Clinical Psychologist Christchurch New Zealand. Dr Alice Boyes.

Ever Get the Feeling that You’re Behaving in Ways that Aren’t Consistent with Your Values? Values and Goals.

Dr Alice Boyes — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 23:54:08 +0000

Ever get the feeling that you’re behaving in ways that are consistent with your values?

To help overcome this, you might like to try getting clearer on what your values actually are.

A therapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT, pronounced like the word rather than A,C,T) has some good ideas for how to do this.

ACT makes a distinction between values and goals.

Values are by definition things you can’t “complete” or “tick off,” and want to keep doing forever.

Values also tend to be things you can control whereas goals tend to be things you can’t completely control.

For example, you might have the goal of being respected by other people but you cannot completely control this.

Instead – what are the behaviors you think are worthy of respect, that you want to keep doing regardless of whether other people are respecting you? These are your values.

The C in ACT stands for commitment which is about committing to enacting your values independent of your current feelings.

Pages 11 to 15 of this pdf are useful for understanding your values.

The information above is a free online resource provided by Dr Russ Harris, an ACT expert, who is the author of “The Happiness Trap”. The pdf is intended to accompany the book but I think you’ll benefit from completing the self reflection exercises on pages 11 to 15 of the pdf even if you can’t/don’t want to read the book. If you’re interested in this topic or find the difference between goals and values confusing, then consider reading The Happiness Trap book.

Link to book for New Zealand readers The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living

Link to book for international readers – The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living

If you click on the international readers link you’ll see that the book has very positive user reviews on Amazon.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) has many useful tools that I find helpful for using with clients and teaching clients how to use for themselves. I’ll try to write about some more of them here, but the book above is also a good resource.

Thank you to my friend Diane who I was chatting with about ACT the other day and who got me thinking about writing about some ACT strategies on the blog

Check out Alice's list of Best Psychology Self Help Books for New Zealanders (Topics: Parenting, How To Be Happier etc).

Ever Get the Feeling that You’re Behaving in Ways that Aren’t Consistent with Your Values? Values and Goals.

10 Tips for Men About What To Do After a Relationship Breakup.

Dr Alice Boyes — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 08:38:18 +0000

1. Nesting

If you’ve moved out of your family home it’s important you create a “nest” for yourself in your new home.

e.g. Stock your cupboards with fruit and veg and supplies for cooking.
Put some art on the walls.
Buy some indoor plants.
Move all of your stuff from your prior home.

Men frequently avoid doing these things for various reasons (e.g. they think it will make them feel worse, or they lack motivation/energy after the breakup). However getting started on making a nest for yourself is likely to help you feel better.

Its important your new home feels emotionally warm and comfortable.

2. Go easy on the alcohol

Alcohol is a depressant.

Also, although it can make it easier to get to sleep, it makes it more likely you’ll wake up during the night and have disrupted sleep.

Having a hangover will make you more irritable and emotional, and make it less likely you will do the types of healthy behaviours that will lead to feeling better overall.

Its not uncommon for men to feel suicidal after a breakup. Since alcohol is “disinhibiting” (e.g. can lead to doing things you wouldn’t do if you were thinking clearly) its especially important you don’t drink excessively if you’re feeling suicidal.

3. Get a weekly relaxation massage (not the sexy kind!)

Physical touch is irreplaceable.

4. Invite friends over to your new house for dinner and cook for them

Social contact is important for helping with loneliness and having people for dinner can help you feel competent and confident.

Plan activities so that you’re not spending multiple nights in a row home alone.

5. Don’t “mindread” what others are thinking

Men often think that other people will judge them negatively for having had a relationship fail or a pattern of relationships that have failed. This is often not true or exaggerated. If you feel embarrassed about your relationship having ended, you might be “mindreading” (inaccurately guessing what others’ are thinking).

6. Talk to your friends (yeah I know, you’re a bloke)

You don’t necessarily need to do a lot of talking to your friends – just a little can make a big difference.

Bottling up your thoughts tends to increase shame, embarrassment, and loneliness.

Try just saying a sentence or two to your mates about your thoughts and feelings.

More in-depth conversations might also help. Consider asking friends who have had a long term relationship end what they found helpful for coping. Ask them how their thoughts and feelings about the breakup have changed over time. If you instigated your relationship break up, talk to other people who were in that role. If you were broken up with, talk to other people who were in that role.

7. Prioritize adequate sleep

Sleep deprivation makes people much more emotional than they usually are.

If you’re having problems with getting to sleep or waking up at the wrong times, get creative in figuring out how you can get more sleep.

e.g.
- If you wake up early in the morning and can’t get back to sleep, try getting up and going for a walk for half an hour (maybe while listening to the radio) and then go back to bed until your wake up time.

- Consider a 90 min daytime nap if that’s possible for you (e.g. on weekend days).

8. Guilt and shame

Guilt and shame are common emotions after a breakup.

The difference between guilt and shame is that guilt is about having done a specific thing whereas shame is more global negative feelings about what kind of person you are.

Guilt is sometimes warranted, shame generally isn’t.

9. How to feel hopeful about your future

Are you thinking there’s no hope for you to be happy in the future and no hope for you to have a successful relationship? Just because you fear you’re going to end up alone and lonely doesn’t mean this is going to happen. People’s current emotions affect how positive vs. negative they expect their future to be. Your thoughts are more likely being driven by your current mood/how you’re feeling right now, rather than reality.

That said, if you don’t want to repeat past patterns in future relationships, do some preparation for your next relationship. Read science-based relationships books (like the relationship books on this list) and get some individual help from a relationships psychologist to understand and overcome your past relationship patterns. You’re likely to benefit from just a few sessions to understand your blindspots that you can’t see for yourself.

If you think you might be depressed you should definitely see a psychologist.

10. Behave in ways that are consistent with your values

For example, if one of your most important values is being a good dad, think about how you can enact this, independent of your current emotions (e.g. anger at your ex-wife, anxiety about how to have a good relationship with your child).

NB: These tips also apply to women but most of the clients who come to see me for help coping with a relationship breakup are men.

Check out Alice's list of Best Psychology Self Help Books for New Zealanders (Topics: Parenting, How To Be Happier etc).

10 Tips for Men About What To Do After a Relationship Breakup.

Relationship Skills: Reconciling Different Perspectives

Dr Alice Boyes — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 13:31:16 +0000

Susan has the belief that’s its good to spend money enjoying herself now since there are no guarantees she won’t be run over by a bus tomorrow.

Her partner Patrick has the belief that its important to delay gratification to build wealth to have more options later.

Susan and Patrick argue about money.

What do Patrick and Susan need to do to discuss their finances without feeling defensive?

Patrick and Susan need to understand that contradictory perspectives can both have valid logic behind them.

Its understandable that Susan thinks that living in the moment is important.

Its understandable that Patrick thinks that delaying gratification to have more options later is important.

Often, people don’t want to acknowledge that another person’s perspective has some validity to it because they think that doing that implies that they agree with it.

You can acknowledge that someone else’s perspective is valid without having to agree with it.

Its not important to agree. It is important to acknowledge the validity of your partner’s thinking (i.e. that they have reasonable reasons for thinking the way they do). Its not enough just to think this, you need to clearly express it to your partner.

What else can Patrick and Suzy do to better understand each other?

Patrick can help Susan understand why comprising is difficult for him if he tells Susan that he feels anxious that in the future they might not have enough money, and he feels shame and a sense of failure at the thought they might not be able to help their children out financially e.g. for university or a house deposit.

Susan can help Patrick understand her perspective if she explains that she fears “regretting what she didn’t do.”

What gets in the way of people understanding each other?

- People often aren’t very good at explaining themselves: They leave out some of the most important reasons and emotions when trying to explain why something is important to them.
- People often aren’t very good at putting themselves in another person’s shoes and seeing their perspective.
- People feel shy about explaining their reasoning. Their thoughts might not be clearly formulated so they might feel awkward and stumble (This is better than not trying and sometimes you need to speak your thoughts to become clear about them). Explaining your reasoning also comes with a certain level of vulnerability – it requires a leap of faith that you partner will not be dismissive of your reasoning.
- When people feel strong negative emotions (e.g. anger) its often difficult for them to express their thoughts. Couples therapy can help with this because the therapist buffers some of the emotions which enables partners to express their true thoughts to each other without either partner feeling overwhelmed.

This relationship skill also applies to other types of relationships.

Although the example I used was about a couple relationship the advice contained in this article also applies to other types of relationships e.g. conflict between family members.

Check out Alice's list of Best Psychology Self Help Books for New Zealanders (Topics: Parenting, How To Be Happier etc).

Relationship Skills: Reconciling Different Perspectives

Travel Psychology Part 1

Dr Alice Boyes — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 00:10:47 +0000

Extended travel (sabbaticals, Big OEs, moving overseas) is a common pursuit of happiness tactic.

How to Maximize the Psychological Benefits of Travel

I’m going to write more on this topic – this is part 1.

How to understand the emotional dreams that are fueling your travel dreams

Let’s say your travel dream is to travel in Europe for 3 months. The deeper emotional goals underlying your travel dream could be any / multiple of the following:

If lots of the following apply to you, list them in order of priority.

1. You want a sense of independence and of making your own decisions.

2. You want excitement.

3. You want to reward yourself for hard work.

4. You want to directly experience more e.g., see parts of the world first hand rather than relying on media reports.

5. You want to feel connected with humanity and with people from different cultures or historical periods. For example, if you’re an artist, you might want to feel connected to other artists from other places or historical periods. If you’re a Mum, you might want to feel connected to other Mums from different cultures/times.

6. You want to experience natural or human-made beauty and have other glorious sensory experiences.

7. You want a sense of unlimited possibilities.

8. You want to develop a closer relationship with your planned traveling companion.

9. You want to change something about yourself.

10. You want to escape something unpleasant.

11. You want a sense of history and your place in it.

12. You want to experience new technologies and a sense of the future.

13. You want to see if another culture is a better fit for you than your own. You want to feel like you fit in.

14. You want to feel different from other people (a sense of uniqueness).

15. You want a sense of freedom.

16. You want to relax and decompress.

17. You want a new perspective on your home culture and how you’re influenced by it.

18. You want to gain confidence in relying on yourself, dealing with the unknown and solving problems.

19. You want to have new and novel experiences/variety.

20. You want adventure.

21. You want fun.

22. You want to experiment with not being overly hesitant in making decisions.

23. You want to explore e.g. what’s out there in the world or what makes you personally happy.

24. You want to think in new ways (e.g. see yourself in new ways, see others in new ways, see your choices in new ways).

25. You hope travel will provide some psychological distance (When you are psychologically close to a problem your view will be relatively narrow and objects will seem large. When you can get psychological distance, your perspective will be broader and different aspects will come into focus. To understand this, think about what it’s like to view a scene from close up versus from a wide angle).

Main reasons why its good to understand your deep emotional goals.

1. So you can use your deep emotional goals to guide your specific travel plans.

For example, if relaxation is your most important emotional goal then this will influence the plans you make. You’ll be more likely to prioritize relaxation rather than being distracted from that goal by other goals that are in fact not as important to you (e.g. if I plan to see 8 museums in 3 days will this be relaxing?).

2. So you can check if traveling is reasonably likely to lead to you achieving your emotion goals.

Sometimes understanding why you want to travel might make you realize that travel might not be sufficient for achieving a particular emotional goal.

Number 25 on the list above (about achieving a different psychological perspective) is a good example. You might need Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to achieve that.

3. So you can accurately/comprehensively communicate your deep emotional goals to others and therefore help them understand you.

For example, so you can accurately communicate to your significant other about why extended travel is important to you.

4. If your specific plans seem like they are good match with your deep goals it can help you feel confident that you’re making good decisions.

5. There are almost always multiple ways you can achieve your emotional goals. (More here) If you can’t travel right away, look at additional ways you could achieve your deep emotional goals without waiting until you can travel. You might have to wait to start achieving your travel dreams but you don’t have to wait to start achieving your emotion goals.

Check out Alice's list of Best Psychology Self Help Books for New Zealanders (Topics: Parenting, How To Be Happier etc).

Travel Psychology Part 1

DIY Psychological Detective Challenge

Dr Alice Boyes — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 10:39:48 +0000

I’ve previously written (e.g., here and here) about how people generally understand that

their Thoughts/feelings impact their Behaviour

But often fail to recognize how

their Behaviour impacts their Thoughts/feelings

In my experience, even very smart people need a lot of guidance to understand how these concepts relate to their own problems and happiness.

Here’s an example I frequently see in my practice.

Fictional client Sarah has low self esteem/worth and therefore puts her personal pleasure and self care last on her priority list.

Her thoughts and feelings (low self esteem) are influencing her behaviour. However it’s also true that Sarah’s “putting herself last” behaviour is reinforcing her low self esteem thoughts and feelings.

Behaving “as if” a dysfunctional thought were true typically strengthens the dysfunctional thought.

When Sarah is excessively self sacrificing:

- People become increasingly demanding of her.

- As hard as she tries, she can never completely please everyone. She can never win.

- Sarah’s sense of self and positive identity gets eroded because she isn’t expressing herself through her own wishes and interests.

- Sarah increasingly strongly believes that the reason people like her is because she is self sacrificing, and therefore the thought of not being self sacrificing becomes increasingly anxiety provoking.

In other words, Sarah’s behaviour is powerfully influencing her thoughts and feelings.

Take Home Message

Because of the multiple relationships between behaviour, thoughts, and feelings – the most effective way to change thoughts and feelings is a two pronged approach involving:

1. changing behaviour (Sarah can test how her behaviour is impacting on her thoughts and feelings by experimenting with new behaviour. She can experiment with putting her self care first and observe whether it leads to a lesser or greater sense of self worth.)

in addition to

2. using cognitive psychology techniques to logically evaluate dysfunctional thoughts.

DIY Psychological Detective Challenge

- Try to understand how your behavioural choices are influencing your thoughts and feelings (e.g. which of your behaviours are perpetuating thoughts/feelings you don’t like).

- This is an essential psychological skill that, once experimented with and learned, you will use time and time again when you want to change how you’re thinking or feeling.

Latest Media Mentions

- Thanks to reporter Marc Greenhill who quoted me extensively in an article called “Too Many Fingers Talking” in “The Press” Christchurch Newspaper. The article is about txting while driving. If you’re interested, you can read the full article here.

- I was also on Newstalk ZB with Mike Hosking last week talking about internet dating. Love doing radio interviews, they’re really fun.

Check out Alice's list of Best Psychology Self Help Books for New Zealanders (Topics: Parenting, How To Be Happier etc).

DIY Psychological Detective Challenge

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Self Help for Healthy Eating: How to Deal with Self Sabotaging Thoughts.

Dr Alice Boyes — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 21:14:06 +0000

This post is a long one because it contains instructions for one of the most important Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) skills. You might want to print it – If you click on the blog post title you will find buttons for printing or emailing at the bottom of that page.

How to Use Disputing Questions to Change Self Sabotaging Thoughts.

I’ve been recommending the book the Beck Diet Solution (The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin Person) since it was published in 2007 (disclosure: I received a free copy from the publishers). It’s a fabulous book and essential reading for anyone who is struggling to lose weight. However in my work with individual clients I’ve been finding people have difficulty using one of the most important sections of the book: How to use disputing questions to change self sabotaging thoughts.

I’m going to provide a detailed example here, that will hopefully help people better understand how to change self sabotaging thoughts that lead to overeating.

Let’s imagine a fictional client who has a history of swinging between dieting and eating whatever they feel like (overeating).

The self sabotaging thought I’m going to use in this example is “I’m too lazy to lose weight” but the same techniques I’ll explain here apply equally to other types of self sabotaging thoughts, including self sabotaging thoughts related to depression or anxiety.

Once you’ve identified one of your self sabotaging thoughts, try writing answers to the following questions (called “Disputing Questions” in CBT) in order to counter-act your self sabotaging thought with a new, more helpful Balanced Thought.

Sample answers to Disputing Questions written as if in the voice of a fictional client.

Self Sabotaging Thought: “I’m too lazy to lose weight”.

1. What is the Evidence that the Self Sabotaging Thought Isn’t True or Isn’t Completely True?

Possible answers (you might think of others):
- I’m not lazy in my life generally. I work hard in my job, my relationships and my family. I generally put in effort far above the bare minimum.

- People who I do not think of as lazy struggle with weight (e.g. Oprah). Losing weight does not seem to be an issue of laziness.

- I often make really great choices. Although I think of myself as only either dieting or overeating, there are plenty of times Ive
(a) enjoyed meals that were neither diet meals or overeating,
(b) eaten treat foods in non-binge ways and been satisfied.

2. What Alternative Explanations or Alternative Perspectives are there? What are alternative explanations for why you haven’t been able to lose weight – explanations other than you’re lazy?

- Losing weight is hard
(a) society gives lots of mixed messages about food (e.g. You shouldn’t waste food).
(b) evolution has not designed us for losing weight to be easy.

- Sometimes its perfectionism and “all or nothing” thinking rather than laziness that gets in the way of me being successful with moderate eating.

- I often end up overeating because I’m tired, lonely, anxious, bored, excited, or feel under pressure. (Note: excitement can lead to overeating because can disinhibit people and lull them into the thinking error of “overly positive fortune telling” e.g. thoughts like – it won’t matter if I have a 2nd serving of dessert).

- I put a lot of pressure on myself in many areas of my life. I need to put less pressure on myself in other areas to have the time and energy to succeed at losing weight.

- Up until now I haven’t had the right information or help to understand the psychology behind my overeating. I’ve been operating on incorrect assumptions.

3. What is the Effect of Believing the Self Sabotaging Thought?

Believing the sabotaging thought “I’m too lazy to lose weight” leads to feelings of hopelessness, powerlessness, anger, and shame.

I either try to “tame my laziness” by strict dieting or I give in and overeat.

In other words, believing the sabotaging thought is partially responsible for why my problem pattern of dieting/overeating keeps going.

Because the sabotaging thought leaves me feeling helpless, angry and powerless, I also overeat to soothe the negative emotions it generates.

4. If the Self Sabotaging Thought Isn’t True/Helpful, What Might a More Balanced, More Helpful Thought Be?

The goal is to replace your self sabotaging thoughts with more balanced, more helpful thoughts.

The raw material to construct a balanced thought is in the answers to Questions 1 and 2 above.

Creating balanced thoughts is a skill mastered through experience, so you’ll need to practice (and probably have a psychologist help you) to get comfortable with it.

For practice purposes – for each self sabotaging thought you work through, try out creating at least 3 different versions of a balanced thought. Then ask yourself which one will be most helpful to focus on so as to lead you to your desired behaviour.

Possible balanced thoughts to replace the thought “I’m too lazy to lose weight” could be:

(a) I’m not lazy.

(b) Losing weight is hard – society sends mixed messages about food and there are evolutionary reasons why losing weight is hard. I’m not lazy but I need to do something different than what I’ve tried before. I need to understand the psychological reasons I’m stuck.

(c) I’m not lazy but I need to reduce the pressure I put on myself in other areas of my life and do better self care
- so I am less vulnerable to mindless overeating, and overeating to relieve stress and negative emotions.
- so I have the time, energy and focus to plan and carry out alternative coping instead of continuing to overeat once I have started overeating.

(d) I’m not lazy but its been hard for me to think of a “middle path” that’s not dieting or eating whatever I feel like. I want to be able to still do some spontaneous eating so I need to figure out how I can do that without gaining weight and without alternating between overeating and deprivation dieting.

(e) I have developed “lazy” habits of giving in to overeating instead of doing self care or alternative coping. However I am not a lazy person generally and therefore I can change these habits if I have sufficient help.

(f) Thinking I’m too lazy is a seductive but untrue thought. I’ve been sucked into a habit of thinking I’m too lazy because thinking I’m powerless and hopeless “gets me out of” doing the work I need to do, and getting the help I need, to change my patterns.

5. What would the effect be of believing “Balanced Thoughts” like those above rather than believing the self sabotaging thought?

Possible answers include:

- Feeling more hopeful
- Feeling less powerless and less ashamed
- Taking a more moderate approach
- Using psychological skills (like urge surfing, alternative coping, mindful eating, understanding and managing your overeating triggers, and harm minimization) to change behaviour rather than repeating the faulty “willpower only” strategy that has not worked in the past.
- Feeling excited that there might be a “middle path” way of eating that does not seem onerous or overly restrictive, and is not dieting or overeating.

Making a Thought Response Card

On a card (or sticky note or any piece of paper), write down your self sabotaging thought and underneath write your favorite balanced thought. Write down 3-4 key pieces of evidence for why the balanced thought is true.

Put this card in your purse or wallet, or wherever you need to put it so that it’ll be accessible to you when your self sabotaging thought rears its head.

The Next Step

Repeat this procedure for another of your self sabotaging thoughts.

Cognitive Behavioural Psychology

In Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), psychologists teach clients numerous different ways to identify, test, balance, and change the way they respond to self sabotaging thoughts. The Disputing Questions listed above are only a few of the tools.

Identifying Your Self Sabotaging Thoughts

Identifying your self sabotaging thoughts can be tricky because repeated thoughts often become automatic and implicit, and we no longer notice having them. You can read more about identifying your self sabotaging thoughts – here and here. Usually clients need help to identify their self sabotaging thoughts.

Free offer

You can get a the audiobook version of the Beck Diet Solution for free using this offer from Audible.com (owned by Amazon.com).

More

More of my blog posts about healthy eating and exercise can be found by using the Healthy Eating category tag in the right sidebar.

Check out Alice's list of Best Psychology Self Help Books for New Zealanders (Topics: Parenting, How To Be Happier etc).

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Self Help for Healthy Eating: How to Deal with Self Sabotaging Thoughts.

Invitation: Public Talks for Community Groups

Dr Alice Boyes — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 20:57:37 +0000

Hi readers:

Now that most people are back at work for 2010 in New Zealand, I’m planning my schedule for the year.

If you belong to a community group (e.g. Rotary Club, Lions Club) and would like me to speak to your group, then now would be a good time to ask me.

The talk I typically offer to do is my “The Psychology of Happiness” talk. Its aimed at providing practical tips for anyone who wants to be happier (i.e. is NOT focused on problems like depression or anxiety disorders). I wrote a cover article on The Psychology of Happiness for Mindfood magazine last year. It’s an hour length talk.

I typically offer to talk to large community groups for free, but charge for corporate speaking and to speak to groups that typically pay speakers (e.g. groups who want me to speak as part of training days).

So if you would like to meet me in person and belong to a community group that has regular guest speakers, don’t be shy – ask!

Thanks for reading, Alice.

Check out Alice's list of Best Psychology Self Help Books for New Zealanders (Topics: Parenting, How To Be Happier etc).

Invitation: Public Talks for Community Groups

How to Measure Your Happiness

Dr Alice Boyes — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 22:28:14 +0000

I’ve previously written about how people make mistakes in predicting how happy something will make them (The rate of divorces is a good example of this mis-prediction). Or to put it another way, people make errors in estimating the impact of their specific behaviors on their thoughts and feelings.

When you’re contemplating a behavior change (which includes trying out alternative coping to replace behaviors you’re not happy with) its a good idea to test – the status quo vs. the new thing

Example 1:

You have a habit of spending your evenings on the computer, even though you already spend a lot of time on the computer at work. You’re not entirely happy with this habit but you’re not sure if you want to change.

You could run an experiment in which

in Week 1 you behave as normal for a week.

in Week 2, you leave your computer turned off after work and do alternative activities.

In both weeks, you would do a quick set of ratings each day. You might choose to do your ratings once a day or, ideally, repeat the same ratings twice a day at roughly the same time each day – perhaps before going to bed and upon arriving at work.

What you choose to rate will depend on what’s important to you.

For example you could rate,

- your energy (0 = not energetic at all, 10 = extremely energetic)
- how creative you feel (0 = not at all, 10 = extremely)
- how happy you feel
- how irritable you feel
- how close to your family you feel

Choose 3-4 types of ratings to do (e.g. 3-4 from above list).

Example 2:

In my recent jogging post, I wrote that exercise helps decrease anxiety and improve mood.

Say you decide to jog at 6pm 3 times per week, using the Couch to 5K program recommended in the article.

If you want to get an accurate picture of the effect jogging is having on your mood and anxiety, you could rate how you feel in the 24 hours after jogging vs. equivalent 24 hour periods after not jogging.

You would need to decide what you want to rate.

You might decide that you will rate

- your anxiety (0 = not at all anxious, 10 = extremely anxious),
- your irritability , and
- your creativity (increased positive emotions are associated with broader, more flexible, more generous, and more creative thinking).
- how productive you’ve been

You decide on a scale to use 0 = not at all, 10 = extremely.

You decide to do the ratings for 2 weeks to get a good picture.
You might decide to do the ratings 4 times a day
e.g. upon waking, lunchtime, straight after jogging, when you go to bed.

And, it’s that easy.

Check out Alice's list of Best Psychology Self Help Books for New Zealanders (Topics: Parenting, How To Be Happier etc).

How to Measure Your Happiness

Urge Surfing – A Simple Technique For Overcoming Overeating/Sticking to a Diet

Dr Alice Boyes — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 07:46:10 +0000

Let’s say you’re trying to lose weight.

Its after dinner. You’re not exactly hungry but you really want some ice cream. You know you have some ice cream in the fridge and the urge to eat it is very strong.

My advice of what to do in these circumstances is to “urge surf”.

Ask yourself how strong your urge to eat the icecream is on a scale of 0 to 10 where

0 = no urge
10 = the urge is so strong it seems impossible to resist.

Let’s say you rate your urge as a 10.

Next…

…wait 10 minutes.

Ideas for the kinds of things you might do while waiting: Go take a shower, get your clothes ready for tomorrow’s workday, read a book, or go remove any junk from your car.

Once the 10 minutes is up, check in with your urge again. How strong is it now?

Scenario A:

If, after the 10 minutes, the urge is still a 10, you will have learned that even though the level 10 urge seemed impossible to resist, it wasn’t.
In this scenario, try waiting another 10 mins and repeating the procedure.

Scenario B (MOST COMMON):

If, after the 10 minutes, the urge is now a 9 1/2 or less, you now know that the urge is becoming less strong without you needing to do anything other than wait (aka “urge surf” meaning to surf the wave of the urge).

Psychological Concepts and More Advice

1. Inherent in the idea of urge surfing is that action urges naturally ebb and flow. They don’t get “stuck on” unbearably high and stay unbearably high.

2. The point of the urge surfing concept is that many times all you need to do for an urge to diminish is to wait. However, particularly if your urge stays a 10 or you end up giving in and eating, you might want to spend some time trying to understand what triggered the urge.

Is the trigger physical? e.g. you’re tired, you have some type of physical pain, PMS?

Is the trigger emotional? e.g. Are you feeling lonely, sad, angry, disappointed, excited, anxious, bored, or guilty/ashamed? Are you avoiding or dreading something? Did something go wrong in your day? Have you experienced some type of interpersonal conflict, rejection, or frustration? More information on why its important to know which specific emotions you’re feeling and how to do this.

Is the trigger habitual? e.g. you’re watching a movie and you often eat while watching movies, so the act of watching the movie is triggering the urge to eat. Or, your husband is out and you often eat when you husband is out, so that situation is triggering the urge?

Is the trigger a combination of more than one of the above? (MOST COMMON) e.g. two emotional triggers, or an emotional and a habitual trigger.More information on understanding your triggers can be found here, but you might want to read the rest of the current page first.

It can sometimes help you figure out your trigger if you think about how you want to feel during/after eating e.g.
- If you want to feel more energized, this might indicate the trigger is tiredness or physical pain.
- If you want to feel soothed/calm/relaxed, this might indicate the trigger is some kind of anxiety or anger.
- If you want to feel distracted, this might indicate the trigger is frustration, disappointment, loneliness, anger, anxiety, or you’re avoiding something.
- If you want to feel entertained, this might indicate the trigger is boredom or loneliness.
- If you want to feel nourished, this might indicate you’re in need of caring (you might need to do self care).

Sometimes understanding why the urge has popped up is enough to successfully urge surf.

Sometimes understanding why the urge has popped up gives you the information you need to pick an alternative coping response that’s a better match to the problem you’re trying to solve e.g. you’re tired so you have an early night or give yourself the night off from doing.

For your common triggers, you should have a list that says…
… when I feel X, doing A, B, C, or D is likely to help.
… when I feel Y, doing E, F, G, or H is likely to help.

3. Another urge surfing technique is to project ahead in time and think about how you’ll feel later (e.g. in 1/2 an hour, in 2 hours, tomorrow) if you give into the urge vs. how you’ll feel later if you do something else.

4. Sometimes after the initial 10 mins you might still decide to give into the urge (especially if it remains a 10). But, by using this procedure you’re likely to significantly cut down the proportion of times you give into the urge. Lets conservatively say waiting for 1 x 10 min reduces your instances of overeating in response to urges by 30%. Over time, this will mean you’re consuming significantly fewer extra calories. Successful weight management usually involves combining different techniques that each help a bit.

5. Even if you do give into the urge, allowing 10 minutes for the urge to diminish might allow the intensity of the urge to decrease enough that you can think about “harm minimization” e.g. if I’m going to eat ice cream, how can I make sure I only eat a regular serving size?

Don’t spend the initial 10 minutes thinking about your harm minimization options. If you decide to give into the urge, think about it then, after the initial 10 mins is up.

Note: Urge surfing is a commonly used term in psychology but I’m not sure who came up with it. Its used to mean somewhat different things in different contexts.

Check out Alice's list of Best Psychology Self Help Books for New Zealanders (Topics: Parenting, How To Be Happier etc).

Urge Surfing – A Simple Technique For Overcoming Overeating/Sticking to a Diet

Why People Who Suffer From Anxiety Sometimes Don’t Like Exercise (and an Awesome Example of How to Achieve an Exercise Goal)

Dr Alice Boyes — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 20:50:04 +0000

Exercise is extremely helpful for reducing anxiety (its an important component of treatment for anxiety and depression).

People who are anxious sometimes avoid vigorous exercise because the physical sensations of exertion (consciously or unconsciously) remind them of anxiety.

e.g.
- increased heart rate
- awareness of breathing
- feeling hot and sweating
- tight chest
- tired or wobbly legs

How to Start Jogging Even If You Think You’re Incapable of Jogging

One approach I really like for becoming more comfortable with vigorous exercise is a free program for absolute beginner joggers called Couch to 5K. (Obviously you should not do this if you have a physical health problem that makes jogging unwise).

It’s a very controlled, planned, gradual program, which makes it easier to stick to for people who find the physical sensations of exercise uncomfortable or scary.

What is Couch to 5K?

There are two versions of Couch to 5K:

- a “time” version, and
- a “distance” version.

I prefer the time version. The distance version works up to jogging 5km. The time version works up to jogging for 30 minutes, but you’re free to change this to another goal (e.g. jogging for 20 min). Keep reading even if you’re thinking “I can’t do that!”

The Couch to 5K program (either version) takes 9 weeks and involves jogging 3 times per week.

You’ll notice that the design of this program is an excellent example of how to reach a difficult goal.

1) it starts at a level that’s virtually impossible to fail it, provided you jog slowly enough.

For each of 3 jogs in Week 1 you do 8 cycles of: 1 min of slow jogging + 1 1/2 minutes of walking. In other words, in Week 1, in total you do 8 minutes of jogging per jog and you jog three times.

2) especially at the beginning, it progresses in increments that are so tiny you’ll keep succeeding

e.g. Week 2 involves alternating between 90 seconds of jogging and 2 min of walking.

3) Some generous and clever folks have made free audio guides with instructions of when to switch between walking and jogging, and good music to help you relax into a comfortable, not too fast, rhythm.

(If you try Couch to 5K (time version), I highly recommend you use this completely free, no strings, audio guide
http://www.ullreys.com/robert/Podcasts/page6/page6.html
You’ll need an mp3 player and headphones that fit you well enough they won’t fall out when you’re jogging. You’ll also need to to know how to save the podcast to your computer and transfer it to your mp3 player. It’s easy once you know how. To save the podcast to a PC, go to the page linked to above. Once you’re on that page, find the podcast link for Week 1, right click on it, and choose “Save link as”.)

The Psychological Genius of Couch to 5K

- Things that seem impossible become possible if you have a good plan e.g. When you’re in Week 2 and running 90 seconds, running 5 minutes in Week 4 might seem impossible but after running 3 mins a few times in Week 3, you start to think you can run 5 mins.

- Sometimes success can’t be achieved by sheer willpower. No matter how hard you try you might not be able to run 30 minutes non-stop straight off the bat. Some challenges need to be approached through a series of gradual steps, and sometimes you need help from someone who has expert knowledge in an area to guide you as to what those steps should be.

Particularly for People With Anxiety

- If you have anxiety but typically avoid vigorous exercise, it’s worth trying the Couch to 5K program. You are likely to find that jogging helps “reset” your nervous system. Because anxiety is an evolved response that’s designed to prepare our bodies for running and fighting, you may find jogging provides a more effective reset than less vigorous forms of exercise (e.g. walking).

- Doing vigorous exercise when you’re feeling calm will help
break any associations you’ve acquired between the physical sensations of anxiety/exertion and feeling tense or out of control.

- If you want more information about why the common physical symptoms of anxiety are all part of your body’s attempt to help you escape from possible danger, try Googling “Fight/Flight response”. For example, sweating is for keeping you cool for faster running and for making you more slippery to grab hold of in a fight

Some advice for using Couch to 5K

- Start at Week 1. Don’t skip ahead or do extra.
- Don’t skip the 5 min warm up walk.
- Do make sure you only jog every second day e.g. Sat, Mon, Wed.
- If you’re concerned about whether you can stick at it jog very slowly, even if you feel a bit embarrassed to be seen shuffling along the road!
- It’s especially important to pace yourself for your first run of each new Week of the program. Your main task is to get through it.
- If you’re lucky enough to have someone willing and able, have a support person go with you. Even the mere presence of another human as support can make it easier to stick at something. Your support person needn’t jog. They might just sit and watch you.

- Roll with the punches. For example,

> if you find one of the weekly step ups too tough, you might need to create an intermediate step for yourself. Or stick at the Week you’re on for a bit longer before moving up.

You may find some of the weekly step-ups easier than you predicted.

> If you find yourself getting stitch or some other problem, you might need to do some Googling or consult a medical doctor to figure out a way of alleviating it that works for you.

Complete information for Couch to 5K

Check out Alice's list of Best Psychology Self Help Books for New Zealanders (Topics: Parenting, How To Be Happier etc).

Why People Who Suffer From Anxiety Sometimes Don’t Like Exercise (and an Awesome Example of How to Achieve an Exercise Goal)