk into The Mirage you have the check in desk to your right, some of the casino floor to your left and directly ahead is a dome with a wooden bridge and various flora and waterfalls which was very pretty.

After checking in we had to drag ourselves and luggage (one rolling bag, one purse, one laptop bag) through the casino towards the middle of the hotel where the elevators were located. The amount of traffic on a Tuesday evening was ridiculous. There were people everywhere. Old, young, kids, adults alike just jamming the pathways through the bleep bloop of slot machines with their digital clinking of credits being paid out, the sporadic cheers from a craps table, and occasional song playing over the loud speakers.

When we finally reached the elevators we were whooped. I was so looking forward to just falling face first on the bed. But first, we had to get to our room, 20123. You step off of the elevator and enter one of the three wings of the guest room floors. The design of the interior was a perspective Inception mind screw. The hallway looked longer than it actually was and it was still a hell of a walk.

Talk about perspective

Next time, we’ll discuss the finer points of Mongo in hotel rooms and, later, the food which is what the real attraction for me to Las Vegas was.